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TOT� AND THE KINGS OF ROME

Morning, Cavaliere. - Hello, dear.

Morning, Accountant. - Morning. - My respects, Doctor. - Hello.

Well?

Here I am. - So, what do you want?

I'm waiting. - For what?

I'm waiting for a greeting from a subordinate

owed to an employee from group C.

I say, an employee with a steady position in group C!

And that's why, I demand.. - "Demand" me?

Such familiarity! When you speak to me, you must call me "Cavaliere"!

They made you Cavaliere? - Three days ago. You have a problem with that?

No. Sorry.

Cavaliere.

An usher gets to become a Cavaliere.

For 15 years I've applied for that!

It makes you want to become a leftist!

Let me remind you, the boss called. - Yeah, alright.

Hello, Cavaliere. - Hi, dear.

Doctor, my respects. - Hello.

Bastard!

Son of a bitch!

Justice!

Then they say: "See that guy? - Well?"

"He turned into a leftist!" I bet!

No wonder!

Cavaliere...

Patience.

Cavaliere...

Record number...

Today too they swindled me. They even ate up my cheese!

Alright.

Oh, yeah? Now, it's up to me!

We need some poison gas!

Asphyxiating gas!

And for the "Cavaliere", some asphyxiating gas would be good too.

What injustice!

What's going on? Pappalardo!

Are you crazy? - It's poison gas for the mice.

You see, if I didn't bother to demousify the place,

the State would never do it. - Must you always do crap like this?

Knock it off with this stink!

You're completely unbearable! - It's one of the best poison gases.

Look at all this! - Don't touch the trap!

Look where I have to spend my youth!

In this cell, for the ridiculous amount of 30,000 a month.

She's here! - She's coming!

Who? - Corradini!

Corradini? Excuse me!

What a babe!

Who's she? I've never seen her before. - That's Corradini!

The new secretary of His Excellency, Langherozzi-Schianchi.

Is that so? Well, no wonder one leans to the left!

Oh, God! Help! I'm falling!

Ouch! - Lean here.

Is it serious this time? - Yes, I've dislocated bones.

Then I had a sort of heart attack.

I can't endure certain feelings.

It's your age, dear Pappalardo. - His heart! His heart!

Just like Filippini. - By the way, how's the poor Filippini doing?

Very poorly. He was supposed to return to the office this morning, but..

he had a relapse. - Poor Filippini!

Certainly, Filippini's death would leave us with a great void.

A great void! - A great void, because Filippini's salary..

Just check this out. - Over here..

Since Filippini's salary is 41,339 lire a month,

this could result in one of two ways. - Which one?

Either a raise of 2,000 a month or

all of us, dividing among ourselves the poor Filippini's work..

One moment, if Filippini's constitution bounces back..

What bouncing back? - It's not possible.

If he bounces back, we'll have to wait five years for a raise.

Do you understand? - Five years!

Health, promotions, raises..

I'm afraid he brings bad luck!

What is it? What happened? Why the party? Why so happy?

He won the lottery! - Who? Him?

He got all three numbers! - You?

You won the lottery?

Look, Cavaliere: 90-12-71 in Bari.

45,000 lire! - 45,000 lire?

You won 45,000 lire? - That's right.

Fine. And at your age!

I dreamt them while sleeping standing up.

Standing up? - Yes, just like a horse.

45,000 lire! - In Bari.. three numbers in a row!

On your first try? - Yes. - You guessed and "ta-dah"?

Ta-dah! - 45,000 lire.

Exactly 45,000 lire. - And so young?

What does age have to do with it? - Oh, no. Oh, no!

I've been playing for 20 years! I never won!

Where will we end up?

May I? - Enter.

My respects, Cavaliere. - Who? Oh, yeah, sure, respects...

Pappalardo, you're in another fine mess with His Excellency.

Langherozzi-Schianchi? - Yes. - What happened? - Yes, the Director.

He's screaming like a banshee. We can't find the file 48O b71, 72, don't know...

Do you eat files? - It's not me who eats them.

Who eats them? - The rats.. the mice.. the rodents.

I've been saying it for a year. - Did you say rats?

Mice, rodents. Rodents: it's written on the box of poison.

Rodents.. "Sewer animals" - Animals? - From the sewer.

They're here for that! - Seven letters, the word I wanted.

"Rodents." - When looking for a word, that's what you do?

"Rodents."

"Penicillin" goes here. Come in! - Cavaliere.

His Excellency awaits you in the other room with.. that one

His Excellency. - Cavaliere, say something in my favor.

Don't worry. - Please, I've a large family, five daughters.

Don't worry. - I've been expecting that seniority raise. - Leave it to me.

You only lost one file, what's the big deal? - One file!

Let's not go overboard. - I don't have to worry? - No.

I'll stick up for you. - Whatever you need, just ask.

I've found you a seven-letter word! - Trust me.

If you need a word of eight, ten, fifteen letters..

It's absolutely inconceivable!

But you.. - Enough! Keep quiet.

Look at him. He's mortified!

The loss of a single record undermines the integrity of the Ministry.

Isn't that right, your Grace? - It is. - Thank you.

But if they ate.. - Silence!

Silence! - Silence!

I already said that. - I'm repeating it, in case he didn't hear. Silence!

The record that has been lost concerns me, especially

because it concerns a fellow citizen. It puts my reputation at risk.

With the upcoming election, this may have bad consequences for me..

at the voting booth.

I want this matter to be taken care of immediately.

It will be, Excellency.

It will be.. - Excellency! - Yes.

Miss, have Mr. Palocco come in.

May I? - Come in.

May I enter? - Yes.

My greetings to His Excellency, "Well begun is half won."

Excuse me.

I'm extremely happy to see you. Thanks so much for this.

Excellency, I bring greetings from all the citizens of Prato Basso.

From my peers, the instructors at the elementary school,

and from the band in which I play saxophone. - Thanks.

The saxophone. I play the saxophone. - The saxophone: po, po, po..

No, that's the clarinet, the saxophone goes: pum, pum, pum..

It takes a lot of breath to play it. - Pum! Ding-a-ling!

I've received your letter, very nice. - Thank you.

The file lost in this Ministry is file 48O b 61.

Yes, Excellency, for two years this file couldn't be found.

The mayor said it must be found! The mayor's my relative.

A fraternal uncle on my dear mother's side. A fraternal uncle.

A "farternal" uncle on his mother's side. - A "farternal" uncle?

The uncle is "farternal". - Yes, fraternal. - What are you thinking?

Enough of this!

He said his uncle is eternally farting! - No, I said fraternal.

It was a mistake, let's move on! - My uncle, the fraternal one,

said that if you find it, in the election, Excellency,

all my little scholars from my school would vote for you, Excellency.

Thank you. Miss, get out, please.

Very good. Just say what you need to our head archivist.

Who's that? - Him. - You? - Yes.

I would've never guessed he was the head archivist. He doesn't look it.

I've ordered him to put himself at your disposal to solve this matter.

May I, Excellency? - What is it?

No, for heaven's sake..

No, no, no, not that..

Leave it, what are you doing? Leave the hat where it is.

But.. will everybody stand still for one moment!

You like? - No, thanks, dear. We can't accept it! - Excellency..

Thank you, very nice, but don't. - I insist.

A leg of lamb, a salami, two provolones and three cheeses.

Excuse me, Your Excellency, there were three cheeses!

Maybe you lost it. - One, two.. did I lose it?

One, two and three. - There all there.

See, there were three. - I see. - I was afraid for a second.

You may go. - Thank you, Excellency. - Thank you.

Go and work it out with them, just as I said.

Thanks a lot, Cavaliere! Luckily you said you'd help me!

What could I do? If I justified you, he would've gotten mad at me.

What matters is that we fix this Palocco affair.

We need to find that file. - I know.

Wait here, help him out. - Cavaliere, what can I do?

Cavaliere! - "What can I do?" After all, it's just one file, do something.

Don't stand there, stock-still. - Cavaliere! Cavaliere!

Mr. Archivist! Mr. Archivist! Here I am. You see me? - Yeah, I do.

You know that you're nice, Mr. Archivist? You really are! - Thank you.

My file is very important, you know.

It deals with the birthplace of Maestro Calogero Belloni.

Have you heard of him? - Not even once.

He's the greatest Maestro in the world. Glory and pride of our city, Prato Basso,

where he was born in 1875. - Exactly.

Now, Mr. Archivist, the mayor, my fraternal uncle.. - The "farternal"?

