Original subtitles

I will swallow it.

I'll swallow it!

I'll swallow my pride, Franklin.

DIRECTOR: [clears throat] Thank you, Ms. Morgan.

Uh, but there's more to the scene.

We'll call ya.

Wasn't I sincere enough?

Wallow. Wallow.

We're not looking for sincere, honey.

We're looking for sexy.

But Eleanor Roosevelt wasn't sexy... handsome,

Maybe, perhaps a little kinky.

DIRECTOR: We'll call ya. [Inaudible].

Look.

Let me do it again.

How the hell was I supposed to know you wanted sexy?

Thank you.

Hey, I can be very sexy.

Ms. Morgan, we'll call you.

[Inaudible].

So you want sexy, huh?

Is this sexy enough for ya?

Pastrami sandwiches.

Ooh, Franklin, I will swallow it.

I'll be a real woman.

Woo!

Ooh!

MAN: Look at that!

Well, there is the part of, uh, Heber... Her... uh, Herbert...

Herbert Hoover's French maid.

If you'd like to step up into my office,

Uh, to discuss the contract, of course.

Thanks.

I'll call you.

Swallow my ass.

MAN: Hey, [inaudible].

Ahh!

She really had tits [inaudible].

Hey.

You know, what I wanted wasn't on that menu.

[Laughter]

If it's not on the menu, then we don't have it.

Somebody hungry.

[Laughter]

No!

Hya!

Ya.

(SINGING) Put on my best dress, baby.

I put on the perfume you'll like.

We're gonna forget about this day of work,

Cause we're going out dancing tonight.

I don't have all of the answers, but I know what's wrong

And what's right.

And when I get happy...

Bill, table number 11's pissed off.

Put some more vodka in the Martini.

(SINGING) Got to start dancing tonight.

Waitress!

There's a splinter in my cottage cheese.

Well, at these prices, what did you expect, the whole cottage?

MAN (ON SPEAKER): Listen, [inaudible].

We have a [inaudible] salad on table number 11.

Uh, the salad is go for dressing insertion.

[Spitting]

Looks delicious.

Mmm.

Oh.

Get two [inaudible].

Will you just look at these hands?

I don't know why you insist on using such a strong detergent.

That's because our brand makes your whites whiter.

Now get back to work.

Excuse me, miss.

Are you free?

No, but I'm not very expensive, either.

(SINGING) I've got to be good.

I'm only making ends meet.

Oh, lord, [inaudible].

When I hear music, I know that I am saved.

Oh, my.

MAN (ON SPEAKER): [inaudible] table number 11.

[Inaudible] control.

Oh.

(SINGING): Well, now, now, now, now, now, baby.

Hey.

How was the audition?

Great, but my boobs had all the lines.

Ooh.

It must have been a helluva delivery.

Thanks.

Mmm.

Hey, I'm working, remember?

You wanna come over to my house and play after work?

Sorry.

No time.

Why?

I've got more auditions tonight.

You know, if you got paid for auditioning, you'd be rich.

MAN (ON SPEAKER): Reminder, only non-dressed materials are

Included in any salad format.

[Whistling]

Mature Teen Magazine.

May I help you?

Uh, excuse me.

Uh, I'm Jennifer Martin.

I won second prize in the short story contest

That Mature Teen Magazine sponsored.

Oh, Ms. Martin.

Go right in.

Ms. Cully's expecting you.

OK.

Thank you.

Uh, [inaudible]?

Thanks.

[Inaudible] clouds and the sunset

Looked like instant mashed potatoes

And Momma's electric blender.

I only wrote what I saw back home in Indiana.

We can't use it.

Not use my story?

I said I liked your style, not your subject matter.

Nobody's going to slap down $2 for a story about Indiana.

Oh, shit.

My masseuse didn't come again today.

Jeff, come over here while we talk.

Help me get these kinks out.

But I don't know...

Oh.

Oh, come on.

People want to know what's going down in New York and LA.

Last month we ran a feature on where

To find single men in New York.

Our magazine sales soared.

I want you to do the follow-up... Actually go on a man hunt,

And use this article as a guide.

You want me to go and pick up men?

Not just pick them up.

You're going to write an article about catching

A man in the big city.

But I'm no good around people.

That's why I started writing.

I mean, I get so nervous, even my shadow uses a deodorant.

Ah!

That's the whole point.

If you can find a good man using this guide, anyone can.

I've even got a cover for you... a disguise.

You're going to be working the type of job

That the average small town girl would take in New York,

As a waitress.

Working in a restaurant?

That means meeting new people every day...

Oh, and touching all that food, the roast beef, and...

Martin, this is the chance of a lifetime.

Your wardrobe.

Good luck, Martin.

This city is full of men waiting for you.

But what will I say to them?

What every girl has said to ever man

Since the beginning of time.

Oh, I have a headache.

Headache?

Young lady, did I hear you say headache?

Here.

Hold on just a second, here.

Here.

Take two of these, don't work too hard,

And, uh... [laugh] call me in the morning.

Thanks.

I guess it's first-day jitters or something.

You're gonna have to pay for the, uh... uh, [inaudible].

I'm so sorry.

Ahh!

[Commotion]

That'll teach you to break a date with me,

[Inaudible] Simpson!

Put an insect bomb in the house mother's feminine hygiene

Spray, filling Dean Carlisle's [inaudible] with sand,

Plotting to blow up our sewage plant

By organizing an everyone flush your toilet

At the same time day.

And now, this... Fire-hosing a boy's dorm.

Mr. Cavendish, we must ask you to take your daughter home.

So I'm a little sparky.

Lindsay, the [inaudible] was spanky.

You are dangerous!

Does this mean you won't send me to Vassar?

I couldn't get you into Vassar with a crowbar!

MAN (SHOUTING): Hey hot pants!

When you coming back?

What would your poor mother say, God rest her soul?

[Inaudible] this many years.

Well, at least I'm consistent.

Oh, young lady, I've been thinking

About this a long time.

And now I've finally decided... I'm putting you to work

In one of my restaurants. Work?

Don't go any further, Father.

Oh, no, Daddy.

You wouldn't.

You wouldn't do what what you always said to do.

Oh, no, no.

Please, please, please.

You wouldn't really make me be a...

Waitress.

Oh god.

[Alarm buzzing]

[Horn honking]

WOMAN (VOICEOVER): The Mature Teen Guide to Picking Up Men.

Hint Number One.

New York is a sports festival.

Don't dog it, girl.

Find your modern man at the crack of dawn, jogging.

Ask him to run with you.

It's so dull doing it all alone.

- Hi. - Hi.

- How are you today? - Oh, fine.

Good.

How about a jog?

It's so dull doing it all alone.

Oh. [Laugh] I never do it before breakfast.

On second thought, I'd love to run with you!

Have you been, uh, jogging for a long time?

Oh, yeah, sure.

I love a good jog.

How about yourself?

Oh, a little over a year now, since just after my wife

Left me.

It's been a real strain on me.

The jogging?

No.

My divorce.

But let's not talk about it... my divorce.

It... that's why I started running in the first place,

As a kind of therapy to get my mind off my wife Janet.

You see, I... I couldn't stop thinking about her.

How about now?

Are you over Janet? Janet!

Don't you ever mention the name Janet!

I don't want to ever hear you say the name Janet to me again.

Don't you ever, ever, ever, ever,

Ever, ever say Janet again.

Janet.

I'll never forget the first time I saw her with another man.

It was [inaudible].

You have an audition on Sundays?

I don't believe it.

You know, if you'd move in with me already,

We'd have all the time in the world.

Now, you know I can't afford to share your rent.

Who would share rent?

I told you I'd pay your share of the rent.

Look.

I want to be free to live my own life,

And not live my life for free.

Miss, there's a fly in my soup.

Uh...

Will you please move in?

Nuh uh.

Veggies?

No thank you.

Why not?

Just give me one good reason why not.

I don't like veggies.

I want you as a lover, and not a landlord.

Miss, there's a fly in my soup.

All right.

I'll move in with you.

Hey, [inaudible], right?

Did I forget anything?

As a matter of fact, there's a fly in my soup.

[Gargling noise]

Oh, marvelous, marvelous. Just fabulous, sugar.

