Original subtitles

You're late!

I know, I'm sorry. It was a lot of traffic.

Liam Liu.

Profile.

So, you know Kung Fu?

What color belt are you?

I, I don't have a belt...

Oh, you know what I love? I love suspenders.

You don't know Martial Arts?

No.

It says on your resume that you know Martial Arts.

Is there Martial Art in this commercial? I thought it was for toothpaste.

Where are you from?

New York City.

Uh, Queens, actually.

But I went to Dalton, so...

I retain the same elitist arrogance. - And what's your ethnicity?

Oh, I'm Chinese.

Speak Chinese?

Not fluently.

It says here speaks Chinese fluently.

I'm sorry, is there Chinese in this commercial? I thought it was like...

OK, thank you very much for coming, Liam.

What? That's it?

I didn't even get to read yet.

Well, we are looking for Japanese, actually.

Don't be sad.

What?

You look sad, don't be.

It's my car.

You know I just got towed because of a few parking tickets,

which is why I guess I'm utilizing LA's fabulous public transportation system.

Hey, that's...

'Rays of sunny love' is great, but I still don't have my car.

Well, think of it on the bright side.

What's that?

You never would have gotten to meet me, silly goose.

Do you wanna get a cup of coffee with me?

You see if I go home now, that I'm going home alone.

And it's a little scary.

How old are you?

Why? Is it illegal to share a caffeinated beverage with a minor?

I really shouldn't.

I mean, it just wouldn't be logical.

What if I'm the one?

The one?

If I am then you'll feel pretty stupid not having a cup of coffee with me.

I guess so.

I mean I'm not saying I am the one. There's just always the possibility, you know.

And isn't that what life's about, possibilities?

I really shouldn't.

You can do anything you want to.

It's the beauty of living.

Every time I go out for something, Joe.

It's always for some Kung Fu, Deli Store, Computer, Chinese...

You are a little Chinese guy.

You are gonna go out for roles for little Chinese guys.

I was born in New York.

How about a role for somebody born in New York?

Nobody asked you to quit college...

...and try your hand on the lucrative world of motion picture and telematics.

What am I gonna do with the degree?

I'm gonna spend 8 hours a day trapped in a little cubicle,

raking one of those desktop Zen Gardens.

Hey, I prefer that over spending all your time with Malibu Barbie.

Her name is Adelaide.

She is a really sweet girl. You haven't even given her a chance.

She is 16 years old.

- She is applying to Stanford. - Anybody can apply to Stanford.

- You want some of that? - At least I don't go online to meet girls.

Heyyy now,

God invented 'match.com' for a reason.

And that reason was me.

Look, one even replied to me last night.

- You wouldn't like her though. - Why?

- She's Asian. - Ah.

No, but, I'm happy for you.

- I hope she love you long time. - Thank you.

Look, I gotta go.

It's late, I gotta try to write something.

I'm still blocked, you know.

Most of the writers have to write something first before getting blocked.

You can't be impotent without first being potent.

And what the hell was that?

What?

I know that's your dad calling...

because you got that stupid little ring so that you know it's your dad calling.

And by the way... He knows you send him to voice mail.

- He doesn't know shit. - Yes, he does.

Because you pushed End.

You can't push End. It only rings twice and goes to voice mail.

- You gotta let it go all the way through... - I don't wanna talk to him.

Why? He's the one who support your heatedness to...

My dad's a drunk.

My dad's insane. You don't know my dad.

Forget about your dad.

And forget about Malibu Addy.

Check out this blonde at the bar. She's gorgeous.

Which one?

The one in the pink, with the straw, sucking on that straw.

Like she knows what she's doing.

She's like an 8.9, at least.

- 8.9? - Yeah.

Let me tell you something, my friend.

This girl represents everything that is wrong with this society.

From her fake tits to her fake nose.

That fake fucking smile. You see that?

To her fake fucking Dior bag.

How do you know her bag's fake?

You know what's the worst part?

She gets away with that.

She gets away with not having anything close to resembling a real personality.

The bag looks real to me.

Let me guess.

- Capricorn? - Libra.

Close enough, you wanna buy me a drink?

What makes you think you deserve a drink?

Uh, because I'm a good person.

By Hollywood standards anyway;

by normal standards, I'm a fucking asshole.

Do you, do you think I'm a good person?

Well, I don't even know you.

Well, the truth is I think you're really cute.

And I was compelled to meet you.

And normally I wouldn't succumb to my compulsion so easily.

But I'm trying to embrace a new philosophy of life that involves succumbing.

And I mean if I have to succumb, I'm glad I'm succumbing on you.

Hey.

Think of this drink as...

...as an investment for the possibility of mutual growth in this potential relationship.

And years from now,

when our daughter jumps into your lap, and asks you:

Oh, how did mommy and daddy meet?

You can look at this drink...

...as the best investment you've ever made.

But I gotta know if you're really committed...

...to continuing this conversation before I waste my time.

And just go talking and nothing happens.

I'm Georgia, by the way.

What a coincident! That's my favorite confederate state.

You're not a very rich guy, are you?

What gave that away, the generic brand cola?

You don't got a lot of stuff.

So maybe, maybe I'm not materialistic.

Did Jesus have a lot of stuff?

No, but Jesus was poor.

So, what do you do for fun?

This is pretty fun.

I mean, what do you do for excitement?

Good night.

Are you OK?

Yeah, I just have allergies, you know.

