Original subtitles

00000!

Slam!

I can't believe it's already Christmas Eve.

We might.

That night.

Oh! You home?

Sweet.

Home. I'm.

Early to wake up with this.

I hope

you hate me.

Having dreams coming into this kingdom tonight.

Well, she. It.

I don't know, mate.

I'm too excited.

This is a lot of hard work.

Yeah,

I don't care.

Okay, well, let's make this official quick

drum roll, please.

It goes nothing.

Whoa!

There's some mighty fine craftsmanship.

You did hear me.

Now, I've modified the sound system with a nuclear accelerator that.

That'll send out sound waves that rock.

And I guess that's one way to put it.

So no one will rock harder than me.

Oh, I don't know.

Say it. Asshole!

No one will rock harder than me.

Fine.

No one will rock harder than you.

Now the things you touch the guitar make.

Now let's go say we try this thing out. Hey.

I put on some earplugs. If I were you.

Fuck off!

Since everybody.

Think

I said nice early so we can wake up with this thing.

It's like the lighting's.

I gotta let down by

the sound.

So my bad.

Stop.

I'm sorry.

Goddamn pop music.

And no ordinary guitar was get for this rock band.

I fucking break it to my mom.

And I have a.

Friend gonna take the planet by storm.

And it all starts now.

Let's go.

That.

Are you ready?

I am ready.

Here I go.

All right.

What do you, Oh.

Hey, how the fuck is that guy?

You skunk!

Fuck you!

Me performance.

I'll show you. Hi. Hi.

What the fuck is wrong with you interrupting me?

Rock set.

What?

What?

Oh, the fuck is wrong with you?

Oh, what do you need to be as loud as I want to?

Cause I rock.

You are a pussy fart.

Hey, Sid,

are you gonna pay me for that guitar?

Look, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize it was going to be as loud as it was.

It's fine. I'm just sick of it.

Why do you let those assholes practice here anyway?

I don't know.

I've known Sid since I was a kid, and it's always nice to have company over

when I'm working on new projects. Projects?

You're a menace.

What do you make here, anyway?

Nuclear bombs.

Actually, it's nuclear bombs.

And yes, in fact, just the other day, I got an order from this guy.

Marchman says he has to blow up an important. Shut up!

I want to hear your life story.

Don't you have any friends?

Hey, do you want to see my new projects?

No. Jesus.

What is it?

I call it a battle pack.

It wasn't used for,

I don't know, battles.

What does it do?

It battles really well, actually.

See, it's powered

by this engine that I designed that uses quarks as an energy source.

What? The caucus of fuck.

I mean, what the caucus are.

I mean, what the fuck?

I mean, what the fuck is work?

What the fuck is a quark?

A cork is a subatomic particle.

When unleashed, it creates a tremendous amount of energy.

I've channeled that power to polarize a steel.

So it's ultra resistant to attack.

And now the battle pack can let new streams of energy that can melt diamond.

I got God, it'll take you mother's basement.

My mom's dead.

Oh, just. My dad lives here.

Oh, he beat me.

Okay.

Hard.

Anyway, I'm thinking of selling my design to the United States Army.

I figured it'd be good.

You know, rooting out terrorists.

Hey, maybe, like, a monument would want one, too.

Yeah. Look,

Animal Planet's got a general ban special on tonight.

I gotta get going. Oh, okay.

Well, again.

Ray, I'm sorry about the noise.

I hope it didn't piss you off.

That's okay.

I get pissed off pretty easily.

Oh, damn.

The alien sensors aboard my spaceship cannot locate this battle pack.

It's the most power, full source of energy in the galaxy.

And I can't locate it with my alien sensors.

Apparently, it leaks out too much interference radiation?

I can only pinpoint its location to a square mile.

But apparently, if my alien scientists aboard this alien spacecraft can work

just a bit harder on on updating our sensors,

I can locate more accurately on where it's at.

We must find this source of energy.

We must use it to destroy the population on this planet.

So we can conquer.

And Ray.

Ray, you see?

Where were you?

Shopping.

What does it look like?

Oh, you were shopping on a Saturday.

Most places close at 5 or 6.

Not 11 at night. I was at a friend's house.

