Original subtitles

Captioning made possible by trimark home video

[Bubbling water]

* I got the weekend off, and the summer's set *

* believe it's about time to breeze *

* with the ragtop down we can do anything *

* there's no place I would rather be *

* I can guarantee nothing, this view will do *

* past time to let it go

* this place is always alive, and it's the bottom line *

* it's my freedom above all

* ohh...It's out of sight

* it couldn't be better I got today *

* out of sight

* wheel and deal 'cause I'm free tonight *

* till the summer sets

* till the summer sets

* watch the ladies dance, got a beer in my hand *

* it's all good, it's life

* plus movin' play, she's top of the line *

* my freedom above all

* ohh...Out of sight

* couldn't be better

* livin' the life

* wheel and deal 'cause I'm free tonight *

* till the summer sets

* yeah...Till the summer sets *

* ohh...Hey...Yeah

* it couldn't be better

dishwashing is to me a soapy salvation--

rejuvenation of my soul,

a recuperation from my upbringing,

rejection of the bourgeoisie,

and the reclamation of my free will.

Now, listen, when you're done,

make sure that you spray the dishes.

Come here, come here, come here.

Spray the dishes off, right?

This thing will sanitize them,

but it won't really wash 'em.

Never sacrifice quality for speed.

Listen to him closely,

for the master of dishdogging

comes but once in a lifetime.

Chip!

Chip. Chip.

Chip. Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa!

He takes control,

and he shoots, he scores.

How come your friend won't go out with me?

Is he...You know?

Morgan? He's a philosopher.

Oh, well, doesn't that mean

he's supposed to know a lot about love and stuff?

Morgan, he knows all the great philosophers.

Hey, those are clean.

He's just trying to come up with his own new and improved,

like, better philosophy.

Really? Yeah.

His own philosophy?

Oh, yeah.

Put the rag between your thumb and forefinger.

Thus. All right?

Yeah, see, that's the only way

you can get in the pantheon of greats.

You have to come up with your own shit.

That's good.

You should be able to see yourself in there.

See your reflection. See a reflection?

What a shame.

All that devotion, and no girl's

gettin' the pleasure.

I'm not like him.

I don't know how you do that.

I don't know how you just pass up

on beautiful girls like that.

Well, I refuse to be controlled by my libido.

What's so difficult to understand about that?

Jason, if we can't be above our animalistic desires,

we have no business calling ourselves philosophers.

Yeah, but how do you know

a fiery sexual experience

with that bitchin' little ukulele

is not gonna unleash this wild epiphany

that we've been searching for?

How many times do I have to tell you?

I'm not interested in a string of meaningless conquests.

My ability to exercise free will

has maximum expressive potential

when guided by principles and ideas,

not by bodily functions and sentimental emotions.

What are you doing? You're standing there.

Here, take this and go fill it up with dirty dishes.

Ok?

Do something, you rookie.

Muchachos!

Hey, Roberto! Ay-ay-ay!

You're almost done al--

look at this place! Oh, this is fantastic.

Hey, how's the new guy doing?

He, uh-- he rules.

We're humbled.

Whoa!

Are you sure you can't stick around

for a little while longer? I'll give you a raise.

No, thanks.

The open road beckons.

I got a restaurant to run.

Oh...try the fish tacos on the way out.

The grouper, but don't grope her.

Adios, amigos! Ay! Ay! Aoww!

It's a fish joke.

Jason: Maybe we should, like, go to Nevada.

That'd be great.

Gambling, free cocktails,

death valley's cool.

I was kinda thinkin' about the Oregon coast.

You know...

The expansiveness of the ocean,

the mystical quality of the early morning fog.

Oregon?

The wedding's on Saturday.

There's no way we're getting up to Oregon

and back by Saturday.

What day is today?

Thursday.

No way.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's Thursday.

I don't care. David's not gonna get married.

He's not crazy.

It's not gonna happen.

It's gonna happen.

Duh.

I can't believe David is going through with it.

He's had a year to think about it.

It's not that I mind goin' back,

but the hypocrisy is killin' me.

I mean, it's bad enough that I have to attend a wedding,

something totally contrary to my beliefs...

But David still wants me to be the best man.

It's a good thing you thrive on moral dilemmas then, huh?

It's worse than a moral dilemma.

It's a crisis of conscience.

Want a bite?

No, thank you, I'll pass.

What are you, a vegetarian?

Bite it!

No. You eat your food.

I'll worry about myself, all right?

What are you gonna do if you see Molly?

She'll probably be at the wedding.

There's man...

And then there's Superman.

Both: Bring 'em above all.

Mmm. Uh, uh, uh.

Holy shit.

[Snapping fingers]

Hey, what are you doin'?

If we don't concentrate

and rigorously pursue our epiphany,

we will never assume our place

in the pantheon of greats.

Are you listening to me?

Yes.

You didn't hear a word I said, did you?

Yeah, the pantheon...

But what if our epiphany never comes?

Kerouac, burroughs, Thoreau...

None of 'em had it easy.

But how long does it take, like, an average philosopher

to have his great epiphany?

Maybe a lifetime.

See, that sucks.

Shoot.

Hey, check it out, man.

That was a lot of truck for the money.

No doubt.

[High sing-song voice] Hello, professor frost.

Marriage?

I think George Bernard Shaw said it best when he said,

"marriage is to me an apostasy,

"a profanation of the sanctuary of my soul.

An acceptance of defeat." Heh.

"I shall change from a man with a future,

"to a man with a past.

"I shall merely be somebody's property...

"And damaged goods at that.

A secondhand man at best."

See, each time I wash a dish,

it's one less trip to Disneyland I have to take

with my ingrate kids. With every pot I scrub,

it's one less mortgage payment I have to make.

Bravo. Bravo, that's it.

See, you guys, you guys have chosen...

To ask the most dangerous question

ever invented by man. Why?

Why? Why? Why am I here?

Why was I born? Why?

Why?

Because--because with every generation,

there are always those certain few

that can follow their own path,

their own-- their own destiny.

If they're lucky, one day,

they find a small piece of truth, inner truth,

and it makes the simplest things better.

Food will have a different taste.

Songs seem to be more in tune.

For the first time, pieces of this--this...

Crazy Jigsaw puzzle we call a life

will fit together better.

That's exactly why we're so committed

to seeking out and finding our epiphany.

Epiphany? Well...

I guess you can call it an epiphany if you want to.

Yeah, so, uh, shall we let the fiesta...Begin?

Ay! Ay! Ay! Ay!

Hey! Hey!

Hey, how about that?

Shane the brain!

Love your partner. What's up?

And the condemned man!

Professor frost: Hello, Shane.

What's up, man?

The journey, baby.

David.

Well, you haven't thrown up on yourself.

Hey, I'm not as scared

as you all programmed me to be.

You know why?

Because you're in shock.

Listen, fellas, your money's no good tonight, ok?

This is all on me.

It's the least I can do for this young man

who, tomorrow morning,

gets to say those wonderful words...I do.

And then, spends the rest of his life

saying, yes, dear!

