Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

I saw his pink, bare arse and thought,

"Oh, my God, that poor little dog's got cancer."

It was like something out of a John Lewis advert, Lorc.

I just... I knew that I had to have her.

But now that I've got her home,

I do wonder if she is a dog at all.

PIG OINKS

Now, you have been sold a pup, all right.

Just not in the way that you wanted.

Oh, Lorcan, what are we going to do with her?

Don't worry. I'll take her to work with me, so I will.

Oh! Yes, Lorcan.

You take her to work and you make a little,

um, piggy petting farm with her.

Well, I'd be "petting" the muzzle of a bolt gun to her temple,

if that's what you mean.

It wasn't. No.

I mean, maybe we just keep her.

Keep a pig?

As a...as a pet, Gemma?

Absolutely not. Why not?

I feel like that's just way less painful than blowing

its bloody head off.

Less painful, you say? Yeah.

Ah... What's up?

See, Gemma, a bolt to the head hurts, I'll give you that,

but it's absolutely nothing compared to the pain of a bolt to the heart.

His name was Tiernan and he was a legend.

Tiernan was the fourth musketeer.

He was too good for this world. He really was.

You see, Gem, taking on a pig,

it's not something you do lightly, like getting a dog or having a baby.

It's a lot more serious than that.

More serious than having a baby?

100 times more serious. Tiernan could do things no baby

in all of Ballymacnoose would be capable of.

He once saved my life when I fell in a slurry tank.

Yep, ran a 30-second mile back to the farm

to warn us of J-man's trouble.

In fairness, Callum did phone the ambulance and almost

fell in the slurry tank trying to fish him out as well.

No, I played my part.

It was all Tiernan. It was all Tiernan.

It's like having a father and a brother all rolled into one.

That sounds like a good thing.

Aye. Until you lose a brother and a father

all rolled into one as well, hey.

How did he pass?

Like Arthur Morgan from Red Dead Redemption 2.

Back to the wall, guns blazing.

It was pig rabies.

Yeah. And he's still this upset about a pig that died from rabies...

..eight years ago?

Gemma, what you have to understand is Tiernan

was no ordinary pig.

He wore a little red cowboy hat.

So you just put a hat on him?

No, Gemma, see, that's what was so amazing.

None of us put the hat on him.

Duh-duh! Oh, that looks lovely, Mal.

I'm not eating that.

What's wrong with it? What's wrong with it?

Are you actually asking that question?

I'm actually asking that question, yes. What's wrong with it?

It's thin pizza, Daddy. I asked for thick pizza with

a saucy crust to pillow my bite cos I've got sensitive teeth.

Oh, you don't have sensitive teeth.

You had sensitive teeth once when you came

out of the dentist, for goodness' sake.

Daddy, yeah, and that kind of thing sticks with you forever.

No, it's fine, because I only took two hours to make that.

Daddy, eating that would be like eating jagged rocks!

Just eat, Jordan. Come on.

May I please at least watch my programme while I eat?

You're 24 years old, you don't need to ask that any more.

Thanks a frigging bunch.

You're welcome.

It's a pleasure.

Um, sorry.

As I was saying, thank you very much for letting me stay the week till

this gas leak gets sorted.

You know, it's lovely to have you, Callum.

You're a great help with Jordan.

Oh, yous handle him brilliantly.

He's a good boy deep, deep, deep, deep...

..deep down.

And with two dads here,

why not have two sons as well?

THEY LAUGH

Yes.

I've never had a dad.

It's...

Right.

More pizza.

Good idea. Yeah.

Hey, Jord, you awake?

I'm reading. What is it?

Nothing. Um, I was just thinking,

isn't it funny how my dad left when I was five,

so I never really had a dad...

..but you have two dads and you don't really like either of them?

JORDAN LAUGHS

Yeah, that is pretty funny.

Yeah.

Hey, Cal?

Yeah, J-man?

They're my dads, OK?

Yeah.

I like having two and I'm not open to sharing them.

Got it?

Yep.

I'm going to tug myself to sleep here.

I'll see you in the morning.

CLEARS THROAT

PUMPING

PUMPING CONTINUES

Come on!

Come on! Come on!

PIG OINKS

Come on!

Lorcey, please can you come over here and help with Georgina?

Jesus Christ, now you've named the bloody thing.

