Original subtitles

I've had a bit of news.

What news?

I've got a lad.

A son.

- Before you were married? - No.

I am so excited that we've met, Alan.

- I've heard the news. - Which news?

That you and Robbie's been at it behind me back.

What's up with Celia and me granddad?

You see, this is what adultery does to people.

It turns them into liars.

Can I tell you how grateful I am to you

for giving me the strength and the courage to

stop hiding?

- There's a problem with your mum. - I'm not going.

Then there's absolutely no point

in pretending that we have any kind of a relationship.

I'm sorry, love, I tried to persuade her.

Well, there's no point in you being here, then, is there?

Ripped By mstoll

CAROLINE: I solemnly declare

that I know not of any lawful impediment

why I, Caroline Elizabeth Dawson,

may not be joined in matrimony to you, Katherine Ibeke McKenzie.

I solemnly declare...

I solemnly declare that I know not of any lawful impediment

why I, Katherine Ibeke McKenzie,

may not be joined in matrimony to you,

Caroline Elizabeth Dawson.

CAROLINE: I call upon these persons here present

to witness that I, Caroline Elizabeth Dawson,

do take you, Katherine Ibeke McKenzie,

to be my lawfully wedded wife.

Caroline Elizabeth Dawson,

will you have this woman to be your wedded wife,

to love her, to comfort her,

to honour and keep her

and forsaking all others as long as you both shall live?

I will.

Katherine Ibeke McKenzie,

will you have this woman to be your wedded wife,

to love her, to comfort her,

to honour and keep her

and forsaking all others as long as you both shall live?

I will.

I, Caroline Elizabeth Dawson,

take you, Katherine Ibeke McKenzie,

to be my wedded wife,

to have and to hold,

for better, for worse,

for richer, for poorer,

in sickness and in health,

to love and to cherish

from this day forward.

REGISTRAR: Caroline and Kate have given their consent

and made their marriage vows to each other.

They've declared their marriage by the joining of hands

and the giving and receiving of rings.

I now pronounce you spouses for life.

Congratulations.

(GUESTS APPLAUDING)

(DOOR OPENING)

(CAR DOOR OPENING)

Oh...

Aren't you at the...

Wedding? No, I was.

- Is everything... - Are you busy?

Um...

You couldn't give me a lift down to railway station, could you?

- Sure. - Lf you give me a minute.

Sure. Is everything... Where are you catching the train to?

- Home. - Halifax?

Well, Sowerby Bridge.

Well, look, why don't I drive you over there...

No, no. If you could just take me to railway station here,

that'll be more than sufficient.

- (DOOR OPENS) - ALAN: Hello?

What's he doing back so soon?

You've been quick.

I didn't stop. Didn't see much point me being there without you.

- (KEYS JANGLING) - So...

I'm leaving car with you.

Why? Where are you going?

Home. To Halifax.

If that's what you really want.

So, you'll know where I am if you feel like talking to me.

I think I've said all I can say.

Happen you're right.

Having a bit of distance might focus our thoughts.

Right.

(DOOR OPENS)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

HARRY: I'm pissed off with Alan. Where is he?

He's at a dykey lesbian wedding in Harrogate.

And you should've told me and all!

- About what? - Our Ellie.

Dropping out of school to do that bloody silly job in that supermarket.

- (GROANS) - I only found out about it just now

'cause I went in there to buy some bananas and four-pack of baked beans.

She's 17.

I said, I told her, "You ring your mother, you talk to her, you tell her."

I can't nanny people.

What's he doing at a lesbian wedding?

(SIGHS) Caroline.

Aren't you there?

Yes, I am.

I'm there right now, Harry. I'm in two places at once.

I don't know why you're being so snippy.

My granddaughter whose chucking her life down the drain.

Well, I have a lot on, haven't I? I've lost my job.

- RAFF: Why weren't we invited? - We were invited.

Just I told her that we were too busy.

RAFF: Does Harry know about Gary?

- Who? - You.

Do you know about Gary?

Who's Gary?

See, I'm wondering about asking him if he can give me a job, Mum.

Why did you tell Caroline we were too busy? I'm not too busy.

- You're not asking Gary for a job. - Why not?

Which one's Gary?

It's just like a Saturday job, not full-time.

You're not going begging and scraping at his door.

Nobody's going begging and scraping.

I just thought, like...

tomorrow, when they come round

- for Sunday lunch, I could say... - Come round? What?