[Laughing]

All right, come on. Get inside.

[All talking at once]

[Rock music plays]

[Hooting]

Hey, guys, bring a round!

Emcee: And that was the delicious candie sweet.

And upcoming, our mistress of intrigue,

our own avenging angel, antoinette.

Crowd: Yeah.

* falling leaves

* tantalizing colors

* of the Autumn breeze

* ever-changing patterns in this lusty breeze *

* finally we're together

* it will never cease

* sister, who

* come and change all my senses *

* pardon me, you

* present, past, and future tenses *

* stay

* learn to love

* stay

* it's like a dream

* ecstasy

* lovin' hand will keep me *

* and will always be

emcee: Remember, gentlemen,

tonight is 2-for-1 call drinks

and 2-for-1 lap dances.

Put your hands together and let your libidos go

for the lovely lolita.

[Hooting and whistling]

Hey!

Bro?

Dude, is this your job?

It's more than a job, my friend.

It's a career.

I bet you don't get bored, huh?

Can't get bored with bliss, my brother.

Hey, play some funk.

You got it. Comin' up.

Nature deliberately separates

the mind and the body. Otherwise,

there'd be personal and social anarchy.

So you're saying that the body

has nothing at all to contribute.

That's right.

No, that's bullshit.

You can't separate the mind from the body,

unless you're Dr. Frankenstein.

You want a perfect example

of what I'm talking about?

Look at that stripper over there. All right?

Her mind and her body are definitely separate.

Her body is looking at that weird dude

and saying, "oh, I want to do you."

And her mind is saying,

"god, I hope I can make my rent.

I shouldn't have taken off Thursday."

He's right, you know.

I mean, obviously, the mind and body are one.

Would either of you like a lap dance?

Uh... [Clears throat]

Talkative bunch, aren't we?

No, thank you. Sorry.

Don't be sorry.

Regrets are a waste of time.

No, I just--

I didn't mean to offend you.

You offend me? Don't worry about it.

Anne, are you, uh, dancing or chatting?

A little of both.

Mm-hmm. Well, I would say that there is more money

in the former.

Hey!

Sir, there are rules of this house.

Here. Read the sign.

It says "no touching"!

He's good.

Yeah.

We're the yin. He's the Yang.

Comin' through. Watch out!

Enjoy the show.

[Laughing]

Sit down.

We got a lotta show yet.

All right. All right.

Which one of you guys is gonna try

the body shot?

Guys: Ohh!

Are you ready, baby?

I'm so ready. Morgan, take one.

Go ahead, Morgan, please.

Morgan.

Shane: Yeah, man, come on.

Be right back.

Be right back?

Oh, come on, you guys.

The bachelor will take one, please.

I've been ready my whole life for this.

Oh, my god.

Professor frost: This is the end of western civilization

as I know it.

Oh, my god. Wiggle? Not the wiggle.

[Clears throat]

I don't know what you got on your mind,

but your body better step back.

I just came out here for some fresh air.

Got a cigarette?

No, I don't smoke.

Right.

I'm thinking of starting, though.

What?

Smoking.

Why?

Well, you get to use a lot more of your sick days,

and you die a lot younger,

and the next time a beautiful girl

sticks a gun in my face and asks for a cigarette,

I'll have one to give her.

One point for you.

Hi, my name is Anne.

Morgan.

Morgan? Yeah.

The man whose mind controls his organ.

You don't believe me?

[Coughs]

Simple rule of nature:

Breasts are a magnet to a man's eyes.

I guess there's no been there, done that

when it comes to breasts.

Same rule applies to crotches.

Trust me. Do this job long enough,

and you'll have a really clear picture

of just how connected the mind and body are.

Heh. Yeah...

But the great minds have taught US

that the, uh,

the wider the gap between stimulus and response,

the more enlightened the individual.

Really? So, following that logic,

the average dead guy's more enlightened than you.

[Chuckles]

2 points for me.

Wait a minute.

You've just taken a valid philosophical concept

and reduced it to an absurdity.

No, I didn't.

I simply pointed out a fundamental flaw

in your logic.

Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

What exactly do you do for a living?

I'm a dishwasher...

And I'm on a quest.

To find...

My epiphany.

Right.

No, it's true.

Washing dishes simply allows me that pursuit.

Did something horrible happen to you

in your childhood?

Uh, heh...

I don't know why i'm telling you any of this.

Wow.

I was simply making a joke.

See ya around, babe.

Get one for Mr. Frost over there.

No, no, no, thank you.

Thank you. I have a weak heart.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

Oh, my god, drink that shot.

Ahh!

Want another one?

I do, I do. I do!

David...david?

I do.

Not yet, David.

Do you take this woman

for richer, for poorer,

in sickness and in health,

till death do you part?

About what it's gonna take to get out of it.

Anyone here can see any reason why these two

should not be joined in holy matrimony,

let them speak now or forever hold their peace.

Then...

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Kiss of death.

[Sexy whistle]

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. and Mrs. Martinez.

[Wedding march plays]

[Tapping glass]

Well, I guess it's tradition for the best man

to give a speech, so here goes.

Uh, all of US guys agree

that Karen's a great catch for David.

Which is, I guess,

why he's decided to sacrifice his principles

to be with her.

I always thought he was too smart

to go for this whole marriage thing,

but, um...

But he's made his choice, and it's a good one.

I love you, man.

And Karen...

You're the best.

I hope you're both ultra-happy.

And with that, I'd like to propose a toast...

To Mr. and Mrs. Martinez.

Salud.

Huzzah!

[Playing la bamba]

Ahh.

Hey, Jason, how ya doin'?

Hi, Jason Fletcher, and you are?

Aaron Mitchell.

I'm Molly's date.

It's only 'cause I let her go.

Heh heh heh.

That's not the way she tells it, Jason.

So, um...

Wanna dance?

Um...

Sure.

Thank you.

Can you hold this?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Ha.

Ooh. Sorry. It's a fast song.

So, who's the, um... Who's the stiff?

If you can't say anything nice,

don't say anything at all.

Besides, wasn't it you who said

that for every minute we're angry,

we lose 60 seconds of happiness?

All I'm askin' for is one minute. Ok?

So what are you doin' besides the stiff?

I'm working, thank you very much.

Working? Where are you working?

Oh, yeah,

a management training program at sunkist.

You didn't know?

You serious?

Yeah.

Oh, you'll be a good manager.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

So, what about you?

Your career plans any more focused?

Morgan, fast food, styling.

As always.

[Song ends]

Hey!

One more.

I don't think it's a good idea.

Please.

What is my date gonna say?

I don't care what your date's gonna say.

How am I gonna feel going home with him?

Don't go home with him.

So, who'd you bring tonight?

Morgan.

Heh.

[Playing la cucaracha]

I can't believe David's the first to fall.

He went soft on US.

Imagine, the next time we smoke one of these with David,

it'll say, "it's a boy" on it.

Uhh.

A married philosopher is a figure of comedy.

Both: Nietzsche.

Yeah.

[Song ends]

I can appreciate that. I got 2 spots open.

