Original subtitles

All right, Mom. Thanks for dropping me off.

Shall I wait for you?

No, um, Mohammed's gonna do his katb‐ketab right after prayer, so...

I don't understand. Why is he getting married before you?

Okay. I got to go. Hey.

Maybe you can find a girl in there.

I'm not gonna flirt with girls at the mosque.

Why not? The girls in there are high quality.

The mosque is for praying, it's not for picking people up.

It's, like, a bunch of families too, and you can't just

walk up to a Muslim girl and, like, start spitting game or something.

Wh‐What am I supposed to say? Like, "Hey, can I get your father's number?"

Yes. Why not?

I‐I got to go. I'm gonna be late.

Ramy, do you want to stay alone forever?

No, Mom, I‐I don't.

Just 'cause I'm not with someone doesn't mean I'm gonna be alone forever, okay?

I‐I'm... I'm just figuring it out, okay?

Hey.

Halal?

Listen, man, I don't know what you're talking about. I just...

Actually, I think we should just go catch prayers, 'cause...

I think God knows what's in my heart. I don't think I have to...

What the‐‐.

Welcome, beloved...

Today you are here as family and as intimate companions

to witness the joining of Mohammed and Yasmeen.

You're gonna die alone, bro. What?

Yeah. He's right, Ramy.

You're running out of options. Dude...

There's only two hot Muslim girls left in town,

and they'll be gone by the end of the year.

Are you talking about Fatima and Hadiya, bro?

Yeah. They are not hot.

To me they are. You need to get your eyes checked.

Go and get some LASIK. They're not hot.

You need to go outside of the network if you want to find quality.

Dude, I'm fine. It's not a big deal.

My cousin had to do that. It took forever, man.

Finally, my aunt found him a girl in Ohio.

- Look... - Yeah, but now he lives in Ohio.

Ohio sucks. Shh!

Okay‐Sorry. It's just...

Look, you need to find a girl ASAP, okay?

ASAP. You're getting old, bro,

and your hairline is not looking good. It's fine...

You're gonna be on Muslim Match, swiping through divorced chicks.

You're gonna be raising other people's babies.

All right, can we just stop, man? All right? I... There's nothing...

- Bro, it's way worse than I thought. - Listen!

- Stop, stop. It's fine. Listen... - It's not fine. You got a situation.

- Your curls are not gonna save you. - Okay, listen...

There's only so much they can cover.

I don't have to find a Muslim girl, all right?

I've actually been seeing this girl Chloe for a little bit, and it's going well.

No! Are you out of your mind? He must be!

White girls suck, bro. You can't keep dating 'em.

One, they're always walking around barefoot.

That's crazy. They have no morals.

No morals. And they're always jumping in stuff.

Always. What do you mean, "jumping in stuff"?

They're just jumping in stuff that's none of their business, man.

They skinny‐dip. You don't want a wife that skinny‐dips.

You want a wife that swims at normal times, with proper attire.

Not this nakedness. You need to find someone

who knows where you came from and what you believe in.

And someone who's hot.

Just have your parents hook it up. They keep tabs on everyone.

That's what I did. It's the best decision I made.

Shh!

I'm sorry, baby.

She's so hot.

My mom did that.

These guys are idiots. Hey.

But everything they said is true.

White girls suck.

You don't want to do that. You don't want to go down that road.

What are you doing? I was just...

Are you... Is that the condom that we just used?

Yeah, I was just, you know... Cleaning it? Or...

I was just checking if there was any holes in it. You know...

Why would there be a hole?

You ever see the way they ship these things? It's, like, on a truck.

There's, like, a bunch of dudes. And, like, who are those dudes?

Like, I don't know them, you don't know... You know?

So this just... just to make sure that there isn't a faulty one.

And you do this, like, every time we have sex?

Yeah, I mean, it just... it just takes a sec.

I don't know why, but I feel, like, kind of offended.

Chloe, this doesn't have to get weird, okay?

Oh, I'm making it weird?

No, no. There's... There's nothing to worry about.

It's just... It's just so that we don't have to worry.

Even if, like, something crazy happened,

you know I'm on the Pill, right?

And if the Pill didn't work, we'd do the responsible thing

and, like, take care of it.

Yeah, but we can't just take care of it, right?

I mean, we don't even really know what it is.

I mean, look, I'm‐I'm totally

pro women getting to choose what to do with their bodies.

I am. But I'm Muslim, so I'm just

pro us not having to make that choice.

No, like, you're Muslim, I thought, in the way that I'm Jewish.

Like, it's a cultural thing.

I didn't know that you were Muslim‐Muslim.

Yeah. You drink.

Religious Muslims don't drink.

I actually... don't drink.

The other night we out at the bar, and you bought the entire table drinks.

Yeah, but mine was a Coke.

Tonight I asked you, "Do you want another glass of wine?"

You were like, "No, I'm at my limit."

Well, I was at my limit.

My limit's just none,

'cause I'm Muslim.

Oh. Okay.

So you get girls drunk

and stay sober so you can sleep with them.

