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Jack!

Jack!

Yeah I'm up.

Get up and go get that job!

I'm out of the bed, I'm out of the bed.

You better get up and go get that job or you end up a bum just like your father!

What's for breakfast?

Go get a job!

Are you out of money?

How'd you buy the beer?

Get a job.

Looks like retiring at the age of 33 was a bad idea.

Oh God! I can smell you from here, did you take a shower?

Yes I took a shower mom, it's not me you smell, it's the beer.

Hey don't return without a job, bum!

Well i guess this is goodbye then.

Idiot!

One week! Just one week to Africa's most prestigious award ceremony.

And once again it's up to us to make this happen.

Where are we on red carpet?

Well, media's covered

Measurements are in place and the Giama reps are ready to go.

Selena?

Flight reservations have been confirmed for all of our nominees and invited guests.

Reminders will be sent out a day before

They are due to arrive in the united states.

Awesome Kwei, where are we on security?

Well we have 10 guards in the east, west and north wings

So we're ready to go and we're protected.

You sure we have enough security this time?

Yes we do.

Okay awesome, welfare?

Food is covered.

I'm just waiting on the invoice for the drinks so I can send them the payment.

Good, and transportation? Everything is ready, I just need one more driver.

It's a week to the event so we're still looking for one driver?

By the end of the day, I need a driver.

Yes sir!

Uh, there's nothing on this resume Mr Curry.

Oh that's probably because I kind of retired when I dropped out of college.

So I'm in the process of rebuilding my resume.

I do write a lot of movie reviews on Netflix though.

Uh that's not the type of experience required to get a job here.

So sorry Mr Curry.

Are you a rapper?

What do you mean by that?

What you just said to me, I'm sorry Mr Curry.

That has a rhyme to it. Check it out.

I'm sorry Mr curry, I'm so so so sorry Mr curry.

It's just a rap song!

When is rap illegal?

Oh oh okay, what if that was the next Beyonce?

You know what, I don't need it, keep it, it's worth a lot of money one day.

Is that my job too?

I'd be famous one day, you'll regret it.

Good luck with that.

Come on man! I can cook Indian food. Give me a chance.

No junkie's cooking my restaurant.

I'm not a junkie man, that's racist, I love curry.

I hate it.

Whatever.

Oh Come on! Am I invisible now too?

You didn't see me there?

What! I'm sorry are you blind?

Seriously?

If you're blind, you shouldn't be walking around, it's kind of dangerous to other people.

Ma'am, I just wanted to apologize about my behavior back there, I was really rude.

If you really are blind, I'm impressed with how much you can do without help.

Are you not done insulting me?

No no I'm not insulting you I just wanted to apologize.

I'm sorry.

Apology accepted.

What type of drivers do you need?

Okay so I work for Giama, Giama the sports team?

Seriously?

We host the biggest gig in town, an annual movie award and we bring in

Scores of celebrities. So I'm out here, looking for a driver

Before the end of today, who would chauffeur my celebrity guest for the period

They'd be in town.

Sounds fun, when is it?

Next week. In time

for you to get tickets for two?

Will you be there? Definitely.

Maybe I'll be there. My name is Jack by the way.

Kate Peters.

Kate Peters... love that name.

Are you sure you're not one of the celebrities that need driving around?

May I just say um, I'm so glad you're not blind.

Congratulations I'm a key boy, there's a reservation, I won't stop that's

A dedication, I'm the key but I need meditation, I'm a cycling name.

Hesitation shooting nigga, yo yo yo my name is Jack

My mom is white, cause she drinks a lot of beer, that she smells like a dead deer.

She made me get a job, then I told the man to suck my knob.

And then I saw Kate so it must be fake.

Hmmm, yeah... alright...

We gonna scatter nation hmm

Secretary: Hello, oh please have a seat. Thank you.

Hi

Hello sir, yes sir, all right, thank you.

Mr Curry, you may go in now.

How are you doing? Jack.

I believe we've met before, Kate right?

I ran into him downtown last week.

I'm gonna apologize about that, I was having a bad day, my mom told me to get a job.

Or I had to get kicked out.

This is an interview Mr Curry.

My name is Kate Peters as you already know. I'm the appointed Giama

Transportation services coordinator.

So you're my boss. If you get the job.

You have a problem with that?

No no no I support women's rights.

Congratulations on your position, good job.

As a matter of fact i have spice girls on my iPod.

Spice up your life, your power.

Excuse me, sir, are you okay?

Yeah, yes I'm, I'm fine.

Are you sure everything is okay? I'm sorry, just, I'm fine uh.

Okay please keep it down, there's an interview going on in that room, please.

Okay I'm sorry.

Tell us a little more about yourself. Yeah you know, my name is Sunny, you know.

That's, that's what my friend calls me. Your information here says Sunday.

Yeah, you know the same way, you know Sunny aka, I mean, Sunday aka sunny.

You know I actually blame my dad for that. He wanted me to be a priest.

You know when I was a little kid, but as I grew up.

As I became an adult, I, I just realized that you know priests

Can't do something, you know what I'm saying. Save us the sermon, Mr Sunday.

I'm just about

To tell you something. it's okay.

The job entails you picking up guest celebrities from the airports.

Okay

Driving them around to get something to eat.

And while doing all of that we want you in your best hospitable behavior.

So what makes you the best man for this job?

You know I'm saying, um

You know I'm Nigerian I was bought..

See madam eh, see, the matter is this, I be proper Auchi boy, you know. Edo.

Nothing dey happen.

Well eh, so many reasons. Number one, I've been driving since I was 12.

Never got a speeding ticket.

See this job, nothing. I hold ground.

Never been arrested.

And I don't use GPS's to get where I'm going, that's fake okay

if I don't make my destination, it's not meant to be.

All this movie .. is that not Jim Iyke?