- Here. - Who?

- Gary! - What are you on about, come round here?

Do you not remember? You invited him.

- I... - (WHISPERING) She was pissed.

I didn't... Did I?

12:30 for one. He were thrilled you asked him.

Who is he?

I mean, they probably want to see how the other half live.

(STAMMERING) He's a millionaire.

He's this multimillionaire and I don't have a job.

And now I have to go out and buy enough food to feed him with.

Oh, yeah, that's all I need.

Yeah, that's exactly what needs to happen next.

Who is he?

This is all your fault.

What is?

I should've been on a shift at Greenhough's now.

Then I'd have had enough money for...

(SIGHS)

Why did you tell Cheryl?

It just... It...

I don't know, it just came out.

Thought you said you were happy to have an excuse to chuck it in.

Yeah, but now the euphoria has died down, the reality is that

in a few short days I'm going to be skint.

Okay, well,

in fact, that's why I'm here.

Is there somewhere we can talk?

(SIGHS)

Harry and Raff and Calamity are hogging the sitting room,

so fire away.

Okay. Well,

I've suggested this before and you know it's a good idea.

But

then things got a bit messy 'cause of that John.

Twat.

But look.

I've seen the light with Cheryl.

(SIGHS) I don't want to live in a box worrying about

a new kitchen and a new bathroom and a new carpet.

I know you're

you,

but...

Look,

why don't we get married?

You can farm and I've got my salary.

And then a good pension, good enough.

And you won't have to worry about doing anything part-time.

I can help you here.

You know I can. I can turn my hand to owt.

What are you thinking?

I don't like being dependent on people.

I know that, Gillian.

Well, what would...

You mean, like, you'd sell your house and come and live here and...

Yeah. Married.

It isn't about being dependent.

It's about sharing everything.

Pooling our resources and, yeah,

being equal.

Partners.

- I don't know. - Why?

You're a nice fella.

- You're a good man. - So?

You think about it.

If you give me the nod,

then I can have my house up on the market within a week.

What should we do? Granny?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Catch you around.

Do you think we should go round?

Do you think we should apologise?

(SIGHS)

I think I might.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Where the hell were you, penis head?

- Hi, Granny! - I'm...

Right.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(CAR APPROACHING)

What's going on?

Well, John's kindly driven me over.

He was going to get the train,

you know, with his...

Has something happened?

Are you not at the wedding?

Nope.

She just needs time, that's all.

I mean, it's been a big shock for her.

For all of us.

And these things just take time, that's all.

Caroline's going to be, like, gutted that her mother didn't...

Yes, yes, I think she was.

You should've gone.

You should've gone to support Caroline, at least.

Yeah, yeah, well...

I did go.

In fact, I said to Celia, "I'm going,

"whether you do or not."

And then when I got there,

she told me there were no point me being there if her mother weren't.

- So... - She said that?

- Did she? - Caroline did?

- Yeah. - What, in front of everybody?

No, outside, everyone else had gone in.

- It were cutting. I was shocked. - GILLIAN: Right.

Bitch.

But she were upset, obviously.

I don't care, she's not talking to you like that.

- What are you doing? - I'm sending her a text.

- Oh! - "Eff off, bitch,

- "hope you have a shit day!" - No, don't do that!

- Well, I'm tempted. - Yeah...

None of it would've happened if Celia had...

(SIGHS) Well, then.

Of course, none of any of it would've happened if I hadn't...

Sorry, what... What did happen?

I've got a half-brother.

I've got a son.

You...

- So... - He's, uh, younger than Gillian.

- So... - And it's all been a bit of a surprise.

Uncle Gary.

Ah, gosh. Okay, so...

Yeah, they're coming over for Sunday lunch tomorrow.

Him and Felicity. Did you know?

Of course I knew. I were there when you arranged it.

So, Celia...

- GILLIAN: Yeah? - Wouldn't like...

No.

So... So how do you feel about that, Gillian?

Well, it's complicated, obviously.

So, you had a...

(STAMMERING) It...

It should never have happened but it did, so...

God. That's really...

God. (CHUCKLING)

- And this Gary, he's... - He's a nice lad.

He's done very well for himself.

He just...

He wanted to get to know us.

Are you all right?

Me?

Celia said you were upset about this baby business.

Oh. Well, yes.

Um, it's been... Yeah.

And Judith's...

Gone.

To stay with her sister.

In St Albans.