My fraternal uncle wants to transform Maestro Belloni's house

into a memorial museum. Isn't that fun? - Woo, hoo!

From slippers to glasses, everything is still intact,

as the Maestro left it, when he flew up into the sky, the pure soul!

We're missing the parrot. - What?

Maestro Belloni's parrot. - Is it dead? - No!

It's a living, fantastic parrot!

It can sing all the patriotic hymns and even parts of "Ermengarde".

Do you know parts of "Ermengarde"? It goes.. How does it go now?

One, two! Fantastic!

Now Maestro Belloni gave his parrot as a gift

to his niece, Ermelinda, who I remember well,

who gave it as a gift to the zoo in 1942.

Now we want to recover the parrot. It's ours,

it belongs to us, it belongs to the museum.

They must give it to us! - Watch that finger!

We must get that parrot! - You will!

A gorgeous parrot: white, red and green. Just fantastic!

Can I count on you? - You can.

Leave it to me! - Really? - Yes.

Thank you, Mr. Archivist. - Goodbye. - Thanks again.

File 48O, b 71. - I got it. - You want me to call you?

No need. - Shall I? - No.

I will. - Don't!

You'll remember - Don't call.

Thank you, Mr. Archivist. - God, don't call!

Oh, Mr. Archivist! - What is it?

In your memory: File 48O, b 71!

I got it! I got.. it.

Oops! - What is it, feeling ill? - No, dear Grifoni, it's nothing.

The heart's a little.. - Be careful, that can lead to heart attack.

Really? Thank you.

Thanks a bunch!

Well? What's going on here?

Good day, Sir. - The hell with "Good day"!

Where are we? - In your home. - And you dare?

But, we had agreed.. - Agreed on what? Bullcrap!

Young man, do you think I'd give my daughter to a guy like you?

In his shirt, no jacket and no job?

But Papa, he'll find some, he's young. - And jobless.

Just think, there are many people your age who are winning the Lottery!

Ever won the Lotto? - No.

See what I mean. Well then?

What plans do you have for the future?

What resources do you have? - You see, I came..

Put that hand down! I'll slap you silly! Go inside.

I'd come to talk this over with you..

I'm a very good mechanic.

I repair everything: lifts, radios, motorcycles..

Today, that's what matters in life.

You see, your daughter won't end up marrying a poor clerk.

A poor clerk? - Yes. - A poor clerk!

Young man!

Don't besmirch the utmost integrity of those who,

even the Minister, in his last speech,

called the structure of the country, the cement of the nation!

Go now. Get out! - But.. - Get out!

Papa..! - Get out! Get out!

Don't let me see you here again, understand?

And get yourself a diploma!

A degree! A job! An anything!

What's all this racket?

Nothing, we were just kissing. - "Nothing", you hear that?

This is the youth of today. A kiss? Nothing!

Good heavens! In Milan, a kiss is just a kiss!

What matters is to know where he had his hands. Where did he have them?

He had them in place, Mama, I saw it. - So then?

Here, take this. - He had them in place..

In the right place! Understand?

Yes, I understand, don't agitate yourself. Take your pill.

The doctor said you have a bad heart.. - I don't want to.

Just one. - Save it. Don't you know they cost 35 lire each?

Yes, but it's for your own good. Don't you see?

Don't you see?

Where are you?

Here, put this on the bed.

Are your hands clean? Hold it with two fingers like so.

Put it on the bed. Careful, it's an only child. Understand?

If my heart hurts, it's on account of these five poor daughters.

What would they do if I died?

I want to be an actress! - Me too, Papa! - Me, too.

Yeah! So we'll set up a fine kennel!

Yeah, but this is real life. The result is always the same, you can't go wrong!

A week before payday,

here we are seven people splitting a portion not big enough for two.

Papa, here's the egg. - I know, you're right.

But am I to blame?

Once, a state employee was an honorable person.

Once, he was respected...

And well paid. Wait your turn!

You begin.

But now our poverty is a punchline to a joke. Understand?

You, before dipping twice, wait until they give me a raise!

Papa, you always say that! - Yeah, and you never get it! - Silence!

That's the government's business!

Who could that be?

Holy Virgin, Mrs. Sconocchia!

Sconocchia? - Yes, I forgot I invited her for coffee.

What? Coffee? We haven't bought coffee in a year!

We'll do it the usual way, right? - Yes, we boil the soles.

Please, behave before Mrs. Sconocchia!

Get up! - A Sconocchia too! - You go make coffee!

And you prepare the leftovers box! - A Sconocchia too.

In this house, we're never ready when we receive visits.

Never ready, it's unheard of!

Coming, Ma'am! I'll be right there! Here I am.

Come in, make yourself at home!

Oh, no, I can't!

I just came to say bye because my train is leaving. - You're leaving?

Of course! Every year we go on vacation, near Naples.

And you, are you staying in Rome? - In Rome? Oh, no, Ma'am, it's too hot!

We too are leaving, but we like to go north,

where there are plenty of modern beaches.

Like Rapallo! - Ah, Rapallo!

Have a nice holiday too, Ma'am. Goodbye and be well.

Bon voyage! Would you like some coffee? - No, thanks. - Have a good time.

A vacation!

Well, the Sconocchia?

She's gone. - Thank goodness. - She's gone away.

Good. - But she's gone on vacation, understand? To the sea.

We have to go too! - Us? - Yes, us. - Are you crazy?

Why not? - We have no money.. - Never mind, never mind!

The Sconocchias go on holiday and the Pappalardos stay in Rome?

Pappalardos in Rome, so what? - We'll do like the other years.

As before? - Yes. - Oh no, oh no!

Let's not start! - Why? - Let's not start!

Don't yell, they'll hear you!

Cursed be the day! I should've done like Piromallo!

Come on, don't joke! - Joke? - Honey, what do you care?

Tomorrow, we'll pretend we're leaving and it'll be over with. - Again!

What? - Being locked up in a cafe all day?

We won't return until dark! - We'll be shut in the house for two weeks!

Shut up! - Enough! - Yes, enough!

Ercole, do me a favor, go undress. - Viva Piromallo! - No, be good!

If I weren't there! What's the big deal? It'll only be for two weeks!

If I weren't running the company! Making them appear as well-to-do girls!

Go to bed.

Where would they find a shadow of a husband? - I found one.

And he gave me an excellent recipe. - Is he a pharmacist?

What pharmacist? He's a Lottoist.

A Lottoist!

That's what we need: the Lotto! Hurry.

The truth is we don't have enough money to get through the end of the month.

Pipe down! Pipe down!

Greedy! Insatiable! - Now, I'm greedy?

You were very lucky to marry me! But you're always complaining.

You know I'm getting a promotion? - Why are you doing that?

This? No reason. I want to sleep like this tonight.

Sleep like that? - Yes.

Have you gone mad? - This is the dream recipe.

Holy Virgin! - I hope to dream of my witch of a mother-in-law.

I told her: "When you die come in my dream and give me the numbers."

She hasn't done it out of spite. - Now, dear, it's useless.

You always were a rube when it comes to your superstitions.

The devil take your "rubes"! Knock it off with the "rubes"!

If I'm a rube, then you're a boob!

Goodnight.

Hmm! A rube!

Ercole!

Ercolino! - Here I am!

Here I am! Here I am!

Damn! What's the rush!

Go slowly, don't fly. Slowly!

I'm tired and my bones hurt!

Sure, you stood like a stick the whole night!

Next time be reasonable and go to bed.

I blame my witch of a mother-in-law. She knows that we don't have a penny.

Even if she came to me in a dream and gave me the double, I'd be contented.

Take it easy! I wasted all night on my feet.

You think it's so easy for souls below to find triples, quadruples and doubles?

With a little goodwill they could!

Quadruples, sextuples.. - Yes! - Quintuples..

You're only making a racket!

Bon voyage! - Thanks. - We're off to Rapallo!

To Rapallo? - Rapallo! - Goodbye.

In San Giovanni there's a restaurant where we can wait until tonight.

We'll take the bus. eh? - Yes. Come on, girls, let's go.

You go ahead. - Hurry, come on!

Quiet, girls.

Come on.

Quietly. Go to bed and don't let anyone from the courtyard see you,

who may be passing under the windows. Come on, keep low!

You too, go on! - The stupid things I have to do!

Oh, God!

If those in the office saw me like this! You think this is right?

A serious father of a family... on all fours! But I say...

