All language subtitles for The Crazy Ones - 01x20 - Love Sucks.KILLERS

So, you finished 90 Dances, 90 Nations
huh?

Um... ***

My dad's new girlfriend
is quite the offer.

Yeah, I love it.

How did you...
I don't know...

summarize the character
to the plot?

You haven't read it, have you?

It's 800 pages

of a woman recovering
from her divorce

by dancing around the globe.

Could you just give me
the CliffsNotes, please?

My dad's bringing her by
after lunch.

Well, it was subtle
with its complex narrative

- and thematic prose.
- You didn't read it either.

It is 800 pages.

I've been trying to download
the audio book

for the last 12 hours.

Oh, hey, I cannot
thank you guys enough

for turning me on
to Lily's book.

I mean, I may not be

a middle-aged divorcée,

but color me swept away.

Yeah, and all the dancing.

Dancing.

Dancing? There was no dancing.

The dancing was a metaphor

for her emotional catharsis.

Paco the farm boy makes that
very clear in chapter 6.

You didn't read it.

Yeah, I didn't either.
You know me.

I drift reading the back
of a mac and cheese box.

So, how is it going
with Lily and your dad?

Um, pretty well, I think.

I mean, you know, he's cautious.

He likes to take things
nice and slow.

Or slutty and quick.

Dad?

Oh!

Hey, gang.

May I present
Ms. Lily Schecter,

the author of
90 Dances, 90 Nations.

And I was worried
that meeting all of you

might be awkward.

So you must be Sydney.

I can tell

because you look
the most horrified.

Uh, no, no, we're just
real excited to meet you.

- We loved your book.
- Couldn't put it down.

- Read it in a night.
- I actually read it.

Oh, how kind.
Did you have a favorite part?

- Yes I did, because I actually read it.
- Chapter 12.

Chen-Lu with the...
the Sea of Japan was...

Oh, so you're all liars.

It's okay.

I forgive you.

Well, I promise,

90 Dances, 90 Nations is
at the top of my must-read list

once I stop being a workaholic.

Oh, Sydney, if I could give you
one piece of advice

that I've learned
on all of my life travels,

it's that you have got
to slow down a little bit.

You need to cut out
some time for yourself.

You know,
just take a breath and...

Balls!

I've got a meeting
in 15 minutes.

It's at a women's shelter.

I mean, it's kind of a bummer

because none of them
can afford my book.

That was so mean.

I'm really a nice person.

So we're on for Thursday?
Absolutely.

It's a date. No...

An adventure.

So, what's the big plan
for the date on Thursday?

Nothing too fancy.

Only the greatest
night of romance

anyone ever had.

And of course,
a magical ending.

Oh, I wouldn't put
that much pressure

on yourself.

The first time's
not always magical.

Sometimes it's over
really quick,

but then you don't have
to retake geometry.

Oh, there's a lot of story
in that little sentence.

Does anyone
else hear someone crying?

Yeah, I'd know
those ugly wails anywhere.

That's Gordon.

Gordon, is that you cr...

Oh!

Timothy kicked me out.

My marriage is over.

Ow! That really hurt.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪

Sync & corrections by wilson0804
www.Addic7ed.com

- Bubbe, what happened?
- I don't know,

but I think I really hurt
myself when I tripped...

Gordon, what happened?

I don't know what happened.

- We were eating Thai food.
- Uh-huh.

Everything was fine. We were...

We were reading listicles
on Buzzfeed.

- Yeah? - “Top 25 Ways You
Know You're a '90s Girl.”

And that's when Timothy,

he threw all my stuff out
on the front lawn!

20 years!

We have a dog!

Don't you worry

about Dr. Katherine
Lewis Salazar Ruffington.

That dog is gonna be just fine.

Take the rest
of the day off, okay?

Here.

Go to my place.

Get some sleep;
I'll check in on you later.

Do you think people will know
I've been crying?

Oh, here, you know what?

You can wear my glasses.

Thank you.

I don't want them
to make fun of me.

Get out of here, go, go, go.

Okay.

Oh. Careful. My, my...

Hey, buddy.

- Hey, friend.
- Oh...

