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[crowd cheering]

[epic music playing]

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Felipe Esparza!

What's up, Sacramento?

What's up, fool? What's up, row?

Hell, yeah, thank you very much.

Thank you. Sold-out show, Sacramento. Thank you, man.

[whistles]

[crowd cheering and whistling]

Oh man, I got an email this morning from a fan.

He wanted free tickets for the show.

And he like… He was pouring it out there.

He goes, "Felipe, is there any way I can get free tickets for your show?"

"I've been going through some bad times right now."

"My mom died from coronavirus. My wife was diagnosed with lupus."

"My brother was murdered in Modesto, California."

[crowd laughing]

"But your comedy always gives me hope, and it makes me laugh."

"Could you just leave, um, some four tickets for me, bro?"

"I would really appreciate it."

I wrote him back, and I said, "Listen man."

"I don't feel comfortable bringing all that bad luck to my show."

[crowd laughing]

[scattered applause]

"Yeah, man. I don't think God is finished with you."

[crowd continues laughing]

I think God has big plans.

I can't have that guy here by himself at the show.

Then God mistakes me for someone he cares about.

[crowd laughing]

You know, when I was a kid,

if I didn't have tickets to the show, guess what? I didn't go.

[crowd laughing]

Like, I wanted to see Ozzy Osbourne, and it was sold out.

I didn't email him and say "Hey, Ozzy, gee…"

"Six-six-six."

[crowd laughing]

"It sold out, bro."

"Can you leave some tickets for me, please?"

"I'll bring a pigeon for you to bite."

That's how my fans are. My fans are more personal, that's why.

They feel like that they could talk to me.

Like, somebody emailed me 30 minutes before the show and asked me,

"Felipe, is there gonna be food there, or should I eat before I get there?"

[crowd laughing]

One thing about white people,

when white people don't like something, they go on Yelp,

and they complain with big words.

They let the whole thing, like,

"Yeah, it was a hot day, with a 100."

"Me an April were wearing summer dresses."

Black people get to the point.

"Man, this place was fuckin' whack as fuck."

[crowd laughing]

Latinos, we're different, man.

We complain on Facebook live while it's happening.

[laughing, cheering]

"Look at this fuckin' piece of shit place right here."

Then your friends go, "Yeah, where you at, Lupe?"

"I got your back. Fuck that bitch."

Yeah, man. I went to a gender revealing party.

And when I got there,

the woman told everyone she got an abortion instead.

[crowd exclaiming]

Yeah. Then the balloon blew up and sprayed blood right in my face.

[crowd laughing]

I was hit with a uterus.

[crowd laughing and giggling]

You ever walk with your wife,

and you see a couple fighting in the parking lot.

And they're beating each other up.

Then you and your wife look at each other, "That was us last week, huh, babe?"

"Remember the cops made us say 'I love you.'"

"Remember the cops said I gotta say 'I love you' to let us go?"

"That was crazy."

That's how you know you love someone. You beat them, man, you beat them.

If they press charges, it was never meant to be, you know.

[crowd laughing, cheering]

[scattered applause]

"You fuckin' asshole! I'll call the cops!"

"Baby, I love you, okay? That's how you play now, all right."

Like, um, my wife and I, you know, uh… That's the best sex to have, you know,

after a big-ass fight with your wife, you go home,

and you have that makeup sex, you know.

[man] Yeah!

You know, a… after… like, you know, after something bad happens.

You and your wife were fighting,

and her cousin jumped you at the baby shower.

[crowd laughing]

And she's blowing you so you won't press charges.

"C'mon, papi, don't press charges. That's my familia."

Your fuckin' head is bleeding.

"I don't know, they really beat the fuck out of me, man."

-[crowd laughing] -[scattered applause]

But you gotta know when to start makeup sex.

I always start it too soon.

First of all, you have to make up first to…

I always start makeup sex too soon.

You know, while she's still crying, you know.

She's like, "You fuckin' piece of shit-- [roars] What are you doin'?"

[whimpers]

-[blows raspberries] -[crowd laughing]

I'm married. My wife and I, we love each other.

We watch a lot of porno together to make the relationship work, you know.

We watch a lot of porno, but it's porno from 1909, you know.

You know, Mack Sennett, D.W. Griffith.

No sound, Charlie Chaplin style.

I love it. I'm watching a porno, masturbating.

My wife is next to me playing the piano for the movie.

[crowd laughing]

I gotta tell her to slow down.

"Stop playing so fucking fast. What the fuck's wrong with you?"

I don't know why I go this far. It ain't that big.

[crowd laughing]

-I want people in the back to see it too. -[laughing]

"Hey, what the fuck's wrong with you?" [exclaims]

I don't have a long penis. I just have a lot of foreskin, you know?

[crowd laughing]

But not enough dick to fill it all up.

When I get a hard-on, it looks like a sweater with short arms.

[crowd laughing, giggling]

Like, "I don't fuck, I paint."

[crowd laughing]

They call me Pablo Pitazo.

[crowd giggling]

[moaning] Jackson Pollock.

I remember, when my wife and I first had sex,

she gave me a Magnum condom.

I remember thinking to myself, "Um, fuck. Who else is gonna be here?"

They're so huge, bro!

They were so loose. I put them on my arm first.

And when I put it on, I was looking for a drawstring or s--

I have to hold it with my finger.

My finger fell asleep.

I remember, when I was putting it on, my wife saw me struggle… [groans]

"Just put your balls in too, fuck it."

[crowd laughing]

"Put those black albondigas or black Mexican balls in there."

And my balls are black! Like blacker than me.

Like, I should be fighting police reform. Fight the power.

[crowd giggling]

I am a big bush man. I like big bush!

So, ladies, if you have a big bush, I'm down.

Not everyone should shave their balls, though.

I shave… Big fucking mistake.

And when I showed my wife. "Babe, what you think, man?"

She said, "Wow, it looks like a baby seal crying on the rocks."