Come on baby, I know him very well.

All the film actors, the actress, the director

The makeup artists, I know all of them. See.

When it comes to Nollywood movie, I know all of them.

So all these ones that will be coming from Nigeria and other parts of Africa

I hold ground, nothing dey happen.

Impressive!

Impressive.

However we need our chauffeurs to have background knowledge of our guests.

Especially their celebrity status. That is a requirement.

We are in luck because i know a lot about your

Celebrity African actors. As a matter of fact, me and my friends host a little

African movie night on fridays.

You know we watch movies like stalker, 30 days in Atlanta

Lion king.

Lion king?

Okay Mr Curry, our guests are people, not lions.

Like I said before uh

Growing up in Nigeria, the only thing that we watch in our house.

You know way back in the days was Nollywood movies, you know?

Because I know my father even had a colored TV, you know and there was this

Particular one,

Living in bondage. I'm sure one of you

I don't know if you've seen it before, seen before, living in bondage.

My father made us to watch that movie.

Every Sunday for seven good years.

I don't know why the man just,

I don't know if he was living in bondage but we watched it for seven years.

Perhaps because you were born on Sunday.

I know a lot about uh you know Lagos, Ghana

Bollywood

Bollywood? that's India, this is Africa.

This is America. No, I'm joking.

Another joke I know it's called Nollywood

The second most powerful film industry in the world.

With celebrities like Genevieve

Omotola uh you know Ramsay Noah, Jim Iyke, who by the way I would like to

personally drive around because I feel like I connect with him you know

I read his bio and we kind of come from the same background

so Mr Sunday what prior experience do you have that you're bringing to this job?

Uh before now I used to work in um, in a

call center you know, for an African restaurant, you know.

So hold on hold on call center and african restaurants

don't go together.

Yes it's a call center, you know people call

and you know they call, they tell me what they want to order then

I write it down you know, call center you know so

You mean you are the receptionist. Yeah, it's just not the english name you

know for taking, you know that's, that's. we're

saying the same thing.

So call center, okay

What prior experience do you have

that you're bringing to this job?

Well I mean, one time

I drove from Houston to Tijuana Mexico and from Tijuana Mexico to Canada

In 30 hours. why..?

Because I was bored.

Impressive, I mean let's just say that I don't fall asleep behind the wheel okay

I can be awake for hours like I have red bull pumping through my veins.

Once I step inside the car, I'm very zen

Very calm. it's almost like the car and me become one person

We're connected spiritually.

Like right now, I am evolving.

So what would you do in a situation one of our guest celebrity gets upset

And pours all his or her frustration on you, how would you handle the situation?

So one of your celebrity guests might yell at me for something i didn't even do.

Yeah that's possible, possibly.

Well okay, I pull over, calmly get out of the car.

Open the back door and say, hey Mr celebrity.

You're blaming me for that?

Well guess what, you're not famous because you have 12 million followers on Instagram.

We're all famous!

Facebook bitch!

I'm joking! No no no no no, I'm joking. It's a little joke.

I do that a lot actually. You mean you do that a lot?

No no no, not this. I joke a lot because I think my sense of humor

And skills in making people laugh, usually!

Would be good for this job, you know it gets boring driving around listening to

The same podcasts and radio. Not just conversations, but to answer

Your question, to ease your mind, if I do pick up one of

Your celebrity guests, I promise that I'll be very calm, very zen

And use my tiniest most peaceful voice like this.

Hello Mr celebrity, I'm as a celebrity we're about

To go to Giama! Giama, Giama!

What's um, you don't think the voice is coming up?

Whatever happens, we're still friends okay. This is what happens.

Okay, you look like a movie star. Thank you.

Well gentlemen, with the expected workload and guests

Arriving from all over the world, the board has decided that

You both will be hired.

Both of us?

Yes.

Congratulations!

But...

Only one of you will be hired on a permanent basis.

So I need you to see the next 24 hours as a big test on the job.

Selena will brief you on further documentation and

Your resumption dates, congratulations! Thank you.

Thanks, did you want to see me...

She's busy.

Go!

Jack!

Where's your tie?

Tie?

I don't wear ties.

Put your tie on.

How about me, how do I look?

Take your glasses off.

Ahh madam i want to look.. Off!

This is.. Cap around.

Button up.

So how do we look now? Do we look sexy enough for you?

Here are the keys to your SUVS.

Ensure your phones are on at all times, because.

The next 48 hours will be the craziest of your lives.

Now remember only one of you will be

Retained on a permanent basis so I urge you to be on your best behavior.

Okay gentlemen, it's time.

That's mine.

That's mine.

I bumped into her first.

It doesn't matter!

Oh yeah, you want to race me for it?

Race me, race me. I'm watching, I'm watching you man, watching you.

Look at you, you're already confused, you're already confused, you don't even know how to drive.

You don't know who I am, I am from Auchi.

Go and find out who I am in Auchi, I will deal with you in this town.

If I, if I I will jam you.

Rubbish! Your father!

Waiting on somebody too?

You know what I hate?

You make an effort to show up on time and they're not even here.

I've been waiting for 20 minutes for a silly

Cab

Oh it's horrible, is he your boyfriend?

He's a taxi driver!

You actually call it a taxi?

Yes.

Is this 1995 or what?

No, its.. that's what we call it in London, taxis or cabs

You're from London?

No I'm Nigerian.

Hi!

I'm a driver for a company, I'm waiting for this beautiful woman she's got a lot of hair.

She's like the Meryl Streep of Nigeria.

She kind of has your eyes.

So it's not here right? Yes.

You like America? I do. I did.

Except for that Donald Trump right.

Hey look, I'm sorry, He's gonna be gone very soon. Don't worry.

Okay. That's right.

First time in Houston huh?

Yeah i can't wait to leave this city and go to...

