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[birds chirping]

♪♪

[narrator] Welcome to Noman,

the island home of the once famous author, Harry March.

Harry calls his island Noman

so that if anyone ever asks him,

"Noman, what's that?",

he can simply answer, "Noman is an island."

To date,[chuckles] no one has asked.

Perched on the opposite shore

is the 36,000 square foot castle

belonging to the heard of but rarely seen,

Mr. and Mrs. Lapham.

And today, while the Laphams plan their housewarming party

and big reveal of the prodigious facelift

made to their castle,

Harry March has plans of his own.

Devious plans.

[horn blares]

♪♪

[typewriter keys typing]

[man] Hector!

God damn it, Hector!

[Hector] Hey, taketh not the Lord's name in vain.

[over loudspeaker] What happened, Harry?

I rolled over on him when you guys woke me up.

I didn't know he was in the bed and he bit me!

You bite him back?

Look, I'm sorry about all the banging this early,

all right, he's pushing us.

And what does Mr. Lapham require today?

The usual Harry, everything.

You know, ten months is no time for a job this big

and to top it all off, he's having a party now.

[Harry] Ten months?

Has it only been ten months?

Morning, Hector. Your master's in a pissy mood this morning.

[Hector] The Lord God is my master.

[grunts]

How goes the erection?

He wants another floor. Four floors.

Yeah, well that's because no one else has more than three.

So what do we have so far?

A state of the art kitchen,

a state of the art movie theater,

a state of the art toilet?

Twenty-six toilets, Harry.

- [Harry] Are they all in bathrooms? - [chuckles]

A sun deck, a moon deck,

a hot tub, a cold tub, a pool to die for.

You'll write a novel about it one day, Harry.

[Hector] There's an idea. Do some writing for a change.

Be quiet.

[Hector] I am quiet.

[radio scratching]

[singing in foreign language]

Hombres, good news. I just called ICE.

- Har-- - Soon, you're gonna be able to ditch your girlfriends

and go home to your wives and their mothers.

[chuckles]

Señor, señor, moment, moment.

The men, we're betting on, how old you are.

How old are you? Come on.

One hundred and twelve.

One hundred and twelve?

Miguel, Miguel, you win, 112.

Hey, just get back to work, break's over.

Listen, Harry, I'm glad to have the work, okay,

but what the guy wants with 180,000 square feet, I don't know.

I didn't make the world, I barely live in it.

Oscar Levant, Humoresque?

Your son, Kevin, is the only person around here

who knows anything about the past.

[Hector] Except for you, Mr. Dead.

So when's he cutting down the trees and ruining my view?

Well, that's next week.

Mr. March, how did Mr. Lapham make his money anyways?

Jack.

Asparagus tongs.

His great grandfather invented the asparagus tongs.

Then, he branched out.

He made nutcrackers, he made lobster crackers,

grape scissors, little spoons for escargot.

His family makes a fortune from grasping.

Does he work?

He blogs. He writes aphorism.

Lapham's aphoms, drops one off every day for my crew.

Listen to this one.

"He does not promote himself will not be promoted."

No shit.

I like yesterday's better.

"More is more."

I memorized that one, Harry.

[Hector] Ooh, that's a good one.

[Kevin] Hang in there, Harry.

The end is near.

[Harry] As if I needed reminding.

♪♪

[narrator] Harry March, the last and the least

of three generations of Marches

who have lived year round on the once tranquil island

in a once tranquil quogue.

Marches of the past reared strong

and handsome families in this house,

which was strong and handsome once

as was its current resident.

[Hector] Why are you going to Chautauqua again?

I'm giving a lecture.

I don't want to, but I already took their money.

[Hector] Yippy, upstate New York.

Why do people give lectures anyway?

To hear themselves talk.

[Hector] I forgot, what is this lecture about?

It's on the meaning of the 20th century.

I'm glad I didn't wait till the last minute.

- [Hector] Can I hear it? - Sure.

The 20th century, 100 years of progress.

In early America,

money alone couldn't buy a social position.

Today, nobody cares. That's my lecture.

You've been a wonderful audience. I'm here till doomsday.

Hey, isn't it about time for one of your daily naps?

[Hector] Ah, you're such a cliché.

I'm a cliché? What do you call a talking dog?

[Hector, sighing] Bite me.

[Harry] Don't tempt me.

[typewriter keys typing]

[narrator] Harry had just one more item

and his furtive masterpiece was all but complete.

Harry loathed the mainland,

the people, the exercise, the whole experience.

He did all he could to avoid it.

But today, Harry had a reason.

It was a necessary disruption

to the usual isolation and quiet that he cherished.

Harry March was a man on a mission.

[Hector] So tell me about Southampton.

[Harry] Noise and gossip.

[Hector] And West Hampton?

[Harry] Noise and gossip and dentists.

[Hector] So what about East Hampton?

- Noise and gossip. - [Hector] That's it?

Mr. March! Mr. March!

Skippy Brewster from the club.

Ah, yes, the club.

We'd love for you to join, Mr. March.

You know the door's always open for you.

My gerulaitis, it's a killer.

Oh, well, uh, we're forming a committee

to stop the Shinnecocks from opening a casino down there in Southampton.

We're calling it the citizens opposing the casino or COC.

COC?

We'd like to have you sign a petition, Mr. March.

You can count on me.

Great, you know they're really awful.

They claim they own the land around here, they always do.

Quite frankly, Mr. March,

I don't think they're real Indians.

