Original subtitles

And the nominees for the Best Yell

in an Action Film are...

Vin Spiegel in Go Forth Gut-wrenched.

Ten, nine,

eight, seven, six,

five, four, three...

And Professor Piero Pomponi for Bad Informations.

And Brick Maxwell for The Big Bang II:

Light the Fuse.

And Nic Cassino for Spike Five: Death Match 3000.

And the award goes to...

- My God! Brick Maxwell! - Ooh! Brick Maxwell

for The Big Bang II: Light the Fuse!

Whoo!

How about a Slow Screw Against the Wall?

Can you believe this kid?

Can't even do a pushup

and he's the new face of action films.

Please.

Estrogen is the new testosterone.

The demographic is changing

and they want a new kind of hero.

One who's a little more vulnerable.

Shit, it's all done with computers anyway.

That's what I'm saying, Jack. Award's for action films.

- Not action cartoons. - Hmm.

- The stuff I do is real. - Yeah.

Fire, explosions, car chases.

- This scar. Morocco, 2016. - Yeah.

You won this award - three years running. Yeah.

And your next film is testing through the roof.

You're still young.

Jack, I'm 53.

Fifty is the new 20.

Yeah, right.

Fifty. Still haven't done my Streetcar Named Desire.

The world needs to see...

the Brando.

I'm gonna swallow a bug.

Why don't you come by my office tomorrow, we can talk.

I might have something for you. A Disney project.

- Disney? - Disney.

- Family films? - Yeah, why not?

Yeah, could show my range.

Exactly. It's an opportunity for you.

Interesting.

Magilla Gorilla?

What?

It's got heat. They're talking ensemble cast.

Check this out. Danny DeVito as Mr. Peebles.

I'm not playing a gorilla, Jack! That's where I draw the line.

You're not gonna play a gorilla.

Just lend your voice. No!

The old man would turn in his grave

if he knew his son was playing an ape.

Nic, it's a payday.

It could be a future franchise.

What's happening with The Horseman?

Listen, I gotta call you back.

They're going with Brick Maxwell.

They wanted someone a little more...

prepubescent.

What? What does that mean?

Younger, Nic.

They wanted someone younger.

Look, kid, it happens fast in this business.

One day, you're on the top of the hill,

the next day you're over it.

It kills me that you're not getting the parts.

Believe me.

I raised my tent on your pole. Remember?

Spike? Spike II? Spike III?

But things change.

Yesterday, it was underdog action heroes.

Today, it's... teenage zombies.

Hey, here's something you might like.

No cartoons, Jack. Not now.

- No cartoons. - No. No, no.

A festival in Italy wants to do a retrospective on your career.

Why don't you take Aurora and have a nice trip?

I haven't seen her since the awards.

- Uh, a retrospective? - Then go yourself.

The Italians have always loved your films.

Sure. Like, where? Where is it?

In Naples. The Giffoni Film Festival.

Hmm.

I could use a bit of love.

I think.

Mr. Cassino? We're ready to go.

Great.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo!

Ladies and gentlemen, kids.

Stay, stay, stay! Just a moment! Stay!

The director of the film is in attendance

and will be available for a Q&A.

Stay! Stay, stay, stay!

Please! Just a moment!

A question?

I have a question.

The American superhero, Nic Cassino?

Where is the conference?

Uh, Lore, do you remember Fausto?

We taught filmmaking together

at the Centro Sperimentale.

Ah, yes, of course. The days of hope and glory.

I told Fabrizio,

any service I can provide to help his career.

I am, as we say in Naples...

I am available.

Whatever you need.

Do you sell life insurance?

Ah!

It was a joke.

Fabrizio, you know, it's late.

The hydrofoil for Ischia is leaving in an hour.

And Ombretta?

She's outside trying to get a signal.

Nello is calling to meet us at the port.

- So, very nice to meet you. - Bye.

Our daughter.

She's an actress.

- Can we go now? - Yes, we go.

- Is it Lello? - Nello.

Nello, Lello. What's the difference?

"Marry and buy cattle

from your own town and you won't be let down."

Yes. Of course.

- A lot of good it did me. Hmm. - Jack!

Yep, safe and sound.

Could've warned me about the Amalfi drive.

You know what I'm like with heights.

Hey, I got some news for you.

Mm-hmm? The Horseman came through?

You sittin' down?

Uh... I am now. I'm sitting.

What's the news?

Not that kind of news.

Uh-huh? Aurora came by.

- Right? - She's filing for divorce.

Hmm. Interesting. That's... That's terrific.

Yeah! I love you, too.

My wife's filing for divorce.

Yeah, she's off with Brick... Brick Maxwell.

Noodle arms. Spaghetti arms.

The guy who pretends he's an action hero.

Really not. I love you, too.

Jack, you need to get me out of this.

You wanna use the food allergy routine?

Yeah. Whatever, yeah.

I'll try to hold the jet for you.

Right. Uh, wait. Uh, Jack. Um...

I need some time. Is there...

any place out here where I can stay low for a few days?

Well, George Clooney's villa

is up for sale.

But it's way up north.

What about Sofia's?

Vin Spiegel's staying there.

They're prepping Sergeant Stone.

Right, well... God.

Anywhere where no one knows who I am.

- All right. - Wait a second.

There's an Italian actress who's got a villa nearby.

Place called Ischia.

Yeah. Ischia. Sounds great. All right.

Nello, I introduce my mother, Lorella.

- Nice to meet you. - And my father, Fabrizio.

It's a pleasure and an honor to meet you.

I've heard so much of your films.

- Have you seen any of them? - No.

But I feel as I have.

Ombretta has spoken of them so often.

Such courage to make a three-hour film

in this day and age.

Courage? Interesting point of view.

- Listen, Lello. - Nello.

Sorry. Nello. We are very tired.

Six hours on the train, three hours at the festival.

Can we just go to the hydrofoil?

Papa. Nello has a surprise for you.

- Yes? - Yes.

A private boat and tour.

