Original subtitles

Guess the latest.

We've decided we're going to get married.

Right.

You know my date with Gary?

Wasn't me he was interested in.

He thinks you had a fling

with his mother. And that you're his dad.

I didn't know there'd been a child.

- You all right? - Judith's, um...

She's lost the baby. It's been awful.

I got your text.

It's true.

They can't expect you to sell your house in 28 days.

And how else is he going to raise that kind of money?

- What's up? - Nothing.

Someone is going to have to tell my mother at some point

and if none of you do, I will.

He'd like to meet you.

Gary?

Alan, hello.

Ripped By mstoll

- It's a bit a shock. - Yes.

For both of us, well, for all of us.

- I mean, Gillian, too. - Yeah, yes.

I didn't sleep much last night.

Uh, yeah...

I didn't want to, um...

I just...

Sorry, I realise

I don't actually have anything to say as such, it's just...

I was intrigued to meet you, to see you, I suppose. That's all.

She never told me she were...

Your mum, she never... Did Gillian tell you?

And Gillian's lovely, by the way.

Oh!

- Well... - She's just so funny,

so sweet, so uncomplicated.

Her heart's in right place.

So, what was he upset for?

I thought he never wanted it.

Well, no. He didn't.

I don't know.

I've had all this second-hand from Caroline.

Still, I suppose if it was nearly full-term...

Oh, God knows what she must have gone through.

Are they even together still? I mean, were they ever?

Really, actually? After a certain point?

God knows.

Well, she's cleared off, anyway,

she's gone to live with her sister in St Albans.

And he's been sleeping in Caroline's spare room again,

- apparently. - Really?

Hmm.

She's very good to him, Caroline, given what a bugger he's been.

If it was me,

he'd have not darkened the doorstep ever again.

No, no. No.

How...

Can I ask how you met?

Um...

Well, I married Eileen, Gillian's mum, in, uh, 1957.

But the woman I really wanted to marry,

the one that I was in love with, she'd stood me up.

Except she hadn't.

She left me a message, only...

- I never got it. - Celia?

That's right.

I were very fond of Eileen

but truth is I got engaged to her on rebound.

I don't think we'd have called it that then.

And I certainly weren't aware that that's what I were doing, but yeah.

Then I met your mum.

At Jessop's Chemicals up Huddersfield.

She were a secretary and...

She reminded me of Celia.

The second I saw her, everything about her.

The way her eyes lit up when she smiled.

Way she walked.

I felt the same feeling I felt when I were with Celia.

It was...

I don't know.

Like world lit up.

And we were weak.

We were daft.

We were old enough to know better, it shouldn't have happened.

But it did.

Then she left.

I never saw her again.

Did you try to see her again?

No.

I suppose

if I had known,

I'd like to think that

I'd have done right thing.

It would have been more...

complicated, obviously.

No, she should have told me.

She should have told me at the time.

However difficult it might have been for everybody.

So you're not coming to this "wedding", then?

She did ask me.

Only I said we were busy.

And aren't you?

I don't think she really wanted me there.

I think she only invited me 'cause she thought she should.

I think you're being a bit sensitive.

If she didn't want you, she wouldn't ask you. You know what she's like.

Who else is going?

William's coming up from Oxford.

A few people from school.

Couple of her pals from Oxford.

I don't know about Kate's family.

Fairly small. It's all a bit last-minute.

You know, not everyone's available.

Our Muriel's in Corfu, sadly.

So... John's living at the house

and Kate's on leave now so she's at home all day

with John?

Well, yeah, presumably.

'Cause he's never at work, is he?

I don't know why they pay him.

Contractions are good.

They're painful but they're on your side.

Your contractions happen when your uterus contracts

and that's what dilates or opens the cervix.

Now, Dads,

during labour,

you may find it distressing to see your partner in so much pain.

Is this your first?

Not your first?

It's not my first.

It's Kate's first.

So you'll know what I'm talking about.

It is distressing

but you just being there, gently encouraging her to keep going,

that is so important.

It's... It's not actually mine as such. I'm just, uh...

Kate's my wife's girlfriend.

Okay, so let's talk about pain relief.

We're back! Dad?

Oh, my feet!

Oh, Calamity, you are getting heavier by the hour.

I'm making you some tea.