[crowd laughing]

"All right, really? Fuck, bitch. Baby seal? Not fucking regular seal?"

"Not a sea lion with a long neck?"

Now every time we have sex,

I keep hearing that man's voice from the documentaries.

[in deep voice] "The seal waits for his mom."

[squeals]

"Crying all night." [roars]

It's all right, guys. If you don't have a big penis,

women don't care about that.

[scattered laughter]

Okay, maybe two women, man.

[crowd laughing]

Women want just a good-looking man. A good-looking man they could brag about.

You know?

When you have an ugly man,

you only mention his qualities when people ask you.

So how is Ruben?

-Now, he's a hard worker, let me tell you. -[crowd laughing]

Seventy hours a week. We never see his ugly ass.

He knows how to provide for kids that aren't his, you know?

But when you have a hot man, you let everybody know.

"So, how is Fabien?"

"I don't know, but I can still feel him inside of me right now."

"Like, he must have punctured a lung

or ripped one of my rib cages."

"All right, he can't read, but he has a big-ass dick."

"He leaves me stupid sometimes."

"Gotta fuck him holding my purse. That fool tried to rob me last time."

Don't cheat, guys. Don't fucking cheat, man.

Especially if you're an old man, like 40 and over.

What are you doing, old man?

They catch you cheating that old, you're gonna be fucking homeless now.

[crowd laughing]

You're gonna be outside your house begging,

"C'mon, honey, please. Please, baby."

"I'm a diabetic. I'm not gonna make it all the way to my mom's."

"Please give me a Snicker bar and an orange juice."

It's embarrassing when they catch you cheating that old.

All the family knows.

They walk up to you,

"What happened, Grandpa? You don't like Nana no more?"

[crowd laughing]

"You don't love Nana?"

"You fucked up Easter's."

A lot of women cheat too. A lot of women cheat too.

But they get away with it 'cause they're very successful cheaters, man.

There are women here who are cheating right now

but getting away with everything.

You know why women get away with cheating?

Because women don't change when they cheat.

A woman goes home mad.

Goes, fucks ten guys. Come home, still mad, though.

[crowd laughing]

She leaves your house a bitch. Comes back, still a fucking bitch.

A man starts cheating, everything fucking changes.

Shit, we start buying groceries for the first time.

[crowd laughing]

We're helping with homework.

"Man, you're in fifth grade, mija? I didn't even know."

Your wife starts noticing your fucking change.

And she looks at you all of a sudden, "Hmm, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"I notice you don't shit in your pants no more. What's going on?"

[crowd laughing]

"Are you fucking somebody else?"

"Are you leaving your underwear in someone else's house?"

"Oh, you're, like, reading now?"

[giggles softly]

"Who you fucking? A teacher, you stupid-ass?"

Women cheat different. Women cheat really up.

They're trying to better their lives, trying to find a home for your kids.

Something we would never do.

[crowd laughing]

Women, they'll fuck a homeowner.

Like, if you catch your wife cheating, it's gonna be a better man.

Like, if you're a dark person, she's gonna fuck a lighter person.

Somebody with no black shit right here.

[crowd laughing]

Somebody with no black leather neck.

Someone with no skin tag on their eye.

It's gonna be a better man.

So, if you catch your wife cheating, you shouldn't be upset.

You should be happy for her.

You should be proud of her.

You should look at her and go, "Wow, babe, you did it."

[crowd laughing]

You made it out of my mom's house before me.

You're a fucking homeowner, bitch.

Even your kids know it's better.

They're pulling you away, "Go, Daddy, go, go!"

When women cheat, nobody really knows.

Only her whore friend at work knows.

Gladys from Guatemala. That chapina. Bitch.

When men cheat, everyone fucking knows.

All the Chinese guys at the restaurant start speaking English for the first time.

"Oh, you got friend?"

[crowd laughing]

You go to a Mexican restaurant, everybody whistling.

[whistles approvingly]

[whistles in admiration]

Mariachis taking advantage of you. "Oh, a new song for the new lady."

[crowd continues laughing]

When we get caught cheating,

our wife is more embarrassed than fucking hurt.

She just can't believe you're with that.

She's telling her friend, "Oh my God."

"I can't believe he was fucking that lady

that sells hot dogs outside Home Depot."

[crowd laughing]

He was fucking Doña Chayo.

No wonder that bitch gave me a free Fanta this morning.

[crowd laughing]

Man, you ever cheat so much that your mom and dad gotta have an intervention

for you to stop cheating on your wife?

[speaks in Spanish]

"What are you doing? Stop."

"Our house is in her name too. You're fucking up, cabrón."

"We're about to lose everything."

"I don't wanna go back to Visalia. I love Sacramento."

[crowd cheering]

It's sad when they kick you out

and you have to go back to your mom's house.

But we don't go to our mom's house right away, huh?

We wait a while. We hang out at the park.

You start hanging out with your friends on Tuesday nights.

Then you finally go home, and your father's not there either.

Your mom looks at you like you're a loser, like you're never gonna make it. [sighs]

You're a loser, mijo, 45 years old and homeless.

My dad was caught cheating.

I caught my father cheating on my mom when I was 16 years old.

The same day he caught me smoking weed.

I saw him with another woman. We both looked at each other.

[inhales, exhales sharply]

He didn't say shit, I didn't say shit.

[crowd laughing]

I would come home late from school, he would look at me and say,

"Where the fuck you been?"

"Nah. Where the fuck you been?

[crowd laughing]

"How come you smell like marijuana?"

"How come you smell like food we don't have in this house?"

[crowd laughing]

"Shut the fuck up!"

"I grew up in different times."

My dad would always say that when he didn't wanna answer a serious…

"No, cabrón, I grew up in different times."

My mom would say that too.

Like, when my brother came out of the closet in seventh grade,

people were asking my mom…

[speaking in Spanish] …is gay?"

[speaking in Spanish] …is gay?

Is gay… [continues in Spanish] …is gay!

