Original subtitles

( harmonica wails )

Mrs. Conner, have you seen this book?

This is everything you need to know about your baby.

I don't need a book, I watch kathy lee.

All I want is a book that'll teach my kid

To kick her cody's ass.

Don't make fun of it. There's a lot of really useful information in here.

Okay, yeah. Here, let me pick out a page. I'll point to something,

Ask me a question and see if I don't already know it.

- oh. - what? Say it.

Well...

Are you preparing for lactation

By toughening your nipples?

Yes, I am.

I'm using them to grate cheese.

Roseanne, there's something I need to tell you,

But before I do, I just want you to bear in mind

That calmer heads will prevail.

- what is it? - the diner's going down.

We are going out of business. We're going to lose everything--

All of our money, our future-- we're dead.

We are dead. We are dead.

That restaurant across the street is opening tomorrow,

And i'm telling you, I peeked in the window today, it is spectacular.

The competition is going to kill us.

Oh, come on, every time somebody takes over that restaurant

It's more pathetic.

Remember when it was "french ed's"?

Roseanne...

Take a look at this ad.

These people have money.

Wow, a full page?

This looks like a really nice place.

Mrs. Conner, you should put an ad in the paper.

Save the advice, David, and just keep sitting there

And trying to grow that chia goatee.

Roseanne, I am really worried.

Don't worry about the restaurant. We're gonna be fine.

What if we're not? Then what are we gonna do?

Then we'll just dust off the old g-string

And tap dance our way back into america's heart.

( theme music playing )

( Roseanne laughs )

Now that's a grand opening. Look at that crowd.

I think you guys are forgetting

That our grand opening was pretty cool too.

Guessing how many beans were in d.J.'s nose?

It was only disgusting.

Hey, people could not believe

That he could get 12 in there.

That saved us a chevy cavalier.

Okay, now who's that over there signing autographs?

- is that some celebrity? - oh my god, oh my god,

Oh my-- oh my-- that is-- that's...

Tv's schneider from "one day at a time."

With the jeans, the tool belt,

The rolled-up sleeves--

It all still works for him.

- i'm back from across the street. - good. Give us the report.

Okay, you're not gonna believe this.

Did you know that schneider directed

The series finale of "one day at a time"?

Remember that scene when julie tells barbara

She'll always be there for her?

I cried.

Nancy, you were sent over there to spy,

And apparently your cover as a moron

Was flawless.

But what was really cool was I thought the guy was dead, but he wasn't.

Anyway...

The restaurant is really nice.

They stay open till midnight,

And they have a really great salad bar.

A salad bar? ( chuckles )

Obviously they're not from around here.

This is a loose meat kind of a town.

We are not some california tofu-eating

Nordictracking freaks that wanna live past 50.

They also have a clean kitchen,

Napkins on the table,

And this weird sign in the bathroom that says,

"all employees must wash their hands."

I'm not making this up.

I bet they don't reuse their straws.

I am telling you...

This is not another french ed's.

These people have it together.

Wake up!

We do not have to worry about losing our customers.

Our customers have to come back.

They need the salt.

I brought a sample of the food.

Schneider was giving this away.

God, he is so nice.

They call this their western skillet sandwich.

Uh-oh.

Western skillet sandwich, my ass.

That is loose meat.

Those bastards stole our sandwich.

( spits ) god, it's delicious.

And I heard people saying

Theirs was less greasy than ours.

Oh. Well good, then we don't have anything to worry about.

No, they like it that way.

They think less grease is better.

What?

Why?

Oh my god, that's schneider.

Don't be taken in by the hollywood glitz, Jackie.

What do you want, glamour boy?

Just a cup of coffee, lovely lady.

I'm trying to get away from the maddening crowd. You're open, right?

Look, schneider...

Under different circumstances,

You and I, well, we might have been friends.

But you're with the enemy now,

And i'm gonna have to ask you to leave,

As much as I have enjoyed your performances

On television, and probably film.

- just wanted a cup of coffee. - and you probably wanted to get it for free,

Just because you're some big celebrity, right?

Well, let me tell you something, pal,

This is not wolfman puck's.

This is the Lanford lunch box

And hollywood types are not welcome here.

Not you, not streisand,

Not even the great don knotts.

I don't have to take this.

I've got "hollywood squares."

Roseanne...

You realize what you just did?

You just kicked out schneider.

Do you think I don't know what I did, Jackie?

Do you think that doesn't kill me?

Do you think that doesn't tear my heart out?

But, a war was started here today,

And we didn't fire the first shot.

