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1
00:00:02,070 --> 00:00:03,337
[ Door closes ]
2
00:00:03,371 --> 00:00:04,405
Ooh!
3
00:00:04,438 --> 00:00:06,407
Getting a jump
on the Halloween decorations?
4
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,176
The 'ween dec.
[ Chuckles ]
5
00:00:08,209 --> 00:00:11,512
Never. This is from
the window display of my novel,
6
00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:13,247
"A Case of
a Knife to the Brain."
7
00:00:13,281 --> 00:00:14,682
Mm.
8
00:00:14,715 --> 00:00:17,851
You know, we never did do
that book tour across America.
9
00:00:17,885 --> 00:00:20,154
We should do a road trip
when Eddie gets back.
10
00:00:20,188 --> 00:00:22,423
We haven't done one
since we moved down here.
11
00:00:22,456 --> 00:00:23,891
* I saw the sign
12
00:00:23,924 --> 00:00:27,261
* And it opened up my eyes,
I saw the sign *
13
00:00:27,295 --> 00:00:29,163
I'm fine if that was
the last one.
14
00:00:29,197 --> 00:00:30,864
[ Computer chimes ]
Evan: Hey!
15
00:00:30,898 --> 00:00:32,600
Eddie sent us
an e-mail from Taiwan!
16
00:00:32,633 --> 00:00:35,035
From an Internet café.
17
00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:37,171
Oh, man, those babies
are the future.
18
00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:38,339
I bet 10 years from now,
19
00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:40,341
there's two of them
for every Blockbuster.
20
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,376
Print the e-mail
so we can read it.
21
00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:44,445
[ Printer whirring ]
22
00:00:45,979 --> 00:00:47,548
Here it comes.
23
00:00:49,083 --> 00:00:50,618
[ Whirring slows ]
24
00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:54,054
"What up, other Huangs.
25
00:00:54,088 --> 00:00:56,290
Taiwan is do-ope.
26
00:00:56,324 --> 00:00:58,726
All the unique
customs..."
27
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:03,431
"...the Qing dynasty
architecture..."
28
00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:04,798
[ Camera shutters clicking ]
29
00:01:04,832 --> 00:01:06,934
"...enchanting."
[ Snores ]
30
00:01:06,967 --> 00:01:09,403
"And don't worry. I'm playing
things safe and smart."
31
00:01:09,437 --> 00:01:10,404
I got this, chief.
32
00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:12,106
[ Engine revs ]
33
00:01:12,140 --> 00:01:16,577
**
34
00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:18,912
Unh! Ugh!
35
00:01:18,946 --> 00:01:19,913
Uggh!
36
00:01:19,947 --> 00:01:22,750
"See you in a few weeks.
Peace out."
37
00:01:22,783 --> 00:01:25,386
And then he drew a skull
out of commas and semicolons.
38
00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:26,787
It's quite good.
39
00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:28,256
Eddie's really getting
our money's worth
40
00:01:28,289 --> 00:01:29,457
out of cultural exchange.
41
00:01:29,490 --> 00:01:30,958
I can't wait
till I get to go.
42
00:01:30,991 --> 00:01:32,960
He had me at
"Qing dynasty architecture."
43
00:01:32,993 --> 00:01:34,628
I'm gonna go hit
the Brittanicas.
44
00:01:34,662 --> 00:01:36,797
[ Chuckles ]
45
00:01:36,830 --> 00:01:38,332
We raised some good kids.
46
00:01:38,366 --> 00:01:39,800
We have.
47
00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:42,236
-- Captions by VITAC --
48
00:01:42,270 --> 00:01:43,404
* Fresh off the boat
49
00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:45,105
* I'm gettin' mine
everywhere I go *
50
00:01:45,139 --> 00:01:47,341
* If you don't know, homey,
now you know *
51
00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:48,609
* Fresh off the boat
52
00:01:48,642 --> 00:01:50,944
* Homey, you don't know
where I come from *
53
00:01:50,978 --> 00:01:52,446
* But I know where I'm goin'
54
00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:55,216
* I'm fresh off the boat
55
00:01:56,817 --> 00:01:58,986
[ Sighs ]
[ Door closes ]
56
00:01:59,019 --> 00:02:00,788
Hey, Emery.
What's wrong?
57
00:02:00,821 --> 00:02:02,990
Too many girlfriends?
[ Chuckles ] They love him.
58
00:02:03,023 --> 00:02:06,126
I got reprimanded at school
for academic dishonesty.
59
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:07,027
What?!
60
00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:08,128
Remember that video essay
61
00:02:08,162 --> 00:02:10,364
I did with Grandma
for Social Studies?
62
00:02:10,398 --> 00:02:13,167
Well, her language
was a little salty,
63
00:02:13,201 --> 00:02:14,668
so I had to do some editing.
64
00:02:14,702 --> 00:02:18,539
My first boyfriend was
a bricklayer from Malaysia.
65
00:02:18,572 --> 00:02:20,941
He's got strong thighs,
66
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:24,144
and then we used to stay up
all night long...
67
00:02:24,178 --> 00:02:25,979
Emery: Cross-country skiing.
68
00:02:26,013 --> 00:02:27,848
[ Panting ]
69
00:02:31,219 --> 00:02:32,486
I got caught,
70
00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:34,722
and Principal Hunter's
making me redo the project.
