Original subtitles

- Hey, did you pass that math test?

- No.

I didn't even know there was one until yesterday.

- That's 'cause you're never here.

- It's not my fault.

This place isn't giving me enough days here.

- It's not a job, you're supposed to be here

five days a week. - Yeah, whatever.

Dude, Mr. Walsh has it out for me.

He's always telling me

how I don't live up to my full potential

and that I am a slacker.

I mean, me?

- Yeah, he's clearly an asshole.

- Whatever.

- What about you?

You watch more porn than anybody I know.

- Mm, very true, but I don't spend all my time

getting high like Stoney Stonerson over here.

- Aren't you worried about, like, overdoing it a little?

- Mm, what I do is I drink half of this

and then half of this.

One keeps me buzzed, the other keeps me cranked.

- Very clever. - I know, right?

It's genius.

- Should market it, go on "Shark Tank."

- Guys, come on.

- Oh, well, sorry, bro.

We can't all afford the nice things like you can.

- Guys, we're about to graduate.

We don't have any real plans.

I mean, I can't get by on my money forever,

even though my dad just bought me this sweet fucking watch.

- You know, you're right.

This school has been screwing us over for years

and now they're gonna kick us to the curb?

- I mean, guys, let's be honest,

what are we gonna do if we don't get into college?

All right, we're not gonna have any credentials,

don't have any rep.

- What do you mean?

- It means we can't get girls.

Oh.

- Shit.

- We should get that journalism scholarship at college.

- It's worth a shot.

- Worst case scenario, we could just get jobs.

- Telling you, don't even joke about that, all right?

It's way too early for that.

- Let's just take it easy and have a nice day at school.

- Yeah. - All right, yeah.

Looks good.

Oh, my god.

They're just full of it, man.

They're fucking full of it.

- D cups.

- D cups? - I mean, I wish

it was bigger, but... - I like G cups.

- G cups is one way, man... - What do you think?

I like dick.

- I mean, the whole point of this class

was for it to be an easy class.

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

- I mean, look on the bright side,

we get permission to film these girls whenever we want.

- Even freshmen girls?

They're the easiest ones.

What about the dudes, though?

- So how do you tell if a girl smokes weed?

- Puffy eyes.

- Big, strong fingers, from rolling blunts.

- Big fingers? - Mm.

- What if she's high strung all the time,

like hyper all the time?

- Well, if they're hyper, it might be

just 'cause they wanna leave and smoke, you know?

- What if she's fat?

I mean, does that mean she has the munchies all the time?

- I mean, who knows, really?

- I have no idea anymore.

I just don't know.

Let's ask Christy.

- Christy.

- Christy. - Christy.

- Christy, Christy. - Christy, Christy.

Hey, Christy.

- Hey, Christy, can we ask you something?

- Sure.

Do you smoke weed?

- And if so, you got any?

- You guys have nothing else to think about?

- We're just thinking, you know, this day and age,

who smokes weed and who doesn't?

- And do hot girls do it as much as guys?

- I try to focus on my schoolwork and volleyball.

I don't spend my time getting high

with delinquents like you guys.

- I'm sorry, didn't you date a Latin King member?

- That's just a rumor.

Fernando worked at J-Mart.

- J-Mart? Was that his cover?

- I was very happy.

We used to live together.

- Yeah, in the ghetto.

Doesn't he have, like, 30 relatives living in that house?

- It's a little cramped, that's why we bought protection.

- Well, 30 relatives,

you would think they don't wear a condom.

- I was talking about a gun, genius.

- Whoa, you with a gun?

What's this world coming to?

- All right, all right, all right.

Everybody, eyes up here.

First morning announcement,

the broadcast journalism scholarship submissions,

you have a few weeks left,

unless you plan on going to state next year, in which case,

you've got to get them in by the end of the week.

- You guys, this is perfect.

It's a great opportunity to showcase our work.

- Second morning announcement,

who put the men's cheerleading uniforms in the dryers?

'Cause when they pulled them out,

they were covered in used tampons.

Ew.

- Now, when you say used? - Blood.

They were covered in blood.

- Well, blood, makes sense.

- I guess whoever did it thought it would be a funny joke.

- 'Cause, you know, male cheerleaders, tampons?

- Oh, 'cause they're pussies.

- Ha ha ha, no.

Guys, I like a good joke,

but something like that, it's just not funny.

- Right.

- Unless you put it on Snapchat.

Am I right?

Am I right? - Next time.

Do it next time.

Everyone's so sensitive nowadays, anyways.

- Well, you know, you did make them cry, so.

- Hey, last morning announcement,

we have some new transfer students.

First, we have Daniel.

Everybody say hi to Daniel.

Daniel!

- Daniel. - What up, big D?!

- All right, Daniel, you go have a seat right over there.

Now, we also have,

coming in from a charter school, Holly Marie.

Everybody say hi to Holly.

Hi, Holly.

- Now, Holly, we don't really care too much

about the dress code here,

so, you know, feel free to do whatever you want with that.

Now, everybody, I'm gonna break you off

into your groups now.

Projects are due, and we gotta get those in, okay?

So finish them up pronto, ASAP, right?

- Oh, shit, maybe the girls can join our group.

- Daniel, get the fuck outta here.

- Okay, now, Holly, I'm gonna have you

sit over here by me normally, but for right now,

I'm gonna have you work with Christy's group.

Okay?

And, Daniel, you work with those guys.

- Fuck!

- Nice try, guys.

- Look, Mr. Grossman, maybe you can cut us some slack.

You know, it's only the middle of the school year.

- Cut you some slack?

- Well, yeah, you know, I'm going through

a tough time right now.

- You still live at home, right?

You don't pay bills.

- Okay, well, I don't see

what that has to do with... - And you don't have a job.

- What's your point?

- Are you 18?

- Yeah.

- Hear that, everybody?

This guy's 18 years old and doesn't have a job.

- Well, you don't have to air out my shit

in public like that.

Wish I did have a job.

- Look, just finish your project, all right?

I'm gonna give you a free period.

Just go talk to Jillian, she's the project leader.

- Jillian's the project leader?

She's a moron.

- She's not a moron, she's just going through a tough time.

She tried to commit suicide.

- Commit suicide?

She fell asleep in the garage with the door closed.

- Carbon monoxide poisoning.

- She drives a Prius, it's an electric car.

- I don't know what's going through her head.

I mean, she didn't even leave a suicide note.

- She didn't leave a suicide note?

- No.

Who knows what someone like that's thinking, right?

