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1
00:00:07,937 --> 00:00:20,271
Traducerea Costy Busuioc
Www.ro-filme.top
2
00:00:26,896 --> 00:00:30,436
Push, push, push!
3
00:00:30,437 --> 00:00:34,020
I can't do it! It hurts!
I hate you, bitch!
4
00:00:34,021 --> 00:00:34,936
Hey!
5
00:00:34,937 --> 00:00:39,353
Sorry, but the expectant mother
often lashes out at her support system.
6
00:00:39,354 --> 00:00:41,686
Lainy, why do we
have to play "mom" every day?
7
00:00:41,687 --> 00:00:43,770
I don't even want to be a mom.
8
00:00:43,771 --> 00:00:45,561
Never say that, Kate.
9
00:00:45,562 --> 00:00:49,520
Being a mom is the greatest thing
a human being can do.
10
00:00:49,521 --> 00:00:51,895
And someday, when we do it for real,
11
00:00:51,896 --> 00:00:53,770
we're gonna have to be there
for each other.
12
00:00:53,771 --> 00:00:56,186
- Because our moms are dead.
- Mm-hmm.
13
00:00:56,187 --> 00:00:58,979
Now hold my hand! I'm crowning!
14
00:00:59,562 --> 00:01:01,186
[screaming]
15
00:01:01,187 --> 00:01:03,270
["Manhattan" by Cat Power playing]
16
00:01:03,271 --> 00:01:05,936
♪ The hotel above and the street below
People come... ♪
17
00:01:05,937 --> 00:01:08,686
[line ringing]
18
00:01:08,687 --> 00:01:11,187
[yawns]
19
00:01:12,062 --> 00:01:15,186
Lainy, did you call me just to yawn?
20
00:01:15,187 --> 00:01:17,562
Kate, I can't dictate what my body needs.
21
00:01:18,271 --> 00:01:20,395
But you really think it's happening today?
22
00:01:20,396 --> 00:01:21,436
[Kate] Are you serious?
23
00:01:21,437 --> 00:01:25,020
He's taking you to a fancy restaurant
on your anniversary.
24
00:01:25,021 --> 00:01:27,603
- He's going to propose!
- [squeals excitedly]
25
00:01:27,604 --> 00:01:31,395
I mean, he said he has something
very special to ask you. It's happening.
26
00:01:31,396 --> 00:01:33,978
Oh, gosh! I can't handle it.
27
00:01:33,979 --> 00:01:36,645
Okay, so you really think
today is the day?
28
00:01:36,646 --> 00:01:38,395
I know today is the day.
29
00:01:38,396 --> 00:01:41,228
And today is also the day
that I find a gray pube,
30
00:01:41,229 --> 00:01:43,228
because I just found a gray pube. Wow.
31
00:01:43,229 --> 00:01:44,311
Ooh, can I see?
32
00:01:44,312 --> 00:01:46,186
- Get the hell out of here!
- Okay. All right.
33
00:01:46,187 --> 00:01:47,936
It'll make your bush look wiser.
34
00:01:47,937 --> 00:01:50,728
[Kate] Now this thing is going to look
like Steve Martin by the summer.
35
00:01:50,729 --> 00:01:55,521
Goddammit. Mark, where are my tweezers
that are supposed to be just for me?
36
00:01:57,104 --> 00:01:59,187
- [grunts]
- [Kate] Oh, God, are you okay?
37
00:01:59,771 --> 00:02:02,311
All good.
That's why I leave the pillows there.
38
00:02:02,312 --> 00:02:06,228
Found it. Sorry about that.
Had a nasty-ass ingrown.
39
00:02:06,229 --> 00:02:08,061
- Get out.
- Okay.
40
00:02:08,062 --> 00:02:10,103
- Goddammit.
- [door closes]
41
00:02:10,104 --> 00:02:11,436
Are you going to say yes?
42
00:02:11,437 --> 00:02:12,936
Uh, yes.
43
00:02:12,937 --> 00:02:14,270
Yeah, marriage!
44
00:02:14,271 --> 00:02:16,978
I've been waiting
for this moment for so long.
45
00:02:16,979 --> 00:02:18,271
Honey, it's happening.
46
00:02:20,104 --> 00:02:21,353
Do I have a mustache?
47
00:02:21,354 --> 00:02:22,812
No, you're insane.
48
00:02:23,396 --> 00:02:25,561
No, do I have a fucking mustache?
49
00:02:25,562 --> 00:02:27,520
I love you so much.
I'll see you at school.
50
00:02:27,521 --> 00:02:29,271
- Bye.
- Hey, do I have a fucking mustache?
51
00:02:37,021 --> 00:02:39,020
Oh my God, Mark? Mark?
52
00:02:39,021 --> 00:02:40,271
[Mark] Yeah?
53
00:02:41,396 --> 00:02:43,478
Oh, this time you don't come in. Come in!
54
00:02:43,479 --> 00:02:44,645
[Mark] Okay. Just...
55
00:02:44,646 --> 00:02:46,521
[uplifting music playing]
56
00:02:48,229 --> 00:02:49,186
Oh...
57
00:02:49,187 --> 00:02:50,812
Oh, babe.
58
00:02:51,896 --> 00:02:53,811
- Oh my God.
- We're having a baby.
59
00:02:53,812 --> 00:02:55,229
We're gonna have a baby.
60
00:02:56,021 --> 00:02:57,396
Why is it wet?
61
00:02:58,062 --> 00:02:59,771
It's piss, Mark.
62
00:03:00,354 --> 00:03:06,895
{\an8}"Oh, Romeo! Romeo!
Wherefore art thou, Romeo?"
63
00:03:06,896 --> 00:03:07,978
{\an8}[whimsical music playing]
64
00:03:07,979 --> 00:03:11,145
{\an8}"Deny thy father and refuse thy name,
65
00:03:11,146 --> 00:03:13,311
{\an8}or if thou wilt not,
66
00:03:13,312 --> 00:03:15,145
be but sworn, my love,
67
00:03:15,146 --> 00:03:18,561
I'll no longer be a Capulet."
68
00:03:18,562 --> 00:03:19,937
Ms. Newton...
69
00:03:20,729 --> 00:03:23,561
I'm unbelievably uncomfortable right now.
70
00:03:23,562 --> 00:03:26,811
Okay. Thank you
for expressing that to me, Brett.
71
00:03:26,812 --> 00:03:28,520
Go ahead, take your seat.
72
00:03:28,521 --> 00:03:31,854
Now, does everyone understand
73
00:03:32,896 --> 00:03:36,061
what's happening in this masterful text?
74
00:03:36,062 --> 00:03:39,478
Yeah, Juliet's trying to smash.
75
00:03:39,479 --> 00:03:40,895
[students laughing]
76
00:03:40,896 --> 00:03:44,228
Yes. Very funny, Liam.
That is one way of looking at it.
77
00:03:44,229 --> 00:03:46,146
But it's more pure than that.
78
00:03:47,396 --> 00:03:51,478
These two people are in love,
and that's how you all got here.
79
00:03:51,479 --> 00:03:53,146
Your parents fell in love,
80
00:03:54,021 --> 00:03:56,479
and then you gave them
the greatest gift of all...
81
00:03:57,187 --> 00:03:59,396
when you made them mommies and daddies.
82
00:04:00,396 --> 00:04:01,771
You have a mustache.
83
00:04:02,354 --> 00:04:03,520
[whispering] I knew it.
84
00:04:03,521 --> 00:04:04,853
[inhaling, smacking lips]
85
00:04:04,854 --> 00:04:06,936
- [cell phone vibrates]
- Oh!
86
00:04:06,937 --> 00:04:09,896
Everyone, work on your summaries, okay?
87
00:04:14,521 --> 00:04:15,561
Hi.
88
00:04:15,562 --> 00:04:17,603
[Dave] Hey, smoke show,
I left my watch at home.
89
00:04:17,604 --> 00:04:19,270
Mind grabbing it on the way to dinner?
90
00:04:19,271 --> 00:04:21,936
Makes everything else I'm wearing
look a little better, you know?
91
00:04:21,937 --> 00:04:24,104
Sure, I can grab it.
92
00:04:24,771 --> 00:04:27,228
Sounds like you want to
look really sharp for tonight.
93
00:04:27,229 --> 00:04:28,603
I gotta look good for you, babe.
94
00:04:28,604 --> 00:04:30,686
Thanks for getting the watch.
I'll see you tonight.
95
00:04:30,687 --> 00:04:31,687
You got it. Bye.
96
00:04:33,229 --> 00:04:35,271
You look happy. I don't like it.
97
00:04:35,896 --> 00:04:37,895
I think Dave's popping
the question tonight.
98
00:04:37,896 --> 00:04:39,561
Ooh!
99
00:04:39,562 --> 00:04:42,061
I guess I can free myself up
to be maid of honor.
100
00:04:42,062 --> 00:04:43,770
I can't do weekends, though.
101
00:04:43,771 --> 00:04:46,270
Yeah. I don't know
if you'll have to worry about that.
102
00:04:46,271 --> 00:04:47,770
What are you doing here?
103
00:04:47,771 --> 00:04:50,061
I'm a guidance counselor, so I'm guiding.
104
00:04:50,062 --> 00:04:52,021
A lot of lost souls in this school.
105
00:04:52,521 --> 00:04:55,270
If it wasn't for me,
it would be a shitshow.
106
00:04:55,271 --> 00:04:56,437
Hey!
107
00:04:57,646 --> 00:04:58,895
Where were you?
108
00:04:58,896 --> 00:05:01,812
[sniffs] You smell like cocaine.
I'll be back.
109
00:05:02,562 --> 00:05:04,186
We can talk about dresses later.
110
00:05:04,187 --> 00:05:07,021
What have you got in your locker?
Eight ball, nine ball?
111
00:05:09,854 --> 00:05:12,562
♪ Do it, baby, do what I should think ♪
112
00:05:13,396 --> 00:05:15,937
{\an8}["Million Dollar Baby"
by Tommy Richman playing]
113
00:05:16,812 --> 00:05:19,396
♪ Do it, baby, do what I should think ♪
114
00:05:19,979 --> 00:05:22,353
♪ Do it, baby, do what I could think ♪
115
00:05:22,354 --> 00:05:24,604
♪ I ain't never rep a set, baby ♪
116
00:05:25,229 --> 00:05:26,645
♪ Ain't do no wrong ♪
117
00:05:26,646 --> 00:05:29,062
Wait till I decorate this place.
118
00:05:29,854 --> 00:05:32,686
♪ 'Cause I want to make it, so badly... ♪
119
00:05:32,687 --> 00:05:33,604
Ah!
120
00:05:34,312 --> 00:05:35,811
There you are.
121
00:05:35,812 --> 00:05:38,603
- ♪ Don't at me ♪
- ♪ Hell no ♪
122
00:05:38,604 --> 00:05:41,896
♪ You rep my city for so damn long ♪
123
00:05:42,604 --> 00:05:43,854
[chuckles excitedly]
124
00:05:44,729 --> 00:05:46,521
Oh, Dave.
125
00:05:47,687 --> 00:05:50,103
Size four? I love that you think that.
126
00:05:50,104 --> 00:05:52,896
♪ Do it, baby, do what I should think ♪
127
00:05:53,479 --> 00:05:56,479
♪ Do it, baby, do what I could think ♪
128
00:05:57,104 --> 00:05:58,271
Gosh.
129
00:06:04,646 --> 00:06:06,686
["Chemicals" by SG Lewis playing]
130
00:06:06,687 --> 00:06:08,937
[people chattering indistinctly]
131
00:06:22,396 --> 00:06:25,146
[chuckles] Sorry. Hi.
132
00:06:28,021 --> 00:06:28,979
Don't get up.
133
00:06:29,604 --> 00:06:30,854
- Hey, babe.
- Hi.
134
00:06:32,646 --> 00:06:33,645
[both chuckling]
135
00:06:33,646 --> 00:06:36,729
Did you see
I had a little stumble on the stairs?
136
00:06:37,521 --> 00:06:38,478
A stumble?
137
00:06:38,479 --> 00:06:39,645
[chuckles]
138
00:06:39,646 --> 00:06:41,937
I think that girl tripped me.
139
00:06:42,896 --> 00:06:45,311
You look nice. I like the dress.
140
00:06:45,312 --> 00:06:47,562
Well, thank you. I'm a little tight.
141
00:06:48,437 --> 00:06:50,561
I feel like I'm breathing through a straw.
142
00:06:50,562 --> 00:06:53,562
But we're all going to end up
that way someday, right?
143
00:06:55,146 --> 00:06:57,687
I'm just joking about
getting old and dying.
144
00:06:59,312 --> 00:07:00,229
Let's order.
145
00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:02,354
Showtime.
146
00:07:07,646 --> 00:07:09,770
So, anyway, um...
147
00:07:09,771 --> 00:07:13,436
- Four years, me and you, long-ass time.
- [Lainy chuckles excitedly]
148
00:07:13,437 --> 00:07:14,728
You're telling me.
149
00:07:14,729 --> 00:07:16,728
And I was thinking to myself,
150
00:07:16,729 --> 00:07:19,271
"Dave, it's time to level this shit up."
151
00:07:20,312 --> 00:07:21,853
- Yeah, level it up.
- [Dave] Right?
152
00:07:21,854 --> 00:07:23,186
The champagne you ordered, sir.
153
00:07:23,187 --> 00:07:25,061
I got it, thanks. You guys can go.
154
00:07:25,062 --> 00:07:28,728
We're in the middle of
something really important. [chuckling]
155
00:07:28,729 --> 00:07:30,104
Let's go.
156
00:07:30,687 --> 00:07:35,437
Lainy... [clears throat] ...I want you
to make me the luckiest man alive.
157
00:07:35,937 --> 00:07:37,228
Bon appétit.
158
00:07:37,229 --> 00:07:39,229
[Lainy] Oh my God. It's beautiful.
159
00:07:40,646 --> 00:07:42,687
This is it, right? It's here?
160
00:07:43,354 --> 00:07:44,437
Aw...
161
00:07:45,312 --> 00:07:46,811
Where you at?
162
00:07:46,812 --> 00:07:48,895
What the... What are you doing?
163
00:07:48,896 --> 00:07:50,311
I am... I...
164
00:07:50,312 --> 00:07:52,645
[chuckles] Sorry, I thought...
165
00:07:52,646 --> 00:07:54,686
Um... I'm just really nervous,
166
00:07:54,687 --> 00:07:57,396
but say what you were saying,
don't worry about this.
167
00:07:58,271 --> 00:07:59,311
Lainy...
168
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:00,687
[dramatic music playing]
169
00:08:01,312 --> 00:08:02,479
I want us...
170
00:08:05,687 --> 00:08:07,270
to have a threesome.
171
00:08:07,271 --> 00:08:08,604
[music fades]
172
00:08:09,187 --> 00:08:10,895
Uh, a what what?
173
00:08:10,896 --> 00:08:12,062
A threesome.
174
00:08:12,562 --> 00:08:14,311
Look, babe, our relationship is strong.
175
00:08:14,312 --> 00:08:15,728
Let's open it up, right?
176
00:08:15,729 --> 00:08:17,520
Oh, uh, this is Moira.
177
00:08:17,521 --> 00:08:20,812
Hi! Davey's told me so much about you.
178
00:08:21,396 --> 00:08:23,729
Oh, it's my dress.
I knew I left it over there.
179
00:08:24,396 --> 00:08:27,770
What the fuck, Dave?
I thought you wanted to get married.
180
00:08:27,771 --> 00:08:29,854
Lainy, come on.
181
00:08:30,354 --> 00:08:32,145
You can't have a threesome with your wife.
182
00:08:32,146 --> 00:08:34,353
- That's weird, right?
- Yeah, that's gross.
183
00:08:34,354 --> 00:08:36,436
[Dave] Wife, weird. Girlfriend, cool.
184
00:08:36,437 --> 00:08:38,270
Anyway, I'm going to pay for this check.
185
00:08:38,271 --> 00:08:39,978
We'll go back to my apartment,
186
00:08:39,979 --> 00:08:42,811
chisel you out of that dress,
and see what happens.
187
00:08:42,812 --> 00:08:44,979
[screams]
188
00:08:45,729 --> 00:08:48,187
Lainy, what the fuck?
189
00:08:49,021 --> 00:08:51,353
[sobbing loudly]
190
00:08:51,354 --> 00:08:53,187
Lainy, you are causing a scene.
191
00:08:53,937 --> 00:08:57,229
You want a scene? You want a scene!
192
00:08:57,729 --> 00:08:59,937
[screaming]
193
00:09:01,271 --> 00:09:04,561
I'll show you a fucking scene!
You want a scene?
194
00:09:04,562 --> 00:09:07,645
Here's a scene
coming at you and your dress!
195
00:09:07,646 --> 00:09:08,979
Fuck you!
196
00:09:09,854 --> 00:09:10,686
Lainy.
197
00:09:10,687 --> 00:09:12,396
I didn't really eat dinner.
198
00:09:14,104 --> 00:09:15,021
[Dave] Lainy!
199
00:09:15,687 --> 00:09:17,270
This food sucks.
200
00:09:17,271 --> 00:09:19,521
- [Dave] It doesn't have to be Moira!
- [sobs]
201
00:09:20,812 --> 00:09:22,271
[music fades]
202
00:09:31,354 --> 00:09:33,187
- [student] Ms. Newton?
- What?
203
00:09:33,937 --> 00:09:35,729
Do you want me to hand out the quizzes?
204
00:09:41,229 --> 00:09:42,229
No.
205
00:09:44,896 --> 00:09:46,854
It's going to be an oral exam.
206
00:09:47,646 --> 00:09:48,479
[student] What?
207
00:09:50,062 --> 00:09:52,770
I'm assuming
you're all familiar with oral.
208
00:09:52,771 --> 00:09:54,186
Little perverts.
209
00:09:54,187 --> 00:09:56,146
[breathing deeply, exhaling]
210
00:09:56,646 --> 00:09:57,604
Brett.
211
00:09:58,937 --> 00:10:01,353
What is Romeo and Juliet about?
212
00:10:01,354 --> 00:10:03,728
Oh, um, it's a beautiful love story.
213
00:10:03,729 --> 00:10:05,811
[mimicking buzzer]
214
00:10:05,812 --> 00:10:07,353
Wrong answer.
215
00:10:07,354 --> 00:10:09,395
Boo. Everyone boo Brett.
216
00:10:09,396 --> 00:10:11,728
[students hesitantly] Boo.
217
00:10:11,729 --> 00:10:14,811
- Really "boo" him.
- [louder] Boo!
218
00:10:14,812 --> 00:10:17,479
Boo! Very naive.
219
00:10:18,479 --> 00:10:19,645
Who was it?
220
00:10:19,646 --> 00:10:21,270
Ah! Liam.
221
00:10:21,271 --> 00:10:27,020
Yes. Liam, will you remind us,
what is Romeo and Juliet really about?
222
00:10:27,021 --> 00:10:29,311
Romeo just wants a piece?
223
00:10:29,312 --> 00:10:31,978
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!
224
00:10:31,979 --> 00:10:32,895
Right answer!
225
00:10:32,896 --> 00:10:36,978
Tell him what he's won!
A big fat dose of reality, kids.
226
00:10:36,979 --> 00:10:38,436
Because guess what?
227
00:10:38,437 --> 00:10:41,645
Romeo doesn't just want Juliet. No!
228
00:10:41,646 --> 00:10:45,311
Romeo wants pussy
from all over fair Verona.
229
00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:48,228
And he wants
a fucking threesome with Moira?
230
00:10:48,229 --> 00:10:51,229
Have you ever heard of Moira? [grunts]
231
00:10:51,812 --> 00:10:53,020
What's a threesome?
232
00:10:53,021 --> 00:10:55,395
A threesome? Glad you asked this.
233
00:10:55,396 --> 00:10:58,645
Okay, everybody take notes,
because this is important.
234
00:10:58,646 --> 00:11:02,562
Get out your phone calculators
and whatever else the fuck you want.
235
00:11:03,979 --> 00:11:08,062
A threesome is when three people...
236
00:11:09,854 --> 00:11:14,520
do what only two people should do.
237
00:11:14,521 --> 00:11:15,936
Like a seesaw?
238
00:11:15,937 --> 00:11:18,145
- Exactly like a seesaw!
- [gasping]
239
00:11:18,146 --> 00:11:20,436
You know what?
Pass your books to the front.
240
00:11:20,437 --> 00:11:22,895
Everybody pass copies
of your books to the front.
241
00:11:22,896 --> 00:11:26,311
Come on, I don't have all day.
Come on, give me the fucking books!
242
00:11:26,312 --> 00:11:28,436
Let's go, let's go, come on!
243
00:11:28,437 --> 00:11:29,979
- Hurry up!
- I'm scared.
244
00:11:31,479 --> 00:11:35,146
Is this about your mustache?
'Cause it looks a lot better.
245
00:11:38,729 --> 00:11:41,103
This isn't about my mustache.
