Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,904 --> 00:00:04,841
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,842 --> 00:00:08,048
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,049 --> 00:00:11,755
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,756 --> 00:00:14,727
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,728 --> 00:00:18,168
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,169 --> 00:00:21,608
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,609 --> 00:00:23,278
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,279 --> 00:00:24,581
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,582 --> 00:00:29,825
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy. ♪
10
00:00:36,940 --> 00:00:39,410
Hey, Meg, what's with
the cupcakes?
11
00:00:39,411 --> 00:00:40,679
I'm celebrating.
12
00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:42,349
Oh, last night I had my period
13
00:00:42,350 --> 00:00:44,487
or miscarriage. Not sure which.
14
00:00:44,488 --> 00:00:46,960
Either way, happy un-birthday.
15
00:00:51,335 --> 00:00:53,705
Where's my phone?
I got to text Patty
16
00:00:53,706 --> 00:00:55,509
and let her know
she can have half of these
17
00:00:55,510 --> 00:00:57,013
for her cat's funeral.
18
00:00:58,582 --> 00:01:00,552
Coltrane's wake is gonna be lit.
19
00:01:00,553 --> 00:01:03,626
Pics to follow.
20
00:01:04,628 --> 00:01:07,032
What the hell? What happened?
21
00:01:07,033 --> 00:01:08,235
[phone chimes]
22
00:01:11,075 --> 00:01:13,578
Hey, Meg, no turkey dinner
is complete
23
00:01:13,579 --> 00:01:16,584
without a little
under-nut squash.
24
00:01:16,585 --> 00:01:19,290
[cackles]
25
00:01:19,291 --> 00:01:21,495
What a jerk.
26
00:01:25,737 --> 00:01:28,408
Oh, well. Time to go transport
a Texas resident
27
00:01:28,409 --> 00:01:30,246
to her reproductive
health appointment.
28
00:01:37,661 --> 00:01:39,397
Okay, Brian,
let's play another round
29
00:01:39,398 --> 00:01:41,668
of my favorite game:
read Lois' mail
30
00:01:41,669 --> 00:01:43,605
and laugh at her sad life.
31
00:01:43,606 --> 00:01:45,809
Uhp, fall Lane Bryant catalog.
32
00:01:45,810 --> 00:01:47,847
Looks like we'll be getting
some cranberry pants
33
00:01:47,848 --> 00:01:49,250
in the mail.
34
00:01:49,251 --> 00:01:50,752
"Fertility Bank of New England."
35
00:01:50,753 --> 00:01:52,556
Oh, this one I've got to see.
36
00:01:52,557 --> 00:01:55,162
"Dear Lois Pewterschmidt,
thank you again
37
00:01:55,163 --> 00:01:58,936
"for your compensated donation
of ten eggs in 1997.
38
00:01:58,937 --> 00:02:02,042
"This letter is to inform you
that the nine remaining eggs
39
00:02:02,043 --> 00:02:04,380
have been destroyed
for lack of interest."
40
00:02:04,381 --> 00:02:05,583
What? Let me see that.
41
00:02:05,584 --> 00:02:07,053
Oh, this is so perfect.
42
00:02:07,054 --> 00:02:09,857
The old slag literally
sold her body for money.
43
00:02:09,858 --> 00:02:11,595
All right, let's not judge her.
44
00:02:11,596 --> 00:02:13,165
She was trying to earn
a little extra money in college
45
00:02:13,166 --> 00:02:15,001
and I wonder what
human eggs taste like.
46
00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:17,139
Wait a second.
47
00:02:17,140 --> 00:02:18,809
The nine remaining eggs?
48
00:02:18,810 --> 00:02:20,914
Lois donated ten eggs.
49
00:02:20,915 --> 00:02:22,617
If there were nine remaining,
that means
50
00:02:22,618 --> 00:02:24,220
one of them was used?
51
00:02:24,221 --> 00:02:26,658
Hate how much I want to try
human eggs right now.
52
00:02:26,659 --> 00:02:29,430
Brian, listen:
I have a lost half-sibling.
53
00:02:29,431 --> 00:02:31,801
He or she is just
out there someplace.
54
00:02:31,802 --> 00:02:34,040
Why, I haven't been this shocked
since Chris showed me
55
00:02:34,041 --> 00:02:35,075
his jack-in-the-box.
56
00:02:35,076 --> 00:02:38,081
Chris, what did you do
to this box?
57
00:02:38,082 --> 00:02:41,155
It's not called
a "jack elsewhere."
58
00:02:45,297 --> 00:02:47,032
Oh, it's Master.
Here, Master.
59
00:02:47,033 --> 00:02:49,804
Master may change the TV
to a channel that pleases her.
60
00:02:49,805 --> 00:02:51,607
Uh, what's going on?
61
00:02:51,608 --> 00:02:53,611
Master's latest
social media post
62
00:02:53,612 --> 00:02:55,215
has become popular
on the Internet,
63
00:02:55,216 --> 00:02:57,219
so now Master rules the family.
64
00:02:57,220 --> 00:02:58,354
What are you talking about?
65
00:02:58,355 --> 00:03:00,025
[phone chimes]
66
00:03:00,026 --> 00:03:01,061
Oh, my God!
