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1
00:00:05,238 --> 00:00:08,007
Okay, so we need brushes,lacquer, thinner,
2
00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:10,409
Turpentine,
polyurethane
and paint stripper.
3
00:00:10,410 --> 00:00:12,411
- anything else?
- nope.
4
00:00:12,412 --> 00:00:15,414
Remember though, that stuff
needs a lot of ventilation,
5
00:00:15,415 --> 00:00:18,050
So take all the lids off
in the car on the way home.
6
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:23,889
What?
7
00:00:23,890 --> 00:00:26,759
I'm sorry for staring
at you, Mrs. Conner,
8
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:30,863
But there's just something
about a pregnant woman
that's just so beautiful.
9
00:00:34,467 --> 00:00:37,169
- beautiful how?
- I don't know.
10
00:00:37,170 --> 00:00:40,172
You used the word
beautiful, you must
know what you mean.
11
00:00:40,173 --> 00:00:42,174
You're just beautiful,
that's all.
12
00:00:42,175 --> 00:00:45,411
Oh, really?
Is it my swollen ankles
13
00:00:45,412 --> 00:00:47,713
That you like, or...
14
00:00:47,714 --> 00:00:51,417
My varicose veins--
maybe they appeal to
your artist's eye, huh?
15
00:00:53,019 --> 00:00:56,321
Or maybe it's my haggard face
from lack of sleep.
16
00:00:56,322 --> 00:00:58,891
But I think the real
question here is,
17
00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:02,027
Is "beautiful"
strong enough a word?
18
00:01:02,028 --> 00:01:04,463
Thank you,
Mr. Conner,
19
00:01:04,464 --> 00:01:06,932
For telling me
to say that.
20
00:01:10,136 --> 00:01:13,339
- beautiful how?
- hey, d.J.,
21
00:01:13,340 --> 00:01:15,841
Your old room's just
about to be painted.
22
00:01:15,842 --> 00:01:18,744
Becky and Darlene
volunteered to help.
How about you?
23
00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:21,547
No way. I'm moving
across the hall and i'm
never looking back.
24
00:01:21,548 --> 00:01:23,816
So why announce it?
Nobody's gonna notice.
25
00:01:25,585 --> 00:01:28,687
Well, at least tell
your sisters to hurry up
with that drop cloth.
26
00:01:30,690 --> 00:01:33,425
It's just so great,
isn't it, Dan?
27
00:01:33,426 --> 00:01:36,895
Two girls all grown up,
volunteering to...
( sniffles )
28
00:01:36,896 --> 00:01:39,765
Help paint their
baby sister's nursery.
29
00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:42,634
Ohh!
30
00:01:42,635 --> 00:01:45,270
I remember that!
31
00:01:45,271 --> 00:01:49,141
How the pregnancy hormones
get you all sentimental.
32
00:01:49,142 --> 00:01:51,410
Go to hell, Jackie.
This ain't about you.
33
00:01:52,912 --> 00:01:56,582
Honey, honey, remember,
you like Jackie.
Jackie good.
34
00:01:56,583 --> 00:02:00,152
Though the nursery's
really coming along.
35
00:02:00,153 --> 00:02:02,554
You gonna fix
those dents in the wall
before you paint it?
36
00:02:02,555 --> 00:02:04,823
( chuckles )
oh, wow!
37
00:02:04,824 --> 00:02:06,859
You remember
these, Rosie?
38
00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:09,928
I sure do.
That's where Darlene
39
00:02:09,929 --> 00:02:12,231
Banged d.J.'s head
in the wall every year
40
00:02:12,232 --> 00:02:15,134
To show how tall
he'd grown.
41
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:18,103
You've got to promise me
you're not gonna paint
over those, Dan.
42
00:02:18,104 --> 00:02:20,172
Oh, I have to, honey.
43
00:02:20,173 --> 00:02:23,108
But remember,
we'll always have
the x-rays.
44
00:02:23,109 --> 00:02:25,778
Okay, I got to get going,
but now I have officially
returned
45
00:02:25,779 --> 00:02:27,880
All the baby clothes
that you lent me.
46
00:02:27,881 --> 00:02:31,083
- where's the rest
of the stuff?
- what do you mean?