71
00:02:34,755 --> 00:02:35,823
I'm sorry
I got in trouble.
72
00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:37,458
Don't apologize!
73
00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:38,792
It's Grandma's fault.
74
00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:40,528
When you're near the end,
anything goes.
75
00:02:43,231 --> 00:02:44,965
You know,
if this is "trouble,"
76
00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:46,834
we've raised
some pretty good kids.
77
00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:48,802
[ Chuckles ] You know what?
We really have.
78
00:02:48,836 --> 00:02:49,803
Even Eddie.
79
00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:51,872
I thought
he was our throwaway,
80
00:02:51,905 --> 00:02:53,241
but he's really matured.
81
00:02:53,274 --> 00:02:54,308
[ Farting noises ]
82
00:02:54,342 --> 00:02:56,910
See, the key
is to lick your palms.
83
00:02:59,112 --> 00:03:00,548
Quick pit stop for gas,
84
00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:02,015
then we hit the street market
for lunch.
85
00:03:02,049 --> 00:03:04,252
Hey, Wendy's!
Let's go there for lunch.
86
00:03:04,285 --> 00:03:07,154
[ Chuckles ] We're not eating
American garbage food.
87
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:09,156
[ Bus door opens, closes ]
88
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:10,724
[ Chuckles lightly ]
89
00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:14,928
I'm getting
that cheeseburger.
90
00:03:14,962 --> 00:03:17,030
[ Horns blaring,
indistinct talking ]
91
00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:22,836
[ Sighs ] What is it
with the vehicles here?
92
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:25,606
**
93
00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:26,707
[ Air rushing ]
94
00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:29,610
Just giving myself
a celebratory blow.
95
00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:31,612
[ Button clicks ]
Because...
96
00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:33,547
I got Emery
out of trouble.
97
00:03:33,581 --> 00:03:34,748
You faked his death.
98
00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:36,116
Nope,
we made a video of him
99
00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:37,785
saying "sorry"
in several languages.
100
00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:39,620
We even threw in one
as Sean Connery.
101
00:03:39,653 --> 00:03:40,888
[ As Sean Connery ]
"Shorry."
102
00:03:40,921 --> 00:03:42,923
[ Sighs ]
It's your favorite word.
103
00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:43,957
[ Normal voice ]
"Chimichanga"?
104
00:03:43,991 --> 00:03:46,560
No, "sorry."
You say it all the time.
105
00:03:46,594 --> 00:03:47,661
I do?
106
00:03:49,497 --> 00:03:50,498
Sorry.
107
00:03:51,632 --> 00:03:52,633
Watch --
Oh! Uh...
108
00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:54,001
Sorry! Sorry!
109
00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:56,103
Ooh!
Oh! Oh!
110
00:03:56,136 --> 00:03:57,905
Uh, sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry. Sorry.
111
00:03:57,938 --> 00:04:01,542
Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry.
112
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,110
Okay,
maybe I say it a lot,
113
00:04:03,143 --> 00:04:05,212
but only to avoid
senseless conflict.
114
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:07,948
It cheapens the word
if you say it all the time.
115
00:04:07,981 --> 00:04:09,149
You're a "sorry" slut.
116
00:04:09,182 --> 00:04:10,284
[ Gasps ]
117
00:04:10,318 --> 00:04:11,719
Well, at least I say it.
118
00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:13,253
You should only apologize
119
00:04:13,287 --> 00:04:14,788
when you've actually
done something wrong.
120
00:04:14,822 --> 00:04:16,624
But you never apologize.
121
00:04:16,657 --> 00:04:18,492
[ Clicks tongue ]
Bingo.
122
00:04:20,828 --> 00:04:22,730
Thanks again
for babysitting Maria.
123
00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:24,665
Of course.
124
00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:26,800
Now,
where is the child?
125
00:04:26,834 --> 00:04:28,135
[ Maria cooing ]
126
00:04:28,168 --> 00:04:29,737
Ah. Yes.
127
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:31,839
[ Clicks tongue ]
Jessica was right.
128
00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:33,006
He's perfect.
Yeah.
129
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:34,675
Come on, Honey.
Let's go. Oh.
130
00:04:34,708 --> 00:04:36,143
[ Thud ]
131
00:04:36,176 --> 00:04:38,178
Now, any governess
worth her frock
132
00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:39,647
comes prepared
with the proper tools.
133
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:40,948
[ Xylophone clangs ]
134
00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:44,318
Music prepares the infant mind
for mathematics.
135
00:04:44,352 --> 00:04:46,987
Problem-solving begins
in the uterus.
136
00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:49,790
Best we catch up, then.
137
00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:53,126
To know ourselves,
we must first know the beasts.
138
00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:58,532
Now, Maria, sometimes a child
needs encouragement to eat.
139
00:04:58,566 --> 00:05:02,002
* You are six months,
going on seven months *
140
00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:04,605
* Baby, it's time to ea--
141
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:06,006
[ Squeak ]
142
00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:11,211
The citywide traffic jam began
143
00:05:11,244 --> 00:05:13,313
when American exchange student
Eddie Huang
144
00:05:13,347 --> 00:05:14,815
crashed the bus
into a restaurant
145
00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:15,983
for a cheeseburger.
