All language subtitles for Fresh Off the Boat s05e19 Vice Mommy.eng

♪♪

As you all know,
I have recently enrolled

in Orlando State University's

prestigious
school administration program.

I was holding for applause.

[applause]

Thank you, thank you.
You're too kind.

It's time this bird
flew back to school

to become the teacher-boss
she was always meant to be.

I won't be around as much,
but don't worry.

I will be leaving you
in very capable hands.

Everybody, please give
your full attention and respect

to...

Evan.

♪♪

Thank you.
It's an honor.

Evan's in charge?
But what about Dad?

Oh, well,
I can't be in charge

'cause I'm too busy
running the restaurant.

Yes, that's exactly it.

I have appointed Evan
to the position of Vice Mommy.

Vice Mommy?
Sounds like a made-up job.

Well, "Emery" sounds like
a made-up name, so...

[chuckles]

Vice Mommy,
the floor is yours.

♪♪

I want to work withyou,
not atyou,

so, please,
for the love of God,

work withme.

I don't hear applause.

[applause]

♪♪

♪ Fresh off the boat♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine
everywhere I go♪

♪ If you don't know, homey,
now you know♪

♪ Fresh off the boat♪

♪ Homey, you don't know
where I come from♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin'♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat♪

♪♪

There's a cookie in here
with your name on it,

but promise me
you'll eat your carrots first.

Yes, Vice Mommy.

[rustling, zipper closes]

Wait, did you --

Hide Dad's purple tie
so he doesn't waste 15 minutes

debating if
he can pull it off?

Yes.

Good. Did you --

Clean the hair
out of the drain

so Emery doesn't think
it's a shower rat?

No.
He needs to learn.

Yes.

He must be braver.

[sighs]
I guess I'm just nervous.

As the roaring engine
of the Huang family machine,

I'm afraid things will
fall apart without me.

Maybe I should just
stay home,

put school off
for another year...

or 10.

Woman!
That's crazy talk!

This is your dream!

I know, but what if Eddie
forgets to pack for Taiwan

or Grandma succeeds
in throwing that party

she's been threatening to throw
for two years?

Relax.
I've got you covered.

I've even scheduled
Vice Mommy Reports,

or "VMRs."

Each night, we'll decompress
over a game of Scrabble,

and I'll fill you in
on news from the home front.

Sounds good.

Sprinkle in
some current events, too.

I like to be informed.

Come on.
You'll miss the bus.

I'm driving.

They grow up so fast.

Thank you, Evan.

I don't know
what I'd do without you.

[door opens, closes]

Don't even think about it.

[sighs] Why are you
such a bummer?

Because things are changing
around here.

A lesser boy
may be worried

about losing his mommy
to school, but not me.

I'm gonna make sure
everything runs perfectly

so that Mommy will have
more than enough time for me.

[speaking Chinese]

I'll take that
as a compliment.

Now, please,

turn around and count to 30
so I can hide the phone.

[button clacks]

[whirring]

TRENT: Hey, delivery boy,

these guys may look like
regular cans,

but they're all
secretly wallets.

You can borrow 'em
for your trip.

Oh, thanks!

But I'll respectfully pass
on "Sensitive Skin" here.

Don't want thieves thinking
I can't handle a normal shave.

Oh, man.

I can't believe you're travelingabroad, all by yourself.

Yeah, I'm pretty stoked for
this cultural exchange program.

I feel worldly
and mature,

like I just tried sushi
for the first time.

And you're not freaked out
at all?

Taiwan's pretty far away.

Like,
farther than England.

The only thing
I'm nervous about

is asking Tinato be my girlfriend before I go.

She challenged me
to improve myself,

and I think I have.

I noticed you've been
carrying around a hanky.

Oh, my gentleman's napkin?

Yeah.

I think I'm ready
to ask her out.

I'd say so.

You and my sister
going steady --

how thrilling.

Have you picked out the pin?
Can I see?

-The pin?
-To make it official,

my dad says
you have to offer up a pin.