47
00:02:31,084 --> 00:02:34,820
Going alphabetically,
after "clothes" comes "crib,"
48
00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:37,189
Unless you dropped off
some crab cakes.
49
00:02:37,190 --> 00:02:39,324
You want the crib back?
50
00:02:39,325 --> 00:02:42,294
Roseanne, my little andy
still sleeps in that crib.
51
00:02:42,295 --> 00:02:44,296
Well, let him hop
in bed with you.
52
00:02:44,297 --> 00:02:47,299
He's gonna be in therapy
for the rest of his life anyway.
53
00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:49,301
Fred moves out,
54
00:02:49,302 --> 00:02:51,937
My baby has no father
and now you want to
take away his bed?
55
00:02:51,938 --> 00:02:54,606
All right, fine. Keep it.
We'll buy another one.
56
00:02:54,607 --> 00:02:57,076
The thing was
a deathtrap anyway.
57
00:02:57,077 --> 00:02:59,278
Here, dad.
58
00:02:59,279 --> 00:03:01,447
This is all
I could find.
59
00:03:04,884 --> 00:03:07,152
Where in the hell
have you been?
60
00:03:09,456 --> 00:03:12,491
Don't yell at me, mother.
I was getting this.
61
00:03:12,492 --> 00:03:15,661
It took you long enough.
Seems like you've been
gone for three years.
62
00:03:17,630 --> 00:03:20,199
( theme music playing )
63
00:03:58,571 --> 00:04:00,506
( Roseanne laughs )
64
00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:10,949
Man, look at all this
useless yuppie crap.
65
00:04:10,950 --> 00:04:14,520
Oh, there's a whole new
world of baby products
out there now.
66
00:04:14,521 --> 00:04:16,822
Yeah, I don't remember
any of this kind of stuff
67
00:04:16,823 --> 00:04:19,024
When I had d.J.
68
00:04:19,025 --> 00:04:21,860
We bought d.J.
That rattle, and, uh...
69
00:04:24,130 --> 00:04:26,732
I guess it was
just the rattle.
70
00:04:26,733 --> 00:04:30,102
Hey, check out
the car seats.
71
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:33,806
The '96s are in!
72
00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:35,808
See, I don't need
one of those.
73
00:04:35,809 --> 00:04:38,911
I'll just use
that booster seat
I stole from denny's.
74
00:04:40,613 --> 00:04:42,981
What the hell's that?
75
00:04:42,982 --> 00:04:45,551
That is
a jogging stroller.
76
00:04:45,552 --> 00:04:48,253
Yeah, well, unless
the jogger comes with it,
77
00:04:48,254 --> 00:04:50,689
I don't want nothing
to do with it.
78
00:04:50,690 --> 00:04:52,891
Oh, man.
I wanted one
of these.
79
00:04:52,892 --> 00:04:55,060
See?
A wiper warmer.
See there?
80
00:04:55,061 --> 00:04:57,596
That keeps the little
baby wipes warm.
81
00:04:57,597 --> 00:04:59,898
What's a baby wipe?
82
00:04:59,899 --> 00:05:04,236
- here's the cribs.
- hey, that one's
pretty nice.
83
00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:07,072
Yeah, well,
it ought to be.
It's $499.
84
00:05:07,073 --> 00:05:09,308
God!
For that money,
I could buy her
85
00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:11,610
A used vega
to sleep in.
86
00:05:11,611 --> 00:05:14,413
Look at this.
This is $425.
87
00:05:14,414 --> 00:05:16,482
They're so fancy,
you know?
88
00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:18,884
The hampton,
the walden,
89
00:05:18,885 --> 00:05:21,220
The shenandoah.
90
00:05:21,221 --> 00:05:23,222
Well, find me
one called
91
00:05:23,223 --> 00:05:26,558
I-need-a-cheap-replacement-
'cause-my-sister-stole-mine.
92
00:05:26,559 --> 00:05:30,896
Maybe that would be
next to the one called
"the indian giver."
93
00:05:30,897 --> 00:05:33,065
Hi hi hi.
Well, here we are.
94
00:05:33,066 --> 00:05:36,735
We're shopping.
We're having fun.
Isn't this exciting?
95
00:05:37,971 --> 00:05:40,072
Well, what can I
help you with today?
