Original subtitles

We wish you a Merry Christmas

We wish you a Merry Christmas

We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

Good tidings we bring for you and your kin

Good tidings on Christmas and a Happy New Year

Now bring us some figgy pudding

Now bring us some figgy pudding

Now bring us some figgy pudding...

Holy night

All is calm

All is bright

That was lovely. Cookies anyone?

Oh, goody. A James Brown encore. Hot thang.

Everyone's a critic.

How did the cookies go over?

Like garlic bread at a vampire picnic.

Oh, people here are much more health conscious than back in the old country.

Anthrax scotchies are very high in saturated fat.

Well, more for us then, hmm? What smells so good?

Herman Munster, stop haunting my kitchen.

Now, shoo.

Go help Grandpa and Marilyn decorate the living room.

Oh, is the tree up? Goody.

Oh, and please remind Grandpa to check the stockings before he hangs them.

Last year he forgot to take the feet out.

it's Christmas and the graveyard folk have all come out to play

They're going to take...

Well, would you just look at all this?

I don't think I've ever seen halls decked quite as nicely.

If I didn't know any better, I would think that this is Santa's jolly-holly mausoleum.

I think Grandpa's got a little interior decorator in his blood.

That's where I got the makings for these mistletoes.

Mistle-toes?

Get it?

Uncle Herman, can you help me charge up the lights?

Oh, happy to oblige.

It's beautiful.

Well, it's about the prettiest tree I've ever seen.

Eddie's going to be so excited when he sees this.

Kids, that's what Christmas is all about.

I can't wait to see the happy expression on his little face when he sees this.

Eddie. Eddie, what do you think, huh?

Isn't this the most Christmassy sight you've ever seen?

Well, maybe we should all fan out a little bit and let Eddie take it all in.

He's speechless.

We saved something for you, Eddie.

You get to top off the tree, Son.

Oh, yes. Now... Now it's perfect.

What do you think, Son?

A little buzzard whispered into my ear that this could be the merriest Christmas yet.

Yeah. I guess.

BOY: Get off me.

Hi, can I walk with you?

Sure.

Hey. Hey. Hey.

Oh, no. Hector Barberi.

Evasive action.

Are they following us?

I'm too scared to look.

I wish there was a full moon, so I could change into a werewolf.

Uh-huh. And then we could both fly away in my private Learjet.

Check it out. Egghead and some Munster cheese.

Anyone for an omelet?

Come on, Hector. We just wanna go home.

Not till I say so, wolf boy. Hey, is that for me?

Come on, give that back.

"Dear Santa,

"This year I'd be very grateful If you could bring me the following:

"New torture spikes for my iron maiden,

"a Mr. Maggot Head, some cobra venom, and a Little Pumper gas chamber."

That's sweet.

You're one sick puppy, Munster.

Santa doesn't visit freaks.

Merry Christmas, loser.

You're a loser, man.

Come on, throw it here, come on.

That Munster boy's been digging up people's flower beds again.

Oh, Merry Christmas, Eddie.

Christmas bites.

What's that you're holding?

Nothing.

Hmm. What's eating him, I wonder?

Well, there goes the only guy who cares about Christmas more than I do.

Eddie, you're covered in mud.

Have you been burying your classmates at recess again?

Something like that. Uh, I'm going to bed now.

Nighty-night, Eddie. Time for bed.

Hi, champ.

Hi.

Hi, Wolfie.

Is something bothering you?

Like about Christmas?

The doorknocker said that you said it bites.

I don't know, it's just not the same here.

Christmas was better back in Transylvania. I mean, I used to have so much fun.

Had the freezing cold, making snowmen,

having fun with my friends.

I just miss home.

Christmas just isn't the same here.

But we've got a new home, here in America.

Maybe, but it doesn't feel like home.

Doesn't feel like Christmas, either.

Good night.

I love you.

Oh, Herman, what are we going to do?

Besides full moons, Christmas has always been Eddie's favorite.

Don't worry, Lily. I'll think of something.

Okay, Munsters, we are in the holiday crisis mode. Eddie needs our help.

And I'll be poked with a pitchfork before I let him down.

Don't knock a little pitchfork poking until you've tried it.

We have to make Eddie feel like this is home.

Show him that Christmas here can be just as wonderful as it was in the old country.

So, we need to give Eddie the perfect Transylvanian Christmas?

Right. Now, what does that mean, you might ask?

Presents.

Revelation, Herman.

But not just any present.

I'm talking the ultimate present.

Imported directly from Transylvania.

The Fears and Roebuck holiday nightmare catalogue.

Look here at page 666.

"The Marquis de Sade, Dungeon Action Playset."

It's so cute. Look at the little thumbscrews.

Plus the rack comes complete with stretch-o-matic action.

What little boy wouldn't love to have that?

Herman, we can't afford this.

Nonsense, Lily, it's Christmas.

I'll just have a little talk with Mr. Gateman down at the parlor.

I'm sure he'll be happy to give me an advance.

That's it? That's your big plan?

A toy dungeon?

I think someone's neck bolts are too tight.

If someone has another idea, I'd like to hear it.

Actually,

Eddie's homesick for Transylvania.

I say we invite the family from the old country and throw a big Christmas party.

Now we're cooking. Lily? Any ideas?

The reason LA doesn't feel like home to Eddie is because he's alienated.

He needs to get involved.

The Homeowner's Association is having a big holiday decorating contest.

I'm going to enter us and get Eddie to help me.

That way he can feel that he's really involved in something.

Give me that chalk.

You people are making this so complex,

so psychological.

All Eddie needs is snow.

All Eddie needs is an old-fashioned Transylvanian white Christmas.

