All language subtitles for what.we.do.in.the.shadows.s01e04.1080p.web.h264-memento

(mournful music playing)

Uh, the TA was asking about you
in the chem section.

I said you were feeling a bit
under the weather.

So I got you some,
um, oh, what...?

(stammering):
Oscillio...

Osclio...

Oc-Occlio.

-Oak-Oaknium.
-(flies buzzing)

Occlioscosnium.

(muttering)

(stammers)

Oscillococcinum, that's...

that's the correct
pronunciation, there.

Or... (mutters)

Take one of those.

Oh, my God.

Siri, call 911.

-SIRI: I'm not sure I got
that, can you... -Siri.

She was fine last night.

And then, this morning,

she asked me to go
get her some Nyquil.

And I said, "Nyquil?
Don't you mean Dayquil?

Because then you're gonna
fall asleep."

She said,
"I want to sleep all day."

And then, and then
I ended up getting some

-oles, olescoleum.
-Do you have a dorm advisor

-or someone who can...
-(gasps)

What the fuck?!

I thought you said she was dead!

Her vitals were at zero,
I checked them three times.

Oh, my... I-I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, um...

you should bill me because I'm
still on my parents' insurance.

-Uh, ma'am, you were dead.
-I'm fine now, so...

-(thunder rumbles)
-I'm fine. (laughs weakly)

FEMALE PARAMEDIC: I still think
you should come

-to the hospital, ma'am.
-Oh, no, no.

I'm fine.

MALE PARAMEDIC:
Ma'am, you are not fine.

("You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing)

♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪

♪ They have no use
for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪

♪ ♪

GUILLERMO:
Was I disappointed

I wasn't turned into a vampire?

Yes. (chuckles)

Heartbroken.

But I think it's because...

I need to learn patience.

(sighs)

And my master's been
really good to me lately.

How is it looking, Guillermo?

(Guillermo giggles)

It looks like
I'm flying, Master.

NANDOR:
Woo-hoo.

Woo-hoo!

I'm a vampire! (laughs)

You are not, though.

LASZLO:
We have total dominion

from here... to here.

-So that's two streets.
-Our street and Ashley's street.

Yes. I lied a bit.

Actually, it's from
there to there.

So we have dominion
over five houses?

We need to reach out
to some other vampires.

Consider joining
dominions to secure

our stranglehold
over the region.

-Yes.
-Yes.

Simon the Devious is a vampire
we have known for centuries.

Our coffins were all together
on the ship

that brought us over to America.

We used to hide down in the hole
and whisper jokes to each other.

Crawl around, tickle each other,
have a lovely time.

And then we would climb up
to the top deck and just

breathe in the sea air
and seduce and kill sailors.

We went to Staten Island,
he went to Mana-hatta.

And he very quickly became

the king
of the Manhattan vampires.

And he was only 107, which...

You know, real boy wonder.
Very clever.

He's not that clever.

Okay, who's cleverer, then?

-Stavros the Clever.
-(laughs)

He died tripping on his cape

at the wooden stake sale
at the garden center.

Simon's HQ is this
fantastic nightclub

called the Sassy Cat Club
in Mana-hatta.

We used to go
all the time in the '20s.

And we would do the Charleston

and the Peabody, and we'd drink
some very nice blood

from some very nice goblets.

LASZLO: You have to
wear a cape in there.

Yes. Everyone is in a cape.

And if you don't wear a cape,

you'll look like a
Fuck Me Knee-trembler.

Laszlo!
He's right, though.

If you don't, you'd look like
a right little tart.

How's this for the city?

Oh, yes.

You look like a beautiful
piece of wallpaper.

It needs a cape.

Hmm? Really?

Yeah. The bigger the better.

(sighs) Run.

NANDOR: We're going
into the city tonight.

We're going to party and dance

and form a power alliance
with the Manhattan vampires

so that we can crush the humans.

No offense.

I found it.

Thoughts?

Looks like it's alive.

Good eye.

It's 100% witch skin.