I think they're something worse.

Worse than Indians? You mean Mexicans and Muslims?

Nice to know you're with us, Mr. March.

Ahoy.

Asshole.

[Hector] What do Hamptonites do in the daytime?

They speak of their careers.

[Hector] Why do they do that?

Makes them happy.

Sometimes they even advance their careers

by speaking to other Hamptonites.

That's why they live here.

[Hector] Oh, that's nice.

It's not nice.

None of this is nice.

[Hector] But isn't a career important?

Not when it interferes with a life.

[Hector] What else do Hamptonites do in the daytime?

- They make themselves beautiful. - [Hector] And what else?

They prepare to attend parties or throw parties.

[Hector] And what else?

They dream up great works.

[Hector] What becomes of them?

Nothing.

[Hector] And what else?

They hope other Hamptonites are thinking of them.

They hope everyone is thinking well of them.

[Hector] And are they?

No and no.

[Hector] Are there any poor people in the Hamptons?

Yes, but they're not allowed out.

[Hector] What about Kevin? Is he rich, too?

Kevin? No Kevin works for a living.

[Hector] Like you? [chuckles] Tell me.

[sighs]

So?

Don't worry about the Hamptons.

They're all the same.

The same shops, the same roads,

the same geraniums in the same pots,

- same sub-zero refrigerators and wolf stoves... - [Hector] Uh-huh.

...same shellacked faces...

[Hector] Yeah.

...same opinions on the same issues,

same hummus on the same chips.

[Hector] Oh no, no, not another lecture.

Can't you just save it for the Chappaquiddicks?

You brought up the subject so you get the subject.

[Hector] I was only trying to pass the time pleasantly

on a summer's day.

The Hamptons are all the same

and all the world wants what the Hamptons have

so that it too can have everything and be empty at the core.

And you know who embodies and symbolizes,

generates and perpetuates this universal vacuity?

[Hector] I do, but you're going to tell me anyway, aren't you?

Correct, Lapham.

[Hector] No, you're kidding.

You're very annoying, you know?

[Hector] We're both very annoying. That's why we're friends.

[Harry] Are we friends?

[Hector] Of course, we're friends.

You have a package for Harry March?

You order the horse hair?

Yes, do you have it?

I've got it, all right.

Mind if I ask what you're going to do with horse hair?

I'm building a horse.

[typewriter keys typing]

♪♪

[Hector] Hey Harry, it's Kathy time.

Kathy time.

Kathy time.

It's Kathy time!

[speaking in foreign language]

[narrator] At this moment in the Hamptons,

not a single nail is nailed.

No one gives kudos or draws raves.

No one plans a benefit dinner.

Nothing makes a sound.

The universe lies in respectful silence

as sex and commerce find their apogee

in Kathy Polite's morning swim.

Morning, Miss Polite.

That's Polite, as you perfectly well know, Wrinkles.

I apologize.

I was just trying to be polite.

Huh, you're terrible, Harry.

I don't know why I bother to pedal over to you.

I'll never sell you anything, you old skin flint.

[Hector] Why do all the men around here stop whatever they're doing every morning

to watch Miss Polite?

What's it called?

- [jazzy music playing] - Skinny dipping.

[Hector] That's how she advertises her real estate business?

It's more cost effective than sending out brochures.

[Hector] Is this what they call an open house?

In a way.

[Hector] It draws a lot of attention, this skinny dipping. Why don't I get it?

We took care of that a long time ago.

[Kathy] Hi boys.

[Boys] Hi.

Harry, you need some new clothes.

And... you do not.

Why don't you join me today, Wrinkles?

Well, I haven't got the time. I gotta go wash my duck.

You're what? [mock gasp] Oh, I'm shocked.

What's wrong with your ear, Harry?

Did you pull a Van Gogh?

Yeah, buttercup, I cut it off as a passionate gesture of love for you.

Actually, I was trying to cut my throat.

Not if I get there first.

Mmmm.

You ought to unload this place, Harry.

Why don't you get back to work?

You really oughta sell, you know?

You may be worthless but this island, what do you call it?

- Noman. - That's right.

So if anyone ever asks, has anyone ever asked yet?

Don't forget the bottoms, honey.

Oh really, Harry, your family's been here, what,

since the Puritans?

Don't you think it's time for a change?

Spread your wings, Wrinkles.

You should be more ambitious like Mr. Lapham.

Have you met him?

As yet, I've not had the honor of his acquaintance,

but I'm very pleased to say that that situation

will be remedied this evening at his party.

Are you invited?

No.

Well I shall shake his hand warmly and say,

"It is people like you, sir,

who make the Hamptons the Hamptons."

You said it.

[Hector] I love the Hamptons.

Me too, sometimes,

and this is about to be one of those times

Mmm mmm, there you go, honey.

[water splashing]

9.9!

All right, fellas, go back to work, come on.

♪♪

[typewriter keys typing]

[distant machine noises]

[panting]

Let's give it a go.

Okay, let's try.

[machine humming]

Ready?

Uno,

dos,

tres!

[machine whirring]

[machine clatters]

Jose!

[machine clatters]

[barking]

Stop! Stop!

[Hector] Praise the Lord, it's the rapture!

- [machine shuts off] - Stop!

Harry, sorry, I meant to warn ya.

Sorry Harry, but we have to give it a test.

What is that thing?

[Jack] It's a Tillis Blowhard.

It's the most powerful air conditioner ever built.

A Telis what?