67
00:03:02,966 --> 00:03:06,004
This cupcake video
got 20,000 likes.
68
00:03:06,005 --> 00:03:09,143
Only likes matter.
Likes rule all.
69
00:03:09,144 --> 00:03:11,882
Wow, look at all these comments.
People are saying
70
00:03:11,883 --> 00:03:14,955
I should get Chris a
FansOnly page. What's FansOnly?
71
00:03:14,956 --> 00:03:18,528
It's a fetish website
where amateurs post racy videos
72
00:03:18,529 --> 00:03:20,399
that subscribers pay to see.
73
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:22,938
Wait, people would pay money
74
00:03:22,939 --> 00:03:25,376
to watch a husky teen
sit on food?
75
00:03:25,377 --> 00:03:28,048
Oh, yeah. Very much so.
76
00:03:32,591 --> 00:03:35,296
Um, would you be interested?
77
00:03:35,297 --> 00:03:36,597
I could set everything up
78
00:03:36,598 --> 00:03:37,700
and handle
the administrative side.
79
00:03:37,701 --> 00:03:40,872
You could just sit on stuff.
We'd split the profits.
80
00:03:40,873 --> 00:03:42,410
You think
you're the first person
81
00:03:42,411 --> 00:03:44,580
to pitch me
a crush fetish website?
82
00:03:44,581 --> 00:03:46,852
Go get a business plan,
some seed capital
83
00:03:46,853 --> 00:03:48,888
and an S-Corp registered
in the state of Delaware
84
00:03:48,889 --> 00:03:51,628
and then maybe we'll talk.
85
00:03:51,629 --> 00:03:54,700
♪ Not everything has to be ♪
86
00:03:54,701 --> 00:03:56,939
♪ A montage ♪
87
00:03:56,940 --> 00:04:00,346
♪ Meg filling out
a bunch of forms ♪
88
00:04:00,347 --> 00:04:03,351
♪ Is not very interesting ♪
89
00:04:03,352 --> 00:04:05,255
♪ But the guy who drew this ♪
90
00:04:05,256 --> 00:04:07,459
♪ Worked very hard ♪
91
00:04:07,460 --> 00:04:08,930
♪ So we don't have the heart ♪
92
00:04:08,931 --> 00:04:10,700
♪ To cut it now ♪
93
00:04:11,502 --> 00:04:13,004
♪ Especially since that guy ♪
94
00:04:13,005 --> 00:04:15,842
♪ Recently lost custody ♪
95
00:04:15,843 --> 00:04:19,651
♪ Of his children. ♪
96
00:04:19,652 --> 00:04:21,990
- I'm in.
- [gasps]
97
00:04:25,931 --> 00:04:28,101
Rupert, I can't stop
thinking about the fact
98
00:04:28,102 --> 00:04:30,139
that I've got a sibling
out there someplace.
99
00:04:30,140 --> 00:04:32,076
So, today I will
hack into the world's
100
00:04:32,077 --> 00:04:34,113
most sophisticated
surveillance networks,
101
00:04:34,114 --> 00:04:36,151
scan for Pewterschmidt
DNA markers
102
00:04:36,152 --> 00:04:38,555
from Lois' donated egg,
locate my comrade,
103
00:04:38,556 --> 00:04:41,395
- and together, we shall be unstopa...
- [FaceTime ringing]
104
00:04:42,531 --> 00:04:45,803
Stewie!
Tell Mommy that Daddy fell!
105
00:04:45,804 --> 00:04:48,042
[audio cutting out]
106
00:04:49,511 --> 00:04:51,448
Aha. We have a match.
107
00:04:52,919 --> 00:04:54,687
In Cambridge, Massachusetts.
108
00:04:54,688 --> 00:04:57,059
Of course.
Someone sharing my DNA
109
00:04:57,060 --> 00:05:00,299
may well be a scholar
at Harvard or MIT.
110
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,400
Or Tufts.
111
00:05:01,401 --> 00:05:05,576
Oh, come on, the SAT
is not biased against bears.
112
00:05:05,577 --> 00:05:07,580
Jewish bears?
You're Jewish?
113
00:05:07,581 --> 00:05:09,183
No, it's fine, it's just...
114
00:05:09,184 --> 00:05:11,254
it's just the kind of thing
you tell someone.
115
00:05:11,255 --> 00:05:13,325
♪
116
00:05:21,842 --> 00:05:23,278
Supposedly,
one of these eggheads
117
00:05:23,279 --> 00:05:26,184
is my brother or sister, Rupert.
But which one?
118
00:05:26,185 --> 00:05:28,121
And how will we find each other?
119
00:05:28,122 --> 00:05:30,426
Perhaps we share mannerisms.
120
00:05:30,427 --> 00:05:32,897
Hey, "Damn you all." Yeah?
121
00:05:32,898 --> 00:05:35,769
"Curse you, vile woman."
Am I right?
122
00:05:35,770 --> 00:05:38,742
"Victory shall be mine"?
You know? Anything?
123
00:05:38,743 --> 00:05:40,412
That was big in the '90s.
124
00:05:40,413 --> 00:05:42,149
[sighs]
I don't understand.
125
00:05:42,150 --> 00:05:45,055
My genius Harvard sibling
should be right here.
