All language subtitles for Baby Daddy - 5x14 - Not So Great Grandma.HDTV.FLEET.en

Yes! Finally a shot
of your Grandma Bon-Bon

without a glass of wine in her hand.

We're making your family tree,
not your family vineyard.

Stupid paste.

Hey! Whatever you do, don't try
to get it off with the other hand...

then your shoe... then the wall.
It's just a vicious cycle.

I'm just helping Emma out
with a school project.

And from the looks of this,
I think everyone will know

the Wheelers are a pretty classy bunch.

Bam! Guess who just punched
an 80-year-old for this baby?

Hey, if you're old enough
to hit the sales rack,

you're old enough to take
a hanger to the head.

I will definitely be the hottest mom

at the preschool's Family Night.

First of all, you're not Emma's mom,

and second of all, we already
voted, and it's Lacey's mom.

Hey, do we have any
pictures of Nana Lyle?

My mother? God, no. She
doesn't show up on film.

I love Nana Lyle.

Danny, how could you?
You met her like four times.

She always sends me cards
for my birthday and Christmas.

And that one time I got really sick,

she sent a get well card, then I did!

She's magical. Why do you hate her?

I don't hate her. I just
wouldn't be wrecked

if she shriveled up and blew away.

So... want some help?

Pretty sure I can handle doing a
two-year-old's homework on my own.

See?

Oh, hey!

You found a picture of me

without a glass of wine in my hand.

Must've been pregnant.

Baby Daddy - 05x14 - Not So Great Grandma

Okay. Play it again, play it again.

So, expect just a few clouds
early in the day.

I'm Tucker Dobbs, the forecast
machine on your TV screen.

Back to you, Pamela.

That's Tucker Dobbs with the weather.

Uh, Tucker, any big plans
for the weekend?

Nope.

Back to you, Pamela.

Well, maybe you'll head to the beach?

I said, "Back to you, Pamela."

Well, it sounds like the weather's
gonna be pretty nice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's literally what I just said.

Time for you to do your job now!

- Okay.
- Do not attempt

to adjust your television screens.

Tucker Dobbs really is horrible.

Back to you, Bonnie.

Oh, I can't talk good.
Back to you, Riley!

Hey! Hey! I told you guys
to stop watching this.

All right, and it's not even my fault.

Nobody told me I had to chit chat.

You want spontaneous,

you have to give me some warning.

Oh my god, you know what?
I can help you with that.

I just signed up for this improv class

to help with my courtroom repartee.

Totally my decision.

It's not at all forced on me.

100 percent everybody does it.

Okay, yeah, well, I don't even
need to take improv class

because I'm...

Well, the reason is... is...

Okay, maybe I do need to take improv.

We can sign up online at my place.

Hey, Mom, don't forget
tomorrow is Family Day,

so I'm gonna need you on time, sober,

and dressed at least PG-13.

Mild nudity, got it.

But I also wanted to give you

a little heads-up that we're gonna have

at least one small addition
to Family Day.

If your father brings his new wife,
Steve, I get to dress R-rated.

And it's "hell no" to sober.

What? No. Nana Lyle is coming.

What have you done?

Well, you didn't have her picture,
so I invited the real deal.

She needs to meet Emma.

Okay, okay, fine. Just make
sure that you give me

a little warning before she gets here.

Cancel your plans, boys, you've
got a hot date with your Nana Lyle.

I brought a gift for Emma,

but I didn't bring anything
for you boys.

Wait a minute. What's this?

Yay!

Why am I not shocked they're all ones?

Oh my god, look at you boys,
you're so beautiful.

And how's my little angel?

Oh, you know, I'm good.

- I meant this one.
- Okay.

The only angel you have

is tattooed on your ass, sweetie.

Oh, you're just gorgeous.

Oh my goodness. She looks just like you.

And you look just like
me, so, you're welcome.

Can I see you boys for a sec?

You two wouldn't understand what it's
like to have a terrible mother,

because you have me!

But there are a lot of people out
there who don't like their mothers.

- Well, we...
- Pick your battles, bro.

You need to get rid of her.