Just fabulous.

WOMAN: Miss Andrea Morgan.

Heathcliff, I've nev...

DIRECTOR: Oh, next.

MAN: Miss Hiney La Roux.

I am in a very good mood today.

I just found out I'm getting federal funds.

My body's been declared a disaster area years ago.

[Inaudible]

Lovely, sweetheart. OK.

Too much, sugar.

This production is about living.

The first thing we're going to do is undress.

And we're going to take this chicken fat

And we're going to rub it all over our bodies.

[Gagging] [coughing]

[Inaudible].

Sorry.

I gotta see your Union card.

Beat it.

[Laugh]

[Inaudible].

Look.

I'll double up as crew and help with the sets for free.

No, Ms. Morgan.

I'll sell popcorn at the intermission.

No, Ms. Morgan.

I'll guarantee your losses and back

Your next three productions!

No, Ms. Morgan.

I'll wash your socks at night and make love to your wife

And have her babies!

No, Ms. Morgan.

Oh.

Does this mean I don't get the part?

[Laughter]

Hey, lady.

Can't you take a hint?

The answer is...

- No! - No.

- No. - No.

No, Ms. Mason.

No.

No!

No.

No!

All right, all right, all right.

Hey, did you know what time it is?

If you want to get turned down for as many roles

As I did today, you gotta put in overtime.

Oh, honey.

Jerry, I need a new approach to this business.

Yeah, so do I. I go make this the number

One restaurant and [inaudible].

My reward is he [inaudible] his lousy daughter

On me this morning.

Then they get 60 veal chops I never ordered, and...

I've just been going through the motion.

You really care.

My next motion is [inaudible].

Well Jerry, help me.

Oh, Andrea, please.

I'm tired.

See?

T-I-R-E-D. Oh, come on, honey.

You do this every day.

What else can you do?

Well, for one thing, I'm through making the rounds.

I'm going to go after one big part.

Did you say a big part?

Funny you should say big part.

I was reading not more than 10 minutes ago right... right here,

Andrea, in your show business.

We have big parts. Everybody...

Not some crummy walk.

I'm so far up Broadway, I've got to get a visa to go to work,

But a part worth going after.

I'm going to focus on one part... one part.

And I'm going to get that part.

What are you talking about now, huh?

Not any other [inaudible] to a man.

Ow!

You're nuts.

Oh, sweet Romeo.

Oh my god.

Those were my favorite hairs.

Be some other name.

I got those for Christmas.

What's in a name?

That which would [inaudible]...

Hey.

Hey [inaudible].

Would you just stop it?

Don't you think you're overreacting a little bit, huh?

I mean, how is all of this craziness

Going to help solve your problem?

But It's not my only problem.

Great, Andrea.

What else did you wake me up to tell me?

Auditioning makes me horny.

Now that's a problem I can help you with.

Come here, you little [inaudible].

[Laugh]

Oh.

Mmm.

Yeah.

Mmm.

Does thou love me?

I know thou [inaudible].

I love when draweth my mighty sword.

[Laugh]

Ooh.

Ahh.

If love is [inaudible], they say love laugh.

Oh.

I laugh.

Oh, gentle Romeo.

If thou does love, pronounce it faithfully.

MAN: Oh, I love thou.

Uh oh.

Andrea.

Andy... [whistles] hello there?

Huh?

I may have forgotten my royal shield.

Ugh.

Or if thou thinks thy I am too quickly won,

I'll frown and be perverse and say thee may, and thus my love

For Romeo be shalt. [laugh] I long

To take thy wanger in my mouth.

What the hell kind of Shakespeare is...

[Sucking noise]

Oh, god.

I love Shakespeare.

MAN (ON RADIO): It is now [inaudible].

All employees will synchronize watches.

Excuse me, Jennifer?

Do you have the time?

My Japanese... thank you, Jennifer.

MAN (ON RADIO): Dessert alert.

Dessert alert.

Menu control.

Menu control.

Extend recovery effort to all parts of the main cabin.

[Inaudible].

Did I ever show you Big Mo's rod?

[Laugh] Take a look at this.

I don't want anybody else to see.

[Laugh] [inaudible].

[Laugh]

Cute.

- [laugh] - Small-

Yeah.

But cute.

Now, shithead, the salads.

No sense of humor, that girl.

This.

This.

Out.

Out.

All right, Lindsay.

Your dad wants you to learn how to run the kitchen.

Let's go.

As he says, the customer will forgive anything

As long as the food is good.

Now, I'm going to introduce you to Pievault, our chef.

Pievault?

What kind of name is that?

I don't know, Russian or something.

Listen, he's a good chef, but he's

Dangerous when he gets drunk.

So no matter what you do, you do not, under any circumstances,

Give him a drink.

Who, me?

I wouldn't.

[Inaudible], my little Americanski.

[Inaudible] to find a beautiful woman who understands

The soul of a Russian artist.

And drinks like one, too.

Hey.

Hi, [inaudible].

Where are my pickles?

Table number 11 is screaming.

Tell table number 11.

They are not rushing great art.

I need a chicken, Pievault, on truck hold.

Don't forget.

Don't forget?

What, I am Mr. Memory?

Boy.

Yes, sir?

Bring me a [inaudible].

Jennifer, you have to keep this freezer absolutely spotless.

Oh, sugar.

It's like eating honeydew melons in the middle of February.

Ah!

Hey.

Hey.

The [inaudible] is here!

Hey!

We're saved.

I told you if we took off our clothes something would happen.

[Inaudible]

You [inaudible].

No, [inaudible].

You'll never believe what happened.

Oh!

Oh!

What is this turtle doing in my soup?

The [inaudible].

Oh!

What do you do to a turtle with three balls?

Walk 'em and [inaudible].

Might I trouble you for a little wine?

Oh, no trouble at all, sir.

Oh, I'm so fed up.

I... this shit is driving me crazy.

I just want to...

There are no more chickens.

No more chickens?

[Inaudible] chicken Pievault with no more chickens,

Unless, of course, I give them something better.

[Inaudible]

[Scream]

[Inaudible].

It's smelling like chicken.

Yes, sir.

Wine, please.

Wine.

Well, what kind of wine would you like?

A nice French one.

Yes, sir.

A French one.

[Crying]

Oh, no.

[Inaudible].

Go back to work!

[Inaudible] some cowboy [inaudible].

Come on, little buddy.

Come up!

Yahoo!

Now I am going to throw you my famous sauce tomato.

First is adding a little hot sauce...

Just a hit of hot sauce.

Only a spoonful.

I don't fool around.

Then a dash of salt.

[Inaudible], I just lost my tip from table number 11,

And I'm taking it out of your salary.

My salary?

You're not touching my salary, you [inaudible]!

Sir, aren't you having any wine with your dinner?

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, you must.

You must have some wine with your dinner.

Nope. No wine.

Oh, I insist, please.

The management will be very upset.

Please. It's on the house.

Really. Really?

- Yes. - Yes?

Well, in that case, I'll have some French... no.

No, no.

I'm not falling for that again.

No.

I'll have a nice domestic wine.

Yes, sir.

Coming right up.

Oh.

Vodka.

Vodka!

[Inaudible].

Of course. [Inaudible].

No, no, no, no.

Vodka's for us, my little [inaudible].

Where is my glass?

Look, you potato-headed hash slinger.

If I don't get that [inaudible] nowski,

You're going back to Burger King, where you belong!

Burger King?

You call Pievault the great chef potato head?

I give you potato head.

I give you potato face.

I make you potato box.

I make you everything.

The boss will hear about this.

Don't worry, Pievault. My father owns this place.

I love [inaudible].

But you?

I never liked!

Yes, sir.

Your domestic wine.

Oh.

Thank you.

Thank you, yes.

Oh, (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) you want me to do the dishes?

I hate doing dishes. Oh, no.

No. Not again.

And windows. I never do windows.

You [inaudible], [inaudible] ready to server.

And with your meal, our chef's special sauce,

Tomato [inaudible].

Thank you.

Hey, this isn't swordfish.

It's [inaudible].

[Choking] [gagging]

(SINGING) Tulip or turnip, rosebud or rhubarb,

Filet, or plain beef stew.

