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Good evening, people of
the Northampton audience,

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

and welcome to "James Acaster:
Hecklers Welcome."

Before we begin,
here are the house rules.

Yes!

Show 'em how we do it!

This is how we do it!

Thank you so much, Northampton.

That felt incredible.

James Acaster here,
reporting for the best

evening of his life--

of his professional
life, absolutely.

First of all, though,
so you get some context,

I'm going to tell you about the
worst gig of my entire career.

Happened in the early days.

I was baby-faced as hell.

Before I even got to the mic
stand, a drunk lady heckled me.

Goes, oi!

Does your mother know
you're up this late?

Hey, mate, mate!

Does your mother know
you're up this late?

I said, mate, mate, mate, mate!

Hey, mate!

Does your mother know
you're up this late?

Anyway, this is the
story about how once,

in order to shut up
a heckler, I claimed

that my mother was dead.

I looked at this
lady, and I said,

yeah, my mum's dead, actually.

And then I followed
it up--some

people have said
unnecessarily--with,

really recently as well.

Because I didn't want
her heckling me again.

Wanted to make sure that
whatever I said to this woman,

she'd be silent for
the rest of my time

onstage, which she
was, by the way,

along with the rest of the
audience, who felt absolutely

devoed for the kid
onstage trying to do

stand-up comedy despite having
recently buried his own mother.

I had no idea why
I'd done that, man.

I came offstage
thinking, that was nuts.

What were you thinking?

What was that about?

I've only figured it out
in recent years--

yeah, I thought so.

Look, sometimes it's, uh,
just more reassuring to just

fuck it straight out the gate.

At least that wasn't
my fault, you know.

I was heckled by the
microphone today.

It's called "Hecklers Welcome,"
and the same

goes for the tech team.

If they want to
punk me, they can.

They absolutely did me a treat.

And actually, may I say as
well, bravo to all of you

during that, because we
all--we all heard it.

From the moment--

from the moment I
started talking,

everyone was like,
that mic's broke.

That mic doesn't work.

He's filming this.

And all of you absolutely
just homed in on what I

was saying and were
like, we're gonna--

we're here for you, man.

Every time we think we should
laugh, we're going to laugh,

even though this is
unpleasant on the ears.

Best gig I've ever had
happened last year in the back

of a taxicab in London.

Going home late at night,
the cabbie turns to me.

Says, James, I've been a cabbie
in London for decades now,

but I've decided I'm
going to move to Norfolk.

I want to be
nearer my daughter.

I was like, man, that's
a beautiful story.

But you do realize, if you
want to be a cabbie in Norfolk,

they make you do a really
strict series of exams.

You've got to memorize all
the routes around Norfolk.

Every street name,
every road name,

you've got to have it
in there, ready to go.

Says, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's called the Norwich.

Now, listen, don't worry if
you didn't get that joke.

Most people don't
get that joke.

It's what is known
as not a good joke.

Do it all the way--

the whole tour, I've done it.

Uh, rarely goes down well.

Pretty much goes down the worst
out of all the material every

single night, consistently.

But I tell you it
because I've never

had a joke go down as
well as when I told

that joke to that cab driver.

It was tailor-made
for that guy.

He laughed so much, it
was definitely dangerous.

He kept remembering
it on the way home,

laughing again and repeating
"the Norwich" out loud.

Said he was gonna tell all
the boys at the depot my joke,

and he told me I was funny.

Happened to me
last year, but it's

the first time
in my entire life

where I've actually
thought to myself,

I think I could be
a stand-up comedian.

Now, in order to tell you about
the best gig I've ever seen,

I have to tell you
about the second-best

gig I've ever seen--

David Byrne doing "American
Utopia" live on Broadway.

Amazing music,
obviously, choreography.

Did a very nice speech
at the end about how

important it is to vote.

Then this big old
curtain came down

and all the lights came on
in this beautiful

Broadway theater.

I was second row,
and in front of me,

a couple instantly stood
up--middle-aged hipsters,

I'd say, white hipsters.

And they turned and they
regarded the whole audience.

No one else had
even stood up yet.

And they looked at
each other and went--

Vote! Vote! Vote! Vote!

Vote! Vote! Vote! Vote!

Vote! Vote!
Vote! Vote!

And, like, not one person
joined in with those people,

and that is the best
gig I've ever seen.

David Byrne, number two.

Those stupid fucking
idiots, number one.

And I was front row for that,
second row for David Byrne.

Come on, Kermit!

Come on, Kermit?

Oh, man.

Why did I wear this?

You absolutely did me.

I can't believe it.

I thought this looked cool.

But you're right, I do
look like Kermit the Frog.

And you absolutely
took your shot.

I'm toast.

Do you have any
idea how it feels

to be toast with a cameraman
right fucking there?

This guy stood right as
close to the stage as he can,

during the lowest
moment of my life.

I just got called Kermit.

Kermit the--do you
know who Kermit is?

He's green.

He's green frog.

I'm wearing green.

And he can pick up all
the sorrow in my eyes.

It's going better than
when that woman shouted,

"Does your mother know
you're up this late?" to me.

I haven't pretended any of
my parents are dead yet.

That's the bar for me.

Did I pretend a
relative was dead?

No?
Well, then it's a success.

Honestly, man, I didn't know
why I'd said to that audience

on that night.

I thought it was nuts.

And I'm only realizing in
recent years why I did it.

I think we've all reflected
on ourselves a lot

in recent years.

In the lockdowns, we all
learnt a lot about ourselves,

and what I learnt
about myself was--

and don't let this
get in your head

or ruin the show for you in
any way, it's absolutely fine.

But what I learnt about
myself during lockdown was,

um, I don't like
doing stand-up comedy.

And that's not
weird, by the way.

It's not weird to not enjoy
doing stand-up comedy.

Like, you know the reason why
none of you do stand-up comedy?

Same.

I agree with you.
You're right.

Just took me 16 years
to figure it out.

Over 16 years ago,
I was about to do

my first-ever gig, a little
room above a pub in Kettering.

I'm about to go onstage, and
the barman sidled up to me

and said, oi, mate, here's
a bit of trivia for you

before you do your first show.

Excitement and
nervousness, they're

actually the same emotion,
chemically, in your body.

Just depends if you're
a positive person

or a negative person,
how you choose

to interpret that emotion.

Now, looking around the
room, you've all correctly

identified that as a lie.

I wasn't so lucky.

I was like, thank you,
wise barman.

That's handy.

And for the last 16-plus
years, I've been beside

the stage most nights
of the year going,

I-I'm excited.

I'm doing what I love!

So many times over
the years, people

have told me I'm brave
for doing stand-up comedy.

Oh, you're so brave.

I couldn't do what you do.

You're so brave.

Throw the compliment back in
their face every single time.

I'm not brave!
What are you talking about?

I'm way too excited
to be brave, mate.