126
00:05:45,056 --> 00:05:47,292
[laughing]
127
00:05:47,293 --> 00:05:49,730
[Boston accent] Eat my wizz,
you Harvard fruit bags.
128
00:05:49,731 --> 00:05:51,201
[zips]
129
00:05:53,572 --> 00:05:55,509
Oh, my God, that must be him.
130
00:05:55,510 --> 00:05:56,678
And, hey, don't do that.
131
00:05:56,679 --> 00:05:58,182
Harvard is a respected institution
132
00:05:58,183 --> 00:06:00,352
that only produces
our nation's finest.
133
00:06:00,353 --> 00:06:04,060
♪ The boys are back in town,
the boys are back in town ♪
134
00:06:06,098 --> 00:06:09,803
♪ I said the boys
are back in town. ♪
135
00:06:09,804 --> 00:06:11,340
Our apologies to the Unabomber.
136
00:06:11,341 --> 00:06:12,877
It was a cheap shot
to include him.
137
00:06:19,357 --> 00:06:21,594
[Boston accent] So you and me
got some of the same DNA
138
00:06:21,595 --> 00:06:23,331
on account of your mom sold off
139
00:06:23,332 --> 00:06:24,167
her inside parts?
140
00:06:24,168 --> 00:06:26,671
- Dude, that's bizarre.
- Mm, quite.
141
00:06:26,672 --> 00:06:28,475
Yeah, my mom didn't like
how I came out,
142
00:06:28,476 --> 00:06:29,744
so she left me in an orphanage,
143
00:06:29,745 --> 00:06:31,314
but nobody was adopting me,
so screw that.
144
00:06:31,315 --> 00:06:33,351
Got out of there,
moved under the Fenway stands.
145
00:06:33,352 --> 00:06:35,322
I survive on racist
bleacher farts.
146
00:06:35,323 --> 00:06:37,026
That's great.
Now, I don't suppose you have
147
00:06:37,027 --> 00:06:38,861
a hidden cache
of advanced weaponry
148
00:06:38,862 --> 00:06:40,599
and plans for global conquest?
149
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:41,867
Nah, but you know what I do got?
150
00:06:41,868 --> 00:06:44,340
A list of five movies
that I cry at the end of.
151
00:06:44,341 --> 00:06:45,842
Number one, Braveheart.
152
00:06:45,843 --> 00:06:47,947
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, that one gets me.
153
00:06:47,948 --> 00:06:49,150
That gets me.
154
00:06:49,151 --> 00:06:50,920
Uh, number two, Scarface, I cry.
155
00:06:50,921 --> 00:06:53,124
Guy builds up the whole empire
and just dies, right?
156
00:06:53,125 --> 00:06:55,061
Uh, number three, Dodgeball.
157
00:06:55,062 --> 00:06:57,199
Everybody looks past those guys.
Nobody believed in 'em.
158
00:06:57,200 --> 00:06:58,235
Couldn't catch for nothing.
159
00:06:58,335 --> 00:07:01,007
I tell you, Justin Long...
he couldn't catch a cold
160
00:07:01,008 --> 00:07:03,379
and still they win the thing,
you know? Here I go.
161
00:07:09,424 --> 00:07:11,894
Camera's rolling.
You can go when you're ready.
162
00:07:11,895 --> 00:07:14,433
Welcome, FansOnly subscribers.
163
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:17,673
My dad fell in the shower,
so we kinda need the money.
164
00:07:17,674 --> 00:07:18,808
[grunts]
165
00:07:18,809 --> 00:07:20,813
Ah. Thank you.
166
00:07:20,814 --> 00:07:22,850
Wow. That was great.
167
00:07:22,851 --> 00:07:25,188
- How was that for you?
- It was amazing.
168
00:07:25,189 --> 00:07:28,161
We just created art
in front of our fans.
169
00:07:28,162 --> 00:07:30,633
I wonder if this is how
French pointillist painter
170
00:07:30,634 --> 00:07:32,436
Georges Seurat felt.
171
00:07:32,437 --> 00:07:35,275
[all] Oh...
172
00:07:35,276 --> 00:07:37,313
Yeah!
173
00:07:37,314 --> 00:07:40,485
Oh...
174
00:07:40,486 --> 00:07:41,821
Yeah!
175
00:07:41,822 --> 00:07:43,491
No way. Orange.
176
00:07:43,492 --> 00:07:44,760
Orange, you guys.
177
00:07:44,761 --> 00:07:47,399
Oh...
178
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:49,437
Yeah!
179
00:07:49,438 --> 00:07:50,772
Seurat! Seurat! Seurat!
180
00:07:50,773 --> 00:07:52,945
What did I miss?
Were the dots tiny?
181
00:07:52,946 --> 00:07:55,182
Oh, my God, so tiny.
182
00:07:57,988 --> 00:07:59,657
All right, here's my house.
See?
183
00:07:59,658 --> 00:08:00,792
Anyway, it's been nice
to meet you,
184
00:08:00,793 --> 00:08:01,962
but I'm very busy today.
185
00:08:01,963 --> 00:08:03,698
No way. How come your house
ain't attached
186
00:08:03,699 --> 00:08:05,168
to two other houses
on either side?
187
00:08:05,169 --> 00:08:06,737
There can be just one house?
188
00:08:06,738 --> 00:08:07,873
Um, I guess.