246
00:11:41,104 --> 00:11:44,896
This is about the fact that Shakespeare...
247
00:11:45,771 --> 00:11:47,021
is dog shit.
248
00:11:47,896 --> 00:11:49,479
And love...
249
00:11:50,479 --> 00:11:53,021
is a fucking lie.
250
00:12:00,479 --> 00:12:01,854
[fire crackling]
251
00:12:03,812 --> 00:12:05,729
[blowing]
252
00:12:06,687 --> 00:12:09,646
["A N X I E T Y" by Sleepy Hallow playing]
253
00:12:10,729 --> 00:12:13,521
Um, Ms. Newton,
should we evacuate the school?
254
00:12:14,354 --> 00:12:15,520
Mm-hmm.
255
00:12:15,521 --> 00:12:18,353
♪ Look, shit got me tripping
Fighting with my demons... ♪
256
00:12:18,354 --> 00:12:22,311
Stay away from the fire.
We're not sure how it got lit.
257
00:12:22,312 --> 00:12:23,895
We'll get to the bottom of it.
258
00:12:23,896 --> 00:12:27,561
- [fire alarm ringing]
- Get out, kids! We're gonna die! Get out!
259
00:12:27,562 --> 00:12:30,436
I don't want to burn to death! Get out!
260
00:12:30,437 --> 00:12:31,770
♪ It don't come with a coupon ♪
261
00:12:31,771 --> 00:12:34,145
♪ And they'll never catch it
Like a ***** with no arms ♪
262
00:12:34,146 --> 00:12:36,436
♪ Baby, I'm trippin'
My feelings been fryin' me ♪
263
00:12:36,437 --> 00:12:38,728
♪ I blame it all on anxiety
I had two chops... ♪
264
00:12:38,729 --> 00:12:41,645
[woman] All right, guys, come on.
Hurry up, let's go.
265
00:12:41,646 --> 00:12:43,603
♪ They showing real love
That's unlikely ♪
266
00:12:43,604 --> 00:12:45,228
♪ Fuck you, I ain't ask you to like me ♪
267
00:12:45,229 --> 00:12:47,811
♪ Watch for that snake, he might bite me
Watch out for anybody... ♪
268
00:12:47,812 --> 00:12:50,604
Excuse me. Sorry. Everyone, stay warm.
269
00:12:52,521 --> 00:12:53,604
Stay calm.
270
00:12:54,812 --> 00:12:56,312
Okay. Excuse me.
271
00:12:57,062 --> 00:12:59,061
[siren wailing]
272
00:12:59,062 --> 00:13:00,728
♪ Anxiety, keep on trying me ♪
273
00:13:00,729 --> 00:13:02,478
♪ Feel it quietly ♪
274
00:13:02,479 --> 00:13:04,146
♪ Tryna silence me, yeah ♪
275
00:13:04,729 --> 00:13:05,603
♪ Anxiety... ♪
276
00:13:05,604 --> 00:13:06,937
[chattering indistinctly]
277
00:13:08,021 --> 00:13:10,020
♪ Somebody's watching me... ♪
278
00:13:10,021 --> 00:13:10,978
Hi.
279
00:13:10,979 --> 00:13:12,770
[song fades]
280
00:13:12,771 --> 00:13:15,728
Oh, honey. I am so sorry.
281
00:13:15,729 --> 00:13:17,145
It's not your fault.
282
00:13:17,146 --> 00:13:18,187
[Kate] Look at me.
283
00:13:18,771 --> 00:13:21,520
You are the moon. And the stars.
284
00:13:21,521 --> 00:13:24,728
And he is a dirty diaper.
285
00:13:24,729 --> 00:13:28,646
A tampon landfill monster.
286
00:13:29,229 --> 00:13:31,061
I just thought he was the one.
287
00:13:31,062 --> 00:13:32,645
You know, like the one, one.
288
00:13:32,646 --> 00:13:33,729
Fuck Dave.
289
00:13:34,354 --> 00:13:36,396
You don't need him or any guy.
290
00:13:37,312 --> 00:13:38,936
I want a family.
291
00:13:38,937 --> 00:13:40,186
That's my dream.
292
00:13:40,187 --> 00:13:43,103
You will have that dream. Anyone can.
293
00:13:43,104 --> 00:13:44,645
Anyone except for me,
294
00:13:44,646 --> 00:13:51,020
because Dave wants to explore
new vagina holes and butt holes.
295
00:13:51,021 --> 00:13:52,603
What about my holes?
296
00:13:52,604 --> 00:13:55,020
My holes aren't good enough
to shit a baby out of?
297
00:13:55,021 --> 00:13:57,103
Okay, can you stop saying holes?
298
00:13:57,104 --> 00:14:00,395
Sorry, it's just
thinking about a baby's thick head
299
00:14:00,396 --> 00:14:02,436
coming out of my hole is just too much.
300
00:14:02,437 --> 00:14:04,604
I can't take that right now.
Oh, thank you.
301
00:14:05,437 --> 00:14:06,396
[Kate sighing]
302
00:14:07,854 --> 00:14:10,561
You're not drinking. You look like shit.
303
00:14:10,562 --> 00:14:13,646
You don't want to talk about holes.
Are you fucking pregnant?
304
00:14:17,729 --> 00:14:19,436
- No!
- No?
305
00:14:19,437 --> 00:14:21,395
No! Get rid of it!
306
00:14:21,396 --> 00:14:22,520
What?
307
00:14:22,521 --> 00:14:24,770
No, I'm sorry.
I don't know why I said that.
308
00:14:24,771 --> 00:14:25,895
I'm sorry. God.
309
00:14:25,896 --> 00:14:29,145
I just...
I thought that I would have a baby first
310
00:14:29,146 --> 00:14:31,853
and you would wait too long and, you know,
311
00:14:31,854 --> 00:14:34,270
try and adopt
and that wouldn't really pan out
312
00:14:34,271 --> 00:14:37,478
and you would just get
some weird pet, like, off-brand,
313
00:14:37,479 --> 00:14:39,728
like a ferret or some shit. I don't know.
314
00:14:39,729 --> 00:14:41,728
[sobs] But I'm so happy for you.
315
00:14:41,729 --> 00:14:42,853
A baby?
316
00:14:42,854 --> 00:14:44,187
[chuckles]
317
00:14:45,479 --> 00:14:47,728
Lainy, I didn't want
to tell you right now.
318
00:14:47,729 --> 00:14:48,895
Please don't be mad.
319
00:14:48,896 --> 00:14:51,270
Stop! Why would I be mad at you?
320
00:14:51,271 --> 00:14:53,186
A baby. I'm so happy for you.
321
00:14:53,187 --> 00:14:54,521
Well, I mean...
322
00:14:55,396 --> 00:14:58,020
Yes, but you just demanded
I have an abortion.
323
00:14:58,021 --> 00:15:00,686
This is terrible timing.
I thought that you would be engaged
324
00:15:00,687 --> 00:15:02,978
and I'd be pregnant
and it'd be so nice, but I--
325
00:15:02,979 --> 00:15:04,853
No, it's fine. It is nice.
326
00:15:04,854 --> 00:15:06,187
It's amazing.
327
00:15:07,896 --> 00:15:09,396
You're having a baby.
328
00:15:10,146 --> 00:15:11,811
I know. It's so weird.
329
00:15:11,812 --> 00:15:13,186
So crazy.
330
00:15:13,187 --> 00:15:15,061
[both chuckling]
331
00:15:15,062 --> 00:15:17,395
Thank you for knowing
I was gonna need to eat.
332
00:15:17,396 --> 00:15:18,686
Yeah, I knew.
333
00:15:18,687 --> 00:15:20,104
[instruments tuning]
334
00:15:21,187 --> 00:15:24,562
To just celebrating you
and not thinking about Dave.
335
00:15:25,521 --> 00:15:28,311
[man] Hi, I'm Dave,
and we're the Threesomes.
336
00:15:28,312 --> 00:15:31,978
This is the first song
off our debut album, Threesome.
337
00:15:31,979 --> 00:15:33,520
It's called "Threesome."
338
00:15:33,521 --> 00:15:35,979
[jazz music playing]
339
00:15:43,062 --> 00:15:45,395
[Kate] Are you sure
you're all good to be here today?
340
00:15:45,396 --> 00:15:46,395
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
341
00:15:46,396 --> 00:15:48,479
I'm, uh, fine.
342
00:15:49,604 --> 00:15:52,103
Being at work
is the best thing for me right now.
343
00:15:52,104 --> 00:15:53,895
Why would you want a family anyway
344
00:15:53,896 --> 00:15:56,936
when you're working
with these bleeding hemorrhoids all day?
345
00:15:56,937 --> 00:15:57,978
You heard me, Liam.
346
00:15:57,979 --> 00:15:59,811
You're the only teacher who can't swim.
347
00:15:59,812 --> 00:16:01,145
Lots of people can't swim.
348
00:16:01,146 --> 00:16:03,020
I'm gonna fuck his dad,
become his stepmom,
349
00:16:03,021 --> 00:16:04,228
and put him up for adoption.
350
00:16:04,229 --> 00:16:05,895
We're not supposed to threaten them.
351
00:16:05,896 --> 00:16:08,645
Lanes, this is me.
You got this, bitch. You're the GOAT.
352
00:16:08,646 --> 00:16:11,061
Don't talk like that in front of the baby.
353
00:16:11,062 --> 00:16:13,311
It's not even a baby yet,
it's just an embryo.
354
00:16:13,312 --> 00:16:15,853
It's not even an embryo,
it's just fermenting cum.
355
00:16:15,854 --> 00:16:17,936
It's just sitting in there like... [warbles]
356
00:16:17,937 --> 00:16:21,270
Thank you so much for that visual today.
357
00:16:21,271 --> 00:16:24,228
Ha! Golden Girls, Golden Girls.
358
00:16:24,229 --> 00:16:27,186
Wow. How do you even know that show?
Aren't you too young?
359
00:16:27,187 --> 00:16:30,061
No, I looked up older lady references
so I could connect with you guys,
360
00:16:30,062 --> 00:16:31,728
my senior coworkers.
361
00:16:31,729 --> 00:16:33,853
Now, let me see the hand.
362
00:16:33,854 --> 00:16:36,228
I need to go live with this
to show my followers.
363
00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:38,646
- No, you don't need to see my hand.
- Let me see. Stop.
364
00:16:40,854 --> 00:16:42,311
Okay.
365
00:16:42,312 --> 00:16:44,103
- Oh, no.
- No, it's good.
366
00:16:44,104 --> 00:16:45,770
{\an8}Looks like I got some bad intel.
367
00:16:45,771 --> 00:16:47,353
{\an8}No, it's actually really good.
368
00:16:47,354 --> 00:16:50,353
I decided I wasn't ready to settle down.
369
00:16:50,354 --> 00:16:52,187
Really? At your age, honey?
370
00:16:53,562 --> 00:16:55,812
Because aren't you in your, like... [gags]
371
00:16:57,021 --> 00:16:57,937
...forties?
372
00:16:58,521 --> 00:17:00,853
- Yes, I am. Are you okay?
- [gags]
373
00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:03,436
- I'm so sorry.
- It's fine. Please.
374
00:17:03,437 --> 00:17:04,646
- Okay.
- Okay.
375
00:17:05,771 --> 00:17:07,186
God, I hate her.
376
00:17:07,187 --> 00:17:08,311
She's the worst.
377
00:17:08,312 --> 00:17:09,645
[techno music playing]
378
00:17:09,646 --> 00:17:12,854
It's like, look at that.
She's a teacher of children.
379
00:17:14,729 --> 00:17:16,520
Are you allowed to smoke in here?
380
00:17:16,521 --> 00:17:17,771
Yeah, it's just pot.
381
00:17:21,146 --> 00:17:24,103
Can you believe
that tarantula's gonna be a mother?
382
00:17:24,104 --> 00:17:25,603
Shirley's pregnant?
383
00:17:25,604 --> 00:17:26,646
Yeah.
384
00:17:27,187 --> 00:17:29,395
Her and Kate
will be together all the time,
385
00:17:29,396 --> 00:17:31,854
which frees us up
to work on our friendship.
386
00:17:33,604 --> 00:17:37,270
[Shirley] One, two. One, two.
One, five, six, seven, eight.
387
00:17:37,271 --> 00:17:38,979
[somber music playing]
388
00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:44,521
[Lainy sighing]
389
00:17:46,104 --> 00:17:47,103
No, no, no.
390
00:17:47,104 --> 00:17:48,812
Oh, God. Would you talk to me?
391
00:17:49,479 --> 00:17:50,478
Please.
392
00:17:50,479 --> 00:17:52,311
- Hi!
- Would you just talk to me?
393
00:17:52,312 --> 00:17:55,061
Lainy. Oh, my God,
what are you doing here?
394
00:17:55,062 --> 00:17:58,311
- Oh, getting coffee. It's a coffee shop.
- You okay?
395
00:17:58,312 --> 00:18:00,020
- I'm good.
- Want to talk about it?
396
00:18:00,021 --> 00:18:00,936
- Nope.
- Chin up.
397
00:18:00,937 --> 00:18:02,895
- Okay, please get off of me.
- My God, sad outfit.
398
00:18:02,896 --> 00:18:06,021
I'm just catching up with a good friend,
so I can't really talk.
399
00:18:06,646 --> 00:18:07,728
Who's this?
400
00:18:07,729 --> 00:18:08,729
Um...
401
00:18:09,646 --> 00:18:10,603
Latte.
402
00:18:10,604 --> 00:18:12,562
- His name's Latte?
- Yeah.
403
00:18:13,271 --> 00:18:17,729
Yeah. It's, you know,
just spelled like latte. [chuckling]
404
00:18:18,312 --> 00:18:19,228
Would you please?
405
00:18:19,229 --> 00:18:21,061
I did not know
you were such a little slut.
406
00:18:21,062 --> 00:18:23,561
- Okay. Please.
- I love this for you. So proud.
407
00:18:23,562 --> 00:18:24,770
[Lainy] Okay. Thank you.
408
00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:28,020
No, I don't... want to do this.
409
00:18:28,021 --> 00:18:29,228
Can I use your bathroom?
410
00:18:29,229 --> 00:18:30,895
- [man] Yeah. Right there.
- Oh, God.
411
00:18:30,896 --> 00:18:32,103
She stresses me out.
412
00:18:32,104 --> 00:18:34,271
Sorry, I work with her. She's the worst.
413
00:18:35,271 --> 00:18:37,936
She's always just,
like, talking to me, you know?
414
00:18:37,937 --> 00:18:41,353
Kind of like, I guess,
what I'm doing to you right now.
415
00:18:41,354 --> 00:18:43,770
Well, you gotta
pay that stuff forward, right?
416
00:18:43,771 --> 00:18:45,312
[chuckles]
417
00:18:46,187 --> 00:18:47,271
Wait a second.
418
00:18:47,854 --> 00:18:48,770
Old Navy?
419
00:18:48,771 --> 00:18:52,229
Oh my gosh. This is really amazing.
420
00:18:52,979 --> 00:18:54,229
Are you my mirror?
421
00:18:56,354 --> 00:18:59,603
- No, it's not good.
- We got to work on our mirror work.
422
00:18:59,604 --> 00:19:01,686
Look, I don't want to upset you,
423
00:19:01,687 --> 00:19:05,686
but Old Navy is in no way
affiliated with the Navy.
424
00:19:05,687 --> 00:19:07,895
- What?
- I know, I'm so sorry.
425
00:19:07,896 --> 00:19:09,686
- Oh, no.
- Somebody had to tell you.
426
00:19:09,687 --> 00:19:11,146
You're old enough to know now.
427
00:19:11,729 --> 00:19:15,145
I have to stop thanking
all their employees for their service.
428
00:19:15,146 --> 00:19:16,978
Yeah, and applying for veterans' benefits.
429
00:19:16,979 --> 00:19:17,936
[chuckles]
430
00:19:17,937 --> 00:19:19,395
What is your name again?
431
00:19:19,396 --> 00:19:20,478
My name is Latte.
432
00:19:20,479 --> 00:19:23,603
- No, stop. What was your real name?
- My name is Josh.
433
00:19:23,604 --> 00:19:25,521
- Josh? [chuckling]
- Yeah.
434
00:19:27,062 --> 00:19:28,062
- Well...
- [clears throat]
435
00:19:29,812 --> 00:19:31,061
Black cold brew for Josh.
436
00:19:31,062 --> 00:19:33,186
- That's me.
- Cold brew in the winter?
437
00:19:33,187 --> 00:19:35,603
- And...
- You don't have to say it. I'm right here.
438
00:19:35,604 --> 00:19:37,561
- You don't--
- Kid's hot chocolate with...
439
00:19:37,562 --> 00:19:39,686
...a crazy-slash-ridiculous amount
of whipped cream.
440
00:19:39,687 --> 00:19:42,103
So much whipped cream that
it's pretty much a milkshake.
441
00:19:42,104 --> 00:19:43,312
For Sasha Fierce.
442
00:19:43,896 --> 00:19:45,937
- Wow.
- Thank you. Very thorough.
443
00:19:46,521 --> 00:19:48,645
You can give them any name you want.
444
00:19:48,646 --> 00:19:50,145
I'm trying to live out loud.
445
00:19:50,146 --> 00:19:52,561
- Well, that's deafening.
- Yeah.
446
00:19:52,562 --> 00:19:54,061
- Yeah.
- [chill music playing]
447
00:19:54,062 --> 00:19:56,145
All right. I'm going this way, which...
448
00:19:56,146 --> 00:19:57,811
- I'm over here.
- All right.
449
00:19:57,812 --> 00:19:59,436
- Have a nice day.
- You too.
450
00:19:59,437 --> 00:20:01,271
See you when we're both swabbing the deck.
451
00:20:01,854 --> 00:20:02,979
What's that?
452
00:20:04,104 --> 00:20:07,645
I was going for another Old Navy... bit.
453
00:20:07,646 --> 00:20:10,145
Oh, yeah. Uh, anchors away. Land ho!
454
00:20:10,146 --> 00:20:11,479
What'd you call me?
455
00:20:12,104 --> 00:20:15,354
Oh! Sorry. Land sophisticated lady.
456
00:20:17,812 --> 00:20:18,770
Bye, Latte.
457
00:20:18,771 --> 00:20:19,937
Ms. Fierce.
458
00:20:27,646 --> 00:20:28,686
[music fades]
459
00:20:28,687 --> 00:20:31,520
Everything's so soft here.
460
00:20:31,521 --> 00:20:32,604
I know.
461
00:20:33,187 --> 00:20:35,812
Oh, God, these mannequins
are really freaking me out.
462
00:20:36,604 --> 00:20:38,521
That's what you're going to look like.
463
00:20:39,604 --> 00:20:41,395
I'm with child.
464
00:20:41,396 --> 00:20:43,020
- Sanpellegrino.
- Thank you.
465
00:20:43,021 --> 00:20:44,187
Thank you.
466
00:20:46,896 --> 00:20:48,936
Man, my boobs really hurt.
467
00:20:48,937 --> 00:20:50,145
- Really?
- Yeah.
468
00:20:50,146 --> 00:20:52,395
And I can't stop puking.
469
00:20:52,396 --> 00:20:54,061
[groans]
470
00:20:54,062 --> 00:20:55,854
- Oh, that's cute.
- Gross.
471
00:20:56,937 --> 00:20:59,728
Does it look like
"picking up the boys from soccer"?
472
00:20:59,729 --> 00:21:01,479
- [Lainy sighing]
- [Kate chuckling]
473
00:21:03,021 --> 00:21:07,020
You know, this store is just...
It's a little much, right?
474
00:21:07,021 --> 00:21:10,853
Yeah, no, it's like, it's awful.
We didn't have to do this.
475
00:21:10,854 --> 00:21:13,436
You dragged me in here.
I wanted to get a pedicure.
476
00:21:13,437 --> 00:21:14,645
No, no, no.
477
00:21:14,646 --> 00:21:17,145
I just want you to see
how supportive I am.
478
00:21:17,146 --> 00:21:20,395
And you are.
I always feel supported by you.
479
00:21:20,396 --> 00:21:22,936
If this is too hard, that's okay.
480
00:21:22,937 --> 00:21:24,978
No, it's not tough for me.
481
00:21:24,979 --> 00:21:26,228
I've just...
482
00:21:26,229 --> 00:21:29,687
I've been feeling
a little lonely lately, but I, uh...
483
00:21:30,854 --> 00:21:33,853
You know, you probably
don't even remember what that's like.
484
00:21:33,854 --> 00:21:37,645
Uh, married people can feel very lonely.
485
00:21:37,646 --> 00:21:39,686
I have been really horny, though.
486
00:21:39,687 --> 00:21:43,061
- Really?
- I can't stop masturbating to weird stuff.
487
00:21:43,062 --> 00:21:43,978
[Lainy] Oh.
488
00:21:43,979 --> 00:21:46,770
- Like The Golden Bachelor.
- Yeah?
