Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language, adult humour, and some scenes of a sexual nature

There's just something special about our wee country.

From the people to the places and the craic in between,

Northern Ireland is changing.

But don't worry, you can still get yourself a cowboy supper

and a pint any time you fancy.

So, why not come and join the fun?

Cheers!

HE SIGHS

Northern Ireland -

it's actually quite nice.

Hey, Cal. Yeah, Gerry man?

I think the TV is making me want to kill myself again.

Thank you, buddy. No problem.

You boys OK for bevvies?

Suppose silence is as good an answer as any, aye.

Cheers. Cheers. Cheers.

Mm.

Life don't get much better than this, does it, boys? Mm-mm.

Nope.

Who-can-drink-the-most race.

Go!

Oh, my God!

THEY GULP

Whisht.

Oh, my God. A girl in Ballymacnoose?

A girl, all right.

And with real catwalk elegance, too, hey.

Walks like she's got an orange between thon legs.

OK, let's just calm down a bit, boys.

She's probably just lost.

Shit.

I've got to get that bus in a minute.

BALER WHIRS

Wow.

What's this bit of kit?

VOICE CRACKING: This is a...this is a baler.

So it crushes boxes to reduce physical volume of waste.

LAUGHING: Oh...

That's funny.

Yeah, you're actually supposed to fold the boxes,

but sometimes I just slip in...

Oh...

Whoops.

SHE LAUGHS

Have you ever lay on top of someone and just...

stared in their face?

Whoa!

BALER WHIRS

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

LAUGHING: Oh, my God.

Callum, why's our plans for the weekend not been done already?

HE GIGGLES

HE MUTTERS

What the heck?

Who's Gemma?

It's absolutely none of your damn bee wax, J-Dog.

OK, we need to have a chat about boundaries,

cos yours are really starting

to get in the way of our friendship, Callum.

Give me my phone back.

I'll explain, but you have to promise

not to have one of your episodes again.

I promise.

Yeah.

Gemma is my girl, boys.

HE LAUGHS

And I'm seeing her this weekend.

OK, so she's coming here to play Star Clash.

No.

HE STRAINS AND MOANS

HE FARTS

OK.

OK, I think that's him tuckered now.

Yeah. There we go.

Thanks again, guys.

Er, absolute benefit to the community.

Cheers. Jordan McCafferty, what will we do with you now?

Aye, get you up. Come on.

There we go.

Flip me. Right, now.

Right...

Get that down your belly.

That'll get you warm.

Right... Talk to me, buster.

I'm just worried.

You have no idea what you're getting yourself into.

You have no need to worry about me, Jordan.

Oh, yeah? And what happens when you get postnut depression?

What's postnut depression? What?

Lorcan...

I believe it's when you shoot cum from your cock

and it makes you sad.

I don't want that for you, Callum.

Ah! Yeah, I can see what's happening here.

HE LAUGHS

Jordan McCafferty,

you're jealous.

Jealous? Mm-hm.

Sorry, Callum, but I saw enough boobs and ass

when I was on that family holiday in Portugal.

No harm to you.

More than jealous.

What you are is a gynophobe.

Well, I don't even know what that is.

Means you're scared of vaginas.

Scared of vaginas?!

Yeah. Sorry, have you seen my search history?

Yeah, I have actually, Jordan.

And it's absolutely dizzying.

Honestly, it's a testament to how us boys have got it all wrong.

They say women are from Venus.

Well, I met one,

and we weren't on no Venus, boys.

We were right outside McMullen's shop.

And she didn't speak no alien gobbledegook language, either, boys,

let me tell you.

I understood her.

Not just with my ears...

..with my heart.

You're talking like a massive pussy.

Ach, Jordan, now. That's exactly what I'm talking about, Jordan.

And you cum like a girl.

Jordan! What?!

You've went too far with that one, now.

No, he hasn't, Lorcan.

It's cos it's not true.

He hasn't.

Ah, well, no. O... Obviously, it's not true,

because, eh, Callum cums like a boy.

Always saying that about you.

DEEP VOICE: He wishes.

Excuse the lang right now, but I am sick of your damn...

