Original subtitles

Previously on "Resident Alien"...

This city is an assault on my senses.

- Who the hell is

- Galvan/Powell Group?

You have no idea who you are dealing with.

Constellation Ursa Major.

That is where we will find Goliath.

People already think Patience is a murder town.

You want them to think it's an alien town too?

Jessup is trying to build a five-star resort.

Who says it's gotta be Jessup?

That Grady property up on the ridge

is beggin' to be developed.

I think you're pregnant.

When you're ready, it'll be there.

- Dr. Smallwood-- - He's trying to fire you.

And now we officially have no doctor.

Dr. Vanderspeigle is our only real candidate.

He has a birthday comin' up.

The alien we went to see was dead.

Goliath held out for as long as he could.

- But he gave birth to an egg. - No!

And now it's in Harry's bag.

Do you even know when it will hatch?

Surprise!

♪

So where is this alien ball,

and how do I know that video wasn't a fake?

You're gonna have to trust me.

Last time I saw you, I was going to have you killed.

Seems like trusting you is moving backwards.

♪

I want to see it.

♪

What do you want?

I give you the ball, I get my life back--

honorable discharge, full pension.

Nobody trying to--

♪

♪

Get out of my house!

Happy Birthday, Dr. Vanderspeigle.

Glad to have you back in Patience.

Wow, Harry. It's a surprise party.

That's right. Honoring the birthday

of one of our town's most esteemed residents,

Dr. Harry Vanderspeigle.

Here's to another trip around the Sun, Dr. V.

By the way, the break and enter was Ben's idea.

Ah, now, now. No breaking, just entering.

The door was unlocked.

Yeah, after you climbed through the window

and unlocked it.

Out of respect for our wonderful friend--

nay, our partner, really--

who deserves to be celebrated for, if nothing else,

his kindness.

You are all trespassing and should be in prison.

- He's jokin'. - No he's not.

Thanks for the heads-up.

I wasn't invited. I'm just hungry.

Here, let me grab this for you.

No! I can put that away!

Ah, no way.

No worrying about luggage for you.

Whoa, close call there.

All right, let's get the festivities started.

I do not like having people at my house uninvited.

Well, now you know how Earth felt when you got here.

Okay, I'll get rid of everyone.

Just take that thing downstairs.

Only half of it is "thing."

The other half is alien.

Sure.

Oh, Dr. Vanderspeigle, how was your trip?

I heard you went to a medical conference in New York.

Yes, I went to an art party,

and took illegal drugs.

You know, I went to an art party once.

Well, it wasn't an art party.

It was--I guess you could call that art--

Do you have a pet spider?

Because it's in your hair. - What?

- Yeah.

- Oh. - No, no, no.

No. No. - Yes.

Where is it?

It is gone now.

What?

Mm-mm. Nope.

♪

So when you gonna ask Dr. V

to be the town doctor, Ben?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Come on, man. This is what this is all about.

You're wooing him. Look.

Word of advice: get him drunk before you ask him.

It'll help smooth the woo.

I'm just showing appreciation.

There's--there's no woo.

Hey, Ben.

Thanks for pulling all this together.

Um, Harry's not really feeling very well,

so maybe we could do this another night.

Ah, can't.

It's a special night for Harry, and if he's not feeling well,

then by golly, we will nurse him back to health

together as a town.

We're stayin'.

Woo...

♪

- Ben, that's very-- - Excuse me.

Kay. An alien baby kills you,

it's not my fault.

♪

I do not understand why humans celebrate their births.

Everyone who is alive has been born.

It is not special.

A birthday party is just a participation trophy.

It's my grandmother's secret deviled egg recipe.

I snuck into her desk and stole it when I was ten.

She's hated me ever since.

Mmm. Well, these are insane.

I mean, it's horrible to lose your grandmother, but worth it.

Last Christmas, she said she hopes she dies soon

so she can haunt me and steal my soul.

She holds a grudge.

Mm, not for me. I'm not a fan of yolk mixtures

or having my soul taken by an angry ghost.

Just try one.

I would, but I said no.

♪ Know that I'll be coming right back ♪

♪ Tomorrow's dream

Fine, yeah. I'll, uh, have a bite.

♪

Oh, my God. Mmm.

It's a delicate farm in my mouth.

Mmm. - No.

You doubted them. - I didn't doubt it.

You don't deserve a second one.

- No, I do. - The second one

is even better somehow.

