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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,821 --> 00:00:07,748
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,916 --> 00:00:11,735
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,754 --> 00:00:14,738
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,757 --> 00:00:18,091
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,244 --> 00:00:21,336
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
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00:00:21,430 --> 00:00:23,080
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,098 --> 00:00:24,264
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:30,195
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:39,038
Welcome to our home,
11
00:00:39,265 --> 00:00:42,357
and thank you all so much
for coming to celebrate
12
00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:45,769
our dear Lois
and her wonderful husband,
13
00:00:45,862 --> 00:00:47,212
uh, Peter.
14
00:00:47,439 --> 00:00:50,457
I know Carter wanted
to say a few words.
15
00:00:50,609 --> 00:00:52,125
Poor, unfunny, fat.
16
00:00:52,278 --> 00:00:54,202
Oh, and the sprinklers
come on at 4:00.
17
00:00:54,296 --> 00:00:56,388
I don't know how to change that,
so we have until then.
18
00:00:56,540 --> 00:00:57,948
Beautifully said.
19
00:00:58,041 --> 00:00:59,466
Wow.
20
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:00,801
Lot of years for us.
21
00:01:00,953 --> 00:01:01,952
Uh-huh.
22
00:01:02,121 --> 00:01:03,303
Hey, so what do you think
about dinner?
23
00:01:03,455 --> 00:01:05,972
Oh, God, I'm so tired
of thinking about dinner.
24
00:01:06,125 --> 00:01:06,973
I-I don't know.
25
00:01:07,126 --> 00:01:08,125
Well, what are you
in the mood for?
26
00:01:08,218 --> 00:01:09,793
Okay, that's just
another version
27
00:01:09,886 --> 00:01:11,219
of the same question.
28
00:01:11,238 --> 00:01:13,388
Oh, I've collected
nine finalists
29
00:01:13,482 --> 00:01:15,482
for our new end table.
We should talk.
30
00:01:15,634 --> 00:01:18,652
Will each one be instantly
overcrowded by three items?
31
00:01:18,804 --> 00:01:20,746
-Absolutely.
-Great.
32
00:01:20,897 --> 00:01:22,915
So where did we land,
dinner-wise?
33
00:01:23,066 --> 00:01:24,750
If I could have
everyone's attention,
34
00:01:24,901 --> 00:01:26,993
it's time to present
Peter and Lois
35
00:01:27,146 --> 00:01:29,313
with a very special
anniversary gift.
36
00:01:29,406 --> 00:01:32,149
Yes, we really went all out
this year.
37
00:01:32,167 --> 00:01:34,927
Okay, "we" is
an insane characterization,
38
00:01:35,154 --> 00:01:36,169
but here it is.
39
00:01:36,322 --> 00:01:38,430
A brand-new Range Rider!
40
00:01:40,083 --> 00:01:41,583
That's it? Aw, crap.
41
00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:43,994
It looked so much bigger
in the SkyMall magazine.
42
00:01:44,012 --> 00:01:45,512
That's a rookie move, man!
43
00:01:45,664 --> 00:01:48,515
Lois, I'm sorry. I-I didn't
realize it was a toy car
44
00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:49,683
for a child. I can...
45
00:01:49,835 --> 00:01:51,593
It's fine, Daddy. Really.
46
00:01:51,687 --> 00:01:54,004
I-I bet Stewie
might enjoy playing with it.
47
00:01:54,022 --> 00:01:55,763
Will there be, like...
48
00:01:55,858 --> 00:01:57,616
a replacement gift or no?
49
00:01:57,693 --> 00:02:00,694
That's very sweet, Lois.
Always thinking of others.
50
00:02:00,846 --> 00:02:01,845
Amazon gift card?
51
00:02:01,864 --> 00:02:03,455
It's the thought
that counts, Daddy.
52
00:02:03,607 --> 00:02:05,198
And it was a very nice thought.
53
00:02:05,351 --> 00:02:07,108
$20 bill cupped in a handshake?
54
00:02:07,128 --> 00:02:09,202
I'm gonna go change
out of this wet suit.
55
00:02:09,355 --> 00:02:10,111
Mwah.
56
00:02:10,131 --> 00:02:13,298
Wow! A white Range Rider SUV!
57
00:02:13,450 --> 00:02:16,360
Hey, what was Ari's wife's name
on Entourage?
58
00:02:16,378 --> 00:02:18,119
Eh, can't remember.
Doesn't matter.
59
00:02:18,139 --> 00:02:19,972
I'm Ari's wife.
60
00:02:20,199 --> 00:02:22,048
Good work today,
Mom Bathing Suit.
61
00:02:22,201 --> 00:02:23,725
See you on Labor Day.
