All language subtitles for Drunk Parents (2019)

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Here we go.

- One, two...
-

- You guys wanna story?
-

Yeah, I got a story.
A fuckin' doozy.

Is this the one
where you say you own Facebook?

Starts like this.

On the seventh day, God rested.

- I love God.
- He's my favorite god.

Yeah, but he's God,
so he knew

that if after six days of crazy
you gotta rest

- on Sunday, right?
- I'd rest every day.

But what about
those poor bastards

going through six days of crazy,

not knowing that the seventh
day is gonna be a day of rest,

or just another day
at the shit store?

Those are the poor bastards
we should toast.

To the shit store!

Who knows, maybe
a couple of angels come along

and nudge him
in the right direction.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

This is the story
of Frank and Nancy Teagarten.

Their seven days started
on the morning

they dropped their daughter
off to college.

Wow.

Seems just like yesterday
I was pushing you on the swings

in Gardner Park.

Yeah.

And now, look
at our college girl,

on her way to becoming
a veterinarian.

Now, baby.
We're just a phone call away,

five-hour car ride away,
50-minute plane ride away.

You know we're there for you,
anything you need.

You have our numbers.

Yes, I practically
have them memorized.

- Good.
- But, don't call

after 10:00 p.m.
'cause we'll probably be asleep.

That was a joke.
You know that was a joke, right?

- Do you like your bed?
- Yeah.

We should have gotten her
a better mattress.

How come we didn't think
of that?

You know what this room needs,
is a Medeco lock.

Medeco makes a very sturdy lock.

- Yeah.
- And what's with this

co-ed dorm?
Why are we doing that?

She's in a co-ed dorm,
whose idea was that?

That's wrong.

I love you guys so much.

Thank you.

Thank you for everything.

? Let go, life does get tough ?

? No need to stress ?

? Hold you back too much ?

? Let's go I heard
They found a solution ?

? Where will you be
For the revolution? ?

? Whoa, whoa, whoa ?

? Whoa, whoa, whoa ?

? Whoa, whoa, whoa ?

? I say to kids ?

? Wake up
Things might get rough ?

? No need to stress
Keeps you down too much ?

? Wake up I heard
They found a solution ?

? Where will you be
For the revolution? ?

? Where will you be
For the revolution? ?

- It's gonna be okay.
- Which part?

All of it. I promise.

Can I help you?

- Sorry, guys. Gotta hook it up.
- Shit!

What, now?

Hey, man.

I'm just doing my job,
all right?

We, uh...

we just dropped our daughter
off at college,

and we've been
really, really busy,

and I'll send a payment
in a few days.

Look, it's not me,
it's Volvo, okay?

They don't fuck around
when it comes to a lease, okay?

I just need a little more time.

There...
there is a backstory here.

Always is, brother. Always is.

Would you like to hear it?

All right, shoot.

I started a medical company.

Put everything we had into it,
making a medical innovation

that's been adding years
to people's lives.

We rolled the dice hard,
but we believed in it.

Then there was a problem.

Small, but enough
for some news stories.

They started calling us
"controversial,"

which is the toughest word
in our business,

and it's been...

bad dominoes ever since.

Now, our daughter doesn't know
at all about this.

We've been holding it together
until she went off to college,

and now we're gonna
hold it together

until we get back on our feet.

What do you make?

- What, salary?
- Product.

Artificial heart valves designed
for transfemoral placement,

- which means...
- Dual leg artery.

I know.

You know what I used to do
before this repo shit?

- Paramedic.
- Oh?

Yeah. People used to be glad
to see me show up.

Yesterday, I had to take
three child seats

out of the back of a Lexus,

lay them out on their lawn,

like I was setting up for some

goddamn baby
Lollapalooza concert,

The Wiggles or some shit.

- Remember them?
- No.

Fuckin' Yum Yum Fruit Salad.

I got kids.

It was sad.

Shit. Okay, look.

I'll tell 'em you weren't here.

But the most I can get you
is days, not weeks. All right?

So, if I were you,

I'd find a way
to put some loot in my suit.

Sell some crack,
or I'll be back!

- Thank you.
- Thank you!

Finally a break.

What about the, uh,

lamp in the den?

It's broken.

So, we sell it, uh,

as is, or we fix it?

We don't fix things, Frank,
we only ruin them...

Hi guys.

- Having a yard sale?
- Uh, no, Bert.

Our living room
puked all over our yard.

- What?
- Bye.

Oh, look, Frank.

A 2,000-dollar Breville Oracle
espresso machine.

And we just had to have it.

But, we never even took it out
of the damn box.

Just be happy that the thing
is still in the box,

it's worth 2,000 dollars,
one-eighth of that is,

it's a... it's a car payment.

Why did we get all this stuff?

Stuff, stuff, stuff everywhere,

and I can't even afford
to get my roots done

or get a bikini wax.

Hey, guys!
You're having a yard sale?

Hi, Jason.

No, Jason, our house got hit
by a tidal wave.

Just ours.

Uh. It's a freak of nature.

'Cause, salt water,
it's like kryptonite

for the wheelchair.

Jason, are you making
a handicap joke?

'Cause...

I'm the one in the...
Uh, Rachel called me.

It sounds like
she made it off fine.

So, the two of you
were trying to make

the long-distance thing work?

The odds are against it, Jason,
and she's ambitious

and you live at home.

- Frank?
- Yes?

Don't pay any attention
to him, Jason.

Well, I'd better be off
to work, so...

Hey, Jason, do you wear
your Staples uniform

under your clothes
like Superman,

or do you go home
and change at your mom's,

where you live, with your mom?

Can't understand the,
the whispered Spanish.

Mr. Teagarten, I'd really like
to get along with you,

even if Rachel and I
are eventually just friends,

nothing more,

'cause I... I think you guys
are amazing people.

Thank you, Jason.

- Have a nice day.
- Yeah.

Enjoy the ride.

It's like,
'cause of the wheelchair.

That's...

- Have a nice one.
-

Nigel, how's it going over there
in London, huh?

Are they still
driving backwards?

What are you talking about?

You know what I mean.

You know, sideways,

the cars...

the street?

Have you been drinking?

Oh, that's hilarious.

Seriously.

Listen to me,
I am gonna be traveling

for a while, all right?

I'm gonna be gone to Nepal,

I'll be gone
for about four months,

I'll be off the grid.

Oh, that's weird.
Hey, listen, Nigel,

while I have you on the phone,

I think I need to ask you
for more money...

to watch the house.

'Cause I'm over there
like three days a week.

What are you talking about?

It's not that hard
to watch my house.

I live right next door to you.

I should... I can get
the kid down the street

to do it for free,

just so he can go in
and watch cable.

Jesus.

What did he say
about more money?

I don't think he's into it.

I'm going to Nigel's
for a minute.

No.

- Hello, this is Frank.
-

Oh, hi. Uh...

Yes, I am going to pay you soon.

Uh, no, I don't know when,

but your credit card
is very important to me, so I...

Oh, yes, I know that, but...

Well, I do wanna work with you,
so how about this?

I'll send you the credit card,

and you just shove it up
your fucking ass.

- Does that work?
-

Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Absolutely not.

It's a Chateau Latour.

It's worth 800 dollars.

Have you lost your mind?

Wait a minute.

Since when
did you start smoking?

- Just now.
-

Great timing.

Just when we can't afford it.

Nigel has hundreds
of bottles of wine.

He doesn't need more wine.

He needs a punch in the face,
but not more wine.

Would you please
have some decency?

You're supposed to be looking
after his property,

not parting it out
like an old Chevy.

- What?
- I mean, what's next?

You gonna put an... an ad
on Craigslist and rent it out?

Rent out his house?

Rent out Nigel's house?
On Craigslist?

That's insane.

Stop changing
the subject.

Put that bottle of wine back.

Right now.

Shame on you, Frank!

? Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy ?

? Hurdy gurdy gurdy, he sang ?

? Here comes the Roly Poly Man ?

? He's singing songs of love ?

? Roly poly,
Roly poly, roly... ?

I love this album.

Are they still called albums?