489
00:21:46,771 --> 00:21:49,228
Something about it.
Maybe because my dad left?
490
00:21:49,229 --> 00:21:53,729
Okay. You know,
we should have more, like, secrets.
491
00:21:54,479 --> 00:21:56,353
- [groans]
- What's wrong?
492
00:21:56,354 --> 00:21:58,812
- I'm gonna throw up my acai bowl.
- Oh.
493
00:21:59,562 --> 00:22:01,895
- You want me to hold your hair?
- No. I'm okay.
494
00:22:01,896 --> 00:22:02,896
[Kate retching]
495
00:22:07,687 --> 00:22:09,687
[mysterious music playing]
496
00:22:13,562 --> 00:22:15,562
[Lainy inhaling, exhaling]
497
00:22:29,229 --> 00:22:31,229
[wondrous music playing]
498
00:22:44,562 --> 00:22:48,686
Yeah. I'm 11 months, he won't come out.
499
00:22:48,687 --> 00:22:51,395
I'm gonna start charging him rent.
It's so hard.
500
00:22:51,396 --> 00:22:54,186
[woman] Miss, are you all right in there?
Do you need another size?
501
00:22:54,187 --> 00:22:55,936
No, I don't. Thank you.
502
00:22:55,937 --> 00:22:57,896
Oh, sweetheart.
503
00:22:58,646 --> 00:23:02,561
I know. You're adjusting
to the changes your body is going through.
504
00:23:02,562 --> 00:23:05,436
Just remember, this is a gift.
505
00:23:05,437 --> 00:23:07,853
You and your husband must be so excited.
506
00:23:07,854 --> 00:23:10,396
Or your wife. Or your...
507
00:23:12,312 --> 00:23:14,604
DoorDash driver.
508
00:23:15,187 --> 00:23:16,061
Oh.
509
00:23:16,062 --> 00:23:18,811
Uh, can I have a moment?
Can we have a moment?
510
00:23:18,812 --> 00:23:21,936
Women are miracles. How far along are you?
511
00:23:21,937 --> 00:23:24,853
Maybe, judging by
your facial bloating, five months?
512
00:23:24,854 --> 00:23:26,853
- I'll break your fucking neck.
- What was that?
513
00:23:26,854 --> 00:23:28,770
I've been a freaking wreck.
514
00:23:28,771 --> 00:23:32,228
Well, I would be too
if my ankles were that big.
515
00:23:32,229 --> 00:23:34,479
So how long have you been pregnant?
516
00:23:36,729 --> 00:23:40,395
Thanksgiving. It's my favorite parade.
517
00:23:40,396 --> 00:23:41,311
What?
518
00:23:41,312 --> 00:23:44,561
I'm gonna go and get you a burrito,
and then I'm gonna rub your feet.
519
00:23:44,562 --> 00:23:46,645
- You need to be pampered.
- Yes, I do.
520
00:23:46,646 --> 00:23:48,895
- Okay, stay right there.
- Yes. I will.
521
00:23:48,896 --> 00:23:49,979
Okay.
522
00:23:51,229 --> 00:23:52,312
[mouthing]
523
00:23:53,646 --> 00:23:54,646
[Kate] Lainy?
524
00:23:55,146 --> 00:23:55,978
[velcro tearing]
525
00:23:55,979 --> 00:23:57,979
[mysterious music playing]
526
00:24:00,312 --> 00:24:02,645
- Come on.
- Do I have anything on my face?
527
00:24:02,646 --> 00:24:05,311
No, you're great.
You know, everyone likes water.
528
00:24:05,312 --> 00:24:06,479
[music fades]
529
00:24:14,687 --> 00:24:15,604
[student coughing]
530
00:24:25,687 --> 00:24:27,271
[line ringing]
531
00:24:28,396 --> 00:24:29,686
[Dave] Hey, you've reached Dave.
532
00:24:29,687 --> 00:24:31,228
- [Moira] And Moira.
- [Andy] And Andy.
533
00:24:31,229 --> 00:24:32,937
[all] We're busy right now.
534
00:24:33,646 --> 00:24:34,603
[Dave] Leave a message.
535
00:24:34,604 --> 00:24:36,146
Get your finger out of there.
536
00:24:37,479 --> 00:24:39,020
[indistinct chatter]
537
00:24:39,021 --> 00:24:41,104
[contemplative music playing]
538
00:24:45,521 --> 00:24:46,354
Hi!
539
00:24:48,062 --> 00:24:49,811
- I heard you coming.
- How you doing?
540
00:24:49,812 --> 00:24:51,103
- Oh, my gosh.
- You good?
541
00:24:51,104 --> 00:24:52,396
Yeah. I'm good.
542
00:24:53,354 --> 00:24:55,395
I texted you last night. Did you get it?
543
00:24:55,396 --> 00:24:57,479
[somber acoustic music playing]
544
00:25:01,812 --> 00:25:05,937
Mmm! So great. You guys do a great job.
545
00:25:26,646 --> 00:25:27,646
[keyboard clacking]
546
00:25:37,729 --> 00:25:39,729
[music fades]
547
00:25:42,062 --> 00:25:43,771
[mysterious music playing]
548
00:25:51,937 --> 00:25:53,520
[uplifting music playing]
549
00:25:53,521 --> 00:25:54,479
[chuckles softly]
550
00:25:55,729 --> 00:25:57,186
Mazel, mazel, mazel.
551
00:25:57,187 --> 00:25:58,520
[Lainy chuckling] Thank you.
552
00:25:58,521 --> 00:25:59,936
Congratulations, Mama.
553
00:25:59,937 --> 00:26:01,354
Oh, thanks.
554
00:26:05,979 --> 00:26:07,061
Looking good, Mama.
555
00:26:07,062 --> 00:26:08,228
Oh!
556
00:26:08,229 --> 00:26:09,396
Thanks.
557
00:26:10,437 --> 00:26:12,396
Bro, move, she's pregnant.
558
00:26:13,729 --> 00:26:14,937
[Lainy chuckling]
559
00:26:15,937 --> 00:26:18,437
[Lainy chuckling]
560
00:26:20,187 --> 00:26:21,187
Pregnant.
561
00:26:22,729 --> 00:26:27,353
[automated voice] The next stop
is Metropolitan Avenue/Lorimer Street.
562
00:26:27,354 --> 00:26:28,521
[intercom beeps]
563
00:26:33,021 --> 00:26:33,979
[Lainy coughs]
564
00:26:35,354 --> 00:26:36,311
Oh, oh.
565
00:26:36,312 --> 00:26:37,396
Thanks, yeah.
566
00:26:41,562 --> 00:26:43,437
- You look so beautiful.
- Yeah.
567
00:26:44,396 --> 00:26:46,229
Oh, thank you.
568
00:26:46,812 --> 00:26:49,271
It's like your skin is glowing.
569
00:26:49,937 --> 00:26:50,937
Wow.
570
00:26:51,687 --> 00:26:53,895
It's probably because I'm pregnant.
[chuckling]
571
00:26:53,896 --> 00:26:54,853
[woman chuckling]
572
00:26:54,854 --> 00:26:56,895
Mom, I want to get pregnant.
573
00:26:56,896 --> 00:26:59,936
- I want to get pregnant tonight.
- What? No, no, you don't.
574
00:26:59,937 --> 00:27:02,979
- Not when you're 15.
- You never let me do anything!
575
00:27:06,104 --> 00:27:07,104
[mouthing] Sorry.
576
00:27:07,687 --> 00:27:09,104
[mouthing] Fuck you.
577
00:27:12,312 --> 00:27:14,479
- [mysterious music playing]
- [indistinct chatter]
578
00:27:15,187 --> 00:27:16,562
Hey. Thanks.
579
00:27:20,229 --> 00:27:21,812
[women chattering indistinctly]
580
00:27:23,104 --> 00:27:25,104
[soft music playing]
581
00:27:30,937 --> 00:27:32,437
Everyone settle.
582
00:27:33,521 --> 00:27:35,145
Mamaste.
583
00:27:35,146 --> 00:27:36,436
[all] Mamaste.
584
00:27:36,437 --> 00:27:41,728
Let's all take a slow breath
into our space of motherhood.
585
00:27:41,729 --> 00:27:44,228
Inhale and pull up from the vagina.
586
00:27:44,229 --> 00:27:45,811
[instructor inhaling]
587
00:27:45,812 --> 00:27:49,645
And exhale through your butthole.
588
00:27:49,646 --> 00:27:51,687
[women farting]
589
00:27:53,521 --> 00:27:56,020
Up, up, up through the vagina.
590
00:27:56,021 --> 00:28:00,936
And out the anus butt.
591
00:28:00,937 --> 00:28:03,396
[farting continues]
592
00:28:04,687 --> 00:28:06,728
Now open your eyes.
593
00:28:06,729 --> 00:28:08,145
Welcome.
594
00:28:08,146 --> 00:28:10,728
Before we begin, any new mamas here today?
595
00:28:10,729 --> 00:28:12,561
There's a new next to me.
596
00:28:12,562 --> 00:28:13,645
Mamaste.
597
00:28:13,646 --> 00:28:15,895
- Mamaste.
- [all] Mamaste.
598
00:28:15,896 --> 00:28:18,520
Mama some. Moccasin.
599
00:28:18,521 --> 00:28:20,562
How many weeks are you?
600
00:28:22,312 --> 00:28:23,936
We do the Mayan calendar,
601
00:28:23,937 --> 00:28:27,478
so it's like Labor Day, leap year,
602
00:28:27,479 --> 00:28:28,646
Thanksgiving.
603
00:28:29,312 --> 00:28:32,186
Sorry, I'm in my space still,
but do your class.
604
00:28:32,187 --> 00:28:34,521
- [woman farts]
- Let's keep those in now.
605
00:28:35,521 --> 00:28:37,936
You are so very welcome here today.
606
00:28:37,937 --> 00:28:42,062
Now let's all get into happy baby
or whatever pose feels right to you.
607
00:28:43,854 --> 00:28:45,186
[woman clearing throat]
608
00:28:45,187 --> 00:28:47,896
[women groaning, exhaling]
609
00:28:55,521 --> 00:28:57,854
[woman 2 moaning, exhaling]
610
00:29:05,812 --> 00:29:06,854
[softly] Okay...
611
00:29:10,937 --> 00:29:11,811
Hmm... Oh!
612
00:29:11,812 --> 00:29:12,728
[Lainy grunting]
613
00:29:12,729 --> 00:29:15,853
- [all gasping]
- Holy fuck! Oh, God.
614
00:29:15,854 --> 00:29:17,436
I'm okay. I'm fine.
615
00:29:17,437 --> 00:29:20,436
- Please don't touch me.
- I just want to make sure that the baby--
616
00:29:20,437 --> 00:29:22,561
Hey, hey, step away from her.
617
00:29:22,562 --> 00:29:24,604
If she wants help, she will ask.
618
00:29:25,646 --> 00:29:27,104
[grunts loudly]
619
00:29:34,104 --> 00:29:35,646
Hey, hey.
620
00:29:36,146 --> 00:29:39,520
Thank you so much
for standing up for me in there.
621
00:29:39,521 --> 00:29:41,228
Of course. Are you okay?
622
00:29:41,229 --> 00:29:42,728
Oh, yeah. I'm fine. Yeah.
623
00:29:42,729 --> 00:29:45,395
The energy in there
was just like a little nuts.
624
00:29:45,396 --> 00:29:48,228
- Right, yeah.
- Thought I would try the yoga thing...
625
00:29:48,229 --> 00:29:50,520
...but that was obviously not for me.
626
00:29:50,521 --> 00:29:53,936
It smelled like
a fucking queef salad in there.
627
00:29:53,937 --> 00:29:55,395
Yeah, it did.
628
00:29:55,396 --> 00:29:57,146
Right? It's disgusting.
629
00:29:57,729 --> 00:29:59,353
- Yeah. I'm Megan.
- Lainy.
630
00:29:59,354 --> 00:30:03,353
Ugh, my hormones are out of control,
and my husband is driving me insane.
631
00:30:03,354 --> 00:30:04,895
I'm sure I don't have to tell you.
632
00:30:04,896 --> 00:30:09,437
Well, actually, I don't have a husband,
so you probably do have to tell me.
633
00:30:10,604 --> 00:30:12,312
Oh, because I...
634
00:30:13,312 --> 00:30:15,061
We're not together.
635
00:30:15,062 --> 00:30:17,978
I'm single, doing it alone.
636
00:30:17,979 --> 00:30:19,811
Bless you, that is so brave.
637
00:30:19,812 --> 00:30:21,562
- Thank you. Yeah.
- Yeah.
638
00:30:22,187 --> 00:30:24,395
How's it going?
How's your pregnancy going?
639
00:30:24,396 --> 00:30:25,562
Perfect...
640
00:30:27,354 --> 00:30:29,770
...ly sucky.
641
00:30:29,771 --> 00:30:30,978
- God, it sucks.
- Yeah.
642
00:30:30,979 --> 00:30:34,395
Right? I hope this little shit
appreciates everything I'm going through.
643
00:30:34,396 --> 00:30:35,478
- Well, it won't.
- Right.
644
00:30:35,479 --> 00:30:36,437
How are your nipples?
645
00:30:37,312 --> 00:30:38,145
Real big.
646
00:30:38,146 --> 00:30:40,479
No, no, no, I meant, are they dry?
647
00:30:41,271 --> 00:30:42,853
Because mine are like scones.
648
00:30:42,854 --> 00:30:45,936
So dry. I thought it was the only one.
649
00:30:45,937 --> 00:30:47,686
No, I have the best nipple balm.
650
00:30:47,687 --> 00:30:49,103
[Lainy] Really? Wow.
651
00:30:49,104 --> 00:30:52,186
- You should get some of this.
- Oh my God. Yes. Thank you so much.
652
00:30:52,187 --> 00:30:53,437
God, I need it.
653
00:30:54,021 --> 00:30:55,936
Ugh! [chuckles]
654
00:30:55,937 --> 00:30:57,353
Is that a normal amount or...
655
00:30:57,354 --> 00:30:59,811
[Megan] A little bit actually
does go a pretty long way...
656
00:30:59,812 --> 00:31:01,311
- ...but that's okay.
- Thank God.
657
00:31:01,312 --> 00:31:03,937
Oh, little bit? Okay.
I'll put the rest of it back.
658
00:31:04,729 --> 00:31:06,353
Actually, why don't you keep it?
659
00:31:06,354 --> 00:31:08,186
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, totally.
660
00:31:08,187 --> 00:31:09,395
- That's so nice.
- Yeah.
661
00:31:09,396 --> 00:31:11,478
I wish I had something cool to give you.
662
00:31:11,479 --> 00:31:12,936
- You're so funny.
- Thank you.
663
00:31:12,937 --> 00:31:14,853
Is it weird if I ask you to hang out?
664
00:31:14,854 --> 00:31:16,686
No, no, I would love to hang out.
665
00:31:16,687 --> 00:31:18,145
- Amazing.
- Yes.
666
00:31:18,146 --> 00:31:19,895
Oh, fancy seeing you here.
667
00:31:19,896 --> 00:31:23,686
- There's my guys.
- Oh my God. So cute.
668
00:31:23,687 --> 00:31:25,145
- Yeah.
- Hi.
669
00:31:25,146 --> 00:31:28,020
Cute little face
almost tore my asshole open.
670
00:31:28,021 --> 00:31:30,353
Why don't you come over
for dinner this week?
671
00:31:30,354 --> 00:31:31,853
- Hey!
- Put yourself in. Here.
672
00:31:31,854 --> 00:31:33,811
- Okay.
- And I'm Steve, by the way.
673
00:31:33,812 --> 00:31:35,353
- Hi.
- Sorry, my husband, Steve.
674
00:31:35,354 --> 00:31:36,436
Congratulations.
675
00:31:36,437 --> 00:31:37,812
On what?
676
00:31:38,562 --> 00:31:41,187
On being preg... pregnant?
677
00:31:41,896 --> 00:31:44,311
Oh, yeah, I am pregnant.
678
00:31:44,312 --> 00:31:46,562
- Oh... [chuckles]
- Sorry, I...
679
00:31:47,146 --> 00:31:50,437
Pregnant, loving it, but hating it.
Ugh! God.
680
00:31:51,562 --> 00:31:53,436
- Right?
- All right. Well, we'll see you later.
681
00:31:53,437 --> 00:31:54,811
Yeah. Nice to meet you.
682
00:31:54,812 --> 00:31:56,811
Nice to meet you. Bye, little cutie.
683
00:31:56,812 --> 00:31:58,561
[Megan] Why are you so early?
684
00:31:58,562 --> 00:31:59,603
[Steve] Was that early?
685
00:31:59,604 --> 00:32:01,354
What the fuck am I doing?
686
00:32:02,104 --> 00:32:02,937
[sighs]
687
00:32:05,062 --> 00:32:07,146
["RIDE" by Mia Rodriguez playing]
688
00:32:09,812 --> 00:32:11,770
Thanks for coming to this.
689
00:32:11,771 --> 00:32:13,603
Hey, I want to spend time with you.
690
00:32:13,604 --> 00:32:17,811
If that means I'm going to Shirley's
corny gender reveal party, so be it.
691
00:32:17,812 --> 00:32:19,895
[indistinct chatter, laughter]
692
00:32:19,896 --> 00:32:22,936
So, I was thinking about your baby shower,
693
00:32:22,937 --> 00:32:26,561
and I think we should do, like,
a Real Housewives of New Jersey theme.
694
00:32:26,562 --> 00:32:30,603
- Like, big hair, long nails.
- Yeah?
695
00:32:30,604 --> 00:32:32,353
- Like, really go for it.
- Yeah.
696
00:32:32,354 --> 00:32:36,771
Well, um, it's just going to
have to be a joint baby shower.
697
00:32:37,479 --> 00:32:38,353
Joint with who?
698
00:32:38,354 --> 00:32:39,687
[Shirley squealing]
699
00:32:40,979 --> 00:32:44,478
Oh, my God, you're so pretty! Oh, oh...
700
00:32:44,479 --> 00:32:46,561
Sad. Your life.
701
00:32:46,562 --> 00:32:47,520
Okay.
702
00:32:47,521 --> 00:32:48,936
I'm so proud of you.
703
00:32:48,937 --> 00:32:51,895
Wait, come outside.
We are about to do the reveal. Ah, ah!
704
00:32:51,896 --> 00:32:53,936
- So squishy. Okay, come on, guys.
- Okay.
705
00:32:53,937 --> 00:32:56,228
[Shirley] Piñata time! Let's go.
706
00:32:56,229 --> 00:32:58,811
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
707
00:32:58,812 --> 00:33:01,978
Gather round, mother fingerers,
I want to make a toast.
708
00:33:01,979 --> 00:33:05,770
Well, looks like
I got my baby girl pregnant.
709
00:33:05,771 --> 00:33:08,103
- Whoopsie daisy.
- [cheering]
710
00:33:08,104 --> 00:33:10,978
Turns out my scrote gravy's
more potent than I thought,
711
00:33:10,979 --> 00:33:13,561
shooting premium gasolina.
712
00:33:13,562 --> 00:33:16,478
This guy's the reason
there's so many lesbians now.
713
00:33:16,479 --> 00:33:18,895
All right, should we fuck up
this baby or what?
714
00:33:18,896 --> 00:33:21,645
- [all cheering]
- Hold on! I want to do a speech.
715
00:33:21,646 --> 00:33:22,853
It's my time, baby.
716
00:33:22,854 --> 00:33:24,353
- [man] Yeah, go ahead.
- I love you.
717
00:33:24,354 --> 00:33:25,728
- I love you.
- I love you.
718
00:33:25,729 --> 00:33:26,895
[crowd] Aw.
719
00:33:26,896 --> 00:33:29,228
- I'm going to go kill myself.
- No, no, no.
720
00:33:29,229 --> 00:33:32,478
So, we weren't sure if it should be
Rawn or me who whack the piñata
721
00:33:32,479 --> 00:33:34,145
to reveal our baby's gender.
722
00:33:34,146 --> 00:33:37,103
But we have finally decided that the honor
723
00:33:37,104 --> 00:33:40,270
should go to someone who's gone through
some really tough times lately.
724
00:33:40,271 --> 00:33:43,853
So, I thought this might lift
that 200-pound spirit off the ground.
725
00:33:43,854 --> 00:33:46,728
Lainy, get up here and whack this baby!
726
00:33:46,729 --> 00:33:48,145
[all cheering]
727
00:33:48,146 --> 00:33:49,603
- Lucky.
- Stop.
728
00:33:49,604 --> 00:33:52,061
Uh, yeah, I'd rather not.
729
00:33:52,062 --> 00:33:53,021
Boo!
730
00:33:54,937 --> 00:33:56,728
Go. Come on.
731
00:33:56,729 --> 00:33:58,811
Okay, got it. Thank you.
732
00:33:58,812 --> 00:34:00,936
- [man] Yeah, give it a whack!
- Okay.