What? That feels kind of date‐rape‐y.

That's not what I do. That's not date‐rape‐y.

If anything, I'm taking alcohol out of the equation.

I'm like a designated driver.

I'm your... like a‐like, a friend.

So why are you hiding everything from me?

Look, Chloe, it's just...

I've met girls who seem open‐minded,

and then they're not.

- And you think that's me. - No, I... no, I just...

I thought maybe you'd be into the idea of me being culturally different

but hate that I actually believe in God.

I don't care that you're Muslim.

I care that you've been lying to me.

This Muslim Tinder is awesome.

Dude, why did you swipe "no" on her?

You're swiping "no" on all the girls that have scarves.

Dude, no, it's just, she's not my vibe. You're a fuckin' racist.

How is that racist? Head scarf's not a race,

it's‐it's something that people wear.

Oh, I love when they're all covered from their head to their toe like that.

Yo, that mystery is sexy. That's disgusting.

Have you ever dated a Muslim girl?

No, I haven't, and... that's‐that's why I'm doing this.

I'm trying to meet someone, you know, different.

You're such a racist. How is that racist, dude?

Islam's not a race, it's‐it's something you believe in.

You don't believe in shit.

- Right. Don't... Right. - I don't... I don't like her.

How do you know? How do you know? If I went right, that would be racist.

You're looking at a picture. That would be racist,

'cause I don't like her. You're looking at a picture.

That's the whole point of this thing. You're a shallow fuck.

Thank you.

Yep, yep.

You know, uh, Mohammed's katb‐ketab was really nice the other day.

Yeah, she's cute.

Big nose.

I thought you were gonna come, Dena.

Nah.

Well... it was really cool,

just... seeing him so happy, you know, that he found someone.

When Allah wills it, it is easy.

Yeah, so I was thinking...

maybe it's time that Allah wills it for me.

What? Habibi!

You know, like, to... be with someone?

Are you fucking kidding me?

You had one lonely day

at a wedding, and now you want Mom to set you up?

- This has nothing to do with you. - Of course it does.

If you get married, they're gonna start putting pressure on me to start a family

and stare at my stomach like it's the answer to their midlife crisis.

I don't need that shit right now. Calm down.

- You don't even have a real job. - What?

You do nothing at a start‐up that does nothing.

Habibti, they are starting up. Give them a chance.

- Thank you, Mom. - Ramy...

What are you doing?

Being with a Muslim woman

is not an easy thing.

You have to take her seriously, hmm?

She's not like, uh, the others, hmm?

Are you sure you are ready for something like that?

My little man became a big man!

Bullshit. You're just filling this void

inside of you with a woman, and it's ruining my life.

Fuck you, Ramy. Stupid bitch.

Dena! I mean, she's... she's out of control.

So who is she? Yeah.

I actually haven't met anyone yet. I... I thought that you guys could hook it up.

"Hook it up"?

Yeah. Do you know anyone?

Who do I know?

I don't know anyone. I know who you know.

We'll find you a girl, whoever you want.

Do you want her covered, uncovered? You tell me.

Um...

uncovered.

Good choice.

Mom, please don't call me that anymore. Yeah.

We have to find you one before you lose your hair like...

So, have you lived in Jersey your whole life?

No, no. You're here for her, not me.

I'm just the chaperone. Pretend I'm not even here.

Okay. Nour, uh, you're from Jersey?

Born and raised.

My mom said that, uh, you're an accountant.

Yeah. My mom said you worked in a start‐up or something.

Ye‐‐ Too much small talk. More personal.

So how did you pick this restaurant?

You think because I'm Egyptian, I like to eat Egyptian food?

You know, I just figured you probably had a lot of homemade Egyptian food,

but I really wanted you to taste it when it's made by...

the Russian guys in the kitchen here.

Yeah, no, the bread here is actually...

- Yo! Fuckin' Ramy! Look at this guy! - This motherfucker!

How you doin'?

Bro, we haven't seen you in forever!

- How's it going? - You too good to call my sister?

Get out of here! Yo, how you doin?

My name's Joey. This is Johnny. How's it going?

Hi. I'm Nour. You guys try the falafels yet?

They're bomb as shit. Come on. Bomb as fuckin' shit.

I wouldn't lie about that. Unbelievable. What are you guys up to?

What's going up? Just... hanging out.

Ah, no. What you're actually doing is coming with us to Dante's.

We got a big group. Gonna dance a little bit.

Sure, yeah. Maybe we'll just, like, meet you there later.

You want to meet these people at Dante's?

No, no, no. I‐I was just... Listen to me.

You don't want to go to Dante's on a Friday.

What you want to do is go to P. J.'s.

Very hard to get into. Tell the guy

at the door you know Masoud.

He'll get you in. All right, thanks.

You know, it sounds like it's really hard to get into.

It is. And I feel like

they really need you right now.

Yeah, uh, you know, they probably need a connection to get in.

That's true.

It took me many years to get an "in" at P. J.'s.

No, no, listen. It's no problem. Wait, wait. What's happening?

No, no. I insist. I'll be your chaperone.

