All language subtitles for Doom Patrol 1x10 - Hair Patrol

Previously on Doom Patrol...

What's the Bureau of Normalcy?

It's a top secret government agency,
run by a bunch of demented zealots.

They stomp out anything they
deem to be aberrations.

Hey, it's me. Jane.

Her brain activity's off the
charts, and yet... nothing.

Jane's in there somewhere.

What the hell happened here?

Long story.

If you're feeling homicidal urges, just
gives us a little heads up, all right?

I said, shut up.

- I was trying to protect you.
- By lying?

How did Niles get involved
with superheroes?

Niles never said.

You know he has his secrets.

Niles and his secrets.

Sounds like you and I know two
different Niles Caulders.

www.TUSUBTITULO.com
-DIFUNDE LA CULTURA-

NORTHERN YUKON TERRITORY
1913

From the Journal of Niles
Caulder, 4th of December, 1913.

We've set up north on an exploratory
mission for the Bureau of Oddities.

Washington doubts our
department's value,

but I am eager to prove
what we are capable of.

Steady on, Alistair.

We're explorers, not mercenaries.

You tell that to the Turks
that were just up this way

about seven months ago.

Only one man returned.

Barely.

You know what he claims he saw?

Those men were hunters.

We're not.

If this creature exists,

there's no reason to believe it's
gonna be of any danger to us.

In fact, it might mean
us no harm at all.

Oh, friend.

Anything that can survive
this frozen hell

absolutely wants to do you harm.

You remind that wolf
that you're an explorer,

- not a hunter.
- You saved my life.

I thought I told you not to
wander away from camp without...

Alistair!

Run!

No.

Wait. Please.

No.

Please.

Please.

WEST SENECA, NEW YORK
2019

Ernest, are you down there?

What is it, Mother?

We're out of Lean Cuisine.

I no longer require Lean Cuisine
for sustenance, Mother.

I maintain my physique

through a high-calorie ketogenic
diet and mental focus.

I need you to go to the market.

What?

Why?

Why can't you go?

I'm watching This Is Us.

Fuck This Is Us.

The keys are by the door.

And don't forget to
pick up more scratchers.

Mama!

I'm very busy right now!

Mom?

Mom!

Mom!

Canned peaches are on
aisle five, old-timer.

That's for my mom.

That's for me.

We know all about your
hemorrhoid cream preferences,

Ernest Franklin.

Who the fuck are you?

Try The United States fucking Government.
Bureau of Normalcy.

I'm familiar with your work.

No, you're not.

No, I'm not.

Normally, the Bureau
operates in the shadows,

entirely self-regulated.

But desperate times call for...
people like you.

People like me?

One of our top agents, Darren Jones,

failed to report in from assignment.

We believe that he had an
encounter with the associates

of a gentleman by the
name of Niles Caulder.

We believe that a man of your... talents

can locate Niles Caulder and
bring him in for questioning.

Do you think you can handle that?

Prepare yourself, Beard Hunter.

- --
- You've been activated.

Mom?

Where are my shuriken?

Check the dishwasher.

I told you, they're hand-wash only!

--

Mom! I need your help, please!

What happened?

You stuck in your costume again?

It's not a costume!

Fuck!

Niles Caulder, I'm coming for you.

Who's there?

I am an Agent of the Oddities.

I am not afraid of death.

I am not afraid of death.

--

Yes.

There's absolutely
nothing wrong with her.

Her brain activity's off the
charts, and yet, nothing.

Jane's in there somewhere.

So how do we pull her out?

I don't know. Part of me
wishes that we could just...

shrink ourselves Magic School Bus style,

and get inside her head.

What?

I'm just marveling at
your embrace of the weird

and utterly impossible.

What?

Cliff?

Cliff?

- Cliff!
- We get it, Rita.

Do you?

Three people are unconscious now,

and you're just, what, all good?

What exactly is the plan here?

I have no idea.

But whatever it is, looks
like it's working.

Oh, really?

Forgive me for having doubts,

but what do we really
know about this... thing?

What exactly are you?

Well, I can see why Larry
is so fond of you.

This never would've happened
if the Chief were still here.

You're right. He's gone.

But us standing around waiting for
these three is not gonna change that.

Let's get back to work.

Hello.

I'm Dr. Niles Evelyn Caulder. I'm...

I'm a research explorer from
the Bureau of Oddities.

Please, I'm separated
from my partner. I...

You know I'm wounded. I'm
not a threat to you.

Please, those men up there,

I'm not like them.

Those men are hunters.

I'm not a hunter.

I'm a friend.

I'm very cold.

Please, could I...

Could I move a bit closer to the fire?

I'm not gonna survive this,
whatever your plans are.

I just wanna get...

a little bit warm.

Please, stop.

I'm sorry.

So Danny is a talking street?

- Yeah.
- Where everyone is gay?