- So, that's... - Good. Yeah.

I think for everyone.

Oh, well, none of us know what's just round corner, do we?

There's some soup and some bread for dinner.

If you fancy stopping.

Dinner?

No, lunch.

Oh.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(CLINKING)

Thank you.

- (CLINKING GLASS) - Quiet now, please.

Thank you. Hello.

Hello.

Um, I know my mum and Kate aren't making any speeches

but I'd just like to say thank you to everyone for coming.

And I'd like to propose a toast to my mum.

To Caroline and...

No. To Kate and Caroline.

Every happiness, Kate and Caroline.

ALL: To Kate and Caroline.

- WOMAN: Aw. - (WHISTLING)

CAROLINE: Thank you, honey, that was lovely.

KATE: Thank you, it was lovely.

- Welcome to the family. - Thank you.

- Lawrence is over there. - I noticed.

- Don't make a fuss. - I didn't, I haven't.

KATE: I'm pleased.

Why don't I pop round to Celia's, try and persuade her to come round?

No.

Should I take Granny some cake and champagne?

No.

MAN: (ON TV) You're not angry with me, are you?

WOMAN: (ON TV) No, I'm not angry.

I don't think I'm anything, really. I just feel tired.

MAN: Forgive me. WOMAN: Forgive you for what?

For everything. For meeting you in the first place.

For taking the piece of grit out of your eye,

for loving you, for bringing you so much misery.

JOHN: Gosh.

- Yep. - So, how did she find out? Cheryl?

- That you and Robbie had... - He told her!

- Ah. - No, Robbie did.

Well, I can't say I'm sorry.

A woman like you shouldn't have to work at a checkout.

There's nothing wrong with working at a checkout.

If people didn't work at checkouts,

snobby piss-heads like you

who wouldn't have anyone to buy their Rioja off.

This is undoubtably true.

In fact, people like you only exist to keep the checkout assistant amused.

Did you not know that?

Paying �14.99 la-di-da

for something a French paysan wouldn't chuck over a casserole.

Ooh, listen to you!

- I was doing French A level. - Yeah?

Yeah, till I had to drop out because of...

Oh, yeah.

Being pregnant and...

(SIGHS) Not that...

Not that... Not that what?

Not that it'd have done me any good finishing my A levels.

You don't know that. You don't know what you might have done.

(GILLIAN SIGHS)

GILLIAN: Hmm.

I love drinking too much at lunchtime.

(CHUCKLING)

Sod it. I mean, you know, that... (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

I've lost my job, I've no money,

my dad's fallen out with his girlfriend, lady, wife, woman.

My son's... (SIGHS) God knows, he's...

He's thrown his future away and chucked his lot in with...

Actually, you know what? I like Ellie.

But the bigger point is why bother pretending?

Just go with the flow. Just...

stop trying to imagine you can resist the onslaught, the inevitable.

Just

give in to the gentle whittling away

of anything you imagined resembling a life

- or a personality. - Yeah, I know.

It's just that waking up feeling like shit thing later.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

I have a thousand and one things I want to ask you.

Oh, gosh. Well, plunge in.

(CLEARS THROAT) Okay.

One.

Did you have no idea

that Caroline wanted to bat for the other county

before, you know, she announced it?

I don't know. It's odd.

Looking back, you do wonder...

GILLIAN: What?

How much I didn't know her, really.

I was in love with her.

I fell in love with her. My God, was I love with her.

Couldn't believe she existed.

She was so, you know, Caroline.

But then you realise all you've fallen in love with

is this face.

This lip, this eye, this nostril.

It took me 10 years to realise

that actually, when you get beyond the tantalising exterior,

she's actually pretty boring.

(CHUCKLES)

I mean, who the shit reads chemistry, for God's sake!

(LAUGHING)

I just think that people have a shelf-life with each other.

And we should just accept that and learn to move on,

so we can enjoy... (SIGHS)

- What? - The next thing.

Marriage vows, they're so ancient, they're so elderly, they're so...

Actually, today,

those two, she's 47, Kate's 43, maybe that works.

Maybe they will forsake all others till death do they part.

But come on, you can't say that at 24 and know what you're buying into.

Not when people live to be 90.

It's all right when you drop dead at 27 of plague or smallpox.

(LAUGHING)

'Cause there was a built-in exit

through the whole damn pantomime, but come on.

Do you know, I know what you're saying.

You do. Of course you do.