My mom would say, "No, pobrecito. He grew up in different times."

"Now, what does that mean?"

"What? He was sucking dick in different centuries?"

He was there when Columbus showed up. "Columbus, welcome to America."

[grunting]

"Let me show you where the Mayans are at. Follow me."

The first time I heard that it was-- My grandmother.

She was telling me how she met my grandfather in Mexico.

I thought it was gonna be one of those romantic stories

you can tell your kids later on, but nah.

It felt like she was confessing a crime, you know?

[crowd laughing]

She said, "Mijo, when I met your grandfather,

I was 14 years old."

"He was only 29, very young."

[crowd laughing]

"He took me from my mom's house. I never saw my mom and dad again."

"Grandma! You were raped and kidnapped."

"No, mijo, I grew up in different times."

[crowd laughing]

I asked my grandfather that story, the fucking rapist.

"Papa, grandma say you kidnapped her and raped her!"

"Cabrón, she's a fucking liar."

"I gave her father $500."

"I grew up in different times."

[scattered applause]

There's a lot of homeless people outside here, man.

They're all white, though. We need more diversity.

When I see white homeless men, I get sad, man.

I'm like, "Yeah, bro. It's the fucking end of the world, bro. Look."

"If they don't give a fuck about them, they ain't gonna give a fuck about us."

And white men, they look different when they're homeless.

They look like pirates that were shipwrecked somewhere. Arr!

They're pushing a pirate ship full of trash. Arr!

"Can you spare a dollar for an old buccaneer?"

You don't see too many Latino or Mexican American

or Black homeless around here

because somebody's gonna recognize you and talk shit.

[crowd exclaiming]

"Damn, bro. I knew you were gonna be a loser."

"Fucking piece of shit."

"You know what, bro?"

"I'mma call your fucking mom right now. We take it personal too."

"I'm gonna talk to your mom." [speaks in Spanish] …dirty like a pirate.

"Bro, we talked to your mom. You can come back home now, bro."

"You just gotta clean your room. That's it."

I remember being single, man, and lonely and sad

and driving home from work.

And I saw a homeless man with a girlfriend, man.

I remember I put my head down, "Fuck, what's wrong with me?"

"How does he have a lady? He's cold, I'm warm. What the fuck?"

"How do you get a homeless woman?"

"Hey, baby, you wanna take long walks that never end?"

[crowd laughing]

"You want this sky to be your ceiling?"

"Come with me if you want to live."

I remember one time, I was driving home, I saw a beautiful homeless woman.

I'm like, "Mm…"

My little Project Runway right here.

I mean, there's nothing wrong with her, you know.

She's only arguing with a stop sign. That's it.

She's like, "Don't tell me what to do."

[crowd laughing]

Give it up for white people living here. White people, mm…

White power!

Nobody gives it to white people. White people are fucking smart.

Man, you gotta give it up for them. They always have money, man.

You know, why?

Because white people never send money back to Ireland to anybody.

[crowd laughing]

White people don't have losers in Germany. You know?

White people never get calls from family members in other countries,

"Damn, you think you're all bad over there."

"Living in America, eating ranch like a fucking king."

White people never walk around worrying about family members

in other countries.

Like, "Yeah, man,

my grandmother in Dublin is suffering right now."

They're about to take her potato farm. Fuck!

I should send her a couple of shillings.

White people are smart.

As soon as their kids turn 18, they already have a plan for them.

"Listen, Thomas Gunnar Skylar…"

[crowd giggling]

"…you're fucking 18. You have to make decisions in life."

"College or get a job."

"Dad, I wanna be an actor."

"You got two weeks to make it, motherfucker."

[crowd laughing]

Not Latinos, man.

Latinos would have a fuckin' 45-year-old rapper

still living at home.

[crowd laughing]

Fifty years old, starting a T-shirt business.

[crowd laughing and cheering]

"Support me, homes."

Like, white people love each other.

You saw white people outside greeting each other.

They haven't seen each other in a long time.

They hug each other. They close their eyes.

They say to each other,

"Fuckin' Montague, I love you, fuckin' April."

"Fuckin' Bert, fuckin' Jonathan."

I never close my eyes for a hug.

Shit, I'm always watching my back. [groans]

I closed my eyes when I was nine. Somebody grabbed my pipi… [groans]

[crowd laughing]

No!

Even on my birthday, I blow out my candle with my eyes open.

[blowing heavily]

[blowing]

You gotta watch your back.

Somebody try to slam your face in the cake.

That's what they do, man. They shove your face in the cake.

It's cool, you know, when you're eight, nine, twelve, fifteen…

But when you are fucking 47 and diabetic… C'mon, man!

Warn me first!

"Bro, if you're gonna do that to me, I gotta take my medicine first, fool."

[poking]

[crowd laughing]

Universal Soldier ready, homie.

Where's that Duncan Hines?

Now, white people, they know how to deal with family issues, man.

They be on the phone, "Listen, Jennifer, you fuckin' stupid-ass bitch."

And you're like, "Sarah, who's Jennifer?"

"My mom. Fuck that bitch."

[crowd laughing]

Latinos and Blacks, shit, your mom can stab your wife!

And you just say, "That's my mom, bro. That's the way she is."

"That's my jefita, bro. She's a Gemini. You saw her bad side."

"You don't fuck around, bro."

"My mom, bro. She grew up in different times, you know."

[man] Whoo!

My wife, a Capricorn. Talking all that shit, bro, you know.

She only got stabbed once. She'll be all right.

We put duct tape on her stomach. She's gonna be fine.

Like, your mom can make fun of your speech impairment, still.

And all you do is say, "That's my m-m-m-m-mom right there, bro."

"You only get o-o-o-o-one."

[crowd laughing and giggling]

Now, your mom can open your mail in front of you,

laugh at your check.

Your friends are watching.

"Hey, bro, your fuckin' mom just committed a federal offense."

"Please, bro. Don't say f-f-f-federal, bro."