96
00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:42,408
Well, it seems as if
97
00:05:42,409 --> 00:05:44,610
I have a baby
stuck inside me.
98
00:05:44,611 --> 00:05:47,079
Can you help me
with that?
99
00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:51,483
- we're just looking, thanks.
- although i'll take a beer
if you've got one.
100
00:05:51,484 --> 00:05:53,786
Is this your first?
101
00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:56,622
No, I had a couple
before I left home.
102
00:05:56,623 --> 00:05:59,191
You're fun!
( chuckles )
103
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:01,293
Well, listen,
if you need any help,
104
00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:03,662
Or you want to register
for your baby shower...
105
00:06:03,663 --> 00:06:07,633
Oh no no. No baby showers.
That's for women that are
happy they're having a baby.
106
00:06:07,634 --> 00:06:12,137
I'm only having this baby
to counterbalance
the mormon lady down the road.
107
00:06:12,138 --> 00:06:14,206
Besides,
all you really
need is the crib.
108
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:17,843
Yeah, but unfortunately
none of our friends
can waste $400
109
00:06:17,844 --> 00:06:20,145
On anything but
lottery tickets.
110
00:06:20,146 --> 00:06:23,649
Maybe i'll check back
with you later.
111
00:06:23,650 --> 00:06:25,651
Although...
112
00:06:25,652 --> 00:06:28,354
I do have 40 friends
113
00:06:28,355 --> 00:06:30,756
Who could each
afford about
114
00:06:30,757 --> 00:06:32,858
A crappy $10 gift.
115
00:06:32,859 --> 00:06:35,694
Uh, how lenient
116
00:06:35,695 --> 00:06:37,730
Is your
return policy?
117
00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:39,732
30 days
for store credit.
118
00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:43,769
All right.
This crib is mine
119
00:06:43,770 --> 00:06:45,838
And i'm having
that shower
120
00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:48,307
And i'm inviting
every sucker I know
121
00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:50,609
And i'm gonna
oversalt the popcorn
122
00:06:50,610 --> 00:06:52,811
So I can make
extra money on drinks.
123
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:57,983
Hey, yeah, okay.
The name's conner.
So here's what I want.
124
00:06:57,984 --> 00:07:01,653
I'll take
one of those
and, uh,
125
00:07:01,654 --> 00:07:05,290
Two of those
and four of those
baby-wipe warmers.
126
00:07:05,291 --> 00:07:07,693
Hey, this is cool.
It's a diaper genie.
127
00:07:07,694 --> 00:07:10,562
Oh, a diaper genie.
That's great.
128
00:07:10,563 --> 00:07:12,564
Any idea
what it does?
129
00:07:12,565 --> 00:07:14,533
- no.
- put this down.
130
00:07:20,573 --> 00:07:22,975
( humming )
131
00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:25,177
What are you
so happy about?
132
00:07:25,178 --> 00:07:28,414
I thought high school
was gonna be hard,
but this is gonna be great.
133
00:07:28,415 --> 00:07:31,550
I mean, look,
they made a mistake.
They put me in the dumb math.
134
00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:35,888
Oh please, d.J.,
you'll never make it
past lunch.
135
00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:39,658
All the switchblades in your
back will keep setting off
the metal detectors.
136
00:07:39,659 --> 00:07:41,760
No way!
Nobody'd do that!
137
00:07:41,761 --> 00:07:45,597
Yeah, you're right.
They probably wouldn't
let you keep their knives.
138
00:07:45,598 --> 00:07:48,067
Where the hell
have you been?
139
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:57,176
Why does everyone
keep saying that
to me?
140
00:07:57,177 --> 00:08:00,079
Hey, Becky,
Darlene says on my
first day of high school
141
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,281
I'm gonna get stabbed.
142
00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:04,750
- Darlene, what are
you telling him?
- yeah?!
143
00:08:04,751 --> 00:08:07,519
No one's gonna want
to come near him
after they've...
144
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:10,522
Pulled him naked out
of the lunchroom dumpster.
145
00:08:10,523 --> 00:08:12,925
I'm not going!
146
00:08:15,261 --> 00:08:17,563
Hey, sorry
I got held up.
147
00:08:17,564 --> 00:08:20,132
- how far'd you get
on the nursery?
