Original subtitles

.

- "Will & Grace" is recorded in front of a live audience.

- Okay, Daddy. We'll see you soon.

They're ten minutes away. My dad stopped for a hot dog.

- But I'm making dinner!

- Don't make a big thing about it!

- Our first meal together since your dad married my mom,

and he ruins it by eating beforehand?

Who does that?

Grace, I'm making dinner!

- Don't make a big thing about it!

Hey, look, don't stress. It's all good.

We're taking care of both parents in one swoop.

- Yeah, that's true.

It'll be nice to connect with your dad

and for you to bond with my mom.

- Well, I'm already close with your mom.

- Yeah, you're listed in her phone

as Will's Jewish friend.

[door shuts]

- Sorry, I'm just having a tough day.

I just...need to see a friendly face.

Hello, beautiful.

- Who's the fairiest of them all?

- Is everything all right?

- Thank you.

Thank you for asking.

You've always been the nice one, Grace.

Just emotionally, I'm just--

you know, I'm kind of in the weeds.

- Your wedding stressing you out?

- Yeah, and my play, "Gaybraham Twinkin',"

which "Time Out" magazine called

"3 1/2 hours long."

- It's that long?

- It was four, but I cut out the scene

of Abe manscaping.

But it still isn't enough time to cover the relationship

between Abe and his gay lover, Joshua--

Wait, you said you saw it.

- We did. - And we loved it.

- Prove it.

If you saw it, how was I?

- So good. - So good.

- Okay, you saw it.

But I don't even care!

I'm more worried about my wedding.

- I thought Karen was helping you with the planning.

- That's the problem.

She's doing everything,

and because she's paying for it,

I don't get anything I want.

- Well, what's something you want

that she won't let you have?

- Can I show you? - Yeah.

Is that a-- - It is.

A unicorn dessert station.

You choose your unicorn-themed cakes,

mini-cakes, and profiteroles here,

and then when you get to the unicorn's horn--

- It doesn't. [cork pops]

- It does!

It shoots out marshmallow fluff!

Out of its horn!

All over your face!

It's what I dreamed of having at my wedding

ever since I was a little boy.

- Okay, first of all, that is gross.

- And you'll be first in line.

- Hell yes!

Jack, come on!

If you want it, just put your foot down.

- [sighs] I can't. She's paying.

- It's your wedding.

- I don't know. I'll do something.

Look, I have to get to the theater.

That is my life, after all.

- All right, well,

break a leg.

- What a horrible thing to say.

[door shuts]

[upbeat trumpet and piano music]

♪

- Martin, how's the brisket?

- Good! Very good.

- Mm-hmm. - So, Mom.

Mom.

Marilyn?

- Yes, Grace.

- S-so now that you and Dad are living in the city,

you think you're gonna sell the Connecticut house?

- Oh...I don't know.

It's very personal.

- I get that. I suppose if I lived

in one house for as many years--

- No, no, dear, your question is very personal.

- I say we dump it.

Who wants to live in Connecticut?

It's so goyish. The state flower is mayonnaise.

- Oh, the city is exciting.

We saw Nathan Lane last week, buying gum!

- Mm!

- Oh, why not? Let's sell it.

- Well, you made that decision kind of fast, didn't you, Mom?

I mean, I grew up in that house.

Dad gave up on me in that yard.

- Well, if Martin's not crazy about it,

why hang on to it?

Oh, besides, we could use the money

to buy a summer place.

- You want a summer place? - It might be nice.

Maybe something in Connecticut.

- All right, we'll do it!

both: Mwah.

- You see?

That's the secret to a happy marriage.

Not communication and date nights.

Acceptance.

No fighting. Just accept.

- So what are you saying, you two don't fight?

- Well, that was what our first marriages were about.

Now we prefer to be happy.

- Mm. Ah. Ooh. - What?

- Daddy? Are you all right?

- Yeah, maybe the brisket was a little spicy.

- Nothing spicy in it.

- I thought it was spicy too, dear.

- Ooh. Maybe a hot pepper.

- There's no peppers in it.

- Maybe a shard of glass.

- Yes, well, the recipe did call for a cup of diced glass.

