All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S22E01.WEB.x264-TG

♪ it seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ is violence in
movies and sex on tv ♪

♪ but where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪

♪ on which we used to rely? ♪

♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ all the things that make us ♪

♪ laugh and cry ♪

♪ he's... A...
Fam... Ily... Guy! ♪

What are you up
to there, stewie?

Big birthday party today,
just finishing up my card.

"happy birthday, gurt"?

Yeah, it's short for "yogurt."

His mom is a doula and
his dad is a doula.

I like the blue truck.

Thanks. It was supposed
to be a fire engine,

But I couldn't find
the red glitter pen.

Well, that's our
long-form tax return done.

I could be wrong, but I think

We're getting a
million dollars back.

Oh, I'm glad you're
here. I ran out of bleach

Halfway through my
mustache treatment today,

So, peter, I'm gonna
need you to take stewie

To the bowling
alley for a party.

Hey, meg, I'm gonna
need you to take stewie

To the bowling
alley for a party.

I just learned the
word "delegate."

No skin off my sack. I
love the bowling alley.

I'm coming, too.

They got a new claw
machine with a bra in it.

We sure raised a few
fine delegates, huh?

Peter, I don't think you
learned the word "delegate."

I will not be delegated
in my own house.

This is gonna be fun, stewie.

Yeah, I'm pumped.
Partying's in our blood.

We even had ancestors
at the boston tea party.

All right, let's stick
it to the british

And throw this tea overboard.

How about this earl grey?

Okay, you know what,
let's keep the earl grey.

We-we all have to
have breakfast, right?

- Here goes the chamomile.
- No, no, no. You throw that out,

You're throwing my good
night's sleep away.

How about this throat
coat with echinacea?

Okay, you guys
are gonna hate me,

But we're coming up on
cold and flu season.

And I just think that
would be irresponsible.

- Well, what about...
- you know what, let's just boil some water

And write 'em a
strongly-worded letter.

Here you go, meg.

You's all in lane six
with gurt's mother.

Everybody wins. Everybody
wins here today.

Gurt, get your hand
out of your pants!

Thanks, bruce.

Hey, want to put
quesadillas in our mouths

And flip through a
people magazine later?

Oh, I'd love to, but
this is our busiest day.

I got five parties and
that guy over there

Insists he can only bowl
like fred flintstone.

Dad, you were coming
here the whole time?

I don't have to tell you things
I'm keeping secret from you.

All right, bruce, I'm up.

Yibba yabba yoo!

Stewie, william, you're up.

Well, well, well, looks like
the new kid got a pity invite.

My name's william.

I've been on six airplanes.

You do sports, william?

You ever get your ass
handed to you, sports-wise?

Not yet, stewie, but if
you throw the ball the way

You threw back that cake,
you should be in good shape.

Hope you got another
set of pins, bruce,

'cause this one's
about to explode.

Well, call me norma rae,

'cause you're about
to see a strike.

I watch a lot of movies
at my grandma's house.

- On three?
- Oops.

Yes! And then there were nine.

It's not fair!

Someone else was using
my lucky dinosaur ramp!

Can't beat the old
strike-a-saurus!

♪ open the door,
get on the floor ♪

♪ everybody bowl
that dinosaur. ♪

Are you here for shoes?

Yeah, but I'm not
sure what size I am.

The sizing line's
right over there.

Just put your bare
foot on my stomach

And I can tell you
your shoe size.

I don't know. Next.

Little higher.

I don't know. Next.

That'll do, pig.

That'll do.

Peter, you're up.

Just got to dry my hands first.

Ooh, how embarrassing.

What an unexpected,
sexy turn of events.

So, did you guys know that

Marilyn's real name
was norma jean?

- - mm-hmm.
- And if you said hello

To bernard schwartz,
you'd be saying...

Saying hello to tony
curtis. Yes, we know.

"better smile when you
say that, pilgrim."

Marion morrison, aka john wayne.

Yep, we remember from the
list you emailed us, joe.

You know, kennedy's
secretary was named lincoln,

And lincoln's secretary
was named kennedy.

- Kind of makes you think, huh?
- About what?

Secretaries.

Sorry we left such a mess.

- Let me help you with that.
- Thanks, meg.

Oop, looks like more vomit,

And I done run out of
kitty litter to soak it up.

