Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

All right, there's your wee bag. You take it easy, thank you, sir. You.

You're the young fella that came all over my lake.

Hello.

You killed seven of my ducks feeding them your jism, you know that?

Seven.

I'll tell you what.

You come near my swan again

and I'll show you how deep that lake goes, OK?

You should be on a list, you know that?

Yeah.

DOG BARKS

Oh, sorry.

Hiya.

Uh, you're just heading into my home there.

Aye, you have a gas leak.

You'll need to stay somewhere else.

Can I get my stuff, at least?

I've got it for you.

OK. How long do you reckon it'll take?

I'm not a clock, mate, I just fix the leak.

DOOR SLAMS

Oh...

SLOW, SAD HARMONICA MUSIC

Yeah, so the gas company said it's going to be five days

before it's safe to go back.

So I've literally nowhere to go at the minute.

I'd actually love to let you stay

but my old man is finally tying the knot with my old man this weekend

and the stag party have dibs on all the couches, so.

Double the grooms,

double the fucking carnage.

There you go, love. Thanks, darling.

Why don't you stay at Lorcan's?

I'd rather not.

Why?

Um...

You know, in France, they call it la petite mort.

In England, we call it bumming.

Oh, well, thank the King, God and Queen for bumming, hey.

CALLUM CLEARS HIS THROAT

Oh, God, I forgot you were there.

Come on in.

Stay as long as you need.

Thank you very much.

You look really well, Callum.

As you know, it's a full-fat house.

If you want to bring your own semi-skimmed in,

that's more than all right.

Chicken dippers are in the freezer.

Help yourself.

And, yeah, that's everything.

Thank you, Lorcs.

Just want to say thank you so much for giving me Lorcan's number.

Things are going incredible.

Yeah, I'm absolutely delighted for both of you.

I almost feel a pressure in my head from how happy I am.

Fuck! He is just so gorgeous.

Well, I'm absolutely buzzing.

See the fun we're going to have this week,

just me, you, Gemma and my dad.

One of yous call the gobshite police,

I think we have a runner on the loose.

Hello, Mr Boggin.

Thank you very much for letting me stay the week.

Fuck off, you wee creep.

Absolutely will.

What's this wee girl's fanny pack doing here?

Er, that's mine.

Real men use ropes in their own blistered hands to lug things.

None of this shite.

Right, well, me and Gemma, we're away to do mummy and daddy stuff,

so we'll leave you boys to it, all right?

Bye-bye, Cally.

Are you going to stand there gawping all day

or are you going to help me shovel horse shit for five hours?

Can I just check my laptop?

No.

Out you go, come on! Hup, hup!

Callum, pet.

Yes, Mary?

You couldn't do me a wee favour could you?

What is it this time, Mary?

I'm just finished and I'm absolutely exhausted.

I've got an eight-hour shift coming up.

I was wondering if you'd want it.

When is it?

Right now, love.

Och, I know,

I hate to ask,

it's just my daddy's in the hospital with gallstones

and I don't trust them to give him his kosher meals.

I didn't actually know you were Jewish.

Oh, aye, we're Catholic Jews.

I see.

And how old is your dad?

113.

Right. And you don't know how long you have them at that age.

Yeah.

Please, Callum.

Well, what do I always say, Mary?

Apart from my time, my mental energy

and sometimes my literal money,

it costs nothing to be kind.

Ah, you're a wee star, Callum!

SHE LAUGHS

And don't I bleeding know it.

Hey, just cos I'm doing wedding stuff

doesn't mean you can ignore me.

I'm not ignoring you, I've just, I've been at work,

and I've been helping Lorcan's dad on the farm.

Why? Lorcan's dad's the biggest bastard in Ballymacnoose.

Oh, I know he is,

but whilst I'm living under his roof, I don't have much choice.

You know once locked me in the chicken coop with crazy Kenny?

Who's crazy Kenny?

Imagine Jaws, but with a man-eating cockerel instead of a shark.

Jesus, Jordan.

Yeah, I pissed my pants hard that day.

Hey, did you get the T-shirt I sent you?

Yeah, I did, it's...

It's honestly great.

I love it. Good.

I hope it makes up for me not letting you stay over.

I don't want you to do a Johnny McGormley on me, Callum.

I've already told you before, that's never going to happen.

Who borrows someone's PSP and then never gives it back?

Agreed, but you've got a PS5 now.

Yeah, but the portability of the PSP

offered a totally different way to play.

I know it did.

It's hard not to have trust issues when someone betrays you like that.

I'm never going to betray you, Jordan. If you say so.

Just make sure you reply to all my texts, OK?

I will, I will.

Like, do you want to hang out tomorrow?

I can't. It's my daddies' stag do.

But you get some rest.

You sound really flat and miserable.

Yeah, yeah.

I kind of feel like my general kindness

is being taken advantage of.

Like today, Lorcan... Bye, Cal.

Hello?

Jordan?

Ugh...

KNOCKING

GIRL GROANS

BOY GRUNTS

Oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

What the fuck?! It just got even bigger!