Tillis, Harry, Tillis, rhymes with Phyllis.

[shouting] Well, why the fuck does it have to be so loud?

The power, it not only cools the house,

it cools the whole property too.

It's brand new, Mr. Lapham has the first one in the whole world.

What do you mean it cools the whole property?

You mean it cools the air outside the house?

[Kevin] Exactly, the thermostat is so sensitive

that whenever the temperature around Lapham's house

rises by even a degree over 65,

it pumps cold air through the blower

with the force of a hurricane.

I've never seen anything like it, Harry.

The whole enchilada. [chuckles]

Did you really just say that?

He's amazing. You know, the more he has, the more he wants,

a bowling alley, a chapel, a bomb shelter,

more is more, Harry.

♪♪

[sighs]

The biggest house with the biggest everything

now also has a contraption

that alters the very air we breathe,

or Lapham breathes.

Now do you get it?

[Hector] An outdoor air conditioner, hm, sounds cool to me.

What I am telling you, my holy rolling friend,

is the force that nearly deafened you

is the force that's destroying the 21st century.

[Hector] You're just anti-conservative.

People in the Hamptons hate conservatives,

but everybody will be conservative eventually.

That's what I think.

Well, don't waste that wisdom on me.

Be a true evangelical, go door to door.

[Hector] In the same house?

- But why can't we have both? - Both what?

[Hector] Why can't we have riches on Earth and riches in paradise?

I say aim for the skies.

- That's the plan, my friend. - [phone ringing]

[Hector] And that is my cue.

[phone ringing]

♪♪

[groans]

Oh, Chautauquans, if only I could preach to you now,

I would tell you to repent.

I would urge you to acknowledge

that your most valuable property is not real estate,

it is imagined estate,

which is not now and never was for sale.

[typewriter keys typing]

[tapping in keys]

Dear progeny, thank you for your messages.

I can assure you there is no cause for alarm.

Please calm your mother as well if that is possible.

It will please your all to learn

that I'm coming to the end of a new undertaking

that will not only gratify me personally,

but when viewed in the proper light

will also save much of civilization

now and for years to come.

Love, Dad.

That should delay everyone's fears.

[Hector] I miss Chloe.

You hated her and she hated you.

[Hector] She adored me.

With Chloe, we had a little life around here.

A little too much from my tastes.

[Hector] So why did you marry her?

Because she had a lovely soul, still does.

[Hector] Then why did she marry you?

- [Harry] I don't feel so good. - [Chloe] You're fine, you're fine.

You've just got the vapors 'cause you don't want to go.

- I don't want to go. - That's right. Well, guess what?

Get over it 'cause you're going and that's that.

Oh.

Once we get there, please, don't just act like a zombie.

I mean most of these people are perfectly nice.

If you spent more time with real human beings

than with that dog, this stuff wouldn't get under your skin.

- I hate the Bitterman's, I hate the club. - You hate everybody.

Every year, it's the same party, the same people,

the same food, paella and beef tornadoes.

- Tournedos. - Well, they taste like tornadoes.

Hey, surf and turf, everybody, surf and turf.

Just mingle.

Just mingle?

[indistinct chatter]

I told you I can't afford it.

Okay, you've got ten SUNY schools and you got LIU.

Yeah, but they're not NYU though.

Jack, I can't afford it. I...

♪♪

Good morning, Dr. J, wish me luck.

[Hector] How can you live this way?

A library consisting of just one book?

If I had one book in my library,

it wouldn't be Samuel Johnson, I'll tell you that.

It would be the Good Book.

The Vanity of Human Wishes is all I need.

[Hector] Dr. Johnson was always right.

Yes, yes, I wouldn't know about that, I've never read him.

You've never read anything.

[Hector] What kind of doctor was he anyways?

He was a veterinarian and he gave dogs shots,

very painful shots.

[Hector] Ay, and tell me again,

what exactly is so great about him?

Reason.

Not romanticism, reason.

Romantics ruin the world.

Reason, honor, principle.

[Hector] And where do honor and principle

and reason get you?

Look at this place. You're rich enough to live like a king.

That novel about the college, a huge bestseller.

- I'm not rich. - [Hector] Sure you are.

There's tons of cash laying around the house.

You should put it in a bank.

You're gonna lose it all, mark my words.

a fire, a flood, one day, poof.

You should spend some of that money.

And on whom would I spend it?

I'm not gonna spend it on you.

[Hector] Ay, what's the big deal?

Isn't Mr. Lapham doing what everyone is supposed to do,

making something of himself?

You can make too much of yourself.

[man] Mr. March!

♪♪

Oh, it's Mr. Krento.

Mr. March!

[narrator] Though Harry has never had direct communication

with Mr. Lapham,

Harry exchanges daily notes to Mr. Lapham's executive secretary,

Damienal Krento.

Hello, Mr. March, I have a letter for you, sir.

[narrator] They trade notes ferried back and forth

on Harry's toy motorboat named Sharon,

a female version of Charon

named after the grizzly old sailor in Greek mythology

who ferried the dead across the River Styx in the underworld.

[Damienal] "Mr. Lapham has instructed me to inquire

if you'll be joining us this evening for dinner

at his new residence across the creek from your own.

With highest regards, yours sincerely,

Damienal Krento, personal assistant to Mr. Lapham."

I'd be delighted to come to dinner

at Mr. Lapham's, Mr. Krento.

Should I bring my own wine?

Oh, uh, no.