Wow. Hmm.

And as we reach the end of our tour,

I'd like to show you the most beautiful jewels

of our exotic island.

I am speaking, of course,

of the many celebrity villas here in Ischia.

We are in the district of Zaro.

And here, at one time or another,

famous director Luchino Visconti,

international actress Liz Taylor,

and her lover, Richard Burton,

made Ischia their summer residence.

Sorry, can you close it?

Thank you.

And so, signori, I now bid you arrivederci.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Au revoir.

Ni hao.

Bye!

Uh, excuse me.

Are you looking perhaps for "Favuzzo?"

Oh, si! Favuzzo!

I am Angioletto.

Di Meglio. I am the father of...

- Ah, Lello. Of course. - Nello.

Oh. Nello, Lello. What's the difference, huh?

You're right.

Thank you.

But... But...

Where are the two fidanzatini?

The... the young lovers.

Nello went to check for our hotel.

- We are very tired. - Yeah.

Oh! You are our guests.

Filomena has already prepared your room,

and she has been cooking for three days.

Ah, but we have just met. We really can't impose.

No, no, no... We can't impose, we...

With the engagement of our children,

we are practically family.

And besides we have plenty of room.

Oh, come on! Come on!

Plenty of room...

Plenty of room!

Lello!

- It's Nello. - Nello. Nello.

- How many kilometers? - Just ten!

- Just ten? - Yes.

Ah, we are lucky.

- Yes. - Yes.

- Very lucky. - Very lucky.

The Great Nic Cassino!

Welcome to Villa Antonietta.

Nicola. Grazie mille.

Thanks for the hospitality.

Ah, you speak Italian!

Well, kinda. Not really.

Well, my dad taught me and my brother,

but I stopped using it when he died.

Ah! Your brother is died?

No. Uh, we just haven't spoken

in English or Italian in a long time.

I'm sorry. My English not so fine.

- Well, my Italian's not so fine. - Ah. I think.

Okay.

- Come. Come here. - Great.

This is the gym.

Ah.

Fabulous!

At any mode, here are the keys.

Accomodati. Uh, make yourself at home.

Hmm.

Very kind of you.

Uh...

Can I eat you tonight?

Hmm?

Uh. Ask her

if she wants to have dinner with me tonight.

Mr. Cassino's asking if you want to have dinner with him tonight.

Ah!

Thanks, but...

I can't, um...

Sorry, tell him I can't.

I have to go back to Rome.

I have a role in the Sergeant Stone movie.

Mr. Nic, she is going to Rome.

For the Sergeant Stone movie.

Ah. Well, give my regards to Vin.

Nic, now I really have to go.

For anything, call me.

Mm-hmm. Chiamami. The keys.

Thanks.

- Bye, Nic. - Bye.

Bye. Ciao.

Jack, it's great. You nailed it.

It's got a gym and everything.

And the view... Mediterranean.

Stunning. Beautiful.

Jack, I've been thinking.

It's time for me to get back to basics,

like when I wrote Spike in three days

in that sweatbox.

Reclaim the throne, so to speak.

Uh, Jack.

It's time for me to get back to work.

Enjoy, enjoy, help yourself!

I am allergic to liver.

No. No liver. No liver. You can eat.

Uh-huh. No liver.

Ah, do you like it?

It's testicles!

The balls are the best part.

You see... you see,

I am convinced that here

I will receive an inspiration.

- An inspiration. - Ah.

For me, coming to Ischia is like a pilgrimage.

And La Colombaia, the villa of Visconti,

is the holy land for...

Neorealism.

Oh!

Perhaps our son will someday

become a famous director like you.

Like him!

No... let's hope not!

Just kidding! Just kidding!

Ah, ah.

Cheers, cheers, cheers!

Cheers! Cheers!

Thank you.

Maurizio.

- Marco. - Mr. Nic?

Huh? Mr. Nic?

Breathe, breathe.

Breathe slowly.

Breathe.

Breathe. Breathe.

Fabrizio...

Ladies and gentlemen,

La Colombaia is now closing.

Please, this way.

Could this be...

Visconti's writing room?

La Colombaia is now closing.

Please proceed to the exit.

Eh... Papa?

- Papa? - Ah. Papa?

Oh, no.

Excuse me.

Fabrizio!

Excuse me.

Excuse me!

Hello!

Help! Please!

- Fabrizio! - Papa?

Help. Help!

Help! Help!

Help!

Ouch, that hurt!

Ouch, that hurt!

Visconti's long lost masterpiece...

"IN SEARCH OF LOST TIME" LUCHINO VISCONTI

Oh!

Oh mamma, oh mamma.

Slowly, slowly...

And here we are on the set of The Horseman,

the latest apocalyptic action film...

currently filming in New York,

starring rising action movie star Brick Maxwell.

And speaking of Armageddon,

NASA's just reported that the path

of the massive asteroid set to miss Earth

by 100,000 miles has been recalculated.

Make that 200,000... Stupid.

Luchino!

"Book number one."

- But... where is book two? - Huh?

Book two.

Excuse me! Excuse me!

- But... why is closed? - Huh?

Inagibile. Condemned.

"Condemned due to a recent collapse."

But... but I must enter.

I left something inside, very important.

If you wish, I can search.

What did it look like?

A last glimmer of hope.

Is there anything I can help you find?

The highest precipice on the island.

Okay.

Come on.

You may find what you are looking for here.

If not,

there is a nice cliff over there.

SILENCE AND PRAYER

Hello.

It's me.

Fabrizio Favuzzo.

You remember? Uh, Obtusion?

Nonsense.

The Scream.

Maybe not, huh?

My films are totally forgettable, as am I.

But to be shown the heavens

only to be dashed to the rocks

is crueler than any failure I could direct.

There must be a design for me.

Some grand storyboard.

If there is a way for me to make this film,

please, please give me a sign.

Hello.

Ah, Lorella.

Yes...

Yes, I wanted... I wanted...

Mm-hmm?

Yes, but...