You're an adventurer, you're a buccaneer.

You live life.

That's why you're so exciting, you silly bitch.

Yeah, till the next thing comes along.

Yeah, but as long as we both understand that, isn't that...

You know, I've got all this money.

They bought out my half of the house, the lesbians did.

Oh, aye?

I think you and me could be very good for each other.

I think you know that.

You'd never have to worry

where the next five quid was coming from ever again.

I'm serious.

You could farm.

I could commute to the university and write my novel.

I think life could be... I don't know.

Pretty good.

(MOBILE CHIMING)

Who's that?

Is that you, Dad?

(GROANS) Hmm?

(GRUNTS)

Oh.

- Hey, Gillian. - Yes, Father?

ALAN: Can I borrow Land Rover for an hour or so this evening?

So, you're in the doghouse.

- Oh, who told you? - Your Raff.

- Oh. - He wasn't going to.

I had to squeeze it out of him.

And it's true, is it?

Is that why you're being so miserable?

Why did you tell her?

Oh, I... I had to.

Gillian told Caroline, then Caroline's all,

"Oh, if you're not going to tell him, I will."

Not that I wouldn't have told her, I just

wanted to do it in me own time.

What's she bothered about?

It's not like you were married to her, is it?

- At the time. - Oh.

They can't let things lie, women, can they?

GUEST: Goodnight. CAROLINE: Safe journey. Love you. Bye!

I'm going upstairs.

I'm just going to make a start

- tidying the kitchen. - No, you're not.

- No, I'm, I'm just... - Leave it.

I'm just, just going to get the dishwasher on

and then I won't be worrying about it.

Five minutes.

Hello.

Oh, have I not locked up?

Are you speaking to me?

Have I got anything to say to you?

How did it go?

It, um...

Well, it doesn't really matter how it went, does it?

Oh, don't be like that.

CAROLINE: What do you want?

Just to say I hope it all went off all right.

It isn't that I don't wish you both well,

I do. I just...

You know, with Alan and all that business going on

I just... I found it difficult.

Everyone asked where you were. Everyone wanted to meet you.

Who's everyone?

Our colleagues, my friends from Oxford.

Few people wanted to pop round and say hello,

but we didn't know what sort of a reception they'd get, so...

- Oh, they should have done. - We advised them not to.

Well, what did you say?

That you're rather

narrow-minded

and you didn't want to be a part of what was going on.

Why did you say that?

Why?

Well, what did they say?

Nothing!

What do you expect people to say when they hear something like that?

- Well, you could have said I was ill. - Yes, I could.

But it wouldn't have been true, would it?

- You could have said I'd had an upset. - Yes, yes, I could have said that.

Well, Kate's mother wasn't here.

Only because she's working in New York

and couldn't get away at such short notice!

She would have liked to have been here!

Look, I don't want to fall out with you.

I'm going to bed.

He's gone over to Halifax. Alan.

I'm not really interested.

He said he didn't want to take the Lexus,

so he must have gone on the train.

Kate's waiting for me in bed, so...

I don't know if he's coming back.

I don't have an opinion on that.

I do love you, you know.

(SIGHS)

(GILLIAN SIGHS)

KATE: Your mother's car's gone.

She's gone to get the Mail on Sunday.

A bit early.

She usually sort of sits outside in the car till they open.

Okay. She's your mother.

What's up?

"Piss off, you mad old..."

That's a bit...

Maybe it's a joke.

Maybe she thinks she's being funny. Ironic.

You know, I mean, maybe in Halifax that's how they say congratulations...

kind of thing.

(MOBILE DINGS)

Oh, shit! No!

(GASPS) Shit! Shit! No!

Oh, I did not send that.

Oh, ah, oh!

Oh, God. You... You wanker!

(CALAMITY BABBLING)

Ah.

Ah. Morning.

- ALAN: How do? - Morning.

Should I... Can I put the kettle on?

Aye, you can do when I've made up baby's bottle.

Ah.

Where's Gillian?

Out in the fields.

This obviously must seem rather odd to you,

me, um...

- But obviously... - She does what she wants.

- I wouldn't want you to think... - I don't think anything.

No, no, no. Okay.

(CLEARS THROAT)

- I'm very fond of Gillian. - RAFF: Good!

- I would hope so. - Yeah.

- Given that you're... - Sure.

Sleeping in her bedroom.

And I'm serious, too. I've made that very clear to her.

- Is Ellie having a lie-in?