It's like I can taste the farmer's wife

calling her family in for supper, like...

Mmm.

"Comin', Mama."

Mmm.

"I'm comin'."

But I wanna taste farm supper...

- What did you do with it? - It is in the bunker.

It is safe.

Glad the alien in the cellar is safe.

Harry, what if it hatches down there?

Mm, alien babies have a big appetite

for high-calorie junky food. - Uh-huh.

There's nothing more junky than a human.

We are in danger.

We have to get everyone out of here.

- Make yourself look sick.

Oh, that's good.

Yes. Good.

I have not done anything yet.

Oh.

Sorry.

It's good, though.

Oh, there he is!

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny

All right.

You think I am a good fellow?

And jolly.

And so sick... sick. - Mm.

Sick... of being alone, maybe.

It's your birthday.

It is your special day.

All this is for you.

Plus, cake.

If, uh, Jay ever shows up with it.

Can it be pie?

- No. - Pie it is.

I feel better! You can stay.

You sure, Doc? You still look kind of pale.

It is my Dutch skin.

You hear that everyone? Our good cheer has cured him.

I'm gonna get that pie for you. - Mm-hmm.

Great. I have enough eggs to last

all night, but we may need more ice,

because if they don't stay chilled, they go south fast.

I got you, Deputy. You got ice down

in that meat freezer of yours, right?

Do not go down there.

The floor's cracked, and if you step on it,

you'll break your mama's back. Here.

- What'd he say about my mama?

Today is all about celebrating

the birth of a man I murdered

and threw in the frozen lake.

Ice seems appropriate.

Sulfur.

♪

Hello?

♪

Oh...

- Hmm. - Wow, soda.

You handling heavy machinery later?

Right, you were out of town. We haven't talked.

I stopped drinking.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

- Since when? - 1:00.

- Last night? - This afternoon.

You gotta start somewhere.

You know, been eating healthy...

getting back in shape.

Oh! I even started going to the gym again.

Wow, I love that.

Feels pretty good.

- Hey,

still waiting on a invite to come here tonight.

Email not a thing anymore?

Open wide.

- Hey hun. - Hey.

You, uh, having fun?

Yeah. Um, are they gonna do

anything about that sulfur smell?

I'm gonna barf.

I don't smell anything.

Hey, uh, remember when you were pregnant,

and you had that sense of smell like a superhero?

Hope you're not pregnant.

Could you imagine?

Yeah, right?

Mmm, I'm gonna get

some sweet gherkins. You want anything?

Oh, sure don't.

Sure don't.

This is a problem.

Even at birth, my alien kind

is very strong and agile.

That thing could be anywhere by now.

If it were a fully human baby, it would be much easier.

Human infants are the only mammal whose main attribute

is helplessly flopping.

Need some help with that ice down there, Doc?

No.

I am good at ice-carrying.

You sure? I'll come down and help.

No, no!

I want to carry it myself.

Ice feels good on my nipples.

Thanks, Doc. Damn, you smell like sulfur.

What, you have an outhouse party down there?

No.

It is not sulfur.

What are you, crazy?

It is the deputy's eggs. They are stinky.

Well, that makes sense.

Yeah, those things are delicious but deadly.

You gotta stop at two, or it's like eating a butt gun.

I would not fire a gun made out of butts.

The mayonnaise is homemade, and I mix the yolks by hand.

- Mm. - And I don't use

canola oil like most people.

The key is olive oil.

It really brings out the eggy flavor.

Mm. Yum.

Just... excuse me. - Okay.

- Just one second. - Okay.

♪

♪ And I'm sorry for all I've taken ♪

♪ And I'm sorry for all I've let loose ♪

♪

♪ I wanna be true

♪ I wanna be forgiven

♪

♪ For givin' up

♪ On everything I knew

♪

♪ I wanna be true

I'm serious. If you're wearing nurse scrubs

and you're running, stores will pretty much

let you take anything for free. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Of course.

No, sorry, anything.

Okay, so I marked all the military installations

where they could be holding the alien ball.

I circled the underground ones nobody knows about.

Ben's throwing a surprise birthday party for Dr. V.,

but he's just doing that to trick him

into being town doctor again.

It's this big secret.

Yeah. I told everyone.

Town doctor?

What happened to Dr. Ethan?

He left town the night the Men in Black were here.

You mean the night you told the Men in Black

Dr. Ethan was the alien?

Yeah, that night.