62
00:02:26,038 --> 00:02:27,128
Nah, I'll wash it off.
63
00:02:27,222 --> 00:02:29,481
It's my fault
for over-guac'ing the chip.
64
00:02:29,633 --> 00:02:30,482
Aah!
65
00:02:30,709 --> 00:02:32,634
Aah! Joe! I'm in here!
66
00:02:32,728 --> 00:02:34,236
Sorry, I didn't realize!
67
00:02:39,643 --> 00:02:41,476
I'm sorry! I'm leaving!
68
00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:45,222
Ugh. I feel more violated
than Ms. Pac-Man.
69
00:03:04,167 --> 00:03:06,743
So, Lois, you would not believe
70
00:03:06,836 --> 00:03:08,687
the night Joe and I had
last night.
71
00:03:08,838 --> 00:03:10,189
Oh. Really?
72
00:03:10,432 --> 00:03:14,918
Yeah. It was easily some of the
best sex of our entire marriage.
73
00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:16,770
And for the first time
in nine years,
74
00:03:16,922 --> 00:03:19,031
Joe was able to achieve manhood.
75
00:03:19,182 --> 00:03:22,034
You know, without a pill,
a shot or a pump.
76
00:03:22,261 --> 00:03:24,519
Oh, you-you don't say.
77
00:03:24,596 --> 00:03:27,614
It was crazy. I can't even count
all the different positions
78
00:03:27,766 --> 00:03:30,876
Joe let me carefully arrange
his limp body into.
79
00:03:31,103 --> 00:03:32,786
Oh, wow, I'm so happy
80
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:35,455
you two were able
to rekindle that spark.
81
00:03:36,608 --> 00:03:37,791
Whoops, got to go.
82
00:03:37,943 --> 00:03:39,125
I've got lunch with the girls.
83
00:03:39,278 --> 00:03:41,720
W... I thought
I was one of the girls.
84
00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:43,722
You're one of the gals.
85
00:03:46,042 --> 00:03:47,542
Oh, no. What am I gonna do?
86
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:51,379
I bet Joe was only able to do it
'cause he was thinkin' of me.
87
00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:52,472
Chris?
88
00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:56,050
I've been caught,
but I'll never be sorry.
89
00:03:56,070 --> 00:03:59,463
Boy, I went hard at my fat guys'
wrestling club today.
90
00:04:00,966 --> 00:04:05,635
I understood that with
great reward comes great risk.
91
00:04:15,497 --> 00:04:17,814
Hey, Bri,
check out my new "hwhip."
92
00:04:17,907 --> 00:04:19,073
Pretty cool, huh?
93
00:04:19,093 --> 00:04:20,259
You might even say
it's a cool hwhi...
94
00:04:20,486 --> 00:04:22,243
-Yeah, I'm not doing that.
-Aw, you're no fun.
95
00:04:22,337 --> 00:04:24,579
I will say though, seems like
you're really embracing
96
00:04:24,673 --> 00:04:26,298
the Range Rider lifestyle.
97
00:04:26,450 --> 00:04:27,657
Oh, this thing's the best.
98
00:04:27,676 --> 00:04:30,327
J.D. Power and Associates
called it the best car
99
00:04:30,462 --> 00:04:33,163
for slamming on your brakes
at a crosswalk while texting.
100
00:04:33,256 --> 00:04:35,332
Would you believe
this is the same model
101
00:04:35,425 --> 00:04:37,592
Reese Witherspoon
yells at her husband in?
102
00:04:37,686 --> 00:04:39,019
I would believe that, yes.
103
00:04:39,113 --> 00:04:41,095
Look! You can even change
the navigation system
104
00:04:41,115 --> 00:04:42,281
to be her voice.
105
00:04:42,432 --> 00:04:44,524
I am an American citizen.
106
00:04:44,676 --> 00:04:45,842
Turn left at the light.
107
00:04:45,935 --> 00:04:47,619
The only thing is,
eight different people
108
00:04:47,771 --> 00:04:48,787
spoke to me in Farsi.
109
00:04:48,938 --> 00:04:50,514
I think they just
assumed I'm Persian.
110
00:04:50,532 --> 00:04:53,183
-Seems right.
-There's a whole section
of the owner's manual
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00:04:53,201 --> 00:04:55,185
that's very anti-Israel.
112
00:04:56,188 --> 00:04:57,020
Aren't you forgetting
your dry cleaning?
113
00:04:57,039 --> 00:04:58,279
Oh, Carmen will get that.
114
00:04:58,448 --> 00:05:00,448
- Who's Carmen?
Oh, my God. You're right.
115
00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:01,466
It's Rosalita.