No, she's at work.

Gosh.

I might pop outside. Get some...

See where Gillian is.

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

Hello.

I drove Alan over here yesterday.

He asked me to drive him to the railway station

but what with his... I thought...

- Is he inside? - Yes.

- Is he about? - Yes.

- (SIGHS) - Hello.

Hello.

Look, I'm sorry about yesterday.

Do you want to come through?

- Hi, Celia. - Hello, love.

Oh, hello!

Hello.

I'll just take her upstairs and change her.

Right.

Oh, you don't have to run off because of me.

It's nice to see you.

Well, do you want to...

Well, I've not slept again.

Oh, yes, I thought when I saw you you must have set off early.

I wonder if, looking back,

I was more bothered that you went and met him

without telling me than the thing itself.

I don't know. I've no idea.

I mean, that and going on about how wonderful he is

when you could see I was struggling with it all.

He's a nice fella. I'd be lying if I said otherwise.

Well, do you want me to go away again?

How's Caroline?

Oh, she's not speaking to me.

No?

And do you wonder?

I would have been at that wedding if none of this had happened.

You were wrong to take it out on Caroline.

I was upset!

Oh, yes, I think we all got that, Celia!

Loud and clear!

- (SIGHS) - I want to move on.

And I don't want to fall out with you.

You're your own worst enemy.

I can't help how I am.

You should never have taken it out on Caroline.

I went round last night to apologise and she wouldn't listen.

- Did you? - And now you've fallen out with me.

I don't want to fall out with you.

It's the last thing I want.

Is it?

You know it is.

I'm sorry.

I am sorry.

I'm just... You know, it takes time sometimes to deal with something.

I know that.

They're due around to Sunday dinner today.

Uh, him and his wife.

- I can put him off. - No, don't do that.

I think perhaps it's time I met him.

Are you sure?

I'm sure.

Well, interestingly,

or oddly, when we went round there for tea t'other night,

as evening wore on and, well,

our Gillian drank too much, like she does.

And his wife, Felicity,

she were knocking it back as well.

I sensed an undercurrent.

I don't think it were to do with us being there.

She seemed perfectly happy with us.

I sensed it were more

between them. Summat...

I don't know. So...

He probably isn't perfect.

Hi.

(GILLIAN EXHALES)

How pissed were we yesterday?

Oh.

I've done something really stupid.

I sent Caroline a text.

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, Jesus.

- She won't care. - I care.

Oh.

Why didn't you stop me?

Well, I did try to.

I said probably best not to

but you called me a limp-wristed twat, so...

(SCOFFS)

I've got to stop drinking.

I really have got to stop drinking.

- Celia's turned up. - Has she?

Looks like you're going to have a full house for lunch.

Did... Are you... Did I invite you to stay for lunch?

- Oh, I did, didn't I? - Yeah.

Okay. Well, the thing is you can't

because yesterday I invited Robbie as well.

You... When?

Before you turned up, he came over.

And, look, whatever the hell we were...

we were talking about yesterday

when we'd had a few,

it's not going to work.

It's not ever going to be a good idea, is it?

Okay? So...

Why isn't it? Why not?

Thank you for driving my dad over.

I meant what I said about helping out financially.

I didn't just say it because we'd had a few.

I know. I know. I know that.

But in the sober light of day, it's not what I want. All right?

- Why? Why not? - We can be friends.

- But that's got to be it. - No. Why?

You're...

You turn up,

you go out and you buy a load of wine.

At lunchtime. I didn't get anything done yesterday afternoon.

- Well, it's nice, occasionally, to... - I can't be getting into all that.

I didn't physically pour it down your neck.

I know.

I did. I'm not blaming you,

beyond the point of bringing the stuff in. It's me.

I'm ridiculous. I'm rubbish. I can't be trusted.

But what I don't need is someone who's no better than I am.

We're very alike, you and me.

No... I mean, yeah, in a bad way.

No, Gillian. You know...

(SIGHS)

You've just got to like yourself more.

I don't even know what that means.

If I liked myself more, I wouldn't drink so bloody much.

If I had liked myself more,

I'd be able to be more grown-up about everything, like Caroline is.

(SIGHS)

I can't cope with you and Robbie,

not with every-bloody-body else I've got coming today.

Then there's this stupid text I've gone and sent.

You sent that text because she'd upset your dad.

That wasn't very grown-up, was it?

Yeah, but I didn't have to be childish back, did I?

