All language subtitles for Bless.This.Mess.S01E01.HDTV.x264-CRAVERS

To answer your question, no, I'm
not having a nervous breakdown,

but thank you
for your concern.

Well, I wasn't
concerned about you.

I was concerned about me.
I mean,

I'm a rip-roaring
narcissist.
Yes.

And you technically
are my therapist,

so you're supposed
to be servicing me.
Yes.

How could you move
to a farm in Nebraska?

I-It's more like

how could I not move
to a farm in Nebraska

when it looks like this?

What?

Come on, my husband's
great aunt dies

and leaves it to him
and bam!

I'm living
in a Pinterest page.

Have you ever
farmed before?

Uh -- you know --
uh -- no.

Have you ever
been to Nebraska?

I have not, no.

But I am
excited to go.

Oh, my God.
Hmm?

I should
move to Nebraska.

Oh, I can't
let you do that.
Then we could be together.

No.
We could be best friends.
I could be your neighbor.

I would advise you not
to do that just based on
what I know about you.

We could
bake together.

Monique, do you remember
what we talked about?

The whole world
doesn't revolve around you.

Don't -- Don't do that.

Third eye.
Okay.
What's your price?

There's no price.
It's not a number --
Yeah. Name your number.
I'll buy you out.

It's not -- I'm not --
And you can't "buy me out."
I want you to come
live in my house.

These are just -- You got
to work on boundaries.

With a different
therapist.

Mike! I just told
my last patient

that I'm leaving,
and I think GPS

has me getting to you
in 57 seconds or --

Whoa! Watch where
you're going!
Hey, hey!

Watch my big, fat ass.
Yeah, you wish

that ass was fat,
sweetheart.
Jerk-O!

Ugh, the people in this city!

Driving me crazy --
I can't wait to get out.

Honey, I see you.
What, hon?

Rio:
Mike! Hey!

Hi! Hi!
Aah!

Did you quit?
Did you quit?

How did it feel?
I all the way quit.

It was exhilarating.

My editor
was like, "What?!"

And I was like,
"Yeah, you heard me.

I'm going farming
in Nebraska."

I'm finally gonna have
the time to do everything
I've always wanted to do.

I mean,
I'm gonna become

the man I've always
wanted to be.

A man
who takes care of you.

A-A-And make stuff
with his hands.

I'm not a New Yorker.
Yeah.

I'm a Midwesterner
at heart.

I've got farming
in my blood.
You are.

You've seen me
at Whole Foods.
Yeah.

I always walk straight up
to the right heirloom tomato.

I know the best one.
I grab it.
Yes.

I mean, you're from
the suburbs of St. Louis,

but I understand
what you're talking about.
Rural.

Yes.
Very rural.
Very rural.

Okay. Last item.
It's party time.

Okay!
Aah!

-- Captions by VITAC --

¶ I'm goin' up the country ¶

Look at the sky,

and these
vast plains, and...
Mm.

It's just -- it's gorgeous,
isn't it?

You know what
I'm gonna do?
What?

I'm gonna pull this car over
and we're gonna frolic

in one of these fields.
No, I'm not do--

Yes. When's the last time
you frolicked?

I am not doing that.

I'm frolicking!

Hi, Mom.

Rio, whatever you do,

do not get out
of that car in Iowa.

A girl was murdered there
in 2008.

Mom! Mom.
Her head
was found in 2009.

How do you know
we're in Iowa right now?

I track your phone.
What -- am I not gonna

track your phone?
I'm your mother.

You track
my phone, too?

This is too big
of a change, Rio.

You've never lived
anywhere but the city.

You don't even know
how to drive.

You're afraid of cows.

No, I'm not.
You're afraid of cows?

No, I'm not --
I'm not afraid of cows.

You were traumatized

when you were
six years old, remember?

Your father took you
to the petting zoo,

and the cow escaped,

and then it killed itself
on the freeway?

Wait, you
witnessed that?

Yeah, it was awful.
Oh, my goodness.

I've actually studied
farming quite a bit, Donna.

I wrote an article about
the DJ from Public Enemy

who started a very
successful ostrich farm.

Rio, who
is this man you married?

I never liked him.

You don't need to waste
your time whispering, Donna.

I can --
I can hear you.

You've been married,
what, a year?

It's nothing, sweetheart,
believe me.

Pretty great first year.
Not a single fight.

That's right.
So...

Mom, I know
what I'm doing, okay?

I'm done with New York.
I need a simpler life.

No screens.
Especially for this one.
Yeah, unplugged.