But now that I
realize how scared

I am every single evening,
I'm here to tell you,

I'm brave as hell.

Don't care.

Don't care if that
sounds arrogant.

I'm really brave
doing this job.

Look, I'm not saying I'm
like a fireman or a soldier

or anything, but a lifeguard?

Sure.

I'm easily as brave
as a lifeguard.

Uh, a swimming pool
lifeguard, not a beach one.

Not a beach one.

In 2019, I did the biggest tour
of my career, rooms this size

off my own name for
the very first time,

90% of the year on the road.

That was the dream when I
started in that little room

above a pub in Kettering.

But four nights out of five,
I'd walk out onto the stage

doing my routine, into my
tightly scripted material,

and before I even got
to the first punchline,

someone way up
in the gods who I

couldn't even see
would interrupt

me by saying something like--

I told you I'd do it.
You said I wouldn't do it.

I told you I'd do it.

And every time
that happened, I'd

single out that individual in
front of the entire audience.

I'd come back with
something witty

like, um, like, uh, shut the
fuck up, or never fucking come

and see me again.

That's funny.

Or the golden classic,
go fuck yourself.

That's a fine response, if
you're an edgy comedian,

if you're, like, Frankie Boyle,
and that suits your persona.

But if you're walking
onstage like,

I've started eating
apricots recently.

Choke on shit,
you fucking cunt!

I hope you fucking die!

It's quite the tonal shift.

No one ever enjoyed that.

It makes it very hard to
segue into your material

about starting your own
honey business once you've

said that sort of stuff.

I'd yell at them if
they were too noisy.

I'd yell at them if they
were too quiet as well.

Nothing was good enough for me.

If I saw one person
looking bored--

which, side note, my fault--

I'd destroy them.

The rest of the audience could
be laughing their heads off,

every single person.

If I saw one person
watching me like this--

which, by the way, that's
how I watch everything.

That's me watching
the funniest comedian

I've ever seen in my life.

Nish is good.

I think I've laughed out loud
as part of an audience twice

my entire life, both
times in the cinema,

so it weren't even live.

I laughed when Jack Black
kicked the dog off the bridge,

and I laughed when Mini
Me humped the laser.

They're the two times that
this sophisticated fella

has laughed with other people.

And I'm bollocking you nightly.

I'm not alone, though.

Most comics don't deal
with it very well if you

don't laugh at their jokes.

Nine times out of
10, we'll blame you.

We'll go on the offensive.

The comedian will say something
like, oh, I'm sorry, guys.

Oh, did I cross the line?

Oh, are my radical thoughts too
much for your puny

snowflake brains?

They'll never be like,
oh, I'm sorry, guys.

Was that underwritten
and poorly performed?

I saw a comedian recently
go, oh, I'm sorry, guys.

Oh, getting offended
early, are we?

Well, let me explain
something to you about comedy.

Comedy always comes

from a place of love, OK?

It never comes from
a place of hate.

And I was at the
back of the room

like, well, I wouldn't
be so sure about that.

Well, I for one know that I'm
going to go home and write

a routine about this.

And coming from no place of
love, I'll tell you that much.

Hate that comedian.
Hope they're dead.

I do.

I hope them and their
entire fan base die soon.

That's what I hope.

I hope that happens.

I hope they fall down
a manhole, all of them,

same manhole, one
after the other.

I hope they're out doing
a conga celebrating

their free speech,
and they tumble down

an open manhole like a slinky.

I hope that happens, and they
complain all the way down

that they're being silenced,
and then they splatter into one

another like a domino effect.

I hope that happens.
That's funny to me.

I think that's funny.

That's comedy.
That's comedy.

No, I know I'm
stood up here having

a go at comedians, like
there's no such thing

as a bad audience.

Of course there is.

I've been a member
of bad audiences.

Worst audience I've ever
been in, I was 13 years old.

School assembly.

But it was more of a missed
booking than anything.

For reasons still
unknown to me,

they'd got a yoga
instructor to come in

and talk to us
about the benefits

of regularly practicing yoga.

I don't know if
you've ever been 13.

You're the most supple
person on the planet.

The only thing you respect
less than stretching

is anyone who appears
vaguely religious.

Absolutely tore this
prick to ribbons.

As soon as he
walked onstage, we

identified he was physically
strong, but mentally weak.

The most pathetic
thing, to this day,

I've ever heard anyone say to
their audience is this yoga

instructor going,
please, children,

if you don't stop screaming,
I can't tell you my secrets.

Still makes me smile.

I love it.

So sad.

I can't tell you my secrets.

These aren't secrets, old man!

These aren't secrets.

You're a random white
guy from Kettering.

Everything you know about yoga
is in the public domain, Derek.

It was a shame, though.

I used to love it when people
came in from outside of school

to talk to us.

Those were my favorite days.

When I was five,
my grandmother came

into my primary school
class to give a talk

about the spinning wheel.

And that's not normal
where I'm from, either.

And I've got no answers
to your questions.

I'm sorry, I don't--

I don't know why it happened.

I was five.
I just accepted it.

Everything was happening
to me for the first time.

Then I grew up and
realized it was weird,

but by then she
had passed away.

I couldn't ask her
why it had happened.

So I asked my parents
and they said, we weren't

aware that had happened.

Took it to the grave.

Nothing but respect
for that woman.

She brought in this big
old wooden spinning wheel

from home, and she
put it in front of us.

There's like 35
five-year-olds sat

on the floor in front of her.

She's on a stool.

I can't remember what
the talk was exactly.

It was something along the
lines of, I fucking love this.

Oh, I remember how
she ended her set.

At the end of her
set, she goes,

who wants to come up here, have
a go on the spinning wheel?

As soon as she said
that, all I wanted

to do for the rest of
my natural-born life

was spin wool in
front of an audience.

It's just burning deep
within my heart, that desire.

Put my hand up.

This is one of those
stories, let's face it,

I don't have to end this story.

You know how this story ends.

You know what happens
next, at least.

You know she didn't pick me.

Of course not.

She picked three
other kids, and I

did the classy thing and burst
into loud, unignorable tears.

I went berserk, in floods.

In floods.

She panicked.

Um, OK, yeah, I think we've
got time for one more.

Come on up here, James, even
though I see you every Sunday,

and you've never once shown an
interest in the spinning wheel.

And I'm staggering over my
classmates, just still at a 10,

raining down tears on them.

And my body had
gone all floppy,

like, with emotion, I guess.

So I couldn't stand
at the spinning wheel

like the other kids had done
and use the pedal with dignity.

Instead, my grandmother's
operating the pedal,

and she sits me on her knee.

I'm just lolloping
around, one hand

holding the wool here,
just open-eye crying

at all of my classmates.

And, like, for way too long.

She didn't have to spin that
much wool, in my opinion.

We're not selling it.