[crowd laughing]

"She don't know what she did, bro. She thought it was her Herbalife check."

-"Don't fuck around." -[man] Whoo!

Like, white people, they deal with mental illness

better than Black people and Latinos.

At least they mention it. They warn you.

"Watch out for my uncle Ron, man."

"Vietnam vet. Do not wear black pajamas around him."

"Do not come out of a tunnel. He'll fuck you up, bro."

Latinos and Blacks,

we have crazy motherfuckers in our families.

-[man exclaiming] -We just cash their check, and that's it.

We give them a fuckin' funny nickname and move on.

"Hey, bro, who's that crazy guy?" "Oh, it's my uncle Twilight Zone, bro."

[hums Twilight Zone theme melody]

"Yeah, bro. He hasn't been the same since the Gulf War, bro."

And, eeh, he wasn't even there, bro. He got beat up at a Raider game, bro.

-[crowd laughing] -[scattered applause]

Not even at the stadium. At a house party.

But we're afraid to tell him the score. He might go crazy, you know.

[crowd continues laughing]

I remember, I bought a burrito at a taco truck.

And right after I paid for my burrito, they robbed the taco truck.

That lady got up all scared. [speaking in Spanish]

"We got robbed."

"I know, but where's my burrito, though?"

[crowd laughing]

"I mean, nobody took tortillas from you."

[crowd laughing]

"Nobody took carne asada, nobody took horchata,

nobody took anything."

"I mean, if you don't make me a burrito, you're robbing me now."

"I know you don't have my change."

"But now I want extra guacamole for $2."

"And two large horchatas. Me and my wife want one."

"My wife is from Ohio, so she never had horchata before."

She asked me, "What does horchata taste like?"

"Well, I'm Mexican. To me, it always tasted like horchata."

-"I don't know what to tell you." -[crowd laughing]

My wife is from Ohio, man.

She's Irish, she's white, she's blue eyes, blond hair.

We went to a birthday party in Ohio with her family, man.

It was different from my family.

It was like a culture shock, you know, like…

That was the first party I ever went to that ended, you know. It ended.

[crowd laughing]

And they were waving bye to people. I was still eating.

Everybody showed up with enough gas to go home.

Nobody left a baby behind to got to the club.

That was the first party I ever been to that when I got to the party,

nobody from the party sent us to go get something for the party.

-[crowd laughing] -[scattered applause]

Like, nobody said, "Felipe, don't park, don't park. We need chairs."

"You still work for the city? Go get the city chairs."

"Lose your job for this party."

Like… At my wife's party, people were leaving early.

And they let them leave early. Nobody said, "Puto!"

"Where you goin', puto?"

"You're not family. Get the fuck out of here."

"Get the fuck out of here!"

Nah, man, we just left. You know, nobody said shit.

Not like at our parties, man. We don't know when the party ends, man.

You leave the party early. You go to your house.

You're watching a Story. "Man, they're still partying, babe."

"Mariachis are now wearing T-shirts."

You watch the news at nine in the morning.

"Nine people stabbed at baby shower."

[man] Oh!

That was our house, babe.

At my wife's party, it was different.

Like, nobody there brought up the past to start a fight.

[crowd laughing]

Nobody started a toast like this,

"You know what? Fuck all you motherfuckers."

-[scattered applause] -[cheering]

Yeah, man, I love my wife, man. My wife,

um, she has a bachelor's degree and a master's degree.

-[cheering] -[scattered whistles]

Yeah, man. And once I get my GED, we're gonna be a power couple.

[crowd cheering and laughing]

We're gonna be two smart people.

I'mma walk into the bank for the first time, uh?

"So this is where my overdraft fees are at, huh?"

[crowd laughing]

My wife does everything for me, man.

I don't even know how much money I'm making tonight. She knows.

I give her the money. All the bills get paid.

If she dies tomorrow, I'll be homeless in three days.

I didn't even know my own address without looking at my fuckin' ID.

"Where do you live?" "Hold on, officer, I live right there."

I didn't even know, like, actors' names.

I didn't even know the name of the movie I just watched.

And my wife looks at me, "What are you watching?"

"I'm watching this show called Schitt's Creek."

"Who's in it?"

"Oh, fuck. Um…" [splutters]

"Home Alone's mom is in it."

[crowd laughing]

"You know, that lady that says, 'Kevin!"'

"And American Pie's dad's in it."

He's that guy with the Russian-Armenian eyebrows

like this and shit.

[crowd laughing]

You gotta marry a smart woman, guys.

Two dumb motherfuckers will not survive.

[crowd laughing]

Dumb couples break up in parking lots when they can't find the car.

"You can't find the car?"

"It's over, you stupid-ass!"

"Baby, we fuckin' took an Uber here."

"That's why I love you. You're so random."

You gotta marry somebody opposite of what you are, man.

Like, if you are a badass dude that likes to fight,

you gotta get a chick that's mature enough to tell you

to shut the fuck up.

[crowd cheering]

You can't be marrying another badass bitch that likes to fight too.

There's no such thing as ride-or-die.

This is what's gonna happen, bro. You're gonna die.

[crowd laughing]

She's gonna ride away.

[crowd cheering]

You gotta be married to a woman that knows

that you ain't shit no more.

A woman that's gonna look at you and go,

"Honey, what the fuck are you doing? You're 45, you're fat, you're diabetic."

"You wanna die here, babe?"

'Cause I get excited too, you know, after a MMA fight, you know?

A Mexican wins, I get out the window,

"I should fuck somebody up!"

My wife looks at me, "Honey, honey, don't forget what happened

to you at Little Caesars last week."

"Remember, honey, your flip-flop ripped, and you twisted your ankle?"

[crowd laughing]

"All the managers and employees were fucking you up."

[crowd laughing]

"Even the guy that was there for a job interview fucked you up."

"They hired him after he kicked you in the head."

They said, "That's what I call leadership."