189
00:08:07,874 --> 00:08:09,109
And where's your American flag
190
00:08:09,110 --> 00:08:10,645
but with blue stripes for cops?
191
00:08:10,646 --> 00:08:11,748
I don't know, man, but listen,
192
00:08:11,749 --> 00:08:13,251
you can stay for just
a few minutes.
193
00:08:13,252 --> 00:08:14,955
No way, you got crazy straws?
194
00:08:14,956 --> 00:08:16,424
No, no, no,
those are the fat man's.
195
00:08:16,425 --> 00:08:19,196
He likes to pretend his juice
is on a roller coaster.
196
00:08:19,197 --> 00:08:21,000
I don't care, I'm using one.
197
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:22,904
All right, Capri Suns,
198
00:08:22,905 --> 00:08:25,776
who's ready to ride
Thunder Mountain?
199
00:08:26,478 --> 00:08:28,448
Stewie, what the hell
are you doing?
200
00:08:28,449 --> 00:08:30,885
You know the crazy straws
are only for Daddy.
201
00:08:30,886 --> 00:08:32,924
- Up yours, old man.
- That's it.
202
00:08:32,925 --> 00:08:34,660
I'd give you the belt,
but I wore
203
00:08:34,661 --> 00:08:36,297
a 1990s braided belt today,
204
00:08:36,298 --> 00:08:38,902
and I like how it makes me
look like Blossom's dad.
205
00:08:38,903 --> 00:08:40,305
Yeah?
How about I give you the belt?
206
00:08:40,306 --> 00:08:42,208
- Aah! Stop it! You're hurting me.
- Yeah, take that.
207
00:08:42,209 --> 00:08:44,413
I'll drink out of any straw
I want, you piece of crap.
208
00:08:44,414 --> 00:08:46,050
- You hear me?
- I need that belt.
209
00:08:46,051 --> 00:08:48,521
I'm taking my LinkedIn photo later.
210
00:08:48,522 --> 00:08:50,559
[whimpering]
211
00:08:51,562 --> 00:08:53,698
Hmm. Turns out this thug
212
00:08:53,699 --> 00:08:55,268
may actually be useful to me.
213
00:08:55,269 --> 00:08:56,504
Well, isn't that a surprise?
214
00:08:56,505 --> 00:08:59,277
Like the Japanese attack
on David Harbour.
215
00:09:00,113 --> 00:09:02,182
Hi, Kenji Mifune, Tokyo Daily.
216
00:09:02,183 --> 00:09:05,556
Why do you always look like
you just woke up in a dumpster?
217
00:09:09,965 --> 00:09:11,834
All right, Rupert,
time to make use
218
00:09:11,835 --> 00:09:13,838
of that crude Boston
body double.
219
00:09:13,839 --> 00:09:14,841
Here we go.
220
00:09:14,842 --> 00:09:16,611
Lois, I'd like to request
221
00:09:16,612 --> 00:09:17,947
a later bedtime, please.
222
00:09:17,948 --> 00:09:19,550
I'm a big boy now, and I think
223
00:09:19,551 --> 00:09:20,953
I can make it to 6:45.
224
00:09:20,954 --> 00:09:22,789
Go away, Stewie,
Mommy's looking at
225
00:09:22,790 --> 00:09:24,694
real estate listings
and dreaming of
226
00:09:24,695 --> 00:09:26,130
any life other than this.
227
00:09:26,131 --> 00:09:29,370
I see. All right, then.
228
00:09:33,379 --> 00:09:36,585
- [furniture crashing, glass breaking]
- [Lois crying out]
229
00:09:38,389 --> 00:09:40,725
Your new bedtime
is whenever you [bleep] want.
230
00:09:40,726 --> 00:09:44,334
Splendid! I also have
a school-related task for you.
231
00:09:47,140 --> 00:09:49,743
Um, class, I-I know
Teacher Jeremy said
232
00:09:49,744 --> 00:09:52,950
everyone would get a turn
as classroom Star of the Week,
233
00:09:52,951 --> 00:09:55,622
but new plan.
Uh, Stewie will now be
234
00:09:55,623 --> 00:09:56,926
Star of the Week every week.
235
00:09:56,927 --> 00:10:00,331
Also, instead of circle time,
we're just gonna watch TV dramas
236
00:10:00,332 --> 00:10:02,102
where Dennis Leary
plays a fireman.
237
00:10:02,103 --> 00:10:04,340
That's a pretty smart cookie,
that teacher Jeremy.
238
00:10:04,341 --> 00:10:07,179
But right now we're gonna
do show and tell.
239
00:10:07,180 --> 00:10:08,314
Who wants to go fir...
240
00:10:08,315 --> 00:10:10,318
Stewie. Uh, let's do Stewie.
241
00:10:10,319 --> 00:10:12,456
Oh, God, I don't got
nothing prepared.
242
00:10:12,457 --> 00:10:14,326
Let me see what I got
in my pockets here.
243
00:10:14,327 --> 00:10:17,366
Um, here's a Cumberland Farms
reward card.
244
00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:19,269
Shotgun shell
full of shark teeth.
245
00:10:19,270 --> 00:10:21,341
Donnie Wahlberg's
actual cigar cutter,
246
00:10:21,342 --> 00:10:23,811
key card for my ex-girlfriend's
parking garage.