- Would it have killed her to leave a note?

- Hey.

That's not PC.

Sensitivity, huh?

- Okay, guys, ideas.

- How about how jobs discriminate against tattoos?

- Oh, not another one of your tattoo rambles again.

- They're tribal, bro.

- What tribe are you from?

- Hey, guys, good to see everyone!

My doctor said that my new medicine is working wonders.

- Okay, crazy.

- I'm really excited to be team leader.

You guys will not regret this!

- Hey, are your nerves, like, still acting up?

- Only when I pee or blink.

When I pee, I just find a spot on the wall and focus.

- There's only one cure for that, it's weed.

You want some?

- Part of my new outlook in life

is making smarter decisions.

- That's good to hear.

- Yeah, maybe a smart decision

would've been to use a diesel engine, right?

- What? - Okay, come on, guys, ideas.

- Here's an idea for you, how about dipshit teachers?

Won't even give us the new girl on our team.

- Well, sir, I know I'm the new guy and all,

but I'm really looking forward to winning this scholarship.

I'm an excellent student

and I'm training to be a pastor at my church.

- Oh, my god, you're making this worse.

- Why, are you mad?

- Daniel, do you wear a G-string?

- No.

- Well, then you can understand my anger, can't you?

- G-strings are my favorite, especially on Michelle Forsch.

- Wait a second, did you say church?

That can be a good angle.

- Why?

- We can do our video project on it.

You know, show the social impact churches have on society.

- Like all the good they do,

because my father's a reverend and I can...

- No, I'm talking about how much of a scam it all is.

- You know what, it's a good idea.

Let's go to the cafeteria, we have a free period,

they're handing out cookies at the blood drive.

- I think we should stay here and work.

- Did you say blood drive?

Mm-hm.

- That's another great angle.

You know, we go, pretend to give blood,

instead we're just picking up chicks.

- Can I come?

- Hey, and if not, we can just smoke

behind auto shop, right?

- I think we should stay here.

- All right, see you guys later.

- Okay, I'll see you guys later.

- Hi.

- How are we supposed to work with the two

new exchange students?

- New project and they're not on our group?

Which is your fault.

- Why is it my fault?

- Because Grossman hates you, so this is his revenge.

- I don't think so, I think he secretly wants

to hang out with us.

- Do you really think he's gonna fail us?

- Not if we have a backup plan.

- What do you mean?

Like a bribe? - Exactly.

Why not go to him, offer him something

in case we can't film anything?

- What if he wants gay stuff?

- That's where Ryan comes in.

- Right.

Thing is, though, we're gonna have to stick together.

- Right. Absolutely.

No reason any of us have to fail.

All right, one of us has to fail.

- You think? - I mean, we're never gonna do

a good job on this project, let's be honest.

- Okay.

- And what we should do is piggyback on someone else's.

Now, there's no room for all three of us,

so we might have to throw Kevin under the bus.

- Yeah, I mean, it makes sense.

- Yeah, it does.

- He's not really one of us. - He's not one of us, man.

- Only if we really have to.

- Right.

Plus, he'll be fine if he fails.

He comes from a good family.

- He does come from a good family.

- Very good, rich, white family.

- Eh, he's Italian.

- Yeah, but, like, white Italian, very Waspy, you know?

He's had a good ride.

You, on the other hand...

- What?

- I'm just saying we need as much help as we can get.

- All right, we'll form an alliance,

but maybe we should get to Christy first.

- Definitely.

- How gross is Steven?

- Disgusting. - I know.

- He smells like cottage cheese.

- Hey, hey, hey, what's going on here?

- We were just talking about how you can

never do the announcements by yourself.

- Okay, you know, Christy,

I know you're in love with me

and you have to take it out in these

passive aggressive little ways,

but we can be civil to each other.

- You're right.

Maybe I should hook you up with those exchange girls.

- Hey now, that's a good idea.

Maybe do a little exchange with them

and you can take the nerdy, little Bible pusher.

- He's a Christian scientist.

- Christian scientist?

What the hell is that?

- They believe everything can be solved through prayer.

- What weirdos, man.

I'm telling you, religion is such a scam.

They use the power of their beliefs

to get money from people.

- Yeah, and I gotta say, as a Jew, that offends me.

- You're only half Jewish.

- Yeah, but I'm fully offended.

- Scam?

Like when you three went to a Mormon singles' mixer,

posing as elders in need

of female spouses? - That was a fun night.

- Good night, it was a good night.

- Hey, you're project leader,

what do you say your group and my group

get together and share a few ideas?

- Hmm, temping, but no can do.

I'm having lunch with a new friend.

I really like him.

- What's his name?

Jose?

Pedro? Jamal?

- Ha ha.

Very funny.

- Weren't you really into, like,

"Slumdog Millionaire" for a bit?

- Okay, guys, don't ruin this for me.

I really like him.

It's Mike Cook from the wrestling team.

- Hey, babe. - Hey, you.

Guys, you know Mike Cook.

- What up, guys?

- Hey, what's up, man?

Not much.

- That was a good match last week.

Maybe we can do a story on it, you know, for our project?

- Yeah, well, we're gonna go eat.

Why don't you split up with your bestie

and figure out what to do?

- Well, you know, it's hard to split up with me and Kevin.

We can't just split up.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Your saying Kevin's your best friend?

- Well... - I thought I was your...

- Well, you know, it's like, come on.

Kev, you wanna help me out?

- No.

Steven, I'm not your best friend.

You slept with my sister.

- Oh, my god, again with this.

You said you weren't gonna be home that night.

- Ryan would never sleep with my sister.

- Thanks, bro, I wouldn't.

Hey, maybe we should team up.

Three's a crowd.

- All right, you know what, go butt fuck each other.

Hey, maybe we will!

- No. - All right?

And you'll be so jealous. - No.

No, we wouldn't. - I'll get the special K

all in my mouth. - Shut up.

Go downstairs.

What's wrong with you?

- Morning, guys.

- What's up, buddy?

- Stupid friends left me to do their project.

- Why don't you just be like Mikey and interview people?

- Fellas, what's up, guys?

- Oh, my god, leave us alone.

- Oh, come on, Steven, I don't have any friends.

My dad won't let me hang out with people

that aren't inside the church,

well, actually, outside the church for that matter.

- That sucks.

- Yeah, and he won't even let my sister date guys.

Wait, maybe if you guys came out and hang out at the church,

he'll start changing his mind.

- We're not gonna meet your dad.

- Oh, come on, Steven, please?

