Original subtitles

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(gentle piano music)

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- Ordinarily, I could handle it without any trouble.

But, you see, I've got these ants crawling up my legs,

and, you know, ever since I was a kid I just--

- Don't worry about it.

Here, wet your throat.

(woman screaming)

(lively instrumental music)

(woman screaming)

(lively instrumental music)

(gentle tempo music)

(eerie music)

(lively instrumental music)

(ominous music)

(lively bongo music)

(ominous music)

(lively instrumental music)

(blood squelching)

(footsteps thumping)

(lively instrumental music)

(ominous music)

- [Woman] Shut up and sit down.

- People are stupid.

My favorite series, my work of art, my message is horror.

(ominous music)

MacGregor is retiring.

He's leaving me flat in the middle of the 843rd episode.

- How about his contract?

- There's a loophole in his contract.

His doctor has given him orders

to avoid any disturbing emotions.

It's bad for him to play monsters.

He might have a breakdown.

He wants to play the lead in a romantic series.

- But...

- But, not with those teeth like a ghoul.

- Anyway, that romantic series would...

- It would what?

- Would be horrible.

- You, get out!

You're not being paid to make bad jokes in my office.

You're being paid to make them on my shows!

(silly music)

- [Woman] Sit down.

(sultry, jazzy saxophone music)

- Maggie, baby doll,

bring me all our records on Dracula.

(sultry, jazzy saxophone music)

Don't waste your time on them, Maggie.

These gentlemen are fired.

- [Woman] You're fired.

Sit down.

(sultry, jazzy saxophone music)

- Thanks, sweetheart. That'll be all.

What are you working on now?

- Well, right now we're on another episode

of "The Growing Pains of Daphne."

- What is that?

- Boss, you must be joking.

It's our front-running serial.

We're on the 193rd episode, and we're still getting letters.

Last week, it was six thousand and something...

- [Woman] Sit down.

- You have one chance.

One way out.

I want MacGregor to take over at once

in the main part in the "Growing Pains of Daphne."

I mean in next week's episode.

And I want your story changed so it's terrifying.

Do I have to explain?

Terrifying!

- But, boss,

how about Errol Cooper?

(boss laughing)

(ominous music)

- On screen, imbecile.

I might need him yet.

Your car around somewhere?

- In the parking lot.

- Have you got your luggage with you?

- No, boss.

- You've got your luggage with you!

- If you say so.

- [Woman] Get out.

- And take this bundle along.

You're invited to MacGregor's.

Remember, you're not there to play this weekend.

MacGregor is preparing a welcome for you.

I hope that you will be inspired

to new flights of genius out there!

Get going!

(melancholic string music)

(boss crying)

MacGregor...

Oh, MacGregor.

Romantic.

You fiend!

You broke my heart.

You vampire!

(melancholic string music)

Oh, traitor!

Villain!

(somber saxophone music)

(blood squelching)

(distant police sirens wailing)

- Is that all yours, Tovaritch?

- Of course not.

- Well?

Hey!

Where am I supposed to put this?

- Don't ask me.

(gentle beat music)

(engine rumbling)

- Can you stop?

- What's wrong?

- Be right back.

(urination trickling)

I don't like it.

- What don't you like?

- Don't worry about a thing. Wet your throat.

Somebody is back there, Alfred.

- It drinks.

- Therefore, it exists.

- Well, maybe they're deaf mutes.

- We'll soon find out.

- [Boss] Drive on! Keep your eyes on the road!

The atmosphere at MacGregor's is supposed to inspire you.

The two ladies are part of the atmosphere.

They're not for you to make small talk with

and they're not for you to make.

I don't want them to show up at MacGregor's castle

looking shopworn.

He'd think they were unworthy to be his partners.

They are creatures from an erotic dream.

- I'm not much for the living, Tovaritch,

but let me tell you that as erotic dream-girls,

they are, they don't quite do the...

- Trick.

- Huh?

Trick?

- [Alfred] Truck!

(horn honking)

(cars crashing)

(steam hissing)

(Alfred groaning)

- So what do you think of these two?

- Shopworn, what else?

(men yelping)

- What the--?

- These are heavy.

- Well, it's not so much that they're heavy.

Ordinarily, I could handle it without any trouble,

but, you see, I've got these ants crawling up my legs.

And, you know, ever since I was a kid,

I just couldn't stand ants.

How're you doing?

- I'm tired of playing porter for those two.

- Yeah, me, too.

These suitcases must be full of lead, you know?

- Ah, don't worry about a thing.

- Hey.

- Here, wet your throat.

- Here, wet yours.

