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1
00:00:09,661 --> 00:00:12,621
It's crazy times, guys,
crazy times.
2
00:00:12,664 --> 00:00:14,275
So one side is saying,
3
00:00:14,318 --> 00:00:17,278
"Hey, people are killing
each other with machine guns.
4
00:00:17,321 --> 00:00:20,846
"Maybe normal civilians
shouldn't have machine guns,
5
00:00:20,890 --> 00:00:24,720
and only soldiers who are
in an active ground war."
6
00:00:24,763 --> 00:00:26,678
And then the other side
is saying,
7
00:00:26,722 --> 00:00:28,091
"Well, you can't
take away machine guns
8
00:00:28,115 --> 00:00:29,986
"because of
the Second Amendment.
9
00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:32,554
"The Second Amendment,
you can't regulate guns
10
00:00:32,597 --> 00:00:34,556
because of
the Second Amendment."
11
00:00:34,599 --> 00:00:37,559
So, to be clear,
your argument is
12
00:00:37,602 --> 00:00:40,475
that guns should have
no regulations on them
13
00:00:40,518 --> 00:00:42,129
because of the Second Amendment,
14
00:00:42,172 --> 00:00:44,740
which literally starts
with the words,
15
00:00:44,783 --> 00:00:48,352
"A well regulated."
16
00:00:48,396 --> 00:00:50,006
That's literally how it starts!
17
00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:53,531
And the whole amendment
has 27 words,
18
00:00:53,575 --> 00:00:57,013
and three of them
are "a," "well,"
19
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,363
and "regulated."
20
00:00:59,407 --> 00:01:02,062
That's 11.1%, folks.
21
00:01:03,585 --> 00:01:04,542
You know?
22
00:01:04,586 --> 00:01:05,978
I know what this guy's thinking.
23
00:01:06,022 --> 00:01:08,720
This guy's like, "But, Samir",
24
00:01:08,764 --> 00:01:10,418
11.1% isn't that much."
25
00:01:10,461 --> 00:01:12,985
But imagine you're on a plane,
26
00:01:13,029 --> 00:01:15,249
and halfway through your
journey, the pilot comes on
27
00:01:15,292 --> 00:01:16,859
and he's like, "Hey, folks."
28
00:01:16,902 --> 00:01:18,600
"Classic good news, bad news."
29
00:01:18,643 --> 00:01:20,863
"Good news, we'll be getting you"
30
00:01:20,906 --> 00:01:23,213
89% of the way there.
31
00:01:23,257 --> 00:01:25,041
Bad news, that puts us
32
00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:27,391
at the bottom
of the Atlantic Ocean.
33
00:01:38,620 --> 00:01:42,145
All right.
That's my time. Thank you.
34
00:01:48,151 --> 00:01:50,327
Hey, Al.
Something cheap and brown.
35
00:01:50,371 --> 00:01:51,502
No ice.
36
00:01:56,681 --> 00:01:58,248
Looking good, Tiff.
37
00:01:58,292 --> 00:02:00,294
Special occasion?
Come on.Perfect. Thank you.
38
00:02:00,337 --> 00:02:01,817
Leave me alone.
39
00:02:01,860 --> 00:02:03,732
Let me try
some new stuff on you.
40
00:02:03,775 --> 00:02:06,778
Hey, why do they call me
the gravedigger?
41
00:02:06,822 --> 00:02:08,662
'Cause I'd like to
bury my face in those boobs.
42
00:02:08,693 --> 00:02:11,218
Okay. Okay.
43
00:02:11,261 --> 00:02:13,785
Okay, here's some advice
if you want some
44
00:02:13,829 --> 00:02:15,918
Maybe you should try
putting some jokesin there.
45
00:02:15,961 --> 00:02:18,486
Yeah, well, I don't want to do
jokes about cats versus dogs,
46
00:02:18,529 --> 00:02:19,878
and New York versus L.A.,
47
00:02:19,922 --> 00:02:22,098
and airline food, and
ethnic stereotypes, okay?
48
00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:24,100
Didi? If you don't
make people think,
49
00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:26,058
your comedy's never
going to matter.
50
00:02:26,102 --> 00:02:27,886
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.
51
00:02:27,930 --> 00:02:29,932
People likemy act, okay?
52
00:02:29,975 --> 00:02:32,761
I have 59,000 followers.-
53
00:02:32,804 --> 00:02:34,806
So I should be
more like Joe Donner
54
00:02:34,850 --> 00:02:36,480
and murder some people? MAN Come on, what?
55
00:02:36,504 --> 00:02:39,463
Come on, you and me
and a bottle of beer. WOMAN No, thanks.
56
00:02:39,507 --> 00:02:40,812
Come on, baby.
57
00:02:40,856 --> 00:02:42,466
Come on, he didn't.
58
00:02:42,510 --> 00:02:44,251
He didn't.
59
00:02:44,294 --> 00:02:47,776
What?
60
00:02:47,819 --> 00:02:50,648
The legal system ruled
it wasn't murder.
61
00:02:50,692 --> 00:02:52,128
Yeah, they fucked that up.
62
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:53,216
But you know what?
63
00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:55,479
That is exactly
your problem, Samir.
64
00:02:55,523 --> 00:02:56,654
Funny is funny.
65
00:02:56,698 --> 00:02:57,742
And that dude...
66
00:02:57,786 --> 00:03:00,223
Not you, but that dude...
67
00:03:00,267 --> 00:03:01,267
Is funny.
68
00:03:03,270 --> 00:03:04,227
Okay?
69
00:03:04,271 --> 00:03:06,011
No, that's...
70
00:03:06,925 --> 00:03:08,144
Okay. Well, good talk.
71
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:09,798
Hey, could you put
that all in an e-mail
72
00:03:09,841 --> 00:03:11,191
and, send it to the ocean?
73
00:03:11,234 --> 00:03:13,541
Yeah, sure.
Hey, could you suck my vagina?
74
00:03:15,847 --> 00:03:18,285
What matters is not followers.
75
00:03:18,328 --> 00:03:20,678
What matters is adjusted... Gross income.
76
00:03:20,722 --> 00:03:23,725
Yeah, we all know
that JC Wheel...
77
00:03:23,768 --> 00:03:26,380
JC Wheeler.
78
00:03:26,423 --> 00:03:29,426
In the fleshy flesh.
79
00:03:29,470 --> 00:03:30,601
Man, I...
80
00:03:30,645 --> 00:03:31,994
Hey, can... hey,
81
00:03:32,037 --> 00:03:34,997
I am such a fan of yours.
82
00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:37,478
I mean, I know everyone's a fan
of yours, but I'm the...
83
00:03:37,521 --> 00:03:39,610
Thank you. How's your day?
84
00:03:39,654 --> 00:03:41,177
What've you been doing?
85
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:44,267
Man. You were everywhere
and then you just disappeared.
86
00:03:44,311 --> 00:03:46,313
You had it all. What happened?
87
00:03:46,356 --> 00:03:49,054
I had it all.
88
00:03:50,621 --> 00:03:53,058
Hey, I saw your set. You did?
89
00:03:53,102 --> 00:03:56,192
Man... feel free to
tell me to go fuck myself,
90
00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:57,976
but if you have any notes for me
91
00:03:58,020 --> 00:03:59,630
or anything,
I'll give you anything.
92
00:03:59,674 --> 00:04:01,023
I'll give you my dog.
93
00:04:01,066 --> 00:04:03,286
Well, it's not my dog.
It's my girlfriend's dog.
94
00:04:03,330 --> 00:04:04,698
But we've been dating
since high school,
95
00:04:04,722 --> 00:04:06,028
so it's basically my dog.
96
00:04:06,071 --> 00:04:07,464
My dog, her dog. Dog's a dog.
97
00:04:07,508 --> 00:04:08,683
Your dog if you want it.
98
00:04:08,726 --> 00:04:10,946
See, all this shit is funny.
99
00:04:10,989 --> 00:04:13,209
Funnier than the Second
Amendment, I'll tell you that.
100
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,864
Well, obviously, it's not
the amendment that's funny.
101
00:04:15,907 --> 00:04:17,431
What I find funny
is the fraudulent...
102
00:04:17,474 --> 00:04:18,562
Next.
103
00:04:18,606 --> 00:04:19,563
What?
104
00:04:19,607 --> 00:04:21,696
Next topic.
105
00:04:21,739 --> 00:04:24,133
That's funny.
106
00:04:24,176 --> 00:04:25,700
But seriously,
if you have any notes
107
00:04:25,743 --> 00:04:26,701
for me, you know...
108
00:04:26,744 --> 00:04:28,398
You want notes? Yeah.
109
00:04:28,442 --> 00:04:29,921
Fuck politics.
110
00:04:31,445 --> 00:04:33,751
The audience don't care
about what you think.
111
00:04:33,795 --> 00:04:35,449
They care about you.
112
00:04:35,492 --> 00:04:36,580
Right.
113
00:04:36,624 --> 00:04:38,016
Yeah, I know everyone says
114
00:04:38,060 --> 00:04:39,409
be personal, truth in comedy,
115
00:04:39,453 --> 00:04:42,107
but don't you think
that's a bit of a cop-out?
116
00:04:42,151 --> 00:04:44,545
The audience doesn't want
to hear you make points.
117
00:04:44,588 --> 00:04:46,242
You dating a high school girl?
118
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:48,157
Now that'sinteresting.
119
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:49,743
I'm not dating a
high school girl. We...
120
00:04:49,767 --> 00:04:52,074
Now that's comedy.
121
00:04:52,117 --> 00:04:54,381
Right, but isn't that
gross and exhibitionistic?
122
00:04:54,424 --> 00:04:56,644
Isn't the whole point
to provide insight
123
00:04:56,687 --> 00:04:58,298
into the human condition?
124
00:04:58,341 --> 00:05:00,300
Provide insight.
125
00:05:01,866 --> 00:05:03,738
What do you want?
126
00:05:03,781 --> 00:05:05,392
Are you happy with your life?
127
00:05:05,435 --> 00:05:06,567
With your career?
