Original subtitles

The One Where It All Began

English Subtitles by GELULA & CO., INC.

There's nothing to tell. It's just some guy I work with.

You're going out with a guy.

There's gotta be something wrong with him.

All right, Joey, be nice.

So does he have a hump and a hair piece?

Wait. Does he eat chalk?

I don't want her to go through what I did with Carl.

Okay, everybody relax.

Relax. This is not even a date.

It's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex.

Sounds like a date to me.

I'm in high school, in the middle of the cafeteria. . .

. . .and I realize I'm totally naked.

I've had that dream.

Then I look down and I realize there is a phone. . .

. . .there.

-Instead of-- -That's right!

That one, I've never had.

All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring.

I don't know what to do. Everybody's looking at me.

They weren't looking at you before?

Finally, I figure I'd better answer it.

And it turns out it's my mother.

Which is very, very weird because she never calls me.

This guy says, ''Hello,'' I wanna kill myself.

You okay, sweetie?

I feel like someone grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth. . .

-. . .and tied it around my neck. -Cookie?

Carol moved out today.

-Let me get you some coffee. -Thanks.

No, don't! Stop cleansing my aura.

Just leave my aura alone, okay?

Fine. Be murky.

I'll be fine. I hope she'll be very happy.

No, you don't.

To hell with her. She left me!

And you never knew she was a lesbian.

Why does everyone keep fixating on that?

She didn't know. How should I know?

Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian.

Did I say that out loud?

I told Mom and Dad last night. They seemed to take it well.

Really? So that hysterical call I got from a woman sobbing at 3 a.m. . .

. . . ''I'll never have grandchildren! ''

Was, what? A wrong number?

Sorry.

Look, you're feeling a lot of pain right now.

You're angry. You're hurting.

Can I tell you what the answer is?

Strip joints!

Come on, you're single. Have some hormones.

See, but I don't want to be single, okay?

I just want to be married again.

And I just want a million dollars!

Rachel?

Oh, God, Monica! Hi! Thank God!

I went to your building and this guy with a hammer said. . .

. . .that you might be here and you are.

-Can I get you some coffee? -Decaf.

Everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor.

This is everybody. Chandler and Phoebe. . .

. . .and Joey. And remember my brother, Ross?

Sure!

You want to tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?

Oh, God! Well, it started about a half-hour before the wedding.

I was in this room with all the presents. . .

. . .and I was looking at this gravy boat.

This really gorgeous Limoges gravy boat.

When all of a sudden I realize-- Sweet 'N Low?

I realized. . .

. . .I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry.

And then I really freaked out, when it hit me:

How much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head.

I always knew he looked familiar, but. . . .

I had to get out of there, and I started wondering. . .

. . . ''Why am I doing this?'' and ''Who am I doing this for?''

I didn't know where to go, and I know you and I have drifted apart. . .

. . .but you're the only person I know in the city.

Who wasn't asked to the wedding.

I was kind of hoping that wouldn't be an issue.

I guess he bought her the pipe organ. . .

. . .and she's really not happy about it.

''Tuna or egg salad?''

''Decide! ''

''I'll have whatever Christine is having. ''

Daddy, I just-- I can't marry him.

I'm sorry.

I just don't love him.

Well, it matters to me!

''If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off. ''

She should not be wearing those pants.

I say push her down the stairs!

Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!

Come on, Daddy, listen!

All my life, everyone's always told me, ''You're a shoe! ''

''You're a shoe! You're a shoe! You're a shoe! ''

I stopped and said, ''What if I don't wanna be a shoe?

What if I want to be a purse?

Or a hat?''

I don't want you to buy me a hat, I--

It's a metaphor, Daddy!

You can see where he'd have trouble.

Look, Daddy, it's my life.

Well, maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.

I guess we've established she's staying with Monica.

Well, maybe that's my decision.

Well, maybe I don't need your money.

Wait! Wait! I said maybe!

Just breathe. Breathe, that's it.

Just try to think of nice, calm things.

Raindrops on roses And whiskers on kittens

Doorbells and sleigh bells And something with mittens

La la la something And noodles with string

-These are a-- -I'm all better now.

I helped.

This is probably for the best, you know?

Independence. Taking control of your life.

The whole ''hat'' thing.

If you need anything, you can always come to Joey.

Me and Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a lot.

Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day.

What? Like there's a rule or something?

I got it.

Please don't do that again. It's a horrible sound.

It's Paul.

Oh, God. Is it 6:30? Buzz him in.

-Who's Paul? -Paul, the wine guy?

Maybe.

Your ''not a real date,'' is with Paul, the wine guy?

He finally asked you out?

It's a ''Dear Diary'' moment.

Rach, I can cancel.

Oh, God. Please, no. Go, I'll be fine.

Ross are you okay? Do you want me to stay?

That'd be good.

-Really? -Go on! It's Paul, the wine guy!