Huh? Let's go. Little funny. All right. Okay.

Be good, Ramy.

Relax a little bit, man.

You're carrying a lot of tension.

You seem like a good guy,

but she's not gonna see the real you if you're so wound up.

Okay.

Wow.

Oh, so your cousin's a...

- Yeah. - Really interesting guy.

He's not really my cousin. He's just one of those, you know...

- Oh, like an Arab cousin? - Yes.

Yeah, just, like, anyone that your dad's ever met.

Yeah. His dad fixed my dad's transmission two years ago, so...

Oh, yeah, no, that's definitely a cousin. He might even be an uncle,

just 'cause the transmission's such a big part of the car.

I mean, that's... that's family forever.

Look, I know it was terrible,

but the day the Muslim ban happened, I had a really good day.

Oh, come on. Like, personally, you know?

It was just, like, one of those days. Remember, the weather was great.

I killed it at this meeting.

I found a Metro card that had $120 on it.

Okay, wow. That doesn't happen.

Yeah, that sounds like a really good day.

It was weird, 'cause I'm watching the news

and this guy on TV is like, "This is a terrible day for all Muslims."

I'm like, "Well, not all Muslims."

You know what? You're right. Because I have this, um, uncle

that lives in Libya, and he was supposed to come live with us,

and then the Muslim ban happened, and he's still in Libya.

See? It was a good day for you too. Yeah.

And he was supposed to take my room too.

Oh! He was gonna make you a refugee?

Yeah, and that room is, like, really important to me.

'Course. I have a lot of memories in there.

NSYNC posters. Mm.

My dad gave us the sex talk in that room.

Oh, man. What was yours like?

It was, like, pretty standard Arab dad talk, you know?

He got us all in the room, and then he said,

"Girls, no boys. Boys, no boys,"

and then he just walked out the room. Wow.

That's, like, really efficient. It's, like, everything,

but he found a way to just... zone in on it.

So, for something my mom helped set up, this wasn't too bad.

Yeah. I mean, Tinder doesn't really have shit on our moms.

We should do this again. Yeah, definitely.

Right?

Get home safe, okay?

What, I don't get a good‐night kiss?

I just... I wasn't sure if you did that.

- If I kissed? - I mean, I'm sure you kiss.

I just didn't know if, you know, because we're, like, a...

Let's get in my car.

Okay.

Whoa, whoa.

You all right? Yeah.

Okay, good.

Do you have a condom?

Uh, yeah, but, um...

What, you don't want to have sex? Yeah, but I‐I...

I didn't know if‐if you could, you know, just 'cause we're not married.

Oh, I‐I didn't even know you were that strict.

I mean, yeah, we can get married. Um, my cousin does, like,

nikahs over the phone if you want to do, like, a temporary marriage.

There's this imam she uses... No, no, no. I'm not...

I don't think we should try and, like, trick God or whatever.

I just think maybe we should,

you know, slow down?

Oh, okay. Yeah, we can take it slow. Yeah?

Yeah, of course. Okay.

Yeah, there are other things we can do. Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, right there.

Yeah.

Choke me while I finger myself.

- What? - I want you to choke me.

Um... Use both hands.

Um... okay.

Are you sure? Yeah.

Okay. Harder.

Okay.

Like, actually harder. It's not a massage.

Yeah, yeah, okay. Um...

Yeah.

I...

No, no. Hey.

Don't stop.

What? I don't want to do this.

No, what? Why? I'm not into choking. I don't...

I don't want to choke you.

Oh, God.

God, you're so full of shit. What?

It's not the choking that's the problem. Look, it's just our first date,

and I feel like maybe this is happening...

What, you don't hook up on the first date?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Look, this is, like, just throwing me for a loop a little bit.

I didn't think that a girl like you was gonna want to, like...

A girl like me?

Look, we had this, like, really nice night,

and you felt weirded out by the idea of kissing me.

I get it if you don't want to have sex, but...

I'm, like, in this little Muslim box in your head,

and I'm the wife or the mother of your kids, right?

I'm not supposed to cum.

Okay, I'll choke you.

God just get out of my car. No, I‐‐.

Just...

I don't know what I'm doing, man.

Like...

I look at my parents and how strong they are

and how they just know everything's gonna be okay, always,

'cause they have God.

And I believe in God.

I really do, man. There's too many signs.

Like, one time this girl texted me

two minutes after I jerked off to her Facebook photo.

We didn't talk for months, and then out of nowhere,

she texted me "'Sup?"

Like, you're gonna tell me this shit isn't all connected?

I know it is.

And, yeah, I have sex even though I'm not married,

and I'm probably gonna try mushrooms one day.

So what? That means I'm not a good Muslim?

Like, I can't do it 'cause I don't follow

all the rules and the fucking judgments

that are always just being put on us?

And then...

I do the same thing.

I put the same fucking judgments on everyone around me.

I'm just, like, trying to be... good.

Do you...

Do you really think God cares if I wash between my toes?

You jerk off too much.

It's no good.

No good at all.

And wash between your toes.