- oh, i'm finished.
148
00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:22,668
Wow! You got
the whole thing done?
149
00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:24,937
That's not what I said.
I said "i'm finished."
150
00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:28,207
Here, you're used to laying
on your back. Why don't you
start with the ceiling?
151
00:08:29,876 --> 00:08:33,245
Come on, Darlene.
If we do it together, we can
finish in a couple hours.
152
00:08:33,246 --> 00:08:35,314
You volunteered us
to do this, not me.
153
00:08:35,315 --> 00:08:37,616
I would've bailed earlier,
but I ran into mom
154
00:08:37,617 --> 00:08:41,453
And she did that
hormonal weepy thing
and told me she loved me.
155
00:08:41,454 --> 00:08:44,156
Haven't developed
a defense for that yet.
156
00:08:44,157 --> 00:08:46,625
I can't believe this.
157
00:08:46,626 --> 00:08:49,294
You're just
gonna quit?
158
00:08:49,295 --> 00:08:52,131
All right,
i'll come help you
after I finish my book.
159
00:08:52,132 --> 00:08:54,266
Well, how far along
are you?
160
00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:57,803
"call me ishmael."
161
00:08:57,804 --> 00:09:02,007
Darlene, this isn't about
you for once. This is
about mom's other baby.
162
00:09:02,008 --> 00:09:03,942
I'm not gonna get
involved in anything
163
00:09:03,943 --> 00:09:06,345
That's gonna encourage
these people to procreate.
164
00:09:06,346 --> 00:09:08,580
- that's why i'm
so anti-alcohol.
- ( door opens )
165
00:09:08,581 --> 00:09:12,718
Why can't you just admit
that you don't care about
anyone but yourself?
166
00:09:12,719 --> 00:09:15,788
- don't start with me, blondie.
- oh, what's going on here?
167
00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:18,557
Just... Talking about
painting the nursery.
168
00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:21,460
You don't have
to paint the nursery anymore.
You've been reassigned.
169
00:09:21,461 --> 00:09:23,495
You guys are throwing me
a baby shower.
170
00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:25,631
A baby shower?
171
00:09:25,632 --> 00:09:27,466
Do we have to?
172
00:09:27,467 --> 00:09:30,736
No, you can throw me
a wedding shower or whatever
you want to call it,
173
00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:34,573
As long as the gifts
add up to 400 bucks.
174
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:38,344
Here you go.
Here's the guest list.
175
00:09:38,345 --> 00:09:41,480
Mother, there's like,
a thousand people
on this list.
176
00:09:41,481 --> 00:09:43,615
"ross perot"?
177
00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:47,786
- "oprah winfrey"?
- yeah see,
they don't know
178
00:09:47,787 --> 00:09:50,489
That they don't
know me.
179
00:09:50,490 --> 00:09:54,993
For my wedding, I got
a great bottle of wine
from spiro agnew.
180
00:09:54,994 --> 00:09:57,496
- but, mom--
- no buts about it.
181
00:09:57,497 --> 00:09:59,565
You two are ingrates.
182
00:09:59,566 --> 00:10:02,134
Don't you
remember all the times
I made you pudding?
183
00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:04,503
- okay, we'll do it.
- what?
184
00:10:04,504 --> 00:10:07,172
Eh, sure,
what the hell?
185
00:10:07,173 --> 00:10:10,242
Well?
186
00:10:10,243 --> 00:10:12,277
Fine,
we'll throw you
a shower.
187
00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:16,782
Oh.
That is just
so sweet.
188
00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:19,985
My two daughters,
189
00:10:19,986 --> 00:10:23,288
Working together
to give me a baby shower.
190
00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:25,290
Oh.
So great.
191
00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:27,726
I love you both
so much.
192
00:10:27,727 --> 00:10:30,229
I'm gonna have
to make you some pudding.
193
00:10:32,032 --> 00:10:34,767
Someday.
194
00:10:34,768 --> 00:10:37,469
What a basket case.
195
00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:40,539
When she hugged me,
I knew true fear.
196
00:10:42,375 --> 00:10:46,111
Well, I guess we should
decide who does what.
197
00:10:46,112 --> 00:10:50,049
How about you
do the invitations
and i'll make the food?