- Ah.

- Well, let's go.

I mean, just us. They can shove the luggage.

- [Boris] Yeah, they can shove it.

(foreboding music)

(ax chopping)

(tree creaking, falling)

(tree thudding)

(cathedral bell ringing)

(foreboding music)

(cathedral bell ringing) (group knocking)

(ominous music)

(locks clanking)

(eerie music)

(chains rattling)

(eerie music)

(metal clanking)

- Good heavens, our guests have arrived.

How do you do?

Abélard, are you going to start the fire

or shall I call on the devil?

I'm the mistress of the house.

My name is Mabel, and I like young and beautiful people.

Oh, we are going to get along just fine.

Abélard!

Show these ladies and gentlemen to their rooms.

See you soon.

(Mabel cackling)

- Good evening, good people.

I am MacGregor.

(pleasant piano music)

- How do you do, sir? - How do you do, sir?

- Is Abélard responsible for your lamentable appearance?

(Abélard grunting)

Abélard, I told you to be polite to our guests.

My dears, you mustn't let him bully you.

Have you met my wife?

She was his first, you know.

- Yes, we've had the honor, sir.

- Uh-huh. - Uh-huh.

- We met Mabel just now.

- No one is to call her Mabel!

- Yes, but she said that--

- I know!

I know!

To her, a Christian name is sacrosanct.

(MacGregor laughing)

I call her Héloïse because I find it more romantic.

Without romance, my dear young friends, we are lost,

we are all lost.

I was until I found it!

It is romance that separates man from beasts.

For that is why I married Héloïse.

She is my claim to humanity.

She is my soul.

Now, you cannot call your soul "Mabel," I ask you.

(Abélard grunting)

Abélard!

Control yourself!

He isn't brutal by nature, you understand.

I only married Héloïse after he had that

unfortunate accident with his ax.

Terrible blow to his manhood.

Beware of Abélard, my friends.

He's so clumsy.

(Abélard grunting)

See you later.

Oh, by the way, we dress for dinner.

- [Woman] But, Mr. Mac...

- Oh, no "Mister." Please, just MacGregor.

- Yes, but these halfwits left all our suitcases

in the middle of a field.

- My dear young lady-- - Maddie.

- You are an actress, I believe,

and I'm told these gentlemen are scriptwriters.

Therefore, you belong to that privileged group

for whom imagination is a professional obligation.

You have now entered the royal realms of romance.

Now, surely you did not expect to arrive in a motor car

and with suitcases.

Oh, how mundane!

No.

You float in on wings of love.

This castle is now yours.

Its resources are boundless.

Make good use of them.

(flame sizzling)

(door thudding)

- [Alfred] Hey!

(flame sizzling)

(Boris yelping)

(flame sizzling)

(wind howling)

- Hey!

Don't keep me alone in this haunted house.

- I'm right next door.

I'm not going anywhere before I've had my shower.

- Maddie, aren't you afraid to be alone with him?

- Oh, why should I be afraid, he's not mean at all.

Just a wee bit clumsy now and then.

He's a nice Abélard.

Good boy, good boy.

(door thudding)

(Marie yelping)

(flame sizzling)

(pleasant beat music)

(flame sizzling)

(pleasant beat music)

(flame sizzling)

(lively guitar music)

(Abélard yelping)

(door thudding)

(door knocking)

- Oh, Maddie, it's awful.

I was just about to take a bath.

- Oh, what's wrong with the bath?

- It'll make you sick.

Have you looked at yours?

(water trickling)

- I better get a lamp.

- You better get a lamp.

It's blood!

Just like my bathroom.

It's gotta be blood, it's all red.

- Blood nothing, it's rust.

Just wait a second, we'll bathe in here.

(Maddie yelping)

My head!

I...

(Marie screaming)

- Maddie!

Maddie!

Ah!

(upbeat music)

(women giggling)

Dracula.

♪ There are goblins, clear ♪

♪ And wolves and ghouls ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ There's ghosts somewhere ♪

♪ They smirk and drool ♪

♪ I know it's square ♪

♪ I should stay cool ♪

♪ I'm afraid it's dumb but my blood runs cold ♪

♪ And I want some big man for the lay ♪

♪ These hands to hold ♪

♪ I'm scared, I swear ♪

♪ To be alone ♪

(upbeat funk music)

♪ This old chateau ♪

♪ it may be weird ♪

♪ There's spooks below ♪

♪ Our hosts are queer ♪

♪ But if some phantom or wolf comes through ♪

♪ We'll let it come ♪

♪ Monsters don't scare us ♪

♪ Just by groaning low ♪

♪ I'll tell them where ♪

♪ All fiends can go ♪

(upbeat funk music)