No. I don't know. It's a place
for all kinds of people.

And it travels?

Not "it," "they."

Danny's gender queer.

And they jump, yeah.

And "they" gave you a comic book?

Look, when you get a comic book
from a talking street named Danny,

it isn't just a comic book. It
has to have some kind of clue.

Well, give it here.

Look, anything that gets us
closer to finding the Chief,

no matter how absurd or
obtuse or dangerous,

we have to use it to our advantage.

Talking streets, comic books.

I always thought the weirdest
thing in Chief's life was us.

That's odd. The hunk is missing.

What?

Cartoon hunk. The hunky muscle
man in this advertisement.

Mmm. I must've seen this
add 100 times as a girl.

There's supposed to be a man there,

but it's empty. It's like he just
walked out of the comic book.

--

Oh, yeah.

Okay, easy.

Here we go. Easy.

Okay.

Be smart now, Ernest.

A little bit goes a long way.

From the Journal of Niles Caulder.

I've spent weeks at the mercy
of this primitive creature.

Finally, my strength
has started to return.

This specimen seemingly exists

in complete opposition
to the modern world,

entirely removed from mankind.

She would be the crown jewel
of the Bureau's collection.

Oh, don't be alarmed.

My... My leg is feeling better.

It's feeling good, thank you.

I'll be able to leave soon.

I'll have to go home.

Home...

I'll have to go.

Home!

You could come with me.

My people would love to see you.

They'd take great care of you.

I'm never gonna leave here, am I?

You didn't save me. You kidnapped me.

I'm just your pet.

I'm a play thing to you.

That's what you think of me, isn't it?

How dare you!

I'm not a pet monkey!

I'm not an animal!

You're the animal!

We are not animals!

I'm not an animal.

Stay back.

Don't you come near me.

You've kept me here against my will.

You've bound my hands.

I can't! I will not...

These are not animals left to rot.

They are men.

They deserve a proper burial.

It's the right...

It's the Christian thing to do.

My God.

What is this place?

Oh God, this is remarkable.

There appears to be even more
to this strange creature

than I'd originally assumed.

I'd always suspected that
my captor was primitive,

but I never considered
what that truly meant.

This ancient culture,

tens of thousands of years
old by my estimation,

was once a proud tribe.

But one by one, they faded away.

Except...

Unless my eyes deceived me,

my captor had existed within
this tribe for generations.

Every era.

The question was, how?

Eternal life.

Something I never before
considered possible.

Something I struggled to comprehend.

My mind raced with questions,

but I could not find my voice.

I could only bear witness,

and behold her.

Oyewah.

Oyewah.

Finally, I began to understand

the nature of the creature I had found.

And then, in a single moment...

Oyewah.

I realized that I understood
absolutely nothing at all.

It's really you!

Cyborg!

Yes, yes, the famous Cyborg. Incredible.

And you are?

Looking for one Niles Caulder.

Missing.

How do you know Niles Caulder?

Oh, I know all about Niles Caulder.

I know how the Bureau of
Normalcy is looking for him.

I know about his band of freaks,

the race car driver, the basket case,

the test pilot, the Hollywood actress...

And so much more.

I'm sorry. Who are you, again?

Well, I'm known by many names.

In Spain, they call me
El Cazador de Barba.

My psyche profile, they
call me a pogonophile.

But most commonly, those
who dare speak my name

call me the Beard Hunter.

Okay. The Beard Hunter.

So the Bureau of Normalcy hired...

the Beard Hunter.

Okay, what else do we need to know?

If you're the Beard Hunter,
why don't you have a beard?

Hormone disorder.

Man, how do you know Niles Caulder?

I consumed Niles' essence.

Fragments of his facial hair.

Still fresh.

Wait. Hold up.

"Consumed his essence"?

You didn't...

In the bathroom,

did you eat Niles' drain scum?

Why?

What's a soggy piece of hair
got to do with the Chief?

What's hair got to do with the Chief?

You better back your ass up.

I'm sure you care very much
about finding the Chief.

We all do.

But I'm not sure he can help you
with whatever is wrong with you.

Help me?

You really don't know
him at all, do you?

You think finding Niles will rescue
you from your pathetic lives,

but Niles Caulder is not the
man he's led you to believe.

Niles Caulder is not your savior.

He's a false god.

Finding him will change nothing.

You'll still be nothing more
than a broken football star

and a washed-up actress.

Then just tell me why
we should be listening

to this crazy-ass lunatic we just
found passed out in the bathroom?

'Cause I know the truth
about Niles Caulder,

and I know how to find him.

His beard calls out to me
from across time and space.

I can hear its siren song.

That's my superpower.

My je ne sais quoi.

I can trace a man's
beard anywhere it is,

anywhere it has been.

Okay.

Okay, I'm done.

Never underestimate the
power of the beard.