- You dropped these.
- No, those aren't mine.

- So, how was that place for lunch?
- Are you...

Are you seriously just
gonna leave them there?

Well, what do you do when
you've lost something?

You retrace your steps.

First place they'll look:
floor of the elevator.

You're unbelievable.
Uh, yeah, it's easier

to turn a blind eye
and look the other way,

- but as a society we rely on the...
- Look, may-maybe the keys...

are supposed to
stay on the floor.

All right, have you seen
Back to the Future?

Do you remember the scene when Marty's
mom gets all handsy with him in the car?

His sister's head disappears.

You want that
on your conscience?

So you're equating
picking up a set of keys

with messing with
the space-time continuum?

Let's just hope
it's not too late already.

There were no infidelities?

No drug or alcohol problems?
Look, we were fine.

We even celebrated
his birthday last week.

What'd you do?
What we always do.

I took him to Outback Steakhouse
because he doesn't like rules.

And that was his idea?

No, he wanted me
to sing Bearaoke.

It's like karaoke
but with big, hairy, gay men.

I always thought that was karaoke
with Barry Manilow songs.

That's Manilowke.

Ah. Anyway, after dinner, I
gave him his Amazon gift card

and everything seemed fine.

I just figured out the problem.

You're not spontaneous.

That's what Timothy says.

Why didn't you tell me that
before I started guessing?

Because I thought you were
looking for something secret.

Okay, l-look, here's what
Timothy always complains about.

That I never like
to go out anymore,

that I never try, do,
or eat anything new.

And that I still haven't gotten
the mole on my back looked at.

Well, this is great news. Not the
mole... that's potentially fatal...

but everything else
I can help you with.

Spontaneity is my specialty.

- And you think that's gonna get him back?
- Of course.

We'll have you violating the sanctity of
marriage in no time. We'll start tomorrow.

- Okay, but I have to know
what time. - Oh, no, no.

I have a waxing...

- You can't plan spontaneity.
- Why would you do that?

Think of the first thing that comes
to mind. I didn't get insurance

- on the phone.
- That's a start.

Boys, in order to shake Gordon
out of his comfort zone and help

him win Timothy back,
he's gonna be joining our

brainstorming session.

Okay, our product is SmartSpecs.

It's basically a rip-off
of Google Glass,

- except they look just like
- regular glasses. Mm-hmm.

Basically, it's a computer
you wear on your face.

So you can search the Internet,
take videos, whatever.

Gordon, hold these in your hand.

- Mm-hmm. - Now say the first thing
that comes to mind. Don't think.

I-I-I... I don't know.
I'm not good at this.

Nonsense. Anything that comes
out of that Mardi Gras float

you call a head
is gonna be brilliant.

Okay, see, now, that was mean.

- Yet encouraging. Thank you.
- Well, I want

you to succeed.
You're my friend, okay?

Besides, I'm having a big date
with Lily this weekend

and I don't want you all
up in my kitchen, all right?

So, go from your gut.

- What would you use these for?
- I-I...

wouldn't know where to begin.

Um, you could do anything.

- That's it.
- What's it?

- You could do anything. - Not much of a pitch.
Don't we have to be more specific?

Maybe you don't.
Maybe it's something new.

Maybe it's
an anti-idea.

A celebration of vagueness.

♪ SmartSpecs ♪

♪ You can do anything ♪

Who needs specifics?
Being general is enough.

♪ SmartSpecs ♪

♪ You can do anything ♪

♪ Pursue activities,
or maybe just do stuff ♪

- Come on, Gordie, join in.
- ♪ SmartSpecs ♪

- No, no, too much, too fast, too soon.
- ♪ You can do anything ♪

♪ Anywhere, anytime, any way ♪
♪ Ow, ow, ow, ow-ow! ♪

Song sucks, right?

Wow, was that bad.
Hoo.

Aw, I hated that.
For real.

Oh, don't worry about me.
I'm fine.

- Oh, my God, is it broken?
- Well,

I-it's a sprain. But the
doctor used the word severe.

- In, uh, what context?
- Well, he said

it was a severely mild sprain.
But it's the worst kind.

Any more severe and it would
have been officially moderate.