247
00:10:23,812 --> 00:10:25,315
Zippo lighter I got in Cancun.
248
00:10:25,316 --> 00:10:26,551
I friggin' love Cancun.
249
00:10:26,552 --> 00:10:27,653
I don't know why
you'd go anywhere else.
250
00:10:27,654 --> 00:10:31,060
Uh, flat, dry condom
in case Charlene's ovulating.
251
00:10:31,061 --> 00:10:32,563
Uh, clipping
of a newspaper story
252
00:10:32,564 --> 00:10:34,467
where I'm quoted
about a house fire.
253
00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:36,337
And a bloody shoe
from the Marathon bombing
254
00:10:36,338 --> 00:10:38,107
I keep in a Caldor's bag
in my closet.
255
00:10:38,108 --> 00:10:39,677
Any questions?
256
00:10:52,337 --> 00:10:54,941
That's SmushBoy15.
He's gross.
257
00:10:54,942 --> 00:10:57,213
He'll sit on anything.
He's a sit slut.
258
00:10:57,214 --> 00:10:59,083
He's also really good
at hearing the whispers
259
00:10:59,084 --> 00:11:00,686
of nearby diners.
260
00:11:03,126 --> 00:11:05,095
Excuse me, SmushBoy.
261
00:11:05,096 --> 00:11:07,098
I-I'm wondering
if you could come over
262
00:11:07,099 --> 00:11:08,634
and sit on my wife's avocado?
263
00:11:08,635 --> 00:11:10,974
Come on, man,
I'm out with my family.
264
00:11:10,975 --> 00:11:12,376
You Hollywood celebrities!
265
00:11:12,377 --> 00:11:15,716
Sheesh!
Don't meet your heroes, huh?
266
00:11:21,862 --> 00:11:24,467
[inhales, exhales deeply]
267
00:11:24,468 --> 00:11:28,307
Okay, everyone, this is another
SmushBoy livestream.
268
00:11:28,308 --> 00:11:30,578
Let's try to play nice
this time, okay?
269
00:11:30,579 --> 00:11:33,018
[man] Hey, uh, squash that
brownie with your knee.
270
00:11:33,019 --> 00:11:34,520
I don't do knee stuff.
271
00:11:34,521 --> 00:11:37,392
I told you guys that
from the beginning. Geez.
272
00:11:37,393 --> 00:11:38,662
What the hell, Chris?
273
00:11:38,663 --> 00:11:40,966
You've had a crummy attitude
from the moment
274
00:11:40,967 --> 00:11:42,169
you walked in here this morning.
275
00:11:42,170 --> 00:11:44,207
Well, duh.
The moment I walk in
276
00:11:44,208 --> 00:11:46,444
you start running
new pie designs at me.
277
00:11:46,445 --> 00:11:48,315
What do we do with
pie designs, Meg?
278
00:11:48,316 --> 00:11:50,319
Huh? What do we do?
279
00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:52,756
- Email them to Tristan.
- Email them to Tristan.
280
00:11:52,757 --> 00:11:55,228
Look, I don't like
being a broken record here,
281
00:11:55,229 --> 00:11:57,199
but why do we have
those Monday meetings
282
00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:59,770
if nobody's gonna
follow the process?
283
00:11:59,771 --> 00:12:04,080
Anyone? Briana? Heath? Hello?
284
00:12:04,081 --> 00:12:05,248
You know what, guys,
if you can't start
285
00:12:05,249 --> 00:12:08,355
sorting these things out,
I don't see how we can even
286
00:12:08,356 --> 00:12:10,225
do summer Fridays anymore.
287
00:12:10,226 --> 00:12:12,796
Oh, now you're paying attention.
288
00:12:12,797 --> 00:12:15,201
Chris, you can't
talk to people like that.
289
00:12:15,202 --> 00:12:16,972
Oh, fine.
Then maybe I'll talk like this.
290
00:12:16,973 --> 00:12:19,309
Everyone, I quit!
291
00:12:19,310 --> 00:12:21,314
Come along, multiple exotic pets
292
00:12:21,315 --> 00:12:23,719
symbolizing
my spiritual corruption.
293
00:12:32,203 --> 00:12:35,075
Good night, Stewie,
at 11:45 p.m.,
294
00:12:35,076 --> 00:12:37,746
which is a bedtime
that works for you.
295
00:12:37,747 --> 00:12:40,920
I love you, sweetie. Mwah.
296
00:12:43,994 --> 00:12:46,097
Hey, that was kind of nice
what just happened right there.
297
00:12:46,098 --> 00:12:48,334
- What do you mean?
- Well, you got a kiss from your mom,
298
00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:50,005
and not just 'cause
you blew into that tube
299
00:12:50,006 --> 00:12:51,307
that lets her start the car.
300
00:12:51,308 --> 00:12:52,944
You know, I always
wanted to get adopted
301
00:12:52,945 --> 00:12:54,146
and have parents of my own.
302
00:12:54,147 --> 00:12:56,017
Heck, my old orphanage
even has its annual
303
00:12:56,018 --> 00:12:57,485
adoption fair next week, but
304
00:12:57,486 --> 00:12:59,089
forget it, nobody wants to adopt
305
00:12:59,090 --> 00:13:00,324
a messed-up kid like me.