Why are you sat all the way over there?

Because you invited me round, Gem. Yeah.

Lorcan, I mean, why are you sat at the furthest possible place from us?

Come on, Georgina, have some of Uncle Joey's formula.

It's tasty. It's creamy. It's creamy, Georgina.

I'll tell you, Tiernan never had a need of a formula.

He came out of his mother's tract

fully grown and not a squeal from him.

Almost had the feel of the nativity.

I'm sorry, Lorc. Did you just compare Tiernan's birth

to the birth of Jesus Christ?

I might have been heading in that direction, yes.

Right. You know, I really did not want to say it, Lorcan, but I feel

like you might be romanticising Tiernan just a little touch.

LORCAN CHUCKLES

Where on Earth's this coming from?

You said he ran a 30-second mile the day Jordan fell in the slurry.

And? Yeah, that's fucking nuts, Lorcey! That's 120mph.

Right, I'll concede I don't actually know the exact

speed in which he was going.

And did he actually put a hat on his head or did you just put a hat

on for him? Gemma, I'm just going to pretend like I didn't hear that.

Yeah, I'm sorry, but I just...

I really do struggle to conceive of a little piggy putting a hat

on his head with trotters. That just makes no sense to me.

I don't understand the exact mechanics on how he did it,

but it was there, it was red and it was on his head.

Whoa, whoa, watch you don't get too close to Georgina, Lorcey.

God forbid you give her a chance.

I think I've outstayed my welcome here.

Yeah, you...

Jordan, you think I could have a go soon?

You think you could maybe shut the fuck up?

CALLUM SIGHS

Sorry, but if you're going to watch,

could you not bring that negative energy?

It, like, literally affects my focus.

Sorry. I think I'm tired from that 14-hour shift I just finished.

But you're right, I'll nip out here,

take a breather, get my buzz back.

Yeah?

HE SIGHS

CONTENTED SIGH

Oh!

Callum? Hello.

Are you OK down there?

Yeah. Hunky dory.

Um, what's up?

What are you doing, love?

It's just something I saw in a David Attenborough documentary once.

You see, when a mongoose is wounded,

it likes to crawl under a rock and die.

And it's funny because I just remember looking at its wee face

and seeing the will to live go out of its eyes in real time.

And, yeah, I just thought to myself, you know what?

That actually looks bloody relaxing, so...

Ha, right.

Do you want to have a little talk, Callum?

Yeah, mm-hm. What about?

Well, I thought we could just have a little chat about your feelings.

Have you ever talked to someone about your feelings?

LOUD SOBBING

INDISTINCT BAWLING

The last time I saw my dad

was the start of my...my fifth birthday!

And he said the magician was shit.

And then he said he wasn't having fun any more.

And then he left forever.

Oh, no, son. What a shame.

You know, it's not your fault he left.

No, everyone's... What's all this racket?

Jordan.

What the fuck is going on in here?

Come on, Jordan, let's get you some milky malties.

No, I don't want any of those shit biscuits, Daddy!

What is going on over there?

Callum, look at me!

CALLUM BAWLS

Get off me! The custard cream! The custard!

Why is he getting all the attention? You're my daddies.

You're my daddies. He's not getting all the attention.

I'm not going to leave it, no.

Callum! Callum, I warned you about this.

The sleepover's over! You're going to your bed.

They're my daddies!

Callum! Oh, no.

CALLUM SOBS

Sh!

That's it.

Wait till you hear this - she said I was romanticising you.

ETHEREAL VOICE: Romanticising, wuh?

Frig me. Would you take me out to dinner first?

You always know what to say.

You always know just what to say.

And do you like this girl, Lorcan?

I love her to bits. Well, tell me about her,

I'm listening.

Och, Tiernan, she's utterly fantastic.

First-generation England to Northern Ireland immigrant.

Totally new to our wants and ways, hey?

Everything's a wonder to her.

And through that osmosis, I feel that wonder too.

That's absolutely class.

I feel like I'm seeing the world for the first time when I'm with her.

And so tell me this,

here's the £100 question -

what's the problem?

Well, she was questioning your top land speed for a start.

Yeah. 11mph.

Come on, Tiernan, it's faster than that. That's a dog's pace.

That's a pig's pace, Lorcan.

Wait till you here this, then. She comes up to me and says

you didn't put that hat on yourself and that we put it on for you.