[crowd laughing]

Man, you don't wanna get your ass beat in front of your family.

It's embarrassing, man.

Like road rage.

You have to go back in your car like nothing happened.

Like you didn't get your ass beat on the highway.

[quivering]

[crowd laughing]

"Daddy, how come you're in the back seat with us?"

[crowd laughing]

"Mommy's gonna drive."

That's sad, man,

when your wife has to drive you home after they beat your ass.

And she's trying not to laugh or say anything.

"I thought you were taking jiujitsu classes on YouTube."

-[crowd laughing, cheering] -[scattered applause]

"I guess it's different when they all come at you at once, huh?"

"We're gonna get you Taco Bell. Don't cry."

[crowd laughing]

You're in the… [quivering]

I love being married, man.

When you're married, man, you don't talk dirty when you're married.

You know whose pussy this is already.

It's mine. [snorts]

"Yeah, this pussy pissed me off earlier."

[crowd laughing]

"Was talking a lot of shit at Target."

"Corrected my English in front of the manager."

[crowd laughing]

"Made me look like a fuckin' wetback in front of everybody."

[crowd laughing]

Your wife is talking shit too.

"Who's the asshole who left the oven on all night?"

I love being married, man,

'cause you don't have to finish the job. You just gotta be there. [moans]

You ever lose your hard-on and just gave up?

And just tell your wife, "You know, let's try tomorrow."

"You're gonna be here, right?"

[crowd laughing, exclaiming]

Tomorrow, five o'clock again, right?

It's sad, though.

It still hurts you… It hurts your ego when you lose your hard-on.

You're still pumping, and nothing there, just a paintbrush.

[crowd laughing]

And your wife knows. "You wanna take a break?"

"Yeah." [sighs]

"The fuckin' TV's too loud, babe."

"I'm trying to fuck and solve a case of Forensic Files?"

[crowd laughing]

"I'm too involved. I'm too invested in the case."

"What? They're gonna bring a splatter expert?"

[crowd laughing]

My fuckin' titties hang now.

I'm on top of my wife.

They're hitting her face. [thudding]

I gotta hold 'em.

-[scattered applause] -[crowd laughing]

My wife got me a sports bra.

[crowd laughing]

I hate wearing it.

I'm on top of her. She's trying to put her hand inside.

[crowd laughing]

[scoffs softly]

[crowd laughing, giggling]

"Scratch me back here, please."

[scattered applause]

[crowd cheering]

Yeah. I'm married. I wear my ring wherever I go.

To let women know

that I am not looking for a serious relationship.

[crowd laughing]

If you wear your ring, women stay away from you, you know.

All the good ones stay away from you, but the bad ones stick around.

They walk up to you,

"Yeah, but are you happily married right now?"

With a titty hanging out.

"Yeah, I'm happily married, man."

You don't wanna have an argument in the morning.

"I just found out you're married, you liar. You didn't tell me."

"I didn't tell I was married?"

"You didn't feel my ring in your mouth when I was choking your ass?"

"When I was putting it in your ass

and then putting it in my mouth, you didn't notice?"

[crowd groaning]

"You didn't hear my phone vibrate?" [imitates vibration]

"'Scam likely' looking for me."

I'm getting older, man. I am at the age now where…

where fuckin' milk and dairy products

will fuck up my body more than cocaine and PCP.

[crowd laughing]

I'm at a party, tweaking and shit.

"Oh, is that milk? Oh fuck. Let's get the fuck out of here."

[makes fart sound] "Too late."

"Fuck, I'm never coming back here again." [makes fart sound]

You get older, man.

I am at the age now where I can see all my favorite rock bands

at Six Flags Magic Mountain.

You know what I'm talking about, bro. W… when… when I was young…

[in deep voice] …"This summer. One night only."

[woman shrieking]

But now, it's, "This Wednesday, included with your ticket…

Santana and Baby Bash!"

[crowd cheering]

[women shrieking]

[crowd laughing and cheering]

When you're coked-out, you think you're all bad, huh?

You see somebody smoking meth, you look and say,

"Fuck, they're doing drugs here. I can't believe it."

"Where's my wife? We're out of here. Let's go, babe."

"This is not the baby shower I wanna be at."

When you smoke marijuana, you look stupid, huh?

Now, you say dumb things.

With cocaine, you look intelligent after one bump.

I have a business idea. Hear me out.

[crowd laughing]

Like, if somebody would've taken me to Shark Tank at that moment,

I'll close that deal.

"Yeah, sharks, I just need, um, $200."

[crowd laughing]

"And I'll give you 90% of the business."

That's not gonna happen. What's gonna happen is

my mom's gonna catch me going through her purse.

She's gonna look at me, all sad. And she's like… [sighs]

I'mma look at her and go… say, "Mom, you wanna be a partner or n-n-not?"

"You wanna make real money, cabróna?"

When you watch that… the shows like Narcos on Netflix

or Griselda,

there's always a bunch of hot chicks

having orgies, threesomes.

-Those are lies. -[crowd laughing]

I've never done that with women.

The women I party with party like this.

[sniffs] "Oh my God!"

"Who's gonna pick up my kids from school now?"

[crowd laughing]

You're having a good time?

[crowd cheering, whistling] Yeah!

-[woman exclaiming] -[man] Whoo!

[woman] We love you, Felipe!

I love you too, man.

I'm so glad that some of you guys brought your wives here,

your girlfriends here, to the show.

'Cause sometimes your wife's vagina has to see other things, you know.

[crowd laughing]

'Cause when you fuck your wife in the same house, the same room,

she never has an orgasm, man. All your mistakes are in that house.

You have to excite your wife, man. You have to pick her up from her job.

Take her to a fine restaurant,

take her to a cheap motel.

You know, those motels,

where the letters don't work, only says "EL."

You fuck her, then you throw 50 bucks in her face.

"See you at home, bitch."

Now, that's exciting.

[woman laughs] Whoo!