One for kitchen manager during the day...

And the other one for assistant at night.

Now, don't say no without even thinking about it.

Dean, I've thought about it.

That's why the answer's no.

Come on, you boys are college-educated.

Don't you realize the security

of the opportunity I'm offering you?

Security's overrated.

I mean, there's security in jail.

Don't you boys want a career?

That's where we differ. We have a career.

You call washing dishes a career?

It's not about washing dishes.

It's about aspiring to greatness.

Heh. I'll be back.

[Sigh]

Jason, i--

I knew Morgan wouldn't go for this,

but I felt I had to offer it to you

because you're partners.

I want you to know that the offer

is still open to you...

Solo.

I appreciate that.

I mean, I really do.

It's just that we're young now.

You know, and this is like...

Like a... Great adventure.

I mean, you must've had somethin' like that

when you were our age, right?

Yeah, yeah, sure. World war ii.

Jason, you were a business major.

I'm offering you an opportunity

to take over my family business.

I never had children...

And you never had a father.

Aside from me, there's no one that loves

the outback restaurant more than you do.

Hey...

So you're not Jewish, who cares?

It's a new millennium.

You know, listen,

just think about it, all right?

I will.

We'll talk about it later.

All right.

Take care.

Yeah.

We're out of here.

What?

Let's go.

Oh, um, actually, you know what?

I'm gonna hang out with Molly for a while.

It's no big deal.

Just grab a ride tomor-- later--tonight.

Have it your way.

Heh. I will.

[TV plays]

Hey.

Hey.

You got a cigarette?

No, you don't smoke, remember?

Pretty good.

Yeah.

So, what? Did you miss me,

or did you finally psych yourself up

for that lap dance?

No, no, no, no, no. I don't want a lap dance.

I want to-- I want to talk to you.

Oh, I got it.

You want to rescue me from the dragon.

Come on, do you really think all guys

are that transparent?

What was your name again?

Morgan.

Right. The dishwasher.

You think you would have remembered my name

if I wore an Armani suit

and told you I came from money?

Think all strippers are that transparent?

Look, I know you think it's funny

that I'm a dishwasher who's a philosopher,

but you gotta understand something.

I've made a conscious choice

to design a lifestyle that will support

my philosophical aspirations.

You see, to most people,

washing dishes is a low-paying menial job.

It's not to me. To me, it's a ritual

with deeply spiritual implications.

Like the tea ceremony.

Exactly. Exactly.

See, that's why I'm here.

I wanted to, uh...

I wanted to come here to tell you that.

So you'd know.

Well, this is fascinating.

Thank you.

So, I guess I'll see you around.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Uh...Wait a minute.

Wait. Um...Look.

Here.

I want to show you an example,

a demonstration.

$20.

Hey, it's your money.

DeWitt.

This guy wants to, um, wash something.

He gave a $20 for it. Is it ok?

Uh...ok, but, uh, nothin' kinky. Got it?

No problem. Thanks a lot.

Thanks.

Great. Uh...ok.

So, let's see.

You start with a glass...

And, uh...

Plant your feet.

Take a deep breath. See? Feel.

Go ahead. You try one.

Grab a glass.

It's nice.

You're doing really well.

See, you sorta do the outside,

then you can get the inside goin'.

It's pretty good.

It's kinda hypnotic really.

[Breaking glass]

Hey! You two, you know better

than to do that shit around here.

Still think the mind and body are separate?

Hey, guys!

Does he strike you as one of the greatest thinkers

of our time?

[Laughs and groans]

Morgan, thanks for washing our glasses.

[Honking horn]

[Honking]

Come on!

All right!

Bye.

I'll call. I promise.

Drive safely.

I will.

I heard you the first time.

People are sleeping.

Hey, that looks good.

Yeah, that looks good. How about over here?

Yeah, nice.

Score.

Oh, ok, I got one for ya.

All right.

2 totally beautiful girls want to go out with you,

which one do you choose?

That's not a moral dilemma.

At best, it's meager sexual politics.

Just answer the question.

I can't.

Just because they're both equally fine

doesn't mean they're both equally desirable.

You're not fully analyzing the question, Mr. Philosopher.

All right, which one would you choose?

I'd go out with the one that finds me most desirable.

You're so intellectually lax.

You're just pissed off

because I came up with one that you can't answer.

Thanks very much.

Lily's, 18.

Belinda's 12.50.

Oh, hey, taveli's, hi.

I'm just curious about how much my girlfriend and I

might spend if I took my fine little foxy lady

to your abode?

8--8 and a quarter? Thank you.

Shave diller's bar and grill, 22.50.

Sh--

Henry's house of hash. Don't even ask.

35 bucks a plate, e.J.'S bistro.

Oh, yeah!

So we prefer to be paid in cash

at the end of every shift,

and we may only be here for a couple of days,

but we offer a few guarantees.

One--we won't walk out on the middle of a shift,

and 2--we'll give you at least 24 hours' notice

before we take off.

Tell you what,

if you guys wash half as good as you talk,

you're in.

Hey, hey! Rah! There we go.

Pleasure to, uh--

dishwasher's in the back.

Get to work.

Mr. E.J., you will not be sorry.

Dude, this guy's dishwasher's a boner.

Well, what do you expect?

That bad boy's over 20 years old.

Wash 'em again.

If he doesn't turn on the ac,

I am gonna pass out.

Hey, Jason, do you think

we're workin' hard enough on our epiphany?

I mean, there's probably some more tangible steps

we should be taking.

Did you know that Alexander the great

was 23 years old when he's already conquered

most of the civilized world?

That's like Jimi Hendrix. Jimi Hendrix was 23

when he wrote are you experienced?

Wow.

Want one?

No, I'm full.

Hey, I'm gonna grab a beer. Want a beer?

Now that I'll take.

UN cerveza, mi amigo.

Oh, you are the man!

Toy!

Hey.

You stole those beers,

and they're comin' out of your pay!

All right, fair enough,

but, um... How is it that you

consider it stealing your beers,

when neither one of US have concealed

the fact that we're drinking them...

In order to quench our thirst and,

therefore, do a better job for ya,

and we had the intention of both informing you

that we drank the beers

and reimbursing the register.

Yeah.

That's a really slick answer.

Thank you.

The truth is...

You are not authorized to help yourselves

to my beer!

No, the truth is, that you have just

strong-armed your way

into an honest situation

and imbued it

with an intensely negative energy

in order to elevate yourself

and your own status in front of your employees.

What the hell are you talkin' about?

Get back to work! Keep your hands off my beer.

That guy is a dickwad.

Yeah, and his plates are chipped.

Is that a chipped plate?

Oh, you know, it could be harmful for the customers.

Morgan, thank you so much.

Oh, no, no, no. Morgan, you can't lay there.

You're screwing up the entire feng shui

of the tent.

Give it a rest, Jason, I'm tired.

No, listen, your head has to be towards the west

and your feet towards the door,

in case ninjas attack. The energy flows better

from your feet to your head.

Good night, Jason.

Where are you going?

None of your business.