Slow down, Nan.
What's--

And that,
it's important to note,

was my first time ever
in front of an audience.

And when I told my
therapist that story,

he was like, uh-huh.

Yeah, that's why, James.

That's why everything.

That's why absolutely
everything about you.

He goes, James, this
story is very important,

what you've just told me.

You've got to bear it in mind.

You've got to remember,
every time you're

onstage in front
of an audience,

it's not just you up there.

That little boy is
up there as well,

and you've got to
protect that boy.

Which, uh, I'd say is like,
um, harder than what I

was doing in the first place.

Like, stand-up comedy is
already pretty difficult.

Now I've got to protect a
boy every time I'm up here?

No wonder I was coming out with
my guard up night after night.

Someone heckles me--
he's just a boy!

Leave the boy alone!

Get behind me, boy.

I'll protect you.

I've got to protect that boy,
man, through the ages as well.

I've got to protect that
five-year-old boy sat

at the spinning wheel, sure.

But I've also got to protect
the six-year-old boy who's

looking in his
parents' bedroom mirror

and practicing his Prince
Charles impression.

That kid needs a
lot of protecting.

The most cringe moment
of my entire life, and I

was the only person
there for it.

It was bad, man.

Sat on the bed.

I closed the door.

I'm looking in the mirror.

For context, I'd entered
the school talent show

and said I could do
impressions, when

I couldn't do impressions.

I was six.
So I was a liar.

So what?

I didn't know that
no six-year-old ever

has done a good impression.

I don't know--none
of you know a six--

none of you know a
six-year-old who's good at--

none of you know a six-year-old
who's like, come over.

Have you met John's kid?

He does an amazing McConaughey.

Listen to this kid.

All right,
all right, all right.

Whoo!

Yeah, that kid's good.

Oh, they love you
in Northampton.

You've never gotten applause
all tour, little kid.

Do you want to do--do
you want to do some more

McConaughey for them?

The kid's great.

You're killing!

Do you want to do--you want
to do one more before you go?

Do "True Detective."

Do "True Detective"
McConaughey.

Time is a flat circle.

That's--that's dark from a
little kid, but well done.

They didn't like
that one as much.

That was too dark, actually.

The "Wall Street" stuff
was fun, but time is

a flat circle is a bit much.

Time is a flat circle.

James.

Hello, Jilly.

Hello, how are you?

Can you take the mic?

Yeah, OK.

I'll take the mic, and we're
going to switch the clip now.

Ah.

What other McConaughey
films are there?

Oh, I'll tell you what I'll
do for "Dallas Buyers Club."

I'll do his Oscar
acceptance speech,

because I remember that because
he won the Oscar for it.

And it was this
acceptance speech

I think about all the time.

When I was
a kid, this guy I knew

said to me, who's your hero?

Who--who's your hero?

And I said, myself
in 10 years' time.

Then 10 years later,
I saw that man again.

And he said to me, you--
are you your hero yet?

And I said, hell, no.

He said, right.

Well, now who's your hero?

And I thought about it.

And I said, myself
in 10 years' time.

And I will always be my
own hero in 10 years' time.

And I thank you for this
award, and I thank the Academy.

Thank you very much.

Hello--this is it.

Here we go.

This is--I'm six years
old, and this is verbatim

what I did on the day.

I remember it,
seared into my mind

because it was so embarrassing.

Hello, my
name is Prince Charles.

Now, I know it's
been a long build-up,

but I'm going to put
a pause in there.

We're, um--we're halfway
through the impression.

And I only put a pause in
because there's absolutely

no way that any of you
will be able to guess

where it goes next, so.

Hello, my
name is Prince Charles.

That's the cat.

And that is how long my career
as an impressionist lasted.

You are correct in thinking
that the very next morning, I

marched straight into
school, and I said

the familiar catchphrase,
hello, Mrs. Weaver,

I'd like to pull out of
the school talent show, please.

Why?
Because I'm not talented.

Because I don't have a talent.

That was my main takeaway.

I hadn't even been onstage yet
in my life

and done a proper gig.

I'm not talented.

So if you've ever seen me
over the years at a gig--

and some of you will
have, statistically,

would have seen me at a gig
that's going quite well.

And then out of nowhere, and
you don't even understand it

as an audience member,
I start telling

you the gig's going shit.

Oh, this gig's shit,
this is a shit gig.

Just know it's nothing
to do with you.

All I've seen most nights, when
I look out into the audience,

is my own six-year-old
face looking back at me

in the mirror
going, that doesn't

sound like Prince Charles.

Why is there a cat in this?

Well, they're
famously a dog family.

They like corgis.
They like cor--

Could have been worse.

Could have been worse?

Could have been Prince
Andrew in the '90s.

Huh?

Could have been Prince
Andrew in the '90s.

And applause for a pedophile.

Would you--I mean,
what's your name,

the person who heckled that?

- Danny.
- Danny.

Yes, made-up name.

Um, Danny, can you, uh,
do an impression

of Prince Andrew
in the '90s, please?

It's not wise.

It's not wise?

That should have been what
he said in the '90s, maybe.

That would have been good.

That would have saved
us all a lot of trouble.

I've got to protect
the eight-year-old

boy, who apropos of
nothing entered the family

dog into a dog show.

I didn't know I was even
going to go to a dog show

when I woke up that morning.

We're walking in the
woods, whole family,

and we come out to
this big open field.

Amateur dog show going
on, out of nowhere.

I didn't know that
was going to happen.

People sitting on picnic
blankets watching it.

As soon as I sat
down in the grass,

all I wanted to do for the
rest of my natural-born life

was enter and win
amateur dog shows.

Deep within my heart,
it's all I wanted to do.

Now, I did have a dog
with me at the time,

but she was not what I would
refer to as competition-ready.

It's a miniature sausage
dog, very much the runt

of the litter as well.

When we originally got her
from this lady's house,

there was loads of healthy
miniature sausage dog puppies

running around.

And then there was one that was
more miniature than the rest

of them, had a curved spine,
a tail that went directly

upwards like a dodgem, and ears
that came out like handlebars.

And we all agreed,
as a family, we

had to take that
one home with us,

or we'd worry about her
for the rest of our lives.

Now, for years my dad had been
saying no to getting a dog,

but we'd worn him down.

He'd gone, OK,
fine, you can have

a dog, under one condition.

I'm the oldest of three.
We're primary school kids.

We think this
condition is going

to involve learning
some responsibility,

something like that.

We've got to tidy up after
it, feed it every day.

Instead, this 40-year-old
man goes, OK, you can have

a dog under one condition--

I get to name it.

You know when you
realize your parents

are just little kids as well?

He just wanted to name a doggy.
That's adorable.

And he named it what a little
kid would have named it.

He named a miniature
sausage dog Minney.

That's cute, but I
don't think he needed

to grab the wheel on this one.

We're three primary
school kids.

