Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Oh. You know what, I don't think I want to go to this party, Jordan.

JORDAN SIGHS

Come on!

Lorcan's party's the biggest event of the year.

There's sometimes seven, maybe even eight people at it.

I know! But all it takes is one faux pas,

and suddenly I'm the talk of Ballymacnoose.

Yeah, or one cool move and you're a legend forever.

CALLUM SCOFFS

I just wish I had your confidence, man.

Look, you want to know my secret?

Yes, please.

You see when a thought comes in my head? Yeah?

I just ignore it.

Good thoughts, bad thoughts, weird thoughts.

All like water off a duck's back.

That actually explains a lot.

I just do what I want, thoughtlessly.

Is it really that simple?

Would an unconfident guy wear a shirt as tight as this?

Trust me.

We're going to have a great time today.

Lock up your livestock around this fella.

Dare I say it? There's no beast this man wouldn't put himself into.

I think you're making a bit of a jump there, Frank.

I never actually touched any of your animals.

But you did come in his lake, Callum.

It wasn't on purpose, Gemma. Remember?

You philander with any of my cattle,

I'll run you through with a hosepipe,

give you a damn good clean-out.

Cursed is the man who has sexual relations with any animal, Callum.

Yeah. Thank you, Mildred.

Frank, Sammy, it's good to see yous again.

It's really good to be here.

Cheers.

MUTTERING: Fuck off!

Hey.

Hello.

You're Callum Brown, right?

Yeah.

How did you know?

Oh, Gemma's literally told me everything about you.

Oh, sorry, I should've said - I'm her big bro.

I'm David.

So what, you didn't fancy it in there? You weren't vibing?

No, I think...

Look, you don't have to explain yourself to me, king. I, ah...

Look, every time I go to a party these days, I'm like,

"OK, hmm, which version of myself am I going to have to

"twist myself into tonight?"

Like, I'm not an Olympian!

Do you know what I mean?

Like, physically.

Or emotionally.

It's like, "Which shade of Callum Brown

"are you going to be tonight?

HE LAUGHS

Yeah.

No-one ever realises how many shades of brown there really are, you know?

What, no-one?

Beige.

HE LAUGHS AND SNORTS

Khaki.

Taupe.

Ah!

Light brown?

It's coming...

Dark brown!

Erm, oh, my God.

Smokey topaz.

Umber. Right back... Oh, that was good!

That was quick.

Well, my personal favourite, though, is...

BOTH: Tan.

Thank you.

It's my pleasure, Mildred.

Do you know, I haven't been to a party in seven years?

Yeah, I mean, I feel like there's not a huge amount of

parties in Ballymacnoose. No.

No, wait. It was a funeral I was actually at seven years ago.

My Aunt Siobhan got her cardigan caught in the axle of a John Deere.

She was still alive when they found her 34 ploughed fields later.

She did die, though.

Still, this is nice.

Between you and I, I've been really craving some girl time, so...

I love Lorcan, I really do, but we just...

We spend SO much time together.

Pre-nuptial mingling is akin to sodomy in God's eyes.

No, I know it is, so it is.

Oh, God, I'm doing it again.

Doing what?

It's a real problem that I have, Mildred.

I'm a very intense kind of cat, and whenever I get a new boyfriend

I tend to sort of totally assimilate my personality with theirs.

I've literally only been here a few weeks, and I'm already

talking like Lorcan.

That's us now.

Oh, dear.

That's very good. Yeah. Cheers.

High five.

What?!

Well, I see Callum's taken a wee notion on David.

I was scared you'd say that.

Look at his jeans.

I can't tell what's better,

the fit or the bloody legs underneath.

Oh, come on, J man. Now, you've a quare set of pins on you too, hey.

Yeah, I know I do.

There's levels to this, Lorcan.

I don't want Callum to replace me.

Well, not that I have any personal experience on the matter,

but sometimes making other friends, it keeps things fresh.