This is so good.

Mrs. Conner, I know you want to compete with that restaurant,

But you can't just have me draw little red hearts

Next to the chili cheese fries and call it the light-and-healthy menu.

You're right, so why not draw a picture

Of a cancer-riddled colon? That'll draw 'em in.

Who's the strange yet voluptuous woman hanging out in my kitchen?

Hi, Dan.

Oddly, she knows my name.

I know, i'm sorry. I've been spending a lot of time at the diner,

But i'm gonna make it up to you.

( kisses, blows ) there, done.

Reenergized by his wife's affection, the husband goes out

To once again confront a hostile world.

Okay, mom, i'm ready to go kick butt at the other people's restaurant.

Is it really run by nazis?

Yes, son, it is.

And if it wasn't for them,

That whole lot would be a baseball field

For kids like you.

You know your line?

"no, there's glass in the salad.

Now don't use any more of those blood capsules,

Or you'll have to bite down on real glass.

Okay.

Roseanne, he's only 14.

That's the beauty of it. He can't do time.

And look, that restaurant doesn't know it yet,

But they are about to start on a brand-new campaign.

"will cook any pet."

I'm guessing you drew the little puppies and kittens, David.

( chuckles ) it's cute the way you made them dance.

They're in a frying pan.

Roseanne, look, i'll make a deal with you.

If you calm down until after the baby's born,

I'll let you shoot out tires from the porch.

Oh, poor Dan.

You feel like i'm neglecting you.

Sort of.

Well...

I didn't forget about your dinner, okay?

I brought you a whole bunch of sandwiches from the diner,

And guess what, they're healthy now.

Show him the menu, David.

Why don't I just get a job with the tobacco lobby?

Okay, Dan, here you go. Eat up.

'cause you didn't come by for lunch today, so you must be starving.

Actually, i'm still kind of full from breakfast.

Yeah, how could that be?

You only had a handful of franken berry and a kraft single.

I got something from the vending machines at work.

Man, them peanut-butter-and-cracker things are filling.

I ate them all day long. ( blows )

All day, huh?

Say, what number would those be on the vending machine?

I guess... B3?

That's wrong. That's the clark bar.

Try again.

- j6. - the o'henry. Any idiot knows that.

You ate at that restaurant, didn't you?

Roseanne, I would never.

The reason I didn't come into the diner today was because--

Well, it's just--

I'm having an affair.

Liar. You ate at that restaurant.

No, I swear, it's true. Look, lipstick on my collar.

That's ketchup.

All right, all right.

I had lunch there.

But it was just one time and it didn't mean anything to me.

I swear.

You're gonna make this up to me, Dan conner.

You and all your buddies from that garage

Are going over to that restaurant, you're sitting by the salad bar

And you're gonna french kiss all through lunch.

If you want to compete with these people,

Why don't you just offer good food at reasonable prices?

What, and stoop to their level? Never.

You need professional help that I just can't afford.

You know, they can come after me,

And they can come after my business,

But, by god, when they come after my family,

That is personal.

Damn, that looks good.

Everybody, come on. Let's try to get our second wind,

So we can get ready for the midnight rush.

The only rush we're gonna get at midnight

Is if we all stand up really fast.

Hey, i'm not finished.

Oh, sorry.

You know, this is ridiculous.

There is no reason for us to be here this late.

Yes, there is-- them.

If they stay open till midnight, we will stay open till 2:00.

If they put one of our men in the hospital,

We'll put one of theirs in the morgue.

Hey, what happened to the coffee?

( laughs hysterically ) what are you yelling at me for?

You know, yeah, I had a little coffee.

What's it to ya?

A person's working late, she needs a little boost.

You know, get off my back.

You know, Roseanne, we are not in competition with them.

Our chief rivals are the dumpsters behind mcdonald's

And tommy's house of organ meat.

I mean, not only do they have a drive-through window,

But they also have that salad bar,

For god's sakes.

Nobody is going to even remember their salad bar

When they find out about our waffle bar.

Roseanne, normal people

Don't want a waffle bar.

Normal people are appalled

At the idea of a waffle bar.

Why? We've got the good waffles.

We've got eggos.

Anyway, at least I came through with something.

What happened to the celebrity you promised me? Where's burt reynolds?

Doing "man of la mancha" in green bay.

But i'm pretty sure I can get keanu reeves.

Oh, how do you know keanu reeves?

Not important.

Okay, all right, the fat guy with the dog just left,

So that means they're down to two customers. We've got three,

So we win, we win!

