Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

Oh, thank God we made it on time!

Guys, guys, guys?

Team talk.

We're going to be late. Yes, I know. I just want to say...

..I know it's not ideal moving schools mid-term,

and I know you miss Chiswick, but it will be OK, OK?

Look, when I changed school when I was 13,

I didn't know a single person.

Within half a term I was voted the most popular girl ever.

How is that even possible?

Mummy's talking.

My point is I'm a people person.

And historically, our people are people people.

Literally any of those kids out there could be your new BFF.

OK, so you get out there,

and you find your people.

OK?

Hi, I'm Georgie. You all right?

No!

No. Not those people.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

You can't park here. I'm sorry?

No parking. Thank you. Thanks.

Thank you.

Hey, get back here, you. Mum!

Get off!

Look at the state of you, you monkey!

Have a lovely day, Darius. Anne!

I love you!

Oh, my God! I literally hate you.

Shut the front door.

Anne, look at you!

You off to a funeral?

No, I've got a work meeting at 9.30.

Yeah, course you have! Get in.

I'll drop you off.

OK...

So your Georgie and my Darius back in the same class again. Mmm.

Must be the end of days, you leaving Chiswick.

Oh, I'm done with W4.

I'm all about So-Ha.

Oh. What's So-Ha?

Oh, it's, erm...

It's what the property experts call South Harlesden.

Oh, so, like, that area around Wormwood Scrubs Prison?

Yeah, but it's called So-Ha.

There's So-Ha, No-Ha, Ea-Ha, We-Ha.

Aha.

SHE LAUGHS

I'm actually glad I took the kids out of private school.

They've got way more chance of getting into Oxbridge

from a bog-standard state.

Haycroft is fantastic. Yeah.

They've got a great STEM hub. OK.

And a rock choir.

And the torture scene from A Clockwork Orange

was filmed in the playground.

Yeah, I'm more of a book person, Anne.

Well, it's actually based on a book...

Gosh, it's so great to reconnect.

Yes! After all these years!

So great, yeah!

Cos we were worried about you there for a while,

what with your divorce, and your shop - sorry, store -

closing, and your falling out with your mammy. All right, Anne.

Don't you worry about lil' ol' me.

It's all good.

So what is the skinny with the school, please?

Are there any movers and shakers? Any fun mums?

Well, I'm here!

Yeah?

Erm, ah, I think someone's dad is a coroner, and, erm...

Oh, Morten's mammy Della, she runs that restaurant Shin,

and I think Tariq's dad... Wait, babe, back up. Shin?

Yeah, you know that place beside the megachurch

that used to be a Debenhams?

Yeah. I know Shin, Anne. Oh, yeah.

Their ossobuco is off...the charts.

Wow!

Key change. Are you and Della Fry bum chums?

Oh, God, no. No, no.

I sometimes see her at football

but she mostly keeps herself to herself.

What... Wait, wait. What football?

All our kids play for Hounslow Eagles.

Right. Hounslow... Eagles. ..Eagles. Yeah.

I'm afraid, Anne, I'm going to have to drop you here.

Oh, yeah, we're just nowhere near the station...

I'm sorry. I've barely got enough charge to get myself home.

Oh, yeah. OK.

'Tis the price I pay for going green. Yeah!

Oh, would you pop that in the bin on your way?

Yeah, of course.

Siri, nearest Sports Direct.

DOORBELL RINGS

Mal. Yep, me again.

Guess what I'm going to ask.

As you know, I need to park there to charge my car.

I'm sorry if my saving the planet annoys you.

It does annoy me. You block me in.

Can you move your car, please?

There's a charging point literally down the road.

Please don't mansplain.

That is not mansplaining.

Oh, so now you're mansplaining mansplaining?

I'm going to be late for football.

Hashtag Me Too!

That is not what Hashtag Me Too mea...

HE SIGHS Forget about it.

Georgie, Manus, we need to leave in five minutes!

What? The wi-fi's gone off!

DOORBELL RINGS Mum! No!

Turn it back on!

Oh! Darling, let me in before I get mugged.

What can I do for you, Mummy? We're going out.

I love how you've made your little house look so swishy.

I thought I'd bring you a little tuck parcel from Waitrose,

now that you've only got a Tesco Metro.

Little splash of wine, and some Earl Grey chocs for the children,

and goji berries for you.

Oh, well, that actually will be really nice in my bircher muesli.

You're still doing breakfast?

While I'm here, would you do up my brassiere?