128
00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:08,786
Don't you want it all?
129
00:05:12,355 --> 00:05:14,183
Yes. More than anything.
130
00:05:16,272 --> 00:05:18,492
You have one thing.
131
00:05:18,535 --> 00:05:20,276
One natural resource.
132
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:23,584
You are a country
with one export.
133
00:05:23,627 --> 00:05:26,326
And you are the export.
134
00:05:26,369 --> 00:05:28,545
I'll tell you a secret.
135
00:05:28,589 --> 00:05:32,810
Put yourself out there
and you willget laughs.
136
00:05:32,854 --> 00:05:35,596
You willbe successful.
137
00:05:35,639 --> 00:05:39,077
Are you sure...
that's what you want?
138
00:05:40,165 --> 00:05:41,689
Yes.
139
00:05:41,732 --> 00:05:43,560
Now you have to be sure
to be sure.
140
00:05:43,604 --> 00:05:45,388
'Cause once you put it
out there...
141
00:05:45,432 --> 00:05:48,783
the audience will take it in.
They will connect.
142
00:05:48,826 --> 00:05:52,308
And once they connect to it...
143
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:53,440
it's theirs.
144
00:05:53,483 --> 00:05:56,138
And once it's theirs...
145
00:05:56,181 --> 00:05:59,315
that shit is gone forever.
146
00:06:01,186 --> 00:06:05,321
Listen, my life is okay.
It's fine.
147
00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:08,019
But you don't choose comedy
because you want a fine life,
148
00:06:08,063 --> 00:06:12,023
you choose comedy
because you want it all.
149
00:06:17,594 --> 00:06:19,030
Well, okay, then.
150
00:06:27,691 --> 00:06:29,911
Right? Right?
151
00:06:29,954 --> 00:06:33,915
And let me tell you,
your next guest
152
00:06:33,958 --> 00:06:35,395
needs no introduction.
153
00:06:35,438 --> 00:06:36,526
I'm Joe Donner.
154
00:06:36,570 --> 00:06:38,572
And you're a bunch
of fucking idiots!
155
00:06:54,762 --> 00:06:58,505
Hi, everybody. Hi.
156
00:06:58,548 --> 00:07:01,899
So, the Second Amendment,
which people use to justify
157
00:07:01,943 --> 00:07:04,032
having their,
158
00:07:04,075 --> 00:07:06,469
having no regulations
on guns, um,
159
00:07:06,513 --> 00:07:11,082
actually begins with the
words, "A well regulated."
160
00:07:13,215 --> 00:07:15,957
11.1 perc... percent
of the whole thing.
161
00:07:22,093 --> 00:07:24,487
I wish you could all see
your own faces right now.
162
00:07:24,531 --> 00:07:27,011
You have the exact expression
that my dog has
163
00:07:27,055 --> 00:07:28,535
when she's taking a shit.
164
00:07:33,104 --> 00:07:34,976
Like, "Don't look at me."
165
00:07:35,019 --> 00:07:37,587
"Why are you here
watching this?"
166
00:07:37,631 --> 00:07:40,982
"There has to be a better way
to do this."
167
00:07:44,551 --> 00:07:47,554
Okay. Okay, you want
to talk about this?
168
00:07:47,597 --> 00:07:49,033
Okay, I-I love my dog.
169
00:07:49,077 --> 00:07:52,254
The other day,
she peed on my pizza.
170
00:07:53,777 --> 00:07:55,083
But that's my fault.
171
00:07:55,126 --> 00:07:56,824
I shouldn't have yelled at her
172
00:07:56,867 --> 00:07:58,739
while she was standing
on my pizza.
173
00:08:04,005 --> 00:08:05,789
But I... She's cool.
174
00:08:05,833 --> 00:08:07,835
Um, her name is Cat.
175
00:08:09,576 --> 00:08:11,665
Which I know soundslike
a stupid name for a dog,
176
00:08:11,708 --> 00:08:15,582
but that's only because it is
a stupid name for a dog.
177
00:08:17,192 --> 00:08:20,021
It's even stupider
when you realize
178
00:08:20,064 --> 00:08:22,763
it's actually short
for Cat-erpillar.
179
00:09:01,845 --> 00:09:04,674
Cat.
180
00:09:04,718 --> 00:09:07,895
Cat. Come here, baby.
181
00:09:07,938 --> 00:09:12,203
Cat. Cat.
182
00:09:13,378 --> 00:09:15,555
Cat?
183
00:09:26,696 --> 00:09:28,219
Hey, Rena?
184
00:09:28,263 --> 00:09:29,612
I really killed tonight.
185
00:09:29,656 --> 00:09:34,008
It's my best set ever..
186
00:09:34,051 --> 00:09:35,313
That's great.
187
00:09:35,357 --> 00:09:37,838
They were laughing at
stuff I was saying,
188
00:09:37,881 --> 00:09:39,274
at the punch lines.
189
00:09:39,317 --> 00:09:41,842
And at the end, they
cheered so hard, I was like,
190
00:09:41,885 --> 00:09:43,670
"What's that?" and I was like,"
191
00:09:43,713 --> 00:09:45,410
that's for me."
192
00:09:45,454 --> 00:09:47,587
I've never felt
anything like it.
193
00:09:48,979 --> 00:09:51,591
Hey, where's Cat?
194
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:56,030
No, you just sleep.
I'm gonna go walk the dog,
195
00:09:56,073 --> 00:09:57,205
but I can't find her.
196
00:09:57,248 --> 00:10:00,338
I thought you said "dog."
197
00:10:00,382 --> 00:10:03,646
Yeah. Cat. Where's Cat?
198
00:10:03,690 --> 00:10:06,301
My God, you didn't
leave the door open, did you?
199
00:10:07,737 --> 00:10:09,913
Or the window?
200
00:10:09,957 --> 00:10:12,437
I don't know what this game is,
Samir, but I'm trying to sleep.
201
00:10:12,481 --> 00:10:15,397
Our dog, Rena. Where's our dog?
202
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:16,528
What?
203
00:10:16,572 --> 00:10:19,706
We don't have a dog
or a cat, Samir.
204
00:10:19,749 --> 00:10:21,708
You're so annoying.
205
00:10:34,242 --> 00:10:38,725
Samir Wassan is an artist
of great principle.
206
00:10:38,768 --> 00:10:41,728
A man who refuses
to compromise his beliefs
207
00:10:41,771 --> 00:10:43,773
for a cheap joke.
208
00:10:43,817 --> 00:10:47,081
But tonight, he felt
the rush of the limelight
209
00:10:47,124 --> 00:10:49,431
for the first time.
210
00:10:49,474 --> 00:10:51,563
Now, he'll have to decide
211
00:10:51,607 --> 00:10:55,567
what really matters to him
when the laughter stops.
212
00:10:55,611 --> 00:10:59,789
And how much he's willing
to give... to The Twilight Zone.
213
00:11:03,488 --> 00:11:05,162
You're traveling
through another dimension,
214
00:11:05,186 --> 00:11:08,580
a dimension not only of
sight and sound but of mind.
215
00:11:08,624 --> 00:11:11,758
It is the middle ground
between light and shadow,
216
00:11:11,801 --> 00:11:14,586
between science
and superstition.
217
00:11:14,630 --> 00:11:17,241
And it lies between
the pit of one's fears
218
00:11:17,285 --> 00:11:19,896
and the summit
of one's knowledge.
219
00:11:19,940 --> 00:11:23,073
You are now traveling through
a dimension of imagination.
220
00:11:23,117 --> 00:11:27,338
You've just crossed over
into The Twilight Zone.
221
00:11:34,389 --> 00:11:36,086
What happened to that bus stop?
222
00:11:36,130 --> 00:11:38,480
There's a very bad man
who's another comic here,
223
00:11:38,523 --> 00:11:40,700
he got drunk and drove into it.
People died.
224
00:11:40,743 --> 00:11:42,702
Anyway, could you give me
a hand here?
225
00:11:44,616 --> 00:11:46,227
Is this a part of your act?
226
00:11:46,270 --> 00:11:48,403
No. I had to google
Jack Russell Terriers
227
00:11:48,446 --> 00:11:50,797
because I couldn't find
any pictures of Cat on my phone,
228
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:52,015
which is so strange,
229
00:11:52,059 --> 00:11:53,645
'cause I take pictures of her
all the time.
230
00:11:53,669 --> 00:11:55,845
I don't get it. Who's Cat?
231
00:11:55,889 --> 00:11:57,934
Okay.
232
00:11:57,978 --> 00:11:59,414
Rena put you up to this.
233
00:11:59,457 --> 00:12:01,329
Okay. Okay. What?
234
00:12:01,372 --> 00:12:03,679
What? No. I like
seeing you do stand-up.
235
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:06,160
You know what?
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
236
00:12:06,203 --> 00:12:07,944
You and Rena do
your hilarious prank.
237
00:12:07,988 --> 00:12:09,076
It's very funny.
238
00:12:09,119 --> 00:12:10,642
Very funny.
239
00:12:10,686 --> 00:12:12,209
Come on.
240
00:12:17,084 --> 00:12:19,564
Hey, is JC Wheeler here today?
241
00:12:19,608 --> 00:12:21,436
Yeah, right.
242
00:12:21,479 --> 00:12:23,133
That sign's so funny.
243
00:12:23,177 --> 00:12:24,744
"No apostrophes."
244
00:12:24,787 --> 00:12:28,008
Yeah, you might be
the target audience.
245
00:12:28,051 --> 00:12:29,400
I don't get it.
246
00:12:29,444 --> 00:12:30,793
'Cause the club's called Eddies,
247
00:12:30,837 --> 00:12:33,361
but you'd think that
it would be Eddie's.
248
00:12:33,404 --> 00:12:35,015
But then this sign's
saying that,
249
00:12:35,058 --> 00:12:37,147
no, it isactually Eddie's,
250
00:12:37,191 --> 00:12:40,803
it's just that we don't allow
apostrophes, so now it's Eddies.