733
00:34:00,937 --> 00:34:02,395
[all cheering]
734
00:34:02,396 --> 00:34:05,561
Okay, I really don't understand
why I'm the one doing this.
735
00:34:05,562 --> 00:34:07,646
[upbeat music playing]
736
00:34:08,354 --> 00:34:09,646
Fuck the haters.
737
00:34:10,812 --> 00:34:12,687
- [groans]
- [all gasping]
738
00:34:13,271 --> 00:34:14,936
I'm okay. I'm okay.
739
00:34:14,937 --> 00:34:16,478
[all exclaiming]
740
00:34:16,479 --> 00:34:18,561
- Oh my God!
- [woman] She can't swim!
741
00:34:18,562 --> 00:34:20,437
- Shit.
- [man] She can't swim!
742
00:34:21,479 --> 00:34:22,604
[woman 2] Hang on!
743
00:34:23,437 --> 00:34:26,561
It's a girl! It's red inside!
744
00:34:26,562 --> 00:34:30,187
It's blood! That's your blood!
745
00:34:31,062 --> 00:34:32,520
Whoo!
746
00:34:32,521 --> 00:34:33,604
I'm gonna...
747
00:34:34,729 --> 00:34:36,686
- Oh, God.
- [Fallon] Fuck you, Lainy!
748
00:34:36,687 --> 00:34:38,771
[chill music playing]
749
00:34:50,521 --> 00:34:51,896
[woman] She can't swim!
750
00:34:53,271 --> 00:34:54,853
- Lainy, hi.
- Hi.
751
00:34:54,854 --> 00:34:56,853
- Come in.
- Thank you. Thank you.
752
00:34:56,854 --> 00:34:59,270
- Oh my God. It's so nice.
- Oh, thank you.
753
00:34:59,271 --> 00:35:03,146
Yeah. I brought you a book.
I think you'll dig her.
754
00:35:03,729 --> 00:35:05,520
Why are you so sweet?
755
00:35:05,521 --> 00:35:07,061
I'm just a really great person.
756
00:35:07,062 --> 00:35:08,395
Should I take my shoes off or...
757
00:35:08,396 --> 00:35:11,561
Uh, yeah, I mean only if you don't mind
stepping on food.
758
00:35:11,562 --> 00:35:14,312
Our place is so dirty,
it should just be condemned.
759
00:35:15,562 --> 00:35:16,728
[growling]
760
00:35:16,729 --> 00:35:19,395
Hey, he's got the knives again, Steve!
761
00:35:19,396 --> 00:35:20,312
I'm on it!
762
00:35:24,354 --> 00:35:25,396
Sorry.
763
00:35:26,562 --> 00:35:27,771
[Steve] Connor!
764
00:35:29,646 --> 00:35:31,729
Connor, come here, buddy!
765
00:35:32,521 --> 00:35:33,354
[Lainy shushing]
766
00:35:34,354 --> 00:35:36,061
[Steve] Connor!
767
00:35:36,062 --> 00:35:37,895
- Oh, you!
- Hi!
768
00:35:37,896 --> 00:35:38,853
He went that way.
769
00:35:38,854 --> 00:35:39,896
- Okay.
- Yeah.
770
00:35:41,604 --> 00:35:42,936
[exhales]
771
00:35:42,937 --> 00:35:45,311
[Megan] I've had such a day.
772
00:35:45,312 --> 00:35:48,311
And this gives me such bad heartburn,
but I don't even care.
773
00:35:48,312 --> 00:35:50,104
- Thank you.
- Of course.
774
00:35:50,979 --> 00:35:55,896
To treating pregnant women like people
and believing in science.
775
00:35:56,687 --> 00:35:57,686
Hear, hear!
776
00:35:57,687 --> 00:35:59,603
- Cheers.
- Cheers, thank you.
777
00:35:59,604 --> 00:36:02,395
Daddy saves the day. No harm done.
778
00:36:02,396 --> 00:36:03,312
Amazing.
779
00:36:04,021 --> 00:36:06,936
Oh, and I hope you don't mind,
but I invited my brother to dinner.
780
00:36:06,937 --> 00:36:08,520
He just moved into our garage.
781
00:36:08,521 --> 00:36:10,311
You make him sound like a loser.
782
00:36:10,312 --> 00:36:11,936
Well, just temporarily.
783
00:36:11,937 --> 00:36:13,853
Broke up with this horse twat.
784
00:36:13,854 --> 00:36:17,187
Ever since then, he's just, like,
been walking around in sweats.
785
00:36:17,812 --> 00:36:19,020
Pathetic.
786
00:36:19,021 --> 00:36:19,936
Mmm.
787
00:36:19,937 --> 00:36:21,354
You don't drink, Steve?
788
00:36:21,979 --> 00:36:24,478
No. I am in the program.
789
00:36:24,479 --> 00:36:27,103
Yeah, child of an alcoholic right here...
790
00:36:27,104 --> 00:36:28,853
- ...so I get it.
- [Steve] Oh, no, no.
791
00:36:28,854 --> 00:36:33,186
I'm just a pretty big follower
of Jada's Red Table Talk.
792
00:36:33,187 --> 00:36:34,145
Mmm.
793
00:36:34,146 --> 00:36:37,270
And she thinks
it's harmful for men to drink.
794
00:36:37,271 --> 00:36:40,020
- Great.
- Plus, I'm a really angry drunk.
795
00:36:40,021 --> 00:36:41,020
Like, terrible.
796
00:36:41,021 --> 00:36:43,395
- Steve.
- I don't remember, but it happens.
797
00:36:43,396 --> 00:36:44,353
I do.
798
00:36:44,354 --> 00:36:45,478
[cell phone chimes]
799
00:36:45,479 --> 00:36:48,603
Oh. Speak of the queen.
New episode, just dropped.
800
00:36:48,604 --> 00:36:51,061
- [Megan] Perfect timing.
- See y'all later.
801
00:36:51,062 --> 00:36:52,936
[door opens, closes]
802
00:36:52,937 --> 00:36:55,353
The deadbeat crashing
in your garage is here.
803
00:36:55,354 --> 00:36:56,271
[Megan] Hi.
804
00:36:56,979 --> 00:36:58,478
Oh, my God, Latte.
805
00:36:58,479 --> 00:36:59,478
What?
806
00:36:59,479 --> 00:37:00,437
Lainy.
807
00:37:01,437 --> 00:37:02,686
Wow.
808
00:37:02,687 --> 00:37:04,228
You guys know each other?
809
00:37:04,229 --> 00:37:07,186
- Yeah, we do. We met a few weeks ago...
- Yeah.
810
00:37:07,187 --> 00:37:08,979
But you didn't seem like you were...
811
00:37:10,771 --> 00:37:12,020
Rockin' a baby?
812
00:37:12,021 --> 00:37:13,271
Yeah, exactly.
813
00:37:13,896 --> 00:37:17,353
Old Navy clothes.
You can hide anything in there, right?
814
00:37:17,354 --> 00:37:18,853
- Wow.
- [Lainy chuckling]
815
00:37:18,854 --> 00:37:21,853
- This is nuts.
- Where did you two meet?
816
00:37:21,854 --> 00:37:24,770
A coffee shop.
I feel like I was just buying coffee,
817
00:37:24,771 --> 00:37:28,020
and then he just came up to me
and started talking my ear off.
818
00:37:28,021 --> 00:37:30,270
And usually I wouldn't talk to a stranger,
819
00:37:30,271 --> 00:37:32,353
but it seemed like
he really needed someone.
820
00:37:32,354 --> 00:37:35,561
Yeah, and Lainy got
some kind of pudding milkshake?
821
00:37:35,562 --> 00:37:37,936
Huh. Was it a pudding milk... It was...
822
00:37:37,937 --> 00:37:41,270
I remember there being
a lot more nutrition in it than that, but...
823
00:37:41,271 --> 00:37:43,645
- Should've gotten a double. Yeah.
- [chuckles] I did.
824
00:37:43,646 --> 00:37:45,603
- Oh, you did? Okay.
- I actually did.
825
00:37:45,604 --> 00:37:46,978
[both chuckle]
826
00:37:46,979 --> 00:37:49,604
So, is your husband here?
827
00:37:50,187 --> 00:37:52,353
I don't have a husband.
828
00:37:52,354 --> 00:37:54,436
Wow. Josh. That's very subtle.
829
00:37:54,437 --> 00:37:56,353
What? I can, you know, ask anything.
830
00:37:56,354 --> 00:37:58,686
It's not like I'm saying,
"Hey, are you single?"
831
00:37:58,687 --> 00:38:00,061
I mean, you're single, though?
832
00:38:00,062 --> 00:38:01,020
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
833
00:38:01,021 --> 00:38:04,103
This is just from, like,
a one-night thing, so...
834
00:38:04,104 --> 00:38:06,186
- Okay. I mean, great.
- Yeah.
835
00:38:06,187 --> 00:38:07,354
On Thanksgiving.
836
00:38:07,937 --> 00:38:08,770
Really?
837
00:38:08,771 --> 00:38:09,853
Wow.
838
00:38:09,854 --> 00:38:12,436
- Yeah.
- People usually stay home on Thanksgiving.
839
00:38:12,437 --> 00:38:13,353
What a rebel.
840
00:38:13,354 --> 00:38:15,811
Yeah. Not me. I get right out there.
841
00:38:15,812 --> 00:38:20,646
I get those sweet Black Friday-eve deals.
842
00:38:21,479 --> 00:38:23,936
You got pregnant at a Black Friday sale?
843
00:38:23,937 --> 00:38:29,521
Yep. Nothing gets me riled up
like a coupon for a Vitamix.
844
00:38:31,312 --> 00:38:32,520
Yeah.
845
00:38:32,521 --> 00:38:36,603
- Anybody want tea? I could go for some.
- Sure.
846
00:38:36,604 --> 00:38:39,228
- Can we make tea?
- No, please. Yeah. Here, I got some.
847
00:38:39,229 --> 00:38:41,396
- I'll have some black tea.
- Oh.
848
00:38:42,021 --> 00:38:44,061
Black tea. Cool guy.
849
00:38:44,062 --> 00:38:46,770
That's me. You know,
throw some honey in my shit.
850
00:38:46,771 --> 00:38:48,811
Did I tell you I'm a tea-cher?
851
00:38:48,812 --> 00:38:50,396
You did not tell me that.
852
00:38:50,979 --> 00:38:51,811
What do you do?
853
00:38:51,812 --> 00:38:55,895
I am the Chief Zamboni Officer
at Wollman Rink.
854
00:38:55,896 --> 00:38:58,103
- Wow. Cool.
- Fire.
855
00:38:58,104 --> 00:39:00,478
Yeah, fire. Or whatever my students say.
856
00:39:00,479 --> 00:39:03,646
- No, no, no. You're on fire!
- Oh my God! I'm on fire!
857
00:39:04,312 --> 00:39:05,521
- Where's my phone?
- Lainy!
858
00:39:06,312 --> 00:39:07,687
[Steve] Oh, my God! The baby!
859
00:39:08,396 --> 00:39:09,770
She knows about the baby!
860
00:39:09,771 --> 00:39:12,228
- Fuck this.
- No! Steve!
861
00:39:12,229 --> 00:39:14,728
Ten years! Are you kidding me?
862
00:39:14,729 --> 00:39:16,936
- Goddammit!
- [roars]
863
00:39:16,937 --> 00:39:21,228
["Gasoline Dreams" by OutKast
with Khujo Goodie playing]
864
00:39:21,229 --> 00:39:23,353
♪ Don't everybody like
The taste of apple pie? ♪
865
00:39:23,354 --> 00:39:26,186
♪ We'll snap for yo' slice of life
I'm tellin' ya why... ♪
866
00:39:26,187 --> 00:39:27,311
[knock on door]
867
00:39:27,312 --> 00:39:30,312
[Megan] Lainy, are you okay in there?
Can I help?
868
00:39:30,937 --> 00:39:31,937
Um...
869
00:39:32,687 --> 00:39:34,436
No, no, no. I'm all good.
870
00:39:34,437 --> 00:39:37,395
It's just a tiny burn.
It's very little. Don't worry about me.
871
00:39:37,396 --> 00:39:38,686
I'm a teacher.
872
00:39:38,687 --> 00:39:41,521
We deal
with this sort of thing all the time.
873
00:39:42,104 --> 00:39:44,311
- Kids light themselves on fire?
- [song fades]
874
00:39:44,312 --> 00:39:47,895
[hesitates] I'm fine. Okay?
Don't even think about it.
875
00:39:47,896 --> 00:39:50,728
Okay, I'm coming in,
but no touching without permission.
876
00:39:50,729 --> 00:39:52,520
- I promise.
- No, no, no. Hold on.
877
00:39:52,521 --> 00:39:54,395
Give me just one second.
878
00:39:54,396 --> 00:39:56,395
- You watch him.
- Yeah.
879
00:39:56,396 --> 00:39:57,812
[Megan sighing]
880
00:39:58,812 --> 00:39:59,771
[door closing]
881
00:40:00,729 --> 00:40:02,062
Borrowed your robe.
882
00:40:02,854 --> 00:40:04,187
You borrowed Steve's robe.
883
00:40:09,812 --> 00:40:13,686
I'm okay, by the way.
Like, I'm cool to go back out.
884
00:40:13,687 --> 00:40:14,603
No, no, please.
885
00:40:14,604 --> 00:40:17,103
Can we just stay here
for like five more minutes?
886
00:40:17,104 --> 00:40:18,021
Yeah.
887
00:40:18,646 --> 00:40:19,770
Yeah.
888
00:40:19,771 --> 00:40:21,312
[exhales]
889
00:40:23,187 --> 00:40:25,062
It's just all so isolating.
890
00:40:26,437 --> 00:40:27,686
Yeah.
891
00:40:27,687 --> 00:40:29,437
And you haven't even had one yet.
892
00:40:30,229 --> 00:40:31,229
Right.
893
00:40:32,687 --> 00:40:33,937
They don't tell you.
894
00:40:35,354 --> 00:40:38,021
Women don't share what it's like,
what really happens.
895
00:40:39,062 --> 00:40:41,228
- With pregnancy?
- [Megan] With birth.
896
00:40:41,229 --> 00:40:43,437
Think about it.
How many birth stories do you know?
897
00:40:44,229 --> 00:40:45,312
[Lainy smacking lips]
898
00:40:46,187 --> 00:40:47,728
- None.
- Exactly.
899
00:40:47,729 --> 00:40:50,478
I mean, some will talk about
how many hours they labored for,
900
00:40:50,479 --> 00:40:52,646
but that's it.
901
00:40:53,812 --> 00:40:54,770
Why is that?
902
00:40:54,771 --> 00:40:57,436
Because you go through
this whole thing, this whole trauma,
903
00:40:57,437 --> 00:40:59,853
and then just, bam,
right away, you're a mom.
904
00:40:59,854 --> 00:41:03,311
No time to process what's just happened
or what's about to happen.
905
00:41:03,312 --> 00:41:04,312
Right.
906
00:41:06,687 --> 00:41:08,646
Did you have trauma with Connor?
907
00:41:09,271 --> 00:41:12,061
It was actually after he came out.
908
00:41:12,062 --> 00:41:13,686
Everything went awry.
909
00:41:13,687 --> 00:41:15,854
I started bleeding out a lot, and...
910
00:41:16,812 --> 00:41:18,061
Um...
911
00:41:18,062 --> 00:41:21,811
He was on my chest,
so I was actually in heaven.
912
00:41:21,812 --> 00:41:23,021
I was so fine.
913
00:41:23,646 --> 00:41:27,061
But what was happening wasn't okay.
I was just losing a lot of blood.
914
00:41:27,062 --> 00:41:29,854
And it was the first time
I saw Steve scared.
915
00:41:30,646 --> 00:41:33,021
Did you think
you were going to, like, die?
916
00:41:34,312 --> 00:41:35,229
Maybe.
917
00:41:41,562 --> 00:41:42,854
God.
918
00:41:43,562 --> 00:41:44,979
Did I just scare you?
919
00:41:47,062 --> 00:41:48,228
No.
920
00:41:48,229 --> 00:41:49,604
Can't wait. [chuckling]
921
00:41:52,812 --> 00:41:55,729
Did your mom talk to you about your birth?
922
00:41:57,937 --> 00:42:00,478
My mom died when I was like six, so...
923
00:42:00,479 --> 00:42:01,936
I'm sorry, Lainy.
924
00:42:01,937 --> 00:42:03,229
It's okay.
925
00:42:03,896 --> 00:42:06,562
God, it's so nice to talk
to someone real. [chuckling]
926
00:42:10,812 --> 00:42:13,479
Meg, I have to tell you something.
927
00:42:14,021 --> 00:42:17,478
I get it. We want to be pregnant so badly,
928
00:42:17,479 --> 00:42:19,811
and then we finally are,
and it's out of our control.
929
00:42:19,812 --> 00:42:20,853
It's scary.
930
00:42:20,854 --> 00:42:23,979
My postpartum was so bad with Connor,
I didn't think I'd make it.
931
00:42:25,354 --> 00:42:27,978
It's not that. I, um--
932
00:42:27,979 --> 00:42:31,896
But to see you doing it,
and how brave you are...
933
00:42:33,271 --> 00:42:34,604
you give me strength.
934
00:42:35,937 --> 00:42:36,770
[knock on door]
935
00:42:36,771 --> 00:42:40,353
[Josh] Can you smell that?
It's like burnt plastic or something.
936
00:42:40,354 --> 00:42:41,562
No.
937
00:42:42,437 --> 00:42:44,645
So I gave him my number. Maybe he calls.
938
00:42:44,646 --> 00:42:48,021
I have no idea
what I'm even hoping for at this point.
939
00:42:50,271 --> 00:42:51,270
You know what I'm hoping?
940
00:42:51,271 --> 00:42:53,603
I'm hoping that you get
the psychological help
941
00:42:53,604 --> 00:42:55,228
that you so desperately need.
942
00:42:55,229 --> 00:42:57,978
Because you need help.
You need not a little help.
943
00:42:57,979 --> 00:43:00,103
You need a paramedic.
944
00:43:00,104 --> 00:43:02,936
You need an ICU nurse. You need a doctor.
945
00:43:02,937 --> 00:43:04,270
You need a psychologist.
946
00:43:04,271 --> 00:43:07,020
You need a dentist
and a proctologist to work together
947
00:43:07,021 --> 00:43:08,770
and meet each other in the middle
948
00:43:08,771 --> 00:43:11,645
near your foam belly
and sort all of that shit out
949
00:43:11,646 --> 00:43:13,561
and, boom, pull it out!
950
00:43:13,562 --> 00:43:17,061
How dare you walk around
with that fake fucking belly!
951
00:43:17,062 --> 00:43:18,811
Can you keep it down?
952
00:43:18,812 --> 00:43:21,478
{\an8}I could. But I won't.
953
00:43:21,479 --> 00:43:24,061
You don't just wake up one morning
954
00:43:24,062 --> 00:43:27,520
and strap it on and now all of a sudden
you're all fabulous and pregnant.
955
00:43:27,521 --> 00:43:28,895
That's not how it works.
956
00:43:28,896 --> 00:43:32,396
Honestly, what's going to happen
if someone you know catches you with this?
957
00:43:33,729 --> 00:43:36,061
[moaning] What am I going to do?
958
00:43:36,062 --> 00:43:37,811
You'll have a little miscarriage.
959
00:43:37,812 --> 00:43:40,478
Oh my God. Little Susan.
960
00:43:40,479 --> 00:43:44,145
You had all of the names in the world
961
00:43:44,146 --> 00:43:46,520
and that's what you landed on
for your fake baby?
962
00:43:46,521 --> 00:43:47,895
Why am I listening to you?
963
00:43:47,896 --> 00:43:50,603
You have three
active restraining orders against you.
964
00:43:50,604 --> 00:43:54,061
Which says to me
there are three people out there
965
00:43:54,062 --> 00:43:58,436
who sees my passion,
who knows that I'm a go-getter.
966
00:43:58,437 --> 00:43:59,520
Not you.
967
00:43:59,521 --> 00:44:02,311
"I gave my number to someone,
I hope they call."
968
00:44:02,312 --> 00:44:03,436
Do I do that?
969
00:44:03,437 --> 00:44:05,478
Fuck no! I show up at their work.
970
00:44:05,479 --> 00:44:08,228
I show up at their house.
I show up at their mother's house.
971
00:44:08,229 --> 00:44:10,645
I'm fucking everywhere. And that is why--
972
00:44:10,646 --> 00:44:13,686
Okay, well thank you so much
for this very helpful feedback.
973
00:44:13,687 --> 00:44:14,937
You're welcome.
974
00:44:16,271 --> 00:44:17,854
Logan, get in here.
975
00:44:20,479 --> 00:44:21,812
Results are back.
976
00:44:23,062 --> 00:44:24,353
As predicted,
977
00:44:24,354 --> 00:44:25,603
you're stupid.
978
00:44:25,604 --> 00:44:27,770
[Kate sighs] Thanks for shopping with me.