Guess Dr. Ethan just didn't like it here.

- Is your brain in your butt? - I hope not.

Don't you realize what happened?

The Men in Black took Dr. Ethan.

As soon as they figure out he's human,

they'll know the alien is still in Patience

and come back looking for him.

We have to go to that party and warn Asta.

How? We have a babysitter.

We'll get her to fall asleep.

I know what to do.

Same way my Aunt Azadeh conks out when she visits.

- Sleeping pills? - No...

calm-voiced nature videos.

What you gonna do with all them pickles?

Uh, those are not pickles.

Those are sweet gherkins,

or, uh, cornichons.

Did you just correct me on how to say a pickle?

No. I'm just sayin'.

I'm gonna get some punch.

Hey, how's the punch? - It fell.

What?

What?

Oh, no. - Huh?

I didn't--

It's pretty, huh?

Yeah, it's amazing.

I used to spend a lot of time here

when you were dating Harry.

Oh, yeah. I wouldn't call it dating.

It was really more of a drive-by.

So any exciting news?

No, I haven't taken the test yet.

If I take the test and it's positive,

then I'm pregnant.

Yeah, that's not how it works.

♪

You know, I was just talking to Harry about New York.

All I could think about was how exciting it would be

to live there, you know?

The art shows, the theatre, all of it.

Why can't that be my life?

I don't know. Why can't it?

Because I'm stuck here,

pushing out babies like a stray dog.

Ugh... the ones with all the nipples?

- So many nipples. - Huge, huge nipples.

You adopt one, it turns over. Nipple.

♪

Come on.

Let's go pee on a stick.

Hold your breath.

Liv just brought out a new tray of eggs.

Ugh.

The size of the bull elk's antlers

depends on how much sunlight the elk gets.

Here, this elk basks in the warm rays of the midday sun.

A full-sized male's antlers can grow up to an inch per day

during the summer months.

They're typically fully grown by mid-August.

If he is able to--

Hey!

Where are you going?

- Bike ride? - Taking out the garbage!

Just come home before your parents get back.

No drugs!

- She's a horrible babysitter. - Yeah.

♪

Ooh...

♪

What the hell?

Hmm.

- Harry? - No, just me.

Just me in here peein'. - Sorry.

God, I can't hold the stick. My hand's shaking too much.

Okay, give it to me.

I'll hold it. I'll hold it.

- You sure? - Yeah.

Okay, it's in position. Go.

And you just pissed on my hand.

♪

There you are. What are you doing?

I am enjoying my birthday candy.

Have you checked on the egg?

'Cause if there's any chance that it will hatch,

we have to get everyone out of this party right now.

The party cannot end. There is pie coming.

Do not worry. The baby will not hatch.

It is definitely still inside of its shell.

Nowhere else!

Okay. It's still a party, though,

so you can't just hide in the bedroom,

or people will be suspicious. - Mm.

Come talk to someone,

and don't be weird.

And here we go.

I will talk to Dan because he has food.

And that is not weird.

Hi, Dan.

Here is some money for my meal,

and I'll also take a side of fries at the table.

♪

Really sorry about that.

Oh, don't worry.

I've been peed on before.

I have too.

I kind of like it.

I was talking about a frog I picked up when I was a kid.

Yeah, frogs.

Me too.

- Oh.

Time's up.

Shit.

Congratulations.

You gonna tell Ben the good news?

Not until I'm convinced it's good news.

Why? If you get overwhelmed,

just think back on a time when life was simple,

and you were just a woman

pissin' on another woman.

You got this, Hawthorne.

♪ Please darlin'

♪ Take mercy on my broken heart, yeah ♪

♪ And take my soul if you want what's left of it ♪

You're not gonna believe it.

Eugena Plunkett came in, saying she saw a UFO

a couple of months ago in Patience.

Can you imagine? - That seems... crazy.

Remember that camping trip when we were kids,

like when Ben saw something, and he ran, and everyone

followed him, and I stayed back by the fire?

Yeah, I think so.

But he didn't see anything, right?

- No. - No.

Yeah. No.

But I did.

Really?

What?

A UFO.

A real-life UFO.

Don't you wanna believe...

that we're not alone,

like, that there's something bigger than us out there?

Sure. Um, but not in Patience.

I mean, we just barely got a pizza place.

I am sure there are not aliens here.

You're probably right.

It's just fun to think about sometimes.

- Hello. - Hello.