- Ah! - All right, that's it.

We're going to the hospital. Come on.

- Where--where's his coat?

- Uh, it's on the couch, Mom.

- Now, where's his coat?

- Mom, it's on the couch.

- Oh, he's gonna get cold.

Somebody tell me where his coat is.

- Coat is on the couch, Marilyn.

- Thank you, Grace.

I don't know why that was so hard.

.

[upbeat piano music]

♪

- ♪ Joshua, oh, Joshua

♪ I love you, but, oh, my gosh-ua! ♪

♪ What do you think of me?

♪ Me for your thoughts

♪ Me for your thoughts ♪

♪ If you like 'em tall and round ♪

♪ Then pick me up off the ground ♪

♪ I'm a penny!

So that'll replace the shadow puppet sequence,

which the police made me cut.

- Good idea, honey. Keep changing it up.

It's what keeps me and the homeless man

who takes a dump in the lobby coming back.

- Okay, now I'm gonna run lines for the scene

where Gaybraham tells a sleeping Mary Todd

that he's taking a fairy to Provincetown.

And that fairy is his lovah, Joshua Speed.

[phone ringing]

- What's up, wedding planner?

A unicorn?

That sprays what?

Out of its where?

All over your huh?

Well, who the hell asked for that?

- That was me.

Uh, I just thought it'd be a hoot, you know, if-

- Yeah, no, Poodle, it's ticky-tacky.

And besides, I am paying for everything, so yeah.

Just do what you did for Donald's inauguration,

but we're expecting a few more people.

- Karen, maybe this one time, we could just--

- Paying. - It's just that--

- For. - Shouldn't we have--

- Everything. - [sighs]

- Honey! Trust me.

I know what's best for you.

- But you don't understand.

My whole life, I have dreamed of a unicorn that shoots out--

[phone buzzes, dings] Come...on!

Rory's sister can't make it tonight.

She's my Mary Todd!

"Jack, due to circumstances beyond my control,

I don't want to do the show anymore."

Great.

The one night I have an esteemed critic

from "Butt" magazine coming.

Two thumbs up from him could make or break a show.

- Honey, can't you just talk to a pile of pillows

or ask Doug the Bum to step in?

- I don't know. I feel weird asking Doug.

He has a Tony.

- All right.

Here's what's going to happen.

I'm going to play Mary Todd.

- Oh, my God, you would do that for me?

Because it's super easy. All you have to do

is lie there in bed with your eyes closed

and pretend like you're sleeping.

- Oh. Honey, no prob.

That's what I used to do with Stan

when he wanted to go to fifth base.

You know... wouldn't it be better

if Mary Todd had a couple of lines?

- [laughs]

It's a one-man show.

- And I'm the one man paying for it.

- [laughs]

And I appreciate that. I do.

But this play's very important to me,

and I want it to be done just the right way.

- Uh, let me get this straight.

You want it to be done... just the right way.

- Yeah. - Okay.

Well, I think we're on the same page.

- Oh. [laughs]

Phew. - [chuckles]

- I don't usually win these standoffs with you.

- No.

You usually don't.

- Here. - Thanks.

Gosh.

This worked out so perfectly.

My dad has AB-negative blood. You're AB-negative.

- I know, and I've been wanting to bond with your dad.

Now I'm gonna donate my blood.

I'll literally be inside your father.

- You want to rephrase that? - So much. So much. Yeah.

Well, this hero is off to save a life.

Maybe I'll stop by the children's ward

on the way back.

They'd like that.

- Hey, Daddy. How are you feeling?

- Eh, trying to figure out how to swap this bag

for a bottle of Chivas.

Where's Marilyn?

- Oh, she's just filling out

some forms for the blood.

- Oh, I'm surprised they had my type.

- Oh, you must've been asleep.

Will's giving you blood.

- Will? - Yeah.

He's AB-negative also. I mean, isn't that amazing?

- Well... - "Well" what?

- I'm not taking Will's blood.

- Why? - You know why.

- Because he's gay? - Well, yeah!

- Daddy! - Look.

I know about these things.

There's a certain risk, okay?

- He gets tested.