- Tell me, Daniel, what do Christian scientists believe in?

- Well, we believe in the Bible,

from Genesis to Revelations.

We believe that people are spiritual beings

and that anything can be solved through the power of prayer.

- And what about Jehovah?

- Jehovah's believe everything is derived from Christ,

Mormons believe Christ talked directly to Joseph Smith,

and the Jews crucified him.

- Well, that's not entirely true, it's...

- You know, Mormons believe in having multiple wives.

- Hey, I'm into that.

- We should do an expose on Mormon girls,

maybe interview some, have them over to the house.

- Absolutely, break them in, meet the neighbors.

- Guys, lying to church girls for sex is a sin.

- Shut the fuck up, Danny.

- No. - You know, we should go

from school to school, interviewing them.

That'll be, like, our thing.

- I'm down, but I have my own skit to shoot.

- Ooh, what skit?

- At the library, wanna come?

- In the library? You wanna go?

- Oh, yeah, let me get my stuff.

- Oh, no.

No, no, no.

- Oh, come on, Steven, please?

I don't have any friends at this school.

Come on, please, let me hang out with you guys.

- Fine, but be quiet and stay behind us.

- Thank you so much, I'm so happy right now.

- Whatever.

- Thank you. - Morning, everyone.

Hope you guys had a good weekend.

So who's ready for a pop quiz today?

- So I say we film about social media

and the impact it has today.

- Oh, my god, does that sound boring.

- Why, everybody lives their lives on social media.

- Well, well, well.

- What's up?

- Just hanging with my bud Brett and this guy.

- All right, so listen, I was thinking,

we drop the whole church angle,

and hop on board Christy's social media thing.

- Uh, who says you can hop on board?

- Why?

Nothing better than talking to young, naive girls.

- You really think it's a good idea to talk to girls

trying to accept Jesus in their life?

- Hmm, let's see, girls eager to please a male figure

that doesn't have a job and has a beard,

think you've answered your own question, now haven't you?

- No, listen, Steve, stay with me on this.

Nobody cares that church shit,

everybody cares about the glitz, the glamor, celebrities.

People wanna watch shit

to forget how shitty their lives are.

- Yeah, plus, pretend they know what it's like to be famous,

'cause, deep down, that's what everyone wants.

- Of course, they do.

Celebrities get whatever they want.

Nobody has to even try to be famous anymore.

- Yeah, just look at those girls on Snapchat and Twitter,

they're just drinking and acting like whores.

- Yeah, they are, and you can do it better than anyone.

- No, I don't!

But I do think I see what you're saying

about getting a lot of followers.

- Well, good luck with that.

Me and Daniel are gonna go where the real action is.

- We're going to my father's church.

You guys can come if you want.

I can't wait for you to meet everyone.

I'm so excited.

- Yeah, let's just get this over with.

- Wait, you know I'm the youth leader, right?

- I don't know what that means.

- Oh, it means I'm in charge of the prayer group.

- That means nothing to me.

Damn.

- Yeah, it's a slow tonight.

- Oh, my god, this church is ass soup!

- Oh, here's my sister.

- Hey, bro, who's this?

- This is my new friend, Steven.

- Easy.

Hi.

- Hi.

Ooh, I like your cologne.

What is it? - Call the wild.

I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding. - Oh!

Are you here for the good word?

- Of course.

Time to tapture the rapture, am I right?

- So you're in his class?

- Yeah.

- I'll have to give you a ride home every once in a while.

- Why stop at once?

Oh, my gosh.

You've got to meet our dad.

Daddy!

Hi, honey.

Hey, kids, who's your friend?

- Oh, this is Steven.

- Welcome, Steven, I hope you enjoy the service.

- Steven is a victim of sin, sex, drugs, and alcohol.

- Lots of sex.

- Oh, and lying and gluttony.

- I did do the nasty in the pasty.

- Well, it's our mission to rid the world

of sin and the devil's nature.

You're welcome to join us in our prayer groups if you like.

- Okay.

Maybe I should join her prayer group and her friends, yes?

- Usually, the church doesn't condone boys and girls.

- Okay.

Good call.

- Let's begin.

- Friends, brothers, sisters, let's begin our service

with a scripture from the Bible, verse 23,

and let's give a warm welcome to our new visitor Steven.

Let's make him feel right at home.

Oh.

Okay, all right.

Thank you. Okay.

- Give your neighbor a hug.

Give your neighbor a kiss.

Let's begin, shall we?

And I besought the Lord at that time, saying,

"O Lord God, thou hast begun

"to show the servant thy greatness, and thy mighty hand."

- So you guys just do funny skits and videos in this class?

- Yeah, pretty much.

- Hey, honey, maybe we can do a video

about you and the wrestling team.

- Yeah, maybe.

- Mike is one match away from the state championship.

- We're having a party if you guys wanna come.

- Really?

- Yeah, you guys are cool,

you're always doing whatever you want.

Bring Steven along too.

- Uh, no, that's okay.

- Oh, come on, you're always telling me

about all the funny shit he's doing.

- Yeah, stupid shit.

- Hey, babe, could you go to the vending machine

and get a soda?

- Sure.

- You guys want anything?

- Corn Nuts.

Okay.

- So you guys think Christy has a thing for Steven?

- Uh, I... - It's okay.

Truth is I'm not even into her, anyway.

I like someone else.

- Who?

- Michelle Kinger.

- The Mormon chick?

- Yeah, maybe you guys can help me ask her to prom.

- How?

- Just walk with me to class, push me into her.

- What?

- Just push me into her, knock her books down,

I'll take care of the rest.

But don't tell Christy.

- Are you sure?

- I mean, unless you guys aren't cool enough.

- Oh, no, we're cool.

- So fucking cool.

- I just wish we could get Steven involved.

He seems like he really knows how to get girls.

♪ Blessed is the king who comes ♪

♪ Yeah, the name of the Lord

- I was thinking of taking out that new exchange student.

I could use a good wingman.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I thought you and I were gonna do it.

- I mean, yeah, before, back when I didn't have a choice.

- All right.

How about we fight for it, big nips?

- All right, I don't wanna be mean,

but Mike is literally 10 times cooler than you are.

- Yeah, but I'm crazy enough to do anything.

I'm loco, man.

Chicks dig that.

- All right, you wanna have a crazier contest?

- Yeah, let's do it.

- I know just how to settle it.

- And 19.

- You're almost there.

- And where's the 20th one gonna go?

Right there.

- Dang, that's crazy.