116
00:05:01,693 --> 00:05:04,136
That stays on this curb.
117
00:05:04,287 --> 00:05:07,431
Rosalita!
¿Cómo está?
118
00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:13,380
- -I'm Sarah McLachlan.
119
00:05:13,530 --> 00:05:15,700
And for just one dollar a day,
120
00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:19,290
you can help save one of these abused and terrified grips
121
00:05:19,310 --> 00:05:21,220
from The Ellen DeGeneres Show.
122
00:05:21,370 --> 00:05:24,810
Whether it's a teamster sobbing in his car after work
123
00:05:24,970 --> 00:05:27,970
or a camera operator having asandwich slapped out of his hand
124
00:05:28,030 --> 00:05:29,970
just for making eye contact,
125
00:05:29,990 --> 00:05:31,470
they need your help.
126
00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:33,640
So, please, give today.
127
00:05:33,660 --> 00:05:35,810
Because no one should have to spend Thanksgiving
128
00:05:35,830 --> 00:05:38,500
watching a millionaire try on sweaters.
129
00:05:38,650 --> 00:05:41,060
Kids, you really got to clean
the dog poop off your shoes
130
00:05:41,070 --> 00:05:42,390
right when it happens.
131
00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:45,170
It's so much harder
to get it off once it's dried.
132
00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:48,510
You're more than welcome
to return to the workforce.
133
00:05:50,490 --> 00:05:52,570
♪ I think I'm cleaning diarrhea ♪
134
00:05:52,630 --> 00:05:54,400
♪ I think I'm cleaning diarrhea ♪
135
00:05:54,420 --> 00:05:56,250
♪ I really think so. ♪
136
00:06:25,950 --> 00:06:27,690
Hey, Bon! You busy?!
137
00:06:27,860 --> 00:06:29,210
Should I get the pump?
138
00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:30,860
No need!
139
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:32,870
Let's do this!
140
00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:36,440
Lois Griffin, you are
adding spice to that marriage.
141
00:06:36,540 --> 00:06:37,700
Wow, look at me,
142
00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:39,890
making a difference
for those in need.
143
00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:43,540
Would you like to add a dollar
to your bill to fight cancer?
144
00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:46,940
No. I gave a disabled guy
an erection.
145
00:06:57,080 --> 00:06:58,320
Okay.
146
00:06:58,410 --> 00:07:01,410
Now time to work
some of that magic on my man.
147
00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:03,900
Hey, Lois! Lois, check it out!
148
00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:05,310
I think James Cromwell
149
00:07:05,330 --> 00:07:07,140
is on this
Little House on the Prairie.
150
00:07:16,740 --> 00:07:20,100
Actually, what do you say
tonight I turn the TV off
151
00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:22,080
and turn you on?
152
00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:23,160
What are you, drunk?
153
00:07:23,290 --> 00:07:24,330
And where are the Wet Ones?
154
00:07:24,420 --> 00:07:26,330
You know
I need a cautionary wipe.
155
00:07:26,420 --> 00:07:28,500
Stop throwing 'em out
in the bedside trash!
156
00:07:28,590 --> 00:07:30,260
-I don't!
-The hell you don...
157
00:07:30,420 --> 00:07:32,330
I mean,
158
00:07:32,350 --> 00:07:33,670
it's all right.
159
00:07:33,690 --> 00:07:36,100
Let's not talk about that, hmm?
160
00:07:36,260 --> 00:07:39,860
Let's talk about how steamy
it's getting in here.
161
00:07:40,030 --> 00:07:42,290
Ah, that would be
a Bertucci's burp cloud
162
00:07:42,510 --> 00:07:44,620
with a Mr. Pibb
fart cloud chaser.
163
00:07:44,770 --> 00:07:46,850
Hence the need for Wet Ones.
164
00:07:48,630 --> 00:07:50,110
Hey, uh, while you're in there,
165
00:07:50,130 --> 00:07:51,540
will you sign
Meg's permission slip
166
00:07:51,690 --> 00:07:53,130
for the Historic Slater Mill?
167
00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:56,340
I left it at the foot
of the toilet between my shoes.
168
00:08:01,530 --> 00:08:03,380
I don't have to show you my ID.
169
00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:05,030
I'm Reese Witherspoon.
170
00:08:05,130 --> 00:08:07,220
You have arrived at your destination.
171
00:08:07,370 --> 00:08:08,460
Oh, thank God.
172
00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:10,200
Stewie, you-you got...
173
00:08:10,220 --> 00:08:11,220
you got my texts.
174
00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:12,820
Yeah, didn't so much "get" them
175
00:08:12,970 --> 00:08:15,560
as was "panic-startled awake"
by them.