Albums...

C, D, D, D.

C, D, D, D.

You know the Filipinos?

Bob and Teresa?

From the Philippines.

They used to strap
coca tree bark to their bodies

before they went to battle.

The coca then, would leech
into their bloodstream,

and get them amped up

to help them overcome
the fear of war.

Frank, we're at war.

I don't think we can get
our hands on that kind of bark.

- We ran out of vodka.
-

I wonder what Rachel
will listen to in college.

What music will...

transport her back to her youth,

back to a time when her
whole life was in front of her.

- I don't know.
-

I only know I'm sad
about that vodka.

Fuck it.

Latour, baby!

Whatever happens probably will.

- Let's finish it inside.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Starts getting better tomorrow.

? That's grey, and lonely ?

- ? and grin... ?
-

- Oh!
- ? And say ?

? The sun will come out
Tomorrow ?

? Te quiero, ma�ana! ?

? You're only a day ?

? Away! ?

Excuse me!

Hi.

What, what can you tell me
about this house?

I'm sorry?

There was a rental ad
for this house on Craigslist,

but no one's answering
the doorbell.

An ad on Craigslist?

Yeah.

For Nigel's house?

No, somebody named Frank?

The ad's gone,
it was flagged for profanity.

Okay, wait. Back the fuck up.

Let's start over. What?

Well, there was an ad,

"For rent,
big, beautiful fucking house

furnished up the ass."

Obviously, I was intrigued.

Are, are you okay?

Not even in the ballpark.

Four dollars?

Four dollars for a zucchini.

And these people won't even
grease the wheels

- of their shopping cart.
-

Fuckers.

Nancy?

Are you okay?

Oh, you.

Heidi, hi.

I'm fine, it's just that
I saw a spider,

and I tried to get it.

My foot got stuck.

Um, are those box wines
in your cart?

No, I'm juicing.

Oh, Chip pulled some strings
and got Carter into Yale.

He won't light up the world
but he won't blow it up, either.

Oh.

Oh, totally off subject,
did you hear about Lisa Chang?

No, Lisa?

She and Andrew split up,
younger woman,

yadda yadda, you know the drill.

But, Lisa is working
at Macy's now.

-
- At the perfume counter.

- Oh, my god.
- Oh, my god.

She's waving
those little smelly cards

on people's faces.

She gained ten pounds.

And she's about to gain more.

Because you have to be rich
to be skinny.

All the cheap foods
are the ones that pork you up.

The sugars, the carbs,
the corn syrup.

I do not understand why

the more preservatives
and chemicals

they put in the food,
the cheaper it is.

And the food that just comes
out of the earth,

it's so expensive.

- Bastards!
-

It's those hippies,

they seed their sow going,

"Hey dude, look at this
zucchini, man.

It's so beautiful,
a gift from Mother Earth.

How much should we
charge for it?"

"Uh, I don't know,

uh, 4.20?

Okay, bye. Goodbye.
Nice to see you.

- Bye. Bye.
- Bye.

Bye.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Oh, Frank.

I think I'm having
an anxiety attack, and...

Wait, what?

Is this a joke?

- But when?
- The check?

No, the ad.

Oh, it must have been last night
when we were drinking.

I thought you did it.
It was all your idea.

My idea?

Frank, I said it to make a point

about how we don't do anything
stupid like that.

Don't you remember?

I don't remember us
polishing off

that Chateau Latour,
but we did that too, right?

I remember that.

I remember pulling the cork,

it made that pop sound

like the crunch sound
Eve probably made

when she bit the apple.

Baby.

It's six months in advance,
his name is Carl,

and for what it's worth,
I think he was sent from God.

Frank, do you understand
what this means?

It means an entire year
of Rachel's tuition.

Thank you, Jesus!

-
- Does this mean...

we're gonna celebrate?

Heck yes!

But I gotta do something first.

I'll be right back.

Hi, Frank.

Hey.

Is that Dave Brubeck
on the stereo?

- No.
- Ah. Too bad,

I love Brubeck.

Especially back when Stan Getz
was on tenor sax.

Getz did the soundtrack
for Micky One,

which is my favorite
Warren Beatty film.

I wanna say '65, '66.

Warren Beatty
was a handsome boy.

Got all the lady women, right?

But you know,
Micky One's not for everyone.

You have to be patient.

Unlike Star Wars,
that really trucks along, right?

Same with Dances With Wolves.

Kevin Costner, he was...

Uh, Carl, that was bizarre,
and I didn't follow any of it.

Is everything okay?

Oh, it's...

I love the house.

-
- I'm being rude.

- This is my good buddy, Joe.
-

Well, less of a buddy
and more of a parole officer.

I beg your pardon?

Frank, uh, as a new neighbor,
I'm "legally required"

to tell you that
I'm a registered sex offender.

Come again?

Wow, really?

Really what?

I... I was kidding.
You said "come again"

and I'm a sex offender.
It was a joke.

He has to notify any resident
within a designated area.

So we'll be going
house to house.

It's kind of like
trick or treating,

except for we don't get candy,

we tell people I'm a pedophile.

I'm sorry, I'm having trouble
with my ears.

There's a really loud sound
to them, like a...

like a roaring
crashing ocean, so...

What the fuck did you just say?

Baby, tell little Frank

that I'm here, that I'm ready.

Baby, get away from the door!

Wow. Frank.

You really did well.

I did not
see that coming.

Good.
I'm glad you didn't plan this.

Gotta burn down
the house to cook the pig.

What?

I'm saying,
"I did not see that coming."

Oh, look.

They're going
to the Templeman's.

Nice people, the Templeman's.

Their lawn is always so green.

I've always wondered
what they use.

Maybe you can call Carl.

You know, the fucking,
fucking sex offender,

and ask him to ask them.

Probably magnesium sulfate.

You realize
we're going to jail, right?

No.
Nigel will never press charges,

I've pulled his fat out
of the fire too many times.

Like last month,
his smoke detector was beeping,

I changed the nine-volt,
didn't even charge him.

Snap out of it,
motherfucker.

We're going to jail.

Don't, uh,
forget your prescriptions

and anything else you might need
for the next few weeks.

Frank, help me.

Hold this bag. Hold this bag.

Do you really need
all these panties and such, hun?

No. I'm gonna hide them
in the attic.

I don't want him
going all over my lingerie.

The word is "cumming," honey.
Cumming.

I don't give a damn.

I do not want his DNA
on my private things.

Baby, we really don't know
what he did.

Then you should hide
your panties, too.

Hi.

Look, I, I, I know
I should have said something,

but it...
it's not like I told you

I wasn't a registered offender.

Oh, my god, he just said that.

I saw his lips move
and everything.

Carl.

Part of me would like to punch
you in the face right now,

but another part of me would
like to kick you in the balls.

Which do you prefer?

Uh, thanks. I... I normally
don't get a choice.

But I, I don't know anything
about your house.

Well, how do I know your house
is as nice as this house?

Our house is gorgeous.

Carl, you don't have a choice.

Our house could be a shack
cantilevered over

hell's septic tank,
and it wouldn't matter.

You either move into our house,

or you're back on the street,
because you cannot stay here.

I guess I could just get
my 25 grand back

and find another place.

You know what?

Fine with me.

Because I'm not even sure
that I want you in my house,

sleeping in our bed,
inside our sheets,

where I sleep naked
all the time.

And what if he finds
our home videos?

Didn't I tell you
not to film that?

Let me... let me run
something by you.

The Swedish Duxiana mattress.

I haven't been able to sleep
one night in it.

I'm not really interested
in mattresses normally,

but this is my one time
for this mattress,

and I'm not even a mattress guy.

- You want the mattress, Carl?
- Yeah.

Are you out
of your fucking mind?

You're not getting the mattress.

Have you ever had
your head examined?

What's in there, Pop-Tarts?

"I'm not even a mattress guy."

-
- Jesus H. Christ, Carl.

You are not getting
the fucking mattress!

Why are we going through
the backyard?

Why is the sky blue?

Uh, 'cause sunlight

is refracted
by dust particles in the air

and blue is the dominant color
of the spectrum?