Now, how's that for a chuckle?

Tiernan, I says, "How's that for a chuckle?"

I've got wee pig trotters, Lorcan.

Don't be doing this, Tiernan.

How am I going to pick up a hat with these? You could have...

You could have knocked it off a table and positioned yourself

underneath to catch it in your head.

Lorcan...

You could have picked it up with your wee mouth.

TIERNAN SIGHS

Gemma sounds lovely, kid.

Tiernan, wait.

You treat her right, now.

Come on, Tiernan, you could have done it. Come on now.

Tiernan, wait! Tiernan!

Tiernan!!!

SHOUTING CONTINUES

"Callum.

"The one thing I asked you not to do was steal my daddies.

"It's time for me to fly the coop and make it out in the real world.

"Hopefully, a less harsh, brutal world full of traitors than the one

"I leave behind me."

And then he did a depiction of the three of us.

I wondered why the biscuit cupboard was empty when I got up.

He usually takes a multipack or two and hides in the hedges

for a couple of hours.

I'm sorry.

He did ask me not to steal you guys from him.

That's what I did, so.

Cal, he's just acting out.

We get a letter like that about once a week.

But we probably should start combing, just to be safe.

I mean, he's packed for a longer journey than usual.

I'll get the trimmers.

J-man here. If this is Callum trying to call,

fuck off, you daddy-thieving, home- wrecking, scumbag piece of shit.

If this is Lorcan, hey, man, no beef with you.

How are things? Hope we can still be friends

when I'm settled in my new life, wherever the wind may blow me.

Ha! "Blow me."

PHONE BEEPS

I really don't want "blow me"

to be the last thing he says to us, Lorcan.

This business about stealing his fathers...

I didn't steal them, I just got along with them really well.

They're fantastic men, Lorc.

Sometimes I think Jordan just takes them for granted.

Well, that is quite an understated way of saying it, yes.

Cal?

They got me to talk about my feelings.

To talk about what?

It's the act of putting words to emotions.

You're going to have to slow down, mucker. I'm not sure I follow.

This is the way Jordan's dads explained it to me, right?

What do you do when your bladder is full?

Well, I shoot pish right out of my cock. Where are you going with this?

What do you do when your bum's full of poo?

I drop trou and I paint the toilet bowl with my dung.

I don't see what this has to do with feelings.

What do you do when your heart's full of sadness?

Well, I would just...

Well, uh...

You keep it all in, don't you?

And God forbid what would happen

if you could never poo out your bum again.

The gas would build up until I exploded in a shower of shite.

Actually happened to four of our cattle last year.

Eyes burst out of their skulls. Exactly.

Talking to Jordan's dads about my failings,

it was as though my constipated heart finally took a big, big poo.

I know it sounds silly, Lorcan...

No, no, it doesn't.

I'm a bit backed up myself, in a manner of speaking.

Look, all the hardy poos in the world ain't going to help us

one bit if we don't get to him in time.

What if he's couped into that slurry tank again, Lorcan?

We don't even have Tiernan this time to save him.

No.

We don't.

What?

Come on, Georgie. Come on, Georgie.

Oh. Look who it is, Georgie, it's the big, bad wolf.

I'm not here to do no huffing and puffing, Gem.

I'm here to do something I should have done a long time ago.

Lorcey...

CLASPS UNFASTEN

Lorcan, please don't tell me

that's what I think it is.

Lorcey, no!

I will not let you send her across the Rainbow Bridge, you bastard!

If you bolt-gun Georgina,

you're going to have to bolt-gun me as well!

Gemma, I'm not here to double-homicide bolt-gun yous.

It's crazier than that.

I'm here to talk about my feelings.

What?

It's the act of putting words to emotion.

Let me try and explain.

It bears similarity to when you shoot pish out of your...

Yeah, no, Lorcey, I know what talking about your feelings is.

Right, right. Oh, well. May I? Yeah, of course.

My father tried to warn me about Tiernan.

The only pig petting to him was to...

"Petting" a bolt gun against their piggy temple, yeah.

"He's going to end up bacon and go breaking your heart, thon boar."

They often used to rhyme to me over bedtime supper.

I didn't believe it.

I confused the lifespan of pigs with a tortoise.

I thought Tiernan was going to live to 100,

but then...