Like an open friendship?

Aye, I suppose you could add that prefix if you like.

Mm. Might keep things spicy in the gaming room.

That's it. Bit of space apart helps all the posies get

their spot in the sunshine.

What the fuck does that mean?

Well, sun helps plants grow, J man.

Could do us all a bit of good meeting new people.

But I think...

But my favourite is the little pig and the...horses, but...

# I'm scared of losing you... #

Great spot for a piss, Caz man. You nailed it.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Oh, I am so sorry, mate.

I should've known you'd prefer to go solo.

You go ahead, man. I'll just...

I'll just air right here.

You know, it's a real sign of social intelligence, man.

What, airing my nethers?

No, man.

A nervous urethra.

You know, peeing in front of another guy is the ultimate act of trust.

It shows you see him as part of your tribe, so...

Yeah, I guess that means I don't have a tribe.

Maybe you just haven't found them yet.

Got to say, that's an impressively long piss you're taking there, D.

Callum...

..I stopped peeing about 20 seconds ago.

I'll leave you to it, man.

CALLUM LAUGHS

Ah!

Whoa.

Hey.

Who are you?

I'm Jordan.

Why are you dressed like a little boy?

JORDAN LAUGHS

You must be hanging around some pretty cool little boys

if this is what they look like.

What the fuck did you say to me?

Can I show you something?

Go on.

Shhh.

WHISPERING: Assassin's Creed style!

I do actually like those games.

I own all of them, and I'm willing to lend.

Shhh...

To a friend.

You'd not be able to handle my banter.

Try me.

You've got a fat child's face on you.

Too much for you?

No. You sure you can handle this?

Because it's going to get a lot worse.

I can handle it. It's great banter.

What's that chirp, dude?

I said, "It's great banter."

Get your belly out. What?

Get your belly out.

Bit of banter, no?

Look at that.

Like a little baby's belly,

full of fizzy orange and rusks.

Bet you've got a tiny little mickey on you too, do you?

Ah...

LAUGHTER

I kind of, like, wish this was, like, a lake.

I know. Like, imagine the skims, like...

LAUGHTER

Ah. I feel loose around you.

I think that's why that's why my body's opening up so cleanly.

Oh, man, don't even.

I feel loose around you too.

Oh, yeah?

Hey,

can I share something kind of embarrassing with you?

Yeah, of course, D.

So I, erm...

I have something called, erm, mild early onset osteoporosis.

Man, I am so sorry.

No. My lower bone density means that I'm at much greater risk

of high impact injuries.

My bones are essentially like crisps.

Like, falling off of this for me is the equivalent to plummeting

from the top of the Burj Khalifa.

Well, at least it would be, you know, if my condition

wasn't exceptionally mild.

Mm-hm. But still.

It takes its toll up here.

The Damocles sword of a mild health condition.

I know it well, D.

Mild hyperhidrosis.

Permanent layer of sweat on the palms of my hands

day and friggin' night.

I didn't realise...that.

Hm.

Oh, Gemma, let me do that for you!

It's fine, Lorcy!

I can't be having my wee English rose wilting in front of the oven.

It wouldn't be very civil of us now.

Lorcy, I said it's fine, so it is! All right, OK.

Let me know the ground rules and I'll get things going here.

Is it the key's in the hat there, free play?

And what's the stance on rubbers?

GEMMA SIGHS

It's not an orgy, Mr Boggin,

so it isn't!

Is it not?

MUSIC: Let Me Breathe by Matthew Goodman and Matthew Bento

Right.

I'm away to kill a pig.

Enjoy yourselves, folks.

I heard that, Gemma.

What? Hi.

You're correlating to our vernacular.

What? No... No, I'm not, so I'm not. I...

LORCAN LAUGHS

Honestly, darling, hearing our phraseology through you,

it's like hearing a pauper's ditty sung by the Queen herself, aye.