In Southern California?

You are looking at Eastern Europe's preeminent alchemist.

I could make it snow in your pants if I want.

Well, I'd rather you didn't, if it's all the same to you.

All it takes, is a little of this, a little of that, a bit of MSG,

and, poof, instant blizzard.

So, what we have now is a four-step plan.

Everybody's gonna pitch in.

I'll get the money for the present.

Marilyn, you send out the invitations for the Christmas party.

And, Lily, you enter us into the decoration contest.

And, Grandpa, you make it snow but not in my pants.

It's gonna be the best Christmas Eddie's ever seen.

Oh, Herman.

I just love it when you get all "take charge"

Bonus? You want a bonus?

Well, you see, Mr. Gateman, there's a special gift I'd like to get for Eddie.

And I figured that, well, since, you know, it is Christmas...

Christmas, you want to talk about Christmas?

Oh! This time of year used to send my business soaring!

Faulty wiring on dried-up Christmas trees.

Broken dampers on chimney flues!

Drinking and driving!

But now, with safety restrictions,

fire codes, designated drivers,

I'm lucky if I can pay my crematorium bills at the end of the month.

Advance?

You're lucky I don't fire your lame carcass on the spot.

The party's gonna rock,

and these family photos are a great way to remember everyone to invite.

By the way, who's this?

Oh. That's your uncle Ramahn Ptah.

He was in line to be a Pharaoh.

But they went to the party system and he lost the vote.

Don't invite him. He's into those pyramid schemes.

Oh, looks good.

Is that gonna make it snow for Eddie?

No. It's gonna make reality fade for Grandpa.

Hi, Spot.

Feels good, huh?

Why do things always have to change, huh, boy?

We're stuck in this lousy place where the sun hurts my eyes

and Hector Barberi makes fun of my fangs.

And you, you're not even allowed out of the house.

If I can't have a Transylvanian Christmas,

I don't want Christmas at all.

Burn, Spot.

There you are.

Alrighty, Edna.

You are now officially entered into the Christmas decorations contest.

You think you're gonna win again this year?

Oh that certainly would be nice.

But winning first class ribbon six years in a row does seem a lot to hope for.

My money's on you.

I mean, that display you did last year with the square-dancing elves?

Santa's ho-ho-hoe-down!

Excuse me. Is this where we sign up for the decorating contest?

Munster? You're entering?

Well, hello, Edna.

Why, yes, Eddie and I are gonna bond a little and decorate the house.

Say hello to Mrs. Dimwitty, Eddie.

Hi.

Shake.

Oh, I'm not touching that.

Probably just as well. He's overdue for his flea dip.

Good luck in the contest, Edna.

That's my neighbor.

Oh. Oh. Are you all right?

Yeah. Thanks for the assist.

Well, what happened?

It's embarrassing to admit it, but I saw you and got distracted.

Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry.

I've always been the ugliest member of my family.

You're the ugliest?

Well, yes. I don't have any neck-bolts, fangs or fur,

and I don't have half the fashion sense my aunt Lily does.

Okay, now I know, you're kidding.

You've got a great sense of humor.

Thanks.

I guess.

Oh, and thanks for helping me pickup my invitations.

No problem.

"Marilyn Munster."

Beautiful name for a beautiful girl.

Beautiful?

Are you okay?

Um.

I have to, you know, go now.

Hey. Wait. You forgot one.

California girls

I guess she must know someone in the cast.

Grandpa?

Huh?

Do you think a guy could find me attractive?

Well, that's a very interesting question.

Because I met this guy today who said that I was beautiful.

Well, of course he did. Appearances aren't everything.

You have a good heart. The guy that gets you is lucky.

Who is that boy?

Well, I don't know.

I kind of panicked and ran away before I got his name.

Soup.

We're gonna have a white Christmas for real.

Bananas are curvy and apples are spherical.

Bring into this circle a cool winter miracle.

This is gonna be tougher than I thought.

Get the blow-dryer.

Oh, cool.

What is it? What is it?

A Marquis de Sade Dungeon Action Playset.

You've made me the happiest wolf-boy in the world.

Look at yourself, Herman Munster.

You talking to me?

Darn, darn, darn right.

I've got to lay off the hemlock.

Eddie needs your help and you're moping around feeling sorry for yourself.

I don't have any money.

Then get off your lumpy, green keister and find some.

He's right. I mean, I'm right.

I've got to start seeking alternative sources of income.

Good day, madam. I...

Something to be proud of, isn't it, Eddie?

Decorating the house, getting involved with the neighborhood.

I'm tired of decorating. Can I take a break?

Are you sure?

Oh, yeah.

Well, all right then.

But I'll need your help later when it's time to string the mealy worms.

Okay.

Ooh. I'm out of my league here.

I wish I could find an expert on Christmas spirit.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Polar Bear to Icehouse.

Polar Bear to Icehouse. Do you copy?

ELF: That's a roger, Polar Bear.

That last turn was a little wiggy.

I think there's something wrong with Vixen's hoof.

I copy that, Polar Bear. We'll check it when you touchdown.

Speed diagnostic test prediction.

Okay.

Let's open her up and see what this baby's got under the hood.

Ho, ho, ho.

Oh. Lefty, Larry.

Mind the weight distribution back there.

We seem to have picked up a bit of a wobble.

Sure thing, boss. You got it, chief.

"Mind the weight distribution back there."

Larry, Larry.

Why'd you do that?

Because I'm cold and I'm overworked,

and I'm tired of taking orders from that snowsuit-stretching slave-driver up there.

I want a vacation.

Somewhere where it's warm and sunny,

there's hot sand and plenty of cold beer.

And rubbing tanning lotion on supermodels?