Our first three suggestions
were Mini, Sausage, and Dog.

You don't need to get
involved in this, David.

Stand easy.

And he could tell we
weren't impressed.

And he goes, well, it's
not spelt how you think.

How's it spelt, then, champ?

M-I-N-N-E-Y.

And my mum asked him why
it was spelt that way.

And at the time he was a
secondary school teacher.

He goes, oh, because 10
years ago I taught this boy,

and his name was
Stephen Minney.

And that's how his
name was spelt.

I remember being confused
but angry at the same time.

I wasn't thinking any
of the darker thoughts

that some of you are
currently thinking.

I mean, the Prince
Andrew hecklers put

certain things in your head.

Don't get me--I'm sure as
soon as we left the room,

my mum was like,
right, who's this boy

and why does he
mean so much to you?

That--that conversation
was definitely had.

But we were just like,
our dad's weird, isn't he?

We got a weird dad.

But here's the thing.

I'm 39 now.

I'm almost as old
as he was, and I'm

concerned I'm turning into
him, because now I agree

with him that that's funny.

I think it's objectively
funny, face-value funny,

if your kids want
a dog, to name

that dog after some completely
different kid who they've

never met in their
lives, they've

got no frame of reference for.

And as a result
of him doing that,

every day of that dog's life,
I thought about Stephen Minney.

Me, my brother, and sister
would talk about Stephen Minney

all the time, long
conversations speculating what

he might be up to as an adult.

Do you think Stephen Minney
still lives in the borough?

How do you think Stephen
Minney earns a crust?

I found out what happened
to Stephen Minney

when I was 10 years old.

I'd joined the Cub
Scouts, and twist

of all twists, Stephen Minney
was my Cub Scout leader.

It's pure coincidence.

I know that Kettering is a
small town, but that's wild.

But here's the thing.

I didn't know that Stephen
Minney was my Cub Scout leader,

because--and if you've
ever been involved

in Cub Scouts you'll
already know this,

but Cub Scout leaders don't
go by their actual names.

Instead, they call themselves--
and if you've not ever

been involved in Cub
Scouts, heads up,

this will sound bananas--

they call themselves
names of characters

from "The Jungle Book."

I'm just going to let
you get used to living

in a world where that's true.

It's a true story.

They call themselves,
like, Bagheera, Akela.

You know, better names for
dogs than Stephen Minney.

That's what they
all call themselves.

And then they made us
call them that as well.

As a little kid, I had to go up
and, like, look at a grown man

and be like, hello, Baloo,
how was your weekend?

Like, yeah, good, thank you.

Now do this Illuminati
sign with your hands

and tell me how much
you love the Queen.

I promise to do my best--

to do my--that's what
they--they made me

recite that as a 10-year-old.

Every week, I had
to say, I promise

to do my best,
to do my duty to God

and to the Queen.

And if I didn't say
it, I was not permitted

to play with a foam football.

I had no idea--

That Shere Khan was
Stephen Minney--

Until one day, my dad came to
pick me up from Cub Scouts,

and he starts chatting
to Shere Khan.

I'm in the car.

I'm waiting for them to
wrap it up in the corridor.

Half an hour I'm
waiting for them.

All the other Cub
Scouts had gone home,

all the other Cub Scout
leaders, King Louis

and that lot, they'd gone.

When my dad's driving
me home later,

he goes, do you know
who that was, who

I was chatting to back there?

Yeah, Dad.

His name's Shere Khan.

I see him every week.

I know him better than you do.

No.

That was Stephen Minney.

The Stephen Minney?
Are you joking?

That's not funny if
you've made that up, Dad.

That's the man we named the
sausage dog after back there?

Are you for serious?

Are you for serious right now?

Yep.

That's the Stephen Minney, who
we named the sausage dog after.

And what he didn't
then tell me was,

obviously, don't tell
Stephen Minney that.

Because grown-ups
don't get as excited

as children when random
people name dogs after them.

I was buzzing all week.

I couldn't wait to see Stephen
Minney on Tuesday night.

I'm rubbing it in my
brother and sister's faces.

Yeah, he goes by
Shere Khan these days.

I know him pretty well.

Tuesday night rolls around.

I'm straight in that
scout hut, ignoring

all my other mates saying hello
to me, straight up to him.

Your name is Stephen Minney.

M-I-N-N-E-Y.

We named our
sausage dog after you,

Stephen Minney.

She's a little runt.

My father has never
forgotten you.

No, when we wanted a dog, he
said, under one condition only.

You must name it after
Stephen Minney, the boy

that I taught 10 years ago.

M-I-N-N-E-Y.

I think about you every day.

My sister likes
to think you found

love in the arms of another.

Sat in the grass and
watching the dog show.

And Stephen Minney, the sausage
dog, is right here next to me.

I say to my parents, Mum, Dad,
can I enter Stephen Minney

into the dog show, please?

I'd like to.

And they said yes, because
it was free to enter,

and they did not care.

I remember going up to the
sign-up sheet on this desk,

and most of the categories
were based on appearance.

Now, this dog is
beautiful to us,

but I knew these industry
heads weren't going to get it.

So I found a more
whimsical category,

Dog with the Waggiest Tail.

Stephen Minney's always
wagging her tail at home.

10 to the dozen, we've
definitely got this in the bag.

This is another one of those
stories, let's face it,

I don't have to end this story.

You know how this story ends.

You know that it doesn't
end with the phrase,

and then we won the dog show.

You know what happens next.

There's four adults onstage
with their dogs

going absolutely haywire.

Then I'm stood there with what
may as well be a taxidermy dog,

giving me precious little,
while grown-ups on picnic

blankets point me out to their
mates and laugh with abandon,

just properly going for it.

Then did what by
now was my calling

card--burst into tears.

It's what I was known for.

You've got to give the
people what they want.

You think McCartney
doesn't do "Blackbird?"

Come on.

I was always bursting
into tears, man.

I burst into tears at
the spinning wheel.

I burst into tears
at the dog show.

I burst into tears when I
found out Jesus were dead.

The big three, as it's
known in my house.

Finding out Jesus were
dead still to this day

is the most I've ever cried.

It was--it was--

it was ugly, man.

I found out when I was four.

I'd been raised
Christian since day one,

but no one had told
me the twist yet.

All I knew was
that I had a best

friend who loved me very much.

Life was pretty sweet
for James Acaster.

Four years old, I rock up
to church on Easter Sunday.

I'm excited, man.

This is where I do
all my socializing.

I haven't been to school yet.

I still think it's
cool to be Christian.

I'm turning up at
the cool church

where all the cool
kids hang out.

Easter Sunday, and everyone's
celebrating more than usual.

The place is jumping.

I'm like, praise be.

This is why we come to church.

What are we celebrating?

Something awesome, by
the looks of things.

