Original subtitles

[Jet's"Cold Hard Bitch" playing]

Got to leave town got another appointment

Spent all my rent girl you know enjoyed it

Yeah

Ain't going to hang around till there's nobody dancing

I don't want to hold hands

And talk about our little plans

All right

cold hard bitch just a kiss on the lips

And was on my knees I'm waiting give me

cold hard bitch...

...You're stuck here in the middle and you got it

Stuck in the middle

You're stuck here in the middle

And you got it

Yeah

Yeah yeah

I'm an adult now. Whoo!

Deep throat. Deep throat. Let's go!

Whoo!

Whoo-hoo. Yeah!

Ahh.

I'm going to college! Whoo!

Evening, fellas.

Nick! Buddy, let's go.

Hey, hey, hey. Come on.

Guys, I can't. Told you, I can't.

Chug-a-lug! Chug-a-lug!

Put me down!

Oh, man, it's in my nose!

You whacking with condoms now?

Dude, you're supposed to use them,

not collect them all. They're not hockey cards.

Unless...

Shut up, man.

Dude, you are tapping ass tonight. Yeah!

Wait. No, no. Not looking like that, You're not. You'll be fine.

Just remember - it's like porn.

You got four positions, three minutes each,

then go forthe face.

No, not the face. Yeah, the face, man.

Monkeys been doing it for decades.

Plus chicks like it. It's an exfoliant.

See you guys around. Wish me luck.

Good luck, Nick.

Hey, keep the wrapper.

What?

You know, like, as a memento or souvenir or something.

Put it in a book or...

What? I'll be over here.

Now, it's just a feeling,

and it's hard...

to know why, but...

I think you've got

exactly what I'm looking for,

and I could use you just as soon as possible.

Thanks, Mr. Swackhammer.

I'll call you first thing in the morning.

Yeah, you do that. Trish!

Nick, hey.

There you are.

Um, this is...

Please hold. Go forthe Hammer.

No way.

I've been looking foryou.

Are you drunk?

Nick, we had a deal.

Some guy just spilled beer on me.

I'm serious. Trish, come on.

It's the last day of high school. You don't want to leave a virgin

any more than I do.

All right, Nick. You've earned it.

We both have.

Follow me.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Yeah

Make some noise!

Wow!

Was that all right? Are you kidding?

That was the best two and half minutes of my life.

Really?

Oh, wow.

Can't believe we waited so long to do this.

I've got to make up for lost time.

We're going to have to do this a lot.

Okay.

Thattaboy. Thattaboy.

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

No. Oh, crap.

Whoo!

Yourfriends are a bunch of idiots.

Hey, buddy,

something's wrong with this picture.

Yeah, Nick's having sex and we're not.

Come on. Operation Poontang!

Right now know you're thinking of me

Sex

I'm anywhere that you want me to be

Sex

And want you to think that I'm love

On your left, son.

What's this for?

Whoo.

It's a piercing chair.

Oh, god.

You guys are doing piercings now?

Yeah, we're diversifying.

Look. They call it the javelin.

You want one on the house?

Drink up. Yin yang huo.

Horny goat weed.

After a rough night of sex,

it's just the thing.

Excuse me?

Oh, don't be coy, Nick. Everybody knows.

Our little boy finally lost his virginity.

Such a shame it was with the spawn of Lucifer.

What?

Who?

Oh, speak of the devil.

Hey, Nick.

Trish.

Jerry, Toni.

I was wondering where you went.

Had tae-kwon-do class this morning.

Ah!

That's right.

Yeah, get up...

: Before noon.

Yourfolks should try it sometime.

Yeah.

Look, I had a really good time

last night.

Oh, god, so did I.

Oh, hey, you look great today.

Thank you.

What's with the bags?

Actually, that's what I want to talk to you about.

I won't live on this island forever, Nick.

My major's in communications.

This is good for me.

The whole summer?

I mean, Trish, what about us?

What about our plans?

Nick, thousands of girls apply forthis thing.

He said I'm his first choice.

You met this guy yesterday.

Hey, Trish.

It's go time, kid. Your Eager Beaver awaits.

Back off, Swackhammer, we're having a moment.

Look, my resume could use experience.

If you cared for me, you'll tell me to go.

Okay.

We're going to stay faithful, right?

I'll try.

You'll try?

Come on, Nick.

It's not like we're engaged.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Um...

Yo, Trish, let's go!

Be smart.

You don't want to end up like your parents.

Whoo!

Well you play it cool and swell

But I've been through all hell

Plan to make a break think then forget about it

Better if it blinks out

I'm not getting through at all

I don't wanna pray I don't wanna pray

I don't wanna pray

I just wanna get on...

Aah!

What the hell are you doing?

Sending some e-mail photos to Trish

in case she gets homesick.

She's been gone for weeks, pal. Get over it.

Come on, you see those waves out there?

They're gorgeous.

I've been surfing with a hard-on all morning.

Come on. You want in?

Tyler, in all the years you've known me,

have I ever gone surfing?

Oh, Nick, look at you.

You call this a life?

It's about taking chances, man.

Kicking ass.

Look at Dime out there.

He's a total feeb, and he risks dying

every time he goes out there,

yet he keeps doing it. Do you know why?

Uh, yeah, what is it?

Carpe Diem. Seize the day?

Got it.

I don't think you do.

Excuse me?

Can you give me a hand here?

I'm having trouble with my straps.

Uh... yeah.

Sure.

Come on in.

You know, I'm not really good with knots,

but I can tell...

you've got really great hands.

Thanks.

I bet you're really good with them.

Yeah, I bet you are.

You know... I'm, uh...

I'm seeing someone,

so I'm a little emotionally unavailable.

That's okay. We'll just leave our emotions out of it.

Really, I'm flattered, thank you, but...

Oh, come on.

I mean, they said you'd be tough, but I am half-naked here.

They? Who's they?

Um...

Hi, honey. Hey, bud.

We're just trying to, you know, cheeryou up a little bit,

get your mind off Trish.

Oh, and she gave us a terrific rate.

Yeah, well...

You guys got me a hooker?

Oh, no, no.

I'm a massage therapist.

But for an extra 50, I can, you know...

No. I have a girlfriend! And she's beautiful,

and smart, and going somewhere.