Did you learn that
in the fifth grade,

or from a fifth grader?

Ouch.

Baby,
only you would think

of turning Nigel's pool
into our own private drive-in.

Aww.

Look at her.

That was Rachel's
fifth-grade play.

She was so good.

Rachel was the best thing in it.
I'm being objective.

I mean, compared to Rachel,

the rest of these kids
were all laughable.

Their screechy voices,
so hard on the ears.

Ah, and there it is.

Janice's grand,
unforgettable party.

Your sister
only threw that party

to prove how rich she is.

You know, I was in
a 98 cents store today.

would never set foot
in one of those.

That's only because
she married Dan,

not because
she's any smarter than you.

Do you remember
when we went together?

You were craving Baby Ruths.

I just had to have
that Baby Ruth.

On a hunch,
we bought that pregnancy test

and eight months later,

along came our little Rachel.

To Baby Ruths.

- To Baby Ruths.
-

Mr. Teagarten's not at home.

I'm sorry?

He owes you money?

Well, I'm his butler,
not his accountant,

you fucking ass.

-
-

That was Mastercard.

Frank, why don't we sell
our funeral plots?

We can get what,

2,000 dollars at least, right?

Shit, baby, I'm sorry.
School wanted a dorm deposit.

Well, how lovely.

I actually have to pee
really badly right now,

and I would normally
do it right here in the pool,

but I don't wanna make
our problems any worse.

Is that you, Carl?

What's up, pervert?

What the hell
is going on here?

-
-

Nancy, Nancy, call 911!

Who you talking to?

Uh, nobody.

There's nobody else here.

-
-

Oh, my god.

Run, run, ISIS has come!

I am... I am neutral!

Put me down! Put me down!

You know what this bitch
was doing when I grabbed her?

Staring at a little girl
in a leotard.

The law won't protect
our community

from deviants like you.

We will!

So if we see you
anywhere near...

112 Blue Jay...

-
- Oh, my god!

We just escaped death.

They thought you were Carl,

because Carl gave out
Nigel's address.

because he gave out
Nigel's address.

That's what I just said,
why are you screaming?

The gunshots!

My ears are, you know.

You know how you know
when your life

is out of control?

When there's a ringing
in your ears

and you don't know
if it's a creditor calling

or a kidnapper
has fired a shotgun

- six inches from your head.
-

Is that Spanx over tights?

Yes, I'm double spanking.

Do you have to scream it
to the world?

'Cause right about now,

I'd like to have a pair
of really tight Spanx

around my fucking neck!

No, Janice
would never understand.

But she's your sister.

She will ask too many questions.

Our car broke down.

Right.

And I'm barefoot

because we have
the Flintstones car.

and I peddled it like Wilma.

What's your guess
on his net worth?

I'd say at least
a hundred million.

It's as high
as two hundred million.

No, that's too high.

At least a hundred million.

He's definitely well fed.

Please, let's go.

She... she'll never buy
our bullshit.

And you can't tell her,
or anybody else for that matter.

That's how this
falling from grace thing works.

People find out, they look away,
they avert their eyes.

Especially our friends.

Are they really
our friends, then?

Nancy, I'm too tired

to have a deep conversation
right now.

But, no.

No, Frank.

Why are you forcing me
to do this?

I cannot take
this shit right now.

I'm gonna get an anxiety attack.

Not Betty.

Okay, I understand you
didn't wanna stay at Janice's,

but now you don't wanna stay
at this sister's house?

Look, we have nowhere to go.

Carl's in our house,
we can't go back to Nigel's

'cause those psychos said
they'd kill us,

we don't have any credit cards,
you're barefoot,

and I feel like hell.

Of course, you do.

'Cause we're almost there.

That is hell.

It's like we're in Kansas,

and we're about to get sucked
into a tornado

and drop into an inferno

where Oompa Loompa's
on speed are the gatekeepers.

Baby,
I'm gonna need some time

to sort through
all those analogies.

Besides, it's not that bad.

Just smile a lot.

See? Smile. Like this.

Let's see how long that lasts.

- Hi, Tristan.
- Hi, Tristan.

Why is she barefoot?

- Uh, Tai Chi.
- Uh...

It's... it's very relaxing.

Uh, can we come in?

- I guess you could come in.
-

Dad, Uncle Frank
and Aunt Nancy are here.

That's a really cool
walkie-talkie.

Yeah, well, not to me.

My fucking dad won't spring
for the Ace 10s,

which are way more badass.

- Hm.
- Navy SEALs use Ace 10s.

They also use cool martial arts
like Krav Maga

and cool shit like that.

Tai Chi's for homos,
but you probably knew that.

Smile, Frank.

Oh, hi, Trey.

I wish.

My walkie-talkie is dead
as a used dick.

You have
any nine-volt batteries?

- Me?
- Can I search you?

- What?
- Nothing.

Dad, for god sakes,
what is this, a Beckett play?

When did this turn
into Waiting for Godot?

That is quite a reference
for a young lad.

Yeah, I'm Vladimir
and he's Estregon.

- It... it's Estragon.
- Bullshit.

Dad, chop-chop,

the small talk's getting
a little thin out here.

All right,
I'm coming, I'm coming,

don't get your panties in a wad.

All hail, Lord Douchington.

-
- Hi, Bob.

Hey, you made it.

How's the trip?

- Found everything okay?
- Douche.

Hey, that's TV for a week, pal.

- Se�or Douche.
- Yeah...

God.

Delightful.

Hey, so, Nance,
how come you're barefoot?

You ain't going hippie on me,
are you?

Um, I'm like...

Wilma Flintstone.

Fred was the one who drove.

Wilma just rode shotgun.

She drove sometimes.

So, uh, they're termite tending
your house? What?

Well, yeah, we tried to sleep
in the den,

but there were all these fumes,

and then it was like
we were back in the '60s.

Well, I wouldn't know.

I'm way younger than you are.

Hey, but I do know
the tending game.

We got spiders.

When those spider eggs pop,
those little spiders come out,

they start biting everything
like crazy.

Smile, Frank.

-
- Oh, yeah.

- Do I sound defensive?
-

- No.
- Is Betty coming down?

I was telling Frank
on the phone,

she's laid up with diarrhea.

She accidentally made a sandwich
out of cat food.

Well, don't worry about us.
We had dinner already.

I think I'm gonna go see

- how she's...
- Hey, hey, hey. You...

You don't wanna go up there
right now.

She's on the throne,
blowing brown,

if you catch my drift.

I caught it, yeah.

Hey, but like I said,

you two are welcome to bunk
in the twins' room.

Our room?
Why not your room?

Because you two can sleep
on the couch tonight.

Over.

Ever hear
of a Motel 6? Over.

Ah. Hilarious.

I'm just gonna show you
to the room,

hopefully, we won't get lost.

Sorry, fellas.

Sorry enough to go away?

- Wow.
- The bed is small.

If you're gonna do
any stuff in it,

just wash the sheets after.

Will do.

It's gross.

Are we talking about
the same thing?

- I'm serious.
- I'm sure you are.

- Do we have a problem?
- I don't think so.

Are we done now?

Yeah, I think we're done.

Did you know that you can hack
into baby monitors?

We're teaching
our neighbor's baby

how to say the N-word.

Uh, Nancy, would you join me
outside for a cigarette please?

Please. Yeah.

You understand now
what I was talking about?

Except Oompa Loompas
are not on speed,

- they are on angel dust.
-

How did we get so lucky
with Rachel?

Well, we communicated
with her directly,

not through some CB Radio.

Let's start there
and reverse engineer it.

I was thinking,

we rented Nigel's house to Carl

but we had to move him over
to our house,

which means that Nigel's house
is still empty.

I say we rent
Nigel's house again...

- Frank!
- ...only this time

to somebody who isn't
a sex offender.

Or, why don't we just
handcuff ourselves

and walk straight
into the police station, Frank?

This place is filled
with spider webs.

Well, as you can see,
they don't clean.

The original Craigslist ad
is still on my phone.

I say we post it again.

Are you not listening
to me, Frank?