♪ No, that's taboo ♪

♪ And I'm so scared ♪

♪ I'm weak, it's true ♪

♪ But I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause the boys I see ♪

♪ Like a chick that's scared for company ♪

♪ if a guy can swear ♪

♪ That he's Hercules ♪

♪ And in the dark ♪

♪ He'll haunt and scream ♪

(upbeat funk music)

♪ A goblin's kind ♪

♪ And ghouls are too ♪

♪ A wolf's sublime ♪

♪ But play it cool ♪

♪ Us poor girls are dumb ♪

♪ Not to get a man to comfort us ♪

♪ if true love inspires ♪

♪ Show how scared you are ♪

♪ Of a vampire ♪

♪ Or Dracula ♪

♪ Or Dracula ♪ (Marie giggling)

- Dracula.

- Bring the lamp over here, will ya?

- Don't worry about a thing. Wet your throat.

- [Alfred] Bring the lamp, I said.

We have to dress for dinner tonight.

(eerie music)

You coming today or tomorrow?

- Why, what have you found?

- Enough costumes for a party.

- Oh!

- Just look at this, it's fantastic! It's packed full.

We'll find something for sure.

We'll maybe find some gold.

- Oh.

Must be his first wife.

- [Alfred] He must've played every role in the book.

- Yeah, and maybe a few that have not been written yet.

- Maybe so.

There's great stuff here.

Be a pity to let it lie here and rot.

- Tovaritch?

- Huh?

Hey, no, don't be a jerk!

Stop playing with that.

That scares me to death!

That's not bad.

It feels just like Halloween.

- [Boris] Oh, look.

- How's this look on me?

Not bad, eh?

- [Boris] Tovaritch, take a look at this!

- What do you got?

- [Boris] A treasure.

- No, hey, the man said dress up, not made up.

- Yes, but look at all this.

What a setup.

- [Alfred] You gay or something?

You never told me.

- [Boris] Oh, it's no laughing matter, Tovaritch.

My grandfather made up the whole Imperial Court in Russia.

My father was makeup man for the Moscow Ballet.

I have grease paint in my blood.

- [Alfred] Is that why you were out of a job when I met you?

- True, Tovaritch.

Only my makeup was before its time

and no one saw that it was the model of the future.

Let's get to work, Tovaritch.

- Mm-hmm.

- Where are the girls?

- They're upstairs.

Oh, I can see them now, Tovaritch.

Naked as beauty, pure as light,

glowing with makeup from head to toe.

(Boris speaking foreign language)

- Come in, don't bother to knock.

- What are those two up to?

- What are you two doing?

- These designs are exclusive.

(men whistling)

- Oh.

Voyeur.

- Dirty old men.

(ominous music)

(fireplace crackling)

- My dear young friends,

you see before you the last great master of horror.

There will never be another after MacGregor.

Horror is dead.

And being dead, it can no longer frighten anyone.

- But, Mr. Gregor--

- Mac!

- Me and Alfred will be fired.

The boss wonders, you know?

- Stick to romance.

Believe me, it is the only truth, the only beauty.

Remember your Keats.

"Beauty is truth, truth beauty."

- Mac-- Mr. MacGregor,

romance is what we've been doing for 10 years.

- And I have just landed on its perfumed shores.

We shall see what we shall see.

- You better hurry or you'll miss the boat, Dad.

No, I mean it, Mr. Mac.

- Gregor.

- Gregor.

- Mac!

- All right.

All I mean is why wouldn't it be possible

to make a film with romance and horror?

Romance by itself is horrible, you know.

(Boris coughing)

- All she means is horror could be presented romantically

because you could...

- And Madame Héloïse could be in the show with him.

- Do not laugh!

You pray that one day you may be like my wife.

For it was Héloïse who took me by the hand

and lead me along the idyllic paths of romance.

How I pursued her...

night after night,

every night,

through the forest by moonlight.

- Every night?

- And I was naked, dear sir.

- Naked.

- Yes, Antoine.

- Alfred.

- Oh, yes.

Alfred.

- Oh, but my dear, there was a king, Alfred the Great.

There's Hitchcock.

Alfred can be a very romantic name.

- That's true.

But nevertheless, I wish his name were Antoine.

(cathedral bell ringing)

(wind howling)

- Abélard.

Put that down at once.

It's beneath your dignity.

After all, you were my wife's first husband.

- Don't worry about a thing.

(wind howling)

- My dear young lady,

may I have the pleasure of this waltz?