No. You need to suck it up or suck it in,
or suck whoever needs to get sucked,

so we can have a beautiful weekend

where Emma gets to hang out with
her wonderful great-grandmother.

She gave us cash, Mom,

And you know that carries a
lot of weight in this family.

Okay. Fine. But when Emma
is emotionally scarred

by that ice cap in spandex,
don't blame me.

♪ Out came the sun and
dried up all the rain ♪

♪ And the itsy-bitsy spider
crawled up the spout again ♪

Wow. What a monster.

- You never sang to me.
- Shut up.

Okay, everybody, here
we go, deep breaths and...

ooh, let's warm it up.

It's banana time!

Form banana, form a banana.

Peel banana, peel a banana.

Go bananas! Go, go bananas!

What fresh fruit-themed
hell have you brought me to?

- I'm out.
- Tucker, come on.

It's a great way for us
to challenge ourselves.

Plus, it's non-refundable.

Come on in, guys, don't be shy.

I'm Stanley, your fearless guide

to the wonderful world of improvisation.

In just one week, you'll learn

to talk your way out of any situation.

Oh, cool. Can I get a refund
on this improv class?

Cute.

Okay, everybody, we need to warm up

our instruments, all right?

You're a slice of bacon, now sizzle!

Are you kidding me?

How is being bacon gonna
help me be a weatherman?

God, Tucker, come on, just try it.

This bacon is guilty...
of being delicious!

I already feel like a better lawyer.

Nice sizzle. Oh, come on... more sizzle.

More. Just sizzle!

Oh, you're in a pan
and you're sizzling bacon!

Good. Even more!

I am so impressed with
you boys owning your own bar.

I hope you set a limit on free drinks

or somebody here is gonna gluggity
glugg you right out of business.

Am I right?

Ooh, oh, and what's that?

You just carry that around

in the off chance you might
need to strip paint?

Huh?

I am a sipper. Oh, add
a "T" and an "R" to that,

and we have your mother's first job.

Mom... you were a sippsterr?

Stripper, Danny. Mom was a stripper...

Mom, you were a stripper?

No! I was a model.

For who? Planned Parenthood?

Now, where's the ladies'?

Not sittin' here.

Right that way, Nana, take your time.

Whoa, she's just like you!
I always wanted a second mom.

Now it's okay if we break one.

Please... I am nothing like my mother.

You're right. She gives us stuff.

Other than a bad time.

Look, just make it through this lunch,
and you'll be done for the day.

Nana's grabbing Emma from preschool
and taking her shopping.

What? You can't leave
that woman alone with Emma.

Unless you think "How I got
to Third Base with Sinatra"

is an appropriate story
for a two-year-old.

It's not.

And what's a "sippsterr"?

What's a Sinatra?

Next stop, fourth floor...
handbags and old bags.

For the love of God, Mother, the
girls are out of the barn. Zip up.

Hold my purse.

Mom? Mom? Mom?

Now you decide to answer my prayers?

I'm gonna get blamed for this, aren't I?

I don't understand. How do
you lose an entire person?

She lost me in the grocery
store when I was 10.

And accidentally drove
off with a 20-year-old.

You guys were exactly the same size.

Well, you need to call
the store and find her.

I did! I also went to
the lost and found,

and was very specific
about what I was looking for.

About yay big, no soul, smells like gin,

repelled by garlic, has no shadow,

answers to "Hey, old bitch!"

Don't worry, she will call eventually.

With what? You have her
purse and her phone.

Oh, you did this on purpose
because you're jealous of her.

She's honing in on your grandma
territory and Emma loves her.

Jealous? Of what?

She's a booze-soaked bottle blonde who's

never met a man she couldn't bed

or a bar she couldn't close down.

Wait, who are we talking about again?

Wait, guys, I really think
we're nailing this improv thing.

Quick, give me an occupation
and a location.

You're an annoying roommate
with bad timing.

Got it. I'm Ben. I work at a bar,

and I make all my friends
babysit my kid.

Dude, that was spot on.

Maybe we should go
work on our scenes, like...

let's write some amazing
stuff to ad lib.

Seriously, they own the joint.