146
00:05:16,016 --> 00:05:17,718
Yo, I didn't crash.
147
00:05:17,751 --> 00:05:19,319
I got stuck. Big difference.
148
00:05:19,353 --> 00:05:21,655
And I never got
the cheeseburger.
149
00:05:21,689 --> 00:05:22,823
So you're not sorry
150
00:05:22,856 --> 00:05:25,726
you completely shut down
Xinyi District?
151
00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:27,895
It's not my fault the
clearance height was in meters.
152
00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:29,897
I can't be driving
and doing all kinds of math.
153
00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:30,898
It's not safe!
154
00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:32,833
Chimichanga.
155
00:05:32,866 --> 00:05:34,702
Y'all should look into
using feet and miles.
156
00:05:34,735 --> 00:05:36,737
Way less confusing.
157
00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:39,039
So, does this count
as "doing something wrong"?
158
00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:43,677
**
159
00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:45,379
Man: Hey! Oh!
160
00:05:45,413 --> 00:05:47,014
[ Laughter, cheering ]
161
00:05:47,047 --> 00:05:52,886
**
162
00:05:56,089 --> 00:05:58,726
Taiwan, an entire island,
kicked you out!
163
00:05:58,759 --> 00:06:02,430
Yes, but I didn't get
kicked out empty-handed.
164
00:06:02,463 --> 00:06:04,064
I got you all gifts!
165
00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:05,599
Oh. They were stolen.
166
00:06:05,633 --> 00:06:07,768
But there is a crab backpack
in here for Dad.
167
00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:09,269
Louis: This isn't funny,
Eddie.
168
00:06:09,302 --> 00:06:10,571
The cultural exchange
program
169
00:06:10,604 --> 00:06:12,105
said they won't
take your brothers now.
170
00:06:12,139 --> 00:06:14,141
Zàijin, Yale!
171
00:06:15,308 --> 00:06:17,611
That means "Goodbye, Yale"
in Mandarin --
172
00:06:17,645 --> 00:06:20,280
the language that you've been
immersed in for over a month!
173
00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:22,583
You know, I feel like we're only
focusing on the negative here.
174
00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:23,584
Positive?
175
00:06:23,617 --> 00:06:24,952
Your boy's home early!
176
00:06:24,985 --> 00:06:27,120
I'm gonna surprise the crap
out of Tina.
177
00:06:27,154 --> 00:06:28,856
No!
No Tina crap surprises.
178
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:31,425
You are grounded --
for the rest of your life!
179
00:06:31,459 --> 00:06:33,461
And for whatever comes
after that!
180
00:06:33,494 --> 00:06:36,464
You come back as a mushroom,
that mushroom is grounded, too.
181
00:06:36,497 --> 00:06:37,698
How would you
enforce that?
182
00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:38,799
Not now, Emery!
183
00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:40,434
I had
the same question.
184
00:06:40,468 --> 00:06:41,469
Mm.
185
00:06:41,502 --> 00:06:43,604
I thought you had matured,
Eddie.
186
00:06:43,637 --> 00:06:45,105
You got
your driver's license.
187
00:06:45,138 --> 00:06:46,406
You were acting
more responsible.
188
00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:48,108
But you tricked me!
189
00:06:48,141 --> 00:06:50,243
We wanted to raise
good kids,
190
00:06:50,277 --> 00:06:53,313
kids who would make a difference
and stand up for something
191
00:06:53,346 --> 00:06:56,416
and maybe have enough money to
send us to Hawaii twice a year.
192
00:06:56,450 --> 00:06:58,952
But instead,
we raised a cheese-burglar.
193
00:06:58,986 --> 00:07:00,420
Wait, Mom.
194
00:07:00,454 --> 00:07:01,622
I know how you feel about
195
00:07:01,655 --> 00:07:03,724
standing up for something,
and...
196
00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:05,493
I was.
What?
197
00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:06,660
Really, I swear I was!
198
00:07:06,694 --> 00:07:10,397
See, what happened was...
199
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:11,965
Cheeseburger.
[ Scoffs ]
200
00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:15,002
We're not eating
American garbage food.
201
00:07:15,035 --> 00:07:15,969
You guys are soft.
202
00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:17,170
Hey! I'm not soft!
203
00:07:18,171 --> 00:07:19,740
And neither are
my parents,
204
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:22,009
especially my beautiful
and ageless mother.
205
00:07:22,042 --> 00:07:24,745
Yeah, well, uh,
your parents are fools,
206
00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:25,946
and so is your country.
207
00:07:25,979 --> 00:07:26,914
Boom!
208
00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,281
[ Drum roll ]
209
00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:31,585
I'm not gonna let you disrespect
my parents or my homeland.
210
00:07:31,619 --> 00:07:33,086
[ "The Star-Spangled Banner"
plays ] Are we gonna
211
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,788
our brilliant mothers
and native soil?
212
00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:36,590
And let him deny us
cheeseburgers?
213
00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:37,525
No!No!
No!No!
214
00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:39,426
No, we are not.
215
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:40,293
USA!
216
00:07:40,327 --> 00:07:41,294
All: USA!
217
00:07:41,328 --> 00:07:42,429
USA!
218
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:43,664
USA!
219
00:07:43,697 --> 00:07:44,765
USA!
220
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:46,266
USA!
221
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:47,501
USA!
