Original subtitles

So... Nina tells me

that, uh, your friend Todd

from film school is lighting a fire

under you as a director?

Yes. Yes, sir. That is true. Hmm...

Good, good. Oh.

Well, I, uh,

wanted to see you outside of the office

because I have some great news for you.

As you know,

uh, I have wonderful contacts.

Um, one of whom,

my friend Gregory, is a billy.

Oh, wait, so his name is Billy?

It's so obvious you don't have money.

No, he's a billionaire.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.

So that makes you a milly?

Yes. And that makes me...

A disappointment.

Anyway,

he's invested in my foam company,

and he's very keen to invest in a film company.

Oh. Why? Because he's a billy

and he always has to find new ventures...

So he doesn't become a milly? Stop being silly.

Anyway, um, I told him

I had a son-in-law.

I, um,

purposely omitted the words

"I don't like him."

Thank you.

Actually, I lied. I led with that.

But I did tell him that you were very talented

and that you, uh, directed a wonderful commercial

for my newest foam product,

and he wants to see it

this weekend.

Wait a minute. Uh,

I never directed a commercial for you before.

You're scaring me.

Good.

Why are we laughing?

I don't know. Oh.

But you better get started

because you have exactly two days

to make my latest invention a household name.

Behold, the travel roller,

aka the mini.

Oh.

Uh... that looks like it's, um...

For carpal tunnel.

Yes, and for reaching

tension in isolated areas of the body.

The best part--

it vibrates.

Okay, now I know I've seen that before.

No, you couldn't have.

This is a brand-new, patent-pending invention.

And here's another thing.

I want you to convince

your father to be the spokesman for the mini.

I'm dead serious.

Oh.

So, Dad, um, I need your help

to introduce the world

to JJ's revolutionary new product.

It's really not that new.

I've had one since college.

Uh, it's completely new,

and I will demonstrate.

You just turn it on,

you roll it along your forearms.

Feel the tension

leaving my body already.

Wrong isolated area.

So, I think we need

to get on the same page.

And I have exciting news for you, Dad.

Oh. JJ has

chosen you to be the spokesperson

for this innovative new product.

Okay, before I tell you where you can put that thing...

...I want to ask you a couple of questions.

Okay. Firstly,

how much is he paying me for this?

Uh, nothing. It's pro bono.

It sure is. Huh?

What?

Second question is:

how much is he gonna pay you to do this?

Same as you, but I am willing to split my pro bono with you.

It's known as a semi-bono.

All right, son, my last question is:

is there a commission?

Uh, no, Dad, this is

a opportunity for you.

No, this is an opportunity for JJ

to take advantage of both of us.

See, that's why

I don't like him or his stupid

foam roller product.

Because he wants to make a fool

out of me and you.

So that's a maybe?

No, that's a no.

Hmm, okay, cool,

so I'll just, uh, leave it here.

You can play around with it

and, um, give me your decision tomorrow.

What part of "no" don't you understand, boy?

I'll give it a look-see.

Oh, yeah.

♪ Poppa's ♪

♪ House ♪

♪ Yeah. ♪

This whole advertising game is one big racket.

They like to use

celebrities to get you

to buy their crappy products.

If they could,

they'd have Robert De Niro selling phones.

Be like, "You talkin' to me?"

"You talkin' to me?

You can't be talkin' to me because you're out of minutes."

Okay. Poppa, what's with the sudden rant?

It's my son,

who's a pretty good artist--

he's whoring himself out

for a man who's not even gonna pay him for his hard work.

Tell me, Poppa, you never even once

sold yourself out a little bit

to get where you are now?

Yeah, once, but they didn't have

the Internet back then.

And thank God I destroyed that tape

and it'll never see the light of day.

I have so much I could say to you right now,

but since I'm in

an incredibly relaxed mood...

...I'm just gonna let it go.

So, what did your father say?

Uh, he's not convinced. Oh.

Yet. So I wrote a script

that I know you're gonna love

'cause you're a Shakespeare guy.

It's a parody on King Lear.

King Lear?

Really? For... for foam?

Yeah, makes it regal. Like you.

You had me at "regal."

I'm listening.

All right.

"King Lear,

"muscular and youthful,

"sort of a Junior type,

"enters his palace

and unsheathes a foam roller mini like a sword."

"Hark. Attend, good folk,

"and mark well this strange device.

"'Tis none other than the foam roller mini,

"a staff most wondrous, for in my days,

"when battles sore, my wrists grow weary

from smiting thine enemies."

"But lo,

"this cylinder can bring relief

where naught else might suffice."

"For if a king may find sweet solace here,

then so, too, might his maiden."

Boop.

Well?

Oh. Bravo!

Thank you. I like it.

And we don't need your father.

I shall play King Lear.

Oh, uh, well, uh, it says, "muscular and youthful,

uh, sort of a Junior type,"

so I was, I was thinking maybe I could play...

The jester.

You shall play the jester to my Lear.

Good, good.

Great idea.