979
00:44:27,771 --> 00:44:30,020
Mark does not give one shit
about this baby.
980
00:44:30,021 --> 00:44:31,020
[Lainy] He does.
981
00:44:31,021 --> 00:44:33,103
No, I don't even think
he knows the due date.
982
00:44:33,104 --> 00:44:34,770
I'm sure he knows the due date.
983
00:44:34,771 --> 00:44:36,354
Mark, what's the due date?
984
00:44:36,979 --> 00:44:38,186
I'm not hungry, babe.
985
00:44:38,187 --> 00:44:39,603
- Exactly.
- He's probably--
986
00:44:39,604 --> 00:44:41,896
Exactly.
Let's check out the baby monitors.
987
00:44:42,687 --> 00:44:44,686
Why is all this shit in black and white?
988
00:44:44,687 --> 00:44:47,686
I don't want the nursery
to look like Tim Burton decorated it.
989
00:44:47,687 --> 00:44:50,936
Well, babies can only see black and white
in the first couple months.
990
00:44:50,937 --> 00:44:52,228
- Really?
- You didn't know that?
991
00:44:52,229 --> 00:44:53,311
Where did you hear that?
992
00:44:53,312 --> 00:44:54,895
Precious Little Strangers.
993
00:44:54,896 --> 00:44:57,145
Precious Little... What is that? What?
994
00:44:57,146 --> 00:44:58,686
It's an Instagram account.
995
00:44:58,687 --> 00:45:01,061
You should be following it.
I'm surprised you're not.
996
00:45:01,062 --> 00:45:02,896
Like every pregnant woman follows it.
997
00:45:03,521 --> 00:45:05,811
Okay, not every pregnant woman.
998
00:45:05,812 --> 00:45:08,728
Are you okay?
You, like, don't seem excited.
999
00:45:08,729 --> 00:45:11,811
Well, why are you reading
all this pregnancy stuff anyway?
1000
00:45:11,812 --> 00:45:14,854
Because I'm... I want you to see how...
1001
00:45:15,479 --> 00:45:17,604
Like, so I know what you're going through.
1002
00:45:19,146 --> 00:45:21,311
- Well, that's nice.
- Yeah.
1003
00:45:21,312 --> 00:45:22,561
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
1004
00:45:22,562 --> 00:45:24,270
It's probably just my hormones.
1005
00:45:24,271 --> 00:45:25,311
- [Connor] Hi.
- [gasps]
1006
00:45:25,312 --> 00:45:26,936
No baby?
1007
00:45:26,937 --> 00:45:30,353
Way to pour salt on the wound, kid.
He doesn't know what he's saying.
1008
00:45:30,354 --> 00:45:31,603
Why no baby?
1009
00:45:31,604 --> 00:45:35,145
Not everyone has a baby.
Okay, kid, move along, please.
1010
00:45:35,146 --> 00:45:37,395
Me hurt baby? [exclaiming]
1011
00:45:37,396 --> 00:45:39,811
[gasps] What a little psycho.
1012
00:45:39,812 --> 00:45:41,436
- Yeah, okay. Let's go.
- [Megan] Connor!
1013
00:45:41,437 --> 00:45:42,728
No, that sounds like his mom.
1014
00:45:42,729 --> 00:45:44,895
- We should--
- No. He needs to find his own way.
1015
00:45:44,896 --> 00:45:48,021
- It's the only chance he'll learn.
- Stop! We've got to find his parents.
1016
00:45:50,146 --> 00:45:52,353
- Are you hiding?
- I'm relaxing.
1017
00:45:52,354 --> 00:45:54,146
What are you hiding from?
1018
00:45:55,271 --> 00:45:57,478
[Megan] Where did you go?
Connor, come back here!
1019
00:45:57,479 --> 00:45:59,103
[tense, upbeat music playing]
1020
00:45:59,104 --> 00:46:01,479
[Megan] Connor? Come back here, please!
1021
00:46:04,646 --> 00:46:05,729
Balls.
1022
00:46:06,604 --> 00:46:07,937
- [Megan] Connor!
- [gasps]
1023
00:46:09,521 --> 00:46:11,312
[toys squeaking]
1024
00:46:13,312 --> 00:46:14,853
Oh, there you are.
1025
00:46:14,854 --> 00:46:18,771
Don't run away like that again, okay?
Ever, ever, ever. Come here.
1026
00:46:20,062 --> 00:46:20,896
Lainy!
1027
00:46:27,854 --> 00:46:29,186
Hey.
1028
00:46:29,187 --> 00:46:30,978
Steve, what the hell?
1029
00:46:30,979 --> 00:46:34,353
It's called an empathy bump, all right?
1030
00:46:34,354 --> 00:46:36,437
So that I can feel your pain.
1031
00:46:37,146 --> 00:46:40,228
And, babe, I've got to say,
really not that bad.
1032
00:46:40,229 --> 00:46:42,187
- Get the Mazda.
- Yeah.
1033
00:46:43,604 --> 00:46:44,812
Let's go.
1034
00:46:45,937 --> 00:46:46,853
Where's Lainy?
1035
00:46:46,854 --> 00:46:49,354
I don't know. She just disappeared.
1036
00:46:49,937 --> 00:46:51,936
I'm really worried about her, you know?
1037
00:46:51,937 --> 00:46:54,353
No. You need to worry
about yourself, okay?
1038
00:46:54,354 --> 00:46:56,646
Lainy is a self-sabotager.
1039
00:46:57,271 --> 00:46:58,353
Ugh.
1040
00:46:58,354 --> 00:47:00,562
I can tell you just learned that phrase.
1041
00:47:01,396 --> 00:47:04,437
No... What gave it away?
1042
00:47:05,729 --> 00:47:06,646
[toy squeaks]
1043
00:47:09,062 --> 00:47:10,520
[breathing deeply]
1044
00:47:10,521 --> 00:47:12,604
[cell phone vibrating]
1045
00:47:15,146 --> 00:47:17,270
- Hello?
- [Josh] Hey, Lainy, it's Josh.
1046
00:47:17,271 --> 00:47:19,603
I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time.
1047
00:47:19,604 --> 00:47:26,229
No, no. I was just, um,
reading to, uh, sick animals.
1048
00:47:26,896 --> 00:47:28,895
Oh. That's nice.
1049
00:47:28,896 --> 00:47:32,021
Look, I just wanted to see if you
wanted to come by the rink this week.
1050
00:47:33,896 --> 00:47:36,103
Oh, gosh, let me check my schedule.
1051
00:47:36,104 --> 00:47:39,603
I'm so busy. Oh!
Looks like I'm free. I'll be there.
1052
00:47:39,604 --> 00:47:41,853
Okay, well, how about tomorrow?
1053
00:47:41,854 --> 00:47:43,020
That'd be great.
1054
00:47:43,021 --> 00:47:45,811
Okay, awesome.
I guess I'll see you tomorrow.
1055
00:47:45,812 --> 00:47:47,146
See you there.
1056
00:47:48,354 --> 00:47:49,811
[inhaling deeply]
1057
00:47:49,812 --> 00:47:52,104
Things are looking up.
1058
00:47:53,521 --> 00:47:54,479
[toys squeaking]
1059
00:47:59,062 --> 00:48:00,562
[toys squeaking]
1060
00:48:01,896 --> 00:48:04,229
["Handsome" by Winnetka Bowling League
playing]
1061
00:48:05,604 --> 00:48:09,020
God, this feels so good.
I haven't done this since I was a teen.
1062
00:48:09,021 --> 00:48:10,312
It never gets old.
1063
00:48:10,896 --> 00:48:12,771
It's the best job in the world.
1064
00:48:13,562 --> 00:48:14,770
[inaudible]
1065
00:48:14,771 --> 00:48:15,728
[horn honking]
1066
00:48:15,729 --> 00:48:18,603
♪ She don't trust weathermen
Holidays, born-agains ♪
1067
00:48:18,604 --> 00:48:20,520
♪ Anything that models peace ♪
1068
00:48:20,521 --> 00:48:23,686
I just loved books.
I know it's corny, but, like,
1069
00:48:23,687 --> 00:48:26,311
they changed my life. And poetry.
1070
00:48:26,312 --> 00:48:28,936
- Who's your favorite?
- Anne Sexton.
1071
00:48:28,937 --> 00:48:31,311
[inaudible]
1072
00:48:31,312 --> 00:48:32,645
[Lainy] Ever hear of her?
1073
00:48:32,646 --> 00:48:35,270
Who hasn't heard of Anne Sexton? You know?
1074
00:48:35,271 --> 00:48:36,228
You?
1075
00:48:36,229 --> 00:48:38,770
Yes, me is one of those people.
1076
00:48:38,771 --> 00:48:41,187
Am I better on the ice
than you thought I was gonna be?
1077
00:48:42,187 --> 00:48:43,104
Fuck!
1078
00:48:44,354 --> 00:48:45,645
- You okay?
- Yeah.
1079
00:48:45,646 --> 00:48:47,103
- What if you just kinda like...
- Oh!
1080
00:48:47,104 --> 00:48:48,436
[men exclaiming]
1081
00:48:48,437 --> 00:48:51,436
- [gasps]
- All right, team...
1082
00:48:51,437 --> 00:48:53,353
- Sorry, I'm a little...
- Nice job!
1083
00:48:53,354 --> 00:48:55,311
♪ Take her out dancing ♪
1084
00:48:55,312 --> 00:48:59,270
♪ Mister, you're missing it still ♪
1085
00:48:59,271 --> 00:49:00,437
Oh my God!
1086
00:49:02,562 --> 00:49:04,561
You know how to do anything cool, though?
1087
00:49:04,562 --> 00:49:08,353
["Slow Motion" by Juvenile
featuring Soulja Slim playing]
1088
00:49:08,354 --> 00:49:09,603
♪ I don't know how to act ♪
1089
00:49:09,604 --> 00:49:12,603
♪ Slow motion for me, slow motion for me ♪
1090
00:49:12,604 --> 00:49:15,354
♪ Slow motion for me
Move in slow motion for me ♪
1091
00:49:15,854 --> 00:49:17,104
[song fades]
1092
00:49:18,104 --> 00:49:20,604
How'd you know you were ready to be a mom?
1093
00:49:21,187 --> 00:49:22,853
[contemplative music playing]
1094
00:49:22,854 --> 00:49:24,021
[Lainy] Oh...
1095
00:49:25,229 --> 00:49:26,229
I mean...
1096
00:49:26,979 --> 00:49:28,187
Everyone wants that.
1097
00:49:28,937 --> 00:49:29,937
You wanna...
1098
00:49:31,354 --> 00:49:32,771
get married and have a baby.
1099
00:49:33,396 --> 00:49:34,729
Why shouldn't I want that?
1100
00:49:35,312 --> 00:49:36,395
No, I mean, I know...
1101
00:49:36,396 --> 00:49:39,311
I knew I wanted kids
at a weirdly young age.
1102
00:49:39,312 --> 00:49:40,812
That's amazing. I...
1103
00:49:42,396 --> 00:49:44,645
You're so lucky you have your sister.
1104
00:49:44,646 --> 00:49:46,936
- I don't have siblings.
- Yeah.
1105
00:49:46,937 --> 00:49:49,978
I, you know, I don't have family,
so I don't wanna be alone.
1106
00:49:49,979 --> 00:49:52,812
I've always known I want a family.
1107
00:49:54,229 --> 00:49:57,354
I'm just getting a little worried that
that's not in the cards for me.
1108
00:49:58,521 --> 00:49:59,354
What?
1109
00:50:00,479 --> 00:50:03,311
I mean, not the baby.
Like, I'm having a baby.
1110
00:50:03,312 --> 00:50:06,603
Yeah, no, you know,
the partner stuff. Yeah.
1111
00:50:06,604 --> 00:50:09,187
It'll happen. You know what they say.
1112
00:50:09,979 --> 00:50:11,729
Kiss a lot of turds, right?
1113
00:50:13,146 --> 00:50:14,062
No.
1114
00:50:14,562 --> 00:50:16,896
No one says that. It's toads.
1115
00:50:17,396 --> 00:50:19,436
Like "The early turd gets the worm."
1116
00:50:19,437 --> 00:50:22,311
[Lainy] No, it's bird.
"Early bird gets the worm."
1117
00:50:22,312 --> 00:50:24,021
[laughs]
1118
00:50:24,604 --> 00:50:25,770
It is bird.
1119
00:50:25,771 --> 00:50:28,478
But it is "kiss a lot of turds" for sure.
1120
00:50:28,479 --> 00:50:29,604
[Lainy chuckling]
1121
00:50:31,062 --> 00:50:31,979
[Josh] Oh, man.
1122
00:50:32,812 --> 00:50:35,520
See that guy
messing up the ice with his skates?
1123
00:50:35,521 --> 00:50:36,937
He's doing it on purpose.
1124
00:50:37,562 --> 00:50:40,936
Hey! Stop fucking up the ice,
you piece of shit!
1125
00:50:40,937 --> 00:50:43,146
We could have you killed in minutes!
1126
00:50:44,271 --> 00:50:45,187
[Josh chuckling]
1127
00:50:46,187 --> 00:50:48,520
Do you guys have
any hot chocolate around here?
1128
00:50:48,521 --> 00:50:49,437
Yeah.
1129
00:50:50,812 --> 00:50:52,478
[Lainy] You gotta be shitting me.
1130
00:50:52,479 --> 00:50:55,186
We should Photoshop
some dicks into their mouths.
1131
00:50:55,187 --> 00:50:57,104
[both chuckle]
1132
00:50:58,479 --> 00:51:01,811
I was coming over to ask
if you thought it was over the top.
1133
00:51:01,812 --> 00:51:03,353
I guess I have my answer.
1134
00:51:03,354 --> 00:51:06,562
No, I mean, I love it. I love it.
I think it's quite provocative.
1135
00:51:07,562 --> 00:51:09,645
I'll give you boys some privacy.
1136
00:51:09,646 --> 00:51:13,853
Um, I'm sorry. I was, like, just trying
to make crazy-ass Fallon laugh.
1137
00:51:13,854 --> 00:51:14,853
[Kate] Yeah.
1138
00:51:14,854 --> 00:51:18,520
We were just being funny.
It's not like we're taking that seriously.
1139
00:51:18,521 --> 00:51:19,811
- Yeah, it's ironic.
- Yeah.
1140
00:51:19,812 --> 00:51:22,521
It's, yeah, so, yeah. Sorry.
1141
00:51:23,271 --> 00:51:25,478
I have to talk to you about something, so...
1142
00:51:25,479 --> 00:51:28,478
Okay. Is it that you're in love with me?
1143
00:51:28,479 --> 00:51:29,728
Because I already knew.
1144
00:51:29,729 --> 00:51:32,936
No, no, no. No, I just...
1145
00:51:32,937 --> 00:51:34,145
You're scaring me.
1146
00:51:34,146 --> 00:51:35,937
You can't be in the delivery room.
1147
00:51:37,437 --> 00:51:40,936
What do you mean?
Why wouldn't I be able to be in there?
1148
00:51:40,937 --> 00:51:43,103
If you say Shirley's
going to be in there with you...
1149
00:51:43,104 --> 00:51:44,686
- ...I'm going to murder someone.
- No.
1150
00:51:44,687 --> 00:51:46,770
She is not going to be in the room, okay?
1151
00:51:46,771 --> 00:51:49,311
But she did surprise me
and she got a doula,
1152
00:51:49,312 --> 00:51:51,936
and there can only be two people
in the room, so...
1153
00:51:51,937 --> 00:51:56,854
So you're choosing Mark
and some placenta-sniffing midwife
1154
00:51:57,479 --> 00:52:00,186
over your best friend
who you've known your whole life?
1155
00:52:00,187 --> 00:52:02,311
You know what?
Can we just be honest for once?
1156
00:52:02,312 --> 00:52:03,853
Okay, I'm ready to be honest.
1157
00:52:03,854 --> 00:52:05,811
- That sounds nice.
- Great. Let's do it.
1158
00:52:05,812 --> 00:52:07,395
You're pissed because I'm pregnant.
1159
00:52:07,396 --> 00:52:11,186
No, I'm not. That's so insane
that you would think that.
1160
00:52:11,187 --> 00:52:12,603
I'm so happy for you.
1161
00:52:12,604 --> 00:52:15,395
I've been going everywhere with you,
1162
00:52:15,396 --> 00:52:18,561
showing you how happy I am
about this pregnancy.
1163
00:52:18,562 --> 00:52:20,686
Yeah, you seem real happy, Lainy.
1164
00:52:20,687 --> 00:52:22,020
Look, I'm just mad
1165
00:52:22,021 --> 00:52:26,228
because you're being
a stupid, tit-faced jerk butt.
1166
00:52:26,229 --> 00:52:29,436
Oh, it is you, my friend,
that has the face of a tit.
1167
00:52:29,437 --> 00:52:31,353
- Really? Me?
- That's what you are.
1168
00:52:31,354 --> 00:52:33,436
All right.
Can you two bitches calm down?
1169
00:52:33,437 --> 00:52:36,228
You can't even come up with
proper fucking swear words.
1170
00:52:36,229 --> 00:52:38,103
I love you both equally, all right?
1171
00:52:38,104 --> 00:52:39,478
Okay. Forget this.
1172
00:52:39,479 --> 00:52:41,061
Oh, fuck her.
1173
00:52:41,062 --> 00:52:44,228
Ms. Newton, I found this on the bleachers.
1174
00:52:44,229 --> 00:52:46,271
Oh! Um...
1175
00:52:46,896 --> 00:52:48,186
[sniffs] Oh.
1176
00:52:48,187 --> 00:52:50,895
You did the right thing to bring it to me.
Thank you.
1177
00:52:50,896 --> 00:52:53,479
You don't have to tell anyone about this.
I'll handle it.
1178
00:52:54,354 --> 00:52:55,645
Score.
1179
00:52:55,646 --> 00:52:57,729
[chill, upbeat music playing]
1180
00:53:00,687 --> 00:53:03,478
[Lainy] So, wait, you were saying, okay,
so then you dated...
1181
00:53:03,479 --> 00:53:06,771
I dated an ice cream scooper
at Casey's Scoops.
1182
00:53:07,562 --> 00:53:10,645
But then I realized I was just, like,
in it for the ice cream...
1183
00:53:10,646 --> 00:53:12,686
- ...and that's just not enough.
- [laughs]
1184
00:53:12,687 --> 00:53:14,895
- No.
- You gotta have chemistry, too, right?
1185
00:53:14,896 --> 00:53:17,686
You can also just have ice cream
and not date the scooper.
1186
00:53:17,687 --> 00:53:19,603
I figured that out.
I figured it out too late.
1187
00:53:19,604 --> 00:53:21,145
Ever dated a pregnant woman?
1188
00:53:21,146 --> 00:53:23,561
You're the least pregnant person
I've ever dated.
1189
00:53:23,562 --> 00:53:25,145
Wow. You wait till they're crowning.
1190
00:53:25,146 --> 00:53:27,937
I want them to be, like,
two weeks away from dropping.
1191
00:53:28,896 --> 00:53:30,687
So are we dating?
1192
00:53:31,729 --> 00:53:35,853
No. I don't know.
I mean, I'm seeing a lot of other people.
1193
00:53:35,854 --> 00:53:36,895
- Okay.
- Yeah.
1194
00:53:36,896 --> 00:53:39,936
- I'm sorry you're in the friend zone.
- The friend zone.
1195
00:53:39,937 --> 00:53:42,895
I thought you were gay until, like,
five minutes ago.
1196
00:53:42,896 --> 00:53:45,854
We can always just
joke around if you want.
1197
00:53:47,396 --> 00:53:49,061
I don't always joke around.
1198
00:53:49,062 --> 00:53:52,061
Okay, no, I'm... you know.
1199
00:53:52,062 --> 00:53:53,146
[Lainy inhaling]
1200
00:53:54,937 --> 00:53:58,896
My nerves are turned on
1201
00:53:59,604 --> 00:54:03,604
I hear them like musical instruments
1202
00:54:04,729 --> 00:54:06,354
Where there was silence...
1203
00:54:07,646 --> 00:54:08,645
The drums...
1204
00:54:08,646 --> 00:54:10,853
[dramatic music playing]
1205
00:54:10,854 --> 00:54:14,021
The strings are incurably playing
1206
00:54:15,312 --> 00:54:16,479
You did this
1207
00:54:17,521 --> 00:54:19,645
Pure genius at work
1208
00:54:19,646 --> 00:54:22,979
Darling, the composer
Has stepped into fire
1209
00:54:25,729 --> 00:54:26,937
Anne Sexton.
1210
00:54:28,604 --> 00:54:29,729
What's it called?
1211
00:54:31,729 --> 00:54:33,021
"The Kiss."
1212
00:54:44,729 --> 00:54:45,728
Oh, sorry.
1213
00:54:45,729 --> 00:54:47,228
- No, I'm sorry.
- No.