Exactly... I wanted...

Hello? Hello?

My wife reminds me we have a reservation

at Il Bracconiere.

Uh-oh!

I almost forgot.

I have to drop you off, then I am...

I'm working...

at the port.

Ah!

Come on.

Fabrizio.

Fabrizio, where are you going?

You said it was this way to the cliff?

Sorry.

Sorry.

Everything alright?

Angioletto, it's a sign.

La Madonna has shown me a miracle.

Nic Cassino will do my film.

But what Nic Cassino? That was a sosia.

A body double.

Ischia is famous for them.

Did you see how he spoke to you in Italian?

No, no. No, no, it was him. I'm sure of it.

It's my destiny.

Everything in my life has brought me to Ischia.

To find the manuscript.

To cross paths with the great Nic Cassino.

We must find him. Will you help?

To find another cliff?

Yes.

Guys...

Anyone seen Nic Cassino on the island?

Of course. He's playing at Cinema delle Vittorie

in Forio for another week

before they close for the summer.

No.

Not in the cinema. On the island.

Angioletto, I saw Sylvester Stallone

- at Ischia Ponte. - Sylvester Stallone?

Are you nuts?

Good morning.

Morning, Titina.

Hi, guys.

An ice cream. Strawberry.

Hi, Titina.

Titi. What do know about any celebrities on Ischia?

Oh, besides the fact that they are ruining the island?

But... but have you seen anyone lately?

Mm.

There is an American staying in Zaro.

- At Sabrina Fiorucci's villa. - Hmm.

And do you know who it is?

So what?

Who gives a shit?

Well done.

Thank you, guys!

Bye!

Fabrizio.

Fabrizio.

- Who is it? - Angioletto. Come outside.

Oh. Come on.

Come on, come on.

He is at Zaro.

Sabrina Fiorucci's villa.

- Who? - Nic Cassino.

Nic Cassino? Let's go!

Fabrizio, Fabrizio. Are you all right?

- Yes, yes. - Okay, listen to me.

There is a problem.

The villa is blindato. Locked down.

There are walls and security cameras.

There is no way to get in.

We need a plan.

Yeah.

We need actors. Props.

Wardrobe.

Special effects.

You need an assistant director.

- Lello! - Nello.

Mr. Nic, there is a phone call for you.

Who is it?

Someone named Fabrizio Favuzzo. He said he is a director.

Who the hell is Fabrizio Favuzzo?

Who the hell is Fabrizio Favuzzo?

He said to look out the window.

What?

He said to look out the window.

What is this? An episode of Gilligan's Island?

Mr. Cassino!

So, uh, Maestro... I mean, Mastro Favuzzo.

I gotta say, I'm not much of a fan of European cinema.

I find the, uh, the subtitles distracting.

But what can I do for you?

It's not what you can do for me. It's what I can do for you.

Interesting.

I have here

an original script by Luchino Visconti.

An unedited opera and neorealistic masterpiece

based on Proust's novel, AÀ la recherche du temps perdu.

The Search for Lost Time.

An unfinished work and culmination

of his artistic vision

that has never seen the light of day.

And?

And I want you to star in it.

Hmm.

- Visconti? - Yes. Yes.

Maybe you have heard of him? Um...

Death in Venice?

Can't say that I have.

The Leopard? Il Gattopardo.

Uh, Leopard. Sounds familiar.

Bellissima? Uh, Ossessione?

Senso!

Yeah. Sex films.

Uh, Lello? Hmm. Uh... Um...

Rocco e I suoi fratelli. Rocky and His Brothers.

- It's a boxing film. - Ah! Boxing! Boxing film.

Now we're getting somewhere.

- But have you seen it? - No.

Listen, Favuzzo.

I'm booked solid for the next ten years

doing blockbusters, and I'm writing my own film.

But anyway, listen. I'll give you my agent's number.

No, no.

And... yeah. Just call me.

- Right. - At some point.

Okay, uh, but... but...

- Oh, uh, Favuzzo. - Yeah?

Pleasure meeting you.

- America! - American.

Uh, good luck with your film.

- Thank you very much. - My pleasure.

Hmm. Art films. No. No. Not happening.

He doesn't know Luchino Visconti.

- Incredible. - Maurizio.

See if you can find me a copy of that Rocco movie.

You haven't written a page in four and a half days.

You wrote Spike in half that time.

Maurizio.

I need a break. Is there a town around here?

Yes, Mr. Nic.

All right. Let's... let's get out of here.

Ah. Where's the limo?

No limousines in Ischia, but we have a minivan instead.

Mm-hmm? Looks more like a skinny van.

Interesting.

"Torno s..."

I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW

"...sebati."

"Next Saturday."

"Torno subito." Subito not sabato.

It means "right away."

- Hmm. - You don't eat lunch in America?

Uh, well, I usually start

with breakfast and a piece of fruit.

Uh...

How'd... how'd you know I was American?

Only Americans wear boots in summer.

Hmm.

Interesting.

You don't know who I am.I... I really don't care.

- Unless you're a tourist. - Well, I played a tourist.

- Uh, in a film. - Hmm?

It was a character who spoiled a plot

to blow up Saint Peter's...

Uh, Nic Cassino.

Uh, you might recognize me from film and TV.

- Thanks. - Hmm.

Oh, yes. I've seen your posters.

But not the movies.

- They are too fantastic for me. - I guess they are.

Yeah, like a video game or a cartoon.

Not at all important.

What do you mean, uh, important?

I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW

Just curious.

I mean that important is like Visconti.

Like Rocco and His Brothers.

About two brothers who fight over a woman.

Do you know Visconti?

Yeah. Visconti. He did that, uh, boxing film.

With Rocky.

Yeah. I guess so.

What's got into you, bringing her here?

Pretty?

She's got goose bumps. She's pale, she's nothing.

Say that again, if you've got the guts.

Simone, stop!

You're my brother, I can't help that!

Couldn't you have thought of that before, that I was your brother?

You only think of that now 'cause you're scared.