- What waltz?

(pleasant piano music)

(pleasant instrumental music)

(pleasant instrumental music)

(pleasant instrumental music)

(pleasant instrumental music)

(pleasant instrumental music)

(gunshot booming)

- What an amateur.

- Boris!

My God, why did you do it?

Boris?

Why?

Why?

(Héloïse crying)

(melancholic music)

- You think we should go get candles?

- Know what? I think we should go get candles.

(melancholic string music)

(hammer thudding)

(water sloshing)

- [Marie] Where is he?

- Everybody had a partner but me.

I was getting lonely.

- Come on in, ladies.

He's a lousy writer but as a makeup man, he's a genius.

The problem is he can't stop while he's ahead.

- So what? You were all dripping with romanticism,

weren't you?

Now, what if the boss had seen the act?

Real hearts and flowers.

Somebody had to remind you what we came here for.

Our mission was to get Mac back on horror,

not moonlight and roses.

I tried my best, so?

- Well, maybe, but it didn't work right.

I mean, if you were trying to impress him, you failed.

He called your a rank amateur.

So we start from scratch.

I don't suppose anyone else has an idea.

(wood clacking)

(wood clacking)

(wolf howling)

(wood clacking)

- [Maddie] No, I don't want to.

I didn't come here to play spooks. Anyway, it's cold.

- [Alfred] Come on, will you?

It's sure to scare him.

- [Maddie] Then you put it on.

- [Alfred] It's too small for me.

Anyway, I get paid to dream up ideas, not to carry them out.

- [Maddie] Oh, what a job. I won't fit in this armor!

- [Alfred] No, you won't, it's well-crafted.

- [Maddie] Why don't you feel me up while you're at it?

You don't think I don't spot your game?

- [Alfred] Boy Scout's honor.

No, you're gonna be nice?

- [Maddie] See, you're admitting it.

- [Alfred] I am not admitting it.

- [Maddie] Leave me alone!

(wolves howling)

(wolf howling)

(gentle guitar music)

- [Alfred] You think I've got nothing to do but chase you all night?

- [Maddie] I don't care what you do!

That's enough now. Stop it or I'll scream!

I'll wake up the dead! - Just wait a second, will you?

I'm gonna count to three.

One... Two...

Maddie! - Alfred!

(Maddie laughing)

- [Maddie] Oh, this romantic's a drag.

- [Alfred] Wouldn't MacGregor be happy to hear that?

- [Maddie] Yeah, go tell him.

- [Alfred] Don't you know the problem about--

- [Maddie] You're better at poetry yet.

- [Alfred] Listen.

- [Maddie] Yeah?

- [Alfred] It'll be too late.

- [Maddie] I know, yeah.

- [Alfred] Okay, you win, Maddie, listen, you win.

You hear me, you win.

I give up! - No!

- [Alfred] That's enough, I've had it.

You happy now?

- [Maddie] No!

- [Alfred] Wait just a second.

Hold it!

(Maddie yelping)

(metal armor clattering)

- Hey, hey!

I'm waiting.

- Coming, my turtle dove.

- [Maddie] On the count of three.

One, two--

- Maddie. - Alfred!

Ow!

(birds chirping)

(Héloïse laughing)

(ominous music)

(ax thudding)

(Maddie yelping)

- Get lost, Casanova.

You go to your room now.

How am I supposed to do two things at once?

- What two things?

- Ball and be scared out of my wits.

- But, Maddie!

- Never mind, Maddie, you.

Don't forget, you promised me

you'd just help me with my buttons

and unpin me so I could get out of this dress.

- But I'd be scared to death all my myself.

I'm staying right here.

- All right.

All right, then out with me.

I'll go sleep down in your room then.

And mind you, keep away from me until breakfast, got that?

- But, Maddie!

Maddie?

Maddie!

Maddie?

Maddie!

(door thudding)

(wind howling)

(distant ax thudding)

Hey.

(Boris shushing)

Ah.

Ooh.

- [Marie's Voice] Oh, I want a mirror.

- No, patience.

You mustn't peek.

- Yeah, you might drop dead.

- Right, and what do we do with a dead body?

Just tell me that, huh?

(Boris laughing)

- Try not to be as stupid as Boris, huh?

Don't wake up smiling before you're supposed to.

- Shut your mouth, I'm not an actor.

- [Marie's Voice] Hey, you guys, I'm scared.

- Let's go scare Uncle MacGregor.

- [Marie] What am I supposed to do?

- [Alfred] Marie, keep your voice down.

- [Marie] Yes, but what do I do?

- [Alfred] You scream and you play dead.