Are you crying? Your face is wet.

No, I'm OK. Just go to sleep.

Hey, wake up! You have to go.

What?

Wake up! You have to go. I'm late.

- Why? - Because I'm late.

I feel like I'm talking to Helen Keller over here.

You promised me breakfast.

There's a bagel in the fridge. Knock yourself out.

- I made you something. - What?

I love brownies.

I know, Liam, that's why I made them for you last night.

- Thanks, you're so sweet. - Oh what can I say, I'm a sweetie pie.

I'm good.

What's that?

- Ecole Des Art. What's that? - I'm applying to an art school in Paris.

What about Stanford?

- Ah, Stanford is boring. - What?

That's what you wanna do for the rest of your life?

Paint fruit and people dancing at tea parties?

I mean you're a bright girl, you know? You need a real education.

Well, shouldn't you do what you're passionate about?

Yes, yes, that all sounds great now.

You're doing what you're love. You're doing what you're passionate about.

But in 15 years, it won't be so great.

When you're selling cotton candy on the Santa Monica promenade.

So it's about money.

I just don't want you to regret this.

I don't know where to go.

I have something important to ask you.

You're in high school, what's important?

You know, condescension is not the way to a girl's heart.

Alright, I'm sorry.

What do you wanna ask me?

I'm sorry, I'm so sow-wy.

- I'm so sow-wy. - Oh, my goodness.

I know, I'm sorry. I can't do it like you can. What?

I was going to ask you if you want to come to the junior prom with me?

The junior prom. Wow.

I'm sorry, Addy. I can't go to the junior prom with you.

Why not?

Why didn't you go with Alex, or Bowtar or Hawthorne or whatever they named them nowadays.

'Cause I don't love them, Liam.

All righty.

Out of my car, Kiddo.

Who're you calling kiddo, Buster? You know what?

You better be careful 'cause one day you're gonna lose me.

And it's gonna break your heart into a million little pieces.

I could be the best thing that never happened to you and you'll regret it.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life.

Now if you excuse me, I have an algebra test to attend to.

All right, I'll see you in another life,

when we're both illustrious Peresian libertines.

Or 3 p.m., whichever comes first.

Liam, it's Mark Liu, your father.

Where are you?

Where are you anyway?

Call me!

Monday, 1:09 a.m.

Liam, why you not calling?

Your grandmother is dead.

This is Mark Liu, your father.

Monday, 1:25 a.m.

- Hello. - Yeah, I got your message.

Maybe if a few more relatives die, you'll actually come to New York, huh?

Can you give me a break? I'm just trying to make a living for myself out here.

Oh, making a living for yourself?

Without me sending you check every month.

You'll be out in the street with all the others to be or not to be.

You know, I'm sorry I called.

She left you her house in Shanghai.

Wait, what, what did you say?

- She left me her house? - Yeah.

Why... why did she leave it to me? I've never even met her.

'Cause your last name is Liu. That's why.

Or did you forget who you are, huh?

How much does it worth?

Five hundred Gs.

That should last you until the end the month.

You know, I'm sick of you criticizing my life.

I have the right to criticize it. I'm paying for it.

What about you?

I can smell the whiskey on your breath right through the handset.

I tell you what, I'll come home today...

...if you tell me you are not holding a bottle of Jack in your hand right now.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

You know what, I don't need your goddamn money.

What are you gonna do, huh? Peddle cappuccinos at Starbucks?

Well, you said I got 500 grand, right?

That oughtta, that oughtta last me to the end of the month.

I am your father, Liam. Why do you hate me?

Because you killed my mother!

Bunny!

What's wrong? -Nothing

What's wrong? Come on.

I have to go to Shanghai for a week.

Why are you going to Shanghai, silly rabbit?

My grandmother died.

I'm sorry.

I never met her or anything, but she left her house to me.

My boyfriend has a house in Shanghai? That's really cool!

Could you please not call me your boyfriend?

So anyway, I have a cousin there, who'll find a buyer for it. And I have to go over there and sell the place.

Dance with me, bunny!

- I don't want to. - Come on.

So can I go with you to Shanghai?

You have school.

But see, I don't have to go to school 'cause I'm a natural genius.

Some people are just born to be natural geniuses. And we just can't help it.

This natural genius is gonna stay right here in LA

Please.

I'm sorry.

Call me every day.

Every minute, every hour.

Will you miss me so much, like, your intestines will bleed?!

My intestines will spill buckets and buckets of blood.

Oh, that's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me.

I'll see you when I get back, OK?

- OK? - Yeah. Bye, Liam.

Do I look OK?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You look fine. Listen, Joe.

I need you to do something for me while I'm in Shanghai.

What? Wanna renew your subscription to Barely Legal?

It's Addy.

Oh, enough with Addy. Come on.

I'm just... I'm gonna lay out a general rule here, ok?

In America, if you hook up with a 16-year-old girl,

you go to prison for roughly 20 years. And I'm not talking about Culver City.

This is not about that; it's not about hooking up.

Look, you're the cool older guy right now;

but in ten years, you're just gonna be the old guy.

Just take her to school in the morning, that's it.

And make sure...

Liam, she has parents.

She's not little Orphan Annie.

What do you want me to do? Give her some clam chowder and send her to bed?

Shit! She was doing just fine before you got there.

Yeah, you're right. You're right.

- I just... - No, no, no.

- I'm right. I like to hear that. - Alright, never mind, forget it.