- All right, your turn.

- And the record you have to beat

is nothing 'cause I choose him.

- What?

- Sorry, I told you I didn't wanna do this.

Dude, I don't understand Grossman,

with all these posters.

You know he's suicidal.

It's 'cause he's a weirdo.

- Hey, what you guys do last night?

- Nothing, just had a few beers.

- Did he say anything about me?

- Well, in a way.

Was it good?

Not really.

- Great. - Trust me,

no one had a good time last night.

- Hey oh!

Good morning, everybody.

- What's got you all cheerful?

- Oh, I spent last night with a man.

Man called God.

- You went to Daniel's prayer group, didn't you?

- Yeah, bro, oh, it's a goldmine.

All these chicks are so hot.

You've been looking for a new angle.

- That's not a bad idea.

- You guys are gonna go to church just to pick up girls?

- Oh, I'm sorry, Christy,

we're trying to learn a new religion,

try to broaden our horizons, get a little perspective.

Tell me, what do you do?

- Well, I don't exploit a religion just to get laid.

- Well, look at sweet Christy,

sitting on a cloud of judgment, passing out life lessons.

- Whatever, Steven.

- We should film a prank show.

It could be our thing.

- Ugh, prank show?

Come on, let's just jump on her thing.

- A music video?

- Yeah. - Uh, I don't think

that's a good idea.

- Guys, let's just do the prank show.

Everybody loves pranks.

And if it doesn't work out,

we'll just take over Christy's thing.

- Whoa, guys, you can't just... - Dah, dah, dah, dah.

Let the men talk, Christy.

Let the men talk.

- Let's go ask Grossman.

- Ugh, really?

He's weird. - Oh, you're exaggerating.

- I want in.

Tag team.

Hey, guys, there's room for everybody.

Oh.

Hey, guys.

Yeah, I was just taking inventory of some confiscated items.

- All right.

- We have a great new project; a prank show.

- A prank show?

- Yeah, who doesn't love pranks?

- Other than the people being pranked?

I thought you guys were gonna do some type

of a religious skit.

- Well, we may need some more time with that.

You see, Steven's doing some extensive research.

- I will actually be going tonight,

sink in a little deeper, meet more people.

I feel like I should be worried.

- No.

No.

- You're trying to bang 'em, aren't you?

- Yes. Yes, I am.

- It's unbelievable how he gets away with it.

- I mean, technically, I am Jewish,

and the Jews are the chosen people.

Yeah, it's great.

Just sucks it's only one day a week.

- You could go to a different church

every night of the week.

- That's great.

Yeah, we'll go to mass on Monday,

temple on Tuesday, ward on Wednesdays.

Shabbat shalom, ladies.

- You're going to hell.

- Hey, I'm not the bad guy, all right?

It's not like this guy

when two missionaries knocked on his door.

- I feel like we're really gonna save someone's soul today.

- Yeah.

Good morning, sir.

- Sweet Christmas.

- Are you interested in... - Let me stop you

right there, fella.

Do you guys really believe in all this shit, truly,

that Jesus spoke to you?

What do you do about women?

You know, you're surrounded by horny church girls all day.

They wanna please their fellow man?

You're telling me you don't wanna fuck 'em

at least a little bit?

Do you guys really wanna get into heaven?

Come on in.

Let's talk.

Right this way.

Make yourself at home. - We're just gonna talk?

- Just gonna talk.

- Wow, so that's how you do it?

- Yeah, there's nothing to it.

I told you, it's super easy.

Hey, hey...

Drink more, guy, come on.

- It's not the best tasting... - Here, no, it's good for you.

Hey, drink your medicine, fella.

Ah, there you go. - You don't wanna be rude.

- You don't wanna, you know, get Jesus mad at you and shit.

- That will make Jesus mad?

- Oh, Jesus hates it when you don't

get absolutely fucking hammered.

- I mean... - Like...

- Really? - Like those guys.

Check it out, you know?

That's what you call a good old-fashioned,

you know, panty raid.

See that guy right there in the middle?

- Yeah. - Mm-hm.

- His name is the fabled Chief Slappaho.

You should drink more,

and you should put this thing in your mouth.

- You guys are such delinquents.

- I'm starting to think you're not on board with this.

- I'm not on board with this.

- Why not?

It's amazing.

These girls, man, they're so hot.

- Huge boobs.

- He likes big boobs.

He's a real size king.

- Really?

Any redheads?

- Three.

- Roar.

All right.

Do the prank show.

Make sure you get Mr. Locatelli in the face.

- Why him?

- I hate him.

That bastard parks in my spot every single day.

- Oh, okay, good, I thought it was something important.

- Wait, why is it okay for you

to do something immoral, but not us?

- Well, because the school already thinks

you guys are losers.

Look, you guys get to do everything you want

and you get away with it, 'cause you're kids.

I envy you.

Listen.

Maybe I can hang out with you guys, you know,

go to parties, pick up chicks with you guys?

- Interesting, or you could give us

the cameras for operation church

and we could give you the leftover footage

of the choir girls.

- Okay.

Just do it.

Make sure you get Locatelli in the face,

and I'll think about lending you the cameras.

And hey, guys, do you have any,

the test footage of the redheads with the...

Whatever.

- Hey, guys, I'm Kevin and this is "Pranked."

All right, come on, guys.

Open the door.

Locatelli.

Yeah, you just got pranked!

- You're gonna pay for this!

Suck it, Locatelli!

Man, are you sure about this?

- Oh, I'm telling you, bro, you're gonna love this.

Hey, guys, I'm so glad you came.

- Hey, man, where's your sister?

- Oh, she's getting the lyrics for the songs.

Do you guys wanna sing?

- Who's that?

Oh, that's Molly.

- And that?

- Oh, that's Jessica.

- Oh, man.

Hey, maybe we can join your prayer group?

- Oh. Yeah.

Hey, guys.

- Hey, there she is.

- I'm so glad I finally have pure, righteous friends.

Mm-hm.

- So the key is to really get your ass into it.

- So what's the wildest thing you've ever done?

- Oh, gosh.

No, I haven't done anything wild.

I mean, my parents are really strict.

My dad won't even let us out of the house.

- Aww, that sucks.

- Yeah, that's why I just have

to play with myself in my room.

- That suck, wait, what?

- I wanna unleash my wildness.

- Uh-huh. - I have such needs.

- Okay. - And I wanna do it with you.

- Holy crap, is this actually happening?

- Mm-hm.

I wanna have a threesome with you.