Every song that the rock
band played--because it

was that sort of church--

every song this rock
band played went--

went like, something along
the lines of, he's dead.

He died.

I'm sat there, four
years old, just

like, they better not
be talking about who

I think they're talking about.

In my memory, my tears
came out horizontally.

Like, propelled me backwards
out of the congregation,

like "Everything
Everywhere All at Once."

Oh, that was--that was dicey.

I've never done that move
with a mic lead before.

I felt it.

I was like, oh,
Jesus, save me now.

Suddenly I'm back on side.

I'm back on side.

If you're there, I'm sorry
I did this routine all tour.

Please save me.

I remember hitting the back
wall and dropping to my knees,

just crying, just convulsing on
the floor, just crying so hard.

And then some fucking
old man walked past me.

He's like, oh,
James, are you OK?

Why are you crying, mate?

Jesus is dead!

- Oh, Jesus--
- Spoilers!

Jesus died.
Huh?

Spoilers?

Well, you won't believe what
happens next in the story.

Don't want to spoil
anything for you,

but I think it's based
on the "Matrix" trilogy.

I mean, they got the idea
from the "Matrix" trilogy.

Spoilers.

I wish he had said spoilers.

He didn't.

Instead, he said, oh, don't
worry, he died for you.

Sorry, uh, how am
I involved in this?

What are you talking about?

Why did he die for me?

Why did Jesus die?

Oh, just because of all the
bad things you've ever thought,

said, and done.

Yep, that's why they
publicly executed him.

Do you know what
the crucifixion is?

I'll explain it to you, James.

You're four years
old, and not my child.

I'll explain to you, in
Mel Gibson-level detail,

what being crucified is like.

Happy Easter.

So, look, if you're
watching this show,

and you're thinking a lot
of these stories seem very

low-stakes, I don't get why
this grown man has attached

so much guilt and
shame onto a bunch

of essentially trivial tales--

please bear in mind
that when I was four,

I got my best friend
killed by the Romans.

I'll tell a quick positive
story about that church

for any Chrizzos that are in.

In that church, when
I was seven years old,

that church is where I did
my actual first-ever gig,

my first-ever performance in
front of an audience proper.

It was a comedy
sketch, surprise,

surprise, me and my dad.

My dad wrote it, and
no way around this,

cast himself in
the role of God.

Fun fact, that's the only thing
I've ever told my therapist

that made him laugh out loud.

When I told my therapist about
that dog show, he did not say--

and I want to make
this clear, that he's

a very good therapist--
he did not say,

well, James, what you
got to bear in mind

is, every time you're onstage
in front of an audience,

it's not just you up there.

You've got a little sausage
dog up there as well.

He didn't say that,
but I'm pretty

sure that is how I feel every
single night, regardless.

I think every time I'm
up here, I'm protecting

a boy the whole time.

And then right here, there's
a little sausage dog just

giving me absolutely nothing.

And when I have a go at
you lot for not laughing,

really what I'm saying is,
wag your tail, Stephen

Minney, please!

Please wag your
tail, Stephen Minney!

We look silly.

We look silly, Stephen Minney.

Stephen Minney,
we look so silly.

That's when I'm most ashamed
after gigs, over the years,

whenever I've had
a go at an audience

for not laughing at me enough.

It's cringe, the amount
of times I've done it.

It's--it's embarrassing, man.

Worst time I've ever bollocked
an audience for being too quiet

was when I was booked to
read a Roald Dahl story

to some preschool children.

And there's a number of reasons
for why what happened happened.

It's 2018.

I've been booked to read
"George's Marvelous Medicine"

to these kids,
and that book changed my life.

When I was a little kid,
my mum read me

"George's Marvelous Medicine"
for the first time.

It was my introduction
to comedy.

I didn't know the world
could be funny before that.

You'll remember
whatever your thing

was that made you love comedy.

It was that book.
I was laughing so hard.

I didn't know this
feeling existed.

So in 2018, when I'm on
my way to Roald Dahl Day,

I do have the rather
unrealistic expectations

in my head of, well, I presume
I'm going to change these kids'

lives today, which
looking back is

100% how that yoga instructor
felt on his way to my school.

So I deserve everything
that I get in this story.

Secondly, it was a very special
day, September the 18th,

which is the official Roald
Dahl Day, if you're wondering.

I know most of you know that.

And they had booked out
Cardiff Castle for the day.

Every single room
of the castle,

there was going to
be a different person

reading a different Roald
Dahl book to the kids.

Sounds nice.

But in practice
what it meant was

I'm stood there in a turret,
reading

"George's Marvelous Medicine"
to abject silence.

And all I can hear
the whole time

is Floella Benjamin
having a much better gig

in the banquet hall beneath
me, just knocking out

"Charlie and the
Chocolate Factory"

to rolling laughter
and applause.

I'm on a stool.

There's, like, 35 kids sat
on the floor in front of me.

If you've been paying
attention to the show,

I shouldn't have to tell you
why that's triggering for me.

I'm selling the heck
out of this book.

And then George fed his
grandmother the medicine,

and she grew so tall she
smashed through the ceiling!

All of them just--

just sausage-dogging
it the whole time.

All I can hear is--

What do you get when
you guzzle down sweets?

From down there.

But the moment
when I snapped--

When I had to do
an impression--

and I don't know if that's got
anything to do with it--

Of the grandmother.

Now, if you need a refresher on
"George's Marvelous Medicine,"

she's had the medicine.

She grew so tall, she
smashed through the ceiling.

Now she's carried on going, and
she smashed through the roof,

and now she's, like,
stuck in the roof,

which, I don't want to be
a dick, but that's funny.

I know not everyone's been
merked by their grandmother

like I have, but
that is funny when

that happens to an old person.

That is funny,
stuck in the roof.

Would you like a
heckle from up here?

Would I like
one from up there?

I tell you what, I
would like the most

polite person in the world
to do it, absolutely.

I would love a
heckle from up there.

What's your name?

- Uh, Stuart.
- Stuart.

Hello, Stuart.

That's a lovely--very
nice formal introduction

to the heckle.

I love it so much.

Go for it, Stuart.
Do your heckle.

I need a bit
of time to think.

Oh, absolutely, yes.

I appreciate that, yes.

You should think
about it for a bit.

Um--

that

is a fully rounded persona.

We can't all see him, but we
all know what he looks like.

James, would you like
a heckle from up here?

Instantly funny.

And it's very hard, just
so you know, to come

up with a funny opening line.

That is very difficult.
It was funny.

It was original.

It established who he is.

And then when I
said his name, he

was like, I'll just go with--
I'm just going to--

I'm not going to
try and milk it.

Stuart.

I know what I've
got up my sleeve.

What's your heckle?

Can I have a few minutes
to think about it?

That is objectively funny.

Would you like a
heckle from down here?

Would I like a
heckle from down here?

You've already got imitators.

