Original subtitles

HOOPER

GOOD LUCK, SONNY!

DO IT TO 'EM, HOOPER!

OK, NOW LOOK ALIVE.

HERE COMES THE DIRECTOR.

DID YOU HAVE A GOOD LUNCH?

YOU ALL SET?

READY.

6, 3, LOUIE.

OK, HOOPER, I WANT YOU TO STAND BY. WE'RE ABOUT SET.

ROLL THE CAMERAS.

ROLL 'EM , JACK.

SCENE 2, TAKE ONE, "B" CAMERA. MARK.

WE'RE READY TO MAKE THE SHOT, ROGER.

ACTION.

ACTION. COME ON, HOOPER. COME ON.

CUT.

DID YOU GET IT?

GOOD.

PRINT IT.

ALL RIGHT, TONY, LET'S GET READY FOR THE NEXT SETUP.

GET THE FIRST TEAM IN THERE.

GET ME THEM, CHARLIE.

DON'T MOVE, HOOPER!

DON'T MOVE! DON'T MOVE.

TAKE A PICTURE, JACK.

HOLD STILL, HOOPER!

YOU ALL RIGHT?

TERRIFIC.

NO, I'M SERIOUS. YOU ALL RIGHT?

I INVENTED THAT STUNT.

THERE AIN'T NOBODY IN THE WORLD THAT DOES IT BETTER.

AND YOU SAY THAT IN ALL HUMILITY?

I GIVE GREAT HUMBLE.

IT'S OK... NOT A SCRATCH.

YOU SURE?

HE'S NOT TALKING ABOUT YOUR ASS.

OK, LET'S HAVE THE FIRST TEAM!

WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE FOR A LITTLE OF THAT?

2 NIPPLES FOR A DIME.

SONNY, THAT WAS TERRIFIC.

NO, THAT'S TERRIFIC.

TEACH ME TO DO THAT GAG SOMETIME.

HE WANTS TO LEARN

HOW TO DRIVE A MOTORCYCLE UNDERNEATH A TRUCK.

WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY?

SOI WANT TO RIDE UNDER TRUCKS.

COME ON, TEACH ME SOME GAGS.

OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

WEST, CAN I HAVE YOU IN POSITION OVER HERE?

RIGHT AWAY, TONY.

I'LL MAKE A DEAL WITH YOU.

I WON'T DO ANY ACTING

IF YOU DON'T DO ANY STUNTS, OK?

ADAM, PLEASE?

OK. OK.

MR. WEST.

COMING, LITTLE LADY.

HOOPER.

HOOPER, YOU CAN WRAP FOR THE DAY.

HOW WAS THE STUNTOK?

YES.

THAT GOOD?

YEAH.

WOULD YOU GO SO FAR AS TO SAY "PERFECT"?

WELL, THAT'S WHAT HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE, ISN'T HE?

I HATE IT WHEN DIRECTORS SLOBBER ALL OVER ME LIKE THAT.

WHEN YOUR LAST PICTURE MADE OVER $100 MILLION,

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SLOBBER OVER ANYBODY.

YOU GOT ANY PERCS?

YEAH. HERE.

LISTEN, IF YOU'RE HURTING THAT BAD,

YOU WANT ME TO GO GET THE KIT?

NAH, I'LL JUST CHOMP ON A COUPLE OF THESE.

WHAT IS IT THIS TIME?

IT'S MY FRIGGIN' BACK.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, SONNY?

NEVER FELT BETTER AND HAD LESS.

HEY, LISTEN, YOU CAN BE REPLACED.

THAT BIKE GAG WAS TERRIFIC.

IT WOULD'VE KILLED YOUR ORDINARY MAN.

HEY, CULLY, YOU TAKING CARE OF MY BOY?

WELL, I'M TRYING TO, MR. BERNS.

MAKE SURE YOU DON'T GIVE HIM ANYMORE GODDAMN PILLS.

BY THE WAY, SONNY,

THERE'S A NEW KID IN TOWN.

EVERYONE SAYS HE'S A YOUNG SONNY HOOPER.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO CHECK HIM OUT?

I'M FULL UP.

YOU'RE THE BOSS.

THANKS.

SEE YOU LATER. NOW TAKE CARE.

SEE YOU, MAX.

WHY IS IT...

EVERY TIME I COME TO TOWN

SOME YOUNG BOY

HAS GOT TO TRY AND MAKE A NAME FOR HIMSELF?

COME ON. DO GREGORY PECK FOR THE DOCTOR.

I DON'T WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR.

YOU'VE GOT TO GO AND GET SOME X-RAYS.

I'VE SEEN MY X-RAYS. THEY LOOK LIKE A MAP OF L.A.

I KNOW, BUT AFTER THAT STUNT,

MAYBE YOU'VE BUILT ANOTHER OFF-RAMP.

WAIT A MINUTE.

THE PERCODAN IS STARTING TO WORK.

I FEEL THE PAIN IS VANISHING.

BY GOD, I THINK SHE CAN DANCE.

I THINK SHE CAN TURN. I THINK SHE CAN WHIRL.

JESUS! HOW ABOUT A DATE?

DANCER!

IT'LL BE HERE IN A MINUTE, DANCER.

PERFECT COMPANION.

WHO, ME OR DANCER?

I WOULDN'T KICK EITHER ONE OF YOU OUT OF THE HAY.

YOU NEVER FEED ME A CAN OF BEER LIKE THAT.

YOU DON'T SHAKE IT UP AND DOWN LIKE THAT.

THAT'S VERY TRUE.

HOW'D IT GO TODAYOK?

OK. NO PROBLEMS?

DID YOU FILL ALL THOSE LITTLE MINDS AT SCHOOL

WITH LOTS OF KNOWLEDGE?

OH, I DID MY VERY BEST.

CULLY CALLED. OH, YEAH?

HOW'S YOUR BACK?

HE'S GOT A BIG MOUTH.

OH, COME ON. HOW'S YOUR BACK?

A LOT BETTER THAN HIS BUTT'S GOING TO BE

WHEN I GET THROUGH KICKING IT.

WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH CULLY?

HE DIDN'T CALL JUST TO TELL ME THAT.

SONNY, YOUR EYES ARE DILATED.

OH, DON'T START WITH THAT.

HOW MANY PAIN PILLS DID YOU TAKE TODAY?

I HAD 2, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

YOU HAD 2 YESTERDAY.

I DON'T TAKE DOPE. I DON'T TAKE COCAINE.

I DON'T SMOKE POT. I TAKE PAIN PILLS.

THEY STAY IN YOUR BODY.

WHAT IS THIS? LOOK AT MY SOCKS.

WHAT ARE THEY DOING ON THE...

THOSE ARE YOUR SOCKS.

WHY ARE THEY ON THE PHONE?

AND LOOK AT MY PANTS HANGING ON THE CHANDELIER.

YOU THREW THEM THERE LAST WEEK.

I WAS IN A HORNY MOOD.

COULDN'T YOU TAKE THEM OFF AND PUT THEM AWAY?

ALL OVER THE PLACE, SONNY'S BEER CANS.

IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL. YOU DON'T WORK THAT HARD.

I THOUGHT OF PUTTING IT AWAY.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU PUT IT AWAY?

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THIS STUFF, PUT IT IN THE...

SIT DOWN, WILL YOU?

NOW DO YOU WANT TO HEAR MY THINKING ON THIS?

I FIGURE IF I JUST LET THINGS PILE UP LONG ENOUGH,

WE WON'T BE ABLE TO FIND EACH OTHER.

AND IF YOU CAN'T FIND ME,

YOU CAN'T HAVE ME.

THAT MAKES SENSE. YES.

SONNY...

I'M NOT ASKING FOR MIRACLES.

IF YOU COULD JUST GET THE BEER CANS, SAY...

25 FEET FROM...

10 FEET FROM THE TRASH CAN...

10 FEET.

THAT'S CLOSE ENOUGH.

I'M YOURS.

IS YOUR BACK OK, REALLY?

IT'S FINE.

DO YOU WANT ME TO WALK ON IT?

NO, I WANT YOU TO CRAWL UNDER IT.

ALL RIGHT, WE'RE READY DOWN HERE.

COULD WE CLEAR THE AREA, PLEASE?

YOU'RE A BRAVE DOGGY.

THAT WOULD BE REALLY NICE.

PUT YOUR HAND RIGHT THROUGH THERE.

ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS READY ON THE ROOF?

WORKING ON IT.

TIED OFFOK.

OK, WE'RE READY DOWN HERE.

OK, DON'T LOOK DOWN NOW.

ROLL THE CAMERAS.

5, 6 ON ALL CAMERAS.

"A" CAMERA, "B" CAMERA, MARK. MARK.

OK. ACTION!

CUT. CUT.

SENSATIONAL, ADAM.

REST FOR A MINUTE.

GOOD JOB THERE, ADAM.

WOULD YOU GUYS HELP MR. WEST DOWN THE STEPS?

ALL RIGHT, NOW LET'S GET SET UP FOR THE STUNT.

LET'S MOVE IT. I SAID MOVE IT!

HEY, SONNY, HOW ARE YOU?

HOOPER.

GOOD MORNING, DWARF.

CLEVER. ARE YOU READY?

WHERE'S MR. MOVIE?

RIGHT HERE. GOOD MORNING.

OH, GOOD MORNING.

NOW, AS I WAS TELLING YOU THE OTHER DAY, HOOPER,

IN THIS SCENE, YOU'LL BE ESCAPING

ACROSS THE ROOF WITH THE DOG.

THE DOGWHY DO I HAVE A DOG?

JUST DO THE STUNTS LIKE I TELL YOU.

LET ME WORRY ABOUT THE CREATIVITY, OK?

SURE.

NOW, ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH,

THE SLING WILL BREAK,

AND DOWN YOU WILL COME, DOG AND ALL,

AND I'LL PICK UP ADAM FALLING OFF THE AWNING.

IT'S THAT SIMPLE.

IF IT'S SO SIMPLE, WHY DON'T WE HAVE THE ACTOR DO IT?

I'D LIKE THAT IN ONE TAKE, HOOPER.

I CERTAINLY HOPE SO.

OK, PEOPLE, LET'S GO.

JUST A MINUTE, SONNY. WAIT A MINUTE.

SONNY, DO YOU REMEMBER ME?

I'M BIDWELL FROM THE HUMANE SOCIETY.

NO DOG IS GOING TO FALL FROM THAT.

NO, SIR. NO, SIR. NO, SIR. WE HAVE A DUMMY DOG.

THE SEQUENCE IS KING RIDING WITH SONNY HERE,

AND THEN WE CUT...

AND SUBSTITUTE THE DUMMY DOG FOR THE ACTUAL FALL.

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T LIKE THE WHOLE SETUP.

I DON'T LIKE IT, EITHER, GEORGE.

AFTER ALL, I'M THE ONE THAT'S GOT TO DO THE FALLING.

YES, BUT YOU MADE THAT DECISION FOR YOURSELF,

NOT THE POOR DOG. HE CAN'T MAKE THAT DECISION.

DON'T WORRY, SIR, REALLY.

THE COMPANY IS VERY EAGER TO COMPLY

WITH ALL HUMANE SOCIETY REGULATIONS,

SO WE REALLY MUST BE GOING NOW.

GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN, GEORGE.

ALL RIGHT, HOOPER, AS YOU CAN SEE,

THE DUMMY DOG WOULDN'T FOOL ANYBODY.

WOULDN'T FOOL ME.

THE REALIE'S GOING TO TAKE THE FALL WITH YOU.

OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

THERE'S MY MAN.

MAKE ME LOOK GREAT, SONNY.

I'LL MAKE YOU LOOK GREAT, ADAM.

HE'S TERRIFIC.

YOU CAN'T USE A REAL DOG, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

HE CAN'T HIT AN AIRBAG. HE'S GOING TO GET SQUASHED.

WELL, MAYBE YOU CAN TEACH HIM ON THE WAY DOWN.

DO ME A FAVOR, WILL YOU?

YEAH. WHAT IS IT?

WOULD YOU BRING ME A STEPLADDER

ABOUT THIS HIGH?

WHAT FOR?

I WANT YOU TO CLIMB UP ON IT

AND KISS MY ASS.

SEE YOU LATER, TOULOUSE.

ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE,

WHEN MR. WONDERFUL GETS ON HIS PERCH,

LET'S ALL BE READY.

OK, PEOPLE WE'RE READY.

NOW CLEAR IT BACK. YOU READY ON THE ROOF?

GOOD MAN.

AH, YOU GOT IT TODAY.

MORNING, HOVER, JAWBREY.

GOOD MORNING. IT'S ALL YOURS.

OK. ALL SET THERE, SONNY?

HOOPER!

PEOPLE ARE GROWING OLD DOWN HERE.

ONE SECOND.

YOU WAITING ON ME OR BACKING UP?

GIVE ME THE POOCH.

OK, YOU GOT IT?

NICE DOGGY.

TIME FOR A LITTLE RIDE.

ROLL THE CAMERAS.

MARK, CENTRAL CAMERA.

MAKE IT GOOD, HOOPER.

CUT. PRINT IT.

GET A SHOT UP OVER HERE.

I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU AN OFFICIAL STUNT DOG.

CULLY, GET THIS DOG A BELT BUCKLE.

NICE GOING, SONNY.

YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, I'M ALL RIGHT.

OH, REALLY? YEAH.

I'M FINE.

OK.

LISTEN, YOU HIT LIKE A SACK. YOU SURE YOU'RE OK?

I SUPPOSE YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS CUTE, DIDN'T YOU?

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CUT? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DUMMY DOG?

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GETTING ON HIS CASE FOR?

HE RISKED HIS LIFE TO SAVE THAT DAMN DOG.

USE THE REALIE... MORE REALISTIC.

DO IT IN ONE TAKE. IMPRESS THE DIRECTOR.

TONY TOLD ME THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE GOING TO DO,

AND THEN YOU DID EXACTLY THAT.

WE'RE GOING TO BE PRESSING FORMAL CHARGES AGAINST YOU.

YOU...

THAT LITTLE RUNT.

THAT'S ONE I OWE HIM.

YOU GOT YOUR KIT?

IT'S IN THE TRAILER.

WELL, LET'S GO TO THE TRAILER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'D DO IF I MET THE MAN

THAT... INVENTED XYLOCAINE?

WHAT?

I WOULD KISS HIS ASS RIGHT ON HOLLYWOOD AND VINE.

I KNEW YOU WERE HURT THE MINUTE YOU HIT THAT BAG,

BUT YOU HAD TO PROTECT THAT DOG, DIDN'T YOU?

I LOVE DOGS.

COME ON, LET'S GO TO THE DOCTOR'S.

I HATE DOCTORS.

YOU AIN'T A-SCARED OF NOTHING

THAT WALKS, TALKS, OR DIGS HOLES.

WHY ARE YOU SCARED OF DOCTORS?

I'M SCARED OF DENTISTS, TOO.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU'RE SCARED OF.

YOU'RE SCARED OF WHAT HE'S GOING TO TELL YOU.

OH, BALLS. BALLS, BALLS.

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SEE HIM EVENTUALLY, ANYWAY.

LOOK, I'LL BUY YOU A DRINK. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

I'LL BUY THE DRINK I WAS GOING TO BUY YOU LAST NIGHT,

IF YOU'LL JUST DO ME YOUR JIMMY STEWART IMITATION.

JUST DO A LITTLE JIMMY STEWART FOR ME.

THAT'S A GOOD DEAL.

HEY, I'LL DO JIMMY STEWART,

AND YOU DO ROY ROGERS' SIDEKICK.

ROY'S SIDEKICK?

YOU KNOW, ROY...

ROY IS A GOOD OLD BOY, BUT HE...

HE HAD TRIGGER STUFFED, YOU KNOW?

SO WHEN YOU DIE,

I'M GOING TO HAVE YOU STUFFED.

YOU WOULDN'T.

AND I'M GOING TO STUFF EVERYTHING

BUT YOUR OLD WING-DINGER THERE.

THAT'S THE PART

THAT NEEDS STUFFING.

YOU OUGHT TO STUFF IT EVERY NIGHT.

WELL, I'LL LEAVE THAT UP TO YOU.

I'M A LITTLE TOO OLD FOR IT.

I AIN'T GOING TO HOLD IT, I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

HELL, NO.

BANKERS' HOURS, EH, SONNY?

HEY, IT'S A TASTE EARLY FOR THE PALOMINO, ISN'T IT?

NOT FOR ME, OLD COCK.

HEY, I WANT TO TELL YOU,

THE DOG WAS PERFECT. YOU WERE A LITTLE...

HELLO, JIMBO.

HOW YOU DOING, SONNY?

WHAT YOU DOING OUT HERE WITH MY LADY

WHEN I'M NOT AROUND?

THAT CAN BE DANGEROUS.

NOT AS DANGEROUS AS DOING STUNTS.

YES, IT IS.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, PARD?

I WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU WERE GOING TO DO

THAT CHARITY STUNT SHOW WITH US SATURDAY.

OH, I'D LOVE TO, BUT I'M GOING ON A MOTOCROSS.

IT'S FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE BOYS HOME.

YEAH, THAT'S REAL TOUCHING, JIMBO,

BUT I'M GOING TO GET ON MY BIKE

AND GO RIGHT ACROSS THE DESERT.

I'VE GOT SOMEBODY WHO WOULD REALLY LIKE TO MEET YOU.

JUST IDOLIZES YOU.

KNOWS EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER DONE.

WHO'S THAT?

ONE OF THE BOYS FROM THE HOME.

I'LL JUST GET HIM.

YEAH. WHY DIDN'T HE BRING VIOLINS?

WELL, HONEY, IT'S A BOY FROM THE BOYS HOME.

THEY NEED SOMEONE TO PATTERN THEIR LIVES AFTER,

TO LOOK UP TO, YOU KNOW?

YEAH. WHAT A CHEAP SHOT.

PETE, MEET SONNY.

HIYA, PETE.

SONNY, HOW YOU DOING?

REAL GOOD. HOW YOU DOING?

FINE. GUESS WHAT?

WHAT? I CAN DO A STUNT.

YOU CAN DO A STUNT?

YEAH. LET ME SEE IT.

OK, GET ON THERE.

SHOOT HIM.

DO WHAT?

SHOOT HIM.

BANG.

THAT'S TERRIFIC,

BUT I'M GOING ON THE MOTOCROSS SATURDAY.

WELL, I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE TO GIVE YOUR GAGS

TO THAT HOT NEW KID WITH STUNTS UNLIMITED.

OH, YEAH?

HOW OLD ARE YOU, KID?

I'M STILL DEAD.

OH, RIGHT. YEAH.

WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE DEAD ANYMORE.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

I'M 8, SONNY.

8?

YEAH.

OK. I'LL BE THERE SATURDAY.

HOORAY!

GIVE ME 5.

SEE YOU SATURDAY.

THANKS, SONNY. YOU'RE ALL HEART.

YEAH.

SONNY, WHAT A WONDERFUL GESTURE.

EH, I'M A WONDERFUL PERSON.

AH, GOD.

WELCOME TO THE FIFTH ANNUAL

STUNTMAN'S BENEFIT SHOW.

AND UP THE STREET TO YOUR LEFT, HERE THEY COME.

AND PAY PARTICULAR ATTENTION

TO THE STAGECOACH DRIVER BILLY BURTON,

THE BEST MULE SKINNER IN HOLLYWOOD.

I SEE YOU LIKED IT.

HEY, LADY.

OH, HELLO, DAD.

WHERE'D YOU GET ALL THEM HOUSE APES?

UH, KIDSWHERE ARE MY KIDS HERE?

UH, THIS IS MY FATHER.

IS SONNY COMING WITH DANCER?

YEAH. YOU KNOW WHY HE'S HERE, DON'T YOU?

HAVE YOU SEEN THAT NEW KID WORK?

YEAH. NOW THAT SON OF A BITCH KNOWS HOW I FELT WHEN HE...

DAD!

WHAT? THE LANGUAGE.

OH, SHIT. SORRY. DAMN.

IGNORE HIM. HE'S A DEGENERATE, YOU KNOW.

NOW HOW ABOUT A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE

FOR THESE 2 YOUNG LADIES?

THAT'S ALL THE PAY THEY'RE GOING TO GET.

LOOK OUT, IT'S BLACK BART,

THE MEANEST HOMBRE WEST OF THE PECOS.

WHAT WE NEED NOW

IS A HERO WHO CAN STOP HIM.

HERE HE IS... JUST IN TIME.

NO!

THAT MAN IS ONE OF THE TRUE LEGENDS

OF THE STUNT WORLD...

MR. JOCKO DOYLE.

HERE HE IS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THE GREATEST STUNTMAN ALIVE...

SONNY HOOPER AND HIS FAMOUS HORSE, DANCER.

THEY'VE NEVER LET US DOWN.

THEY'VE PERFORMED IN EVERY BENEFIT WE'VE EVER HAD.

WHOSE DAMN TRUCK IS THAT

PARKED RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF EVERYTHING?

THAT BELONGS TO THE KID.

WELL, WHERE IS THIS HOTSHOT KID

I'VE BEEN HEARING SO MUCH ABOUT?

YOU BETTER BACK UP A LITTLE BIT,

OR HE'S GOING TO DROP RIGHT ON US.

OH, SHIT.

HEY, NOT TOO SHABBY.

THE CHARIOT RACE IS COMING UP, KID.

GO PUT YOUR FRUIT OF THE LOOMS ON.

I'M ON MY WAY.

THE CHARIOT RACE IS NEXT.

THIS OUGHT TO BE A WRECK.

WHO'S RACING AGAINST THE KID?

HAMMERHEAD.

HAMMERHEAD?

HIYA, SONNY.

HI, HAMMERHEAD.

WHAT'S THE MATTER? WHAT...

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

YOU GOT A NICE TUSH,

BUT DON'T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD HAVE SOMETHING ON

UNDERNEATH THIS THING?

LIKE WHAT?

LIKE SHORTS.

THIS IS ALL THEY GAVE ME.

AND BESIDES, I DON'T EVER WEAR SHORTS.

WHAT IF YOU HAVE A WRECK?

WHAT IF YOU TURN OVER,

AND IT FALLS OUT?

IT AIN'T GOING TO FALL OUT.

YEAH, BUT WHAT IF IT DOES?

WHAT IF IT FALLS OUT?

ALL THE STUNT GUYS ARE GOING TO BE EMBARRASSED.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. YOU CAN GO TO MY TRAILER.

GET A PAIR OF MY SHORTS.

YOU CAN PUT THEM ON.

I'LL WATCH THE TEAM WHILE YOU'RE GONE.

HEY, THANKS, SONNY.

AND WHEN I GET DONE WITH THE SHORTS,

I'LL HAVE THEM WASHED.