Shit!

What?

She was supposed to be here like an hour ago. She stood me up.

Maybe she got lost or something?

No. She thinks I'm ugly, or Republican, or both.

Yeah, what's with the brown suit?

I mean, you look like Ronald Reagan.

I asked you about this!

Let me tell you what happened.

This is what Darwin was talking about when he said natural selection.

Only I'm the one that wasn't selected.

Joe, women are absolutely everywhere, OK?

See that girl at the counter?

What do you give her?

Solid 6.

Yeah, if you flip her around, you get a 9.

C'mon, go talk to her.

- Come on, dude. - What?

No, I can't. That's ridiculous.

Why is that ridiculous?

Are you kidding?

Don't you think it's a little psycho just walking up to a girl?

Yeah, it's psycho if you shank her in the shower afterwards.

Alright.

Yeah, don't bring a knife...

I'm not bringing a knife. I'm just...

Do I look like Ronald Reagan?

You're on a good day.

Hesitation doesn't get attention.

Hi.

Oh.

Is this the butter?

I hope your plane crashes.

Maybe he's her brother?

They kissed, what is she? Angelina Jolie?

Can I order a big bowl of shame, please.

Hey, that's me!

- You're Liam? - Yes.

- How nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you. Where did you get this?

Your father send me.

Do you like it?

Eh, I don't know.

Oh, my name is Lin Ming, your cousin.

Lin Ming? Your name rhymes, that's beautiful.

Thank you. Come on, let's go.

Why didn't they give you the house?

Actually, I'm not part of Liu family.

The family name is just passed on through the sons.

My mother married into the Ming family.

Where am I staying?

Jin Mao Tower.

- Tower? - Yeah.

- I'm staying in a tower? - Yes.

What am I, Rapunzel?

Thank you.

- So, do we tip them or something? - No, not necessary.

Please.

Hey, how do you say "thank you"?

Xia Ya Nong. (Chinese)

No, no, no gratitude necessary.

Oh, it's OK. I'm not being gratuitous, just giving you a tip.

Thank you.

Oh, no. We don't need to do anything here.

- Really? - Yeah.

- This is like Jewish heaven. - Yeah.

OK, thank you for bringing the luggage here.

Wow. Look at that.

If I have a house here, why am I in a hotel?

House empty, all furniture's gone.

But don't worry.

We'll meet the buyer tomorrow.

You'll get the money and go back to America.

- It's no problem. - OK.

So what about tonight?

What's the plan, Stan?

You're Stan in this scenario, by the way.

Okie dokie.

What do you want to do?

What the hell is this?

Wasabi Pea.

You can say that again.

Wasabi Pea.

(Chinese) Can I help you two with, anything?

(Chinese) Right. He is an actor, from Hollywood; he makes movies.

- You, America? - Yeah!

You want to go for company?

Go for what?

For company!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nice, nice, nice.

You must have much money.

Girls, (Chinese) come on in.

(Chinese) Come in, come in.

American.

Smile, please.

(Chinese) If you want money to go abroad, just smile.

- Pick. - Pick?

Do you like?

Help me out here. I don't know which one should I pick.

It's up to you, whatever your taste.

I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings.

You won't hurt feelings, just pick.

I was never picked for dodgeball. It always hurt my feelings.

OK, it's not a big deal. Just pick.

Ah, look you like.

Have your eye on Emmy.

Emmy? Is that her name?

Yeah, Emmy is very sweet.

If you can touch her smell.

Um, touch her smell.

- OK, OK? - OK!

Emmy.

(Chinese) It's up to you now.

Hi.

Bye bye.

She's crazy.

Do you like her?

My name is Emmy.

- Emmy, my name is Liam. - Liam?

- Funny kind of name. - Yeah, well, I'm a funny kind of guy.

So you come here often?

First come here.

Oh, first come here...

Em, I like your ear rings.

No, not him, me.

- I like the... you know. - Thank you.

Yeah, very round.

That's my favorite shape.

OK, don't talk to him. He is not even there.

Don't you have to go somewhere?

All right.

You should sing.

I do not sing.

If I sing, everybody in room will run.

No, no, I'm sure you're not that bad.

Trust me, that bad.

OK, I believe you.

Hey, you wanna go?

You wanna go?

OK.

No, no.

Us, you, me. We go, both of us.

You want me to go with you?

You want me to want you to go...

...with me?

I'm confusing you.

Let's go. You wanna go?

I'm...

Yes? You, me, you, me. Both!

One, two, go.

- Nice room. - Thanks.

Great view.

What do you want to do now?

Whatever.

You tell me.

- Excuse me. - OK.

Hello.

Is this my very sexy Chinese man?

How do you get this number?

I have my ways.

Remember, I'm a natural genius.

I just got in a couple of hours ago.

Well, why haven't you called me? I wonder, I wonder.

My cousin was showing me around a little bit.

Oh, what have you seen?

Em, I saw a guy on a unicycle, saw a KFC...

It's about it.

- I'm going to take shower, OK? - OK, OK.

Is someone there?

I ordered room service. The girl was just bringing up late dinner.

You know I can't really take that airplane food.

Yeah, you and your sensitive digestive tract.

How's, uh, how's Shanghai?

It's beautiful.

My hotel room is on the 85th floor. I can see Japan from my window.

How's it look?

Let's just say if they're planning a sneak attack anytime soon, I'll know.