And afterthese Much Music Awards are over,

she's going to come back here... Whoa.

The Much Music Video Awards? Yeah.

Let me guess.

Internship with Lenny Swackhammer?

You know him?

Oh, I know him all right. All nine inches, in fact.

I had your girlfriend's job last year. That Swackhammer,

he made those awards one hell of a night.

Whoo!

Wait. Wait.

What are you talking about?

Well, I don't remember much,

but I do recall me and Swacky in a Nickelback sandwich.

The Swackhammer intern deluxe.

Apparently, it's a tradition.

Want a demonstration?

No, actually, I've got to go.

Can I keep this?

Oh, yeah. Sure, babe, sure.

Oh, hey, you want a free nipple ring?

Yeah!

Nick!

Free booze. Get your ass out here!

Dude, a beertruck just jackknifed on the highway.

A river of pale ale on the numberfour. Let's go check it out.

Sorry, guys. I got to sit this one out.

I've got some packing to do. One-way ticket to Toronto.

Flight leaves in the morning.

You're flying out to see Trish?

Why? The girl has a full-time job.

She doesn't have time...

I'm going to ask her to marry me.

It looks real, doesn't it?

It cost me 10 bucks.

Hopefully it'll tide her over

till I can get her something better, but...

What?

You guys think she's going to know it's fake?

Have you lost yourfucking mind?

Dude, I'm just taking your advice.

You see something you want, you go for it.

I meant get drunk, get laid, go skydiving,

not throw your life away.

Fag.

Congratulations.

Hey, hey, hey.

Who wants brownies?

Not right now, thanks.

Oh, yeah. Oh, and listen, son,

we're, uh...

Sorry about that whole whore thing.

I thought she was a massage therapist.

Honey...

We just want to make sure you're doing this

because you love Trish,

not because she finally popped your cherry.

Stop saying that.

Guys, I love her.

Okay? I really do.

Fine, fine, fine. Have a brownie.

Uh, I'll get it.

Congrats on the wedding. Let's drink.

I thought you didn't approve.

I don't.

But I can't send my dawg off to the slaughter

without a properfarewell.

I appreciate it, guys, but I got an early flight.

Muffin.

Okay, two beers, max.

Shit!

My plane. My plane.

Good morning, sunshine.

Dude, will you cut that out, please?

What the hell's going on? My flight.

Relax, Sparky. We'll get you to Toronto.

Oh, thank god.

I thought I slept in.

Oh, you did.

What? How? I had, like, two beers.

Mom.

Dude, your mom's pot brownies are killer.

You're going to have to totally hook me up with that recipe.

Please, would you cut that out?

Just take me to the airport. I'll fly standby.

Back off, man.

We'll get you to T-dot.

Dude, the airport's that way.

Yeah, I know that.

We're taking the scenic route.

Road trip, baby.

Tofino to Toronto. Whoo, surprise!

No. Pull overthe van. No can do.

Schedule's pretty tight, Nick. The awards are less than six days...

Pull overthe fucking van.

Why didn't my parents stop you?

Well, they were still passed out when we left, man.

Nick, I don't know what you're so upset about.

You owe us this. I owe you?

Call it what you will.

A rite of passage, a final send-off...

Atravelling bachelor party.

Good one. Thank you very much.

Okay, Nick, I've never been to Banff before, okay,

and I hear Prairie girls taste like corn.

What? You like corn.

As long as we get laid and you're in Toronto by Sunday.

Come on, dude, say yes.

Say yes! Say yes! Say yes, yes!

Say yes! Stop it!

Stop it! Fine, fine! Just stop it!

Shit!

Yahoo!

Oh, oh!

Oh, oh, come on. Look at all that room!

Why don't you try showing some leg...

or something? Don't even.

I'm not the one who got us into this mess.

Hey, you call it a mess.

I call it ourfirst legitimate gig.

Singing telegrams is not a legitimate gig.

Yes, it is.

It's just...

What?

If I wanted a bullshit job, I would've stayed on the rock.

Shut up.

Okay, we got to get somebody here.

I know. Come on.

Oh, Winnie!

Oh, god.

Show leg, leg, leg.

I'm showing. I'm showing.

Well, hello there.

Oh, Johnny Leather,

we got lost on our way to the beach.

Thank goodness you picked us up.

How can we ever repay you, huh?

How about you work my stick while I drive?

Well, sure,

if you promise to pop my clutch.

Oh, mine too.

Whoo!

Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Bowm bowm chicky-chicky bowm bow bowm

Yes! Go, go!

Okay. Um...

No, no. We're not stopping. Why the hell not, dude?

This is a motor home, not a Pinto. Share the wealth.

Dude, it's my car, and I make the rules.

This is a road trip. There are no rules.

Get off me!

The last thing we need

are a couple of hapless trannies slowing us down.

Look, guys, come on.

They're girls. They're needy.

We'll have to stop every 10 miles,

so they can piddle or change their pads.

Well, I for one could always find time forthe sanctity of female hygiene.

I back that up, brother.

Hey, girls, need a lift?

Hi, my name's Dime.

Old Nick here's thinking law school, U of T,

so he's taking the campus tour.

And me and Dime, we're the entourage,

the"comic relief," if you will.

So what's the deal with you two?

Spill it.

Oh, you know, just a, uh...

couple of hapless trannies trying to find our way home.

I hearyou, sister.

Hey, hey, food stand, two klicks.

Can we stop?

Well, yeah, I can always use a piddle.

Fancy that. I got to change my pad.

Ooh, what a gentleman.

Hey, dude, what's up with all this law bullshit?

It's your plan, isn't it? U of T?

Yeah, eventually, but...

Besides, it's a whole lot better than that stupid marriage idea.

And do us a favour.

Keep that to yourself.

You know, you wouldn't want to scare off the talent.

Huh?

That one looks naughty.

She's buying a popsicle.

You know what that means.

We're both going to kill you, if that's what you're wondering.

I was, as a matter of fact.

Look, I think we got off

on the wrong foot.

Um...

Sasha, Newfoundland, struggling musician.

Excuse me?

That's my name,

where I'm from, what I do.

Thought I'd save you the time.

That's awfully kind of you.