- Awesome, okay.

How about with your friend over there that plays volleyball?

Her shin guards will come in handy.

- Actually, I've had my eye on this one girl.

She's so cute!

- Okay, who?

- Your friend Christy.

- Christy?

Hey, Christy, Christy, my little favorite reporter.

- What do you want, Steven?

- I was thinking about you and, you know, you're right,

this whole me going to church thing,

it's getting out of control.

- Oh, the girls not seeing through your bullshit?

- No, no.

I just think about you and you're right,

I shouldn't make a joke about it,

especially after meeting one of the girls

the other day, Dana.

I mean, she was so passionate about it

that I think you should interview her.

- Really?

- Yeah, you know, take her out, ask some questions.

- That's actually a good idea.

- It is, the only thing is that she's a little nervous

about going by herself.

She needs someone there to, like, make her feel comfortable.

Tell you what, I'll come with you guys,

make sure everything goes smoothly.

- Um, okay.

- Okay? Mark's Pizza?

Say seven? - Okay.

- Okay, great. Wear something hot.

- Hot?

- Caramel macchiato.

- Excuse me, what do you think you're doing

in the teachers' lounge?

- Oh, well, you know, it's the only place

I can really get my coffee for free, so.

- You know, for the record, I didn't find

your prank very funny.

- Well, you're the only one.

It was a hit on YouTube.

- That's 'cause Mr. Grossman's been protecting you,

but that's coming to an end real quick.

If I find you guys doing one more prank on school grounds,

you're getting suspended.

Get outta here.

- Can I finish my coffee?

- Now.

- Hey there. - Whoa, hey.

- You're Steven and Kevin's friend.

- Yeah.

- See you guys have had quite an impression on my children.

- Yeah, that's them.

- I hear you guys also like to drink.

- Oh, shit.

- I see you guys as kids full of sin.

The devil's living in you,

you're sinning day in and day out.

You wanna know what I think about that?

I think it's great.

- What was that now?

- I have these hidden desires

for lust and sin, blood and gore.

I confiscate all these horror movies and drugs,

and I love 'em!

- I'm very scared, sir.

- Listen, maybe I can relive my youth through you guys,

you know, the way it should've been.

- I don't think that's...

Wait a second, did you say confiscated drugs?

- And beer too.

- Interesting.

All right, we got a problem.

- Yeah, tell me about it.

Listen, you've known Christy for a long time,

do you think she'd be good at scissoring?

- Wait, what?

I don't know.

Locatelli is threatening us with suspension.

- What?

That dude's a tool.

- No, listen, we gotta talk to Mr. Grossman,

or this is gonna get outta hand.

- How could it get outta hand?

- Dudes, dudes.

The pastor just stalked me in the parking lot.

He wants to hang out with us.

- This can't get any worse.

- Oh.

Calm down, sit down.

Mr. Grossman's gonna teach us how to do an interview.

I'm so excited.

- Hi, hello, hello.

Welcome, everybody.

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Thank you so much for being here.

So for those of you who know me,

you know that I'm in therapy.

Now, the way that came to be is,

well, a year ago, at this time, I was suicidal.

And that's when I entered into therapy.

But rather than cry about it, rather than pity myself,

I decided to have a sense of humor about it.

At that time, I decided to write my new book,

"Therapy, It's a Joke."

Okay, so, let's jump right into it.

Who needs therapy?

Me.

- Okay, who needs therapy?

Anybody?

Any, how about you?

Come on up, come on.

Come on, come, come, come, come, come.

Have a seat right here.

What's your name?

- Hannah. - Hannah.

Everybody, welcome Hannah, okay?

- Woo! - Have a seat, Hannah.

Now, Hannah, do you know what this is?

- A bell. - That's right.

It's my honesty bell.

Now, what's gonna happen with this bell, Hannah,

is if at any time in this interview,

you're not being honest,

I'm gonna ring this little bell here

and you're gonna sit in shame.

Shame.

Shame.

- Now, Hannah, don't worry about it, okay?

I'm gonna make you comfortable.

And just so you know, there is a line right here, okay?

This is a boundary that I am not gonna cross, okay?

You get that, Hannah, huh?

You see what I just did there, Hannah?

I lied.

Shame!

Shame.

- All right.

Hannah, you're new to school here, huh?

Where were you before?

- High school.

- I was high in school too.

Oh, so what do you wanna study when you go to college?

- Microbiology.

- Oh, you wanna study small things, huh?

Um.

Let's get into it, okay?

When was the last time you were bad?

- I don't wanna say on camera.

- Why don't you just whisper it in my ear?

She was a hooker!

No, I'm kidding, she didn't say that.

Oh, yeah, she didn't wanna pay the taxes.

Oh.

Let's try something else.

What did you get for your birthday?

- My tennis team got me lots of gifts,

penguin slippers, a dolphin loofah, and a tin of popcorn.

- Hmm.

So they don't like you, but you knew that.

I'm just kidding, I'm so kidding.

Okay, the penguin slippers,

like, do they walk side by side, you know?

No, that's just a bad stereotype, really bad.

It's kinda like Asian girls and tennis and microbiology.

You know what, Hannah's just a well-adjusted girl, okay?

Thank you so much for being here, Hannah.

Thank you so much.

Woo.

- Oh, I really appreciate that.

I wasn't attracted to her.

Shame!

Shame.

- Ah.

Maybe somebody else?

Well, I think that went well.

- Are you kidding?

That was wildly inappropriate.

Locatelli's never gonna air this.

- Hey, we need someone to do the announcements.

I'm not doing it.

I get stage fright. - You're not even

in front of an audience. - You know what I mean.

- Steven, you do it.

- I can't, I have Bible study now.

Oh, fuck you.

- Hey, I'm a student of God now, okay?

- Steven, forget it.

You're way too trashy to do the announcements, anyway.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- It means you got a reputation,

and we don't want it on camera.

Even if you do get that girl,

she'll probably catch something.

- Yeah, if they see you on the announcements,

they'll be like, "Hey, isn't that the guy

"that makes my, like, ass itch now?"

- They all have to go to the store to pick up antibiotics.

- They do.

They do.

- You know, I don't know what's worse,

Mary or Christy's new boyfriend.

You know he actually wants me to push him

into Michelle Kinger?

Apparently, that's how he's gonna ask her out.

- Well, that would just devastate Christy.

Can I be the one that tells her?

- No, I'm not supposed to tell anyone.

- I can do the announcements with Ryan.

Please?