Surgically enhanced supermodels.

BOTH: Silicone. Silicone. Silicone.

Oh, hush boys. You're spooking Blitzen.

Give me a blizzard.

Give me the big one from the Pole.

Where the fa-la-la-la-la am I?

What am I doing here?

Who are you people?

Somebody around here has been naughty and I want answers.

Uh..."Naughty" is a very strong word.

Oh, look! Elves!

You guys are so cute.

She thinks we're cute.

I heard. Pinch me.

Ow! Not so hard, you moron.

Lefty, Larry, behave yourselves, you boys.

We're gonna find out where we are.

You're in Mockingbird Heights, California.

I'm Marilyn Munster and this is my grandpa.

He accidentally transported you here.

California?

Two days before Christmas, and I'm in bah-humbuggin' California?

Oh, pardon my Norse, miss.

It's just that it's a bad time for me,

what with Christmas Eve tomorrow night and all.

Hey, Larry, I just found religion

She defies the laws of physics.

It'd take me an hour to climb up that.

But it'd be worth the trip.

Look, Grandpa, isn't it?

I need to get back to the North Pole right away.

Or there's going to be a lot of very disappointed children this Christmas.

Oh, my, my, my.

You can send me back there, can't you?

Stop that! Can't you?

Are you kidding me?

I am Eastern Europe's preeminent alchemist.

All it takes is a little magic.

Why don't we give the magic a rest, Grandpa,

before you turn him into a lunch-box or something?

Let's try this the safe way.

I'll just call the airlines.

This is great. For once, we're getting what we want for Christmas.

The night off.

Oh.

Well, what about all the little boys and girls?

It'll teach them to deal with disappointment.

We're in Southern California, dude.

They've got it all here. Surfing, ball games, mud wrestling.

Naked beaches?

All-girl volleyball teams.

Yes. I'd like to book a flight to the North Pole please.

Hey, face it.

As long as Sir Tub-a-lot is stuck here, the party light is lit.

Yes.

Tell them he's the original frequent flier.

The passenger's name is Kringle, first name Kris. Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

They hung up.

Well, maybe it's for the best.

I hate traveling by plane.

I don't understand how they keep the darn things in the air.

Well, are we ready to stoop to use my magic?

After all, I am...

Eastern Europe's preeminent alchemist.

We know already.

We should ask Uncle Herman and Aunt Lily first.

Oh, yes. They'll know what to do.

Oh, good.

No, no, no. We can't do that. You know how they get.

They become upset, they blow things out of proportion.

They'll take away my chemicals.

Got it all under control. Relax. Trust me.

All right, Eddie, throw the switch.

That nuclear reactor that Grandpa installed sure is a life saver.

Especially with our summer air-conditioning bills.

I've never seen a house this festive.

Now aren't you proud of what we did together?

Yeah. I guess.

Oh.

I know you're sad, Eddie.

But you can let yourself be a little proud of what we've done.

After all, people are impressed with you.

Excuse me, are you Lily Munster?

Why, yes. And you are?

Bob Pawlikowski.

I'm the chair of the voting committee.

Oh. A pleasure to meet you.

Well, this is it.

We're thinking about calling it "Santa, bloody Santa."

How cheery.

Uh-oh.

And this is my son, Eddie. He's the artist.

That's your son?

I thought he was one of the decorations.

Oh, great flaming bunions. What is that?

That's Eddie's creation, Randolph the Rabid Reindeer. Show him, Eddie.

Come on, Mom.

Please?

That's real dog foam, too.

Us Munsters don't skimp when it comes to Christmas.

It's absolutely horrifying.

You're too kind.

The final vote isn't until Christmas morning.

But as far as your display is concerned,

I'm afraid things look pretty bleak.

Oh, wonderful.

That's exactly the effect we were aiming for.

Oh, he said something to her.

He said something to her and she looks happy.

Lily Munster looks happy.

Poor dear, a day's work and he's just dead.

What do we do now?

I say we do some bar hopping.

How about mud wrestling? Can we see mud wrestling?

Nothing mends a broken heart like a mud-caked bikini model.

Let's make tracks while Captain Wide Load is distracted.

Par...

Sleeping. Come on.

Party. Party.

I hate to be a pest, Grandpa, but I'm really starting to get nervous.

I mean, the clock is ticking and we're still here.

Not to worry. Your teleportation potion is right here.

Whoa! Radioactive.

Four mockingbirds Three French hens

Two turtle doves And a partridge in a pear tree

On the eighth day of Christmas My true love sent to me

Eight maids a-milking Seven swans a-swimming

Six geese a-laying

Five golden rings

Sisters! Come.

We've still got four more days to get through...

Phooey.

Just look at this place, Eddie.

Awash with Christmas gloom.

Good work, Son.

You must be the proudest little wolfie-boy around, huh?

Well, as long as Mom's happy.

No matter what I do, nothing seems to excite him.

I thought he'd at least start to snap out of it by now, but so far, zero.

Seeing him like this, it really breaks my heart.

Oh, how's the extra cash-scheme going?

Well, you know us Munsters, Lily. Moonlighting's what I do best.

No luck, huh?

Plenty of it.

All bad. Oh.

But I'm not gonna let this beat me, Lily.

I know that I'm going to get a job.

And I'm more motivated than ever now.

Now that I'm doing it for Eddie, I can't give up.

Oh, no. Grandpa!

He died with his boots off.

What happened? What was that noise?

It's Grandpa.

He... He...

Wow, that was hot.

I nearly singed the hair right off the top of my feet.

Grandpa? I demand an explanation.

It's entirely my fault.

We made an unscheduled stopover,

and Grandpa was just trying to help me and the boys go home.