You strike me as a guy who doesn't have time for such trivialities.

Why'd you come over here in the first place?

Look, Ijust...

I don't mean to be rude, but I have a girlfriend, so...

See, I knew it.

Look at that shit.

[Perry Como's "Papa Loves Mambo" playing]

Ooh

Ooh

Papa loves mambo

Mama loves mambo

Look at them sway with getting so gay with it

Shouting"Ole" with it wow

Ooh

Papa loves mambo

Papa loves mambo

Mama loves mambo

Mama loves mambo

Papa does great with it swings like a gate with it

Evens his weight with it now He goes to

She goes fro

He goes fast

She goes slow

He goes left

She goes right

Papa's looking for mama

But mama is nowhere in sight

Ooh

Papa loves mambo

Mama loves mambo

Having a fling again younger than spring again

Feeling that zing again wow

Papa loves mambo

Psst.

Mama loves mambo

Mama loves mambo

Don't play the rumba and don't play the samba

Because papa loves mambo tonight

Ooh

Ooh

Can I offeryou some carrot cake, Emile?

Sugar's forthe weak.

Right on.

So, um...

Jerry tells me you were in the Special Forces.

Not since the court martial.

You were court-martialled?

I was told that you had retired.

Yeah, yeah, but it was nothing, really.

I mean...

The general's poodle...

it bit me.

So I killed the bitch...

and ate it.

Oh, okay.

They wanted to lock me away, but your husband,

he was my character witness.

He was very good to me.

Yeah, so that's why, you know,

now Emile wants to repay the favour.

So we're going to be his first clients

in his new P.I. Firm.

Right, okay.

This woman...

the one Nick wants to marry,

she's no good? I...

She's a conniving bitch.

Yeah.

And Nick doesn't see it. He's confused, he's young,

and he's horny.

Which is why we think it's better

if he not make it to Toronto.

So maybe he... he loses his money,

or his RV breaks down. Something like that.

We-we've tried everything we can from here,

and now we're counting on you.

I'll find your boy.

I'll skin him and I'll stuff him - forfree.

That was humour.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We're pitched awfully close to their Winnie,

don't you think? I mean...

So let's talk sleeping arrangements,

'cause I think gender separation's a little old-fashioned.

Yeah, sounds outdated to me.

So are yourtactics.

Sorry, boys.

So how many beers we got?

Don't know. Why?

'Cause those girls are gonna need a lot of booze.

I don't know about you guys,

but I'm pitching a tent in my pants right now.

Shut up.

Dude, it's turning black.

Chicks like it black. Haven't I taught you anything?

Dude, they're not going to eat that.

Pull it out.

Hey, Tyler pulls out when he is good and ready.

Chicks respect that, and they always come back for seconds.

Dude, it's on fire.

Just take it out. Dude, let go.

Let go. Dude... Take it out.

Oh, that was smart.

That marshmallow was a fucking masterpiece, you jackass.

Why don't you let Dime cook this one?

Because the fire's too big, too dangerous for Dime.

You guys just sit back, relax, all right?

We'll be tapping that ass in no time.

Oh, my god!

Guys, fire!

Shit!

Jill! My god. It's spreading!

Guys, it's spreading!

Stand back!

Stand back! Stand back!

It's empty.

Dude.

I cannot believe you guys.

Whisky?

I'm driving.

Whisky?

I'm rolling.

Ladies?

Jesus Christ.

I'm sorry. Okay?

How many times do you want me to say it?

Here, I'll tell you what. You can spank me.

Go on, I deserve it.

Spank me.

Fine.

Whatever.

I'm going to go outside and get some fresh air.

[Jersey's"What a Wonderful World" plays]

Whoo! Yeah! That is what I'm talking about!

I see trees of green

Red roses too

You like this? Come up here. Come on!

...From me to you

And think to myself

Yeah!

What a wonderful world

I see skies of blue

Golden!

And clouds of white

Bright blessed day and the dark sacred night

And I think to myself

What a wonderful world

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Tyler!

What's up?

Cops! Fuck.

Whoa, uh...

Tyler!

What a wonderful world

World

Shit!

Relax. It's probably just a ticket.

We can't afford a ticket, Tyler. We can barely afford gas to Ontario.

Uh, Sasha,

hide the weed underneath there.

Cops'll look there.

Betterthan the dashboard!

No, wait!

Holy shit.

What the hell? Dime!

It's just a few supplies, you know,

in case something happens.

Like what? A nuclear winter?

Oh, shit.

Good morning, fun boys and girls.

I want you to step out of the mobile home

and keep your hands where I can see them, please.

Article C-17,

surfing on the roof of a moving vehicle,

$200 fine.

Vandalism, Article B-35, $300 fine.

But this is my van.

Resisting arrest,

$500 fine and six months in jail.

Do you mind if I search your vehicle?

You can say no, Nick, 'cause he needs a warrant.

Warrant.

Don't push it, Carbo.

I'll ask again. May I search your vehicle?

Fine, just let go of his arm.

Jesus.

This sucks.

Open alcohol in a vehicle... $350 fine.

Heh-heh.

If he finds my stash, we're screwed.

Relax. He's not going to find it.

Oh!

Shit. Oh, man.

That's a lot of weed.

So what's the fine forthat?

Two pounds of illegal narcotics?

Yeah.

That's not a fine, hamster. That's a bribe.

Okay, fine. How much?

How much you got?

You're robbing us?

It's called extortion, sweet cheeks.

Now, you want to go to prison or not?

Come on, guys, fork it up.

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.

No, please! You want to go through that again?

It's your own damn fault.

You don't have to dump it all! Just have a bit of compassion, Nick.

No. He's a bad man...

Shh. It'll all be over soon.

Guys?

Shit, dude! How about a little privacy?

I'm sorry, uh, Ijust...

I thought, um...

I thought you were something else.

Oh, shit! Run!

Get out of my way!

Right, Furtado's in. So is Avril.

I'm still waiting to hearfrom Shania,

so keep a dressing room open.

Hopefully one... close to my office.

Here's your double-shot latte, extra foam.

Oh, thanks, sweets.

Sir, with all due respect,

I hardly think that behaviour is appropriate.

Especially in a work environment.

You know, you're absolutely right.