This is how good you are.

Do you have any idea
how long it takes?

Most comedians, it
takes us over a decade

before we start to see
the imitators come out

of the woodwork, and we
start to see our influence

on the world of comedy.

Your first joke ever, and you
got a copycat on the front row.

George--and
this is the grandmother.

Here we go.

This is the grandmother.

I'm reading to the kids.

And this is the
moment that I snapped.

George,
you putrid little worm!

You revolting little boy!

Get me out of
here this instant!

And then the next words
out my mouth were,

are you enjoying this or what?

To preschool children.

That's how insecure I am.

What, I thought they were going
to rock up to preschool

Monday morning--

hey, what did you do
for Roald Dahl Day?

Oh, I--I saw that
James Acaster.

Don't bother.

Here's the worst part--

that was the first of
six groups of children

I had to read to that day.

Spoiler alert--had
a go at all of them.

Final group, I got right
to the end of the chapter

without making any comments.

As I'm closing the book, this
far from being home free,

I looked at one kid on
his own on the front row

and said, at a talking
volume, silence again.

Brilliant.

But that's him for
the rest of his life.

That's that kid forever.

He's going to grow
up, become an adult,

sit down in a comedy show.

The comedian will tell a joke.

It won't get very much.

Oh, no, silence is bad.

Uh, Kermit!

Round and round we all go.

No one ever gets any better.

No one learns.

Just passing the
pain around, man.

Because look, that's
what I've got to remember

as well, when I'm up here.

Look, priority number one, I've
got to protect the boy, sure.

But it would be ignorant of
me if I didn't acknowledge

the fact that you've
all got your younger

selves with you as well.

They're all here.

They're all sat in your laps.

Some of you are
protecting them.

Some of you are not
protecting them.

That's why every
comedy show you've

ever been to, emotionally
speaking, is a fucking mess.

Every gig, I'm a baby
in charge of a creche.

I'm Tommy Pickles.

That's all this is.

I'm Tommy Pickles trying
not to be Angelica,

every gig I've ever done.

Because for every kid who
cried at a spinning wheel,

there are 35 kids who had
to sit there and watch

a kid cry at a spinning wheel.

You think that didn't
affect them in some way?

They're going to grow up,
sit down in an audience,

and go, why do I immediately
feel nervous for the performer?

Why is that?

Oh, I hope he spins good wool--

I mean, tells good jokes.

What the hell?

Did that just come
out of my mouth?

And look, all the stories
I've told you tonight

I've thought about over
and over in my head,

especially during
the lockdowns.

I think all of us,
in the lockdowns,

reflected a lot on our jobs and
our relationship with our work.

I'm not going to
make out we had

exactly the same experience.

I'm loaded to fuck.

I think it's important
to acknowledge that.

No, because listen, I'm sick
and tired of celebrities--

which I am, and will
be till the day I die--

being the authority
on lockdowns.

They're the main
people we've heard

from about what the lockdowns
were like, is celebrities.

And sometimes the
worst is when they make

out they learnt a
profound lesson that

we could all benefit from.

Like, oh, yeah, not a
lot of people say this,

but the lockdowns were
really good for me.

Before lockdowns,
I was a workaholic.

I was burning the candle
at both ends, no mistake.

Then lockdown
came along, and it

forced me to pump the brakes.

For the first time in my
life, I'm taking a step back.

I'm surveying the scene.

I'm like, come, come, now.

Is this how I want
to conduct myself?

Do I want to keep doing this
job, working with these people?

Is this what I
want for my career?

So what I'd say to anyone
listening to this is,

hey, you don't have
to work all the time.

Stop filling in your
diaries with work.

Just pump the brakes,
take a step back.

And you, too, will realize
you already make enough money

from your food podcast.

Lockdowns one, two, and three
were the best days of my life.

I hope we have
another lockdown,

and I hope it lasts forever.

Every evening, I was
relaxed for the first time

in over a decade,
because I wasn't putting

my body through this madness.

I was doing better
in the daytimes

as well, looking after myself.

Started doing yoga.

Where has that
been all my life?

They keep those things a
secret from you in school.

Pop that on the curriculum,
please, Blunkett.

I was locked down with my
girlfriend as well, a.k.a.

my favorite person, so
that was a piece of piss.

Very well-suited to each other.

I know that when you say you're
well-suited to your partner,

there's going to be some
skeptics in the room.

Fair enough.

Quick story to illustrate
how well-suited we are.

You know me.

You know this half of
the equation already.

All you need to
know about her is

that once she went
to get her hair

colored at the hairdressers.

And for reference
so that she got

the right color
that she wanted,

she brought along
a photo of a horse.

So that's who
we're dealing with.

I'm head over heels.

It wasn't just a photo
of a horse, either.

I asked to see it
because I wanted to see

if they got the color right.

She showed it to me.
It was a meme of a horse.

A horse meme.

You know, a horse meme.

It was a picture of a horse
with a long, luxurious mane.

And then the meme said,
maybe she's barn with it,

maybe it's neigh-belline.

You know, neigh, like
when a horse talks.

She showed that
to a professional.

Yes, I'd like to look
like I'm barn with it,

if that's possible.

Much obliged.

Ladies!

I wasn't there
when it happened,

but I'm pretty sure everyone
who saw that went, bet she

goes out with James Acaster.

It was when the
lockdowns opened up again

that I noticed all
my anxiety and stress

coming back in full force.

I was on the train from
London to Kettering,

and my carriage got taken
over by a small gang

of teenage boys.

And if we could
all just be adults

and not pretend that that's not
terrifying, that'd be great.

Do you know what I mean?

They kicked off immediately.

They're gunning up
and down the carriage,

up and down the aisle, pushing
each other into the rest of us.

They're throwing stuff.

They're shouting and swearing
at the top of their voice.

At one point, the leader jumped
to the head of the carriage,

pulled a full bottle of
Coke out of his pocket,

and just, head height
to the rest of us,

without lining it
up, just went, wham!

Like that.

Just sent it down.

It rebounded off of a
window--boom, boom!

Nearly took a grown
man's eyes out.

And this guy, probably about
40, responded by going--

Just pretended it
hadn't happened,

exactly how he used to
deal with the bullies

when he was in school.

That's what happened
to all of us.

As soon as these
kids kicked off,

we all transformed
into whatever age

we were the first time
someone picked on us.

There was a guy, like a
rich-looking businessman in his

50s, sitting further down the
carriage, everything expensive.

The kids surrounded him.

They started
calling him shitbag,

because he had a shit bag.

And this grown man,
who definitely owned

his own company,
responded to these kids

by going, yeah,
what a shit bag.

Am I right, fellas?

What kind of a loser
would own a bag this shit?

We were watching, like,
have some dignity, man.

You're bullying your
own bag with the kids.

You've got people
on the payroll.