- Can I use your towel? - Yeah, yeah.

Who is that?

Um, television.

Listen, I'm so tired,

can I call you tomorrow?

I miss you, bunny.

OK, I'll be back soon.

Get out of the house, alright?

Go hang out with Summer or Marissa or one of the other girls on the OC

Bye, Liam.

Bye, Addy.

OK. I finish. What do you want? Tell me.

You know what? I'm really tired.

Do you wanna go to sleep?

Sleep?

I was... I was on a flight, you know, for... for, I don't know, 16 hours.

You know, an airplane.

Do you mind?

No, I don't mind.

Because I like you. You're a really beautiful girl.

Thank you.

- So, is it OK? - OK.

Alright. Good night.

Good night.

Hey, Liam.

Let's go.

Wake up. 3 p.m.

So, this is it, huh?

Yes.

Your grandmother lived upstairs for 60 years.

Your father born here. And grew up all his life.

Be careful.

Lots of history in this house.

It's a share with this.

But nobody here to take care of it.

Wow!

This view is amazing.

Yes, it's Huangpu River. The most important shipping outlet of Shanghai.

Divide the city into east and west.

Come on, Liam. Let me show you.

This was your father's room.

The whole family lived here.

- This place is great, I love it. - Yeah.

It must be buyers.

(Chinese) Just a minute.

(Chinese) You must be Mr. Wu.

(Chinese) Nice meeting you.

(Chinese) Not so hard to find. The place is good.

This is Mr. Wu.

(Chinese) Mr. Wu, this is my cousin from America.

(Chinese) You have an interesting cousin.

(Chinese) Does he have a girlfriend yet?

(Chinese) If he doesn't, he could become my son-in-law.

I've never been to Shanghai before.

So I'm surprised by how modern it is. You know, the architecture.

Very modern.

OK.

I like your tie.

Oh, look at that.

(Chinese) We like this house, the sunlight, and the price.

(Chinese) It's near the supermarket. Pretty good.

So Liam,

Mr. Wu said this place is so great.

It's unbelievably cheap.

Yeah, if you call 500,000 dollars cheap.

No, no, no. It's not 500,000 dollars, it's 500,000 Yuan.

How much is that in dollars?

Maybe a little less than 60,000 dollars.

Sixty thousand dollars?

No, no, no, no. I'm not selling this place for 60,000. It's crazy.

Are you crazy?

- This view is worth more than 60,000 dollars. - Yeah, yeah, I know.

My shoes are worth more than 60,000.

Tell them no, tell them I'm not selling. It's ridiculous.

OK.

(Chinese) Mr. and Mrs. Wu, I'm sorry. This house is not for sale.

(Chinese) We did not say anything about the price.

(Chinese) You make the price. Not us.

(Chinese) Your fault, not confirm the price first. Let's go back.

What happened?

I told them.

I can see that.

So, what are you going to do now?

(Chinese) Hello, where to go?

Jin Mao, please.

- Jin Gao? - Jin Mao.

Out.

No, this is not it.

Jin Gao.

Jin Mao.

Jin Gao.

Jin Mao! Mao, Jin Mao, it's a hotel.

Hotel? OK.

No, not the place.

- Hotel. - This is nothing, Jin Mao.

Ting Gao?

Jin Mao.

Bing Gao?

Look at my mouth, Jin Mao.

(Chinese) This guy is so annoying.

(Chinese) Doesn't know where he himself lives.

Yeah, what?

Oh, Oh yeah, look at that.

Get out!

What? Why you stop?

Why you stop? I'm not getting out.

Jin Jiang?

Jin Mao.

Get outta here!

Jin Mao.

- Jin Jiang? - Jin Mao, it's famous.

It's the tallest building here.

Jin Jiang.

You've been driving me around the city all day. What are you, a fucking idiot?

Where are you going? Get back here!

Jin Jiang?

Not Jin Jiang.

Jin Mao! Jin Mao! Mao! Mao! Mao!

Jin Jiang! Jiang! Jiang!

You're gonna kill me! You're gonna kill me! You're gonna kill me!

No, no, no. Jin Jiang. Jin Jiang.

I need a drink. I need a drink.

You're gonna drive me to drink. I need a drink.

Can you take me to a bar?

- Drink? - OK! OK!

You guys know how to make a chocolate martini?

What's that? Chocolate martini?

You know martini?

Yes, of course. You want a martini?

No, chocolate martini. It's a martini, but you add some chocolate in it for flavoring.

- OK? - OK, I do.

A regular martini with chocolate in it.

Chocolate martini.

- (Chinese) The usual? - (Chinese) Yeah, please.

Hi.

I'm Liam.

Micki.

You speak English?

You speak German?

Why would I speak German? We're not in Germany.

Why would I speak English? We're not in England.

Because everybody speaks English.

If that's true, then why you even asked me in the first place?

Let me guess...

You're an American and you think the world revolves around you.

You probably don't speak any other languages besides English.

That's not true. I speak Ethiopian.

That means, armchair.

Well, why don't you speak Chinese?

Because I'm an American.

You're not an American.

Your face is Chinese.

Your hair is Chinese.

Your eyes are Chinese.

Your skin is Chinese.

But you probably don't know anything about your culture.

It's a pity you don't even speak the language.

I know more than you think.

Here's your drink.

Yes, I can see you're very wise.

- Thanks. - Thank you.

So what are you, that you're so cultured? A Pilates instructor?