Well, he did give you crutches.

I-I might have picked them up
on my own accord.

And a good patient
is her own advocate.

Real or drama queen?

Second one. Drama queen. Got it.

Hey, either of you ladies
missing a set of keys?

Those belong to Jean
from payroll.

- How do you know that?
- Well, see

the little pair of jeans
hanging from the keychain?

That's her signature,
because her name is Jean.

Signatures don't
have to be clever.

Who's Jean?

You don't know Jean?

They call her the human tick.

Okay, you can't talk to her,
you can't even look at her.

Because she will take
the smallest human interaction

and attach to you
like tick to deer.

I once held a door open
for her and ended up

invited to her cousin's
wedding in Vermont.

I told him to... this is what
happens when you have no respect

for the space-time continuum.
You know what?

The world I live in,
a man returns a set of keys.

And wears a smart suit
for airplane travel.

But one problem at a time.

Andrew Keaneally,
are those my keys?

Yes, they are.
You are such a dear.

I was just looking for them
in the elevator.

Ah. Retracing your steps.

Yeah.
Well, um, I should get going.

Oh, no, you don't.

I am buying you lunch

as a thank you and I will not
take no for an answer.

Gosh, I've already got lunch
plans at my desk, alone.

Great, I'll join you.
Oh...

I was supposed to
eat with Shirley

but she's sick again today.

What's wrong with her?
Lyme disease.

7:55.

You want to make small talk
like Timothy and I do

before NCIS starts,

at which point
a cone of silence is triggered?

Hey, Gordon, how about we
throw caution to the wind

tonight, okay?
Have a little party?

I've got some new neighbors
I want you to meet.

Oh, uh, uh, uh, no, no.

No, I can't meet anybody
I don't know already.

What was Timothy's
number one complaint?

You don't socialize.
Well-well, that's

'cause I need to research
people before I meet them.

You... M... You know, come on.

Oh, they're here. Surprise!

No time for research, got to improvise.
No, no, Simon.

What did you do? Simon!
Nothing.

Do-don't get it.
Shh.

Welcome, bienvenido, bonsoir.

Cabaret, right?
The Mac welcome screen.

Anna and Neal, my new neighbors,
meet Gordon, my dear friend.

Gordie, tell them a little
something about yourself.

I-I should be watching
NCIS right now.

Huh.

So the plan is get married here
and then a ten-day honeymoon

- in Costa Rica. - Honeymooning
in Costa Rica?

Well, there's plenty
to do there. Many people

enjoy the seaside community

of Manuel Antonio
and then go ziplining

in the village town
of Monteverde.

That's fantastic. Is Manuel
Antonio far from Monteverde?

Is Manuel Antonio
far from Monteverde?

It's a two-and-a-half hour
ride on a dirt road,

but is also accessible
via shuttles

from most of the major hotels.

Look at you riffing.
You're like the Miles Davis

of small talk.
You're killing it.

So, Neal, tell us,
what's it like, uh,

growing up in Dearborn,
Michigan?

Well... I understand it was

founded in 1786

and incorporated
as a city in... scroll...

1929.

- Did you just say “scroll”?
- What?

No. Scroll? Hello?

I said “stroll.”

As in, the residents of Dearborn,
Michigan stroll through...

reload page...

Ford Woods Park.

You're wearing SmartSpecs!

What are you talking about?
Open new tab.

Topic changers.

Give me those!
Give it to me.

Wait just a second.
Wait just a second.

You're cheating!
You're on Wikipedia!

And this page
is not even verified!

I told you I'm not comfortable
socializing

in front of strangers.
Forgive me.

Uh-oh.
What? What is it?

Nothing, nothing. No, no,
don't tell me “nothing.”

No, don't... Don't! Give
it to me Give it to me.

- Okay, it's an Instagram alert.
- Mm-hmm.

Timothy, how could you?

- Who's Timothy?
- My ex.

He posted a picture
of our beagle,

Dr. Katherine Salazar
Lewis Ruffington.

He took my last name out of
the middle name of our dog.

Maybe Instagram has
a character limit.

- No, that's Twitter.
- Shut up, Neal.