I keep one on me
at all times.

Oh, crap.

Is this another one of the
old man's antiquated customs?

Until last year,
I thought

every family practiced
hiding underground

in case
the Ruskis get any ideas.

[triangle clanging]

Gather 'round,
Cattlemen and women!

It is that time
of the month.

Uh, I mean,it's Employee of the Month time.

[chuckles]

Now, the winner
of this month's award

is clearly driven.

He's had this in the bag.

He never phones it in,

but you can always count on him
to deliver.

[chuckles]
I wonder who it is!

The winner is...

my baby boy...

Who is it?

You still don't get it?

...Eddie! [chuckles]

Huh. Must be nice
to be the boss' son.

Uh, Dad, thanks,
but I don't want you

to give me special treatment
just because I'm your son.

No, there's
no special treatment.

You earned this
fair and square.

[baby-talking] I can't help it
if my little boy

is killing it
at his big, grown-up job!

[chuckles]

Wow, our first
Asian Employee of the Month.

What took so long,
Louis?

[grunts]
Sat on my pin!

Don't you dare tell anyone
I'm dating my butt.

I'm adding an "I-V-E."

"Productive"!

Which is what I've been
while you were at school.

Is this really
your best work?

Yeah.

Okay.

If you think it's your best
work, then I believe you.

♪♪

Mm. These definitely
aren't worker hands.

Smooth as the city.

Sorry. It's what
Mommy would say.

So, uh,
a li'l birdie told me

you were making it official
with Tina.

Let me guess.

Is this li'l birdie
dating his own butt?

Ah, ah, ah!

Personal conversations
afterchores.

Pretty good job, right?

Mommy?

This is ourtime.

I'm totally listening.
What's up?

Something wrong?

You played "sad"and didn't make anything plural.

I'm thinking about school.

Oh. I see.

I got a B
on my first assignment.

Not you!
You're an A-plus Mommy!

How did this happen?!

I don't know!

I'm doing my best,
and the professor loves me.

I mean, can you blame her?

Well, what can I do to help?

I am your Vice Mommy,
after all.

And you're doing
a great job.

I'm sure I'll figure it out.

I think I'm gonna turn in.

We'll just
call this a tie.

A tie?

[whirring]

So, I don't need
a big party.

What if I invite, like,
oh, four friends over?

We stay in my room.

My friends are cool.

We'll keep it chill.

Not now.

I'm losing Mommy time

because she's not
doing well in school.

I wish she would just
let me help.

You? Help?

[laughs]
What you going to do, huh?

Stow away
in her backpack?

[laughs]

Ah. Toasted.

[laughs]

[door opens, closes]

Big tips tonight. Look close.

You might even see a Lincoln.

What the hell?

TRENT:
Whew! Quite a load.

You got your nickel's worth
out of that diaper.

The whole staff signed it
to wish you a good trip!

Do you like it?

No! I hate it!

I-I'm not wearing pants
in some of these.

Oh, come on.
You're adorable!

Look at those
tender baby-boy thighs.

Don't call me "baby boy"!

Chad can totally hear us.

Just look busy,
like you can't even hear.

Listen, you're doing
so great at work,

and you're about to
travel abroad all alone.

I can't help but be proud.

Fine,
but that doesn't mean

you need to broadcast
your feelings at work.

Just...
act like my boss, please.

I'm nothing
if not boss-like.

Well, most bosses
don't have access

to their employees'
baby pictures.

Please, just leave
your dad hat at home.

[sighs]
No more special treatment.

I'm your employee here.
That's it.

But you bought me Springsteen
tickets for Father's Day!

The Boss on Father's Day?

You startedthis confusion!

If we're changing our
Employee of the Month photos,

I'd love to use one
where my eyes aren't so open.

I'd also love a few weeks
so I can get a tan.

♪♪

Just so you know,
none of these are plastic.

Thank you, Jessica.

With this harvest,

I won't have to visit the doctorfor at least a month.