Mr. Lapham has the largest wine cellar in all of the Hamptons.

Mr. Krento, is there a dress code at Mr. Lapham's dinner?

I don't have a thing to wear.

Oh, I have a nice fuchsia sweater.

Should I wear it tied around my shoulders?

I've seen men in the Hamptons do that.

Afraid I'm not sure.

How 'bout my loafers, with or without socks?

- Really, it doesn't matter. - Now, what about dinner table conversation?

- What should we talk about? - Excuse me, sorry.

That absolutely riveting piece in Harper's

about soccer moms in Mozambique

or that hilarious piece in the Times

about people who look like their pets?

I'm sure you can talk about anything you like.

I like New York in June, Mr. Krento, how about you?

And then another thing, how to greet the other guests?

Should I say, "There he is!"?

Um, well--

Or maybe I should say, "There she is."

Mr. March, sir, I shall tell Mr. and Mrs. Lapham

that you'll be there.

They'll be so pleased.

Oh, I'll be so pleased too, Mr. Krento.

[Damienal] Yes, goodbye, sir.

Bye.

[Hector] You're not really going to Mr. Lapham's dinner party, are you?

Remember what happened the last time you went to a dinner party?

There isn't gonna be a dinner party.

♪♪

[typewriter keys typing]

P... please for my sake, just behave yourself tonight, would you?

The sacrifices I make for love.

Exactly.

- Hey Jack. - Hey.

[women chuckle]

The Rocky Horror Show?

Eh, Night of the Living Dead.

You want to switch places?

I would but I'm working.

Is there anything I can do for you, Mr. March?

You can tell me how you're doing at school.

I'm okay.

I don't really know where it's getting me though.

Nowhere, of course.

Your father's very proud of you, Jack.

Surf and turf, everybody!

[people clapping]

[Jack] Who are all these people, Mr. March?

You mean to tell me you've never been to a Hamptons dinner party?

This is your first Hamptons dinner party?

Well, catch, let me be your host.

Go ahead.

[classical music playing]

Mr. March, Jeff Jefferson,

- I provided the Margaux for the party. - Congratulations.

If it's not a big imposition, my wife has started writing.

We were hoping you could read her novel.

I could, but I wouldn't, bad case of parsimony,

just tell her to keep at it.

Mm-hm.

Well, well, what have we here?

Harry Marsh, the man who wasn't there.

And Mr. Vandersnook, the man who's always here.

Don't drink the Margaux, it's shit.

Oh, God.

[indistinct chatter]

[Harry] As it's your first Hamptons dinner party,

I should show you how things are arranged.

There's the politicians table.

Senator Gargen over there, just been indicted for fraud.

There's the journalists table.

Chip McDonald writes about something, I don't know what.

The dandy is Arthur Arthur, the gossip publisher.

Isn't that...?

Yes, that's Bobo de Pleasure,

the conservative columnist with the liberal flare.

Oh. That table over there?

[Harry] That's the table for people

who have the look of someone sitting in a whistle

of a steamship when it went off.

I better go take my seat.

Do you remember the movie I told you to see

about the sideshow in the circus?

[chuckles] Freaks?

Yeah, think about it.

[chuckles]

[narrator] So Harry took his favorite seat

in his least favorite venue.

He motioned for the barkeep to keep the Margaux coming.

Though it was shit,

it would suffice to help Harry drown out

the rampant self-promotion

and egomaniacal conversation going on around him.

I do hope you're doing something for the wheels, Mr. March.

[narrator] "What trouble are the wheels in?," Harry would ask.

[woman] They are in very bad shape,

and in 50 years, perhaps less,

there will be no wheels left.

What do you think of that?

Well, what do you have to say?

We must take care of the problem or not at all.

It's so nice to have all our crowd together under one roof.

As Yeats, the well known poet wrote,

that "I had such friends."

And now, I should like to raise a toast

to my fabulously talented husband, Grady,

who has just finished his book

on the life of Luella Parsons.

Oh, it's called Poop.

And I will tell you it is absolutely fabulous.

- [woman chuckles] - Labor of love. It's a labor of love.

Oh, I... I have a great idea.

Why doesn't everyone stand and tell us what new great thing

he or she is doing?

[applause]

Who's first? Who wants to go first?

I'm a bit embarrassed to report

that the Barbadian government

has decided to offer a two cent stamp with my picture on it.

In the beginning, they wanted to put me on the one cent stamp,

but I held out for the two.

[group clapping]

This hardly matters,

but I'm probably within a year

of completing my three volume study

of the life of William McKinley.

[people cheering and clapping]

Isn't it splendid we live in a place

where everyone writes a book?

[laughter and applause]

And you're next.

I've written a book as well.

It's called, Will I Ever Get a Seat at the Table?:

A Gossip Publisher's Lament.

[laughter and applause]

You'll always have a seat at our table, Arthur.

Well, everyone, according to a recent public opinion poll,

I was voted as the friendliest senator in the Northeast.

[people clapping]

I would just like to say, I agree with all sides.

[laughter]

[tapping wine glass]

In this austere company, my project may seem small,

I know, but I should tell you to date,

we have raised four million dollars for the wheels.

- [gulping] - [applause]

And what important projects have you done, Mr. March?

[narrator] With the last drop of his shit Margaux consumed,

Harry had long since lost any ability

to moderate his docile instruction

given to him by his beloved Chloe,

and with a last sip, an idea popped in his head.

♪♪

[people mutter]

[person sighs]

That's it.