What's that?

Never mind.

Hey, you wanna get outta here?

This conversation's depressing me.

Eat your drink first.

So beautiful.

I never realized how beautiful Shanghai is.

Most of these building were developed in the Opium Wars.

Refresh my memory, Robert Downey Jr won the Opium Wars, right?

Who's that?

Never mind.

You're so cute, and so funny.

Yeah, but you don't laugh at, like, most of my jokes.

You're still funny.

Are all Americans so funny?

You should know. You've been there 3 years, right?

I use sense of humor as a defense mechanism when I'm nervous.

At least that's what my analyst says.

You're in analysis?

Yeah, ever since the 2nd grade when I asked out Erin McGrath.

She called me a doodie head and then pulled down my pants during recess.

Oh! That's horrible.

I can't really blame her...

...because I was quite empirically a doodie head.

But then I got very self-conscious about my penis size.

Um, I mean, you know, it was small, but I was seven.

I think, for a 7-year-old,

it was a decent size, I think.

- Are you nervous? - Yeah, a little bit.

Do I intimidate you?

You have no idea.

How was that?

I'd say let's go back to my place, but I don't know where it is.

Let me get this.

Hello?

I wrote you a poem, you wanna hear it?

Uh, yeah, sure.

I woke up lonely the day I died. The sun never sang to me so bright.

The songs of heaven that dance inside my eyes. Watching a seagull fly and time stands still.

As night turns the pavement red and I turn blue.

I thought of you and only you. In the darkness, you will come.

And dry my tears and rescue me, from the plastic cups and empty faces.

My Shanghai Kid. My One and Only.

For you I wait. Only God can stop me.

Now if it totally sucks, you can tell me. I wrote it in like 5 minutes anyway.

No, I like it.

Um, you know, I gotta get off the bus. Can I call you later?

Yeah.

Bye, Addy.

What was that ... your girlfriend?

- No, she's just a friend. - Just a friend?

- Give me a break, she's 16. - Why are you friends with a 16-year-old?

I don't know.

Excuse me.

You disgust me! You make me puke!

You make me sick! You make me fucking sick...

- What's that? - Tea egg. Tea egg.

- Egg? - Egg.

Egg? Let's get some. I'm hungry.

Hey, tea egg.

Hello, hello, hello? Wake up, back to work.

Hello, hello, hello. Ni Hao. Ni Hao.

- How much? - One Yuan.

One? One Yuan? That's like 12 cents.

I want twelve.

- So, how do you say twelve? - Twelve.

Is this good? Wait, hold on. Taste time.

- Why are you buying so many eggs? - I may not be a smart man.

But I know a good bargain when I see one.

- Wow! - What?

In this light, you're stunning.

You're a stunner.

I'm actually physically stunned.

- Well, you're not the ugliest guy I've ever met either. - OK, OK. Relax.

So, why would you sell a house that's been in your family for 100 years?

- What am I gonna do? Move to China? - Why not?

- You're Chinese, aren't you? - Why not? Why don't I do anything that makes any sense?

Why did I drop out of Columbia and move to LA to be an aspiring alcoholic?

Why is it that the only girl that I can stand being sober with, for more than an hour,

present company excluded, happens to be 16? Why can't I look my father in the face?

You're right!

I spent my entire life running away from anything Chinese, including my father.

But I come here...

...and I feel like I belong here.

Here, I'm not a Chinese guy. I'm just a guy.

- Don't move here just for me. - Do you wanna see me again?

- Of course! - Would you miss if I left?

Would you miss me?

You are the most amazing girl I've ever met!

- Hey! Chow Yun Fat! - Hey! We're both fat.

No, no, no, no, I'm sorry it's not him. It's the guy from Ramen Noodle package.

And you're the noodle.

So, how was the People's Republic?

- It's amazing. - Yeah?

It's so beautiful there, Joe. It really is. And I met a girl.

- What? Like a Chinese girl? - I met a Chinese girl!

No way! Really?

- Yeah. - Really?

- What's her name? - Her name is Micki.

- That doesn't sound Chinese. - She's beautiful.

- She's smart, sophisticated, funny. - And she's with you?

- It's a shame you had to leave. - Actually I'm gonna move there.

- What?

- I'm moving to Shanghai.

- When? - Next week!

I just, I came back to, you know, get some things, say good bye.

It's pilot season.

There are no Asian guys on television. You know that.

So, did you tell your father?

- Does Addy know? Anybody? - No, not yet.

- Don't you think you outta tell them? - I will, I will.

- Your father's gonna be a little surprised. - I don't ca-, I don't give a shit what he thinks.

Listen to yourself, man!

You're moving to Shanghai for a girl. A Chinese girl, for God's sakes.

- This is not just about the girl. - Then what is it?

It just, it feels right.

I'm Chinese. I gotta go back to my roots.

Alright, slow down, Kunta Kinte. You don't even speak Chinese.

What the hell are you gonna do? What, drive a rickshaw?

I can learn Chinese.

Learn Chinese?!? Liam, you barely speak English.

- Don't call me Liam, Liam is my slave name. - Cute. - Wait, come here, come here. - What?

- That's her. - Wow, she, uh, she sure looks like every other Asian girl in Monterey Park.

- What? - Look, you wanna move somewhere?

Move to Monterey Park, it's lovely.

I'll miss you too.

Come on, get in. And give me 5 bucks for parking.