Even you should be able to manage that.

- [Marie] I'm scared.

- [Alfred] Don't you worry, it'll be all right.

(wind howling)

Go ahead.

(Marie screaming)

(match sizzling)

(wind howling)

- Marie disappeared.

As for MacGregor,

either he's immune or he dropped dead from fright.

I didn't hear a thing.

Oh, Tovaritch, this is bad news.

We're not made for horror scripts.

A total failure.

(cork popping)

(Alfred gasping)

(bed thudding)

(door thudding)

What was that?

Come on!

Tovaritch, there's someone in your room.

- I know, a horrible monster under the bed covers

going "boom, boom, boom."

I'm worn out.

I'm staying here, I'm not moving.

- Then we'll all sleep together.

- Oh, no.

- Well, we'll leave then.

- Yes, we'll sleep in Marie's room.

- Oh, all right.

(sensual tempo music)

(eerie music)

(metal clanking)

(Alfred screaming)

(intense music)

(sinister music)

(lively instrumental music)

(Alfred screaming)

(gentle string music)

(chickens clucking)

- I trust you slept well.

Did the night inspire you with romantic ideas

to help the beginner that I shall be?

- But, Mr. MacGregor,

if you abandon the horror field,

who will pick up the torch?

- My young friend, you still do not understand.

It will be extinguished forever.

Its sickly light replaced by the bright flame of love.

Ah, delicious.

Would you like Abélard to bring you some?

You would love it.

He makes the most marvelous Bloody Mary.

(Abélard grunting)

(Abélard moaning)

- [Héloïse] I see, I see...

- [MacGregor] My dear, stop that.

- Leave me alone, they are speaking to me.

I see, I see...

Unhappiness.

Great unhappiness.

- Mabel, I've asked you never to read the future!

- Héloïse. - Hmm?

Oh, yes, yes, of course, Héloïse.

There, there, there.

But don't do it anymore.

(gentle piano music)

(pleasant piano music)

(distant ax thudding)

(Abélard groaning)

He's done it again.

I wonder what'll be missing this time.

(Abélard groaning)

(Abélard yelping)

(Abélard yelling)

(Maddie yelping)

Men spend their lives

losing pieces of their bodies and their souls,

and each time it happens, they cry out in anguish.

That is romanticism.

The cries of man discarding life behind him.

Never again will I provoke cries of fear.

They're such little sounds.

Henceforth, I wish only they hear

cries of the spirit in ecstasy.

You come with me, you'll soon understand.

I will make you understand!

- Well, I was really thinking about taking a little nap.

You know, sleep?

- Ah, sleep.

The time has come for me to learn to close my eyes.

Do you often dream, my dear?

- Well, I had a dream last night.

- Tell me. (gentle piano music)

- I was nude,

and I was being rubbed by lots of hands.

They were rubbing me all over, faster and faster,

and it got more and more painful.

They hurt me and they burned like fire.

But at the same time, I was feeling cold.

And then it seemed they squeezed me

around the waist real hard.

In the dream, they just cut me in two.

But it wasn't painful

because I was so awfully cold, you know?

I'm sure the hands were yours.

Your hands and MacGregor's, and they began to warm me.

Then I felt almost dead and almost good, too.

I didn't scream, either.

I remember that.

I didn't scream at all.

(Abélard screaming)

(lively instrumental music)

♪ You clumsy boy ♪

♪ An ax, you know ♪

♪ ls not a toy ♪

♪ Just ask your toe ♪

♪ Now be big and brave while I wrap it up ♪

♪ All nice and neat ♪

♪ So just you behave ♪

♪ And the pain will stop ♪

♪ Then you can have a lollipop ♪

(Abélard groaning)

- All finished.

(Abélard groaning)

Don't mind, it's all right.

You've been a good boy.

So here's a nice reward for Abé-loo-loo.

(Abélard grunting)

(pleasant instrumental music)

(Abélard screaming)

- [Abélard] No!

Oh, no!

- This world is dead, my dear Alfred.

It has been sacrificed on the altar of love.

Héloïse changed my life.

For me, she has eliminated horror.

She's led me irresistibly towards a world

where hearts palpitate, not in torture chambers,

but beneath pure and snow white breasts.

It was she who finally exorcized

the specter of my grandfather.

Took 40 years to bury him.

For a gravedigger, that is tragic.

(wind howling)

- May your mother and father rest in peace.

And God keep them in His holy care.

We are the last of the MacGregor's now, you and I.

- [MacGregor] My grandfather was as old as time.

He was a gravedigger, like his father before him.

And like mine.