GET READY FOR THE CHARIOT RACE, KIDS,

AND EVERYBODY WILL HAVE TO PICK YOUR OWN HERO.

HEY, THAT WAS A NICE FALL YOU DID BACK THERE.

WELL, I'LL BE. SONNY HOOPER.

I'VE BEEN WAITING A YEAR AND A HALF TO MEET YOU.

OH, YEAH?

WHAT HAPPENED TO HAMMERHEAD?

OH, HE WAS FEELING POORLY.

BAD FOR HIM, GOOD FOR ME.

HOW'S THAT?

I GET TO PERFORM WITH SONNY HOOPER.

OH, HELL, THAT AIN'T NO BIG DEAL.

CHRIST!

COME ON, BABY.

COME ON!

GO, BABY!

YOU LOOKED GREAT, SONNY!

GREAT, GREAT.

WAIT A MINUTE, JIMBO.

CA-CA, DANCER.

BEAUTIFUL, WASN'T IT? ROUND AND FIRM.

HEY, LET'S GO TO THE PALOMINO CLUB.

HAD A YELLOW STREAK RUNNING THROUGH 'EM.

THAT WAS A PRETTY GOOD TRICK, SONNY.

KID, YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE AN ENTRANCE.

I'M JOCKO DOYLE.

PLEASED TO MEET YOU, MR. DOYLE.

I'VE STUDIED JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU EVER DONE.

THAT WAS BACK IN THE CAVEMAN DAYS, WASN'T IT?

YOU LOOKED GOOD TODAY. DIDN'T HE LOOK GOOD?

YEAH, HE LOOKED GOOD.

WANT TO GO TO THE PALOMINO CLUB?

HOW, UH...HOW FAR DID YOU FALL?

IT WAS ABOUT 125 FEET.

WHAT'S THE FURTHEST I'VE EVER FALLEN?

OH, MAYBE 150 FEET.

NO, I THINK IT WAS ABOUT 85 FEET.

WASN'T IT MORE LIKE 75 IN BULLITT?

LOOKS LIKE HE STUDIED YOU, TOO.

WE'D BETTER GO TO THE PALOMINO CLUB.

THERE AIN'T NOTHING LIKE THE LIFE

OF A HOLLYWOOD STUNTMAN

GOIN' DOWN THE HIGHWAY

RARELY ON THE GROUND

NEVER UNDER 80

JUDGIN' FROM THE SOUND

LATER IN THE EVENING

TEARIN' UP THE TOWN

ALWAYS SEEMS TO END UP WITH

THE PRETTIEST GIRL AROUND

HEY, IT'S LONELY!

WE'RE COMING OVER, MY MAN!

COME ON WITH THAT CERVEZA!

GODDAMN!

THAT SON OF A BITCH DIDN'T EVEN SAY THANK YOU!

WHERE'S THAT BEER?

HEY, SONNY!

ANYBODY IN THERE NEED A BEER?

JOCKO NEEDS A BEER!

MY ARM'S NOT LONG ENOUGH!

THAT'S NO PROBLEM. WAIT HERE.

SOME FOLKS USED TO TELL HIM

HE OUGHT TO SETTLE DOWN

FIND A STEADY WOMAN

LAND A JOB IN TOWN

SOMEHOW THAT ATTRACTION

NEVER SEEMED TOO GREAT

HE ALWAYS SEEMED TO LEAVE THEM

BEFORE IT GETS TOO LATE

PRETTY FANCY!

YOU CAN TOSS HIM, BLAST HIM, FLIP HIM, AND TURN HIM

SHOOT HIM, HANG HIM, BURY, AND BURN HIM

LET ME SEE YOUR LICENSE, PLEASE.

HE WON'T HOLD A GRUDGE

THEN HE'LL LOOK YOU IN THE EYE

AND TELL YOU WITH A SMILE

THERE AIN'T NOTHIN' LIKE THE LIFE

OF A HOLLYWOOD STUNTMAN

STUNTMAN, STUNTMAN, STUNTMAN

SHALL I WAIT, OFFICER?

YEAH. NO. DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

HEY! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

WE'RE JUST GOING BACKWARDS.

PULL THAT THING OVER!

DO WHAT?

RIGHT OVER THERE BY THE CURB!

OK.

I DON'T BELIEVE I WAS GOING OVER 55.

YOU WERE GOING 55 BACKWARDS.

WELL, THAT'S NOT AGAINST THE LAW, IS IT?

UNSAFE BACKING.

SILLY LAW.

IT'S STILL THE LAW.

SIGN HERE, PLEASE.

RIGHT.

HERE'S YOUR LICENSE.

THANK YOU.

HERE'S YOUR TICKET.

SEE YOU AROUND.

HAVE A GOOD TRIP!

HAPPY LANDINGS!

HAVE A NICE DAY, OFFICER.

TAKE IT EASY! HAVE A NICE DRIVE!

WON'T YOU MOVE ON OVER, MAMA?

COME ON AND MAKE SOME ROOM FOR ME

JUMP IN THE BACK OF MY OLD PONTIAC

AND I'LL DRIVE YOU TO TENNESSEE

I'LL PUSH THAT PEDAL DOWN TO THE FLOOR

TURN THE RADIO UP ALL THE WAY

KEEP THIS CAR IN OVERDRIVE

AND WE'LL LET THAT ROCK 'N ROLL PLAY

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

WE APPRECIATE IT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

STICK AROUND, GET DRUNK, AND BE SOMEBODY.

THANK YOU.

SO WHERE...

HE'S GOING 75 IN SECOND GEAR.

HE SAYS, "WHERE'S THAT DAMN DOG NOW?"

HE SAYS, "HE'S RIGHT ALONGSIDE."

HE SAYS, "WELL, SHIT, I'LL JUST GIVE HIM..."

HE JUST FLOORS THAT SON OF BITCH.

WILL YOU SHUT UP?

THAT TABLE SURE IS LOUD OVER THERE.

MAKING A LOT OF NOISE.

OLD BLUE IS RIGHT ALONGSIDE,

AND THIS GODDAMN TRUCK IS COMING.

I'LL TELL YOU, I GOT 50 CENTS IN THE JUKEBOX.

I CAN'T HEAR IT. LET'S GET OUR MONEY'S WORTH.

THE OLD MAN SAYS, "WELL, THAT'S HIS ASSHOLE.

SEE, HE AIN'T USED TO THEM QUICK STOPS."

HEY, GRANDDAD.

HEY, GRANDDAD, I GOT 50 CENTS IN THAT JUKEBOX,

AND ALL I CAN HEAR IS YOUR MOUTH FLAPPING.

WHAT'D YOU SAY, SON? I'M A MITE DEAF.

I SAID I'VE GOT 50 CENTS IN THAT JUKEBOX,

AND ALL I CAN HEAR IS YOUR MOUTH FLAPPING!

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

NOW WE FIGURE YOU OWE US 50 CENTS.

YOU GUYS FROM OUT OF TOWN?

HOUSTON.

OH, YEAHWHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

CONVENTION.

CONVENTION? WHAT KIND OF CONVENTION?

A CONVENTION OF ASSHOLES?

A SWAT CONVENTION.

A SWAT CONVENTION.

SWAT TEAM?

THEY GOING TO SWAT FLIES?

YOU KNOW HOW TO SAVE A POLICEMAN FROM DROWNING?

NO. GOOD.

WHAT ABOUT MY 50 CENTS, PARTNER?

STANLEY.

CAN I BORROW YOUR HARD HAT?

SURE.

I'LL GET YOU YOUR 50 CENTS.

EXCUSE ME.

THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR THE GOLDEN HELMET.

IF YOU WANTED TO MAKE SOMEBODY

LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE, BOY, YOU SURE DID.

THAT WAS YOU.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8...

9, 10, 11, 12.

6 AGAINST 12.

7.

7 AGAINST 12.

WELL...

LOOKS LIKE IT'S A LITTLE UNEVEN.

YOU GUYS WILL HAVE TO GO BACK TO HOUSTON

AND GET SOME MORE GUYS.

WE MAY BE IN TROUBLE.

WE ARE DEFINITELY IN TROUBLE.

HOLY SHIT!

A FIGHT!

WHAT'S THAT?

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

GIVE ME A HAND WILL YOU?

CUTE. REALLY CUTE.

HOW RUDE!

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

LOOK OUT THERE!

HEY, WE'RE GETTIN' A LITTLE OLD FOR THIS KIND OF SHIT, AIN'T WE?

THAT'S RIGHT.

LET'S GO GET SOME SEXY...

LISTEN, FUDGE NUTS,

YOU AIN'T EVER GONNA LEARN, ARE YOU, DUMMY?

WILLARD! JEFFREY!

GET THIS SON OF A BITCH!

IT'S A BIRD!

IT'S A PLANE!

IT'S SUPER HOOPER!

OH, WELL.

ANOTHER NIGHT, NO PROFITS.

MULE, GET OUT THERE AND STOP THAT.

YES, MA'AM.

GET 'EM, MULE.

WAIT, WAIT! I THINK HE'S GOUGING ME!

BOUNCERS! THROW 'EM OUT!

OH, SHIT!

GOD DANG! IS THAT FUN!

LET'S GO!

LET'S GO BACK IN THERE.

ARE YOU CRAZY?

LET'S JUST STAY HERE AND TALK ABOUT IT.

I CAN'T LET THEM DO THAT TO ME.

ARE YOU CRAZY?

NO! COME ON!

COME ON.

YOU WERE REALLY GRACEFUL IN THERE TONIGHT, KID.

WHERE'D YOU LEARN TO FIGHT LIKE THAT?

I WAS ON THE OLYMPIC BOXING TEAM.

I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO THROW A MAN OUTTA HERE!

I'VE BEEN GETTING THROWN OUT OF HERE SINCE...

BEFORE YOU WERE GOD DAMN BORN!

ALL RIGHT!

ALL RIGHT!

MAN, THESE FIGHTS AIN'T WORTH A SHIT ANYMORE.

KID, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

DELMORE...

SHIDSKI.

WHAT'S THAT LAST NAME AGAIN?

SHIDSKI.

HOW DO YOU SPELL THAT?

COMING DOWN!

HUHS-H-I-D...

...S-K-I.

WE'LL JUST CALL HIM "SKI."

HEY, THE NIGHT'S TOO QUIET,

AND IT'S TOO YOUNG TO QUIT!

AND IT'S...

AND IT'S TOO DAMN MEAN IN THERE.

LET'S GO SOMEPLACE ELSE.

LET'S GO GET SOME LOVIN'.

THANKS A LOT, TIM.

CATCH YOU NEXT TIME.

RIGHT.

SHIT, THAT WASN'T ANY KIND OF A FIGHT.

LET'S GO ON UP TO THE RANCH AND SHOW HIM YOUR STUNT REEL.

YOU GOT A STUNT REEL?

HEY, PRETTY!

HEY, YOU REALLY GOT A STUNT REEL?

YEAH, WANNA SEE IT?

I WOULD.

TONIGHT?

WAIT! WAIT!

HEY, FELLAS!

I WANNA SEE IT.

WAIT A MINUTE!

IT'S 1:30 IN THE MORNING!

YEAH, YOU WHIP UP SOME EGGS FOR THE GUYS,

AND WE'LL HAVE A LITTLE PARTY.

EGGS? WE JUST ATE.

OR WE'LL JUST DRINK.

AH, WHAT THE HELL. PARTY AT MY HOUSE!

IT ALWAYS LEAVES THEM SPEECHLESS.

AH, IT WAS GREAT, SONNY.

THANK YOU.

LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE DONE

JUST ABOUT EVERY GAG THERE EVER WAS TO DO.

WELL...

ME AND JOCKO...

YEAH!

BELIEVE I WILL.

ME AND JOCKO, WE...

WE NEVER TURNED DOWN A STUNT.

NEVER TURNED DOWN A GAG.

I HAD IT IN MY WILL ONCE,

YOU KNOW, WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA, UH...

DIE.

I'D HAVE...YEAH... HAVE SOMETHING TO LEAVE

AND I PUT IT IN THE WILL.

I SAID...I WANTED IT ON THE CEMENT.

ON THE THING, ON THE ROCK.

TOMBSTONE. TOMBSTONE!

"JOCKO DOYLE NEVER TURNED DOWN A GAG."

SEE?

PERFECT.

IT WOULD'VE BEEN A HELL OF AN IDEA.

PERFECT. PERFECT.

PERFECT.

AND...

OF COURSE I TURNED DOWN...

WHAT I DID TURN DOWN WAS EVERYTHING ELSE,

BUT, UH, SHIT.

GOTTA KEEP THE GOOD TIMES A-ROLLIN'.

YEAH.

IS THAT WHY YOU DID IT ALL...

'CAUSE OF THE GOOD TIMES?

WELL, YOU DON'T WANNA KNOCK GOOD TIMES, KID.

I MEAN, WHEN I GET SO DAMN OLD

I'M JUST SITTING IN A ROCKING CHAIR ON A PORCH,

I'M GONNA HAVE SOME NICE MEMORIES.

I TELL YOU,

WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS THERE?

I DON'T KNOW. JUST TO...

MAYBE PROVE CERTAIN THINGS CAN BE DONE

OR THAT A MAN CAN DO JUST ABOUT ANYTHING

HE PUTS HIS MIND TO.

THAT IS TOO DEEP FOR ME.

SUN!

SUN'S COME UP!

IT'S DAYLIGHT!

YES.

YOU OUGHTA DRINK MORE.

NOTHIN' HURTS WHEN YOU'RE NUMB.

WHERE'S THE KID?

HE'S STANDING IN THERE...

STARING AVARICIOUSLY INTO YOUR TROPHY CASE...

LITTLE TRICKLES OF SLOBBER

RUNNING DOWN HERE.

NOT SO GODDAMN FUNNY.

YOU KNOW, YOU WEREN'T A HELL OF LOT DIFFERENT

A FEW YEARS AGO.

20 YEARS AGO.

20 YEARS AGO.

YOU...YOUR LITTLE EYES

WAS SPINNING AROUND AND BEADY,

LOOKING FOR FAME AND FORTUNE.

SHIT.

AND I KNOW DAMN WELL, TOO,

'CAUSE I WAS SITTING THERE MAKING $20,000 A YEAR,

THE TOP DOG AROUND THIS PLACE,

AND EVERY TIME I LOOKED OVER MY SHOULDER,

THERE YOU ARE JUMPING UP AND DOWN

FIGURING OUT SOME WAY

YOU CAN TOP WHATEVER GAG I DID.

WELL...

WELL...

WELL, YOU GONNA MARRY MY DAUGHTER?

OHH, GOD DAMN, JOCKO.

I WAS MARRIED ONCE. YOU KNOW THAT.

IT WAS A DISASTER.

I...

I FELT LIKE A FAILURE, YOU KNOW?

I'M SCARED TO DEATH OF MARRIAGE.

'SIDES THAT,

NOBODY'S GETTING MARRIED TODAY ANYWAY.

WHO AIN'T GETTING MARRIED?

NOBODY'S GETTING MARRIED!

WHAT THE HELL YOU MEAN NOBODY'S GETTING MARRIED?

NAME ME SOMEBODY THAT AIN'T GETTING MARRIED.

NAME ME 2 PEOPLE THAT AIN'T GETTING MARRIED.

EVERYBODY'S...PEOPLE GET...

FAGGOTS ARE GETTING MARRIED, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!

WHAT THE HELL YOU MEAN NOBODY'S GETTING MARRIED?

I LOVE HER, JOCKO...

BUT I GOTTA DO THINGS IN MY OWN TIME.

YOU'RE A HORNY SON OF A BITCH, YOU.

I GOTTA DO THINGS IN MY OWN TIME

AND MY OWN WAY.

YEAH, WELL, THAT'S WHAT I DONE, SEE?

IN MY TIME, MY WAY.

I WASN'T EVEN HOME WHEN SHE WAS BORN.

LISTEN, YOU...

DIDN'T YOU EVER WANT THAT?

DIDN'T YOU EVER...

HAVEN'T YOU EVER BEEN WITH WOMEN

YOU WANNA HAVE A BABY WITH?

YOU KNOW, HAV...HAVE THAT...

THAT FEELING?

ALL THE TIME, JOCKO.

ALL THE TIME.

NOW, LISTEN, ROGER, WE GOTTA HAVE A TALK.

THE STUDIO'S BUGGING ME ABOUT THE BUDGET.

THE SCHEDULE'S...

LATER, MAX. REALLY.

I'VE GOTTA GET THIS FIRST SHOT.

TONY, LET'S SET UP THIS FIRST ONE, OK?

LISTEN, ROGER...

MEDIC!

OH, THANK YOU, MY LOVE.

THANK YOU, ARCHIE.

GOOD MORNING, MR. BERNS.

WHY THAT PUNK?

WHO?

WHOROGER.

IF HIS LAST PICTURE HADN'T GROSSED $100 MILLION,

I'D KICK HIM RIGHT IN THE ASS.

WELL, DO IT, MAX.

WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR MONTHS.

BOY, YOU GUYS LOOK LIKE GARBAGE.

YOU SHOULD SEE THROUGH MY EYES.

IT'S METROCOLOR.

YEAH, WELL, I JUST GOT A LITTLE HEADACHE.

YOU THINK WE'RE BAD, YOU SHOULD SEE THE...

DON'T YELL IN MY EAR!

JESUS CHRIST.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

LOOK AT THIS. LOOK WHAT'S COMING.

STOP THAT THING! SHOOT IT! KILL IT!

WANT SOME BREAKFAST?

OH, GOD.

GET THAT CIRCUMCISED, WILL YOU?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

REPORTING FOR WORK.

WHAT?

REPORTING FOR WORK.

TO WORK?

YEAH. REMEMBER LAST NIGHT, YOU TOLD ME TO COME TO WORK?

DID I DO THAT?

I DON'T REMEMBER THAT.

WELL, YOU WERE PRETTY BOMBED.

WANT ME TO LEAVE?

NO. I DON'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE.

WE'LL FIND YOU SOME WORK.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY'S READY NOW.

ROLL THE CAMERAS.

CAMERAS READY.

SPEED. MARKING ABLE.

AND BAKER.

ALL RIGHT. BACKGROUND! ACTION!

CUT IT! CUT IT!

OK?

DIDN'T DO A THING FOR ME, HOOPER.

MISSED BY A MILE.

BORING, BORING, BORING.

I'M NOT A MIND READER.

IF YOU'D TELL ME WHAT THE HELL YOU WANT,

I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU.

LOOK, YOU'RE THE STUNT GAFFER,

SO GAFF.

I'VE GOT AN IDEA.

IT'D TAKE SOME TIME, THOUGH.

WHO ARE YOU?

HE'S A NEW MAN. SKI. HE'S A GOOD MAN.

ANYTHING WILL BE BETTER THAN WHAT I JUST SAW.

SO LET'S TRY ONE.

THANKS TO THE KID HERE, THE POLLACK HERE,

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO SIT AROUND ALL DAY

WAITING FOR NIGHT TO SHOOT.

GIVES ME TIME TO GET OVER MY HANGOVER.

GUYS, UH, IT'S ROGER'S BIRTHDAY.

NO, NO, NO.

I THOUGHT WE COULD ALL MAYBE PITCH IN

AND THINK OF SOMETHING TO GIVE HIM.

HOW ABOUT VD?

OH, I GOT AN IDEA.

I KNOW SOMETHING THAT WOULD BE PERFECT.

EVERYBODY COUGH UP A LITTLE MONEY.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ROGER

YOU KNOW, I...

BROUGHT SOMETHING YOU NEED, ROGER.

WELL, WHAT MORE CAN I SAY,

BUT I'M VERY, VERY TOUCHED,

AND THANK YOU?

THIS FIRE SCENE IS VERY DANGEROUS

WE WANT EVERYBODY ON THEIR TOES.

WE DON'T WANT ANYBODY HURT.

OK, ACTION!

REMEMBER,

THAT'S GASOLINE IN THERE, SONNY.

RIGHT.

BE CAREFUL.

BLESS YOUR COCK.

HELLO, GORGEOUS.

SONNY, WILL YOU GET ME OUT OF HERE?

YOU BET YOUR SWEET BIPPY.

WILL YOU GET SERIOUS?

NO TIME FOR THAT.

ARE THEY OK?

I CAN'T SEE THROUGH THE FLAMES.

CUT IT, CUT IT!

ALL RIGHT, WHAT,

ARE YOU GUYS WAITING FOR AN INVITATION

TO PUT THAT FIRE OUT?

L.A.'S GOT ENOUGH SMOG!

YOU KNOW, SONNY,

I LOVE STUNTMEN.

GET THAT FIRE OUT!

I WANT EVERYBODY TO STAY BACK HERE...

DON'T GET...DON'T GET NEAR THOSE FLAMES!

TONY, GET HOOPER OVER HERE FOR ME,

WILL YOU?

UH, HOOPER,

THAT BIT AT THE COMPLEX TOMORROW,

WHO'S SET FOR IT?

BOBBY BASS.

WOULD YOU MIND IF SKI DID IT INSTEAD?

YES, I WOULD MIND, ROGER.

I'M THE STUNT COORDINATOR ON THIS PICTURE,

AND I SAY WHO DOES THE STUNTS

AND WHO DOESN'T DO THE STUNTS,

AND I'D LIKE BOBBY BASS.

WELL, I DON'T WANT TO INFRINGE ON YOUR AUTHORITY,

BUT I...I REALLY WOULD LIKE SKI TO DO THAT GAG...

OK?

6-3, LOUIE.

OK, EVERYBODY, WE'RE READY TO MAKE ONE.

ROLL THE CAMERAS.

SPEED. "A" CAMERA.

BAKER!

ACTION!

CUT IT!

CUT IT!

BRING THE STUNTMAN ON HERE, PLEASE.

GREAT, KEN.

GO DOWNSTAIRS. RELAX. WONDERFUL.

HEY, GOOD LUCK, SKI.

ALL RIGHT, YOU GOTTA MAKE HIM LOOK GOOD, OK?

ALL THE PREPARATION YOU NEED.

WE'LL GO DOWN AND SET UP THE CAMERAS.

YOU GOT IT.

ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE,

WE'RE IN THE WRONG PLACE.

NOW MOVE IT ALL DOWNSTAIRS.

LET'S GO! LET'S MOVE IT!

YOU READY, SKI?

HE'LL BE READY IN A SECOND.

TONY, HE'S READY!

ROLL THE CAMERAS.

"A" CAMERA MARKER.

COME ON, GOOD BUDDY.

NOT TOO SHABBY.

WHY, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

HELL, WE PROBABLY COULD'VE DONE THAT

WHEN WE WERE HIS AGE,

'CEPT THEY DIDN'T HAVE BUILDINGS THAT TALL.

CUT IT! CUT IT!

WELL DONE, KID.

YOU HAVE TO ADMIT, HE'S PRETTY DAMN GOOD.