[Answering machine beeps]

Hey, it's me.

Are you there? Are you there?

Pick up the phone. All right.

Well, I was just calling to tell you

that I was thinking about you and--

[puppy whimpers]

Oh. Hold on. Hold on a second.

Huh.

Hey.

Hey.

Where's your mama?

Oh, come--come here. Don't be scared.

I'm just a big tall guy.

My name's Jason.

Oh, you just peed.

Come on. Hold on a second.

I got to hang up on Molly. You want to say "hi"?

[High-pitched voice] Hello. Hello.

Oh, my god.

You're the most precious thing in the world.

Yes, you are.

Hey, I got a new friend. I'll call you later.

Morgan: How's Molly?

I want you to take a second

and just look at this.

[Jason laughs]

Whose is it?

He's an orphan. I found him outside.

It's cold and dirty.

I think he should be our new mascot.

Are you crazy? Tell me you're not

actually considering adopting that dog.

Why not?

It's an absolutely nonessential responsibility.

That's why not.

Yeah. Well, it may not be essential to you,

but it's essential to him. It's a big world out there,

and he's just nothing but a little dude.

We're trying to unload our burdens, not add to them.

Shh. Don't scream. It'll hurt his ears.

Oh, god.

No. No. No. I want you to look him in the face

right now and say, "hey, little guy,

"I will not be responsible for you.

"I will not take care of you.

I will not give you a better life."

Little man, I will not be responsible for you.

I will not take care of you,

and I will not give you a better life.

He's just a big old stupid Morgan.

Don't worry about him. Take it back.

Take it back.

All right. All right. I take it back...

But he's out of here in the morning, all right?

Don't look at me like that.

He stinks.

Jason: Oh, what are you getting all antsy about?

You see a kitten? Is that a kitten?

I shall call you...

Jeremiah.

I'll tell you what. When we're on the road,

Morgan's gonna hook you up with some knowledge, kid.

But don't worry about it,

'cause you and I will see the world.

Beautiful cornfields, buttes. You can chase birds.

And you'll be our watchdog. And if there's any trouble,

you give 'em some of this. Uhh! Argh!

How much money you got?

I think 24 bucks.

That's all you got?

That's all we got, huh, buddy?

I bought gas yesterday.

Yeah, and I bought a tank of gas, too. So what?

So, how much money you got?

48 bucks.

You got more money.

Why you always lying about your money?

Yeah, but i'm not spending that.

That's for emergencies only.

[Makes fart noises]

My god, you found ralphie!

Oh! I thought you were eaten by a big fat bear.

I was beginning to think he was lost for good.

Thank you so much.

It was so great of you to find him.

Yeah. You should've heard him last night.

Oh, he was worried sick

about finding the rightful owner.

Well, I really appreciate it.

I don't know what to say

except you guys are really...

Noble.

Yeah.

Bye.

Say bye!

Bye, ralphie. I'm gonna miss that dog.

Don't mock my pain, bro.

Maybe I can find, like, a squirrel or something.

Morgan: Dude, I got one for you. You ready?

Jason: Yeah.

Can a truly omnipotent god

create a rock so large

that he himself couldn't move it?

Dude, it's not even answerable.

Exactly.

My wave.

This is mine.

Get off my wave, bro! Aah.

Morgan: Jason.

Yeah?

Don't leave me hanging.

Uh, I'll be right back.

Kreela, give me 5 minutes.

Keep an eye on this.

Boy, is that kitchen hot.

I know. I'm dying.

Forget about it. Here, I brought you a coke.

Do you want-- thanks.

My name's Jason.

Bridget. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. This reminds me--

I'm reading this book right now

called siddhartha by Herman hesse.

And this moment right here

is shockingly similar

to the moment in the novel when--

Troy, this is-- this is Jason.

What in the hell do you think you're doing?

Troy, please. He's a dish dog, please.

This is my girl.

You new guys come in here,

and you think it's open season

on anything that moves.

Troy.

I have a question. Since when

does an assistant cook own the world?

Hyah!

Ow!

What happened to you?

Senseless violence occurred.

You, my friend, are off your game.

Piss off. At least I play the game.

I refuse to allow your digressions

to distract me from my destiny.

This dishwasher sucks. You know,

at this rate, we're gonna be here till dawn.

Yeah. The sprayer's blocked. Calcium deposits.

Oh. Hey, e.J.!

What?

The, um, I'm sorry, sir, but the machine's broken.

What do you want from me?

Wash 'em by hand.

What a sense of humor he's got.

Why aren't you guys doing anything?

The sprayer's calcified. It needs to be maintenanced.

If I may? Please.

What my partner's driving at

is that the dishwasher needs to be repaired

in order for US to maintain an adequate supply

of clean dishes for you.

You fucking prima Donna wannabe executives.

Shut up and do your job!

And remember, you said you'd work a full day

no matter what. Heh heh.

A foolish consistency

is the hobgoblin of little minds.

This calls for civil disobedience.

It's a moral imperative.

No solution. No problem.

Jason, did you know that for every thousand

hacking at the branches of evil,

there is but one striking the root?

Uh, I know this one. It's Thoreau.

Bingo.

Right. Hey, Morgan. I got a good question.

How deep exactly

do you think these suds are gonna get?

Well, if you calculate the volume

of this particular brand of soap we're using

and factor in that this dishwasher

is capable of cycling 2,000 cubic feet of water

in under an hour, I'd say at least 5 feet.

Oh, my god! Bubbles!

I betcha we got a new record on our hands.

E.j.: Aah!

What the hell are you guys doing now?

Shut the machine off! Shut it off!

Hey. We just work it.

E.j.: What?

Yeah. We don't know how to fix it.

Hey! Where are you going?

Hey. Hey.

Both: I blame you for this.

E.j.: Where you going?

You can't leave me like this!

Nobody walks out on me!

Nobody!

[Insect buzzing]

[Squish]

Morgan: You see that?

Oh...

It's a perfect example.

Your Karma has been drawing violence to you.

And you, in kind, are responding in violence,

thereby perpetuating your own negativity.

I squished a bug, Morgan.

Yeah, but--see, the decision to kill,

whether it's a bug or, you know, a baby,

it's just that-- it's a decision to kill.

A bug or a baby, bro.

All right. All right.

But the bug was bugging me.

All right. Bzzzzz!

So, I decided in turn to just squish it.

Well, I'm glad you're owning that decision.

Just do not underestimate the karmic debt

you're accumulating for yourself.

Oh, hold on a minute. Hold on a minute.

I'm having an epiphany here.

Oh, gosh, look. Hey, I'm channeling the bug.

[Babbles]

Jason, gosh. It's me, the bug.

I'm on the other side, bro.

Say, bro, I'm having a great time in bug heaven.

There are chicks everywhere and tubes.

Dude, go into the light, buggy, buggy, go!

[Squeals]

[Grunts]

I felt it. Did you feel him?

He was with US, brother.

Thank you for taking me to the light.

Bye-bye, Jason.

I don't think you have a full grasp

of the Karma situation, dude.