- So you came back early. - You know the sale failed, sweetie.

- Oh, you didn't sell your house? - No.

What're you going to do now, baby?

Well, please don't call me "baby".

Baby, baby, baby, baby, ba-by.

- I have something to tell you. - Good news?

- In a way. - Let me guess.

- You're pregnant. - No, that was last month.

I got it aborted.

Oh, that's too bad. I always wanna be a father.

So what's this news?

This is hard to say.

Oh, spill it, bust it, come on!

Well, I think that we should stop.

Oh, sugar salad. Give me those, please. Yeah, sure.

You're the bestest boyfriend ever...

Yeah, OK, Addy you're a great girl. You're beautiful, and smart, and strong,

and you shouldn't be hanging around with me.

You should be with a guy your own age.

I'm gonna be 17 in, like, two weeks.

What are you? Like 8 years older than me?

12!

Big deal.

You even look like you're twelve. I'm even, almost taller than you.

Look, It's not my fault that my "upper-physial" plates fused immaturely.

- Apophyseal! - Apophyseal

- Did you drink milk? - Yes, I drank milk.

Whole or 2% fat? Did you drink fat free?

What percent milk I drank is not the point.

The point is I can drive and drink alcoholic beverages.

Not at the same time. What's your point?

Look, Woody Allen was with a woman 35 years younger than him.

Woody Allen has 3 Academy awards.

When I get 3 Academy awards I can date 12-year-olds if I want.

I met someone.

- Really? - Yeah.

Is it a girl?

No, it's an squirrel, actually. What are you talking about, is it a girl??

I don't know, you're uppity metro.

It's a Chinese girl, I met her in China.

What can I get for you? We're gonna take a sugar salad-...

You're gone, for like 3 days. 3 days! I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I don't know what you want me to say.

I feel so shitty now.

Don't feel shitty.

Let's go get the sugar salads. No, fuck sugary salad! Fuck her up her sugary ass.

- You're dumping me for some Chinese girl? - We were never really together.

Oh, right. I forgot, I'm only 16.

How are you gonna maintain the relationship with someone 7-thousands-miles-away?

I'm moving to Shanghai.

What? I'm moving there.

To Shanghai? Who moves to Shanghai? No one does that.

No one move to Shanghai. I don't know, lots of people.

I don't know. It just feels right.

You'll just leave me here to rot?

Leave you here to rot?

You live in Beverly Hills for Christ's sake. I wish I live where you lived.

Please just go see this movie, please.

I'm gonna get you a sugar salad.

Don't you have any feelings at all?

I mean your grandmother died. Don't you feel sad about that?

Don't you feel sad about anything? You're like a fucking robot.

Now you're going to China for some girl you've only known for 2 days.

Do you really think that you'll gonna find what you looking for out there?

You need to calm down. I'm going outside.

Wait, just, just wait.

I like you, Addy, I really do. It scares me how much I like you.

Then why are you leaving?

Because I feel empty here. It's like I'm pissing my life away.

LA is a cold and desolate place, Addy. It really is.

- It's like sucking the life right out of me. - Maybe it's you, Liam. You ever think about that, huh?

- Maybe it's you sucking the life outta yourself. - You're just a just a kid. Addy.

Go home.

Don't go to Shanghai, please.

It'll be a mistake, you know it'll be a mistake.

(Checkmate!)

Excuse me, Mister. Do you speak English?

I need an umbrella.

Raining, raining.

(Chinese) Excuse me.

(Chinese) Where to...

(Chinese) buy...

(Chinese) umbrella...

There are umbrellas right there. Thank you, thank you.

(Chinese) Raining? Raining?

Let's go to McDonald. This food is scaring me.

That stuff will kill you faster than poison.

Somewhere out there is a bunch of angry feet-less chicken.

Didn't your mother ever tell you not play with your food.

I don't know. I have no mother.

Everybody has a mother.

You OK? Yeah, I'm fine. It's just.

I don't really remember her.

I mean I have memories, but...

I don't know which ones are real and which ones I created because I needed them.

We don't have to talk about this. No, it's good, it's good to talk about it.

- So what happened? - Well it was my birthday. I was six...

and we were coming home from dinner.

We didn't have much money then, so going out to eat was special.

Um, so I wanted to order something special,

and after looking over the menu for 30 minutes I saw that they had turtle soup.

And I thought, wow, wouldn't it be cool to go to school on Monday and tell everyone that I had turtle.

But on the way to the bathroom I saw the live turtle in the kitchen,

and I started crying. I could never eat such a good animal.

And so I burst into the kitchen, like a knight rescuing a princess,

And I grabbed the turtle and I burst out, right? And after my parents calm down the kitchen,

My mom said that I could keep the turtle. As a birthday present.

So it was sitting on my lap, in the car, and my father was driving,

he may have been drunk,

I'm not sure, but they started arguing in Chinese.

Every time they argue in Chinese I know something's wrong.

The rest is a blur. The next thing I know, the car is flipped upside down on the side of the road.

There's this shard of glass jutting from my mother's neck.

Blood's dripping down her white blouse.

I never did found out what happened to the turtle.

You wanna go see a movie?

You have movies here, right?

- Of course. - Let me go to the men's room then we can go see a movie.

- I can't watch this. - Why not?

Because the Rock sounds like Richard Simmons. That's why not.

- Who is Richard Simmons? - Never mind.

Who's the Rock?

I'm gonna get something to drink. I'll be right back.