YEP. I HAVE TO ADMIT IT.

PRETTY DAMN YOUNG, TOO.

YEAH. I HATE HIM.

I JUST HATE HIM.

HANDSOME LITTLE SHIT.

WELL?

I THOUGHT IT WAS A LITTLE SLOW.

IF YOU DON'T MIND, UH...

I'D LIKE TO HAVE ANOTHER ONE, OK?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

YEAH, I'M KIDDING.

COME AROUND TOMORROW.

I'LL SHOW YOU HOW AN OLD MAN DOES IT.

HERE YOU GO, SONNY.

THANKS, DON.

WE'RE ALL READY, HOOPER.

A LITTLE AIR IN THE AIRBAG WOULD HELP, NUMB-NUTS.

GET THAT FILLED UP!

SONNY!

ARE YOU CRAZY?

WHAT?

I JUST TALKED TO THAT HELICOPTER PILOT.

SO?

WELL, HOW HIGH YOU GONNA DROP?

WHAT'S THE WORLD'S RECORD?

223.

I'LL GO 224.

ROLL THE CAMERAS!

ACTION!

PULL ME IN, JEFFREY! PULL ME IN!

I HOPE NOTHING HAPPENS TO THIS DINNER JACKET.

MAN, I WANNA KEEP THIS SON OF A BITCH.

YOU LOOK LIKE A HEAD WAITER.

I AM.

GERONIMO!

GOT ANOTHER WORLD RECORD FOR YOUR BOOKS, BUDDY.

HOW 'BOUT A CAN OF COORS?

ANOTHER RECORD.

SONNY, YOU CAN JUMP ON MY MATTRESS ANY TIME.

FANTASTIC.

DID GREAT, SONNY.

THAT WAS TERRIFIC.

HOOPER, IT WAS NICE,

AND YOU'RE THROUGH FOR THE DAY.

I'M PROUD OF YOU.

I'LL BET THAT AIRBAG DIDN'T...I'LL BET IT...

LISTEN, WITHOUT CAUSING ANY COMMOTION, I...

I WANNA GO SEE THE DOCTOR.

ABOVE, THE SAME THING. ANOTHER TROPISM.

LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT A CORONAL FACING HERE,

AND ANOTHER SAGITTAL FACING HERE.

SO YOU'VE GOT 2 AREAS OF INSTABILITY

WITHIN JUST THE SPACE OF 2 OR 3 LUMBAR VERTEBRAE.

NOW, OVER HERE, AS YOU CAN SEE,

THIS IS THE ARTICULATING FACETS.

THIS IS A CORONAL FACING HERE, AS YOU CAN SEE,

AND THIS IS A SAGITTAL FACING OVER HERE.

THIS GIVES A VERY UNSTABLE LOW-BACK CONDITION.

HOW'S MY COCKUS ERECTUS?

IF YOU'LL JUST HOLD ON TO IT FOR A MINUTE, I'LL FINISH.

FINE.

ALL OF THESE CONDITIONS

MAKE IT LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE A PRE-OSTEOPOROTIC CONDITION.

FRANKLY, SONNY,

IT DOESN'T LOOK TOO PROMISING.

HELL, I THOUGHT I HAD A PROBLEM

TILL I CAME IN HERE AND YOU EXPLAINED IT TO ME.

NOW I'M NOT WORRIED ANYMORE.

CHRIST. I WAS REALLY PROUD OF THAT OPERATION.

THE AVERAGE PERSON,

IT WOULD HAVE LASTED THEM FOR A LIFETIME.

BUT NOT WITH YOU.

WHY DO YOU KEEP SCREWING UP ALL MY GOOD WORK?

YOU SHOULD BE PAYING ME.

HALF OF WHAT YOU KNOW

YOU LEARNED FROM WIRING ME TOGETHER.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT, SONNY, SOME KIND OF A DEATH WISH?

OH, LOOK WHO'S TALKING.

THESE THINGS ARE NAILS IN YOUR COFFIN.

JESUS.

I'M CUTTING WAY DOWN.

I HOPE SO.

LOOK, SONNY, I'M SERIOUS.

GOOD.

YOU CAN'T KEEP BASHING THE BEJESUS

OUT OF YOUR BACKBONE

AND EXPECT TO WALK AROUND LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING.

LISTEN, I CAN HANDLE IT.

I'M A TOUGH GUY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

GIVE IT TO ME, SWEETHEART.

DON'T PULL ANY PUNCHES.

THE KID CAN TAKE IT.

WELL, THE KID COULD TAKE IT,

ONLY YOU'RE NOT A KID ANY LONGER.

HA. SONNY, I'M GONNA LEVEL WITH YOU.

ONE GOOD IMPACT HERE...

YOU UNDERSTAND? YOU'RE GONNA BE PARALYZED...

FROM THE NECK DOWN, NOTHING MOVES.

NOTHING?

YEAH, EVEN YOUR DING-DONG.

DING-DONG.

LOOK, SONNY, I'M NOT SAYING IT'LL HAPPEN,

BUT YOU COULD DIE.

WELL, MY DING-DONG AIN'T GONNA WORK,

I DON'T WANNA LIVE.

ALL RIGHT. THE ODDS ARE AGAINST YOU.

IF YOU WERE A HORSE,

I'D SHOOT YOU.

I BET A BIG 5.

EL FOLDO.

AN EL FOLDO.

THE STAR EL FOLDOS.

EL FOLDO.

WELL, I'LL SEE IT. HERE COME THE BIGGIES.

SCREW THE BIGGIES.

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT.

YOU CAN'T USE THAT THING. WHAT IS THAT?

IT'S MY POCKET COMPUTER.

WELL, YOU CAN'T USE THE VERKHAKHTE COMPUTER.

SHOW ME WHERE IT SAYS I CAN'T,

AND I'LL PUT IT UP.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEE YOUR 5,

AND I'LL RAISE YOU 5.

I'LL JUST USE

MY MANUALLY OPERATED POKER SENSE

AGAINST YOUR MECHANICAL WIZARDRY,

AND I'LL BUMP YOU A QUARTER.

HIGH ROLLER?

LOOK AT THAT, GANG.

WHO IS THAT GUY?

THAT'S THE WRITER.

WELL, HE LOOKS A LITTLE MIFFED.

YOU THINK ROGER DIDN'T LIKE HIS SCRIPT?

I THINK SO.

WHAT DO YOU GOT?

I GOT A PAIR OF 4s.

PAIR OF 7s.

PAIR OF 7s.

3 ACES.

IT WAS A CALCULATED RISK.

SO WAS THE EDSEL.

YOU LIKE TO SIT IN FOR A HAND, MR. BERNS?

THANKS, CULLY, BUT I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.

WELL, YOU CHARACTERS, YOU DID IT THIS TIME.

HOW'S THAT?

ROGER.

YOU GOT HIM SO EXCITED, HE'S REWRITING THE SCRIPT...

PUTTING A WHOLE BUNCH OF NEW GAGS IN FOR YOU.

WHAT, DOES HE WANT US TO BLOW UP L.A.?

IT'S NO JOKE, SONNY.

THE WRITER WAS A LITTLE UPSET, AS YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED.

I FOUGHT IT.

AND THE STUDIO IS BACKING HIM ALL THE WAY.

THEY SAY IT'S HIS BALL GAME.

SO TOMORROW MORNING AT 8:00,

ON STAGE 6,

HE'S HAVING A MEETING WITH YOU FELLAS

AND HE'S GONNA SHOW YOU A GREAT IDEA FOR A NEW ENDING.

BIGGEST EARTHQUAKE EVER.

YOU GUYS ARE TRYING TO DRIVE TO SAFETY.

THE FIRST THING WE DO IS COLLAPSE THIS BUILDING

INTO A GIANT CREVICE.

Giant crevice.

NOW, YOU'RE DRIVING THROUGH EXPLOSIONS,

BODIES FLYING EVERYWHERE, FIRE AND...

YOU'RE JUST ABOUT TO REACH SAFETY

WHEN BAM... WE BLOW THE BRIDGE.

THEN YOU FELLAS WILL HAVE TO RAPPEL DOWN

INTO THE GORGE...

THERE'LL BE A LOT OF FIRE AND SMOKE AND EXPLOSIONS...

UP THE OTHER SIDE TO SAFETY.

ALL IN ONE SHOT?

ALL IN ONE SHOT.

FLAMES, EXPLOSIONS, DEATH.

EVERYTHING.

AND YOU GUYS LEAPING OUT OF IT TO TRIUMPH.

ISN'T IT A GREAT IDEA?

IT'S A GREAT IDEA, ROGER.

I CAN'T IMAGINE ANYTHING BETTER.

WHY NOT JUMP A CAR OVER THE GORGE?

SKI, WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE JOKES?

NO, NO, NO. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SKI?

YOU'D HAVE THE BIGGEST, BEST CAR STUNT EVER DONE.

WHAT KIND OF CAR COULD LEAP A GORGE THAT WIDE?

A ROCKET CAR COULD MAKE IT.

WELL, I DON'T LIKE IT.

IF YOU DON'T MAKE IT, DO WE WRITE YOU OFF?

CLIFF...

OH, THEY COULD MAKE IT, COULDN'T THEY?

SURE THEY COULD MAKE IT!

CLIFF...

WHAT'S THE LONGEST JUMP A ROCKET CAR'S EVER MADE?

BUDDY JOE TOOK ONE 187 FEET ONCE.

HOW FAR IS THIS?

325 FEET.

COULD YOU BEEF UP THE SUSPENSION,

BUILD A CAGE STRONG ENOUGH

TO PROTECT SKI AND I WHEN WE LANDED ON THE OTHER SIDE?

I COULD BUILD A CAR LIKE THAT,

BUT I CAN'T TELL HOW IT WOULD LAND.

THAT'S 325 FEET, SONNY.

I KNOW HOW FAR IT IS, CLIFF.

HELL, IT'D BE A NEW WORLD'S RECORD.

WOULDN'T DO MY REPUTATION ANY HARM.

SONNY, THINK OF THE RISK.

FORGET ABOUT THE RISK, MAX.

JUST BRING YOUR CHECKBOOK.

HOOPER...

WHAT'S YOUR FEE FOR A GAG LIKE THAT?

$100,000.

$50,000 FOR SKI,

$50,000 FOR ME.

IT'S THE WORLD'S BIGGEST STUNT.

IT OUGHTA HAVE

THE WORLD'S BIGGEST PAYCHECK.

WELL, LOOK, WILL YOU BOYS WAIT OVER THERE A MINUTE?

I WANT TO DISCUSS THIS WITH ROGER.

OF COURSE. OF COURSE.

WE CAN DO IT, CLIFF.

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS BUILD A STRONG CAGE

SO WHEN WE LAND ON THE OTHER SIDE...

ROGER...

YOU KNOW HOW MUCH OVER THE BUDGET WE ARE.

I WANT IT, MAX.

IT'S RIGHT, AND I WANT IT.

IT'S A STUNT THAT'S NEVER BEEN DONE.

WHAT IF THEY DON'T MAKE IT, ROGER?

YOU GOING TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR IT?

I DON'T CARE. I WANT IT.

IT'S THE ENDING I WANT.

IT'S THE STATEMENT I WANNA MAKE.

CUT SOMETHING ELSE IF YOU HAVE TO.

I WANT THAT STUNT.

ALL RIGHT, ROGER.

I'LL TALK TO SONNY,

SEE IF I CAN'T GET HIS PRICE DOWN.

NO OFFENSE, MAX, BUT, UH, I DON'T THINK YOU COULD.