Yeah hello, yeah I just arrived Houston now.

So your name is uh, Emma right? Yeah my name is Emma Naira.

So uh, you're one of the big time producers right, for the Giama?

Jack.

Oh hi Jack.

Jack Yeah I'll just call you Jack in the box

I like that I assume you're a producer because of

The costume you're wearing.

Must be somebody important.

Yeah, I'm actually a singer myself, you know I I know..

Oh you sing too?

You want to hear my song? Sure go ahead, bust one out.

Are you serious? I can sing?

Okay, okay.

You know who you remind me of dressed like that?

The Boko Haram.

Excuse me!

Excuse you.

I'm watching you buddy.

Now once I get to the hotel, I'll call you.

Yeah, love you too babe.

Awww!!!

Is that your wifey?

What?

Oh, you're right.

That is kind of personal. You don't even know my name.

What do you mean you see me naked. Do you know where I'm from?

Don't you know that's degrading to African women?

Everyone's naked in my eyes and trust me.

It's not always pretty, you're pretty.

Sometimes I feel alone.

And a little ugly

But then I look in the mirror and realize.

I'm the American Driver.

My name Melvin Oduah.

You're the big time Nigerian movie star, aren't you?

Yeah by the grace of God.

By the grace of God.

What does that mean?

What does what mean?

By the grace of God.

Is that one of your movies?

Nse!

You're Nse. Okay yeah, you are here on time.

Okay cool.

No I've been waiting! And what is your name?

Jack, why did you show up early?

That way everybody says

I'm sorry.

Oh my god!

I'm sorry.

Well the second verse gets better.

No no no!

Thought I was the driver but it turns out.

I'm actually an astronaut, we're going to mars.

We're going to mars.

No. You know what? I regret telling you that I'm a singer.

And you're exhausting me right now.

Don't be ashamed of who you are, it's okay.

That is, that one of your movies?

Well, that means yes.

I am a big time actor.

Oh okay.

Mr movie star.

Where exactly are you from?

Uh Lagos?

Yeah Lagos.

Oh Lagos.

What part of Lagos?

I mean I know, I just want to see

if you know.

The CD parts, Lekki.

Lekki.

I am very very familiar with Lekki. Very familiar.

So uh, did you ever get a massage from a mermaid?

Just.. please pull over okay.

Okay, we're at a red light, we are pulled over.

I mean you have to be ashamed. Don't tell anybody I'm a big fan of redheads.

They're hot. Hey, what are you doing?

You can't, you can't just hop..

What are you doing?

Hey!

You can go now.

What did you say? You said I could go right, like I'm your

little slave. Come here I want to tell you something.

Do I look like a slave to you? Huh, motherfucker!

Who's your movie star now, huh?

Ready for your photo shoot? Bitch!

Oh I'm sorry, what did you say?

Huh?

Oh oh nothing, nothing, just kind of blanked out for a second.

Are you good? Uh yeah yeah, we're good bro, we're good.

Okay.

You are two hours late, lucky that I've been here for 20 minutes and you say I'm early?

Well..

Oh you know what, my phone's on LA time because I always wanted to move to LA.

You ever do that? Where like you have your phone on another time zone?

Look I'm sorry okay

I just really want to move to LA and it's kind of a motivational thing for me.

You've got hair in the car.

Well I've been picking up a lot of women. What do you want?

I'll get rid of it. It's a Halloween costume.

You know, hello there, I'm from London.

Oh yeah I'll keep this in.. Don't do that accent.

The front seat. My mom and father was from London.

No! My stuff!

Oh yes yes yes.

Uh, pick which one you'd like on the trip.

Anything else?

I'll keep this.

Meryl Streep my ass.

All right baby, you ready to rock?

Wait, wait, wetin you say your name be again?

My name is Jack.

Them dey call you Jack abi?

Na Jack in the box you be or na wetin you think say you be?

No no no, I just can't understand a word you're saying.

You dey craze? Wetin make you keep me for airport forever?

It's not my fault my cell phone..

Wetin make you dey say Meryl Streep my ass?

Meryl Streep na your mate?

No no no, you're better than Meryl Streep. You want to know why?

You're younger.

This guy dey make make I craze. Shut up!

Drive motor.

It's times like this i wish that radio worked.

I did get a lot of sleep though.

You did?

Yeah. See my other guests that i'm taking, it's..

Like they're kind of cranky and I, I don't think they mean to be rude.

I think it's the paparazzi. Do they bother you?

Oh I... and you can tell me because don't

Just think of me as your driver, I'm also your friend okay.

If the team is bothering you, I will knock the shit off them and i'm serious

I will pull this car over... is that them? Are they following us?

That car behind you, it's been behind us for like the last five minutes.

Oh no it's not okay, I just, I don't like that you know.

It's like yeah, you want to be famous but you just want to be able to go to the hotel

Watch your Netflix, talk to your boyfriend which you probably have.

Without people bothering you and talking nonsense to you, am i right?

Yeah it's like they don't respect you or what you need.

And what you need is to entertain people and be beautiful.

And have everyone look at you but leave you alone at the same time.

We're talking space They don't know when to shut up.

I can tell you that much. You know, this one time I saw a TMZ guy start

Bothering one of my friends who's famous and I don't really want to say her name

Because I respect her privacy and anonymity.

Her name is uh Diaz Cameron so they started bothering Diaz Cameron by

Licking their face and she's like, are you licking my face?

Wait what?

Yeah this TMZ photographer started licking my friend's face

So what I did is I stepped in and started licking their face.

You started licking ..

Yeah i found... oh my friend's calling me.

Sorry one second. Yo Phillip what's up.

Hey man. I'm at work man.

What's up? I can't handle this right now man.

Hey what's wrong man?

You don't get it man, she left you?

Can't believe she cheated on me.