At one point, all the
kids got their textbooks

out from school, and they
start ripping up the pages.

They're balling them up, and
then they have a full-on paper

snowball fight across
the whole carriage,

and we're all in
the crosshairs.

This is textbook
paper, remember.

It's glossy.
It's got hard edges.

At one point, one kid's got
a full-on paper snowball,

and his mate is on the
opposite end of the carriage.

And he throws it with
all the force of getting

his mate all the
way over there,

and he hits a woman
who's sat here.

Right in the face.

We all feel it.

Ugh!

Then another woman, who
didn't know this woman,

stood up and reprimanded
the entire gang.

So I don't know if you've
ever been on public transport

and a gang--

always men.

They could be 13, they
could be in their 60s,

but they've decided
to intimidate

everyone else
because they have not

processed their own shit yet.

Every time that happens,
it always gets to the point

where a lone woman
completely singlehandedly

is forced to confront
the entire gang,

while men like me sit there
going, please let this work.

I can't even look at her
because they'll hit me first.

Please protect this woman.

I'm sorry that I
got your son killed.

Surely that's water under
the bridge by now, big guy.

Come on, protect this woman.

She's like, you should all
be ashamed of yourselves.

And before she got any further,
the leader cut her down.

He shouted her down, said a
bunch of shit that I'm hoping,

because he's 13, he doesn't
understand the full weight of.

But it was fucked.

She sits down in silence.

Rest of the carriage is
sadder than it was before.

Next stop, an old man gets
up to leave the train.

All you need to know
about this old man

is that he was a--he was
bald, bald, no-hair man.

Had no hair on his
head, this man.

So they absolutely
annihilated him.

Whole way down
the aisle, they're

shouting bye-bye,
baldy, unoriginal shit

he's heard a million
times in his life.

And he stepped off
onto the platform,

and instead of
carrying on going,

he just turned
round, looked back

inside the carriage,
furious, eyeballs trembling,

just staring at these kids.

Then the doors
ding-ding to shut,

and as they're
shutting he just goes,

your parents do not love you!

And then it's shut,
and then the train--

Your parents do not love you.

Their parents are dead!

How the hell has no one
heckled that all tour?

The perfect callback.

Lovely to have a heckler in
who appreciates structure.

Also, two things--

I'm gutted that I myself did
not think of that callback.

I've done this show more
times than I care to remember,

and not once has that
occurred to me, even--

even mildly occurred to me.

And secondly, I'm actually
glad that I didn't think of it.

Because otherwise
I'd be furious

right now, if that was my
next line and you had said it.

Maybe one of them very
recently buried their mum.

Maybe one of--one of them
very recently buried their mum.

Yes, absolutely.

It's a brilliant
add-on to the joke.

Structurally, it's sound.

It was too dark, mate.

The way you said it as well.

The delivery of it
was very morbid.

Maybe one of them
very recently buried their mum.

Sent a chill up
everyone's spine.

What the fuck?

I know I said a similar thing.

That's exactly what I said
at the start of the show.

You remembered it verbatim.

It's very impressive.

But my God.

It was suicide for the kids.

I'll take the--
oh, hold on a second.

Uh, that guy has just
gone way too far.

So well done.

Everyone was thinking
that yours was a bit dark,

and then people heard
something that someone just

came up with by themselves.

Um, who's the
person who shouted?

Give me a little wave.
Hello, mate.

How are you.
What's your name?

- Richard.
- Richard.

Richard.

Um, what is wrong
with you, mate?

- Huh?
- How long have you got?

How long have I got?
Do you know what?

I've got as long as I like.

Your parents
do not love you!

- They're dead!
- They're dead.

Yeah, OK.

Let's do it all again.

Everyone remember
what they said.

Yeah, yeah.

Structurally, I
like--I love that.

That's a structural callback.

Uh, it's great to
hear it, absolutely.

You know, I'm annoyed
on two levels.

I'm annoyed that--

First of all, I
didn't think of that.

I've done this show God
knows how many times.

I've never thought
of that punchline.

And secondly, I'm glad that
I didn't do it, because--

because otherwise, I'd be very
annoyed that you've just got

to the punchline before me.

But that's great.

Your par--their
parents were dead.

Just were buried.

Oh, that's dark.

That is too--I mean, I
know that structurally,

that's sound as well.

I said that earlier.

But that was--
that was way too--

and you said it in a voice
that was like--

Maybe they finished
burying their parents recently.

And that was pretty--
that was pretty rough.

But like, you know, well
done, anyway, for trying.

Well done.
Well done.

It was suicide.

Whoa!

Whoa.

I don't know if some
of you heard that.

That was way dark.

You're out--you're
out of the woods now.

That was way darker.

What the hell?

Who said that?

Give me a wave.

Who said that?

What's your name?

- Richard.
- Richard.

What's wrong with you, Richard?

What is wrong with you, mate?

How long you got?

How long I got?

Quite a while.

Quite a while.

I mean, not as long as
I had the first time

you said that, but a
pretty long time, I guess.

And they just carried on
bullying everyone, these kids.

And now it was my turn.

I was sat in the
back row, praying

to God that these kids were
fans of "Would I Lie to You?"

And they surrounded me.

The leader sat in the
row in front of me.

He's got his back to me.

His mate sits opposite him.

They're dead-legging
each other.

They're paying me no mind.

Three of them stand
leaning against the wall

behind me, the back wall.

In my memory, they've got
toothpicks in their mouths.

I know that that's not real.

I know that's
make-believe in my head,

but that's how it felt. But
they were paying me no mind.

The final two kids
stand right here.

One of them's leant
against the luggage.

He's looking up and down the
carriage, paying me no mind.

But one of them,
flush to the seats,

eyeballing me the whole time,
paying me all of his mind.

And I'm sitting there, and I'm
just looking out the window.

I'm pretending like I've got no
idea any of this is happening,

like this is how I ride a
train in the modern day.

I don't sit there and scroll on
my phone like a normal person.

I look out the window like
an Enid Blyton character.

What a splendid day
on the railway!

Is that Cecil?

It's Cecil Armitage,
the rapscallion.

Toodle-oo, Cecil.

We're off to the city.

This kid.

Oi!

Look at him.

Fuck you looking at?

Exceptional work.

I was dancing with
the best of them.

Because here's the thing--

I know the rules of the jungle.

Someone says oi, you
got to acknowledge them.

But if you look at someone,
you're asking for trouble.

My only way out of that would
have been if this kid said oi,

and I'd gone--

Yes?
How may I help you, young chap?

It looks like rain.

I hope you brought
your galoshes.

Is that Montgomery?

It's Montgomery St. Stephens,
the ne'er-do-well.

Toodle-oo, Montgomery!

Merry Christmas
to you and yours.

Oi.

Fuck you looking at?

Oh, you said oi,
so I looked at you.

That's what I said.

The little kid sat at
a spinning wheel again.