I'm only gonna use my phone
in case of an emergency.

Does your husband
have a very large

and/or interesting
penis

that's tempering your ability
to make rational decisions?

It's both, though.

It's both.
For the record, it's both.
No, no, no.
No -- No reception.

I'll show you
the next time you visit.
All right, love you.

Breaking up, bye.
I'll show you.

- Got to remind me to show you.
- I am not breaking --

Don't you dare hang up!

Nebraska!

Whoo!

Honk, honk.
Honk.

Okay. Uh...

You know, guess it could use
a coat of paint.

Something warmer,
like...
Yep, yep.

...like a light brown,
or a...

a medium yellow.

And I think
we're gonna be there.
Uh... yep.

Yep, yep,
yeah, yeah.

Not too shabby.

It -- It is
a bit shabby.

Mike:
Honey, I don't want you
to underestimate

the power of
some sandpaper...
Okay.

...and some
elbow grease.

Well...

Oh, that's appropriate.

My lady.
Yeah.

¶¶

Okay.

All right.
Yeah.

Yeah. I mean,
it's -- you know,

it's not so bad.
Yeah.

This will be fine.

Yeah.

Well...

It's just a floor.

And, uh,
also the "ruff."

I think I just swallowed
a little bit of ceiling.

You know,
that afternoon light

might really be nice
in the foyer

if we just
embrace it.

Put a little...

Plexiglass or
something over.

Just keep moisture out.

¶¶

Sweetie, you don't need
to worry about the roof.

I'm gonna handle it.
I'm back to my roots now.

Yeah, you are.
I'm all man.

Oh, my goodness,
that got cold!

Okay, it's a little
cold, yeah.
Why did that
just get so cold?

Yeah. I guess
I didn't even notice.

I guess
I overreacted.

Mike.

There's somebody in here.
Shh.

There's somebody
in our bathroom.
So go do something.

Who is in here?

I don't know if it's an animal
or a person. Someone is in here!

They're using the toilet!

All right, get behind me.
I'll protect you.

What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna protect you.

What are you gonna say?
I don't know yet.

All right.

Hello.

I'm Rudy.

Oh.

Rudy!
It's Mike!

Man, is it great
to see you.

Rio:
Rudy...

Oh.
...is Aunt Maggie's
neighbor --

I haven't seen him
since I was a little kid!

Lost my house
a couple years ago.

Maggie said I could
move into the barn.

But there's no plumbing
out there,

so I got to use
your bathroom sometimes.

So, sometimes.

Now, what do you, uh, do
in the rest of the times, or --

Bucket.

Mm-hmm.

Um...

A bucket.
Um...

You need to tell him
he can't use our bathroom.

Honey, when you use
that voice,

I do not know
what you're saying.

Tell him he can't use
our bathroom.

- It sounds like a goose.
- No.

I see
your mouth moving --
You need to tell him --

She's asking you to tell me
not to use the bathroom.

Thank you
so much, Rudy.

Better fix that roof.

Storm's coming.
A storm?

Is that right?
Oh.

And when is -- when is
the "storm a-coming"?

Soon.
Soon?

Uh, so...

Today, or...?
Soon.

Got that.

Woman: Oh! Hey!

Oh, my gosh.
There's -- neighbor --

They must be
your neighbors.

These people just, like,
walking up to just, like --

group saying "hi,"
and welcome us.
Yeah.

What should I say?
What should I say?

Okay, so just
start with "hi."
Okay.

And then just kind of
let it evolve from there.
Yeah, just, like...

She was born
and raised in New York.

She's never said hi
to a neighbor.
This is so fantastic.

I'm so glad I'm here for this.

Mike and Rio:
Come on in!

Hi!
I'm Kay Bowman.

- Oh, hey.
- I'm Beau Bowman.

This is our son, Jacob.
- I am their son, Jacob.

- Yes, hey, hi.
- Hi there.

Beau. Kay.
Young Jacob.

Rudy.
Rudy. Rudy.

Can I offer
you guys something?

Um, we don't have much,
but we have a little, uh --

uh, a biscotti, and some
unsweetened ginger beer.

Hand-spun noodles.
Also like
a-a turmeric cracker.

The red are gluten-free,
as I recall.

There's a, I think
an ashwagandha, uh, hot drink.

Anything, uh, jumping out
at you, that you...?

No, listen, we're, um,

interested in buying
your property.

We're thinking of expanding
into the slaughter industry.

Yeah, we would like to use
this house as our meat locker.

You know what? I think
there's been a little bit
of misunderstanding.