'Cause when you have-- When you fuck your wife in the same house,

man, you're behind her, man,

and she's just staring at a towel you haven't picked up in two weeks.

[crowd laughing and shrieking]

And you know that's your towel. "Yeah, pick it up, bitch."

And she sees the shitty underwear you tried to hide under the bed.

"Honey, hurry up. I gotta do a lot of shit after this."

"I gotta pull this fucking carpet out."

[crowd continues laughing]

I'm so glad I'm married though. When I was single, I was dating a woman.

She was into goth.

I don't know if you know what a goth person is.

My ma had no idea what a goth person was.

She thought she was just a little witch with bad luck.

[crowd laughing]

She was beautiful, man. The way I like 'em. She was thick too.

She looked like Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday Addams, you know.

She was crazy, man. She had a fucking Ouija board back here.

It was creeping me out. I'm behind her and shit. [groans]

She's like… [in demonic voice] …"Who am I?"

"What's my name?"

I'm like, "All right, babe. Let's find out who the fuck you are."

"P, U, T, A. Puta, babe, that's who you are."

"The power of Christ compels you."

"Why you do this to me?"

Yeah, man. I walked in on my mom and dad having sex.

[crowd] Oh!

When I was 35 years old.

[crowd laughing]

It feels like yesterday.

I came into the house. I kept hearing…

[panting heavily]

[hissing heavily]

[panting and hissing]

My father breathing hard.

[panting heavily]

And his car keys shaking.

[hissing]

[continues hissing]

I looked down on my mom. She looked sad, looking at me.

[woman] Aw!

"I grew up in different times, mijo."

[speaks in Spanish]

My mom was folding clothes.

I helped her fold a blanket.

[crowd continues laughing, shrieking]

"Ready, Mom?"

-[crowd cheering] -[scattered applause]

My dad pulled my hair.

I couldn't complain.

That was the first time we did something together.

[crowd laughing]

I grew up in a very hardcore heterosexual, machismo home, man.

Very male chauvinistic home.

My… like… my dad was one of those fathers

that he didn't want the boys to cry in front of him.

My dad would look at me and go… [speaking in Spanish]

"You wanna suck a dick or what?"

You know, like…

[speaking in Spanish] "Don't cry, mijo."

My dad was one of those dads that if a baseball hit you in the face,

instead of calling for help,

he would get that dirty ball and rub it on your eye.

He'd look at you, "Don't fuckin' cry, son of a bitch."

"You wanna suck a dick or what?"

I'm like, "No, I don't wanna suck a dick. I don't wanna cry."

It was hard growing up like that, man.

My dad didn't let us cry.

I remember watching Bambi, and Bambi's mom was dying.

And my sister and my mom were crying.

My little brother and I, we had to hold it in, like…

[howling]

[howling shakily]

We had to pretend it was hilarious. "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."

-[crowd laughing] -"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."

It was sad growing up like that, holding emotions in.

Like, we… I couldn't cry for Bambi's mom until I was 30 years old.

[woman giggles]

I was coked-out in an alley, crying and shit…

[sobbing]

[sobbing] "Bambi's mom!"

Fuckin' big-ass coke booger hanging down…

-[crowd laughing] -[crying] "Bambi's mom!"

[cries] "Bambi's mom!"

[thudding]

They… they fucking kicked me out of the party.

My big homie comes up to me, "Why you crying, homie?"

"Bambi's mom, bro." [sniffing]

"Don't cry, homie. Don't cry."

See that big old fucking spider web right there?"

"Yeah, it's spider web." [sniffs] "No, homie."

"That's fuckin' Charlotte's web."

[crowd laughing, exclaiming]

And that's why I like cocaine.

-[crowd laughing] -[scattered applause]

Thank you for your applause.

[crowd cheering and applauding]

[whistling]

Is that you husband in the white T-shirt?

[woman] No.

He's your son?

[scattered laughing]

You know him?

How old are you, bro?

-[man] Twenty-three. -Twenty-three. Twenty-three years old.

What is that like?

To order extra cheese with no fear?

[crowd laughing]

Extra cheese. Fuck it. [makes fart noise] You only live once.

If I order extra cheese,

I gotta know where I'm gonna be in the next three days.

I don't wanna be in an airplane going, "Ah, I fucked up." [makes fart noise]

What's that like, bro, 23 years old?

You take a fucking fat shit like this.

You wipe your ass, nothing on the paper.

[crowd laughing]

You can't believe it. "What the fuck? Are you serious? Is that me?"

[crowd laughing]

You get older, bro, it changes.

I take a shit right now, I gotta wash my back.

[crowd laughing]

I gotta take a shit with no T-shirt on.

[crowd laughing]

[crowd laughing, exclaiming]

I gotta clean the toilet afterwards.

"Bathroom's closed. Go to Starbucks."

And if you're a man that lives with a woman, man,

clean the toilet if you take a shit.

-[woman] Yes! -If you leave one stain, clean it.

Because your wife might clean it,

you think she forgot about it. She didn't fucking forget, man.

She will bring it up in a conversation.

Ten years from now, you're coming home from a funeral.

You're sad.

"Babe, you wanna know why I've been sad for ten years?"

[crowd laughing]

"Babe, I almost died ten years ago."

[crowd laughing]

"They should have buried that toilet with your mom."

[crowd groaning]

So, that's your boyfriend? Young man is your boyfriend?

[woman] Uh, yeah.

Fuck, yeah, hey.

That's good that you got a young man.

You gotta have a young man, someone that believes in you,

because older men don't believe in you no more.

-[laughs] -[crowd laughing]

When you date somebody young, you can share your dreams with them.

"Yeah, babe."

"I feel like going back to school and getting my law degree."

"Do it! Not too late. You're 52. You could do it."

[crowd laughing]

"I saw you reading once. You can do it."

But you can't tell that to your wife or someone your age.

They won't even let you finish the sentence.

"Honey, I feel like going back to school." "I'm gonna stop you right there, stupid."