Where are those elves?

Santa? Santa Claus? Is it really you.

You're hurting him.

My spine!

Oh, it's okay. Sorry.

Herman, right?

He knows my name. Santa Claus knows my name.

Look who it is, Son. It's Santa himself.

Now doesn't that set your Christmas spirit soaring?

Go over there and don't be nervous. Say hello to him.

You can sit on his lap later.

Hi.

You must be, Eddie, right?

How'd you know my name?

I'm Santa Claus, son. It's my job.

That belly. It really does shake like a bowl of jelly.

No more hugs.

Oh, sorry.

364 days out of every year, all I do is prepare for this one night.

I just can't miss it.

Don't worry. Grandpa's on the case.

Yeah. Sooner or later, he's bound to luck out and get the spell right.

Well, I hope so, for all the children's sake.

Nothing like a little black widow's tea to calm the nerves.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Munster.

Um-hmm.

Well, Eddie, is there anything you'd like to ask Santa Claus,

as long as we've got the man right here?

No, that's okay. Thanks.

Oh. Okay.

Well, Santa, do you mind if I ask you something?

Go right ahead, Herman.

Let me do this the formal way.

(GROANING)

Santa? Santa, how do you do it, hmm?

I mean, how do you deliver all those gifts

to all those children all over the world in one night, hmm?

And how do you fit those zillion toys Into the one, big burlap bag?

I'm gonna black out now.

Herman, I think I hear bones crunching.

Oh!

Oh, sorry, sorry.

Sometimes I wonder what pauper's grave they dug my brains out of.

Oh, no, it's all right, Herman.

My lap's built up quite a few calluses over the years.

Oh, and that lumbar pinch.

Oh, what's that? That...

It's addressed to me.

What is that, Eddie?

It's nothing.

Is that your letter to Santa?

It must have gotten lost in the mail. No worry, though.

I can put in an express order for you.

No thanks. That's okay.

See, I didn't mail it for a reason this year.

I don't want anything from anybody.

I just want Christmas to be over.

Well, I just... I don't know what to do.

I've never seen Eddie like this.

And, Santa, maybe you could...

Oh? Might I talk to him?

Oh, Santa.

That would be wonderful.

Fine scorpion farm you've got there.

They're tricky to raise.

Careful. You hold them too close to the stinger, you might snap the tail.

You know about scorpions?

Oh, I know about a lot of things. I was your age once.

Granted, it was hundreds of years ago, but nothing ever changes that much.

Yeah?

Bet your parents never made you move to a whole another country.

Oh, they sure did.

One time my dad moved us all to Greenland so he could look for work as a toymaker.

I hated Greenland.

It was bitterly cold and the only kids around to play with were Viking children.

Nothing meaner than a young Viking.

Then you haven't met Hector Barberi.

Oh, I know Hector.

Don't worry, he's on my "coal and deer-droppings" list this year.

So what'd you do about Greenland?

Made the best of it.

Passed the time by learning to build toys.

Pretty soon, I had some friends, and Greenland actually felt like home.

Well, that's easy for you, I mean, you're Santa Claus.

And you're Eddie Munster.

And that's something pretty special, if you ask me.

Things will get better, son.

But denying yourself the joy of Christmas won't make it happen any faster.

The little Lord Jesus

Lay down His sweet head

The stars in the bright sky Look down where He lay

The li...

What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?

You know, he tried that with me, but I got his first.

Wanna see?

Oh, poop!

I'm never gonna hear a song all the way through.

Oh, yes.

This display is magnificent.

Are you serious?

Naturellement.

Obviously a tip of the hat to the Artaudian theater of cruelty.

Please, Peter. Please.

Where are the Artaud's signature Dadaist tropes?

Note the interplay between the positive and negative space.

Oh, yes.

This is clearly Grand Guignol.

Touch , Gerald.

The juxtaposition using the iconography of Christmas

should make for scathing social commentary.

Wouldn't you say?

Yeah. I was just thinking that.

Excuse me.

"Marilyn Munster, 1313, Mockingbird Lane."

This is it. She's got to be here.

Um.

Proper etiquette states that three, short, crisp knocks are acceptable form.

Anything more than that, is rude.

And on a personal note, bloody painful.

Sorry, Mr. Talking Doorknocker.

Not at all.

And please, call me Clive.

Okay. I promise not to say a word.

I just want to hear you sing.

I'm sorry.

I promise not to interrupt.

Just sing your Christmas carol to me.

Jingle bells, jingle bells

Jingle all the...

Marilyn?

Uncle Herman?

This is... Tom.

Ah. The boy I've been talking about.

You mean you're not here to sing for me?

Sorry.

Darn. Darn. Darn.

Very nice to meet you, young man.

Wow. I can't believe you're here.

Me neither.

How did you find me?

I got your address off one of those invitations you dropped.

Oh.

I wanted to let you know that my band is playing at this club,

and if you're interested...

Hog Heaven?

Yeah. It's kind of a rough place.

Bikers, bar brawls, that kind of thing. But, you know.

Oh, well, it sounds nice.

Tell you what, we've got kind of a lot going on around here tonight.

But if I can, I'll be there.

Sounds good.

That green guy is your uncle?

Yeah. Mom's side of the family got all the looks.

Oh.

Well, maybe I'll see you later.

I hope so.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Oh, to be young and in love again.

Oh, my gosh.

I've got to find something to wear.

How could you forget your ID?

I'm 608 years old and I've got a full beard.

I wasn't expecting to get carded.

You're three feet six inches tall, your toes jingle.

Someone was bound to ask.

Lefty. Larry. Good news, boys.

Grandpa has figured out the missing ingredient to his teleportation potion.