251
00:12:40,847 --> 00:12:42,326
That isfunny.
252
00:12:42,370 --> 00:12:43,893
Yeah, it's really clever.
253
00:12:43,937 --> 00:12:46,069
Hey, girls.
254
00:12:46,113 --> 00:12:47,679
What is this? Community service?
255
00:12:47,723 --> 00:12:49,029
This is Deven, my nephew.
256
00:12:49,072 --> 00:12:50,204
He's, staying with me.
257
00:12:50,247 --> 00:12:51,814
Actually, I'm Rena's nephew.
258
00:12:51,858 --> 00:12:53,773
Shit!
259
00:12:53,816 --> 00:12:55,078
He said check your lane.
260
00:12:55,122 --> 00:12:56,558
He did not say
"check your lane."
261
00:12:56,601 --> 00:12:57,994
He said check
your bitch-ass lane.
262
00:12:58,038 --> 00:12:59,866
Don't say the...
Any of the bad words.
263
00:12:59,909 --> 00:13:01,563
He's staying with us.
264
00:13:01,606 --> 00:13:02,956
He's in from out of town.
265
00:13:02,999 --> 00:13:04,305
Hey, handsome.
266
00:13:04,348 --> 00:13:08,526
So, you seen Uncle Samir
do his "comedy" before,
267
00:13:08,570 --> 00:13:11,747
or is this the first time
you've had the "privilege"?
268
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:14,010
I've seen him do it
a couple of times,
269
00:13:14,054 --> 00:13:15,795
but you know, you're
actually kind of
270
00:13:15,838 --> 00:13:17,753
what made me want to be
a stand-up comic.
271
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:19,015
Just like you.
272
00:13:19,059 --> 00:13:20,756
That's so nice.
Thank you for telling me.
273
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,410
Well, I mean,
274
00:13:22,453 --> 00:13:24,716
not justlike you.
I kind of want to be, like...
275
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,850
you know, a goodcomedian?
276
00:13:27,894 --> 00:13:31,245
Shit! Language.
277
00:13:31,288 --> 00:13:33,900
Nephew's funny, dude. All right.
278
00:13:33,943 --> 00:13:35,423
Okay, um, I got to use
the restroom
279
00:13:35,466 --> 00:13:37,077
before I get up on stage.
280
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:39,601
Why don't you just take a shit
on stage like you did last time?
281
00:13:39,644 --> 00:13:46,216
And three of the 27 words are,
"A well regulated."
282
00:13:56,183 --> 00:13:59,447
Geez. You know what?
283
00:13:59,490 --> 00:14:01,144
Maybe I'll pull out
my phone, too.
284
00:14:01,188 --> 00:14:03,494
Maybe we can text, you know?
285
00:14:03,538 --> 00:14:05,192
What's everyone's phone number?
286
00:14:05,235 --> 00:14:07,542
You guys are just like
my nephew.
287
00:14:07,585 --> 00:14:09,109
I can only get through to him
288
00:14:09,152 --> 00:14:12,808
if I text him.
289
00:14:17,073 --> 00:14:18,205
Yeah.
290
00:14:18,248 --> 00:14:20,468
Hey,
291
00:14:20,511 --> 00:14:22,470
asshole.
292
00:14:22,513 --> 00:14:24,428
Get off your phone,
I'm talking about you.
293
00:14:27,692 --> 00:14:30,434
He's ten years old, he's ten,
294
00:14:30,478 --> 00:14:33,829
and he was making fun of my act
earlier tonight.
295
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,265
He was!
296
00:14:35,309 --> 00:14:37,180
He was saying I'm not funny.
297
00:14:37,224 --> 00:14:39,226
He's ten.
298
00:14:39,269 --> 00:14:41,402
Actually,
he's not even my nephew.
299
00:14:41,445 --> 00:14:43,447
I don't know if that
makes it better or worse.
300
00:14:43,491 --> 00:14:45,145
No, it actually makes it worse
301
00:14:45,188 --> 00:14:47,495
'cause if he was my nephew,
at least the family
302
00:14:47,538 --> 00:14:49,018
would be coming out on top,
303
00:14:49,062 --> 00:14:52,761
but this way...
304
00:14:52,804 --> 00:14:56,243
This way, just some random
ten-year-old is dunking on me.
305
00:14:59,550 --> 00:15:02,989
Deven Singh, everyone.
306
00:15:03,032 --> 00:15:05,165
Give it up for Deven Singh.
307
00:15:14,217 --> 00:15:16,567
Congrats, man. That was awesome.
308
00:15:16,611 --> 00:15:19,701
Damn. You brought it.
309
00:15:19,744 --> 00:15:22,095
That was actually a good set.
310
00:15:22,138 --> 00:15:24,488
Thanks to Deven.
Have you seen him, by the way?
311
00:15:24,532 --> 00:15:26,360
I hope I didn't
embarrass him too much.
312
00:15:26,403 --> 00:15:28,362
Okay, who are we
talking about right now?
313
00:15:28,405 --> 00:15:31,931
My nephew, my girlfriend's
nephew. Wants to be a comedian,
314
00:15:31,974 --> 00:15:33,758
but better than me.
315
00:15:33,802 --> 00:15:35,682
I don't know what the hell
you're talking about,
316
00:15:35,717 --> 00:15:37,458
but I think I just hit
317
00:15:37,501 --> 00:15:39,808
my Samir limit.
318
00:15:47,076 --> 00:15:49,905
Hey, did you guys see
a little boy come out here?
319
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:51,559
Did you guys see a little boy,
320
00:15:51,602 --> 00:15:53,430
like, a ten-year-old boy
come out here at all?
321
00:15:53,474 --> 00:15:54,866
Haven't seen him. Sorry.
322
00:15:54,910 --> 00:15:57,260
Hey, did you guys see
a little boy come out here?
323
00:15:57,304 --> 00:16:00,307
Like, a leather jacket, he's Indian?
Sorry, dude.
324
00:16:00,350 --> 00:16:02,352
Deven?
325
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,618
Deven!
326
00:16:09,925 --> 00:16:12,362
Call Deven Singh.
327
00:16:12,406 --> 00:16:14,321
Did you mean Anisha Singh?
328
00:16:14,364 --> 00:16:16,323
Call Deven Singh.
329
00:16:16,366 --> 00:16:17,933
Okay.
330
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:21,067
No, no, no. Call Deven.
331
00:16:21,110 --> 00:16:23,591
I don't see
"Deven" in your contacts.
332
00:16:23,634 --> 00:16:26,246
Should I look for locations
by that name?
333
00:16:58,191 --> 00:17:00,323
Hey, have you heard from...
334
00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:02,804
You see, the laws...
335
00:17:02,847 --> 00:17:04,980
Samir. It's lovely to see you.
336
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:06,982
Hey, baby. How was your show?
337
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:09,028
I didn't know you were gonna
have company tonight.
338
00:17:10,768 --> 00:17:12,727
We were just talking
about comedy.
339
00:17:12,770 --> 00:17:14,729
I was making the case
that it is art,
340
00:17:14,772 --> 00:17:15,904
just as much as theater,
341
00:17:15,947 --> 00:17:19,212
or literature, or paintings.
342
00:17:19,255 --> 00:17:20,648
Hold on one second, David.
343
00:17:20,691 --> 00:17:23,085
You know, I have a lot
of respect for what you do.
344
00:17:23,129 --> 00:17:25,131
Thank you.
345
00:17:25,174 --> 00:17:27,829
Um, can I talk to you
real quick? It's about Deven.
346
00:17:27,872 --> 00:17:30,179
Who? Deven. Can we talk
over here, please?
347
00:17:30,223 --> 00:17:31,789
Who's Deven again?
348
00:17:31,833 --> 00:17:34,096
Is that Fran's boyfriend? Deven.
Your sister's son.
349
00:17:34,140 --> 00:17:38,274
I don't like that joke.
You know Anisha can't have kids.
350
00:17:38,318 --> 00:17:40,189
But that's just it, see?
351
00:17:40,233 --> 00:17:43,366
Comedy has to go to these
dark places because
352
00:17:43,410 --> 00:17:45,716
it's art. That is bullshit.
353
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:48,458
He's in this picture right here.
What I'm saying is,
354
00:17:48,502 --> 00:17:50,199
if he doesn't push
the boundaries,
355
00:17:50,243 --> 00:17:51,809
he's as derelict...
356
00:17:51,853 --> 00:17:53,048
if I were to let an innocent man
357
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,683
go to prison. It really
is no different.
358
00:17:55,726 --> 00:17:57,182
Don't you remember?
He was in this picture.
359
00:17:57,206 --> 00:17:59,643
He was wearing that leather
jacket and I made fun of him.
360
00:17:59,687 --> 00:18:02,820
I called him The Fonz,
and he was like,
361
00:18:02,864 --> 00:18:05,084
"Who's that? You're so old."
362
00:18:10,915 --> 00:18:11,915
Baby...
363
00:18:18,358 --> 00:18:20,229
He's just gone.
364
00:18:20,273 --> 00:18:22,188
Anisha never even had him.
365
00:18:22,231 --> 00:18:25,104
My God, now you're
worrying about my sister?
366
00:18:27,193 --> 00:18:28,672
You're right.
367
00:18:28,716 --> 00:18:30,718
You-You-You're right,
368
00:18:30,761 --> 00:18:33,199
I shouldn't be worrying
about her 'cause...
369
00:18:33,242 --> 00:18:36,245
There never was a Deven,
so it's not like he's dead.
370
00:18:36,289 --> 00:18:37,681
He just never existed,
371
00:18:37,725 --> 00:18:39,248
so it's not like I killed him.
372
00:18:39,292 --> 00:18:41,424
Okay, now you're scaring me.
373
00:18:41,468 --> 00:18:42,730
Are you all right, Samir?
374
00:18:42,773 --> 00:18:43,861
What happened tonight?
375
00:18:43,905 --> 00:18:45,907
Are you feeling okay?
376
00:18:45,950 --> 00:18:47,343
It was JC Wheeler.