She wouldn't have been, would she?

(EXHALES) She goes,

"Thank you. Kiss."

Like she thinks I'm...

She thinks... She thinks I was joking.

She thinks it's a joke.

Do you think she thinks

it's my daft way of saying congratulations?

Well, let me read it again.

I think you see Caroline through rose-tinted glasses sometimes.

I don't know why you give a toss what she thinks.

She's not perfect, you know. Far from it.

Yeah. She may have thought it was a joke.

She still upset Alan.

Yeah, well...

Maybe Alan's asked for it a bit, you know? I mean...

He was unfaithful to my mother, lest we forget.

And for once... For once, I don't blame Celia for being pissed off with him.

I suppose nobody's taken your feelings into account in all this, have they?

Not properly.

It's all been about him and her.

You're a nice fella

but I really don't want you and Robbie at the same dinner party.

Well, tell him not to come, then.

- I can't do that. - Why?

Because

yesterday morning, before you turned up,

he asked me to marry him.

And then God knows how many hours later, I'm in bed with you.

Because I'm stupid,

flaky and I'm fed up of being those things.

- You don't want to marry him. - Don't I?

I asked you to marry me.

More or less.

Well, what if I did want to marry him?

- What if I do? - You don't.

I do.

I do, actually.

I need you to leave, John.

I need you to go, just go.

And stop coming here!

- Stop thinking you can come here. - I brought your dad.

My dad asked for a lift to the station in Harrogate.

He told me.

- Hey, are you sure about this? - Of course!

You can get on with your work. I'll only be half an hour, 40 minutes.

- Are you going to the station? - Yeah.

Can you drop me and Angus off round at his? It's on the way.

- Sure. - Hang on a minute.

- I've not got any homework. - That's just not true.

It's only maths.

And history and science. I can do it tonight,

after tea, if you come pick me up at 7:00.

- 5:00! - Half six.

- 5:00! - All right, 5:00, whatever.

Thank you for coming to the wedding yesterday, Angus.

It was an honour and a privilege.

Right, come on, I haven't got all day.

I'll take the Jeep. I'll never squeeze this lot in my car.

Sure!

Oh, it's been lovely to see you.

You're not going on any sort of honeymoon?

After the baby's born we might do something nice.

We might pop down to Oxford for the weekend and see you.

Give my love to Roxie, tell her I'm sorry she couldn't be here.

I will.

It's nice to see you so happy.

Well, it'd have been better if your Granny had been here

but mmm, yeah, yeah, I am happy.

I'm very happy.

See you.

- GARY: Yeah, sure! - Yes!

GILLIAN: I told you not to ask! ALAN: He's not got a driving licence.

Well, it's all right. We'll sort something for you.

Is it just a Saturday job?

- Well, at the moment, yes. - Oh, it is. He's not leaving school.

Well, you want to learn to drive, though, irrespective of...

Tell her. She won't pay for lessons.

He doesn't need lessons.

He's been driving a tractor since he was 13.

I'm damn sure he can drive a car.

- You heard her? - I could teach you.

Can you teach me?

She has these medieval ideas about everything.

We can sort you out with driving lessons.

GILLIAN: How?

- When's your birthday? - Oh!

- ALAN: Well... - GILLIAN: You know, Gary,

I'm not having you going down that route.

Oh, he'll take over your whole life for you if you let him.

- RAFF: Shut up, Mum. - Stop it.

Celia, let me top you up.

Oh, I'll be getting squiffy.

(LAUGHING)

Tell me about your family.

Oh, well, um, there's William, he's in his first year at Oxford,

he's my grandson, my eldest grandson.

And he's studying English literature. And he's doing very well.

And your daughter Caroline,

she was the one who got married yesterday?

Harry was telling me.

Uh, yes.

- To another woman. - Really?

- Hmm. - Oh, good. Wow!

Good for her. That's a good idea.

Think I'll do that next time.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Can you pass the, um...

Uh, so, she was married to a man?

John, yeah.

For years.

John and then... Yeah.

God, that's, that's really brave. That's really exciting, isn't it?

- And she's a head teacher? - Well, it's something.

It's a damn good idea, that's what it is.

But you're not comfortable with that?

Oh, yes. I am.

(STAMMERING) I'm on some... In some ways, in lots of ways.

And she's a very nice woman, the woman is, um...

- She's... - Yeah, Kate.

Kate.