HOOPER KNOWS YOU TOO WELL.

TONY WILL GET HIM DOWN.

WON'T YOU, TONY?

IT'LL BE A PLEASURE.

I DROVE THIS SUCKER THE OTHER DAY

AND IT HAULS ASS.

WHAT'D YOU DO TO IT?

PUT A 428 POLICE INTERCEPTOR IN IT,

BALANCED AND BLUEPRINTED.

IT'S PLENTY HOT.

IF IT'S THAT HOT, I COULD USE IT FRIDAY NIGHT.

OK, LISTEN UP.

LEADHEADS!

ANY OF YOU GUYS SEEN HOOPER?

DOWN HERE, SHORT LEGS.

HOOPER.

CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

STEP INTO MY OFFICE.

LOOK, THAT GAG YOU GUYS CAME UP WITH THIS MORNING...

100 THOU IS WAY OUT OF LINE.

WELL, THAT'S MY PRICE. IT'S NOT NEGOTIABLE.

HEH. EVERYTHING IS NEGOTIABLE, HOOPER.

I KNOW YOU'RE MAKING BIG NOISES

JUST TO JACK UP YOUR FEE.

NOW HERE IT IS:

20 GRAND FOR THE JUMP.

'CAUSE WHEN YOU GET RIGHT DOWN TO IT,

THAT'S ALL THIS IS...

JUST ANOTHER CAR JUMP.

REALLY?

BETTER FASTEN YOUR SEAT BELT.

HOOPER, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

I'M JUST THINKING OVER YOUR OFFER.

I THINK BETTER WHEN I'M DRIVING.

HOOPER, DON'T GET EXCITED. MAYBE WE CAN COMPROMISE.

I NEVER COMPROMISE.

LIFE IS TOO SHORT.

AND SO ARE YOU.

M-MAYBE WE GOT OFF ON THE WRONG FOOT, HOOPER.

I DON'T THINK SO.

OH, JESUS!

IT'S JUST ANOTHER CAR JUMP.

DID YOU ENJOY THAT?

NO. NO.

HEY, SONNY!

HI, J.N.!

AH, I LOVE WESTERNS.

LOOK OUT! HERE COMES THE WILD MAN!

PRICE IS 100 GRAND.

100 GRAND WILL BE JUST FINE.

YOU OK, HOOP?

OH, YEAH. JUST COULDN'T BE BETTER.

SHORTY HERE

MIGHT GET A LITTLE SICK IN A SECOND.

HE HAD A STROKE.

A STROKE?

YEAH.

HE SAYS HE FELL DOWN IN THE SHOWER,

BROKE HIS KNEE.

DUMB JERK.

EVEN WHEN THEY TELL HIM IT'S A STROKE,

HE WON'T ACCEPT IT.

COME ON.

HOW IS HE NOW?

I DON'T KNOW.

THEY SHOT HIM FULL OF DEMEROL.

STUPID OLD BASTARD.

HE'S SO DAMN STUBBORN.

JOCKO?

JESUS CHRIST.

HEY.

HEY, AIN'T THIS A BITCH?

WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL...

AFTER 35 YEARS OF FALLING OFF HORSES

AND AIRPLANES

AND EVERY GOD DAMN THING ELSE,

I GOTTA GO AND DO A BRODY

IN MY OWN TOILET.

YOU'RE GONNA BE ALL RIGHT, JOCKO.

SHIT.

YOU KNOW WHAT A PRIEST TOLD ME ONE TIME?

NO. WHAT?

THIS PRIEST SAYS TO ME, "SON...

YOUR BODY IS A TEMPLE."

HELL OF A GOD DAMN WAY TO TREAT A TEMPLE, AIN'T IT?

HORSES STEPPIN' ALL OVER IT,

AND STAGECOACHES DRAGGIN' IT ALL THROUGH ROCKS AND CACTUS

AND ALL KINDS OF SHIT.

AND THEN I...

THEN I SPENT THE REST OF MY TIME,

LAYING AROUND,

WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO HEAL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,

DON'T YOU?

YEAH.

WELL...

WHAT FOR?

CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT FOR?

WELL, I...I THINK, JOCKO...

I DON'T WANNA HEAR ALL THAT NOW, SONNY.

GOD DAMN.

YOU'RE A TALKATIVE SON OF A BITCH.

TEMPLE'S ALL BUSTED TO SHIT,

AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS KEEP ON TALKING.

THE DOCTOR SAY ANYTHING TO YOU?

YEAH.

THEY SAID THEY DON'T KNOW

IF HE'LL BE ABLE TO WALK AGAIN.

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, GWENIE.

I'M QUITTING AFTER THIS PICTURE.

I'M NOT DOING ANY MORE STUNTS.

I'M GONNA HANG IT UP.

I LOVE YOU.

I'M GONNA MAKE SO MUCH MONEY ON THIS JOB ANYWAY, I CAN...

PAY OFF THE RANCH...

STOCK IT.

WE'LL BE IN HIGH COTTON.

I LOVE YOU.

WHAT'D YOU SAY?

I SAID I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

OH, BUENOS NOCHES.

BETTER SAVE SOME OF THAT TEQUILA FOR BREAKFAST.

OH, YEAH. THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

COME ON IN.

WHERE IN THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

I'VE BEEN WAITING.

WE WERE AT THE HOSPITAL, CULLY.

DAD HAD A STROKE.

A STROKE?

HE...REALLY?

WELL, IS HE ALL RIGHT?

HE'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

WELL, I...I'M SORRY, GWEN.

I'M REAL SORRY.

GOD, CULLY, YOU LOOK PERFECTLY AWFUL.

OH, I AM.

I'LL MAKE YOU SOME SUPPER.

NO, WAIT, WAIT! NO. NOTHING TO EAT.

I GOT FIRED...

SO I CAME BY TO SAY GOOD-BYE.

FIREDWHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WELL, YOU SEE, THEY WERE OVER BUDGET,

AND THEY WANTED TO GET RID

OF SOME OF THE DEAD WOOD,

AND MY WOOD'S DEAD.

WHO FIRED YOUMAX?

I DON'T REALLY KNOW.

UH, BUT I GOT THE WORD

FROM THAT LITTLE POPGUN...

UH, POPCORN-FART TONY.

OH, NO, NO.

SHUT UP.

NOBODY CAN HIRE AND FIRE ANYBODY ON THIS...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I TOLD THEM IF THEY FIRED YOU,

THEY'D HAVE TO FIRE ME.

OH, DID YOU TELL THEM THAT?

YES, I TOLD THEM THAT.

WELL, I APPRECIATE THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU RASCAL?

THAT'S WHY I LOVE YOU!

WE DO THINGS FOR EACH OTHER.

I'M GONNA DO SOMETHING FOR YOU RIGHT NOW.

GIVE YOU SOME GOOD ADVICE.

GET OFF THE DAMN PICTURE BEFORE YOU GET HURT.

HE TOLD ME THIS IS HIS LAST PICTURE.

AFTER THIS, NO MORE.

OH, SURE...

IF THERE'S ANYTHING LEFT OF HIM AFTER THIS PICTURE.

CULLY.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

OH, YOU DIDN'T TELL HER, DID YOU?

NO, I DIDN'T TELL HER.

HE DIDN'T TELL YOU? SHA...NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY.

HE DIDN'T TELL YOU

ABOUT THE BIG BAD ROCKET CAR STUNT?

WILL YOU STOP IT?

NO. WHAT STUNT?

OH, WELL, I'M GONNA LET HIM FILL IN THE DETAILS.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS?

JUST DRINK THE TEQUILA.

I DO WANNA TELL YOU ONE THING

WHILE I'M STILL DRUNK ON YOUR TEQUILA.

I WENT TO SEE HIS DOCTOR.

OH, SHIT!

NO, I WENT TO SEE HIS DOCTOR,

ASKED HIM WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TO HIM

WHEN THEY...WHEN HE LANDS IN THAT ROCKET CAR

OVER THERE ACROSS THE GORGE...

HOW HARD IT'S GONNA HIT.

SONNY, WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT?

HE'S TALKING ABOUT $50,000

OVER AND ABOVE WHAT I'M GONNA MAKE ON THIS PICTURE.

OH, IT'S JUST...

BESIDES, I CAN'T LET THAT KID DO THE STUNT ALONE.

THE KIDWHAT IS THIS?

YOU'VE GOT SKI IN THIS CRAZY THING NOW?

NO, GWENIE. IT'S THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

THE KID'S GOT HIM.

WILL YOU BUTT OUT!

I TOLD YOU THAT KID WAS GONNA GET YOU KILLED.

SONNY, YOU TOLD ME

YOU WERE QUITTING AFTER THIS PICTURE

SO YOU COULD TRADE IT OFF AGAINST DOING THIS STUNT,

ISN'T THAT TRUE?

I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING. YOU'RE CRAZY, YOU KNOW?

I DON'T WANNA HEAR YOU... GET YOUR HANDS OFF!

DUM-DUM JACKASS!

YOU SHUT YOUR DRUNKEN MOUTH!

DON'T. YOU'RE MESSING UP MY WARDROBE.

SONNY!

172 MOTION PICTURE FIGHTS,

THAT'S THE FIRST TIME HE EVER HIT ME.

THAT SON OF A BITCH CAN HIT.

CULLY, I'M SO SORRY.

OH, HE DIDN'T MEAN IT.

IF HE'D HAVE MEANT IT, HE'D HAVE HIT A LOT HARDER.

HE'S HURTIN', GWENIE.

HE'S GOT A LOT OF THINGS ON HIS MIND.

OH, CULLY.

SONNY?

SONNY, WILL YOU GO HOME NOW?

WHY?

PLEASE?

SONNY...

I'M SORRY.

SONNY, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE?

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING, DEBBIE.

THIS IS A BIG TOWN, ISN'T IT?

LOS ANGELES IS A BIG TOWN.

YEAH.

WELL, WHY THE HELL DOES THIS BAR CLOSE

BEFORE THE BARS IN TULSA?

CAN YOU ANSWER ME THAT?

I DON'T KNOW, SONNY.

HEY, LET'S GO SOMEWHERE AND HAVE SOME BREAKFAST.

YOU WANNA?

I CAN'T DO THAT.

LET'S GO SOMEWHERE AND HAVE SOME LUNCH.

I CAN'T DO THAT, EITHER.

WELL, LET'S GO SOMEWHERE AND JUMP EACH OTHER'S BONES.

THAT IS TEMPTING.

YEAH. IS IT?

BUT YOU KNOW WHY I CAN'T DO IT?

WHY?

BECAUSE MY HUSBAND IS SO JEALOUS

AND SO NEAR.

AND SO BIG.

SONNY...

HEY...WHEN YOU GET SO DRUNK

YOU MAKE A PASS AT DEBBIE IN MY PRESENCE,

IT'S TIME FOR ME TO CALL YOU A CAB.

YEAH. DON'T CALL ME A CAB. I AM A CAB.

YOU DON'T NEED TO CALL ME A CAB.

I'M PERFECTLY ABLE TO TAKE A...WALK

OR RIDE OR FLY OR WHATEVER.

ANYTHING YOU WANT ME TO DO, I CAN DO.

I'M JUST...I'M TERRIFICALLY COORDINATED.

SO...BYE-BYE AND SO LONG.