222
00:07:47,535 --> 00:07:49,136
USA! USA!
223
00:07:49,169 --> 00:07:52,439
It was like that movie
"Braveheart," minus the skirts.
224
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:55,375
No matter what, you can't
just take a bus on a joyride.
225
00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:56,610
You're not a kid
anymore,
226
00:07:56,644 --> 00:07:59,212
and you can't make waves
in a different country.
227
00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:00,380
No, Eddie was right.
228
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,316
He was?
I was?
229
00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:06,119
You stood up for yourself,
like you should have.
230
00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:07,354
Eternity grounding lifted.
231
00:08:07,387 --> 00:08:10,724
Yes! You heard her!
She said it! No take-backs!
232
00:08:10,758 --> 00:08:16,730
**
233
00:08:16,764 --> 00:08:18,632
Ooh!
234
00:08:18,666 --> 00:08:21,201
Evan likey.
235
00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:23,871
So, if Eddie makes a formal
apology, then you'll let
236
00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:26,073
our other sons participate
in cultural exchange?
237
00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:28,075
No apology necessary.
Bye-bye!
238
00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:30,744
Jessica! I was making a deal
with the exchange program.
239
00:08:30,778 --> 00:08:33,814
If Eddie just apologizes,
the boys can go to Taiwan.
240
00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:36,984
So you want him to just
roll over and play dead like...
241
00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:39,987
some kind of animal
that rolls over and plays dead?
242
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:41,655
This just isn't worth it,
Jessica.
243
00:08:41,689 --> 00:08:44,658
Look, I get
the instinct to fight.
244
00:08:44,692 --> 00:08:47,427
When I first moved here, I never
backed down from anything.
245
00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:51,999
Whoa. Relax there,
fresh-off-the-boat.
246
00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:53,200
I was here first.
247
00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:56,770
Okay, here's
what's gonna happen.
248
00:08:56,804 --> 00:08:58,105
I'm going to
punch your throat,
249
00:08:58,138 --> 00:08:59,873
then kick your throat,
then chop your throat,
250
00:08:59,907 --> 00:09:01,208
and that's just
your throat.
251
00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:04,511
You never told me
that story.
252
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:05,746
Yeah, because
he beat the hell out of me.
253
00:09:05,779 --> 00:09:08,248
That's why my jaw clicks
whenever I eat a Tootsie Roll.
254
00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:09,783
Still, it was good
that I lost.
255
00:09:09,817 --> 00:09:11,719
I'm not sure
you understand fights.
256
00:09:11,752 --> 00:09:14,087
[ Sighs ] I realized
you have to pick your battles.
257
00:09:14,121 --> 00:09:15,956
You want to fight
every injustice,
258
00:09:15,989 --> 00:09:17,390
especially
as a new immigrant,
259
00:09:17,424 --> 00:09:19,893
but some dumb comment
in a grocery store
260
00:09:19,927 --> 00:09:21,929
wasn't worth it,
and neither is this.
261
00:09:21,962 --> 00:09:24,197
Eddie made a mistake.
He should apologize.
262
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:27,100
Well, that's just not how
I want to raise our boys.
263
00:09:27,134 --> 00:09:29,402
If they feel like
they've been wronged,
264
00:09:29,436 --> 00:09:31,271
they should fight --
every time.
265
00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:36,543
**
266
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:37,778
Peek-a-boo!
267
00:09:37,811 --> 00:09:39,713
[ Gurgling ]
268
00:09:39,747 --> 00:09:41,148
Peek-a-boo!
269
00:09:41,181 --> 00:09:42,282
[ Coos ]
270
00:09:42,315 --> 00:09:44,117
Peek-a-boo!
Peek-a-boo!
271
00:09:44,151 --> 00:09:45,552
[ Sighs ]
272
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:48,656
Will you just take
the flippin' bottle?!
273
00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:52,325
[ Giggles ]
Aha!
274
00:09:52,359 --> 00:09:53,794
[ Squeak ]
[ Giggles ]
275
00:09:53,827 --> 00:09:55,963
[ Sighs ] Guess we'll do this
the hard way.
276
00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:56,964
[ Squeak ]
277
00:09:56,997 --> 00:09:59,499
Bbbbbbbbbbbbbb!
278
00:10:02,670 --> 00:10:06,073
[ Jaw clicking ]
279
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:07,841
[ Knock on door ]
280
00:10:07,875 --> 00:10:09,309
Permission
to come aboard.
281
00:10:09,342 --> 00:10:11,011
Hey!
Hey.
282
00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:12,780
I hope we're
not interrupting. Mm.
283
00:10:12,813 --> 00:10:15,182
We just wanted to talk
about Evan's babysitting.
284
00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:16,817
He's been a little...
285
00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:17,818
Harsh.
286
00:10:17,851 --> 00:10:18,986
Harsh?Harsh?
287
00:10:23,824 --> 00:10:26,126
There's a camera
inside the bear.
288
00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:27,795
Uhh...what?
289
00:10:27,828 --> 00:10:30,931
Peek-a-boo!
There's one in the moose at the country club,
290
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,700
so be sure to keep
your limericks clean.
291
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:35,302
[ Maria fussing ]
292
00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:38,672
If you don't drink
your milk,
293
00:10:38,706 --> 00:10:40,640
this is
what's gonna happen.