Doesn't mean anything, Gordon.

It means everything.
He's given up on us.

Doesn't mean you
have to give up.

- It's done, Simon.
- No, no!

You don't know that,
Gordon! Come on now.

Now is not the time to throw
in the tow.

Take a risk, show him how
much you love him.

Win him back!

Oh, so you're
the relationship expert now.

What are you, 0 for 5
in the marriages?

Six if you count
my Moonie wedding.

But at least I tried.

And tried and tried.
And what have we learned?

That love doesn't last.

It dies.

No exceptions.

Except for you two.

Have a great time
in Costa Rica, where...

click link...

“some of the world's best tarpon
fishing could be found

on the Peñas Blancas.”

I don't know what that means.

Hey, guys, you remember Jean.

Just had another lunch.
Jean just made me another vest.

It's a jean vest!
Like me, I'm Jean.

You get it?

I'll meet you at the
elevators to carpool home.

That was our fourth lunch.

I returned the keys
three days ago.

Guess what that means.
Lesson is learned.

Don't be nice, help no one.

I do not accept that.

You're not that guy.

I need you to be
Andrew the Good.

We gotta find a way out
of this Jean situation.

Well, all a tick needs
is a good blood meal.

Maybe we just find
her a new host.

These crutches are
starting to hurt my shoulder.

Oh, no, you don't think
it's the beginning

of a mild rotator cuff
injury, do you?

I hope not.

So, you created this
menu yourself?

Mm-hmm.

This is wonderful!

Thank you.
“First course,

a seven-course French meal.”

It's just a little confusing,
but I love it.

“Second course, romance.

Third course,
a magical ending”"

Well, I wonder what
that could be.

Simon?
Hmm?

Where are you?
You're really different tonight.

Is there something wrong?

Only that romance dies
and love is a crock.

I'm having the fish.
How about you?

What happened
to the guy who said

that he wanted to sleep in late

so he could have more
dirty dreams about me?

He woke up.

Wow. I, uh, I thought this was
actually going somewhere.

Let me tell you
where this is going.

We go out a couple more times,

We start throwing the L-word
around, we get married.

One morning I forget to
take out the garbage,

and suddenly you try to kill me
with a kitchen knife.

So why don't we cut
to the part where I say,

“Check please” and we spare each
other years of misery?

Did someone order some magic?

You're early, Copperfield,

and you're supposed
to say “abracadabra.”

No one says that.
Please tell me

you're here to transform this
horrible date into a good one.

This must be
very embarrassing for you.

It sure is.

I'm leaving you now, Simon.

That's what they all say.

Wow, he's good.

Hello?

Sydney, is that you?

- Dad?
- Mm-hmm.

Where have you been all day?

I was too despondent
to come into work.

I'm sorry. I thought I was
calling Lauren's glasses.

I need her
to bring my leather cap.

I'm doing Bearaoke with Timothy

and I feel like an idiot
without it.

Wait... you're doing Bearaoke?

No, I'm just gonna
get a sandwich.

I'm talking to my dad.

Yeah, I called you.

- Huh?
- What?

No. Why are you despondent?

Well, yeah, it's this whole
thing with Timothy and...

No, Gordon, I'm talking
to my dad on the glasses.

He's despondent?

Yes. Simon? Simon, what's...

what's wrong?!

Okay, you know,
why don't I give you the glasses

and then you guys
can just talk directly?

No! He killed love!

Do not put me on
that man's face!

What?
He doesn't want to talk to you.

- You killed love.
- Oh, that's crazy.

- Here, give me...
- No, stop!

Listen, Simon, what are you
talking about, I killed...?

What happened?

I ended it with Lily.
What's the point?

Wh-wh-why?
You were so into her.

It doesn't matter.

Any relationship I've ever had,
I believed it was “the one,”

because I knew what Gordon
and Timothy had was possible.

If they can't make it,
what chance do any of us have?

Dad, that's...
What is he saying?

Listen to me. Let me see those.

Dad?
Let me see 'em.

- No, he hung up.
- Where is he?

I don't-I don't know.

He-He broke things
off with Lily.

I can't believe it.

- Because of me?
- Yes.