Trish, please accept my humblest apologies.

It'll never happen again.

Judy, would you excuse us for a moment?

Sure.

I thought she would never leave.

She'll be cleaning out her desk by the end of the day.

In the meantime,

how about a little...

ass with that coffee?

Mm.

You are so talented.

Oh yeah.

Nick...

Nick!

Hey, Nick. Wake up, buddy.

Tyler's a hero. He saved you from a bear.

Shut up, Dime. Here.

I got some painkillers.

Give me three.

Easy there, junkie.

And this is a guy who calls caffeine a narcotic.

Are you sure you're okay?

I'll be fine.

Ljust need to walk it off.

Thanks, dude.

Whoa, hey, Tyler, Where'd you get these?

Your bag.

In the small pouch in my bag?

Yeah.

Dime, what did Nick just take?

Three hits of concentrated fungal toxin.

Mushrooms.

Sort of, but way stronger.

Like half a tab, normally, and you are fucking zooming.

So what's going to happen to him?

Well, he's not going to have a headache.

Whoo!

How could you do this to him?

I didn't do anything. This is Tyler's fault.

Okay, just relax. Okay? We'll just get him into the van.

Oh...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

Oh, this is beautiful, man.

I'm going to build a home right here.

That's great. Let's get you back into the van...

Don't touch me! No, I'm not leaving, man.

I told you, I'm building a house right here.

Nick? Nick.

Trish...

Trish.

This is life.

Smell it. It smells like life.

Who's Trish?

Mushies talking. It's...

Oh, you hearthem too.

Oh, I love you, Tyler.

Oh, god.

Oh, my god.

The yellow cows are coming!

Yeah! Yeah!

I say we knock him out.

I say we call it a night and camp out here.

Oh, my god.

Whoo!

He's alive!

Yay!

Oh, he's alive!

You made it.

So how is our little tugboat this morning?

Tugboat? What are you talking about?

Let's just say yourtypically...

private time with kleenex and a little lube...

It kind of became a public event.

Wankapalooza, you know? We could've sold tickets.

You're joking me. Dude, you were like a chimp.

Okay?

You were begging us to join you.

You know, some things are just a little sacred.

Okay, everyone, I'll be in the lake.

Yeah, so will I.

That is a good idea. I'm going to grab my towel.

No, no, no, no, no. You're not going anywhere.

Sasha, we're dipping in shifts.

Sorry, boys.

I'll keep an eye on the pervs.

What a prude.

Bye, boys.

Come on, Dime. Let's go inside and root through their panties.

Nick, you're, uh...

You're sweeping the forest.

You sure you're still not tripping out? A little zoom-zoom?

You guys are messing with me, right?

I got to tell you,

that little tribal thing you were doing last night,

it was pretty impressive.

Help me with this?

Whoa. Tribal thing?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What do you mean?

Oh, man, Nick's going to kill us.

Not when he sees these pictures.

We're going to hell.

Okay, let's face this, pal.

You're not going to get in Jill's pants.

This is the next best thing.

All right? Look around.

Trees, lake, tits and ass. This is a Kodak moment.

What?

What?

Nothing.

Uh, I'm going to go check on the kids.

Guys?

Oh, god.

I hope Jill's wearing her swimsuit.

What the hell?

Nick?

Hey, what the fuck are you doing?

Sasha, it's that cop!

He's putting sugar in our gas tank.

Okay, I can't see shit.

This angle sucks. Here.

Anything?

Lookee here.

Okay. Grab onto this branch and reach out.

You grab onto the branch.

I eat, Dime. I exercise.

This branch is not going to hold me, all right?

All you do is smoke weed and masturbate.

Grab onto the branch.

"All you do is smoke weed and masturbate, Dime.

I wear a cowboy hat. I'm a big dick."

It's locked.

Get out of the way.

Jesus, Sasha, you can't do that.

Easy, law boy, I'm a musician. I'll do what I want, okay?

I knew it. It's a fake.

Son of a bitch...

What's he want with us?

I don't know.

All right.

Okay, now reach out.

I'm just... hold it steady.

Reach out.

Oh, shit. What... what do I do?

Answer it.

Hello?

Oh, my god!

Dime! Dime!

Dime.

Dime, are you okay?

Oh...

Dime, talk to me. Dime...

Hey!

Was it worth it?

Definitely.

20 bucks? Your mom will do it for 15, asshole.

What's the matter, officer?

Better call for backup, asshole!

Well, well, well.

You came to play, boy.

Well, we're looking at $7.00 and change.

Yeah, and that's not going to buy us very much.

Give me the cash.

Tyler's going to make it all better.

Come on, folks! It's for charity.

You know you want to.

I'm the Deputy Mayor of Moose Jaw, for Christ's sakes.

Come on, pitch a ball. Put me in.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Definitely.

What are you thinking?

You know, Ijust... I love carnivals.

When... when I was a kid,

I'd beg my brothers to take me.

See those balloons?

They would tie as many as they could

to the back of my pants

to see if I'd have liftoff.

Did it work?

They eventually found me in a tree.

At least you had carnivals.

In Tofino, a big crazy night

would be playing bingo at the rec centre.

I like bingo.

Yeah, I know. So do I.

You know, being in a small town, it's cool, but you...

You just eventually...

You want more.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, buddy. How much forthose balloons?

Nick, don't even think about it.

Fuck me!

I'm getting better.

Your mama didn't raise no quitter. I respect that.

Save it, carny. I'm out of cash.

Hey, dude, dude, dude.

If it's money that troubles you,

I got a way you can pocket some coin real quick.

I'm listening.

Come on... lover!

Is that the best you can do with those balls, man?

I'm not even wet here.

Come on, anybody else here.

Psych!

Oh, come on. You're running out of balls.

What's up?

I'm getting tired here. I don't have all day.

Oh, wow.

Whoa.

That was good.

What does this pay again?

Two dollars...

a minute.

To act like a bunny. You're shitting me.

What exactly do you need me to do? Uh, you'll figure it out.

And you might want to put these on.

Okay...

Hop to it.

Looking good.

Hello?

What's up, doc?

Stop that!

Stop shooting me!

The pussy's down. Go forthe face.

Forget the face. Go forthe balls.

Honey, any time now. Can somebody...