No, I'm not scared.

No? Okay, come on, let me see.

Simone, you're crazy! Someone could come!

Out of my way!

Oh, Carla...

Sorry, Luigi.

Sorry, Luigi.

Thank you.

Thank you. Very nice. Thank you.

Lorella, wait.

Here is the Parmigiana recipe.

Thank you, that's so cute!

You're so kind.

Favuzzo speaking.

I have to... I...

What?

Who is it?

Who is it?

- Yeah? - Are you okay?

- Who is it? - Are you okay?

It's Nic Cassino!

He wants to do your film!

Exactly!

Yeah, yeah. Sure!

This is fantastic!

Don't... don't drink.

Don't drink too much! Hey. Come on.

Lello!

Sorry. Sorry again. Sorry.

Taxi!

Cut!

Fabrizio, is that you?

Come on!

Are you all right?

Yeah, come on.

And so, my friend. What brings you to Roma?

- Uh, I have a script. - Mm-hmm?

I have Nic Cassino. I need a producer.

Yeah. And I have the Johnny Depp, you know?

In the film I'm making in the back room.

Wait. Johnny!

Maestro, please tell us.

Hey. Nice work in there.

Thank you, master.

Well done.

Dino, when you told me

you were doing art films... DINO: No.

I thought... No, no. Stop. Stop.

Fabrizio, no. Not art films.

Hard films. Okay?

My friend, who goes to see art films? Come on.

Uh, and then again, what is an art film

if not a kind of soft hard film, huh?

But what happened to the ambitious producer

- and director? - Hmm.

We're going to revive the glory days

of Italian cinema.

Do you remember our first film? Cannes!

The Directors' Fortnight.

What happened to those dreams?

Venice? The Gold Lion?

Yeah. But Fabrizio,

now... now we are old lions. Hmm?

I'm sorry, my friend. I'm really sorry.

You can say no to me.

But let me see you say no to him.

Thank you! Thank you! Great!

My pleasure.

Come on. After you. Yes.

Are you kidding me?

That is the best body double I've ever seen.

Yeah! Si!

Si! Si!

Yeah! Great!

Morning.

Hi.

- If you wish, - you can also remove your hat. - Hmm?

The word in Ischia is you are no more than a lookalike.

- Huh. - Mm-hmm.

Gotta be careful of the sun.

Are you worried about more wrinkles?

Ah. Good one. I like that.

Fact is, a suntan is the kiss of death for an actor.

Especially when he's filming. Messes with continuity.

So, you are making a film on Ischia?

Yeah, uh, a script by Visconti.

Heard of him?

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

- Huh? - Uh...

Yeah, uh, anyway, my process, it's... it's complicated.

I like to familiarize myself with the environment.

Get to know the people, uh, and the settings.

Uh, I didn't want to say, but I'm a method actor.

- Method actor? - Mm-hmm.

If you want a tour, I recommend...

"Tour of the island."

Hmm. Sounds great. How do I get to see the island?

- Come with me. - Great! Let's do it!

Ischia was born from the sea

by a volcano shooting all the way

to the highest point.

Mount Epomeo, nearly 800 meters.

Hmm.

Not gonna get me up there. Nope.

The island is also divided into six communes,

each with its own mayor,

which is probably why nothing ever gets done. Hmm.

Ischia was once...

A paradise, a green island.

Para...

Paradise.

Paradiso. Paradiso. Paradiso.

Well, it's... it's still paradise.

Thanks.

Have you ever gone scuba diving?

Scuba diving? Yeah, in a film.

- In a pool with lifeguards. - Hmm?

If you really want to see Ischia,

the best place is underwater.

Underwater?

- Do you want? - Yeah.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Come on.

- Hey, how are you? - Sorry about that.

Sometimes I suffer from claustrophobia.

And, uh...

acrophobia, and thalassophobia.

- Uh, what is thalassophobia? - It's, uh, fear of the sea.

Oh, I'm so sorry! Why didn't you tell me?

I... I forgot.

- What's up with the bubbles? - Oh, carbon dioxide.

Uh, Ischia is a volcanic island

and the entire Bay of Naples is a sleeping super-volcano.

Um, when the bubbles rise, there is activity somewhere.

- Super-volcano? - Yeah.

Hmm.

Ah.

Fade in. Exterior, outer space.

Smash cut to...

A fiery asteroid is racing towards Earth

on a collision course with a super-volcano.

Hmm. Interesting.

Good morning, Nic.

Something to drink?

Coffee, cappuccino, aperitif?

- Yeah, uh, - the last one. Great. - Okay.

- Come with me. Come with me. - All right.

Uh, listen, Nic. We have informed the authorities

that we are using a sosia.

Body double. No one knows that you are you.

Only Fabrizio and I...

- and you know that you are you. - Right. Mm-hmm.

And I am Nello.

- Assistant director. - Nello, Nello.

I was expecting a larger crew.

Where is everyone?

No, no, no. Maestro Favuzzo prefers a small troupe

so as to adhere to the minimalistic principles

of the Dogma school, you know?

- Established by Lars von Trier. - Uh-huh.

Speaking of the, uh, maestro.

Yeah, Maestro Favuzzo. Um...

Fabrizio?

Papa?

Please!

Please help me!

Anybody?

I'm locked in!

Please! Help me!

Many of you have asked me,

"What is the film we are making?"

I will now tell you!

My film is a loose adaptation of Marcel Proust's masterpiece,

The Search for Lost Time.

AÀ la recherche du temps perdu

as envisioned by...

Luchino Visconti.

It is a story of captives and fugitives.

Of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Of past, present, and future! Of love...

and perversion.

For the role of Albertina,

the love interest,

we have my lovely and talented daughter, Ombretta.

And for the role of Marcello,

we have engaged the services

of the most capable actor from America who,

if he's not actually Nic Cassino,

is his long-lost twin.

Whoo!

Nic.

What's with the... the suitcase?

The suitcase.

The suitcase

is the accumulated baggage of your past,

that which we all carry.