Marshmallow fudge SnackWell's cookies.

Yes.

Those suckers never cease to amaze me.

We're going back? There's no way we're going back.

No way we're going back. No.

Absolutely no. We can't go back.

We've got to stay here. We're gonna party. Come on.

No, wait. We can't go back. Wait. No, no, no, no. Wait.

We can't go back. Wait. Wait.

Come on. Come on. Let's go. Come on.

Elves.

Grandpa, how long will it take?

Oh, about an hour.

In the meantime, Grandpa's bushed.

Got to get my beauty sleep.

An hour?

I've got to get back and finish making those toys for the children.

Boys?

Boys?

Now where've those elves got to?

Oh well, they're elves, you know. They're probably off doing something jolly.

What'd you hit me for?

Because, I'm mad, and you're close.

I'm telling you. I've had it. I'm not going back.

What're we gonna do?

Something we should have done a long time ago.

Cancel Christmas.

We're gonna put the Load Warrior out of commission.

How are we gonna do that?

I don't know. Let me think.

Let me think.

Larry, this is it.

Santa's about to have himself a sleepy little Christmas.

Now where did I put my keys?

You know, sometimes I swear I'd lose my head if it wasn't bolted on.

You know, I'm so excited. I'll be home in one hour.

Well, in the meantime, I've got to go out and get some supplies

for my new job. Telephone solicitation.

I'm trying to work my own Christmas magic here.

You know, Herman, I could help you with whatever you need.

No, thank you, Santa. No, I'd rather do it myself and for Eddie.

Well, I'm sure you'll do just great.

I think so. I'm a people-pleaser.

Oh. There it is.

Pardon me.

Okay, Mr. Stitches just left out the front door.

Hurry up and add the sleep potion so we can get out of here.

Sleep potion. Right.

All set at this end.

Someone's in the kitchen with Lefty

Someone's in the kitchen I know

We'll give Santa sleeping potion

And Christmas Eve will be no go

Hang on, I'll be right back.

Okay.

Oh, Santa?

Snack time.

Did somebody say "snack"?

I could have sworn that I heard...

Figgy pudding.

What a wonderful family.

Bizarre, frightening, but wonderful.

I think something went wrong.

"Dessert transmogrification elixir?"

Congratulations, Chestnut-head.

You just turned Santa into fruitcake.

I did?

Okay, look at the bright side.

We did want Santa out of commission. Let's face it.

You can't get much more out of commission than

being magically transformed into a holiday dessert.

This clears the way for us to have a little fun

I say we check out this place tonight.

Hog Heaven.

Hot music, cold beer, dancing.

Whoa, but before we go anywhere,

I say we check out Grandpa's lab and do a little redecorating.

Great idea. Oh, that lab is so dingy and cramped.

We can really open it up a bit, add some light.

Experiment with colors.

We can create a flow from the stairs.

Please.

I don't mean really redecorate it.

I mean, trash the place so nobody can fix Santa.

One thought.

What if, while we're gone, someone tries to eat Santa?

Never happen. Nobody likes fruitcake.

Oh, hello. Hello. Mrs. Tesseract?

Yes, my name is Herman and I'm with Consolidated Air Conditioning.

Do you find your home stuffy and uncomfortable?

Do you find yourself soaked with sweat on hot summer days?

Hmm? Oh, yes, certainly.

Do you find yourself soaked with sweat on hot summer days?

Uh, yes, yes, yes. I'm a big believer in discipline.

My, aren't you the curious one?

A night gown and big boots.

How about you?

Well, I guess you won't be needing an air conditioner then.

I'm sorry to trouble you.

Santa?

You have to see this Munster display.

It's something really special.

You really like that monstrosity?

Well, Fran. It seems you missed the obvious tip of the hat

to the Artaudian theater of cruelty.

I did? It jumps right out at me.

But with my extensive background in art.

Maybe if we squint.

Oh, no. The judges are lingering.

That's a bad sign.

Is that whistling I hear?

Well, it's hard to be totally grouchy when you got Santa Claus in your house.

He's pretty cool for an old guy.

Old? He's only 970.

And he doesn't look a day over 400.

Yoo-hoo. Bob. Bob. Yoo-hoo.

How nice.

Edna's coming over to admire our decorations.

Oh, dear.

So, what do you say we leave this ugly, inappropriate lawn

and walk across the street to my house

for some delicious decorations?

Oh, I mean, dessert.

I suppose a tiny little bite wouldn't hurt.

Oh. Herman, Edna Dimwitty is outside and I don't have a Christmas present for her.

A fruitcake.

Perfect.

Oh, Herman.

You're the best.

Dessert? My favorite word.

But the judging.

Oh, it can wait.

Last one back to Edna's is defective light bulb.

Edna.

Oh? Oh, what does she want?

Well, go on. Go on.

I'll catch up.

Edna.

Merry Christmas, Edna.

From my family to yours.

Fruitcake? I can use this.

Hey. Thanks, Munster. Your present is in the mail.

Lily. We're, ah, missing something.

Something big and red and with a twinkle in his eye.

Santa?

Oh, my. Are you sure he's missing?

We haven't seen him for hours.

He could be lost somewhere, or hurt. We've got to find him.

Munsters, let's move out.

Pardon me, Mr. Sweep. Have you seen Santa?

You really didn't have to go to all this trouble, Edna.

No trouble.

Not for my favorite people in the whole darn neighborhood.

So, how's that judging coming? Made any decisions yet?

Standards are very high this year.

But don't worry, you're one of the front runners.

Along with the Munsters.

The Munsters?

That display of theirs is very sophisticated art.

Did you know that I imported decorations from France this year at great expense?