So, I shall go learn my lines.

♪ And I know it's gonna be ♪

♪ A lovely day ♪

♪ Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day... ♪

Hey!

What the hell are you doing?

Why are you talking about me

on your stupid podcast?

Oh, hey, that's my show.

I talk about my life.

So talk about your life, not mine,

not my family's, okay?

Your show turned us into a meme

on social media. Look at this.

Right?

It's not funny.

Dad, you questioned my integrity

in front of the world.

Now I feel like I can't even, like,

say anything to you in confidence

without you blabbing about it

on your stupid podcast.

Look, what do you want from me?

An apology.

On air.

Yeah...

that's just not my brand, though.

Your brand?

Yeah, I'm unapologetic.

That's what the people love about me.

Yeah, well, I'm not "the people."

Okay? I'm your son.

And if you don't feel the need

to say you're sorry about calling me a whore,

then I don't feel the need to ever speak to you again.

Oh, well, when does

this vacation begin?

Right after I call you a big, fat jerk,

you big, fat, stupid, bald jerk.

What did you say to me?

"Up yours."

Okay.

Now, this person-- I won't name names,

'cause he'll get all mad at me,

but he lived in my house

he ate all my food,

and if you sprinkle a little gray in his beard,

he looks just like me--

that guy

has decided he's never going to talk to me again.

Well, I don't blame him.

I mean, you called him a whore.

And he is your son.

Now the secret is out.

Everybody's gonna know who it is.

I was trying

to respect his privacy.

Listen, I agree with Junior.

You should apologize to him,

and then maybe he'll start speaking to you again.

I don't care

if the whole world stopped talking to me.

Really? Yes.

What if I stop speaking to you?

No,

please don't make my ears happy.

Okay. Done.

I'm gonna join Junior in his silent protest.

Chatty Cathy,

you couldn't last five minutes without talking.

Want me to prove it?

I'll do the podcast by myself. Both roles.

Poppa,

you need to respect

his boundaries.

Oh, hush up, woman.

That's my son.

He needs to learn how to accept criticism.

Oh, P-Bear,

when you say it like that,

it makes all the sense in the world to me.

You are a big, fat jerk,

and I'm never speaking to you again.

Less than 30 seconds.

For if a king might find sweet solace here,

then so, too, may his maiden.

♪ There once was a king ♪

♪ With a sword of foam ♪

♪ He had a lot of words ♪

♪ But he said them wrong ♪

♪ Fa-la, la-la-la, la-la-la... ♪

Cut, cut, cut!

What are you doing?

You're dancing around me like a fool.

I'm the jester. That's what we do. We jest.

No, you're a fool.

And what is she doing?

There were no cell phones back in olden times.

What do you care?

I literally have nothing to do,

so I figured I'd just get some work done.

Work? Arrest this woman.

All right, all right, guys. Look,

honey, please put the phone away.

We're gonna go from the top,

pick up the pace.

All right? And...

action.

Hark. Cut!

Why am I saying "hark"?

I mean, everyone knows I'm there.

I mean, wh-what is my motivation for "hark"?

You're saying "hark" so people pay attention, okay?

All right. From the top.

On my "action."

Action.

Hark. Cut.

Damn it. No, no.

How about, how about this? How about this?

What if my daughter said something like,

"Hark, the king has arrived," hmm?

Uh, all right, ready?

Action, she.

Hark. Cut.

She wouldn't say that. In fact, she wouldn't even be

allowed to speak back then.

I-In fact, to be honest, I-I think

we should be burning her at the stake.

And action.

Line?

"Hark." Cut.

That's lunch. You don't say "cut."

Okay?

I am the director, so I say "cut."

And I did not say you can go to lunch.

I'm paying for all this. Dad,

you put Junior in charge, let him direct you.

But I do-eth not respect-eth his vision-eth.

You see, this is why I wanted to play...

The fool?

Because that's what you are.

I am not the fool.

And I'm smart enough to know

that you are a terrible actor

and an even worse spokesman for your own damn product.

And for those reasons, you, sir, are fired.

Well.

Until you bend the knee to me,

I will not speak to you again.

I shall nay bend the knee.

Then good hark.

What are you doing?

You just fired my dad from his own commercial.

I don't like the way he speaks to me. Neither do I,

but I think you're mad at the wrong dad.

He won't apologize, so I'm not speaking to him.

But you have to.

Look, I know your dad can dish it out

but he can't take it,

so why don't you give him

a little taste of his own medicine?

Interesting.

Or another angle... Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

...we all know my dad can dish it out

but he can't take it, right?

If you say what I just said...

He can dish it out but he can't take it,

so why don't I give him a taste of his own medicine?

What are you, what are you doing?

Lighting myself on fire.

You know, I don't think

women understand

the value of silence to a man.

You could actually give him a piece of quiet

for an anniversary gift,

and he'll say, "Thank you, baby."

But don't ruin it

by going, "You're welcome."

What, nothing? Still noth... Oh.

Well, well, well, look, we have another

silent but deadly guest here.