Genius. Love it. Oh, uh...

- Yes? - The script.

There is no script.

Huh?

We improvise!

- Huh? - And action!

In this scene, Marcello has decided to return to Balbec,

on the seaside, with Albertina.

Here, grief at his grandmother's suffering

overwhelms him.

He ponders the intermittencies of the heart

and the ways of dealing with sad memories.

And so, without further adieu.

Slate!

Background...

- And action! - Wait, wait, wait.

- Cut, cut, cut. - Is there dialogue in this scene?

- Of course. - So where's the sound mixer?

There is none. We film now.

Later we dub the voices.

As in the European tradition.

Well, that's great, but for the cameras...

how do we use our mouths?

- Count. - Count?

Just count.

Background...

And action!

One.

Two.

Three.

- Four. - One.

Two. Three.

Five, six!

Six, seven.

Six, seven!

Eight.

Nine. Mamma mia!

And ten!

Cut, cut, cut!

No, no, no! You are overcounting!

I will not stand for overcounting on my set.

- No divas. - She was fantastic!

Too much! Again!

Seven was good.

Eight, so and so. Ten is too much! Please, again!

A film? Are you nuts?

How come I don't know anything about a film?

Uh, it's a... it's an art film, Jack,

by that acclaimed Italian director.

You know the guy, uh, uh... Fabrizio Fravuzzo.

He scored the rights to, uh,

Luchino Visconti's unfinished masterpiece.

The point is, we're gonna finish the unfinished masterpiece

and turn it into a masterpiece. Jack, I'm feeling...

I'm feeling rejuvenated, Jack.

The word is "senile." Did they even talk money?

I'll get it on the back end.

Let's hope you don't. What? Yeah. Uh...

Whatever. Um...

I'm exercising, I'm eating right.

Uh, I'm not drinking.

Fabrizio.

Is it true? There is no script?

There is and there isn't.

I have Visconti's shooting notes.

But, uh... But?

Only for half the film.

So how does it end?

Abruptly.

Abruptly? Si.

No! How do we finish the film?

Dino.

I will jump off that bridge

- when I come to it. - Uh.

Awesome, yes.

Until then, we have the great Nic Cassino.

Jack. Jack. Just... just relax, all right?

Just take it easy.

I got this, Jack. I got four words for you,

Nic Cassino is back!

- Mr. Nic! - Mr. Nic!

This scene is about involuntary memory...

This scene is about anxiety

and how it leads to manipulation.

Slate and action!

"Story by Nic Cassino. Untitled action film."

And this scene is about the nature of art

and how drunkenness affects perception.

Slate!

And... action!

Yes!

I'm back.

I'm back.

The great Nic Cassino.

- Beautiful place. - Oh, yes.

Is it true that you made love to five women at one time?

Physically impossible. No.

Then it was five women consecutively?

I'm more of a sprinter than an endurance guy.

Then it was one woman for five hours?

- I think that was Sting. - Uh...

- Where's my guys? - I can drive you home.

If you want.

We can go rehearse our scenes for tomorrow.

The... big screen kiss.

- Hmm? - The big screen kiss.

Ah. Yes.

Well, as an actor, I like to keep things fresh.

Maurizio.

Fire up the skinny van.

Bedtime for Bonzo.

See you tomorrow. Good night.

Marcello has been spending time with Albertina,

whom he now suspects of lesbianism,

then tells his mother he must marry Albertina.

Here our protagonists give way

to their sad and unconsummated love.

Background...

And... action!

Cut! Works for me.

- The gate is clean. - Okay, moving on.

No. Was not good for me.

I want another take.

- But we have to change location. - Was no good.

It, um, didn't, um...

feel true. One more take!

Okay, okay.

- One more, please. - One more take.

- Okay, one more. - All right.

Please. Thank you. One more. Again!

Okay.

Uh, what about, uh, continuity? Wasn't...

Doesn't matter. Okay? Okay.

Background...

And... action!

Hey! Relax!

What is she doing?

Relax!

Stop! Stop!

Relax, relax!

Cut! Cut, Dino! Cut!

Stop it!

The brakes!

The brakes!

Whoa!

No!

Stop!

Push harder!

The little fake saint!

Don't think about that.

It's okay. It's okay.

What the heck are you doing?

Hey, hey! Relax!

Mind your own business!

Did you jump on him?

Hey! Relax!

Mind your own business!

Take it easy, big fella. Just relax.

What the heck do you want? This idiot, this gorilla!

What'd you call me?

I said you are nothing more than an insensitive brute.

A punch-drunk gorilla.

Nello! No, no, no!

You shouldn't have said that to me!

- Easy, easy! - Shouldn't have said that to me!

You shouldn't have called me that!

Easy, calm down! Calm down.

I'm sorry.

Go away!

- - Do something! - I'm sorry!

Easy, easy!

What have you done?

- What are you doing? - Go away!

Are you okay? Are you okay?

My old man was the reason I got into acting.

My father. Capisce?

Oh. Father. Understand. Capisce. Father.

Where is he?

Over there.

What happened?

My dad, he was a...

He was a janitor. Smart.

Cultured.

Really cultured.

He couldn't read but he'd take us to the movies.

That was his library. Barely speak English.

He'd say, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no."

"If you can't feel it here,"

and it doesn't make you cry just... just a little...

"the words don't matter."

I was nine when he died.

I didn't cry at the funeral.

That's what my brother told me.

Said I didn't have a sensitive bone in my body.

That's when I took up fighting.

My brother was smart.

Really smart.

And kids used to beat up on him.

Tease him.

And I used to beat the livin' crap out of 'em.

We were close.

Nothin'... nothin' could get in between us.

Not... not love.

Certainly not love.

Zi Isidoro.

Luigi, I'm so sorry!

I didn't... I didn't mean to do...

I sent Zi Isidoro home to his wife.

Don't worry. Your secrets are safe.

He doesn't understand a word of English.

Carmela!

Two coffees, quick!