I hear the Munsters got theirs at a Halloween clearance sale.

But we can talk about that over dessert.

So, what's on the menu?

Oh, my!

That cake is incredible.

Time to cut the little fella up and eat him.

(MUFFLED CHATTERING)

Oh, don't mind me.

I'm just so excited by the competition this year that I can't contain myself.

See?

Edna? Is everything all right?

Yes.

Never better.

I'll just be one second.

A novelty item, you see? It's got a microchip in it.

Wait. Where do you people think you're going?

This is obviously the wrong time.

Oh, no. You don't understand.

It's not me. It's the Munsters.

This fruitcake is on their side.

It wants me to lose the contest.

Well. I think we all understand how temperamental baked goods can be.

Too much eggnog.

No. No!

No!

We scoured every inch of Mockingbird Heights.

I am so exhausted.

You could douse me with holy water and I wouldn't budge.

How do you expect to hide a guy as fat as Santa?

Oh, my gosh! Do you think maybe Spot got hungry and...

No, no. I checked his bowl. There's still half a mail carrier in there.

Well, Spot does like to snack, you know.

That's not funny, Grandpa.

I'm sure Santa's out there somewhere and wherever he is,

he's perfectly safe.

What'd I say?

I'm sure Santa's fine, Eddie.

Then why did he leave us like this?

You don't think he just walked away from Christmas, do you?

I'm sure it's not like that.

Oh.

Seems like someone's tapping,

tapping at our front door.

Edna, what a lovely surprise.

Can the sweet stuff, Munster.

I happen to know you deliberately sabotaged me.

You and your trick screaming fruitcake.

Edna, I assure you I don't know anything about a screaming fruitcake.

Although, I do have a recipe for one that bleeds.

You've got a lot of gall, Munster.

Oh. You're right, where are my manners? Would you like to come in?

I wouldn't set foot in there if a pack of rabid dogs were after me.

Of course, why would you be cooped up indoors

when you can be outside frolicking with rabid dogs?

Don't be a stranger, Edna.

Two visits in one day.

We really are starting to fit in.

The funniest thing just happened.

Edna Dimwitty thinks this fruitcake screamed at her.

The fruitcake is back.

It's like a yummy dessert boomerang.

Oh, I love you, pussycat, bolts and all.

I love you too, dear.

Santa, is that you in there?

The mystery is solved.

Somebody slipped Santa my dessert transmogrification elixir.

Your what?

It's a potion that turns you into a fruitcake.

Well, what's the point of that?

Well, it's a cure, so you won't be a fruitcake.

Now, Grandpa, how many times have we told you about these frivolous spells and potions?

And what about the time that you asked me

to conjure up the Sunday funnies three days early?

You don't call that frivolous?

Well, I was going out of town and Little Orphan Annie was in a real jam.

I had to find out how things turned out.

Yeah. Santa.

Santa? Don't you worry about a thing.

We're going to go down into the lab and have you back

to normal in the Saint Nick of time.

Now, all we have to do is reverse the formula for the elixir.

My lab.

My beautiful lab.

Well, you can fix Santa, can't you?

Without my lab, I couldn't fix a martini.

That Christmas fairy looks familiar.

No. You can't get away with this.

Santa, can you hear me in there?

I should've known you wouldn't give up on Christmas.

Well, without being mutated, I mean.

You're the best.

Please hurry, Mom. We need Santa back.

Oh, I'm doing the best that I can, Eddie.

Why isn't Grandpa helping you?

Oh, well...

Grandpa had to take a little rest.

Come on, Grandpa. You've got to come out of there sometime.

No. I'm a loser.

I used to be Eastern Europe's preeminent alchemist.

Now I'm just the guy who turned Santa into a giant hamburger.

Fruitcake.

What's the difference? He's not Santa anymore.

You see, Eddie, when I was a little girl, Grandpa used to show me all his tricks.

We turned wine into weevils, synthesized the bubonic plague,

oh, there was no end to the fun.

And now, thanks to this handy cookbook, modern conjuring is a snap,

using ordinary household items.

Oh. Would you hand me that can of gecko tongues, dear?

You can do it, Mom.

I hope so.

There. Finished.

Herman, why does your steamboat have wheels?

It's a ducky.

You see, I figured that since Santa's so far behind schedule,

that I'd help him out by making a few toys, hmm?

One down, and fourteen million to go.

These people are sick.

Sick.

Help me.

Help me.

Cross your fingers.

Three times for luck.

Oh, gracious. It's working.

Well, back to the drawing board.

Oh, dear. Now I'm not even getting the holiday right.

Darn, darn, darn. This is hopeless.

Well, let's not give up, Herman Munster.

Go down to Grandpa's lab and see if any of his blowfish bile survived.

Maybe that's what I'm missing.

That's my Lily. She's got a true never-say-die attitude.

Well, I'm a vampire, dear, I can't.

Eddie? Marilyn?

What are you kids doing down here?

We're trying to figure out

who trashed Grandpa's lab.

Sounds like a long shot to me.

Wait a minute.

What is it, wolf-boy?

I smell something.

Elves.

Elves did this?

Santa's adorable little mop-top elves?

Santa's trusty never-say-die helpers?

Well, I don't mind saying, I feel a little bit betrayed.

Yeah. Well, just imagine how poor Santa must feel.

It's the night before Christmas Eve and his own men turned on him.

I wonder where those little stinkers got to?

How did this get down here?

Tom gave me this flyer.

I stuck it on the fridge.

Do you think the elves brought it down here?

Hey. Maybe that's where they went.

Kids? I think it's time we paid a visit to Hog Heaven.

Are you sure this is what the kids are wearing these days?