From the journal of Niles
Caulder, date unknown.

After the funeral, I choose to remain and
study the creature in her natural habitat.

She wields a psychic power
with incredible potential.

What other wonders could
she possible unlock?

Immortality.

A bridge to the unknown.

She is the ultimate discovery.

She represents all the Bureau
of Oddities stands for.

- Horkon.
- Horkon?

- That's a new one.
- Horkon laka.

- Horkon?
- Horkon.

After that day,

I fell deathly ill.

Stay back.

I'm not well.

Were if not for each other,

we would have perished.

Oyewah.

Oyewah.

You are remarkable.

All right, that gentleman
is clearly a nut muffin,

but I think we should try to use him.

If he knows where the Chief
is, that can help us.

Maybe we can co-star with him.

You mean "team-up"?

Yes, that.

If it helps us find the
Chief, we have to follow it.

That's what you said, right?
No matter what.

All right, you're right, um...

Okay, here's the plan.

- We just let him go.
- What?

Something tells me this Beard Hunter
guy isn't much of a team player.

But we can track him, using this.

Impressive doohickey, Victor.

But how are we supposed to track him?

Hey! He hasn't told you yet, has he?

What's wrong with him?

He's been lying to all of you!
Haven't you, Victor?

Okay, Beard Hunter,
you're, like, a nine.

I'm gonna need you to take
it down to, like, a four.

It's too late, Cyborg. I consumed
a sample of your essence.

I'm inside your head now.

Facial hair connects me to
the secrets of the universe.

It's the ultimate flavor savor.

All the memories, secrets, sandwiches...

A man's beard witnesses all things.

And only I can decode the language.

You wet the bed until
you were six years old.

You killed your mother when you were 18.

When you were little, you
called her "Cotton Candy,"

and she called you...

I know it all!

Your facial hair connects me
directly to the brain stem.

Sure.

Just hit him already!

Tell me, Cyborg. Why would
a man like Niles Caulder

choose to live with a gallery
of rejects like her?

And why would he want you to join them?

Grid, diagnostic check.

What's up with my arm cannon?

Unknown threat detected.

Host has been compromised.

- What?
- Well, well, well...

Looks like I'm not the
only one inside your head.

Initiating total system control.

What is he talking about?

That's what you were
told, right, Cyborg?

The search for Niles Caulder
would destroy you all.

- Shut up!
- Victor, what are you doing?

Grid.

Weapons systems have been activated.

Grid, deactivate cannon.

- Here we go.
- I repeat...

What on Earth is wrong with you?

There's nothing wrong with me.

Beard Hunter!

Just admit it.

You'll never find the Chief.

You don't want to.

You're afraid of what you'll
find if you keep looking.

You have no idea what
you're talking about.

Actually, I've seen who you
and Niles Caulder really are.

And the truth is...

You're not gonna like the truth.

Oh.

Here he comes.

Grid.

Stand down.

I got this.

Host has been compromised.

System control has
been deemed necessary.

Listen to the little voice
in your head, Cyborg.

You're not in control.

Target acquired.

- Lethal force activated.
- Grid, stop!

- T-minus five...
- Stop now!

- Careful!
- four, three, two...

Stop!

You could have killed them!

Victor, shut it down!

I can't.

"I can't."

- Victor?
- Victor?

Voice Command. Activate
emergency shutdown.

Code word, "Elinore."

Get out of here.

- I'm sorry?
- Go!

Look at me. Look at my face.

I want you to always remember this.

Ernest Franklin,

the man who defeated Cyborg.

I wonder, who will play me in the movie?

It's okay. Just let him go.

Spring has sprung,

and life is returning.

I have chosen to remain
here in the north.

This is no longer a journey
of scientific discovery

but an exploration of something deeper.

Something within myself.

There is nothing but the hunt,

nothing but the thrill

and peril

of survival.

It's liberating.

Days pass into months.

Months pass into years.

My old life fades.

My new life feels

eternal.

? I'll home to me parents
Confess what I've done ?

? And ask them to pardon
Their prodigal son ?

? And when they've caressed
me As ofttimes before ?

? I never will play The
wild rover no more ?

? And it's no, nay, never ?

? No, nay, never no more ?

? Will I play the wild rover ?

? No never no more ?

Hello, old friend.

I can't believe you're
alive after all this time.

Did you know that I
went to your funeral?

Niles, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have left you up here.

If anyone should be asking
forgiveness, Alistair, it's me.

Those scars.

In fact, I should be thanking you.

I finally found where I belong.

You can't possibly plan
on staying out here.

Ah, the Bureau will
manage fine without me.

You've been gone a long time, Niles.

The world's changed.

We're at war.

A Great War.

Worst anyone's ever seen.

I didn't know.

We had no choice.

Organization had to change.

Mission had to evolve.

Odd is out. Normal is in.

