All language subtitles for The.Crazy.Ones.S01E21.HDTV.x264-EXCELLENCE

SIMON: "Then the sloth said,

That's not necessarily so."

And Caveman Boy said,

(childlike): "Tell me
you'll never leave me,

Stupidest Dodo and Littlest Mammoth."

(goofy voice): "I wish we didn't have to,

but we're going extinct.

(chuckles) I'm the last one of me."

Yeah!"

said the Stupidest Dodo.

And the Littlest Mammoth
turned to Caveman Boy and said,

(sweetly): "Don't worry, Caveman Boy..."

We get it... you can do
voices. Just read it normally.

Look, when you grow up and
volunteer your time, you can do

whatever your critical little
heart desires, but right now,

I'm driving this train, okay?

(annoyed sigh)

"Don't worry, Caveman Boy..."

What an ebullient soul he
is to bestow us his time

and his verbal dexterity,

all to inspire the neighborhood progeny.

I think you just said you
appreciate him volunteering here

and he has a healthy prostate?

Oh, I see you share your
father's flair for badinage.

"Even though we're going

extinct, we'll be with you forever.

"Because when you truly love something,

it can never go away.'"

Does that mean my grandma's coming back?

And my dog?

I'm sorry, boys and girls, but there's no

question and answer
period after story time.

But these are good issues
to discuss with your parents

in what I'm sure will be
an uncomfortable ride home.

Tough crowd.

Who picked this book?

Yeah, but the moral was so sweet.

If you truly love something,
it'll never go away.

Oh, that's ludicrous.

I love this library, and
they're taking it away.

They're shutting it down.

What? That's terrible. I feel
like I grew up in this library.

But don't you worry, Flora...

(goofy voice): we're not
letting you go extinct. Ha!

God, the kid was right.

These voices really are annoying. Ooh.

GORDON: Okay.

Listen up. We got terrible news.

UPS is dropping us. It's a catastrophe.

- Gordon, stop hitting the panic button, okay?
- I'm not panicking!

- Breathe for me. Shh.
- I'm just trying to tell you

that we have to replace them

with somebody else immediately

so everybody thinks that we're still

at the top of our game, you understand?

I don't care who it is...
uh, it can be tobacco,

- No... No...
- Big pharma, little pharma,

North Korea!

Lauren, get me Kim Jong-Un

on the phone, darling.

Lauren, do not get Kim
Jong-Un on the phone.

You'll wake Dennis Rodman.

Listen to me, UPS is not that big

- an account with us, Gordon... come on!
- Yeah.

We only had their
hazardous material shipping.

- Yeah.
- "We will touch it with a ten-foot pole."

Yeah, but, you see, that's money.

So, right now, our top priority

is gonna be landing a new client.

I would argue that our
top priority should be

to save the East Naperville Public Library.

What the hell are you talking about?

I made a promise to a boozy librarian

that we would come to the rescue.

SYDNEY: They're about to have a big vote

in East Naperville to
raise taxes; right now,

they're gonna say no and then
the library's gonna close.

Who gives a crap? Shut it down.

Shut down that stupid
book museum right now!

Absolutely not! I gave them my word!

That's why we're gonna do the
best pro bono work of our lives.

P... Pro bono?

- Pro bono.
- That just made my stent slip.

Okay, I'll tell you what. Since you're
not gonna let me talk you out of it,

I'm gonna tell you how much dough I'm
gonna give you for your pro bono project.

- You ready?
- Ready.

- Nada.
- Ha-ha.

You know what that is?
That's Spanish for "no dough."

(laughs) That would've killed in Accounts.

You're such a villain!

All you're missing is a poison
apple and a magic mirror!

Oh, you haven't even begun

to see the evil queen that I can be.

(wheezy laughter)

I'm sorry.

That would kill in Accounts!

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪

"The Monster"

Hey, where are you guys coming from?

Oh, we went to that new
Greek place. It was so good.

Oh, I... kind of thought

you and I were gonna try
that restaurant, Andrew.

Did we talk about that?

No. No, no, no, we didn't.

Uh, outside of work, we
barely talk at all anymore.

Wouldn't hurt you to pick
up the phone once in a while.

- What's happening?
- You know, it's okay.

You can make it up to me tonight.

We'll go for a drink after work.

Uh, well, Allie and I were
actually gonna go to a movie

tonight, so, uh, rain check?

(quietly): What about us, man?

What happened to Zach and Andrew?

Aka Zandrew.

Nothing happened to
Zandrew. There's just...