Well...

I think I spent up, Alan.

You better not have.

Not if we are thinking about this Australasian adventure.

Are we serious?

I am if you are.

Why are we whispering? Is it a secret?

No, it isn't.

So, you've been busy?

Eh, no, no, no.

Right, I'll pop this lot upstairs and then I can relax.

- Can you manage? - Oh, yeah.

Tea, coffee?

- J�ger bomb? - Uh...

Tea, thanks, love.

Have you had a nice time?

Clothes shopping with my mother-in-law?

No, stepmother.

Yeah.

Yeah. It was a bit of a laugh.

- How did you get on? - Fine.

- Yeah? - Like you said, he seems like a

- very nice fella. - Yeah, yeah.

- It's odd. - What?

I felt like I knew him.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Yeah, and so did I.

From the moment I saw his face.

So, what did he say? What did he want?

Nothing.

No, I didn't think he did.

- I think he just wanted to... - He just wanted to talk, yeah.

Wish I could have stopped with him longer but, uh...

Any road, he asked me if we'd like to go and have a meal.

- Meet Felicity, his wife. - Oh.

So, he's, um... He's married, then?

Yeah, they've two girls.

Yeah, and he meant all of us, you know, you, me, Raff, Ellie.

Calamity.

Celia, he said he'd like to meet Celia.

I said, uh...

"Well, I haven't told her yet."

So?

Oh, I don't know.

You have got to tell her.

I had Caroline on the phone a couple of days ago

and she said if we... Well, if you don't tell Celia, she will.

Oh, what the hell were you doing telling Caroline for?

I told you.

Look, she wasn't being nasty.

To be fair to her, it's 'cause she knows

how upset Celia was when she found out about Kenneth.

You know, she'd been

cheated on, lied to.

And isn't it best to be honest, really?

Coming from you, sooner rather than later.

I told Caroline that you wanted to meet him first and then you'd tell her.

Celia.

And she was fine with that.

But now you have met him, so...

Okay.

- So... - Yeah, I'll tell her.

- When? - Soon.

Soon!

Well, why did you let him go with you?

Because...

I don't know, he just tagged along.

Of course I was daft enough to feel sorry for him.

I should have said, right in front of everyone,

"She's not your wife,

"she's your ex-wife, John, you're divorced."

You... You should have done.

"She's my wife's girlfriend." She's my wife.

Very nearly. "And you're just, I don't know, a friend of the family."

Well, no, no. He's more than that, he's the father of...

Still.

No need to split hairs.

"I know you've had an upset but can I just be blunt?

"You really, really need to move out,

"John, before me and Caroline get married."

Yes. Well, good.

You should have said it.

All that money that we have begged, borrowed and stolen

to buy his half of the house. What's the problem?

I don't think we've stolen anything, have we?

Whatever.

What is the problem?

Just say it.

Can't you?

Sure.

- Yes! - Damn.

I'll deal with it later.

I will deal with it later.

They're playing a game.

If I go into labour, he comes nowhere near the hospital.

Course he won't.

What's the matter?

I don't know.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just frightened.

Don't be frightened.

I'm not that much younger than Judith.

Judith's an alcoholic.

And what if there's something wrong with it?

There won't be. Why would there be?

And if there is, we'll deal with it, but there won't be. So.

And you will get rid of him?

I will ask him

to leave.

Oh, God, I ought to ring my mum.

Hello.

Mum, hi, it's me. How are you?

- Very well, love. - Good.

Good.

How's Alan?

Um, he's fine. Caroline says how's Alan?

- He's fine, love. - Good.

So, er...

Good. So I've got nothing fresh that I can think of.

Have you?

Um, no, I don't think so. Have we got anything fresh, Alan?

Eh, no, no, no, no.

He's not told her.

We thought we'd drive over on Friday,

the day before the wedding.

Then if there's anything you want doing, I can help out.

Right, good. Thank you.

Is that Ellie?

Did you decide on your outfit?

Hello, love.

- Where you been? - Supermarket. Greenhough's.

Not answering your phone?

Oh, has it been ringing?

Harvey said you had an argument with Mr Streplewhite.

- Yeah, I did. - Which one's he?

- Politics. - Politics. I told him

he can shove his coursework up his arse

and I've left and I've got a job at Greenhough's.