No, you can't go. Please, sir, you can't go.

Have you tried our new waffle bar?

I don't want your stupid waffles.

I'm going across the street. They got cappuccino over there.

Well, great. Why don't you just go ahead and walk right over there,

You big bald-headed coffee-drinking queen?

Sit!

Okay, that's it. Good night.

I'm not sticking around for just two customers.

If you need me, here's my pager.

The number's right on the side.

They're staying open for two customers.

No no no no no. They are staying open

For their drive-through window business.

We don't have a drive-through window.

I realize that,

But we have a waffle bar.

But they have a drive-through window.

But we have the reputation

In this town.

Right, as the place

Without a drive-through window.

Fine, Leon, you want a drive-through window,

I'll give you a drive-through window.

Next!

Don't you think you've carried this competition thing

A little too far? Can't we just go home?

No, I mean, call me old fashioned,

But I do believe in standing up for what's right.

That's the american way. That's why we're breaking in here tonight.

I am an ex-cop.

I swore to uphold the law.

Well, you also swore to stay married to Fred.

Face it, you're evil. Let's milk it.

Oh, Roseanne, look at this place. We're finished.

Look at this.

"no shoes, no shirts:

No service."

Well, la-di-da.

Clean and sparkly,

And it smells so lemony.

And what goes better with lemons

Than fish?

Rotting smelling fish.

I can't believe the grocery store was gonna throw those out.

( groaning ) ew!

Ew!

Here, Jackie, think fast.

Oh-oh-oh, Roseanne.

Hey, there's that damn salad bar.

What's that you say, little fella?

You wanna be in a spot close to the anchovies?

Now go,

- be with your people. - ( ice rattling )

Come on, let's go in the kitchen.

Oh, it's so clean.

Yeah, forget county hospital, i'm having the baby here.

Well, let's get started.

First, a little mood lighting.

Roseanne.

Hey.

Oh, I found the perfect spot.

No, don't don't. No, you're gonna hurt yourself.

Come on, Jackie. It's not like this is the first time

I've ever done anything like this.

I just need to reach up here

To this...

Oh, oh my god.

- oh my god. - what?

- oh my god. - what?

- oh my god! - what what?

- oh my god! - what what?

I'm stuck!

- you're stuck? - yeah.

- get me out of here. - don't don't don't.

Just-- just calm-- just relax.

Now just go limp

And then you'll slide right out of there.

( both scream )

How did you get stuck?

By my boobs. They folded down on the way up,

But then they locked like those toggle bolts.

All right, all right, this is the plan:

I am gonna flee the scene. You fend for yourself.

- don't. - you're not going anywhere.

You'd better pray my water doesn't break.

I will-- i'll get you out.

I will get you out.

Just-- I know.

I'll turn on the stove and then the metal in the vent will expand.

- i'm standing on the stove! - oh, yeah.

It's amazing to have your head stuck in a vent

And still not be the stupidest person in the room.

Okay, i've... I have an idea.

I'm gonna use this crisco to grease you out of the chimney.

Did you hear what I just said?

I'm going to use this crisco

To grease you out of the chimney.

Roseanne, we should just face it--

This place is gonna beat us.

- we should just give up. - no, we're not giving up.

- Roseanne. - i'm not giving up.

I've been through this once already. Remember that motorcycle shop?

- i'm not gonna let that happen with the diner. - Roseanne.

Stop petting me. You're making me feel self-conscious.

Okay, i'm gonna...

I'm gonna lube you up now.

And...

And then i'm gonna try and pull you out...

On the count of three, okay?

- are you ready? - yeah.

All right. One,

Two,

- three. - ( screams )

Jeez, half of illinois probably thought

They were hearing an air raid.

You should have heard it in here.

That's it. That is it.

I'm gonna call Dan.

You need somebody with a tool belt

And it's either gotta be him or schneider.

Oh, man, dan's been accusing me of being nuts all week

And this is just the sort of thing he'll twist to fit his argument.

Hey, what's that looking at me?

Shoo shoo!

You're not getting this fish.

( theme music playing )

I'm sorry about the whole restaurant bit. I lost my mind, I guess.

It's just I really care about this restaurant.

I don't wanna see it go down. I don't know.

I'm staring to go crazy, aren't I?

Sometimes I think, like, the whole world is doing

This great big choreographed dance around me

And i'm just standing there watching it.

We'll be okay. And nobody's doing

A big choreographed dance around you, all right?

( cash register tape rolling )

( tapping melodic tune )

What was that?

Never mind.

( theme music playing )