Why can't Joy do it? That's what you pay her for.

Manus, Georgie, we're going!

I'm not talking to Joy.

Why you insisted I needed a PA, it's...

Mummy, Joy is your carer.

Oh, ridiculous! I'm perfectly capable.

Now just do up my bra and I'll be on my way.

Come on!

No, looser, looser.

OK.

Oh, look at you two, sporty bobs!

Kiss-kiss for Gan Gan.

Oh. I don't spend enough time with my little bears.

Well, Mummy, you could come with us to football.

God, no! Erm, do you mind if I use your loo?

I can let myself out.

But you're going to have to help me out of my Spanx.

Shoot!

Brilliant. Goal of the season, that.

Shut up! Yep.

Oh, hiya, Mal! You're very brave out here reffing this lot

in your shorts.

Well, no-one else wants to do it.

Plus I love being called a paedo for an hour and a half.

Yeah. Hey, Dad.

Hey!

You all right? How you doing, fella?

Ooh. Someone's discovered aftershave!

Oh, get off, man! LAUGHTER

Well, there he is!

The big man...in the short shorts!

I'd wear shorts like that nonstop if I had legs like yours.

How's the babby, JJ? Did Abs get that prolapse sorted?

Yeah, no, she's doing great. Thank you for asking.

Don't be tempted to go for the vaginal mesh, cos

jeez, it's a job getting that stuff out of there

once it's fused with your lining.

Y-yes, I will definitely pass that on.

So... HE CLEARS THROAT

..here's Ned's bag.

Abs told me to tell you his toothbrush needs charging.

Cool.

You heading off?

Ye... No, I thought I'd hang around,

watch a bit of the old footy.

Didn't know you were a fan of football.

Yeah, course! I love it, mate. Can't get enough of it.

In fact, if you need someone to be erm, one of the, ah, flag bearers...

They're desperate for someone to coach the Under-15s girls.

No, I... I don't think that...

I'll put your name down. Yeah.

Yeah, OK.

She made it.

Guys, you are going to love Amanda.

We're old mum chums from junior school.

Hi! Hello.

Hi.

Do you guys know each other?

Yeah, we're neighbours.

I live above him.

He's very much beneath me.

Hi, I'm JJ, Ned's step-dad.

Oh, sweet!

Is there a viewing deck or, like, somewhere inside to watch from?

Yes. There's a Bollinger Marquee just behind the men's bogs.

That's very funny.

He's joking. I know.

There was a gazebo but it got blown away in Storm Gerald.

Are you cold, Amanda? Would you like my dry robe?

I don't think so, Anne.

Actually, give me the dry robe.

Oh, yeah, sure, of course.

Listen, erm, me and some mum chums are going to sink some fizz later

if you fancy meeting the Anne gang?

You're more than welcome to join us too, Mal.

Oh, I can't tonight, Anne. I've got Ned this weekend.

I've got the Technics out - I'm going to give him

a crash course in some old school UK garage.

Well, that sounds horrific.

I'll definitely need to be out of the house.

It's a yes from me, Anne.

Oi, paedo!

Are we playing or what? MAL SIGHS

Oh. Phew!

She's talking to you. JJ LAUGHS

Right, wish me luck.

All right, come on, girls.

Let's get started. Oh, my God.

There she is.

Della Fry. Wow.

Did you read her piece in the Evening Standard?

They're opening another Shin in Kilburn.

Double Shin. Right. Yeah.

Oh, that's her wife, Fi.

Oh, wife.

So they're...

Oh, they're lesbians.

Oh, right, yes! Yeah, yeah. All right, Anne, yes!

I got it, yeah!

It's the 21st century.

There's no need to be so weird about it. OK.

How do I look?

Oh, like a butterfly from a chrysalis.

Oh, my God, where is she going?

Ugh! I left you in charge for one day, Diego.

It's just an escalope -

you're not splitting the bloody atom.

Oi! Yeah...

Get off the pitch!

Mm-hm, yep.

Argh!

Oh!

Ah... Hold on. It's OK, I'm fine.

I'm OK!

Here.

I'm fine!

Oh, look, honestly, I'm fine.

I'm fine. Thank you.

Oh...

Hi.

Hi. Your coat's fucked.

Are you all right, babe?

She's fine.

Oh, don't worry. It's, erm... It's last season.

I'm OK, everyone!

Mum, can we please go? I'm literally freezing.

Sure thing, baby.

OK, Della, we're going! We're going home. Erm...