1214
00:54:47,229 --> 00:54:48,645
- I'm fine. It's fine.
- It's okay.
1215
00:54:48,646 --> 00:54:51,603
No, I'm just a little self-conscious
about my body right now...
1216
00:54:51,604 --> 00:54:52,936
Oh, yeah.
1217
00:54:52,937 --> 00:54:55,062
- You know, I... Sorry.
- [sighs]
1218
00:54:58,396 --> 00:54:59,354
You want to dance?
1219
00:55:00,396 --> 00:55:01,311
Yes.
1220
00:55:01,312 --> 00:55:04,354
["Delincuente" by Tokischa,
Anuel AA and Ñengo Flow playing]
1221
00:55:06,271 --> 00:55:08,146
[inaudible]
1222
00:55:35,271 --> 00:55:39,271
["Anyone Who Knows What Love Is
(Will Understand)" by Irma Thomas playing]
1223
00:55:41,896 --> 00:55:42,729
♪ Anyone ♪
1224
00:55:45,812 --> 00:55:46,729
♪ Anyone ♪
1225
00:55:48,896 --> 00:55:51,729
♪ You can blame me ♪
1226
00:55:52,687 --> 00:55:55,354
♪ Try to shame me ♪
1227
00:55:55,937 --> 00:56:00,271
♪ And still I'll care for you ♪
1228
00:56:04,521 --> 00:56:06,270
♪ You can run around ♪
1229
00:56:06,271 --> 00:56:07,770
[song fades]
1230
00:56:07,771 --> 00:56:09,854
- Want to take a break?
- Sure.
1231
00:56:10,854 --> 00:56:12,061
Whoa.
1232
00:56:12,062 --> 00:56:14,061
- Dave.
- Lainy.
1233
00:56:14,062 --> 00:56:17,771
[exhaling] What are you doing here?
I didn't know you liked, um...
1234
00:56:18,521 --> 00:56:20,936
- Drinking on a boat?
- Yeah, that's crazy.
1235
00:56:20,937 --> 00:56:23,646
- [chuckles nervously]
- What the fuck is that?
1236
00:56:25,646 --> 00:56:27,520
Um, I may have gained some weight.
1237
00:56:27,521 --> 00:56:30,520
What? What is going on? What did you do?
1238
00:56:30,521 --> 00:56:33,354
- What did I do?
- I thought you were on birth control!
1239
00:56:33,979 --> 00:56:35,728
[sighing] How could you do this to me?
1240
00:56:35,729 --> 00:56:36,978
[dance music playing]
1241
00:56:36,979 --> 00:56:40,353
You're such an asshole.
And don't worry because it's not yours.
1242
00:56:40,354 --> 00:56:42,770
Wait, so... When did you even--
1243
00:56:42,771 --> 00:56:44,021
Thanksgiving.
1244
00:56:44,562 --> 00:56:47,061
- We were at my parents' house in Vermont.
- Mm-hmm.
1245
00:56:47,062 --> 00:56:50,561
- We were together the whole time.
- No, obviously not.
1246
00:56:50,562 --> 00:56:52,104
Not when you were, uh...
1247
00:56:54,396 --> 00:56:56,312
- Asleep?
- Bingo.
1248
00:56:56,896 --> 00:57:01,311
When you were asleep,
I went to Black Friday sales.
1249
00:57:01,312 --> 00:57:04,770
And... fucked somebody at a Brookstone?
1250
00:57:04,771 --> 00:57:05,896
Costco.
1251
00:57:06,479 --> 00:57:08,186
Because they have the best deals
1252
00:57:08,187 --> 00:57:10,354
and the best dick.
1253
00:57:11,771 --> 00:57:13,561
And I don't even know
what you're looking at.
1254
00:57:13,562 --> 00:57:14,645
What do you even do?
1255
00:57:14,646 --> 00:57:16,186
I'm a scientist.
1256
00:57:16,187 --> 00:57:18,521
That's not a real job.
What do all of you do?
1257
00:57:19,104 --> 00:57:20,896
[all] We're all scientists.
1258
00:57:22,229 --> 00:57:25,020
I've moved on.
And I suggest you do the same.
1259
00:57:25,021 --> 00:57:26,437
Excuse me.
1260
00:57:27,021 --> 00:57:31,228
Someone actually beautiful
is coming through. Me.
1261
00:57:31,229 --> 00:57:32,437
[music fades]
1262
00:57:33,396 --> 00:57:35,146
[chill music playing]
1263
00:57:39,146 --> 00:57:40,396
Surprise!
1264
00:57:41,062 --> 00:57:42,686
- Meg!
- [Megan] Lainy.
1265
00:57:42,687 --> 00:57:43,936
Hey!
1266
00:57:43,937 --> 00:57:45,603
Oh my God, Lainy.
1267
00:57:45,604 --> 00:57:47,021
Your room is so cute.
1268
00:57:47,604 --> 00:57:49,104
It's so sweet.
1269
00:57:50,104 --> 00:57:52,520
Thank you! That is so nice.
1270
00:57:52,521 --> 00:57:53,812
Oh, I love it.
1271
00:57:54,771 --> 00:57:59,103
What are you doing here
in my... belly of the woods?
1272
00:57:59,104 --> 00:58:02,145
A prenatal depression workshop's nearby
that's supposed to be amazing.
1273
00:58:02,146 --> 00:58:03,687
So I thought I'd come surprise you.
1274
00:58:04,271 --> 00:58:06,353
Oh, cool. I don't have that.
1275
00:58:06,354 --> 00:58:07,312
Oh.
1276
00:58:07,937 --> 00:58:09,561
Okay, well, I do. [chuckling]
1277
00:58:09,562 --> 00:58:11,854
You're gonna make me
face these chicks alone?
1278
00:58:13,104 --> 00:58:14,104
No.
1279
00:58:14,771 --> 00:58:16,771
I wouldn't do that to a friend. I'm in.
1280
00:58:19,229 --> 00:58:22,353
- It's supposed to be very therapeutic.
- Okay, great.
1281
00:58:22,354 --> 00:58:24,186
- We'll just give it a go.
- Let's do it.
1282
00:58:24,187 --> 00:58:26,395
- My God, you really popped this week.
- Didn't I?
1283
00:58:26,396 --> 00:58:28,271
[Megan] Yeah. It just kind of hits.
1284
00:58:33,979 --> 00:58:36,895
I didn't know so many women
got depressed during pregnancy.
1285
00:58:36,896 --> 00:58:40,604
Yeah. Because we're so ashamed
for not just bubbling over with gratitude.
1286
00:58:41,187 --> 00:58:43,978
[Fallon] Excuse me,
legitimate pregnant lady coming through.
1287
00:58:43,979 --> 00:58:44,979
Six weeks.
1288
00:58:45,854 --> 00:58:47,978
Nice boobs. I can say that. I've got them.
1289
00:58:47,979 --> 00:58:51,271
I've got them too.
It's not offensive if you have them.
1290
00:58:52,854 --> 00:58:54,270
What the hell are you doing here?
1291
00:58:54,271 --> 00:58:57,061
Oh, I see.
Good enough for thee, but not for me.
1292
00:58:57,062 --> 00:58:58,561
You're a pregnancy tourist.
1293
00:58:58,562 --> 00:59:00,770
- You shouldn't be here.
- You shouldn't be here.
1294
00:59:00,771 --> 00:59:02,270
- You shouldn't.
- You shouldn't.
1295
00:59:02,271 --> 00:59:03,479
Get...
1296
00:59:04,021 --> 00:59:05,728
Don't punch my baby!
1297
00:59:05,729 --> 00:59:06,937
[woman] Hello, ladies.
1298
00:59:07,521 --> 00:59:08,770
How are you guys doing?
1299
00:59:08,771 --> 00:59:10,395
[all] Good.
1300
00:59:10,396 --> 00:59:11,479
Bullshit!
1301
00:59:12,604 --> 00:59:14,770
You don't have to lie in here, sisters.
1302
00:59:14,771 --> 00:59:16,520
This is a place of truth.
1303
00:59:16,521 --> 00:59:19,604
How do you really feel
during your pregnancies?
1304
00:59:20,729 --> 00:59:21,729
Tell me.
1305
00:59:22,479 --> 00:59:23,521
Come on.
1306
00:59:24,354 --> 00:59:25,436
I'm angry.
1307
00:59:25,437 --> 00:59:27,771
I ate a cupcake
out of the trash can last night.
1308
00:59:28,437 --> 00:59:30,686
My nipples are so dry!
1309
00:59:30,687 --> 00:59:31,896
[all] Yes!
1310
00:59:33,104 --> 00:59:33,978
Thank you.
1311
00:59:33,979 --> 00:59:34,936
I know.
1312
00:59:34,937 --> 00:59:36,479
- [sobs]
- I've got a hairy butthole.
1313
00:59:37,271 --> 00:59:38,478
What the hell are you doing?
1314
00:59:38,479 --> 00:59:40,436
- I've got a hairy butthole.
- Shut up.
1315
00:59:40,437 --> 00:59:42,103
[screams]
1316
00:59:42,104 --> 00:59:44,479
[all screaming]
1317
00:59:47,021 --> 00:59:50,311
All right, ladies.
We are going to take a quick pee break,
1318
00:59:50,312 --> 00:59:52,520
which we'll be doing every three minutes.
1319
00:59:52,521 --> 00:59:55,311
And if you're the one woman
who can still shit while she's pregnant,
1320
00:59:55,312 --> 00:59:56,896
good for you. Now is your chance.
1321
00:59:57,521 --> 00:59:59,936
- Thank you so much. This is great.
- Of course.
1322
00:59:59,937 --> 01:00:02,271
Get it out. She's amazing.
1323
01:00:02,812 --> 01:00:04,728
Oh, shit. My sitter just bailed.
1324
01:00:04,729 --> 01:00:07,021
Oh, sorry. That sucks.
1325
01:00:07,771 --> 01:00:10,187
Would you mind
watching Connor tomorrow night?
1326
01:00:10,771 --> 01:00:12,520
[sighs] I don't know.
1327
01:00:12,521 --> 01:00:14,353
Please. It's Steve's birthday.
1328
01:00:14,354 --> 01:00:17,771
Josh has a hockey game he has to work,
and I don't have anybody else to ask.
1329
01:00:18,687 --> 01:00:20,271
It's kind of nice to be needed.
1330
01:00:21,312 --> 01:00:22,395
Yeah, of course.
1331
01:00:22,396 --> 01:00:23,979
We love having you over.
1332
01:00:24,646 --> 01:00:25,937
Josh especially.
1333
01:00:27,146 --> 01:00:29,478
- Really?
- Oh, cool. She's also bailing tonight.
1334
01:00:29,479 --> 01:00:30,562
Okay, I got to go.
1335
01:00:31,104 --> 01:00:34,353
- ["The One" by M.I.A. playing]
- ♪ Got a ticket for the city that's fire ♪
1336
01:00:34,354 --> 01:00:37,771
♪ Tech 9 for the side that'll fight ya ♪
1337
01:00:38,771 --> 01:00:39,896
[softly] Thanks.
1338
01:00:41,146 --> 01:00:44,146
- ♪ Put your picket down come on and riot ♪
- [clears throat]
1339
01:00:45,479 --> 01:00:47,271
- [song stops]
- [train chimes]
1340
01:00:48,021 --> 01:00:49,229
[mouthing] Fuck you.
1341
01:00:51,521 --> 01:00:53,146
- [knock on door]
- [Megan] Hmm.
1342
01:00:55,604 --> 01:00:57,145
- Hi!
- [Lainy] Hi!
1343
01:00:57,146 --> 01:01:00,186
[Megan] Thank you so much.
You are a lifesaver.
1344
01:01:00,187 --> 01:01:02,478
My pleasure. You look beautiful.
1345
01:01:02,479 --> 01:01:04,020
- Thank you. I showered.
- Yeah.
1346
01:01:04,021 --> 01:01:05,437
Hey, Connor, off the couch.
1347
01:01:06,187 --> 01:01:08,770
Oh, hey. Uh, guess who we're going to see?
1348
01:01:08,771 --> 01:01:09,686
Wow.
1349
01:01:09,687 --> 01:01:12,145
- Hey, I might shave my head. Why not?
- Do it.
1350
01:01:12,146 --> 01:01:14,353
- Please don't do that.
- Okay, well, have fun.
1351
01:01:14,354 --> 01:01:15,728
- Thank you so much.
- Go.
1352
01:01:15,729 --> 01:01:17,645
I still want to throw you that shower.
1353
01:01:17,646 --> 01:01:19,311
Okay, no, but go have a good time.
1354
01:01:19,312 --> 01:01:21,145
- We're fine. We got it.
- Thank you. Bye.
1355
01:01:21,146 --> 01:01:22,396
[Lainy] All right. Bye.
1356
01:01:25,771 --> 01:01:27,104
Hi.
1357
01:01:29,062 --> 01:01:30,020
Hi.
1358
01:01:30,021 --> 01:01:31,311
Oh, yeah!
1359
01:01:31,312 --> 01:01:32,520
Do you want this?
1360
01:01:32,521 --> 01:01:34,604
But, yeah, I thought we were going to...
1361
01:01:36,104 --> 01:01:37,520
get married, start a family.
1362
01:01:37,521 --> 01:01:39,936
[exclaiming]
1363
01:01:39,937 --> 01:01:43,603
Did you ever tell such a big lie
you don't know how to get out of it?
1364
01:01:43,604 --> 01:01:45,478
[upbeat pop music playing]
1365
01:01:45,479 --> 01:01:47,478
I ate the whole cookie.
1366
01:01:47,479 --> 01:01:50,145
- Peek-a-boo.
- Oh my God! Oh my God.
1367
01:01:50,146 --> 01:01:52,645
- You scared me.
- I was over here.
1368
01:01:52,646 --> 01:01:54,686
- Let me tell you a real story.
- [music fades]
1369
01:01:54,687 --> 01:01:56,771
[Lainy breathing deeply]
1370
01:01:57,479 --> 01:01:59,146
There was once a family...
1371
01:02:00,896 --> 01:02:03,479
of beautiful, beautiful princesses...
1372
01:02:05,146 --> 01:02:06,896
called the Kardashians.
1373
01:02:07,521 --> 01:02:11,353
And they lived in a palace
1374
01:02:11,354 --> 01:02:15,186
that their dad bought them
by defending a murderer.
1375
01:02:15,187 --> 01:02:16,103
[Connor gasping]
1376
01:02:16,104 --> 01:02:17,020
Hey, hey.
1377
01:02:17,021 --> 01:02:18,395
Uncle Joshy.
1378
01:02:18,396 --> 01:02:21,686
[chuckles] Yeah, yeah,
don't get all riled up, Con-man.
1379
01:02:21,687 --> 01:02:22,770
Yeah, sorry.
1380
01:02:22,771 --> 01:02:24,978
I thought
I'd do a little better with that.
1381
01:02:24,979 --> 01:02:26,021
You're very cute.
1382
01:02:26,729 --> 01:02:29,228
Let's read the book we like, all right?
1383
01:02:29,229 --> 01:02:30,437
[Josh grunting]
1384
01:02:31,521 --> 01:02:34,646
The Book with No Pictures.
1385
01:02:35,604 --> 01:02:38,729
"This is a book with no pictures."
1386
01:02:40,104 --> 01:02:41,478
"It might seem like no fun
1387
01:02:41,479 --> 01:02:44,021
to have someone
read you a book with no pictures."
1388
01:02:44,854 --> 01:02:48,186
"Probably seems boring and serious."
1389
01:02:48,187 --> 01:02:51,436
"Except, here's how books work."
1390
01:02:51,437 --> 01:02:55,728
"Everything the words say,
the person reading the book has to say."
1391
01:02:55,729 --> 01:02:57,437
[tender music playing]
1392
01:02:59,521 --> 01:03:03,061
"Now it's time for me
to sing you my favorite song."
1393
01:03:03,062 --> 01:03:05,770
♪ "Glug, glug, glug
My face is a bug" ♪
1394
01:03:05,771 --> 01:03:09,354
♪ "I eat ants for breakfast
Right off of a rug" ♪
1395
01:03:12,937 --> 01:03:14,896
[Lainy breathing deeply, exhaling]
1396
01:03:18,146 --> 01:03:19,312
[light switch clicking]
1397
01:03:44,896 --> 01:03:46,562
Want to come back to my place?
1398
01:03:48,646 --> 01:03:51,771
The garage. Right down... downstairs.
1399
01:03:54,354 --> 01:03:55,979
[breathing heavily]
1400
01:04:00,979 --> 01:04:02,186
It's roomy.
1401
01:04:02,187 --> 01:04:04,645
Well, the car's not here.
It's usually right there.
1402
01:04:04,646 --> 01:04:07,187
Okay, I want to have sex with you.
1403
01:04:07,854 --> 01:04:09,228
Fantastic.
1404
01:04:09,229 --> 01:04:12,811
But I'm very self-conscious
of my body right now, as I've said.
1405
01:04:12,812 --> 01:04:14,228
Sure, yes.
1406
01:04:14,229 --> 01:04:15,936
So, there's going to be a couple rules.
1407
01:04:15,937 --> 01:04:18,103
Okay, great. I'm down with rules.
1408
01:04:18,104 --> 01:04:21,436
You know, Cider House, Vanderpump,
all the rules.
1409
01:04:21,437 --> 01:04:23,811
Okay, well, just two rules.
1410
01:04:23,812 --> 01:04:25,729
No touching me and no looking at me.
1411
01:04:26,479 --> 01:04:28,353
Oh, okay. I mean, you know,
1412
01:04:28,354 --> 01:04:31,311
it's not exactly the experience
I had pictured,
1413
01:04:31,312 --> 01:04:35,228
but if that doth what m'lady require of--
1414
01:04:35,229 --> 01:04:37,770
- What?
- Yes. Yes. It's cool.
1415
01:04:37,771 --> 01:04:38,854
Great.
1416
01:04:40,021 --> 01:04:41,354
I'll be right back.
1417
01:04:41,979 --> 01:04:43,062
Okay.
1418
01:04:44,604 --> 01:04:45,645
[Lainy] You okay?
1419
01:04:45,646 --> 01:04:47,521
Yeah, I just... You surprised me.
1420
01:04:48,146 --> 01:04:50,437
Hands locked in this position.
1421
01:04:51,396 --> 01:04:52,312
Okay.
1422
01:04:53,104 --> 01:04:55,228
["Sex With Me" by Rihanna playing]
1423
01:04:55,229 --> 01:04:58,812
♪ All this all work, no vacation ♪
1424
01:04:59,479 --> 01:05:03,104
♪ Stay up off my Instagram
Pure temptation ♪
1425
01:05:03,687 --> 01:05:05,811
♪ Hit a switch on a fake *****... ♪
1426
01:05:05,812 --> 01:05:09,228
I want to go down on you,
but I don't really know how to.
1427
01:05:09,229 --> 01:05:10,895
Oh, well,
1428
01:05:10,896 --> 01:05:17,520
you just, like, lick around the clitoris
and if you can sneak a finger in, great.
1429
01:05:17,521 --> 01:05:20,311
No, no, no. I know how to.
1430
01:05:20,312 --> 01:05:22,103
I don't know how to get there.
1431
01:05:22,104 --> 01:05:23,936
- Oh. Right, right.
- Hand in the--
1432
01:05:23,937 --> 01:05:26,396
Well, maybe I can go up on you.
1433
01:05:27,271 --> 01:05:28,271
Problem solved.
1434
01:05:29,021 --> 01:05:30,562
Okay. Yeah.
1435
01:05:31,562 --> 01:05:33,603
- Okay.
- Get on up there.
1436
01:05:33,604 --> 01:05:36,103
Okay, just let me know
when you're kind of close.
1437
01:05:36,104 --> 01:05:37,146
Okay.
1438
01:05:37,646 --> 01:05:39,145
♪ I'm off that la-la ♪
1439
01:05:39,146 --> 01:05:40,895
♪ I'mma get it wet like jacuzzi ♪
1440
01:05:40,896 --> 01:05:43,354
- Okay, I feel your feet there.
- Yeah.
1441
01:05:44,354 --> 01:05:47,186
- Tell me when you're close.
- Okay, I'm...
1442
01:05:47,187 --> 01:05:49,312
I'm trying to make my landing.
1443
01:05:50,187 --> 01:05:51,936
Yeah, you know, I don't...
1444
01:05:51,937 --> 01:05:54,478
- Okay, I'm gonna...
- How long...
1445
01:05:54,479 --> 01:05:56,562
- You're still up there. Okay.
- Let me...
1446
01:05:57,687 --> 01:05:59,395
See. I'm gonna kind of...
1447
01:05:59,396 --> 01:06:01,520
All right, this might work better. Okay.
1448
01:06:01,521 --> 01:06:02,603
What's...
1449
01:06:02,604 --> 01:06:05,020
- Just...
- Just describe what you're doing.
1450
01:06:05,021 --> 01:06:07,311
I'm, like, trying to sit on your...