[forced laughter]

Oh, that's a very good joke,
Professor.

Ah.

Let's remember
this happy feeling always.

You know, especially
come grading time.

[chuckles]

EVAN: 'Scuse me.

Is this seat taken?

Evan?

That's right.

There's a new
big man on campus,

and he's little.

Evan,
this is grown-up school.

Kids aren't allowed here.

It's okay.
I'm only here to help.

I'm an excellent student.

Is this a friend of yours?

[forced laughter]Each joke funnier than the last.

-Mm.
-Evan Huang.

Believe it or not,
this young lady right here

is my mother.

Good genes.
What can I say?

Sorry to impose, but we had
some childcare issues.

It's so hard to find
good help these days.

Isn't it, though?

Is it all right
if I stay?

I have some...coloring
to catch up on.

You won't even know
I'm here.

I don't see why not.

[chuckles]

[sighs]

I'm afraid my class load
is far too great

for me to hold
office hours.

Instead, uh, you all know
my T.A., Burt Palouska.

"Professor too busy.

Needs help
from Burt Papusa."

Burt is more than willing
to help.

He is going to pass out
a sign-up sheet right now.

A little bit about me --
my full name is Ferburt.

I am nota family man.

I do have s--

Burt,
the sign-up sheet.

Oh. Right.

Oh, no, thanks.
You're not the real teacher.

Oh.

Bingo.

♪♪

I didn't realize this trip
required so much shaving.

Oh, my travel cans?
They're all secretly wallets.

I stored all my money
in them.

Emery, you're supposedly
good with ladies, right?

This is supposedly true.

Well, let me ask you.

If I wanted
to impress Tina,

would cooking her
a romantic dinner

be a good idea?

That's a greatidea.

She'll melt just like butter
on top of...

some hot food.

[chuckles]

LOUIS: You know, the person

you shouldbe thinking about
is your boss.

Have you told him
about your trip?

Dad,
you know about my trip.

Oh, yes,
Iknow about your trip,

but your bossdoesn't.

I'm lost.

Did a famous musician
take over Cattleman's again?

Well, since we're at home,
I have my dad hat on.

Allow me to give you
some fatherly advice.

Whenever you take a trip,

you always need
to check in at work,

fill out the proper
time-off forms, et cetera.

For real?

For real.

You said you didn't want
any special treatment.

Ew. All your money's wet.

Wow. College is like
the Wild, Wild West.

People coming and going
without bathroom passes.

Somebody had a computer.

There was a girl
who could sit on her own hair.

Ugh. Denise.

When she buns it up,
I can't see the board.

Well, it was so great
spending the day together.

And also,
I figured out your problem.

It's Burt.

What's Burt?

The T.A.

He holds the key to your A.

Guy who turns on
the projector?

Yeah.

He's also the one
who grades the papers

and does
all the grunt work

while the professor
soaks in all the glory.

He's the wind
beneath her wings.

Exactly.

So you need to win him over.

Go to his office hours.
Invite him over here to dinner.

And together, we'll charm him
all the way to A-Plus Town.

Or, better yet --

-A-Plus City.
-Mm.

It's like a town, but with
more people and more crime.

There comes a time
in every young man's life

when he's faced
with the question --

are you gonna beat
this duck à l'orange recipe,

or are you gonna let thisduck à l'orange recipe beat you?

Scoot over, li'l bro.

I gotta cook for my
would-be lady before I leave.

Work my culinary magic.

Sorry, can't.

I need the kitchen
so I can dazzle Burt Papusa.

Who the hell
is Burt Papusa?

I don't have time to explain
who everyone is to you!

If you look
at the family schedule,

you'll see that
I have reserved the kitchen.

As Vice Mommy, I'm gonna
have to insist that you leave.

You're gonna have to find
another kitchen

for your little flirt fest.

What is going on
in this house?

You're the mom,
Dad's the boss,

and Grandma asked me
to drive her to get a keg.

Please tell me you didn't.

Relax. She refused to put
a deposit down on the tap,

so we just turned around.