Yes.
Because we're not
selling, unfortunately.

We're gonna stay
and make a go of it here.
Yeah.

Yeah, only a few days ago,
he was, uh --

he was a music journalist
and I was a therapist,

and now we're farmers.

Gonna grow alfalfa.
Yeah.

Hold up. Now, what do you mean
you're farmers?

Just all
of a sudden?
Um...

Y-Yes. Yes.
Should --
Should we not be?

We've been doing this
all our lives.

You don't just announce one day
you're a farmer. I mean...

My wife's a supermodel.
I'm Christie Brinkley.

I'm an astronaut.

I'm Jacob.
Oh, okay.
All right.

You guys, that farm -- that farm
is not gonna grow anything.

The soil is dead.

Top soil washed off
years ago.

Rio: I'm just sort of
trying to figure out,

like, did we
just quit our job

and, like, move to a farm
that doesn't grow anything?

Do you know
what I mean?

Cowgirl.
Hmm?

Are you worried?
I'm -- No.

I'm, like, chill.

I'm just,
like, processing.
Oh.

Oh, good. Okay, that's good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm not, like --
Yep, yep, yep.

Tip your hat, tip your hat,
tip your hat.

Your hat -- tip it.
Oh, um...

Sir.

That was amazing.
That felt amazing.

Yeah.
That was good.
That was, like, a --

That was like
a victory for me.

So, y'all must be
that couple from New York, huh?

Yes. How did
you know that?
Yeah.

The hat.

Oh.
Oh.

Hi. I'm Constance Terry.

Oh, t-- Connie's.
This is your store. Great.
Yes.

I'm an old friend
of your Aunt Maggie's.

I'm so sorry
for your loss.

But she did get a little
racist near the end.

You know, but, hey --
ain't nobody perfect.

Is there anything I can do
to make that right, or...?

Yeah, I don't --
I think we just leave it.

You know what I mean?
'Cause at this point --

Constance.

Oh. Hi, Rudy.

I'd like to compliment you
on the pants you're wearing.

Uh...
Yeah, they, uh...

They're stretch denim.

Uh...

Made in Bangladesh.

Bangla-what?
Bangladesh.

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waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com

They have the appearance
of denim...

but they feel like
an exercise pant.

¶¶

Hey, honey!
How's it going?

Mike:
Oh, we're good!

Lookin' real good.

Done, done, and done.

Oh. Awesome.
So it's fixed?

There's a bit of
a-a little crack

with some -- maybe some moisture
will get in, but...

Oh.
...with a little bit
of work still,

I think
it's gonna be great.

On the roof, or there --
Is there a hole still?

Well, what's a hole?

Like, the classic
definition of one.

Yeah. Yes.

Yeah.

Um, I got the --
I brought this book out.

So -- So what I've done
here is I pulled --

Honey, I --
you know I can --

I can see that
you're using your phone.
What?

There's, like, a couple things.
A, I can see it.

B, and then your motion
was clearly scrolling.

Yes, I w-- I-I had
this out just to, uh --

Photograph the pages?
No, I -- of course,

you know, just -- we have a hole
in the roof still,

and the storm is coming,
and the soil is dead,

and, you know, I'm kind of
like, "Ahh, doom."

So...
Spinning a little bit?

I am spinning
a bit, yeah.
Okay, listen.

We're gonna be fine.

Well, how do you know that,
really, though?

I just know.
Yeah, but you can't
"just know."

I mean, it's not possible
to -- to just --

Okay, are --
are we fighting?

No.
We're not fighting.

Great!

Great.
That's great.
Yeah.

Oh, yeah.
That's all we need --
Aah!

Sheesh!
Watch out.

Why did you -- why would you --
You broke the hammer!

Why'd you break the --
'Cause I'm strong, Rio!

I'm stronger
than I look.

Rudy? I was wondering

if we could
borrow a hammer.

Yes.
I will allow it.

Okay.

I'm sure
you have questions

about what happened
at the hardware store.

I -- In -- No.

Oh. Do I?

With Constance?

We have a lot
of sexual chemistry.

Enough said.

I didn't --
I didn't notice that.

You're a therapist, right?
I was a therapist.

Um,
but now I'm a farmer.

Is there something that you want
to talk about, or...?

I don't need therapy.
I'm not a Jewish person.

Oh, no, no, you don't have
to be Jewish to go to therapy.

"Yeah." "Okay."

No, I'm serious --
you actually --

you don't
have to be Jewish.

My friend keeps having
a dream about his ex-wife.

Makes it hard for him
to sleep in the barn.