1451
01:06:07,312 --> 01:06:10,603
No, that's, you know what,
that's not... It's fine.
1452
01:06:10,604 --> 01:06:13,103
- I think I'm okay.
- Okay.
1453
01:06:13,104 --> 01:06:15,520
I don't need you to do that.
That's really sweet, but I'm...
1454
01:06:15,521 --> 01:06:17,770
- Okay.
- I'm ready, you know.
1455
01:06:17,771 --> 01:06:19,895
- Okay, sure.
- She ready, you know.
1456
01:06:19,896 --> 01:06:21,686
Are you? Oh, you're ready.
1457
01:06:21,687 --> 01:06:23,770
- Okay, okay.
- Wow. Nice.
1458
01:06:23,771 --> 01:06:25,312
- Thank you.
- Yeah
1459
01:06:28,104 --> 01:06:30,021
- Oh, my God.
- That feels good.
1460
01:06:31,937 --> 01:06:32,979
[both moaning]
1461
01:06:34,104 --> 01:06:37,020
Oh, that feels so good.
You like that, Iceman?
1462
01:06:37,021 --> 01:06:38,395
Who is Iceman?
1463
01:06:38,396 --> 01:06:40,353
You. Because you drive a Zamboni?
1464
01:06:40,354 --> 01:06:42,520
- Oh, okay, yeah.
- Okay, I don't have to...
1465
01:06:42,521 --> 01:06:44,520
- Just trying something.
- No, I love it.
1466
01:06:44,521 --> 01:06:46,061
- I love it. I'm Iceman.
- Okay.
1467
01:06:46,062 --> 01:06:48,478
- The Iceman Cometh.
- Oh, yeah.
1468
01:06:48,479 --> 01:06:50,603
- I mean, not yet. Not yet.
- Okay.
1469
01:06:50,604 --> 01:06:52,520
Let me try it the other way.
1470
01:06:52,521 --> 01:06:54,936
- Oh, I was liking that.
- Yeah, but this is better.
1471
01:06:54,937 --> 01:06:56,103
This will be good.
1472
01:06:56,104 --> 01:06:57,686
- Okay.
- This is...
1473
01:06:57,687 --> 01:07:01,062
- All right. Back in business.
- Oh my God.
1474
01:07:01,687 --> 01:07:03,853
[moaning softly]
1475
01:07:03,854 --> 01:07:05,228
- [Lainy] Oh my God.
- So good.
1476
01:07:05,229 --> 01:07:06,771
Oh, God.
1477
01:07:08,604 --> 01:07:11,478
- Wait. Is that the garage?
- No, no. It's fine.
1478
01:07:11,479 --> 01:07:13,728
- Where's the clicker?
- I got it. I got it.
1479
01:07:13,729 --> 01:07:15,937
[Josh] Okay. Neighbors?
1480
01:07:17,312 --> 01:07:18,896
Is there anybody out there?
1481
01:07:21,146 --> 01:07:23,311
Close it. Somebody's gonna come by.
1482
01:07:23,312 --> 01:07:25,104
[door whirring]
1483
01:07:29,229 --> 01:07:31,228
["You Send Me" by Sam Cooke playing]
1484
01:07:31,229 --> 01:07:33,687
♪ Darling, you send me ♪
1485
01:07:34,271 --> 01:07:38,645
♪ I know you send me ♪
1486
01:07:38,646 --> 01:07:40,104
That was really nice.
1487
01:07:40,854 --> 01:07:41,854
Yeah.
1488
01:07:44,604 --> 01:07:45,811
It's a great view.
1489
01:07:45,812 --> 01:07:47,145
[cart rattling]
1490
01:07:47,146 --> 01:07:48,229
Thank you.
1491
01:07:49,771 --> 01:07:51,561
Hey!
1492
01:07:51,562 --> 01:07:52,853
[Lainy] Hey.
1493
01:07:52,854 --> 01:07:54,770
[both laugh]
1494
01:07:54,771 --> 01:07:55,771
[Lainy snorting]
1495
01:07:56,979 --> 01:07:58,146
Oh my God.
1496
01:08:00,771 --> 01:08:01,854
Can I be honest with you?
1497
01:08:03,312 --> 01:08:04,229
Yeah?
1498
01:08:06,187 --> 01:08:07,146
I...
1499
01:08:09,521 --> 01:08:12,021
I haven't felt this connected to someone...
1500
01:08:13,521 --> 01:08:14,729
like, ever.
1501
01:08:16,562 --> 01:08:17,895
Me, too.
1502
01:08:17,896 --> 01:08:21,062
Good, because I really...
1503
01:08:22,146 --> 01:08:24,437
I think we could make this work.
1504
01:08:25,146 --> 01:08:29,062
I do. Like, you and me
and the little person in there.
1505
01:08:32,687 --> 01:08:33,854
[Josh chuckling softly]
1506
01:08:34,479 --> 01:08:38,729
It just feels so good to finally
be able to trust somebody again.
1507
01:08:39,771 --> 01:08:41,521
I totally trust you.
1508
01:08:42,479 --> 01:08:45,395
I didn't know
if I'd ever feel like this again.
1509
01:08:45,396 --> 01:08:46,770
Mm-hmm.
1510
01:08:46,771 --> 01:08:47,896
[sighs]
1511
01:08:48,396 --> 01:08:51,645
- I can't do this.
- Can't do... Can't do what?
1512
01:08:51,646 --> 01:08:53,436
- I'm sorry.
- Wait...
1513
01:08:53,437 --> 01:08:56,770
- I have to... I have to leave.
- [somber music playing]
1514
01:08:56,771 --> 01:08:58,811
Wait. Can't do what?
1515
01:08:58,812 --> 01:08:59,895
You have Connor?
1516
01:08:59,896 --> 01:09:02,062
Yeah. Wait, what did I say?
1517
01:09:02,937 --> 01:09:04,479
Why are you leaving?
1518
01:09:09,187 --> 01:09:10,728
[music fades]
1519
01:09:10,729 --> 01:09:11,686
[indistinct chatter]
1520
01:09:11,687 --> 01:09:13,645
[Lainy] Everyone just stick together.
1521
01:09:13,646 --> 01:09:16,103
[woman] No touching the butterflies.
1522
01:09:16,104 --> 01:09:18,603
Do not disrupt their metamorphosis.
1523
01:09:18,604 --> 01:09:19,895
I'm totally fucked.
1524
01:09:19,896 --> 01:09:22,145
Are you? 'Cause the way I understand it
1525
01:09:22,146 --> 01:09:24,478
is Josh is the one
that got bit of a fucking.
1526
01:09:24,479 --> 01:09:27,436
- [grunts and squeals]
- Stop it! Come on!
1527
01:09:27,437 --> 01:09:30,437
Sorry. Butterflies make me anxious.
1528
01:09:31,187 --> 01:09:34,436
[sighing] I almost told him.
I almost and then I...
1529
01:09:34,437 --> 01:09:36,520
- [shudders]
- [woman] No touching.
1530
01:09:36,521 --> 01:09:39,228
I don't know what relationship
could possibly survive
1531
01:09:39,229 --> 01:09:41,186
this level of dishonesty.
1532
01:09:41,187 --> 01:09:44,020
I've lied so much.
I don't know what to do.
1533
01:09:44,021 --> 01:09:47,729
He's going to find out the truth
about my pregnancy at some point, right?
1534
01:09:48,354 --> 01:09:50,312
I mean, he's not going to
forget about a baby.
1535
01:09:51,354 --> 01:09:54,312
God. I can't believe
I fell for Meg's brother.
1536
01:09:54,896 --> 01:09:58,687
- It's ridiculous. Like, I really like him.
- [tense, whimsical music playing]
1537
01:09:59,729 --> 01:10:01,854
You're going to have to get that baby out.
1538
01:10:02,937 --> 01:10:04,687
I need to get rid of my baby.
1539
01:10:05,354 --> 01:10:06,521
Oh, shit.
1540
01:10:07,437 --> 01:10:09,437
Why are they only landing on you?
1541
01:10:10,312 --> 01:10:12,770
- Are they on me?
- Yeah.
1542
01:10:12,771 --> 01:10:15,853
Are they on me right now? Right now?
1543
01:10:15,854 --> 01:10:17,853
- Yeah.
- Get bug spray.
1544
01:10:17,854 --> 01:10:20,228
Get some bug spray. Get them off me.
1545
01:10:20,229 --> 01:10:22,686
- Get these evil demons off me!
- Stop it.
1546
01:10:22,687 --> 01:10:23,895
[shrieking]
1547
01:10:23,896 --> 01:10:25,645
- Sorry. She's fine.
- No touching.
1548
01:10:25,646 --> 01:10:27,728
I didn't touch them!
They were touching me!
1549
01:10:27,729 --> 01:10:30,645
Please don't raise your voice
in here, ma'am.
1550
01:10:30,646 --> 01:10:31,853
I will fight you.
1551
01:10:31,854 --> 01:10:33,853
I'll fuck you up.
1552
01:10:33,854 --> 01:10:37,228
I will bite your fucking aorta right out.
1553
01:10:37,229 --> 01:10:39,061
Butterflies, attack!
1554
01:10:39,062 --> 01:10:40,936
- I'm coming to get you.
- Come on.
1555
01:10:40,937 --> 01:10:42,771
[woman] Piece of shit bitch.
1556
01:10:44,062 --> 01:10:46,062
[whispering indistinctly]
1557
01:10:49,937 --> 01:10:51,395
[Kate] Thanks for meeting me.
1558
01:10:51,396 --> 01:10:52,521
[Lainy] Of course.
1559
01:10:56,437 --> 01:10:57,437
How are you?
1560
01:10:58,521 --> 01:11:00,687
I'm good. I stopped puking, so...
1561
01:11:01,771 --> 01:11:03,062
That's great.
1562
01:11:05,104 --> 01:11:07,061
How about you? Are you puking?
1563
01:11:07,062 --> 01:11:08,021
No.
1564
01:11:10,271 --> 01:11:12,228
- Why would I be puking?
- I don't know.
1565
01:11:12,229 --> 01:11:15,604
Sometimes in the morning people get...
1566
01:11:17,729 --> 01:11:19,979
like, their tummy rumbles and... Nothing?
1567
01:11:22,646 --> 01:11:23,895
Are you okay?
1568
01:11:23,896 --> 01:11:24,979
Yeah.
1569
01:11:26,312 --> 01:11:28,854
I guess I'm just nervous
about the baby shower.
1570
01:11:30,771 --> 01:11:33,687
It's gonna be great.
Thanks for including me.
1571
01:11:35,521 --> 01:11:36,771
What does that mean?
1572
01:11:37,979 --> 01:11:39,728
What? Thanks for including me.
1573
01:11:39,729 --> 01:11:42,354
Why would you not be invited?
You're my best friend.
1574
01:11:44,937 --> 01:11:46,562
It's okay. I...
1575
01:11:47,437 --> 01:11:48,353
You and Shirley.
1576
01:11:48,354 --> 01:11:49,936
It looks like it's gonna be amazing.
1577
01:11:49,937 --> 01:11:52,186
It's gonna be better than
anything I could have done.
1578
01:11:52,187 --> 01:11:54,353
I have to actually run.
1579
01:11:54,354 --> 01:11:56,353
I have like a million papers to grade.
1580
01:11:56,354 --> 01:11:57,936
- Are you good?
- Yeah.
1581
01:11:57,937 --> 01:11:59,020
- You're okay?
- Yeah.
1582
01:11:59,021 --> 01:12:00,104
Okay. All right.
1583
01:12:01,104 --> 01:12:03,104
[emotional music playing]
1584
01:12:11,396 --> 01:12:13,687
- [upbeat music playing]
- [indistinct chatter]
1585
01:12:22,771 --> 01:12:25,145
[Rawn] I wanna see a paternity test,
am I right?
1586
01:12:25,146 --> 01:12:28,145
No. I can't believe someone's
gonna be calling me "daddy" soon.
1587
01:12:28,146 --> 01:12:30,061
- [exclaims]
- [all laughing]
1588
01:12:30,062 --> 01:12:31,146
Wow.
1589
01:12:31,604 --> 01:12:33,771
- [Fallon] Hey, look what I found.
- What?
1590
01:12:35,021 --> 01:12:36,936
- [alpaca grunting]
- What the fuck is that?
1591
01:12:36,937 --> 01:12:38,520
I've always wanted a cow.
1592
01:12:38,521 --> 01:12:40,395
That's an alpaca.
1593
01:12:40,396 --> 01:12:42,603
I've been milking her
for an hour and a half
1594
01:12:42,604 --> 01:12:44,436
because they only have
fake milk at the bar.
1595
01:12:44,437 --> 01:12:48,353
I only got like a teaspoon
for this macchiato with little Bessie.
1596
01:12:48,354 --> 01:12:49,521
What a giver.
1597
01:12:51,854 --> 01:12:53,478
- That's obviously a boy.
- What?
1598
01:12:53,479 --> 01:12:55,521
You've been jerking off a boy alpaca.
1599
01:12:56,271 --> 01:12:59,603
That explains the sounds,
and it's quite salty too.
1600
01:12:59,604 --> 01:13:00,812
[Fallon slurping]
1601
01:13:01,937 --> 01:13:02,812
Macchiato?
1602
01:13:03,396 --> 01:13:04,354
I'm gonna pass.
1603
01:13:05,021 --> 01:13:07,146
Garrett, can you take this cow to my car?
1604
01:13:08,562 --> 01:13:09,895
Hi, Lainy.
1605
01:13:09,896 --> 01:13:11,104
Hey, Connor.
1606
01:13:11,771 --> 01:13:12,812
Connor?
1607
01:13:13,604 --> 01:13:15,729
[gasps] Oh, shit.
1608
01:13:17,146 --> 01:13:18,562
[suspenseful music playing]
1609
01:13:22,271 --> 01:13:24,229
- Fuck.
- Is that your man?
1610
01:13:25,937 --> 01:13:28,478
- Fuck!
- Fuck!
1611
01:13:28,479 --> 01:13:29,437
Fuck!
1612
01:13:34,271 --> 01:13:35,771
She's gotta be here somewhere.
1613
01:13:38,146 --> 01:13:38,979
[Lainy grunting]
1614
01:13:39,937 --> 01:13:43,436
Hey! What are you
gorgeous humans doing here?
1615
01:13:43,437 --> 01:13:45,270
Your friend Shirley invited us.
1616
01:13:45,271 --> 01:13:47,728
[chuckles nervously] Classic Shirley.
1617
01:13:47,729 --> 01:13:49,687
Why haven't you returned my calls?
1618
01:13:50,271 --> 01:13:51,396
Calls? What?
1619
01:13:52,104 --> 01:13:52,936
You okay?
1620
01:13:52,937 --> 01:13:54,229
Never better.
1621
01:13:54,896 --> 01:13:56,686
- Hey.
- Oh, hi.
1622
01:13:56,687 --> 01:13:59,728
Are these your friends
you've never mentioned?
1623
01:13:59,729 --> 01:14:01,561
Mm-hmm. Josh.
1624
01:14:01,562 --> 01:14:02,728
- Hi.
- Hi.
1625
01:14:02,729 --> 01:14:04,395
- And Megan.
- Hi.
1626
01:14:04,396 --> 01:14:06,186
- Congratulations.
- Oh, thank you.
1627
01:14:06,187 --> 01:14:08,395
And then there's Steve and Connor.
1628
01:14:08,396 --> 01:14:10,436
[Shirley whistles] Everyone!
1629
01:14:10,437 --> 01:14:11,436
[Shirley clapping]
1630
01:14:11,437 --> 01:14:16,353
May I have your... attention please.
1631
01:14:16,354 --> 01:14:17,645
Thank you.
1632
01:14:17,646 --> 01:14:19,145
Um...
1633
01:14:19,146 --> 01:14:21,311
- First off, Kate and I are so happy...
- [mouthing]
1634
01:14:21,312 --> 01:14:23,228
...that you could make it
to our baby shower.
1635
01:14:23,229 --> 01:14:25,186
Round of applause!
1636
01:14:25,187 --> 01:14:27,270
[all cheering and applauding]
1637
01:14:27,271 --> 01:14:28,561
- Hi.
- Hi.
1638
01:14:28,562 --> 01:14:30,103
Um... [chuckles]
1639
01:14:30,104 --> 01:14:32,936
Well, I didn't know that
it was gonna be this insane,
1640
01:14:32,937 --> 01:14:36,353
but it does look kind of cool,
so thanks for making me do this.
1641
01:14:36,354 --> 01:14:38,520
- Stop it.
- What? Oh.
1642
01:14:38,521 --> 01:14:39,604
Like, I love you.
1643
01:14:40,396 --> 01:14:41,311
Give me a break.
1644
01:14:41,312 --> 01:14:43,770
- Yeah.
- It's like so many emotions.
1645
01:14:43,771 --> 01:14:46,354
Sorry. [exhales] But...
1646
01:14:46,854 --> 01:14:48,479
[microphone feedbacking]
1647
01:14:49,521 --> 01:14:51,937
I wanna talk about
someone else for a minute.
1648
01:14:53,687 --> 01:14:58,521
Someone we all know and love
named Lainy! Whoo!
1649
01:15:00,562 --> 01:15:04,561
No. This is your day.
Keep it focused on you, please.
1650
01:15:04,562 --> 01:15:07,895
Lainy, everyone at school and on the web
1651
01:15:07,896 --> 01:15:10,395
knows that I am
the sexiest teacher in the world
1652
01:15:10,396 --> 01:15:12,603
and that kindness is my favorite hobby.
1653
01:15:12,604 --> 01:15:14,728
So I want this to be your day, too.
1654
01:15:14,729 --> 01:15:17,520
I don't want it to be.
It's your day, so please leave me alone.
1655
01:15:17,521 --> 01:15:20,186
- Really, please leave me alone.
- Okay. Come here.
1656
01:15:20,187 --> 01:15:23,270
Context, Lainy is pregnant
and thinking of terminating,
1657
01:15:23,271 --> 01:15:26,270
which is so fine because you know
I'm pro-choice like a Rolls Royce.
1658
01:15:26,271 --> 01:15:27,603
Oh my God.
1659
01:15:27,604 --> 01:15:29,645
But this could be
our unicorn's last chance!
1660
01:15:29,646 --> 01:15:31,561
Wait, no, you need to
go into the wrinkles.
1661
01:15:31,562 --> 01:15:33,520
So we're hoping that we can talk her...
1662
01:15:33,521 --> 01:15:34,937
- ...into keeping it, right?
- Stop.
1663
01:15:35,604 --> 01:15:38,061
- [Rawn] Yes!
- [Shirley] My God, the chat is on fire.
1664
01:15:38,062 --> 01:15:40,020
- Enough.
- Wait, no, that's my phone.
1665
01:15:40,021 --> 01:15:42,311
No, I'm turning it off.
You're acting like a crazy--
1666
01:15:42,312 --> 01:15:43,353
Stop it!
1667
01:15:43,354 --> 01:15:45,771
- Oh my God!
- Enough!
1668
01:15:46,979 --> 01:15:48,895
I'm not having an abortion!
1669
01:15:48,896 --> 01:15:50,728
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
1670
01:15:50,729 --> 01:15:52,354
Jesus, Shirley, I would.
1671
01:15:53,021 --> 01:15:53,978
Kate has.
1672
01:15:53,979 --> 01:15:55,270
My mom tried.
1673
01:15:55,271 --> 01:15:57,895
Wait, so you are having the baby! Whoo!
1674
01:15:57,896 --> 01:16:00,395
[all chanting] Keep it!
Keep it! Keep it! Keep it!
1675
01:16:00,396 --> 01:16:02,186
Stop it! Stop it!
1676
01:16:02,187 --> 01:16:06,353
I'm not! I'm not having the baby!
I'm not... I'm not pregnant!
1677
01:16:06,354 --> 01:16:07,811
[crowd murmuring]
1678
01:16:07,812 --> 01:16:09,729
[dramatic music playing]
1679
01:16:11,062 --> 01:16:12,229
I've been lying.
1680
01:16:15,396 --> 01:16:16,646
I'm faking it.
1681
01:16:18,271 --> 01:16:19,729
[all gasp]
1682
01:16:21,812 --> 01:16:22,812
[sighs]
1683
01:16:23,687 --> 01:16:24,646
Meg.
1684
01:16:25,771 --> 01:16:27,521
Steve, get the fucking Mazda.
1685
01:16:31,687 --> 01:16:32,771
[Megan exhaling]
1686
01:16:34,187 --> 01:16:36,479
Josh, let me explain.
1687
01:16:37,937 --> 01:16:39,604
You need serious help.
1688
01:16:42,021 --> 01:16:44,021
[emotional music playing]
1689
01:16:49,354 --> 01:16:50,479
[softly] I'm sorry.
1690
01:16:59,604 --> 01:17:00,937
[footsteps approaching]
1691
01:17:05,812 --> 01:17:07,604
[Kate grunting, sighing]
1692
01:17:09,479 --> 01:17:10,646
[music fades]
1693
01:17:15,271 --> 01:17:16,853
I know you'll never love me again.