Allie and Andrew now, too. aka Aandrew.

You just said "Andrew."
That's just your name.

No, there was actually a second "A"

if you were eavesdropping closely.

Hey, Zach, why don't you just
come to the movie with us?

No, thank you. I don't
want your pity invite.

What movie?

Oh, it's a documentary about...

I said, "No, thank you"!

Hey. Excuse me.

I'm looking for Sydney Roberts.

Can you tell her that Dylan is here?

Uh, she's in her office. Come with me.

Who's the cute fruit?

Fruit? Oh, no. Sydney's neighbor.

I'm pretty sure they went on a date.

Okay, first of all,
never question my gaydar.

It's impeccable.

And I also have him on
my Grindr app right now.

Is that a sandwich app?

- Oh, there's meat involved.
- But it really seemed

from the way Sydney's
been talking about Dylan

that she's dating him.

Well, you obviously misunderstood.

He's clearly her new gay friend.

You can just say "friend."

Actually, you know what, Dylan,
can you excuse me for one second?

I'll meet you at the elevators.
I have a quick work thing

- to discuss with my coworkers.
- Sure.

- Sure, sweetie.
- Okay.

- So, what do you think? He's cute, right?
- Yeah.

I can't believe we're... I guess, dating.

- Dating?
- What?

I know it's weird because he's...

well, you know...

my neighbor.

- Right. The neighbor.
- Neighbor.

- It's so awkward with neighbors.
- Right.

Yeah, so, you know, we're
gonna take things nice and slow,

but I'm excited. What do you guys think?

He's fabulous.

- Fabu!
- Right?

Good morning, campers.

Ooh, how was your date
with Dylan last night?

Oh, it was so good. I
dragged him to the mall,

- and he didn't complain once.
- Mmm.

Then we went back to his
house and we watched 300.

Ah, he's into gladiators.

Typical guy.

(goofy chuckle) So typical.

(whispers): We have got to tell her.

No. It's like the
spinach-in-your-teeth thing.

If you tell someone, it
could be really embarrassing

and they shoot the messenger.

Yeah, but what do you suggest then?

Let's just let the gay spinach work itself

out of her teeth naturally.

I mean, at some point,
he's gonna braid her hair

and then she'll know, and
then she won't have to know

- that we ever knew.
- I just can't believe she doesn't know.

I know, it's insane.

Guess who just worked out
with their new buddy, Dylan.

- Sydney's Dylan?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, Syd introduced us,

and then, out of the blue,

he asked me to do CrossFit with him.

- Oh, really?
- Oh.

Complimented me the entire time.

Said that he loved my top.

His word: classy.

- Zach...
- Now there's a guy in a relationship

who still makes time for his friends,

unlike some people I know,

who only hang out with their girlfriend.

I'm talking about you.

- Yeah, you were looking right at me.
- SIMON: Guys...

let's go save a library.

Great! Love your top!

That is classy.

But it's effeminate, right?

SIMON: "Pro...

bono."

What do these words say to you?

Well, to me it says

you've written the words "pro bono"

on a $5,000 monitor

with what looks to be a permanent marker.

- That's not a good start, is it?
- Well...

If you don't look at it, it
didn't happen. Okay, everybody!

Meeting takes place

down here now.

All right, re-focus.
Because this is charity

and Gordon is evil, he
has taken away our budget!

GORDON (over speaker): And not
just your budget, little man.

(all exclaim)

As long as you're working
on a pro bono project,

you are not being paid!

(laughs evilly)

God, that man really is a villain.

(Zach groans) So we have no budget.

We're working for free.

Time to brainstorm, all right?

Any good ideas, you
write 'em on the monitor.

It's already trashed.

- Okay.
- So, what do we got?

- What about a blimp?
- Yeah.

- Those cost money.
- What about a free one?

Good thinking, but that's not a thing.

- Oh.
- Come on, people.

What pops in your mind
when you hear the word

"library"?

- Uh, bad Wi-Fi.
- Old book smell.

ZACH: No hot chicks.

- Old people smell.
- Like, literally I've never

- seen a girl better than a seven.
- It's impossible to tell which is which.

Places where homeless people masturbate.

No, no, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren.

- Yeah?
- I feel the need to speechify.

- Oh!
- Yes.

To me the library

was a magical place, a place

where I could captain a pirate ship,

fly to the moon, walk
through African villages

and see boobs in their native culture.

(imitating African language)

Yeah, but now we can see
all the boobs the world has

to offer with just the click of a mouse.

Yeah, and with books
you can't change the font

or the size of the boobs.