198
00:10:50,050 --> 00:10:52,718
Whoa, cowgirl,
i've done my part.
199
00:10:52,719 --> 00:10:55,554
I volunteered us.
200
00:10:55,555 --> 00:10:58,624
Wait, you're not gonna
stick me with this.
201
00:10:58,625 --> 00:11:01,460
Well, you stuck me
with painting
the nursery.
202
00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:05,831
Becky, this isn't about
you for once. This is
about mom's other baby.
203
00:11:05,832 --> 00:11:08,734
Ooh!
Cuts both ways,
doesn't it?
204
00:11:08,735 --> 00:11:11,704
Hey, you're not getting
out of this, Darlene.
205
00:11:11,705 --> 00:11:13,739
Why do you have
to be so lazy?
206
00:11:13,740 --> 00:11:15,741
You know, that's just
like you, Becky--
207
00:11:15,742 --> 00:11:18,143
Assuming that this is the only
shower I have to work on.
208
00:11:30,590 --> 00:11:32,591
Whoa!
209
00:11:33,727 --> 00:11:36,228
Wow.
Nice job, David.
210
00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:38,697
Thanks.
Hey, I know
this guys' shower
211
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:41,133
Was Mrs. Conner's idea,
but I think it's great.
212
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:43,902
I mean, why should women
get to have all the fun?
Men like babies.
213
00:11:43,903 --> 00:11:46,271
- we're not animals.
- yeah.
214
00:11:46,272 --> 00:11:49,842
Now I called all
the guys' wives and got
all their baby pictures.
215
00:11:49,843 --> 00:11:53,879
I thought it would be fun
if we tried to match the guys'
pictures to their timecards.
216
00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,948
Isn't that fun?
217
00:11:58,618 --> 00:12:01,787
You don't hang out
with a lot of mechanics,
do you, David?
218
00:12:01,788 --> 00:12:04,923
Hey, guys, i'm not quite
finished setting up yet.
219
00:12:04,924 --> 00:12:07,059
I still have pizza rolls
in the toaster oven.
220
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:10,829
( chuckles )
no, you don't.
Congratulations, Dan.
221
00:12:10,830 --> 00:12:13,766
Yeah, we all chipped in
and got you $45.
222
00:12:17,604 --> 00:12:20,606
- thanks, guys.
- well, better get
back to work, huh?
223
00:12:20,607 --> 00:12:23,342
Yeah,
they don't pay us
to stand around, right?
224
00:12:43,997 --> 00:12:46,298
Hey hey.
We're a present short.
225
00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:48,867
You pull back on
those hors d'oeuvres.
226
00:12:48,868 --> 00:12:52,004
Oh, look at this place.
227
00:12:52,005 --> 00:12:54,773
Oh, Becky and Darlene
did a great job.
228
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:58,243
Yeah, didn't they?
They got food and a lot
of places to sit--
229
00:12:58,244 --> 00:13:01,480
Although not too many
places to sit so people
won't linger.
230
00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:03,916
Hello, Jackie.
231
00:13:03,917 --> 00:13:07,353
That's my other daughter,
the one I told you about.
232
00:13:08,688 --> 00:13:11,223
Who are these women
and why are they here?
233
00:13:11,224 --> 00:13:14,860
They're mom's friends,
and the great thing is
that most of them are senile,
234
00:13:14,861 --> 00:13:17,763
So we can hit 'em up
for presents twice.
235
00:13:17,764 --> 00:13:21,000
Roseanne, you asked me
to invite all my friends,
236
00:13:21,001 --> 00:13:23,769
And so far
you haven't even said
one word to them.
237
00:13:23,770 --> 00:13:26,438
Well, can I
pick the word?
238
00:13:26,439 --> 00:13:29,441
- Roseanne!
- okay.
239
00:13:30,510 --> 00:13:32,644
Hi.
240
00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:34,646
Sorry about
your husband.
241
00:13:37,617 --> 00:13:40,019
Thank you.
242
00:13:40,020 --> 00:13:42,187
What happened
to her husband?
243
00:13:42,188 --> 00:13:44,857
I don't know.
I'm just playing
the odds.
244
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:50,662
Hi. Sorry about
your husband.
245
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:53,098
You know, I could use
some help out there.