Tell me, tell me, tell me a [inaudible].

Oh, what am I to do?

[Choking]

It's needing something.

You're right, Lisa.

It needs just a little more Tabasco sauce.

Lisa, am I boring you?

Come on, Lisa.

Wake up. [Inaudible].

Come on. [Inaudible].

[Inaudible] earlier.

[Inaudible]

(SINGING) Filet, or plain beef stew.

Tell me, tell me, tell me, [inaudible].

Oh, what am I to do?

[Screaming]

Home, home on the gas range, where the deer and the antelope

Is [inaudible].

And now, I am making my piece de resistance.

What's that?

A really popular dish.

Ooh.

Bitch flambe!

What the hell is...

[Screaming]

Pievault, will you put that fire out?

What... what do you think she is, Joan of Arc?

WOMAN (VOICEOVER): Joan of Arc?

That's it.

I could be Joan of Arc.

Why, she's been my hero ever since I

Read the classic comic book about her.

But no one can play her as well as I can.

[Inaudible], George Bellman isn't some artsy-fartsy

Producer from SoHo.

I mean, this guy's box office.

He... he... he offered the Muppets $10 million to do a porno film.

I'm gonna do it, Jerry.

Andrea, you and I both know you're a bundle of talent,

Right?

But we... we also know this business.

It's not what you know, it's who you know.

Right?

And we don't know nobody.

That's it!

What?

Andrea, look out.

Do you remember the checkout girl at the A&P?

Well, she once told me that her aunt's

Next-door neighbor once did Bellman's secretary's nails!

That's it!

I'm in!

I'm Joan of Arc!

[Inaudible].

Boogie, mama!

WOMAN (VOICEOVER): Remember, the mature teen goes for a man

With a mind, not just a body.

Do some browsing at the public library.

That's where you'll find your cosmopolitan intellectual.

Pardon me.

Are you interested in chemistry?

No.

Oh.

Well, that is the chemistry section you're looking through,

Isn't it? Look, lady.

Does someone necessarily have to be

Interested in chemistry just to borrow

A book for their roommate? Huh?

Would you tell me that, please? Thank you.

Oh, no. Not at all.

As a matter of fact, I hate chemistry.

It was my worst subject in school.

Look, lady.

Why the... oh.

Would you tell me why you were asking me all

These dumb questions, please?

Would you just tell me why you walked over here?

Wait a minute.

Hol... ho... are you making a pass at me?

Well, uh...

You are making a pass at me?

Aren't you?

I'm doing this article for Mature Teen Magazine.

[Inaudible], this is incredible.

I mean, I can't believe it.

Nobody has ever walked over to me and said,

Hello there, Melvin.

I think you're a wonderful person,

And I would really like to meet you.

I mean, I think that you are so spendiperous...

MAN: Can you be quiet please?

That we could have a wonderful relationship.

- Young man? - Yes?

- You should be more quiet. - I know.

But I'm just very happy.

You see, this young lady, she just made a pass at me.

What young lady?

What do you mean, what young lady?

This young lady.

Oh my god.

I lost her.

Wait!

[Inaudible]

Oh.

I'm sorry.

Oh.

Oh, [inaudible]. Excuse me.

Well, excuse me.

Bellman stinks.

Bellman stinks.

Bellman stinks.

Bellman stinks.

(SINGING) I said I love you, but [inaudible].

I want you, baby, but I [inaudible].

Hello.

I'm Andrea Morgan, and you don't know me.

But I was sent by a friend...

Oh, the temporary stenographer.

Uh, uh, yes.

The temporary stenographer.

Well, get your buns in there.

You're late already.

Uh, yes, ma'am.

Yo.

Letter to Albert Goldfarb.

You'll find his address in our investor list.

Dear Albert, I've just laid my hands on Joan of Ark.

It is written by Rufus Zogbaum.

And, boy, is he terrific.

It's an excellent investment.

Look at that size of that pickle.

I bet your pardon?

Oh, I was just looking at my pickle.

Where was I?

Oh, yes.

Joan is the hottest property I've come across in years.

You will remember it is about this little French lass who

Bellows encouragement to the [inaudible]

To drive out the English, does battle

At the head of the entire French army,

And then is taken by the Spanish Inquisition,

Who burn her as a witch.

Are you getting all of this?

Huh?

Oh, um.

Yes, sir.

Uh, where was I?

I'm Miss Simmons, the temporary stenographer

Sent over by the agency.

Yeah, and I'm Bo Derek.

Listen, honey.

That's the oldest trick in the book.

You want an audition?

You get your ass over there and wait your turn.

But I am the stenographer.

Listen!

You get your ass over there, or I'll turn that prude

Face into prune whip.

Thank you, Ms. Derek.

Bitch.

Hey, lady.

Who said you could get ahead of the line?

Yeah!

[Commotion]

Ow! Ah!

Eee! Oooh!

Oh!

Albert, I hope you will stick with me on this script.

I know it is right up your alley.

Put my best regards your wife.

George Bellman.

Uh, will you read that back to me now, Ms. Morgan?

Uh, Ms. Morgan?

Huh?

Oh.

Would you read that back to me now?

Oh, uh.

Uh, Dear Alfred.

Yes.

Go on.

I have just laid Rufus Zogbaum, and boy, is he terrific.

Wow, the size of his pickle.

Joan is a hot little French ass who blows an English dolphin,

Gives head to the entire French army

Before she is burnt for being a bitch.

I hope you will take this script and stick it up your wife.

Yours truly, George Bellman.

That's a very nice letter, my dear.

And the nice part of it is you wrote it all by yourself

Without any help from me.

Oh, Mr. Bellman, I'm sorry.

But, you see, I'm not really a stenographer.

You're kidding.

It's about Joan of Arc.

What are you, a reporter?

A fire marshal?

No.

I'm an actress.

Oh, an actress.

Not just an actress, but Joan herself... come back to triumph

In an age that understands me.

On Broadway, no doubt.

Oh, Mr. Bellman, if you'd just see me act,

You'd see I'm perfect for the part.

I have seen you act.

You play a lousy stenographer.

I think it is time for you to leave now.

Ms. Sharky.

English dog.

Does thou think you can frighten me with hollow threats?

[Laugh]

Joan of Arc is burning to leave.

I am on French soil, and a single Frenchman

On his native ground is worth a thousand

English away from home.

Stay away, wench.

I'm a brown belt.

I'm a black belt.

I'm, um, taking the window!

Come on, honey.

You're taking the mail chute.

Courage, Joan.

Though my flesh be banned.

Courage to the end.

Goodbye, Joan.

Enough goodbye.

Muah!

Au revoir! [Scream]

[Glass shattering]

Sorry, but it's the only thing those cheap producers

Of this film would spring for.

Ha.

Last film I do for them.

Look.

On the streets of New York, we're just

An average, everyday couple.

Average my ass.

And that's a lot of ass.

[Inaudible].

I mean, don't you think you're overdoing it a little bit?

I look like a razor from one of those commercials.

No.

If anything, I feel like I've left something out.

Possible.

[Inaudible].

Do you see what I see? No, Andrea.

You'd never get away with it.

No way.

Oh, I'm a wiz with horses.

No. Read my lips.

No. Please.

No.

Now, you promised me you'd help me.

Oh, please, no.

(SINGING) I love New York.

Doo doo doo doo do.

Excuse me, officer.

I believe this is my car you're ticketing.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

But I believe it's legally parked.

Aw, pal.

Check the sign.

Uh, begging your officer's pardon, I have read that sign.

And it says no standing.

It don't say nothing about no parking.

Same thing.

Well, if it's the same thing.

How come you [inaudible]?

Look, Jack.

No standing means you're not allowed to park while you're

Sitting in your vehicle.

Look, Sam.

Why didn't the sign just say no sitting?

Because when you're sitting in your vehicle,

You're not sitting.

Oh, I'm not, huh?

Well, if I'm not sitting when I'm sitting in my car,

What am I doing when I'm not sitting in my car?

You're parking.

I'm not standing here talking to you?

- Nope. - I'm parking.

That's right.

Now, look.

I'm driving along here in my car and I pull up

To the curb, what am I doing?