That's all right, I always
keep a small bag in my purse.

You keep kitty
litter in your purse?

Well, there's not always a
bathroom when I need one.

I don't know how you handle
all these kids every week.

Oh, I don't mind.
I like children.

Always wanted one of my own.

Someone I could raise
a little bit better

Than my parents did me.

You'd be a great dad, bruce.

You should totally have a kid.

I don't know if you
knew this, but it's

Anatomically impossible
for a man to get pregnant.

Even lindsey graham?

Well, he's certainly giving
it the ol' college try.

But I guess it's
just not in the cards

For jeffrey and me.

After all, you can't make
a bun without a oven.

Well, I have an oven.

I mean, it may not
close all the way,

And it's definitely not
self-cleaning, but it works.

You should thank your
lucky stars for that.

Well, I don't know
if you've noticed,

But I don't exactly
have a lot of suitors.

It might be because
you's going potty

In your purse all the time.

But at least you's
able to have a baby.

You're right.

I can have a baby.

Mom, dad.

I'm having bruce
and jeffrey's baby.

That's wonderful.

What do you say we take this
party to the top of the stairs?

it's not an
abortion, it's an "oopsie."

Meg, there is no
way you are having

Bruce and jeffrey's
baby. I forbid it.

We agreed no more kids in the
house unless it's young sheldon.

Boy, is that kid a pepper pot.

It's not what you guys think.

I'm gonna be a surrogate.

But don't you need an egg?

Or-or is that... Is that
a bad question to ask

Now that penises and
vaginas mean nothing?

Jeffrey and bruce
already picked out

An egg donor from a website.

Okay, as your father,

I'd like to say something.

You can just get hot
eggs off the internet?

Wh-what, uh, what, uh,
what, uh, wh-wha... uh,

Wh-wha-what website?

meg, this is serious.

Pregnancy is not
something you do for money

Or to keep a certain
professional athlete interested

After he blocks your number.

You're gonna ruin your life,
and I won't have any part of it.

Well, too bad, 'cause I'm
18 and you can't stop me.

Dang, no more sush for
meg for nine whole months.

That's honestly what you're
taking away from all this?

Well, yeah. I'm
still getting sush.

Anyone else for sush? Dad, sush?

Ma, sush? Chris, sush?

Meg, no sush. Don't
even answer, meg.

She's like, "aw, I
want sush so bad."

I'm like, "no, no,
meg, no sush, babe."

Anyway, I'm gonna go
out and get some sush.

I'll be at cvs.

Aw, this is embarrassing.
We wore the same thing.

Let it be noted that I was
the one to change this time.

Anyway, good news.
The fertilization

Of the hella-more-attractive
egg was a success.

Brucie, we did it.

I'm gonna dress him
in political t-shirts

He can't even begin
to understand.

Yes, so now we just
have to implant

That very hot embryo
into meg's body.

- Is this gonna hurt?
- Not at all.

Nurse, wheel in the
implantation cannon.

You guys are gonna
love this thing.

A clown died in there, but
I think we got him all out.

Can someone please go get
me a cup of buffalo sauce

And a hollowed-out
pickle to use as a straw

To suck up the sauce?

Fine, but I'm making
you a grilled cheese.

And not because I
support this pregnancy.

I just enjoy making passive-
aggressive grilled cheeses

For people and
then saying, "here,

Here's your freakin'
grilled cheese."

hey, meg?

How many farts you been
blasting off today?

We talking bigs and smalls?

Fronts? Backs? Wets? Drys?

Ah. Well, I am gonna
run out of this room now

And leave a comedically-
shaped hole in the wall.

That was already there

From dad's drunk
driving accident.

nope!
Running from farts!

Man, meg being pregnant
is almost as bad

As when that other
lady was pregnant.

'member? The lady with
the loose baked-eggs rack?

- 'member her?
- Peter, that was me.

And no way was I
worse than this.

Well, maybe this'll turn
out better than you think,

Like eating edible underwear
in non-sexual situations.

I can't believe you chose
this for your last meal.

Well, I guess we're
both "shocked" today.

Okay, fellas, light me up.

You know what, he's funny.

Now I see why our
daughter got in that van.

yibba yabba yoo!

Well, maybe you're right.

I'm just glad this
day's finally over.