So, uh, what's your story anyway?

Why aren't you married or engaged?

Um...

My fiancé works on Costa Caribbean.

He is studying to become a captain.

- Hmm. - He has ambitions.

He has plans for his career.

Mm-hmm. But... but he doesn't have you.

We see each other when he comes back.

Here, it's normal.

- Mm-hmm? - In Ischia...

you either work in tourism or imbarcare... sail.

Mm-mm. My father was at sea when I was born.

And my mother raised us to be independent.

But I did miss my father.

Yeah.

Sometimes ships bring families together,

sometimes they keep them apart.

Hmm. Sounds familiar.

Except my ship's the Titanic and my wife's the iceberg.

Remember that scene

when the ship heaves out of the water,

and looks like a giant skyscraper,

and you got these tiny little people

that look like ants and they're falling into the abyss below?

Talk about a multiphobic ending.

For someone who has saved the world

from certain destruction so many times,

you... you have many phobias.

Yeah, I do. Lots.

But... you wanna know what my biggest fear is?

It's not...

Physical danger, real or imagined.

The scariest thing for me is...

not being taken seriously.

That's why I'm doing this film. To prove to the world I can act.

That I'm not some glorified meathead or...

some broken-down stuntman.

You know? It's impossible.

Because you are the great Nic Cassino.

No, seriously.

You are larger than life. You... you really are big.

Yeah, I guess. IMDb has me down at...

6'3. "I'm actually 6'2."

When I got to Hollywood, I was shocked.

The actors, they're kinda small.

Like, kinda like... Hmm?

Well, I don't wanna say, but kinda like jockeys.

- Jockeys? What? - Yeah. Like a... like a small person.

- Oh. - But not really.

It is...

Sorry.

Sorry.

Wow.

Mmm.

I guess all that training came in handy.

You write by hand?

Yeah.

Something about writing with a pencil

and a piece of paper that makes it more real.

Like a Michelangelo sketch.

So, you are creating a masterpiece.

I wouldn't say a masterpiece.

It's more of a... an apocalyptic disaster film.

End-of-the-world stuff.

Why do Americans like these kind of movies?

I don't know.

Maybe it gives them a sense of hope.

Like truth, justice, the American way.

Who said that?

Superman.

- Hollywood's first action hero. - Superman.

Around the world in a single bound.

Yeah.

What's your excuse?

For what?

Not flying around the world in a single bound?

Why didn't you, um, sail with your fiancé?

Giosy asked me to go with him.

I don't know why I didn't go.

Maybe I was scared.

Or maybe you didn't have a good enough reason.

Like a motivation.

- A motivation? - Yeah.

Every character needs a motivation

in order to move forward, to do great things.

Oh, like...

save the world?

Like salute."Save.""Save."

"Save... save."

- Save the world? - Save the world.

Again and again... And again.

And again... And again.

- And again. - And again.

And again.

Luigi!

What's happening? Oh.

Hi. Um...

Um...

I have a tour group this morning.

- Germans. Very punctual. - Ah.

Well, uh... I know you're busy today,

but you wanna maybe hang out tomorrow?

Come on set and see some real acting?

Um...

Maybe.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Man without values!

Peasant.

Without any shame!

Mafioso.

Ha!

I cannot hear you.

No?

Mafioso!

- Did you hear me now? - Who is the mafioso?

To you.

Say that again if you have the courage.

Mafioso.

- Mafioso to whom? - To you.

To me?

- Say that again! - Mafioso.

- And say that again! - Mafioso.

Mafioso? Don't do it again!

Stop!

We have a film to finish. No?

Yes, that's right!

And Ombretta?

The little saint... Shut up! We are better.

Women's problems, you know?

"Women's problems."

Good boy...

Nothing in the oven.

We are in the clear.

"Nothing in the oven!"

Nothing in the oven!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey! Whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa!

Hey, the cops!

Someone's called the cops.

Guys, guys.

From Rome.

The dailies!

The dailies!

The dailies, yeah. The dailies...

The great Nic Cassino!

Dailies! Nothing happened!

Wanna grab it?

The dailies!

- The dailies! - Yeah.

- Hmm. - Mm.

Dailies.

Not bad.

Hmm.

Wow.

Not bad, eh?

Genius.

Shame on you.

Poor Nello. Poor son of mine.

Lorella...

- Where is the cliff? - What?

- The cliff. - Come on.

It wasn't that bad.

What have you done?

Jack, it's me. Nic, where the hell have you been?

I've been trying to reach you all day.

I've been on set all day. Jack, you gotta get me out of here.

Why'd you call?

You won't believe what happened.

Brick Maxwell's in the hospital.

Some kind of intestinal infection.

He says it's from colonics,

but the word is it has more to do with a small rodent.

Anyway, kid, the part's yours.

- What part? - The Horseman.

They want you, Nic.

But you gotta get here right away.

They're filming already. How soon can you leave?

Nic?

So, Nic?

Are you sure?

I checked with Tonino at the port.

He rented a boat early this morning

for the mainland.

He's gone.

Gone?

Oh, no!

Fabrizio Favuzzo?

Depends.

I am here on behalf of the SIAE.

Società Italiana di Artisti e Editori.

I have an order to confiscate all film and pirated material.

And the manuscript?

Uh... What manuscript?

Visconti's manuscript.

Ah. I have no manuscript.

I have no script.

I have no actor.

I have no film.

No career.

No life insurance.

Banned?

Fabrizio's been blacklisted.

For copyright violation and infringement

of intellectual property rights.

Fabrizio.

Where are you going?

Where are you going, Fabrizio?

To the cliff!

Ah!

Ombretta!

Come on. Hey, hey!

Eat something!

No, water.

Angioletto, where is he?

Who?

Nic, the American.

He has gone back to Hollywood

and abandoned everyone.

What do you mean?

"The great Nic Cassino."

Nic Cassino was in this film?

Yes, you wish!

Unfortunately, he was just a sosia,

a body double.

The real Nic Cassino would never run away.

Oh! Ombretta.

Bye.

- Thank you. - Mm.

Bye.

Bye!

There is just one thing.

It is Lello or Nello?

What difference now?

And action!

Cut, cut, cut!

I know it's a lot to ask,

but could you just hit your mark and snarl?

Okay? We'll think about acting in post, right?

What's with the suitcase? What's with the suitcase?

Let's just say I found it

amidst the apocalyptic ruins

and I'm returning it to a needy family.

You're the Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse!

You're the Pale Rider, not the Pony Express!

You bring death and destruction, not lost luggage!

That's cold!

Is it too much to ask for a hot latte for Chrissake?

Damn it!

Nic! Honey!

The ATM morning show wants an exclusive interview!

Are you free tomorrow?

- I'll think about it. - Oh.

Papa?

Ombretta, please go outside.

I can't bear for you to watch me shoveling shit.

I just wanted to tell you that...

I'm not going back to school.

But why?

Let's face it.

I'm not an actress.

What's the point?

Well, there are many roles in film.

Perhaps you could direct, like your father, huh?

No, eh? What about Lello?

Please. Nello.

You were right, Papa.

Marry and buy cattle from your own town.

Nello was too jealous.

Possessive. Hotheaded.

I don't know.

I would be better with someone like you.

- Like me? - Yeah, you know.

Lukewarm.

Temperate. Stoic.

Able to deal with failure and disappointment.

Of course.

I almost forgot. Nello asked me to give you this.

He says it's rightfully yours.

I love you, Papa.

Me too.

A janitor...

Smart. Cultured.

Really cultured.

Couldn't read, but he'd take us to the movies.

That was his library. Barely could speak English.

Fabrizio...

You are awake?

I need to speak to you about something.

Listen...

If you want to separate, I understand.

After all, who wants to live with a failure.

But divorce is out of the question.

It's not for the money,

but I just wouldn't know how to tell Ombretta...

What are you saying?

What's come over you?

A divorce? A separation?

What do you mean by depression?

No, I just wanted to say

that for once in my life,

I was very proud of you.

The way you directed the great Nic Cassino.

I mean, how you persevered against all good reason,

with buon senso, sound judgment.

And your juvenile faith...

And sheer stubborn,

narrow-minded pigheadedness was...

Stop, stop, stop. You had me at "pigheaded."

Okay.

In any event,

I don't think you're a failure.

At least, not yet.

What do you mean, "not yet?"

You are only a failure

if you don't finish what you start.

But... how can I finish?

I have been banned from working in Italy ever again.

Blacklisted.

And who says that you have to finish this film in Italy?

Who says that?

Where did you get this?

I cashed in your life insurance policy.

But... I don't have a life insurance.

Really?

Good night.

Good night.

Francesca.

Can you grab me some ice and a wrap for my knee, please?

I gotta run down the street for some ice.

What the hell's in that thing anyway?

THE UP-AND-DOWN CAREER OF THE GENIUS FABRIZIO FAVUZZO

Hmm.

The accumulated baggage.

It was Favuzzo's all along.

Interesting.

And action!

Hey, hey. Pull over.

Pull up here.

- Carla. - Sorry.

- Nic! - Hey.

How are you?

- Good. How are you? - It's great to see you.

- Yeah, you too. - What are you doing? PA?

Yeah, right.

Um, I got a call from the film commission.

They asked me to cast us some extras

on an international film from Italy.

- Hmm. - Yeah.

Maybe you heard about it.

- Ah, yeah. Mm-hmm. - Quite a cast, don't you think?

Yeah, I do. It's, uh... Yeah.

I was... I was there for a film festival.

They asked me to do a couple of scenes.

I thought, "Hey, why not?" Just help 'em out.

Hmm. Hmm.

Uh, how's Luigi?

- Uh... He's good. - Good, good.

Anyway, I... I'm not feeling too good.

I'm on painkillers for my... my knee.

- So I gotta split. - Sure.

Anyway, it was... it was great seeing you.

You too. Yeah.

- Really good. - Oh.

All right.

- Take care. - Bye.

Please...

- Carla? - Hi, Nic.

- Come in. - Thank you.

- Uh, you want a drink? - Uh, sure.

- All right, um, take a seat. - Thank you.

- How's little Cosimo? - H e's getting big.

- He'll be nine in September. - Nine. Whoa.

And Luigi has a show opening.

And he's anxious as usual. You know Luigi.

Yeah. Well, that's good for him.

Luigi doesn't know I came.

But I told him about your work in Italy

and he was pretty impressed.

Impressed or embarrassed?

- Nic. - Well, he's always...

hated my acting.

You know how Luigi is.

It's kind of tough for him to admit your success.

I mean, you're his kid brother.

Yeah. I'm his kid brother. Hmm.

Used to call me Punchy the Gorilla.

Like that stuffed animal we had as kids.

But we were close. I had his back.

Until this... pretty girl comes along

and changes everything.

I lost my brother and my girl to one left hook.

If there's one punch I could take back,

it'd be that.

It wouldn't have mattered.

I still would have picked Luigi.

Nic...

I never thought you stupid or insensitive.

I just liked Luigi better.

Luigi gave this to little Cosimo on his third birthday

and kind of outgrown it.

I thought you might like to have it.

Punchy the Gorilla.

Nic, take care of yourself, okay?

Yeah. You too.

- Bye. - Bye.

Get a grip, Cassino.

- Who's there? - Luigi.

Nicky?

Is that you?

Yep.

What are you doing here?

Well, I was...

limpin' around the hood this morning

and I saw your name up in lights and...

I just thought...

Well, here's... here's a...

Do you wanna have a beer?

Fifteen years, huh?

Yeah. Just about.

It was 15 years this Carla and I finally tied the knot.

Yeah.

Sorry about that. I was...

I was in Vietnam doing a POW film.

- One of my better ones. - Yeah, yeah. I understand.

You were busy with your career.

You could have called, though.