Are you sitting in the vehicle?

Of course I'm sitting in the vehicle.

Then you're standing.

Why am I standing?

Because you're sitting in the car.

Sitting in the car. OK.

OK.

Let me try this from the beginning, all right?

I'm driving along here in my car, and I pull up the curb.

I start to get out of the car, and so I'm not sitting

And I'm not standing because I have one foot in the car

And one foot on the street.

Now what I am I doing?

You're pushing your luck.

- What am I doing? - You're loading.

I'm getting out of my car, but I'm loading.

That's it. You're loading.

All right. I think I got it.

Now, you tell me if it's the way it goes.

When I'm sitting in my car, I'm standing.

And when I'm not sitting in my car,

I'm not standing outside my car, I'm parked.

And when I'm parking, I'm not sitting

Or standing or parking, because, by some miracle, I'm loading.

Is that it?

That's it.

Say, you're swell, pal.

Listen.

You mind if I ask you one more question?

Are you actually planning on writing that sign post,

Or are you just afraid it's going to get away?

Silly.

Hey!

Come back here!

Ah!

Bellman, quite frankly, uh, investing in a Broadway play,

For me, is a horse of a different color.

And who are you going to get as a main star?

Oh, I assure you, Alfred, "Joan of Arc" is a sound investment.

And, as a matter of fact, I am currently

Negotiating with Laura Ball to play the lead.

Laura Ball, huh?

Isn't she a bit old to be playing Joan of Arc?

[Inaudible].

She plays the [inaudible].

But with her name on the marquee,

She guarantees us a profit.

Oh, Alfred, let's invest.

It would be so exciting to have a piece of a Broadway play.

We could have a party in the opening night.

We can invite the Winslows, and Harriet [inaudible].

She'll be green when I tell her.

Well, Bellman, your investment sounds

Just too good to pass up.

But I don't know... Uh, theater people.

It always seemed... well, rather unpredictable.

You know, eccentric.

Oh, Alfred, I assure you.

I'm a conservative businessman, just like you.

As a matter of fact, I have a reputation

For being... nothing more, thank you...

For being quite conservative.

What the devil is that?

Oh, this is goose pate.

Why?

[Inaudible].

It is I, Joan!

[Inaudible]

[Inaudible] to crown the king [inaudible].

[Inaudible]

Ah.

Ahh!

[Inaudible].

[Inaudible] the Charles?

I be not.

[Inaudible]

[Inaudible] very well who I be.

What's the meaning of this, Bellman?

Do you know this woman?

Why, certainly not.

Will you get the hell out of here?

- Do I get the audition now? - No.

Alfred, stop talking. [inaudible] your wife

Is being assaulted by a horse.

And who is this baffoon [inaudible]?

Buffoon?

But, why, Joan, this be no buffoon.

This be Masseur Alfred [inaudible], the [inaudible].

That does it, Bellman.

I will not be made a fool of any longer.

[Inaudible].

You've been a fool far too long as it is.

BELLMAN: Please, Alfred.

I assure you [inaudible].

[Inaudible], [inaudible].

Tell this [inaudible].

And he can take his [inaudible] with him.

Come, Lydia. Lydia.

Lydia!

[Screaming]

Lydia!

Lydia!

Do you realize that man whose wife just assaulted

Could have backed my whole production

Without batting an eyelash?

I guess I just got carried away.

Well, he is a bit of a buffoon now, isn't he?

A bit.

Did you see his face when you... [laugh] Now, look here.

If you don't leave me alone, I'm going to call the police.

All right, I'm going.

But you haven't seen the last of me, George Bellman.

I'm going behind your every step.

Every time you turn around, I'm going

To be there, as Joan, until you see

That I'm perfect for the part.

[Inaudible].

[Inaudible].

Where'd you find the horse, mac?

Uh, we had lunch together.

[Awkward laugh]

[Humming]

Hello, Charlie.

It is I, the ghost of Joan of Arc, burned at the stake,

Come back to haunt the man whom I crowned

In his cathedral [inaudible] and who did not raise a [inaudible]

To my ransom.

He, [inaudible].

WOMAN (VOICEOVER): When evening falls,

Go after the strong, silent type.

But remember, these men are very shy.

So ask him about himself.

Only you can bring him out of his shell.

Um, excuse me, Mr. Felix?

How tall did you say you were?

Six feet.

[Gasp]

And 11 inches.

WOMAN (VOICEOVER): Looking for a clean-cut guy?

Check out your neighborhood laundromat.

If you're lucky, he may ask to share your detergent.

MAN: Speed. Camera.

Action.

What would you say if I took away your detergent

And ripped your blouse in half?

Hey, are you crazy or something?

That's my favorite blouse.

I don't believe this.

[Inaudible].

Hey, boss.

I think she dropped these.

I don't think she, uh, uses our product.

WOMAN (VOICEOVER): If you're tired of all

The gimmicks and artificial ingredients, go organic.

Forget the discos and cocktail parties.

Head for the beach... that's where you'll find a real man.

When all else fails, the way to a man's heart

Is through his stomach.

The Mature Teen makes sure her man gets a gourmet luncheon.

Here's your lunch, Bill.

Oh, great.

Ah... oh, no.

Are you all right?

Um, uh, shall we go out to lunch?

I'll have to change.

Tell me, uh, what do you do in real life?

I'm a writer.

Well, trying to be a writer.

Hey, hold the phone.

You're kidding.

I'm doing an article now for Mature Teen Magazine.

Great.

What about?

Well, it's about picking up... it's about men.

Picking up men.

Bill, how come you never talk about yourself?

Why are you always so quiet and serious?

I'm in training.

[Gasp]

Oh, that's so gory.

Is there lots of blood?

NARRATOR: Ooh, blood.

Yeah. [Inaudible] lots of blood.

And doesn't it hurt?

Well, we have certain drugs which

Take care of that [inaudible].

Oh, that's so dangerous.

BILL: Yeah.

Sometimes it's a matter of life and death for the patient.

What do you mean for the patient?

I'm a doctor, as I'm training to be a surgeon.

I've got another year left in medical school,

Then internship and residency.

And if you want to specialize, it's more.

I never knew this sort of thing existed in New York.

Yeah.

It's a pretty sunset, isn't it?

It reminds me of the ones we had back home in Indiana.

It's so pretty.

You know, sometimes when there are clouds around the sunset,

It reminds me of the way my ma used to mash instant potatoes

In her blender.

What a lovely way of putting it.

You think so?

WOMAN (VOICEOVER): Don't worry.

You can let him have a little kiss.

It won't lead anywhere, because you're in control, girl.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

Oh.

Ooh.

Mmm.

Ahh.

[Inaudible].

I told you, all the boys must wash hands

Before leaving the restroom.

Hey Jerry.

Are you paying for the old bag's lunch again?

NARRATOR: Three plates of beans?

No wonder she gets around so fast.

Put her her on my personal account.

And hey, don't call Mrs. Margolis an old bag.

[Farting noise]

MAN (ON LOUDSPEAKER): Calling Dr.

Howard, Dr. Stein, Dr. Howard.

Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Stein, Dr. Howard.

Who'd have thought?

Malignant hemhorroids.

You tried your best, Doctor.

Hello there.

How are you? Oh.

Oh. I'm sorry.

[Inaudible].

Oh, God bless you.

I... uh, does Jennifer Martin work here?

Well, yeah.

Jennifer works here.

Oh, good.

You see, she tried to pick me u... I mean,

We met at the library the other day,

And I thought I'd like to come in and see her.

You know what I mean?

Well, why don't you have a seat?

She'll be back in a few minutes. Oh, thank you.

I will. Yeah.

Oh.

Excuse me.

Is Jennifer here?

MAN: Well, she's not here now, but she works here.

You know, this reminds me of the place I met my Janet.

MAN: Janet?

Janet!

Don't you ever mention the name Janet!

- [gagging] - Excuse me.

Is Jennifer Martin here?

I was supposed to meet her for a [inaudible].

Is Jennifer here?

Excuse me.

She [inaudible].

She made a pass at me.

[Inaudible commotion]

Excuse me. Excuse me, gentlemen.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Uh, Jennifer left these the other day.