- Night, peter.
- Night, lois.

mom! Dad!

just ignore her.

She'll tire herself out.

dad! Mom!

Please!

Lois. The daughter's crying.

I'm super wide awake

And I want to eat
something really rank.

Lois, did you hear that?

Okay. I guess I got this one.

Papa john, I'm
sorry to bother you,

But my pregnant daughter
asked that I bring her

The worst pizza ever,
and yours is that.

You think we're worse
than lunchables?

- Yes.
- 7-eleven?

Look, my friend, my
friend, my friend.

It's late, we've
done our research.

The sauce, the
bread, the toppings,

The way it's cooked,
the people cooking it,

The way it tastes like
the box it comes in.

It's really, really the worst.

I mean, you even make butter
dipping sauce terrible.

Well, do you want the butter
sauce with the pizza or not?

Yeah, no, give me a
bunch of everything.

what do
you want, chris?

- Is it pump time yet?
- Why do you care?

Meg, I'm a member of a very
specific dark web internet site.

Don't try to find it,
you won't be able to.

But this would be
fairly monumental there.

Mom, chris is being disgusting.

So are you. We're
all disgusting.

That's what family is.

I knew this was a bad idea.

Yeah, marriage blows.

No, I mean meg's pregnancy.

I wish we could just
fast-forward through

The next couple of months
until she gives birth

And this whole thing blows over.

Well, team, I tried meth.

All right, guys, looks like
I'm really liking meth.

Hey, guys, I need money.

Like, now. Like,
yesterday! Like, now!

Hi, peter, my name is marcus.

Your family has
written some letters

They'd like to read to you.

You liars!

Weird easter this year.

Dad, you're back!

Ah, we missed you so much.

Ah, I missed you guys.

Meth was great, but
I guess it's bad.

I don't know, I'm not
really sold on that yet.

We're proud of you, peter.

Uh, guys? I think
my water just broke.

Oh, right, I forgot
we were doing that.

Well, I see nobody
brought me a doctor gift.

That's fine, you
still have a year.

Meg, I'm just going to
check the contractions.

"should've, would've, hadn't,

Ma'am, 'twas." oh, they're
getting closer together.

It's coming! It's coming!

Okay, we're out of gloves,
so I'm gonna catch it

With this panda express bag.

Are you sure this is safe?

Oh, yeah, panda bags
are medical-grade.

Just never use a subway bag.

I've had, like, four
go right through.

Uhp, it's in the bag already.

It's a girl.

What's that big ol'
vine coming out?

She looks like one of them
pumpkins in cinderella.

She...

She's beautiful.

Ooh, that's awful loud.

Yeah, that's a pee-poo-mix
cry if I ever heard one.

And it'll be a weird poo,
that first one, trust me.

You-you know that
volcano in hawaii

Where the lava just slowly
rolls through people's yards?

It's like that, only poo.

That does sound like
a lot to deal with.

So, do you clean that up with,
like, kleenex and febreezes?

You know what, why don't
I take the first shift?

Well, it would give us a chance
to finish doo-dadding her room.

And we have to buy every product

Of known baby
expert jessica alba.

Well, sounds like you guys
have a lot to talk about.

Thanks, meg. We'll
text you tomorrow.

Welcome to the world,
little liza judy barbra.

All right, sush time for meg.

I know you want
some hospital sush.

No? Dad? Sush? Pepsi max?

Ma? Diet max? Sush?

Chris? Max? Code red? Sush?

No? Well, I'm getting
some sush and a max.

I'll be at the cafeteria.

Don't get the sush, guys.

Okay, okay, liza judy barbra.

It's time for the bottle because
I forgot to tweeze my nips.

This is getting ridiculous.
It's been three days.

Why haven't bruce and
jeffrey picked up their baby?

I don't know. They're,
like, super busy.

Hey, look at the
bright side, lois.

With that baby
around, you look like

The hottest grandma in town.

the hottest grandma?

The-the hottest
grandma?

The hottest grandma!

Ha-ha! Well, I mean, okay.

The hottest grandma should
be jennifer aniston,

But the counting crows guy
wasn't ready to commit.

Poor bastard thought it was
gonna be an endless run.

That was bruce and jeffrey.

They're not coming to get liza
judy barbra until tomorrow now.