Where are you accusing me of? Oh, nothing.

Nothing at all.

What makes you think I accuse you of something?

You know, Ray, being real fucking sick of your attitude.

You're becoming a real asshole.

I'm becoming an asshole.

What about you?

You've become a fucking whore.

I have to take this.

I don't. You're taking something, all right?

You're taking God. Why don't you have the booze?

You fucking drunk?

The booze is the only thing I have going for me.

What about me, I thought you said you love me.

Go fuck yourself.

Go fuck your mom, you cock sucking whore!

What's this?

I'm caught off guard and saved by a steel mill for this.

Do you really need another sweater?

What is the recipe?

Frank! God damn it, you didn't go that.

You're running up the bill.

For what?

Go to bed, you asshole!

Before I call the fucking police. To.

Fucking bitch!

You're.

Go! I also don't want to talk to.

What?

I don't know.

It doesn't really matter.

What do you think?

Anal probe.

Oh, yeah.

Sure.

What the fuck?

Oh, my God, it's going up. Oh!

Oh, I can't see.

Oh, no.

No! Oh!

Oh my God!

Oh my God! Hey!

Oh. Oh, is all that sensitive alien equipment?

What the fuck's going on here?

Oh, don't touch that.

Oh, fuck.

What about the blue? Oh.

Oh, how much space?

Oh. We're asking.

Price will be really going up.

First we have the space.

Let's run the formulas.

And this table.

We have to be off more quickly.

Where are the buttons?

More. Oh!

So then I realized that if the antiprotons

were reversed, it could double the energy output.

I mean, it was an amazing breakthrough.

Then all the photons all lined up, and it could cause the atoms to fuze

with the application of some mild radiation.

Clock.

Why are you stabbing herself with a fork?

Dunno.

I'm sorry.

I know this must be boring, you know Dax.

I mean, I love to hear what you do, but not really in that kind of detail.

Yeah, sorry. Sometimes I just get excited.

I don't even know what you're talking about, but I can see the results.

I'll never forget the time in the fifth grade

when you stole my name out with the big lasers at the science fair.

Oh, yeah. That.

I mean, you stole it wrong, but still,

it was cute.

So, what have you been up to?

Just studying a lot, I guess.

Neat.

Listen.

Next.

I gotta be over it soon, so I'll see you later, okay?

Oh, okay. Bye.

Talking about science.

I should've told her that.

She smelled nice, and she looked pretty

stupid.

Don't forget to take off my lab coat.

Oh, God.

And I'm wearing my Star Trek shirt.

Taser.

Hey, Julie.

How you doing?

Hey. What's up?

Hey, you visiting that little guy, Dex, Yeah.

He's become quite the scientist, hasn't he?

Yeah, he is.

Yeah. He built me this nuclear guitar.

In fact, I'm going to use this heinous acts on Friday night at my show.

It's gonna rock.

Yeah, I think it'd be most wicked if you came.

Yeah, I'd like that.

Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Yeah.

All right. I'm gonna get going then. Sarah.

I'll see you later. Right.

All right.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll see you later, bro.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

What the fuck?

Here comes the great white hunter stalking his prey at dawn.

He has super intellect, super senses.

He has just dropped his gun.

Wait a minute.

That's not.

You. 000!

Oh my God!

Oh, God! Oh!

The branches!

They hurt.

000000.

Oh, God! Oh my God!

Oh, my fucking God!

Fuck!

Oh, my.

Son of a bitch!

Oh, fuck.

Put that stencil here.

Oh! Oh, my fucking God!

Oh. He.

Has a man that transforms into a beast.

My white whale has reached the water.

That last night you breached the law by.

Bringing. Me.

Here. Oh.

Now, who's being suspicious?

So fuck yourself.

All right?

Go fuck yourself. Okay.

I'm man beast.

You shoot me off, God knows what.

Last night when I came in at 11 p.m..

You've been gone for 24 fucking hours, you asshole.

Not even a phone call, Where were you last night, Where were you?

I woke up in the woods, all right.

I woke up in the fucking woods.

You only allowed for booze.

I wasn't fucking drinking. You can't read.

I woke up with the goddamn woods.

The man beast has a mate.

Why don't I have a mate?

Fucking drinking.