I was a blonde youth; a tow hair, I remember.

And I was alone.

- Here, son.

(wind howling)

Get on!

What do you want to be when you grow up, laddie?

Hmm?

(wind howling)

I'll teach you the trade of grave-digging

if you'd like me to.

(wind howling)

(pleasant music)

- I want to be an actor like them.

- [MacGregor] An actor.

For 40 years, I've been frightening people,

sucking blood from my helpless victims.

Like my grandfather, I buried bodies and exhumed them.

- You good-for-nothing hooligans!

Sluggards!

Mountebanks!

Child-stealers!

Destroyers of souls!

You little devil!

You know what happens to people like them?

They're buried without God by the side of the road!

You come with me or you'll be a-cursed like them!

(wind howling)

- I chose to be cursed, my dear Alfred.

It killed my grandfather.

(wind howling)

(pleasant jingling music)

When I caught up with the gypsies,

their wagon was overturned.

I offered them my grandfather's hearse in exchange.

That hearse carried me away down the road of dreams

into the world of fantasy.

I was born into a new life.

I was going to be an actor.

(pleasant harmonica music)

The ghost of my grandfather,

unburied and unwept beside the road,

haunted every role I ever played.

And the irony of fate decreed that my first role

was the gravedigger in "Hamlet."

So you see, my dear Alfred,

it takes more than drama courses and actor's workshops

to become a high priest of horror.

Come over here and look at Uncle Mac's photo album.

- Oh, gee, that's beautiful!

What's that funny-looking thing?

- An electric chair.

I'll show you the real thing, three dimensional.

It's in full working order.

- If I'm real good, do you promise to scare me, Uncle Mac?

- I might, if you promise to be very bad.

Comfy?

- Come.

Come, Alfred.

Let me show you a little private collection of my own.

(metal clattering)

Can you try it?

Try it.

- What?

Excuse me, Héloïse, but--

- Where are you going?

- Oh, I just, I forgot something in my room.

- Antoine.

Antoine! - I'll be right back.

- Antoine.

Antoine.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no.

Antoine, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No!

- Anything wrong, my turtledove?

Oh, has the handsome Alfred flown the coop?

- I told you, you little whore!

You monster!

You should be ashamed of yourself,

taking advantage of the weakest and pure-hearted.

- Oh, come, come, my beloved.

She wasn't taking advantage of me.

No, no, I was simply showing her how the chair works.

You see?

Now, now.

- Oh, cut that out!

Boris?

Stop playing games.

Get up and go wash yourself.

(Alfred yelping)

(blood squelching)

(ominous music)

Boris!

(ax thudding)

- No, Tovaritch, it wasn't me, it was him!

- Who?

(Alfred yelping)

(Alfred gurgling)

- Wet your throat.

He's gone completely mad, Tovaritch.

(Boris speaking foreign language)

This goon is as mad as a March hare.

- But he killed Maddie.

- Yes, chopped her in pieces, Tovaritch.

I think she tried being seductive,

and you know that kind of thing could disturb him.

- It could, how?

- Have you forgotten?

The poor guy is all finished.

He lost more than just his brains.

He's Queen of the May for good.

(Abélard growling) (Boris and Alfred yelping)

(lively electric guitar music)

(ominous music)

(glass shattering)

(Abélard crying)

I can handle him now, I think, Tovaritch.

Find our hosts and get them to phone the police.

(Abélard crying)

- MacGregor!

MacGregor!

All right, playtime's over, MacGregor!

Madeleine is dead!

The village idiot buried the hatchet in her back!

What?

What's...

What's happening?

- She got mad right after you left,

hit him with a whip and he dropped dead.

Just dropped dead on the spot.

- The candles!

What have you done with the candles?

Go and get them!

- I know, that's enough now!

What are you doing in that?

- You're wasting your time, it's solid.

I've been trying to get through

ever since he has his attack.

If you hadn't been so chicken and run away like a baby,

I wouldn't be pinned at a time like this.

- Yes, but I might have been in time to save Maddie

if I had gone sooner.

So much for a nice, peaceful weekend.

(Marie crying)

Don't be afraid, Marie.

I'm right here with you.

I won't leave you anymore.

(Héloïse crying)

(Héloïse crying)

Madeleine's dead, we've got to call the police!

Where's the telephone?

- The telephone?

Did you hear that, MacGregor?

The would-be horror story writer

wants to know where the telephone is.

- [Marie] Alfred, watch out!

(Héloïse cackling)

- Stop it, Héloïse!

(Héloïse cackling)

Cut that out!

Héloïse.

- Sit down.

You're going to die, Antoine.