246
00:13:53,099 --> 00:13:55,701
Yeah,
i've been watching,
and you could.
247
00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:01,874
I can't believe you, Darlene.
I've had to do
everything myself.
248
00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:04,376
You were the one that
wanted all this fancy stuff.
249
00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:07,880
If it was up to me,
i'd just put out a 50-lb bag
of old-people chow.
250
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:13,752
Okay, Darlene,
you got your revenge for
painting the stupid nursery.
251
00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:16,855
Now the least
you could do is take these
stuffed mushrooms out there.
252
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:19,792
Isn't it enough that
I pretended to wash them?
253
00:14:21,661 --> 00:14:25,230
Hey, come on. We need
to get to the part where
I open up the old ladies' gifts.
254
00:14:25,231 --> 00:14:28,667
One of them could die
and then the present would
be wrapped up in probate.
255
00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:33,405
- what do you got there?
- stuffed mushrooms.
256
00:14:33,406 --> 00:14:37,076
- oh. Well, they
look pretty good.
- well, thanks.
257
00:14:37,077 --> 00:14:39,645
I made the mushrooms!
258
00:14:39,646 --> 00:14:42,214
There's no "I"
in "team," Becky.
259
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:46,885
I just want to say
something to you guys.
260
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:49,555
I know that you got
roped into doing this,
but I want to tell you
261
00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:52,958
How happy it makes me
that you pulled together
and pulled this whole thing off.
262
00:14:52,959 --> 00:14:56,528
It's so great
how you guys are turning
into such really cool adults,
263
00:14:56,529 --> 00:14:59,398
And that makes me feel
like I could really
raise another one.
264
00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:02,134
It was no
problem, mom.
265
00:15:02,135 --> 00:15:04,870
Yeah, it was
our pleasure.
266
00:15:04,871 --> 00:15:08,007
Hey, you guys,
try my special
stuffed mushrooms.
267
00:15:08,008 --> 00:15:10,476
- oh!
- oh, Darlene!
268
00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:18,183
What's with the fruit?
269
00:15:18,184 --> 00:15:21,220
Making a fruit punch.
270
00:15:21,221 --> 00:15:25,057
I've always found
the best way to make
fruit punch is to, uh,
271
00:15:25,058 --> 00:15:28,794
Put in a carton
of fruit punch and add
another carton of fruit punch.
272
00:15:30,764 --> 00:15:32,765
Mother, it's better
this way.
273
00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:35,534
Okay, but i'd rather
have it fast than good.
274
00:15:36,803 --> 00:15:38,737
Last call!
275
00:15:40,006 --> 00:15:42,641
Good, you're here.
Okay, girls.
276
00:15:42,642 --> 00:15:45,010
Baby games,
baby games.
277
00:15:45,011 --> 00:15:48,313
Now i've got buttons,
i've got string,
278
00:15:48,314 --> 00:15:51,450
I've got pipe cleaners
and yarn.
279
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:53,452
It's time to play
280
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:56,155
"make a potato baby."
281
00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:01,860
Everybody grab
a russet,
282
00:16:01,861 --> 00:16:05,698
And remember
you're only limited
by your imagination.
283
00:16:05,699 --> 00:16:09,435
You'll be judged
on neatness
and originality.
284
00:16:09,436 --> 00:16:12,438
- now in case of a tie--
- present time!
285
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:16,775
Here you go, Roseanne.
Hope you like these.
286
00:16:16,776 --> 00:16:20,379
Gee, thanks, Crystal.
Oh, that's beautiful.
287
00:16:20,380 --> 00:16:23,982
Man! Hey, that looks like
it came from a pretty
expensive boutique.
288
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:26,552
Oh no, ma'am.
I made it myself.
289
00:16:26,553 --> 00:16:28,721
Oh.
290
00:16:28,722 --> 00:16:30,789
Here, Roseanne.
291
00:16:30,790 --> 00:16:33,792
Because I love you
and everything that
comes out of you.
292
00:16:35,261 --> 00:16:37,463
What is it?
293
00:16:37,464 --> 00:16:41,667
It's a gift certificate to have
your baby's zodiac chart done
after she's born.
294
00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:44,603
Hey, telling one of my kids
what their future's gonna be
295
00:16:44,604 --> 00:16:47,139
Is no gift,
believe me.