FELICITY: Well, she's obviously very intelligent.

- Oh, yes, she's very intelligent. - FELICITY: It's the way forward.

It's the future.

Well, technically it wouldn't be, would it? (CHUCKLES)

- No. - FELICITY: Yes, it is.

Technically, women could do without men.

Men couldn't reproduce without women.

Look at chickens. The way chickens are farmed.

Chickens?

Yeah, they gas them at birth.

Then they just keep one or two to do the necessary.

Yeah, it's the same with sheep and cattle,

only, well, we don't gas the boys. We eat them.

Could you stop waving that carving knife around

- when you've had so much to drink? - (ALL LAUGHING)

I don't know what men are for. Do you, Gillian?

Uh, its... Um, they're for, um...

I don't mind them.

HARRY: On the other hand, if you gassed us all at birth,

who'd deal with a puncture?

- Oh. - (ALL CHUCKLING)

- That old chestnut! - Oh, all right.

Yeah, well said, Harry.

HARRY: I know you'd know what to do

'cause you like getting your hands mucky.

- Anything technical, women... - (GILLIAN SIGHS)

- Normal women. - Oh!

They just stand there, holding their handbag, going,

"Can you do it?"

- (KNIFE CLANKING) - You're going to have to leave the room.

- (ALL LAUGHING) - Sorry, but you're going to have to go

and stand outside.

RAFF: Oh!

He just said you're not normal, Mum. Did you hear him?

I know, I was here.

I've dealt with more punctures than you've had hot dinners, Harry.

- Yeah, you get the picture, though. - No.

So, how would Caroline deal with a puncture, Celia?

Caroline? Oh, she'd just buy a new car.

(ALL LAUGHING)

FELICITY: Gary, what was I saying?

- Your dad. - Oh, my dad!

(LAUGHS) You wouldn't believe... He's a district judge.

- Three weeks... Three weeks ago? - Yeah.

He sits in Halifax. There's this little old man in his 70s.

This little old man managed, God knows how, somehow,

to get his narrowboat,

a 60, 70-foot narrowboat, wedged at a 90-degree angle.

- Ninety degrees! - Not quite 90 degrees.

FELICITY: Oh, nearly 90 degrees, as good as.

Wedged in a lock.

The boat was a write-off. It was trashed, wrecked.

�60,000 worth of narrowboat!

They had to hire two cranes, two huge, enormous, ridiculous cranes

for something like four or five days?

And it was awful, actually.

Because the Waterways had brought the action,

it's a civil action.

And insurance is out the window 'cause he's drunk.

Mmm. But the point is my dad has to make a decision.

Costs were involved, horrendous costs.

And the point I'm making

is that everybody's feeling sorry for this little old man

'cause he had to sell his house to pay the costs.

Does he ever have a drink, your dad?

Of course he does.

I see you like a drink?

Yeah, but I'm not driving a narrowboat, Harry.

He's drinking. How are you getting home?

(STAMMERING) Well, we've got a driver,

if, when, you know, obviously.

And I'm not drinking, Harry.

Happen he'd have had a driver, this chap,

if he were living in them sort of circles.

Yeah, but he didn't. So the point is, the point is...

Oh, God. Is he a friend of yours?

Yeah, we know him.

Oh.

(MOBILE RINGING)

Hello.

Hi, it's me, Mum. Did you get the train all right?

Yep.

CAROLINE: Okay.

Did Kate say she was going anywhere after?

It's just she's not come back and she's not answering her phone

and it's been nearly an hour and a half.

Uh, I think she said something about stopping to get some milk.

Oh, okay.

WILLIAM: You all right?

Oh, yeah, I just thought she'd be back by now.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

I've got to go, love. Someone at the door.

- Okay. - Bye.

- Bye. - Bye-bye.

(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)

I was having a senior moment, she was having a blonde moment,

between us, we were hopeless.

- Oh, she's sounds larger than life. - Oh, she can be.

- Yeah. - But between you and me,

she's not actually speaking to me at the moment.

Oh, no. Why?

- I didn't go to the wedding. - GARY: Why not?

I don't think she's speaking to me, either.

Why? Why?

(LAUGHING AND INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hey, lady.

You and me need to have a conversation about school.

Yeah, we don't. It's happened.

I've left. It were the right choice.

Have you spoken to your mother?

Mmm. I've had her on the phone.

- She's livid. - Yeah, well, she needs to wake up.

I've moved on. I need an income.