Absolutely no fucking way.

This is where we draw the line.

Baby, I don't know what's
on the other side of that line,

but I do know what's
on this side of that line,

and it is bleak.

Okay, here's the original
Craigslist ad.

- Don't you dare.
- We delete some

of the bad words, I think
you were drunk at the time.

I was drunk at the time?

And it is done.

You just posted it again?

Give me the Heimlich!

-
-

-
-

What the hell
is going on?

You woke up my baby!

Frank, I get it,
you smoked a spider.

But can you keep it down?

Hit me in the back.

Natalie, tell your kids
to stay off my baby monitor.

It's your fault
for having a baby monitor.

It's an attractive nuisance.

Oh! There it is.

Oh, Frank, are you okay?

Do you want another cigarette?

- Are you all right baby?
-

Dad, come quick.

Why is Uncle Frank
doing this to me?

What the hell? Oh, my god!

- Yes?
- Frank!

-
- My god!

What is going on?

Nancy, are... are you naked?

No, I'm not naked. It's a shirt.

Tristan, what are those?

It's Aunt Nancy's Spanx,
Uncle Frank made me wear them.

Now stop this.

- Frank, how could you?
- What?

He's just a boy.

I'm so scared right now.

Oh, shit.

Jesus Christ.

Betty.

She just stuck
her tongue out at me.

-
- Frank, downstairs, now.

Who are you?

You know what, Frank?

It's not pleasant to be mistaken
for a sex offender,

and molesting your nephew
in less than 24 hours.

But right now,

I feel sorry for my sister.

I am actually
really worried for her.

As you should be.

Pretty soon,
some court-appointed therapist

is gonna be white knuckling
with those two kids.

I see that your sister
calmed down enough

to lend you her wig, huh?

Oh, yeah, I don't know
whose wig it is in that house.

Well, it helps us hide
from the kidnappers.

Hey, are you Wayne,
the guy that answered the ad?

Yeah, yeah.

- I'm Frank.
- Yeah. What are you two,

in the witness
protection program?

Uh, no, we were just sunning
ourselves in the backyard.

- Is that your truck, Wayne?
- Yeah.

Oh, that's fantastic.
Step inside

and we'll just take a look
at the house, okay?

The ad said, uh,
the house comes furnished.

Uh, yup. It only needs
a mattress. Long story.

The previous tenant took it.

Short story.

Okay, then. I wrote you a check.

You, uh, that's it? You don't
wanna have a look around?

Listen, not to be an asshole.
You wanna rent the place or not?

I mean, I got shit tons
of stuff to do.

Yes, uh, no, uh, sure.

It's just that normally
there's a process.

We learned the hard way
to ask questions.

Did you hear that?

-
- What's that?

Good lord.

Oh, there's something
on my face.

No, don't touch your face!
Don't panic.

You're covered in spiders.

Jesus, baby don't move!

Ah! They're crawling in my body!

Hey, come here.
Come here.

Frank, you saw them!
Get them, get them!

They're biting me,
they're biting me!

They're biting me!
Ah! Get the Spanx!

Get the Spanx! Get 'em!

Take them out!

Let's go to the hospital!

Take me to the hospital!

Get my Spanx!

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god, I'm burning!

-
-

Oh, Frank,
what have I done?

Tell my Rachel I love her.

You're not gonna die,
you're not gonna die.

You hear me? Woah! Woah!

Stop scratching yourself,
don't antagonize it,

for god sake's.

Nancy, you're gonna be fine,

the doctors will give you
an ointment.

Look, I'm steering the wheel.
Hold on, hold on.

-
- God I hate spiders,

don't you?
Wait, there's another one.

-
- Whoa!

? Kickin' up a storm
Black clouds of gray ?

? Interstate 40's
Backing up fast ?

? Look to the east
No relief in sight ?

? Pull yourself together
'Cause I gather we might ?

? The river's gone wild ?

? The river's gone wild ?

Oh!

- Tyler, how are you?
-

Uh, Frank, how are you?

I'm on the right side
of the grass my man,

what's the haps?

No offense Frank,
but how did you get in here?

This is a restricted
access garage.

Well, I still have
my Jensen parking pass,

and I have an interview today
up on 16 with, uh, Gretina.

Gretina's not
on 16 anymore, Frank.

What floor are they on?

They moved to Seattle.

'cause I'm dying
for a Starbucks,

but the meeting is on Skype.

I'm gonna Skype to uh, Seattle.

Oh, don't, don't.

Don't Tyler,
don't give me that look.

I know that look. Please.

Everything's fine.
Everything with us is okay.

Oh, honey,

you remember Tyler Rector
from Jensen Med?

Baby, can you hear me?

How can I help?

So that's
the long and short.

But the, uh, silver lining
is that at least for now,

uh, we don't have to worry
about Rachel's college.

But, we're homeless.

Wow, that's, uh,
that's quite a story.

So all this started
with one mistake?

With a bunch
of smaller ones shooting off it.

Kind of like when
a spider egg pops,

and all these little spiders

come and bite you in the ass.

Are you gonna eat that?

Mm. No, please.

Thank you.

Listen, guys.

I know someone.
His name's Randall.

Let me give him a call, Frank.
He might have something for you.

It'd be a start.

Tyler,
that would be great.

And we also still have
Wayne's check.

We can always, uh, cash that.

Frank, if you cash that check,
then it's no longer one mistake.

It becomes a pattern.

Exactly.

That's what I've been trying
to tell him.

But, Tyler,
desperation is a bitch.

Thank you so much

for everything
that you've done to help us.

So, you guys have your work
cut out for you.

Just remember, grass can grow
through concrete.

Did he say your ass
can grow through...

No, no, no.
No, no, look, the phrase is,

"Grass can grow
through concrete."

Can I give you that, please?
Do you mind if I?

Thank you.

Nancy,
you're gonna be all right.

-
-

Don't panic, Nancy.

You're gonna take a hot bath.

You're gonna get fresh clothes,

you're gonna do your hair
and makeup.

You're three minutes
from being yourself.

-
- What the fuck?

Uh, thank you
for taking this lunch,

- I know you're busy.
- No, of course.

Tyler called me,

told me a little bit
about your background.

Well, I hope he exaggerated
in all the right places.

-
-

- That's my wife, I'm sorry.
-

- Hi, honey.
- Damn it, Frank. We're cursed.

I am at Nigel's house,
and everything is gone.

They took my purse,
my phone, Nigel's furniture.

That guy Wayne was all wrong,
and we knew it.

Oh, fuck it,
they stole everything!

I see, uh... That's, uh, yes.

Thanks for calling,
and we'll celebrate later, okay?

- I'll see you. Bye.
- No, don't hang up.

Don't hang up!

- You okay?
- Uh, yeah, it's all good.

My wife just got an article
published in, um...

Omni magazine.

Great.

Omni must be feeling good too.
Be back up and running.

I'm sorry?

They folded
about two decades ago.

Wow.

Man plans and God laughs, right?
I mean...

Everybody's got a plan
until you get...

punched in the face.

Jesus. Sorry, uh, Frank.

Uh, I'm sorry. I...

No, no. I'm Frank, you're...

- Randall.
- Randall.

Right. Uh, I'm sorry.

Uh, can we start over again?

Sure.

Hi, I'm Frank.

Carl, I just need to get
a few things.

-
-

You come in my house,
you come in my house.

You like that?
You like that, bitch?

Is that Nancy? Ah!

I'm sorry, my gosh,
did you change your hair?

I'm so sorry
about the pepper spray,

I thought you were an intruder.

Not that you look like
an intruder.

I'm against profiling,

not that I necessarily
would want sushi from a redhead,

I prefer an Asian child,
if you know what I mean.

Why didn't my key work?

I had the locks changed.

You what?

You can't change our locks.

- Carl?
- Oh, uh, um...

This is not your house, Carl.

Um, I... Look...

What are you wearing?

What, this?

You know what, I, uh,
I got you guys a key.

Um.

- Uh, there you go.
-

What the...

The wood's
so you don't misplace it.

Carl.