HE'S A PLAYER

A FOOL

A HERO

A KING

THIS MAN

THEY CALL HOOPER

THAT FLIES ACROSS THE SCREEN

HE'S AN IDOL

FOR THE LOVERS

A SMILE

FOR THOSE WHO CRY

A FANTASY

FOR A MILLION LADIES

BUT HE SOMETIMES

WONDERS WHY

BUT HE'S A MAN

A STRONG BUT SIMPLE MAN

STANDING PROUD

AND WALKING TALL

WITH A LONGING

FOR LIVING

NEVER TAKING

JUST GIVING

HE'S A MAN THAT NO ONE REALLY

SEES AT ALL

YOU SAID YOU COULD DO IT.

I REWROTE THE SCRIPT BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU COULD DO IT.

WE REARRANGED THE SHOOTING SCHEDULE.

WE SPENT A DAMN FORTUNE PREPARING FOR THAT STUNT

BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU COULD DO IT.

I WAS WRONG, ROGER. I'M SORRY.

YOU WERE WRONG. HE WAS WRONG, MAX.

HE'S SORRY.

HE BLOWS A WHOLE GODDAMN MOVIE

AND HE SAYS, "GEE, I WAS WRONG. SORRY."

OK, OK, NEW BUSINESS.

SKI DOES IT WITH SOMEONE ELSE, THAT'S ALL.

WHY DON'T YOU FORGET IT, ROGER?

I NEVER LIKED THE DAMN GAG ANYHOW.

WHO ELSE CAN DO THE STUNT?

BUDDY JOE CAN DO IT.

HE'S NOT AVAILABLE. WHO ELSE?

NOBODY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN NOBODY?

I MEAN NOBODY!

IT'S A VERY COMPLICATED, VERY SPECIAL STUNT!

THERE'S MAYBE 3 GUYS IN THE COUNTRY THAT CAN DO IT

AND WE'RE NOT AVAILABLE.

SKI'LL DO IT SOLO WITH A DUMMY THEN.

GODDAMN, ROGER!

IF YOU KNEW WHAT THE HELL YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT,

YOU'D REALIZE IT TAKES 2 GUYS TO DO THE STUNT.

ONE GUY TO DRIVE THE CAR, ONE TO READ THE INSTRUMENTS.

AND I'M TELLING YOU THAT SKI ISN'T QUALIFIED!

MAX, DOES THIS MAN STILL HAVE A JOB ON THIS PICTURE?

SONNY WORKS HERE AS LONG AS I SAY SO!

OR AS LONG AS SONNY WANTS TO.

THANK YOU, MAX.

IF SONNY SAYS SKI CAN'T DO IT, I BELIEVE HIM.

IT'S ONLY A DAMN MOVIE ANYHOW, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

"ONLY A MOVIE"?

I WANT YOU TO CALL THE STUDIO BRASS.

I WANT YOU TO TELL THEM AND THEIR STOCKHOLDERS

AND THEIR DISTRIBUTORS AND THE BANK

THAT IT'S ONLY A MOVIE! WILL YOU DO THAT, MAX?

I WANT YOU TO TELL THEM "FORGET ABOUT ALL YOUR MONEY,

IT'S ONLY A MOVIE!"

I'LL TELL THEM THAT NO DAMN MOVIE IS WORTH A MAN'S LIFE!

AND I'LL TELL THEM THAT UNLESS I CAN SHOOT THIS PICTURE

THE WAY I WANT TO,

AND THAT MEANS THIS STUNT, THEN I TAKE A WALK.

AND WE'LL SEE WHO WALKS, MR. BERNS...

YOU OR I.

I'M SORRY, MAX.

OH, WHAT THE HELL, SONNY.

WHAT THE HELL.

YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING...

"YOU'LL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN."

UNLESS THEY NEED YOU.

THERE YOU GO, CULLY.

THANKS. IF YOU'RE STILL MAD, I CAN JUST LEAVE...

SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN.

KIND OF EARLY IN THE DAY FOR THAT HARD STUFF, ISN'T IT?

I'M WORKING OUT.

I'M WORKING ON MY LEFT ARM THIS MORNING.

I'LL GET AROUND TO MY RIGHT ARM

THIS AFTERNOON.

YEAH. YOU'VE HEARD WHAT'S HAPPENING, HAVEN'T YOU?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S HAPPENING.

THAT NEW KID, SKI, THEY GOT HIM GAFFING THE SHOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT ELSE.

THEY CANCELED THAT CAR STUNT. AT LEAST TEMPORARILY.

YOU WERE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. IT'S A 2-MAN STUNT.

AND THERE AIN'T NOBODY CRAZY ENOUGH TO RIDE WITH THAT KID,

ESPECIALLY WITH NO ROCKET STRAPPED TO HIS BUTT.

AND YOU CAN BET YOUR ASS,

YOUR COWBOY HAT, AND YOUR HOUSE CAT,

THEY'RE GONNA BE COMING AFTER YOU TO GET YOU TO DO THE STUNT.

YOU GONNA DO THE STUNT?

YOU KNOW WHAT, CULLY?

THERE'S A WHOLE NEW BREED OF STUNTMAN COMING ALONG.

THEY'RE YOUNGER...

STRONGER...

TOUGHER THAN US.

THEY DON'T TAKE PILLS, THEY DON'T DRINK,

THEY DON'T...

THEY DON'T TAKE SHOTS.

THEY USE LITTLE POCKET CALCULATORS.

WE DON'T WATCH OUT,

THEY'RE GONNA BLOW US RIGHT OUT OF THE TUB.

YOU DIDN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION. YOU GONNA DO THE STUNT?

BOY, I NEVER REALIZED

THERE WERE SO MANY GAGS AT THE END OF THE PICTURE.

SO INVOLVED. FIRE GAGS. WHOLE TOWN BEING BLOWN UP.

50 STUNTMEN DOING FALLS.

ALL RIGHT, MAX...

WHAT'S THE REAL REASON YOU CAME OUT HERE?

TO ASK ME TO COME BACK AND GAFF THE SHOW?

IT'S THE ROCKET CAR GAG, SONNY.

THE ROCKET CAR.

IT'S A 2-MAN JOB JUST LIKE YOU ALWAYS SAID.

NOBODY IN TOWN WILL TOUCH IT,

AND ROGER'S WORRIED THE SKI'LL GET HURT.

THAT'S BULLSHIT.

ROGER'S WORRIED ABOUT GETTING THE SHOT.

ROGER'S WORRIED ABOUT FINISHING HIS PICTURE...

SO HE TALKED YOU INTO COMING OUT HERE

TO ASK ME TO COME BACK AND DO THE GAG.

YOU GO TELL ROGER TO GO SIT ON A SHORT STICK.

WELL, IF YOU WON'T DO IT FOR ROGER...

I'D DO IT FOR YOU?

I'D APPRECIATE IT.

YOU'D APPRECIATE IT.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, MAX?

YOU USED TO BE TOUGH.

NOBODY COULD TELL YOU HOW TO MAKE A PICTURE.

AND NOBODY GOT HURT ON YOUR PICTURES.

IF I DON'T DELIVER THIS PICTURE,

I'LL BE THE PRODUCER

WHO BLEW THE BIGGEST AND HOTTEST PROJECT IN TOWN.

ALL WASHED UP. FINISHED.

I'M TOO OLD TO GO BACK TO SELLING DOOR-TO-DOOR.

OK, MAX.

YOU GOT ME.

YOU GONNA DO IT?

YEAH.

I'M GONNA DO IT.

I WON'T BE HERE WHEN YOU GET BACK.

HEY, SONNY. HOW YOU DOIN', MY MAN?

JEFFREY, GARY.

HOW'S IT HANGIN', SONNY?

DAN.

MAX SAID YOU WERE COMING IN.

NICE TO SEE YOU BACK.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY BABY?

IT'S BIG.

LOOKS LIKE ONE OF KING KONG'S SUPPOSITORIES.

HOW YOU DOING, SKI?

FINE, SONNY. HOW ABOUT YOU?

GOOD.

LET ME TELL YOU GUYS HOW THIS THING WORKS.

NOW, SONNY, YOUR JOB IS TO DIAL UP THE PRESSURE.

YOU'LL NEED 1,500 POUNDS. THAT LEAVES SKI FREE TO DRIVE.

WHEN THE PRESSURE'S RIGHT,

HIT THE SWITCH, AND YOU ARE GONE.

HOW'S IT HANDLE?

I HAVEN'T DRIVEN IT YET.

LET'S TRY IT OUT.

I HEARD THAT.

HOW'S IT FEEL?

PULLS A LITTLE TO THE LEFT.

ANYTHING ELSE?

THE CIGARETTE LIGHTER DON'T WORK.

YOU JUST BETTER HOPE THAT CIGARETTE LIGHTER WORKS.

WE'LL BE FOLLOWING AN EXPLOSIVES TRUCK.

DRIVER'LL JUMP OUT AND IT'LL BLOW.

SUPPOSED TO COLLAPSE THE BRIDGE FROM THE SUPERSTRUCTURE HERE

ALL THE WAY TO THE OTHER BANK.

YOU FIGURED OUT ON THAT POCKET CALCULATOR OF YOURS

HOW MANY Gs WE'LL BE PULLING WHEN WE LAND?

8 TO 10 IF WE LAND ON OUR WHEELS.

BETTER MAKE SURE WE HIT THAT RAMP JUST RIGHT,

OTHERWISE IT WOULD VEER OFF ONE WAY OR THE OTHER

OR IT COULD JUST GO HEADFIRST INTO THAT BANK.

IF THAT HAPPENS, THERE'S JUST ONE THING TO DO.

WHAT'S THAT?

PUT YOUR HEAD BETWEEN YOUR LEGS AND KISS YOUR ASS GOOD-BYE.

IT'S A PIECE OF CAKE.

I'LL BUY YOU A DRINK.

YOU DON'T DRINK, DO YOU?

I'M WILLING TO START.

DAMN GOOD TIME TO DO IT.

YOU KNOW, ALL THIS HANGING AROUND WITH YOU

IS STARTING TO RUB OFF ON ME.

HOW'S THAT?

WELL, A COUPLE WAYS...

EXCUSE ME.

MY FIRST MARRIAGE YOU KNOW,

IS MORE THAN LIKELY IN THE SHITTER.

OH, YEAH.

AND I'M LEARNING TO DRINK AND LIKING IT.

YEAH. WELL...

MY PRESENT RELATIONSHIP, UH, IS NOT GOOD.

ACTUALLY, IT'S IN THE SHITTER, TOO.

WELL, WHAT THE HELL IS IT ABOUT STUNTMEN

AND THEIR WIVES AND RELATIONSHIPS?

I DON'T KNOW. IT'S A LITTLE LIKE...

IT'S A LITTLE LIKE DRINKIN' AND DRIVIN'.

EVENTUALLY, THERE'S GOING TO BE A HELL OF A WRECK.

HEY, GUYS.

THIS YOUR CAR?

YEAH.

LOOKS PRETTY FAST.

LOOKS AIN'T DECEIVING.

FROM THE LOOKS OF THEM BEER CANS,

I'D SAY YOU TWO GUYS ARE A LITTLE DRUNK.

LIKE I SAID, LOOKS AIN'T DECEIVING,

YOU OLD FART.

BETTER LET ME HANDLE THIS.

I HOPE YOU AREN'T PLANNING ON DOING ANY MORE DRIVING TODAY.

WE AREN'T GONNA DO ANY MORE DRIVING.

I JUST CALLED MY MOTHER,

AND SHE'S GONNA COME OUT HERE AND PICK US UP

AND TAKE US HOME. I'M GONNA LEAVE THE CAR HERE

AND GO ON HOME WITH MY MOTHER.