So, drink up, Hanky, and then
we'll get to the panky.

My god, there you are.

I was so worried about you.

Worried, casket shopping... same thing.

Hey, guys, pull up a chair.

This is my new friend,
Hank. Hank, these are my sons,

and this is my older sister.

Be cool.

Okay, let's grab a suggestion from the

hat and see where this scene takes us.

Hey. Ah!

The location is the WNY-8 weather desk.

You guys, this is a good one.

This feels fresh.

Okay, guys, improvise!

What are the chances that a
weatherman would need a lawyer?

I murdered my co-worker
Pamela for talking too much.

Well, perhaps I can help
you win your case,

because I'm an amazing attorney.

Stop! Stop, stop.

Did you two actually
pre-write your scene?

Yeah, how else are we
supposed to make it good?

Perhaps missing the point.

Let's try something else.

You two start a scene,
and when you hear the bell,

whoever spoke last has to change

what they said...

has to come up with something new...

has to alter their lines.

I don't charge enough for these classes.

Here we go.

The location... the moon.

Did you say "courtroom"?

Moon! Go.

Um, uh, don't open
the hatch or we'll die!

I can't believe you ate the manual,
and we can't fly home!

What? That was a great line.

You have to do a new line
when the bell rings.

Yeah, but my line was good, hers sucked.

Make her do another line.

Oh, that's how we playing it?

Ring it again. I dare you.

I remember doing this with your
mom when she was a little girl.

Well, then, I must've
had a secret sister,

because you sure as hell
aren't talking about me!

Hi, Emma. Ready to take
your family picture?

Gosh, you can see how much
she really loves her grandma.

Great-grandma.

Actually not great, just old.

Not really grandma, either.
More like an acquaintance.

Let's just call her
Old Lady Acquaintance.

- Let me hold her.
- I was holding her.

Okay, how about we just let go
of the innocent baby, all right?

I'm the grandmother.

- I'm the great-grandmother.
- You heard him, let go.

I don't want to let... oh!

Oh my god! Nana Lyle, are you okay?

It's Family Day, for God's sake,
can't you just keep it together?

Me? What about her?

Well... obviously, I'm not
wanted by my own family.

But that's all right...
I'm just a poor old lady

who hasn't been feeling very well
lately and doesn't have much time.

- You're dying?
- No, my plane leaves tomorrow.

- Nana, wait!
- But...

What are you lookin' at, Parker?

Like you've never seen an old
lady get her ass kicked before?

It's fine. I'll just go back
home where I'm wanted.

But we all want you here, all of us.

Every single one of us.

- Tell her, Danny.
- Yep. Totally. All of us.

For sure, 100 percent. Just not Mom.

You know, I've just learned to laugh

at all her craziness, so it's okay.

I'll wait 'til it passes,
it always does.

Now I'll go say goodbye to Emma.

Oh, I wanna tell her my Sinatra
story before I leave.

I don't know what's so hard about
being nice to the person

who gave you life. Mom's such as ass.

Okay... so what if I'm a lawyer
who stuck in a washing machine,

and I have to argue my way out?

'Ello, matey. Care for a dryer sheet?

I just ad-libbed all of that.

Yes.

Hey, don't forget about
our performance tonight, guys.

It's completely free, but there's
a two-drink minimum.

Also, admission is 10 bucks. You know, I

don't even know why I said it was free.

You know what, Danny? That's the answer.

We just need to get
Mom and Nana in one place,

and get them calm enough to
have an honest conversation.

And they'll find a way
to laugh it all off.

Okay, you take Mom and I'll take Nana.

- Why do I always get Mom?
- Because you're her favorite.

I didn't know you knew.

I always assumed,
but now I know for sure.

I'm tired of being her favorite.

I know, but I've worked
really hard not to be.

Danny.

Wait a second. This isn't a free,
all-you-can-drink wine tasting.

What are you doing here?

What is she doing here?
You said she wasn't coming.

What? Like it's the first time
somebody was manipulated

into being in the same room as you?

How is Dad, by the way?

Well, I for one, think we are all
gonna laugh about this one day.

Soon. Hopefully real soon.