This is not a gas station.

What is wrong with you?

You know, whatever.

I just need to get some stuff
from my closet.

Your closet?

What... what is this?

- I mean, what is this?
-

Where's my stuff?

What have you done
with my closet?

I made it into a panic room.

You can't do that, Carl.

Remember, this is not
your house.

Did you ever see
the Jody Foster movie?

And please put a shirt on.

Uh, people have been ringing
the doorbell all day

asking about
the yard sale and, uh,

and then I was really scared
when I saw the...

the video on the internet
of you and Frank

being kidnapped with a shotgun.

There's a video on the internet?

Nancy,
you're the best part of it.

You came across really real.

I was real, you dumb fuck.

Uh, we're locked in.

Did you say,

"catalytic converters"?

Frank, I know it's not
a sexy business,

but catalytic converters
are like mini treasure chests.

We snip them off the cars,

smelt them down and sell off
the expensive metals.

Palladium, rhodium, platinum.

Most cases,
cat cons are worth more

than the junk cars themselves.

You mean I would crawl
underneath the car

and snip them?

That's... that's the job?

Listen, Frank.
I'm gonna be honest.

I could use the extra hand
but I don't need the extra hand.

Tyler told me
you needed a leg up,

this is what I got.

-
- I'm really glad you're here.

Me gusta.

-
-

That was...

If you ever try
anything like that again,

I am gonna kick your ass

up and down this panic room
like an air hockey puck!

- Oh, okay.
-

Thank you,
Virgincita de Guadalupe

for making Carl
such a breathtaking moron.

You forgot about
the attic hatch,

Einstein.

Uh. Hey, I...
I'm sorry about the...

misunderstanding.

I guess I misread your signals.

What signals?

God, your legs are so strong.

I guess it's
from running track, huh?

I saw your medals.

How did you find my medals?

They were hidden in the garage.

Yeah, way back there.

And you should really
hide them better.

But you were the fastest
on the team,

but what I don't understand is,

in the relay,
why did you run fourth?

Shouldn't the fastest runner
go first?

Maybe you weren't the fastest.

I was the fastest.

That's not the way it works.

When you're the fastest, you...

Oh, what am I doing,
why am I talking to you?

Please help me out.

Uh, the bottom line is,
I'm interested.

And, uh, I... I work hard,

and I take any job I do,
uh, very seriously.

Okay.

Here comes the cold water.

We can only offer you

about a third
of what you were making.

Tyler told me
your ballpark salary.

You did very, very well.

A third?

Listen, I wish it was different.

I used to make
high-end five figures

over at Brent Talbot,
then the fan hit the shit.

Now, I got a sales staff
of guys longing for the days

of Hugo Boss suits

and paychecks
with commas in them.

Frank, you think I like crawling
around in the dirt

snipping smoke sacks?

Some days I look at one of those
cat cons and think...

I'll just wrap my lips
around it,

take a deep breath,
go meet some dead relatives.

How old are you?

- Sixty-five?
-

Sixty-six?

Anyways.

Guys your age,
you gotta adapt or die.

That's the new America.
Trust me.

I miss the old one, brother.

I... I'm...

fairly positive
I need to use the bathroom.

Get your hands
off my ass.

You said push.

I said push, not fondle.

Watch the thumb.

It feels like you do squats.

-
- You made it.

Now, lift me up.

No, no.

First you have to tell me
what you did.

And no lies, no bullshit.

You have to tell me,
or I'll leave you there.

You'll rot.

And I'll just come
and sprinkle some lime

just to mask the smell.

I...

You...

you might not understand.

True.

It's a roll of the dice.

I was swimming in the ocean,

I was in the water
for a couple hours.

I...

I had to pee,
I took off my shorts,

then I felt something
brush against my leg.

I knew it was a shark.
I knew in that moment,

and I know it to this day
it was a shark, and...

I started swimming to shore,

trying not to panic.

I saw that there were some kids

swimming there and...

So I was carrying three of them,

trudging and tripping
and yelling for help.

The kids were screaming,

I thought they had seen
the shark.

They hadn't, they, um...

they were frightened of me,
a naked guy.

Yeah. My life...

It's true, isn't it?

Yeah.

It is.

You say all these

crazy stupid things.

But when you suddenly say
something without bullshit,

now I know it's true and good.

But just in case,
I'm gonna leave you there

until after I take my shower.

Oh, you know what,
there's some, uh...

shampoo in my purse
on the kitchen counter.

Oh, I... I refilled
your birth control pills.

You were running low.

Ha!

No, no, no.

No! No! No!

All you perverts
out there watching,

this might happen to you.

You might die!

What the?

Holy shit, it's him.
The guy from the video!

- No, this is a mistake.
-

Die!

Dude, you're like the number one
trending pervert

on the internet right now.

My god, why is this happening?

-
-

- Stop!
-

Stop the truck, Wayne.

Shit, you again?

You have my furniture.

Oh, it's not yours,
that house wasn't yours,

and the furniture
definitely wasn't yours.

Pull over, Wayne,
I need that furniture.

You know what you gonna need?

You're have a need
to go to a fucking hospital,

that's what you're gonna need.

I'm gonna put you
in jail, Wayne.

Oh, you don't have the balls
to call the cops.

Fuckin', you suck
at this crime stuff.

You know what I'm gonna do,

- Wayne?
- Oh, you ain't gonna do shit.

I'm gonna throw a rock at you.
I pitched in college.

Oh, you probably caught
in college. Dickhead.

Oh, shit.

Argh! Son of a bitch.

- Shit!
- Holy shit,

- are you okay?
- What the fuck?

- You hit a fucking pedestrian!
-

-
-

What the fuck?

Sorry, Wayne.

Hey!

Frank!

Get back here, you asshole!

- What fresh hell is this?
-

Ay Dios mio!
No, no, no, I didn't...

Shit, shit. Now what?

- Frank!
- Shit!

Panic room, car gone.

Keep walking, cops.

I found Nigel's stuff,
don't look over.

It's in the back of the truck.
Don't look over.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Are you
Mr. Bathgate's neighbors?

Yes, officer.

Yeah, we got a report
of a burglary at his house,

uh, suspicious activity.

Have you seen anything?

A burglary?
What, at Nigel's house?

Good sweet Christ,

what is happening to our sweet
little neighborhood?

- Uh, are you okay sir?
- No.

I'm devastated beyond reason.

Sweet Christ.

No, I wasn't into that.

Never?

Not really.

Not even in a school play
or anything?

No, I was never into drama.

I mean, sure, in the third grade
I played a teacup.

Uh, why...

...all the questions
about acting?

You think I came across as fake?

I think there's better acting
every time Larry King says,

"Till death do us part."

Well, that's very funny.

You wanna hear something else
that's funny?

There's a video of us
getting kidnapped on YouTube.

I know.

You don't know how many times
I've fantasized

about getting rid of you
for at least two months,

but now that I'm going toyail,

I... I'm gonna be devastated
without you.

Wait, you're going back
to college?

You know that when I say "yail"
I mean prison.

He lives
in his mother's house.

And by that I mean
his mother's garage.

I'm sure Jason's home, you know,

rubbing his mother's feet
or something.

We know you're in there, Jason.

- Hi.
- Oh!

Hey, hi, Mr. and Mrs. Teagarten.

Is that I...

Actually, I wasn't hiding.
Is, is everything okay?

Why wouldn't it be, Jason?

Well, it's just that you've
never been to my house before

in like two years.
And it's what, um, 10:00 p.m.

Actually, it isn't okay,
and you can help.

Rachel's always saying that
you're some kind of

computer genius.

Aw. She says
I'm a computer genius?

That's very...
that's very sweet.

I'm sure it was like
a throwaway,

or like an aside, you know,

"He's a computer genius,"
you know, just like saying...

Oh, you know what,
I bet it's 'cause she knows

it's on my dream boards
to become a computer genius.

I'll bet that's where
that came from.

Did she actually say that,
or like in an e-mail,

or was it to...
in person to you just...

Jason! This isn't about you.

We need your help
with a video of me and Nancy.

Okay.