All right, gentlemen, show's over.

Go home to your wives orthe Internet,

or whereveryou get your weird, sick,

perverted kicks from.

Oh, you were great. Thanks.

What are you guys doing?

At this rate, about 75 bucks an hour.

Excellent. All right.

Guys, where's, uh, where's Tyler?

Where you going? Get back here!

How does this feel?

Now who's the little pussies? Huh?

Yeah! Take that!

Look at you!

What?

Shut up.

What's that noise? You guys hearthat?

Hey guys, what's this for?

It's a...

detour.

Buckle up, suckers.

Oh, yeah, this... this way seems much better.

There's shit falling down and stuff.

If the RV's a-rocking,

don't come a-knocking!

This piece of shit's falling apart.

You should've bought Japanese.

Shit.

We got to get off these freaking tracks, okay?

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Nick, hurry up!

Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Nick, get...

Oh, my god... I'm trying!

Oh, shit.

Shit. We're stuck!

Oh, shit.

Get out of there!

Everybody, out! Get out!

For god's sake, what are you doing? Get out!

My guitar!

Oh, no.

Oh.

My surfboard.

My Gibson.

My home.

Is everyone okay?

Maybe we should, uh...

go talk to somebody or something?

We'll be stuck filling out reports for a week.

Let's split.

Are we going to Toronto or not?

Yeah, let's...

let's get out of here, guys. Come on.

Come on, Sash.

Coming.

Hurry up. Come on.

It's not bad.

It tastes like Prairie girls.

You don't know what Prairie girls taste like.

It could use a little salt.

Butter.

I'm sure the farmer's got some. Do you think he'd mind?

Thou shalt not steal.

Wait, wait. Um, listen, we're sorry.

We're just a couple of kids on our way to Toronto.

You with the Callahan boys?

Spreading gypsy moths...

killing my crops.

No, sir. No gypsy moths here, sir.

No, listen, we're just passing through.

Our Winnebago got hit by a train.

We have no stuff...

That was you? Why...

caught wind of that on the old transistor.

It's a miracle you kids are alive.

Shucks, this here's a test.

The Lord brought you here,

and now...

I am your shepherd.

So how about a home-cooked meal

and a warm place to sleep?

Sounds great.

You'll be bunkin' in with the cows tonight.

I hope you're not lactose intolerant.

All I ask

is that no one taint the purity of my virgin daughter.

Oh, yeah. I get it. It's like the old farmer's joke.

You know, "You can sleep in my barn,

but don't you dare touch

my gorgeous, cock-hungry teenage girl."

It's no joke, son.

In fact, in my house, it's the 11th commandment.

Thou shalt not lie... with thy farmer's offspring.

Unless thou wish the wrath

of thy farmer's boom-stick.

Got it?

Yes, sir.

Who's hungry?

Onward christian soldiers

Marching as to war

Oh, a train accident.

You poor souls.

Praise the Lord you're all okay.

Everything looks wonderful, Mrs...

My name's Libby, and this is Joseph.

How do?

And Josephine will be down in a moment.

Josephine!

Hey, dude.

How hot do you think this girl is? Dude, you're kidding me.

These people are hideous. She probably has no teeth.

Ah, Josephine.

You finally decided to join us?

Hi.

God help us.

Oh, hi, sweetie.

You're just in time.

Oh, have you met the boys?

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

So, young man,

you mentioned you had a...

a joke back there in the cornfield, huh?

Uh, yeah. It's a doozy.

Will you please excuse me? I'm not feeling very well.

Oh, dear, she does this every time we have guests.

Poor girl's just so darn shy.

So, you there.

Yeah, you.

Make us laugh.

Uh, yeah, the, uh...

farmer's-daughter gag. Um, sure, what the hell?

Tyler, I don't think it's a good idea.

So there's these three guys

that bagged the farmer's daughter.

Oh.

Of course, uh, the old man finds out,

and goes and grabs a shotgun

much like yours...

You know, Tyler, maybe you shouldn't.

Uh, so he explains their punishment to them,

that they have to go to the orchard

and find theirfavourite fruit.

And anyhow, the guys think they get off easy,

so they go and get theirfruit of choice...

Oh, oh, god.

You okay? Uh, yeah.

Do you hearthat, Joseph?

This darling young man

has volunteered to say grace.

Go ahead, son.

Uh... uh...

Uh, dear Lord...

thank you for giving us such a...

succulent meal,

and bless us,

and please forgive us

for anything that we've done

or are... are doing right now.

And don't... don't stop loving us.

Don't stop, baby.

Please, don't stop, oh...

And, uh...

And let us just swallow our sins

and...

Oh...

Oh, Christ.

Oh, Christ...

Praise Jesus.

Praise Jesus.

Praise Jesus. Feels good, don't it?

When a good prayer leaves you drained?

Okay, let's eat!

Pass the meat.

So then...

Whereabouts did you kids grow up?

Oh, my god.

Jill...

Are you okay?

Hmm? Mm-hmm. Mm.

Oh. Oh... oh, god.

Joseph, something strange is going on.

Oh!

Wait a second.

I know what's happening here.

Oh...

Oh, oh...

Fuck you!

Libby, call the exorcist.

These kids are possessed!

And get my gun!

No, no, no, sir, I assure you...

Oh, shit!

Now, that's it. Everybody out! Out, out!

And take Lucifer with you!

The power of Christ compels you!

The power of Christ compels you!

As you come down

I'm not ready to go

Oh, I'll get that, babe.

Thanks, honey.

Hello?

Jerry. Yeah, it's Emile.

Oh, hey, Emile. It's Emile, babe.

Right on.

How are you doing, man?

So what's going on?

Is Nick going to make it to Toronto?

No. No, he's not.

Oh, right on, buddy. That is such great news.

Thank you, Emile. I knew we could count on you, man.

Bye.

I'm not ready to go.

I'm not ready...

I told you he was the best, babe.

So cool.

One drink each, guys. We can't afford to booze it.

Nick, after all of this, we can't afford not to booze it.

[Band plays "I Feel Like a Woman"]

I'm going out tonight I'm feeling all right

I'm gonna let it all hang out

I want to make... You suck ass, buddy!