294
00:10:40,674 --> 00:10:41,641
[ Squeaking ]
295
00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:42,542
[ Crying ]
296
00:10:42,575 --> 00:10:43,677
Evan!
297
00:10:43,711 --> 00:10:44,812
[ Sighs ]
298
00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:47,480
We'll handle this.
I'm really sorry, guys.
299
00:10:47,514 --> 00:10:49,382
They just wanted
to tell us, Louis.
300
00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:50,818
They didn't come
for an apology.
301
00:10:50,851 --> 00:10:53,653
I mean, it wouldn't be the
craziest thing in the world --
302
00:10:53,687 --> 00:10:55,022
Uh, let's go, Honey.
Come on. Okay.
303
00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:57,490
[ Door opens ]
304
00:10:57,524 --> 00:10:58,491
[ Door closes ]
305
00:10:58,525 --> 00:10:59,827
What was that?!
306
00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:01,962
Okay, I didn't
actually spank her.
307
00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:04,297
I was simply suggesting
an alternative outcome
308
00:11:04,331 --> 00:11:05,866
if she refused
the bottle.
309
00:11:05,899 --> 00:11:09,336
Look, this isn't gonna be
popular, what I'm about to say,
310
00:11:09,369 --> 00:11:11,071
but here it comes --
311
00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:12,305
she a bitch.
312
00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,507
Evan,
that's my goddaughter!
313
00:11:14,541 --> 00:11:16,509
Hey, I'm just
standing up for myself.
314
00:11:16,543 --> 00:11:17,510
Like Eddie!
315
00:11:17,544 --> 00:11:19,146
[ Scoffs ]
316
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:21,581
Chimichanga! This house
is out of control!
317
00:11:21,614 --> 00:11:25,252
Now your "no apology" philosophy
has corrupted Evan, too!
318
00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:29,056
**
319
00:11:29,089 --> 00:11:30,423
Ma, please tell me
320
00:11:30,457 --> 00:11:32,592
this meeting's to announce
a new phone number.
321
00:11:32,625 --> 00:11:33,861
I can't hit up Tina
322
00:11:33,894 --> 00:11:35,595
because that Taiwanese reporter
won't stop calling.
323
00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:38,899
And I had to
unplug my phone.
324
00:11:38,932 --> 00:11:42,435
I wanted to announce that
I spoke to the exchange program,
325
00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:44,604
and the boys
can now participate!
326
00:11:44,637 --> 00:11:46,774
Yes!
This is why you lead us.
327
00:11:46,807 --> 00:11:50,110
I realized that sometimes
you do have to compromise
328
00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:51,678
for the good of others.
329
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:53,413
So Eddie's
going to apologize.
330
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:55,715
Good God, no.
I made a deal.
331
00:11:55,749 --> 00:11:56,716
Lei?
332
00:11:58,986 --> 00:12:01,288
Boys,
meet your new sister.
333
00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:04,691
Greetings, host family.
334
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,894
**
335
00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:11,932
Isn't this exciting?!
336
00:12:11,965 --> 00:12:13,633
Lei's host family
in Minnesota fell through
337
00:12:13,666 --> 00:12:15,435
because they got lost
in that big mall,
338
00:12:15,468 --> 00:12:17,437
so now she's ours.
339
00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:19,139
Girl,
fetch me a Zima.
340
00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:21,474
Jenny,
she's not our servant.
341
00:12:21,508 --> 00:12:22,776
Ohh.
342
00:12:22,810 --> 00:12:25,645
She's part of the family
for the next year.
343
00:12:25,678 --> 00:12:26,780
Boys,
show Lei to her room.
344
00:12:26,814 --> 00:12:27,614
Where's her room?
345
00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:29,116
Your room.
The hell?!
346
00:12:29,149 --> 00:12:30,650
[ Both chuckle ]
347
00:12:30,683 --> 00:12:31,785
You can move in
with your brothers.
348
00:12:31,819 --> 00:12:33,086
The hell?!The hell?!
349
00:12:34,487 --> 00:12:35,889
Come on, Lei.
350
00:12:35,923 --> 00:12:37,925
FYI, the nightstand
is off-limits --
351
00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:39,126
for your own safety.
352
00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:40,994
Do you know
the Backstreet Boys?
353
00:12:42,529 --> 00:12:44,097
Now, don't get me wrong.
354
00:12:44,131 --> 00:12:45,398
I am already
starting to plan
355
00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:47,300
some father/exchange-daughter
activities,
356
00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:50,137
but wouldn't it just be easier
if Eddie apologizes?
357
00:12:50,170 --> 00:12:51,972
You wanted the boys
back in the program,
358
00:12:52,005 --> 00:12:53,506
so I took care of it.
359
00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:55,342
You won't even know
she's here.
360
00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:57,344
[ Bell Biv DeVoe's "Poison"
plays ]
361
00:12:57,377 --> 00:13:00,480
* That girl is poison
362
00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:01,648
[ Air rushing ]
363
00:13:01,681 --> 00:13:02,649
Hi.