Morten, where are you going?

You're supposed to be the goalie! She's freezing!

Oh, my God. Are you OK?

Yeah. Thank God Della was here to rescue me.

Oh. Oh!

God! Can everyone please stop kicking balls at my head?

Argh! Argh!

God. Mummy!

What the hell?!

Well, you were out, so I made a spot of lunch

and I thought I'd have a little siesta.

Please go home. Joy will be waiting for you.

Also, I need to get changed.

What for?

I'm having...

Erm, actually, you're right. It doesn't matter.

It's only drinks with Anne.

Well, I can look after the kiddy-winks for you.

No, it's fine. I'll be in and out.

It's just a drive-by dazzle, give Anne a boost.

Can you please get out of my bed?

Well, at least let me finish my wine.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, Bloody Joy.

First name, Kill.

She's a sociopath.

I've read about this. She's gaslighting me.

Mummy, please go home.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hey, what? Oh! DOOR OPENS

What now? You've blocked me in again.

Well, I thought you were staying in and playing your awful garage.

No, Ned's been invited to a party at Morten's

so I'm Uber-dad for the night.

Morten as in Della Fry's daughter? There's a party at her house?

Yeah. Our whole class is going.

Oh, hello!

Back inside, Mummy.

You're baby-sitting Manus.

Er?

DOOR CLOSES

HE SIGHS

Yeah.

These could be our people Georgie, all right? So just be cool.

PHONE RINGS

SHE SIGHS

Hi!

Hi. So you found us OK then, yeah?

Yeah. It was fine, thanks, Morten.

I love that top, BT Dubs.

Aw. "BT Dubs." That's cute.

Is your mum in? Your... Well, your mums.

Just cos I brought some flowers.

Yeah. Mums!

Fi! Oh, the other...

Yeah, yeah, I'm coming!

Hey! Hi!

Hi. Come in. You come in, Georgie.

Hey, you must be Fi. I'm Amanda.

I just wanted to give you these.

Well, Della. I don't know if she's...

Erm, something for saving my life.

Aw, aren't you a sweetheart? Do you want to come in?

Yes. Erm, I... Yeah, I'm sure I have time.

I might just actually get rid of these... Oh.

..first, though, cos Della fucking hates lilies.

Oh! 'Scuse the box.

That is my ceramic kiln.

Oh, do you potter?

Yeah, well that's the plan,

though I do need to get a non-flammable floor.

That'll teach me not to go on Amazon pissed.

AMANDA LAUGHS Come on in.

Hey, hi! Oh, look at you, sauteing away.

It's like watching The Bear.

Dels, babe, this is Manda, one of the mums from Morten's class.

She brought you these.

A-manda.

Yeah, there were some flowers in the flowers,

just to say thank you for being my hero at football!

Oh, yeah, you're the one who went arse over tit.

I know!

Yeah.

Classic!

Can I just say, I am such a big fan of your work.

You must get that a lot.

Yeah. I'm actually, like, a mega foodie myself.

I used to work front-of-house at Quo Vadis, in my 20s,

So, ah, I know my parfait from my brulee.

Yeah, well, they're very different foods.

Yes. Well, I... Yeah, I know. I know.

Do you fancy a drink, Mands? I'm just making a pisco sour.

Ooh, hells, yeah!

I'm absolutely loving your 'crib', by the way.

Aw, thank you. Yah, it's so bohemian but also, like, utilitarian.

What are you doing asking her for a drink?

I'm already cooking for 15 teenagers on my one night off.

I don't have the bandwidth for small talk.

Oh, come on, babe.

She's new, and I just think she's a bit lonely.

Georgie settled in OK at Haycroft?

Yeah. It's a great school. We love it.

It has a lot of problems.

Totally. But I mean we love it for its problems.

Apparently - if you're a film buff you'll like this - they shot

one of the scenes from A Chocolate Orange in the playground.

Yeah. Kind of cool. DOORBELL RINGS

Oh. Morten!

Oh, goodness. Doorbell!

God's sake. Morten?!

Morten!

Is that chimchiminee?

Chimichurri. Chimichurri.

Amanda introduced me, actually, to oats milk and face primer

and doing tricep dips using a kitchen chair.

Yeah! She must've got lost.

I'll just resend the What3words.

What harm?

So, ah...

Mattress.

Indigo.

Cattery. OK.

Great!

The master at work.

Della, would you mind if I got a quick pic for my socials?

I do mind, actually.

I respect that.