Yeah... Yeah, it's great. It's...

It's really great.

Ah! When two become one.

# You know your energies get the best of me

# If you just help me rest to ease

# Help me breathe... #

You know, life's too frickin' short to not just be wanting

to live it to the max every day.

Yeah! You know, like, sod my bones, sod your sopping hands, like...

HE SIGHS

So do you want to get this party kicking or what? Like...

What are those, D?

They're just natural vitamins.

I work for a health start-up in East Croydon, OK?

We granulate them ourselves.

It's part of my, erm, osteoporosis research,

or whatever you want to call it.

OK, so they're like St John's wort?

Yeah... Yeah.

Erm, I don't know...

Don't do anything you don't want to do, like...

No, it's, ah...

Well, look, I've already pissed in front of you, D.

In for a penny?

In for a pound!

HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHTER

Down the hatch. Down the hatch.

Ah! Ah.

So how much stronger are they than St John's wort?

MUSIC: Hot City by Choppersaurus

# Oh, yeah

# Ooh, ooh

# Are you looking for some action?

# Well, tonight's the main attraction

# When you feel the heat

# You gotta hit the streets... #

You're going to make a fortune from these natural vitamins, man!

LOUD MUSIC

What's actually in them?

MDMA and ketamine.

MUSIC BECOMES DISTORTED

# Whoa! #

DAVID GIGGLES

Sorry for being so weird.

I think it's just the Class-A drugs that you gave me.

Hey! Yeah.

No. No, well, let's...

Well, let's... Just have a smoke of this. Ah...

And that's going to even you out real quick.

Mm.

Lovely.

Yeah?

How's that feel? Is it, like...

..better?

Hmm.

Erm...

Help me.

Help me.

Yeah. Well, I'm a chemist by trade, of course.

Oh! And now I realise why you're having such a bad reaction.

Hm? It's your sweaty hands, mate.

Hyperhidrosis is caused by an overactive

sympathetic nervous system, right?

Hm. OK, so you've ingested MDMA, ketamine and weed

through an already overactive sympathetic ganglia, OK?

But you need to stop worrying because I know exactly

what's going to help.

Yeah?

We're a tribe, right?

Yeah.

God, that's wet.

God, that's wet.

HE HUMS A TUNE

I realised I'd accidentally inseminated

a Dexter Dwarf with the jism of a Belgian Blue.

The poor girl had to birth a calf four times her own size.

Gemma, darling... Not now, Lorcy!

So the forceps shattered under the pressure.

And so I phoned my cousin Eugene, who has famously thin arms,

fetched a bucket of machine lubricant...

Can I borrow your ear for a wee sec?

Oh, my God, Lorcan, please, can you just be quiet?!

Yeah. I'm trying to have a conversation with my friends.

LORCAN SCOFFS

These are your friends?

Yes. Lorcy, you have your friend group.

I have my friend group.

Mildred and I, we're actually...

We're going to go Tayto World next Tuesday, aren't we, Mildred?

I don't want to do that, no.

But, Mildred, I...

..gave you a friendship bracelet.

Well, what's it doing on the floor?

Why...

Why aren't you wearing it?

Mildred?

Well, it's no Tayto World, but I might have something else

that could cheer you up.

Gemma...

..would you make me the happiest spud in the sack

and accept this key to Boggin Manor, hey?

What?

Well, I know you've been saying the flat's a bit cramped lately

with Georgina and I, and it's got me thinking,

"There's so much space on the farm."

Like, Georgina could be out

having little Charlotte's Web-style adventures.

Aye, we'd have to keep her away from certain buildings, like,

namely, the abattoir, you know, and... Lorcan, I...

But, more than that, Gemma,

we spend about 18 hours a day together.

Yes, Lorcan, that is exactly the problem.

Those pesky six hours apart,

they're a 'hing of the past!

From now on it's just going to be me and you, Georgina,

my da, all day, every day,

forever and ever and ever.