Pig rabies.

I knew it as soon as I saw him.

It's that rabies madness in his eyes,

the violence of his squeal!

Ah, he was already gone.

I held a bolt gun for the first time that day.

And I've been sending pigs to kingdom come ever since.

That stops now, hey.

It's time to put this piggy through her paces.

She's got work to do.

Georgina, come on now. Come on, Georgie.

Now, what a lot of people don't realise about pigs

is they have 2,000 times the smelling capacity of the human nose.

She could sniff a clean arse from a mile off, never mind a dirty one.

That's incredible.

Now, Callum, have you brought the things with Jordan's scent on them,

like I asked you for? Yeah, there were a lot of options.

These were the freshest and the wettest. Oohhh!

That's it, there.

Yeah. That'll do rightly. Ugh!

Does he just cum straight in his pants?

Yeah, he does.

Right. Georgina, give these a wee huff here now.

Here... Right.

You copy me, you ready?

HE BREATHES IN DEEPLY

HE RETCHES

Oh, Jesus!

That was powerful stuff!

All right, come on, now.

Give them a wee sniff.

Oh, that's it, there. You got him?

Come on.

She's got it. She's got it!

She's got it.

That's a pig's pace!

Jordan!

That's a pig's pace right there. Jordan!

Jordan!

Oh!

Jordan!

GEORGINA GRUNTS

Jordan!

Jordan! Jordan!

A Twix?

Bite marks still fresh.

He must be close.

Help!

GEORGINA SQUEALS

Help! Help!

Help! Help me!

Jordan! Lorcan! Jordan!

Lorcan, please, God, help me!

Jesus! Been stuck here all bloody morning.

Who the hell invented the thing?

Agh! Lorcan, man!

Oh!

Oh, jeez.

Oh, I'm glad you're all right.

Well, look who it is.

The dad burglar.

You know, I've no more daddies for you to steal, Callum.

Maybe try Jacomo.

I didn't mean to steal your daddies, Jordan.

It all happened at once.

I had not one but two brilliant men

filling the daddy-shaped hole in my life.

I feel like there's a better way of saying that one, sure.

Two kind, sweet daddies filling my hole right up to the brim.

But they're not mine.

I lost mine, and I sure as hell

don't want to lose my best friend as well.

Already nearly lost you once in that 900-gallon slurry tank,

and now this?

This evil fence!

I was just happy to have a daddy for once, is all.

I'm sorry.

Is there not something you want to say to Callum, big man? Huh?

Maybe I'm partly to blame for this as well, to an extent.

Like, you have zero dads,

and I literally have two...

..and they can be pretty overbearing.

It'd actually be kind of cool

if you took them off my hands from time to time.

Within respectful boundaries,

yeah, I'd love to be fathered by your daddies, Jordan.

# If you'd just call

# I'm never too far away

# I'm never too far gone

# Don't turn away... #

Ah, that's my boys!

And that's your father, Georgina.

Well, it looks like you lucked out

on the porker front once again, Lorcey.

Well, the truth of the matter is, Callum, it's no luck at all.

My romanticisation of Big T was preventing me from not only

seeing the simple beauty of Georgina, but every single pig

on God's green Earth. Made it a lot easier to scramble their brains

with bolt weaponry, you see?

Looks like someone's been talking about their feelings.

Indeed I have.

It's made me realise I might need to start looking

for a new line of work.

If Tiernan's a pig like any other,

and any other pig's a pig as sweet as he,

I've essentially been bolting my childhood pet in the head

36 times a day, six days a week, for the past seven years.

I can't begin to fathom how many Tiernans have fallen to these hands.

It's 78,624.

I just did it on my phone calculator.

That's more than died at Hiroshima.

OK. Thank you, Jordan.

No problem. Thanks, Jordan.

You know, Lorcey, if you hadn't done it,

I'm sure someone else would have.

GUNSHOT

Yeah.

My dad.

GEORGINA GRUNTS

Guys, look.

I don't think she was wearing that hat before, was she?

Oh, Georgie!

Holy crap, I've got goose bumps!

Well, pluck my arse and call me a chicken.

# If you just call

# I'm never too far away

# I'm never too gone

# Don't turn away

# Will you just be here with me?

# You know I'll be there

# You know I'll be there

# You know I'll be there for you. #