Does he sell it, drink it, or he just complains a lot?

Hi, come in! Paul, this is. . .

. . .everybody. Everybody, this is Paul.

-The wine guy. -I didn't catch your name. Paul?

I'll be right back. I've just got to go a--

A-wandering?

Change. Sit down. Two seconds.

I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.

Hey, Paul. Here's a little tip.

She likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot. . .

. . .over and over again, till it starts to get a little red.

Shut up, Joey!

Rachel, what are you up to tonight?

I was supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon. . .

. . .so, nothing.

Right. You're not even getting your honeymoon.

Although, Aruba. This time of year? Talk about your. . .

. . .big lizards.

If you don't feel like being alone tonight. . .

. . .Joey and Chandler are helping me with my furniture.

And we're very excited about it.

Thanks. But I'm just gonna hang out here.

-It's been a long day. -Okay. Sure.

Pheebs, wanna help?

I wish I could, but I don't want to.

Love is sweet as summer showers

Love is a wondrous work of art

But your love, oh, your love Your love

Is like a giant pigeon

Crapping on my heart

Thank you!

I'm supposed to attach a bracket-y thing to the side things. . .

. . .using a bunch of these little worm guys.

I have no bracket-y thing. I see no worm guys whatsoever. . .

. . .and I cannot feel my legs.

We got a bookcase here.

It's a beautiful thing.

What's this?

I would have to say that is an L-shaped bracket.

-Which goes where? -I have no idea.

-Done with the bookcase. -All finished.

This was Carol's favorite beer.

She always drank it out of the can. I should have known.

If you start with that, we're out of here.

Please don't spoil all this fun.

Let me ask you a question.

She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV.

What did you get?

You guys.

-You got screwed. -Oh, my God.

-Oh, my God. -I know. I'm such an idiot.

I should've caught on when she went to the dentist four and five times a week.

I mean, how clean can teeth get?

My brother's going through that. He's a mess.

How did you get through it?

He might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers.

-Say her-- -Leg?

That's one way of going through it.

Me, I went for the watch.

You actually broke her watch? The worst thing I ever did was. . .

. . .I shredded my old boyfriend's favorite bath towel.

-Steer clear of you! -That's right.

Barry, I'm sorry. I am so sorry.

You probably think it's about making love with your socks on, but it isn't.

It's about me. And I just--

Machine cut me off again. Anyway. . . .

I know that some girl is going to be lucky to become Mr. Barry Finkel.

But it isn't me. It's not me.

Not that I have any idea who ''me'' is right now, but give me a chance to--

I'm divorced!

I'm only 26 and I'm divorced.

Shut up.

That only took me an hour.

Between us, we haven't had a relationship last longer than a Mento.

You, however, have had the love of a woman for four years.

Four years of closeness and sharing.

After which, she ripped your heart out. . .

. . .and that is why we don't do it.

I don't think that was my point.

You know what's scary? What if there is only one woman for everybody?

I mean, what if you get one woman, and that's it?

Unfortunately, in my case, there was only one woman for her.

What are you talking about? One woman.

That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you.

Let me tell you something. There's lots of flavors out there.

Rocky road, and cookie dough, and bing cherry vanilla.

You can get them with jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream.

This is the best thing that ever happened to you!

You got married. You were like, what? Eight?

Welcome back to the world. Grab a spoon!

I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.

Then stay out of my freezer.

Ever since she walked out on me, I. . . .

What? What?

You wanna spell it out with noodles?

It's more of a fifth date kind of revelation.

So there's going to be a fifth date?

Isn't there?

Yeah, yeah. I think there is.

What were you going to say?

Ever since she left me. . .

. . .I haven't been able to perform. . .

. . .sexually.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

I'm so sorry.

Being spit on is probably not what you need right now.

How long?

Two years.

I'm glad you smashed her watch.

So you still think you might want that fifth date?

Yeah, I do.

We are gathered here to join together...

...Joanie Louise Cunningham...

...and Charles Chachi, Chachi, Chachi...

...in the bonds of holy matrimony.

-Marriage is the most sacred-- -See!

But Joanie loved Chachi. That's the difference.

''Grab a spoon. ''

Do you know long it's been since I grabbed a spoon?

Do the words, ''Billy, don't be a hero,'' mean anything to you?

Great story. But I gotta go.

I got a date with Andrea.

Angela. Andrea. Oh, man.

Andrea's the screamer. Angela has cats.

Right, thanks. It's Julie. I'm out of here.

You know, here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough. . .

. . .to ask a woman out. . .

. . .who am I going to ask?

Isn't this amazing?

I have never made coffee before in my life.

-That is amazing. -Congratulations.

I figure if I can make coffee, there isn't anything I can't do.

I think it's, ''If I can invade Poland, there isn't anything I can't do. ''

If you feel like you gotta make a Western omelet or something. . . .

Although, actually I'm really not that hungry.

Oh, good. Lenny and Squiggy are here.