Yeah. Well, I didn't get the invite till late.

The mail in Indochina...

Besides, I'm not the only one who doesn't reply to mail.

The amount of awards ceremonies I invited you to.

You never came.

Well, maybe... a personal invitation?

Instead of sending those stupid

gold-embossed invitations.

Yeah, well...

I was... Well... I guess I was embarrassed.

A knock on the door,

a personal invitation from your kid brother.

That's not embarrassing.

Getting beat up by your kid brother

in front of the woman he loves? Now, that's embarrassing.

Louie, that was 30 years ago.

You're never gonna forgive me for that, are you?

I mean, I know I haven't forgiven myself.

Ah, Nicky. Look, that wasn't it.

It wasn't?

You don't wanna hear it.

Yeah, I... I do wanna hear it.

- You wanna hear it? - Yeah, I wanna hear it.

It's 'cause you made it to the top

and you never even once threw down a line.

You could have helped me a bit.

You were in a position to do so, but you didn't.

You turned your back.

You turned your back and ran.

And you been running scared ever since.

You're right.

I did run.

Been running my whole life.

But I never turned my back on you.

I always wanted to help you.

Then why didn't you?

Lou... Hollywood, it's...

it's not like film school. It's not...

it's not like theater. It's not hugs and kisses.

It's tough.

They don't fight fair. It's like being a street fighter

without a corner to sit in.

It's... it's every man for himself.

So you don't think I could have made it?

Lou...

you can't possibly imagine the...

the humiliation, the shame, the embarrassment that these...

The fear that this town can... put on you.

They build you up and they take everything from you.

- Your pride, your soul... - your family.

You got a family. You got a beautiful family.

What do I got? I got a... fading career.

A fading face, fading fame. I mean, I'm a joke.

You got what you wanted.

I'm not so sure about that.

Well, what is it, Nicky?

Huh? What do you want?

What is this all about, huh?

I don't know. I'm... I'm confused.

Things used to be so simple.

Like...

when we went to the movies with Dad.

Remember?

I remember sitting next to him thinkin'...

he wants us up there on the big screen.

Not in the cheap seats.

Up there on the big screen, winning awards.

Oscars, Emmys, Tonys.

All that stuff.

- The movies. - Yeah.

That's when we were family. That's when we were brothers.

That's all he wanted. And that's all I want.

Cheers.

- To Dad. - To Dad.

It's Nic.

Oh, it's Nic!

Must have mixed up our luggage.

You left before I could claim it.

Hmm. Well, I came back to finish what we started.

Under one condition.

We shoot the final scene in Ischia.

At the highest peak of Mount Epomeo.

But there is no final scene.

There is no script. There never was.

- Only an opening. - Mm-hmm. Wait.

Right. Excuse the, uh, we've got a stain.

But we have no money for a sosia.

A stunt double. Who will do the scene?

I'll do it.

Are you sure?

You are no longer acrophobe?

Mmm. Cured.

Done.

Ah...

But you see...

I can't return to Italy.

I have been blacklisted. I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry to everyone! - Well, that's fine.

I have a great idea for a co-director. Hmm?

- Really? - Yeah, really.

But who will co-direct?

A super-volcano?

Super-volcano!

- Yes! - Yeah!

Nic Cassino is back!

Oh, God, that's it!

- "Tonno con me." - "Come back with me."

Did you write that all by yourself?

Actually, I had help with Isidoro.

Did you tell him you want to eat tuna with me?

Because that is what is written.

No, it's... it's the thought that counts.

You have a lot of nerve to show your face,

"the great Nic Cassino!"

Yeah, I've...

I've been sitting here for an hour and a half and...

no one's recognized me except this old lady...

No one recognized you because no one cares about you.

You're... you're a phony,

even if you are not a sosia.

Listen.

You have every right to... to be angry at me.

I ran away from you. I ran away from everyone.

Yes, you did.

Why?

I guess it's, uh... it's...

I had some character issues to resolve.

Uh, like a... like a backstory.

- Backstory? - No, please.

Every great character... Just listen to me.

Please. Every great character needs a backstory.

And in that backstory

are the things that make the character tick.

And sometimes,

you gotta go back and reset the clock.

- And did you? - Yeah. Uh...

Some stuff came up.

- A lot of stuff. - "Stuff, stuff"...

Yeah, stuff, you know...

- Ah. Good stuff or bad stuff? - Good, bad...

But... but you left.

You left.

You made people believe in you. That you were different.

That you were not just another celebrity tourist,

caring nothing for the mess you leave behind.

Look, I'm... No.

Why did you come back?

I came back for you.

No, I... I did.

I came back for you.

I came back for my motivation.

- Liar. - No, no

- No, yeah. - No.

No, I'm not lying.

I'm sorry.

Whoa.

- I'm strong? - Yeah.

- Very st... Yeah. - I know.

- Ow, that actually hurt. - Mm.

All right. Ow.

Right on the funny bone. No, not the funny bone, but...

Citizens of the world.

I stand before you today

as we face our gravest challenge.

As I speak, an asteroid the size of a small planet

hurtles through space directly at Mt. Vesuvius.

I ask the nations of the world

to unleash their nuclear weapons at the asteroid...

to destroy it before it destroys us.

May God be with us all.

Maestro...

With your permission.

And...

Action!

Marcello. They heard you. They listened.

They have sent their entire nuclear arsenals

to destroy the asteroid.

Marcello...

Do you know what that means?

It means the world's safe.

And the super-volcano can sleep for another million years.

No.

It means a new age of peace.

No more weapons. No more wars.

Marcello! Look! Another missile!

Time to save the world again.

I'm gettin' too old for this shit.

Marcello!

And finally, a clip from our last nominee.

Sorry, Luigi.

I'm so sorry!

And the winner for the Best Rip Your Heart Out Crying Scene...

from the first ever neorealistic action film...

It's my man, Nic Cassino!

Where's Papa?

Anybody?

Please!

Do something!

Please!

Excuse me!

The winner is in the toilet!