Hey, you've reached Addy. She's not here right now, to take your call.

I know, 'cause I'm her.

Get in the car!

Did you say get in the car? Why would I get in the car?

(Chinese) Grab him!

- Get in the car? - OK? OK?

Yeah.

You hit me.

Yes, very good, very smart.

And people are always complaining about the American education system.

What do you want?

Where are you from?

Here and there, I get around.

Where are you from?!

I'm from Los Angeles.

California!

It's beautiful there isn't it?

It's OK. Beautiful women too.

I've never been myself. But I watch Hollywood movies.

Like, um, Charlie's Angels.

You've seen Charlie's Angels? It's not one of my favorites.

- I found the plot to be lacking... - Plot??!?!

Who needs plot when you have crazy American women running around?

Right?

There's something doesn't make sense to me.

You see you have Charlie's Angels and crazy American girls...

Yet you still feel the need to come here and steal our women.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm talking about my girlfriend. Micki.

Lately she's been acting very strange. Always busy.

You know what she's doing every day?

I have no idea.

Who do you think you are?

You Americans think you can take anything you want?

- I don't think that. - You don't think that?!?

Who discovered America? Who discovered America?!

Christopher Columbus?

Oh, I forget. That's want you learned in school, right?

But I want to find out... how he can discover a country...

with already more than 40 million native Americans? Where are they now?

They welcomed you with open arms. And you killed them all.

I guess we have different text book, huh?

Look, I'm Chinese. My parents went to America as immigrants.

You will never be Chinese.

You were raised on cheese burgers and pizza.

You may think you have discovered China.

But we have been here for thousands of years.

And I'm not gonna stand around watch you take what's rightfully mine.

(Chinese) Stop the car!

Hi, you have a phone that I can use?

Telephone? I can use?

You have a...

Hi, you have phone?

Phone? (Japanese) Phone?

Sir, do you have a phone?

- Hey! - Hey!

Ma'am. Ma'am. Can I use your phone?

Please, please, please!

Here, look, look!

I give you this. You let me use that?

OK? Can I use that? I'll give you money?

Look! Look!

(Chinese) I'm not gonna sell you my phone.

This is all I have, OK? Take it.

- (Chinese) Borrow? - I'll give it right back. I'll be right here. - (Chinese) My long-distance is expensive.

Ma'am, please.

- Thank you, see, good, happy. - (Chinese) What's with you?

Thank you.

Micki!

I wanted to tell you...

I really did. But Jai Lee is not the most reasonable man.

He gets violent.

He beat you? Who is this guy?

We're to be married.

That's terrific. Congratulations. Am I invited to the wedding?

- You don't understand. - (Chinese) Sir, what would you like to order?

A bowl of wontons please.

- (Chinese) I'm sorry, I don't understand. - Wontons...

- (Chinese) A bowl of wontons. - Yes, thank you.

What don't I understand?

Do you love him?

It's not about love. Then what?

I used to work as a waitress.

And about a year ago Jai Lee comes in, throwing his money around

Telling me how beautiful I am. And how he wants to take care of me.

So this is all about money.

- See, that's why you would never understand. - What don't I understand?

You are what we call a gold digger.

- How many siblings do you have? - I don't have any.

I have five. Three sisters and two brothers.

How much does the average American make?

I don't know. Maybe 35,000.

I make 1200 a year.

My family, all seven of us. Live in a one bedroom apartment.

My father died years ago.

Leaving my mother to raise all of us. All by herself.

So no, this is not about love.

I'm with Jai Lee to ensure my family have a better life.

You are gonna stay in a loveless and abusive marriage for the rest of your life?

Trust me. There are worse things.

(Chinese) Sir, here's your wontons. Thank you.

You're hungry.

Well, getting the shit beat out of me,

Spending the night in a ditch, can be pretty consuming.

But on the upside, I did my cardio for the week.

Go back to America!

What about you?

I'll be fine.

(Chinese) Welcome back here.

(Chinese) Sorry for last time.

(Chinese) I've discussed with my cousin...

- Have you ever seen a Sinatra in concert? - Uh-uh.

What about Billie Holiday?

How old do you think I am?

Well, my favorite's Nat King Cole.

You listen to Nat King Cole?

My mommy used to play a lot of old records when I was little.

She used to sing to me a lot. You're still little.

What's wrong?

Just miss her, that's all.

Just unfair.

I mean how can someone die from lung cancer when they never even smoked.

I know what you mean.

How?

Um, I don't know. I don't, I guess.

Do you talk to your mom a lot?

- Every night. - Really?

Yeah, right before I go to sleep.

You're a good son.

Hey, Liam. Liam?

Liam, just sign this And then, you are all set!

I can't.

(Chinese) The thing is...

(Chinese) we don't want to sell now.

(Chinese) Not selling?

(Chinese) My cousin come from America. (Chinese) He thinks different than us.

- (Chinese) He may have plans for this house. - (Chinese) What are you saying? (Chinese) Not selling?

- (Chinese) Calm down ... calm down. - (Chinese) Calm down? You're not making any sense.

(Chinese) Let's go...

(Chinese) I can't believe this is happening ...

OK, this was fun.

- Call me the next time you want to do this. - Hey, can you help to transfer the deed to someone else?

I cannot accept this.

Geez, Louise. If you learn anything in life,

Learn that when someone gives you a house, you don't say, "I cannot accept this."