Simon was always very jealous
of this hat.

I can't wait to see
his face when I walk in.

Please don't wear that hat.

-Too stylish?
-No.

It's a big,
bloody stupid hat with

a big, bloody stupid
curse on it.

And every time you wear it,

something bloody
stupid terrible happens.

-Nonsense. Gizmo likes it, don't you?
-It's Guillermo.

NADJA:
Laszlo's stupid hat.

It's got a bloody huge
curse on it.

I have tried to throw it out
many times,

but it keeps crawling back.
Literally.

I acquired this hat

while draining the blood
of a Bavarian Hexenbrenner,

or witch burner.

He must've noticed me eyeing it,

'cause in his dying breath,

he said, "Take my hat, it's

(groaning):
cuh..."

"Yes, it is cool," I thought.

Free hat.

Even better.

Think of all the things
that have happened.

The potato famine,
that time that that horse

knocked you over
and trampled over you.

-No, it didn't. -Then it
started making love to you?

I don't consider that a curse.

-It's growing human hair.
-Exactly.

My new familiar, he likes it.
Don't you, Dustin?

-JUSTIN: It's Justin.
-Yes, have a touch.

That was our new familiar.

Adieu.

It's that bloody cursed hat,
Laszlo!

It's got nothing to do with
the hat. It's the bookshelf.

Which I charged you to fix.

(coughs, grunts)

LASZLO:
This hat is not cursed.

Oh, hey.

Uh, I-I overheard that you might
be going to Manhattan.

-I-I'd love to tag along.
-(hisses)

NANDOR: Ooh. Look at
the skyline, Guillermo.

GUILLERMO:
Yes, Master.

Steady, Guillermo.

It's a bit shaky.

I don't want water on my cape.

I'll have a soggy cape.

Why are we stuck
in bloody traffic, Laszlo?

-I don't know.
-Cursed hat.

That man on the sidewalk
looks a bit sad. Curse.

Why does this car smell bad?
It's the curse.

Look, you can say that
all night.

I'm gonna be wearing this hat.

NANDOR: I am a bit nervous
about seeing Simon.

In the old days,
it would not have been my style

to make an alliance.

I would have slaughtered
my neighbors in battle.

But then you wake up
and you think,

"I've got no neighbors."

(soft note plays)

What if I want
to borrow something?

I'm ready to make a change.

My old boar.

Barry.

He's always smiling.

Ready to make a friend.

NANDOR:
I'll do the talking.

I invite you in.

NANDOR:
Oh, it's so dingy.

COLIN:
Everyone looks like Billy Idol.

It's a sexy Marmaduke.

This is lively.

We are the only ones
wearing capes.

Shall we look
for Simon the Devious?

Let's mingle
until the others get here.

Mingling...

mingling.

Mingling with you.

-Hi. -I-I'm gonna go
look for the bathroom.

Oh, Guillermo.
Be careful you don't get...

pfft... (groans)

-Why don't you go and mingle?
-Oh, I don't think so.

Uh, my stomach's feeling
a little iffy.

Gas.

Uh, I think I'll just
stick with you tonight.

Okay.

-Laszlo, what is taking so long?
-LASZLO: I say, cabbie.

I've got my cape
caught in the door.

-Well, yank it out.
-What the hell

do you think I've been doing?

(grunts) Fuck...!

You're fucking kidding...

(grunts)

You stay there.

I'll come to you.

-Oh, for fuck's sake!
-Oh, that bloody hat.

Whoa! Fuck me.

Fu...

(club music pounding)

(whirring)

MAN:
You haven't tried that?

It's like, one,
then two, then three.

And then you get
where we are now.

-But it's...
-(door shuts)

Yeah.

-Hey.
-Hey.

Colby.

Familiar of Xanthos the Cruel
and Radenka the Brutal.

-Ah.
-This is the familiar room.

Yep.

Amalta, Mischa, Jameson.

-Sam.
-O-Oh, Sam is a...

Sam's a familiar.

Sam's a cat.

Guillermo, hi.