Yeah, and each book is just one book.

I... I'm never doing
just one thing at once.

(text alert chimes) I mean,
even my friend Candice agrees.

Fine! Why don't we just give up

and let them shut down the library?

In fact, why don't we
just burn all the books?

Yeah, why don't we?

(Lauren gasps) What do you think?

"Vote to close the library April 17th.

Book burning celebration to follow."

Yep. Ha! Well, it's...

Book burning generally has a
sort of negative connotation.

True.

Well, uh, the font's pretty.

I love it.

No, you don't, but kudos on ass-kissing.

- Thank you.
- You're outraged,

as you should be.

But rage is what motivates people, huh?

(all talking at once)

- You're doing it again.
- No, I'm about ideas,

not where you write things down.

The people of Naperville
are angry about a tax hike,

so they don't care about the library.

We got to give 'em something
to be even angrier about,

something that'll really push

their buttons.

- ALL: Ooh.
- LAUREN: A, a smelly book.

- No.
- Toaster fire.

- Hairy building.
- No.

- Box on fire.
- Spaghetti trap!

- I love Pictionary.
- It's a burning book!

- Burning book!
- (Simon imitates bell dinging)

We'll make them so mad about burning books,

they won't care about the taxes

and they'll vote to save the library!

Ah, that's genius... you're shifting

the conversation from taxes to libraries.

A vote to close the library
is like a vote to burn books.

Exactly... that is why,
ladies and gentlemen,

we are hosting a book-burning party.

That's a cool concept,

but I feel like it's missing something.

You're right, Andrew, it is a cool concept.

I said I feel like it's missing something.

Sorry, I don't hear criticism.

But I feel like it's missing something.

- Yeah.
- A visual.

A face... a face that people can hate.

Who's hateable and doesn't cost anything?

- Yeah.
- What about something

like this?

Perfect.

Good. That's good.

Oh, Zach, Dylan wants to know
if you want to come with us

to the Gladiator exhibit this weekend.

Oh, that guy sure likes gladiators.

How generous of Dylan

to share his girlfriend time with a friend.

I don't know what top I'm
going to wear, but I'm there.

- It's a date.
- Oh, hey, Simon.

Uh, I added a little red to Gordon's eyes.

Does this read as menacing or meningitis?

Do you think tiny horns would be overkill?

- Yeah, yeah...
- No, what about

Charlie Chaplin's little mustache?

(overlapping chatter)

A nice, big...

GORDON: What the hell is this?

Everyone freeze.

Don't make eye contact.

Eventually he'll go away.

You're using me on the poster?

I'm the face of book-burning?

We didn't have the money to
license a real monster, so...

Oh, is that how you see me... a monster?

Well, if the giant orthopedic shoe fits...

It's not funny, Simon.

- Okay.
- If I'm the bad guy,

it's because you need me to be one.

It serves your pathological
need to be a hero.

You're reducing a very
complex web of neuroses...

Then let me untangle it for you.

Your pro bono crap has

nothing to do with saving the library.

It's all about making sure
that everyone loves you.

And who gives a damn what happens to me?

I'm just Ursula the Sea
Witch to your Little Mermaid.

- Oh, come on, Gordon, I didn't mean...
- Talk to the tentacle.

Gordon, wait.

What?

Oh, I was just doing that thing

where you call out to someone
as they're storming off,

but they don't usually turn around.

I see.

(whispering): No, wait.

SIMON: He's right, it was a bad idea.

- Uh, boss, you know that this already went out, right?
- It did?

- Yeah, hundreds of them.
- Oh, no, no, no, we got to take 'em all down.

- It's too late.
- We... we'll just tell Gordon we took 'em down.

I mean, the election's in two days.

- Oh.
- Yeah, it's just

a little grassroots
campaign in a small town.

(All) Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Naperville.

If you check your calendar, it's 2014,

but you sure wouldn't know
it in Naperville, Illinois,

where a group opposed to a tax hike

to save a local library is
organizing a book-burning party

apparently spearheaded by
this unidentified mystery man.

What is wrong with this guy?

What kind of monster burns books?

Around the world, people are asking:

"Who is this madman
and how do we stop him?"

Maybe Gordon doesn't watch the news.

What the hell did you do to me?

And now maybe he's just running
lines for a play he's in?

I'm a pariah out there.

I got egged on the street.

An old lady flicked
her lit cigarette at me.

My latte had a middle
finger drawn in the foam.

Gordon, we are so sorry.
I mean, we never thought

- that this was...
- I don't want to hear it!