I really raise my voice

I'm gonna scream and shout

Rock and roll!

No inhibitions

Dude, I'm saving your life.

Beat it.

Get out of here.

Now, remember, folks,

the drunkeryou get, the betterthey sound.

300 bucks is still up for grabs,

so keep drinking that liquid courage,

because we need another sucker on stage.

[Playing"Where Have You Been Lately"]

Ooh, I see a table.

Cougar alert. Avert your eyes.

And lose this opportunity?

Fuck that.

So what's the plan, ladies? You going to sing a duet?

Mm-mm. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Sasha's going up by herself.

Yeah, you have another, you freaking lush.

Sasha, I want to sleep in a bed tonight,

and I want a proper shower,

but you're the only one with the talent.

Now, go up there and...

and make us some money. Come on.

Yeah. Go for it.

Hey, I'll even buy you a shot.

A shot. Hmm.

Kung Fu. Really?

Black belt?

Naturally.

Impressive.

But the question is, Junior,

do you have your brown belt?

Ah.

The brown belt.

Ashamed as I am to admit it, uh, I don't.

In fact,

my friend and I were hoping

to earn such a belt here tonight.

Oh, well... perhaps that can be arranged.

You just have to sit really tight, gentlemen,

because we have to pee.

Tight.

Dude, what the hell was that about?

What were you talking about?

What's with the whole brown belt stuff?

Dime, let me explain something to you.

The human female has up to three openings

that can be used for sexual pleasure.

To date, we are familiar with two.

That's where the cougars come in.

Oh, that... that's disgusting.

That's...

Well, I need a beer.

All right, folks,

who's tanking next?

Right here, guys. She wants to.

Whoo! Give her some encouragement.

Come on. Make me proud. Make me proud.

Whoo-hoo!

Yeah!

Show us yourtits!

You first, porky.

Shut up!

Shut up!

Okay, this is...

uh, this is for all the assholes out there.

Prisoner of your love

Entangled in your web

Hot whispers in the night

I'm captured by your spell

Oh yes I'm touched by your show of emotion

Should I be fractured by your lack of devotion

Should I

Whoo! Ha, ha.

Should I

You'd better be good to me

That's how it's got to be

'cause I don't have no use

For what you loosely call the truth

And you'd better be good to me

I think it's also right

That we don't need to fight

When we stand face to face

And you present your case

And I know you keep telling me that you love me

Not bad for a Newfie, huh?

But did you think

I'd just accept you in blind faith

Oh sure baby anything to please you

And you'd better be good to me

That's how it's got to be

'cause I don't have the time for your overloaded lines

You'd better be good to me

Be good to me

Be good to me

Be good to me

Be good to me

Yeah

Yeah!

Yes! Whoo!

Yeah!

I don't know about you guys, but I think we just found our winner!

Yeah!

Wait! Wait! Wait!

Not so fast, boys.

This one's foryou.

Whoo!

Oh, that's what I call talent!

Yeah! Whoo!

First prize.

Second prize.

Yay, Sash!

Yes!

Enough fortwo hotel rooms and breakfast.

Not bad for second place.

Hey, you're... you're supposed to be dead.

Stay away from us!

But how did you get out...

Sorry, pal. This boy belongs to us.

You, let's go.

Come on, slick. Let's get comfortable.

Okay, but I'm no cheap whore.

You're buying me breakfast.

I don't think so.

Jill?

Jill, open up.

I guess it's me and you.

I have been dreaming about this

my entire life.

Oh, I bet you have.

Ooh, ouch!

Ah.

Yeah, come on. Get them off.

Hola!

Here we go.

What are those for?

Oh, you just wait and see, little man. Hmm?

I really wanted to.

Yeah, well, so did I,

but we can wait for anothertime.

You're so sweet.

Kiss me.

Are you sure, because it looked like you're kind of about to release.

Just kiss me.

I can't.

Oh, God.

Shh. Okay, uh...

You were great tonight.

That girl on stage, who is she?

Did you like her?

You take the bed. I'm going to...

We paid good money forthis bed,

and I demand that we enjoy it.

Are you suggesting we share?

As long as you don't get any ideas.

I don't get ideas.

Nice and tight,

around the horn...

Yee-haw!

So how does this work?

How am I supposed to earn my brown belt this way?

Oh, you will, big boy.

Don't you worry.

Whateveryou're doing back there,

just be careful, because I bruise easy.

What do you think, Claire?

Should we use the baby carrot

orthe Excalibur?

Baby carrot. Baby carrot.

Gosh, honey,

it looks like we left the carrot at home.

Too bad. So very, very sad.

Load me up.

Oh, dear Lord.

That was...

Yeah.

[Tyler moaning, bed banging]

Sounds like we're not the only ones having a good time.

Yeah.

This is great. Oh!

Cougars?

Hello?

Help?

Help.

Help!

Help! Help!

Somebody!

Help!

Tyler.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. Oh, dude.

Oh, my god.

Your place is way bigger than ours.

Could somebody just give me a hand, please?

Does your new friend have a name?

You got hickeys.

No, it's just a rash.

Dude, you nailed Sasha.

You nailed my Sasha?

I didn't nail anybody. Hey. Nick, come here.

What? Nick, some details, buddy.

I knew you guys were going to hook up.

Give us the juice, my friend. Give us the juice.

Nick, come on, come on, come on.

Guys? Okay, come and untie me.

Come and untie me, please. Somebody!

Guys!

Come on, come on, come on!

Hurry! I'm coming!

Shut up! I'm a little sore! Not a fucking word!

Yeah, Tyler, shake your ass! Fuck you guys!

Hey.

You kids can't be in here.

Relax, old man,

we come bearing gifts.

You think you can shut me up with a lousy mickey of booze?

You're kidding.

What? It's my personal stash.

Dude.

Make yourself at home.

Hey, this train goes through Toronto, right?

Toronto, yes?

Of course it does.

Hey, uh, mind if I have a little hit?

Beat it.

Hey.

So, did you want to...

I'll pass.

Oh, come on, Nick.

I know you're not turning this down, right?

Sasha, I made a mistake.

You had sex with me by mistake?

What, did you slip and fall and accidentally...

We were drunk.

We had a one-night stand. It was good, but that's it.