Jay's here. Okay.

Pretend like you're talking to me, would you?

I am talking to you.

Right. Oh God.

I'm so--I just get so nervous when she's around.

I mean, I've been giving her space, you know?

But I'm--it just feels like it's been forever,

and her 18th birthday is in two days.

Am I talking fast? - Mm-hmm.

Talking fast. She's driving now.

Yeah, she's our best customer.

We've given her, like, six tickets.

Oh. I'm so sorry.

Mm-mm. Breathe.

Okay.

- Yeah. - She's coming.

- She's on her way. - Don't pass out.

- Hi. - Hey, how are you?

How are you?

I'm good.

Um, so my birthday's coming up, which you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was there.

Yeah, so... look, I was wondering if you might want

to do something that day.

Just, um-- just you and me.

- Really? - Yeah, you know...

just, like, lunch or something.

It's no big deal. Just hang out.

Uh...

I would love that.

Okay. Um, great.

Pick me up at the diner at 1:00?

Maybe we can check out that new Mexican place?

I can't wait.

Okay. Um, I'm gonna go...

I'm gonna go eat as much food as I can

before Mr. Hawthorne kicks me out.

Sure. Cool.

♪

♪

♪

- Hey, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm great.

I just need to pee.

♪

Let me in. I know you're upset.

♪

I'm fine. Just... sneezed.

Um, have you seen Harry?

Don't be too self-conscious.

I had a bunch of them eggs too.

You get in line. I'ma be a while.

Don't stand by the door neither, a'ight?

You're the one that said not to be self-conscious--

Get away from the damn door!

I still see your feet! - All right.

Ow.

Looking for something?

I wanted to heat up pie.

The baby hatched, and you knew it!

What? This is news to me.

How did you not tell me this sooner?

Stop it. I saw it in the bathroom!

- And it has teeth!

What kind of baby has teeth?

Oh, an alien baby.

They're very good at ripping things... or people.

Everyone! We have to leave the house!

No. No, no.

I saw it run outside.

Everyone, we need to stay inside the house!

- Harry... - We should keep

everyone together.

Outside is not safe.

Now, any cop that's ever been a cop in D.C.

is there, right? Which is just--

that's just the way it is at Kelly's when a cop retires.

So the next thing you know,

we hear all these people screaming, right?

We don't know what's going on.

Did a fight break out, you know?

Who knows? And I look,

and parting the sea of bodies is a goat.

- What? - Jesse had snuck a goat

into the bar and just let it loose.

See, now that was Jesse!

Good to see you laughin'.

Hey Dad, can I talk to you for a second?

Okay.

Oh, and this other time...

The alien baby hatched.

It's loose!

Is that a bad thing?

It's not a good thing.

Keep everyone together, and don't let anyone outside, okay?

Harry's really worried.

- He doesn't look worried. - Huh?

I do not like this gift.

Didn't I, uh, give you that last Christmas?

Well, maybe if someone had invited me,

I'd have time to shop.

Plus, it smells like doo-doo, baby.

Harry, can I ask you a quick question about the pie?

The mayor gives cheap gifts.

Oh, actually he worked pretty hard on that.

Not cheap. Uh, it happens to be beeswax,

nature's gold. - Isn't gold nature's gold?

Not to Ben.

What if it's outside?

Then maybe we should stay here.

And if we're going to stay here,

we should open presents.

- Asta! Asta! - Yeah, do not go outside.

Asta!

We should stay inside while we can't go outside.

- Come on! - Come on!

Let's go to the other window. - Yeah.

♪

Cool, a raccoon!

Aw, look at the cute little--

What the?

Do you know what this means?

Raccoon bones don't taste good?

Harry is breeding alien babies.

♪

How long do I have to keep everybody here for?

I mean, is it safe outside?

Did the "humalien" thing run away?

I do not know what the alien will do.

It is a hybrid.

The alien part of it will want to come back when it is hungry.

It will know there is food here.

You mean us, right?

No, of course not.

It will want to eat the egg sack that it was born in.

Okay.

Then us.

- Jesus. - I'll go downstairs

and look for it, and maybe snack on the sack.

- Ew. - I need something savory.

You know, about it maybe eating us thing...

you got bullets for those guns?

They're all loaded.

The real me was redneck-y.

Hey Dan. Uh...

I've been carrying around some of Jesse's ashes with me

for a while now, right?

I'm thinkin' maybe it's time to let him go.