I'm blowing your cover.

- No.
- I'm sending out a press release.

Can someone tell me how to
send out a press release?

Or, or we wait till after
the library's been saved.

You'll end up looking like a hero, Gordon.

That was my plan all along.

N... n... n... n... no,
don't play me, Simon.

I'm not playing you, Gordon, you know.

I know right now things look
dire, but a couple of days

from now when we all gather together

for the mock book-burning

and the crowd's there,
ready to lynch you...

- Still looking pretty dire.
- ... we're going to announce

we're not burning the books,
we're saving the library,

and it's all because of you.

You're the man behind it all.

Everyone's going to be cheering for you.

And you'll be the hero this time.

ALL (chanting): Hero, hero...

You just have to have a
little patience, my darling.

Okay, listen, I know you're
pulling this out of your ass.

- No.
- But I do like the idea of being a hero for once.

Yeah.

But what do I do in the meantime?

Hide.

ALL (softly): Hide, hide, hide...

Good luck.

- I'm gonna hide.
- Yeah.

(chanting quietly): hide, hide...

Wow. Just magnificent.

I'm really glad we could all
finally spend some time together.

Oh, yeah. Didn't want to miss this.

Man, look at that spear.

Can you imagine being

- on the business end of that?
- Ooh.

You don't want to miss it for anything.

ZACH: Hey, great tops!

Right on. Book power!

Hey, where's Aaaaandrew... ?

Really? That's a thing?
We're doing that now?

I think they went to go
look at the wall of swords.

Ooh, Zach, do you like swordplay?

Uh, yeah, I'm a guy.

(coughing)

Thank you for bringing me to the museum.

You know me... when it comes
to treating my lady right,

spare no suggested donation.

(chuckles)

Are you okay?

Me? I'm fine.

Yeah, I mean, I'm... I'm here with Dylan.

Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be fine?

Right. You have Dylan.

(men grunting)

(sighs) Lauren, um,

if I tell you something,

you promise you won't tell anyone?

Yeah, of course.

Dylan is...

gay.

What?!

(quieter): What are you saying?

That's crazy.

What? Is everything I knew fake?

Is everything I thought was real

really not real at all?

- You knew?
- I did.

When did you figure it out?

After our fourth date.

When he made me watch a
Raven-Symoné retrospective

and... and he braided my hair.

Oh, the universal tell.

Does everyone know?

DYLAN (in baby talk): Is him wrestled out?

Is him hungry?

Does him want food?

Uh, him... him is hungry.

Him... him... him... him could eat.

Uh... (laughs)

Not everyone.

I mean, Andrew and I figured it out.

He wanted to tell you,

but we didn't want you to feel embarrassed.

Well, that's why I kept it up,

because I felt like an idiot,

and didn't want everyone finding out

and then thinking that I was an idiot.

Which, apparently, they already do.

Are you sure you didn't keep dating him

to make Andrew jealous?

I mean, maybe a little?

No.

I'm... I'm happy that Andrew's happy.

And that he's in love.

And that I get to watch

love bloom every day,
right outside my office.

Oh, good! I thought you'd be bummed.

ZACH: A whole weekend? Just you and me

at your parents' lake house? (laughs): Man!

Andrew is gonna be jealous.

You talk about Andrew a lot.

Did you guys used to date?

(laughing): Date?

No, man, we're just
friends, like you and me.

Oh.

Uh-huh.

O... kay.

Ah!

Uh, him... him... him was not aware.

Him needs a little...

just a little time.

In a few minutes, the
polls are gonna close.

But if we've done our jobs,

these library doors are gonna stay open

because this community said
no to the death of imagination!

ZACH: When the book burners saw us

coming, they ran away

from the power of knowledge!

They were so scared,

they left without their props!

Not even the evil giant
who started this whole thing

had the guts to show his face!

Can I get a whoop-whoop?

(all whooping)

Hey, hey! What's happening?

I thought you were gonna
make me the hero here.

Don't worry... when the vote
is over, I'll bring you out

and reveal that the whole
thing was a campaign to save

the library and you'll reap the glory!

Okay, well hurry up

because my calves are spasming.

- Got it.
- Never should've quit ballet.

Attention, proletariat.

The ballots have been quantified.

And we have emerged

from the hangman's noose unscathed.

Did we win?

That's what I just said.

- We won!
- (all cheering)

You got to make it happen
because I can't feel my legs!

I'm doing it. Everyone?

I have a special surprise.

We would not have won
tonight without the man

I'm about to introduce.