YOUR MOTHER?

YEAH.

I HOPE YOU'RE RIGHT.

OLD FART.

SO THE QUEEN SAYS TO THE PHOTOGRAPHER...

"I GOT A BROTHER-IN-LAW THAT'S A PHOTOGRAPHER."

THE PHOTOGRAPHER SAYS, "THAT'S NOT SO STRANGE,

I GOT A BROTHER-IN-LAW THAT'S A QUEEN."

OH, LOOK WHO WE GOT HERE.

HOWDY, YOU OLD FART.

AFTERNOON, OFFICER. NICE DAY, ISN'T IT?

PULL UP! RIGHT OVER THERE!

WHAT'S THAT?

I SAID, PULL OVER UP FRONT!

PULL OVER UP FRONT, THAT'S WHAT I SAID!

GOTCHA! SHALL WE?

SAY GOOD-BYE TO THE NICE OFFICER.

BYE-BYE, NICE OFFICER!

GREAT GOD ALMIGHTY!

HEADQUARTERS!

NEVER MIND.

ALL RIGHT, TONY, I'M COMING DOWN.

GET HOOPER AND SKI READY, WILL YOU?

ALL RIGHT, MOVE IT OUT OF HERE!

THE HELICOPTER IS COMING DOWN!

TONY, DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF?

GET THOSE PEOPLE OUT OF HERE.

HOOPER! SKI! GET OVER HERE! ROGER WANTS YOU!

LET'S GO! LET'S GO! OVER HERE!

YOU KNOW WE'LL BE PUTTING AWAY THIS THING HERE?

WE'RE GONNA BLOW ALL THIS UP.

AS YOU REMEMBER, IT'S A GIANT EARTHQUAKE,

YOU KNOW, WITH FIRES, EXPLOSIONS,

BUILDINGS FALLING EVERYWHERE.

CHAOS, TERROR...AND YOU'LL BE DRIVING THROUGH IT.

IT HAS A NICE GRAYNESS, LIKE LA STRADA.

I'LL BE IN THE CHOPPER FOR ALL OF THIS,

AND WE START BACK THERE AT THE ADMINISTRATION BUILDING.

WHEN THE EARTHQUAKE HITS, WE COLLAPSE THE BUILDING.

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA, ROGER.

THAT'S GONNA LOOK TERRIFIC ON FILM.

THIS GAS STATION IS WHERE YOU'LL FORCE

ONE OF THOSE CARS CHASING YOU

TO HIT THOSE PUMPS,

AND THAT'LL SET OFF OUR MAIN TANK.

SENSATIONAL IDEA, ROGER.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY IT CAN BE FILMED.

ACTUALLY, YOU'RE QUITE WRONG, TONY.

THERE ARE SEVERAL WAYS OF DOING IT,

BUT THIS IS UNDOUBTEDLY THE BEST.

ALL RIGHT, SONNY, I'M DEPENDING ON YOU HERE.

I WANT SOME GOOD STUNTS,

SOME CARS SKIDDING, CARS CRASHING INTO EACH OTHER.

BUT THESE SMOKESTACKS ARE IMPORTANT.

WHEN THEY FALL AND DEMOLISH EVERYTHING,

THEY'VE GOT TO JUST MISS YOUR CAR.

THAT IS CRUCIAL

BECAUSE WE CAN'T PUT THOSE STACKS BACK TOGETHER.

THAT'S RIGHT, ROGER.

HERE'S WHERE YOU FIND THE EXPLOSIVES TRUCK

THAT BLOWS THE BRIDGE, AND, OF COURSE,

YOUR CAR WILL HAVE TO JUMP THE RIVER.

IF WE GO OVER HERE, WE GET A GOOD VIEW OF THE JUMP.

YEAH.

GOOD TO SEE YOU. HERE FOR THE JUMP?

IT'S GONNA BE NEAT. TALK TO YOU LATER, BABE.

GWENGWEN, YOU WANT TO SEE HIM?

NO.

AFTERWARD.

ROGER WANTS TO TALK TO YOU GUYS.

YEAH, ROGER?

ALL RIGHT, SKI, SONNY, THIS IS ROGER.

YOU BOYS READY?

WE WERE BORN READY.

WONDERFUL. LET'S TRY ONE, SHALL WE?

ONE'S ALL YOU GET, HOSS.

GOOD LUCK, GUYS.

HOLD THIS WHILE WE'RE GONE.

REMEMBER PEOPLE, NO ONE EVER WON AN OSCAR

FOR SECOND BEST, SO GET READY!

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS IT! ROLL THE CAMERAS!

SPEED. ROLLING CAMERAS 1 THROUGH 5.

6 THROUGH 9.

11 AND 12.

ACTION! GO, GO, GO!

WE'RE UP TO PRESSURE! 1,500 POUNDS!

GODDAMN! CLIFF WAS WORKING OVERTIME!

WE'RE LOSING...WE'RE LOSING SOME PRESSURE!

WELL, STICK THE THING UP TO FULL POWER!

I ALREADY DID THAT!

IT'S DOWN TO 1,400 POUNDS!

THAT JUST AIN'T ENOUGH!

IT BETTER BE!

YOU'RE DOIN' GOOD! YOU'RE DOIN' GREAT!

HOLY SHIT! YOUR SPEED IS RIGHT ON!

I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT!

WE'RE DOWN TO 1,100 POUNDS PRESSURE!

IT'S LEVELED OFF!

GODDAMN IT, SONNY!

ONE MORE CURVE,

THEN THEY'RE GONNA BLOW THAT BRIDGE ALL TO SHIT!

GET ON IT, SON! PUT THE PEDAL TO THE METAL!

GET ON THE EXPLOSIVE TRUCK'S ASS!

WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER? WHAT'S GOING ON?

WE HAVEN'T GOT ENOUGH PRESSURE.

SCREW THE PRESSURE!

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON DOWN THERE?

KEEP ROLLING, GOD DAMN IT!

MY LIFE IS WORTH MORE THAN A PIECE OF FILM.

I'LL TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT YOUR LIFE IS WORTH.

YOUR LIFE IS WORTH $50,000.

THAT'S THE PRICE YOU PUT ON IT WHEN YOU GOT BEHIND THIS WHEEL.

SONNY, SKI, IF YOU DO NOT TRY TO MAKE THIS JUMP,

YOU WILL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN. IS THAT...

WE'RE GOING?

WE'RE GOIN', YEAH! WE'RE GOIN'!

YOU'RE CRAZY.

I'M GONNA HIT IT!

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

CUT. CUT.

CUT! CUT! CUT! AND PRINT!

GOD DAMN IT! GET ME DOWN!

GET THAT DOOR OPEN!

GET THAT CROWBAR OVER HERE!

LET ME GET IT IN THERE!

GET AWAY!

GET THE DAMN DOOR OFF!

SONNY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

SONNY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

SONNY! JESUS, SONNY!

SEE THAT?

YES, YES, I KNOW.

SONNY?

SONNY?

THAT WAS A HELL OF A JUMP!

MAKE ROOM FOR JOCKO.

I'D LIKE TO TAKE ANOTHER LOOK AT THAT SPOT,

WOULDN'T YOU?

YEAH. FROM THIS SIDE.

YOU'RE JUST THE GREATEST. I LOVE YOU BOTH.

GWEN, THAT WAS HIS BEST STUNT EVER.

IT WAS HIS LAST, MAX.

WILD STUNT.

MAX, MAX, WE DID IT.

WE JUST FILMED THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY STUNT

OF ALL TIME, AND WE GOT IT.

TONY?

YEAH, MAX?

YOU'RE FIRED.

RIGHT, MR. BERNS.

SPECTACULAR!

WONDERFUL! I...I KNEW YOU COULD DO IT.

I NEVER SAW ANYTHING LIKE IT.

IT WAS WONDERFUL!

WHAT CAN I SAY? IT WAS WONDERFUL.

HOOPER, CAN I SPEAK TO YOU FOR A SEC?

LOOK, I KNOW WE DIDN'T GET ALONG ON THIS PICTURE.

I ALSO KNOW YOU THINK I'M A TYRANNICAL EGOMANIAC.

WELL, MAYBE IT'S TRUE,

BUT FILMS ARE TINY PIECES OF TIME,

AND WE CAPTURED IT.

I ONLY DO IT FOR ONE REASON,

TO MAKE THE BEST MOVIE I CAN.

BECAUSE I'M A PRO, JUST LIKE YOU.

I'M ALSO BIG ENOUGH TO APOLOGIZE.

AND I KNOW YOU'RE BIG ENOUGH TO ACCEPT.

WELL, ROGER...

AS USUAL...

YOU'RE WRONG.

HE ALWAYS IS THE BAD GUY

WHO GETS IT IN THE END

HE'S OUT THERE STUFFIN' HORSES

OR FALLIN' OFF A TRAIN

HE NEVER WON A GUNFIGHT

A SCUFFLE OR A BRAWL

FOR BEING SUCH A LOSER

HOOPER'S REALLY GOT IT ALL

YOU CAN TOSS HIM, BLAST HIM, FLIP HIM, AND TURN HIM

SHOOT HIM, HANG HIM, BURY AND BURN HIM

CHANCES ARE, HOOPER'S BACK FOR MORE

RUN HIM OUT ACROSS THE GROUND

TAKE A TRUCK, RUN HIM DOWN

HE AIN'T EASY

HE'S UP AND GONE

YOU CAN HIT HIM, KICK HIM, GENERALLY ABUSE HIM

SET HIM ON FIRE, IT WILL AMUSE HIM

HEAVEN KNOWS, HE WON'T HOLD A GRUDGE

HE'LL LOOK YOU IN THE EYE

AND TELL YOU WITH A SMILE

THERE AIN'T NOTHIN' LIKE THE LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD STUNTMAN

SOME FOLKS USED TO TELL HIM

HE OUGHT TO SETTLE DOWN

FIND A STEADY WOMAN

LAND A JOB IN TOWN

BUT SOMEHOW THAT ATTRACTION

NEVER SEEMED TOO GREAT

YOU ALWAYS SEE HIM LEAVING JUST BEFORE IT GETS TOO LATE

GOING DOWN THE HIGHWAY

RARELY ON THE GROUND

NEVER UNDER 80

JUDGING FROM THE SOUND

LATER IN THE EVENING

HE'S TEARING UP THE TOWN

ALWAYS SEEMS TO END UP WITH THE PRETTIEST GIRL AROUND

YOU CAN TOSS HIM, BLAST HIM, FLIP HIM, AND TURN HIM

SHOOT HIM, HANG HIM, BURY AND BURN HIM

CHANCES ARE HOOPER'S BACK FOR MORE

RUN HIM OUT ACROSS THE GROUND

TAKE A TRUCK, RUN HIM DOWN

HE AIN'T EASY

HE'S UP AND GONE

YOU CAN HIT HIM, KICK HIM, GENERALLY ABUSE HIM

SET HIM ON FIRE, IT WILL AMUSE HIM

HEAVEN KNOWS, HE WON'T HOLD A GRUDGE

HE'LL LOOK YOU IN THE EYE

AND TELL YOU WITH A SMILE

THERE AIN'T NOTHIN' LIKE THE LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD STUNTMAN

HE'LL LOOK YOU IN THE EYE

AND TELL YOU WITH A SMILE

THERE AIN'T NOTHIN' LIKE THE LIFE

NOTHING LIKE THE LIFE

THERE AIN'T NOTHING LIKE THE LIFE

OF A HOLLYWOOD STUNTMAN...