All right.

The fighting.

Maybe you should break up with him.

Maybe you should go out with me.

What part of that don't you understand?

Oh. He transforms.

It will

you just turn into a gorilla?

A what?

You just turned into a fucking gorilla.

I turned into a what?

I bet you still have a few little dick.

Oh, foul thing.

What evil.

God created me.

That's it. I believe it.

Fine, then good riddance.

What is this, a fucking joke?

How did you do that? You're a fucking gorilla.

A gorilla?

I'll see.

What are you talking about? Are you on drugs?

Oh, you're the one that's on drugs. You're insane.

Oh, you feed this habit like life, asshole.

Fine, then good riddance.

Oh, I didn't say that.

I'm not in here

for fucking hate.

Oh! Rick.

I want this power to explode in Japan.

Sir, we've discovered the location of the bottle cap.

You've discovered the location of the vandal pack?

Yes, sir.

But there's a problem.

What is the problem with Japan?

Well, we've only been able to narrow down its location to one square mile.

Oh, this is indeed distressing problem.

I want you to bring five of your best men to the torrent surface

to search for the little track.

Meanwhile, I will still stay here.

Understood, sir. Excellent. What's the matter

with your members?

Let's see your crystal as a reward.

Got some.

Hey, asshole.

You mind if I test out the guitar now?

Yeah, sure.

But only if you promise to wear earplugs this time.

I'm serious about that. Oh, fuck. Ear.

All right, quick, let's do this again.

Give me a piece.

What the.

Oh! Holy shit!

Damn it!

Every fucking body!

I hope.

You're

well?

Yeah. Oh!

Oh! Let's go on up, friends.

Cool.

No better time to test this out than now.

You want to kill some aliens, do I?

No. Oh.

You. Die, man.

Blessed.

Oh! Don't shoot at me!

I'm not the enemy here.

The back may still.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

I saw my cross.

Oh, God.

Oh! Oh.

00000.

Woo woo! Oh,

come down!

You you.

You. You.

Let's go.

Oh! Oh! Oh, my.

Oh, no!

Oh! Have you ever met

with victims of Christianity?

I saved your life. Oh.

I killed it.

The rarest creature on earth.

And I killed it.

What?

Oh! Oh!

Which one of you fuckers wants it?

To be.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

It's you.

Hey! You two!

What the fuck are you doing?

I don't know, shooting these aliens.

Fuck you!

You. Know,

some of you think I seem to have a condition called anger

management disorder.

My girlfriend thinks it's caused by the booze.

I can assure you all, I was a much bigger prick before the booze.

I think you're a big asshole. Listen, you little punk.

A real big asshole in the last 24 hours.

I've woken up in the woods, swollen anus.

My girlfriend just left me saying I turned into a giant gorilla.

This asshole has been chasing me around trying to kill me.

And now, man in obviously bad alien costumes that are running around my house.

And you, piss weasel, seem to have something to do with it.

Now, before I sue every one of you for every fucking time

you've ever made your entire weaselly, little cock sucking lives.

I want to know what is going on.

But you didn't turn into a gorilla.

You did.

Who is this guy?

And why is he dressed up like a safari man?

My name is Jacob Spalding, the African explorer,

greatest hunter of the Union Jack.

I was talking big game in the name of the crown when I saw this accursed man.

Beast.

And tainting the countryside with his curse

of violence and rape.

Rape?

Damn you, man!

Beast!

Wait. Said you're hunting big game.

What big game? Deer.

This is a big game.

I wasn't hunting just deer.

I was trying to shoot pigeons too.

Pigeons are big game either.

I saw a raccoon and a squirrel.

And the very small dog.

I think it was a Scottish terrier.

Those aren't big game either.

What was that about? Rape?

You know, I bit the head off of that once.

Go back to that man beast part.

You were a man beast.

You are a man beast.

Why today, when those men in poor alien costumes laid siege,

you became the very image of Lucifer himself.

Wait, guys, I think those were real aliens.

I mean, I shot their spacecraft.

In fact, if it wasn't for me, we would all be dead right now. So

I think you all need to start treating me with a little more respect and said.

You owe me for that guitar.

Sod off, you piss weasel.