PHONE ALERT

Well, they scoffed all the hot dogs.

Oh, Fi, come and try this.

Off the knife,

just like the Catalonians.

Mmm.

That... Yeah?

..is insane, babe.

Mmm!

I'll have what she's having!

Just a little taste.

Ooh, lovely.

So amazing!

Oh... Wow.

That is some good cookery.

Are you in the restaurant game, Fi?

God, no.

I was in Fashion. Ah!

A stylist. Of course. Hello!

And interiors.

I actually designed this place.

Wow. What a power couple.

Mm, thanks.

Er...

Busted, little missy.

I see you, Morten!

It's cool. Right, Mums?

Oh, no. Put that back, Morten. Thank you.

You're 14 years old, guys.

Yeah, you never pair pork with Prosecco.

Ah, go with a light red...

Or hold on.

Yeah, a robust white, like this.

OK?

You know, I prefer them to be drinking here than on the streets.

Yeah, I trained in France, and I like their relaxed approach.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, me too, Della. I'm just the same.

I love their whole...

.."du pain, du vin, du Boursin" thang.

Yeah. Right, shutters down. Service is over.

I am ready for a hot tub, baby.

Mmm! We're going for a dip in the tubmerine, Mands, if you fancy?

Ah, she has no swimmers.

Well, she doesn't need any.

Erm...

La...

Skinny dipping?

No, I mean you can borrow some.

Oh!

I'm sorry, I hope you didn't think because you're both... Oh, no, no.

..together that I thought that you'd be... Not at all.

Sorry! That's so...

I don't know why I said that! LAUGHTER

I'd love to. Brilliant, yeah. Yeah, great. OK, not a problem!

Don't worry, darling. I'll just pop upstairs and get you some... OK.

You sit here, OK, darling? OK. Won't be a minute. OK, yeah, yeah.

I think I'm going to head.

We're off to Go Ape first thing.

Ah, yeah. You'll get to meet Amanda another time.

Bye. Yeah.

Ah!

SHE GULPS LOUDLY

Mal! Oh, God.

Hello!

SHE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY What about your lads night-in?

Well, Ned's gone to a party, so you know.

I've all that still to come, sure.

Darius is still only little, you know?

I left him at home watching Gladiators,

snuggled up with Mr Blanky! MAL LAUGHS

Yeah, I can't really complain.

If I had the choice between chirpsing girls

and watching my dad boil pasta, I know what I'd choose.

Yeah. I know what I'd choose!

PHONE VIBRATES

Oh!

It's Amanda. I knew she'd come!

Hello!

Oh, hey, Anne.

SHE COUGHS Oh.

Are you OK, Amanda?

No, erm, I'm not feeling great, actually, Anne.

I lay down for a nap and I've literally just woken up.

You do sound a bit awful. Yeah.

Can I bring you anything? Olbas oil?

I think I'm just going to stay in bed, Anne.

I'm just so gutted to miss your little gathering.

OK. Well, ah, bye, Amanda.

You rest up now.

Bye, Anne.

Manda, are you coming in or what?

Yeah, coming Fi!

Oh, God. This is so nice.

It's so fresh.

You can't even smell the chlorine.

That's cos I don't use chlorine.

I actually did a homeopathy diploma a few years ago.

Don't believe in chemicals.

Right.

Yeah.

Tell that to the MRSA.

CHANTING

CHEERING

Oh, gosh, do you think we should go and check what the kids are up to?

No.

Ah, there she is. Oh, there she is - get in!

Let's get this party started. Get in!

Fi, put it in zen mode.

Yeah. Ah.

Fabulous. Oh, that's nice.

Ah.

PHONE RINGS

Oh! God, sorry.

Sorry, sorry, sorry!

You all right, babe?

Yeah, sorry, it's Mummy's carer.

Hired her to take the pressure off me and now I'm managing

both of them. Sorry.

You don't need to hear any of that.

Della went through all that recently with her mum.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

It's brutal.

Damn straight.

Would you like some mushrooms?

Yeah. Yeah?

Sure, yeah. Thank you, Della. I love mushrooms.

Although I'm going to go out on a limb - I'm not a big fan

of truffle oil.

I think once Cafe Rouge starts putting it on its chips

it sort of loses its draw a bit.

No, no. Magic mushrooms.

Della makes them with chocolate.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Cool. Cool.

Cool. Hmm?

Oh, a nice big bit.

Yeah. Let's get back on the bubbles!