Nandor the Relentless,
so, nice to meet you.

Wait, Nandor the Relentless
of the Upper West Side?

No, that's, uh,
Nancy the Relentless.

People think...
W-We're Staten Island.

Cool.

NANDOR:
So you know, we have our street

and also Ashley's street.

You know, we've just, uh,
been busy over in Staten Island.

-We're going to form an alliance.
-(laughs) So tell me.

Are you currently adjoined
to any other vampires?

Uh, n-no. No, I...

COLIN:
Hey, hey.

Do either of you two know

what this building used to be?

This building used to be owned

by Hescher-Schmitz Farrier.

A farrier deals
with equine foot care.

Kind of a Nike for horses.

Yes, everyone knows that.
Listen, Colin.

Why must you come here
and interrupt me

-when I am talking to...
-Who are you talking to, Nandor?

It...

What did...?

-Fuck has happened in here?
-Oh, my...

This is a travesty.

What took you so long?

His fucking stupid hat.

Why aren't they wearing capes?

Looks like anyone can be
a vampire in Mana-hatta.

Look at him.

Sod this, I'm gonna get a drink.

So how long have you
been a familiar?

You don't look very familiar.

Ah. (laughs)

I see what you did
there, but, uh, ten years.

-Ten years? A decade.
-Yeah.

It's considered being
an expert to some people.

-All right.
-Where can we use the bathroom?

I'm here for the bathroom.

-You're standing in it.
-Oh, is that what that is?

Oh, the buckets.
(chuckles)

They gave them to us when they
thought we were going

to unionize... do you not read
the newsletter?

There's a newsletter?

-There is a newsletter.
-I can give you my e-mail.

CHILD VAMPIRES:
Colby, it's time to leave.

-Oh, those are your...
-Yeah, I'm their,

I'm their familiar.
They're like, 400 years old

but I have to play their parent,
I'm their "Dad"

-so no one gets suspicious.
-VAMPIRES: Now, Colby.

-Y-You better go.
-(Colby clears his throat)

(low voice):
Let's go, kids.

Daddy's coming. Let's go.

-(liquid running on metal)
-Oh.

Excuse me, Sam.

All right, Big Vlad,
light me up.

-CROWD (chanting): Simon! Simon!
-(laughs)

This is insane.
Who would do this?

Are you ready for this?

Abbadon, watch,
are you watching?

Oh, boy,
we are having fun tonight.

-(laughs)
-(cheering)

Don't look so scared.

Understandably,
life is filled with mysteries.

And for our next mystery...

-Simon!
-Nadja?

-(man grunts)
-(laughs)

Nadja!

What a sight for sore eyes.

-I haven't seen you in ages.
-Simon.

Look at you.

Don't you look wonderful?

Fucking blood-le service?

I wanted this five minutes ago.

I'm talking to Nadja now.

Please, please.

So, what are you up to?

Well, I'm, uh, uh, living in,
on the Staten Island.

-Aha. -And things are going
very, very, very good.

-Good? Good.
-Very good. Yes.

Oh, I'm so happy to hear that,
'cause I worry about you.

-Aww... -Come, come, come,
come, come, come, come.

You know, I worry about you
because I hear all these stories

about all these vampires,
and they slowly spiral out

and then they get stuck
in this real complacency.

And eventually,
they just fade away.

-But not you.
-No way.

You're, you're in Staten Island.

-Well, yes.
-And Laszlo and Nandor?

Have you spoken
to them recently?

Uh, well, actually,
they're somewhere here.

No!

-Yes.
-Impossible!

Well, we should
all have a drink.

I would love to catch up
with those two rascals.

Ah, there you are.

Had my eye on you all night,
little one.

-Oh, I-I, I'm just, uh... -Yeah,
whatever it is you're "just,"

you just found it right here.
Sweet release from life.

-Uh, I like life. And I'm just, uh...
-NANDOR: Guillermo.

Oh.

Something I can
help you with, friend?

Uh, well, not really, but...