You can't do that.

Well, I just did.

You can't not do your A levels.

Hey, what's... What's happened?

Well, no, I can not do them. And then I can earn some money.

Have you... Have you talked to your mum about it?

No way. She has enough going worrying about me granddad.

Well, I think you need to.

- Well, it's none of her business. - No, Ellie, it is!

She's going to be very upset if you're going to drop out

of doing your A levels.

You can't work at Greenhough's,

that's just a job, it's not a career.

You're a clever lass.

You don't want to just go chucking it all down the drain.

No! Listen!

It's good. It's full-time.

He said I can go on a fast-track. He said I can be a store manager.

In a couple of years, if I put the hours in and I play me cards right,

there's all sorts of opportunities.

- Wow. - It's money, Raff.

It's not being dependent on every bloody body.

And it isn't like I've got that many people to be dependent on now,

with me granddad being such a loony.

I still think you need to ring your mother!

Um, hang on, I...

I can't hear what you're saying.

They're all just shouting at each other this end.

Can I speak to Gillian?

Um, yeah. Hang on.

Gillian?

It's Caroline.

What's happened? What's going on?

How are you, Caz?

He hasn't told her.

No, no, no. Uh, not yet.

He needs to tell her.

I know, he will.

He needs to tell her soon.

Yes, I know. I agree with you. I'm working on it.

Well, that may be the case.

I do like Kate, you know.

I suppose if Caroline had to be that way, she could have done a lot worse.

It's funny, isn't it?

Babies.

They're always welcome when they come.

Even when they're unexpected.

Like our little Calamity.

And now, there's this other one.

I know there's something bothering you.

I'd wish you'd let on what it is.

Is it Harry?

And that damn silly mess he's got himself into?

Well, what, then?

I've had a bit of news.

What news?

I've been in two minds about whether to tell you or not.

What news?

Oh, no, it's not an ordeal. I...

I suppose there's a lot about each other

that we still don't know, isn't there?

Is there?

Well, 60-odd years not seeing someone,

there's bound to be one or two.

What? One or two what?

It turns out I've got a...

skeleton in cupboard.

What do you mean?

One I never even knew I had.

Well, not...

What? What is it?

Oh, I don't care what it is, Alan,

you can tell me anything.

Nothing's worth making yourself ill over, just tell me.

Just say it. Just spit it out.

You'll think I'm like Kenneth.

How could you ever be like Kenneth?

I've got a lad.

A son.

A boy I never knew I had.

Well, I call him lad, he's a man now.

You see...

I had a bit of a fling.

When?

Oh, years ago.

Before you were married?

No.

No.

Celia, look, I don't want to make excuses,

it happened, it shouldn't have.

But I didn't know there'd been a child.

When?

Year our Gillian were born.

Only, as I said, I've only just...

The year Gillian was born?

But you'd...

You'd been married nine years when Gillian

was born.

- Who was she? - Oh, you wouldn't know her.

They lived up Siddal.

Mary.

She were called Mary. Mary Kershaw.

Came to work at Jessop's, she were a secretary.

She, um...

She had a look of you.

The year Gillian was born, you were...

Well, did Eileen know?

No.

It's like I said to Gillian, it stopped before it started.

It were never...

What does Gillian know about it?

Her date on Valentine's Day.

It weren't a date as such.

It were him.

- Well, how long did it go on? - We didn't.

Long enough to get her pregnant.

Only the once.

Then she left. I... I never saw her again.

I had no idea she were...

So, what does he want, this Gary?

Nothing. He just wanted to meet me.

And you're going to?

Well, thing is I already have.

I met him this morning when you and Gillian went shopping.

And he's a grand fella, Celia,

he's very keen to meet you, genuinely.

He's the sort of person who genuinely

seems to be interested in people.

So, hang on.

He just rang, out of the blue this morning,

when Gillian and me just happened to be out shopping?

No, no, no, no.

He... It were, it were arranged.

Gillian arranged it.

Oh, so you were just getting me out of the way.

No!

Yeah... Look...

- It were delicate. - Where? Where did you meet him?

In a caf�.

Right.

Look, I understand you probably rather I'd told you first.

No, I'd rather you didn't lie to me about what you were doing.