It wasn't that good, so don't flatteryourself.

Look, I'm not going to law school.

I... I have a girlfriend.

Trish. I know.

And I'm going to go to Toronto and see her and...

and propose.

I'm, uh...

I'm going to ask her to marry me.

It's fake.

I know. It's temporary.

Kind of like me.

Yeah.

Someday somehow

I'm going to make it all right

But not right now

I know you're wondering when

You're the only one who knows that

Someday somehow

I'm going to make it all right

But not right now

I know you're wondering when...

We're here.

Guys, wake up! We're here.

We made it.

I can't believe we made it.

We got here with eight hours to spare.

Nick... Guys, about five days ago,

Toronto was a faraway dream, guys.

Nick! What?

No... No!

No, you told me we were stopping in Toronto.

You said"through Toronto."

You didn't say anything about stopping.

I can't believe I gave him the rest of my weed.

Montreal, huh?

Well, I guess we'd better make the best of it.

She's a very kinky girl

The kind you don't take home to mother

She will never let your spirits down

Once you get her off the street

Ooh

Whoo!

Roast beef and a side of titties. Are we in heaven or what?

She says that I'm her all-time favourite

Relax, dude.

Propose tomorrow. Propose in the fall.

All right? Who cares?

Especially now that Sasha's in the picture.

Just drop it, Tyler.

That girl is really wild now The girl's a super freak

The kind of girl you read about In new-wave magazines

That girl is pretty kinky

The girl's a super freak

Did you get through?

Yeah.

And?

As soon as dad found out I was in a strip club,

he offered me a plane ticket home.

You're not going home, are you, Sasha?

What about Toronto? What about your music?

This is just not my scene, Jill. I mean...

Please, Sasha, you can't, you can't just leave me.

I need you. Forget about Nick.

Just do it for me. Stay. Don't leave.

Don't leave, don't leave. Please.

Okay.

I'll stay.

She's a super freak Super freak

She's a very special girl

Well, I'm still hungry. Who wants thirds?

Oh, I'm in.

Hey, there.

Can I interest you boys in a little... dance?

Nope.

Well, how about a massage, then?

We're fine.

Well, at least buy a drink.

Can't afford it.

This isn't a deli. You can't just come here and eat.

Look, lady,

unless those are breasts of chicken

that you're packing, we're not buying.

Right.

R-row!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Hey.

The sign says, "All you can eat fortwo bucks."

We paid it, asshole.

Hey, she said I could touch her. I had permission, dammit.

You know what? Le Pamplemousse.

Hey, these guys are Swollen Members.

No, they're not.

Swollen's in Toronto performing at the awards.

Our set's not forthree hours.

We thought we'd get a lap dance before we hit the road.

Prev fucked it up, though. Wasn't my fault.

You guys are going to T.O?

Yo, ourflight leaves in, like, an hour.

Why, you guys need a lift?

Nick,

Swollen Members have video games on the airplane.

Oh, Prevail. You're such a riot.

Ladies and gentlemen, the MMVAs.

Welcome to the Much Music Video Awards,

Featuring, live, Avril Lavigne...

Hey, these are live. Aren't we missing them?

No, man, relax. It's just a pre-game.

We'll be right on time.

...Fifi Dobson, Pilate and Swollen Members.

It's kind of frustrating, isn't it?

What is?

We haven't been alone since the Prairies.

Yeah, that sucks.

And here we are on a private jet,

a few... miles high.

Yeah, it's awesome.

Miles high.

Oh. Oh... oh!

Shh.

As usual, the party continues here

at the big pre-game show, and look at this.

The best part about this red carpet

is all the stars who show up, and here's a famous one,

record producer Mr. Lenny Swackhammer.

How are you, sir?

Oh, shit. It's Swackhammer, man.

You know that guy?

Everybody knows the Swack.

You got three nominations this year.

How do you think you're gonna fare?

It's Hammertime, baby. Who's yourfriend?

Trish?

Who's Trish?

It's my girlfriend. Are you sure?

Okay. Shh, shh.

No, no.

Oh, god.

Please, I'm not even here. Come on, shh. It's okay.

Hey, I love you guys.

Yeah, you guys too.

Swollen Members.

Yeah.

Uh...

It's, uh, sweat.

Are you aware of what you make me feel

Baby right now I feel invisible to you

Like I'm not real

Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you

Why did you turn away

Here's what I have to say

I was left to cry there waiting outside there

Grinning with a lost stare

The action continues. Swollen Members have arrived.

Mocha, Avril just got on. You guys are next.

Whatever, George. Whoo. I rock!

'Cause you weren't there when I was scared

I was so alone

You...

You need to listen

I'm starting to trip I'm losing my grip

And I'm in this thing alone

Yo.

Whoo-hoo!

Gob!

Gob is here, and they're drinking free booze.

All right!

Who the fuck is this guy?

Uh, it's our little bitch.

He performs tricks and simple errands.

You want to borrow him?

Sure.

Beat it.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for Trish Robinson.

She's an intern here. She's got long blonde hair...

Oh, rocket of an ass, right?

Yeah, she's totally around.

Know what? Try the other side.

Thanks. Hey, can I buy you a free drink?

Uh, honey, don't you think we have some unfinished business

to attend to? What? Here?

Mm-hmm.

Where?

Trish!

Nick?

Hey!

Oh, my god. What are you doing here?

I came to see you.

Oh, you're such a sweetheart.

We need to talk.

It's so good to see you.

Let's go somewhere a little bit more private.

If you don't care then I don't care

We're not going anywhere

Deep throat this, bitch.

You can do it.

Tom, the fruit tray.

That's good.

You guys rock!

Hey, guys.

What's going on? That was awesome.

Good show. Good show.

Who's the cowboy?

He's no cowboy.

He's a banana-eating, deep-throating bitch.

You want him?

No, I want a beer.

Give her a beer.

That's not beer.

That's water.

That sucks.

To the green room!

You guys are great. That was funny.

Let's go!

Okay. Outside, I'll meet yas.

Excuse me.

Do you work for me?

No.

Well, you should.

'Cause you would make an outstanding assistant.

What do you say

we go somewhere...

swing the Hammerfor a while? Um...

Hammer, you're on five.

Yeah, thanks.