Fuck you, you cock ass nut.

Oh, look at this.

What about the man? Beast?

Man? Beast. I learned about this at Yale.

You see, like the man turning into the legendary werewolf

at the sight of a full moon.

You apparently turn into a gorilla when you get mad,

when you stub your toe on that log in the forest.

You became a simian, an ape, a monkey man,

and ape of superhuman intelligence and strength.

Yeah, right. What?

What the fuck? You see?

You are a man, beast.

Your age is already taking control.

I'm not angry.

I'm not.

I'm okay.

You suck my cock disease.

Are you angry now?

Just screw me.

Toilet paper face turned into an ape.

I want to see it.

Don't make him angry.

Yes, I want to see him turn into a monkey man.

We'll all be slain. Mary. Have mercy. Shut up!

Go fuck yourself! Fuck you, you asshole!

Eat shit!

This is all just a goddamn practical joke.

I'm not playing this game.

I want to see you turn into a fucking fuck.

Fuck is your problem, you son of a bitch!

Oh! Oh, hey. What's this? Is that sauce?

Is this something?

That socialite sauce bottle?

Hey, you know, I like to drink the.

And just because I'm a sauce. So.

You fools.

I'm not sorry.

Don't make me angry.

You look like me when I'm angry.

But I do like you when you're angry.

I two sided, showing my side.

Holy mercy.

It's a man, beast!

Oh, no!

Oh, dude.

Oh, yes! Oh!

Let me out of this cave! Oh, crap.

There goes my bladder.

Oh! Oh, no!

My cordless phone.

Where do.

Okay.

Well, I'm a monkey now.

Oh, we noticed.

Listen, we're going to take off.

Give us a holler if any more aliens show up.

Yeah, right. Come on, mate.

All right, be here with him.

The monkey man.

It's the devil.

The monkey man must be destroyed.

He must be out.

There goes my bladder again.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Don't talk about the aliens or the.

Or the man beast or the laser.

Definitely don't talk about the laser.

Oh, shit. I welcome you.

Hey, Julie.

So, I was thinking we could maybe go to the movies

and catch that new Meg Ryan romantic comedy.

God, I let me to those stupid.

I mean, don't you think?

I guess so I just figured

your girl and, like, crap like that.

I wait, that didn't come out right.

Listen, I have an idea.

Why don't you let me decide what we do tonight?

Okay.

Come on, let's go have some fun.

What?

My friend

guy's a scientist for fags, but I don't know, I just.

It's just my calling, and I'm.

What's he doing here?

Hey, texts.

Invite me to see his band, Electronic Animal play.

I figured you'd want to go because you built his guitar enough

to actually now called superpowered vomit pants.

I thought it was nuclear chipmunk pellets.

Well, it was yesterday, but today I feel superpowered

vomit pants is more the level of maturity I'm trying to go for right?

Not all that interested.

Loud noise isn't really my idea of a good time.

Sex. It's that nice to cause music.

Loud noise.

Well, actually.

Really loud noise is more accurate.

Look, you guys go have a good time.

I'll. I'll figure later.

I said yeah, okay. Come.

All right, let's go.

Come on, let's go.

Hey. Forget him.

He's a little nerd boy.

Well,

hey, I've got only one question for you.

What's that?

Are you ready to rock?

Kind of.

Kind of.

But come on.

I five minutes,

I escape.

I must come up with a cunning plan, O cunning.

Coming.

Coming!

Hey there, sick dickless!

I am not dickless.

I am currently in possession of a dick, even though I don't use it much.

You found this to be evil.

Let me out of these chains.

No, you call me a foul. Beast of evil!

Come back here!

Come back here so that I may slay me. Oh!

My arm!

There I escaped.

My cunning plan is a success.

I'm free!

Oh, hi.

Don't hurt me!

Look, you've been trying to kill me ever since I met you.

What is your problem?

I don't have a problem with you.

I just don't like gorillas.

I've been studying gorillas all my life.

And all of them are evil.

Evil?

Evil.

Look, self trying to kill me.

Why don't you try and help me? It's not like I want to be a goddamn ape.

All right. You.

You know about this? The shit you want to eat with Yale, right?

Actually, I did get my bachelor's degree at Yale in paranormal phenomena.