364
00:13:02,682 --> 00:13:04,317
**
365
00:13:04,351 --> 00:13:05,853
* Never trust a big butt
and a smile *
366
00:13:05,886 --> 00:13:08,989
[ Low-pitched notes playing ]
* That girl is poison
367
00:13:09,022 --> 00:13:10,991
* Poison
368
00:13:11,024 --> 00:13:11,791
* Poison
369
00:13:11,825 --> 00:13:13,293
[ Notes stop ]
370
00:13:13,326 --> 00:13:14,794
**
371
00:13:14,828 --> 00:13:16,964
[ Notes resume ]
372
00:13:16,997 --> 00:13:18,966
* Poison
373
00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:19,766
* Poison
374
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,168
[ Sighs ]
375
00:13:21,201 --> 00:13:22,202
* Poison
376
00:13:22,235 --> 00:13:24,371
I'm baking the family
a cake!
377
00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:25,672
Yum!
378
00:13:25,705 --> 00:13:28,108
* Poison
379
00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:31,178
[ Telephone rings ]
380
00:13:32,179 --> 00:13:33,713
* Poison, poison, poison
381
00:13:33,746 --> 00:13:34,982
Hello?
382
00:13:35,015 --> 00:13:37,851
Yes, this is
Cheeseburger Boy's family.
383
00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:40,954
Eddie, why can't you
make your bed?
384
00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:44,224
This is our fire lane.
It's got to stay clear.
385
00:13:44,257 --> 00:13:45,558
If I roll it up,
it won't dry.
386
00:13:45,592 --> 00:13:47,327
Why is it wet
in the first place?
387
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:48,828
Because of
my sleep soda.
388
00:13:48,862 --> 00:13:51,031
One of you turds
kicked it over last night.
389
00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:53,166
And why does Lei
get her own room?
390
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,869
Do I get one if I pick up
an instrument twice my size?
391
00:13:55,903 --> 00:13:57,470
Because I can go harp.
392
00:13:57,504 --> 00:14:00,007
I can go harp lickety-split
like a crazy man!
393
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:01,841
Dude, Evan's
really freaking out.
394
00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:04,978
Not so fun when someone
newer and cuter shows up.
395
00:14:05,012 --> 00:14:06,579
Welcome to irrelevance.
396
00:14:06,613 --> 00:14:08,548
Population --
nobody's counting.
397
00:14:08,581 --> 00:14:10,650
[ Gasps ] That's it!
398
00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:13,020
That's why
Maria's in such a bad mood.
399
00:14:13,053 --> 00:14:14,187
[ Sighs ]
400
00:14:14,221 --> 00:14:17,524
Honey's new baby
is Maria's Lei.
401
00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:19,626
[ Whispering ]
Just nod along.
402
00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:24,164
Hey, hey. Hi.
[ Chuckles ]
403
00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:25,765
How are we doing
with Lei?
404
00:14:25,798 --> 00:14:27,200
Not great, Pops.
405
00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:29,036
Yeah, this is a mess.
406
00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:30,737
All she does is shower
and bake cakes.
407
00:14:30,770 --> 00:14:32,105
I gained 10 pounds.
408
00:14:32,139 --> 00:14:33,406
10 dirty pounds.
409
00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:34,874
[ Knock on door ]
Shh! It's Lei! Act natural!
410
00:14:37,744 --> 00:14:40,580
Hey, Evan, do you still have
your Beanie Babies?
411
00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:42,115
Lei wants to know
about American toys.
412
00:14:43,116 --> 00:14:44,751
No.
413
00:14:44,784 --> 00:14:46,886
Jessica, we need to talk about
Lei. Close the door, please.
414
00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:50,123
No. Louis, quit complaining
about your host daughter!
415
00:14:50,157 --> 00:14:52,125
She's a sweet girl!
416
00:14:52,159 --> 00:14:53,360
She showers regularly,
417
00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:55,395
she knows her way
around a cake tin,
418
00:14:55,428 --> 00:14:57,797
and I haven't heard a peep
from her all week.
419
00:14:57,830 --> 00:14:59,732
Lei is on TV!
420
00:14:59,766 --> 00:15:05,638
**
421
00:15:05,672 --> 00:15:06,773
Damn it, Eddie!
422
00:15:06,806 --> 00:15:09,109
This is why we keep
the fire lane clear!
423
00:15:09,142 --> 00:15:11,611
[ Speaking Mandarin ]
424
00:15:11,644 --> 00:15:13,646
[ Lei speaking Mandarin ]
425
00:15:19,819 --> 00:15:22,522
See? They turn everyone
into a villain.
426
00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:30,998
Nobody asked you
to make delicious cakes!
427
00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:38,338
**
428
00:15:38,371 --> 00:15:41,741
You left before Lei told Taiwan
I'm vain about my hair!
429
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:42,842
What a liar, right?
430
00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:43,910
I know.
431
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:45,645
Taiwan sent us a dud.
432
00:15:45,678 --> 00:15:47,147
Maybe I can trade her in.
433
00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:48,948
They did mention
a set of twins.
434
00:15:48,982 --> 00:15:50,517
She's not a dud,
Jessica.
435
00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:52,785
And her German chocolate
is wunderbar.
436
00:15:52,819 --> 00:15:55,355
The problem is,
you upended this whole family
437
00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:57,524
all because
you refuse to apologize.
438
00:15:58,825 --> 00:16:00,493
You're right.
439
00:16:00,527 --> 00:16:03,030
Her German chocolate
is excellent.