Oh, were you gonna...
(growls)

-No, no, no. No. -'Cause I
was thinking... (growls)

-Okay. Well, okay.
-Yeah?

-I'd prefer it if you didn't.
-Why?

He's kind of my familiar.

-How could I know? (chuckles)
-No, I...

No, honest mistake.
Y-You don't have to apologize.

I will. I must apologize,
I'm so sorry.

No, look, if you really had
your heart set on it,

-don't let me stand in your way. -That...
no, no, no, this is my discourtesy,

-and I feel bad.
-I mean, I'm okay with it if...

-I mean, you can if you like.
-No. No. No. I do apologize.

-Cheers. Okay? Rock and roll.
-Yes.

Wow!

No, I wasn't going
to let him eat you.

Guillermo!

Simon The Devious will see you.

Okay. Great. Uh,

-your hat is bleeding.
-I know.

You must kill someone
in the Hamptons. It's just...

Laszlo! Nandor?

Aren't you a sight
for sore eyes?

NANDOR: Pleasure to
see you again, Simon.

SIMON: And look at you. Nadja
said you're doing well.

And now I see you in your capes,

and I think "Well, you haven't
lost your senses of humor."

-You're married?
-LASZLO and NADJA: Yes.

SIMON: Well, your behavior
with me did not preclude you

-to be married.
-LASZLO: Oh, no, no, no, no.

I had forgotten because of her
physical behavior with me.

Oh, when was the last time
we were all together?

The bicentennial, 1976.

Yes, you told that joke
about that group of sailors.

Yes. Uh, "It's like a virtual
smorgasbord of seamen"?

(laughter)

That's it.

But I haven't even introduced
you to my crew,

the Leather Skins.

Of course,
that's Big Vlad behind you.

Abbadon, Empusa.

We've got the Freak sisters
over there,

they're two sisters
and they are not related.

That's Little Vlad.

The guy's a fucking maniac.

We've got Mister 50s.

We've got S, and that's because
her name is Sarah.

We've got Evil Steve.

Freakfest Tony. Ah!

There he is,
Blavglad the Exsanguinator.

And, of course, The Silent One.

(quietly):
Hey.

SIMON:
We keep going over there,

we've got Asian Mike.
And that's Chunt.

Jane the Soulless, Elgrad the
Fifth, Horvok the Pit Master.

Gonthrapal
and his brother Krylsac.

It's Wesley Sykes.

-Desdemona the Shrieker.
-(shrieks)

Yes.

There's Len, my accountant.

And of course, Count Rapula.

♪ 300 years livin'
in New York, son ♪

♪ I didn't start rhyming
till 1991. ♪

SIMON:
Yes, he just started rapping

in 1991.

Yes, well, um, this is our crew.

There's Nandor.
My good lady-wife Nadja,

who you clearly know.
And my good self.

-We like to keep things slim.
-COLIN: Hi, everyone.

I'm, I'm-I'm also with them.

-SIMON: Who is he?
-No one.

COLIN:
I'm with them.

Now, we've all known each other
long enough

to know that this is not
a mere social visit.

You are not wrong.

Um, you may have heard that, uh,

we have the Baron
visiting with us.

The Baron came to visit you
in Staten Island?

NADJA: Yes. We were thinking,
as we have dominion

-over Staten Island...
-Uh-huh.

...and you, Simon, you control
a lot of Manhattan, well...

-I do.
-LASZLO: Yes, uh,

I mean, there's talk we could
possibly join forces,

take the lion's share
of New York City.

Uh, which also includes our
street and also Ashley Street.

So, I would bring Manhattan
to the table,

and you would bring...

-Our street and... -NADJA
and NANDOR: Ashley Street.

-SIMON ...and Ashley Street.
-Correct. -Yes.

Well, that sounds
very interesting.

-Oh, ooh.
-So I guess I would begin

the negotiation by...
you giving me that hat.

Oh, I fucking knew
this would happen.

-Absolutely not.
-NADJA: Laszlo.

Simon, you don't want the hat.
It's not a good hat.