She did what?

Life without her is meaningless.

Hey hey, it's not the end of the world buddy.

You know what that means?

That means it's your turn to have sex with another girl.

Or as many women as you want right because

let's face it she's going to, well maybe men.

You don't get it.

No no, I didn't mean like, no no, look where are you?

I'm at the bridge where i met her. Yeah the bridge you met her at okay.

I know where that is, it's like ten minutes away. What are you gonna do there?

I don't know if I can handle this. Philip what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna do it man, I'm gonna jump. Oh come on, don't talk like that man.

Seriously.

What the hell you think I'm gonna do man? I'm gonna jump

Are you gonna jump?

Oh my God! No no no, Philip! Wait ..

Can you wait 10 minutes at least, okay please i'm i'm almost there okay.

I'm on my way

Philip! Philip!

I'm so sorry um, my friend kind of needs me right now.

No it's fine. Let's, look i know it's awkward but i have to.. okay is it okay?

Yeah because the hotel's back that way so, okay, we'll be there in five minutes.

Oh my goodness!

Don't come any closer, I'm gonna jump. Is this, is this close enough?

Yeah that's fine.

Okay man look are you really gonna jump?

Yeah.

Why did you call me out here man? You want me to watch you die? Is that fun for you?

Yeah.

And look i actually need you to deliver a message to Beverly from me all right.

Yes anything, what is it? I want you to tell her

She's gonna rot in hell for what she did to me.

No Phillip, I'm not gonna tell her that. You want to know why?

Because you're gonna tell her yourself.

Because you're not gonna die today and she's not going to hell.

Because she doesn't plan on dying anytime soon.

She's a pan sexual now, she plans to have sex with as many things as possible.

How the hell does that help me out and what the hell is a pansexual Phil?

Uh, someone that has a Peter Pan fetish

At a weird level. I don't know, she's your ex-girlfriend.

I don't know how this is helping me man. I'm sorry Jack. This, it's gotta end right now

No no. Please please, you could jump today

Could, or you could give me 10 seconds, just 10 seconds to show you the most

Beautiful woman that I picked up on the way to see you.

That's right, I thought about you and I have a surprise for you buddy.

Just wait Right there please?

That's right buddy, look Isn't she beautiful? Her name is Nadia.

Say hi Nadia Hey Philip.

Hi.

She's the girl next door, the one you want. You're Sandra Bullock.

Not like that Peter Pan sucking Beverly. Hey, are you sure you're not punking me right now?

Nah man, why'd I punk you right now, we're like brothers man.

And she's real, she's not a hologram and guess what

She's a stripper.

What?

The twerking kind.

Okay, he's really into the strippers, if you can pretend to be a stripper for five minutes

You might be able to save his life.

Pretty amazing actress, you can do it. Come on.

Hey Philip.

Hi.

So I'm gonna be your new girlfriend. How's that?

And stripper.

You and I are gonna have an amazing life together okay, and I can't wait.

So how about you just calm down and we'll go away.

Are you really gonna strip for me?

Yes Phillip, I'm gonna strip for you.

And we'll go places together?

Wherever you want.

You won't be ashamed of me?

Of course not why would i be ashamed of you?

You'll let me fart in public? He does that a lot.

Yeah you could fart in public, I mean but wait, why would you want to fart in public?

So I like to fart in public. Ew that's just gross.

If i can't fart in public just forget it.

I'm gonna jump!

You can fart, fart away man.

You could fart anywhere right now, fart right now. I can take it.

Before we do it, I could take it, yeah we could take it

Fart. Fart away Philip, just calm down please.

Please.

Okay, just one more question. Yes.

Do you, do you love me?

Say yes please.

Yes I love you, I love you so much.

Okay, okay I'm coming.

Yes!

Never do that to me again!

Sorry. I don't know what I was thinking.

What is wrong with you?

I don't know what I was thinking.

She's not worth it. No.

Jeez!

It's okay. I'm just glad I was able to help.

You're an angel.

Jeez, I almost had a heart attack.

You're not gonna strip for him? Are you crazy?

It's not that hard, you just take off your clothes..

He's not going to be angry, he's going to be really happy I promise.

Because you just got punked.

Wait, If this is a punk show and I'd just been punked, how come I don't see any cameras?

And what the hell is Ashton Kutcher? We don't need Ashton Kutcher.

We're double the Kutch and you know what, if you want to see it.

He's got the footage right, you told me not to film it. You didn't film it?

We don't have any footage.

Oh my, you guys are morons okay.

You're supposed to go pick up guests from the airport and take them to

their hotel. Not to put up a prank like this.

You know what, I'm gonna press charges and I will tell your employees about this.

Whoa look right there, wait, wait, wait,

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I just wanted to impress you.

We're actors.

Welcome to Clinique spa.

Thank you very much.

How was your day?

I'm a bit exhausted you know, I have this driver who just kind of tired me out.

I'm so sorry. We'll have you reserved for a classic

60-minute massage and we'll get you ready for your big event tonight.

Thank you. You're welcome.

And right over here this is where we'll go ahead and pick any experience are you ready.

Great.

I am so ready.

Okay

Oh wow Jack.

Doing too much, I'm good.

Are you okay?

We can go i'm good.

Are you sure? I'm great thanks. If anybody tries anything just scream twice okay.

I got it.

There's only room for one right?

Yes. I'm so sorry

It's okay, I'll be outside.

All right thanks Jack, Thanks.

Anytime call me.

Oh boy!

You like it?

Love it.

More pressure?

More pressure.

You're the boss.

I'm the boss. You like the big boss?

I'll do it just the way you like.

Thank you so much Bye

I'm ready to go now hello.

Jack.

Earth to Jack. Let's go! Come on, let's go yeah, let's go.

Good night.

So next tuesday, I'll be back for massage okay.