But obviously I were worried about how you'd react.

You see? This is what adultery does to people.

It turns them into liars.

Well, no wonder you couldn't have Calamity.

No wonder we had to trail around with...

It's been difficult, knowing right thing to do!

And right order to do stuff in.

And of course Gillian's been upset.

But not above colluding with you about deceiving me.

Nobody wanted to deceive you.

It was just about knowing when and how to tell you!

Well...

you've told me now.

Have you seen Ellie?

Yeah, she were up at quarter past six.

She was off to catch the ten to seven bus.

She's to be at Greenhough's at half past.

She didn't discuss this with me at all, nothing.

You need to be communicating with each other more.

Oh, no shit.

No, I'm not being an unpaid nanny if she's out earning money.

You know, that is, that is not the way the world works.

This isn't cloud cuckoo land. Also, plus Yvonne

is slinging me cash every week for her housekeeping, which...

I can't accept that.

I'm not accepting that if Ellie's working.

Did she even speak to her mother last night?

No idea!

Do you just not talk to each other at all, about anything?

Hello!

Oh, right. Well, I'll have to bang on at her about it, then.

Oh, feel free!

Well, I'll see you later. I'm on a shift.

After I've done every bloody thing else for every bugger else.

What's up with Celia and me granddad?

What is up with Celia and your granddad?

They sat at the breakfast table not speaking to each other.

Has summat happened? They were up in night, I heard them.

No, I don't think...

Is one of them ill?

No. No, nothing like that, just...

It turns out I've got a brother.

A half-brother

that I didn't know about.

How?

You what?

I would like you to meet him.

You see, I think you'd like him.

He'd like to meet you.

I can't imagine why.

He's very... I don't know, calm.

He's mannered, kindly,

unusual. I were nervous about going to meet him.

But no, he just seemed to be wanting to make sense of it himself

and apologising

and saying that he knew it was a shock for all of us.

He were being very grown-up about the whole thing, I suppose.

And you want me to be grown-up about it, too.

Well...

either we can move forward together or...

I don't know what alternative is.

Maybe I should go and stay with Caroline for a few days.

Caroline knows, by the way.

Caroline? What the hell does Caroline know about it?

Gillian wanted to talk to her before she told me,

after she met him, Gary.

Anyway, she thought

Caroline would know best way forward.

So Kate will know about it as well, won't she?

I mean, does everybody know except me?

No. No!

Yes, but of course I discussed it with Kate.

I'm allowed to, she's my partner.

We tell each other things.

You see, this is what I used to hate about your dad.

Him mucking about and then everybody knowing.

And then you find out and you realise

they've been laughing at you behind your back.

Or else feeling sorry for you.

All who?

Oh... Everybody, anybody.

I don't know, you lot.

Not in this instance. Nobody's like that.

I'm so shocked, Caroline.

I thought he was different.

I thought I knew him.

I thought he was better than that.

You know, when you haven't seen someone for 60 years,

there will be things about them you don't know.

I love you.

I know you do.

And I think he does, I know he does. And you know,

this isn't about you

and I think you need to try and step back from it.

He went and met him

without telling me.

Yeah, yeah.

Did you know that?

Yeah, yeah. I... Yeah.

Why didn't you tell me?

I was going to, I told Gillian,

I said, "If you don't hurry up and tell her, I will."

Are all men rotten?

No, no.

A lot of them are but I don't think Alan's one of them.

If I thought he was, I'd have driven straight over there two days ago

and ripped his pacemaker out and shoved it...

where the sun doesn't shine.

He hasn't got a pacemaker.

No, I know, I know. I just...

Thought it sounded good. But I would,

if I thought for one second

that he was taking the mickey out of you, I'd deal with him.

I don't think he is. I think he's a good man.

I think he's made a mistake and I bet he's doing his damndest now

to make things right, because I would imagine

he is terrified, terrified of losing you.

- You're very wise. - Hmm.

Wonder who I get that from?

Not me.

You're right to be upset.

He was unfaithful to his wife,

that's something that's going to bring back

a lot of unpleasant memories for you, but it was a long time ago.

That's not an excuse

but it really isn't a reflection on you personally, is it?

Can you see that?

I know you're shocked.