377
00:18:47,387 --> 00:18:48,562
JC Wheeler told me...
378
00:18:48,605 --> 00:18:50,129
Whoa, whoa, you met JC Wheeler?
379
00:18:50,172 --> 00:18:52,087
Yeah, he was at
the club last night.
380
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:53,480
That is so cool.
381
00:18:53,523 --> 00:18:55,743
JC Wheeler told me I need
to put myself out there,
382
00:18:55,786 --> 00:18:57,701
that I need to be
more personal on stage,
383
00:18:57,745 --> 00:18:59,181
and then people would
connect to it,
384
00:18:59,225 --> 00:19:01,401
and then people
would relate to me,
385
00:19:01,444 --> 00:19:05,187
and then...
386
00:19:05,231 --> 00:19:07,537
it would be gone forever.
387
00:19:11,324 --> 00:19:13,500
Please don't put me
in the mental hospital.
388
00:19:13,543 --> 00:19:16,503
Why the mental hospital?
389
00:19:16,546 --> 00:19:18,983
You got one picked out?
390
00:19:22,335 --> 00:19:24,728
There he is. There's my guy.
391
00:19:24,772 --> 00:19:25,990
It's okay, Samir.
392
00:19:26,034 --> 00:19:28,558
Look, I think what
you're describing
393
00:19:28,602 --> 00:19:29,907
might be a good thing.
394
00:19:29,951 --> 00:19:32,780
The feeling that if you
put something out there
395
00:19:32,823 --> 00:19:34,956
from your real life,
you'll get laughs.
396
00:19:34,999 --> 00:19:37,001
That sounds like therapy to me.
397
00:19:37,045 --> 00:19:38,196
You work through these things
398
00:19:38,220 --> 00:19:40,091
so that you could
free yourself from them.
399
00:19:40,135 --> 00:19:42,442
It's terrifying to put
yourself out there,
400
00:19:42,485 --> 00:19:44,226
but it's true what they say,
401
00:19:44,270 --> 00:19:47,142
"Sunlight really is
the best disinfectant."
402
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:50,058
Okay, okay, David,
I'm-I'm sorry. Would you mind?
403
00:19:50,101 --> 00:19:52,147
Say no more.
404
00:19:59,676 --> 00:20:04,028
You have been at this
for five years, five.
405
00:20:04,072 --> 00:20:05,726
And I've been very supportive,
406
00:20:05,769 --> 00:20:07,182
but if you've finally
found the thing
407
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:09,077
that can help you
find your audience,
408
00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:11,427
how are you not gonna
throw yourself at that?
409
00:20:11,471 --> 00:20:15,301
Well, what about the part
where things get...
410
00:20:15,344 --> 00:20:16,998
erased?
411
00:20:17,041 --> 00:20:18,260
She's right, you know.
412
00:20:18,304 --> 00:20:20,349
Art is the noblest
pursuit in the world, but...
413
00:20:20,393 --> 00:20:21,916
it's not paying the rent.
414
00:20:21,959 --> 00:20:24,353
I'm sorry.
415
00:20:40,108 --> 00:20:42,415
But what I really like,
what I really like
416
00:20:42,458 --> 00:20:45,940
is when people spell curse words
using asterisks.
417
00:20:45,983 --> 00:20:48,223
You've seen this? You know what
I'm talking about? It's like...
418
00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:51,293
I guess asterisks are kind of
like the chastity belt
419
00:20:51,337 --> 00:20:54,557
of the vowel world,
in the vowel community.
420
00:20:54,601 --> 00:20:56,907
I was looking for you.
421
00:20:56,951 --> 00:20:59,258
Heard you were great
the last couple nights.
422
00:20:59,301 --> 00:21:02,043
Congrats, kid,
you're headlining.
423
00:21:02,086 --> 00:21:04,393
Thank you.
424
00:21:04,437 --> 00:21:06,743
Hey.
425
00:21:06,787 --> 00:21:10,138
Don't fuck it up.
426
00:21:10,181 --> 00:21:11,879
Who am I kidding?
Come on, it's you,
427
00:21:11,922 --> 00:21:14,621
of course you're
gonna fuck it up.
428
00:21:14,664 --> 00:21:16,884
Hey, I'm just messing with you.
429
00:21:16,927 --> 00:21:19,930
Very funny guy, Samir Wassan!
430
00:21:24,457 --> 00:21:25,893
All right!
431
00:21:30,027 --> 00:21:32,203
Thank you.
432
00:21:32,247 --> 00:21:34,945
So a lot of people use
the Second Amendment
433
00:21:34,989 --> 00:21:38,558
as an excuse to say that guns
shouldn't be regulated,
434
00:21:38,601 --> 00:21:39,950
except that the Second Amendment
435
00:21:39,994 --> 00:21:42,736
actually starts
with the words, "A well"
436
00:21:42,779 --> 00:21:45,042
regulated."
437
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:52,006
I have a ten-year-old nephew,
438
00:21:52,049 --> 00:21:54,617
and the other day
he was making fun of my act.
439
00:21:54,661 --> 00:21:56,184
He's ten years old.
440
00:21:56,227 --> 00:21:59,405
He's ten.
441
00:21:59,448 --> 00:22:00,971
Right.
442
00:22:01,015 --> 00:22:03,670
I don't have a nephew anymore.
443
00:22:04,888 --> 00:22:07,761
How about this president?
444
00:22:07,804 --> 00:22:10,981
I don't want to say
he's a fascist dickhead
445
00:22:11,025 --> 00:22:14,594
who should be hung by his nuts
in the public square,
446
00:22:14,637 --> 00:22:17,858
but only because I don't want
to talk to the Secret Service.
447
00:22:23,559 --> 00:22:25,344
Man.
448
00:22:35,397 --> 00:22:38,139
Hey, give it up for the guy
who was on stage
449
00:22:38,182 --> 00:22:40,489
right before me.
450
00:22:40,533 --> 00:22:42,926
Yeah! He's funny, right?
451
00:22:42,970 --> 00:22:46,103
He really crushed.
452
00:22:46,147 --> 00:22:49,063
Didn't he?
453
00:22:49,106 --> 00:22:52,066
Not as badly as he crushed
a mom and her baby
454
00:22:52,109 --> 00:22:53,937
at the bus stop
across the street.
455
00:22:55,852 --> 00:22:57,637
I'm not joking! He did that.
456
00:22:59,203 --> 00:23:02,337
That mangled bus stop
across the street...
457
00:23:03,773 --> 00:23:05,773
that's his best work!
That's his biggest credit!
458
00:23:07,037 --> 00:23:08,996
It was in the news.
459
00:23:09,039 --> 00:23:10,998
He got away with it, though.
460
00:23:11,041 --> 00:23:13,479
And you saw his act,
you-you wouldn't think a guy
461
00:23:13,522 --> 00:23:15,829
with a hateful,
misogynistic act like that
462
00:23:15,872 --> 00:23:17,526
would also be a drunk driver.
463
00:23:17,570 --> 00:23:19,310
No, actually, that stands.
464
00:23:19,354 --> 00:23:20,399
That makes sense.
465
00:23:22,052 --> 00:23:23,402
Give it up for
466
00:23:23,445 --> 00:23:24,838
human piece of shit,
467
00:23:24,881 --> 00:23:26,448
Joe Donner.
468
00:23:41,855 --> 00:23:44,640
'Cause he didn't smash into it,
469
00:23:44,684 --> 00:23:47,382
because he doesn't exist.
470
00:23:47,426 --> 00:23:50,472
Hey, hey, you're the...
Hey, you totally killed tonight.
471
00:23:50,516 --> 00:23:53,780
Thank you. You know,
I actually un-killed two people.
472
00:23:53,823 --> 00:23:55,521
This is you, right?
473
00:23:55,564 --> 00:23:57,131
Yup. I am following you
474
00:23:57,174 --> 00:23:58,480
right now.
475
00:23:58,524 --> 00:23:59,655
Thank you so much.
476
00:23:59,699 --> 00:24:01,875
Don't drink and drive, okay? All right.
477
00:24:01,918 --> 00:24:04,791
Just like Joe Donner
didn't anymore.
478
00:24:04,834 --> 00:24:06,575
Okay. You're so funny.
479
00:24:06,619 --> 00:24:08,882
He is. I also saved two lives.
480
00:24:08,925 --> 00:24:11,450
One was a baby!
481
00:24:44,483 --> 00:24:46,833
I knew this kid
482
00:24:46,876 --> 00:24:49,749
in high school, he was a prick!
483
00:24:49,792 --> 00:24:51,751
Just a bad guy.
484
00:24:51,794 --> 00:24:54,231
He was mean, he was a bully.
485
00:24:56,190 --> 00:24:58,584
But you know what?
It's not fair to judge someone
486
00:24:58,627 --> 00:25:00,629
by how they were
in high school, right?
487
00:25:00,673 --> 00:25:02,501
People change.
488
00:25:02,544 --> 00:25:04,851
They grow, they learn.
489
00:25:06,069 --> 00:25:07,331
So I looked him up online.
490
00:25:07,375 --> 00:25:10,030
Now he works for
Doctors Without Borders.
491
00:25:10,073 --> 00:25:14,338
You horrible pieces of shit.
492
00:25:14,382 --> 00:25:18,517
I'm joking. Jamie Benson
murdered his fiancée.
493
00:25:20,606 --> 00:25:23,434
He did!
494
00:25:23,478 --> 00:25:25,088
Yes!
495
00:25:25,132 --> 00:25:26,829
I love being right!
496
00:25:26,873 --> 00:25:28,657
Great!
497
00:25:28,701 --> 00:25:32,574
Not so great for his fiancée...
Rest in peace. She's gone now.
498
00:25:32,618 --> 00:25:36,926
More like Murderers
With Borders, am I right?
499
00:25:36,970 --> 00:25:39,755
Sometimes the covers
do tell you a fair amount
500
00:25:39,799 --> 00:25:43,324
about the book, don't they?
501
00:25:50,026 --> 00:25:51,637
Cheap and brown,
502
00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:53,552
no ice. You know it, Al.