You know, spread his ashes.

I love that idea.

I think you'll be happier not carrying that weight around.

Yeah. Well, we used to fish

together a lot. So I thought about

doing it here, on the lake.

You know, maybe we have a little memorial for him.

I'd love for you to be a part of it.

I'd be honored. Anytime.

Great! All right, let's go.

Uh, not now.

Why not?

Too windy.

Not good ash-spreading weather.

Well, you the expert, right?

I'ma get me some food.

Hey! Dr. V!

Just, uh, thought I'd say hi.

Wow, great work space.

You, uh, you build birdhouses down here?

You, uh, you're a tinkerer?

You like to tinker?

Yes.

Sometimes it makes me shiver

because of the warm urine leaving my body.

Oh no, that's, uh...

Anyway, hey, um,

wanted to talk to you about something.

Unfortunately, Dr. Smallwood has decided to retire,

and we have found ourselves, once again,

without a town doctor.

- And, yes, I can see

by the concern on your face

that you understand what a difficult position

this puts me in.

But you know what's even better?

- Is you... returning

as our town doctor. What do you think?

I will consider it!

Oh! What the heck was that?

It was an Earth animal.

It's a sick raccoon. - Mm-hmm.

We should probably go away.

Don't get close to it.

Yep. Say no more.

That's my cue. - Mm.

Uh, I'll go warn the others.

Uh... hmm?

Hello?

Oh, hi.

Really? That's amazing.

♪

♪

You know, if those raccoons do have rabies,

we should find them and take them somewhere.

Shit, I ain't messin' with no damn rabies.

You know 100% of people who have rabies go insane,

but only 20% of insane people have rabies?

That's a Internet fact.

Mmm.

Oh.

This stuff's pretty good.

It's spicier than I remember.

It's tangy.

You know?

- I'll have some of that. - Yeah.

Well, looks like New York's out of the picture.

What? Why?

Ben just got a call from some company

that wants to put a resort here.

Says he's gonna be mayor for decades.

Nobody's putting a resort here.

What are you talking about?

I don't know. He says he took pictures

of the Grady land to sell them on the idea,

and now they want to do it.

What? He said he was using

those pictures for the town website.

What?

Excuse me.

Hey, didn't realize you were still here.

Yeah, just thought I'd grab something to eat.

That was like an hour ago.

I guess I've been eating for an hour.

- Huh. - Mm-hmm.

Didn't realize I hired Jughead

to deliver the cake.

Hey, what are you two talking about?

Oh, I was just catching up with D'arcy

about the pictures that you took for the resort.

You know, the ones that you lied to me about,

that you said were for the "town website."

Well, I plan on using those pictures for the town website

as well, so... not a lie.

Hey, uh, should I order more food?

'Cause Jay is going through it like a lawnmower.

Nope, you totally lied to me.

I mean, Jesus.

We spent the whole day rock climbing, ATVing,

what, so you could just bring in a resort

and destroy the town?

Uh, you went rock climbing?

A little bit--small rock.

So when I got home from my mom's, and I said, you know,

"What have you been doing?" and you said, "Nothing,"

was "nothing" rock climbing with D'arcy?

Uh... you know, I mean,

isn't "nothing" kind of like a catchall expression?

I mean, it really could mean lots of different things.

No. It means nothing.

You know, what you and D'arcy did, it wasn't nothing.

It was something, and for some reason,

you just didn't tell me about it.

I just didn't think it was a big deal.

Oh shit. Uh, look.

I hate to insert myself here,

but it looks like Ben could use a little help,

so just know D'arcy kissed Ben,

not the other way around.

He's a completely innocent bystander.

You kissed Ben?

What a fun development. You two kissed...

each other! - I told you to tell her

about the kiss.

You know, this is on me.

I was drunk and in a really horrible place.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it.

It's not Ben's fault. - Well put.

Well, if it wasn't your fault,

then why wouldn't you just tell me about it?

I mean, then again, why would you?

'Cause I'm only just now hearing about you putting

a stupid resort in town.

What resort?

You can't put a resort in Patience.

See? I didn't tell anybody.

Is this the resort you were talking about that Ben wanted?

Yeah. I think it's a bad idea.

so does my mom.

I might've told Mike, thought he could keep a secret.

You can't keep secrets from somebody

who buys your bear claws every morning.

It took two bear claws to find out about the kiss.

Why is everyone listening to this?

'Cause you're having a public fight, and we have ears.