I know you're upset. And come over here for a few days on your own

if you want a bit of time to yourself,

but you don't really want to lose Alan, Mum, do you?

Have I buggered everything up?

Oh, you've been a while.

I went for a little drive onto the Tups.

We were worried you weren't coming back.

I rang Caroline.

Oh, is she all right?

Mmm. Kate's sick of John being around the house all day

but Lawrence likes him being there so...

She's finding it difficult to tell him to sling his hook.

But no, nothing else fresh.

I really don't want to be small-minded about this.

I'm not Kenneth, Celia.

It happened once.

I were ashamed of it, I regretted it.

And it never happened again.

Okay.

I'd almost forgotten it happened.

Happen I...

blacked it out. I don't know.

Right.

Are we friends?

Course we're friends.

Hey, I googled him.

- Sorry? - Gary, I googled him.

You know, I said it looked like he'd done all right for himself?

Well, he has. He owns Caf� Rapido.

Mobile coffee shops.

Mobile baristas, vans selling coffee

and pastries and cakes, like at railway stations

and football matches and...

Well, you've seen 'em around.

I've never been to a football match.

They're all over!

He started off with one van when he were 18.

Now he has whole fleets of 'em.

Up and down the country.

He's an entrepreneur.

- He's a multi-millionaire. - Is he?

He supports all sorts of charities and good causes.

He owns Huddersfield Town Football Club.

Here, do you want to have a look?

Let me see if I can find it again for you.

You and me need to be having a proper conversation at some point, lady.

- Gillian. - Cheryl.

- How's yourself? - Yeah, I'm all right.

Oh, bless. I've heard the news.

Which news?

That you and Robbie's been at it behind me back.

Anything you'd like to say to me?

I, um...

You don't know what I'm talking about?

No.

I'm sorry, that's not going to wash. It were Robbie that told me hisself.

Yeah, a bit of a domestic about the kitchen,

him not wanting to spend money

and me saying, "Well, it's just a breeding ground for bacteria."

One thing led to another and it all came tumbling out, so...

What I'd like to suggest is

next time you're making whoopee,

if you could just ask him to wear one of these.

'Cause obviously,

I personally don't want to be picking up anything unpleasant.

Oh, and as well, if you're so desperate for sex

that you need to borrow other people's fellas,

let me give you this.

Yeah. So...

There we go.

Have a nice day. Mind how you go.

Careful, now, don't get too close or she'll have your kecks off.

I know. And with a face like a bust shoe.

She must be releasing the right sort of pheremones, eh?

Oh, like your shoes.

So, I said, "Fine."

You can shove your job

where monkeys shove their nuts. I've had enough

of being talked to like...

- Well, what happened? - Nothing, just...

Him saying how I'm always trouble.

Me, I know! Always late. Really?

Twice in the last... month.

Always mouthing off, apparently.

Only because I'm sticking up for people, other people.

Against him being a fascist dictator.

I said, I told him,

"My father was a union man, so I'm not apologising."

And then him just going on about how I'm always...

Whatever. So, I just said, "Fine!

"Fine, you know what?

"Fine. You know, for me, this is win-win."

So you lost your job.

No I... I resigned.

So, how is it win-win?

I get time off and I don't have to listen to that jackass

telling me what to do any more.

Oh, you pillock.

Where's Celia?

Oh, she were here before I nodded off.

Where... Is the Lexus outside?

Yeah.

Celia?

I'm just upstairs.

- Did you tell her? - Yeah.

- Yeah, and? - No, she's fine.

Fine how?

Obviously it were a shock to start with, but, uh...

Well, I don't know, Caroline seemed to talk some sense into her.

Yeah, and

come and have a look at this.

I googled him.

Do you realise who he is?

You'll not believe it.

He's a real mover and shaker.

You'll not credit what he's achieved.

- Blimey. - Yeah.

God.

- Huddersfield Town. - He owns it.

Hmm, maybe he'll give me a job cutting the astroturf.

I'll ask him.

I rang him. We're all going to tea on Friday.

- Tea? - Supper, dinner. A meal,

7:00 for 7:30.

Oh, I'll have to tell Raff.

Oh, yeah, I... already told him.

No, he heard you get up in the night and he was worried you were ill.

- So I... - How did he...

Well, he thought it was "well cool" I think were the exact words.