How are we gonna find these two little losers?

Well, they don't exactly fit in.

I'm glad you could make it.

I'm glad to be here.

Uh, so you guys are rehearsing for some sort of performance art piece? Is that it?

Let me buy you a drink. Hey!

What's your poison? Strychnine.

What's yours?

How about something non lethal?

All right. Virgin bloody Mary.

Light on the virgin's blood, if you don't mind.

Hello, boys.

What? What do you want?

I think you know.

What we did was between us and that jolly old suet sack.

This has nothing to do with you.

Hey. I thought elf tossing was Thursday nights.

Nothing to do with us? You guys are ruining Christmas.

You have to help us change the fruitcake back into Santa Claus.

Before you guys showed up, I couldn't have cared less about Christmas.

But Santa showed me how important it really is.

Now thanks to you guys, there won't even be a Christmas.

Please.

Don't "Oh, please" us.

What you did broke Eddie's heart.

And that puts you two at the top of my "naughty list."

Now just imagine

all the kids in all the world who are gonna wake up tomorrow

and find nothing under their trees.

If you don't come help us, Christmas won't even happen.

Sorry, we've got better things to do. Right, Larry?

Larry!

Fine. Well, I hope you two are darn proud of yourselves.

Come on, kids.

I've got to run because we're, like, storming out and everything.

But maybe I could come back and see you later.

That is if you didn't mind.

Mind? I can't wait to hear what the story is with the little...

Guys in tights.

Okay.

Do you think we're being too selfish?

No. I don't think we're being selfish.

Everybody's entitled to a little fun.

I couldn't help but overhear your conversation.

Hot damn.

I used to think short guys were really hot.

I even used to have fantasies about elves.

But you guys are really uncool. Shame on you for ruining Christmas.

I'll make this fast, Santa.

You look like you need to go out.

Ta-da!

Oh, Santa! You fixed Santa.

Christmas is saved.

Not entirely, I'm afraid.

What do you mean?

It's so late, I couldn't possibly make it home in time,

to load my sleigh and make my ride.

Well, we could help. I made a ducky.

And I'm sure that we could find a sleigh somewhere.

Oh, it's more complicated than that.

I need elfin magic.

Elfin magic?

Elves are magical creatures. They bend the laws of physics.

That's how I can make millions of toys,

fit them on one tiny sled and make all my deliveries in one night.

The elves are my secret.

Well, let us be your secret.

We can all pitch in together.

Yeah. Thank you, Eddie.

But this is one problem good intentions can't solve.

Millions of disappointed boys and girls.

Start your engines, the elves are in the house.

What do you holiday wreckers want?

Oh, we thought about what you said.

You were right.

We acted like a couple of jerks. But we want to make up for it.

Besides, the babe at the bar dissed us.

But we haven't got any toys to distribute.

Got it covered.

How? Even with your magic, we don't have the manpower.

Let's make some Christmas.

I hear you guys needed some help.

All right.

Where's Grandpa?

Oh, he's down in the lab working on something with Lefty and Larry.

But, at least he's not sulking in his coffin anymore.

Look up.

Hope you don't mind.

Mind?

I insist.

Oh, Eddie, look.

A Christmas kiss underneath the mistletoe.

Yuck.

You said it, kid.

You guys are gonna love this.

Now, you know me Santa,

I'm always on the lookout for work-saving methods.

Usually hiding behind the paint shed. But go on.

Well, I've been noodling on an idea

that would keep us from busting our butts all year long.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Or whatever else you consider yourselves,

allow me to present to you,

the Toymaster 6000.

With Herman Munster interface.

LEFTY: Observe.

Why, this even better than the ones back home.

Still warm, too.

And it can make just about any kind of toy you want.

All we have to do is show Herman a picture here,

and it comes out there.

How fast can it work?

Ah, we've got this baby tweaked to the max.

We'll have no problems cranking out plenty of toys, just in time for Santa's run.

Great. That means we're gonna save Christmas after all.

Boys, I'm impressed!

Why, if we had one of these machines back at the north pole,

we could increase production ten times over.

And that would allow us to give all you elves,

a couple of months vacation every year,

on the company nickel, of course.

You mean it?

Trust me, you guys deserve a vacation.

Just one thing though.

No more fruitcake shenanigans.

Deal?

Deal.

It was his idea. Shut up.

You mean you want me to do this again?

Yes.

You are coming to the north pole next Christmas, aren't you, Herman?

Are you kidding? I'd love to.

What are we waiting for? We've got a holiday to save.

That's the way.

Well done, Tommy. Thank you, Marilyn.

How's it going, Slammer?

That's right. Keep it coming. Keep it coming.

Oh, Lily. Why, thank you so much.

Plenty more where these came from.

Randolph Derkins gets the chemistry set.

Check. Alrighty then.

Bag the sucker.

I love that trick.

Trade secret.

Now, who's next?

Come on, Grandpa.

Come on, Grandpa.

Why is it always, "Come on, Grandpa?"

Why can't it be, "Sit here and relax, Grandpa?"

I'm almost 800 years old. I can't keep doing this stuff.

Here we are.

Don't you think this is the perfect vehicle for Santa

to be making his appointed rounds in?

You're gonna get us shot.

Grandpa, please.

Now, it's not like our domestic situation doesn't merit a little drastic action.

Besides,

it's not like we're stealing, we're commandeering.

And what are you gonna tell the cops

when they pull us over for commandeering city property?

Well, we'll tell them that Santa Claus needs it.

Besides, who can say no to Santa Claus?

You going somewhere, pops?

Well, actually, my son-in-law and I

are commandeering this sleigh because Santa Claus

needs it to deliver all his toys tonight.