503
00:26:00,123 --> 00:26:02,691
O-Or what about Coach Keller?
504
00:26:02,735 --> 00:26:05,389
Yeah. That was crazy.
505
00:26:05,433 --> 00:26:08,479
I guess we just didn't know
how crazy it was at the time.
506
00:26:08,523 --> 00:26:10,220
I knew.
507
00:26:10,264 --> 00:26:13,397
Man, there really are a lot
of loathsome psychopaths
508
00:26:13,441 --> 00:26:14,660
in the world?
509
00:26:14,703 --> 00:26:16,792
Thank God you're not
a loathsome psychopath.
510
00:26:16,836 --> 00:26:19,447
That's the most romantic thing
511
00:26:19,490 --> 00:26:21,841
you've ever said to me.
512
00:26:24,626 --> 00:26:27,281
Why are you screaming?
513
00:26:27,324 --> 00:26:29,022
I thought it might
get on my coat.
514
00:26:29,065 --> 00:26:30,153
What about my face?
515
00:26:30,197 --> 00:26:31,633
This is my favorite coat,
516
00:26:31,677 --> 00:26:34,680
and it is so much more expensive
than your face, baby.
517
00:26:34,723 --> 00:26:36,464
I'm sorry.
518
00:26:36,507 --> 00:26:38,727
What are you doing? Pizza face!
519
00:27:09,192 --> 00:27:12,065
So you know how, in school,
rumors would get started,
520
00:27:12,108 --> 00:27:13,588
and it didn't even matter
521
00:27:13,632 --> 00:27:17,026
if they were true or not,
it would just become legend?
522
00:27:17,070 --> 00:27:18,767
You know what I'm talking about?
523
00:27:18,811 --> 00:27:20,813
Well, unless the Times
524
00:27:20,856 --> 00:27:24,904
and a jury of his peers
were being huge gossips,
525
00:27:24,947 --> 00:27:27,907
that rumor about.
526
00:27:27,950 --> 00:27:31,562
Coach Keller
527
00:27:31,606 --> 00:27:34,130
being a pervert
who preyed on kids?
528
00:27:34,174 --> 00:27:35,654
That rumor was true.
529
00:27:36,742 --> 00:27:39,353
That one did happen.
530
00:27:44,097 --> 00:27:46,229
You know, I've been
feeling like my comedy
531
00:27:46,273 --> 00:27:48,057
could really make
a difference, like,
532
00:27:48,101 --> 00:27:49,972
the more I open up on stage,
533
00:27:50,016 --> 00:27:53,323
the, the more
I change the world.
534
00:27:53,367 --> 00:27:56,152
Is that completely
narcissistic and delusional?
535
00:27:56,196 --> 00:27:58,198
Yes, but I don't mind it.
536
00:27:58,241 --> 00:28:00,591
I like this new you.
537
00:28:00,635 --> 00:28:03,072
So do I.
538
00:28:11,167 --> 00:28:14,344
Hey, um, do you remember
that guy we ran into
539
00:28:14,388 --> 00:28:17,347
who you defended, and then later
you found out he totally
540
00:28:17,391 --> 00:28:18,914
did do all
those horrible things?
541
00:28:18,958 --> 00:28:20,263
I can't believe I said that.
542
00:28:20,307 --> 00:28:22,309
No, no, no,
it's good that you told me.
543
00:28:22,352 --> 00:28:24,180
What did you say
the guy's name was again?
544
00:28:24,224 --> 00:28:25,878
I can't tell you that.
545
00:28:25,921 --> 00:28:27,053
Yes, you can.
546
00:28:27,096 --> 00:28:28,707
David says a good
defense attorney
547
00:28:28,750 --> 00:28:30,839
never lets her opinions
seep into... Great, David.
548
00:28:30,883 --> 00:28:32,798
Really?
549
00:28:32,841 --> 00:28:35,844
I'm so sorry I mentioned
my friend's name in passing.
550
00:28:35,888 --> 00:28:37,735
No, no, no, keep going.
There's gonna be a great story.
551
00:28:37,759 --> 00:28:40,196
I've been starved for some
of that David Kandel wisdom.
552
00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:41,937
And I've been starved
for some of that
553
00:28:41,981 --> 00:28:43,983
Samir Wassan
jealous prick routine.
554
00:28:44,026 --> 00:28:46,942
Jealous prick? Okay.
Routine? Wow.
555
00:28:46,986 --> 00:28:48,639
Why, what would you call it?
556
00:28:48,683 --> 00:28:50,772
What would I call
a law professor
557
00:28:50,816 --> 00:28:53,732
who's always having romantic
dinners with his former student,
558
00:28:53,775 --> 00:28:55,864
my girlfriend? They are not romantic.
559
00:28:55,908 --> 00:28:58,737
David is my friend,
and my mentor...
560
00:28:58,780 --> 00:29:01,609
Mentor. Okay.
Yeah, why was I worried?
561
00:29:01,652 --> 00:29:03,611
There's no way
a mentor would try
562
00:29:03,654 --> 00:29:05,656
and fuck an attractive student.
563
00:29:05,700 --> 00:29:07,441
Screw you, Samir.
564
00:29:07,484 --> 00:29:10,226
"Screw you." That's really good.
Are you taking argument classes?
565
00:29:10,270 --> 00:29:12,141
'Cause that's still
some beginner shit.
566
00:29:12,185 --> 00:29:14,100
Maybe move up to
"Go fuck yourself."
567
00:29:14,143 --> 00:29:16,276
Rena?
568
00:29:33,772 --> 00:29:36,818
So I met a murderer today.
569
00:29:36,862 --> 00:29:38,124
I did.
570
00:29:38,167 --> 00:29:40,430
I actually met a murderer.
571
00:29:40,474 --> 00:29:43,651
I was talking to this
tattooed guy on the bus,
572
00:29:43,694 --> 00:29:49,048
and he just straight-up told me
that he murdered someone.
573
00:29:49,091 --> 00:29:50,440
You know,
I guess it makes sense,
574
00:29:50,484 --> 00:29:51,877
'cause if I was a murderer,
575
00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:53,704
I would want to tell people,
too, you know?
576
00:29:53,748 --> 00:29:56,707
Pride in what you do
is important.
577
00:29:58,927 --> 00:30:00,102
Although, it seems like
578
00:30:00,146 --> 00:30:01,625
resisting the urge
to tell people
579
00:30:01,669 --> 00:30:06,021
might be an important life skill
for a murderer.
580
00:30:09,938 --> 00:30:12,158
Buck. His name was Buck.
581
00:30:13,463 --> 00:30:14,638
Buck.
582
00:30:14,682 --> 00:30:16,815
From Pennsylvania?
583
00:30:16,858 --> 00:30:19,818
Unless he gave me a fake name.
584
00:30:19,861 --> 00:30:21,254
I...
585
00:30:33,179 --> 00:30:36,747
I've got something
you guys might like.
586
00:30:36,791 --> 00:30:40,273
Do you guys have
a girlfriend who's got, like,
587
00:30:40,316 --> 00:30:42,449
a creepy older "mentor"?
588
00:30:53,764 --> 00:30:56,855
You know, who's,
like, just her friend,
589
00:30:56,898 --> 00:30:59,683
and not trying
to sleep with her at all.
590
00:30:59,727 --> 00:31:04,340
Just some older, white,
pretentious motherfucker.
591
00:31:04,384 --> 00:31:08,170
With his fucking little beard,
and he knows everything.
592
00:31:08,214 --> 00:31:10,956
This guy knows everything.
593
00:31:10,999 --> 00:31:13,175
And then youget in trouble.
594
00:31:15,090 --> 00:31:17,266
You get called
a jealous boyfriend
595
00:31:17,310 --> 00:31:20,182
for trying to save her
from getting MeToo'd
596
00:31:20,226 --> 00:31:22,445
by fucking David Kandel?
597
00:31:31,237 --> 00:31:32,281
Wow.
598
00:31:32,325 --> 00:31:35,806
"Top Comedians to Follow,."
599
00:31:35,850 --> 00:31:37,504
Yeah.
600
00:31:37,547 --> 00:31:39,158
I forgot about that.
601
00:31:39,201 --> 00:31:42,117
Must be so exciting for you
to know someone on that list.
602
00:31:42,161 --> 00:31:43,312
You've been
strutting around here
603
00:31:43,336 --> 00:31:44,946
like the cock of the walk
lately.
604
00:31:44,990 --> 00:31:46,252
Great metaphor.
605
00:31:46,295 --> 00:31:47,906
Hey, I'm a little busy
right now.
606
00:31:47,949 --> 00:31:50,169
Could you text my assistant,
'cause I want to talk.
607
00:31:50,212 --> 00:31:52,519
Don't make me hurt you, Samir.
608
00:31:52,562 --> 00:31:54,956
Hey, baby.
609
00:31:55,000 --> 00:31:56,436
Hey.
610
00:31:56,479 --> 00:31:58,873
Hilarious as always, Samir.
611
00:32:02,181 --> 00:32:03,332
Hey, what would your,
mentor David
612
00:32:03,356 --> 00:32:04,574
have thought of that set?
613
00:32:04,618 --> 00:32:06,881
What are you talking about?
614
00:32:06,925 --> 00:32:08,927
Wait, where are you going?
615
00:32:08,970 --> 00:32:11,842
I have to get to my shift.
616
00:32:11,886 --> 00:32:14,497
W-What shift?
617
00:32:15,411 --> 00:32:17,239
Rena, what's wrong?
618
00:32:17,283 --> 00:32:19,633
I'm late.
You gonna get me fired?
619
00:32:19,676 --> 00:32:20,895
Okay.
620
00:32:20,939 --> 00:32:22,853
Why would they have
you come in now?
621
00:32:22,897 --> 00:32:24,483
And they're not gonna fire
their best lawyer
622
00:32:24,507 --> 00:32:25,639
for being slightly late.
623
00:32:25,682 --> 00:32:28,598
Lawyer? Are you kidding me?