They have that at Yale?

Well, it was Yale

Community College, right?

No. Yes.

You still know more about the shit than I do.

And what do I do with a get me wood shit.

They strike you to a table.

Probes? What?

No, no, no.

Monkey man is fueled by hate and bourbon

to destroy the evil of Monkey Man within you.

You must destroy your anger management problem.

God, no!

I am so sick of hearing about this anger management crap.

I don't have any fucking anger management issues.

Why don't we people in your anger management bullshit, you fight.

Where does this anger come from?

What are you playing, Mr.

Psychologist now?

Yes, I did my master's degree in psychology.

They have a master's program at community college.

No, no, they don't.

Yeah.

Stop that.

Please humor me.

My delusions keep me sane. Oh, right.

All right.

What do I do?

Touchy feely.

You get to know my inner self thing.

What? Yes.

And I have just the thing.

Oh. Oh,

it's so.

Oh, it's so sad.

Oh, I wish I had a vagina.

Look, this isn't working.

What, you mean you don't cry?

I don't get sad.

I only get pissed off when I feel like coffee.

I get pissed off when my car breaks down.

I get pissed off when my whole family died in a garbage compactor accident.

I got really pissed off. Oh.

Our problem may stem from this.

Tell me about your mother.

Have you devised a plan to capture the battle suit?

Well, sir, we've already discovered that any attack will be futile.

So you get some ideas.

We've been watching something humans call movies.

Movies? Yes.

Moving images that are a form of entertainment.

They are an invaluable source of information.

And humans act.

We've discovered one method always seems to work in situations like this.

What's that?

We have to kidnap his girlfriend.

Excellent.

Ha ha ha ha!

Well. Oh!

Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow

ow ow ow

ow ow ow ow

ow ow ow ow!

Calm your spirit.

Clear your mind of all thoughts,

especially ones of violence and anger.

Ow! Ow!

Ow! You are not saying ohm

correctly. Ow!

What do you want from your life?

What do I want from my life?

What a generic fucking question.

You know what I want in life.

I want some fucking closure for once, all right?

I mean, my my my family died in that trash compactor accident.

They never caught that garbage truck driver who did it

for me.

They fired me at work, and they never told me why.

My girlfriend left me over the gorilla thing.

No, no.

Keep your eyes closed.

Keep meditating.

Oh, sorry. I'm,

Anyway, that's.

I think that's where my problem comes from.

Having so many of these inconclusive loose ends, nine away at me.

A feeling of UN resolution is like a weasel clenching your soul.

You must seek out that feeling through meditation.

Find the source of it and release it.

Okay. Here goes.

I see a river

there, bears grazing in the distance

I feel calm,

a sense of personal peace, of pacification.

There's a sense of satisfaction flowing through me like water.

I feel,

I feel enlightened,

I feel like there's this great weight that's been lifted off my soul.

I feel, oh my God, there's a fucking last on

I want you wanna fuck, don't destroy.

If you destroy.

Oh, it's all gonna be wasted.

Marianne.

Mercy, I can't see shit.

There are.

Oh, fuck!

There.

You are.

Christ!

Oh! Oh!

So where's the rest of your band?

Band?

Oh, I only had a drummer, and he died.

It's okay with this guitar.

I'll please any audience.

Hey. Syd's here.

Sorry, babe.

This door's for performance only.

You left to go round in the front with the rest of the scum.

That's cool.

Listen, I'm sorry.

Your rock breaking arm.

You mean break a leg?

What?

Hi, Julie.

I changed my mind. One second.

We need to talk.

Hey, what's with you?

Trying to steal my girl? She's not your girl.

She's not your girl either. Oh, shit.

Ever since we were kids, you've been picking on me.

I'm not going to put up with it anymore.

Fuck you. It's fun to pick on you.

Oh, that's your solution?

Everything, isn't it? Fuck you. Yeah.

Wait. We're dealing

with that alien took her.

Did you see?

Oh, why did you try and stop him?

Stop!

Who are you? Alien.

Okay.

Oh, hey, where are you going?

We've tried everything.

I can't think of any way to cure you.

You're one pissed off little monkey.

Monkey? God damn monkey.