Uh-huh. You wanna step out of the vehicle, sir?

Is there a problem, officer?

There's no problem. No.

I got no problem. No problem with anybody.

There's no problem at all. No!

No problem at all. No problem at all.

Well, you see?

You mention Santa, and suddenly everything's all right.

Yes.

Well, that looks like everything. Mount up, boys.

We've got a long night ahead of us.

You know, Santa,

I was noticing that you've got some extra room in the front seat, and...

Well, I was wondering, do you ever think about

bringing along, you know, an extra helper?

Extra helper? Why? I've got the boys.

Yes. Well, it's just that I mean,

if you were to ever meet someone whose lifelong dream was

to make your Christmas Eve ride with you, well,

then you'd have a lot of room for him.

Uh, even if he was "heroically proportioned."

Hmm, never thought of that.

What a wonderful idea. Boys? Take a note.

Starting next Christmas, we bring along one lucky passenger with us on our ride.

Got you, boss.

Thank you, Herman.

You've made some little boy or girl very happy.

Well, whoop-de-doo for them.

Oh, and Herman...

Hmm? What's this?

Early Christmas gift. Open it.

Oh. It's a Santa suit.

It's a uniform.

And you'd better put it on quick if you want to come with us tonight.

I'll be back in two shakes of a harpy's pinfeather.

What a great Christmas.

I wonder if anyone's as caught up in the spirit of the season as we are?

Um-hmm.

Santa. I just had a terrible thought.

Oh?

Now that we've got the presents, the sleigh and the elves,

how are we gonna get the sleigh to, you know, fly?

Well, that's where the reindeer come in, Eddie.

Don't you ever watch any of those TV Christmas specials?

But we don't have any reindeer.

Well, we're going to have to improvise.

Rocko? Yeah?

Knuckles? Yo.

Slammer? Yeah?

Zero? Yeah.

Chopper? Yo.

Bomber? What?

Bammer? Yo.

Cool.

Bye, Lily.

Bye, pussycat.

Sorry, Santa.

Oh, Herman.

Sorry.

You know, Santa,

I understand about the sleigh, but what are we going to do about the...

Reindeer?

Well, we had to improvise, Herman.

The elves whipped up a magic harness to make them fly.

Pretty neat, huh?

Are you guys all right with this?

Sure. Santa promised me a choo-choo.

You know, Eddie,

I couldn't have done it without you.

Well, I'm just glad I could help.

And besides, I'd do anything to make sure Hector got his coals on time.

Don't forget the deer droppings.

Come on, Herman. The children are waiting.

Prepare for lift off.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

On Leadfoot, on Rocco, on Knuckles and Slammer.

On Zero, on Chopper, on Bomber and Bammer.

It's working, Mom. It's working.

We did it.

Christmas is going to happen on schedule.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Don't wait up for me, Lily.

Merry Christmas.

ALL: Merry Christmas.

No... No, Santa, don't...

No, don't retire. No.

Santa, no, I couldn't possibly take over for you.

Merry Christmas, Herman.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

What?

Long night. I must've dozed.

Bye, Santa.

"Dear Herman,

"Since you've been so busy helping me,

"I thought I'd help you with your Christmas shopping for Eddie.

"Love, Santa."

Santa, you shouldn't have.

But I'm glad you did.

Lily.

I'm afraid I've missed almost all of Christmas. I...

Lily, you look beautiful. I...

ALL: Merry Christmas.

They've been arriving all morning long.

Merry Christmas.

Go put this under the tree, Eddie, hmm?

Everyone is here, too.

The headless horseman made it. And your cousin Rosemary.

Rosemary? Rosemary's here? Where?

Oh, I don't know, but she left Junior over there.

Oh, no. I'm not changing that.

This is some party, huh, Uncle Herman?

You betcha. Thanks for all your help there, Tom.

Hey, no problem, Mr. Munster.

Ow!

A Christmas costume party, that's the kind of idea that could really catch on.

Yeah.

Did somebody show up in a costume?

Not that I know of.

Well, he's a tad confused, but he's a nice person, you know?

He saw beneath Marilyn's homely exterior to what a beautiful person she is.

Well, did you get a load of him?

Beggars can't be choosers.

Oh, Lily. Lily, you'll bury me. Again.

Not now, boy scout, I am working here.

I've got to tell you, Edna, it was close this year.

You and the Munsters were neck and neck all the way.

Could we just get to the part where you announce the winner?

Oh, right, of course.

It is with great pride that I award you, Edna Dimwitty...

Look, it's snowing at the Munsters.

Look.

Son of a gun. He made it snow.

Way to go, Santa.

Oh, wow. That's really pretty.

Excuse me? Could we finish?

Pretty? It's perfect.

Hello?

I'd like to change my vote.

So would I.

Well, let's get over there.

Oh, no. I won.

Oh, I was... I was gonna be winner six years in a row.

Congratulations, Eddie.

You've won first prize in the Homeowners Association decoration contest.

All right.

We won, Eddie. We won.

Now, our whole family will feel we're living in a weird neighborhood.

Just look at that trophy.

I've never won anything before.

You see, Eddie? We came together, worked hard

and now we're the talk of the neighborhood.

And the best is yet to come, Eddie.

Why don't you open your present?

A Marquis de Sade Dungeon Action Playset!

Merry Christmas, Pop.

Merry Christmas, Son.

it's Christmas and the graveyard folks are coming out to play

The skeletons and zombies sing a ghoulish rondelet

The goblins wear their jingle bells

And wait for Santa's sleigh

Good tidings of mayhem and gore

Blood on the floor

May your Christmases be scary evermore

Merry Christmas. Happy New Year.