- All right, well, the grass is dead

and there's no game tomorrow.

And male cheerleading is not a real sport.

And that's this week in sports.

Go A cups...

Acorns.

Nice.

- I thought I was gonna say something stupid like,

"Mike Cook wants Kevin to push him in Michelle Kinger."

Uh, Dan.

- Huh? - You're still on live.

- Oh, you big-toothed prick.

- See, maybe you should've done the announcements.

- I'm gonna kill this kid.

Okay, I got a good way we can get Mr. Locatelli,

but we're gonna need your help.

- I'm listening.

- It's gonna be really bad, so we're gonna need a fall guy.

- Here she comes.

I'm a little nervous.

- Just relax.

Have a drink or two.

- Nope, still nervous.

- Ah, don't be, she's a very affectionate person.

- Really?

- Yeah, give her a kiss when she comes.

It's very European.

- She's from Detroit.

She travels.

- Okay. - Hey.

- Hi, guys. - Hi.

- I am really glad we could get together.

- Me too, I'm hoping to get a lot out of this.

- Me too.

- I brought my camcorder.

I'm hoping to record this.

- Okay.

- So, Dana, you know, Christy has been

talking about you all the time.

She totally admires you.

- Oh, well, thank you.

- Yeah, well, I see you around school

and you're really cute.

Okay, okay.

Can we get some wine over here?

- I must admit, I've never done this with a girl before.

- Yeah, Steven told me.

It's okay.

- Usually, I just do it with the volleyball coach,

volleyball players, basketball coach, football coach.

- Damn.

I thought I was bad.

- And I must admit, I'm into this,

but I'm not into all that ass kissing, so.

- Okay.

We're live in three, two.

- Hello, welcome to "Real Talk with Ryan," I'm Ryan.

And we have a special guest today,

Mr. Locatelli, English teacher,

teaches English literature and kills kids' good time.

Welcome Mr. Locatelli.

- Thank you.

- Mr. Locatelli, why are you an English teacher?

- Well, I guess it's 'cause I've always had a passion

for arts and literature.

- Mm, yes.

Oh, who's your favorite writer?

- You know, a lot of people say Shakespeare.

Me, I'd say Hemingway.

- Oh, wow.

Maybe you should do what he did.

Hey, can I ask you one last question?

- Please.

- How do you feel about snake attack!

- Stack attack.

- Woo, woo!

- Snake attack. - Snake attack.

- Snake. - Snake attack.

- Snake attack.

- You guys think this is funny?

- Yeah, it's for our new prank show.

Hey, I think it'll go over well.

What do you think?

- Oh, how's this for funny?

How about I kick all of you kids out of this class?

Going to talk to the principal.

- Hey, hey.

Hold on, take it easy, take it easy.

Look, it was just a joke

and a prank for educational purposes.

- Oh, Grossman, somehow I knew you were behind this.

You know what, I'm going to write a statement,

and I'm gonna take your dolls

that you've been hiding in your desk.

- What?

- You heard me, you were supposed to turn

those things in a month ago.

- You bastard!

- Man, did that guy overreact or what?

- So what are we gonna do now?

- Now, we've gotta go all out on this guy.

We're gonna have to break into his office

and get my dolls back.

- Wait, what?

- Uh, the statement.

We're gonna have to break in and get that statement.

- We may need some help from the church.

- God?

- Mm-mm.

Steven.

I wonder how his date's going.

Probably banging your sister.

- But that's a sin.

She'll go to hell.

- Jesus forgives.

- Wow.

You ordered a lot of wine.

- You want some more? - Yeah.

- Sir? - Beat it.

- You have a problem with the bill.

The cashier said you kept trying to pay in Canadian dollars?

- I tell her it's practically U.S. money.

- Well, I'm gonna go freshen up.

I'll be right back.

- Oh, I have got to thank you.

We are getting along great.

- Hey, just seeing you two happy together,

it's all the thanks I need.

- I still feel I have to thank you.

I mean, I owe you.

- Define "owe."

- Well, do you wanna join?

- I could be into that.

Tell you what, go to the bathroom,

let me just have a sec with her, okay?

- Okay. - Okay.

Hi, guys.

Hey.

- I will be right back.

Be here when I get back.

- Do you see what I'm seeing?

- What's that, dear?

- Dana's totally coming on to me.

- Well, it doesn't make any sense.

You're both women.

- Yeah, I think that's the idea.

- This damn generation.

- I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much into things.

- Yeah. - Maybe I should go back

to her place?

- Yeah, 'cause you don't wanna be rude.

- I'd be scared to go there alone.

Well, will you come with us?

- Yeah, yeah.

I'll totally be there for you.

- Okay.

Hey, ready to go?

Yeah.

- Guys ready to go, everything's good?

Sir, you have a phone call.

- What is this, the 1980s?

What do you mean I have a phone call?

- You have a phone call outside.

- Outside?

Oh.

Okay, you two just relax, sit tight,

I'll be right back, okay?

- Okay. - Don't go anywhere.

- What? - How's it going in there?

- Well, so far, so good.

- All right, we need your help.

Locatelli's gonna suspend us.

- We're done trying to reason with him.

Might have to get a little tough with him.

- Just tell Mr. Look At My Belly to back off.

- No, not this time.

We're playing hardball.

- Well, fine, do it.

Get outta here.

- But we need you.

- Daniel, I would, but I'm so close on nailing your sister.

- Who cares?

Come hang out with us.

We're gonna get rolled ice cream later.

- Really?!

- We're gonna stake this guy out,

follow him at night, maybe a little camp out.

- Gonna get really hard with this guy, you know?

Blast him in the ass.

Nothing weird or anything like that.

- Guys, guys, I have a chance for the dream in there.

- Which is?

- Oh, you mean...

- What?

What?

- Two girls, one Steven. - One Steven.

- All right, go ahead.

Hey.

Make sure you rub one out

before you guys get all naked, right?

Smart.

That's my boy.

- Wait, what are we gonna do now?

- Oh, I have one guy that might be able to help us.

- Who'd be stupid enough to help us?

- The guy that made this guy.

- Papa?

- We may have had a bad influence on him.

- Papa?

- Hey, kids. What's up?

- We were just having problems with our teacher,

and we were gonna deal with it tonight.

- Are you gonna kill him?

- No, no, we're not.

- 'Cause I'd really be into it.

I'm on this website, gore.com,

it's got burn victims, people with their heads blown off.

It's amazing.

- Who's been doing the sermons?

- Who cares, I'm done with that shit.