The fact that you'd been unfaithful to my mother appeared to go

right over his pretty little head.

But then again, he's a bloke, so...

What are you doing?

I'm going to Harrogate.

- Hello, love. - Celia.

I don't want to make a fuss.

I'm happy for you to go and have dinner with this Gary.

I can see you're all excited about it

and I understand why, he's obviously a very successful young man.

But I personally would find it difficult

so if it's all right with everyone here, I'd rather be in Harrogate.

Celia, it's not because he's successful,

it's because, well, he's flesh and blood.

Yes, well. Whatever it is, he'll understand.

But he was particular in wanting to meet you.

It's you he's interested in and that's fine.

Like I say, I don't want to be small-minded about it

but equally, you'll understand if I don't want to be there.

And anyway, it's the wedding the next day

and she might want me over there Friday night,

in case there's anything wants doing.

Okay. I won't go.

No, you're going. I'm not having that. You're going.

I thought I might cook this evening for everyone.

As a sort of thank you.

I bought steak.

- You're not a vegetarian, are you? - No.

No, I can't do nuts but other than that...

I bought this.

Sweet, isn't it?

I always wanted a girl.

I mean, I love the boys, obviously, I wouldn't swap them, but secretly,

I always wanted a little girl, too.

But Caroline didn't want to have any more after the boys came along.

I'm really sorry about what's happened, John.

Yes, I know you are.

You've both been very kind.

Do you want some tea?

Ah, yeah. Mum.

What's this about you and a vibrator and some condoms?

I said not to say owt!

So, actually, you got sacked, in fact.

- I resigned. - She resigned.

- What happened? - Nothing.

Cheryl came in the shop, apparently.

I wouldn't have told you about it if I thought you were going to be horrible

and repeat it in front of your granddad.

- Door. - I'll go.

Here, what happened?

I wouldn't have, Gillian.

Well, what happened?

There was an incident at work involving Cheryl, who clearly has...

... some form of borderline personality disorder

and who got the wrong end of the stick

- yet again... - So, what happened?

I, um, can't turn it off.

Carry on!

Perhaps we should have a chat, Gillian, in my office?

- You all right? - Yeah, I'm fine.

So, he said it was a final warning and I resigned.

Hang on, why would Cheryl do something like that?

- Because she's deranged. - And she's thick.

Not that she can help it.

I heard about what happened. Just wanted to say I was sorry.

I should have, uh,

I should have warned you that she, uh...

that she...

Anyway, she's moved out, she's gone.

Why?

Uh...

Oh, you've...

Don't you ever, ever pull that face at me again, young man.

Why? What did... Oh.

- I did tell you. - Yeah.

What, you, you told him? When?

We've been invited out to tea, to Gary's.

- Gary? Oh. - So...

Okay, blimey.

- So, she's moved out? - Yeah.

Come on, we need to be setting off.

Hmm.

Sorry, okay. Well, look, I'll catch up with you later.

Yeah.

So, they're going.

He's fair smitten with him.

Said he felt like he knew him when he met him.

Soon as he clapped eyes on him he said he felt like he'd always known him.

Which, I mean, how can you?

It's Gillian I feel sorry for, losing her job,

and then Alan all excited about this fella being a multi-millionaire.

Obviously, it's complicated.

And she's obviously got very mixed feelings about him herself.

But oh, no. Alan's blind to it.

I mean, on the one hand he's saying

he's ashamed he ever had this relationship

and on the other he seems to think

this fella's the best thing since sliced bread.

Talk about the pot calling the kettle black, eh?

- Oh, no. - Oh, yes.

All these years.

Listen, and, I wasn't the other woman, she was.

Me and Robbie, we just, we just had a bit of a blip, that's all,

because of that loudmouth, alcoholic bitch sticking her nebby...

- Which? - Judith.

We're not going to parade all this in front of Gary, are we?

What? All our dirty linen?

Oh, hell no.

We don't want him thinking any of us have sex, do we, eh? Granddad?

- Where the hell are we? - We're lost.

- I think it looks dead creepy. - Hmm, so do I.

God, this is dark.

I'm wondering if that was a wrong turn.

Now, for this one, we took way back when we came off main road.

Well, now he says it!

Shit!

- What was that? - No, we are all right. Keep going.