Especially since you...

You dozy old sod.

Writing your boat off and having to sell your house?

ELLIE: Coffee's ready!

You all right?

- I might go home. - Okay.

- I might slip out. - Okay.

(ALL LAUGHING)

GILLIAN: Here.

- We'll see you. - Yeah. So long.

- GILLIAN: Me dad'll ring you. - Yeah.

Have you had time to give any thought to what I said yesterday morning?

Are you serious?

Do you really want to marry me?

Gillian, I've wanted to marry you since I was 16.

You know,

- I'll try not to be mad. - (SCOFFS) Okay.

And I really do want to stop drinking so much.

Well, that's up to you.

What if I'm disappointing?

We'll muddle through. We always seem to.

Raff would like it.

So...

is that a yes, then?

Yeah.

- Yeah, okay. - (LAUGHS)

(MOBILE RINGING)

- That's my phone. - (SIGHS)

Oh, shit. Caroline.

- Oh, what's wrong with Caroline again? - Nothing, just...

Caroline! How was yesterday?

Um, did you... You got my text?

Yeah, it was just meant to be a bit of fun.

It was just meant to be a laugh.

Only, I realised afterwards,

you might think I was, uh, being serious.

No, it's fine. Forget it. Listen, is my mother there?

GILLIAN: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

So, did you have a nice day yesterday?

Um, yeah, but, uh, now Kate's in hospital.

Oh, my God! Has she gone into labour? Oh!

No, no, no, no, no.

- She's unconscious, she's... - CELIA: Has Kate gone into labour?

- Is she in labour? - She's been hit by a car.

She's in an operating theatre, she's, uh...

I don't know, I don't know but it's not good.

Uh, I need to speak to my mother.

Oh, my God. Are you all right?

Yeah. I don't know. Is my mother there?

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Hold on. - What?

Celia, uh, Caroline wants to talk to you.

Ooh, is she speaking to me?

How exciting.

Oh, you might be better coming through here.

Why?

Kate's been in an accident.

Caroline?

(VOICE BREAKING) Mum...

What's happened?

I don't know, uh...

Kate's been hit by a car. I don't know what happened.

Are you all right?

- No. - Well, what's happened?

I don't know, I just,

I just had the police knocking on the door. She...

She'd gone, she'd taken, uh, the boys,

she'd taken William to the station

so I could stay at home and do some work.

Are the boys all right?

Yeah, yeah, they weren't there, no one was there,

she'd already dropped them off, and, um... And, uh...

And, I don't know, she got knocked down, apparently,

um, coming out of a shop.

And she wasn't conscious when they brought her in, uh...

Oh, God. What about the baby?

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know anything.

Well, I'm at Gillian's, do you want us to come over?

I don't know.

You can't do anything, she's in an operating theatre.

I think they're trying to work out what, uh... How...

Uh...

(DEVICE BEEPING)

CELIA: Right. Well, we're coming over.

Which hospital is it?

St Mary's.

(SIRENS WAILING)

- Where's A&E? - Just over there.

Oh, thank you.

Caroline.

Has there been any development?

They've delivered the baby.

They've taken the baby out and they're still operating on her.

Where is it?

She's in an incubator.

Little girl.

Yeah, we knew that.

Are you all right, love?

Alan, I am so sorry I said that stupid thing to you.

- Oh, it's forgotten. - And I don't even know why I did.

It's forgotten. Come on.

Oh.

What about Kate?

(SNIFFS) Oh, well, they're still... She's... She's still...

I think, I think... (SIGHS)

It's amazing what they can do these days.

Do you watch any of those medical programs?

No.

- Well, we do. - And it's marvellous what they can do.

It's wonderful. They can do all sorts.

She'll be all right, love.

She was so excited at the idea of giving birth.

She got it all planned and now it's just been ripped out.

Oh, this is Gary. He drove us over here.

We thought we'd get here quicker with someone else driving.

Hi.

- Hello. - You all right? What's happened?

- MAN: Caroline? - Yeah.

Hi, I'm Jessell Malik.

I'm the senior consultant surgeon here at St Mary's.

Do you want to come through here and have a... have a chat?

- Yeah. - Is this your mum and dad?

Yeah.

MALIK: Do you want them to come through as well?

Come on.

I... I'll stay here.

No.

(INAUDIBLE)

(GARY EXHALES)

Oh, shit.

(CAROLINE SOBBING LOUDLY)

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