Listen, maybe we can all hang out sometime?

- Or you can just give us your baseball bats,

and we're gonna get really hard with the guy.

- Again, with the hard.

Are you doing gay stuff with this guy?

- No, dude, it's not gay.

It's expressive.

- Hey, take whatever you want,

but if you bash this guy's head in, I want pictures.

- Oh, Daddy.

- Where's Steven?

- Oh, he's on a date with Dana.

- Lucky guy.

- Wait, what?

- I mean, lucky girl.

He's the kinda guy I could really welcome into this family.

I bet he's treating her like a lady.

- Woo, bartender!

Another one.

Mm. - Well, I think we should go.

- Yeah, funny thing happened while you were on the phone.

- Really?

- Yeah, Dana said she can't wait

to take both of us on at the same time.

- What's your point?

- What are you up to?

You're up to something.

- Maybe she wants to take on a youth trip or something.

- She said she's so thankful for you

for taking her out of the closet,

and that she brought her own handcuffs.

- Okay, here's the deal, she likes you,

she wants to have a threesome with us.

- And did you tell her I'm not a lesbo?

- I said you were open-minded.

What's the big deal?

Maybe you'll like it.

- If I was going to have a threesome,

it sure wouldn't be with you.

- Well, now, that just hurts, Christy.

You know, we've had our differences in the past,

but you don't like me enough

to consider me a friend with benefits?

- I don't even consider you a friend!

Great.

Now she's passed out,

and we're gonna have to carry her home.

- Oh, man.

- Looks like your dream of having a threesome's over.

- I mean, we still could do stuff.

No, okay, you're right, sorry.

Too much, too much, sorry.

What the hell, Christy?!

- Mike, this isn't what it seems.

- Well, not anymore.

- Hey, where's your friend?

I'm gonna pound his face in.

Why?

- Mike. - I told him in confidence,

and he's laughing at me?

- Oh, yeah, bro, you should never tell us

anything in confidence.

- Mike. - You being funny?

Hey, hey, hey.

- Yeah, I should probably go help the guys.

What the heck?

- There he is, that son of a bitch.

If we can just knock him unconscious,

we can get in that office and get our reports back.

- All right, what's the plan?

- The plan is to, you know, jump him.

- Okay.

Go do it.

- Oh, I'm not gonna go do it, you're doing it.

- What? Dude, no.

- Dude, I can't do it.

I have college interviews, I can't get caught.

Got a way better ride than you.

- Yeah, that's true,

but still. - Well, I can't do it.

Jesus is watching me.

- Keep that Jesus talk in the church, weirdo.

- Hey, guys. - Whoa!

- Shh. - What are you doing?

Thought you were on your date.

- Well, I was till Mike came looking for you.

- Aww, did you cover for me, bro?

That's cool.

- Well, it's really Dana who covered for you,

but, all right, what are we doing?

- We're deciding who's gonna take this guy out.

- Well, its clearly gotta be Daniel.

- What, why me?

- You're not one of his students.

He not gonna recognize you.

- That's true.

- I can't do it on my own.

- Yeah, that's true too.

He doesn't really have the body to jump someone.

I mean, look at him, he couldn't hurt a fly.

- Oh, he's a pussy.

Steven go with him.

- What? No.

- Look at him, he doesn't have muscles.

You've got the perfect muscle mass for this.

- That's true, I do have perfect muscle mass.

- It's the carbo-loading.

- I do work out more than anyone.

All right, give me the stick.

- Thank you so much.

You're my best friend.

- Thanks, bro.

Hopefully, your sister's okay.

- What? - All right.

Ready? Come on.

Okay, okay.

All right, okay.

Okay, you go over there.

You go over there.

Okay. - Do you think we're gonna get

in trouble for this?

- I don't know. - Oh, God, I'm so scared.

Oh. - Come on, come on, come on,

come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Get over there, get over there, get over there, go.

Okay, come here, come here, come here.

- Okay? - Yeah, let's go this way.

Let's go, come on.

- Did he just leave him?

- That pussy.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, who are you?

- Uh, uh... - That's it, let's go.

We're going to the principal's office.

- No, wait, wait. - Let's go.

Come on, you're getting locked up

over night. - Steven!

I'm sorry, Steven!

Steven!

Where'd you go, where'd you go, Steven?

- Guys, guys, guys.

I don't know what happened.

My adrenaline just took over.

I just did the first thing that came to my mind.

- Uh, yeah, you panicked and you pussied out.

Well, no, no no, I just,

my adrenaline just told me to do something.

I just followed my instincts.

- Yeah, no. - Guys, either way,

we're good.

They left.

Let's go.

- Okay, all right, let's go.

Goddamn it, it's locked.

- I guess we gotta wait till morning.

- Looks like a camp out.

Got any food?

- No, but you know who does?

Why did you invite him?

- He is kinda growing on me.

- He's weirdo.

There's a reason they call him Mr. Grossman.

- Woo!

Hey oh!

Yeah!

Bros!

What's up, kids?!

- We tried to steal Locatelli's briefcase, he got away.

- Yeah, Steven's karate moves went out the window

when he ran away like a little girl.

- No, listen, my adrenaline told me

to do something else, okay?

So I did something else.

- Guys, it's okay.

It's all right.

Listen, I don't mind camping out with you guys.

I brought snacks.

This is great and all,

but shouldn't we worry about security?

- Please, security?

- Security, we got Survey and Lance right here.

Surveillance.

- Just stop.

- Okay, let's just move past it.

- How can we get into the class?

If we get into his room and steal the paperwork,

he can't do anything to us.

- It'll be his word against yours.

- But how are we gonna get into the school?

- Okay, I know what to do.

I just have to scale that wall down there

and jump the fence.

- Okay, Jason Bourne.

You can't even scare a middle-aged man.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, I told you before,

my instincts told me to do something else.

- Okay, Steven, how do you view yourself in our group?

I'm Walter.

- What?

- "The Big Lebowski"?

I'm Walter, you're The Dude, and you're Donnie.

- Except in that movie, the guy's always wrong.

- Whatever, dude, okay?

I could scale that fence easily.

Just let the energy kick in.

- Hey.

Look what I got.

Kale.

- I don't even know if I should do any.

I'm scared.

- Oh, come on, really?

- All right, I'll do a couple.

- All right. - You know, eat healthy.

Gotta be more responsible, right?

Go ahead.

There you go.

Right?

It's okay.

- Yeah, it's good.

Okay. - Attaboy.

- Okay, you don't have to do this.