176
00:08:15,710 --> 00:08:17,730
I just... I really am...
177
00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:20,470
is in no condition
to drive home.
178
00:08:20,490 --> 00:08:22,490
It was dog trivia night.
179
00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:24,240
People kept buying me shots.
180
00:08:24,390 --> 00:08:25,890
I-I almost...
181
00:08:25,910 --> 00:08:27,660
Oh, God. Oh, pull...
Uh, pull over! Pull over!
182
00:08:27,890 --> 00:08:29,070
--Aah! Are you gonna puke?!
183
00:08:29,230 --> 00:08:30,170
Aah! Not in the car!
184
00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:32,960
Here, here,
aim it into this TCBY cup.
185
00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:42,010
Okay. Okay.
186
00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:43,850
Okay. I'm okay.
187
00:08:45,740 --> 00:08:47,520
-You good?
-Yeah. Sorry. For a second...
188
00:08:47,670 --> 00:08:50,520
Aah! No!
In the yogurt cup, Brian!
189
00:08:50,670 --> 00:08:52,000
No, not on the seats!
190
00:08:52,020 --> 00:08:53,340
The cup! The cup!
191
00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:58,770
Look, this is gonna sound
racist, but...
192
00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:01,010
-Stop.
-No, no, hear me out.
It's just...
193
00:09:01,030 --> 00:09:02,370
-Stop.
-All I'm saying is...
194
00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:03,440
-Stop. Stop.
-It's j...
195
00:09:03,590 --> 00:09:04,940
Norwegians can't dance.
196
00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:08,410
Oh. That's actually not as bad
as I thought it would be.
197
00:09:11,210 --> 00:09:12,880
It is clearly
he has not seen me dance
198
00:09:13,030 --> 00:09:16,120
around the skensen tree
on Julaften for true, ja?
199
00:09:16,270 --> 00:09:20,610
Ja, we can do hopping
like lutefisk in the almond pot.
200
00:09:20,610 --> 00:09:21,530
Family Guy--
201
00:09:21,550 --> 00:09:23,970
we googled Norway for this joke.
202
00:09:26,450 --> 00:09:28,950
I manage the entire
Teacher Appreciation Night
203
00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:31,060
and I'm supposed to accept
second vice president?
204
00:09:31,130 --> 00:09:32,390
They are disrespecting you,
Donna.
205
00:09:32,620 --> 00:09:33,950
They are disrespecting you.
206
00:09:33,970 --> 00:09:35,970
No doubt. What about you?
207
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:38,210
Did the airline give you
the Miami route yet?
208
00:09:38,310 --> 00:09:39,880
They say I'm "next in line."
209
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:41,810
They are disrespecting you,
Glenn.
210
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,800
They are disrespecting you.
211
00:09:44,890 --> 00:09:45,910
Okay, see you next week.
212
00:09:46,060 --> 00:09:47,160
Yeah, you will.
213
00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:49,220
And thanks
for signing my Facebook petition
214
00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:50,230
about the speed bumps.
215
00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:51,330
We'll get 'em.
216
00:09:53,250 --> 00:09:54,620
What the hell?
217
00:09:57,330 --> 00:09:58,570
All right, Joe,
218
00:09:58,590 --> 00:10:00,400
it's showtime.
219
00:10:00,420 --> 00:10:01,420
What is she doing?
220
00:10:01,570 --> 00:10:02,980
It's not even sunny.
221
00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:12,670
Oh, my God. She's putting on
some kind of weird show for Joe.
222
00:10:12,830 --> 00:10:13,920
This is a betrayal.
223
00:10:13,940 --> 00:10:15,270
Peter deserves to know.
224
00:10:15,500 --> 00:10:17,160
He deserves to know right away.
225
00:10:19,850 --> 00:10:22,150
Ugh. Don't make me do
a voice call.
226
00:10:23,190 --> 00:10:25,400
I'll fire him a text
down the line.
227
00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:30,510
Hey, thanks for coming out
with just me, Peter.
228
00:10:30,510 --> 00:10:33,600
There's something very important
I need to talk to you about.
229
00:10:33,680 --> 00:10:35,530
Am I...
230
00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:36,700
adopted?
231
00:10:36,850 --> 00:10:38,460
What? No. What?
232
00:10:38,530 --> 00:10:39,680
Are you getting divorced?
233
00:10:39,780 --> 00:10:40,940
I'm not even married.
234
00:10:41,110 --> 00:10:42,960
We're moving again,
'cause of the Army?
235
00:10:43,110 --> 00:10:44,200
Well, it's a big move up for me
236
00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:45,610
and you're gonna get
your own room and...
237
00:10:45,780 --> 00:10:47,780
I mean, no! No!