I'm not having a fight.

I am explaining to my wife

why I didn't tell her

about hanging out with D'arcy

a couple nights ago.

So you hung out at night too?

Okay, now it's a fight.

I'm not fighting.

I don't care if he hangs out with D'arcy.

They're friends. I--I--

I just don't know why you wouldn't

just tell me about this.

After we left the Grady land, D'Arcy came back to the house.

She found some weed that she had hid in Max's closet,

and we smoked it.

Wait, you hid pot in my son's closet?

Yeah, but I hid it back in high school

when I was bangin' your husband.

Ho, ho, ho...

Thought it was time for a hard joke.

- No. - No.

Look, this is ridiculous.

Nothing happened. She fell asleep.

I tucked her into Max's bed. End of story.

Wait, you slept over?

Ho, ho, it appears the story has a few more chapters.

Wait, you smoked 15-year-old weed?

I did. It was not good.

- Ben-- - Yes, D'arcy slept over

in Max's bed, and I am telling you now

because I have nothing to hide.

So where were you when I came home the next morning?

Ben told me to hide. I snuck out the window.

I made a gesture.

You took it to mean hide.

I also stole one of your kid's candy bars.

I'm sorry. - I can't believe this.

You were hiding in my house?

We hung out after that.

You couldn't just tell me all of this?

This whole thing was fake.

I really thought you were my friend.

No, I am your friend.

She apologized for kissing Ben.

I don't care about that, okay?

It's a stupid kiss. Who cares?

D'arcy was drunk and sad. Big surprise.

You know, if you didn't freak out so hard

about your husband hanging a sign on the wall,

maybe he'd tell you more shit.

Oh...

oh, okay that makes sense.

You're our new interior designer.

Spend your time moving a coffee table across the room with Ben,

because finding a single guy

who's real and available is too scary.

Well, maybe you should learn to talk to Ben

about your feelings instead of stuffing them

inside a 90-mile vertical treadmill run.

So is this what you do?

You insert your drama into other people's lives

'cause you can't deal with your own?

No, I'm dealing with mine

just fine, all right?

I'm working out. I'm in shape.

I look great. I quit drinking for...

four hours-- - You lied to me.

You know what? No.

I deserved it, because I have been lying for years.

You wanna know the truth? I hate it here.

I hate Patience. I hate my life,

and I hate that I really thought you were my friend,

and I'm glad that I pissed on your hand

when I took that pregnancy test!

What?

I'm pregnant.

- Congratulations!

Well, well, well, who's keeping secrets now?

Um, not really the road

you wanna be drivin' down right now.

- Couldn't agree more. - Okay.

Can you believe this shit?

She actually thinks I'm afraid

of being with a single man who's real.

That's ridiculous.

Pretty much dead on.

You are also really needy.

- Perfect.

Side with the man.

These guys. Am I right, Liv?

I'm not afraid of being in a real relationship.

What? Oh, coming.

Uh, oh, hey, hey. Where are you goin'?

Shit, unless you got another fight planned,

I'm pretty sure that was the highlight of the night.

No, no. Um, you can't leave yet...

because we still have cake!

Whoo.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry. I...

I should've told you about the D'arcy stuff.

♪

I figure you're probably, at this point, well aware,

but um,

you're married to a dipshit.

♪

I'm sorry.

I should've told you about the--

you know...

♪

Why didn't you tell me?

I don't know. I don't know--I...

Was...

scared, and we don't really talk anymore.

Anytime anything remotely uncomfortable comes up,

we just--we just have sex

instead of talking about what's really going on.

Okay, okay.

Let's talk. Right now.

We're gonna have a baby.

Yeah.

♪

That's...

a lot.

♪

It's a lot, a lot.

♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Harry ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you

You can go ahead and blow out the candles.

No.

I do not like cake.

Well, if you don't blow out the candles,

your wish won't come true.

- Mm. - I'll help you out, Harry.

- Oh. - Oh.

And someone's having sex in the bathroom.

Now, do not be concerned.

These old houses...

you can't beat them, but join them!

Everybody just sit tight, okay?

Nobody leave. Dad, can you help me

go downstairs, check the breaker?

You bet.

Raccoons probably chewed through the wires.

Yeah, you know, I got this call once.

It was a woodchuck that got into a fuse box.

Fried the poor little guy medium rare.

Do you know what the crazy part is?

You know what it smelled like?

Caesar salad. - Hmm.