And you, too, you little bitch!

What would I care if the whole world dies?

MacGregor is no more.

I shall grow old, alone in this castle.

Terribly romantic, isn't it?

How kind of you to visit a lonely old woman.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Yes, yes, you must have some tea.

Let me get it for you.

- Talk about bats in the belfry.

- She's dangerous as a cobra, too.

- She's strong as a bull.

She picked him up and put him right on the table.

- What the hell's she doing?

- Getting undressed.

- Oh, just what we needed.

(glass shattering)

(eerie music)

(doors thudding)

(ominous music)

- Oh, yes, you are going to die, Antoine.

But first, I shall grant you one last hour of bliss.

We are going to make love like animals.

I want you to give me a child.

Then I'll be never alone in this castle again.

I love you, I love you, Antoine.

If I untie one hand,

you are going to give me pleasure, won't you?

Won't you?

- All right, let me go, Héloïse.

- Come, Antoine.

- Alfred!

(whip cracking)

- Oh, you are so handsome.

Why are you so mean with your little Héloïse?

Oh, you love me.

You will beg to make love to me.

So handsome, so handsome.

Isn't he handsome?

His legs are like oak trees.

You love me, Antoine?

Then wait for me.

One must learn to be patient when one is in love, you know?

(ominous music)

See his legs?

Like oak trees.

And I'm going to carve my name.

Not just my initial, my whole name.

Did you think I would carve a heart and arrow,

a bleeding heart?

No, I shall carve my name.

"Héloïse."

(Alfred whimpering)

(Alfred screaming)

Oh, yes.

We'll make love.

(Alfred screaming)

We'll go on the floor

and be covered with blood, your blood and mine,

while I shall be a virgin, Antoine.

I won't have to force you to love me, will I?

(Alfred screaming)

Because it's not so sure that Abélard mutilated himself

so long ago with an ax.

Perhaps I did it.

MacGregor is very good at making people forget.

Or perhaps he did it.

MacGregor, he did so want to marry me.

Didn't you, MacGregor?

Hey!

Hey, hey.

Hey!

Hey, hey!

(MacGregor yelping)

- Mabel!

How many times must I ask you not to startle

the life into me like that?

- I'm sorry, MacGregor, it's the last time.

- It's so bad for my heart.

- Is she ready?

- Yes.

I did what you told me to.

- Release her.

(eerie music)

- Oh no, don't do that, please.

You see, I'm still a virgin.

- A virgin?

Héloïse,

I have found a virgin.

(ominous music)

Come, my dove.

My little gazelle, my angel.

You will see ten thousand suns,

and our child will have the genius

of all the Draculas in this world

and the beauty of all the virgins on this earth.

You will spend your life gazing passionately now, child!

And I shall exist in its eyes!

I shall be its soul!

- Mac, you are making me dizzy.

- Oh, not now!

- That's enough, MacGregor!

- But why, she loves it, you know.

- [Alfred] Madeleine's dead.

- Oh dear, oh dear, how did that happen?

- Abélard murdered her with an ax.

- How clumsy.

How do you know he did, you buffoon?

- I saw her body with my own eyes.

- Where is it?

- Out in the hallway.

- You're sure?

You are perfectly sure?

(Marie yelping)

You see before you someone who has created living beings

out of bits and pieces of dead bodies,

some of which are very old.

Older than the earth!

- Now, now, dear, that's a slight exaggeration.

- What do you mean?

Have you forgotten my last effort?

- That's true.

He was so strong.

- As strong as an elephant, and practically immortal.

You can get down now.

- But he wasn't very attractive.

- You can't expect everything.

Bah!

Look at the waist of this bird of paradise.

Have you forgotten last night?

Well, touch it.

Touch it!

Is it not as smooth as silk?

No scars.

(gentle piano music)

- [Héloïse] MacGregor, will the Devil come tonight?

- Oh, cut it out.

- What difference would it make?

You don't believe in him.

If he was here before you, you wouldn't recognize him.

Because you don't understand something,

you dismiss it and laugh!

Why, I could be the Devil for all you know or care!

- Oh yes, yes, yes, MacGregor.

Play the Devil, please!

- Oh, not tonight, dear.

There is a virgin amongst us and she'll be frightened.

- I won't be scared, I promise.

- You see how wise I am to abandon horror?

Even virgins are no longer afraid.

- Well,

I'm not quite a virgin.

- My dear child, you can only be one thing or the other.

- Most of the roles I play are juvenile parts

and my agent says that all ingenues are virgins.

- And your agent thinks ingenues

should not believe in the devil?