Ugh. Why not?

Not that you guys care
about this sort of thing,

But jeffrey wrote a murder
mystery that premieres

Tonight at the cracker
barrel in sturbridge.

Oh, no!

Yeah, but if you's got to go...

I made this a cutaway
so I could see the show.

Peekaboo!

yeah, yeah, it's
hard to laugh without farting.

Feels like you and me are on the
same page about a lot of stuff.

We work well together, like
the employees at t.J. Maxx.

Hey, where should I put these?

Just throw them on the
floor and step on them.

That's our founder's motto.

t.J. Maxx.
Teach your kids to drive

In our empty parking lot.

Guys, look.

Look at me. Now that
I'm a hot grandma,

I bought one of those
novelty wine glasses

That's big enough to hold
an entire bottle of wine.

Isn't that hilarious?

It's okay.

That was worth it for the joke.

You did good, lois.

You're building a comedic voice.

Okay. Here we go,
liza judy barbra.

Your first strained peas.

Wow, she is the most memorable

And endearing baby
I've ever seen.

Okay, then.

Oh, I'm sorry, are you...
Are you almost done?

Oh, yeah, no, sorry, I'm
just, I'm doing sets.

- I'm just doing little sets.
- Oh, cool, cool.

- Guys, he's doing little sets.
- Cool, cool.

- Little sets.
- Cool, cool.

Meg, I am so impressed.

Yeah, I had no idea you
could be so maternal.

I always saw you as a
"drive into the lake" mom.

So did I, mom.

But, honestly, since liza
judy barbra was born,

I feel like my life has
purpose for the first time.

knock-knock.

I know this may be
not a good time,

But we just had to come
see our little angel.

"had to come see"?

Where have you two been?

Watching mamma mia
and making popovers.

What is wrong with you two?

How irresponsible can you be?

I mean, this is your
daughter you abandoned.

Abandoned? We
wanted to come over,

But meg kept saying
it was a bad time.

Meg, is that true?

this baby needs me.

It's the first living thing
that's ever needed me.

For once, my life has purpose.

And I'm good at this.

Better than these two, anyway.

Maybe she's right.

What businesses do we
have raising a child?

And how's is we supposed
to pay for her school?

With our tesla and
cashmere money?

I don't think so.

We could dip into our
boozy brunch fund.

Don't you dare.

Oh, listen to me.

I wouldn't know how
to raise a baby.

I'm sure she knows that, too.

Gaga.

gaga?

Bruce, did you hear that?

She said her first gay icon.

Jeanne tripplehorn.

Oh, my god, a second,
lesser-known gay icon.

She wants her daddies.

Meg, I'm sorry.

I know we're not perfect,
but no parent is.

And this is our child.

She belongs with us.

But you don't know anything
about raising a child.

No one does.

That's why two out of
three don't turn out right.

But that doesn't
mean you don't try.

Meg, we'll always appreciate
what you've done for us.

And you'll always be a part
of liza judy barbra's life.

Yeah. You'll always be
that slightly creepy teen

Who birthed our baby and then
we gradually lost touch with.

You better promise.

- We do.
- We do.

In that case...

I'll take a chance on you.

♪ if you're all alone ♪

♪ when the pretty
birds have flown... ♪

- No!
- That can't be the first time our baby hears abba.

That's right. It should be
at a jockstrap foam rave

In miami beach, same as me.

What? Wait!

But-but I'm the hot grandma!

you're a grandma?

You look amazing!

Oh, you. Come on.

Could a grandma wear
this to a spin class?

I mean, yes, she
could, because I did,

So that happened.

Thank you, meg.

You've completed our family.

We have our baby
and we have you.

Well, I guess that means

I can get rid of all
my hot grandma merch.

I'll just donate it to goodwill.

You know what
"gilf" means, right?

Yeah. "god, I love fentanyl."

You said it, pal.

Well, bruce and
jeffrey, I got to say,

You two have really stepped up

To become a couple
of great dads.

Thank you, lois.

You sound a bit surprised,

Which seems right for a
woman with that haircut,

But you're sweet to say so.

uh-oh.

Someone's being a
little fussy britches.

Oh, she's tired.

You get the lights and
I'll sing her to sleep.

Yeah, that seems about right
for a guy with that haircut.

thank you, peter.