HIGH-PITCHED: ..guff!

HE COUGHS

THEY INHALE AND EXHALE DEEPLY

Jordan... Let him go, Lorcs.

Let him go.

SHOUTS: I'm the one with the voice, can you not hear?

Well, congrats on getting a girlfriend.

HE LAUGHS

Yeah. Thank you, Lorcs.

That's what I wanted.

No, no, no, no, one of these. Come on.

Ah!

CALLUM LAUGHS

Come on.

Oh.

Listen, we can't be babies for ever, Lorcan.

LORCAN FLAPS LIPS

Jordan will be fine.

I'm going to fucking kill myself!

Don't do it, son.

You've so much to live for.

So much to live for?

24 years old

and I've never seen a pussy in real life.

The one time of the week I felt good about myself,

sitting down with my two best boys,

cracking open a Monster Tropi Punch,

safe in the knowledge that neither of them

saw a pussy in real life either.

So, tell me, Mary, what in the hot hell do I have to live for?

Tell my family I don't want them touching any of my organs.

It's so crazy that you've never had coffee before.

I'm a bit sensitive to the old substances.

Erm, had a Tetley's once and felt like I was on crack.

THEY LAUGH

I would never do the actual crack, though.

That'd be a nightmare.

Yeah, yeah, I...I have nightmares.

Like, literally all the time.

I'm...I'm screaming in my sleep every night. Oh, really?

Yeah. You say some stuff sometimes, you really do.

This is me, so...

HE FLAPS LIPS

Let's see...

Erm...

What is all that? That's embarrassing.

Erm, I had a list of questions,

but my hyperhidrosis has got the better of me.

Ruined the page.

It's like a...an ocean in the palm of your hand.

And I am so, so... WHISPERS: ..sorry about it.

KISSES SQUEAK

THEY LAUGH

Wow. Wow.

You've got soft lips. Sh...

HE GIGGLES

ENGLISH ACCENT: That was tasty.

Tasty.

I've got some balloons inside that need using...if you fancy it.

Erm... What do you say?

LAUGHING: That...

PHONE VIBRATES

Yeah? Oh... Getting a phone call.

Better take it first and then... Who is it?

Hello?

I'm going to need you to get to Jordan's ASAP.

What's going on there, Lorcs?

He's, eh, he's only gone and jumped off McCluskey's Bridge.

He's what?!

McCluskey's Bridge? That bridge is over water, Lorcan.

Jordan can't swim without his water wings.

Did he have his water wings?

I don't know, Callum. OK, right.

OK, Gemma, my best pal's in trouble,

and I need to go get him.

Really? I have to. I have to, Gem. Erm...

"If you're reading this, I've already crossed the Rainbow Bridge.

"I've carried on up the Khyber, whence I shan't return.

"I'm a ghost. I'm a ghost.

"But even in darkness, I hope my story can be a light,

"a cautionary tale of what happens when your friends betray you.

"Thanks a lot, Callum. You killed me."

Are you done?

It's a first draught, so...

Yeah. I thought you drowned.

Yeah. If you don't break up with her,

I honestly can't promise I'll not do it again.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Don't mind me, gents.

There you go, Jordie-bum.

All right, fellas? Hiya.

Sure we can't get you anything? No. No, thank you.

No, thank you.

Do you want owt else, Jordie?

I'm fine, Daddies!

Can't get a lick of sympathy from anybody in this bloody house.

Come here.

I know. I know, this is a trying time, Jordan,

but I really like this girl.

I've only known her two days,

and I'm already having intense feelings of love and devotion.

I think she might be the one, Gemma.

And if that ain't a good sign, then staple my cock to my arse

and call me a trumpet.

Toot, toot, toot.

See, if either of you boys went out with her instead,

I'd be as happy as a dog with two dicks -

happy at least one of us got to meet a real-life angel.

I tell you, only an angel could be fit for a king.

HE LAUGHS

Right. What do you say, mucker?

Will we give this little lady a chance?

Maybe jumping off that bridge to kill myself

was a little bit of an overreaction.

THEY LAUGH

Hug it out, bro?

Best friends again. Best friends.

HE LAUGHS

Ah.