And your friend
also sleeps in the barn?
Sleeps
in the barn, yes.

Got it. Right.

His name is Bun.
Bun.

His wife left him,

but now he's having feelings
for another woman.

But in the dream, his ex-wife
has really sharp teeth,

and she's dressed
like Big Bird,

and she keeps yelling,

"I know what
you did, Rudy!"

I know what you did!"

She calls Bun
by the name "Rudy."

Yes.

Bun isn't
a real person.

Okay.
That's okay.

I think
what's going on

is that you're having
feelings for someone new,

and that means you're
letting go of your ex-wife.

Do you think that's
what actually scares you?

¶¶

You're good.
That's...

Wow.

Hi, neighbor.
Hey, Mr. Mike!

Beau:
Just sayin' hi.
How you doin', guys?

I'm -- I'm a little busy
right now, if you don't mind.

Yeah, we heard you're having
some trouble with your roof.

Jacob can help.
He's got a real feel for wood.

I love wood.
Yeah, he tried to eat it
when he was a little boy,

and I started calling him
Beaver, until Beau told me --

I told her
to stop.
Well --

Who's a beaver?
I got a hammer.

Okay,
back in business.

Yep.

I think
you're doing it wrong.

Thanks for the help,
but I got it covered.

Aah!

You know,
that storm

looks to be
pretty bad.

Price'll go down
if the house gets wrecked.

Oh, is that right? Well --
um, I am curious, actually.

What -- What -- How much is it
that you're offering?

Hey, hey, whoa, whoa.
Rio, Rio, Rio, Rio.
I would be --
just curious.

You know, I was just cur--
I was curious...

Are you trying
to sell the farm?
No, I was just curious,

'cause I was just -- Let's --
Can we go talk somewhere?

No, I'm right in the middle
of fixing the "ruff."
Yes, roof.

Okay? And if we go talk,
I can't fix the roof.

Roof, but --
No, what I was gonna say

was that maybe we should
just, you know,

both agree that, like,

not a lot of progress
has been made --

I see a lot
of progress.

There's a surfboard up there
that I think you brought.

Do you
not believe in me?

Is that what's --

Okay, you know what?

I'm gonna take
a five-minute walk.
No.

Cool off.
Mike -- I-I -- No --

Just to get some air
in the system and, uh...

Excuse me.
No, no.
...you know,
breathe a bit.

Mike, please.
I just need to be alone
for a minute, hon.

I-I would like
to be alone.

Can we
be alone together?

You think he's ever
held a hammer before?

Not in his hand, no.

Stop it, Beau.

Honestly, what's really
important is that, you know,

Mike and I got into, like,
a real argument, you know?

I-I understand,
but Mike is fine.

What I want to know is,
what kind of storm
is it, sweetheart?

Is it a tornado?
If it's a tornado,
that's very, very dangerous.

Oh, no, Mom.
You need to get out of there
right away.

Oh, Mom.

What? W-W-What?

It's happening.
W-W-What's happening?

What's happening?

What's happening, Rio?!

Cow.

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Constance:
Whoop, whoop!

If I was you,
I'd get --

It's not on.
What?

It's not on.
Is it on now?

No.
I think
the battery may be going.

Is it on now?

Yep.

Whoop! Whoop!

If I was you, I'd get off of
this private property

unless you want a BB gun
pointed at your ass. Over.

Constance,
why are you in a cop car?

Because
I'm the sheriff, too.

And I run
the local theater...

...and we just did
a production of "Les Mis."

And I-I played
a French ho.

You know, I came out here
to get a little alone time,

if that's not
too offensive to you.

Too bad.
Because I want to know

why you're walking along
this road by yourself.

Rio, get big.
Get big and scary,

but with a happy face,
but with your eyes shut.

No eye contact!
Very large, and moo.

Show 'em who's boss.

I'm the boss.
I'm the boss.

Very good, Rio.
Go with what you've learned.

You know. You know
what this is all about.

Yeah.
This is about
your father

and his abandonment
of all of us.

I'm a child of divorce,
all right?

I'm from New York,
you know?

I don't want any trouble.
I really don't.

Ohh, it's moving
its head.

Put the cow
on the phone, Rio!

Put the cow
on the phone right now!

Let me tell 'em
a thing or two.

Can you
talk to my mom, please?

Get your hands off
of my daughter,

you big, fat,
bovine beast!

Oh, my God! It's attacking me!
It's attacking me!

Rio and I got in a fight,
and we've never fought.

Y'all never fought?

How long
you been married?