- Mm-hmm. - Delicious.

Do not worry about the raccoon.

I'm going outside to set a trap.

Oh, I don't think raccoons eat pies.

No. Harrys do.

You can have garbage cake.

Who keeps loaded rifles in their house?

We're protecting ourselves from an outer space egg baby.

That's the question you're asking, Dad?

Hey, did you steal fruit?

Oh, yes, Mr. Biggins, I stole all the apples.

I need to be punished. - How about this?

- Jesus.

I swear, Mr. Biggins,

I didn't mean any disrespect.

- You in the right business.

Baby...

♪

Little baby. Agh!

Baby?

Come here.

♪

♪

- Whoa.

What are you doing here?

We came to warn you about the Men in Black.

They took Dr. Ethan. - What?

In the spring, Max told them he was the alien.

Hey, you don't speak for me.

Yeah, what she said is right.

Anyway, once they realize he's a human,

they're gonna come back for Harry.

Plus, there's an alien baby

killing animals outside, just FYI.

Yup. I know about that.

Um, thank you for telling me.

Can you please sneak them home

and make sure they don't get eaten?

I'll take care of them.

But it looks like you're not gonna have

any lights for a while longer.

Okay. What are you guys

even doing here? Don't you have a babysitter?

It's Ellen.

Say no more. Okay, get home safe.

I think this is a really weird party.

- Good cake, though. - Yeah.

Am I a bad person if I like seeing other couples fight?

You're a horrible person.

♪

♪

Honey? What's wrong?

Something happened to me.

There's alien activity here,

in Patience. I know it.

What are you gonna do?

The only thing I can do.

I'm gonna call the alien tracker

and tell him to come to Patience

and find himself an alien.

Sorry about that, guys!

Raccoon definitely knocked out the power.

Um, until we figure this out,

I think we should just stay put.

Better call D'arcy. She just left.

Ugh, damn it.

♪

Hey!

- Hey. - Oh.

- Nice rifle.

You headed out to scare up some vittles?

Didn't you hear?

There's a rabid raccoon on the loose.

Good. Maybe it'll bite me.

If I start foaming at the mouth, don't shoot me.

Just...

let me suffer.

Don't listen to anything she says.

It's not true.

Yeah it is, though.

Do you know what my very first thought was

when I met Elliot? - Nice ass?

- Yes. - Yeah.

Do you know what my second thought was?

"How long till I mess this up?"

♪

What the shit is wrong with me?

♪

Okay.

So un-mess it.

Call him. - Yeah, right.

Call him now.

I have a gun.

♪

I'm not calling him.

- Okay, I'll do it. - No.

- Yeah. - No, no, no, no.

- No, no, I'll just do it. - You won't do that, 'cause no,

I'll text him. - I'll call--

Okay, I'll text him! I'll text him.

♪

♪

What do I even say?

Uh, how about "Hi?"

- That's kind of brilliant. - Yeah.

Okay, it's sent.

Ugh! Now I just have to be

nauseous for two weeks waiting to see if he--

Oh, my God.

Hey! Hi.

You're a goddamn genius.

Hi. - Hi.

It's simple. It works.

- Yes. - Hi.

Okay, are you gonna write back?

No. I mean, in a couple days.

What am I, desperate?

Baby, this is for you.

Mmm.

Come and get it!

Oh.

♪

♪

♪

Hello, Harry.

I'm Goliath.

Goliath.

Why are you inside a hybrid alien baby?

Clever, right?

I needed to send you a message,

and this is a big one.

First, you need to know that our people are not coming

to kill everyone. - Why are they not coming?

Because it's too dangerous.

There's an alien race that's planning

to take over the Earth. They're here, Harry.

What alien race?

You must be careful. They are--

Wha--

Ah.

♪

No...

♪

You should've just stayed in Colorado and done your job.

You shot me.

Yeah, like you shot two of my guys in New York.

I should have never made you kill Sam Hodges.

I should have just taken care of it myself.

♪

Asta.

♪

♪

Holy shit.

Harry...

♪ A mile and a half on a bus takes a long time ♪

♪ The odor of old prison food ♪

♪ Takes a long time to pass you by ♪

♪

♪ Day upon day, this wandering gets you down ♪

♪ Nobody gives you a chance or a dollar ♪

♪ In this old town

♪

♪ Hovering silence from you is a giveaway ♪

♪ Squalor and smoke's not your style ♪