I can think of only one final solution.

Hookers,

hookers.

Hookers.

Hookers.

What should we do?

Top and bottom.

No, that's too predictable,

Tag team?

Nah, not exciting enough.

How about slip and slip ups around backwards?

Strap on side when suddenly backs?

But that defies the gravity.

But I'm a bad girl.

I like to break the law. Oh.

Oh, oh, whoa, whoa.

Back to oh, baby.

000000.

I think I'm fucking cured.

Hey, hey, where you going?

To save Julie.

She's been kidnaped.

Who's Julie?

What are you going to do?

I don't know, shoot the bastards.

I guess.

She's.

I wish that I give up the battle pack

and we will return your girl friend.

But she's not even his girlfriend.

In fact, last night we saw Ellen last night.

What?

I will turn her brain into mashed potatoes.

You will not.

I will too.

Did he say mashed potatoes?

Hey, how do you turn a brain into a mashed potato?

If you could do that, you wouldn't need a battle suit, would you, asshole?

Perhaps this shocking image will help change your mind.

Hey, hey! Let me.

Okay, fine.

Just.

You can have the battle pack.

Just please don't hurt her.

Excellent.

Okay, you have the battle pack.

Now bring Julie back.

Go fuck yourself.

What a dickhead.

Hurry up, hurry up!

Attach the power pack to our weapons systems.

With power like that, we can blast the shit

out of this whole fucking planet

now! No!

Hook the red one to the secondary hole.

No no no no no no no no.

The blue one goes there and the red one goes there.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, Jesus! God damn it! Look.

No no no no no no. That one. Okay okay, okay.

You kind of got it. Now.

Now I have to.

The electrons will flow that way.

They've got to throw the positrons back that way.

Oh, Jesus.

Right now.

Okay. Oh, you're getting there. There you go.

You got to hooked up now. Good work guys.

That'll do it. That'll do it. You can.

All right, now

aim the blasters at the city and blow the fuck

out of the city of.

You. You know, I've really hit the spot.

I mean, that really, really hit the spot.

Hookers usually do.

That's why they're called hookers.

Wait, that doesn't make sense.

I think I just had a lot of sexual frustration add up.

You know, the point is, I'm feeling perfectly calm.

Right now. I'm not angry at all.

Normally, your irritating voice be driving me up.

Oh, what?

I'm fine.

My voice isn't irritating. See?

I'm perfectly fine. What?

You cured me, Jacob.

You son of a bitch!

What?

What?

Well, everything is just perfect now.

Aliens have my girlfriend and my breakthrough scientific experiment.

The most destructive weapon on the planet.

And you. You, my friend.

Since we were kids, I will do a super guitar, apparently for free, I guess.

And how do you repay me?

By trying to steal my girlfriend.

She's not even your girlfriend. Shut up!

Oh, shut up yourself, you wanker!

Maybe if you had the balls to tell her how you really felt,

she would be your girlfriend.

Until then, I consider her fair game.

You don't want said you're an asshole.

Oh, an asshole really?

Fuck yourself.

What the hell is that?

It's that.

Oh, no.

They're going to shoot lasers down in the city, aren't they?

What are they going to be so predictable?

All. Out!

Oh, shit.

Come on.

We've got to do something.

Let someone else do it.

Come on. No!

You're terrible.

This storm is all that can save us. Now.

I don't haven't got it.

We've got to save the city.

Use your fucking powers.

What monkey powers?

I don't know, is through bases, atom,

let the government deal with this. Jacob.

Come on, relax.

Have some fun. I'm going to get some more hookers.

Come on.

No more hookers.

You've had enough hookers.

You fool!

You see?

Oh, shit.

There goes the planet.

Where's my jacket?

You took my jacket, you son of a bitch!

You the guns!

They stopped.

Was that a Star Wars reference?

I don't think so.

What the fuck?

Hello?

Hi. Hello.

Hello.

Listen, I'm going to go ahead and apologize for attacking your city.

It wasn't the brightest idea.

I don't know why you're like.

You give two flying fucks.

I could have really continued

to lay waste to this entire planet with the power that battle pack contained.

Much kudos to you for inventing it.

Nice work. Really.

It's a great scientific invention.