296
00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:50,309
Darlene, these
stuffed mushrooms
are great!
297
00:16:50,310 --> 00:16:53,078
Thanks.
I chewed up
the croutons myself.
298
00:16:54,848 --> 00:16:56,849
Here you are, dear.
299
00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:59,151
My children are
all doing very well,
300
00:16:59,152 --> 00:17:03,355
And since marvin passed on,
I don't really have anything
to do with my money, so...
301
00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:07,526
Well, you certainly
came to the right place.
302
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:11,163
Oh. "in honor
of your baby,
303
00:17:11,164 --> 00:17:13,966
A tree has been
planted in israel."
304
00:17:17,270 --> 00:17:21,006
There you are, Beck.
The world's last surviving
confederate widow
305
00:17:21,007 --> 00:17:23,942
Wants another drink.
306
00:17:23,943 --> 00:17:25,878
Darlene...
307
00:17:27,414 --> 00:17:29,848
Don't get up, Roseanne.
I know the drill.
308
00:17:29,849 --> 00:17:33,018
Here's the gift.
Here's the receipt.
I'll just put 'em in the car.
309
00:17:40,794 --> 00:17:43,062
Hey, let's play
a new game now, okay?
310
00:17:43,063 --> 00:17:45,264
Um, it's called
"unwrapping your gift."
311
00:17:45,265 --> 00:17:48,801
Everybody get the gift that
they brought me and unwrap it
and make two piles.
312
00:17:48,802 --> 00:17:51,103
This pile here,
put the stores
313
00:17:51,104 --> 00:17:53,138
Where you bought it
closest to my house;
314
00:17:53,139 --> 00:17:55,307
And the ones farthest away,
put over there.
315
00:17:55,308 --> 00:17:58,377
Well, look
at 'em go.
316
00:17:59,946 --> 00:18:02,514
Hey, Becky,
we're all done
with the mushrooms.
317
00:18:02,515 --> 00:18:05,484
Start frying up
them potato babies.
318
00:18:05,485 --> 00:18:08,921
She's not in the kitchen.
She and Darlene went upstairs
a minute ago.
319
00:18:08,922 --> 00:18:12,691
Oh, man.
I got to go up there
and break 'em up.
320
00:18:12,692 --> 00:18:15,194
"break 'em up" why?
They're getting
along great.
321
00:18:15,195 --> 00:18:17,529
No, they're not.
They've been fighting
all week.
322
00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:19,531
It's been nothing but
trouble ever since
323
00:18:19,532 --> 00:18:23,268
Becky dipped her chocolate
in darlene's peanut butter.
324
00:18:23,269 --> 00:18:26,205
- need some help?
- no, I can do it.
325
00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:29,408
D.J.!
326
00:18:38,118 --> 00:18:40,219
Get back downstairs,
Darlene.
327
00:18:40,220 --> 00:18:42,221
Get out of
my life, Becky.
328
00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:44,289
I'm not asking for much.
329
00:18:44,290 --> 00:18:47,793
It's not like i'm asking you
to shave your pits or something.
330
00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:51,363
You're just mad 'cause
your body hasn't grown
into your butt yet.
331
00:18:52,532 --> 00:18:54,633
Hey, I am sick
of your crap.
332
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:56,802
You get downstairs
and do something.
333
00:18:56,803 --> 00:18:59,538
No, you're the one
that wants to be
the perfect daughter,
334
00:18:59,539 --> 00:19:02,574
So you go downstairs
and serve mushrooms
and paint the nursery,
335
00:19:02,575 --> 00:19:05,177
And afterwards you can
entertain the queen
with riddles.
336
00:19:05,178 --> 00:19:08,247
Hey, i'm not trying to be
the perfect daughter, okay?
337
00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:10,482
I'm trying to be
a decent human being.
338
00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:13,919
Oh, bull.
You are always
kissing mom's ass.
339
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:16,055
- you get
down there now!
- no!
340
00:19:16,056 --> 00:19:18,457
- I said go!
- stop it, Becky!
341
00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:20,459
- let go!
- stop it!
342
00:19:20,460 --> 00:19:24,463
- ow, get off me!
- hey hey hey!
Knock it off!