Bye-bye, bug.

[Engine pings]

[Engine falters]

Whoa. What was that?

What does that mean?

Look how hot it's getting.

I don't know-- what is this?

I don't know. Just pull over!

Dude, that is not good. That is not good.

Really? What was your first indication?

I'm putting you in charge of fixing the fucking thing.

Confucius, please get to the side of the road.

You're in a mood already, aren't you?

Aw, fuck!

Fuck. Shit.

There's, uh, water in the oil, bro.

It's got a cracked head.

Hmm.

Great.

Well, it's at least 15 miles to the next town,

so walking is out.

Dude, looks like waiting's in, huh?

Jason: Come on, you piece of...

Hey, dude. I got it.

Ho--hey! Hey! We got action!

You guys know you're supposed

to put water in these things?

Oh, gosh. Really?

Uh-huh.

Can get it for you,

but it's gonna take a few days.

What, water?

Jase, I got it, buddy. It's all right. I got it.

How much is it gonna cost?

550 plus labor.

550?

Plus labor.

Forget the labor. I can put that in.

Maybe you'd like to sell her?

Dude, no. No. No. Scarlett shall not be sold.

Would you excuse US for just a second?

No. Oh.

What's he trying to do, huh?

Look, we need him right now, all right?

How much money you got?

Uh, like 12.50.

12.50. That's it?

We left in the middle of a shift last night.

How much money do you got?

Almost 50 bucks.

What about the rest of it?

I told you, that's for emergencies only.

Bro, why don't you turn around and look at this guy

and tell me what exactly constitutes an emergency?

Ever see deliverance?

[Laughs]

All right. Come with me.

Uh...

Unfortunately, we've gotten ourselves into a, uh,

somewhat of a predicament here.

I was wondering what you'd, um--

would you-- what would you think

about working out some kind of a deal?

Yeah.

A deal.

All right. On 3.

Hey, you got time to lean, you got time to clean.

You missed a bug. Get it.

[Fly buzzing]

[Toilet flushes]

I blame you for this!

Hey. Come on. This is heavy.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Shit!

This sucks.

Hello?

Jason: Hey. It's, uh, it's me.

I was just dying to hear your voice.

Hey. Hey, how are you doing?

You know. I'm fine.

Uh, so how's Morgan? You guys married yet?

I'm not really sure he's the right guy for me.

You know what-- hold on a second.

I think there's somebody at the door.

[Knocks]

Ok. I'm back.

Who was it?

Aaron. You remember-- from the wedding.

You mean, like, Aaron, argh?

Yo, I thought. I mean, you said--

you said you guys were, like, um, you know,

you were gonna, like, dump him.

That's--i mean, that's what you said, right?

Yeah. Well, you know.

I kind of wanted to let him down easy.

Slowly, right.

Uh, oh, Aaron. Aaron, come on in.

Come on in. I'll be right with you.

Uh, you know what? He's here so I have to go.

Ok.

All right. Call me later, ok? Bye.

[Groans]

Unh unh unh unh unh!

Unh!

Hold it still, all right.

Move it to the left a little.

Dude, I'm holding it.

[Drill revs]

That's my department.

It stopped.

You boys can't be using my air.

Who is this guy, a relative of yours?

Oh, you're just mad 'cause he wouldn't sleep with you.

Now, what are we gonna do?

[Sighs]

Will this help?

[Engine starts]

Hot toy, baby.

Morgan: Yeow!

Whoa!

It's a lot of truck for the money.

So, dude, I was thinking about heading up north,

maybe trying Canada.

Really?

I was thinking about, um, you know,

maybe--maybe going back to oxnard.

I don't want to go back to oxnard.

So?

[Laughs]

I'm wasting my time with you, dude.

So, what else is new?

What did you say?

Nothing.

What do you mean "nothing"?

What does nothing mean? Just that.

It means nothing, zero, zip, zilch, uh, uh,

what's that--dadaism.

Is this about Molly?

That's none of your damn business.

You know what, Jason?

There are 2 great tragedies in this lifetime, my friend.

One is to lose your heart's desire.

The other is to gain it.

Just another bit of wisdom for you to get by on.

You know what, dude?

I am so tired of your so-called wisdoms,

all right? So listen.

Wisdom this: Fuck you.

What did you say?

Which word didn't you understand?

I mean, that's what you're all about, right--words?

Words about this. Words about that.

Morgan, no offense, but I think you'd rather

talk about life than actually live

the damn thing, buddy.

Bro, great example. You see this chip?

Would you, "a"-- rather talk about

the potential yumminess, bro, of this chip...

Or actually taste it, smell it, salivate

over this beautiful, little tiny chip?

Huh? Come on, Morgan.

Huh, what is it? What do you want to do?

Live the chip, baby! What the fuck do you want,

talk or feel?

Oh, I'm sorry.

You got to call frost to talk about it?

See, if it was up to me. Bro, you see this chip?

I want to taste it...

'Cause I think personally that chip

tastes pretty damn good to me.

So, do you want to go to Canada or what?

It's cold in Canada, bro.

I want to go to oxnard.

Shit.

Whatever, dude.

Don't "whatever, dude" me!

Whatever.

Fuck you, whatever!

Hey, I'll just, uh-- I'll grab the rest

of my stuff later, all right?

Morgan: Guess so.

Take it easy.

Molly!

What?

I was fast, wasn't I?

No. No, you were perfect.

[Sighs]

Then why are you so sad?

It's just that it was so great.

The whole picket fence thing, huh?

I just love you too much.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Uh-uh.

Don't be sorry.

[Laughs]

Come here.

Kiss me.

Jason is addicted to Molly.

He can't even do his job without thinking about her.

You should see him. It's pathetic.

Or on the other hand, you could say that, uh,

Jason has the courage to challenge his own ideals.

His own ideals?

What about the commitment to a quest?

You, uh, you two set out to become philosopher-warriors.

Jason comes back a lover.

Now, where's the tragedy in that?

It makes him weak.

In other words, just being plain old ordinary normal,

that's--that's a bad thing.

I'd rather be dead.

Now, that sounds like a recipe for tragedy.

Lighten up, Morgan.

Hey.

Just came to get some, uh, cds out of Scarlett.

Knock yourself out.

You know, I decided to take that manager's job

at the outback.

Well, that's how the cancer of domesticity sets in.

I'm glad you're concerned about my well-being.

I'm tired, man.

All we ever do is drive and wash

and wash and drive again.

I--you know, nothing ever really happens.

Maybe I'm not a real philosopher.

Did you ever think about that?

Do you ever think that I, Jason,

am stopping you, Morgan, from having, like,

our great epiphany?

Maybe I'm not cut out to be this--

this real philosopher. Maybe that's not what I am.

You're rationalizing your emotions, dude.

Look, dude. I am setting you free, man.

You don't have to explain anything to me ever again.

There's nothing holding you back.

You have no excuses.

What about the exchange of ideas?

What about the philosophical dialogue,

freedom above all?

I'm taking the job.

I'm sorry if I bummed you out.

What about Scarlett?