-Good morning. -Good morning.

-Morning. -Morning, Paul.

-Hello, Paul. -Hi. Paul, is it?

Thank you.

-Thank you so much. -Stop!

Last night was like. . .

. . .all my birthdays, graduations, plus the barn-raising scene in Witness.

We'll talk later.

Thank you.

That wasn't a real date.

What the hell do you do on a real date?

Shut up and put my table back.

I've got to get to work.

If I don't input those numbers, it doesn't make much of a difference.

So, like, you guys all have jobs?

Yeah, we all have jobs.

That's how we buy stuff.

Yeah, I'm an actor.

Have I seen you in anything?

I doubt it. Mostly regional work.

Unless you happen to catch the Wee One's production of Pinocchio...

. . .at the Little Theater in the Park.

It was a job, all right?

''Look, Geppeto. I'm a real live boy. ''

I will not take this abuse.

You're right. I'm sorry.

Once I was a wooden boy A little wooden boy

You should both know that he's a dead man.

Oh, Chandler!

How are you doing today? You sleep okay?

Did you talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling.

I see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.

I know. He's just so--

Remember you and Tony De Marco?

Well, it's like that. With feelings.

-Are you in trouble! -Big time!

Want a wedding dress? Hardly used.

We're getting a little ahead of ourselves here.

I'm going to get up, go to work, and not think about him all day.

Or else I'm just going to get up and go to work.

-Wish me luck! -What for?

I'm gonna go get one of those job things.

-Hey, Monica. -Hey, Franny. Welcome back.

How was Florida?

You had sex, didn't you?

How do you do that?

I hate you. I'm pushing my aunt through Parrot Jungle. . .

. . .and you're having sex.

So, who?

You know Paul?

Paul, the wine guy?

Yeah, I know Paul.

You mean, you know Paul like I know Paul?

Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul.

Before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years.

Of course it was a line.

Why? Why would anybody do something like that?

We're looking for an answer more sophisticated than. . .

. . . ''To get you into bed. ''

I hate men. I hate men!

Don't hate. Don't put that out in the universe.

Is it me?

Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs. . .

. . .and men with emotional problems can hear?

Come here. Give me your feet.

I just thought he was nice, you know?

I can't believe you didn't know it was a line.

Guess what?

-You got a job? -Are you kidding?

I'm trained for nothing.

I was laughed out of 12 interviews.

You're surprisingly upbeat.

You would be too if you found Joan and David boots on sale. . .

. . .50% percent off.

How well you know me.

They're my, ''I don't need a job or my parents.

I've got great boots,'' boots.

-How did you pay for them? -Credit card.

And who pays for that?

My father.

Come on, is this necessary?

I can stop charging any time I want.

You can't live off your parents.

I know that. That's why I was getting married.

Give her a break. It's hard being on your own for the first time.

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

When I first came to this city, I was 1 4.

My mom had killed herself and my stepdad was in prison.

And I got here, and I didn't know anybody.

I ended up living with this albino guy who was cleaning windshields.

And then he killed himself.

Then I found aromatherapy. Believe me, I know exactly how you feel.

The word you're looking for is:

''Anyway. . . . ''

You ready?

No, I'm not ready. How can I be ready?

''You ready to jump out of the plane without a chute?''

I can't do this.

-I know you can. -I don't think so.

You made coffee. You can do anything.

Cut, cut, cut.

You know what?

We can just leave it at that. Like a symbolic gesture.

That was a library card.

If you listen very closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.

Welcome to the real world!

It sucks. You're gonna love it.

That's it.

You gonna crash on the couch?

-No, I gotta go home sometime. -Are you gonna be okay?

Look what I just found on the floor.

What?

That's Paul's watch.

You can just put it back where you found it.

Oh, boy! All right.

-Good night, everybody. -Good night.

-I'm sorry. -No!

-No, have it, really. -Split it?

You probably didn't know this, but back in high school I had. . .

. . .a major crush on you.

I knew.

You did?

I figured you thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.

I did.

Listen, do you think--

And try not to let my vulnerability become any kind of a factor here.

Do you think it would be okay if I asked you out sometime, maybe?

Maybe.

Okay, maybe I will.

-Good night. -Good night.

See you.

Wait, wait.

What's with you?

I just grabbed a spoon.

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

I can 't believe What I'm hearing

-What? I said you had-- -What? I said you had--

Would you stop?

Was I doing it again?

I said that you had a nice butt. It's just not a great butt.

You wouldn't know a great butt if it bit you.

There's an image.

Would anybody like more coffee?

Did you make it?

-I'm just serving it. -I'll have a cup of coffee.

Kids, new dream.

I'm in Las Vegas.

Miss, more coffee?

Excuse me? Could you give this to that guy over there?

Go ahead.

Thank you.

Sorry. Okay, Las Vegas.

So I'm in Las Vegas.

I'm Liza Minnelli.

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