God, maybe they saw us! Quiet!

Pappalardo? Pappalardo? It's me, Petrucci.

Who's Petrucci? - It's... He lives in the house across the street.

Right now that I'm going to bed. - Go to bed, girls.

Pappalardo! Don't you hear me? It's Petrucci.

How are you? - A neighbor left the door open and I came in.

You weren't at the office today. Did you bring your family to the station?

Oh, yes! The family went away!

I brought them to the station and they left by train!

Then open up! Hurry! - I can't! I'm in my undies!

So, it's just me! Come on, open up! Pappalardo, I got a surprise for you!

I'm coming, here I am!

Sorry.

Here I am! I couldn't find the stairs.

How are you? Who's there? Oh, Lord!

Look, Bianchina, how funny! - He looks like a penguin!

Hey! See the surprise I brought you?

You can't enter. - Aren't you alone? - Yes, but.. you can't enter!

Look at the pretty girls I brought you!

We're gonna have a great night! - No, no.

Let's go outside. - In your undies? - No, I'm going to change.

Hurry then, you cute penguin! - Come with us to see the show.

Make it snappy! - I'm coming, I'm coming!

Oh, God! Too many emotions. I'm dying!

The show. Penguins at the show. Penguins all night.

Crazy stuff. - Crazy stuff, eh?

Where are you going? - You heard? - Yes.

I didn't let them in. - I bet! Your friends are pigs!

Is that how you spend your nights while I'm on vacation?

You're crazy! You never go on vacation! - And if I did go? What then?

You'd be morning to night with floozies!

Floozies! Like I know them! - Where are you going?

To a show, didn't you hear? Some boring play, a mystery.

"The Penguins". Like I care! - Ercolino!

What are you doing? - Admiring.

I'm not trying to compliment you, but I like you a lot! - I like you too.

You're Venetian, right? - Yes, why?

I did three years of military service in Cuneo. - What about Cuneo?

Cuneo, province of Verona. - What a character!

A character? Hey, Petru'! These girls don't know who we are.

We may be state employees, but

three years of military service in Cuneo have influenced my psyche.

You're a funny guy! - Hey! - What?

Aren't we in a theater?

It came from above, Excellency! It came from up above, I saw it.

Petru'! Petru'! - Eh?

An accident! - What?

I spat on His Excellency's head! - Who?

Langherozzi, our Director. - Are you sure?

It came from up above. I must find out who did it.

Oh, I'll find out alright!

It was you, was it?

You think you can fool me by hiding!

Oh, I saw you!

Excellency? - What is it now? - You want to know who did it?

You want to know? - Tell me. - My eagle eye spotted him.

He tried to hide, but I saw him. - Who?

Excellency, it's your employee. Your employee!

The Head Archivist, Excellency! - Where? - In the gallery.

Don't look, Excellency. I'll tell you when to look.

Just be normal, nonchalant. I'll tell you when.

When I say so, turn like lightning, Excellency.

Not yet. I'll tell you when, Excellency.

Like lightning, Excellency.

There!

Did you see him, Excellency? - No. - Shut up!

Please, I'm talking to His Excellency!

Did you see him, Excellency? - No. - You didn't?

Excellency, I said like lightning!

Petru'! Petru'! - Eh? - He saw me!

The parrot man recognized me!

Big deal! What's done is done.

No, I have to go apologize. I'll go down during intermission... Eh? Petru'!

Excuse me. Would the Contessa like anything to drink?

No thanks. - Excellency, would you like anything?

A coffee? - A coffee for the lady and I'll take an orange soda.

An orange soda for me too. - Thanks. - You're welcome.

Excellency, excuse me, I wanted to say.. - You again!

Please.. - What do you want?

My spit was an accident, believe me. - What spit?

Nothing.. - Before, I spat.. - Enough! I'd forgotten about it. - Let me speak.

Let me explain, Excellency. A wretch like me wouldn't..

Will you please, knock it off! - Yes, but I wanted to say.. to explain..

Excellency! Excellency!

Didn't you hear what his Excellency said?

Enough! And shame on you!

Well, did you apologize?

Why are you stuttering? Talk, go ahead!

Tre.. tre.. tre.. tre.. I'm trembling!

Want to drink something? - No drink.

I apologized, but he said that had for.. for.. forgotten everything.

Well then? - Ya.. ya.. ya.. ya.. you should've heard how he talked to me!

I'm trembling. He didn't give me a chance to respond. Ge.. ge.. get it?

Who? What happened? - I spat on His Excellency's head.

I spat on His Excellency's head! I spat on His Excellency's head!

Yes. Yes!

Right on the Director's head!

On the Director's head? Oh, Madonna!

Are you crazy? Yes, you're stark raving mad!

It's not my fault, but yours! - Yeah? - Yes, your fake departure yesterday.

I sweated, I got cold, and.. just on the head!

What a mess! Who would've thought!

Will you lose your job, Papa? - Silence! Silence!

The job, no, but the promotion, yes. And the title of Cavaliere, understand?

You're always getting into trouble!

So many heads to spit upon, and you had to choose the Director!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

The Director! And it's your fault, understand?

Because of your lying, I had to play the bachelor-husband.

But I did it for you! For the family, for your honor! Understand?

My honor! Don't you understand he's mad at me!

You think I wanted to spit on his head? - It doesn't matter.

I'll surely lose my job, the promotion, the raise,

and the honor of being Cavaliere! - That's all you care about! Cavaliere!

What are you doing? What are you doing like that?

Can't you see that I'm tanning? - I'll tan you!

This is a crazy house! Five daughters, what a disgrace!

Take this! What're you doing? Look at him! I knew he'd be there!

Get in! - Papa, he didn't know we left! - Get in here! What do you want?

Go away! You understand?

Good day, Cavaliere! - Good day. My daughter has parted!

Parted! With a "P"! As in Padua!

If you say so, Cavaliere.

Go away! Go away now! Go!

Goodbye, Cavaliere.

Go away or I'll start breaking heads!

Starting with yours! - Calm down!

You always make a big deal! My friends' parents don't act like this!

No, they don't do this! - They don't?

They let them go out at night. - How sweet!

Get going and fast!

You want a smack? Today's your lucky day!

Today's your lucky day!

Today!

Rascals! Delinquents!

Everything happens to me! Damn it!

Five frickin' daughters!

This is a disgrace. I don't feel well. - Ercole, what's the matter?

I'm too excited, my heart. - You need to calm down. Your heart!

You know you have palpitations! The doctor said you must rest.

You know your heart is weak. Listen to your dear Armida.

Take the paper and go to bed. Rest your poor bones.

Go and rest. - Yeah, and the office?

The office? Just make a call and it's done. It's easy.

You think so? - Yes. - A phone call? - Yes.

Maybe. Maybe, you're right.

Can you ca.. ca.. call? - You want me to. - Well..

Call them. - Don't you worry. You stay here and I'll go call.

Rascals!

Delinquents! Delinquents!

Five daughters, my heart..

Thank goodness! There's a strike, so you don't need an excuse.

No! They'll think I'm striking, I'm not a striker!

I don't want to be a striker! Do you understand?

You won't be so dumb to go, will you?

After yesterday's spitting, they'd think I'd be doing it on purpose.

No, I'm going. - Why does it matter?

You'll stick out like a sore thumb! - Yes, a sore thumb!

I want to be a sore thumb.

Thus I'll prove to His Excellency what kind of employee Ercole Pappalardo is:

an employee with integrity and not

a metaphorical railway worker, and much less a postal clerk.

Bravo! You're here too, eh? We're all here this morning!

Even the sick, the dying! You have the souls of slaves!

Instead of fighting the great battle of the "sliding scale", of health benefits,

the campaign for compensation,

you abandon the struggle! Scab!

Excuse me, it just occurred to me, why did you come?

I came to see who would come.

Well, I came to see who would come to see. There!

Besides, I have to be careful.

After what happened yesterday, I'm under a cloud.

Don't be silly, it was nothing. - I'm under a cloud!

Then later go and present your apologies to His Excellency and it'll all be over.

I'm under a cloud, I can't go to His Excellency.

His Excellency is a man of the world, an understanding man.

Go right away. - No, no, no!

Go right away! - I can't go.

It's a good time to go. Come, I'll walk you to the door.

I can't. - Move it. - No! No! No!- You must apologize.

Don't use violence! - Walk then. Come on.

No! No! No! - Go on, move it!

But I already apologized last night .

Last night at the theater was not the right moment.