Hi my name is Jack Curry. Hi Jack Curry, I'm from giama.

Hi Jack Curry, special services. Hi Jack Curry, special services.

I also bake.

Hey, is that Kate?

Hey Kate hey. Awww, she's awesome, love her.

Wow the great Jim Iyke in my car.

This is so cool man, I feel like i'm in one of your movies.

One of your good movies which by the way

I've seen like five of them on youtube last night.

The good ones, the great ones even the bad ones, which aren't that bad okay.

Rotten tomatoes sucks. It is a pleasure to have you in my car brother.

Thank you. Brother?

Oh sure, you know i'm just i'm just really excited

To have you in my car, don't mean to go over the top or scare you you know, it's

not every day that I get to drive an international superstar.

What's your name?

Jack, you can call me Jack. Right Jack.

Jack do you think um.. well you know, is something wrong with this vehicle?

No. Why? It's in top shape. So why are we driving so slowly?

Oh well

You know I don't want to get in a wreck and you know injure one of the biggest stars in the world.

I mean You want me go faster, I'll go faster okay.

Yeah you do that.

Yeah, you feeling the wind brother?

So what was life like on the island?

What island?

Come on Mr Iyke, you know what island.

Don't act like you don't know the one where all the celebrities live.

The dead and alive ones like Tupac and Biggie.

You know, the Lekki Islands in Lagos. I used to live there.

In my former life.

Well I don't know what you're talking about, I live in Abuja.

Abuja!

Is that an island or a mainland?

Jack right

um, I think you should focus on driving.

You know this conversation, it's it's not working because I just did a

13-hour flight all night to come here and the last

Thing I need is a grandma driving at this pace, we'll probably get

To the hotel by tomorrow. You think you could pace it up a little?

Hey I completely understand, you want to get there faster.

No problem because believe this or not Mr Iyke, I used to be a formula one driver.

Yeah as a matter of fact I'm starting to feel that urge.

That need for speed. Buckle up Mr Iyke, it's about to get crazy.

I said I wanted to get there on time

But I didn't say I wanted to get there dead.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey white boy. Hey hey, hey white boy.

There's um, there's a cop car behind.

I think you should pull over. Shit! We're in trouble bro.

What we? Where did the we factor come from? I'm the passenger, you're the driver.

Please Mr Iyke, I'm trying to loose..

Loose what, don't you dare lose anything. Just pullover for crying out loud.

What's the big deal?

I can't go to jail okay, my grandmother's gonna ground me for a week.

It's just not fun okay. Has the law changed in this land?

Since when do people go to jail for over speeding?

He's just gonna give you a ticket.

Jesus Christ! Mr Iyke relax, I played a lot of grand theft auto.

I can do this. What did you say? Grand Thef..

Please, don't I look calm to you?

Pull over.

Jake! Jake!

I'm telling you, pull over. He's probably taking your number plate or something

What kind of weed are you on? What type of nonsense is this now?

I've told you I'm not in a hurry!

Look Mr Iyke we lost him, he's back okay, he's gone.

Calm down.

See we lost them, I told you I was a formula one driver.

Formula one driver yeah?

Got you right on time brother.

They sent you to kill me right?

I'm not your brother.

No brother. I am not your, don't you call me bro, look at

Do we even look alike? I'm not going to jail because of you today.

I am not your brother. I swear if it was Nigeria, I would break

up my foot on your white head. I could be adopted, you don't know.

Adopted, what is wrong with you? Don't you don't you pity your parents?

Don't you have, you know what, let me keep it together.

I am in control.

Yes Yes.

I am in control. I'm the man. I'm the man. You're Jim Iyke.

You're the man! You're my brother. I mean I mean, my friend, my friend.

Please don't make me kill you for no reason

You told me to go fast, I went fast.

You told me to go faster.

I'm barely in one piece

You nearly gave me a heart attack in there.

I thought you were Mr movie star. Weren't you in that vast race car driving movie

You should be giving me a medal.

You want a medal?

Yeah.

You only want a medal?

I think I deserve one.

Here comes your man right now.

Officer! Right here.

Arrest him officer.

No no no stop! That's him, Yeah, That's him

Don't move.

Hands up, don't shoot.

I don't know what to tell you...

Put your hands, put your hands on the car

Turn around

Mr Iyke tell him.

What?

That we're brothers.

I've never met in my life before officer. We're brothers.

We're brothers.

I'm gonna tell mom about this I swear, talk about my mama one more time, I'll kill you

Can you still give me a four-star rating? Stop yelling.

Can you still give me a four-star rating? Just take him away lock him up for good.

That guy is a menace.

Seriously, if you would just call Jim, he'll tell you he was joking.

I, I really don't think he was serious about that. It was only 70 miles over I swear.

Can we go with the one wheel.. Sir please turn around.

Orange is the new black cast.

You could be more comfortable in that song. Put your hand on the wall for me.

Okay.

Um, you want me to go in that cell?

Yes.

You're going to be put in a cell.

Put your hand on the wall for me. Is there any way I could go to the one down

the hall over there, probably more comfortable.

I promise I won't do

anything weird I just, I just, i'm not good with, i want to go in

that one, is it okay, because i'm not

Step in there.

It's just for a second right and

then we'll

I think he wants to get out, i think you should let him out.

He needs some air.

Sir we need some air.

What's the deal with this Jake guy? Jake? Who's Jake?

Your driver. oh jack, he's probably cooling off in jail at some precinct.

Yeah about that, I know, i think he's a guy that's been

down on his luck lately, he's not really a bad person.

What can you do to get him out as quickly as possible?

You know the way the

System works here, I mean, i think he'd have to see the judge.

But for you, i'll see what i can do. girl that's why they call you miss proficient.

Please, get him out okay, he's crazy but he's cool.