Hey, what do you say we all
go out for a drink after this,

and have a nice chat?
Who's in? I know I am.

Oh, look, the show's starting.

Thank you. And welcome, family and
friends, to our student showcase.

My name is Stanley Dexenberry,

though I'm quite sure
all of you already know me...

thanks to my one-man show, "Stanley
Dexenberry, a One-Man Show."

Thank you.

Now, let's kick things off
with the Director's Cut.

Can I have the name of a fairy tale?

Oh, right here, I know...

Cinderella. It's Riley's favorite.

Now, because our students
are new, let's help them out

and suggest characters for them to play.

How about a cold, distant mother,
who never gave her daughter

a moment of support?

So the actual character from Cinderella.

And for Riley?

How about an ungrateful daughter,

who's always upset about something
stupid and meaningless?

Why do I even try?

Okay, guys, let's improvise!

All I wanna do is go to the ball,

and you won't let me.

I should probably get a lawyer.

The last time you went to
a ball, you came home drunk

and barfed in my car.

But tomorrow the sun will come out,

and it should be in the low 70s.

It sure is nice to be spending
time with the family.

Something I wasn't allowed to do before.

- Here we go.
- Here we go where?

Here we go rewriting history.

Honestly, Bonnie, I have done
nothing but support you.

All I've ever wanted is to
be part of this family.

I love the boys, I love Emma,

I just don't know what your problem is.

Uh-huh. My problem?

You don't know what my problem is?

Well... here's a hint.

It's you.

You think you supported and loved me?

When? How?

Yes, mother, I got pregnant
when I was 17,

not exactly the highlight of homecoming.

But I did the best I could
for a terrified teenager.

And what did you, my mother, do? Hmm?

You threw me out of the house.

Thankfully, Ray's family took me in.

But even that wasn't enough
for you, was it?

I've had enough.

Oh, I am just
getting started, old woman.

You didn't come to my wedding,

because you said I was an embarrassment.

And then you simply disowned me.

Oh, I believe your words were,
"You don't have a mother."

You refused to see Danny
until he was four.

And then when Ben came
along, you told me

that I was ruining my life,
and adding another dumbo

to an already stupid family tree.

Oh, but the true icing on the crap
cake was what you said to me

when I told you that Ben was a father
to a beautiful little girl.

Do you remember that lovely
letter you sent, Ma?

Huh? "The rotten apple

"doesn't fall far from the rotten tree.

He's a dummy... just like his mommy."

So guess what, you cold, heartless,

liquor-filled excuse for a mother?

You don't get to have
this family. It is mine!

Can we take a five?
I'm gonna call my mother.

Mom. I'm sorry, we had no idea.

Why didn't you tell us?

I didn't want you to know.

What about all the cards
and letters she sent us?

I sent them.

I was just trying to
protect you from her.

And you did. I am so sorry.

You deserve a great mom,

because you've always been one to us.

And don't worry about
Nana Lyle. We don't need her.

Look... I know I'm not
perfect, but I did the best that I could.

I didn't know how to raise kids.

Yeah, well... I didn't
either. Right, boys?

- The worst, absolutely terrible.
- No idea.

Okay.

Look... I am gonna try
to be the perfect nana

to Emma, and put family
first from now on.

Oops. That's me.

Hey, Hanky Panky.

No, I'm not doing anything important.

See you in 20.

Well... this was a really good
talk. I'll see you folks at home.

You were right, Mom.

You're nothing like
Nana Lyle. We love you.

I love you both. So much.

Hey, should we go back inside?

Get out! Never come back!

No refunds! You fail!

I'll take that drink now.

I'm Tucker Dobbs.

And in rain, sleet, snow or hail,

count on me, your weather male.

I just improvised that!

- Back to you, Pamela!
- Thanks, Tucker.

And that is all that we
have time for tonight...

Whoa! Whoa, whoa whoa,
hold up now, Pamela.

What about a little chit chat?

Some witty banter,
some ad libs, repartee?

Come on, now, hit me with a question.

I'm sorry, we're literally out of time.

Out of time?

How is that even possible?
We're never out of...