That's good.

HE EXHALES HEAVILY

VIDEO GAME GUNFIRE

HE LAUGHS

And that, Gemma, is what Jordan calls peacekeeping deterrence.

Guilty as charged.

Yeah, it looks fun. Looks like a... it looks like a really fun game.

Yeah. Hey, Lorcan, can you pass me a Tropi Punch?

WHISPERS: I feel like I've got a bit of a headache, and I actually

wouldn't mind leaving this time.

I was just wondering if maybe we could go.

CALLUM WHISPERS

Erm, I'm just going to pop to the loo.

Callum,

she is bloody fantastic.

Yeah, you're punching, mate. You really are.

Boys, thank you very much.

Cheers. Cheers.

So, Gemma has a headache.

We're going to go walk to the park now.

I fucking knew it. As soon as she walked in here

without her own computer, I fucking knew.

She thought a LAN party was a party full of people called Alan,

and she apologised for it, Jordan.

What about Lorcan's pen pal?

Do you think Obinna in Nigeria can just join us at the fricking park,

Callum? OBINNA: Don't worry about me, boys.

I'm sorry, Obinna, I'm muting you.

I don't want you to hear us like this.

I don't think that's how mutes work.

If she has a headache, she can wear a screen protector

like everybody else. We're playing Star Clash.

Can we try and keep the confrontations here

to the front lines of planet Zuthara, please?

Maybe the lack of screen protector ain't the only thing

giving her a headache, Jordan.

Hey, guys, have you finished playing your little game yet?

Can we go? Yeah, we're done.

Callum, if you walk out that door, that's it.

You're never coming back.

WHISPERS: Fuck. Yeah, I am, Jordan.

I live here.

HE SCOFFS

So yous two need to leave as well.

Have you gone fucking insane, Callum?

I'm thinking more clear than ever.

Callum, what are you doing?

Callum, I swear, if you press that button,

I will go ape on you, brother.

You made me do this.

SWITCH CLICKS

THEY STRAIN AND GROAN

Lads, stop fighting.

Lads, stop fighting.

Lads. What the hell?!

Honestly, lads!

Ah!

Ah! Stop it! Don't play daft.

Ah! Ah!

Yous are breaking my heart.

I'll kill you, you motherfu...! Ow!

Ah!

Oh, my God, Lorc. Oh, my God.

Your lip. Your lip.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my...

Yes, you finally find out what it looks like...

..when doves cry.

HE EXHALES HEAVILY

I shouldn't have turned it off at the mains like that.

It was a freaking insane thing to do, Gemma.

Yeah, but he was acting like an absolute baby.

Yeah, Jordan's taking the scenic route through mental development,

but Lorcan - his lip.

And the nicest bloody smile in all Antrim.

Hey!

Look, you've got me, don't you?

Yeah.

Callum...you are so different from any of the other men

that I've ever gone out with.

Strong, rugged, good-looking...

..I'm sick of that rubbish.

You're like a sexy Yorkshire terrier.

HE LAUGHS

That's just about the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh! Callum, look.

Would you...

Would you like to have a ride on the swanie?

In England, we...we call swans swanies.

And...and then we also call tennis tenny when...

When actually, we do really mean, erm, the... Tennis.

Yeah. Yeah.

Wow.

The evolution of language is a beautiful thing. Hmm.

All right, folks?

Any of yous been in one of these cunts before?

Well...do you want to?

Yeah. After you. Yeah.

Welcome aboard. Hello.

Hello. Hiya. Hop on.

MOOING AND BLEATING

PIG SQUEALS

Jesus Christ, Lorcan, I'm so sorry.

It'll heal, it'll heal.

It's this. This is what I'm worried about.

I hate seeing you boys fighting, like.

We made a pact when we were 12.

Either all of us get girlfriends and have 24/7 blowjob parties

or none of us do.

Jordan, they were halcyon days, hey.

But we thought blowjobs were something you gave your Game Boy

when they were dusty then.

It's like thon piggies in there -

and I love every one of them to bits, I do -

but will it stop me from unloading 190lb per square inch

of pressure into their wee skulls? No.