We're going home.

The wheels, she wanted to save the wheels.

[car engine revving]

♪♪

[typewriter keys typing]

[man] Mr. March!

Hey, Larry, how are you guys doing?

Pardon the intrusion, Harry, but we need your support.

Oh, is this about the casino?

Yes, are you with us?

Yeah, sure, you can count on me.

That COC committee says we'll ruin the area.

Well, how can you? Don't you guys own most of the land around here?

[Larry] Look, deer!

It's a good sign, Harry, good sign.

Yeah, that's a real good sign.

Well, I guess the gods have spoken.

Thanks for paddling by.

- Hector! - [Hector] Uh... Huh?

All right, what did you-- get down.

- [Hector] What? - Get down.

[Hector] Huh?

What did you do with it?

[Hector] With what?

The horse hair.

[Hector] Oh.

- [Harry] Cough it up. - [Hector] I'm not a cat.

You ate it, why?

[Hector] Well, for one thing, I'll eat anything.

But if you must know, I'm trying to save you from yourself.

This crazy scheme of yours will mess up everything for both of us.

I happen to like the way my life is.

[phone ringing]

Answer it for once.

[phone continues ringing]

I'm not finished with you.

[phone continues ringing]

- Hello? - [Chloe] Hey, it's me.

The children called about your emails.

They're really worried and so am I.

Oh, uh, no, no, no, Chlo, everything's great.

- [Chloe] Joel's worried, too. - Why is that?

He's worried because I'm worried.

Look, Harry, I don't know what crazy scheme is rattling around in that brain of yours

and I know you're not gonna tell me, but just promise me you won't do anything stupid

or dangerous.

- Harry? - Thanks so much for calling, Chlo,

but I'm just about to go off island.

Why don't I give you a call tomorrow and we could have a nice long chat?

Now, say a hello to Joel for me, okay?

Wow, Harry, that was both gracious and coherent.

Now I'm really worried.

Look, I love you, the children love you.

I just want you to know there are people out there who want you to stay alive.

And I love you all. Gotta go, Chlo.

Mr. Marsh, I'm a junior at Columbia.

- I'm writing my honor's thesis on your work. - Great.

- A few questions? - No.

I'm interested in the use of hats in your work.

- Do they symbolize death? - Yes.

- What about the color yellow, also death? - Yes.

- And flowers? - Death.

[student] You seem to deliberately avoid the gerund.

What does the gerund mean to you?

Death.

Do you think you're more influenced by Washington Irving or John Irving?

Clifford.

May I send you my thesis when it's done?

[Harry] By all means.

- [Hector] Tell me about the Hamptons again. - Not now.

[Hector] Oh, that's right, we're on a mission.

Horse hair, the search for the holy horse hair.

You oughta be locked up.

The plan calls for horse hair or a suitable equivalent,

you're lucky your hair's too short.

[Hector] I hate to be seen with you in public.

People stare at you.

- Are you famous? - I'm known.

- [Hector] I believe in the humble life. - I had one.

[doorbell jingles]

Move.

Hello.

Um, I'd like to ask you something.

Do you have any horse hair?

No, no horse hair.

We do have a very handsome hobby horse, but it's hairless.

Sit down.

What a charming dog. What's her name?

Hermione.

[Hector] Hermione, really?

What's this?

[woman] She comes with a wand.

Go ahead, touch the wand to the ruby.

- [jingling sound] - [electric whirring]

Isn't she adorable? She speaks English and Spanish.

Does she do construction work?

Oh, you beautiful doll,

you great big, beautiful doll.

♪♪

Mmm. Mm.

[Hector] Tastes good, right?

You seem to like the doll?

Mm-hm.

This would be something for your granddaughter?

- No. - A niece?

The child of a friend?

No, I'd like it for myself. I'll take four.

How much?

You know, I just remembered, we're out of stock

and we're forbidden to sell the floor sample.

I, uh, could order four dolls for you.

But I need it today.

[Hector] Ah, let's get out of here.

Well, I could check the inventory downstairs.

Never mind.

Come on, Hermione, we're leaving.

- [Hector] Ooh, can I? - No.

[chuckles] You are not gonna believe this.

We received a hat box full of horse hair just this very week.

A hat box full of horse hair?

A hat box full of horse hair.

[Hector] Please don't say it again.

A hat box full of horse hair.

Well, my dear, you have a sale.

But this is the part you're not gonna believe,

I sold the hat box this very morning.

- No. - Yes.

Do you know the Laphams?

Well, it seems Mrs. Lapham makes her own throw pillows, ah,

and when I told her about the horse hair, she just grabbed it up.

- It makes an ideal stuffing. - Does it now?

Well, yes, it's very sweet, really?

See she's making the pillow

as a surprise for Mr. Lapham

to present him with a gift

upon the occasion of the completion of their new house.

I understand it's magnificent.

You know, it's not too far from your own island.

What do you call your place, Noman?

Well, anyway, the whole thing was just dumb luck.

She came in looking for some Victorian asparagus tongs,

but then when I told her about the horse hair,

well, it was just ideal. [chuckles]

It's kind of a nice story really.

See, the Laphams had a little dog

who passed away last year.

Why, he was just like your little Hector there, a little Westie.

Goo goo baby.

You know Harry, if it's horse hair you're looking for,

it's probably in the walls of your house?

[Hector] Hey, don't give him any ideas.

You see the old houses used horse hair

to keep the plaster intact.