That-That's not... Look, look.
238
00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:49,450
What I'm trying to tell you
239
00:10:49,550 --> 00:10:51,790
is I saw Lois strutting around
your front yard,
240
00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:53,810
basically putting on
a sex show for Joe.
241
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:55,200
And he was into it.
242
00:10:55,220 --> 00:10:57,220
What? He-he was?
243
00:10:57,310 --> 00:10:58,370
Are you sure?
244
00:10:58,540 --> 00:11:00,370
Trust me, Peter,
when it comes to sex,
245
00:11:00,540 --> 00:11:01,960
I know what I'm talking about.
246
00:11:01,980 --> 00:11:05,130
L-Like, did you know 46%
of people picture someone else
247
00:11:05,230 --> 00:11:06,710
when they're having sex
with their spouse?
248
00:11:06,730 --> 00:11:08,320
Wow, did you read that
in an article?
249
00:11:08,550 --> 00:11:10,160
No, I do all my own research.
250
00:11:12,310 --> 00:11:14,160
Who are you
thinking of right now?
251
00:11:14,310 --> 00:11:15,890
Um, Chris Pine.
252
00:11:15,910 --> 00:11:18,370
- Huh. He's doing well
this cycle.
253
00:11:19,740 --> 00:11:22,880
Damn it. I'll teach Joe
to ogle my wife.
254
00:11:24,150 --> 00:11:25,250
Oh, hey, Peter.
255
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:27,570
What are you clenching
in that fist there?
256
00:11:30,830 --> 00:11:34,220
Well, that was sadder
than what I was going for.
257
00:11:35,930 --> 00:11:37,550
Well, least it's over.
258
00:11:38,850 --> 00:11:42,810
Oh, God, those are all
"final notice" wheelchair bills.
259
00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:46,320
Not a good day for Joe.
260
00:11:50,030 --> 00:11:52,990
Not... a good day... for Joe.
261
00:11:58,860 --> 00:12:00,760
Peter, this is insane.
262
00:12:00,930 --> 00:12:03,270
I can't believe you would
beat up your own friend.
263
00:12:03,290 --> 00:12:04,440
Well, can you blame me?
264
00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:05,450
After the sick show
265
00:12:05,610 --> 00:12:07,090
you two were putting on
out there?
266
00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:08,110
Fine, Peter.
267
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:10,050
So what if I was
putting on a show?
268
00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:12,370
At least someone
was in the audience.
269
00:12:12,390 --> 00:12:15,950
And maybe ask yourself why
I'd even feel I have to do that.
270
00:12:15,970 --> 00:12:17,970
I come out of the bathroom
in my underwear last night
271
00:12:18,060 --> 00:12:20,780
and all you want to do
is look at James Cromwell.
272
00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:22,790
It was weird.
He had most of his hair.
273
00:12:22,810 --> 00:12:24,970
You don't find me
attractive anymore.
274
00:12:25,070 --> 00:12:27,570
Oh, come on,
it's not you-- it's time.
275
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,050
After all these years
of marriage,
276
00:12:29,070 --> 00:12:32,460
your naked body has pretty much
no effect on me anymore.
277
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:35,410
It's basically like staring
at a chair from the DMV.
278
00:12:35,560 --> 00:12:38,560
Well, sue me for trying
to help reignite the passion
279
00:12:38,580 --> 00:12:40,250
in another couple's marriage.
280
00:12:40,470 --> 00:12:42,060
I can't seem to do it in my own.
281
00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:43,400
That's not what you're doing.
282
00:12:43,420 --> 00:12:44,810
You're flaunting yourself
283
00:12:44,830 --> 00:12:45,660
in front
of the whole neighborhood
284
00:12:45,750 --> 00:12:47,330
just to boost your own ego.
285
00:12:47,420 --> 00:12:49,260
All right, Peter,
286
00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:50,740
I'll be honest with you.
287
00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:52,980
We're moving again,
'cause of the Army?
288
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:55,240
What? No.
We're talking about Joe.
289
00:12:55,260 --> 00:12:58,350
Oh, right. We're moving again
'cause Joe's in the Army.
290
00:13:00,330 --> 00:13:02,770
I don't want to move to Omaha.
291
00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:05,190
My friends are here.
292
00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:12,450
What is this?
293
00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:13,840
What do you think you're doing?
294
00:13:13,860 --> 00:13:15,600
Not that it's any
of your business, Lois,
295
00:13:15,690 --> 00:13:17,510
but I'm fighting fire with fire.
296
00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:19,840
Now, if you need me,
I'll be chopping wood out front
297
00:13:19,940 --> 00:13:22,160
when all the stroller moms
go by.