I'm not gonna be silent anymore,

because I found the Achilles' heel on your club foot.

That's funny, I like that.

You can dish it out but you can't take it.

A sentence I came up with

all by myself without the help of my wife.

Really? Son, have a seat.

There's nobody sitting there anyway.

But let me tell you something, Junior.

There's nothing that can come out of your mouth

that will ever make me feel even an ounce of shame.

Oh, Dad.

I thought you might say that, which is why I brought

a taste of your own medicine.

Open wide, 'cause here comes a big old fat spoonful of Mom!

Wait, no fair. You can't bring your mother in

to fight your battles.

This is between me and you.

Oh, he is my son.

Now, I spent 36 hours,

27 minutes and 14 quite painful seconds

birthing him into this world, so I refuse

to let a man who lost his hair at the ripe old age of 23

publicly humiliate him.

Did you just call me a fat spoonful?

Of sugar. To help the medicine go down.

Thank you. Focus, Mom.

Catherine, what are you doing here?

I thought you couldn't come out in the daylight.

I have stories to tell.

I know where all of the bodies are buried

and I brought my shovel.

And you know the first thing that I dug up

for your streaming audience is this.

Does this look familiar to you,

Mr. Integrity?

Not at all. Mm.

Okay, well, then, let me refresh your memory.

The year:

1989.

We were still living in that small apartment in Harlem,

and we were three months behind on the rent when you said

you had no choice but to do this little commercial.

You wouldn't dare.

Oh, I certainly would.

Because I...

just so happen to have this

VHS player.

You left it to me in the divorce.

Catherine, you better not.

What you gonna do? Divorce me? Again?

Yo, what's up?

It's your boy Sweet D-D-D

in the place to be, be, be.

When I'm not putting down the sounds,

I'm spinning round and round,

cleaning up what y'all been putting down.

And if you hate those stains,

you want 'em unseen,

you better get some squeaky, squeaky, squeaky,

squeaky clean, clean, clean,

clean, clean, clean.

Ooh!

That's right, it's only $4.99,

and if you tell them you heard it from me, Sweet D,

you get this flush brush

for free, free, free, free, free.

Well, I got to go, get back to my flow.

Now you know.

Look, I had to do that.

The bills were due, you were pregnant.

A-And they said that was only gonna air in Istanbul.

That sounds like a lot of excuses.

Look, Dad, I don't judge you for that, okay?

You did what you had to do

to take care of us and start your career.

Okay, so what do y'all want from me?

An apology.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

For what?

That I left you that VHS player

in the divorce.

Okay? Fine? You happy?

No. We want our own individual apologies.

Fine. I'll start with the person I hate the most.

I'm listening. Okay.

Catherine, I'm sorry that I talked about your son

to the point where you felt

you had to come here and defend him.

Thank you.

Ivy,

I apologize for being slightly,

maybe a little offensive to you,

and doing

this podcast by myself sucks.

You had me at "Ivy."

Thank you for that.

And most of all, I apologize to my son Damon Jr.

for publicly humiliating you.

It's...

how I was raised.

You know, I wanted to be a DJ

since 14 years old.

But my father thought it was a stupid idea,

so he made me work with him at the supermarket.

I remember one day, I'm in the back,

telling my coworkers about my dream of spinning records

at the Audubon Ballroom.

My father walks in

and says,

"How you gonna fill up a ballroom

"when you can't even fill up a soda display?

"You ain't gonna be no DJ,

you lazy bum. Get back to work."

And I was hurt.

So I confronted him.

And as punishment, when I got home,

he threw away all my DJ equipment.

Records, everything.

So I left home at 14

to prove him wrong.

I didn't know any of this.

Yeah.

There's a lot you don't know about me, son.

But I, uh,

only want what's best for you.

And I hope you forget that commercial.

What commercial?

Come here, man.

Love you, Dad.

I love you, too.

The foam roller mini,

a staff most wondrous. Ah...

For in my days, when battles sore...

...my limbs grow weary with smiting mine enemy.

But lo, this cylinder can give relief

where none else might suffice.

♪ Ah, la, la ♪

♪ Ah, la-la-la. ♪

For if a king might find sweet solace here,

then so, too, may his maiden.

And the maiden will like it, too. Ha, ha!

I love it.

You were right, JJ.

This kid's a star, and your Lear was hilarious.

Oh, Gregory, thank you for believing in me,

thank you for investing in my company.

Well, you are proven.

But I'm looking forward to working with this one.

I mean, this

is a billy in the making.

Got the time frame on me being a billy or...?

Marker. So, Dad, I need your help

to introduce the world to...

So, Dad, I need your help...

Mm. All right, Dad,

stop having pity on me.

Can I have the... Just say my line,

he's like, "It's okay. You'll get there, little baby."

What are you doing? I'm about to light this thing on fire.

Give me a match. Come on.

Or... Mm-mm.

...why don't you light yourself on fire?

Hark.

Captioning sponsored by CBS

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org