So what do you say, darling?

Oh, Lorcan, I'm so sorry, but the answer is...

..no!

Intra-anal, er...

Intra-anal cannabinoidal absorption method, yeah.

Intra-anal...

HE RETCHES

..cannabidoidal absorption method.

Maybe a glass of water instead, David.

No, no, no, we need that THC in your vagus nerve, fast.

And the quickest way to do that is through your anus.

Yeah, I'm just not sure.

Caz, I'm going to need you to relax.

Please. OK? Look...

I'll tell you something else.

You can relax that nervous urethra and let the floodgates open.

Because I will never let you

get caught with your trousers around your ankles.

Right.

You're a king.

Am I?

You're a king.

HE LAUGHS WEAKLY

Hey...

You're a king.

HE BREATHES SHAKILY

Oh, God, I'm sorry. It's fine.

I was just doing manly stuff,

like thinking about driving a car.

I'm so jealous of you and Callum's friendship.

Yeah, right.

No, I mean it.

I don't think I've ever seen two fully grown adult men

in such a close relationship who weren't also sucking each other off.

Do you know what I mean?

I'm going to stop you right there.

We were in such a close relationship.

He's got new friends now.

Well, not even Mildred wants to be my friend.

She's so boring.

You've already got the golden goose.

I mean, what I would do to spend that amount of time with Lorcan.

Mm. Yeah.

Lorcan's amazing.

He's got great hair.

He's so kind-hearted.

He's like a...a beefy Jesus Christ.

And he has a massive cock, so he has.

Why am I not surprised by that?

But I need friends, too.

Maybe we could be each other's friends.

WHISPERS: Yeah, right. Yeah.

Yeah, that'd be...

That'd be so great.

LAUGHING: Mad.

LAUGHING: Yeah.

Yeah, I could really use a friend right now.

As if.

BOTH LAUGH WEAKLY

You know, I think this might be the first time

we've ever talked to each other directly.

Can you make a promise?

Yeah.

I've never talked to a girl before.

I'm afraid of them.

WHISPERS: Please, don't tell the boys.

WHISPERS: I swear, I won't tell a soul.

Hey, look, give me your hand.

Check it out.

Oh... Oh, yeah.

THEY LAUGH

That's so cool. Yeah, cool, right?

I think I owe you two an apology.

For neglecting my brother while smothering my lover.

I think it's time we got things back on track around here.

What do you say? I think that sounds like a good plan, so it is.

Hi.

THEY GIGGLE

I feel a lot better about losing my best friend to your brother now.

Yeah, I really wouldn't worry about him. He is mad.

Aye, he's some character.

No, I mean it. He's...he's insane.

He's really unwell, actually.

I...I probably should have been keeping an eye on him,

but I just got caught up in everything.

Yeah, I think he might have been giving Callum hard drugs, actually.

Oh, my God.

He's doing it again. What's that?

My brother, he has a very peculiar and specific obsession,

so he has. Well, what is it?

We need to go find Callum. We need to go find him right now.

Come on, come on, come on, let's go.

Thank you.

Callum!

David!

Callum! Callum!

David?

Callum?

Callum! Callum! Callum!

David!

Callum! Callum!

Oh, my God!

Gemma... DAVID: Incredibly impressed.

No...

Fuck's sake, David.

CALLUM MOANS

You are doing so incredibly well, it's blowing me away.

It was the one thing I asked you not to do.

Hey. Yeah? Gently inhale in through your perineum.

Gently, gently. That's all you've got to do.

I don't know if I can do that. Of course you can.

I've been so impressed with you so far.

Just let your sphincter do its work.

I'm trying.

HE MOANS

Gemma, is that the thing?

Yeah. OK.

Yeah, that is weird. Mm-hm.

HE MOANS AND SOBS

# I'll carry your love

# I'll carry your love

# I'll carry your love

# All the way home. #