All right then, please do it for me. Enjoy your stay. I will, thank you guys.

Oh no sex while driving right.

It worth it, it was worth it.

Jack Curry, you've been released.

You made bail.

Already?

Hey facebook, facebook, facebook brothers. all right, facebook. I'm pretty good work for you.

I got you

Look, look look. thank you so much for bailing me out.

Shutup

I don't hear one more word from you jack just shut up

You could have called an uber to pick me up but you came yourself.

You must have a thing for me. Mm-hmm, you know..

I could have left you to rot in there. The only reason i'm here is because Jim

asked me to just, so shut up Jim paid for this? Is he here? Jim Jim

oh is Jim going to jump out and say hey

no talking, just drive.

You know, if you had shut up all the while, we probably wouldn't have been here.

Sorry do you want me to talk? Shut up.

Strike! somebody use their celebrity status to bust me out of jail and save

my job. Was that you good?

Good Morning Jake.

It's it's Jack Mr Iyke, Jack. Whatever.

No his new name is Mr J ball. You're

gonna get fired. Bros, fire him.

Shut up Sonny, jail's not that bad

You would actually like it there because you would fit in.

Fired. bros fire him. oh i'm so glad i can be here to be your little monkey

I'm Jack the monkey. Do my job for you, you're going to get

fired. Donald Trump, you are fired I make people love you.

Did he just call a black man a monkey? No no no, I would never do that. I i'm the

monkey, i'm look like a monkey. I mean. Listen I've

always figured you to be is stupid. Yeah yeah, you you're especially stupid.

Retarded even. But not ignorant. Oh well thank you yeah

Well that's as close to a complement, Okay well

The point is you can't use the N-word, the W-word, the O-word

You know our, oh so we can't use the M-word now?

No you can't use the M-word, it's completely out of context hmm

what about the F-word? Yes you can use the F-word on you exclusively

because you're the biggest F up I've ever seen in my life.

Kate you look amazing today, where did you buy that from? Hey Jim..

Hi. What's up? Well I'm I'm very upset, I just saw Jake here call a black man a

monkey. No whoa, whoa Jack, did you just

make such a racist remark? I would never.

Do that, I I son, I'm monkey. I'm the, see that's what he did so I'm

lying listen uh, He's a racist. I can't have someone using

Racial slurs around me. I can't have that happen. I think you should let him go.

To think I was manipulated into hiring you to work for black people.

I love black people, I would never. I would never do that.

No, Sonny was just... keys

Mr Iyke?

Oh my god! That was good.

Listen he's been throwing at me all day.

I just thought you know, what let me do a little rebound you know let you feel a little bit

How I've been feeling see how he feels.

Mr golden globe over here!

I leave you guys to get on with your bromance.

Even if I was gay, you're the last person I'll consider

Thank you. Good job.

Um you know what, I'm not feeling this place you know.

I Ii don't feel like eating here anymore. I want to go to an African restaurant

eat proper food. Absolutely yeah. let's go, you know anyone?

No.

Do you want a napkin? All right.

Why are you looking at me like I'm some kind of alien?

I i don't know it's just so fascinating to watch. It's like sitting up close on a

set of a discovery channel episode. Discovery

channel. Yeah discovery channel. You know when you go to another country and watch

I'm an amusement for you huh? No. no no

I've just never seen food like this before I've never seen someone eat food

like this before at all.

Correct me if I'm wrong Jack.

You said you lived in Lagos in your former life, yeah. So you should be used

to this, this whole African setting. Eba and Egusi. Um in Nigeria, in my former life we were

Poor okay, we couldn't afford to go to restaurants like this. In fact my African

Food didn't look like that. it was french fries, ice cream

Cheetos, Lagos, is Nigeria. That's information for your dumb ass.

Secondly, this is crazy. You know that's crazy yeah, this is this

Whole thing is crazy. This is eba and egusi soup

Egusi.

So that's goose. No i don't know, you'll upset me when you pronounce.

Do you wanna try it?

I would love to, it looks delicious. Do it while we're here

You, I don't wanna be eating on the job.

No no, it's okay, you're working for me now. Do you wanna try it?

You know what, what if we came after the show and had like lunch or something or dinner sometime you want to

do that? I don't want to hang with you Jack, you work

for me. where I come from, we don't hang out with people that work for us. You know

what i mean? We can get something to eat later if

you're hungry.

It's like a friendship bubbling. I'm not your friend Jack, okay?

Okay. You keep it professional understand...

Now listen this, this is, this is, this is not working

You know what I mean the first You're making me really uncomfortable

You want. Do you want water that doesn't taste

like salt or soup or.. You know what I need? What? I need space.

Space. I see a lot of empty chairs in this restaurant.

Yeah i was wondering about that. You know, if you did a commercial for this place

it would fill up like crazy. I'm not getting through to you, am I?

I see empty seats Jack. Oh oh you want to enjoy your food. Yeah I

want some space. Yeah no probably. yeah, thank you. Absolutely. It's all you had to

Say you know. I was trying to tell you all this time

but you didn't get it you know, you just kept on..

So professional, sol just sit here and watch the the game.

Jack. Yeah? When I mean space, I mean space.

I literally, space. oh too close, too close. All right, all right, so um..

Yeah I'll just be over here. So hey, so here we go..

Please stop talking to me across the room, it's kind of weird, it is weird.

Okay all right, yeah, uh do you want to text?

Yeah let's do that, we'll text, yeah, it's better that way, yeah we'll text, yeah all right.

Enjoy your food. Hey what's your number?

I know what that means... Yes I'm real, I'm a real boy in flesh and blood and

in my former life I didn't look like this, I didn't talk like this.

That was the prince from the lucky island.

You never see many people who look like you got it. no

I think I have but though I think uh that's in the movie though.