- Is that a challenge?

- No, it's not.

- It is.

- I don't know why you keep saying this is a challenge.

I literally don't think you can do this.

- Have some faith, man.

All right.

Bend at the knees, stiff as a board, and jump.

Oh, stride, stride, stride, stride, execute!

Oh, my god.

- How was that, Spider-Man?

- Well, is this fricking regulation height or what?!

- Well, fine, I'll try!

- Yeah, it's not that easy, is it?

- No, it's not.

- Oh, my god. - I can't, I can't breathe.

I don't think my lungs are working properly.

- I mean, physics alone, I don't know how this is possible.

Fuck physics.

- You want some kale?

- No, man, I'm good.

I got filled up at home.

That's the good stuff, huh?

It's the tinder kale, son.

- Everyone's going vegan lately.

- You gotta, man.

Gotta be healthy, you know?

I got seaweed.

I got kale chips.

I got kidney beans.

Liver beans.

You know who I like?

And don't think I'm weird.

Jillian.

- No.

Come on.

- I've been trying to get with her for a minute.

- Isn't that a little inappropriate?

- Why?

'Cause she's a student or 'cause she's dumb?

- I don't know, both?

- Well, I don't think it's cool to not give her a chance

just 'cause she's stupid.

You know me, man, I'm not one to discriminate.

That's not cool.

Whatever floats your boat, man.

- Doesn't matter.

She's not into me, she's into young guys.

What is it about younger guys?

- Oh, it's the teenis.

The premature teenis.

- That's it.

Goddamn teen penis.

- Hey, you should just keep trying, though,

'cause she might have some, like, unresolved daddy issues.

- Oh, I hope so.

Think I should call her?

- Yeah.

See if she's got some friends too.

All right, I will.

- Hey, if they're fat, it's fine.

- All right. - Or ugly.

- Okay.

- Or, like, sick, that's fine too.

Just not, like, terminally sick.

But sick's okay.

- Got it.

- Okay, this isn't working.

- Hey, can I ask you something?

- What?

- Why do you have a lock pick set?

- What do you mean?

- What do I mean, I mean, why do you have a lock pick set?

- Well, I would assume it's obvious.

- It's not, it's not obvious.

- Well, bro, these girls, you know,

they like to flirt, they like the attention,

so if you know where they live,

makes the game all the better.

- I mean, better, better how?

- Well, bro, if you know where these girls live,

you can call them up and see what they're doing,

and if they're just making stuff up,

then maybe you go to their house while they're at school,

fill their room up with roses and candy.

It's a very useful tool.

- Okay, all right.

I mean, you know, I noticed in class,

you've been doing reports on serial killers.

You know, I know we always joke

like you're a serial killer and stuff,

but you're not imitating

these guys, are you? - Oh, no, bro.

I just write my reports on these guys

because they use their charm and charisma

to seduce these girls.

Now, knowing where they live,

it's just saves time in seducing them.

It's very clever.

I feel like you're not getting this.

- I'm not, I'm not getting this.

I mean, are you gonna hurt these girls?

- Of course not! - Okay, okay.

What was that?

- Do they have somebody with them?

- Don't be ridiculous.

Who's got nothing better to do than to come here

at this time of night?

Mm.

- Roar.

Mm.

- Oh, my god, we go to the worst school in the world.

- What are you guys doing?

We gotta get the files.

- Oh, what's the difference?

Even if we do, Locatelli's still gonna find

a way to suspend us.

It's over.

Who's gonna believe a bunch of kids over a teacher?

- Hey, what about me?

- You're the worst teacher ever.

Your career is over and you make out with stupid chicks.

- Earmuffs.

- Whoa, whoa, you might be wrong.

- What, she's not stupid?

- Oh. - Dude, not cool.

- No, no, she's clearly a moron.

But I think there's a way we could not get suspended

and finish our project.

- How?!

- What if we stage a fire, have you save Jillian,

and we capture it on camera?

- That's not authentic.

- Oh, news isn't authentic anymore.

Everything's staged.

Even streaming can be edited.

- I guess we can say we helped her.

I mean, who's gonna arrest a bunch of heroes?

- All right, let's set

that mentally challenged chick on fire.

Whoa, whoa!

- Whoa, we don't have to set her on fire.

We can just pretend there was a fire

and then say we pulled her out of it.

Just hope she doesn't get hurt.

- Well, if she does, I saw some homeless guys

down the corner we can just set on fire.

Oh! - Dude.

- Too much?

I'm sorry, am I an asshole?

Every group has the asshole, am I the asshole of the group?

Okay.

- Hey, look.

What's that?

- Can we steal this?

- Hey, I got an idea.

Hey, get that camera going.

- All right.

- Heave! - Ho!

- Heave! - Let's go.

- Push! - Push, damn it, push!

You can't do that,

you gotta put it in reverse fist.

Okay, come on.

Fuck you, go.

- Come on, you're almost... - Push!

I don't wanna!

Just push, you lazy bastard.

I don't wanna.

- Put some effort into it. - Heave!

Fucking help, Steven.

Steven, you bitch!

- Yeah, you bitch.

Whore.

- Good evening, Middle Lake High School.

I'm here with Jillian,

currently investigating some suspicious activity.

Let's stakeout on this golf cart.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa... - Oh, shit!

Oh, fuck me!

Fuck, no! - Okay, I got it!

- Oh, fuck! - I got it, I got it!

- Guys, guys, guys! - I got it!

- I got no control! - I'm filming it!

I'm filming it! - What the fuck?!

Oh, shit!

You okay?

- I think I broke my dick.

Does it hurt?

- What do you think?

Oh, man.

That looks really bad.

Did you get it on camera?

- Oh, yeah. - Then we're good.

Eat this.

It'll help. Come on.

This is totally gonna scar.

Just put some Bengay on it, it'll be fine.

- So you boys ready to go see the principal?

- All right, look, we wanted one last chance

to reason with you, so we have some footage

that you might be interested in.

- Oh, the three of you morons

running around school grounds last night?

Don't act shocked.

I know it was you guys.

- Okay, okay.

Look, how about a bribe?

- A good old-fashioned bribe.

- Okay, I'm listening.

- No.

No.

The Hublot?

Well, that worked out great.

Yeah, things always work out, don't they?

- Oh, fuck you.

My favorite watch.

- What do you guys wanna do?

- We could go check on Dana, make sure she's all right.

I feel kinda bad.

- Or we do something way better,

check out this new strip club.

They sell tacos.

Yeah!