"Don't get mad when I tell you this, okay?"

"But you didn't graduate high school."

[crowd laughing]

"You lost your kid in a custody battle."

"Ooh, ooh, ooh. That should be your first case."

[crowd laughing]

"You should work that case pro bono."

"All right, slow down, babe. 'Pro bono'?"

"Let me google that. What the fuck is that?"

A lot of guys here with young women here tonight, man.

My, uh… My wife is my… My wife is the same age as I am.

We're like four years apart, you know.

[scattered laughing]

Thank you, bro, for laughing at us.

[crowd giggling]

I love women my age, man.

I need a woman that knows the difference between a heart attack and a good time.

[crowd laughing]

I need a woman that's gonna call for help and not go on TikTok LIVE first.

[man] Whoo!

When you fuck a young woman and you're an older man,

you have to be an actor, man.

You have to pretend your knees don't hurt.

[crowd laughing]

You gotta hold your cough. [clears throat]

[clears throat]

Shit, you fuck a woman your age, you don't give a fuck.

You're fuckin' leaning on her.

[crowd laughing]

You're fuckin' cough-- [coughs heavily]

You got your IV on you. You don't give a fuck.

-[woman] Whoo! -Shit, you fuck a young woman.

After sex she wants to go fuckin' hiking and shit, kayaking.

You fuck a woman your age, after sex you look over at her…

[exhales sharply]

"Hey, you wanna take a nap or what?"

[crowd laughing]

She's already ahead of you.

[imitates snoring heavily]

Sleeping, holding her purse.

[imitates snoring]

Set an alarm for 30 minutes.

[imitates snoring]

[mocking] She got shit to do.

Man, I flew on, um, Spirit Airlines on the way here.

-[crowd] Ah! -It took me nine days!

[crowd laughing]

They make so many stops!

It's a weird airline, man. They make up rules as they go along.

I got up to take a shit. I went back to my seat.

Somebody took my seat.

I asked the flight attendant, "Hey, man, I think somebody took my seat."

"Sir, did you get up during takeoff?"

"Yeah, I had to take a shit."

"Well, you fucked up, sir."

[crowd laughing]

"Go find somewhere to sit. We're gonna leave right now!"

There was nowhere to sit.

I had to hold on like a bus.

Everybody is happy, drinking BuzzBallz.

[crowd laughing]

I remember, at the airport, I was eating food, you know.

I had fries and a hamburger.

And this old lady was throwing her food away.

And she dumped all her fries on my plate.

She said, "You look like you can finish these fries."

[crowd laughing]

I was like, "Lucky guess, bitch!"

[crowd laughing and exclaiming]

I remember… I remember somebody stole my identity, man,

ten years ago.

And they got arrested for my warrant. [scoffs]

[crowd laughing]

[woman shrieking]

I remember he was calling me, "Hey, man, tell 'em that's you."

"Nah, bro."

[in singsong] "If you can't do the time, don't do the crime, puto."

[scattered cheering]

I remember when they stole my identity, man,

they were making purchases that I can't make, you know.

And I felt like the bank was calling me with sarcasm just to laugh.

[crowd laughing]

They knew I didn't make those purchases.

They were asking me, "Felipe, um, did you make a house payment this month?"

-[blows raspberry] -[crowd laughing]

[scattered whistles]

Oh man, I went to a… a wedding with my wife.

And as soon as we got to the wedding, you know, you sit down at the banquet.

At the party, we sat at our table,

and somebody had taken the centerpiece off the table already.

They took the centerpiece

before the DJ could say, "Please don't take the centerpiece."

You don't take the centerpiece right away. You let people enjoy it first.

You know, they look at it, "Hmm."

And little by little, you put it closer to your plate.

[crowd laughing]

You put your mom's jacket over it.

[crowd laughing]

You send your niece to get another one. "Scarlett, go get that one."

"Your grandma wants one too. Your other grandma. Go get that one."

-[crowd laughing] -[woman coughing]

My wife and I are dancing. And then a woman starts dancing behind me.

Starts playing with my hair, like this.

Blowing hot breath on my head.

[blowing heavily]

[sniffs] Ay! My nipples got hard.

Then another woman was dancing with my wife too.

I looked at my wife.

"I think they want to take our centerpiece."

-[crowd laughing] -[scattered applause]

"These bitches want to take our centerpiece."

"Let's go dance back to our table."

But then their husbands started dancing with us too.

And then more wives and more husbands.

And one of the wives looks at me, "Are you and your wife both swingers?"

"Well, I don't know about her, but I am."

[crowd laughing]

I got my sports bra, and I'm ready.

-[crowd continues laughing] -[scattered applause]

My wife fucking got my stomach like, "We ain't going."

So we didn't go.

On the way home, I was fuckin' mad, man.

I was drawing titties on the window.

[crowd laughing]

I looked at my wife.

"You know, honey, you should change your profile on Instagram,

because you're not adventurous."

[crowd laughing]

"With all caps. Get the fuck out of here."

So, my wife and I, we went home to just have regular two-people sex.

Nothing fancy. I kept my Fitbit on.

[crowd laughing]

To lie to my phone that I went to cardio. [groans]

I was thinking about the orgy I missed.

The sexcapade, the orgy.

[woman laughs]

I was thinking to myself, looking to my wife… [murmurs]

…"I'm glad we didn't go, babe."

"I would have been the first man out."

[crowd laughing]

"Then I'd have to watch you be a whore all night."

[woman shrieking]

That'd be hard to watch. [sighs]

You're watching your wife… [sighs deeply]

[crowd giggling]

I guess she grew up in different times.

That'd be hard, trying to get your wife's attention. "Let's go."

[whistles]

She can't see you. Too many penises.

[crowd laughing]

"I gotta go. My husband is calling me."

"That's your husband? The fat guy wearing clothes?"

"That's the guy who burned a quesadilla here earlier."

[woman laughing loudly]

That'd be a horrible ride home.