[sighs]

Damn, girl! You finished
that whole steak!

EDDIE [thinking]:
What was that? Come on, Huang!

You're trying
to ask this girl out!

I'm just messing with you.

[laughs]

You're damn right
I ate that whole steak!

I always finish
what I start.

I'm not afraid
of commitment.

EDDIE: Oh, man,
she's giving you nothing.

You're just gonna
have to go for it.

Um, look, Tina.

I have something
I want to ask.

What's all this?

Hey, Mr. Huang.

Tina, always a pleasure.

Ooh, clean plate club.
Nice. [chuckles]

Eddie, a word, please?

Dad, you just interrupted
my romantic moment.

Look, no one wants you and Tina
together more than me,

but you used the work kitchen
without permission.

If you were any other employee,
you'd be fired.

See, Evan kicked me out,
so I had to find another --

Stop right there.

We're at work.
I have my boss hat on.

I can't get in the middle
of your family drama.

Come on, Dad.
You're taking this too far.

You're the one who wanted
to draw these lines,

but only when
it was convenient for you.

Clean the kitchen -- now!

I should let you
get back to work.

Um, I'll walk you out.

It's fine.
Do your thing.

I'll see you later, okay?

♪♪

Thanks a lot, boss.

♪♪

It was worth the battle

to get Mommy
to buy these butter knives.

[door opens]

Evan, your plan worked.

Oh, it did?

What a surprise!

Burt was thrilled that
I attended his office hours.

Yes. I love it.

Where is that son of a gun?
My duck's getting cold.

Oh, change of plans.

Burt invited me
to join his study group

that meets tonight!

So, he's not coming
for dinner?

No.

But the duck looks great,
though.

You keep cooking like this
for the family,

you're gonna
make me look bad.

Wait!

We still need
to do our VMR.

Oh, you don't have to
do those for me anymore.

I know you have everything
under control.

[door closes]

Hey, Julia Child.

I'm taking this guy
back to my room.

Maybe a fun party

will turn your frown
upside-down?

[sighs] I can't believe
my plan backfired.

Instead of securing
more time with Mommy,

I've pushed her intothe waiting arms of Burt Papusa.

Aren't you going to ask
who Burt Papusa is?

I assume he's a wrestler.

Well, he's wrestled Mommy
away from me.

That's for sure.

As long as you'retaking care
of everything here,

she will be free to focus on
wrestling her new friends.

You're right!

Maybe I've been going about thisthe wrong way.

Maybe you and I
can bothget what we want.

Listen, I'm not gonna tell you
where the phone is,

but I willtell you

it's somewhere
that rhymes with "coven."

"Coven."

Oh!

Oven. It's in the oven.
I hid the phone in the oven.

[school bell rings]

[indistinct conversations]

Here's my leave-of-absence
paperwork for Cattleman's.

Dad said
I should give it to you.

Do we have to
do this here?

I like to keep
work and school separate.

Not you, too!

Whoa! Easy, cowboy.

Tell your old pal Trent
what's wrong.

I asked my dad
to respect my boundaries,

and now
he's being a tyrant.

A tyrant?

That doesn't sound like
the Louis I know and love.

Don't take his side!

Oh, sorry.
This is awkward for me.

I'm really good friends
with you both.

You have to admit
we wouldn't be in this fight

if he didn't lay on
the special treatment so thick.

Eddie, you're not the only one
who gets special treatment.

Remember when
I made the honor roll

and he named that dessert
after me?

Trent-a-misu? Yeah.

And when Hector
adopted that cat?

♪ Happy Meow Day to you♪

♪ Happy Meow Day to you♪

I didn't know
you were in there!

Your dad treats
all his employees like family.

I feel terrible.

I just got so self-conscious
when Hector said,

"Must be nice
to be the boss' son."

Oh.
He meant that literally.

Don't feel bad.

Hector's a puzzle I've been
trying to solve for months.

Wow. And you're really good
at puzzles, too.

I know!