Then there was that.. what's his name? - Bagalotto. Ba.. ba.. ba..

That's him. - I don't like him. - You mustn't be too ceremonious.

You must be polite, but quick. His Excellency can't waste any time.

He could get impatient. You need to say it in two words. Understand? Two words!

I understand.. - This is for you.

Cavaliere!

Ah, thank goodness! This took a weight off my mind. - What is it?

You know that parrot that sang opera? - Yeah. - It's dead.

He's dead? - Yes. The head of the zoo wrote me.

He was shot in the winter of '44.

The parrot was shot? - Yes, by partisans. Partisans.

"They came upon it singing Giovinezza at the top of its lungs."

He deserved it.

It was a nasty parrot!

Look, he's coming! Be careful, OK?

Friendly but firm. Try to minimize what happened.

Don't be afraid, he's a man like anyone else. - His Excellency!

Don't be afraid, go on. Yes, go, go, go!

Rest assured, Madam, I'll take care of it personally.

Everything will be set right. - How very kind of you. - It's nothing.

I'm very grateful, thank you. - You're welcome, Ma'am.

Excuse me, Excellency. - One moment! Can't you see I'm talking to the lady?

It's urgent. - Go ahead, please.

Please excuse me.

It's very urgent. I need to tell two very urgent things.

What? - First, regarding my spitting on your head.. - What? - On your head.

What is it? - That spit on your head

was from a sneeze that squirted out and landed there.

Now shut up! - It squirted.. - Go back to work..

What squirted out was a sneeze.

Deal with that parrot business! - That's the second thing.

You know that parrot? - Yes. - Nothing can be done. - Why?

The parrot.. was a fascist. You got that?

It'll just tell you this: try and find the parrot otherwise this'll end badly.

You understand? - But how.. - Enough of this!

Excuse me, but it was very urgent.

After you, Madame, please.

But.. it's your fault. - But you were so rough!

You said be quick, concise. I did that!

Yes, but with style.

Did you hear that jerk Langherozzi?

He didn't want to accept my apologies. Is it possible that a man, a poor man,

to lose his job because of a sneeze and be in danger of dying from starvation!

Damn it all!

It makes one want to lean to the left!

What are you doing? - Let me lean!

I'm leaning to the left. Voluntarily. - Listen up.

This is only a question of a parrot. - A parrot? - Yes, one that sings.

To His Excellency it's important. - Your nose! My ear!

His Excellency wants a parrot? Just find one and all is fixed.

But the parrot's dead. It was shot. - Then find him another one.

No one remembers what it looked like. - Only that it sings "Ermengarda".

Then, with a little patience, you could teach it. Why are they called parrots?

Because they repeat all that they hear. - That's right!

# If that warrior I were,

# what would I do, would I do, would I do? I don't know!

# Ah ha ha ha! I don't know! I don't know! I don't know!

# You don't know! You don't know! Ah, ha, ha, ha!

# I don't know! I don't know! I don't know! Oh, oh, oh!

# I don't know!

# If that warrior I were, were, were, were, were,

# what would I do, would I do, would I do? I don't know!

# If I were, were, were, were, dur.. were.. dur..

# If I were a dur, if a dur I were!

Damn it! It's all that son of a bitch, Langherozzi's fault.

Don't swear. Especially in front of the parrot! - You're right.

Yes, it's a proper young lady! It's a parrot!

A parrot! I told you this door must be closed!

I have to rely on a parrot. Rely on a parrot!

I don't understand it. - At my age, I need a parrot! At my age!

What are you saying?

What are you saying? What language are you speaking?

I'm speaking my language, my mother's language.

Your mother? Was she Korean?

Very funny! - Oh, I had to mention your mother!

There's a good one! - Hey, don't tick me off!

There's a good one! - Knock it off!

What a witch! What a witch! Go to your village!

Your mother! A pain in the ass when she was alive!

And now that she's dead, she's worse!

I just asked for one triple. Not a word! Nothing! Nothing!

I can't go on like this! - I pity you 'cause you're sick.

Disgusting bird! Ugly son of a parrot bitch, I'll kill you!

Really, Ercolino! Don't get so angry!

My heart. - You make me sick and you make yourself sick too.

If you go on like that, you'll get palpitations. - Pangs!

I'll get pangs too, you see..

I feel it... Look, take my advice... - It's intermittent.. - Yes, I know.

Intermittent! - Take my advice, or else you'll go crazy with that parrot!

Try to talk to it nicely, OK?

Besides, you Neapolitans are really good when you lay on the blarney!

The blarney? - Yes. Try it.

I guess I'll start blarneying. - There you go.

The blarney...

Alphonsino! Cuckoo!

Alphonsine! Coo! Eh?

Does baby want to sing daddy a widdle song?

Ooh! Ooh! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Look what Daddy's got! Close your eyes!

Open them. See this? Eh?

A carrot! You want a carrot? Eh?

Daddy'll give you a carrot and what will you do for daddy?

What does daddy get?

Dirty rascal. Dirty rascal!

Ignorant and rude!

To me! To me! You do such things?

Did you hear it? - What is it? - He gave me a raspberry.

That's not possible. - He gave me a raspberry!

But they don't do that. - They do. This one did it, I heard!

Don't get upset.. -This parrot lived with sailors. Dirty rascal!

To me! You take advantage because you're a parrot! - What are you doing?

To me! - Fratricide! No! - Let go of me!

It's only a parrot! Ercolino! - You'll see, this ain't over.

This ain't over. I'll get to the bottom of this! - Where are you going?

Ercole..!

Pappalardo gets to the bottom of things! Scoundrel!

It's because of that bastard Langherozzi!

Let me see your finger. - I'm going.

Where are you going? - To a funeral. - Whose funeral?

Filippini! - But no.. - All will be there, I have to go too.

Give me the hole! - Calm down, dear!

A pencil? - There it is.

What is it? Speak! - What do I do with the parrot?

Cook it! - The things you say!

It's perfect, look at it. Absolutely perfect. - No..

Far from perfect! I'm an expert!

Look well at the hip line, it's not soft, not full enough.

You understand? Trust in what I say.

Petrucci! - Huh? Ah!

By the way, how's it going with the parrot? - No good, it won't sing.

That's a problem.

Listen, I have an idea. Why don't you invite His Excellency to your house?

At my house? - Yes - Are you crazy? - No.

Nah! - But no.. - Nah! Nah! Nah! - Listen to me.

Don't you know that His Excellency likes to see how his employees live?

He wants to show he's democratic. You could give him a nice reception.

I wouldn't know how.. - There's me, don't worry.

But the parrot won't sing. - Tell him he's forgotten the opera.

A lot of time passed. He's interested in the parrot, even if it won't sing.

At an opportune moment, you can apologize for the spit.

And you'll see, he'll forgive you. - Really? - Yes.

Excuse me, Cavaliere Capasso.. - Who's that? - Our boss,

the crosswords freak. - He wants to know what is called

the one who carries a hearse. - Gravedigger.

No, he said it has ten letters. - Ten?

Mortician. - No, it must end with an "r".

"R"? Cadaver. - No way, cadaver! - That one's already there.

Good day, Mr. Pappalardo. How are you? - Fine. What are you doing?

I'm making a few calculations. - Numbers? Triples, quadruples..

Maybe even a good double! - You're talking about the Lotto.

Not this morning. - You're not? - No.

You'll let this chance pass by? Nuts!

A beautiful funeral, a nice corpse of 63 years. 63!

People crying, mourning, misfortune..

If you want to be part of my family, you need to work.

I know, but I was calculating how much a funeral like this would cost.

How much could it cost? - At least 50,000 lire. - 50,000 lire?

Are you crazy? - No.

An inky dinky funeral like this costs 50,000 lire?

You can't even die. Before you can die, you need to save.

50,000 lire? Jesus!

It makes one want to lean to the left!

Listen, Cavaliere, only the undertaker..

Who? - The undertaker, the one who carries the hearse.

Then he's called an undertaker? - Yes.

Excuse me. - Go ahead.

Cavaliere! Cavaliere! - Huh?

You need the name of one who carries the hearse?

Undertaker. - Taker? - Un-der-ta-ker.

Ah, undertaker!

It's been an hour.. - I've told you many times,

whenever you need hard words, call me. Call me.

I can give you ten, fifteen.. even twenty!

Yeah!

Here's Bari and this one's.. - Foggia. Foggia.

But there's an empty space. - Between Bari and Foggia?