Plus, they screen the blood. It's safe.

- Yeah, forget about it.

I'll wait for the straight blood.

- The straight blood.

Daddy, that's the most offensive thing

I've ever heard you say.

And I've gone on

the It's a Small World ride with you.

- Please, Grace, stop, okay?

I don't want to do this with you.

We did the MeToo thing. There was learning.

I heard you.

But this is not the time.

- [scoffs]

What am I supposed to tell Will?

- Let him think I took his blood.

That's why Marilyn and I are so happy.

We don't have to discuss every little thing.

- Okay, uh, Mr. Adler, have you taken

any recreational drugs in the last 24 hours?

- No.

- Great, I'll give you 20 bucks

to fill this up with your urine.

Thanks.

.

- There.

Another log on the fire should keep you warm, Mary Todd.

And while you slumber,

I steal away with my beloved Joshua

for a "work weekend" in Provincetown.

It's important to make the distinction--

- I say hit the gym.

I've seen you with your shirt off.

[laughter]

- Mary Todd. - [grunts]

- She must be talking in her sleep.

Which she oughtn't hadn't better be doing!

Where was I? Uh...beach, top, bottom.

Oh, yeah.

And now...

I must pack my beards.

But which beard shall I bring with me?

Not this one.

Our carriage shall arrive at any--

- I'm going with you.

We can stop and go antiquing,

which will probably be a lot cheaper

because everything's new.

- Nay, Mary Todd.

You cannot-eth come.

Now, back to bed.

- Ah!

Yeah? And who's paying for it?

In fact, who's paying

for your whole P-Town sausage party?

Why, it's me, Mary Todd.

I'm paying for everything.

- Mary Todd-- - Paying.

- It's just that-- - For.

- Shouldn't we have-- - Everything!

- That's it!

I don't want your money!

I don't want you to pay for my play!

I don't want you to pay for my damn wedding!

To Joshua.

[freewheeling piano music]

♪

- Hey! How's your dad doing?

- Good. Great, actually.

They're gonna release him this afternoon.

- Really? Well, maybe that's 'cause he's got my blood

coursing through his veins.

- Will. - Hey, keep an eye on him.

Side effects may include compulsive tweezing,

overdeveloped quads...

And the urge to take shirtless selfies

in front of national monuments.

- My dad didn't use your blood.

- What?

- He had a problem with...

He didn't want to use your blood.

- Ah.

Right.

Well, I...

am off to bed.

- Will, I get it, and the second

he is feeling better,

you need to lay into him.

He has to understand--

- He thinks how he thinks.

I'm not gonna say anything.

- Are you kidding? Since when are you defeatist?

- Don't do that. - What? Aren't you mad?

- No, Grace.

I'm tired.

W-why do I have to lead the fight?

What, every time somebody says something remotely antigay,

I have to jump in?

I've marched. I've written the checks.

I've made the calls.

But every time you think

you can exhale and have your big gay party,

somebody tells you

they won't bake your cake.

I'm not being defeatist.

I just don't want to

have to defend who I am

all the time.

I want a day off.

Your dad's not gonna change, Grace,

so accept it.

I hear that's the secret of a happy relationship.

[mellow piano music]

♪

- Honey, are you still mad at me?

I'm not even sure what happened.

Maybe it was my fault. Maybe it was yours.

Often, it's the writing.

Do you really not want me to come to your wedding?

- Interesting. That's the first time you asked what I want.

- Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

It's just that I love you so much,

I want everything to be perfect for you--

your play, your wedding.

I guess I've always thought of you as...

Oh, this is... really hard to say.

I've always thought of you as my...

- Son?

- Not exactly.

No, more like a little sister

who we dressed as a boy

until she became a boy.

- But, Karen, it's only a perfect wedding

if it's my perfect.

- Honey, I hear you.

But it would kill me not to be able to come to your wedding.

- Of course you'll come.

- Thanks, honey.

Do you think you two queerbaits

could still find it in your hearts

to let me pay for it?

I sure would like to be the gal who's responsible

for giving everyone a face full of sweet sticky cream.

- Oh, my God, this is gonna be the most beautiful wedding.