♪ I like Angela, Pamela,
Sandra, and Rita ♪

♪ And as I continue, you know they getting sweeter ♪

♪ So what can I do?
I really beg you, my Lord ♪

♪ To me, flirting is
just like a sport ♪

What the hell is this?

MTV Beach House?

You guys know
you can smoke in here, huh?

I don't care.

-I live in the garage!
-[laughter]

Jenny, I have told you
a thousand times --

no parties!

[speaking Chinese]

I'll deal with you later.
Where's Evan?

EVAN: I'm over here.

[sighs]

Evan!

You were supposed to be
in charge.

What happened?

I tried to stop her,
but I only have so much power.

I'm just ViceMommy.

Don't you take
that matronizing tone with me.

Okay, party's over!

Everybody out!

[people groaning]

Don't make me
call your kids!

♪ Jump up and down,
move it all... ♪

[triangle clanging]

Cattlemen and women,
gather 'round!

Eddie, I don't remember giving
you permission to ring Gertie.

It'll be worth it.
Trust me.

I'd like to start
by saying

I had the Huangattitude
about Employee of the Month.

"Huang" is a substitute
for "wrong." Nice wordplay.

I would like
to take this opportunity

to formally apologize
to a special someone.

If he was a city,
he'd be St. Louis.

Is it me?

Where are you going
with this, Eddie?

I'm sorry
I was such a jerk before.

You're not only
the best dad in the world,

you're also
the best boss.

[chuckles]

So, with your blessing,

I would like to re-accept
Employee of the Month,

but under one condition.

That you share it with me.

[gasps]

I'd be honored.

[applause]

Sorry I went overboard
with the baby pictures.

I've just really enjoyed
you working here,

and I wanted to make sure
you knew how I felt

before you left
for Taiwan.

I alwaysknow
how you feel,

embarrassing special treatment
or not.

Well, shall we
get back to it?

Sure, but I have
one more favor.

I know we're at work,
but can you put your dad hat

back on long enough
to give me advice about Tina?

[sighs]

Find me on your break.

This is what happens
when I'm away?

Yes.

I guess you should just quit nowand come back home.

You going back to school
was a big mistake.

No, my big mistake was giving
you too much responsibility!

Maybe I should
put Emeryin charge.

-He can't handle it!
-I can't handle it.

Hey, w-why not me?

[sighs]

It wasn't too much for me.

I let Grandma have the party
on purpose.

What?!

What is going on with you?
Why would you do that?

Because!

You were obsessed with school,
not to mention Burt.

-Who's Burt?
-Not now!

A hot wrestler.

[sighs] I thought I could handleyou going back to school,

but I'm afraid
I'm losing you.

Evan, you're not losing me.

I know this is
a big adjustment.

You know, when youfirst
started school,

I was scared
of losing you, too.

-Really?
-Yes.

And it was hard.

But then I saw
how great school was for you.

You were so happy.

The classroom
was my playground.

You came home every day
with something new to tell me,

and I need to make sure
I can do the same.

So Vice Mommy Reports
are back on.

No exceptions.

-Deal?
-Deal.

You hear that, you two?

Clean up this mess.

[speaking Chinese]

You wanted this party
so badly.

I'll clean whatever.

I'm just happy
notto be in charge.

You'll be happy to know

that I helped Eddie
avoid a packing disaster.

He had all these cans
in his suitcase.

I threw them
all in the recycling

so he knew
he had to pack for real.

-I've taught you well.
-Mm.

Tina,
I'll cut right to it.

I'm shipping out.

Okay...?

I know we've been figuring out
our relationship,

but I'm here to tell you,
I'm a one-woman man --

and that woman is you.

I'm not gonna force your hand,

but I want you to know,

while I'm away,
I'll be thinking of you.

And when I return,

I want to take you out
on a romantic date.

I'm thinking...
hot wings?

What do you say?

♪♪

Well?

Your boy's
off the market!

[laughs] Yes!

That's my employee!

[laughs]

--Captions by VITAC--

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