306
00:13:00,325 --> 00:13:01,794
Hey, hey, hey.
307
00:13:01,795 --> 00:13:04,767
Can we not do shoes
on my white area rug?
308
00:13:05,837 --> 00:13:09,309
And also, hey, hey, hey.
You want to get adopted?
309
00:13:09,310 --> 00:13:11,413
I will help you get adopted.
310
00:13:11,414 --> 00:13:12,917
- What?
- Starting tomorrow,
311
00:13:12,918 --> 00:13:16,124
I will teach you how to be
a normal, adoptable child.
312
00:13:16,125 --> 00:13:17,993
Aw, dude, that's awesome.
313
00:13:17,994 --> 00:13:19,063
All right, good night, kiddo.
314
00:13:19,064 --> 00:13:20,398
I'm gonna go hide out
in the dry tub
315
00:13:20,399 --> 00:13:21,701
and watch your sister
take a wizz.
316
00:13:28,415 --> 00:13:30,385
Dad, thanks again for filling in
317
00:13:30,386 --> 00:13:32,389
after Chris got
all big-headed and quit.
318
00:13:32,390 --> 00:13:34,961
I'm excited to start shooting
these videos with you.
319
00:13:34,962 --> 00:13:36,497
Yeah, um, about the videos...
320
00:13:36,498 --> 00:13:38,234
I couldn't help but notice
321
00:13:38,235 --> 00:13:40,839
you've got me squatting
on generic Jell-O,
322
00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:42,076
not the name brand.
323
00:13:42,077 --> 00:13:43,444
Does it make a difference?
324
00:13:43,445 --> 00:13:45,983
[laughs]
Doe-Does it make a difference?
325
00:13:45,984 --> 00:13:47,619
You're-you're adorable.
326
00:13:47,620 --> 00:13:50,392
And why am I snorting
regular cocaine
327
00:13:50,393 --> 00:13:52,963
when I specifically requested
bacon-wrapped cocaine?
328
00:13:52,964 --> 00:13:55,401
There's no such thing
as bacon-wrapped cocaine.
329
00:13:55,402 --> 00:13:57,772
Yeah, tell that
to Chris Farley's autopsy photo.
330
00:13:57,773 --> 00:14:00,045
Also, your nose
is bleeding heavily.
331
00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:03,584
Yeah, that's allergies. I'm
allergic to bacon and cocaine.
332
00:14:03,585 --> 00:14:06,257
I tell you, this is the most
unprofessional film set
333
00:14:06,258 --> 00:14:08,894
since they cast
Timothée Chalamet in Dune.
334
00:14:08,895 --> 00:14:11,935
My father came, not for spice,
335
00:14:11,936 --> 00:14:14,039
not for riches...
336
00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:15,976
- Whoa... wh-whoa!
- Cut.
337
00:14:15,977 --> 00:14:17,745
- Wind guy.
- I told you guys
338
00:14:17,746 --> 00:14:19,883
he shouldn't be in windy movies.
339
00:14:19,884 --> 00:14:21,888
Freakin' told you guys.
340
00:14:24,727 --> 00:14:26,564
All right,
we've got just one week
341
00:14:26,565 --> 00:14:29,603
to turn you into a normal,
regular kid who can be adopted.
342
00:14:29,604 --> 00:14:32,442
Parents love reading A-B-C books
with their little ones,
343
00:14:32,443 --> 00:14:34,480
so let's practice that,
shall we?
344
00:14:35,616 --> 00:14:37,753
A, Asswipe.
345
00:14:37,754 --> 00:14:40,291
Okay, close, close.
How about this one?
346
00:14:40,292 --> 00:14:42,062
B, Bastard.
347
00:14:42,063 --> 00:14:43,798
We are oh-for-two.
348
00:14:43,799 --> 00:14:44,833
Yeah, I'm gonna skip C.
349
00:14:44,834 --> 00:14:46,704
Feel like I know what
you're gonna say for that.
350
00:14:46,705 --> 00:14:50,177
D, F. And I know
you're gonna go for that F.
351
00:14:50,178 --> 00:14:51,414
Not the usual F.
352
00:14:51,415 --> 00:14:53,518
Yeah, I'm not sure
this is gonna work.
353
00:14:57,360 --> 00:14:58,728
You're, like,
two hours late, Dad.
354
00:14:58,729 --> 00:15:00,532
I'm sorry Meg, but as an artist,
355
00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:02,202
I simply cannot create
356
00:15:02,203 --> 00:15:03,538
until you are finished
dry cleaning
357
00:15:03,539 --> 00:15:06,277
- all of my Halloween costumes.
- I tried,
358
00:15:06,278 --> 00:15:08,181
but they couldn't
get the stain out of your
359
00:15:08,182 --> 00:15:09,583
Emperor Palpatine robe.
360
00:15:09,584 --> 00:15:12,957
Take it someplace else.
Take it everyplace else.
361
00:15:12,958 --> 00:15:14,193
Ugh.