440
00:16:03,063 --> 00:16:05,999
But her buttercream is
a little bit "grocery store."
441
00:16:06,033 --> 00:16:07,300
Jessica!
442
00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:09,302
Eddie stole a bus
to eat a cheeseburger.
443
00:16:09,336 --> 00:16:11,671
You know he wasn't really
standing up for something.
444
00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:14,807
Fine!
I knew he was lying.
445
00:16:14,841 --> 00:16:17,144
Maybe I was just looking
for an excuse to save him.
446
00:16:17,177 --> 00:16:18,811
Save him from what?
447
00:16:18,845 --> 00:16:21,048
When I first moved
to this country,
448
00:16:21,081 --> 00:16:23,383
I didn't know the language
or the culture.
449
00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:25,652
I would
shrink my shoulders,
450
00:16:25,685 --> 00:16:28,621
put my head down,
and try to be invisible.
451
00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:30,223
The immigrant shrivel.
452
00:16:30,257 --> 00:16:33,126
A model minority.
453
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:35,795
I didn't want
to cause any trouble,
454
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:38,465
so I apologized
all the time,
455
00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:40,467
even when I wasn't wrong,
like you do.
456
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:44,003
Until one day,
back when I was teaching,
457
00:16:44,037 --> 00:16:46,306
I gave this kid an F.
458
00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:47,507
He got upset,
459
00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:49,676
and he told his parents
that I shouted at him,
460
00:16:49,709 --> 00:16:51,211
which I didn't do,
461
00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:54,381
but instead of
standing up for myself,
462
00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:56,183
I agreed to apologize.
463
00:16:56,216 --> 00:16:59,352
I'm very sorry
for what happened with Steven.
464
00:16:59,386 --> 00:17:01,354
Please accept
my apology.
465
00:17:01,388 --> 00:17:02,989
Thank you.
466
00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:04,524
[ Sighs ]
467
00:17:04,557 --> 00:17:06,093
You're still gonna
fire her, right?
468
00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:08,995
We'd hate to have to tell
the school board about this.
469
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:09,996
Uh--
470
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,098
Yes.
471
00:17:11,131 --> 00:17:13,600
I suppose that is
the only appropriate move.
472
00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:15,068
What?
473
00:17:15,102 --> 00:17:16,103
You understand, Jessica.
474
00:17:16,136 --> 00:17:18,705
It's just easier
this way.
475
00:17:18,738 --> 00:17:20,940
I did everything
they wanted me to,
476
00:17:20,973 --> 00:17:22,442
but I still lost my job.
477
00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:26,079
I felt
so powerless and weak.
478
00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:28,415
I don't want the boys
to ever feel that.
479
00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:32,252
Eddie being alone
in a new country,
480
00:17:32,285 --> 00:17:35,922
like we were,
brought all that back.
481
00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:39,526
And in two years, he's gonna be
out on his own for good.
482
00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:42,462
Jessica...
483
00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:44,131
we have great kids.
484
00:17:44,164 --> 00:17:46,266
And they have the strongest
mother in the world.
485
00:17:46,299 --> 00:17:47,700
I am strong.
486
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:49,769
But even great kids
make mistakes.
487
00:17:49,802 --> 00:17:52,372
Eddie owning that
won't make him weak.
488
00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:54,974
Saying sorry is one of
the hardest things you ever do.
489
00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:56,309
[ Sighs ]
490
00:17:56,343 --> 00:17:59,078
If the boys learn to do that,
it'll only make them stronger.
491
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:05,118
[ Babbling ]
492
00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:06,719
Evan:
Thanks for having me over.
493
00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:08,321
There's something
I need to say to Maria.
494
00:18:08,355 --> 00:18:10,757
[ Clicks tongue ]
That's so sweet. [ Chuckles ]
495
00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:13,160
Maria, I forgive you.
496
00:18:13,193 --> 00:18:14,461
Huh?
497
00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:15,595
I thought you hated me
because you had
498
00:18:15,628 --> 00:18:17,130
all the compassion
of a bag of sand.
499
00:18:17,164 --> 00:18:19,499
But then I realized
it's not about me.
500
00:18:19,532 --> 00:18:22,435
You were just upset a new baby's
gonna take your place,
501
00:18:22,469 --> 00:18:23,936
but nobody
could ever do that.
502
00:18:26,306 --> 00:18:28,241
There's that smile!
503
00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:29,242
But she's
not smiling --
504
00:18:29,276 --> 00:18:30,410
No,
let him have this.
505
00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:32,979
He's working through
something.
506
00:18:33,012 --> 00:18:35,148
[ Fussing ]
507
00:18:35,182 --> 00:18:36,516
[ Chuckles ]
508
00:18:38,185 --> 00:18:40,019
After Eddie apologizes,
509
00:18:40,052 --> 00:18:42,422
your other sons
can participate in the program,
510
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:43,823
and Lei will go
to another home.
511
00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:46,293
Close to
a Planet Hollywood?
512
00:18:46,326 --> 00:18:48,495
Just to be clear --
513
00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:50,363
if you had actually
been standing up for yourself,
514
00:18:50,397 --> 00:18:52,098
I would never
let you do this.
515
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:53,132
You knew I was lying?
516
00:18:53,166 --> 00:18:54,667
I always know
when you're lying.