624
00:32:28,642 --> 00:32:31,079
Wait, wait, wait, you're,
you're not a lawyer?
625
00:32:31,123 --> 00:32:32,863
Screw you.
626
00:32:36,041 --> 00:32:37,781
David Kandel.
627
00:32:37,825 --> 00:32:40,959
She doesn't have a career
without fucking David Kandel.
628
00:32:52,274 --> 00:32:53,928
Rena, I screwed something up.
629
00:32:53,972 --> 00:32:56,844
You have screwed many things up,
Samir, but I am late right now.
630
00:32:56,887 --> 00:32:57,888
I'm sorry.
631
00:32:57,932 --> 00:32:59,716
No, no, listen.
I changed something.
632
00:32:59,760 --> 00:33:02,719
Okay? You were supposed to...
Supposed to what?
633
00:33:02,763 --> 00:33:05,679
Keep waiting patiently for you
to get your career together?
634
00:33:05,722 --> 00:33:06,636
No.
635
00:33:06,680 --> 00:33:08,073
Wait, where's your red coat?
636
00:33:08,116 --> 00:33:09,335
The one we got in Paris?
637
00:33:09,378 --> 00:33:10,616
What are you talking about? Paris.
638
00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:12,816
When we went to Paris. The...
639
00:33:14,688 --> 00:33:17,647
We never went to Paris
'cause we couldn't afford it.
640
00:33:17,691 --> 00:33:19,649
No, no, no, no, no.
641
00:33:19,693 --> 00:33:21,347
Hey, hey, hey. I swear to God,
642
00:33:21,390 --> 00:33:23,131
if you touch me one more time...
643
00:33:23,175 --> 00:33:24,915
You okay, honey? I'm fine.
644
00:33:24,959 --> 00:33:26,482
She's fine.
It's okay, it's okay.
645
00:33:26,526 --> 00:33:28,049
Okay, hey, hey,
that was the trip
646
00:33:28,093 --> 00:33:29,355
that saved our relationship.
647
00:33:29,398 --> 00:33:31,096
But we didn't
go on it... Saved our...?
648
00:33:31,139 --> 00:33:32,551
Listen, we couldn't go because
you couldn't afford it,
649
00:33:32,575 --> 00:33:33,924
but now I can afford it, so...
650
00:33:33,968 --> 00:33:35,448
You're a dick, Samir.
651
00:33:35,491 --> 00:33:36,512
Okay, you don't understand...
652
00:33:36,536 --> 00:33:37,711
No, you don't understand.
653
00:33:37,754 --> 00:33:39,123
You don't think about
how your actions
654
00:33:39,147 --> 00:33:40,627
affect me or anybody else.
655
00:33:40,670 --> 00:33:42,455
We're all just
background to you.
656
00:33:42,498 --> 00:33:45,284
Table 12.
657
00:33:49,810 --> 00:33:51,246
Hey.
658
00:33:51,290 --> 00:33:52,552
I'm sorry. I'm sorr... hey.
659
00:33:52,595 --> 00:33:54,075
Remember when you gave me
that advice,
660
00:33:54,119 --> 00:33:55,879
when you told me that I
could be strong on stage?
661
00:33:55,903 --> 00:33:57,774
That I could play
to my strengths?
662
00:33:57,818 --> 00:34:00,342
You said that I need
to let go of stuff?
663
00:34:00,386 --> 00:34:02,475
So I did that. I did
that for us. I did that,
664
00:34:02,518 --> 00:34:03,867
I did that for you.
665
00:34:03,911 --> 00:34:06,044
You said it was okay to punch.
666
00:34:06,087 --> 00:34:08,046
When am I gonna be the joke?
667
00:34:08,089 --> 00:34:10,874
This argument, when's that
gonna show up in your act?
668
00:34:10,918 --> 00:34:12,180
We're done, Samir.
669
00:34:12,224 --> 00:34:14,182
No, no, no. No, no, no.
670
00:34:14,226 --> 00:34:16,228
Listen to me. Listen to me.
671
00:34:16,271 --> 00:34:18,708
I have this power, okay?
672
00:34:18,752 --> 00:34:20,580
I have this superpower.
673
00:34:20,623 --> 00:34:22,886
I do. The reason you're doing
this right now...
674
00:34:22,930 --> 00:34:24,714
The reason I'm doing this
right now, Samir,
675
00:34:24,758 --> 00:34:28,022
is that you are
a selfish asshole.
676
00:35:50,974 --> 00:35:54,543
Thank you.
677
00:35:54,587 --> 00:35:57,764
What do you think it's like
to have a penis?
678
00:35:57,807 --> 00:35:59,244
Obviously...
679
00:36:02,377 --> 00:36:05,075
That cute little Indian girl
dumped you?
680
00:36:05,119 --> 00:36:07,948
Shit, man, that sucks.
I'm sorry.
681
00:36:07,991 --> 00:36:10,907
For you, I'm sorry for you.
'Cause that was just
682
00:36:10,951 --> 00:36:14,084
clearly the right decision
for her, you know?
683
00:36:14,128 --> 00:36:17,218
She's all I know, I...
684
00:36:17,262 --> 00:36:19,438
I don't know what I am
without her.
685
00:36:21,004 --> 00:36:22,919
My...
686
00:36:22,963 --> 00:36:25,095
career's finally taking off.
687
00:36:25,139 --> 00:36:27,097
Can't win at everything, right?
688
00:36:27,141 --> 00:36:29,535
People think I'm funny.
689
00:36:29,578 --> 00:36:31,537
You know how hard
it's been for me,
690
00:36:31,580 --> 00:36:33,669
people not thinking I was funny?
691
00:36:33,713 --> 00:36:36,237
Yeah. Yeah. Yes.
692
00:36:36,281 --> 00:36:37,586
I hear you.
693
00:36:37,630 --> 00:36:40,546
Maybe this is how it goes.
694
00:36:40,589 --> 00:36:44,680
You get something,
you got to give something up.
695
00:36:51,687 --> 00:36:53,385
Samir,
696
00:36:53,428 --> 00:36:57,345
if you go on a murder rampage,
697
00:36:57,389 --> 00:36:59,521
can you try not to do it
while I'm here, please?
698
00:36:59,565 --> 00:37:03,046
And just to be clear,
I say that not because
699
00:37:03,090 --> 00:37:05,875
you're brown, I say it because
700
00:37:05,919 --> 00:37:08,269
"you're a man," sort of.
701
00:37:08,313 --> 00:37:09,531
There's my two little stars.
702
00:37:09,575 --> 00:37:12,055
There's our weird, creepy uncle.
703
00:37:13,187 --> 00:37:14,623
Weird, creepy laugh.
704
00:37:14,667 --> 00:37:15,624
So,
705
00:37:15,668 --> 00:37:18,148
Candy Gower from The Gower Hour
706
00:37:18,192 --> 00:37:19,474
is coming
to the late set tonight.
707
00:37:19,498 --> 00:37:21,804
Okay. And she is here for you two.
708
00:37:21,848 --> 00:37:23,328
Two?
709
00:37:23,371 --> 00:37:24,807
You didn't hear this from me,
710
00:37:24,851 --> 00:37:26,635
but The Gower Hourneeds
a new cast member,
711
00:37:26,679 --> 00:37:29,290
and it's pretty much narrowed
down to two up-and-coming comics
712
00:37:29,334 --> 00:37:31,814
you may have heard of
named you and you.
713
00:37:31,858 --> 00:37:33,468
Doesn't know our names.
714
00:37:33,512 --> 00:37:36,036
Please welcome Samir Wassan.
715
00:37:36,079 --> 00:37:37,124
He's Samir Wassan.
716
00:37:37,167 --> 00:37:39,953
He just said it. So...
717
00:37:54,010 --> 00:37:56,448
The Second Amendment says...
718
00:37:56,491 --> 00:38:01,409
"A well regulated..."
719
00:38:07,241 --> 00:38:10,897
My football coach was a rapist.
720
00:38:13,682 --> 00:38:16,816
What did he just say?
721
00:38:16,859 --> 00:38:18,470
Right.
722
00:38:18,513 --> 00:38:20,689
You need fresh blood.
723
00:38:20,733 --> 00:38:22,604
What we need is jokes.
724
00:38:22,648 --> 00:38:25,346
Who said that?
Who fucking said that?
725
00:38:25,390 --> 00:38:28,523
It was me.
726
00:38:28,567 --> 00:38:30,438
So you think you're funny?
727
00:38:31,396 --> 00:38:34,703
No, we just think you're not.
728
00:38:37,140 --> 00:38:39,534
Ooh...
729
00:38:42,189 --> 00:38:45,888
Okay. Okay.
730
00:38:45,932 --> 00:38:48,978
What's your name?
731
00:38:49,022 --> 00:38:51,416
What's everybody's name?
732
00:38:55,333 --> 00:38:56,812
Gabe.
733
00:38:56,856 --> 00:38:58,684
Will.
734
00:38:58,727 --> 00:39:02,252
And where do you guys work?
735
00:39:02,296 --> 00:39:04,733
We work at Wellspring Capital.
736
00:39:04,777 --> 00:39:06,866
So you're, what, like,
hedge fund guys?
737
00:39:06,909 --> 00:39:08,737
Yeah, actually,
738
00:39:08,781 --> 00:39:11,305
we invest in hedge funds.
739
00:39:11,349 --> 00:39:12,872
Wow.
740
00:39:12,915 --> 00:39:15,657
Yeah. Wow is right, bro.
741
00:39:15,701 --> 00:39:17,659
We're talking about...
742
00:39:17,703 --> 00:39:21,968
Count 'em... nine figures.
743
00:39:22,011 --> 00:39:23,622
Nine figures!
744
00:39:23,665 --> 00:39:26,320
I-I got to give it to you,
that actually is impressive.
745
00:39:26,364 --> 00:39:30,280
You know, I love guys like this.
746
00:39:38,985 --> 00:39:41,683
They get off work
after a long day
747
00:39:41,727 --> 00:39:45,731
of investing in hedge funds...
Did I get that right?