Cavaliere, I was thinking the same thing. - You too? - I mean the empty space.

Filippini's death has left an empty space both moral and material.

The first, unfortunately, cannot be filled, but the second one can be easily.

I've studied the situation well and this is my plan.

First the promotion of Anselmi in Borgati's position. - In my position?

What about me? - You'll take Giuffr�'s place. It's clear.

Wait, I should get Borgati's position! - Don't get angry,

he won't be there long. - What do you mean? - You'll get Pandolfi's position.

What about me?

Cookies, second hand. - Second hand?

They're cheaper, a bit stale.

My hat. Put it on the hanger.

Be careful! It's an only child!

Have we found music? - Yes, but it wasn't easy.

Because of this "Erdmengarda". - "Erdemengarda"! "Erdemengarda"!

No one knew about it! I had to work hard! - I can imagine.

I hope you'll round up the price to 2500 lire.

You must be crazy! You must be crazy!

This reception already cost me a fortune!

We'll need something majestic, something that.. but... but..

Is he part of the band? - Yes. - A maverick.

Something nice, like the one that goes..

No, by God, I'm confused!

Well then, is everything ready? - Don't worry, I'll take care of it.

You'll take care of it? Well,.. come with me.

Wait in that room in the back.

That room.

Don't be seen. At my signal, begin with a symphony.

When I do this, start the symphony. Then pause for a moment.

After the pause begin the "Erdemengarda". - OK.

Excuse me.

Mrs. Armida! Mrs. Armida!

Oh, what a moron! What do you want?

You said sugar and what else? - Cinnamon! Cinnamon!

That one is an idiot! - Calm down! What's the matter?

That one is a ding-dong! - Who? - Cosimo. - Forget him.

Good! Make yourself pretty because I've a nice surprise. - What is it?

I invited a certain young man.. - Giorgio!

Papa, you're an angel! - No, not Giorgio!

I don't ever want to see him again, got it? He's rude and a riff-raff!

And I don't ever want to see any idiot that you'd like!

But you don't know him! He's educated, very refined and has tons of charm.

Good day! - Hey! Good day! Hi! - How are you?

And this, Petrucci. My wife.

It's a pleasure and welcome back from your vacation. - Thank you!

So, you are Petrucci, eh? - Yes. - I'm so very, very thrilled!

I have a few things that I'd like to say to you. - To me? - Yes.

Like "How are you?" and "Nice to meet you!"

I can't wait to say them to you! - Later, later.

Pay her no mind, she's crazy. - And the parrot? - Here it is.

Did you have any luck? - This animal won't speak.

Parrots learn things and repeat them but not this one. It's nuts!

I've repeated a million times and squat.

I'd choke it if it weren't for that son-of-a bitch Langherozzi!

If it won't say anything, we'll see what we can do.

Did you get musicians? - They're inside.

There's even one with a beard. - Nice.

This must be a classy reception. I know about these things.

Go change now, you look like a chicken thief. - Chicken thief!

Young man, this is English made. - English made? It's gross, it sucks!

I brought you a suit of mine. And this furniture is just horrible!

Now you must be kidding. This furniture is from before the war!

Which war? The one in Libya?

Petrucci, they don't make furniture like this anymore. - No, they don't.

Here, I brought a radio from my apartment and a statuette.

Nice. - Now, go and change. - Yes, I will. - Go.

Alright then, I'll put the radio.. the radio here.

By the way, Ma'am, who'll be serving the tea? - The tea?

Umm, my daughters, there's five of.. - Oh, my God! For heaven's sake!

His Excellency can't just be received like anybody!

You need a person to serve and announce him!

Nice! Announce him? - Exactly! - Exactly.

Well.. who could do it?

Hey you! Who are you?

Me? I don't know. - "I don't know"? Who are you?

He's the deli boy!

Are you busy right now? - Ah, yes.. ah, no, no.

Are you busy or not? - I have to bring the cinnamon.

The Cinnamon! Please. - Listen here.

When the bell rings, you go and open it and introduce the guests,

and bowing, announce who they are. Got it?

No.

When the bell rings.. - It's ringing! - No, not now.

Later. When the bell rings, you open it,

introduce the guests and bowing, announce who they are.

I don't know them! - We'll tell you the names! Where did you find this one?

He's Cosimo! - What Cosimo? He's an idiot!

Are you Miss Ines? - Yes, that's me.

Then, I would..

to tell you.. in short, you see.. - Excuse me, who are you?

Me? - Yes, you.

I'm the Archangel Gabriel.

So it seems!

I took the liberty to bring you these flowers.

And this triple:

9, 26, 57. For the Genoa draw.

Really? - Nice! Nice.

You see? Look at this! Aren't these nice gifts? Aren't they?

A pretty bouquet of flowers and a triple! For the Genoa draw, right?

See, Ines, young men like this. They're full of life.

Full of intelligence and hard working. And always with a triple in their pockets.

Not like today's young people, dedicated to soccer bets. Right?

Ines, put the flowers in a vase.

Whatever!

You're driving me bonkers! - You were a big hit.

I've explained it to you 20 times, moron!

Don't you understand that you have to play the butler?

You know what a butler is? This one's worse than the parrot.

Give me the name of the guests, I need to teach it to him.

The only one that counts is that son of a bitch, Langherozzi.

Langherozzi-Schianchi.

It's him! His Excellency! - Let's get ready!

An Excellency in my house! One doesn't live by bread alone!

An Excellency! - Go open the door!

Go, don't make him wait! - Papa, the parrot!

The parrot! The parrot! - Everyone, to your places!

Hey, parrot, here comes His Excellency, Langherozzi-Schianchi!

That son of a bitch, Langherozzi-Schianchi.

Come on! Come on! - To your places, guys!

Decorum! - Yes. Yes.

Cosimo!

Well? Let him in.

I'm scared!

Are you crazy? - You want to ruin me!

Jerk! Decorum.

Hush, here he is.

His Majesty, Pestarozzi-Hanky.

A one and a two..

Hello! - Giorgio!

Everybody stop! Why are you here? - I was invited.

By whom? - By me!

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Stop the music!

Stop the music! Stop the music!

Why? You took out your handkerchief. - Yes, but that doesn't count!

Let's start again. Let's start again!

You, get out! Get out!

If this one's not going, neither am I!

He's right! - Shut up! - He's right! - Shut up!

Silence! Silence!

Ercoli'! - Talk to me!

It's him! - It is? It's His Excellency!

When that son of a bitch, Langherozzi is gone, you'll have to answer to me!

Answer to me! - Calm down!

Moron, it's not "His Majesty" but "His Excellency"!

And not "Pestarozzi", but Langherozzi-Pestacalli!

No, Schianchi. - "Fleeanchi".. Flee! You flee and go!

Later, you'll answer to me! Later, you'll answer to me!

Everyone to their places! Your places!

His Eminence, "Hackerozzi-Stanki"!

What did he say? - Excuse him, he's overwhelmed with joy.

Thank you! Thank you. - To your complacence. - Thanks.

Please, Excellency, come in. - Thanks. - You're welcome.

This is my wife. His Excellency Langherozzi.

My pleasure, ma'am. - Charmed!

The penultimate, the fifth. The second and third, Excellency.

This is my first born. This is she. - What a pleasure!

Nice. Very nice.

Sir, the Cavaliere forgot me: this young lady's boyfriend. - A pleasure.

No, I'm her boyfriend. - Not true! - No, no, no! One moment.

There's a misunderstanding, Excellency.

Each of them aspire to be my daughter's boyfriend.

Ah, I didn't understand. - Come this way.

Please, sit down. - Thank you.

Thank you. - I'll sit beside you. - Thank you.

Watch out! My hat! You were about to sit on my hat. A little understanding!

Pardon me. - It's nothing.

I wanted to say that I willingly make these visits.

I like to see how our employees live. You can learn a lot from how they live.

His capacity for the job, his intelligence.. - So true.

An interesting reflection, Excellency. - Mr. Archivist!

What about the file? Next week I have to go back.

It's test time in the elementary schools. - Of course.

On this matter, I have invited His Excellency to give him a..

a ni.. ni.. nice surprise!

What are you doing? - I didn't do it on purpose!

Use a handkerchief. - I can't. - Why?

I can't!

Boys, it was a mistake!

Stop the music! Stop! - The music..

Excellency! - Look at this mess! - I beg your pardon.

Don't touch me! - May I, Sir?