So you want...

me to make a video of you guys?

- Oh, get your mind
- No.

out of the gutter.

Good lord, Jason,
you take the cake.

It's so much more
fucked up than that.

- Look at this.
- You might die!

This is insane.
When did this happen?

It feels like
in another lifetime.

Yet also like Tuesday.

Okay, well,
we have to call the police.

No! No police.

It was a misunderstanding
but everything's okay now.

It was a hiccup.

A hiccup? You being kidnapped?

A hiccup. It was a hiccup.

A hiccup. You don't call 911

every time you have
the hiccups do you, no.

I mean, maybe you do,
but I don't.

Listen, Jason.

We don't want Rachel
to see this.

- Mm-hm.
- She would only worry.

That's why we must
take this down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shouldn't be a problem.

Although, these guys
should be punished though,

'cause they cannot do that.
We'd... Especially to you guys.

- I mean...
-

Oh, my god, okay,
that's actually

Rachel Skyping me now.

We're not here. She'll know
there's something wrong.

We, we would only be here
with you if we were desperate.

No, no, I wanna see
her little face,

even if it's for just a second.

We can hide,
she won't know we're here,

please, please, please.

- All right, go ahead.
- Really? Okay.

-
-

Yo! Hey, Rach. What's up?

I can only talk
for a few minutes.

Jessie is a great roommate,

but she's throwing
her third party

in four days, and she's...

Jason?

Are you okay?

What? I'm fine. That's...

How about you?

I'm a little worried.

My mom called,
and I tried calling her back,

and she's not picking up.

Oh, uh, that's, you know.

It's... It's her...
'Cause her phone,

it's, um, her phone is broken.

You saw her?

Yeah. Oh, they had
a yard sale yesterday, so.

- A yard sale?
- No, that's..

I'm sorry,
"yard sale," what is...

No, they were...
'cause they were in the yard,

so I ran into them
cause I took a shortcut,

um, to... to...
to go work at Staples,

where I am
the assistant manager.

This is weird.

Mom always calls me right back.
This isn't like her.

Well, it's...

Could be 'cause she's...
she's singing and dancing,

and, and also blowing someone.

Isn't it her birthday
pretty soon?

Oh, of course, poor Mom.

Jason,

I should surprise her.

I'll come home for her birthday,
she'll love that.

Yeah, yeah, they both would.
Yeah, they would both love that.

For sure.
You should come on down.

I'll try Dad, he'll love it.

I'll get tulips.
Tulips are her favorite flowers,

and I'll invite all her sisters,
and everyone will be there

- and everyone will be...
-

That's funny, do you hear that?

It's my dad's ringtone.

Yeah, okay,
you know what, Rachel?

I really...
I gotta tell you something.

- Actually, your parent...
-

Jason, you really are
a little quisling.

You know that?

Okay, he...

- he was from Norway.
-

I felt terrible lying to Rachel.

I understand,

because you never know
when the lies are going to stop.

But they just keep coming.

Pushing you out of the way.

Taking over your life
completely.

Do you have raccoons?

Yeah, sporadically.

I love them.

Is that your guy's moving truck?

No. Well, yes.

We're just trying
to sell a few things.

Sell from the back of a truck?

Uh, we're trying to,
uh, finish off our yard sale.

For the truck and the computer,

using that, uh, Skype thing.
Anyhow...

So, you mean
like a virtual yard sale?

That's... Wow.

Did you come up with that idea,
Mr. Teagarten?

What? Uh, yeah, sure.
Anyway, thanks for your help...

That's genius!
Do you see the potential?

Not one iota. We gotta run now.

Uh, wait, Mr.
and Mrs. Teagarten, there's...

I think there's something
I need to show you.

For the love of Christ, Jason!
What is it?

So the park
was actually built in the '50s.

It's, uh, kind of fell
on hard times,

was vacant for a while.

So some friends and I,
we pooled our money

and bought it,

and we spent the last two years
just fixing it up.

Jason, this is amazing.

Thank you.

This is what I wanted
to show you.

All of our trailer homes
have a storage space,

'cause people are downsizing
from like, 3,500 square feet.

These days, I guess
it's like that everywhere.

So this is where
your virtual yard sale comes in.

You can upload streaming video

and people can browse it,
like in real time.

So you've got almost
a live yard sale,

but you're bidding,
like eBay online.

So you call it something like,
YardBay.

I'm sure you've thought
all this through, but, um,

you know, I'd love to help, I...

I could computer code
it all for you.

- Hello?
-

You have to call back a later.

Oh, he in the shower now

washing his body
with the shampoo and honey.

He have a shingles.

That was an old
fraternity buddy of mine.

Clyde Drexler.

I mean, he's a fan
of Clyde Drexler.

- Mm-hm.
- The Trailblazers.

Um, anyway, uh.

Thanks for the tour, Jason.
This was impressive.

Mobile homes and crap.

I'm sorry.
That sounded patronizing.

- Food for thought.
- Yeah.

Uh, thanks for your help
with the video.

Anytime.

Boy, Jason sure can talk.

Okay, I better call Randall

and tell him I'll take
that catalytic converter job.

Okay, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go get a Baby Ruth.

-
- A Baby Ruth?

Shit.

Excuse me.

Hey, I'm sorry to bother you.

I... You have any change,
or better yet,

do you mind if I use
your cell phone?

It's kind of an emergency.

A Baby Ruth candy bar.

Oh, Baby Ruth.

I thought you said Zagnut.

- Do you have one?
- Uh...

Yeah, let me check in the back.

I'll take two
if you have 'em.

Buddy, cool off.

I'm not trying to cause
any problems here.

You act like you got

50 kilos back there
or something.

Oh, by the way,
how much are...

What? What the?

Frank! Frank! Frank!

Hey! I found
the king size, is that okay?

Hello?

The king size, okay?

You try that again,
motherfucker?

I'm gonna bust
your fucking head open.

Everybody put
your hands where I can see 'em!

- Down in the ground!
- On the ground!

Whoo! Jackpot.

Turns out it was 120 kilos.

Teagarten. Frank Teagarten.

FBI wants to talk to you.
Come on.

The FBI wants to talk
to me? Why?

They think you're good lookin'.
Come on.

Not you.

-
- Let's go.

Are you okay?

It seems to me
you're as scared as I am.

Oh, I'm not scared for myself.

For my daughter.

We're done talkin'.

I have a daughter, too.

Our biggest fear in life
was to disappoint her.

I'm so ashamed and...

and worried...

Don't be bitching to me
about your rich life,

your spoiled brat daughter.

You know, you're gonna be out
of here in a minute,

and she'll have her mommy back.

But now, thanks to you,

I'm stuck in here
for god knows how long.

Yeah. I will get out,

but I will still be
a good-for-nothing fuck up.

And that might not mean
a lot to you,

since it looks like you've been
a fuck up for a while,

but we only fucked up
for one week.

One week, is all it took
for us to...

ruin her life.

She's only 19,

- and... and now she's...
- Are you kidding me?

Your daughter's 19.

She's supposed
to be taking care of herself.

My Rose...

she's only seven.

And now...

she's all alone in the world.

She's got nobody.

Woman...

you have no idea what shame is.

Shit.

You win.

Hey, Frank.

I'm Special Agent Milhouse.

This is Special Agent Barnes.

- Weird night, huh? God.
- Yeah.

A 120 kilos of Norteno Cocaine.

- A hell of a bust.
- Yeah.

You know that we had nothing
to do with this, right?

Oh!

So you think
that we just send out

our whole field office
just for fun?

This is what we know.

We've been tailing Shope
for three days,

since he entered
the United States.

Next thing we know,
the three of you

are in a Kwik-E-Mart
parking lot free for all.

So I think we've got
a problem here, don't you?

Frank, if you wanna get out
of here tonight,

you've gotta convince us,

you're not some
big, rich drug lord.

Like, for real.

His phone went through
a snow blower,

and he chop his head right off.

I guess owing 300 bucks
to MasterCard

helped convince them,
we aren't Mr. and Mrs. El Chapo.

I can't help thinking
about that little girl.