I would have thought of it myself if I wasn't so stupid.

Thanks, I guess, but what happened to it?

Did a break.

Well.

Not exactly.

Well, then what happened?

Yeah. Why did you stop attacking?

Not that we wanted you to continue or anything.

Well,

someone kind of took the battle pack from us.

Someone who has a lot more to gain from its power source than we do.

Carrot Top.

Oh, God. No.

Then who?

Just tell us his name is Salem. Oh.

Yeah.

I really hate to do this to you and all, but we've got to go.

This is a problem best left to your own Christian beliefs.

But I'm Jewish. I'm agnostic.

I'm a Hindu.

I'm a Democrat.

We're aliens.

We don't believe in God.

Well, I do believe in a God.

His name is. Nigga.

Look at me.

You know, God, it's much easier to say the clips.

Nigga, look at me.

Not one.

Look, whatever the fuck you are, we're leaving.

Hey, wait.

What?

What what happened to Julie?

Oh, Satan took her to,

Hey, my girlfriend keeps getting kidnaped.

She's not your girlfriend, mate.

In fact, last night, me and upset.

Oh, fuck off, you little ninny twit.

You're nothing but a little girl in bed and glasses.

Why don't you stick a nuclear bomb up your nuclear ass?

Now get out of here.

Sorry about all this big mess and all, but go get that battle pack back.

Guess together, we'll steal it from you again.

What the fuck off!

We go.

Oh, what is this?

What's going on?

Whose apartment are we in?

Who's that guy?

Who are you guys?

Go fuck yourself.

I wonder if that transporter beam will give us cancer.

Probably.

Somebody else for the music.

This music sucks.

Quiet! You fools!

Don't call me a fool.

I'm smarter than you are. You?

Jesus Christ superstar!

That's right.

He looks shorter in person.

Dax, I know you meant well by creating the ultimate weapon of death.

But mankind was never meant to interfere with subatomic particles.

That's strictly a God only thing.

But God gave us minds with the ability to question and learn.

That's right.

And no one ever said what was and wasn't a God only thing.

It's in the Bible.

No it isn't.

Yes it is.

No it isn't.

Yes it is.

Oh it isn't.

I think it is.

But what are we to do. Oh Lord.

The rain can no longer turn into a gorilla since he fucked those dirty whores.

Dex obliviously doesn't have a spacesuit.

I'm a total pansy

and the other guy doesn't even have his guitar.

What do you do with that guitar, by the way?

Oh, that. I smashed it at my last show.

It's a blooming set.

Not the crikey on the stage.

You watch that guitar cost $37,000.

I don't care how much it cost me.

The set was rockin.

Say, do you think you could build me a new one?

You know.

Anyway, the point is, we can't save the world.

We suck.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Pretty much. I hate all of you.

You may not have your weapons, but you can defeat him

by using your hearts and minds.

What?

What hearts?

What minds?

What the fuck are you talking about?

No weapons.

What the fuck are we supposed to use?

Curse words? Don't swear.

Jesus said just stop the fallen angel of darkness or Humana.

You will perish.

I can grant you access to his land.

But I cannot help you.

It's too fucking hot.

All right, gentlemen,

let's go home and do this thing in the morning.

Yeah.

Oh, you mind if I squat here, mate,

I don't care, it's not my house.

I'm. I'm.

I'm. I'm.

So. Yep.

I'm finally in hell.

Yeah.

What does it look like?

A cheesy special effects.

How they shit.

What's that?

Silence.

Foolish humans.

Little did you know that you had unlocked

the final mystery of the universe

through infinite power.

The unlocking of the secret pad as well.

What the fuck is a clock?

So now I will destroy all of the wall

and I will run on. Oh,

it's so fucking hot in here.

I will destroy this world.

I'll call at once and for all,

conquering the earth be a moot point after you've destroyed it.

We don't time the devil start. Oh!

Julie!

Dad, are you okay? Did he hurt you?

Cause the army, the devil, all of you, just drop.

Oh, fuck.

This is terrible.

Oh, it's times like this.

I wish I were a real man.

Oh, you've got to do something. Why me?

Because, Dex is a little pussy.

My gun doesn't work, and the other guy's totally useless.

C go fuck yourselves.