That's horrible.

Okay, you can get
out of my face now.

Oh, no. Look at her.
So defenseless.

I got this door!

Good-bye, sweet Jean.

I don't know why I kissed them.

Very unsanitary.

Oh, wait. Someone left
their keys here.

Did anyone see my keys?

Sydney Roberts, you dear!

Thank you.
I am taking you

to lunch, young lady!

Oh!

Like the weakest
little antelope.

We had to sacrifice one
for the good of the pack.

She'll look adorable in a jean skirt.
Hey, Syd,

if you're not doing
anything this weekend...

I have plans. For the next
48 weekends, I'm booked.

Oh, of course.

You're probably in
physical therapy for your ankle.

Oh, actually, they said
I didn't need it.

They don't know anything.

That is a moderate sprain
if I've ever seen one.

You know, that's what I said!

Yeah. What do you know about
rotator cuff injuries?

They need to be
taken seriously.

Match made in heaven.

♪ I had this gay best friend ♪

♪ Moved in
with a nice young man ♪

♪ Never thought
they'd break up ♪

♪ But things didn't go
according to plan ♪

♪ I got the gay best friend
breakup blues! ♪

♪ Yeah-yeah-yeah-
yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah, yah! ♪

For Gordon.

Available for same-sex weddings
and Bar Mitzvahs. Thank you.

That was Simon
bastardizing B.B. King.

To the single life, Timothy.

To being able to stay
in your kimono all weekend.

So many worms
died to make Gordie's.

Okay, next up,
we've got Gordon singing

Miley Cyrus' “Wrecking Ball”!

Hey, everybody.

I have a straight friend...

Shh. Come on.
Everyone needs one.

Who falls in love
so completely,

it-it's so stupid but great.

And if he believes that...

me and Timothy can make it

through all this,
then I have to believe

our love is not dead.

So I am here
to fight for my man.

No, actually,
I'm here to sing for him.

♪ We clawed, we chained
our hearts in vain ♪

♪ We jumped never asking why ♪

♪ We kissed, I fell... ♪

Oh, my God.
I can't believe it.

If that's not a spontaneous,
albeit off-key gesture,

I don't know what is.

♪ Why don't you ever say ♪

♪ I just walked away ♪

♪ I will always want you ♪

♪ I can't... ♪

This is the sweetest thing
he's ever done, but...

I have friends here.

Go. I'm on it. ♪
...always want you ♪

♪ We came in like a wrecking
ball ♪
♪ Like a wrecking ball ♪

♪ I never hit so hard ♪

♪ In love ♪

♪ All I wanted was
to break your walls ♪

♪ All you ever did was ♪

♪ Wreck me ♪

♪ Yeah, you ♪

♪ You wreck me... ♪

Lily.

Hi, Simon.

You are aware
it's after 1:00 in the morning.

- Oh, yes. - Yeah.
What do you want?

A very close gay friend of mine
just got back together with his partner,

and I'm feeling positive
about love again.

What do you say? Let's
press the reset button, huh?

You know, I've always considered
myself an...

open-minded kind of free spirit.

- Mm-hmm. - In fact, I-I was in a committed
throuple with Woody Harrelson

and his wife for three
and a half months.

- Wow. - But I have never met
anybody as screwy as you.

Y-You're like...
you're like an alien.

- Really? - Call me when you
get your meds right.

I'll take that as a maybe.

I'm feeling hopeful again.

How'd you get in here?!

Get out!

I don't know how you
did that, Copperfield,

but it's too little, too late.

I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to help.

It'd help if you picked up
your cues.

This is officially the
last favor I do for you.

- Don't I get three wishes? - I wish
I was taller. - I'm not a genie.

- I'm not a genie. - You're still
going back in your bottle.

Sync & corrections by wilson0804
www.Addic7ed.com

- Hey, Lily.
- Hello, Simanyin.

Oh, I got to knock
on the door first.

Oh.

Something equally at home
on a midnight stroll

or during the horizontal mambo.

On the Fertile Crescent.

- Or doing the Bone Dance.
- Oh.

♪ You can do anything ♪

♪ You can... ♪

Oh, I hope those are your keys.