362
00:15:14,194 --> 00:15:16,230
♪
363
00:15:16,231 --> 00:15:19,437
♪ We keep doing montages ♪
364
00:15:20,239 --> 00:15:22,910
♪ About the wrong things ♪
365
00:15:22,911 --> 00:15:25,849
♪ Here's another one
we should have cut ♪
366
00:15:25,850 --> 00:15:28,855
♪ But the guy
who draws these up ♪
367
00:15:28,856 --> 00:15:32,796
♪ And lost custody
of his kids ♪
368
00:15:32,797 --> 00:15:35,135
♪ He got a DUI ♪
369
00:15:35,136 --> 00:15:38,875
♪ Since the last montage. ♪
370
00:15:40,479 --> 00:15:42,716
[Chris sighs]
371
00:15:45,489 --> 00:15:48,560
Chris, what are you doing?
[sniffs]
372
00:15:48,561 --> 00:15:50,565
Why does it smell
so bad in here?
373
00:15:50,566 --> 00:15:53,537
Uh, well, my exotic pets
374
00:15:53,538 --> 00:15:55,509
somehow all killed each other.
375
00:15:56,611 --> 00:16:00,485
Still not quite sure
what the sequence was there.
376
00:16:00,486 --> 00:16:03,191
Anyway, Meg, I just want to say
I'm really happy
377
00:16:03,192 --> 00:16:06,864
for you and Dad that you're
doing that website together.
378
00:16:06,865 --> 00:16:08,867
Uh, thanks, Chris.
379
00:16:08,868 --> 00:16:10,505
No, thank you.
380
00:16:10,506 --> 00:16:13,244
I just wish I didn't
screw everything up, you know?
381
00:16:13,245 --> 00:16:15,081
Treated you like a carrot muffin
382
00:16:15,082 --> 00:16:16,516
I butt-smothered for money.
383
00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:19,389
But you're not a carrot muffin,
you're my sister.
384
00:16:19,390 --> 00:16:20,692
And I forgot that.
385
00:16:20,693 --> 00:16:23,531
It's okay, Chris, I forgive you.
386
00:16:23,532 --> 00:16:26,203
Hey, call out
any Boston Market sides.
387
00:16:26,204 --> 00:16:29,143
It's Friday, and we're gorgin'.
388
00:16:31,748 --> 00:16:33,752
♪
389
00:16:35,756 --> 00:16:40,098
Told you, Stewie, nobody
wants to adopt this loser.
390
00:16:43,839 --> 00:16:44,774
Okay, look sharp.
391
00:16:44,775 --> 00:16:46,577
These people
may be your last chance.
392
00:16:46,578 --> 00:16:49,616
Just do everything
the way we rehearsed it.
393
00:16:49,617 --> 00:16:51,921
Hey, little man, how are you?
394
00:16:51,922 --> 00:16:54,560
I am fine
and in good physical health.
395
00:16:54,561 --> 00:16:57,799
Aw. What kind of toys
do you like, sweetie?
396
00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:00,472
Um, you know, a doll,
because that's okay
397
00:17:00,473 --> 00:17:01,607
for a boy, I'm told.
398
00:17:01,608 --> 00:17:03,310
But, you know,
any-any toy's fine.
399
00:17:03,311 --> 00:17:04,846
An outside ball
for throwing inside.
400
00:17:04,847 --> 00:17:06,316
I mean, you know,
whatever you got.
401
00:17:06,317 --> 00:17:08,655
So sweet. Hey,
402
00:17:08,656 --> 00:17:10,291
what do you want to be
when you grow up?
403
00:17:10,292 --> 00:17:11,526
When I grow up, I want to be
404
00:17:11,527 --> 00:17:13,999
a body-cam-off police officer.
405
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:16,571
I-I mean, just a regular
police officer.
406
00:17:22,483 --> 00:17:25,221
How would you
like us to adopt you
407
00:17:25,222 --> 00:17:26,824
so that you can
come live with us
408
00:17:26,825 --> 00:17:29,663
and be a Jets fan,
not a Pats fan,
409
00:17:29,664 --> 00:17:32,069
because we are a Jets family.
410
00:17:32,938 --> 00:17:35,208
[exclaiming]
411
00:17:35,209 --> 00:17:38,581
[bleep] Jets are a straight
[bleep] [bleep] franchise, bro.
412
00:17:38,582 --> 00:17:40,751
The last Jet that actually
mattered in NYC
413
00:17:40,752 --> 00:17:42,288
is the one that
hit the South Tower.
414
00:17:42,289 --> 00:17:43,824
Whoa, whoa.
415
00:17:43,825 --> 00:17:46,731
Okay, so that wasn't a match.
416
00:17:51,208 --> 00:17:53,644
I'm sorry. I really thought
I could help you find
417
00:17:53,645 --> 00:17:55,248
a family of your own.
418
00:17:55,249 --> 00:17:56,717
What's going on over there?
419
00:17:56,718 --> 00:17:59,957
Holy crap, it's Mark Wahlberg's
seven freckle-chested sisters
420
00:17:59,958 --> 00:18:00,859
from The Fighter.
421
00:18:00,860 --> 00:18:03,932
I'm sorry, ladies,
you have to leave.
422
00:18:03,933 --> 00:18:05,535
What? For why?
423
00:18:05,536 --> 00:18:08,140
We caught you
sneaking outside beers
424
00:18:08,141 --> 00:18:09,509
into the adoption fair.