Nancy,
what are you gonna do?

Have her come live with us

in this fucking
Perri Winkle truck?

God, this day sucked.

Carl.

He found my medals.

- How did he find them?
- He's a sneaky motherfucker.

But those medals

made me remember
that I used to win.

I used to have an edge.

This week, I've cried more than
I have ever cried before.

And for things that I would have
never cried about

in the old days.

It's like I've become
this person...

I don't know, and I don't like.

Where is this headed?

- We need to talk to Dan.
- Why? And beg for money?

That's not getting
your edge back.

That's surrendering,
not winning.

Guys like Dan, they take
advantage of weakness.

I'll figure it out.

I think.

I bet Rachel used to take one
of those buses to school.

Long ago.

Back in the time
when she used to look up to me

like I was Superman.

Oh, Frank.

You crying?

You were crying.

- What a pussy.
- No, I'm not crying.

But if I was, it's because...

Good god.

It's because the two
of you reek.

Fuck you.

Hey, you got ten bucks? For gas?

Wow, what timing you have, bum.

No. Actually, we don't have
ten bucks for gas.

Liar. That's some
high-end furniture

you got there, you rich asshole.

Rich? You have completely
misread our situation, my man.

Oh, whoa, whoa.
I'm not your man.

He's not your man, fish face.

I don't think anybody's ever
called me fish face before.

- Good.
- You believe this pile

of fish face,
calling me "his man"?

I'm not your man, so, fuck you.

No, no. It's, uh...

it's more like fuck you.

I'm sorry, you're not
understanding what we're saying.

Fuck you.

- What's your name?
- Will.

What's your name?

Colin.

Will, Colin...

fuck you.

Fish face.

-
- I'm not sure.

Hey!

What are you doing out there?

So, what do we got here?

- Where's the other bum?
- Maui.

- I could buy a couple of things.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You think this is some kind
of a store?

What else would you
be doing here?

Well, actually, it's kind
of a incredible story.

- Nancy!
- How much for the paint?

Spray paint,
I'd like to huff it.

You wanna huff it?

You wanna huff the can
of spray paint?

You're like the worst bum ever.

What is it, a pageant?

And you came in last.

- Okay, five bucks.
- Five bucks?

For a can of paint?

That's what I said.
Five bucks, yes or no.

There's a line forming
behind you.

Ah! I made you look,

- you fucking idiot.
-

- Fuck off.
-

Stop lookin' at me!

Get away from the gas tank, bum.

Fuck you!

Stop and drop!

- Why is this happening?
- You're on fire!

Frank! Get this man
an extinguisher!

-
-

You're just gonna stand there?

He's on fire!

I don't need this shit
in my life!

Oh, yeah.

Lie on me.

Yeah, get on me, girl.

Uh, yeah.
Grind me out like a cigarette.

Oh! Yeah. Let me...
Let me return the favor.

- I'm anything but a gentleman.
- Are you kidding?

That's my wife, bum.

- She got on me, dude!
-

- Hey!
-

Bum, put those lamps back.

- So, that's the basic concept.
- Mm.

Sounds like a good idea.
What, you're calling it, uh,

- YardBay?
- YardBay.

Great name for a great idea.

Well, it's Frank's idea.

You hear that, bums?

The great idea was my idea.

Shovel swinging in your face
would be a good idea.

He already did that.

While smoking a spider.

Oh, I believe it.

'Cause he's a huge dumbass.

Look at his fat fish face.

Frank is a banana split of shit.

I don't like that.

I hate to say it,
but Frank is right

about one thing.

You got a good idea.

Okay?

But you gotta go in strong when
you're dealing with rich people.

- Otherwise, they'll prey on you.
-

- I would know that...
-

- ...because I used to be...
-

- ...one of those people.
-

Put me out, fish face!

-
-

All right,
I'm out. I'm out.

- You okay?
- Yeah.

What happened?

Oh. Cigarette.

Ah, yeah.
Same thing happened to me.

- Feel stupid.
- Yeah.

All right, well, goodbye, Frank.

Hope a train falls on your face.

Go siphon some gas
and smoke a cigarette, bum.

Touch�.

- Yeah.
- I did the same thing,

and next thing you know,
the flames just jump on you.

You think
it's the cigarette, or...

Fifty-fifty chance.

They were sweet.

Colin and Will.

Fuck them.

Why is there furniture
on the lawn?

You coming inside?

I wanna start setting up
for the surprise.

Um, yeah, in a minute.

I, I got the spins,

I'm just gonna go back to bed
for a little bit.

- Okay.
-

That's weird.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey. If you're here
for the yard sale,

it's in the yard.

- Who are you?
- Who am I?

I'm a guy holding pepper spray.

Twelve ounces...

Three ounces of pepper spray
at your eyes.

All right? Who are you?

I'm Rachel. I live here.

Oh, my god.

- Rachel?
- Yeah.

Oh, I've heard so much
about you.

I'm Carl.

Carl,

I think you're gonna need to
explain to me what's going on.

Oh!

Baby, I think
I figured something out,

and we're gonna call it,

"The Carl."

Feeling good?

If good means nervous.

A Baby Ruth?

Sometimes a Baby Ruth
is just a candy bar.

The tournament is canceled
but I'm sure Dan is still here.

This has to work.

You heard
what those bums said,

we have to make these rich guys
wanna give us money.

Make 'em need to give it to us.

It's fourth in goal,
no time on the clock,

you got the ball,
and I'll just follow your lead.

Keep it close.

Oh no, that's not...

"fuck you."

- That's...
-

...somebody else.

Can you wash it?

That's fine.

I have to go to the locker room
to clean up,

and put on my secret weapon.

- Meet you at the golf carts.
- Okay.

Okay, well then,

where did they go after that?

I mean, it seems to change
every 16 minutes.

Frankly, I'm worried.

And your mother, I mean,

maybe you know her
better than me,

but she seems a little unhinged.

But the point is,

I think your surprise
birthday party

is a wonderful idea.

Have you ever seen
The Wedding Planner?

- Mm.
- With J-Lo?

Uh, that's short
for Jennifer Lopez.

Anyway, I love J-Lo,

and not just because she's
a fellow Latina.

I love her for her dancing.

I love her for her singing.

I love her for her acting.

But I never liked her perfume.

It was gross.

Carl...

I don't think
we're gonna have a party.

I need to call my Aunt Betty...

Okay.

I need, like, 12 billion aspirin

and one ounce...

who is this hunk
of stud hunk, oh...

Jessie, this is Carl.

He's...

I guess, staying with us.

Hi.

- I'm Jessie.
- Hi.

Nice to meet you.

call me a "hunk of stud"?

If I was a shark, man,

I would just...

like a little baby seal.

Please, God.

Don't let this be
a fucking dream.

Hey, Andy.

Danny boy.

Mm.

Look at that,
there's Nancy at the bar.

Ooh.

Salut.

Fancy Nancy.

- Hey, guys.
- Oh!

- Hi!
- Hey, Frank.

- Yeah, she's having a few.
-

Right now, she couldn't see
the hole in a ladder.

We're both celebrating
some good news.

Oh, yeah?
What good news is that?

Some Silicon Valley news.

- Oh?
- Ooh.

Hi, guys!

Oh, bummer!

They canceled your game.

I know, I know.

- White balls, white snow...
- Well, white balls

are better than blue.

-
- You ever run track?

- Ever run track? Ever run track?
- Mm-hm. Two.

That's why
they have golf carts...

I need you to pay attention
and to focus,

because I'm about
to organize you.

Uh, baby can we talk
for a second.

No.

No. Honey, I think...

I talk to you all the time,
I'm sick of talking to you.

I wanna talk to them.
Stop trying to control me.

Enjoy the moment, fellas.

Well,

I used to run
four-person relays,

and this is how it works.

The second fastest runner

usually starts the race.

That fucker needs
to get a good lead.

- Andy, smart, hard worker.
- Mm-hm.

You've earned your money.

Yes.

So, I am going to make you...

-
- ...the first runner.

-
- Come with me.

The second runner needs
to be solid,

and dependable.