I want you to keep her.

I kind of like the idea we both still own her.

I mean, my god,

this has been the best time of my life...

Like, ever. Seriously.

I mean, you were like a brother to me,

you know that?

I never had a friend like that.

You taught me shit I didn't even know

I needed to know.

It's like you accepted me in the pantheon

of great philosophers,

and you and I both know, man,

I am not made to be in the pantheon

of great philosophers.

But you put me there.

Do you know how much that means to me?

I love you, bro.

Come here.

That's great.

Just great.

[Rock music playing]

Boy, are you a glutton for punishment.

I never thought I'd see you again.

I just needed a quiet place to think.

Why? What happened to you?

Nothing.

Ok. Well, I'm off work, so I'll see you around.

No!

I mean, stay, please.

Ok.

You know...

I'm sorry I was so hard on you before.

It's just that we get so many strange guys in here.

What happened?

It's a...

You know my partner Jason?

He quit.

You know what?

I don't need to bore you with this shit.

I'm out of here.

[Groans]

Give me your keys.

Anne: Ok.

Give me the keys.

You want-- can you do it?

Mm-hmm. No problem.

Be careful.

[Sighs]

I got it.

It goes straight.

I got it.

Ok.

[Crash]

Anne: Here you go.

Good. Good.

Here, the light.

Ooh. Oh, step.

Here, I'll put you here.

Got it? Mm-hmm.

Now, that's the couch.

There you go.

Good boy.

Up. Oh, there you go.

[Laughs]

Hi.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What a pleasant surprise.

I'm Anne.

Your friend got sort of trashed,

so I drove him home.

Well, that's very nice of you to take care of him.

Yeah. He's kind of sweet when he's quiet.

Uh, can I get you anything?

Oh, no, thanks.

He just seemed really sad.

Morgan and his buddy Jason had kind of a pact,

which had assumed mythological proportions

for Morgan.

The dissolution of this pact has forced him

to do some serious soul-searching.

He's having a hard time.

Well, he ought to know that there's always hope.

"Even water in time cuts through stone."

Confucius.

So, are all you guys philosophers or what?

Well, we certainly try to give the idea some calories.

Look, Anne. Why don't you, uh,

don't you stretch out on this recliner here?

Oh, no. I couldn't.

What? How are you gonna get home?

Um, call a cab?

No. I'd never forgive myself

for sending you out in the middle of the night.

Well, I'll get you a pillow.

It's like bungee jumping.

I'm not saying I'm not going to do it.

It's just not something I can see myself doing.

Yeah, but you say that

not 'cause you don't want to get married,

but because you're afraid you're not gonna

find the right guy.

Well, who knows if i'm gonna meet the right person.

I mean, it's a gamble.

I'm not gonna close my heart to it.

Well, I'm not gonna do something

because my parents did it.

And I'm not gonna do it because society tells me to

or because I get a tax break

or even when my heart tells me to.

I'm going to do it when it makes sense,

when my brain tells me to.

I think the heart deserves equal time.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning?

No, me.

And thanks for the compliment.

Eggs?

Oh, thank you.

Mm-hmm. And spuds.

No, thanks. No potatoes for me.

I have to watch my figure.

Well, I'd be happy to do it for you.

If you wanted some,

why didn't you just ask for 'em?

Oh, no, too fattening.

You're thin.

That's because I don't eat fattening food.

No. You eat 'em.

You just don't have them put on your plate.

Everything all right?

What do you mean? All right with me,

all right with you,

all right here in this room,

or on earth, in the universe?

Morgan needs more potatoes, please.

Can you explain something for me?

Sure.

Why do you always answer a question with a question?

Isn't that what philosophers do?

Come on, Morgan.

It's never too late to postpone your epiphany.

Anne: What do you think of this one, Morgan?

In terms of what?

A bra.

It's a bra.

Come on. Help me find something.

I want to wear something you like.

What's not to like?

How about white?

Sure.

Sure. Do you like turquoise?

Uh, yeah.

Turquoise is fine. Any--you know, whatever.

Ok. I'm gonna go try them on.

Ok.

Come on, Morgan.

Could you come in here, please?

I don't think I'm allowed back in there.

Morgan!

You know, I always sort of envisioned women's apparel

as a sacred space, you know. I...

Get in here!

Let's go.

Phew. My god.

Come on in. Check it out.

I, uh, I shouldn't.

Come on. You know you want to.

Yeah, but what does that have to do with anything.

Really, I...

We should say good-bye right here.

Please?

Ok.

[Anne laughs]

I never really knew my mom so my dad was my whole life.

We moved around a lot because he was in the army.

You know, it was a good thing.

It helped me to be more independent and open-minded.

Thanks.

Yeah.

After my dad died,

I came to this realization.

I realized that the incredible amount of pain

I was capable of feeling was a direct reflection

of the amount of love I was capable of feeling.

It's all the same thing.

What?

Nothing.

It's just the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

You know, Morgan,

there is still hope for you.

So...

What do we do now?

Mmm!

Hmm.

Hmm.

So, who talks first?

Why do I get the feeling that you're scared of me?

No, I'm not--

[scoffs]

I'm not scared.

I've just...

Made a conscious decision.

To do what, not feel?

Exactly. I mean, I hate the fact

that I feel good about you.

It's very confusing. It's not part of my plan.

What we've done here has created an enormous dilemma.

Well, it felt good to me.

See, that's exactly the problem.

It feels good. It's like drugs.

You know, first you do a little bit,

and then you do a little bit more

and a little bit more, and before you know it,

you're addicted.

All because of a simple lack of discipline and foresight,

your free will goes right down the toilet.

Sorry.

I guess when i--

I get nervous I kick into my hyper-analytic mode,

which I've been in now for the last 26 years

that I can think of.

It's ok. Don't trip about it.

Don't trip about anything.

[Yawns]

Does somebody need a hug?

I need a guillotine.

Do you want some breakfast?

Breakfast?

Uh-oh. Have I created

another humongous dilemma?

It may just seem like breakfast to you,

but the ramifications could be life-altering.

Life-altering?

Morgan, you are really starting to piss me off.

I'm talking calories, not commitment.

Ok. You know what? Fine.

Heads or tails?

What are you doing?

Come on. You're not gonna let

a random mathematical outcome determine your action.

No, your action.

I'm having breakfast no matter what,

but you cannot make a simple decision

without weighing its impact

on the entire future of mankind.

So choose, damn it.

Heads or tails?

Come on. Are you serious?

Heads or tails. Uh, how to choose.

Heads. No, no, no. Wait.

Let's, uh, you can go for tails.

Tails would work just as easily, yeah.

Tails it is. Let it be tails.

Heads. No breakfast. Good-bye.

Should've gone for heads. Unbelievable.

Let me get this straight.

What you're saying is you're kicking me out.

I want to be absolutely crystal clear on this.

I have to leave now?

Yes, Morgan.

I had a really good time last night,

but it makes me feel bad

that you don't feel good about it.

Am I making myself clear?