748
00:39:45,774 --> 00:39:48,777
Want to make sure I get
the details right here.
749
00:39:48,821 --> 00:39:51,954
These guys are like,"
we're gonna go to a comedy club,
750
00:39:51,998 --> 00:39:53,913
"we're gonna heckle
the comedian.
751
00:39:55,088 --> 00:39:58,657
And tell everyone
how much money we make."
752
00:40:00,833 --> 00:40:04,445
Gabe and Will,
ladies and gentlemen.
753
00:40:04,489 --> 00:40:07,187
Gabe and Will.
754
00:40:32,342 --> 00:40:33,474
It's you and me?
755
00:40:33,518 --> 00:40:34,475
Not now.
756
00:40:34,519 --> 00:40:35,911
Yeah. Now.
757
00:40:38,131 --> 00:40:40,176
It's one spot.
758
00:40:40,220 --> 00:40:42,744
One spot.
759
00:40:42,788 --> 00:40:46,182
On The Gower Hour.
760
00:40:50,186 --> 00:40:53,842
That shit should have
gone straight to me.
761
00:40:53,886 --> 00:40:57,933
I have been the MVP up
in here for a minute.
762
00:40:57,977 --> 00:40:59,369
But somehow,
763
00:40:59,413 --> 00:41:00,675
suddenly,
764
00:41:00,719 --> 00:41:02,590
you get funny.
765
00:41:02,634 --> 00:41:04,679
How does that happen?
766
00:41:04,723 --> 00:41:06,855
How the hell you pull that off?
767
00:41:06,899 --> 00:41:08,640
Didi, we really don't
have to do this
768
00:41:08,683 --> 00:41:09,858
right now. What?
769
00:41:09,902 --> 00:41:12,034
I'm not gonna
go on stage tonight. What?
770
00:41:12,078 --> 00:41:13,534
What are you
talking about? I don't want it.
771
00:41:13,558 --> 00:41:15,864
You can have it.
I don't want it.No. No, that is some...
772
00:41:15,908 --> 00:41:17,779
I-I'm not... No, fuck you. No.
773
00:41:17,823 --> 00:41:21,827
No, I am not about to
let you do that shit.
774
00:41:21,870 --> 00:41:23,524
Why not?
775
00:41:23,568 --> 00:41:24,786
'Cause you're good.
776
00:41:24,830 --> 00:41:26,527
You've been fucking killing it.
777
00:41:26,571 --> 00:41:29,312
And I'm honestly
kind of embarrassed
778
00:41:29,356 --> 00:41:32,272
that I didn't see how funny
you were from the start.
779
00:41:32,315 --> 00:41:34,143
But you can't stop now.
780
00:41:34,187 --> 00:41:36,406
So, I came in here
to tell you that if,
781
00:41:36,450 --> 00:41:38,539
that if Candy Gower chooses you,
782
00:41:38,583 --> 00:41:39,888
well, then I would be happy.
783
00:41:39,932 --> 00:41:41,716
'Cause it would
be a good choice.
784
00:41:41,760 --> 00:41:45,285
Didi to the
stage. Didi to the stage.
785
00:41:45,328 --> 00:41:48,375
So no more
of this bullshit about
786
00:41:48,418 --> 00:41:50,725
"I'm not gonna go up,"
787
00:41:50,769 --> 00:41:53,075
and "My goodness,
I have a vagina"
788
00:41:53,119 --> 00:41:55,382
"and it's hurting
and I'm on my period
789
00:41:55,425 --> 00:41:56,862
and I can't find tampons"
790
00:41:56,905 --> 00:41:59,255
or whatever the fuck
you're talking about.
791
00:41:59,299 --> 00:42:00,735
Okay?
792
00:42:00,779 --> 00:42:02,345
I'll see you...
793
00:42:02,389 --> 00:42:03,738
on stage.
794
00:42:03,782 --> 00:42:06,567
And may the baddest bitch win.
795
00:42:06,611 --> 00:42:09,657
Which is me, by the way.
796
00:42:09,701 --> 00:42:11,746
Didi, you're on deck.
797
00:42:11,790 --> 00:42:14,619
Didi? You're on deck.
798
00:42:17,796 --> 00:42:19,624
I swear to God...
799
00:42:19,667 --> 00:42:23,584
if I were straight, I would...
800
00:42:25,151 --> 00:42:27,283
probably be with
a Idris Elba-type dude.
801
00:42:27,327 --> 00:42:30,460
But I would throw you
some pussy every now and again
802
00:42:30,504 --> 00:42:33,333
out of respect for your comedy.
803
00:42:33,376 --> 00:42:35,291
Thank you.-
804
00:42:35,335 --> 00:42:37,555
Kill it tonight, boo.
805
00:42:37,598 --> 00:42:39,687
Whoo!
806
00:42:44,649 --> 00:42:46,607
Let's get it!
807
00:42:56,922 --> 00:42:58,793
The club's called Eddies
808
00:42:58,837 --> 00:43:00,336
and you'd think that
it would be Eddie's
809
00:43:00,360 --> 00:43:02,841
but then that sign
says that it's Eddies.
810
00:43:02,884 --> 00:43:04,886
But then
this sign's saying that,
811
00:43:04,930 --> 00:43:06,801
no, itis actually Eddie's,
812
00:43:06,845 --> 00:43:09,238
it's just that
we don't allow apostrophes,
813
00:43:09,282 --> 00:43:11,284
so now it's Eddies.
814
00:43:26,647 --> 00:43:28,344
There you are.
815
00:43:28,388 --> 00:43:30,303
Didi's up next, then you.
You ready?
816
00:43:30,346 --> 00:43:33,219
What the hell
are you doing on the floor?
817
00:43:33,262 --> 00:43:34,742
Is Candy Gower here?
818
00:43:34,786 --> 00:43:36,831
You bet your dick she is.
819
00:43:36,875 --> 00:43:39,878
This is it, kid. This is it.
820
00:43:42,054 --> 00:43:44,186
This is it, kid.
821
00:43:44,230 --> 00:43:46,493
This is it.
822
00:43:46,536 --> 00:43:48,669
What did you do to me?
823
00:43:48,713 --> 00:43:50,149
Do to you?
824
00:43:50,192 --> 00:43:52,368
I just told you
how to get what you wanted.
825
00:43:52,412 --> 00:43:54,675
I wanted to make people laugh,
I did not want
826
00:43:54,719 --> 00:43:56,068
to make them disappear.
827
00:43:56,111 --> 00:43:58,331
I wanted to be
the next Chris Rock.
828
00:43:58,374 --> 00:43:59,680
Not evil...
829
00:43:59,724 --> 00:44:01,464
David Copperfield.
830
00:44:01,508 --> 00:44:04,206
I warned you what would happen
if you put stuff out there.
831
00:44:04,250 --> 00:44:07,383
You did not tell me I was
gonna be murdering people.
832
00:44:09,951 --> 00:44:11,300
Murdering people?
833
00:44:11,344 --> 00:44:13,215
Now who the hell
is murdering people?
834
00:44:13,259 --> 00:44:16,436
You can't murder people
who never existed.
835
00:44:16,479 --> 00:44:17,742
That's semantics.
836
00:44:17,785 --> 00:44:20,701
There are no crying moms.
837
00:44:20,745 --> 00:44:22,921
It's not murder if there
are no crying moms.
838
00:44:22,964 --> 00:44:25,358
See, that's the
criteria for murder.
839
00:44:25,401 --> 00:44:28,230
Willful, premeditated,
840
00:44:28,274 --> 00:44:30,232
crying moms.
841
00:44:31,103 --> 00:44:33,105
But... But what?
842
00:44:33,148 --> 00:44:34,802
These people were never born.
843
00:44:36,369 --> 00:44:37,892
Now, you might think
you remember them
844
00:44:37,936 --> 00:44:40,199
but you're incorrect.
They're gone.
845
00:44:40,242 --> 00:44:41,417
They're gone.
846
00:44:41,461 --> 00:44:42,767
They are gone.
847
00:44:45,465 --> 00:44:46,901
But where do they go?
848
00:44:46,945 --> 00:44:48,598
Samir Wassan,
849
00:44:48,642 --> 00:44:49,774
you're up next in five.
850
00:44:49,817 --> 00:44:51,732
You still have a chance.
851
00:44:51,776 --> 00:44:55,431
To get the success you said
you wanted more than anything.
852
00:44:55,475 --> 00:44:57,346
Why stop now?
853
00:44:57,390 --> 00:44:59,392
You're so close.
854
00:44:59,435 --> 00:45:01,394
Finish it.
855
00:45:01,437 --> 00:45:03,048
Use what you got.
856
00:45:03,091 --> 00:45:04,789
Weaponize that shit.
857
00:45:04,832 --> 00:45:08,053
Bring down
the motherfucking house.
858
00:45:14,973 --> 00:45:16,931
Shit. Okay, so,
859
00:45:16,975 --> 00:45:18,890
So many people talk
about how hard it is...
860
00:45:30,423 --> 00:45:32,512
So...
861
00:45:35,820 --> 00:45:37,299
Um...
862
00:45:39,432 --> 00:45:40,781
She's so fine...
863
00:45:42,696 --> 00:45:44,002
But you know what?
864
00:45:49,485 --> 00:45:51,705
And that is a pussy-eating joke.
865
00:45:51,749 --> 00:45:53,925
You guys have been amazing.
866
00:45:53,968 --> 00:45:56,362
I'm Didi Scott.
Thank you so much.
867
00:46:11,856 --> 00:46:14,510
That was amazing.
868
00:46:14,554 --> 00:46:15,947
That was hilarious.
869
00:46:17,470 --> 00:46:20,255
Keep it going
for the incredible Di...
870
00:46:28,916 --> 00:46:30,918
Please keep it going...
871
00:46:32,572 --> 00:46:34,313
Please keep it going...
872
00:46:36,881 --> 00:46:38,360
Please keep it going
873
00:46:38,404 --> 00:46:41,537
for the incredible
Didi Scott, everyone.