That's you, Steve.

You've done well in Wall Street,

but you've never done
anything...

- flashy.
-

- I am so sorry, Rob,
- Huh?

but the slowest runner
always runs third.

I know that you're rich,

but it's family money, baby.

You need to be hungry.

Maybe today,

shock us, baby, please.

And you, my Danny boy.

- You're fourth.
- I'm never fourth.

But the fourth runner
it's always the fastest runner.

Ahh.

He's also the smartest runner.

Because he knows
what it takes to win.

Either dig deep to make up
for the lost time,

or run just fast enough
to hold the lead.

I was always the fourth runner.

Because I was very, very good.

So, let's stretch.

Warm up.

And assume the position.

Okay, now I like this part.

Stand up, baby.

So now what, we actually run?

Yes, and Frank is going
to tell you

- what's at the finish line.
- No. no, baby.

We have no more room
for investors...

- Come on, Frank.
- Please, please, Frank.

I mean, you cannot trust
those millionaires

from Silicon Valley.

Silicon is fake,

like the fake silicon boobs.

They're fake millionaires,
they're nouveau rich!

It's just a pitch, it's a pitch.

- Now you have to tell him about
- Ah, give it up.

- the pig.
- Give it up. Say the pitch.

- Come on.
- Tell them about the pig.

- The pig!
- All right, all right.

All right, all right.

Okay.

You know the phrase,

"Burn down the house
to cook the pig"?

You don't have a lot
of house left

but you have a lot
of cooked pig?

All the bankruptcy filings
in this country.

Right now,
people have lost everything.

They gambled
and they got wiped out.

Have I got your attention?

We...

help them sell
the barbecued pork.

People browse yard sales
from home.

It's called YardBay.

Yeah, baby.

I like it.

I like it.

Let's talk.

And the winner is...

Dan!

Well, I couldn't have
gotten home

if you didn't put me
on third, baby.

Oh, it really was, wasn't it?

I just did a "Carl."

My crazy made you look good,
and now they want YardBay!

I'm gonna call Jason.
I need to have something

to show Dan over lunch tomorrow.

Yes!

Oh, Frank, is it over?

Are we finally out
of this shitstorm?

I don't know how, but I think
we did it, didn't we?

Who said
you can't unring a bell?

Mom, Dad...

Rachel.

And I see you've met Carl.

Nancy, I've been so worried.

Carl told me everything.

I've tried piecing it together,
but...

I don't know.

I called Aunt Betty.

She's on her way here.

Great.

-
- Honey, it's Nigel.

- Yes.
- No.

Nige.

I'm sorry,
did you just call me "Nige"?

Uh, it's possible.

I knew a guy
named "Adolf Dick" once,

- that's a tough name, isn't it?
- Listen.

I just had
an amazing conversation

with the police.

Who informed me that my house
has been burglarized!

I am about to board this flight,

and come home and start ripping
some new assholes.

- All right?
- No, no.

They caught the culprit,
everything's back in the house.

It's all good
in the hood, Nigel.

Oh.

Oh, the police found him?
They didn't let me know that.

All right, listen.
I want the perpetrators.

I want them prosecuted.

And I want them
sent to jail, okay?

No, no, Nigel.

The thief was hit by a car
and a bike and a rock.

You know, even 5,000 miles away,
I can still smell the bullshit.

I'm getting on this plane.

Or, I could go take a picture
of your living room

and send it to you.

And you could see
how it's pristine.

Yeah. Send it.

Rachel, I understand
that you must be mad.

Mom, I'm mad
that you didn't trust me enough

to tell me what was going on.

And also...

I'm mad that I missed out
on seeing

my amazing parents in action.

I wish I could've been there...

because I'll never stop learning
from you, guys.

Rachel.

Go upstairs to my closet.
It's now a panic room.

Hey, pervert.

What did we tell you
about coming back here?

Where's the main deviant?

Jason?

Don't worry, Rach.

- I got this.
- No, Jason.

Don't mess with these guys.

Frank, we have a problema!

No, no, no.

Nobody speaks to Mrs. Teagarten
like that. Huh.

What you got there,
ironsides?

- A cap gun?
- Tasers.

I carry rent money.

Holy shit!
Those are police tasers.

Oh, I want that fucker.

- Be prepared to meet your...
- Give me one.

Hey, kids. What are you guys
doing here?

All right,
I'm just right in the middle

of something super important.

Back off,
you stupid fuck.

- Fight me!
- Who are you kids?

Please leave me be...

- Suck a fat one!
- My girlfriend is watching!

- Fucking pussy!
- Take the tasers.

You wore me down.

Oh, shit.

- Who are you?
- I'm plumber.

-
-

Ready for some shock
and awe, fuckers?

Amen.

-
-

Kneel before your god.

You guys are wonderful children.
Both of you.

- All right, guys.
-

All right, we're good.

Dad, for once, we're having
fucking fun in our lives,

because you never gave us
a good childhood,

so can you just like,
let us have fun?

Pfft.

-
-

Nice.

- All right.
- Ay, mi amor.

- We're done.
- That was amazing.

Thanks, baby.

Okay, I understand the impulse.

But let's have no more
of this vigilante justice, okay?

We have to have law and order.
Believe me, I would know.

All right, listen up.

We've got two minutes.
Everything inside.

Sir, you really need to board.

Yeah, all right,
all right, all right.

All right, uh,

pull my bags off the plane,
I'm going to Nepal.

You can't be serious.

Yeah, hurry up. Come on, lady!
Let's go.

Pull the trigger on my bags.

Uh...

Airport security to Gate B31.

Wait, why?
'Cause I called you "lady"?

You said the word "trigger."

It's not a great word
around here, these days.

Oh, you called the pigs,
you fucking stupid...

Oh, you...

That... He is a lady,
that's his...

Oh, fuck!

-
-

-
-

Good luck.

Bye.

Oh, Frank.

So, I can't talk you
out of this, right?

No, honey, you can't.

Good. More than good.

Is this Rose?

Hi Rose, I am Nancy.

Where's my daddy?

Your daddy couldn't come.

But he sent me to get you,

and you're going
to see him really, really soon.

Meanwhile,

I'm gonna be taking care of you.
Is that all right?

Is he in jail?
Sometimes he goes to jail.

You shouldn't worry about that,
you must be so tired.

And what about hungry,
are you hungry?

Thank you very much.

You're so brave
that you came all that way.

- Were you scared?
- A little.

Turkey, turkey!

-
-

O. Henry once said,
that "Love and family

and country are nothing
but shadows of words

when a man is starving."

Uh, and today,
we are not starving.

Yeah. I'm glad you're all here.

that love and family and country

all together is..."

Uh...

You're right. I'm a douche.

Yes!

You most certainly are a douche.

And that is the first step
towards recovery.

- Thank you.
-

Okay, okay, here we go.

I'm thankful that we got rid

of our stuck up,
useless friends.

Our new ones
are a little strange,

but they are true friends.

I am so thankful that I married
the love of my life.

And that I know my Frank and I
can overcome anything,

as long as we are together.

Rose, Rachel.

Thank god for Baby Ruths.

Okay, who's hungry?

Me.

For my new friend.

? Welcome back
You've been gone so long ?

Well, that's our story.

Frank and Nancy lived
in Jason's trailer court

for a while.

And Frank took the job
snipping catalytic converters.

He's pretty darn good at it.

They rented the house to Carl,

and they all worked
night and day on YardBay.

Last time we checked,
it was getting pretty darn huge.

And it all started
when they got drunk.

And because they were drunk,

drunk with love
for their daughter.

And like the saying goes,

"A drunk man's actions
are a sober man's thoughts."

They were drunk parents.

? Oh, oh, oh ?

? Oh, oh, oh ?

? Welcome home ?

? Oh, oh, oh ?

? Welcome home ?

? Oh, oh, oh ?

? Oh ?

? Oh ?

? Oh, oh, oh ?

? Welcome home ?

? Oh, oh, oh ?

? Oh, oh, oh ?

? Oh ?

? Oh ?

? Oh, oh, oh ?

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