- [gasps]

- Hey, tonight wasn't a total disaster.

The arts critic from "Butt" magazine

said he wants to give me a plug and a spread.

[upbeat music]

♪

[dog barks]

♪

.

- To my William.

Oh, we are so grateful

for everything you've done.

Well, maybe not the, uh, spicy meal

that put Martin in the hospital.

- Salt. The spice was salt.

- But definitely your giving your blood to him.

You saved my husband's life.

- You're a hell of a guy. - Yeah. Happy to help.

- Oh, my God. - Grace.

[device pings] - Mm!

I gotta take a pill.

[device pings] Oh!

I gotta take two pills.

Have I sold you kids yet on getting old?

'Cause it's great!

- I'd like to give him a pill. - Stop.

- Why are you two being so snippy?

Oh, is it because I didn't thank you in my toast, Grace?

Because you really didn't do that much.

- Everything's fine, Mother. - It's not fine.

Your husband refused to take Will's blood.

- Grace. - What?

- Because he's gay.

- Is that true, Will?

Did he say that?

- Yeah.

- Is there an issue? - Of course not.

- Well, why? Why didn't you tell me?

- I'm just taking a page from your book, Mom.

Life is easier when everything's not a fight.

Look, it's done.

We don't have to talk about it.

- Of course.

[toilet flushes] - Why is it your soaps

never look like they've been used?

- You awful, awful man.

- It's just an observation.

- You refused to take my son's blood?

- Mom, you don't have to-- - Oh, yes, I do.

We are going to have a big,

bold, loud, ethnic fight right now!

Grace, this is your area.

What do I do next?

- Just go for it.

And throw in something you'll regret.

I always do.

- You should be ashamed of yourself!

And you should be too, Will.

- Me? - Yes.

There are some things in life that you have to fight about.

- You know, everyone seems to forget,

I just got out of the hospital.

And I had to give that nurse a urine sample!

And two of her friends!

I need some air!

- Oh, no, you come back here!

I have more to say!

- Oh, yes, you do.

- Hey, guys.

Guys.

Thank you both.

But you're right.

I need to do this part.

- Boy, that was a rush.

Must be what an Italian feels like.

- Wonderful. Time for another lesson for the old man.

I don't want to hear it.

- Yeah, well, I don't want to say it.

- Look, I was in the hospital.

I wasn't comfortable.

It was nothing personal.

- It's the most personal thing in the world!

I was trying to help you, Martin.

But I guess 'cause I'm gay, I'm not, what, clean?

- Come on. You're freakishly clean.

Is there anything in your house that hasn't been washed twice?

- Well, your daughter,

but that's a different conversation.

- Come on.

A blood transfusion from a gay man?

I thought there were rules.

- Oh, there are.

In order to donate my blood, I had to lie on the form

and say that I've been celibate for a year,

even though I've been in a committed

monogamous relationship and HIV-negative.

- You lied on the form? So I was right.

- No, you're not, because the law

is based on fear, not science.

Trust me, nobody spends more of their lives

thinking about being safe than gay men.

We get tested and retested.

On a first date, we swap medical histories

the way straight people swap pictures of themselves

at the same Ed Sheeran concert.

And even when we have nine kinds of proof,

we're still told we're tainted.

And to hear that from someone that I care about,

well, that's a punch in the gut.

- I am not a bad person. - I know.

You made a misguided choice based on bad information.

You're every woman that gets bangs.

- I guess the good news is that

all the old, ignorant farts of the world will be gone soon.

- Not good enough. You're here now, Martin.

You gotta keep growing.

And I gotta keep fighting.

Nobody gets a day off.

- Sounds exhausting.

I'm sorry, Will.

I love you, you know that.

- I do.

I love you too.

- I promise to take your blood

next time you try to kill me with spicy food.

- It was plain meat boiled for eight hours!

You ever think maybe it was that hot dog you ate?

- Nah. I've had three of those every day for 30 years.

- You did great, Marilyn.

- Thank you.

And you can call me Mom.

- Really?

- Yeah, but just when we're alone.

- Oh.

- And, uh, will you try to read my mood first?

[upbeat piano music]

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