Oh, you said oi,
so I looked at you.

You being fucking
cheeky to me, mate?

I'm 36 in this story.

Scientifically
impossible for me to be

cheeky to a 13-year-old boy.

But I didn't say that to him.

I didn't know what
to say to this kid.

I've seen everyone try every
approach with these teenagers.

None of it had worked.

I don't think I would have said
what I said at any other point

in my life, but I was
fresh out of lockdown.

I still had lockdown brain.

I was thinking like I
thought in lockdown.

I'd been talking
a lot in lockdown

about how I wanted to deal with
confrontation, especially when

it came to hecklers at gigs.

I'd been talking about
it loads during therapy

sessions over Zoom that I could
afford any time I felt like it.

So I was like, I'm
going to respond

to this child
like an adult.

I'm going to respond
with honesty.

You being fucking
cheeky to me, mate?

Why are you trying to scare me?

Oh, you're fucking
scared, are you?

Yeah, I am scared.

You're scaring me right now.

When I said, you're scaring me
right now, everything about

him changed.

The whole bravado just
melted away, and he was

just a 13-year-old kid again.

His face was proper
like, what have I become?

Like he's trying to take
it all in, what's gone on.

He starts panicking and looking
at the leader in front of me.

Now he's like a McDonald's
employee searching

for his supervisor,
who's just like,

this wasn't in the manual.

I need your help back here.

This one's saying he's scared.

The leader shot up.

He's looking down at me
over the back of his seat.

Fuck you scared for?

Uh, he said oi, so
I looked at him.

And he said, fuck
you looking at?

And I know that
sounds silly to you,

but I can't deal with that.

Like, I'm anxious at
the best of times.

If a stranger is directly
confrontational to me,

I'm going to freeze up.

And like, you've all been
throwing stuff in people's

faces and shouting people
down and intimidating

the whole carriage.

And now you've
completely surrounded me,

and I think in this
situation there's,

like, fight, flight, or flop,
and I'm flop every time.

I know that about myself.

So this is really
scary right now.

I'm genuinely scared.

And he looked at
me and he went,

right, give him some room.

He's scared.

Back away from him.
Back away.

Give him some space.

What are you
scaring people for?

Whole country's been through
enough for the last two years.

You're scaring
people on the train?

Yeah, yeah, real
proud of yourself.

Get those goddamn toothpicks
out of your mouths!

When I first told that
kid that I was scared,

I remember seeing all the other
adults in the train look at me

as if to say,
well, I guess this

is the first one of us to die.

When they left me alone,
everyone was like, sorry,

I could have said that?

I've been scared
the whole time.

What are you talking about?

You threw a bottle
of Coke at my eyes.

It's fucked up!

The rest of the journey,
they left everyone alone.

Just on their phones, they're
chatting amongst themselves.

We got to their stop
at Wellingborough

and they got off.

They all had to file past me
to get to the door, these kids.

I don't want to boast, but
four out of seven fist bumps.

Pretty good going.
That's pretty good.

It's not as cool when
they're accompanied

by the phrase "sorry we
scared you," but I'll take it.

You were the scariest
of them all, little man.

Home safe.
Home safe.

Look, that story, more than
any other story in this show,

I always want to stress to the
audience that it's 100% true.

Because I'm aware that
it doesn't sound true.

I'm aware that it
sounds like too

neat of a metaphor
for how I'm dealing

with hecklers these days.

And when I say that they all
left me alone as well, that's

the only thing I've ever
told my therapist where

he's been like,
what else you been

lying about over the years?

What's this?

They didn't leave you alone.

But they did.

Everything in that
story, 100% true.

All of it happened.

When the guy shouted, your
parents do not love you,

I actually saw that
on a different train,

and I airdropped
it into this story.

But all of it happened.

It's all true stuff that I saw.

Just so we can all leave
trusting each other,

there is one part of the
show which I did fabricate.

I'll just come
clean now and we can

all leave knowing what's what.

The only part of the
show that wasn't true

is when I told you that Stephen
Minney was my Cub Scout leader.

That's not true.
He wasn't.

He wasn't my Cub Scout leader.

He was my Venture Scout leader.

I was 15.

I didn't want to admit
that to you at the time.

But that is what happened.

And he wasn't
called Shere Khan.

He was called Steve, and I
still didn't put it together.

Uh, but no, thank you.

I appreciate all the heckles.

And listen, when I started
doing this show two years ago,

um, I didn't know what the
result of this experiment

would be.

I basically decided that I was
going to let the audience do

whatever they want,
so that it forced

me to address my own
shortcomings as a comedian.

But I didn't know what would
happen if I told you you could

do whatever you
wanted, and what

I've learnt is you were doing
whatever you wanted anyway.

None of you have behaved
any differently tonight

than you would have if
you'd seen me on a tour

with all the rules intact.

That's what I've learned,
is that some of you,

if you heckled, you would
have heckled anyway.

If you didn't,
you wouldn't have.

I've had every single type
of gig that I normally

have on tour, from
almost abject silence

for the whole two hours,
to laughter wall-to-wall,

to heckling constantly,
to one person

heckling and the whole room
turning on them, to gigs

that verge on violence
and we have to,

like--but that's every
tour I've ever done.

But I'm not trying
to change you guys.

I'm trying to change
my response to you,

and my response to
you used to be bad.

And whatever the situation,
I would tip it over.

So look, if you haven't
enjoyed the show tonight,

please take some
consolation in the fact it

used to be a lot worse.

A lot worse.

Trying to take care of myself
offstage as well as onstage.

That's where you do
most of your work, is--

I went on holiday.

I've tried to take
more time off,

you know, pumping the brakes
and taking a step back.

My girlfriend and
I went on holiday.

We went away for
a week to, uh--

to Disney World in Florida.

Brought the boy
with me, of course.

Like I'm going to put him
onstage in front of you guys

but not take him to Disney?

Come on, I'm not a monster.

And everyone we told we were
going to Disney for a week,

they all responded by
going, what, without kids?

Oh, we're taking kids with us.

I took the boy with me,
she brought the girl along,

and they had a great
time the whole week,

the boy and the girl running
around Disney having a blast.

Because for me--

I'm not going to end the
show by telling you what

makes a good relationship.

We're all different.

It's different for all of us.

But for me, a good relationship
is when you're not just

both getting on with each
other in the here and now,

but simultaneously, every
past version of yourselves

is getting on with
each other as well.

And you don't have to protect
your younger self around them,

because they like
them, they love them,

and they want to
protect them as well.

And look, I know
that bit isn't funny.

I know it's not a
funny bit, but that's

what happens if
you actually write

comedy from a place of love.

It's not funny.

That's the shittest
bit of the show.

Thank you so much
for coming, everyone.

You've been lovely.

I've had a lot of fun.

I'll see you another time.
Thank you.

Good night.