298
00:13:26,870 --> 00:13:27,630
Oh.
299
00:13:27,850 --> 00:13:29,040
-That's right, ladies.
-Oh, my.
300
00:13:29,190 --> 00:13:30,780
- Oh.
-I'll be here all morning,
301
00:13:30,870 --> 00:13:32,280
turning small pieces of wood
302
00:13:32,300 --> 00:13:35,890
into even smaller pieces of wood
for no reason.
303
00:13:39,050 --> 00:13:41,700
Okay, so,
for purposes of the claim,
304
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:43,030
what was the cause
of the accident?
305
00:13:43,130 --> 00:13:44,810
Yeah, I don't know
how that thing broke.
306
00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:47,810
Well, I see your neighbor
has a Nest camera.
307
00:13:54,990 --> 00:13:56,730
That was from
a previous attempt.
308
00:13:56,820 --> 00:13:59,880
I thought I looked hot,
but then the paperboy laughed.
309
00:13:59,980 --> 00:14:01,400
Un-Unless you think it worked?
310
00:14:01,500 --> 00:14:04,650
Sir, I'm just trying to find out
what happened with the window
311
00:14:04,740 --> 00:14:06,980
and head home to eat
a Runeberg torte,
312
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:08,240
a dessert from Finland.
313
00:14:08,390 --> 00:14:11,080
Oh, yes. Named after
the Finnish national poet,
314
00:14:11,170 --> 00:14:12,820
Johan Ludvig Runeberg.
315
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:14,660
We kind of fell down a rabbit hole
316
00:14:14,750 --> 00:14:16,300
on those countries up there.
317
00:14:21,350 --> 00:14:23,160
Okay. Any better?
318
00:14:23,260 --> 00:14:26,240
Well, now I just smell
Febreze and vomit.
319
00:14:26,340 --> 00:14:27,260
Stupid dog.
320
00:14:28,190 --> 00:14:31,340
Seems like having a car
is a real pain.
321
00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:33,430
God, it's the wors...
I mean, no way.
322
00:14:33,590 --> 00:14:35,190
Having a car is a dream.
323
00:14:35,350 --> 00:14:37,850
And having an expensive car
you're constantly terrified
324
00:14:37,940 --> 00:14:39,700
about getting dinged
or dirtied--
325
00:14:39,850 --> 00:14:42,030
that's, like, the best thing
you can hope for.
326
00:14:43,430 --> 00:14:44,540
Uhp, text from Brian.
327
00:14:44,690 --> 00:14:47,600
"Let me know
if you're going on a Tums run."
328
00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:49,380
Ugh, so passive-aggressive.
329
00:14:49,530 --> 00:14:51,630
"Do you need Tums?"
330
00:14:57,390 --> 00:14:59,890
All right, Chris,
as long as I'm going,
331
00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:01,050
do you need anything?
332
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:03,560
Well, if you're going
on a Desenex run,
333
00:15:03,780 --> 00:15:04,720
I wouldn't say no.
334
00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:05,780
Do you need Desenex?
335
00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:08,190
Only if you're going on a run.
336
00:15:13,460 --> 00:15:15,050
Hey, Joe.
337
00:15:15,140 --> 00:15:19,220
I was wondering if you needed
to borrow a cup of sugar.
338
00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:20,630
No, thanks, Lois.
339
00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:23,470
And, also, that's not how
the sugar thing usually works.
340
00:15:23,490 --> 00:15:24,800
Well, I just...
341
00:15:24,820 --> 00:15:26,390
Lois, you can stop
with the phony excuses.
342
00:15:26,410 --> 00:15:28,730
I know why you've been doing
what you're doing,
343
00:15:28,750 --> 00:15:30,070
and I think
it's better if you stop.
344
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:31,310
But, Joe, I just...
345
00:15:31,330 --> 00:15:33,230
Look, I've given this
tremendous thought,
346
00:15:33,250 --> 00:15:35,830
wondering if the reason
I became so excited
347
00:15:35,980 --> 00:15:38,820
by all that's happened
is that Peter's a good friend
348
00:15:38,910 --> 00:15:40,980
and perhaps the affection
you two share
349
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:42,990
was briefly channeled towards me
350
00:15:43,010 --> 00:15:45,600
as a reminder and renewal
of the importance
351
00:15:45,750 --> 00:15:48,660
of maintaining a deep sense of
wonder and curiosity about life.
352
00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:51,850
But then I realized it was
mostly about seeing side-boob
353
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:54,260
that was
not my wife's side-boob.
354
00:15:54,350 --> 00:15:55,500
It just has to be different.
355
00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:56,940
I can't stress that enough.
356
00:15:57,110 --> 00:15:59,020
But-but I'm okay with that, Joe.