A year.
A year?
That ain't a marriage.

That's a long date.

You still in the part
where you're pretending to be

what the other person
wants you to be.

You know, my husband,
we fought.

We fought -- We fought a lot
before he passed away.

But you got to fight.
Fighting is good.

Fighting is when two people
care enough to get ugly.

Everything can't be good
all the time.

You know, the best kind of love
ain't happy.

The best kind of love
is honest.

Best kind of love
is honest.
Mm-hmm.

Rio!

Rio, we got to batten down
the hatches. Storm's here!

Hey, Mike,
how was your alone time?

Mike: Hon? Where --
Where are you?

I'm up here.

Oh! What are you
doing up there?

You know, I'm just --

I ran up on the roof
to get away from a cow.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Baby, you got to come down.
The storm is here.

Um, yes,
I-I would love that.

I just -- I'm experiencing
what I would diagnose

as a panic attack.
Okay, say no more.

I'm coming up.
I'll get you down in a jiff.

I'm stuck, Mike!
All right, I'm coming!

It's a very sneaky,
aggressive cow, Mike.

It's okay, honey.
I'm here.

You're not stuck.
You're not stuck.
Hi!

I'm gonna guide you
to the ladder, okay?
Okay. Okay,
I'm not stuck.

You're not stuck.
I'm not --

One, two, three.
Two, three.

Okay.

This just in --
we are stuck.

I have to pee!

Yeah. Me, too.

Why'd you
leave me alone?

Why'd you try to sell
the farm to the Bowmans?

Oh, I don't know, Mike!
'Cause maybe look at it!

Are we fighting?
I think so, yeah.

Good. Good.
Yeah.

We need
to fight, okay?

You have not chilled out
since we got here!

Because...

I really wanted
to be this, like,

cool, chill, brave
kind of girl, you know,

when we got to the farm,
but the truth is I'm not.

That's not me.

And I currently
do not know

what to do with my life,
and that really scares me.

Okay, well,
th-that's okay.

There's another thing.

I love my phone.
I love it.

I have not unplugged, and I have
no intention of unplugging.

Yeah, no doi.

I want you to know

that I want to be the man
that can fix a "ruff."

I do. But -- But I don't
think I am.

Roof.
Ruff.

Roof.
It's "roof."

I'm pretty sure it's "roof."
We're saying the same word.

No, we're not.
It -- It's fine.
I'm --

And while
I'm being honest, hon,

I-I didn't --
I didn't quit my job.

The -- The magazine folded,
and I got laid off,

and I didn't know
how to tell you.

What?!

I was afraid you would
think I was a failure,

and then the farm just
kind of fell in my lap,

so it all happened
really quickly, and...

¶¶

Just -- Can you --
Can you say something,

even if it's in that
annoying whisper-voice?

Oh, my God.
Sweetie...

I'm so sorry I drug us
out to this terrible farm.

It's not
how I remembered it,

and this whole thing
was a mistake,

and I'm sorry.

No... it's not a mistake.

I-I -- It's what I love
about you, Mike.

You make my life
an adventure.

You really do.

You make me
feel brave.

Honestly, the thing
that scares me the most

would be my life
without you.

¶¶

¶¶

Hey, honey.

I just want you to know
that I --

I peed
a long time ago,

and it was quick,
but it happened.

Oh, good.
I-I peed, too.

And it was not quick.

What the hell?

Oh.

What,
it's like an armada.

Oh.
Hey!

We got a call at the station
from someone named Donna?

She said her daughter
is in danger.

Thank you guys so much.

Thank you!

Hey, this is just
what we do, okay?

Everybody, come on.
Let's get 'em down.

All right,
don't you fall.

Come on, let's go, everybody.

¶ I'm goin' up the country ¶

¶ Baby, don't you want to go? ¶

Come on, missy.
Let me warm you up.

Oh, Constance,
thank you so much.

Yeah, I got
to take this off.
Great.

Mike?
Hey, Rio.

We just want to say we're still
interested in making a deal.

Yeah, like I always tell Jacob,
it's okay to give up.

Thank you so much.
We're gonna stay, so...

How wonderful for
our community. Right?

Were you just saying that
to get rid of them,

or do you mean it?
No, I mean it.

You mean it?
Yeah.

Okay.

¶¶

Mike!

Alfalfa!

Alfalfa!

That's it! That's it!
The soil is not dead!

When should we tell 'em
it's a weed?

Soon.

The soil is not dead!
Mike: We did it!

¶ We're growing alfalfa,
growing alfalfa ¶