What does that mean?

The mission.

We still seek out that
which is abnormal,

only now we exterminate.

You've been gone, Niles.

The world no longer needs explorers.

The world always needs explorers.

Tell me, how did you do
it, survive out here?

I was fortunate.

I found the bodies of those
two missing hunters.

They had equipment, gear,
enough for me to survive.

I foraged.

And I learned to hunt.

Winters were difficult.

I managed to find shelter.

Well, I sure had the wrong
impression of you, Niles Caulder.

Your hairy little girlfriend.

She didn't have anything to do with
your miraculous survival, did she?

Don't deny it.

I've seen her.

I've been tracking her.

She's good.

Haven't found her nest.

Why don't you show me?

What the hell happened back there?

Just a glitch.

Victor.

Something's wrong.

With me.

Ever since my reset button got pushed,

something's been wrong in my system.

And it's getting worse.

Did you ask your father for help?

I can't trust my dad.

If I ask him for help, he would just

take control of my whole
system and never let go.

He's not like Niles.

He's, um...

I gotta handle this
whole thing on my own.

What are you going to do about it, then?

We can't keep blowing up the
mansion every other day.

I can fix it.

I promise.

But don't tell anyone yet.

They rest of the team can't know.

They'll worry I'm turning into that...

psychopath in Jane's painting.

What are the rest of us
supposed to do in the meantime?

We need you.

We need the Chief.

As ridiculous as it sounds,

our best chance of finding him just

kicked my ass with some beard magic.

Thank goodness I was able to stick him

with that tracking doohickey thing
of yours before he got away.

You're kidding.

Rita Farr, you're amazing!

Fix yourself up quick.

Once you're back online,

we'll track down the
Beard Hunter together.

Thank you.

Welcome back, Jane.

Give her some room.

What the hell happened here?

Long story.

What happened in there?

It's not my story to tell.

I get it.

Fortunate.

That monster you and I
were after all these years

turned out to be nothing more
than a hairy little troll.

After last time,

I traveled north with half a
dozen men for protection.

Seems silly now.

How did you find her?

She found me.

Bureau will give me an
award for this one.

Both of us.

Did you hear that?

Hear what?

I believe the word is...

"Horkon."

I'm not the man you remember.

Help me!

No one can know about her.

She's my secret to
protect from the world.

Help!

Oyewah.

My journey to the north
was fraught with peril.

It came at a great cost.

But I'm pleased to report to the
gentlemen of the Bureau that,

whilst my experience was unique,

there is nothing odd to report.

There is no monster to speak of.

I was alone for many years.

But, in that time, I
did make a discovery.

I discovered the strength
inside myself to survive

and to outwit

and outlast

whatever true monsters
this world has to offer.

Thank you.

Well, what do you know? Even I
discovered something today.

Didn't know you've been
eavesdropping on my memories.

Haven't you noticed?

I'm crafting a story piece by piece.

"The Search for the Chief." This...

unexpected wet dream of yours,

this is a very important chapter.

The day Niles Caulder changed forever.

Don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, don't you?

Well, what did we learn?

You murdered your friend

and left your dream girl
behind, all for what?

True love?

More secrets.

More layers to the banana, unappealing.

Secrets have a cost. Look
at what they've cost you.

Look at what the search
for you has cost them,

your band of bargain-bin action figures.

They're stronger than you think.

I'm counting on it. But
you and I both know,

there's no way they all
make it to the finish line.

You've always been a man comfortable
with compromise, Niles.

I mean, after all, you fell
in love with a Canadian.

Let's play a game.

Answer one question,

and all this goes away.

You go home.

Yes, your precious family will survive.

There'll be chocolate cake, balloons.

Just answer one question.

Where is the girl?

I don't know what you mean.

That's what all this has
been about, hasn't it?

All this time.

Your foolish quest to live forever.
All to keep her safe.

You're wrong.

You and I have been doing this
dance for a long time, Niles.

I don't know how, and I don't know why,

but, somehow,

you've managed to keep a hairy
little secret away from me,

and I want the truth.

Where is she?

Tell me!

- Think about what will happen
to them if you don't... - No.

No. I don't care what you do to them.

I will never give you the
satisfaction of breaking me.

Now, that's the Niles
Caulder that I know.

Hey, Mama, it's Ernest.

My mission was a huge success,

I guess I'm a legit supervillain now.

Anyway, been tracking Niles
Caulder's beard here for days,

but I'm getting closer. I can smell it.

All right, be home soon.

Hi, Ernie. Sorry I missed your call.

So exciting about the beard-hair thing.

Hope you're making lots of friends.

Anyway, I love you. Come home soon.

Also, I need the car back.

Finally.

Oh, hello, there.

Who are you?

Have you come to play with me?

I like your costume.

www.TUSUBTITULO.com
-DIFUNDE LA CULTURA-