357
00:15:59,110 --> 00:16:01,510
Sorry, Lois.
I can't do this to Peter.
358
00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:04,270
But please know that you
have done a great service
359
00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:06,600
for my and Bonnie's sex life.
360
00:16:06,620 --> 00:16:09,290
Oh, I understand.
361
00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:11,290
Bye, Joe.
362
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:13,290
-Say, Lois.
-Yes?
363
00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:16,610
You're not going on a catheter
run, by any chance, are you?
364
00:16:16,630 --> 00:16:18,450
Do you need me
to get you catheters?
365
00:16:18,620 --> 00:16:20,920
Only if you're going on a run.
366
00:16:23,450 --> 00:16:25,800
Stop kicking my seat!
367
00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:27,530
That's it!
If I have to stop this car,
368
00:16:27,550 --> 00:16:29,380
there'll be no popsicles!
369
00:16:29,540 --> 00:16:31,890
Probably-probably no popsicles.
370
00:16:33,890 --> 00:16:35,540
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
371
00:16:35,540 --> 00:16:37,630
♪ Simple life on a big wheel ♪
372
00:16:37,650 --> 00:16:40,230
♪ Very unencumbered. ♪
373
00:16:44,310 --> 00:16:45,680
Aah! Rupert!
374
00:16:45,730 --> 00:16:47,310
Rupert, talk to me!
375
00:16:47,330 --> 00:16:48,740
How many fingers
am I holding up?
376
00:16:48,830 --> 00:16:50,830
Two? No, it's three.
377
00:16:51,060 --> 00:16:53,060
Okay, the thumb isn't a finger--
you're right.
378
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:56,290
So glad you're okay
to point that out.
379
00:16:57,820 --> 00:16:59,900
Still, I thought I'd lost you.
380
00:16:59,990 --> 00:17:02,580
Oh, this car has brought me
nothing but trouble.
381
00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:04,660
Well, there's
only one thing to do.
382
00:17:04,750 --> 00:17:06,750
I don't know.
I just parked it on the street,
383
00:17:06,910 --> 00:17:08,660
and when I woke up this morning,
it was gone.
384
00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:10,830
Well, this Nest camera footage
shows you
385
00:17:10,850 --> 00:17:13,730
dousing it in gasoline
and setting it ablaze.
386
00:17:16,340 --> 00:17:19,360
I have Nest Cam footage
of you pleasuring yourself
387
00:17:19,510 --> 00:17:20,360
in our hedges.
388
00:17:20,510 --> 00:17:22,070
Is a check okay?
389
00:17:24,510 --> 00:17:27,200
Yeah, I did a good thing
for Joe and Bonnie's marriage.
390
00:17:27,350 --> 00:17:29,020
It's not about me,
it's about them.
391
00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:30,700
And if I could do it for Joe...
392
00:17:31,860 --> 00:17:33,610
...I can do it
for a whole hospital wing
393
00:17:33,710 --> 00:17:35,270
of disabled veterans.
394
00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:38,120
Lois Griffin,
reporting for duty.
395
00:17:39,050 --> 00:17:41,860
What possessed you
to impersonate a nurse
396
00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:45,610
and give seven addled Korean War
veterans sponge baths?
397
00:17:45,630 --> 00:17:49,010
I'm a sexually desirable woman!
398
00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:52,730
Peter? Wh-What
are you doing here?
399
00:17:52,950 --> 00:17:57,020
I smushed my thing up against
the glass of a Lululemon.
400
00:18:02,220 --> 00:18:04,980
I'm really sorry for
all the stuff I said earlier.
401
00:18:05,070 --> 00:18:06,460
Oh, me, too.
402
00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:09,470
It's just, after all
these years, when I look at you,
403
00:18:09,490 --> 00:18:11,060
all I see
is dealing with the kids,
404
00:18:11,150 --> 00:18:13,250
figuring out meals,
going through the mail.
405
00:18:13,410 --> 00:18:16,060
It's great that Joe could see
you like you used to be,
406
00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:17,580
but, for me,
it's getting harder.
407
00:18:17,730 --> 00:18:19,330
No, it's my fault, too.
408
00:18:19,500 --> 00:18:21,250
I've taken us for granted,
409
00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:23,570
a-and it felt so nice to be seen
410
00:18:23,590 --> 00:18:25,590
as the person
I used to think I was.
411
00:18:25,740 --> 00:18:26,820
Truth is, eventually,
412
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:29,080
I'd probably get bored
with any woman.
413
00:18:29,170 --> 00:18:31,600
Might as well get bored
with the woman I love.