The worst that can happen is we'll end up in Slough.

It's like we're in The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Yeah.

You think Uncle Gary is a transvestite, Mum?

From Transsexual, Transylvania?

- Hey, there's a light. - Eh? Where?

- Over at the Frankenstein place! - Oh.

No. There really is a light.

Look.

- Wow. - Good Lord!

- Oh, my God! - Blimey.

So, I was... I was 17, this was in summer 1983

and I had five part-time jobs.

- And one of them was... - Five? Why? How?

Uh, I don't know, I was saving up to go to university.

- He never went. - I didn't need to, I hadn't time.

- And one of them... - You didn't hear that.

Do you know Luigi's?

It's a caf� on George Square in the middle of Halifax,

I used to wash up there. Anyway,

there was this old Gaggia machine in the stockroom upstairs,

been there for years gathering dust. It was defunct, it was ancient.

God knows why they never threw it out.

But I reckoned I could fix it up and I footed �5 for it

and he laughed and said,

"Gary, you take it. I'll give you �5 to take it away."

That's an Italian accent,

- in case you were wondering. - Yeah, I was.

So, but at the same time my granddad, me mum's dad, he retired.

He was retiring, he was a painter and decorator,

and he had this old van he'd used for years and years and years,

it was dropping to pieces.

And I said, "Can I have it?"

And he said, "Gary, lad, I'll give you �10 to take it away." So...

I've got a coffee machine and a van.

What are you going to do?

You're going to put them together, aren't you?

- Inevitably. Yeah, obviously. - Yeah.

That was, in fact, my idea.

- Yeah, well, she says it is. - Because it's true.

So, where did you two meet?

Ah, well, there's another story.

Uh, you know Tyson's?

The company that makes security alarms and security equipment?

Mmm-hmm. - Well...

And this is a first edition?

No, not quite, no. God knows what that'd be worth. No.

This is the first edition in America with, look,

the publisher's misattribution on the title page to Charlotte Bront�.

- Isn't that, you know, amazing? - Amazing.

I am so excited that we've met, Alan.

I feel like I need to know everything, everything about you.

And I want you to know everything about me.

Yeah, well, we will, lad, we will.

Good morning.

Well, hello.

How long have you been up?

I couldn't get comfortable. Then I got heartburn again.

Then I had to get up to pee about 19 times.

Then I got all excited thinking about being married to you.

Aww.

Aren't you simple?

Just think, in just over three hours' time,

we'll be shackled to each other forever.

Have you chosen a poem?

I might have.

Don't want to be the only one reading out a poem.

Might have written one.

- Have you? - Might have.

No, have you?

"My love is like a hot water bottle."

That's so flattering, Caroline.

"My love is like a thermal vest."

God, you've really missed your m�tier, haven't you?

"Shall I compare thee to my Jeep Cherokee?"

Go on, then.

"Thou art more..."

More...

Built like a tank and guzzles diesel like it's going out of fashion?

Yeah, okay. I've not thought that one through.

Yeah, well, you've got three hours.

Caroline?

Caroline?

Here, I'm thinking I might wear this suit.

It's what I wore when we got wed first time.

- In the register office in Halifax. - Right.

- What about you? - What about me?

Well, what are you wearing?

I'm not going.

What do you mean?

Look, I can't stand there smiling. And nobody's going to thank me

if I stand there looking like a wet weekend.

Well, I think you should make an effort.

- It's Caroline's big day and... - "Big day"?

- Getting married to another woman? - But...

You were just saying how nice it were when Kate popped round.

Yeah, well, that was yesterday.

Oh, Celia.

Don't let this other business spoil...

- Where did you do it? - What?

Sex. You and Mary.

I'm not going to...

I'm assuming you couldn't take her back to your house

because Gillian and Eileen would be there.

And who did she live with? Her mum and dad?

- So that wouldn't have been an option. - I don't want...

In a stationery cupboard at Jessop's?

In the back of your car?

Fumbling about with her knickers?

In the same car, possibly,

that you had brought Gillian back from hospital in

when she was born.

And then going back to Eileen, smelling of her.

I'm not Kenneth.

The night Caroline was born, the night I lost all that blood

and had to have that transfusion,

I found out afterwards

he'd been having it off with someone else.