Would you tell her that I washed them for her?

There she is.

There she [inaudible].

[Commotion]

Are these white enough for you, Jenny?

Oh, Bill, wait!

MAN: [inaudible] Jennifer.

[Inaudible].

I can explain!

Lindsay, you're supposed to have a conversation with him

Before you start taking your clothes off.

It's not my fault.

He just didn't have anything interesting to say.

I think little miss hot pants here wants to do

Your research for Mature Teen.

By the way, how's it going?

Oh, pretty good... Except the guy I

Interviewed at the laundromat brought

My bra and panties back, and Bill got the wrong idea.

Now he won't even talk to me.

What about all of those women patients in his work?

Yeah, taking their clothes off in front of him?

Oh, Doctor, I've got an ear infection.

Ahem.

Take your clothes off.

Didn't Bill say that he had a big presentation

Tomorrow in obstetrics class?

Something about the menstrual cycle?

I used to have a menstrual cycle,

But I traded it for a Honda.

Rawr!

Hey, Jen.

I think Bill would just love for you to attend his presentation.

Yeah I think he'd be proud.

Now, cramps are just one of the physical indications

Of this part of the menstrual cycle.

Another is engorgement from dilated blood vessels,

As is evidenced here on this Swinson twins.

Now, during non-menstrual periods of the cycle,

Both girls are fairly similar in both size and weight.

Bab Swinson, as you can see, is not engorged.

Her menstrual flow ceased last week.

However, her twin sister Bunny has

Considerable engorgement, particularly

In the breast area.

This is due to hormonal changes which occur during this period

Of simulated pregnancy.

Now, as you will recall, during pregnancy,

There is both breast enlargement and nipple

And areola pigmentation.

I would ask you here to please notice

The enlargement of the areola around the nipple.

The breast itself is considerably firmer

Than during non-menstrual periods of the cycle.

Bill Whitley.

Jennifer?

I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't

Seen it with my own eyes.

What are you doing here?

After what you said about my work.

BILL: Your work?

Bill?

My apologies, Dr. Kleinbum.

And excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.

Just take a second.

This lady is deranged.

[Inaudible].

Caught you red-handed, Bill.

This is obstetrics class.

This is my life.

How low can you get?

You know, he gets mad at me just because I like to talk

To men on street corners.

That has nothing to do with it!

He wanted me to give up my career.

Your career?

But it's only one article for a lousy gossip rag.

You gonad face.

Your hands were cold, anyway.

Order.

Oh, look. I've got to run to the bank.

Do you think can set up for me while I'm gone?

Who, me?

Look, it's either you or Moe.

And if Andrea ever shows up today,

Will you tell her she's late again?

[Inaudible], where are the table clothes?

Where is Jerry going?

Out, and he left me in charge.

Well, I don't know what you're going to do, boss,

But that lady back there wants to sign her check.

Yeah, that's Mrs. Margolis.

Jerry always lets her sign.

Hey, wait a minute.

Let me take care of this.

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

I'm going to hate myself in the morning.

But at least for least once, Jerry's going

To appreciate something I do.

[Farting noises]

Excuse me, miss, but, I'm really sorry,

But I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Because we have this new policy... no more credit.

And, um, really, you'll have to abide to those rules from now

On.

[Farting noises]

There were mass demonstrations here today

In front of Reems Cathedral, as 500 white-robed schoolchildren

Threatened to immolate themselves unless they could

Have Kermit the Frog as hostage, or unless Andrea Morgan could

Play the part of Joan of Arc in George

Bellman's new production!

[Humming]

Millie!

[Gasp] No.

No.

It's you!

Oh.

No!

What's the matter, George?

Of course it's me!

[Laughter]

[Scream]

[Scream]

[Whistle]

[Moan]

Where to, Bub?

To 730 Th... ah.

No!

[Inaudible] Joan [inaudible].

[Inaudible] in an age that understands me.

Not just an actress, but Joan of Arc!

Come back [inaudible] not just an actress, but Joan of Arc!

Joan of Arc!

Joan of Arc!

Joan of Arc!

Joan of Arc!

No.

No audition.

No.

No audition.

No.

No audition.

No.

No audition.

You [inaudible].

[Inaudible]

No audition!

No!

No!

[Laugh]

That'll be $3.50.

Oh.

Oh.

That'll be $3.50.

Good afternoon.

Can I take your order now?

Yes.

We'll start with the Cherrystone clams.

And, uh... it's not really you.

I know it's not really you, and if I close my eyes,

You'll disappear.

George, have you lost your mind?

I'm having another one of my visions.

Well, I know the young lady's attractive,

But there's no need to overdo it.

- It is me. - It's you.

It's her.

It's her.

Her.

The girl who's been hounding me.

Joan of Arc. That's Joan of Arc?

Ah, uh, no.

Of course it isn't.

She's only pretending to be Joan of Arc.

Do you know she looks to me as though she's

Pretending to be a waitress?

I really am your waitress.

Nonsense.

You're an actress.

She's an actress.

I'm an actress.

That's what I have been trying to tell you.

She is an actress, therefore she cannot be a waitress.

Be gone, child.

Oh, for goodness sake, George.

You've got it all backwards.

If she is an actress, then she must be a waitress.

Have you forgotten that I was a waitress when you met me?

You were a waitress?

And an actress.

Now, Millie.

And I could have been a star, too,

If Mr. Bigshot here hadn't been left over from the Middle Ages

And made me quit.

Mr. Bellman, shame on you.

Now, wait a minute.

Now, you wait a minute, George.

Honey, have you been trying to get

My husband to give you a part in one of his productions?

All I want is an audition.

I'm not asking for any special favors.

No.

N-O. No audition.

George, I am not going to let you stand

In the way of this girl's career the way

You stood in the way of mine.

But I've already promised Joan of Arc to Laura Ball.

Laura Ball?

That old bag?

Now, how do you expect a woman older than I

Am to plan an 18-year-old girl?

Please, Mr. Bellman, just give me a chance.

All right.

All right?

All right!

All right.

If you promise you'll leave me alone afterwards.

But as far as I'm concerned, Laura Ball is still Joan.

MILLIE: Eww.

Now, do you still want that audition or not?

Yes!

Yes!

Oh, just don't let me see your face until Friday in my office.

And don't bring your steno pad.

And don't bring your horse.

And don't bring your friend the court jester.

[Inaudible].

I did it.

I did it.

Yay!

[Inaudible].

Jennifer, are you sure you're going

To be able to lock up alone?

- Oh, sure. - All right.

Thanks, kid.

Appreciate it.

Bye bye.

Oh, Andrea.

Congratulations on your audition.

Thanks.

Thanks again.

WOMAN (VOICEOVER): When you're looking

For a perfect relationship, don't be afraid to try

Something a little different.

Who knows?

You may learn something, and you may like it.

Hey, sugar! [Laugh] How you doing?

Sugar, you can hold out longer than most.

[Laugh] I gotta hand it to you.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah.

[Laugh] Oh.

Oh.

You know, you've been here a week,

And we still haven't gotten together.

When are you going to come up to my apartment?

Ha.

Whoa!

You all right?

A person could get killed working at this.

[Inaudible]

[Laugh] What am I gonna do with this?

Well, what do you say, sugar?

Do you want to come on over to my apartment?

Huh?

Huh?

You know, it's like they say on the [inaudible].

You've tried the rest, now try the best.

Hey, I want you to know that I really appreciate this...

Just me and you, no roommates.

It's a miracle.

[Laugh] Well, I admit it took some doing.

I had to get Barbara theater tickets

To make her go out tonight.

Wouldn't have that problem if we had a place of our own,

You know.

Can it.

Now, I promised you a quiet evening,

And that's what you're going to get.

Mmm, and I promised you lots of champagne.

And that's just one of the things you're going to get.

[Laugh] [inaudible], sugar.

I'm so glad you could stop by.

[Laugh]

[Inaudible]

[Laugh]

Woo!

[Creepy laugh]

Now, that'll keep us safe from any of them...

Uh, mmm, New York prevert muggers.

[Laugh] Come on in here, sugar.

Just make yourself at home.

Ooh.

Oh.

Let me ask you something, sugar.