414
00:18:31,670 --> 00:18:34,160
Well, I can sit here
and tell you today
415
00:18:34,180 --> 00:18:37,250
I'm as bored with you
as I've ever been.
416
00:18:37,270 --> 00:18:38,510
I love you.
417
00:18:38,660 --> 00:18:40,380
I love you, too, Lois.
418
00:18:40,530 --> 00:18:42,260
- Oh!
-Wow.
419
00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:45,110
You know, I've never seen you
in a nurse's outfit before.
420
00:18:45,260 --> 00:18:48,430
And I've
never seen you dressed as...
421
00:18:48,490 --> 00:18:50,280
Prom Night Tarzan?
422
00:18:50,510 --> 00:18:52,100
I'm a Chippendales dancer.
423
00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:54,510
Oh, Chippendales.
424
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:56,940
I know they have
a big cover charge.
425
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:59,630
How much is the uncover charge?
426
00:18:59,850 --> 00:19:01,780
For you, it's $35,
427
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:02,960
'cause you didn't bring
enough people
428
00:19:03,190 --> 00:19:04,910
to qualify for the group rate,
429
00:19:04,970 --> 00:19:08,470
but it does include
a $12 bottle of Costco champagne
430
00:19:08,690 --> 00:19:10,620
that we're gonna tell you
is worth $100.
431
00:19:10,700 --> 00:19:12,950
Why? But...
Peter, you're bad at this.
432
00:19:13,090 --> 00:19:15,380
No, no, you argue back
and then we get all hot.
433
00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:19,040
I'm raising two children alone
in a single apartment.
434
00:19:19,050 --> 00:19:20,300
Okay, I'm back in.
435
00:19:20,390 --> 00:19:22,890
Boy, you really made
some mistakes in your life,
436
00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:26,390
haven't you,
you little piece of trash?
437
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:30,730
Uh, there's someone else
in here.
438
00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:32,900
-Oh, my God!
-What the hell?
439
00:19:33,050 --> 00:19:35,070
Principal Shepherd?
You're in here, too?
440
00:19:35,220 --> 00:19:37,400
Yeah, I got into a slap fight
with the Applebee's hostess
441
00:19:37,570 --> 00:19:39,060
because they wouldn't
turn on Fox News.
442
00:19:39,070 --> 00:19:40,830
Y-You know what,
we'll wait till we get home.
443
00:19:40,980 --> 00:19:42,170
We're so sorry.
444
00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:44,580
For what?
I didn't tell you to stop.
445
00:19:44,730 --> 00:19:47,170
Um... okay.
446
00:19:52,250 --> 00:19:53,740
Oh, Peter!
447
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:55,010
Oh, Lois!
448
00:19:55,170 --> 00:19:56,590
Can you call out the names
449
00:19:56,740 --> 00:19:58,520
of garbage people from Fox News?
450
00:19:58,590 --> 00:19:59,850
Oh, Hannity!
451
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,080
Oh, Tucker!
452
00:20:01,170 --> 00:20:02,840
Oh, Judge Jeanine!
453
00:20:02,860 --> 00:20:04,190
Oh, Steve Doocy!
454
00:20:04,420 --> 00:20:06,580
Uh, who's that terrible blonde lady
455
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:08,010
whose own family hates her?
456
00:20:08,030 --> 00:20:09,090
Laura Ingraham.
457
00:20:09,100 --> 00:20:11,420
Oh, Laura Ingraham!
458
00:20:11,510 --> 00:20:12,610
Yes!
459
00:20:18,850 --> 00:20:20,370
Oh, Peter, I'm so glad
460
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:23,040
we were able to discover
this new level of intimacy.
461
00:20:23,190 --> 00:20:25,370
I-I've never felt
so connected to you.
462
00:20:25,540 --> 00:20:26,520
Me either.
463
00:20:26,620 --> 00:20:28,450
And I never knew
your biggest fantasy
464
00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:31,210
was to do it as a cat
from a children's book.
465
00:20:34,890 --> 00:20:36,290
For most of the night,
466
00:20:36,450 --> 00:20:38,200
Peter gooshed on her flumpkus.
467
00:20:38,370 --> 00:20:39,870
She crunkled his wanz-it.
468
00:20:39,970 --> 00:20:41,460
He boobled her bumpkus.
469
00:20:41,620 --> 00:20:45,290
The bangle-bong lasted till first break of day.
470
00:20:45,380 --> 00:20:47,950
Six times that night she screamed,
471
00:20:47,970 --> 00:20:50,230
"Zazu-ki-zay!"
472
00:20:50,380 --> 00:20:51,730
The end.
473
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:53,130
Good night, Stewie.
474
00:20:53,220 --> 00:20:55,610
Don't read me books
that you write.
32959
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