No! Go fuck with yourself, you little hippie.

Fuck you!

Everybody knows that other guy's useless.

Well, you need one useless member in every superhero team.

I thought it was you, actually.

Is it me?

What? What? We're a superhero team.

Yes. God, we're like the worst superhero team ever.

I don't even give a shit.

And I'm a total fan, man.

Oh, well, please use your monkey powers to save the day.

I can't use my monkey powers anymore.

I'm too fucking.

Come look, we're in hell.

You know what they say.

Abandon all hope you enter here.

I've earned a spot.

I'm just gonna relax and enjoy it as much as I possibly can.

Jacob,

come on down into the.

Hey, you fagot on!

Oh, don't hit me, you homosexual!

Oh, fuck you! Oh!

Screw you!

Satan! Stop being a bitch!

Give me back the battle pack, girl!

You know what?

I'll.

I'll.

Fuck you, dad.

I mean, Satan.

Oh, God.

Oh, pop up.

Nobody ever hits me like that, Jacob.

Well, I did.

Don't you ever hit me like that again. Why not?

Because I don't like it when people hit me.

I don't like it when people hit me either.

Maybe I should.

I should hit you again just to show you what it's like.

You stupid piece of shit.

You hit me if I hit you.

What do you. Tim.

Denise, call this an argument?

Fuck you wants it.

Let me hit show you what an argument is.

Getting a bit fucking hot. Narrate it.

You suck as well.

Fuck you, you fuck!

Is your problem right here? Fuck both of you.

Oh, no one cares about you. You're just a moron.

Fuck you, fuck you!

Why don't you fuck yourself? Oh! Oh, fuck!

Oh, I can't not.

You can fuck me.

Fairy me.

Hey, you painted it pink. Back you go.

Oh this boy, this look 200 don't need another man with you queer punk.

Walk you out

you go.

Okay, you fuck, you dumb stance.

I hope you all get hit by cars.

Many cars from many different directions.

I'm going to rape

every last member of your family while wiping their shit off the wall.

It's so fine for some fuckers.

Get out of my face,

you asshole!

Guys, you might not like.

Ass! Oh, you stop him!

Oh my God, I hate you.

I hate your guts.

What can you do? Dumb asshole! You're great hair.

Here, I play your guitar.

You're stupid. Do man band.

You think you're ever gonna go anywhere in life?

You son of a bitch!

God, I can't stand being stuck in hell with you down.

I hate every day I feel something one day.

Yeah.

There's days.

How? And I get that. You motherfucker.

Fuck you! Fuck everything.

I just don't die anymore.

I know I'll get God. I'll.

Holy shit.

Monkey man's gonna fight Satan. Oh!

Look at that.

Cosmic clash of the Titans. We.

How? Foolish humans.

You thought you could stop me

with your pathetic monkey powers?

I am Satan,

I'm the ultimate badass.

Julie. Yes, that's.

Since we're both going to probably die and be tortured forever.

I just wanted to say that.

That I love you, Dex.

I love you, too.

I always loved you

for keeping of.

Oh, wow.

Don't feel.

Oh. That's

so fucking stupid.

Oh, God.

Praise.

Let's get the hell out of here.

What about all of the millions of tortured souls?

Fuck them. Let's go.

Oh, my fucking brave.

The rarest find of all.

Now stay still.

This may hurt a lot.

You're all.

Oh! My glasses!

Oh! We're here.

Where are we? We did it!

We destroyed hell, but we're around.

The murderers and rapists go.

Well, I don't know about the murders,

the rapist, but the whores can come to my place.

Hahahahaha!

000, those

wacky, wacky whores.

Say everybody, I think I hit my head.

What in hell? Go! What happened?

You were home when Dex proclaimed his love for Julie.

Deep in the bowels of hell.

He defeated Satan with the greatest superpower

of all true love.

I feel like singing.

That's so stupid and clichéd.

Fuck you and fuck this.

I'm going to start my punk band.

I should leave as well.

I've got a trophy to mount.

Good luck. You do.

And I've got you.

Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow.

Julie,

I know things have been weird, but everything's going to be all right now.

You've met me at a very strange time in my life

without a fight club reference.

I don't think so.

You.