Are you the kind of girl that likes, uh, music?

- Oh, sure. - (YELLING) Hey!

Hey!

I knew you are.

Knew it! [Laugh] I'm going to put some on right now.

Ooh, wee!

Oh, Jerry.

[Gagging]

Barbara.

Is that champagne?

I thought I smelled it from my room.

What about the theater?

Uh, I canceled.

My stomach is upset and my nose is runny.

Sorry I can't offer you any food,

But we weren't expecting any third parties.

Do you mind if I ask you a quick question?

How can you smell champagne from your room with a cold?

Yeah.

Ahh... [sneeze].

[Doorbell]

I'll get it.

[Doorbell]

Yeah.

Howdy.

Bob Cobb, here.

Is Syd here? Uh, Syd?

Wait a minute.

Is that champagne I smell?

Get out the way, son!

[Doorbell]

Yeah.

Evenin'.

The name's Hallsy, the plumber.

I'm here about the marble sinks.

Marble sinks?

Well, [laugh] don't float.

MAN: This music sucks.

I'm going to put on some real music.

Ho.

Evening sir.

Fred Zebo is the name, and dirt is my game.

And I have a little idea that you're not going to believe...

A little machine here.

It steams, it cleans, it dreams.

If you'll just allow me to trash up

Your already filthy carpet... Pretty grisly sight,

You might say.

What the hell's going on, you might ask?

Well, have no fear, Fred Zebo here.

I'm going to introduce you to the little machine that

Cleans, and steams, it dreams.

It can do more tricks than a $5 whore on Friday night,

And it has better sucking action, too.

It do. It do.

It did.

It usually does.

[Doorbell]

Yeah.

You Wellhung?

What?

This apartment of Mr. and Mrs. Wellhung?

No.

[Inaudible] schmuck gave me the wrong address.

I come in useful?

Uh, yeah.

Go ahead.

Pizza.

Hey, buddy!

[Inaudible]

[Laugh] I find that rhythm kind of, uh, sensuous, myself.

[Laugh] So, sugar, what do you think of my spread, huh?

[Laugh] Oh, you don't have to answer.

See, cause I know.

See, I know.

I know all the girls at work.

[Inaudible] told you about my... ooh... my home.

Ooh.

Entertain me.

[Inaudible]

ROBOT VOICE: You will receive pleasure.

MOE: Hey, sugar!

Ooh, woo!

(SINGING) Love on the street, serving New

York's elite all night long.

Oooh!

[Inaudible]

Ooh.

OK, filly.

Let's see how you do on the quarter mile.

No, Moe!

No, no.

Moan, when you say that.

Operator, connect me with [inaudible].

Hey, Mr. Don't make joke on me. [Inaudible] champagne.

[Inaudible] champagne?

Is this like sake?

Sake to me!

[Knocking]

[Laughter]

OK.

OK, sugar.

I get it.

I get it.

You're the kind of girl that likes [inaudible].

Hey!

Are you crazy or something?

That's my favorite blouse.

Hey, woo hoo!

Here we go!

[Laugh] Whoa.

Woo hoo!

[Laugh]

Oh, Moe.

Yeah?

You know, you're really good.

Oh, I know.

The girls told you, huh? [Laugh]

Can I... can I tell you how I really like it?

Oh, sure, sugar.

When it comes to you out-of-town babes,

You're all the same to Big Moe.

[Laugh]

See, the reason I left Indiana?

Yeah.

Well, uh, it's because I like it kinky.

Kinky?

Did you say kinky?

Kinky?

Oh, wee!

Kinky!

Oh, she likes it kinky.

Did you hear that, dude?

That means she likes it kinky.

Sugar, I'll do whatever way you want to. [Laugh]

I'm sorry.

Look, I'll make it up to you.

Next time, I'll take you out to eat.

Oh, that's very nice... very nice.

Except I work in a restaurant six days a week.

I don't want to go to one on my night off.

Well, what's the alternative?

The alternative is getting a place of our own.

Hey.

This would be a nice place for the phone.

Listen.

How come every time I try to talk to you,

I have to hear about Joan of Arc?

Did you say want the [inaudible]?

Because that just happens to be the most important

Thing in my life right now.

Well, if you feel that stubbornly about it.

[Inaudible].

What did you say?

We got parts.

It even has a special glass-cleaning attachment.

Maybe I ought to get one of them things for my wife.

Your wife!

You didn't tell me that you were married, you [inaudible]!

Admit it.

You were [inaudible].

You have the idea of [inaudible] just as important as yours.

You [inaudible].

Goddammit, that's right.

I hate your acting, and I hate your goddamn women's

Lib and [inaudible].

Because if you were really so independent,

You wouldn't be so afraid of getting more involved with me.

[Inaudible].

You... you... you male chauvinist pig!

Oh, so [inaudible] male chauvinist pig.

I'll give you chauvinist pig.

From now on, when you come into my restaurant,

You punch my o'clock and you become my waitress.

So that's Mr. Male Chauvinist, a bleh-bleh-bleh, pig to you!

Well, Joan and I won't be coming into your restaurant

Anymore.

Oh.

[Inaudible], how are you doing?

[Inaudible] tormenting you.

Girls have got to stick together.

This, you lousy hippie.

Well, if it's on the carpet, we'll

Just clean it up with our special cocaine attachment.

[Laugh] For a filly from Indiana, you sure

Know a lot about men, sugar.

[Inaudible] begin?

[Laugh]

Just a second, Moe.

I don't want this to be over too quickly.

Ooh, wee.

I really want to enjoy this.

Yeah, so do I. Hey, sugar.

What you putting your clothes on for?

Are you sure you're still turned on?

Oh, listen to this.

[Breathing heavily]

Ahh.

I still have a [inaudible].

Come on, sugar.

Let's get going.

I can't wait.

Ooh, boy, I'm happy.

[Laugh] Hey, sugar.

Hey, what you all doing?

Ooh. We're going for a ride.

Wait.

Wait a minute, sugar.

The bedroom's the other way.

This is to the hallway, sugar.

Uh, hey, sugar, what kind of kinky is this?

Sugar, I'm losing my hard on.

Sugar, oh, it's a joke, right?

[Laugh] Nice joke. [Inaudible].

Sugar, I'm not laughing anymore.

Jennifer, wait a minute.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Say, you actually called me by my human name.

You're learning, sugar.

But you're right.

There is something I'm forgetting.

Jennifer.

Uh.

Good evening, folks.

[Laugh] Uh, just checking out hallway security here.

You know... any strange happenings lately or anything?

[Laugh]

Miss [inaudible], reserve me a table for eight

At the restaurant for Friday.

[Inaudible], I'm bringing some important stockholders.

Make sure that my daughter is on her best behavior.

Yes, sir.

[Inaudible].

I haven't seen Mrs. Margolis around here lately.

Oh, [inaudible]. I know.

I gave her the boot.

You what?

[Inaudible] I told her not to come back unless she had cash.

Really?

(YELLING) Are you crazy?

I thought it would please you.

I mean, you [inaudible]. [interposing voices]

Oh, yeah.

I'm delighted that you gave the boot

To the woman who gave me my start

In the restaurant business.

That bag woman?

That bag woman happened to have been one of the greatest chefs

In the City of New York, until she developed

A tragic allergy to Teflon.

Oh, Jerry.

I'm sorry.

I really am.

Just like you were sorry about all the other crap

You pulled here, and getting Pievault drunk.

Right.

Look, I said, I was sorry.

Now there's no need to talk to me that way.

Hey, now wait a minute.

As long as I run this restaurant,

I'll talk to you anyway I want.

As long as I run this restaurant,

As long as I run this family!

You sound just like my father.

Anybody with an IQ over 75 could run this restaurant.

Oh yeah?

Then why don't you make that an IQ of 25, and you've

Got the job.

And what's that supposed to mean?

It means, you little shit, you inherited

Your daddy's business a little ahead of schedule,

Because I quit.

It's all yours, Ms. Cavendish.

All yours... the whole kit and caboodle.

The paint's peeling in the kitchen.

The stove leaks gas.

And we're down one waitress since Joan of Marty

Has been riding out of here.

Oh, yes.