You knock down a wall, you'll probably have all the horse hair you need.

Oh, I'll keep that in mind, thanks for the tip.

[Hector] Terrific. By all means, let's knock down our walls

so you'll have everything you need to commit a crime.

♪♪

[narrator] Harry was not keen on the idea of destroying his house,

but was left with no choice.

But then, a vision came to him,

a vision in the form

of a long, thick tail-like braid of hair.

Well, wrinkles, I do believe this is the very first time

I have received a visit from your distinguished self.

It's your lucky day, chitlins.

You have something I want.

Oh, don't you think it's a bit late for that?

Late for you, I mean.

I want your hair.

I want you to cut off your braid and give it to me.

And why on Earth should I do that?

I cannot think for what's sick and perverse purpose

you desire my extra long, extra thick world class hair.

I need it, just leave it at that.

Are you gonna hang yourself?

Give me an incentive.

Never mind why I want it.

I'll pay you for it, plenty and it'll grow back soon.

You stand to only profit from this transaction, Kathy.

Oh, I worry when you address me by my Christian name

instead of the usual insult, Harry, I worry.

And yet, my interest is peaked.

What do you call plenty?

One thousand dollars.

Oh honey, I don't clear my throat for $1,000.

All right then, I'll agree to read your manuscript of poems.

Well, Harry, how'd you know I write poetry?

Just a wild guess.

- Five thousand dollars then. - Mmm.

Let me bring you into the modern world, my hermit crab.

For your edification, Harry March,

these days, $5,000 does not suffice as a deposit

to take a house off the market for half an hour.

On an average sale,

an average sale, mind you, one that takes as long

as ten minutes for me to consummate,

my commission comes to $400,000.

All right, how much do you want?

Oh, I want you, honey.

I want your house, your island,

the works,

and I'll pay top dollar.

Because you can turn it around

and get twice what you gave me for it?

Three times, maybe four.

You sell me your little Island of Dr. Moreau

and I'll pay you enough to enable you to live out your shriveled mean spirited days

in the comfort of the finest assisted living facility

on the East End, hmm?

With plenty of dollars to spare in case you want to take a day trip to the Bronx Zoo

or catch a bus to see a revival of Cats.

[Kathy mimicking cat growling]

[chuckles]

And for all that,

I shall gladly cut off my luxurious braid of hair

and I'll hand it over to you myself.

- Never. - Harry March.

[mock gasp] You're hurting me.

Never say never.

I must say, Harry,

I get all hot just thinking

what you're gonna be doing with my hair.

What about $50,000?

Uh, this conversation is concluded.

You sell me your island and my hair is yours.

Your island, your house.

My life then.

That's my price, sweet pea, take it or leave it.

Learn to live in the real world, Harry.

As Mr. Lapham says,

"The sun also rises,

but it also sets."

♪♪

I like that one.

[narrator] Unwilling to sell his soul,

Harry went on his cantankerous way.

[Hector barking]

- Why do you do that? - [Hector] Do what?

Bark at the sight of another dog.

- [Hector] Because other dogs bark at me. - [Harry] Yes, but why?

[Hector] You know, I'm not really sure.[barking]

You don't see me flying off the handle when I spot a another human being.

[Hector] Actually, I do.

[Hector barking]

Hector!

Hector!

[groans]

Get in the car.

Don't worry, officer, I'm fine.

You're lucky I'm taking you to the hospital and not the station house

for being a creep at a toy store.

That's me, all right, lucky.

[mysterious music]

[typewriter keys typing]

[breathing heavy]

[distant thunderclap]

[Hector] Oh, it must be wonderful, the literary life,

to be a literary lion as you are.

I'm a literary dog, you know?

I'm sure you are.

[Hector] Is Mr. Lapham a literary lion?

He has an awfully nice car.

Hey, do you suppose he might give me a ride someday?

He must miss his dear departed Westie?

Will you ever shut up?

[Hector] When the time comes.

[thunderclap]

[Harry] Hey, come here, come here.

I don't think you should see this.

Go in there.

♪♪

Do you even think about how you appear to other people?

- The death of the party? - It's all a big joke to you, right?

People expect civility from other people and that's the foundation of civilization.

- You call the Bittermans civilization? - Yes, I do.

They're just regular human beings

trying to live in this world the way it is.

I don't like the world the way it is,

but I love you, Chlo.

I love you too, Harry.

But I can't be a part of this life that you insist I live.

It's too much, you ask too much.

You've made me a prisoner of your principles.

Principle is everything.

No, it's not.

The world moves forward because people have mutual respect.

They talk to each other, they negotiate, they compromise.

You just can't stop yourself, can you? You just had to spout off?

Spout off?

Well, you know, that's it,

that's it, that's what lady was talking about.

She wasn't talking about saving the wheels,

she was talking about saving the whales.

[sighs]

[chuckles faintly]

[woman] Mr. March!

[knocking on door]

Mr. March!

- [sighs] - [knocking on door]

Mr. March!

♪♪

Harry March, I need to sell you a swimming pool.

What are you talking about? Who are you?

A swimming pool.

Well, I'll give you two minutes.

Cosiapara.

- [Hector] Hey. - [woman] Come on.

[Hector] Who's this?

[woman] He loves me.

He loves everybody but me.

[Hector] Ah, it's true.

He's precious.

[groans]

Mr. March,

everyone around here says I could never sell you one of my dad's pools.

My dad says so too.

Everyone says you're mean and crazy.