See, I know I'm gonna want to see you again,

and if I see you again,

we're just gonna end up having more glorious sex,

and if we have more glorious sex,

I'm gonna get overly attached, and that attachment

will inevitably lead to complications.

Morgan, you're not listening to me.

There are no complications.

You're free to go.

Now?

You know, for a guy who is

so good with words, it's hard to believe

you don't understand 2 simple ones.

Get out! Don't call me anymore.

Don't stop by for surprise visits.

Don't write. Don't send a postcard.

As a matter of fact, don't do anything,

which, by the way,

seems to be what you are most fond of doing.

It's been nice knowing you. Have a nice day!

Morgan: Are you serious?

Aaah!

Aaah!

Jason: I'm going downhill.

Thinking the skier.

Molly: Yeah, I'm pedaling along.

Wait, wait, hold on.

I can't hold on.

Going too fast!

Aah!

[Molly shrieks] Now stop.

Aah!

Ok. Unh!

Aah, ha ha!

Look what I got.

My hero.

Oh, baby, oh.

See, if I had a choice--

this is nice.

Just spend the rest of the day right here.

Yeah.

In the park.

Who needs rollerblades.

Rollerblading's for kids.

Yeah.

What was that for?

For being you.

Aah!

All right. Serious moment.

Come here. Come here.

What?

Closer.

What?

Closer.

Um...

Oh.

That was really sweet.

Will you marry me?

Jason, stop it.

[Giggles] What?

I'm serious.

What?

I want you...

To be my wife.

Please?

You're serious?

You mad at me?

I'm passionately, desperately

in love with you.

Please love me back.

Is that a y--

yes! It's a yes! Of course it's a yes.

Ohh! I love you.

Oh, I love you.

Hey. What's up?

The surf. How are you?

Mostly confusion.

Good. That means you're alive.

I spend so much time nourishing my free will,

and then I meet this girl,

and I can't get her out of my head.

Hey, consider yourself lucky.

Why?

You're the only person

I know that would ask that question.

Well if you think I'm so lucky,

why don't you let a woman into your life?

I did once. Hawaii.

I was working on my ph.D.,

and I was crazy about her.

We made love on the beach every day.

Every night, too.

When I was young, love was easy.

I figured there'd always be another one

just around the corner.

What happened to her?

She moved on.

So are you saying that you're sorry

that you didn't get married?

I made a choice.

Was it the right choice? Who knows?

I can't believe you'd even consider it.

Morgan, did you ever consider

that your constant contemplation

of these questions is a privilege

that you take for granted?

You taught me to-- to search for the truth!

Yeah, that's a privilege.

A luxury of the rich. Most people in the world

are too busy trying to find shelter,

enough food for their kids.

What about man and Superman?

Ah, did you learn anything at all

from Shaw? From Nietzsche?

You make a choice. Good or bad,

you learn how to live with that choice.

That's what Superman is really all about.

Everything seemed so simple, so clear last month.

I mean, freedom above all!

I never realized what a bonehead you could be.

You think this is a midterm exam?

You can just think your way to the right answer?

The final answer?

Voltaire nailed it.

"Doubt is not a pleasant condition,

"but certainty," Morgan,

"certainty is absurd."

This is your life. Right now.

100 years from now, none of this,

absolutely none of this shit

is gonna mean a good god-damn.

You could miss the biggest wave

of your life if you're just

sitting on the beach thinking about it.

Surf is up, dude.

Yeah.

Waiter: Coming through.

Hot plate coming through.

Waitress: Sorry.

Slow down, everyone.

Everything all right?

Mm-hmm.

Waiter: Need a fresh pot of decaf.

Hey, boss, we're all out of clean dishes.

Uh, what time is the dishdog supposed--

I mean, the dishwasher supposed to be here?

4:30.

4:30. Ok.

Uh, heh, he's fired.

Finally.

Something to do.

Ooh, sorry.

Mary, have you seen Jason?

He's in the back washing dishes.

Great.

Good seeing you again!

Good seeing you, too.

Hey.

Thought you'd be on the road by now.

Yeah, I just came to say good-bye.

I can see you're pretty busy.

Yeah, the, uh, dishdog, he didn't show up.

So I gotta fire him. Ha ha ha.

Thanks for everything.

No problem.

Thank you.

See ya.

Take care.

Move over.

Ha ha ha!

[Together] I blame you for this!

* I got the weekend off and the summer's set *

* believe it's about time to breeze *

* with the ragtop down we can do anything *

* there's no place I would rather be *

* I can guarantee nothing, this view will do *

* past time to let it go

* this place is always alive and it's the bottom line *

* it's my freedom above all *

* it's out of sight

* couldn't be better I got today *

* out of sight

* wheel and deal, 'cause I'm free tonight *

* till the summer sets

* till the summer sets

* watch the ladies dance, got a beer in my hand *

* saw a girl, and this is life *

* plus movin' play to the top of the lines *

* my freedom above all

* this is out of sight

* couldn't be better I got today *

* tears of night

[groans]

So.

I'm gettin' married.

Oh, did I say that right?

Yup. I'm gettin' married.

2 weeks from now with Molly on the beach.

And please do not give me that "man with a past" speech.

What's the rush?

There's no rush.

This is what I want to do.

See, I knew you were gonna react like that.

It's like this. It's like...

I'm on a crest of a wave.

Right? And I have, like, a nanosecond to decide.

Am I gonna surf that wave,

or am I gonna pass and take the next one?

And my instincts are telling me

I gotta surf this wave, man.

What if your instincts are wrong?

Then I get crushed.

But if my instincts are right,

I'm in a gnarly barrel for, like, 5 minutes.

I come out the other side, and everyone on the beach

is standing up screaming, "Jason! Aaah!"

Aw, come on.

What's the matter with you?

Well, normally,

if you decide to take a wave

and I decide to skip it, I know that later on

I'm gonna see you on the beach.

Well, my instincts are telling me

that it's not gonna be like that this time.

We can't go there.

Come on, man.

A permanent job? Marriage?

What's next?

Happiness?

Satisfaction?

What is it you like so much about Molly?

I like the way...

She smells.

Jason, a Rose by any other name

still has thorns.

Who'd you steal that from?

You know what? It's your life.

Do what you want.

You know what I want?

I want my best friend

to be my best man.

Wash your own fucking dishes.

* gotta do something 'bout this *

* endless situation

[thunder]

* baby, you belong

* hey

[couple arguing]

* outside this sexy skin

woman: All right, I won't open it, ok?

* feel the good faith

* and feel

* this world in such a place *

* of course we're livin'

* don't do me wrong

[dialing phone]

* of course they say

* I'm so sure

[phone ringing]

Yeah, baby dolls.

Hello, baby dolls.

[Dial tone]

Asshole.

* we'll be all right

* hey hey hey

* show me how to live

* hold you, running to you

I blame you for this.