Swing the Hammer later, yeah?

Sash, Avril Lavigne just got me wet

in the pants.

That's great, Tyler. Look, I'm leaving.

What?

Yeah. Look...

tell Jill I'm sorry.

I'm taking my plane ticket, and just tell her...

ljust want to go home, okay?

All right.

I'm sorry about Nick.

I know guys can be jerks.

But Avril Lavigne's hot!

Hey, what's going on?

Are you ready? Well, give it up.

Swollen Members!

My motorcycle rings are flooded I'm star studded

You motherfuckers not going to be able to cut it

Listen bitch I'm a tough act to follow

Suck my dick And here's a nut sack to swallow

Want to get personal close and intimate

Listen kid I'm a whole different instrument

Mental I'm not sentimental I'm intricate

It's impossible not to get into it

My intent to vent is not innocent...

Wow.

...Of being real filthy with these menacing ways

It's time to finish your phase

I'm proof that raw adrenaline and energy pays

You're done your time is up

It's a brand-new beat now turn it up

Swollen's been coming up

So watch these motherfuckers burn it up

You're done your time is up

It's a brand-new beat now turn it up

Swollen's been coming up

Now watch these motherfuckers...

I can't.

I can't do this.

What is it?

I wasn't faithful.

You had a fling?

She wasn't a fling.

Well, who was she? Do I know her?

No. No, I met her on the way here.

She was...

She was hitchhiking.

You're dumping me for a hitchhiker?

I'm sorry.

I'm a hurricane pop with the speed of a cheetah

Believe in the new school 'cause it pees on the leaders

You're done your time is up

Never mess with a black belt, asshole.

Swollen's been coming up

So watch these motherfuckers burn it up

You're done your time is up

It's a brand-new beat now turn it up

Swollen's been coming up

Now watch these motherfuckers burn it up

Sasha!

Sasha!!

You marry Trish, you die.

What?

She's no good foryou.

No shit.

What do you mean?

We broke up, you psycho.

I want Sasha.

Oh.

Who the hell are you?

My name's Emile.

Your parents hired me.

My parents?

Yeah.

Kind of weird, huh?

Yeah.

All right.

In honour of Gob's kick-ass new album,

famed record producer Mr. Lenny Swackhammer

is here to present them with an honorary MMVA.

Thank you, George.

You know, the truth is...

Okay, I'm coming. Oh, god.

...recording artist while these kids

were still learning their g-o-bs.

But I digress. I digress.

Yeah. Okay, come on.

Bring it home to mama.

Oh, baby, yes! Oh, my.

...to present to...

Oh, my god.

I love you guys!

Dude, are you okay?

Oh!

So wrong, yet so funny.

Dime, are you all right?

Are you kidding? You were amazing.

Guys, get in.

Where are we going?

Does it matter? Not really.

Go, go, go, go, go!

Good luck.

[Darkness's"Growing On Me" playing]

Sleeping in an empty bed

I can't get you off my head

And I won't have a life until you're dead

Yeah you heard what I said

I want to shake you off but you just won't go

And you're all over me

But I don't want anyone to know

That you're attached to me that's how you've grown...

Hey, wench.

Get me some tartar sauce.

Damn compact, fuel efficient...

Look, buddy,

if you call me a wench one more time,

I swearto god, I'm...

Sasha, I need to speak with you right now, please.

Excuse me.

Right now, please, Sasha.

Hey, there! You fellers lost or what?

Whoa! They got surfing here?

Yeah. You guys ride, do you?

Are you kidding me? We're from Tofino, man.

That means yes.

Hey, are you guys Sasha's brothers?

Could be. Who's asking?

I'm Nick. I'm...

Oh, man.

I think this is the place.

Where's Sasha?

Over across the bay, flogging fish and chips.

I've got to see her.

I'm afraid not, boy. Ain't a chance in hell of seeing she.

Guys, we drove all the way here

just so I could apologize. Now...

If I have to take beats to tell her I'm sorry,

you know what? Just get it over with.

Go on, run for it, Nick!

All right.

Well, you guys got some ol' guts. I'll give you that much.

Especially that one.

Oh, my god. It's... fucking cold!

He's not much of a paddler,

is he, boys?

Hey, easy on the boy.

It's his first time.

I hope he climbs betterthan he swims.

Here's your bowl of jiz.

Oh, you're good.

Ow.

Aw, shit!

Nick?

Sasha.

What happened to you?

Oh, I, uh... I met your brothers.

Why are you here?

Trish turn you down?

No. No, I never proposed.

So you came here to collect second prize.

Doesn't work that way, Nick. Try not to fall on your way down.

Oh, come on, Sasha. Ljust scaled a cliff.

Hey, wench! Think you can pull yourself away from your man-whore

long enough to get me a beer?

Listen, you creepy little man!

Sasha!

What?

Take it outside now.

Come with me.

Oh, wow.

It's beautiful.

Yeah, you know, trees, rocks,

ocean, iceberg.

Look, Sasha, I came here because I...

To sleep with me by mistake again?

Oh, no, no, no. For real this time.

I mean, I couldn't turn you down in that get-up.

Am I still the biggest mistake you ever made?

Oh, god. That's cold.

Oh, my god.

Yourfriends are a bunch of idiots.

Yeah. Yeah.

It's a whale, dude.

Dude, my balls are curling into my abdomen. I'm turning back.

No, you can't. They're going to think we're pussies.

We're from Tofino, man. Tofino!

Tyler, that is an iceberg.

It's a fucking iceberg.

No shit, man. It's awesome.

Let's piss on it. Yeah!

What a wonderful world

Whoo! Whoo!

Yeah.

Whoo! Whoo!

Aah!

Aah, I'm going backwards.

Use your penis as a propeller.

I was producing platinum-winning accord...

Whatever I'm saying,

I can't fucking remember the words.

Relax. It's probably just a ticket.

We can't afford a ticket, Tyler.

Wanna kiss him?

Uh, Job says,

"Thou shalt not insert anything into his rectum."

I want to.

"Under any circumstance."

Jesus is calling.

What's your name?

Go on, kiss it.

Looks good on you!

Holy shit.

[Sum 41's"Open Your Eyes" playing]

Drop the corn.

Unless you know how to use it.