- They're right. - But I said, "No."

"That old man is just waiting for a little brightness in his life."

Oh, in the form of a swimming pool?

You said it.

What you need to cheer up your cranky and miserable self

is a new gunite pool installed with expert craftsmanship

and tender loving care by the Leonardo Da Vinci

of Hamptons pool makers and servicers, Tony Amberson.

- Is that your father? - My father.

[Hector] Ah, A pool would be nice.

Miss, I'm very busy,

I have a lot of important things to do.

I don't really have any desire for a swimming pool.

I have nobody to impress.

If I want to take a swim, I do it right off my dock

and if I want warm water, I take a bath.

Good for you, but I must tell you,

I don't think you're seeing this issue clearly.

You are thinking of a swimming pool narrowly

as a place to exercise or lull about.

And speaking of exercise,

if you don't mind my saying so, you could use some.

[Hector] I like this girl.

I do mind, your two minutes are almost up.

Think of a swimming pool instead

as a notable room of your house.

Think of it as your indoor body of water,

your pond, your lake, your estuary.

What, may I ask, is more beautiful than a body of water?

The light dance of the ripples, the shadows on the waves,

the brooding darkness underneath.

You know, you have a mind far more estimable

than I thought.

Why are you wasting it selling swimming pools?

I mean a daughter's duty to her father aside.

It never is aside.

My dad's having a hard time of it, I mean moneywise.

Moneywise, is this your full-time occupation?

This semester.

Then, it's back to St. John's in Annapolis.

Oh, the great books curriculum, I thought so.

You, my dear girl, are an anachronism.

[chuckles] Just like you.

Yes but I think I've earned that status.

- You're much too young. - Maybe.

But it looks better on me.

- [Harry chuckles] - [Hector] Can't argue with that.

You know, Harry, when I was in high school,

I had a clear choice of extracurricular activities,

be an anachronism, spend time in old movies,

listen to jazz, live at the library

or give blow jobs to the doped up future actuaries of America.

Oh. [chuckles]

[Hector] What's an actuary?

So I went to classes most of the day

and lived at the town library most of the night.

Are you sure you don't want to buy a swimming pool?

It's a great investment.

Well, I got fixated on Samuel Johnson.

First, I read Boswell.

Then, I read Johnson.

The lives of the poets,

the prose, the poems, the best of which is

- The Vanity of Human Wishes. - The Vanity of Human Wishes.

"When a man is tired of London--"

"He is tired of life."

"He's not a patron, my Lord,

one who looks with unconcern

on a man struggling for life in the water."

"And when he's reached the ground encumbers him with hope."

[Hector] Brilliant.

What brought you to Dr. Johnson?

His devotion to the power of reason.

He wasn't a romantic.

Romantics ruin the world.

And of course, he was always right.

You're more than an anachronism.

You show real value.

[chuckles]

Not like that monster over there.

- Lapham? - You know him?

No, I don't know anyone who's even seen him.

He's a ghost like you.

What do you know about me?

What I see, what others say,

but mainly what I see,

a man who has whittled his life to too fine a point,

too brittle.

He doesn't write anymore.

Now he's reduced to the stupidity of a sage.

Towering in the confidence of 21.

[chuckles] Do you have an answer for everything?

Yes.

Look, I don't want to fight with you.

There's something wrong with quarreling

when we're speaking of the person we both admire.

- Well, how about it? - Nope.

- Three easy installments. - Nope.

- Come on, be a sport. - Nope.

- Miss Polite said that you would-- - What did you say?

Miss Polite said?

Miss Polite said?

Well, young Dr. Johnson,

what did Ms. Polite say?

When you sell your papa's swimming pools, darling,

do you know what you're selling?

You're selling real estate.

Now I already have a pool so you'll make no sale with me,

but tell you what, you sell a pool to Harry March,

that nutcase writer on that island over there,

you sell Mr. March a pool and I'll pay you for an extra one,

one for the price of two.

And just why did Miss Polite say she wanted me to buy a swimming pool?

Because a swimming pool will do two things

for the estimable Mr. March.

It'll make his property more valuable, thus more sellable.

And as soon as he buys it from you, he'll hate it,

which is when he'll sell his island to me.

Just when I thought I'd met one incorruptible soul.

- Dr. Johnson-- - Would've done the same thing.

He was poor like me.

He wouldn't have sold his principles for a swimming pool.

You never know what poor people will do.

♪♪

Are you coming back?

Are you buying a pool?

By the way, you're not an 18th century man.

I thought you'd like to know.

What do you mean?

You're a romantic.

You live on an island.

You create your own ideal world.

You despise or ignore the real world.

You belittle life as it is

and you feel superior to others.

What do you suppose that makes you?

Lonely.

[Hector] Harry!

[sighs]

- I don't see any horse hair. - No horse hair.

[Hector] Well, at least you knocked down half the house.

I mean it wasn't a total loss.

I'm outta here.

[Kevin] Harry!

[hammer thuds on floor]

[distant thunderclap]

- Harry! - [Harry groans]

Lot of banging going on in there. You all right?

You okay?

How's Jack doing?

[sighs] You know Jack's 17, he's sensitive.

Don't change the subject, Harry.

What's going on? You look like shit.

You're acting crazy. You're talking to Hector.

You're lucky he's not talking back to you.

[Hector] If he only knew.

[thunderclap]

You need to get some help, Harry.

Like what?

Like therapy, talk to someone,

you don't know how to deal with people.