874
00:46:50,590 --> 00:46:53,723
Karen Conroy,
she broke my heart.
875
00:46:53,767 --> 00:46:55,987
Lizzy Appleman, what a bitch!
876
00:46:56,030 --> 00:46:57,075
Mary Beth Bryce!
877
00:46:57,118 --> 00:46:58,598
She didn't even
know I was alive!
878
00:46:58,641 --> 00:47:02,210
Bye-bye!
Mrs. Kern from Westlake High.
879
00:47:02,254 --> 00:47:04,082
B-plus. You're gone!
880
00:47:04,125 --> 00:47:05,866
Sarah Vollman.
881
00:47:05,910 --> 00:47:08,347
My parents' friends' kid, Neel.
882
00:47:08,390 --> 00:47:11,176
I don't like how he looks at me.
883
00:47:11,219 --> 00:47:13,308
Parson twins! Fuck them both!
884
00:47:13,352 --> 00:47:15,223
Um, Yuri Bhattacharya.
885
00:47:15,267 --> 00:47:16,616
Yuri Bhattacharya's mom.
886
00:47:16,659 --> 00:47:19,488
Let's go for it!
Yuri Bhattacharya's fucking dog!
887
00:47:19,532 --> 00:47:21,012
Serena Tam!
888
00:47:21,055 --> 00:47:24,189
She wouldn't share her lunch...
Fuck you, bitch!
889
00:47:24,232 --> 00:47:26,931
Um, Billy Chung!
890
00:47:26,974 --> 00:47:28,062
From college.
891
00:47:28,106 --> 00:47:29,411
Fuck Billy Chung!
892
00:47:29,455 --> 00:47:31,500
Goodbye!
893
00:47:31,544 --> 00:47:34,329
You know what?
Dr. Baldwin, my dentist?
894
00:47:34,373 --> 00:47:36,114
Fuck him! Fuck root canals!
895
00:47:38,116 --> 00:47:39,813
Thank you!
896
00:47:39,857 --> 00:47:41,684
I like that.
897
00:47:41,728 --> 00:47:44,949
Skip Torrance, Jana Torrance!
898
00:47:44,992 --> 00:47:46,254
All the Torrances!
899
00:47:49,214 --> 00:47:50,519
"Boo"?
900
00:47:53,218 --> 00:47:55,611
Really? Read the fucking room.
901
00:47:57,483 --> 00:47:59,180
What are you doing here?
902
00:47:59,224 --> 00:48:02,270
You shouldn't be here.
903
00:48:02,314 --> 00:48:04,882
You have something to say to me
in the middle of my act?
904
00:48:04,925 --> 00:48:06,535
Your "act"?
905
00:48:06,579 --> 00:48:08,233
I hear this kid kills hecklers.
906
00:48:08,276 --> 00:48:09,887
This is gonna be good.
907
00:48:10,975 --> 00:48:12,933
This is your act.
908
00:48:12,977 --> 00:48:15,153
I found it.
909
00:48:15,196 --> 00:48:18,286
It's just names, Samir.
910
00:48:18,330 --> 00:48:20,245
I don't even know
who these people are.
911
00:48:20,288 --> 00:48:21,594
People who wronged you,
912
00:48:21,637 --> 00:48:23,117
people you don't like.
913
00:48:23,161 --> 00:48:27,034
Your act is just you being
superior to other people.
914
00:48:27,078 --> 00:48:28,340
Taking them down.
915
00:48:28,383 --> 00:48:29,297
Go ahead.
916
00:48:29,341 --> 00:48:31,125
Use me. Use me for fuel.
917
00:48:31,169 --> 00:48:33,954
Burn me up so you can get
where you always wanted to go.
918
00:48:33,998 --> 00:48:35,129
Do it.
919
00:48:35,173 --> 00:48:36,870
What's stopping you?
920
00:48:51,580 --> 00:48:52,799
Okay.
921
00:48:52,842 --> 00:48:54,583
You want to hear
the whole story?
922
00:48:56,063 --> 00:48:58,326
You're right,
I have been selfish.
923
00:48:58,370 --> 00:49:00,981
You said it and I heard it.
924
00:49:01,025 --> 00:49:03,897
I don't know if anybody else
could've gotten me to hear that,
925
00:49:03,941 --> 00:49:06,378
but you sure know how
to get me to hear things.
926
00:49:06,421 --> 00:49:08,728
But I don't want to talk to you
about that tonight,
927
00:49:08,771 --> 00:49:10,686
ladies and gentlemen.
928
00:49:10,730 --> 00:49:14,690
Tonight, I want to talk to you
about someone I've known
929
00:49:14,734 --> 00:49:16,388
a very long time.
930
00:49:16,431 --> 00:49:19,130
Clever, loveable
in a lot of ways,
931
00:49:19,173 --> 00:49:20,870
someone you'd think
would be a good person
932
00:49:20,914 --> 00:49:23,569
with a lot to offer the world.
933
00:49:24,613 --> 00:49:26,354
Ladies and gentlemen...
934
00:49:26,398 --> 00:49:29,183
tonight, I want to talk to you
935
00:49:29,227 --> 00:49:30,968
about...
936
00:49:33,579 --> 00:49:34,710
myself.
937
00:49:43,067 --> 00:49:44,720
I'm a comedian.
938
00:49:44,764 --> 00:49:46,722
Which is a job like any other.
939
00:49:46,766 --> 00:49:49,029
Except instead of climbing
940
00:49:49,073 --> 00:49:50,813
into the gears
of an enormous machine
941
00:49:50,857 --> 00:49:53,773
to chase a hat,
like I assume all of you do,
942
00:49:53,816 --> 00:49:57,603
I come up here and I try
and make people laugh.
943
00:49:57,646 --> 00:50:00,910
Why? Because I want
to spread joy?
944
00:50:00,954 --> 00:50:03,043
Because I want the world
to be a better place?
945
00:50:03,087 --> 00:50:05,915
Nope! It's because
I'm a garbage can
946
00:50:05,959 --> 00:50:08,570
who needs lots of
money and validation
947
00:50:08,614 --> 00:50:10,572
emptied right into me!
948
00:50:10,616 --> 00:50:12,226
I want people to come up to me
949
00:50:12,270 --> 00:50:14,489
on the street
and ask for selfies!
950
00:50:14,533 --> 00:50:16,578
I don't even care if
they know who I am.
951
00:50:16,622 --> 00:50:18,276
I just want them to think
952
00:50:18,319 --> 00:50:19,625
I'm somebody!
953
00:50:19,668 --> 00:50:21,801
And I want to have it so much
954
00:50:21,844 --> 00:50:23,237
that I want to be sick of it.
955
00:50:23,281 --> 00:50:25,761
I want them to come up to me
and I want to be like,
956
00:50:25,805 --> 00:50:27,415
"Don't you know I'm
just a garbage can
957
00:50:27,459 --> 00:50:30,244
who wants to live my own life?"
958
00:50:30,288 --> 00:50:32,290
Why do I want that?
959
00:50:34,770 --> 00:50:36,859
I don't know.
960
00:50:38,731 --> 00:50:40,733
But it doesn't matter.
961
00:50:40,776 --> 00:50:42,735
I am a bully.
962
00:50:42,778 --> 00:50:46,260
People are just material to me.
963
00:50:46,304 --> 00:50:48,697
I throw them away.
964
00:50:48,741 --> 00:50:51,874
I'm a country with one export
965
00:50:51,918 --> 00:50:54,094
and there's really
only one thing
966
00:50:54,138 --> 00:50:56,053
left for me to give!
967
00:50:59,882 --> 00:51:02,668
Ladies and gentlemen,
968
00:51:02,711 --> 00:51:06,454
I've been Samir Wassan!
969
00:51:30,304 --> 00:51:31,827
Hey. Hey, dude.
970
00:51:31,871 --> 00:51:34,482
You have fun? Yeah, it was actually
971
00:51:34,526 --> 00:51:36,702
really funny. Glad you liked it.
972
00:51:37,616 --> 00:51:38,660
Look.
973
00:51:38,704 --> 00:51:40,140
Didi Scott's right there.
974
00:51:40,184 --> 00:51:42,316
You want to say hi? No, I'm fine.
975
00:51:42,360 --> 00:51:44,884
You sure? Well, I'm gonna.
976
00:51:45,798 --> 00:51:48,017
Hey. You were hilarious.
977
00:51:48,061 --> 00:51:50,281
Thank you. Thank you so much.
978
00:51:53,371 --> 00:51:56,374
Thank you.
979
00:52:00,117 --> 00:52:01,814
Something to take the pain away.
980
00:52:01,857 --> 00:52:03,729
Coming right up, Deeds.
981
00:52:06,688 --> 00:52:08,864
Well, holy shit.
982
00:52:08,908 --> 00:52:10,779
JC Wheeler.
983
00:52:10,823 --> 00:52:13,391
In the fleshy flesh.
984
00:52:14,740 --> 00:52:17,003
I saw your set.
985
00:52:18,787 --> 00:52:20,615
Wow. If...
986
00:52:20,659 --> 00:52:22,400
If you had any notes...
987
00:52:24,837 --> 00:52:27,187
Samir Wassan
learned the hard way
988
00:52:27,231 --> 00:52:29,798
that sometimes,
getting everything you want
989
00:52:29,842 --> 00:52:32,192
means losing
everything you love.
990
00:52:32,236 --> 00:52:35,630
And after finally finding
himself on the verge
991
00:52:35,674 --> 00:52:37,371
of becoming somebody,
992
00:52:37,415 --> 00:52:39,808
he chose instead to once again
993
00:52:39,852 --> 00:52:41,854
be a nobody.
994
00:52:41,897 --> 00:52:44,161
In the end, Samir's final encore
995
00:52:44,204 --> 00:52:47,686
is a show you can
only buy a ticket to...
996
00:52:47,729 --> 00:52:49,688
in The Twilight Zone.
997
00:52:49,731 --> 00:52:52,473
Captioning sponsored by.
998
00:52:52,517 --> 00:52:55,868
Captioned by Media Access
Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
69418
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