Fuck it.

SLOW HARMONICA MUSIC

Ah, will you look who it is.

The wee creep himself,

creeping about.

Sorry for interrupting you, Mr Boggin,

that was quite a tune you were tooting.

Aye.

I like to play to calm them.

I have a connection to the horses.

Something to do with their animalistic nature.

Something to do with the way they're able to shite everywhere

and not apologise for it.

Or could just be that our bollocks

are all the exact same size.

Something funny?

Oh, absolutely not, Mr Boggin.

What are you doing out here?

I was just strolling to clear the noodle.

Um, Lorcan and Gemma, they're quite

rigorous with the copulating right now.

Aye. As is the custom with a Boggin.

Yeah, well, me and Gemma,

we had a bit of a relationship before.

So you don't like to hear the sound of another man's cock

rifling into a filly you once held dear?

It is a little bit devastating.

Now my body just wants to let out a wee scream sometimes, like,

aaargh.

So...

Aye, I know the feeling.

Really?

I know what it's like to be different.

To feel like you just...

..don't belong.

Massive Balls Sammy, they called me.

I had testicles twice as large as the average 13-year-old boy.

Ha!

That was BEFORE puberty hit.

There were eight times larger by the end of the school year.

Jesus Christ.

Aye, they had their fun.

Slapping them with rulers

and prank calling the police to say

that I'd concealed bombs in my trousers.

I could handle it...

..until I couldn't.

It was the under-15s ballroom dancing squad tryouts.

Tight routines and even tighter sequins.

I attempted a chasse reverse turn

with a foxtrot fishtail

into a running finish.

I was halfway down the gallery before I realised that my balls

had exploded out the back of my apple bottoms.

A ballroom with no room for my balls.

I learned a harsh lesson that night.

Bastards rule the world, Callum Brown.

The sooner you realise that, the sooner you can start grabbing it

by the big, hairy bollocks.

BELL RINGS

Hi, how's it going?

Yeah, good.

Do you want me to double bag these fishes for you?

Yeah, as long as you don't cum all over them.

No, I'll not do that.

You're a pervert, you know that?

Sick little man, that's what you are.

Tell you what, I'm just going to be two seconds.

I'm just going to check where everyone is. Yeah, yeah.

Don't forget to wash after.

Sorry, sorry.

Um, sorry, folks,

I don't think yous are supposed to be on your break just yet.

I know, I'm not on my break.

I'm working away, la.

Right.

Would yous mind helping me out in there instead?

Can I smoke in there?

I think you know the answer to that one already, Mary.

Callum, I have arthritis

and I need CBD oil from this.

So I think I'll just stay here.

Yeah, and I've "autofreggerscave", Callum.

Tony, can you stop encouraging her?

Fuck off.

I am 75 years old, like.

Fuck's sake.

Doesn't matter what age you are, Mary, you're being cheeky.

And you're being a sad fucking loser that nobody likes

and nobody invites for a drink after work.

So I guess we've all got our problems.

THEY SUPPRESS LAUGHTER

Bastards rule the world, Callum Brown.

Start grabbing it by the big, hairy bollocks.

You're fired.

What?

Do you need me to wait for you to put your hearing aid in

or will I just say it a bit louder?

You're fired, Mary!

I've worked here for 50 years!

I don't give a flying frig, you wobbly tart.

And see yous two,

you can get back into that shop pronto!

Get!

HE SIGHS

MR BOGGIN: How was work?

It's good.

Real good. I thought it might be.

I noticed you didn't clean your cereal bowl this morning.

I knew something had begun to shift.

Some other frigger can clean it.

I took the liberty of throwing all your clothes in the bin.

They were a bit too...nice for my liking.

Meet me outside the barn in five.

Definitely an improvement.

We'll make a bastard out of you yet.

Thank you, Mr Boggin.

You can call me Sammy.

COUNTRY AND WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS

PHONE RINGS

Callum. Callum, why aren't you returning my calls?

I really hope you're not

going through any personality changes right now.

COUNTRY MUSIC CONTINUES

WHIP CRACKS

WHIP CRACKS

Well, I see you're getting along with the old fella.

Yeah, we're heading up Clondal Cemetery tomorrow on our quad bikes.

Going to tear that shit up.

He's a good man, your da.

I wouldn't go that far now.

You got something you want to say to me, big man?

Lorcey, don't.

There'll come a day when you're faced with a fork in the path, hey.

One the path of the good lad,

and one the path of the total... CALLUM SCOFFS

Callum Brown, listen to me.

One the path of the total and utter bastard.

And let me tell you, hey,

one's got a lot more potholes in there.

I did my time in nice-guy prison.

I ain't never going back.

This ain't you, mucker.

This is me.

You know what?

You're just jealous of my boots.

I mean, they are fucking hot, to be fair.

Whose boots do you think you have on?

Enjoy your wee chicken nuggets.

They're dippers!

I know what I said.

Eh!

DOOR CLOSES He's acting really weird, isn't he?