- What an age we live in.

- Fear is disappearing.

Yes, my friend, it is growing old.

- Aren't you afraid of growing old?

Are you afraid of getting old?

- I've never thought about it.

(gentle piano music)

- She's not afraid of growing old,

she's in love.

Love is ageless.

And because she's in love, she is pure.

- Because she's in love, she's pure.

Is that always true, MacGregor?

- [MacGregor] Oh yes, it is always true.

All things from above are peaceful and gentle and pure.

- [Héloïse] I love you.

- [MacGregor] And I love you, my dear, brave old girl.

- Please, MacGregor, play the wolf.

And then the werewolf, and then the Devil, please.

- I cannot play the Devil, Héloïse, not even for you.

Playing the Devil is such dirty business.

It's not creative.

You have no choice.

And if you have no choice, then you have no dignity.

You have to be nasty all the time for all eternity.

You become a machine.

I was a machine for evil.

But outside of work, no one can make demands of me.

I am free.

I have the right to be gentle.

I'll tell you a secret, if you let it remain one.

With you,

I try to be like God.

For you alone.

That is why you are so beautiful to me.

Because of you, I created for the first time.

- What did you create for me, MacGregor?

- I created your smile, your companionship,

your soft hands,

the look in your eyes,

your tenderness,

that which is in your heart.

You gave me romance.

(pleasant piano music)

- I love you.

- And I love you, my dear, dear old friend.

(door creaking)

(ominous music)

(Boris and Abélard snoring)

- [Boss] Yeah, come on, block him.

- [Man] "Bumblers," 65, take one.

- [Boss] Action.

(film camera motor clicking)

Cut.

(men laughing)

(silly music)

- [Man] "Bumblers," 68, take one.

- You are all fired!

(ominous music)

YOU'RE FIRED

Pack everything up!

Let's go!

Make it fast!

There's nothing more for us to do here.

- [Maddie] Romance is cool,

for now and then,

but not with ghouls or dirty old men.

♪ What I want is a stud that won't get tired ♪

♪ Or better yet ♪

♪ Since I'm all on fire ♪

♪ Send the rescue squad ♪

♪ But no vampires ♪

♪ Or Draculas ♪

(upbeat funk music)

- I say print all that.

What the--?

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

(boss pounding)

- What's wrong with you, Jack?

(boss pounding)

- You are all fired!

(boss pounding)

(silly music)

All right, come on!

There.

Well, shoot, you idiot!

There!

- What are you up to now, Tovaritch?

You got a new job?

Huh?

You know how to use that thing?

- [Alfred] The boss said to shoot it.

This is no time to contradict him.

- [Boris] But what's happening?

- There's no more future in horror films.

He said we've got to convert to a new style.

- What style?

- That.

(silly music)

- That's what the cinema's wave of the future is?

- Right.

- Well then, that means I can go back to my old job.

- What makes you say that?

- Think of the thousands of square feet of skin

that will need makeup artists.

It's fantastic.

Fantastic!

Oh, fantastic.

(silly music)

- [MacGregor] Abélard.

(birds chirping)

- Is that was you call "romance"?

- Oh, no.

No.

We are leaving.

- We're leaving?

- We must.

- Yes.

- Abélard,

you know what you have to do.

- Uh, uh, uh...

Héloïse.

- Abélard.

I know.

(fire whooshing)

And then time will suspend its flight.

- Yes, Héloïse.

- How will we do it, MacGregor?

- Oh, it's very simple, my love.

For time to suspend its flight, space must take wings.

- Can you do that?

- You know I can do anything.

- Will you court me?

- Oh, yes.

Yes, I will.

And perhaps I'll even--

(Héloïse shushing)

- Don't say it, not yet.

Then I will remake the Earth for you

and make it the way you want it to be.

- And do you know how to do that?

- I don't know anything but I'd do that for you.

Only the moon will be left, you know?

Very bright and us and the trees.

- How wonderful.

- We will have to sweep everything clean.

- Wouldn't you rather we just went somewhere else?

- No, we're staying.

We're just going to clean house, that's all.

Sweep away everything that's ugly, everything that's noisy.

No more noise.

Only the sound of the wind.

Can we do that? (ground rumbling)

- Listen.

- The earth is trembling.

- Mm-hmm.

- It's Abélard, isn't it?

- Of course.

Come.

(fire whooshing)

(earth rumbling)

(ominous music)

(suspenseful music)

(Boris and Alfred laughing)

(Maddie and Marie laughing)

- [Marie] Dracula.

(pleasant piano music)

(pleasant instrumental music)

(pleasant instrumental music)