I would, I'd see a shrink but I don't know how to deal with people.

Hold on, I'll be right back.

[Harry groans]

[Harry coughing]

Hey!

- What is this? - It's a bribe.

I want you to stop working on Lapham's house.

- [chuckles] That's good. - I don't take bribes.

Well, it's for Jack, it's for film school.

You think I don't hear the both of you arguing every day?

Well, we'll figure it out, I can't accept this.

I told you, it's not for you. Tell Jack it's a loan.

He can pay me back with the profits from his first movie,

which should be no higher than the value of the loan,

that way we'll guarantee it'll be an art house film.

- Harry-- - I gotta go, I'm busy, very, very busy.

[typewriter keys typing]

♪♪

[narrator] With his plan thwarted and all hope lost,

Harry March sat down to finally write his speech.

Chloe?

Joel's doing the planning for Lapham's party.

Of course he did.

We're not staying.

Nice to see you.

[Chloe] Nice to see you.

♪♪

[Damienal] What are you standing here waiting for? It's Charlie, is it?

John? Are you a mute?

Who the hell did your tie? It's just not acceptable.

[narrator] But then he saw her.

"What would Dr. Johnson do," he thought to himself?

Would he sell out his principles for the greater good?

Hi, Wrinkles.

The Amberson girl seemed to think so.

[whistles]

Uh, good evening, sir. Uh... Here just...

Last chance, Wrinkles.

Going once,

going twice,

- Going-- - All right.

You can have the house.

And the island?

And the island.

♪♪

You won't sell it to Lapham, will you?

I might.

He'll probably flatten it,

give himself a lovely view.

He's quite the conservationist, you know?

What if I deny we made a deal?

State of the art, high tech.

[Harry] Bitch!

[narrator] Harry pulled out the only tuxedo he owned.

On the night when he lived the words

he so desperately wanted to write,

he felt as he should look his very best.

Also, just in case Chloe was still mingling at the Lapham's party

or if he should make the front page

of the local Southampton press

his old blue shirt wouldn't suffice.

[Hector] Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. Fred Astaire.

[typewriter keys typing]

[thunder clapping]

[groans]

Much obliged, Miss Polite.

[wood creaking]

Here we go.

[Hector] How do you know you won't hit the party tent?

'Cause... I know.

[Hector] Oh, that's a relief.

[machine whirring]

[machine beeping]

Uh oh.

[narrator] Harry looked on in disbelief.

His plan was perfect.

How could this have happened?

What could have gone wrong?

"Horse hair," he muttered to himself.

[Hector] Put me down! Put me down!

I'm trying to save your life.

[Hector] The Lord will look after me.

He's busy.

[Hector] Well, I hope you're satisfied.

Harry, aren't you coming with?

[thunderclap]

[Harry] I take this post mortem opportunity nevertheless

to tell you about the lecture I could not deliver in person.

My lecture was to be about Lapham,

my sordidly ambitious, absurdly self-important,

ears splittingly, noise making, unwanted neighbor, Lapham.

For anything you want to know

about the destructive witless 20th century,

you may look to Lapham.

But here comes the sad part of my lecture,

dear Chautauquins,

for I hoped to inform you that against all odds,

I had defeated Lapham,

reversed his upward progress

or at the very least slowed him down,

yet to my sorrow and embarrassment

I must report not my victory,

but rather his.

Mine was the vanity of human wishes.

What lesson may I bring you, my worthy Chautauquins?

The lesson is this,

the reason that Lapham has won this time

and will win again and will always win

is that you allow it.

You sit together, but you do not stand together.

Rise up, Chautauquins.

Rise as Lapham is rising and smite him.

Not with weapons, they will fail, take it from me,

but rather with your books

and your songs and your laughter.

Beat him back with your modesty,

the knowledge of frailty,

that is to say with your humanity,

or if you prefer

you all can go out and live on your separate islands

and seethe and fume and rant

and go nuts in the company

of your sarcastic, Bible-thumping dog.

It worked for me.

[thunderclap]

[people shouting]

Harry, Harry, what are you doing?

What are you doing, Harry?

Señor March, por favor.

For Christ's sake, Harry!

My...! My house!

My house!

Harry! Harry March!

You crook!

We had a deal!

♪♪

Harry!

Oh my! Oh my, my, my!

What have I done?

I've lowered the value

of Hamptons real estate.

If only I had a swimming pool,

I could use the water to put out the fire.

[Kathy] Oh, oh. [giggling]

Harry, Mr. Lapham's here.

He's coming for you.

Oh, he's so excited his Tillis Blowhard finally worked. Ha!

Isn't that wonderful?

[Damienal] Mr. March, fear not.

Mr. Lapham is coming to save you in his boat.

No!

[Damienal] No, what do you mean no?

There's no need to worry, sir.

Mr. Lapham has the best powerboat in the world.

It has both gas and jet engines and draws only six inches of water

so don't bloody tell me no.

and it costs $650,000.

You tell Mr. Lapham to stay put!

I will not be rescued by my destroyer!

Oh, come on Mr. March, damn it, Harry. You're being very provincial.

Get your head out of your-- Please get in the boat!

Mr. March.

[Hector barking]

[Hector] Hey, Harry, I got help.

Isn't that great?

Hector,

you traitor.

[thunderclap]

[Lapham] Wow, look at this place.

What a venue.

Name your price, sir.

[thunderclap]

What do you call this place?

Noman.

[Lapham] Noman?

What's that?

♪♪