* it's all right

* that's all

* I want to run away from here *

* you want me to end this, endless woman *

* I got it all back together, dear *

* I hope I get that far

* is this the swing

* that's in the playground field *

* I gotta get out of here

* I cross my street with a part *

* of your bad blood and steel *

* of time I have no fear

* gonna get out of this town *

* yeah

* before my name's in stone *

* before this mindless fever bring me down *

[laughing]

[Thunder]

* of course we're livin'

* don't do me wrong

* of course they say

* I'm so sure

* I'm all right

[laughing]

* gonna be all right

* hey hey

* show me how to live

[laughing]

* hold you, running to you

* no, it's all right

ha ha ha ha!

* all right

[laughing]

All right, all right.

10 seconds, please. 10 seconds.

Ladies and gentlemen, please prepare to welcome

one of our house favorites.

She's oh, so delicious.

She's hyper-gorgeous.

She's our own avenging angel,

antoinette!

Anne, I need to talk to you.

Go away, Morgan. Please.

I just have to talk to you for 30 seconds.

Now is not a good time.

You're making me miss my cue.

Would you please just go away?

Ladies and gentlemen, antoinette!

Please, just 30 seconds is all I ask.

I have something I want to get off my chest--

Morgan, go away!

Please, it'll--

didn't you hear what she said?

Yeah, I heard her,

I just want to talk to her.

Well, that's too bad.

You don't-- Mr., uh...

DeWitt.

Mr. DeWitt, I think I have

very profound feelings for this girl.

I think I may even be in love with her.

You are?

You are?

Do you think she gives a shit?

Hey, wait a minute!

DeWitt: Coming through!

Come on.

Anne?

Ow, shit!

God.

God.

Damn.

Go home, son. I got my good shirt on.

There is no need for violence.

We are 2 adult human beings

with a capacity and intellect--

as best I can assess-- who should be able

to work through this moment.

Fine. Assess this.

Get outta here before I kick your ass

back to wherever you came from.

There's absolutely no need to indulge

in the vile savagery

which you are currently propagating.

I would simply like for a moment

to speak with the lady.

And I said get the hell outta here!

Unh!

Aargh!

Aagh!

I swear to god you've got 5 seconds to break it up,

or I'm gonna do something really...Awful.

You little--

5...

4...

3...

2...

1...

Thank you.

Anne, sweetie--

Anne: Shh...J-J-Just--

now, Morgan, what the hell

is your problem?

In relative terms,

I think I love you.

Oh, that's nice.

In relative terms you think you love me.

It's true.

I do.

Would it help you or hurt you to know

that I might,

actually, possibly,

love you, too?

It would hurt. It hurts so much.

But that's what I'm trying to tell you.

I've never felt this way

about anyone in my entire life.

And now I've got this huge load because

my existentialist code demands that I maintain

a--a dedication to a quest,

and my heart--my heart is screaming at my brain

please shut up!

I never thought I could say this

and still respect myself.

But, Anne, I love you.

I love you, therefore I have to leave.

I'm sorry. I love you.

I love you.

What?

I'm sorry.

Aaagh!

How's this for an epiphany?

Are you fucking crazy?

I'm an army brat, remember?

Never point an unloaded weapon!

Look what she did here! She shot the tires out!

Those are real bullets! That's a gun you're using!

Jesus, you know how much that's gonna cost?

Scarlett, Christ almighty.

Hey!

Hey!

What's up, baby?

I didn't think you were gonna make it.

I didn't think I was, either.

I wasn't sure I was still welcome.

Oh, duh!

I'm sorry I was such an asshole.

No solution.

Baby, there's no problem!

Ha ha ha!

Too late to be the best man?

Never. Come here.

Oh, hi. Hi.

Uh, here.

What's this?

A wedding constitutes an emergency.

Morgan...

You shouldn't have.

Go buy yourself a home appliance.

Something Molly would like.

[Playing wedding march Jimi Hendrix-style]

Now, eh, before we go any further,

if anyone here has any reason

why these 2 young people

should not be joined together,

shut up.

No, not me.

Now, Jason...

Do you promise

that you shall be

the most righteously awesome dude possible

toward Molly

through every wave

that crashes along life's beach?

Totally.

Totally.

And do you, Molly,

do you swear to share fully and absolutely

your soul energy with this human being

that we call Jason?

Hell, yes.

And now Jason has prepared

something special for Molly

and for all of US. Jason?

I wrote this last night at my bachelor party.

It's, uh, a song for Molly.

* just want to stop and tell you *

* you make me splendid happy *

* your precious smile

* delicious laugh

* your wit, so quick and snappy *

* you're tall and lean, you're my mean machine *

* you're the girlfriend of my dreams *

* I cannot help to wish real hard *

* that we will always be

* honey, you're a superbabe *

* you're my superstar

* you're the super perfect girl *

* honey, you're the superbabe *

* you're my superstar

* you're the supersonic

* love of my life

* I'm asking you to be with me *

* for my entire life

* you're superhot

* I love you a lot

* I want you to be my wife

* I want you to be my girl

* forever you'll rock my world *

* honey, you're a superbabe *

* you're a superstar

* you're a super perfect girl *

* honey, you're a superbabe *

* you're my superstar

* you're the supersonic

* love of my life

I love you.

Frost: Now by the power vested in me

by the state of nirvana,

I hereby pronounce you soul mates for life,

or for as long as it's cool

for both of you.

So help me god, the mother.

You can kiss her.

But just a kiss.

Ok.

[Band plays bridal chorus]

Watch the road!

I got it.

Morgan: Do you promise

never to refer to this as a formal relationship

or in any way a thing of permanence?

I do.

On the condition that you won't force-feed me

your pointy-headed, mensa-minded

theoretical hyperbole.

Ha ha ha ha.

I do on one condition.

What?

That you promise never to inhibit

my philosophical pursuits with emotional

or sentimental heartfelt goo.

Anne: I do.

Only if you swear never to interfere

with my carefree, fun-loving,

don't-even-think- about-telling-me-

how-to-run-my-life attitude.

[Laughs] Oh, you're killing me!

* honey, you're a superbabe *

* you're a superstar

* you're a super perfect girl *

* honey, you're a superbabe *

* you're my superstar

* you're the supersonic

* love of my life

* just want to stop and tell you *

* you make me splendid happy *

* your precious smile

* delicious laugh

* your wit, so clever and snappy *

* you're tall and lean, you're my mean machine *

* you're the girlfriend of my dreams *

* I cannot help but wish real hard *

* that we will always be

* honey, you're a superbabe *

* you're my superstar

* you're the super perfect girl *

* honey, you're a superbabe *

* you're my superstar

* you're the supersonic

* love of my life

* I'm asking you to be with me *

* for my entire life

* you're super hot

* I love you a lot

* I want you to be my wife

* I want you to be my girl

* forever we'll rock this world *

* honey, you're a superbabe *

* you're my superstar

* you're the super perfect girl *

* honey, you're a superbabe *

* you're my superstar

* you're the supersonic

* love of my life

* of course we're livin'

* don't do me wrong

* of course they say

* I'm so sure

* I'm all right

* you're gonna be all right *

* hey hey hey

* show me how to live

* hold you running

* soon you know it's all right... *

captioning made possible by trimark home video

captioned by the national captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--