Yes, dear. Don't touch me!

I wanted to apologize, for what happened the other night at the theater.

It wasn't spitting.. - This again?

It wasn't spitting? Hark at Mr. Archivist, Excellency!

It was just.. an itty bitty spit.. - Can we be done with this?

Right. - I agree. - His Excellency is right.

He's right, let's not mention it again.

Let's talk about the parrot. - The parrot! Did you find it?

Yes, but there's a problem. - A problem?

These have been stormy years: war, the Germans, the atomic bomb.

The poor sweet thing suffers from amnesia.

Amnesia! In what sense?

He won't sing. - Never? - We can't say never.

The other day we turned around to see if he would sing with our backs turned.

Did he sing then? - No, mute as a fish.

Mute as a fish! - It was probably a nervous shock.

I understand your pain, dear Palocco.

But what's important is finding the Maestro's parrot.

Oh, my soul in his heart!

What? - I said, "My soul in his heart!" - That's what he said.

I'm convinced that both the mayor and the citizens of Prato Basso

will be very grateful for having obeyed their wishes.

Isn't that true?

What is it? - Exactly. Exactly.

Incomparable, Your Excellency. - What?

"Incomparable, Your Excellency".

Where is the parrot? - Incompar.. in uh.. in there.

Can we see it? - May one? - You want to see it? - May one?

You want to see it? - Yes. - Let's go then. Unless it's singing, eh?

Come this way. Here he is.

Here he is! - At last, I find you! How cute!

What a beautiful creature! - A fine specimen.

He won't talk, Mr. Archivist?

Come on, say something for the nice gentlemen!

Come, sweetie, say something nice to the Maestro. - Let's see if it'll talk.

Son of a bitch, Langherozzi! - What!

That son of a bitch, Langherozzi!

This is what you taught him! - No, Excellency, word of honor.

You think I'd teach it to say, "That son of a bitch, Langherozzi"?

Fine example for the citizens of Prato Asso! - Prato Basso.

Fine electoral propaganda! - Excellency, it was a misunderstanding.

What misunderstanding! - I saw it myself, Excellency!

That son of a bitch, Langherozzi! - Enough!

Want a drink, Cavaliere? - No, it's too strong. - Let him breathe!

Calm down. - Cavaliere, it's not serious.

Did you hear what His Excellency said? - Yes, but..

He will make me pay for it dearly! - Oh, no!

You shut up! Shut up!

For you everything is easy. You see what happened because of you?

Nothing serious happened but you mustn't speak to His Excellency anymore.

Every time you talk to him, something happens. Write him a nice letter.

A letter? - Yes, noble, dignified. Understand?

You have lovely handwriting. - Good idea.

Shall I do it in uppercase or Gothic? - It's doesn't matter.

You have to move him! Tell him your reasons, right?

Explain the mistake but without servility, with dignity.

And with decorum.

I know you can do it, darling! Come on, kids.

With dignity, with decorum.

To..

His.. Excellency.

With two "Cs".

Hackerozzi..

No! Langherozzi.

Come in. - May I?

"It rises in the morning." - Morning, Cavaliere. - Who is it?

Very nice, Pappalardo, very nice. Another problem.

Another problem? - Another problem!

Every time I come, there's a problem. - Why did you write this letter? Why?

Which letter? - This one. Eh?

I wrote it. - You got yourself in a fine mess.

It was just an explanation. - Oh, yeah? - An incident that happened between us:

Hackerozzis, parrots, spit.. - Really?

You opened a can of worms. Did you read this letter? - No.

You sent it without reading it? - Yes.

You should have read it. It should've never been sent!

This is not a letter! - Then what is it?

It's an accumulation, a mass, a garbage heap of donkey crap!

Misspellings, no periods, no commas.. - Eh! Eh! Eh!

Hey, Cavaliere! Cavaliere! - What?

What's the big deal? I probably missed an apostrophe or two.

When His Excellency received your letter, he went crazy. Nuts!

He underlined in pencil all the errors that you wrote.

Everything is underlined. See, it looks like a map.

You see it? It's true.

He called me into his office.

He said you need to be called to order. - Yeah, it's my age.

He said: "Is it possible that in your office there are employees,

who are incapable of writing a single word?"

His Excellency wants to open an investigation. And he's right.

He wants to know what degree did you get to become

the head archivist with a fixed position. And he's right!

How could you get this job without a diploma?

I don't have one. - You don't? - Unfortunately, no.

If you don't have one, how did you get in here?

How did you manage to get here?

I don't understand. What?

What is it? Are you feeling OK? - I feel fine!

Why you are you doing this? - I'm saying: in '22.

October 22. - Ah, October 22. Speak clearly.

1922, fine. - October!

A cousin of mine. A cousin of mine..

Got it?

My cousin..

marching..

"Where you going?" - "I'm going to Rome!"

With the "fez". - I get it, a Turkish cousin.

A centurion! A centurion cousin.

Of the militia. A centurion of the militia!

A centurion of the Militia got you this post in '22.

It's best not to mention certain relatives. - Exactly.

I understand, but at least an elementary school diploma!

Elementary school diploma!

I've had 30 years of good conduct, 30 years of honest work!

Work and honesty count but the rules of employment are very clear, right?

You can't take an honest man and throw him out on the street

with a wife, five daughters and a bad heart!

Let's be honest! Look me in the face! - Let's be honest, I'm your friend.

I will emphasize those 30 years you served with good conduct.

and you'll no doubt be acquitted. - Am I in jail?

Cavaliere, be understanding.. be understanding..

At my age, I can't go to school to get a diploma. With five daughters!

How will I look? - You're right, but those are the rules. Do it for your family.

It's a very simple test. Even kids can do it.

I have white hair. - You're right. But what can you do?

Patience.

Cavaliere..

The Apennine tributaries are the sea, the Indian Ocean and the Sarcastico sea.

The Sarcastico sea bathes Bari.

The Sarcastico sea that bathes Bari

was the birthplace of Giotto and fatherland of Napoleon.

Damn, what an ignorant ass you are! - Scram!

Ercole Pappalardo! - Present.

In the name of the Father...

Good morning.

Good morning. - Can I help you?

I'm the quasi-Cavaliere Pappalardo. Head Archivist for the Ministry.

Pleased to meet you. And where's your child?

What child? - Ercole Pappalardo!

I'm Ercole Pappalardo!

You are getting your elementary diploma? - Yes. - No, matter. Sit down!

You start. - Shouldn't we wait for our colleague?

He said he'd be right back. - Never mind, let's begin.

Tell me: Do you know what a plate is?

A plate? Of course. - Go on.

A plate is something you put food on, like spaghetti.

What does spaghetti have to do with it? - A plate..

That's a utensil! I'm talking about a tectonic plate!

Of course, sorry, I got confused.

Is it so hard? - I was thinking geographically..

What does geography have to do with it? - Exactly. - Alright, let's move on.

Who invented the battery? - The inventor of the battery..

The electric battery? - Yes, sir. - I knew..

It's so easy!

A.. Ale.. - Alessio!

What Alessio? From Como.

Alessio Comasco. - What Comasco? - Nicola? - Alessandro..

Manzoni! "The Betrothed"! - He's a writer.

But he spoke of Como. - So what? - "That Lake Como .."

That's something else, that's "The Betrothed''.

Alessandro.. - Alessandro.. - He's famous..

It spins? Cycle! - What cycle? He was not a cyclist!

Volta! Alessandro Volta! - But that's means "spinning".

Turning is done like this.

As saying "At the end turn [volta] to the right".

Eh.. let's move on to Italian.

Are you good with Italian? - Yes, I'm fine in Italy.

I speak of the language. Anyway, do you know any poetry? - Yes, you know some?

Do you know "The Bull"? - You know it?

Yes, I know the bull. The bull is the husband of the cow.

What husband of the cow? I'm losing my patience!

Not the husband! But they live together..

The poem! - We're talking about the poem of Carducci.

The poem? Of course! I didn't remember right away, but..

And it begins: I.. - I..

"I love you, oh, mild bull". - I love you, oh, mild bull!

"You bring unto my heart a feeling of vigor and peace."

"Whether as solemn as a monument.." etc.

That's nice. Really. Is it yours?

God! I'll ask you one more question, let's hope you get this right.

Do you know any words in Italian that begin with an "X"? - An "X"?

In Italian, any words beginning with "X"?

I have to say it in Italian? - Yes, it's the last question, please.

"X"? - X.. - Excellent!