I'm driving, my wife's all beat up.

"We're not going back to that church."

-[crowd laughing] -[scattered applause]

[whistles]

[crowd cheering]

You having a good time?

[crowd cheering and whooping]

[crowd cheering and whooping]

I know there's a lot of ladies here

who are here with your husband, with your boyfriend,

because he is a fuckin' humungous big fan of Felipe Esparza.

Thank you for supporting him.

[crowd cheering, whistling]

Thank you for buying tickets for his dumb ass.

Thank you for surprising him for his birthday and shit.

I know he's gonna owe you big after this.

[crowd laughing]

It's sad how… Your wife will claim that shit on the way home.

You're fucking still laughing from the show, "Fuckin' guy, that guy…"

Your wife'll look at you, "Now we're gonna watch something I wanna watch."

[crowd laughing]

Some rom-com bullshit.

Some romantic comedy.

[laughter, whistle]

You ever watch one of those movies with your wife,

and you have to pretend you're into it. "Oh, that's that guy, huh, from…"

"Yeah, that guy."

"Oh wow, yeah. That's that guy."

"Hey, babe, I'm gonna take a shit real fast."

[crowd laughing]

"You want me to pause it?" "Fuck, no! Don't pause it."

"Fast-forward that shit."

"Send me the book, bitch. I'll read it."

[laughs]

Sometimes you're watching these romantic comedy movies, rom-coms,

and your wife gets too invested in the story.

She starts comparing that shit to her relationship with you,

just getting mad.

[angrily] "You fuckin' piece of shit!"

"How can you… can't be like that guy?"

"Well, first, I'm not white, bitch."

"I'm fat. I have a black neck. What do you want me to do?"

"Honey, if I were to leave you,

if I were to leave you for somebody, it will be for that actor right there."

"And I live more in the real world, honey."

"If I was to leave you, it would be for that girl

that gave her the popcorn."

"You know that girl with the big fuckin' hickey

and the cold sore, that bitch."

Man, I asked my wife for a threesome, man.

[women] Whoo!

She said, "All right, go get two of your friends and leave."

-[crowd laughing] -[scattered applause]

"Ah, so you are a whore. You didn't pass the test, bitch."

[crowd laughing]

[scattered cheering]

Imagine you'd be like, "What friends?"

How many ladies here are out on girls' night out by applause?

[women exclaiming]

Hell, yeah, beautiful women. Mwah!

[woman hooting]

I'm glad there's girls' night out, man.

When… when women go out together,

it's like five women,

they're all fuckin' beautiful. They're all hot.

Different weight classes, but they're all hot.

Like, the hottest heavyweight champion of the world is there.

The hottest flyweight champion of the world is there.

But when you see men going out,

there's five ugly men.

And one really good-looking guy. Like, he shouldn't even be there.

[crowd laughing]

That's my friend Mauricio, man.

Cuban, silver eyes, 6'2", big-ass penis.

Oh! We've seen it, man.

He gets coked-out, he chases us with it and shit.

[crowd laughing]

When he walks into the room, all the women look at him.

[sighs] "Man, he is so hot."

Even the guys looks at him. "Fuck that motherfucker, bro."

"I heard he likes dick too, dog."

[woman laughs loudly]

When my Mauricio walks into a room, it's like a white lion coming in.

And me following behind him like a hyena with a broken leg.

[crowd laughing]

Mauricio and I, we hooked up. Man, he hooked up. I was there.

We took two women home. Well… There was two. I went with him, you know.

[crowd laughing]

I tagged along, eh?

It was weird, man.

We had sex in the same room, man, with the light on and shit.

I never had sex with the light on. [groans]

I never had sex without a T-shirt on.

It was weird.

I was the only one wearing a blanket and shit.

I made my own little house.

I felt like Nacho Libre and shit.

[crowd laughing]

I couldn't focus. I kept checking out Mauricio's body.

"Damn, bro. You worked out, huh?"

"You're not even sweating. I'm all wet over here."

I started stealing his moves.

[crowd laughing]

"How do you that, bro?"

"When I do it, my dick goes out. Yours stays in."

[crowd laughing]

"How do you do that? My foreskin stays inside."

[crowd laughing and cheering]

And his girl was screaming, screaming. Mine was quiet, man!

"I don't know, bro. She's a mute."

I got mad, man.

"We're losing, bitch. We're fuckin' losing."

[crowd laughing]

"We're fuckin' losing!"

[crowd laughing, exclaiming]

I started pinching her ass.

She's like, "Ah! What the fuck?"

"C'mon, bro. High five, high five."

Yeah, we finish before them. We beat them.

By a long shot. They kept going, they kept going.

We were watching. [sighing]

"Man, no respect, huh?"

[crowd laughing]

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

[crowd cheering and applauding]

Sacramento!

Modesto!

Merced! Northern California! What up?

["Return of the Tres" by Delinquent Habits playing]

[crowd cheering]

[no audible dialogue]

♪ Es la vida cuatro veinte piso fuerte ♪

♪ Botella empty first ten rows annointed ♪

♪ The fiesta's poppin' And all fingers pointed ♪

♪ Irie eyed vatos Got the whole crowd jointed ♪

♪ Check in with Ives Catch me squintin' know why ♪

♪ I came be let my word Fly keep the gleam in your eye ♪

♪ Con mucho drum roll on time Let the horn blow ♪

♪ Gas to the pedal Like metal at a Korn show ♪

♪ The rhyme rocka With a shitload of placas ♪

♪ Grab the mic and freak the rhythm Till there's no more vavas ♪

♪ Still mis palabras fade All boos and ha-ha ♪

♪ That includes all who go sissy la la ♪

♪ So do the cha cha rucca call me poppa ♪

♪ Guero came for action hun until mañana ♪

♪ Down for hi-hat crash and whiplash ♪

♪ City nights, bright lights And herb stash ♪

[lyrics continue in Spanish]

[song ends]

-[thud] -[giggle]

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