You think I could be a movie star? I haven't said that.

You know what, I think I like you. Oh! Thank you. You're gonna be my personal

driver until I leave town. Really, Yes. I'm flattered sir. I'm a big

fan of yours. I just um, see my boss Kate, who's kind of my

girlfriend but she has no idea, she has me on a really tight schedule so I might

not be able to.. other people, okay, how about i talk to you in

the language that i believe you would understand.

Sir, you don't have to do that, that's a lot of money

That's a hundred dollars

Sir we're not supposed to take these, we get paid salary, we could get fired if

we're just holding it, so I can't I can't take that. Oh boy!

Take this thing now before i change my mind ooo

You want to see a rockets game?

Guy where my oyinbo?

The oyinbo.

He was busy but I'm here to pick you. No come on, I said I made an arrangement with

Jack who is Jack? Oh my colleague? Yeah, Jack's

suppose..he's busy now, that's why they sent me to eh, come and pick you up sir. having to come and

So you're here to pick me up, who you, I don't know you.

I'm Sonny, I mean, I know Jack is white but I'm also I'm half cast so

my, and I was actually born in the states What state?

Edo state, I was born in Edo. Edo state. Yes sir I'm actually um

You know any saloon around here? Yes sir.

There is there's one down the road about five to

Ten minutes No not too far away. Make we go that

one first, make I just clean up sharp sharp.

Okay sir.

Hello, AY..

Good afternoon sir. You people did not just try at all, let me just tell

you my mind. And you downgraded me because of

familiarity abi? Downgraded how?

Is the driver not yet there? Yeah, yes but

this wasn't our arrangement. I made arrangement for that oyinbo guy.

Trust me, you don't want that guy, he's crazy. Just stay with the one you have.

Let me just tell you, with other celebrities don't don't try this. All

Those A-lists people, that will just fall your hands steady.

An arrangement is an arrangement i just need to go and cut my hair, that's all. But, but

I'm not happy. That's just a truth. Okay, anyway, I promise

I'll make sure he comes to you after this assignment.

Yes sir. Have a good day sir.

My man, you want to nice up

For those beautiful cutey guests.

Correct!

Yeah, Yeah! African restaurant, I'm hungry now

The show's in a couple of hours.

Yeah I can't anchor a whole show on an empty stomach. I need fuel, African

fuel. So take me to the African restaurant, Okay chop chop, chop chop, when i say chop

chop, chop chop, all right we'll eat again and again and

again. All right, I suggest we get drive through

because you know these two hours are gonna go by fast.

Okay we only have two hours so I suggest we get drive through and

You didn't get your haircut, you did not get your haircut. No

no no no Kate said specifically, you had to have your haircut before the awards

show and i don't want to piss her off because i'm

trying to date her you know, what's wrong, you know, I think we have a thing

So this decision's on you, we could accommodate to your hunger and get

Food, or we could get a haircut. Haircut, food. Haircut, food

Food, haircut. We don't have a lot of time so please hurry. Food,

haircut. shut up! Just, Shut up!

Just hair cut. Hair cut it is.

Why don't you say so?

How are you doing today brother?

Hey what's up? I'm good man.

How are you getting it?

Okay so basically, I want the...

You know what, you want it even all over right.

With a straight edge up, go T trim right.

Am I right? No no no. Inside buns right, trim the mustache. No.

Hey, don't touch the back, hey don't worry about it, i'm going to touch the back.

Hello there, what's up. Who's there?

Oh it's Kate, I mean boss lady.

What, you told me to call you that.

Man wants to talk to you oh, I don't know

Yup, hey what's up.

Well er, Jack is busy okay. Yeah, he's running errands for me

hey Kate, I mean boss lady.

Mr Iyke, we're a little behind schedule?

What time is it, What's wrong with this country? What time is it? Past seven.

Shit I got into the barber first okay, look we don't have time to get food. I

know you're hungry, we're going to go straight to Giama.

Look, leave giama. I need food, get me food.

No no they have food at Giama, they have finger foods. I don't want to eat that.

Drive through. We're going to show you what american food is made of come on.

Here it is Mr Iyke, the best American food in town.

Hope you're hungry. Do you know who I am? Yeah only the most underrated actor in

the world. You're gonna get oscar one day buddy because

Why is that every time you open your mouth I either want to throw up or I get

depressed. Now i'm feeling good.

Please shut up, let me get my point across, this is important.

I'll ask again, do you know who i am? J.I, you're my boy. No no no boy

I hate when you say that, I'm not your boy and

I am not J.I. I am The J.I. Now you know who I am, and yet you go over

there and you buy me prison food. No no no this isn't peasant

food, this is healthy okay, it's a healthy taco.

I read your wikipedia, I know what you like. You know why I'm gonna eat this

food? Because it's made with love? No no no, the

reason I'm gonna eat.. you know for that, I hate you. I really do hate you.

Seriously from the bottom of my heart, I hate you so that doesn't count. The

reason I'm going to eat this food is by tomorrow

I'm not going to see you for the rest of my life say that. There's Facebook.

And not the one with the blue check mark, I want your real facebook.

I promise you if you find me on facebook I will sue facebook and even the roaches

on facebook, that's how much I hate you. I mean, now get in the car and get me out of here.

Are you on twitter?

Good stuff right? Not bad.

Boom um. What's in this stuff, it's really good.

Oh just avocado, tomato, salsa, cheese, spinach and mushroom

What! what's the last thing you said? Uh mushroom, about ninety percent.

I'm allergic to mushrooms. Didn't I tell you that?

Mr Iyke, I read on wikipedia that you love mushrooms

What stupid wikipedia?

I'm allergic to mushrooms.

Are you being serious? oh you're trying to get me again uh, it's not gonna happen

You got me once today. You're good. I can never tell if you

actors are being serious or not. I mean I'm unlucky about me...