"Excellent"!? Oh, my God!

Let's move on to history? - Excuse me?

We're moving on. - Why, we're good here.

What do you mean? - You said you want to move.

You ask this time. - Ah, moving on to history! - Yes, ancient history.

Respond: How many kings of Rome were there?

Seven! - Very good! Well done!

Thank you. You see I wasn't concentrating before.

And what was the name of the last one?

The last? Now I don't remember..

Let's go by elimination.

Now then, the first was called Ro.. Ro..

Romoletto! - No, Romulus!

Well, Romoletto is short for Romulus. - What's that got to do with it?

The first Romulus. The second, Numa Pompilius.

Numa Pompilius. - Tullo.. - Tuglio Carminati.

Tullo Ostilio! - Yes, Tullo Ostilio. - Continue.

What about these? - These are three kings of Ancient Rome.

Three kings. - Of the Rome? - Yes.

The most famous was..? - Still of the Rome? - Yes.

The most famous.. Amadei!

Not Amadei? - What does that have to do with it?

There's nothing we can do.

You have to flunk me.

Dear Pappalardo, we asked you questions made for children.

That's the problem, dear people, I'm no longer a child.

Someone like me has a home to support, a family,

with a wife and little money coming in.

Someone like me who when he opens the papers he reads with horror

that gas and food prices are going up, he feels desperate.

Yes, dear people, desperate.

I know nothing about words that begin with "X" or bulls.

Ask me rather how much a kilo of potatoes costs..

or how much a hospital bill is.

To study and learn everything you ask of me,

one would have to be without cares: children, madmen, the rich.

But not a state employee. - I understand, but it's our duty..

I know, you have to flunk me or promote me.

You're flunking me. I know. What will I do now?

According to you, I go home and say to the family, "Hey, they flunked me!"

My work at the Ministry is over.

"Starting today, we won't be able to eat. We won't be able to eat, you know why?"

"Because I can't remember who the King of Rome was."

That is your duty. - Well, what can we do..

Don't worry, we'll try to help you out. - Right.

Really?

May I hope? - Yes. - Thank you.

Thank you.

I understand. I see that you have kids too.

Thanks. - Go now, you're wasting our time.

Mr. Archivist!

Good day. - Good day.

Why are you here?

Nothing, I had an exam and now I'm done.

An exam? - Yes. - For elementary school? - Yes.

At your age? - Yes, and he has answered sufficiently.

Sufficiently? - Yes. - Bravo!

Mr. Archivist is very smart, he knows so many things.

We have already met. Isn't that right, Mr. Archivist?

Yes, we have. I never imagined.. - To find me here? Naturally.

I'm so happy to see you again, Mr. Archivist. - Me too.

The exam is over, goodbye! - But the test is not yet over.

Everybody, isn't it true that it's not over?

Will you sit, Mr. Archivist?

Excuse us, if we examined him without you.

No need to worry, Mr. Archivist, these will be very easy questions.

Let's see..

What is the largest lake in Italy, Mr. Archivist?

It's easy, the name gives it away. The major lake in Italy!

The name gives it away? - It does. - Lake Maggiore!

I imagined it.

I imagined you'd fall for it!

Lake Maggiore is not the largest lake in Italy, despite the name.

Lake Garda is greater than it. It's the largest lake in Italy.

A good one, right?

I'm so witty!

I'm having convulsions!

Shall we ask some questions on history, Mr. Archivist?

You have the right. - Let's see..

Mr. Archivist..

where did Garibaldi die?

Garibaldi?

Capri!

He said Capri! I've never heard that one!

You're a hoot, Mr. Archivist!

Can you imagine Garibaldi in Capri with that beard?

In a bathing suit? Jumping from the cliffs?

Caprera, not Capri.

Garibaldi died at Caprera,

Mr. Archivist.

What's the name of a pachyderm, Mr. Archivist?

Any pachyderm? - A pachyderm.

De Gasperi!

You haven't lost the habit of insulting your superiors, Mr. Archivist!

But Maestro, I don't even know what a packydirt is!

Yeah, I know. This is about the parrot.

Why do you mention the parrot? What does that have to do with it?

This one wants to be the Head Archivist and is ignorant of the most basic facts!

Therefore I believe that he cannot be promoted.

He'll be ruined. - Failed.

Failed without a doubt.

Do you mind, Mr. Archivist.., Mr.. uh.. Maestro..

if I ask you a question?

Go ahead, Mr. Archivist. Ask me a question.

Would you be able to tell me..

what significizes the word "whoopass"?

What it significizes!

"Whoopass"?

Why, do you know, Mr. Archivist?

If I didn't know it, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have asked the question.

Go ahead and tell us, Mr. Archivist, what "whoopass" means.

May I? Will you rise? - Of course.

So then..

you don't know what "whoopass" means?

I don't know. It doesn't exist.

Better to live one day as a lion than a hundred years a sheep.

Who could have imagined it!

How he gave it to him! - He gave it to us all, Ma'am!

My soul in the heart of these white hairs!

Failed! Definitely failed!

Don't overdo it. - Definitely failed!

Let him appeal to His Excellency!

Let him go! How I will laugh then!

I really wanna laugh!

Hi. What is it?

Papa!

Ercolino, what is it? Do you feel bad?

And the exam?

Come on, go!

What happened? Talk to me.

It was already over..

They asked me a few questions..

I knew nothing about bulls or cycles.

Anyway, I answered.

Then, you see, between state employees, they understood me right away.

And then came in, the parrot man.

The parrot man came?

What bad luck! He started to ask me hard questions.

To tease me, to mock me, to needle me.

And I only saw red!

And I only saw red! It was a massacre!

But Ercole! - Oh, yes!

A man's gotta do, what a man's gotta do!

This is the first time, I felt such satisfaction.

It was great! I felt young and strong! Handsome and sturdy!

Ah! I couldn't take anymore.

I felt a new sensation: wonderful, exciting.

The same feeling I felt only once before in my life.

When?

When I kissed you for the first time.

I'm happy that I had this satisfaction before I died.

Don't talk about dying. - Yes, I've thought about it.

I've been thinking about things.

It's not worth it, it's better to die. It's a bargain. - What?

Yes, it's a bargain. - Ercolino, what are you talking about?

We have to try to salvage the situation.

Even in the building, if you knew! They've must noticed something.

The sidelong glances, the.. the..

the inquisitive looks, the gossip, from the one in number 11.

Even the butcher.. He must have guessed, or figured out something.

He sent me notice that we've no more credit.

All this because of spit, no, for a sneeze.

Is it fair that a poor man because he sneezed, should lose his job?

Come on, if you lose that job, you'll find another.

You think it's so easy?

Armida, you want to know something?

I don't want to live anymore. I'm tired.

For 54 years, I've been living poorly:

bosses, troubles, withholdings, babies, the rent, the grocers,

shoes for the girls, measles, office hours, inflation,

cost of living, raising taxes, elections, winter, the Chinese, the war, scooters!

What kind of life is this? I can't stand it anymore, enough!

I can't take it anymore.

You can't take it anymore? It's too easy.

So you want to leave us in this mess? You want to die? How convenient!

You know how many people want to die instead of facing their problems?

But there are duties, you see. The family, our daughters.

So a poor man can't even die! Let me pass.

So I'm forced to live? And then, shut up, I've decided.

I thought it out. My death is a bargain! - Why, a bargain?

But... but let's reason it out.

Where can we find the money? - That's what I wonder myself.

From the Lotto.

The Lotto! You always have Lotto on the brain. Who'll give us the numbers?

I will. You don't believe me? I'll give the numbers.

The dead, when they're dead, come into dreams and give numbers.

It's a scientific fact. Proven scientifically.

I'll die, come into your dreams, give you a triple and no more poverty.

Ercolino, look, right now you're not thinking straight.

No, Armida, I spent years thinking about it.

That's why in the past, I never worried,

I knew that when I couldn't take it any longer, I could die

and give the numbers to my family so they could live comfortably.

Now the time has come, Armida. The time has come..

I leave..

forever.

Why is it you who should die?

Because the girls need you, not me. They're all females, what would I do?

Then I'm the head of the family. I have to support the family, don't I?

That's what the priest said 30 years ago when we got married.

Come on, don't cry. - You want to leave me after 30 years together?

Exactly. - What do you mean "exactly"?

Exactly, after 30 years of living together.

But today I don't understand anything!

But, do you know what? - What? - I'm very worried.