You might be interested about a very

Special party we have coming in... the Cavendish party.

Good luck.

Daddy?

Oh, no.

MALE (ON SPEAKER): The chocolate fondue [inaudible]

On [inaudible].

Borcht!

Borcht!

A goat cheese omelette on rye on a [inaudible].

[Inaudible] to the Star Light Room.

[Inaudible]

Hey! [Inaudible], get back to work!

[Inaudible]

You really should try the borscht here.

It's absolutely excellent.

It's better than the borscht I had when I went to Russia.

Oh, I'm so impressed.

I told you to serve those rolls.

Want some rolls, sir?

I'll serve some rolls.

Here's my first serve.

[Inaudible], lousy service,

What do you think you're doing?

I'm celebrating.

[Inaudible]

[Inaudible]

I am [inaudible].

[Inaudible], you're blitzed.

Liquor has not touched my lips.

Oh no?

Then you must have developed a shortcut.

I've got 70 customers out there.

One more drink, [inaudible].

And then I begin to [inaudible].

Absolutely not.

You've had plenty already.

Lindsay, you'd better give it to him.

Even Jerry lets him have a nip now and then.

[Inaudible].

Now, get over here and get to work!

Hey. [Inaudible] boss me in my kitchen?

I run this [inaudible] kitchen.

[Inaudible], but I am good [inaudible],

And you are lousy [inaudible].

[Inaudible], I've got customers out there,

And I'm not going to keep them waiting for this beet shit!

Beet shit?

Beet shit?

I spit in your beet shit!

[Spits]

Well, [inaudible] do it also!

I spit again in your beet shit! [Spits]

Hey!

I want to get me some of that spit in there, too.

[Speaking spanish] beet shit! [Spits]

No way.

I've been working here four years.

I'm going to spit in this shit.

Oh, what is happening here?

Wait.

No.

[Inaudible].

Wait.

Everybody, please stop.

Wait!

[Gunshot]

[Commotion]

When a Russian spits in his borscht, it is still borscht.

When an American spits in it, it is [inaudible].

I quit!

Dasvidanya, douchebag.

MAN: Come back, [inaudible].

I quit!

You hear it?

I quit!

I don't need this.

I am big-time chef.

I could work anywhere.

I don't need it.

This is [inaudible].

You are table 11.

Excuse me, table 11.

But I have been hearing you in the kitchen all day,

Breaking my Russian back.

[Inaudible]

[Inaudible]

Here's your borscht.

It tastes like beet shit to me.

It sure beats the shit out of me, too.

[Inaudible].

It's my [inaudible].

It's my [inaudible].

It is [inaudible].

Get away from me. [Inaudible].

Don't worry.

Moe can [inaudible].

We'll find someone else later.

Excuse me, miss.

I had a reservation here some 20 minutes ago.

What's going on here?

I'm really sorry, sir.

But we're having a small problem in the kitchen.

I'll seat you as soon as I can. Lindsay.

Lindsay.

There's a gas leak in the kitchen.

Oh my god. Did you call the gas man?

He can't be here for another hour. [Inaudible]

Do something with it now.

I don't know.

Do something with the [inaudible].

Ah!

[Inaudible].

Moe, [inaudible], damnit.

I'm running 20 minutes late on the [inaudible].

Lindsay, I'm doing the best I can.

Damnit, there's something wrong with that girl.

[Inaudible] in here.

And you... you break one more plate,

And I'm going to cut off those [inaudible]

Little fingers of yours.

Well, I reckon [inaudible] singing a different tune.

Hey, get back to work.

[Inaudible].

We want food.

We want food.

We want food.

We want food.

The best damn Chicken Kiev I've ever seen.

The fuck?

There's something moving in here.

[Inaudible]

The damn shit's alive! Help!

Help!

It's got me! [Inaudible].

Sugar?

[Inaudible].

Everybody, clear out of the kitchen. [Inaudible].

Hurry up.

Oh, no.

Oh, shoot. Please.

Help.

Help me, guys.

Help me, [inaudible].

Run.

Go get help.

We want food.

We want food.

We want food.

[Inaudible].

This is [inaudible] not my job.

Hey, Elsa.

Would you cover that new girl's station?

I just let her go. I can't.

I'm already covering Barbara's station.

Where the hell is Barbara?

She's at the gynecologist.

She had her fitting today.

And Irene's gone, of course.

Well, my father's coming in tonight with a bunch

Of important clients.

At least nothing else can go wrong.

[Explosion]

[Glass shattering]

[Inaudible].

[Speaking spanish]

What are you saying?

What are you trying to say?

Ms. Cavendish.

I'm going to sue your [inaudible].

When I finish with you, I'm going [inaudible] restaurant

[Inaudible].

Here's your chicken Kiev.

And here's your utensils and bread.

[Commotion]

[Inaudible].

What the hell are you doing?

Lindsay told me to serve the rolls.

Ah, [inaudible].

Have a piece of chicken.

Well, that about does it.

If you read it for George at the audition the way

You just read it for me, you're a shoe-in.

Believe me, after 35 years, I know

What he needs in a Joan of Arc.

Mrs. Bellman, how can I thank you?

Oh, it's a pleasure.

Besides, you remind me of myself at your age.

Now, Laura Ball reminds me of myself at... my age.

[Inaudible]

Thank you.

Ms. Watson, let me speak to my father.

Hey.

When he comes on, tell him I say hi.

Jerry!

Uh, uh, Dad?

I just want to say that, uh, Jerry says hello.

Uh, well, that's nice, sweetheart.

Yes. Goodbye.

Who?

I was a creep.

I mean, how were you supposed to know about Mrs. Margolis?

Gosh. I thought you'd never come back.

Are you kidding me?

This place is my career.

It's my baby.

It's everything.

So let's get to work, all right?

Wait a second.

Uh, there's a couple of small problems in there.

Hey, nothing we can't handle, right?

Oh, you redecorated.

It looks... ahh!

[Gasping]

Jerry?

Jerry, are you OK?

Look.

I tried my best.

Frankly, Lindsay, I don't give a damn.

Let's get this place cleaned up.

Come on. Hey.

Hey. What do you say?

Hey.

MAN: Raise the chandelier a little.

[Inaudible].

We've got the place ready to go, except I

Can't find anyone to cook.

Oh, plus we're still down a girl.

Well, that's one problem you can scratch.

Andrea!

What about your audition?

I waited in Bellman's office for an hour and a half,

And that gorilla he calls a receptionist told me

It was going to be a no-show.

Don't you think you ought to get on the phone

And do something about it?

There's one down the street.

While I was there, I began to think that I

Was chasing a pipe dream.

Waitresses just don't become Broadway stars overnight.

But you're not a waitress.

You and Joan quit, remember?

Yeah?

Who'd you get to replace me?

Come on.

I can get 100 girls by tonight.

100 part-time space cadets who won't help you

Get out of this jam. Look.

Don't you start worrying about my job.

You worry about Joan of Arc.

And to tell you the truth, I'm more

Concerned about getting a chef.

Wait a minute.

I've got this great idea.

I'll be right back.

Hey.

Where do you think you're going? Trust me.

And if I'm not back here by the time my father gets here,

Well, just tell him, uh, it's all my fault.

Lindsay, wait.

I need you!

I need Lindsay?

Oh, God.

I am in trouble.

Looks like you're stuck with me.

Punch in!

(SINGING) Everybody's been talking loud, and they're all

Hanging out [inaudible].

Right this way Mr. Cabbagemis... uh, Mr. Cavendish.

This way, Fred... table 11.

Bill?

MAN: [inaudible], we're going to have a great time tonight.

Fred, Ethel, when you taste the food here, I know [inaudible].

[Laugh]

Mr. Cavendish, our chef is giving your order

His personal attention.

Well, uh.

Good things take time.

So they do.

(SINGING) Dancing up a one-way street.

[Inaudible] come down on Russell Street, and knows

How to make me feel so sweet.

You and me gonna pick the beat, and we're all gonna

Dance up a one-way street.

Lindsay, I'm going to kill you.

Hello aluminum siding.

Relax.

She just called and said she was on her way.

Oh, is that all she said?

Great.

No, that's not all she said.

She said to trust her.

Trust her?