Kenneth. That same night.

I was in hospital. I nearly died.

And he was off shagging one of his tarts.

Do you know what that does to you?

To your self-esteem? Have you any idea?

And the year Gillian was born,

you're mucking about with somebody's secretary?

- Ten minutes, then we'd better... - Yeah.

- You nervous? - Are you?

- Can I tell you something? - What?

Can I tell you how grateful I am to you

for giving me the strength and the courage to...

stop hiding?

You are magnificent.

You're very pretty.

Do you remember that day?

That was so mad, snogging in your office.

It was more than a snog, pal. I had me hand inside your bra.

Oh, Alan, it's open.

- Good morning. - Yes, hello, love.

Very smart.

Oh, goodness. Well...

Oh, we've... I've... There's a problem with your mum.

Mum, you need to get dressed.

He's no better than your father.

Mum, I want you to get dressed.

- Did you hear what I said? - I did.

However, today isn't about that.

Look.

Please don't take this the wrong way,

but you don't mind if I don't come, do you?

Yes. Yes, I do, actually. I really want you to be there.

I'd only make everyone miserable.

You'll make me miserable if you don't come.

But Kate's mother's not going to be there.

That's because she is in America.

She's working. She's going to come and spend the summer with us.

And all the more reason why you should be there.

I was fair looking forward to it.

I'd bought an outfit and a hat.

Good. Put them on.

Oh, Mum.

You've got to separate what's happened between you and Alan

from this today because they're not connected.

I really want you to be there, Mum.

Mum, get dressed.

You'll have a nice day with your friends.

Do you remember when I got my doctorate?

The degree ceremony, you didn't come?

My dad turned up and I said, "Oh, where's Mum?"

And he looked a bit apologetic and he said, "Oh, she's not here."

You'd obviously had an argument. And I was really rude to him, I said,

"Well, there's no point you being here if she's not here."

And it really hurt him. I could see.

He'd bothered to come all that way and you hadn't

and I was rude to him.

The biggest day of my life, and you weren't there

because you'd had an argument with him about God knows what,

but I certainly wasn't part of the equation

when you decided not to come.

It was always me that took an interest in everything that you did, not him.

Well, the facts on that occasion would suggest otherwise.

I had looked forward to that day so much.

I had imagined it. I imagined you, both of you, in Oxford.

Taking you out for lunch, showing you around the college,

introducing you to my friends.

I had no idea you weren't coming

until I saw my dad on his own down Cornmarket.

I was devastated. I was gutted.

I know you've had an upset but these things are not connected.

And if you do this to me again,

then there's absolutely no point in pretending

that we have any kind of a relationship.

Please, Mum, get dressed.

Right.

Right.

All right? Oh, what is this? Brilliant.

Where's Lawrence?

Uh, I don't know. I expect he'll come with the others.

Oh, Granny, nice outfit.

She says she's not going.

Why?

I don't want to go, either.

Oh, now, come on.

You can stay here with me if you like, chicken.

Well, I thought you said you'd invited Angus.

You can't have Angus turning up on his own.

He'll have no one to sit with. Eh, eh, and what about your mother?

Are you all right, Gran?

I'm staying here.

You'll regret this.

Both of you, you'll regret it.

What's happened?

Please, please, both of you, think about Caroline.

She doesn't deserve this.

Yay!

Sweetheart.

- I'm so glad you could make it. - Oh, that's so sweet. Thank you.

- You look great. - Oh, thank you.

I'm glad you could make it.

- Where's Lawrence? - Oh, he's coming with, uh...

Oh, uh, Gran and Alan are here.

Shouldn't we all be heading inside?

I'm sorry, love. I tried to persuade her.

Then, uh, Lawrence came round and then he wouldn't come, either.

Well, there's no point in you being here, then, is there?

If she's not here.

What's going on?

- Are you not at the wedding? - Nope.

I, Caroline Elizabeth Dawson, do take you, Katherine Ibeke McKenzie,

to be my lawfully wedded wife.

You know, I've got all this money.

Why don't we get married?

I think we could be comfortably off.

Have I got anything to say to you?

I don't want to fall out with you.

You're your own worst enemy.

Where are you going?

Home. To Halifax.

If that's what you really want.

Ripped By mstoll