1694
01:17:16,854 --> 01:17:18,854
I just hope someday you don't hate me.
1695
01:17:21,812 --> 01:17:23,062
I don't hate you.
1696
01:17:25,312 --> 01:17:26,311
You don't?
1697
01:17:26,312 --> 01:17:28,521
No. I love you.
1698
01:17:29,479 --> 01:17:31,187
I knew that something was up.
1699
01:17:32,312 --> 01:17:33,979
I just didn't know what it was.
1700
01:17:35,187 --> 01:17:36,896
I'm not even mad at you.
1701
01:17:37,604 --> 01:17:39,646
I mean, I'm really mad at Mark.
1702
01:17:40,687 --> 01:17:43,354
For not being happy
about this baby at all.
1703
01:17:45,104 --> 01:17:48,021
It's been really hard
doing this without you.
1704
01:17:49,271 --> 01:17:50,895
[sighs] Fuck.
1705
01:17:50,896 --> 01:17:52,228
[emotional music playing]
1706
01:17:52,229 --> 01:17:53,687
I was jealous.
1707
01:17:54,729 --> 01:17:58,353
Of you... I was really jealous of Mark.
1708
01:17:58,354 --> 01:17:59,396
[Kate scoffing]
1709
01:18:00,146 --> 01:18:01,396
That's funny.
1710
01:18:02,062 --> 01:18:03,061
For real.
1711
01:18:03,062 --> 01:18:06,271
I've always been jealous of Mark.
He gets to spend so much time with you.
1712
01:18:07,312 --> 01:18:08,936
I want to be your husband.
1713
01:18:08,937 --> 01:18:11,895
- You should be. I hate my husband.
- [scoffs]
1714
01:18:11,896 --> 01:18:14,853
Sometimes I'll just
look at him and be like, "God!"
1715
01:18:14,854 --> 01:18:16,686
[both chuckle]
1716
01:18:16,687 --> 01:18:19,562
No. He's a good guy.
1717
01:18:21,271 --> 01:18:22,729
And he loves you so much.
1718
01:18:23,396 --> 01:18:26,854
And he's going to love this baby.
That's who I'm really jealous of.
1719
01:18:27,937 --> 01:18:31,645
This baby gets to have
the coolest, funniest,
1720
01:18:31,646 --> 01:18:34,354
most badass mom in the whole world.
1721
01:18:35,396 --> 01:18:37,437
You forgot to say sexiest.
1722
01:18:38,354 --> 01:18:41,521
- Most fuckable mom. This baby...
- [laughs]
1723
01:18:43,146 --> 01:18:44,312
No, but really.
1724
01:18:45,646 --> 01:18:47,771
This kid is lucky.
1725
01:18:48,937 --> 01:18:50,103
You really think so?
1726
01:18:50,104 --> 01:18:53,396
Are you serious?
You're the only family I've ever known.
1727
01:18:54,229 --> 01:18:57,061
You getting your own family made me, like,
1728
01:18:57,062 --> 01:19:00,729
just crazy and desperate
to find my own soulmate.
1729
01:19:01,521 --> 01:19:03,729
Bitch, I'm your soulmate.
1730
01:19:04,312 --> 01:19:05,437
Come here.
1731
01:19:10,062 --> 01:19:13,729
["At Seventeen" by Janis Ian playing]
1732
01:19:15,521 --> 01:19:19,603
♪ I learned the truth at 17 ♪
1733
01:19:19,604 --> 01:19:23,646
♪ That love was meant for beauty queens ♪
1734
01:19:24,271 --> 01:19:28,271
♪ And high school girls
With clear-skinned smiles ♪
1735
01:19:28,771 --> 01:19:30,186
♪ Who married young and then... ♪
1736
01:19:30,187 --> 01:19:31,395
Hey.
1737
01:19:31,396 --> 01:19:32,395
[song fades]
1738
01:19:32,396 --> 01:19:34,479
I saw the baby on Instagram.
1739
01:19:35,187 --> 01:19:36,520
She's perfect.
1740
01:19:36,521 --> 01:19:38,229
Uh, it's a he.
1741
01:19:39,687 --> 01:19:40,687
[Lainy gasping]
1742
01:19:43,021 --> 01:19:44,353
I'm the worst.
1743
01:19:44,354 --> 01:19:47,896
I'm not the kind of person who's going to
comfort someone who's hurt me.
1744
01:19:50,104 --> 01:19:51,062
That's fair.
1745
01:19:52,937 --> 01:19:55,396
All I ever wanted was to be a mom.
1746
01:19:56,812 --> 01:19:58,271
Since I was a little girl.
1747
01:19:58,896 --> 01:20:00,562
So I put that bump on.
1748
01:20:01,146 --> 01:20:02,854
I went to that stupid yoga class.
1749
01:20:04,271 --> 01:20:07,854
And I met you. And I couldn't help
but want to be friends with you.
1750
01:20:08,896 --> 01:20:09,937
And I got stuck.
1751
01:20:11,479 --> 01:20:13,020
You could have just told me.
1752
01:20:13,021 --> 01:20:15,687
I know what a mindfuck it is
being a woman, pregnant or not.
1753
01:20:16,437 --> 01:20:19,896
Well, I wanted to tell you. I was just...
1754
01:20:21,604 --> 01:20:25,020
Do you remember what it's like
to want a family so bad?
1755
01:20:25,021 --> 01:20:27,229
Of course. Of course.
1756
01:20:29,771 --> 01:20:32,853
I've just always wanted someone
to choose me. You know?
1757
01:20:32,854 --> 01:20:34,146
Lainy.
1758
01:20:35,187 --> 01:20:39,061
The most important relationship you are
ever going to have is with yourself.
1759
01:20:39,062 --> 01:20:41,146
[emotional music playing]
1760
01:20:42,062 --> 01:20:43,561
Well, I miss you, girl.
1761
01:20:43,562 --> 01:20:44,812
Come here.
1762
01:20:48,854 --> 01:20:50,520
I'm so sorry.
1763
01:20:50,521 --> 01:20:51,645
[Megan] It's okay.
1764
01:20:51,646 --> 01:20:54,354
Oh my God.
I was just watching this thing and I...
1765
01:20:58,354 --> 01:20:59,604
Oh my God.
1766
01:21:00,896 --> 01:21:03,103
Oh, no, no! No!
1767
01:21:03,104 --> 01:21:05,104
- Yes. Yes.
- [Josh] No! No!
1768
01:21:05,729 --> 01:21:06,979
- No!
- [Megan] Oh my God, Josh!
1769
01:21:07,604 --> 01:21:09,811
- Hey, you get down from there right now!
- No!
1770
01:21:09,812 --> 01:21:11,396
The neighbors are staring!
1771
01:21:12,437 --> 01:21:13,978
I'm not coming down ever!
1772
01:21:13,979 --> 01:21:17,186
Josh, can I please talk to you
for a minute? Just one minute.
1773
01:21:17,187 --> 01:21:18,895
Why? So you can tell me another lie?
1774
01:21:18,896 --> 01:21:22,145
You're not a teacher.
You're really a lighthouse keeper.
1775
01:21:22,146 --> 01:21:23,521
I lied.
1776
01:21:24,271 --> 01:21:27,603
I lied to you when I told you
that I got pregnant on Thanksgiving.
1777
01:21:27,604 --> 01:21:31,520
I lied to you when I said
I do charity work for animals.
1778
01:21:31,521 --> 01:21:34,311
I don't. I've never done
any charity work, ever.
1779
01:21:34,312 --> 01:21:38,895
I donate canned goods
if they're doing a drive or something,
1780
01:21:38,896 --> 01:21:42,520
but it's just the stuff
I don't want to eat, really, you know?
1781
01:21:42,521 --> 01:21:46,436
French cut green beans,
creamed corn. I, you know...
1782
01:21:46,437 --> 01:21:48,395
- I like cream corn.
- [Megan shushing]
1783
01:21:48,396 --> 01:21:49,311
Steve.
1784
01:21:49,312 --> 01:21:53,979
The point is that I'm not lying to you
when I say I am totally in love with you.
1785
01:21:54,937 --> 01:21:57,687
I know it's a big ask,
but can we just start over?
1786
01:21:59,354 --> 01:22:01,146
My name's not Sasha Fierce.
1787
01:22:02,687 --> 01:22:03,604
Hi.
1788
01:22:05,021 --> 01:22:06,479
My name is Lainy Newton.
1789
01:22:07,604 --> 01:22:08,729
What's yours?
1790
01:22:14,729 --> 01:22:17,437
Haven't you ever done
something stupid for love?
1791
01:22:18,604 --> 01:22:20,604
[Josh inhaling, exhaling]
1792
01:22:24,187 --> 01:22:26,103
Well, it was wrong, and I'm sorry.
1793
01:22:26,104 --> 01:22:27,937
[somber music playing]
1794
01:22:45,437 --> 01:22:46,604
[Josh] Ow, my arms.
1795
01:22:47,354 --> 01:22:49,354
[whimsical music playing]
1796
01:22:57,146 --> 01:22:58,229
[choir vocalizing]
1797
01:23:11,229 --> 01:23:12,229
[sighs]
1798
01:23:12,812 --> 01:23:13,896
[knock on door]
1799
01:23:15,562 --> 01:23:16,604
[music fades]
1800
01:23:17,146 --> 01:23:18,437
Can I come in?
1801
01:23:20,271 --> 01:23:21,229
No.
1802
01:23:21,771 --> 01:23:23,312
[Dave] I brought steak frites.
1803
01:23:33,187 --> 01:23:34,604
So how you been feeling?
1804
01:23:35,229 --> 01:23:36,853
What do you want, Dave?
1805
01:23:36,854 --> 01:23:39,104
I've never known you
to be this considerate.
1806
01:23:40,687 --> 01:23:41,646
Is it mine?
1807
01:23:45,854 --> 01:23:48,145
- Yes.
- Crap, dammit, I knew it.
1808
01:23:48,146 --> 01:23:50,603
I fucking knew it. I knew it.
1809
01:23:50,604 --> 01:23:52,436
[Dave breathing heavily]
1810
01:23:52,437 --> 01:23:53,603
They're yours.
1811
01:23:53,604 --> 01:23:54,687
They?
1812
01:23:56,146 --> 01:23:57,771
What, like twins?
1813
01:23:58,687 --> 01:24:00,561
Three? Oh, no.
1814
01:24:00,562 --> 01:24:03,936
How? How? [sobs] Oh my God!
1815
01:24:03,937 --> 01:24:04,936
Oh, wait.
1816
01:24:04,937 --> 01:24:06,854
[sobbing]
1817
01:24:07,896 --> 01:24:10,729
No, I can't. I can't do that.
1818
01:24:11,729 --> 01:24:13,770
Oh, my life's over. Shit!
1819
01:24:13,771 --> 01:24:15,311
No, that's good. That's good.
1820
01:24:15,312 --> 01:24:17,936
Yeah, we're gonna...
Yeah, three. That's crazy.
1821
01:24:17,937 --> 01:24:19,604
You gonna keep all of them, or...
1822
01:24:20,187 --> 01:24:21,561
God, you suck!
1823
01:24:21,562 --> 01:24:22,812
[velcro tearing]
1824
01:24:24,646 --> 01:24:26,603
Oh, it's not real? That's not real?
1825
01:24:26,604 --> 01:24:28,811
Oh, my... Oh, thank God.
1826
01:24:28,812 --> 01:24:32,687
Fuck yeah! It's not real. Yes!
1827
01:24:33,604 --> 01:24:34,687
[exclaims]
1828
01:24:35,271 --> 01:24:36,770
You are such a dick.
1829
01:24:36,771 --> 01:24:38,396
You're a dick.
1830
01:24:39,187 --> 01:24:41,103
I mean, four years.
1831
01:24:41,104 --> 01:24:44,354
Four fucking years.
Were you ever in love with me?
1832
01:24:44,937 --> 01:24:46,353
Lainy, yes.
1833
01:24:46,354 --> 01:24:47,521
I was.
1834
01:24:48,187 --> 01:24:50,979
Now, did I fall out of love with you? Yes.
1835
01:24:54,396 --> 01:24:55,312
I'm sorry.
1836
01:24:56,354 --> 01:24:58,228
I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy.
1837
01:24:58,229 --> 01:25:00,729
No, Lainy, it's not you.
1838
01:25:01,937 --> 01:25:04,395
I realized that I couldn't make you happy.
1839
01:25:04,396 --> 01:25:08,520
You know, you wanted
to be a wife and a mom,
1840
01:25:08,521 --> 01:25:10,645
and I thought I wanted that, too, but...
1841
01:25:10,646 --> 01:25:12,437
[breathes deeply, sighs]
1842
01:25:13,187 --> 01:25:16,187
I realized that I wanted so much more...
1843
01:25:17,937 --> 01:25:19,686
- Success.
- Pussy.
1844
01:25:19,687 --> 01:25:20,771
[Dave sighing]
1845
01:25:22,646 --> 01:25:24,146
[Lainy sighing]
1846
01:25:26,187 --> 01:25:27,604
I do still love you, though.
1847
01:25:28,937 --> 01:25:30,354
I want you to be okay.
1848
01:25:31,896 --> 01:25:32,978
That's sweet.
1849
01:25:32,979 --> 01:25:34,811
[smacking lips] I'm sweet.
1850
01:25:34,812 --> 01:25:36,395
[chuckles]
1851
01:25:36,396 --> 01:25:38,229
You wanna bone one more time?
1852
01:25:38,729 --> 01:25:39,771
No.
1853
01:25:40,937 --> 01:25:42,353
Why don't you head back over there...
1854
01:25:42,354 --> 01:25:43,770
- ...before I stab you?
- Right. Okay.
1855
01:25:43,771 --> 01:25:46,854
["Long Time" by Joan Jett
and the Blackhearts playing]
1856
01:25:48,979 --> 01:25:51,271
♪ It's nice of you to say ♪
1857
01:25:52,021 --> 01:25:54,021
♪ We can still be friends ♪
1858
01:25:54,854 --> 01:25:57,436
[straining]
1859
01:25:57,437 --> 01:26:00,062
Yes! Yes!
1860
01:26:00,562 --> 01:26:03,687
♪ Sure I always knew
We were worlds apart ♪
1861
01:26:05,979 --> 01:26:09,312
♪ But that don't help the sadness
In my heart ♪
1862
01:26:09,812 --> 01:26:15,771
♪ It's gonna take a long time
To get you off of my mind ♪
1863
01:26:17,146 --> 01:26:21,645
[all chattering indistinctly]
1864
01:26:21,646 --> 01:26:26,812
♪ Gonna take a long time ♪
1865
01:26:27,562 --> 01:26:28,979
♪ One, two, three... ♪
1866
01:26:33,937 --> 01:26:34,936
[song fades]
1867
01:26:34,937 --> 01:26:36,561
bell hooks said,
1868
01:26:36,562 --> 01:26:39,561
"The one person who will never leave us,
1869
01:26:39,562 --> 01:26:41,729
whom we will never lose,
1870
01:26:43,312 --> 01:26:44,646
is ourselves."
1871
01:26:45,312 --> 01:26:51,146
"Learning to love our female selves
is where our search for love must begin."
1872
01:26:52,354 --> 01:26:53,811
[Liam] Ms. Newton,
1873
01:26:53,812 --> 01:26:57,145
learning about female selves
is mad boring.
1874
01:26:57,146 --> 01:26:59,687
- Shut off, Liam.
- Okay.
1875
01:27:00,521 --> 01:27:01,853
No more questions, Brett.
1876
01:27:01,854 --> 01:27:03,646
- But, Ms. Newton--
- Brett...
1877
01:27:04,396 --> 01:27:07,561
...I need you to back up off me today, okay?
1878
01:27:07,562 --> 01:27:09,645
But I'm glad we communicated about this.
1879
01:27:09,646 --> 01:27:13,562
Lainy! There's a Zamboni outside.
1880
01:27:15,812 --> 01:27:19,229
["Take A Chance On Me"
by AWOLNATION (featuring Jewel) playing]
1881
01:27:20,229 --> 01:27:24,686
♪ Honey, I'm still free
Take a chance on me ♪
1882
01:27:24,687 --> 01:27:29,145
♪ If you need me, let me know
Gonna be around ♪
1883
01:27:29,146 --> 01:27:33,729
♪ If you've got no place to go
If you're feeling down ♪
1884
01:27:34,854 --> 01:27:39,436
♪ If you're all alone
When the pretty birds have flown ♪
1885
01:27:39,437 --> 01:27:41,936
♪ Honey, I'm still free, take a chance... ♪
1886
01:27:41,937 --> 01:27:44,021
[engine winding down]
1887
01:27:47,562 --> 01:27:50,436
You know, I once stole my own car
1888
01:27:50,437 --> 01:27:54,396
so I could use the insurance money
to buy my girlfriend a bag.
1889
01:27:54,979 --> 01:27:57,812
- A bag?
- Yeah, like a designer bag.
1890
01:27:58,896 --> 01:28:00,728
That's really stupid.
1891
01:28:00,729 --> 01:28:02,312
Yeah. Lainy...
1892
01:28:03,479 --> 01:28:04,646
you are insane.
1893
01:28:05,312 --> 01:28:08,146
Really, I think
you may be clinically insane,
1894
01:28:08,979 --> 01:28:11,979
but you make me laugh so much.
1895
01:28:12,604 --> 01:28:14,311
I love the way you look at me.
1896
01:28:14,312 --> 01:28:16,603
And I love looking at you.
1897
01:28:16,604 --> 01:28:18,021
[Shirley] Aw.
1898
01:28:18,521 --> 01:28:22,146
I had the best sex I've ever had with you
and I didn't see anything.
1899
01:28:25,271 --> 01:28:28,936
You know, someone once said,
"Watch out for love,
1900
01:28:28,937 --> 01:28:32,854
unless it is true
and every part of you says yes...
1901
01:28:34,312 --> 01:28:35,562
including the toes."
1902
01:28:37,187 --> 01:28:38,687
Anne Sexton.
1903
01:28:39,437 --> 01:28:42,396
Look, I guess what I'm saying is...
1904
01:28:43,437 --> 01:28:46,062
Hi, my name is Josh.
1905
01:28:48,271 --> 01:28:50,145
♪ If you're all alone... ♪
1906
01:28:50,146 --> 01:28:52,229
[all cheering]
1907
01:28:52,812 --> 01:28:57,186
♪ Honey, I'm still free
Take a chance on me ♪
1908
01:28:57,187 --> 01:29:01,645
♪ Gonna do my very best
Baby, can't you see? ♪
1909
01:29:01,646 --> 01:29:06,103
♪ Gotta put me to the test
Take a chance on me ♪
1910
01:29:06,104 --> 01:29:08,436
♪ Take a chance on me ♪
1911
01:29:08,437 --> 01:29:10,853
♪ Come on, give me a break, will you? ♪
1912
01:29:10,854 --> 01:29:12,936
♪ Take a chance on me ♪
1913
01:29:12,937 --> 01:29:14,603
[engine starting]
1914
01:29:14,604 --> 01:29:17,728
♪ Oh, you can take your time, baby ♪
1915
01:29:17,729 --> 01:29:19,895
♪ I'm in no hurry ♪
1916
01:29:19,896 --> 01:29:23,145
- ♪ Know I'm gonna get you ♪
- ♪ Know I'm gonna get you ♪
1917
01:29:23,146 --> 01:29:24,146
[zamboni crashing]
1918
01:29:26,229 --> 01:29:28,061
- Oh, sorry!
- Oh, no.
1919
01:29:28,062 --> 01:29:31,228
- [Lainy] Oh, my God, no, I got it!
- [Josh] I drive this!
1920
01:29:31,229 --> 01:29:33,145
- I got it!
- No. Take your foot off the gas!
1921
01:29:33,146 --> 01:29:35,936
- I thought I was on the brake!
- Get out of the way!
1922
01:29:35,937 --> 01:29:37,478
- No, it's not!
- [Lainy] All right!
1923
01:29:37,479 --> 01:29:38,771
You're on the gas!
1924
01:29:39,562 --> 01:29:41,645
- Oh...
- Fuck!
1925
01:29:41,646 --> 01:29:43,521
[all screaming]
1926
01:29:44,354 --> 01:29:46,437
- [man] Look out!
- [screaming]
1927
01:29:47,646 --> 01:29:49,312
- Oh, shit.
- [panting]
1928
01:29:52,229 --> 01:29:54,229
Oh, fuck.
1929
01:29:54,729 --> 01:29:57,729
["Bam Bam (Henry Fong Remix)"
by Sister Nancy playing]
1930
01:30:56,562 --> 01:30:58,061
[song fades]
1931
01:30:58,062 --> 01:31:00,687
[upbeat music playing]
1932
01:31:30,646 --> 01:31:32,646
[uplifting music playing]
1933
01:37:43,562 --> 01:37:45,104
[music fades]
131810
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