517
00:18:54,701 --> 00:18:56,869
Plus, you are not
charismatic enough
518
00:18:56,903 --> 00:18:59,839
to get a bus full of children
to chant "USA."
519
00:18:59,872 --> 00:19:01,541
I know.
520
00:19:01,574 --> 00:19:02,542
Sorry, Ma.
521
00:19:02,575 --> 00:19:03,476
[ Sighs ]
522
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:04,844
I must admit,
I do love the word
523
00:19:04,877 --> 00:19:06,546
when it's coming
in my direction.
524
00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:08,815
So maybe you'll start
saying it yourself?
525
00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:11,284
[ Chuckles ] Oh, Louis,
I love your optimism.
526
00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:13,720
Okay.
Here come the words.
527
00:19:13,753 --> 00:19:15,955
[ Clears throat ] Mm.
528
00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:18,157
I'm sorry I took the tour bus
and crashed it
529
00:19:18,191 --> 00:19:19,726
and shut down
half of Taipei.
530
00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:22,729
It was immature,
and I'm really sorry.
531
00:19:24,231 --> 00:19:25,965
Thank you
for this opportunity
532
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:27,900
and for lifting the ban
on our boys.
533
00:19:27,934 --> 00:19:30,069
Uh, well,
it would go a long way
534
00:19:30,102 --> 00:19:32,639
if you two
also expressed some remorse --
535
00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:35,842
for raising
such a reckless son?
536
00:19:39,912 --> 00:19:41,881
Uh, Jessica,
remember --
537
00:19:41,914 --> 00:19:43,550
sometimes
you just have to apologize.
538
00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:47,887
Now is not
one of those times.
539
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:49,322
Okay. Here's
what's gonna happen. [ Neck cracks ]
540
00:19:49,356 --> 00:19:50,823
I'm going to
punch your throat,
541
00:19:50,857 --> 00:19:52,825
then kick your throat,
then chop your throat.
542
00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:55,828
And that's
just your throat.
543
00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:58,831
**
544
00:19:58,865 --> 00:20:00,700
All: Bye, Lei!
545
00:20:03,236 --> 00:20:05,238
I borrowed 100 bucks
from her.
546
00:20:05,272 --> 00:20:06,373
She'll never see it.
547
00:20:06,406 --> 00:20:09,342
I'm impressed you got us
out of that meeting
548
00:20:09,376 --> 00:20:10,743
without apologizing.
549
00:20:10,777 --> 00:20:12,912
Hmm. I'm just glad I didn't
have to fight that guy.
550
00:20:12,945 --> 00:20:15,615
He seemed like the type who
secretly has a rocked-up core.
551
00:20:15,648 --> 00:20:17,750
Wiry.
Like Linda Hamilton. Mm.
552
00:20:19,252 --> 00:20:21,554
God bless whoever
winds up with that monster.
553
00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:25,858
**
554
00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:26,893
Okay.
555
00:20:30,463 --> 00:20:32,299
**
556
00:20:32,332 --> 00:20:34,133
Hey, can we hit
that drive-thru?
557
00:20:34,166 --> 00:20:35,134
No!No!No!No!
558
00:20:35,167 --> 00:20:36,736
Jessica: Oh,
that reminds me, Eddie.
559
00:20:36,769 --> 00:20:39,806
You are un-un-grounded,
Cheeseburger Boy.
560
00:20:39,839 --> 00:20:41,140
What? Mom,
you can't ground me.
561
00:20:41,173 --> 00:20:42,775
I'm gonna be
a junior in high school.
562
00:20:42,809 --> 00:20:44,277
That means I own you
for another two,
563
00:20:44,311 --> 00:20:45,445
possibly three years.
564
00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:47,146
And I'm gonna make sure
those years
565
00:20:47,179 --> 00:20:48,948
feel as long as possible.
566
00:20:51,150 --> 00:20:54,220
Hey, you can still listen
to music, Eddie. You love music!
567
00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:55,888
[ Sugar Ray's "Every Morning"
plays ]
568
00:20:55,922 --> 00:20:56,989
Huh?
569
00:20:58,625 --> 00:21:01,227
* Every morning,
there's a halo hangin' *
570
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:05,332
* From the corner of
my girlfriend's four-post bed *
571
00:21:05,365 --> 00:21:06,999
I love you guys,
but I'm out.
572
00:21:07,033 --> 00:21:09,135
* I know it's not mine,
but I'll... *
573
00:21:09,168 --> 00:21:11,137
[ The Notorious B.I.G.'s
"Big Poppa" plays ]
574
00:21:11,170 --> 00:21:13,005
* Uh, work it out *
575
00:21:13,039 --> 00:21:14,841
* Yeah, yeah *
576
00:21:14,874 --> 00:21:18,010
**
577
00:21:18,044 --> 00:21:19,679
* Junior M.A.F.I.A. *
578
00:21:19,712 --> 00:21:21,481
**
579
00:21:21,514 --> 00:21:23,916
* Oh, oh, ohhhhh,
oh, oh, oh *
580
00:21:23,950 --> 00:21:26,353
* Shut the door, baby,
don't say a word *
581
00:21:26,386 --> 00:21:27,854
Think that's a good idea.
582
00:21:27,887 --> 00:21:29,188
Hmm.
583
00:21:29,238 --> 00:21:33,788
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