HE EXHALES SHARPLY

HE SIGHS

TEXT ALERT

MULTIPLE TEXT ALERTS

WOMAN SOBS

Fuck me, who died?

It's Mary, Callum.

Huh? She had a wee accident.

She got battered to death.

She wasn't battered to death, Tony.

She started a fight with a group of 14-year-olds

and they accidentally one-punch killed her.

Frig's sake, Mary, what have you done?

Aye, it turns out this job was the only thing

keeping aul Mary out of trouble.

Listen, Callum, I don't want you feeling bad.

You couldn't have known when you fired her

that she'd be murdered by a 14-year-old.

Nah, of course not, like. She was taking the mick, Mildred,

vaping at the tills, telling lies about her da.

Oh, poor man.

No father should lose their child.

He's alive?

Oh, aye, 113.

Incredible Catholic-Jewish genes.

I guess she would have lived as long too, if it hadn't

been for that single deadly punch she received after you sacked her.

HE GROANS

I... No...

Mildred, I literally don't care at all. So...

SHE GASPS

You know, I used to think

you were such a lovely wee sensitive lad,

soft as a lump of butter.

Well, how wrong I was.

Yeah.

Aye, very wrong.

BELT BUCKLE JINGLES

What's happening with your buckle there?

HE GRUNTS

Here, Mildred,

I'm going to take lunch early.

You want to hold down the fort till I'm back?

Nice one.

See yous later.

PHONE RINGS

RECORDING: This is Callum Brown's phone.

Please leave me a message

after the doot.

BEEP

Are you ready, big lad?

HE SIGHS

We've got a problem, Daddy.

I think you're going to have to postpone your wedding.

Uh, why?

Well, because the one thing I've learned over the past few days...

Jordan, we are not postponing our wedding.

I need to stop Callum from doing a Johnny McGormley on me.

Please!

Just be back before the reception, OK?

OK. No problem.

Callum?

Callum!

Callum?

Don't worry about that.

He outgrew them.

Mr Boggin. Oh, shit.

Just back from your first Holy Communion,

is it, Mr Pissy Pants?

Maybe you didn't get the memo, but I stopped doing

that a very long time ago.

Oh, did you now?

Let's see if I can't fix that.

Right, come on.

Out you go. Hup!

Oh, fucking hell.

Please, Mr Boggin.

Crazy Kenny doesn't like little boys in his coop.

CHICKEN CLUCKS

Oh! Oh, fuck!

Ah, just in time.

Callum?

Why are you dressed like a... Bastard?

I was going to say a paedophile from the '90s but, yeah, a bastard.

Yeah, I'm a bastard now, J-Man.

And bastards rule the world.

You've changed, Cal.

I frigging knew I couldn't leave you to your own thoughts.

Here, quick, let's stuff him in the coop.

Kenny's getting hungry. Oh, God! CHICKEN CLUCKS

JORDAN WHIMPERS

Callum, please!

Sorry. Please. I don't like that chicken!

CHICKEN CLUCKS

Oh, God!

Callum! Callum, Callum.

What?!

My daddy's wedding was supposed to be the best day of my life

and now it's turned into the worst.

Please, help me.

This is just who I am now, J-Man.

I've been rebaptised a bastard in the eyes of Christ.

And nothing's going to change it!

Nothing! No!

CHICKEN CLUCKS

No!

CHICKEN SQUAWKS

Oh, my God. Jordan...

I had, like, five Shloers this morning

when we were trying on our suits.

Jordan, I'm sorry... Get off!

MR BOGGIN LAUGHS

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

He pissed his pants and you're not even smirking.

Don't tell me you've gone soft.

No, Mr Boggin,

I haven't gone soft.

I think I was just soft all along.

MELANCHOLY HARMONICA PLAYS

MUFFLED POP MUSIC

Oh, I think a ghost just walked up.

Cos you're dead to me.

I deserve that, I do.

Jordan, your trousers.

Yeah.

Somebody made me piss myself.

Guess who?

Jordan, I'm sorry.

Look, if I had a time machine,

I wouldn't use it to go back and stop Hitler

or win the Thunderball.

I'd use it to go back and stop myself from acting

so heinously towards you lately.

Yeah. And if ifs and buts were candy and nuts,

we'd all have a merry Christmas, Callum.

I've got wedding stuff to be getting on with.

I'll see you later.

Yeah. Guess I'll just play

the PlayStation by myself out here.

Yeah, PlayStation in the Parish Hall car park.

Either you're a fucking idiot or you have

the world's longest extension lead.

Yeah.

Or the PlayStation is...portable.

Bought it today.

But look, if you're busy, it's fine. Don't worry about it.

I just thought since Johnny McGormley borrowed yours

and never gave it back, you might want to...

Yeah. No, it's all good.

Wait.

Maybe I could play for, like, five minutes.

Do you have Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops?

Yeah.

I do.

I've also got an illegal MP4

of Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen.

That is literally my favourite film.

I know it is, buddy.

THEY CHUCKLE