425
00:18:09,510 --> 00:18:11,780
If you're going to be
at the adoption fair
426
00:18:11,781 --> 00:18:14,553
you have to buy
adoption fair beers.
427
00:18:14,554 --> 00:18:16,690
Fine, we'll drink
in the parking lot.
428
00:18:16,691 --> 00:18:18,561
Whatever kid doesn't get picked,
429
00:18:18,562 --> 00:18:20,431
just leave him outside.
430
00:18:20,432 --> 00:18:22,669
Hey, April, Check out that one.
431
00:18:22,670 --> 00:18:24,572
Whoa, now that's a good-looking
432
00:18:24,573 --> 00:18:27,212
government subsidy right there.
433
00:18:27,213 --> 00:18:30,852
- Um, hi there.
- Hey, bud.
434
00:18:30,853 --> 00:18:34,559
I see you got the same
Aaron Hernandez tattoo I got.
435
00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:36,697
Want to come live with us?
We live near an overpass
436
00:18:36,698 --> 00:18:39,303
and we got lots and lots
of D batteries to throw.
437
00:18:43,045 --> 00:18:45,315
Go on, get out of here.
438
00:18:48,455 --> 00:18:50,491
Have a great life
with your seven moms.
439
00:18:50,492 --> 00:18:52,061
Well, one of 'em will be my mom.
440
00:18:52,062 --> 00:18:53,965
Six of 'em
will be my girlfriend.
441
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:56,637
[short chuckle]
The dude's a legend.
442
00:19:03,252 --> 00:19:06,356
Hey, baby. I want to party
with that ice cream cone.
443
00:19:06,357 --> 00:19:08,628
Five bucks and I'll sit on it.
444
00:19:10,466 --> 00:19:11,834
Hey. Hey.
445
00:19:13,004 --> 00:19:16,510
Twenty bucks if you'll mash
a Chipwich with your knee.
446
00:19:16,511 --> 00:19:18,180
[sighs]
447
00:19:18,181 --> 00:19:19,883
Let's see the Chipwich.
448
00:19:19,884 --> 00:19:22,555
No! He doesn't do knee stuff.
449
00:19:22,556 --> 00:19:24,827
What is wrong with you sickos?
450
00:19:24,828 --> 00:19:26,596
What happened to you, man?
451
00:19:26,597 --> 00:19:28,434
This is all I'm good for, Meg.
452
00:19:28,435 --> 00:19:30,772
It's... it's all
people see me as.
453
00:19:30,773 --> 00:19:32,609
That's not true, Chris.
454
00:19:32,610 --> 00:19:34,379
You have so much to offer,
455
00:19:34,380 --> 00:19:37,018
and I've got something for you.
456
00:19:37,019 --> 00:19:38,353
Buttercream?
457
00:19:38,354 --> 00:19:41,027
You bet your ass, buttercream.
458
00:19:42,029 --> 00:19:43,397
Wait.
459
00:19:43,398 --> 00:19:45,635
This one we do together.
460
00:19:47,406 --> 00:19:49,276
[laughing]
461
00:19:49,277 --> 00:19:51,580
["Love Life Us Up Where We Belong"
by Joe Cocker & Jennifer Warnes playing]
462
00:19:51,581 --> 00:19:55,856
♪ Love lift us up
where we belong ♪
463
00:19:57,326 --> 00:19:59,697
♪ Where the eagles cry. ♪
464
00:20:05,911 --> 00:20:08,548
So, Chris,
after your recent adventure
465
00:20:08,549 --> 00:20:10,884
behind the scenes
of the adult video world,
466
00:20:10,885 --> 00:20:13,891
you're probably not even
able to enjoy pornography any...
467
00:20:13,892 --> 00:20:15,728
Wrong!
468
00:20:15,729 --> 00:20:18,434
Uh, okay.
Well, I got to go to
469
00:20:18,435 --> 00:20:19,769
the county registrar's office.
470
00:20:19,770 --> 00:20:21,941
Need to re-register
our business as inactive
471
00:20:21,942 --> 00:20:23,878
and change our filing status.
472
00:20:23,879 --> 00:20:24,879
♪
473
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:27,785
♪ Undoing a corporation ♪
474
00:20:27,786 --> 00:20:31,560
♪ Is surprisingly complicated ♪
475
00:20:31,561 --> 00:20:33,831
♪ But it still doesn't make ♪
476
00:20:33,832 --> 00:20:37,438
♪ For a good montage. ♪
477
00:20:37,439 --> 00:20:39,977
Hey, Gavin.
Yeah, it's Dad.
478
00:20:39,978 --> 00:20:43,017
Well, the court say I get
two guaranteed calls a week,
479
00:20:43,018 --> 00:20:45,822
so I'm calling.
[chuckles]
480
00:20:45,823 --> 00:20:49,062
Can you please tell your mother
to get off the extension?
481
00:20:49,063 --> 00:20:52,101
No, in-person visits
have to be supervised,
482
00:20:52,102 --> 00:20:54,539
but the calls do not
have to be supervised,
483
00:20:54,540 --> 00:20:57,078
so she can
get off the phone now.
484
00:20:57,079 --> 00:21:00,718
Daddy knows what Mommy's
breathing sounds like, bud.
485
00:21:00,719 --> 00:21:02,924
Get off the phone, Janet!36046
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof