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Pull over! That's my goat!

- Sorry We're in a hurry - I want him back!

- Take it easy, Cordelia - Keep quiet!

Either you stop or I'll stop you We'll all go together

- She's just trying to scare us - Well, she has

My goat!

Ooh, I'll belt her!

I'll kill her!

- So help me, I'll kill her! - Cordelia!

- Yeah? Hit me here on the nose! - Look what you did to my car

Stop that!

- She's your sister! - She stole my goat

- He's getting away! - Don't let her get that goat

Cornelia!

- Go after her! - Who, me?

- Are you afraid of the dark? - You'll break your neck Come back here

Goaty! Here, Billy, Billy

He's getting away Where are you going?

Irene! Irene!

- We'll go that way, Brent - Sure Shall I get a rope?

- Come on, you coward - I'm coming, but I'm not gonna look

Here, goaty

Billy, Billy, Billy!

Where are you?

Come out of there

Now, don't!

Please don't I'm not gonna hurt you, believe me

You haven't seen a goat, have you?

A goat? What goat?

It's a little billy goat, and it stands about that tall

No, it wasn't It was a nanny goat

I remember now because No, it wasn't

She had a beard Now, how do you explain that?

- I can't - Why all the yelling and screaming?

Do I have to have a reason to yell and scream?

- I'm sorry we bothered you, mister - Who's this?

Now we know where she picks up all those creeps she brings to the house

- I didn't like that - I didn't either

Ooh! Are you just gonna stand there and let him knock me down?

Look, are you in the habit of hitting ladies?

I'm more in the habit of hitting gentlemen if I have to

- You heard him You're in no danger - Help me up, you coward!

- If you'd just kept your mouth shut - Oh, shut up!

And you shut up too As for you, let me tell you

I'm getting out of here I hope he strangles you!

We can't just let her run around the neighborhood alone, can we?

That's the most wonderful thing anybody's ever done for me in my whole life

- What was? - The way you flattened Cordelia

- I never touched her - No need for false modesty with me

I saw the whole thing and thought you were wonderful, and I thank you very much

Well, I guess I'd better go and find my goat

Just a minute Was there really a goat?

Of course there was! I'll tell you something else

If Cordelia finds him first, that means she beats me again

- Did she beat you before? - Sure She did last year

I would've won the scavenger hunt with a porcupine, only I was disqualified

because one of the judges sat on it

- What are you looking at me like that for? - Was he hurt?

No We sent him back to the zoo

- Who, the judge? - Don't you know what a scavenger hunt is?

A scavenger hunt is where everybody goes out and looks for three things:

Something mineral, something vegetable and something animal

They've got to be silly, useless things nobody wants I see

The first one back with all three wins

Wins what?

They win the honor of winning

My mother is famous for her scavenger hunts

She has one every year at her charity ball We give all the money to charity

That is, if there's any left Only there never is Now you know the whole setup

There are one or two I have the frame of an old bicycle That's mineral

I've got 5,000 yards of dental floss That's vegetable

And I had this goat That's animal, you know Only Cord

- You wouldn't want to make $10, would you? - Doing what?

Oh I'm sorry I didn't really mean anything

That's one of the biggest problems in my life

I'm always saying something before I realize what it is I really want to say

Then everybody gets mad at me, and

I'm sorry Good night

Just a minute

About that animal that's still missing

I was thinking that perhaps I might get by on account of my, uh

You'd be a smash, only I couldn't ask you after

You're not asking me I'm asking you

Are you really?

Then in that case, come on!

I beg your pardon May I get through please?

I have a monkey Pardon me, please I beg your

Please Thank you Thank you

I beg your pardon I'm sorry May I get through?

I have something animal! What is it?

A monkey I don't like monkeys Take him away

They have four hands You never know where they're gonna grab you next

- Please, Vincent Vincent, come here - I'm busy

Take him anyway There now Take him, Vincent

Testing! Testing! How now, brown cow?

- I say, is this microphone on? - Yes!

I was only asking

Listen, everybody Just a minute

I should like to answer a certain society reporter

who wrote a story about last year's ball and who said,

"Most of the guests at Mrs Bullock's charity affair

seemed to have been recruited from Mrs Bullock's Home for Wayward Girls "

Now, this simply isn't true! We're very careful where we let our wayward girls go

Furthermore, hardly any of them could afford the hundred dollars

I charge all you people to come to these things

After all, if they had that kind of money, what incentive would they have to be wayward?

Honestly, can't you do something about my throat?

- I've got to have something - Do I have to do everything around here?

Don't leave me with him Vincent, come back here!

One Bloody Angelica

Get a load of the dizzy dame with the monkey

I've been gettin' a load of her for 30 years That's my wife

- Look, I'm sorry, old man - You're sorry?

How do you think I feel?

Howard, have you seen Cordelia?

- No, I haven't I thought she was with you - Heaven forbid!

I liked your mother's parties the way she used to have them, with the scavenger hunt last

She had to change that because last year

some of the couples who went out hunting didn't get back for days!

Come on Where did they go?

Well, I certainly hope you don't think I was gonna ask them!

Everybody's dressed

That's only because it said so on the invitation

- Mother! - Irene, is this your monkey?

No I wish I knew who he belongs to He's trying to pull my zipper

Who do you belong to? To whom do you belong?

Who is that? Oh, this

- What's your name? - Godfrey

This is Mr Godfrey, and I win the game

That's mineral, this is vegetable, and Mr Godfrey is an

He's my entry in the third category

- Go on the platform where they can see you - Oh no, you don't!

People aren't animals! If that were the case,

everyone here would have at least one "something"

"animal" before the hunt even started

There are a great many animals, madame, that are almost human and vice versa

I've known the difference between people and animals for a long, long time

- Mother, there's Charles Darwin - Where is he?

He wrote a famous book about certain specimens

Of course I've read that

That doesn't mean I have to agree with everything the man says

- Let Godfrey up on the platform! - We'll put it to a vote

Attention, please

How many here think that we are animals?

Please raise your right hand

Of course we are! Sure we are Sure

I don't believe we made allowance for that Or have we, Vincent?

- How many points are monkeys? - Ninety

Then Godfrey must be at least a hundred

I expect he must be!

- Announcement! - Announcement!

Ladies and Gentlemen! Vincent, you do it

Ladies and gentlemen, as the first contestant to score 150 points,

the winner of tonight's scavenger hunt is Miss Irene Bullock

Congratulations, darling Thank you

You see how you can do things if you just put your mind to it?

Where's James and the champagne? I haven't seen James all evening

- Don't you remember? He quit - Yes, of course

Can you imagine? James left us just because I asked him to feed Mrs Bowden's horse

I don't see why he objected We've got plenty of food

Oh, Godfrey! You must be hungry

Come with me Excuse me, please

I'm sorry

Is Godfrey your first or your last name? Both

Godfrey Godfrey? What's your middle initial? "G "

- For? - Uh-huh

Interesting You know,

you'll never realize what a milestone tonight is in my life

Really?

Oh, yes To finally beat Cordelia at something

after just years and years of trying

And don't think I'm going to forget who I owe it all to

The more milestones there are in somebody's life the better

It just goes to show you that the more ragged and tattered a man is

I'm sorry The more likely he is to say something you can quote

Be careful of these toothpicks Everything has a toothpick

Look

Cordelia, you're too late It's all over Irene won the game

- Dirty little monster - It certainly isn't my fault

Hi, Cordelia You know Godfrey We won

- He's my animal - Why, you no good cheat!

Why, Cordelia! What a peculiar way to speak to your sister

- Why are you so late? - Ask her She wrecked my car

- She did what? - You took your time getting here tonight

I've been here five hours We had dinner together

- Don't you remember? - I thought that was yesterday

Doesn't anybody care Irene smashed up my car?

You bet I care!

Another thing That man she's with knocked me down

She had it coming to her She called him a creep

You know what you said you'd do the next time she was rude to someone

You bet I remember I said I It was you I said that to

It was not, it was me I've never been so humiliated in my life

You said it was stupid to go to the opera in

weather like this without wearing long underwear

You said that to me in front of all those people!

If that isn't humiliating, I don't know what is, especially at a benefit

You never even sent them a check What about my car?

- No, honey They want money - Oh, no

Um, Mr Godfrey!

Godfrey! Godfrey!

Hey!

Mr Godfrey!

Just exactly where do you think you're going?

I was under the impression the game was over and you'd won Since my part was concluded

- But you didn't get your $10 - Don't bother That's all right

It is not all right I know you're shocked and disgusted

And you've never met people like us That's it, isn't it?

I had a very selfish reason for wanting to help you

Since the venture was mutually profitable, nobody owes anybody anything

- Good night - Wait a minute!

Here it is your money I knew it had to be somewhere

It's a twenty

I don't have change

That's all right You can pay me back some other time

Soon as I get a job

Oh! What a perfect butler you'd make

with your voice and your beard and everything

It's very obvious that somewhere along the line

you come from a family that had at least nice table manners

- Are you offering me a job?

Didn't you hear mother say our butler James quit

on account of some horse that wouldn't eat?

- I don't recall - We could only pay you 250 a month

Two hundred and fifty dollars? I know that isn't very much

But there are some months that are very short

Take February It has only 28 days

'Course there's Leap Year, but Leap Year comes only once every four years

That shouldn't bother you very much

It's things like that that prey on a man's mind

Not yours I took psychology at finishing school

Ever since then, there's been no stopping me as far as people are concerned

For instance, it's very, very clear to me

that you're not at all what you pretend to be

I haven't pretended to be anything You haven't given me a chance

My guess would be that you're, um, a writer of some sort

You were hanging around under that bridge gathering background material

for a book you're writing

Well?

There's no point in trying to hide anything from you

You see? What'd I tell you?

If I am that, why would I be taking a job as your butler?

You're gonna take it?

Hasn't it occurred that I might be a dope peddler or a murderer?

Oh, no! You're not the kind of man that would ever come easily to, Mr Godfrey

Anyway, if you really did it, I'm quite sure they had it coming to them

- Who? - Whoever you murdered

It was just that old lady I strangled for her money

We don't have any little old ladies at our house You can start in the morning

What about the rest of your family? Have they got nothing to say about this?

They'd better not say anything, what with all I've got on all of them

We can work out the other details later I'll see you in the morning

- Just a minute - Yes? Anything else?

- I'll take that job - You already did, didn't you?

Thank you very much I'll work very hard to justify your faith in me

- You will? - Really I will

- Good night - Good night

Good night

- Good morning - Hi

- I'm the new - The new butler, what else?

I could be the tax collector, or the milkman, or

Not in this house at this hour

I can set my watch by the new butler arriving every morn

Whoo! Somebody hit the jackpot this time

Somebody gave me a clean shave this morning

You should've seen me last night when Miss Irene offered me the job

I do believe that dear girl is beginning to develop some taste

- My name's Molly - I'm Godfrey

I've seen places like this in magazines I never thought they really existed

Excuse me Your license plate is showing Hang onto it

You might get a refund when you return the suit the same day

I plan to use it for a quite a while Where are my quarters?

Don't be a dreamer You just barely need a place to hang your hat

Our turnover in butlers here is so fast, I've know 'em to come through that door,

pick up a tray, go through that door, get fired and keep going through the front door

Time lapse: Two and a half minutes

On one's first day, a word of encouragement is always welcome

Who's that?

Madame Butterfly Or as she is referred to by her friends, "Poor Angelica "

That's the one with the monkey Yeah

Did you catch that? When you said the one with the monkey,

any normal person would've screamed, "Monkey! What monkey?"

Me, after 15 years, I just nod and say yeah

- Believe me, it frightens ya - Why do you stay on?

I like to sleep late I like to feel like a lady of leisure

If there's one thing you can count on in this house, it's that nobody gets up before noon

- Not even Mr Bullock? - He has breakfast at the office

He says an hour away from home is an hour added to his life

I got the impression last night that he was comparatively sane

He is, but they're gettin' him

Shouldn't I go and see what she wants?

Not until the third buzz She's not actually conscious yet

She's in a sort of half twilight stage inhabited by pixies

and little men playing glockenspiels marching up and down her chest

- What does she take? - Anything that will stomp out the fire

and put the pixies to rout

- I think I know just the thing - You do, do you?

You don't know anything

You're about to embark upon something you'll spend the rest of your life trying to forget

Give it a little drop of these

Then maybe a touch of that

And perhaps

That's going too far

Oh, well

Coming!

Now, you stir it and hope for the best

- Where's her room? - Second floor Last one down the right hall

- And Miss Irene? - At the head of the stairs to the right

The old one will get you groggy The young ones always deliver the knockout blow

I don't know any of them very well, but I do think

that at least Miss Irene has what I would call a big heart

She's got a stray-cat complex No offense meant

That's all right But have you ever thought how many stray cats there are in the world?

And how impossible their lives would be if it weren't for a few

stray-cat collectors like this girl?

Whoo!

Is there someone here?

Yes, madame, there is

Are you friendly?

- One of the most friendly, madame - Oh, good

Ooh Do you hear that music?

Quite clearly, madame

You do?

You're the only one who ever has

- Some of us are more sensitive than others - How very true

- And how very well you you put it - Don't mention it, madame

- Have we met before? - I am the new butler

Oh, yes Of course

We found out that James absolutely despises horses,

and that's one thing I won't put up with

Oh, there you are What's that?

- Pixie remover - Oh, then you see them too

- We're old friends - You mustn't step on them

I don't like them, but I don't like to see them stepped on

I'll be very careful I wouldn't hurt them for the world

- Ooh What am I supposed to do with this? - Drink it

It will bring everything back into its proper perspective

- It will? Really? - Without a doubt

Oh

You know, I

I was enjoying our little talk

We can only hope there will be many mornings, and many such talks

I hope so too But I don't even know your name

I do think it's important that people should know each other's names

That is, of course, if they have pleasant names

I knew a woman once named Harry Rogers

It used to depress me all day just to think about it

There! You see? I've thought about it and I'm all depressed

If you'd like to scream, go right ahead

Mrs Bullock is the first woman I've met in years

with whom I felt an immediate understanding

And you don't feel as if your brain's been eaten away a little?

- So far I haven't noticed - I think I'd worry if I were you

- Miss Irene? - Next cage to the left

- Any hints on how to handle her? - There's nothing to it,

if you understand that early Aztec language she speaks

Come in

- Do you work here? - Yes, miss

- Who hired you? - You did, miss

Godfrey! You shaved it!

- Yes, miss - You didn't have any right to do that

without first talking it over with me

I loved that beard

When in Rome, one must wear one's face the way Romans do

Are you a Roman?

No I'm an Austrian Now, eat your breakfast

Did you have a kangaroo when you were a little boy?

You must be thinking of Australia

You could have one here if you wanted to

I'm sure I could But it wouldn't be quite the same somehow

- Would you excuse me? - No, I don't want to excuse you

- Sit down - Wouldn't it be better if I stood?

No You'd be uncomfortable and I'd get uncomfortable

Then I'd forget what it is I want to say

Yes, but butlers don't just walk into their young mistresses' bedrooms

Godfrey, mind your language!

- I'm sorry, miss - There now That's better

Besides, you don't have to worry around here about what is or what isn't done

No matter how it may look to anyone,

we are not what you call the ordinary, average American family

That is a point that needed clearing up

- Your coat doesn't fit well - I had to rent it this morning

- Take it off and let me see it - I beg your pardon?

Take your coat off

If you insist, miss

Tsk, tsk, tsk

As soon as I get my hands on some cash, I'll get you a new outfit

If you're going to be my protege, I'm gonna have to dress you better

- Your protege? - Sure Sit down

Like Vincent is to Mother She sponsors him, sees he gets enough to eat and all like that

Then he doesn't have to work, which gives him more time to practice, which he never does

That makes a difference, you see

- I see Now, if you'll excuse me - Where're you going?

I have my duties to perform If someone were to ring and I didn't answer,

then as you're my sponsor, it would reflect on you

That's very true Godfrey, your coat

- Thank you - Thank you

- Godfrey? - Yes, miss?

If you didn't have a kangaroo when you were a little boy, what did you have?

Just a parrot All it ever said was "Merry Christmas "

- Aw What'd he say the rest of the year? - Nothing

- Poor Godfrey - Thank you, miss

Good morning, sir

Haven't I seen you some place before?

At your party last night, sir

I'm a little less bearded now

What were you doing in my daughter's bedroom?

Serving her breakfast

- With your coat off? - Your daughter insisted, sir

- I'm the new butler - New butler! Why

- Who hired you? - I did!

He's my protege If anyone lays a single hand on him

- Where have you worked before? - You don't have to answer

- Go to your room - I will not!

- Mr Bullock has every right to ask - No, he does not!

- Irene! - He's trying to intimidate you

- I'm warning you You come with me - Leave him alone

You have no right to cross-examine anyone 'cause he once wore a beard

I hired Godfrey I'm responsible for

Now, then Do you have any references?

I've only just arrived in this country and this is my first situation

Where're you from?

Don't answer that, either Stand on your 5th Amendment

- He's from Australia So what? - She means Austria

I don't care what she means If you think I'm going to take a stranger into this house

Stranger? You listen to me

I know I've threatened to do this many times before, but this time I really mean it

Either you let Godfrey stay, or I go straight to the newspapers

and tell them you got your start in white slavery

And the way I'll tell it, they'll believe me

Get out of here Here's $50 for your trouble

How dare you offer him money!

Godfrey feels there are many more important things in life than money

Believe me, I appreciate very much what you're trying to do for me,

but I think under the circumstances, I'd better leave

- If he goes, I go - You bet your life you'll go

You'll go straight up to your room this minute!

You've never cared anything about me anyway

Cordelia always gets anything she wants!

But just let me want one little thing, like

a butler I can talk to or someone I can feel at home with, and

Irene, please

All right, he can stay! I must be out of my mind

Oh, nobody's perfect, Dad

- Thank you, uh - Godfrey, sir

Thank you, Godfrey sir

I'm most grateful for what you did for me

I told you no one would pick on you while I'm your sponsor

And look! Now we've got the cash for your new outfit

Good morning, Miss Cordelia

I know that man! Well, bully for you!

And remember this He's my butler

You keep your hands off of him Understand?

Tomatoes, cucumber, celery, caviar, on

Caviar? We must have ordered at least 12 cases of caviar since I came here

I know And if there's one man in the world who

thinks I'm the cutest thing, it's our grocer

Which just goes to prove that old saying:

"If you can't get affection at home, you may have to go shopping for it "

How much money have you put in the bank since you started with the Bullocks?

- Not one red cent - Now, Molly

I don't trust banks

One day I'm going to have to make an honest woman out of you

By that I hope you don't only mean you'll cure my stealing

I see Cinderella's stepsister's up and prowling

- I wonder why she rang for you - I have no idea

- Take this It's probably what she wants - All right

Oh You and I could live for about three months

on what a silly little thing like this would cost

- Together? - I couldn't afford you, Molly

Can I help you, madame?

Oh! I was just about to go out the front door when I

Do you remember what I was supposed to do today?

I'm afraid not

I know it wasn't the psychiatrist I saw him yesterday

He said, "Just keep on knitting "

Something to do with the wayward girls?

Of course! Today's the day we're gonna have them vaccinated

I beg your pardon, miss I knocked twice and I heard no answer

- Just a minute - Yes, miss?

You can hand me my slippers

Wouldn't it be more proper if Molly came up to help you?

Is it customary in Europe for a butler to tell a lady what's proper and what isn't?

In Europe it is customary for a lady to be attended by a maid rather than a butler

Well, answer it

Yes? It's for you, miss

Of course it is

The slippers are under the bed

Hello Oh, hello, Charlie

Thank you for the flowers They were lovely

I had a wonderful time too

- Can't you find them? - No, miss

Well, look under here Oh, no

No, darling I was talking to a servant

It's the same old servant problem

It's impossible to get anyone of even the slightest intelligence anymore

Put them on Oh, darling

Darling, you're terrible Of course not No

- I don't make you nervous, do I? - I'm sorry to say you don't

Just a moment, darling

Let me give you a bit of advice

If you want things to be pleasant around here, change your attitude

Thank you, miss The point is well taken

So this is what goes on while I'm at the cleaners!

If you will excuse me

I told you to keep your dirty hands off of him!

If you ever come into my room again, you won't have enough teeth left for a decent smile!

Oh, I heard that threat So, from now on

I can hardly be blamed for anything I do to protect my own person

Oh, shut up!

Lovely

Lovely

You are so lovely

Lovely My lovely as can be

Lovely

Heaven "abovely"

You stole my heart Please set it free

I like that, Vincent What's the name of it?

Lovely Oh, Lovely

Lovely I must say, it fits it perfectly

You are so lovely And the words are so easy to remember

I think maybe that's why the Star Spangled Banner never became really popular

No one could ever remember the words! There you are, Godfrey

- Would you fix me a Bloody Angelica, please? - Very well, madame

And Godfrey, easy on the mustard

- How about the vodka? - Oh, there you may run amuck

Please come and fly

away with me

What do you think of him?

I wouldn't like to meet him on a dark street

- He's trained to kill - Congratulations, miss

Heel, boy! Heel!

Down Down, Rasputin

Please tell me why anyone would want a thing like that?

For protection I no longer intend to live in constant terror

from threats that have been made upon my life

From now on, anyone who attacks me will have Rasputin to deal with

Mother, you can't put it off any longer

That girl has gone off her scooter I'm warning you

You think I'd be afraid of that?

Lay one hand on me and he'll be at your throat

Girls, girls! This rug has just come back from the cleaners

Play something, Vincent, the way they do

to avoid a panic when the theater's on fire

Lovely

You are so lovely

Lovely My lovely as can be

I must say, I think that's very rude of you

I'm sorry, Vincent That I don't have to stand for!

Well, I Go home Go home, you

They just have no ear for music, those Oh

Hello, dear Did you have a nice day at the office? - Hi, Dad

- I need a drink - I'll fix it for you, sir

I see the whole family's all together in one ro-room

I'll take advantage of that and discuss a few family matters,

- if you don't mind, Vincent - Not at all

You're not going to bring up sordid business matters

I certainly am

I've been going over last month's bills

It's bad enough when the government takes 90% of what I make,

but when my family spends another 40%

I don't see why you want to give the government more than your own family

- Money, money, money! - You see? You're upsetting Vincent

I don't care I want you all to know I've been losing a lot of money lately

- Maybe you just left it in your other suit - What other suit?

- That went long ago - If things are that low, Dad,

- why don't we try cutting down on the help? - Oh, no, you don't!

If we all pitched in, I'm sure we could get along with just Molly

So help me, I'll sic him on you, and don't think I won't!

Strange as it may seem, Cordelia's come up with a concrete suggestion

Maybe we could get along with fewer servants

Alexander, how can you say

Darling!

You're upsetting Irene Oh, darling

We mustn't try to come between Irene and Godfrey

He's the only thing she's shown any affection for since her spaniel died last summer

- Are you sick, dear? - I don't know

- I just have these awful stabbing pains - Oh, baby!

If you don't mind, I've already seen this performance

Vincent, play something

- Play something gay to cheer her up - I will not

- Shall I send for a doctor? - No It'll pass

- I'll just lie here I'll - have my dinner in my room

- Get rid of that animal - Oh, no!

Oh, yes! He didn't even have the decency to let Vincent sing

Smart dog He can stay

- I wonder what he meant by that? - Oh, Godfrey Ooh

Mother, why don't you and Vincent have dinner?

I'll just lie here for a moment until I feel better

- I don't like to leave you alone - Godfrey will stay with me

- Won't you, Godfrey? - Yes That's a splendid idea

Sit down beside her so she can look at you and touch you

Vincent, you come with me Take heart, darling

- Godfrey? - Yes, miss?

- How many are having dinner? - Just two

- Vincent and who else? - Mrs Bullock

Lucky I only cooked for 15 Hey, you're bleeding

It's only a scratch

- He went that-a-way - How do you know who I'm looking for?

It was tough, but I finally figured it

Godfrey?

Godfrey! I need some fresh towels in my bathroom

- Young lady, you're in my room - Sure Where else?

It's funny The first day you came, you were sitting on my bed

- Now I'm sitting on yours - I will overlook that startling coincidence

I'm afraid you must leave

- What do you want that open for? - I'll put this as delicately as I can

Hasn't your mother explained to you that some things are proper and some are not?

No You have to be wayward to get any attention from Mother

- I had nothing as drastic as that in mind - Now you're making fun of me

On the contrary, I'd like to be serious for a moment I wish you would

Miss Irene, it seems to me

that you don't have much of a life of your own

Haven't there ever been any young men you've been interested in?

- Don't worry I've tried that rat race - You've tried it?

Sure I've necked in cars

I even got engaged a whole lot for a while

But it always got kind of grimy and depressing

The necking? Why?

We never could find anything to talk about, just sit there

Then my father would get worried that it was gonna fall through,

and he'd offer to set whoever it was up in business

And whoever it was would run like crazy

Which only gave Cordelia another chance to be really funny and sarcastic

I finally said, "Who needs it?" - Who needs love?

Who needs Cordelia knocking herself out at my expense?

Miss Irene, if I may, I'd like to tell you a little story

about a very sentimental young lady with a very kind heart

who helped a man who was very grateful

But then she threatened to undo all the fine work she'd done

Godfrey, you made up a story about me

I didn't make it up Evidently you didn't hear the end

This young lady who'd done all these nice things was now doing other things

that might ruin all the nice things she'd done before

- Like what? - Like kissing the butler for one thing

- And coming into his room for another - You don't want me in your room?

I'm your butler, Miss Irene I'm not your host

Well! Of all the "unhospitality "

You beast!

You unfeeling beast!

It looks like goose liver

Pate de foie I love it!

I recommend the smoked salmon There's a dash of vodka on it

Thanks I'll try it

- Mr Pepper! - Yes, Mrs Bullock?

I don't believe you've met any of our wayward girls, Mr Pepper

I think wayward girls are everyone's responsibility

Miss Irene?

Let me introduce you

His is Betty, and this is Elizabeth, and that's Lizzie

No, you're Betty, and that's It really doesn't matter They're all three Elizabeths

We call them different names so we won't get confused

I see

It's going to take all our support to get them back onto their feet

- We'd be delighted to support them - I have an opening in my office

Godfrey? Godfrey!

Watch the girls carefully whenever they go near the silver

There you are! I've been looking all over for you

Now, Miss Irene?

Thank you No

Later perhaps

Godfrey isn't buying, so the whole act is lost

I found out exactly the dress she was going to wear, and I had it copied

Then I walked up to their table and said to the girl

I considered it an insult to her that they sold me the same dress

And that I would take it right off She would just have to say the word

- Did she? - No, but he did

- And? - And so I took it off!

In front of everybody?

Of course The prince and I have been close friends since

That reminds me of the story about the man who wanted to be invited to a nudist club dinner

He finally made it When he arrived, there were clothes

piled on the chairs in the hall

- A poker-faced butler helped our friend - That's funny Excuse me

- So you know Francesca - Who, miss?

Francesca Gray The ex-Mrs Stratton, the former Mrs Delahaye,

the widowed Mrs Hendricks, et cetera, et cetera The name's not familiar to me

Come now, Godfrey You looked like a cornered rabbit when you saw her

- Rabbit, miss? - I just couldn't believe it!

You know Godfrey?

We've known each other for years

Forgive me, madame I didn't recognize you You've changed your hair

I had the great pleasure of working for Madame Gray and her husband

many years ago on the Riviera at Cannes, was it not?

That's right

- How is your husband, madame? - Which one?

- Any one - What are you doing here?

- But what are you doing here? - I'm the butler, madame

The butler? Strange you never gave Madame Gray as a reference

- Francesca, are you enjoying yourself? - Very much

What do you find amusing at this party?

Him Godfrey?

It seems Godfrey and Francesca are old friends

Oh, isn't that wonderful?

Godfrey's always been very mysterious about his past We know nothing about him

Irene, did you know Godfrey and Francesca used to be quite close?

I'd hardly say close Godfrey was Francesca's butler

Did you find him satisfactory?

Satisfactory barely describes the way I found him

- Why did you let him go? - Why did you let him go?

- I left on my own account - That's right I just remember

One day Godfrey came to me and said, "I trust you have found my work satisfactory "

And that was that Wasn't it, Godfrey?

Those may not have been my exact words, but as you say, that was definitely that

We've established that was that What happened next?

I did what any well-trained employer would do!

I said, "Godfrey, if you feel that your wife and five children "

need you more than we do, good luck "

Five children! It is five, isn't it?

Somewhere about that number Would you excuse me?

Why didn't you tell me you had five children?

I'm sorry, miss

It's nothing to make a fuss about

If that woman in South America can have five children, why can't Godfrey?

Listen, everybody! I want to make an announcement

I want to announce my engagement 'cause I'm gonna get married

- You're engaged? You're gonna be married? - Yes, I am

- To whom? - You'll find out soon enough

- Not to Hubert! - Yes, yes Where is he?

He's in there Hubert! Hubert!

- Where's Hubert? - You're being paged, Hubert

- Congratulations, old man! - What are you talking about?

- Your engagement to Irene - My engagement?

- Oh, Hubert, I'm so happy - Someone just said I'm engaged to marry you

- Well, you are! And shut up about it! - Hubert, my boy!

You're always such a shock at first Bless you

- Cordelia - No, Hubert That's my mother!

- I can hear all right It's my eyes - Godfrey!

Champagne for everyone on the house

You don't know, do you, Godfrey? Irene's got herself engaged to Hubert

He thinks I look like Cordelia Play something appropriate like the Wedding March

Miss Irene, I wish you all the happiness in the world

- When can I see you? - Tomorrow is my afternoon off

- Can you meet me around 5:00 at the Sirocco? - I'll be there

- Well, go on! - Here comes the bride

All dressed in white

And that's the groom

Right by her side

Here comes the bride All dressed in white

Your coat, sir

Thank you, sir

Hello, darling

Please forgive me but it's so hard to make beds when they're full of people

Now you know There was a time

when you didn't get out of bed until 5:00 in the afternoon

Now I find getting up at the crack of dawn the most invigorating experience Waiter

No, darling This is my party

Don't you realize we servants are the new financial aristocracy of America?

Room and board and $250 a month

Two French vermouths with a dash of cassis and soda on the side

Yes, sir

- That is right, isn't it? - They were wonderful memories

Pleasant things are hard to forget

Now, tell me all about yourself

Are you married again, and how many times since I saw you?

That's an impertinent question

Anyway, no one is interested in my marriages anymore Not even me

Now, what about you?

Well, four children were all right

But when the fifth one arrived, there were just too many people in one crowded room

Come on There's not very much to tell

You know the Bullocks They're a little crazy,

but we knew plenty of people in Europe who were just as crazy as they are

Actually, I've grown quite fond of the Bullocks So you find it only natural

to make up their beds, shine their shoes and put out their cat

Their cat happens to be a great big bloodhound

Come on

Don't change the subject Why are you playing the butler?

I'm not sure I want to tell you that

I saw Bert McCord in London

He said the last he heard from you, you were working on a Danish freighter

That's true I wonder how he found out

What happened between you and Bert?

You never wrote, and you used to be such good friends

I had a lot of good friends in London but, you know,

wearing a raincoat and carrying an umbrella for ten years

doesn't make you into an Englishman, even if you do go to Oxford

When the war started, my father was still with the Austrian Embassy in London

Naturally we were given our walking papers and went home

I was drafted I flew bombers

I might have bombed London It so happened I didn't, but I might have done

Somehow I never felt like going back there since

Why didn't you stay in Austria?

There was nothing to stay there for

My family and all my friends just weren't there anymore

So, I drifted around Europe for a while and then I decided

to burn my bridges and get a breath of fresh sea air

And then you got too much fresh air on your freighter,

and you decided to jump ship and stay in America

That's right I was only joking

I wasn't It's true I did I jumped ship I don't believe it

I fell in love with the Statue of Liberty

Do you realize what will happen to you when they catch up with you?

You'll be deported You know that It's a chance I'll have to take

I like it here very much Don't you?

How could I complain?

- Well, here's my luck added to yours - Bless you

- Will you do me a big favor? - Sure Anything at all

that has no money connected with it

Go around the corner, telephone this place and ask for Francesca Gray

When you get her on the wire, keep her there Francesca Gray?

- What am I supposed to talk about? - You'll think of something

Francesca Gray!

- Well, hello, Francesca! - Hello, Cordelia

How nice to see you I'm not intrud Well!

I didn't know you were entertaining our butler

But I'm not

He is entertaining me

Really? I always wondered what butlers do with their time off

- Now you know, don't you? - I hate to intrude on your day off,

but this morning I noticed my green dress still hanging in the closet

- Why didn't you get it off to the cleaners? - Why, Godfrey!

You never had any trouble getting my dresses off to the cleaners

I don't know what could have come over me

Telephone call for Miss Francesca Gray

- Telephone for you, dear - Has to be Elliott

I could be in the bottom of the ocean and

Elliott would find me and put in a call for me

Elliott? He's got $50 million, which would be all right

if he wouldn't always chew his cigar to a pulp!

Do you mind if I sit down?

I feel on my afternoon off I should have the privilege of choosing my friends

I naturally assumed that since you didn't mind having a drink with your ex-employer

Madame Gray, besides being my ex-employer, also happens to be an old friend

Oh? And which two husbands were you fitted in between?

- You mind if I tell you something? - Please do

As someone you met in a bar or as your butler?

- Choose your own weapons - Thank you

You fall into that unfortunate category that I would describe as the Park Avenue brat

A spoiled child brought up in ease and luxury, and always given her own way

As a matter of fact, you really shouldn't be allowed out in public

until someone has taught you the basic rules of good taste and good manners

You're going to regret this

- Waiter? - Check please - Yes, sir

- There you are, sir - Oh, thank you, sir

What? Oh, no!

It wasn't Elliott at all It was some character

He wanted me to come and see his collection of shrunken heads

Shrunken heads?

- Probably a distant cousin of your employer - Thank you, sir

Did you get rid of her?

She was suddenly taken with an acute attack of embarrassment

and had to leave - Good What do we do now?

Let's go somewhere and spend all of my salary

Wonderful!

But let's go through the back I'm sure Elliott's Rolls Royce is in front

I don't mind being followed by men, but Rolls Royces always embarrass me

- Sounds like love - At his age, it's hard to know what it is

- He hasn't come back yet, has he? - Not yet

Would you mind putting these flowers in his room?

- I can't go in there anymore - I can't either

- Did he kick you out too? - Yep

- What does the man want out of life? - He told me one time

What? Peace and quiet

Oh

Well

- Is this his shirt? - Yes

- Do you always sew his buttons on? - Sometimes

He doesn't lose very many

He's very tidy, isn't he?

Whoa, a drunken young lady named Lou

Had a "parkhouse" on Pent Avenue

but her willpower was weak and her yacht sprung a leak

Da, da, da, da, da Wouldn't you-o

No caviar for you for three days

Ladies

You better get some wood for the living room fireplace

I should be diluted deleted You should be "de-loaded "

Right Parkhouse on Pent Avenue

- I think I'd better help him - I will too

Upstairs he's yours, downstairs he's mine

I think it's terrible the way some men treat their families

There's a story here about a man who drowned his wife in the bathtub

Maybe it was the only way he could get her to take a bath

Since you have an answer for everything, tell us, what are we gonna do with you?

Why do you always pick on Vincent? Pick on someone else

May I please finish reading my newspaper?

It isn't Vincent's fault you're in a bad mood

- What's the matter, darling? - You wouldn't understand

I don't know why you always say that

You and Cordelia think just because I've only been married once

I don't know anything about life!

- Godfrey, what's happened to your tails? - Did you cut them off?

Sorry, madame, I didn't have time to change I apologize

No need to apologize

That's very becoming to you Thank you, madame

If I may say so, you seem to look younger every day if I "say may so "

Well, you certainly may!

And thank you very much!

Don't you have anything to say to me?

- To you, Miss Irene? - Yes

As Mr Vincent's song so aptly expresses it,

Lovely, lovely You are

Pardon me

Oh, isn't he sweet?

If you ask me, he's drunk

Must a man be drunk just because he pays us a compliment?

Aren't we ever going to eat around here again?

You sounded just like Vincent then!

- Oh, dear - What's that?

I hope it wasn't the big yellow vase with the fawns frolicking on it

No, madame, it was the green one with the cupids capering on it

- Oh -Thank you, Godfrey

One does what one can, sir

The green one The one the Shepperton's gave us last Christmas

I always meant to thank them for it It's too late now

32 Georgia Street, Elmhurst You have that?

And please hurry

Lovely, lovely

Lovely

- You're sure you took it off in your room? - I'm quite sure

She takes off something here, something there

Nobody asked you, young lady

If you're going to be rude to my daughter, remove the cigar from your mouth

We're all upset by this, Lieutenant

- Who's that? - Is he your son?

Listen I've been blamed for a lot of things, but

Who are you?

No relation whatsoever

No need to suspect Molly She's been with us forever

No, ma'am, it just seems that way sometimes

- Who else lives in this house? - There's Godfrey

- Who's Godfrey? - He is the best butler we have ever had!

I'm sure Godfrey didn't take it Of course we don't know much about him

Godfrey wouldn't touch that bracelet of yours with a fork!

What do you mean you don't know much about him?

We didn't get him from an employment agency and he didn't have references

We've never been able to find out who he is or where he came from

You're on the wrong track

It's silly to think of Godfrey wearing a diamond bracelet

Just the same, we'd like to talk to him Where is he?

- He's very ill and he's in his room! - He's loaded

- I'll show you the way, gentlemen - Oh, no!

- Godfrey, get rid of it! - That's his room

Throw it out the window They're after you I won't let them get you

- Come in, everybody - Godfrey, I'm terribly sorry

I don't believe in breaking into anybody's room

This is Lieutenant O'Connor and he wants to ask some questions

Delighted to meet you

What do you know about this diamond bracelet?

- Nothing! He's never even heard of it - Nothing

- I told you - I told you too - What's your name?

His name is Godfrey Godfrey His middle initial is "G" which stands for Godfrey too

- Where're you from? - Don't answer that

- I asked you a question Are you English? - No, I'm not

- Are you Canadian? - Suppose he is? Is that a crime?

Of course not We have to check up on him Where did you work before?

Where did you work before, the Spanish Inquisition?

Irene, will you keep quiet and let these men finish?

No, I will not!

- Godfrey, do you mind if we search your room? - He certainly does mind

- Don't you dare let them search your room - I insist you search my room

- Why? - Excuse me

You don't mind if I go on looking at the fights, do you?

Go right ahead

Pardon me, please

A right to the head A left to the midsection and another right

And a left And another right to the midsection

And left to the head and a right to the Ooh!

He never did have a chance

What do you mean? I had ten bucks on that boy

- Have you retired from the force, Grogan? - No, sir

Don't be so sure Now, go on

Oh, pardon me, sir

- Well, it's not here - Fine, I knew it wouldn't be

- I'd like to apologize - Why don't you look under the mattress?

- It's not there either! - Of course! That's just the place I'd pick

Pardon me Excuse me

- Nope! - But it has to be there!

- Why? - Cordelia, what are you trying to pull?

I'd like to speak to you gentlemen outside I'm terribly sorry, Godfrey

We're all terribly sorry Come along, Cordelia

It's perfectly all right, madame It's a pleasure

I'll be right back I just want to see what Dad's gonna do to Cordelia

Looking under people's mattresses!

Boys, I want to apologize for my family

That's all right We can see what you're up against

I'd like to send you a little check for your pension fund

That's very nice

Don't worry about the butler We'll check up on him and let you know Fine

Oh, by the way, I had $200 on that boy who got knocked out tonight

- What have you got to say? - Aren't they gonna do anything more about it?

No, and it's a good thing for you they're not

There's something I want to tell you

If you don't find your bracelet, the joke's on you because it's not insured

Ah, poor Cordelia lost her bracelets

Do you know I ran into Godfrey and Francesca having cocktails at the Sirocco?

They were having quite a time

- That's a lie! - You call me a liar?

I'll call you anything I please You'd better

stay away from me, or I'll sic that dog on you!

Go on! Just touch me! He'll tear you to pieces!

Harder

Why you!

Stop it! Get off of me!

Rasputin!

- Leave him out of this! - Don't you dare! You shut up!

- Rasputin, will you - Oh!

- I'm gonna knock your teeth out - No, you're not!

Rasputin, will you do something?

- You stop that! - I will not! I'll knock your teeth out

Rasputin, do

Come in

- Will you get another glass, Godfrey? - I beg your pardon, sir?

I want you to have a drink with me

- I hope we're still on speaking terms - Of course, sir

Tell me, Godfrey, is everything all right with you?

Oh, yes, thank you, sir I had a cold shower and I feel much better, sir

No, I didn't mean that

Those detectives told me they were going to check up on you

If there's anything I can do to help, just let me know

That's very kind, sir, but I shall be all right

Just wanted you to know

Pull up a chair, sit down

You've been with us for quite a while now

Why do you stay on? I have to You don't

I thought perhaps in some small way I might make life easier for you all

You've done that

I've been sitting here wondering if Cordelia has any idea

of the downright viciousness of what she tried to do tonight

You see, I've been so preoccupied with my business

that the girls were grown up before I knew it

I wonder how old that excuse is?

You mustn't blame yourself, sir

And the funny thing, or maybe it isn't funny,

is after all the years I've devoted to my business, I'm gonna lose that too

Not really, sir?

I'm not telling you anything the whole country won't know next week

Surely there must be something you can do

If there is, I haven't thought of it

How much would it take? Oh, half a million

You've been to the banks, of course?

Most of the time banks won't let you have any money unless you can prove you don't need it

Well, I didn't want to burden you with my problems

I just wanted to apologize again for what happened tonight

Don't let it get you down! Something'll turn up

I'm sure it will, sir

Good night, sir

Good night, Godfrey

That is an awful lot of money you are talking about

Yes, it's an awful lot

Do you really think you can get me out of bed at this hour in the morning

and make the slightest sense about anything?

Maybe things would look brighter if you took those glasses off

After a sleepless night, men go to the steam room and women wear dark glasses

It's not that I can't get that money for you

Elliott is on the boards of more banks than you can name

But you just have to approach him the right way

It wouldn't amount to much, but I'm willing to put up property I have in Austria

- Why not throw in your title? - He's welcome to it

Darling, there's only one thing Elliott doesn't have, and that's me

If my neck wouldn't hurt, I'd turn around and show you his Rolls Royce following us

- Well, is he there? - Yes, right behind us

Poor darling He has such a time keeping up with me

Driver, please slow down I don't want to upset Elliott

You really have grown very fond of that family, haven't you?

- Sort of - All of them?

Some of them

I'll see what I can do

Look, I'm not going to let you marry somebody just to help me out

Darling, no one lets a woman marry anyone, or even talks her into it

I had made up my mind weeks ago to marry Elliott

There is no law which says I can't do what I want to do

and also benefit by it

Of course, I still might sue you for damages for getting me up at this hour

That Rolls Royce definitely cramps my style

- How am I ever gonna thank you? - No undying gratitude please

All right Stop when you get around the corner, will you?

I have to go back and polish the silver

If you ever want another job, Elliott has loads of silver

Thank you, and not only for that

Good-bye Good luck

Good-bye

May I be the first to congratulate you, Mr Elliott?

- Oh, you're home Good - Something you want, Miss Irene?

No I just missed you

- I always miss you when you're not home - That's very sweet of you

I had some things to do today, and when I got home you weren't here

What things did you have to do?

Had my toenails lacquered and then I had to sell Rasputin Took a terrible loss

But I didn't really 'cause the man who bought him didn't know he wouldn't bite anybody

- Can I help you? - Oh, please don't

I like to help you I wish we could do everything together

That would be fine as long as I don't have to have my toenails lacquered

Oh, Godfrey, you have a wonderful sense of humor I wish I had a sense of humor

I never can think of anything to say until everybody's gone home

Miss Irene there's something I want to tell you

- What? - First, I want you to know how grateful I am

- For what? - For everything you've done for me

And then there's something that probably may upset you, but I'm going to tell you

- What? - I think it's time I was moving on

- You're going back to them - Back to whom?

- To that wife and children - You didn't really believe that, did you?

- Francesca said it - She- was just making it up

- Was she really? - Absolutely

Then where are you going?

To Francesca, that's it You're in love with Francesca

I'm not in love with Francesca I'm moving on

because I want to improve myself

I am your protege, and you do want me to improve, don't you?

Yes

You don't want me to be just a butler all my life

I want you to be anything you wanna be

When are you leaving? Probably pretty soon

I wanted you to be the first to know because

well, we've always trusted each other, haven't we?

Yes, we have

Well!

If we simply must have kidneys, can't we put them through the meat grinder

and make them into some shape so they wouldn't look so,

- you know, exactly like what they are? - If you'd like, madame

I think it's depressing to eat the insides of animals

Or are we that hard up?

- Alexander, I asked you a question - The answer is yes, we are

No, thank you

Look at the poor child I don't wonder she doesn't eat

Don't be surprised if I never eat again

I will be surprised I hope you don't think I consider that normal behavior

Maybe her stomach is upset

Will you leave her alone? Vincent will eat for both

You know Vincent has to eat to keep up his strength for his concert

He could give a bang-up concert right now with a knife and fork

Why do you always pick on Vincent?

Why don't you pick on someone else?

Telephone for you, Mr Bullock A Mr Elliott

- Who? - Mr James P Elliott

James P Elliott?

Yes? Yes, Mr Elliott

Oh, no, you're not disturbing me at all Uh you mean that?

Well, no, I just couldn't believe it that Well, yes

Yes, I'll be in your office at 9:00 tomorrow morning

Thank you very much I I beg your pardon?

Who?

Why, yes, he's right here Godfrey, Mr Elliott wants to speak to you

- Sir? - James P Elliott

- To me, sir? - That's what he said

- Could you? - Thank you

Yes?

I'm delighted to hear that, sir May I wish you all the best

Oh, that was nothing No, really, nothing

Oh, you're very kind I beg your pardon?

That's my first name

Oh, thank you And good luck to you too, James

Would you like to speak to Mr Bullock again?

I'll tell him Good-bye, Jim

Wh-What did Jim, uh Mr Elliott want you to tell me?

You were not to worry The loan is as good as yours Oh, excuse me

He told me you were responsible for his decision Is that true?

Only in a very roundabout way, sir

I just wanted to repay you for everything you've done for me

We've done nothing! Oh, you accepted me at face value, sir

- That's a very rare thing - Why shouldn't we have accepted you?

You're such a gentleman We've learned a lot from you

- I've learned a lot from you, madame - From me?

- From my wife? - Oh, yes, sir

From Mrs Bullock I've learned there's a great deal of satisfaction

to be derived from helping other people

See, Godfrey has something nice to say about Vincent

No, dear I think he was referring to your wayward girls

Oh, them!

Well, it goes to show that Godfrey has something nice to say about everyone

That's why we're all so fond of him, aren't we?

What else have we taught you?

From you, sir, I've learned patience and sincerity

Patience? Why, thank you, Godfrey

And from you, Miss Cordelia

Maybe it would be kinder to skip me

Oh, no, miss I've learned a lot from you

One thing I probably needed very badly humility

And from you I've also learned the foolishness of arrogance

and the folly of dishonesty

This is yours, isn't it?

Why, it's Cordelia's bracelet! Oh, you did steal it

I think perhaps Miss Cordelia would like to explain

What is all this?

I put it under the mattress myself

Thank you, miss I hoped you'd say that

- Why? Why would you - Oh, never mind!

And now, if I may, I'd like to say a word to Miss Irene

You don't have to say anything I know you're going away

- You're what? - I was about to explain

- You're going away? - Yes, Miss Cordelia, to Europe

Oh, no But this isn't the season for Europe Why don't you

Why don't you wait until summer? We could all go together

I can't wait that long, madame I have personal reasons

- But you're coming back - I shall try very hard, sir

Since I shall be leaving tomorrow morning,

I've taken the liberty of hiring a replacement

You're not gonna serve our last breakfast?

I'm afraid not, madame I shall be leaving before noon

Now, if I may be excused?

I wish someday somebody would be as upset when I leave

Vincent I'd like to have a little talk with you

- Let's take a walk - Vincent hasn't finished eating

I know Neither have I But you don't mind, do you, Vincent?

You know, for some time I have been

What's happened?

Alexander, what did you say to Vincent?

Dear, he left in such a hurry,

I didn't get a chance to say anything except good-bye

Oh, Godfrey, would you get my brown wool dress out of the closet?

I've been to Europe, and I know how cold it gets in the wintertime,

even at the biggest hotels, let alone the small ones where we're going to stay

I even thought of bringing along an electric blanket,

because those outlets in Europe have funny holes

Did you say "we"?

Wouldn't it be a good idea if we took smaller suitcases

so we could leave the larger ones at a central location and

If you have any idea that you're going with me

Oh, no?

I can go anywhere I want to and with anyone I want to!

Sit down and listen to me

I will not sit down and I'm sick of listening to you

For one moment

Talk, talk, talk! All I ever get from you is a lot of talk!

I'm not that stupid You can't treat me like a teenager who needs a talking-to

- I'm grown-up - Why don't you act grown-up?

Go on, get mad Lose your temper

- Do you know what's the matter with you? - Shut up!

Sit down!

Listen to me It's absolutely impossible for you to come with me

That has nothing whatever to do with whether or not I want you to come with me

- That's always a handy excuse - I'm not trying to make excuses

I haven't told you before, but the night you found me I'd jumped ship

I have nothing I have no passport, no visa, nothing

A very small matter

We've got a man downtown who gets us all the passports and visas we need

He only charges about $5 apiece I'm sure he won't charge you any more

He wouldn't if I was an American, but I'm not

Don't you understand? I'm in this country illegally

If the immigration people find out, I shall be deported

I would never be able to come back

I won't let them deport you I'll hide you

- You'll get in trouble - I don't mind being in trouble if you are

Miss Irene, I know you want to help me

But you won't let me help you!

Nobody will let me help them because they say I only make matters worse

Is that really true?

Sometimes it is, yes

But I just want so much to be loved

That's what everybody wants

Then why don't people try to love people more?

Maybe they don't know how to do that

I think it's only because they won't take the time

They're so busy doing other things like Mother and Dad are

Well, I'm not busy doing anything I want to give you all my love

I wish I could accept it

I know I'm not as attractive as Cordelia

My nose is too small and I'm too little

and I know I talk an awful lot

And I have a funny kind of a voice

I think you're a very wonderful girl

- Will you do something for me? - Of course I will

Will you be quiet now and let me go and not try to hold me

and not ask any more questions?

And don't tell anybody about what we've said

Good-bye, Miss Irene

And I wish you all the happiness

Good-bye, Godfrey

I've never heard of such a thing

The butler telling the family he works for

they have to be dressed and downstairs for breakfast by 9:00

And the family doing it!

Godfrey never made us get up at any particular hour

It's not going to kill this family to act like normal, healthy people for a while

You side with the butler against your own flesh and blood?

Maybe you'll change your mind when I tell you for the two days he's been here,

every time I open my mouth to say any little thing

Farnsworth turns and looks at me as if I were crazy

Farnsworth?

I've decided to have breakfast in bed tomorrow morning

And don't come up until I have buzzed you twice

There You see the way he looked at me?

- Mr Bullock? - Yes?

There are two gentlemen to see you One of them is that detective

- Maybe they have news of Vincent! - If they have,

so help me, I'll never pay another cent of taxes!

Good

He turned himself in, and they're shipping him out on a Dutch freighter

He was crazy about it here Why would he give himself up?

He told the immigration inspector he shouldn't accept

the hospitality of our country while he was breaking one of our laws

Irene, did you know about this?

Why didn't you say something?

He made me promise And nothing could make me break a promise to Godfrey!

Surely there's something that I could do

I could vouch for him, guarantee him a job, or post a bond or something

Unfortunately, although he carries an Austrian passport,

he was born in Romania and that quota has been filled for years ahead

Thank you, Mr Bullock This was a routine check

We wanted to account for all his time while he was here

That means Godfrey won't be able to come back

Oh, I doubt it

Isn't there a law that if one should marry an American citizen

Yes We had a case of a young man from Czechoslovakia

who was trying to get a non-quota visa Did he?

Yes We had suspicions that the marriage wasn't on the level

Once they got down to the city hall and set up housekeeping,

it would be pretty hard to prove

Then if Godfrey could find an American girl who was willing to marry him,

he could return to this country Sure, but it's a little late for that, isn't it?

Well, he

Irene? Irene!

Irene!

Have you seen my daughter? I don't work here anymore

- Pull over, lady - I've got no time for you now

- Will you pull over? - Will you get lost?

Quiet!

The old man wasn't going to wait much longer

- This all your luggage, sir? - That's all, yes

Take that down to number seven

Here are his papers Thank you

- Well, good luck - Thank you for everything

Sorry everything didn't work out for you, but we don't make the laws Good-bye

- Ready? - Yes, sir

Ready?

Godfrey, you come back here

Where did you think you were going?

- Godfrey, listen - Bye, Irene

Godfrey, I'm going to marry you

- Let me see your license - Oh, go away

Godfrey, all you have to do is marry me and they'll give you one of those

one of those non-somethings or other

Non-quota visa

- Did you know that? - Yes

- Then why are you leaving me? - Because

- I want to see your driver's license - Will you go away?

Godfrey, don't you want to marry me?

I do! But I don't want people to say that I married

I don't want people to say I married you so I could stay in America!

I don't care what people say

I don't care why or how, but just so long as you do

I'll come back

When will you come back? As soon as I can I promise

All right, where's your license?

- And the registration slip - What'd I do wrong?

Not much You went 90 in a 25-mile zone, the wrong way on a one-way street,

skipped three traffic signals and hit a mailbox

I can't see very well

All right, they're here Why'd you let him get away?

What'd you want me to do, swim after him?

There's a tug goes out and picks up the harbor pilot from that boat

- A tugboat, where? - Pier nine

Oh, we'd never make it

I've got a siren And this time you follow me

Come in

The Captain would like to have a word with you

Young man, do you know your Bible?

The Bible Uh

It says, "And if a man entice a maid that is not betrothed, and lie with her "

he shall surely endow her to be his wife "

Exodus, Chapter 22 Correct me if I'm wrong

- I'm sure you're right - Good heavens, man!

I was young once I've had my fling

You can't get a girl into trouble, and then run out on her

You just can't do that! Especially when she's as pretty as that one

You mean she's here? The pilot boat brought her

- She told you - The whole story

Now, if she weren't an orphan I might have sent her back to her parents,

but that girl had a tough time

I started as a cabin boy I know what it is to wash dishes for a living

You look like a decent man, and she seems to be an honest girl

I don't think you'll be making a mistake

- Where is she now? - Right outside

I told her I'd be glad to marry you as soon as we're out of American waters

And I'm telling you the champagne's on me What do you say?

- Can I speak to her alone? - Why, of course

But remember, be nice to her

She didn't come after you because she was desperate She really loves you

Miss Bullock

Come inside and shut the door

Now what is all this about you being an orphan and washing dishes

and anything else you made up about us?

I didn't make up anything It's all true

You see, Godfrey, when you left, I had to leave too, so I really am an orphan now

Remember when I told you if you were in trouble, I wanted to be in trouble too?

And if you can't find a job, I don't care

I'll wash dishes or something

When did the Captain say we'd be out of American waters?

About two hours Do you think you can wait that long?