-No... -Give him the hat. -No.

SIMON: I watched you
walk around that ship

always wearing that hat
and thinking,

"This vampire doesn't deserve
this hat. I deserve that hat."

Well, I'll tell you something,
if you want this hat,

you'll have to cut my head off.

-Laszlo.
-That's fine.

Big Vlad, right behind you,
has a machete.

He could take it, or perhaps
we could get The Silent One,

or Little Vlad,
he's a fucking maniac.

And if we could hit Mister 50s,
maybe he could help,

-or the Exsanguinator himself.
-(hissing)

Or, let's see,
fucking everybody here.

All right, all right, you've
made your point. Get off me.

Take the fucking hat.

Ah, thank you. Mm.

What is it that's
sort of puckering

and sucking
at the back of my head?

BOTH:
It's witch's asshole.

Oh, yes.

Well, now that I've got the hat,

-I can say, um, get them out of here.
-What?

-What?
-You can get the fuck out!

Get out of my club!

-(groans)
-I summoned you here

to get your hat, and now it is
time for you to leave.

(beatboxing)

♪ Hey, yo, it's time to go ♪

♪ So hit the exit,
my rhyme flow's so sick ♪

-♪ It's on some next shit... ♪
-Yeah!

-Humiliating. -SIMON: Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.

By the way, we don't
validate parking.

Not that you have a car,

-because you are failures of
vampires -Lazlo, don't...

in your pathetic, lame capes.

This hat... it makes me feel
like Robin Hood.

Big Vlad, my bow.

-Touch the sky.
-Touch the sky.

He's a big silly dickhead.

I don't remember him
being so devious.

I mean, he is called
Simon The Devious.

-Shit!
-Shit! Oh, shit!

Fucking hell.
Darling?

-Yes? -I think my hat's
probably cursed.

Bat!

Oh...

Guillermo.

(mouths)

Guillermo?

You're still angry
about that vampire

who tried to eat you,
aren't you?

-Yes.
-Don't deny it. I can tell.

-I said yes.
-See, I knew it.

Guillermo...

I'm sorry for
how I treated you tonight.

I appreciate you.

I really do.

Well, you have a funny way
of showing it sometimes.

Thank you.
But...

I'm going to
make it up to you tonight.

GUILLERMO:
This is amazing, Master.

Enjoy it, Guillermo.
You're really flying.

This is the best night
of my life!

Oh, that's quite sad,
but also quite beautiful.

-I feel like a real vampire.
-Don't push it.

-What's that over there?
-Where?

The Empire State Building,
I think.

Is that it right there?

-What, over there?
-(screaming)

Oops.

-(crash)
-Shit.

-(groaning)
-NANDOR: Shh, Guillermo.

-Don't trouble yourself.
-(monitor beeping steadily)

He was fortunate.

A thicket of trees tangled him
up, and then he landed

on the roof
of an abandoned food truck.

I want you to know

that you are my...

friend.

-Hmm... -Ugh, no, that
didn't feel right.

You will forget I said anything.

Shall we?

Hold your Horlicks...
that's my bloody hat.

Is that you in there, Simon?

Well, I'm gonna take my hat
back, you crispy piece of shit.

(monitor flatlines)

-(monitor beeping steadily)
-(Guillermo whimpers)

(monitor flatlines)

-(monitor beeping steadily)
-(Guillermo moaning)

Eh.

♪ I like to think when
I'm looking out the window ♪

♪ Step back and maybe look
at the sunrise ♪

-♪ So remember me ♪
-♪ Oh ♪

-♪ Another moment that
will never be ♪ -♪ Oh ♪

♪ And take the time
to make some sense ♪

♪ And think about
the consequence ♪

♪ When I'm looking at you,
when you're looking at me ♪

♪ Wonder what it would be,
wonder what it could be ♪

♪ I like to think when
I'm looking out the window ♪

♪ Like to think when I'm
looking out the window ♪

♪ Window, window, oh ♪

♪ Window, window. ♪

Captioned by Media Access
Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org