You know him as the face of evil.

- But...
- I can't take it anymore!

- Gordon, Gordon, no... !
- (Gordon muttering)

(crowd gasps, murmurs)

- What are you doing to me?
- MAN: That's him!

- The book hater!
- (all booing)

No, no! No. That isn't who I am.

That's you!

I don't, I don't hate books.

I love books. I'm a reader.

Gordon, Gordon, you're flaming!

I know, it happens when I get nervous.

- No, right there!
- Aah!

Oh! Fire! Bad!

(crowd gasping)

(all scream)

He's burning the books!

No! You're a monster!

Get him!

No, I'm... I'm not a monster!

MAN: Get him! He's a bad man!

He's not bad, he's good!

It's not his fault!

I made him that way!

He's my creation!

Simon, you son of a bitch!

This reminds me of something.

- Twilight?
- Hunger Games?

Seriously?

(cork pops)

"Genius Ad Campaign Revealed."

"Lewis, Roberts & Roberts Saves the Day."

"Homeless Man Arrested for
Masturbating in Library."

See? All is right with the world again.

Whoa, Gordon's on the news.

My thinking was that if we
created a villain character,

that it would change the conversation.

And I volunteered because I care.

Speaking of caring, I'm
sure some of our viewers

want to know how are your injuries

because of the pitchforks?

Numerous and excruciating.

Al... although I was very lucky
that... that church was unlocked,

so I was able to hide
out in the bell tower.

Well, so there we have
it. A nation's villain,

one library's hero.

Uh, Syd? Hey.

I am sorry that Lauren and I didn't

say something sooner about Dylan.

Oh, it's okay.

I mean, the only bummer was that

- I like to hang out with him.
- Ah, sure.

We had a lot in common.

- He's a nice guy.
- Yeah.

Haven't really had that
with anyone in a while.

- Yeah, me neither. (clears throat)
- Except Allie.

Right! No, right, right.

Except Allie, of course,
who's great; she's great.

She's really great. So,
yeah, except for that.

- That's great.
- Okay.

I miss hanging out with you.

You do?

Yeah, I mean, you're, you're a good friend.

I miss you, too... buddy.

(laughs): Okay, cool.

Hey, can I ask you

some really frank sexual advice, actually,

about Allie?

Well, I'm off to grab a beer

with my buddy Dylan.

Wow.

You guys are still hanging out?

Yeah, you know, after we talked

about that kooky misunderstanding,

I realized that D-man is a great guy.

And I'm not just saying
that to make jealous, Andrew.

You and I are totally cool.

I just, I don't know, really
enjoy hanging out with him.

And he's fine that it's platonic?

No, he's totally in love with me.

The Zach bug bit him bad.

But I think I can turn him.

Into a friend.

Well, good luck with that.

Si, I have to say your little
charity stunt worked very well.

We've been getting calls
from new clients all day.

It was all part of my plan.

Oh, please, you had no plan.

You just stumbled upon
a photogenic villain,

and you... you ran with it.

Well, it's your sweaty
Mediterranean features...

they photograph well, my friend.

(laughs) Yeah.

- Touché.
- We make a good team, my man.

- Yeah, we do.
- You're the Beast to my Beauty.

- Oh.
- The Garfunkel to my Simon.

See? That works on two levels
because my name is Simon...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. Very clever.

- Thank you.
- But no one really ever appreciated Garfunkel.

- Well, Simon did.
- What do you mean? He...

he broke up with him famously.

- For a while they had a nice time.
- Didn't they sue each other?

Don't read too much into it.

My point is this place
wouldn't work without you.

Especially when you hear this.

- What?
- I just took a call

for the biggest buyout offer

we've ever had.

We've had offers before. We
will never sell this company!

Uh, $47 million beg to differ

my Little Brony.

Yes, you are about to
become the proud subsidiary

of Hamasaki Sneakers, Cutlery...

and now... Advertising.

I should've never let
that sympathetic priest

let you out of the bell tower!

We are selling. End of discussion.

No!

What I wouldn't give for
a lit torch right now!

You're a monster!

You made me this way!

No, hefe, tell me this.

(both shouting gibberish)

But now you can see boob...

now you can see all the boobs.

Booby booby boo boo.

No hot chicks. I... I've never seen

seen a girl better than a seven.

Place where old people masturbate.

Oh!

- Whoa!
- Old people masturbate in libraries?

What kind of libraries are
you hanging out in, you sicko?

Grandpa, we're ready to go now.

Are you finished? Not yet!

- synced and corrected by chamallow -