Because they're ripe for it, Jordan.

And so's Callum.

Can I do one in?

Absolutely, hey.

I'm going to blow his fucking head off. Wait, now,

it is a professional abattoir, now,

so don't be messing about too much, please.

Jordan, just...

SMOOCHING

They're little boys.

I am the daddy.

And if you're the daddy, I'm the mummy.

HE LAUGHS

Sounds good to me.

Mwah.

What's that? Callum Brown,

I...am going to mash you like potatoes.

Wha... I hope you're ready.

Er, what are you doing?

CLEARS THROAT

Just relax, OK?

Erm, are you sure you want to do this?

Yeah, absolutely, yeah.

It's all good. Just go with it.

Hmm. There's a guy over there.

Yeah. It's fine.

Ah...

Flip me. Ah! Flip me.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, frig me, boy.

Ah!

Frig me. Yeah?

It's all good. It's all gravy.

I just don't want a family slipping on the hoo-hah.

Cally, you just shoot your rope into the flotsam.

Don't you worry. OK.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah-ah-ah!

Ah! Hah!

Ah-ah!

WAILING QUIVERS

Oh!

Ah...

Oh, fuck.

Mm.

Gemma... Oh, no...

That's incredible.

Oh, God. Gemma, that was incredible.

Erm, er, I think it's... I think it's happened again.

Come her, come here. Er, no, no, I'm, er...

I'm sorry, Callum.

Er...

Well... I...

What is it?

I think I...

I think I've got a little bit of postnut depression.

Well, do you not need to actually crescendo yourself

for that to happen? No. I...

Look, Callum, I've...I've just been effing and jeffing for connection.

I've just been mashing my way through life,

grabbing hold of one cock after another cock.

Just like, sort of rock climbing style.

And I... Yeah, I just...I just don't think it's very fair to you or me.

Was it something I did, Gemma?

That you came like a woman? No, not that.

Would a cuddle help? No. Absolutely not.

I...

To be honest, I think what I really need

is just a little bit of space.

We're in the lake. Yeah, no, it's all good.

Gemma...

# Ooh, ooh Look at this mess we made

# Ooh, ooh It'll never be the same

# Ooh, ooh Look at this mess we made... #

HE SIGHS

Three boxes of chicken dippers, please.

Yeah.

Big night planned? Yeah.

We'd invite you, but you're probably busy with what's-her-name?

Nah.

Dumped her.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Erm, I got that postnut depression thing

you were talking about.

I was like, COOL VOICE: "Fuck this."

Just like...

JORDAN LAUGHS

Oh, yeah? Yeah. She was...

She was crying and crying.

And she went into the park bathrooms.

MOCK-SOBBING: Crying.

It was funny. And, like, screaming into a tissue.

She was tripping up and falling over

and, like, fell on her... Actually bust her nose and all.

It was fucking funny.

That does sound funny.

I really fucking missed you, man.

Hug it out?

Fucking hug it out.

THEY SOB

THEY LAUGH

ALL: Chicken dippers!

Whoo! Boys, it's good to be back.

How would yous like some fizz with thon dippers?

Er, yes, please. There you go.

Let me hear the sound of that sweet, sugary sizzle, boy.

THEY LAUGH

Some for you, sir?

JORDAN AND CALLUM: Mm! Mm! Mm! Mm!

Who-can-drink-the-most race. Go!

Oh, my God.

PHONE VIBRATES

Erm, hello, Gemma?

Hey, Cally.

Oh, my God, I'm so glad you called.

I've missed you so much.

I'm ready to admit that I came like a woman.

I was just wondering, could you do me a favour?

Yeah, absolutely.

And I think I'd crawl through broken glass for you, Gemma.

Do you have Lorcan's number, by any chance?

I know that might be a little bit of a weird request,

but I...I just really like his hair

and I found myself just sort of gravitating towards him, and...

And...

# Say we're living on a knife

# Saying there's an afterlife

# Won't you let me go?

# Won't you let me go?

# Say we're running out of time

# Repetition of an alibi

# Won't you let me go?

# Just let me go

# Symptomatic of an addict

# Everything is problematic

# I don't want to... #