343
00:19:24,464 --> 00:19:28,100
If you guys can't
do your braids nicely,
then don't do 'em at all.
344
00:19:29,202 --> 00:19:31,303
- she started it.
- bull!
345
00:19:31,304 --> 00:19:32,805
Okay well,
enough is enough.
346
00:19:32,806 --> 00:19:34,773
You're over there
and you're over there,
347
00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:37,609
And both of you
shut the hell up.
What's gotten into you guys?
348
00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:40,079
I can't believe you're back
into the fighting thing.
349
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:42,548
If you
don't stop, i'm...
350
00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:45,117
Wow. Wow.
351
00:19:45,118 --> 00:19:48,153
That was deja vu.
352
00:19:48,154 --> 00:19:51,623
- what?
- this, all this--
you guys fighting again.
353
00:19:51,624 --> 00:19:55,327
You on that bed,
you on that bed, both of you
wanting to kill each other.
354
00:19:55,328 --> 00:19:58,997
It's kind of nice,
you know?
355
00:19:58,998 --> 00:20:01,233
- it is?
- yeah.
356
00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:04,570
I miss it.
I miss my girls.
357
00:20:06,039 --> 00:20:08,974
But, damn it,
I can't do this anymore.
358
00:20:08,975 --> 00:20:12,478
I have a child inside of me
who really is a child,
359
00:20:12,479 --> 00:20:15,447
And you guys can't keep fighting
like you're 12 years old.
360
00:20:15,448 --> 00:20:17,850
This wasn't
a kid fight, mother.
361
00:20:17,851 --> 00:20:20,552
This was an adult fight.
362
00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:23,188
Oh really?
363
00:20:23,189 --> 00:20:25,724
- D.J.!
- what are you
calling him for?
364
00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:27,793
You'll see.
365
00:20:27,794 --> 00:20:31,764
Hey, I didn't
push that lady.
She just fell.
366
00:20:31,765 --> 00:20:33,866
This is nothing
to do with that.
367
00:20:33,867 --> 00:20:36,335
Darlene and Becky
are fighting again.
368
00:20:36,336 --> 00:20:38,837
Do you remember the stuff
I used to say to them?
369
00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:40,806
- yeah.
- well, tell 'em.
370
00:20:40,807 --> 00:20:43,842
Darlene, stop acting
like such a smart-mouthed
little brat.
371
00:20:43,843 --> 00:20:45,944
And Becky, stop acting
like a martyr.
372
00:20:45,945 --> 00:20:49,415
If you two can't get along,
i'll lock you in your room
until you do.
373
00:20:49,416 --> 00:20:52,217
Now I don't want
to hear another peep
out of either one of you
374
00:20:52,218 --> 00:20:54,186
During "the love boat."
375
00:20:56,556 --> 00:20:58,657
Well done, son.
376
00:20:58,658 --> 00:21:00,793
Thanks.
Can I have a car?
377
00:21:02,495 --> 00:21:05,064
You guys know
that i'm always
gonna be your mom,
378
00:21:05,065 --> 00:21:09,101
But now i'm only gonna
do that if you have 19-
and 21-year-old problems.
379
00:21:09,102 --> 00:21:11,737
If you're gonna go pulling
all the little-girl crap,
380
00:21:11,738 --> 00:21:13,806
Then you can just
go to D.J.
381
00:21:16,543 --> 00:21:18,610
Hey, what are
you doing here?
382
00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:21,513
I decided
to come home early
and roll the drunks.
383
00:21:21,514 --> 00:21:23,749
Jackie told me
Becky and Darlene
were fighting.
384
00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:26,352
Yeah well,
it's no big deal.
I just put D.J. on it.
385
00:21:26,353 --> 00:21:28,387
Let's go count up
the loot.
386
00:21:31,558 --> 00:21:34,526
D.J.:
all right, you heard her.I'm the boss now.
387
00:21:34,527 --> 00:21:36,128
Hey!
388
00:21:45,939 --> 00:21:47,940
Oh, look, Dan!
389
00:21:47,941 --> 00:21:50,809
D.J.'s gotten
so much taller!
390
00:21:58,718 --> 00:22:01,653
( theme song playing )
391
00:22:40,093 --> 00:22:42,895
( Roseanne laughs )
43551
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