I'm afraid in the other world I may meet my snake of a mother-in-law again.

What are you doing? - I'm dressing for my death.

Listen, that's enough! - No more "enough"! I can't go on..

My heart. You see? You see?

The time has come.

Call the girls, I want to say goodbye.

Girls!

Come girls, quickly. - What is it?

Come see Papa.

I can't understand anything...

Listen you two, who are the eldest.

Papa's going away.

Far away.

I'll send you a lot of money. You'll be rich.

Really? - How wonderful!

Yes, but..

we won't see each other again for a long time. A very long time.

It's life..

Don't get too enthusiastic.

Ines, where are you?

I'm here.

Marry that mechanic, if you want. - Yes, Papa, thank you.

You two,

study and try to pass the exams.

Don't do as your father did, who, not having a diploma,..

Damn it!

The funeral! - What?

Ah, yes. For a funeral, one needs at least 30,000 lire.

Filippini's cost 50,000.

Never mind, never mind.

I'll go to the cemetery by myself, on foot.

On foot? - Yes, you can follow behind me in procession, if you wish,

and even weep for my decease.

There's never been anything like this. What will the neighbors say, the people?

You'll tell them, you'll tell them: "That's how things are."

"It couldn't be otherwise. For..

economic reasons."

Please, keep in mind,..

no good works, but only flowers.

You! Where are you going?

Good morning. Excuse me, where are we? - On Olympus.

I'm already here? How beautiful!

Well then, can you tell me who gives out the Lotto numbers up here?

First of all, have you got a card? - What card?

The permit to live in Olympus. Otherwise you can't go in.

But I just got here.

Then go immediately to the admissions office.

It's in that building.

That one over there?

So far away? - It's not that far.

Well, you see, into these clouds, you sink a bit. Anyway, thank you.

Good day. - Who are you? - I am Cavaliere Pappalardo..

What "Cavaliere"? Don't tell lies! Here you must be honest.

Well, I almost was. It was up for proposal. - OK.

What do you want? - What do I know? I died and they sent me here.

One moment, easy to say "I'm dead",

just to get Olympic citizenship and take advantage of all its benefits. Very nice!

Look at those people over there.

You need to prove you're dead, dear sir!

But, if I weren't dead, what I'd be doing here? You tell me!

So what? You need documentation!

You need your papers. - Even here? - Of course.

Your situation must be legalized.

So it's bureaucracy? - Sure. What's this, a Ministry?

Is this an office? - It's orderly this way.

You must get a death certificate and then go for your medical checkup.

Window 9. - You know you're fussy?

What? - Yes! You're really fussy!

It's for your career, want to become a boss? - What?

Do me a favor! - You do me a favor! - No, you do it! - No, you!

Who do you think you are? I was an employee too! - What does that matter?

Window number 9!

I need the Lottery numbers, and quickly, you understand? - Go, go!

Excuse me, are corpses legalized here? - Yes. - Thank you.

Pappalardo! - You here! - What a surprise! - Filippini!

Glad to see you here!

Sorry, I mean, I'm sad. What happened?

It's a long story, but I'll tell you.

Why are you wearing a nightgown? - It's my uniform.

After the checkup, if you're deemed fit, you dress this way.

Then you'll get your destination.. There's to wait a few days. - Next!

Coming! - One moment. - What? - You go behind me.

What do you mean? I just died, I'm still fresh.

Dead fresh daily.

Not true. You just arrived. - Exactly, I'm still fresh.

Be quiet! We're working here! Hurry up!

I know, but Fred Astaire here was saying.. - Silence and stay in line!

Come forward!

What arrogance!

Come, your name? - Ercole Pappalardo.

The late Ercole Pappalardo! - Yes, the late.

Cause of death? - Sneezing. - Sneezing? - Yes, sneezing.

I understand, complications from a cold or pneumonia.

Complications yes, but from geography, parrots, spitting, layoff, etc.

Don't be funny, next door on the right! - Don't get excited.

I'm not excited! - Be nice.

I'm very nice! - Really, I don't think so.

Get behind that line! - Your sister has a line, get it?

I mean the queue! - Be polite! - I am polite!

Your manners are impolite! - Impolite! - Look at him!

Wait'll Uncle Joe comes! - And we'll await him here!

But he wouldn't be caught dead here!

Shameless, rude beyond belief! - Pappalardo, what have you done?

I met a rude employee to whom I'd have given..

so many slaps..

What should I do now? - This is for the medical checkup.

See? Medical Consulting. - Oh, right.

Well.. then, Filippini..

I'm going to consult. - Go, I'll wait here.

It's a little wide, isn't it?

I told them, but they said "We can't make it tailored!"

By the way, which way to the window with the Lotto numbers?

I thought so. It's very hard to get them.

But I need them! My family are starving down there!

Forget about it, they won't give them. They're afraid of inflation.

Think, there's even a Black Market. - For Lotto numbers? - Yes.

The Black Market? - Yes. - Where?

In the galleria! - The galleria? I'll be right back.

Don't go, it's dangerous! - I gotta go, I have a family.

A nice quadruple? A nice quadruple?

For Cagliari's draw. - No. - A safe triplet? Nice, assured.. - No.

A quintuple? - Can I interest you in a quintuple for Rome? It's a steal.

I don't care. - Listen to me. - I don't care, don't insist!

Young man! What the heck!

A triple for Bari?

Bari? - Yes. - Bari interests me. Straight numbers?

Straight. - Are you sure? - Very sure.

How much? - 10,000. - Just what I have! Here. Give me the numbers.

Really? Well, thank you.

54, 33 and 89.

The fuzz!

Armida, I got the numbers!

Armida!

Armida!

You hear me? It's Ercolino.

I want to give you the numbers. You hear me, Armida?

If you knew the mess that's here! Armida!

Pay attention, the numbers are: 54..

33..

89.

Remember! Play them on Bari's draw. Straight numbers!

Ouch! They're carrying me away! Bye! Kiss the girls for me.

On Bari, straight numbers! Do it! Goodbye now!

Armida! Armida!

Come here! Quick! Everybody here! - What is it? - Come here!

Oh my God.. your Papa.. we're millionaires!

Papa's numbers won! - 54? - 33? - 89? - Yes, we're millionaires!

My girls, let me sit down.

Let me rest a while, I don't even know how I got up the stairs!

Poor man! I had such a vivid dream.

He was running and running.. and the others kept on smacking him.

But he kept shouting, I heard him, "Armida, play them on Bari!"

Poor thing, they gave him so many smacks!

Poor Papa, he kept his promise. - Yes, and we didn't even believe him.

After so many years, after so much suffering..

Finally!

Now we..

are all happy!

Let go of me! Help!

Where are you taking me? Help!

Help! Where are you leading me?

I'll resist! There'll be resistance! I'm resisting!

Can't you see I'm resisting?

This is kidnapping! This is kidnapping!

Let go of me! Let go of me!

Let me go! Unhand me!

Un - hand me!

Let go of me! Off of me!

What is this, the White House?

Who's that? Truman? Hey!

You're here. Bravo, Pappalardo! Nice job you've done!

Look, Commendatore.. - Silence!

What "Commendatore"? There are no Commendatores here!

Such a thing hasn't been seen here in a million years!

Go on! Don't exaggerate!

What? You dare doubt my words? - Yes.

Do you know who I am? - Actually, Excellency..

Shut up! Anything you can tell me,

I know it before you say it. I know all! I know all!

Then why are we talking? - So you'll realize what you did.

All this because of three numbers? - It is a lot! Very much so!

It's an act of indiscipline which I won't tolerate.. - Hey, calm down!

Enough! I'm sick of your complaints,

of your ways of behaving!

I'll make you an example as a warning to all!

For things such as this requires punishment!

Mr. President, why? You want to punish me?

Wait, Mr. President, I did it to feed my family.

The same excuses. Enough!

Enough of these cheats, with these lies!

Which your corrupt world is full of!

Don't lie, I know all, I know all! Did you cheat or not?

I did.

For my first offense, you want to punish me?

I should have started sooner,

but I spent 30 years, poor and honest, in a Ministry.

Damn it! I didn't know that! - No? - Why didn't you say so at first?

You wouldn't let me speak. - Rather than saying a lot of nonsense!

You were a state employee for 30 years? - Yes, Sir!

To Paradise! - Thank you, Excellency. Thank you.

And this was the dream of Ercole Pappalardo.

English subtitles by sineintegral@KG.

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