Really, you're really sick. Oh are you trying to get into character

before the show? Oh my God, I I've read about this.

Call 911.

Right, I know what you're doing, no, I'm not, I'm not playing, pull over!

Okay, uh wow okay, if you're if you're gonna

throw up, throw out the window. There you go. I'm gonna throw up please

just pull over.

All right

I'm gonna die because of this psycho. Wait let me get this on film. This is gonna be so cool.

I'm gonna put this on youtube, All right, I'll pull over. Did you know that

Sean Penn is jealous of you? He is.

All right wow, you're really committed.

Did you really throw up? Can you teach me that?

All right, just like Jack Nicholson, Jim Iyke likes to warm up before the big

game. Yeah he's already acting, oh you're the real

method actor. That's my bro, come on, give me more

Okay, good acting. Call 911. Oh it's real..

I'm serious. Yeah you're serious. My stomach is tearing up. You're serious.

This is good. Are you stupid? Call 911!

Mr Iyke. Call 911.

So sorry Mr Iyke, his wikipedia says he loves mushrooms.

I'm so sorry.

Mr Iyke, can you pump his stomach? You pump his stomach. I want to talk to you.

Closer closer. I'm gonna kill you, amma kill you. You are dead man.

It's okay! He's an actor. He's emotional, he's an actor

This psycho has killed me. Mr Iyke.

If I survive this, you're dead!

You're not gonna die. Together we're gonna sue wikipedia. You will get to the

Giama award. I'll be right behind you. Yes.

Right behind you.

So we're gonna move you to the chair. Jim, I'm here, I'm here. Are you okay. Is he

gonna be okay, is he gonna be okay? I don't know.

Jim I'm here. Can you, it's me Jack. How long is he gonna be here? I don't know.

Overnight, a day or two. Overnight. Jim can you hear me? It's Jack.

I realize you're angry with me right now. I'm not blaming you, I've been a real jackass

to you. If you just, you, you have a dream okay. My

dream is just to be alive and enjoy

cheeseburgers. You're actually a real actor, you deserve to be able to get up

on that stage because you've worked harder than anybody.

I know you're sick right now, I know you feel horrible but you have to push

through it. You could be sick later, I promise. You could throw up after the

show. If you can give me two hours, I will give

you the two best hours of your life. Shut up and get me out of here. We're

gonna do this? Yeah. All right follow me.

Oh well. I'll take his shirt. Jim you're gonna be all right man. I

guess I'll uh, I'll be in the waiting room for you.

Yeah so uh, I'll be able to push him inside.

Oh my God! Is that dude so Washington with his shirt off his penis!

Oh come back! Where are you going? Come back.

Where are you going? Come back!

We're gonna get to the Giama no matter what.

Grab my shirt. Everybody get back.

You can't do this!

Ladies and gentlemen coming on stage to open the show and later introduce our

host for the night, welcome AY, Ayo Makun.

You can do better than that.

For what you've done.

I want to thank my director, my producer

Everybody that has been there for us. Thank you very much.

All right, where's my host for the night?

Buhari Iyke!

So let's go to the order of the day, um, we've had

a very eventful day, um, I've been shot at, the police has chased me down the road.

I've been arrested, hospitalized, now I know you don't

believe me, I hear somebody snickering over there.

But it's true, it happened. And it all happened this night.

So I want to take this chance, just five minutes, I crave your indulgence to um

welcome on stage a friend of mine.. Wait uh, that's not him. A dear friend of

mine. Um my partner in crime, is Jake, here my

chauffeur, my trouble maker. Jake, where are you buddy?

Oh hey, okay come here Jake, come meet my people come here. Don't be shy, don't be shy.

This is Jake. Jake is an actor

extraordinaire. I don't know how he lives his life, he

should be locked away and the keys thrown away a long time ago. He's

my friend and I'm very very proud of you and thank

you so much for taking care of me this evening.

Okay, bow, bow, these are very gracious people, bow.

Thank you, thank you Jake, thank you, god bless, god bless, thank you.

That's it, I want to thank everybody for this award for best driver.

This is a talented man. Jim Iyke, Jim Iyke! Jim Iyke!

That's what I've had to deal with all night. Thank you, thank you very much.

Okay what are you doing here? Jack why are you not at work? oh

my, do you not remember firing me? I mean did you come for your money, because I

don't have it. Jack, I have tons of celebrities in town.

I need you at work now. Oh tons of celebrities, that sounds like a

personal problem. Wait, you want me to go back to work. I need

you now!

So you need me now. What do you think?

Jack, Jack!

You want me to go back to work. Get to work now? What time?

Right now Jack. I knew you'd come back.

If you like the lady, then ask her out nicely.

You dog. You smashed it.

Let's just say Kate likes being the boss.

No for real right, she's special. I know, You know the thing about Nigerian

women, they like to front alot but once you break the ice, oh my God, they're

biggest freaks.

To Nigerian women.

Hey I'm in love. You're in love?

Yeah, she's a special girl. For real? Yeah, we'll see.

Hey did you order two or is this for me? Well you know.

Usually, I'll tell you something you know, every time I come out here,

I order for myself alone, I'm like we're buddies now so

come on man. Oh see, I'm not so bad Mr Iyke. No.

Listen, whoever said so. Wow. I have a penchant for exaggeration.

Yeah, eat up bro, eat up. So we're brothers now. Well we're family man.

So I'll see you thanksgiving, Yeah listen to get down me you.

Uh what exactly is this? Oh it's um. It's fish soup. Fish. Yeah fish soup, you

like fish don't you? Love finding Nemo. I know.

Finding Nemo, that's Nemo right there. All right eat her up.

Wait you don't trust me?

Alright.

Brothers. Family.

Five, flavorful. Four, three

Two, you should be hopping anytime...