You say, "fuck yeah!"

- Yeah, try it. - Ok...

(Together) Fuck yeah! - ALright, we'll work on that

No one has ever done anything like this for me before.

All I know is if you marry Jai Lee, you're gonna regret it.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life.

Oh, can you do me a favor?

Before you kicked me out of your house.

Anything.

Can you read one of these letters to me? Of course.

This is from your father.

My Xiaoyin,

I have missed you these past few months.

And I regret that I cannot be with you during this vulnerable time.

I hope that my mother is taking good care of you.

Because she is so excited to become a grandmother.

I am working hard in Suzhou

to save enough money for us to go to America.

I hope to make enough money

so that we can go before you give birth.

I want our son to be born there

so he can become the president of the United States one day.

Please know, you will always be with me.

Liu Yi

Wow.

Yeah, I'll say.

Thanks

Thank you.

Thank you for everything.

Dad?

Dad?

Dad?

Dad? Hey

I loved her. I Know.

I'm sorry.

- You forgive me? - You look skinny.

- I'll take you to lunch. - No, I'll take you to lunch. I have a job now.

I'm peddling cappuccinos at Starbucks.

Haha, my son. I cannot believe it. You work for The Man, huh?

Working for The Man. Like the kids want to say, huh?

- Nobody says that, dad. - Are you sure?

You've been away too long. A kid down the street, say it all the time.

Damn, I miss that taste.

How about this girl? Over there, the blonde.

Like a 7.6, 7.7? What do you think?

She's OK. OK?

You don't wanna play anymore?

Joe, did you ever think that assigning women a numerical value between 1 and 10,

based on artificial qualities, is kind of superficial?

Liam, if you don't think she's cute... just say you don't think she's cute.

You know what I think?

I made a big mistake with Addy.

You can come up with a list of hundreds of qualities that you think are important

in another person, but in the end, the heart wants what it wants.

You spend your entire life fighting that.

Oh, my God. You just, you just you go crazy.

Yeah, I'm, uh, sorta going crazy just listening to you.

Sorry.

So, you could ramble on about it with me for the rest of the day.

Or, or ... You could call her.

You know what, I'm not gonna call her. I'm gonna go over there.

- I got it. - Thanks.

How you're gonna get there?

- You've sold your car. - I'll walk, I'll walk, I'll run, I'll fly over there.

- Alright, I'll catch you later. - C'mon, nobody walks in LA

(Excuse me, I'm sorry.) (You see that guy over there...)

- Hi. - Hi.

- What're you doing here? - I came to see you.

And I know I'm probably the last person you want to see right now.

And I wouldn't blame you if you slam the door in my face. And I deserve it.

I get the door slammed.

Who is it, sweetie?

- Just, Chinese. - Great.

Go to Paris.

What?

I want you to go to Paris. I want you to see the world.

I want you to do what you're passionate about.

When I was in Shanghai I had a lot of time to think.

Nobody spoke English and the movies there suck.

But, I realized how badly I treated you.

I mean you have so much heart. You can sing to the world.

And I always made it seem like you needed me. You don't, you never did...

I'm the one who needed you.

And I was scared...

Scared of you growing up.

Scared of you wake up one morning and realizing that you didn't need me.

Scared of you going off to Paris... seeing the whole world out there without me.

But I'm not scared anymore. And I love enough to let you go.

I mean, you dumped me. And then you have this epiphany in Shanghai.

And now you're standing here, basically, giving me permission to live my life?

And by the way, news flash,

- I'm already going to Paris. - You are?

Next week.

Great. Perfect.

That's what I wanted to hear.

Um, you're gonna, you're gonna learn so much.

Your are gonna meet so many interesting people.

If you are running into Gerard Depardieu, tell him that I loved him in Green Card.

Why do you make it so hard for me to hate you?

God, I'm starving. So, do you need some cash, bunny?

- I'm gonna found out? - OK.

- So, where's the food? - I, uh, I left it, I left it at the restaurant.

So, is this goodbye?

More like, see you later.

I'll just...

That was weird.

- You read the copy? - Uh, yeah, sure.

Just start whenever you're ready then

OK.

Right into the camera.

Do you have genital herpes?

It's just... Lately...

I've been feeling itching and burning around in my genital area.

And how did this happen to me. I ask myself...

Was it that girl in Puerto Rico? I knew she wasn't a virgin.

But will I ever be able to love again? Will anyone love me?

Am I supposed to spend my entire life alone? Because of one drunken night?

This is what I felt... Before I tried Provium.

Provium daily suppressive therapy can help reduce the frequency of outbreaks.

Make the most out of your life. Ask your doctor if Provium is right for you.

Wow, that was amazing.

You know, I really believed you have genital herpes.

- Do you? - Uh, no. No, I don't.

Well, I don't think we need to see anyone else.

Sorry.

I'll miss you!

Go to Paris?! Stupid!

Goddamn it. So stupid.

Hey.

Either you came to see me or you ordered a mail-order bride.

I saw you with that guy.

He's one of my instructors, and he's as gay as a pineapple.

You still remember me?

Bunny, you're my every other memory.

- How'd you know I was coming in? - I called your dad.

God, you're like obsessed with me or something.

I'm more than obsessed I'm daffy about you.

- Daffy like a duck? - Daffy like a duck!

Uhhh.... oh! These are... these are for you.

Thanks.

So you think we have a chance?

Anything's possible. It's the beauty of living.