I'm going to kill her.

(SINGING) Dancing up a one-way street.

Dancing up a on-way.

I don't understand.

This is our flagship restaurant.

This has never happened before, and it won't happen again.

Young man, I had my secretary call you this afternoon to make

Sure everything was all right.

Well, I know you did, sir.

Look.

I've got something to tell you.

Yes?

See, I was relying...

Relying on the old adage where the customer

Will forgive anything as long as the food is good?

Well, if you'll please forgive two more minutes.

Oh, Lindsay.

Just... just two minutes, OK?

[Inaudible].

Two minutes.

I'm going to kill you.

I'm really going to kill you this time.

[Farting noise]

Mrs. Margolis?

Oh, please don't be mad at me, Jerry.

Or should I call you Mr. [inaudible] now?

Well, don't you dare call me that.

And how could I be mad at you when you're saving my life?

She made me do it.

I didn't think I could do it anymore,

But she gave me courage.

Wait a mintue.

What about your allergy to Teflon?

I got shot.

Well, let's not stand around here

Sending each other valentines.

We've got meals to prepare.

For once, she's right.

Dr. Margolis... Cucumber Margolis.

[Farting noise]

The whole thing is beautiful.

[Inaudible]

Fantastic.

Mmm.

So, how is everything, sir?

[Inaudible].

Why, this duck is magnificent.

You know, but I... I [inaudible] had it before, a long time ago.

Oh, well I doubt that.

It's called Duck Margolis.

It's a very...

Duck Margolis?

Not the Madame Margolis?

Why, yes.

Do you know her?

Know her?

Why, we went to cooking school together.

She helped me pass my duck stuffing

Class at the Cordon Bleu.

You went to cooking school?

Well of course I did.

I may be wearing a three-piece suit now,

But I wasn't when I started.

Just think.

Madame Margolis in my own kitchen.

[Inaudible]

Oh, the Cordon Bleu.

"How I found My Man in New York City."

Jennifer's article.

MRS. BELLMAN: Why couldn't you wait?

Mrs. Bellman.

Why couldn't you wait?

Everybody in show businesses is late for appointments.

How could you do this to me?

How could you spoil our career?

Hey.

Don't look at me.

I had nothing to do with it.

[Inaudible], will you please stop acting

Like it's the end of the world?

I'll call your husband tomorrow and reschedule the audition.

You little fools.

Don't you know that he is planning

To sign a length of the play contract with Laura Ball?

It's still not the end of the world.

Now, I may have lost the man I love.

Now, that's serious.

She's behaving like a real Joan of Arc.

Look. What about after dinner?

Can you get your husband to come here for a drink?

Impossible.

He's so furious at you, nothing could

Get him to set foot in this place

Short of holding a gun to his head.

- OK. - OK what?

We hold a gun to his head.

Now Jerry, I...

Hush.

Jennifer, [inaudible].

ANDREA: Now, Jerry...

Hush.

Now, look.

Mrs. Bellman, if you can get your husband

To come by here after dinner, just walk by with his party.

Well, I suppose so, but what's the point?

Jerry [inaudible] to the rescue, part two.

Look.

You know the alley between the two buildings, here?

Yeah.

Hey.

Hey, man.

Will you get out of here?

Jeez.

How can you go out of the house with a run in your stocking,

For crying out loud?

Aww, shit.

That's what I get for buying them at a supermarket.

You don't buy the good kinds with those panel things

In the supermarket, if that's the one.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

That stuff with the cotton panels.

Yeah.

Yeah, you know, I bought that stuff one time.

It made my face break out. Oh, jeez.

That's [inaudible]. [interposing voices]

Ah, [inaudible]! Get outta here.

This is my territory.

Your territory?

Listen, bub.

I happen to be the manager of this here... [laugh] Hey.

You're really a mugger, aren't you, huh?

I mean, you're a real, real mugger?

- Yeah. - Wow.

That's really an ironic story, because my girlfriend has been

Trying to get an audition from this... this... this... this...

Producer for a long time.

And right now, he's down the street

With these wealthy investor friends of his.

Hey, hey, hey. Really wealthy?

Yeah, yeah. But that's not the point.

See, anyway, they're going to be coming

Down here, and I [inaudible].

Ahh.

Oh, Andrea.

I'll take care of the investors for ya.

[Laugh] Now you're manager of the trash can.

Yohoo, Jerry, I'm here.

You are?

Hurry up.

They'll be here any minute.

Oh!

Oh!

Where's the cash?

Oh, that's right.

Jerry [inaudible].

I love it.

I mean, it'll look more authentic.

[Inaudible] directing Laura Ball.

Ahh!

Ahh! All right.

Everybody in here right away, or the lady's

Going to be picking lead out of her head!

All of you all, [inaudible].

Come on.

Move.

You too.

Start taking out the cash... jewelry,

Watches, but no personal checks.

Halt!

[Inaudible]

You have your own home, your own land across the sea.

Why does thou take what does not belong to thee?

I'm warning ya, don't come any closer.

I don't want to hurt no lady.

[Inaudible].

Chivalry is for my womanhood.

I ask no quarter.

Huh.

Don't flatter yourself, lady.

I wouldn't give more than a dime.

I'm not kidding.

I will shoot.

Andrea.

Oh.

[Inaudible] fool.

Does thou think that I have come thus far to be

Frightened by a bit of steel?

There is a fire inside me [inaudible]

Burn to [inaudible], to be free, to make my own decisions,

To earn my success without prejudice,

And to pay for my [inaudible] without complaint... to fight

And [inaudible] to risk all for love.

All right.

[Inaudible]

Well, how was I?

Brilliant!

Brilliant!

[Inaudible]

[Inaudible].

MAN: Hey.

Hey.

[Inaudible]

But it was just another [inaudible].

But Mr. Bellman, I had to.

Oh, come on, George, admit it.

She was great.

Well, I wouldn't say she was great.

Alfred wants to put his money on that girl as Joan.

But she was damn good.

Hey, remember me, Mr. Crime in the Street?

Jerry, stop waving that thing.

Wasn't she wonderful?

What force, what energy, what intensity.

What did you think?

Oh, well, I found the performance

Initially claustrophobic.

But the overall aesthetic [inaudible]

Was very... what am I talking about?

Will you get up against [inaudible]?

Jerry, stop it.

We did the audition [inaudible].

Come on.

Don't you think you're overdoing it a bit?

I mean, I didn't feel your motivation.

I didn't believe you.

But this young lady was magnificent.

Never mind, Mel.

I've seen quite enough.

The role is yours.

Oh! [Inaudible].

Come on, everyone.

Let's go get a drink.

Alfred, Lydia?

Hey.

Here.

You take these.

Maybe you'll have better luck with them than I did.

I'll tell you what... I'm going back to being an agent,

Where at least you get respect for stealing.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

What?

Hey, come on.

Don't be sore, huh?

Hey.

Let me ask you a question, huh?

What?

You like stars, bright lights, fireworks?

Yeah.

Yeah, [inaudible].

Yeah, they are.

Because you're going to love this.

"The man I finally fell in love with turns out to be the old"

Fashioned type, but I believe he trusts

"Me as a person and respects me as a professional."

Mmm.

"And that makes me as liberated as any modern woman, whomever

And wherever she may be."

Hmm.

It's a pretty terrific article.

But, um, who's going to believe that ending?

[Inaudible].

Have you seen Andrea?

She's in the kitchen.

MRS. MAGOLIS: Just a little bit of licorice.

I have had as much fun since... well,

Since before my wife died.

[Laugh]

[Laugh] [inaudible].

[Farting noise]

Jerry.

Congratulations, Andrea.

So why aren't you out there celebrating with?

Bellman

Can't.

Until I punch out, I'm still your waitress.

I guess you finally got everything you want, huh?

No, not everything.

I still don't have you.

Look.

You coming over to my place after work?

No.

Great.

Our place.

I love you.

I love you, too.

[Clears throat] And speaking of places, you've done

A hell of a with this one.

So?

I've been looking for some space at the theater

District for a new restaurant, which

I think I'll call Jerry's.

[Fart noise]

Jerry!

[Inaudible].

Your own restaurant!

[Gagging]