LAUGHTER

Yes, mate! Now it's my night off!

Now! Yes, mate.

Woohoo!

Woo!

Waaaaaay! Ooo-ah!

Take him down! Take him down!

Oh! Josh, can you hear me?

You go down the gulley.

He's locked in! Manus?

Manus, darling? Is he dead? Manus, darling!

Ah, one sec, Josh.

Who are you talking to?

My friend Josh.

As long as you're not being groomed, darling.

Do you want a go?

Not with this wrist, kiddo.

Busted it shucking oysters.

Mummy says it's osteoarthritis and you're only going to get worse.

Oh, does she?

DOORBELL

Mrs Sanderson?

Oh, it's bloody Joy! She's found me.

Shall I open the door?

Absolutely not.

Turn off the light!

Mrs Sanderson? Are you in there?

She's like the Terminator.

Is she trying to kill you?

Good as.

You know, she won't let me have a drink until five.

Yeah!

THEY LAUGH

KIDS CHANT

Yeah.

SCREAMING Oh!

Christ! Ahhh...

Should we... Do you think we should see if the kids are all right?

No, it's fine.

The shit we got up to when we were their age...

We'd have been necking Buckfast.

The old demon Ribena!

GLASS SMASHING

CHEERING

I'm just going to nip to the loo.

Mushrooms'll do that to you, Mands.

INDISTINCT SHOUTING

DANCE MUSIC

BALLOON POPS Oh!

Georgie.

Oh, my God. Why are you here?!

Georgie, we're going.

Bye.

Why are you in a dressing gown?

Because I was in the hot tub.

Gross. Grab your shoes. I'll get my knickers.

Oh, my God!

Is that...Anne's little boy?

Uh-huh.

What have you been drinking, Darius?

Something called Ar...mag-nack?

Armagnac. The G is silent.

Darius?

Is this your phone?

Yeah.

Call Anne. Call his mum.

Can't you? No, because...

It doesn't matter. Just say that Darius needs

to go home, and I will tell Della and Fi we're leaving.

Do you want some water?

Nooo...

There's Ned, when he was two.

Lickle fatty bom bom!

He used to snuggle into bed between me and Abs. Aw.

Oh, yeah, sure, Darius still does that.

Oh, look, there's Darius.

In his little helmet!

For his rhombus-shaped head. MAL CHUCKLES

And those are... Oh, God!

MAL LAUGHS

I didn't see anything!

No, no, no, those are for the dermatologist,

just to check that the moles on my chest haven't grown.

I didn't see.

PHONE ALERT

Oh, Darius.

Hello, bunny.

What?

PHONE RINGS

Hey, Anne.

Don't panic, but this is a nightmare. I've just had a call,

and something awful has happened at Fi and Della's house.

Oh, goodness.

Yeah. All the children are there!

I don't know how they got there, but they're all there.

So I've called all the other parents,

and, ah, I'll get Georgie for you.

Anne, no! N-no need.

Hey, guys. Erm, I'm actually going to have to bust a move.

I know - boo! But thank you so much for such a terrific evening.

Aw, no, don't be a pooper, Mands! Safe travels!

Oh, I know.

Ah, guys, there's some parents here

and they're acting really fucking hectic.

INDISTINCT VOICES

It's my one night off!

Oh, for fuck's sake! Where's the towel?

Babe? Huh?

I'm really coming up. SHE LAUGHS

Georgie, meet me by the car.

Morten said I could sleep over and everything. Sh!

Get in the car!

BEEPING Oh, bloody thing!

Right.

I'll just charge it for a minute. Don't move.

Oh, God... Get down!

Darius? Darius!

You all right, Ned?

He... He is. I've checked.

No signs of intoxication.

Darius?

Oh, Darius, my baby!

That smells like Christmas.

Has he been drinking Arm-ag-nack?

FI LAUGHS WILDLY

I warned you about alcohol. I showed you that video of David Hasselhoff

eating a burger off the floor.

Shut up! Just go away.

Where did you even get it? Was it Lidl?!

FI CONTINUES LAUGHING What is so funny?

Sorry. Nothing!

Look, I just gave them a few bottles from the cellar.

It's no big deal.

"No big deal"? No. It's a very big deal.

They're 15 years of age, for Christ's sakes.

Yeah. They're 15 years of age. I don't like your attitude.

I don't like YOUR attitude. FI LAUGHS

Oh, sh! You should have told us! No-one told us there would be booze.

Are you all right there, Amanda?

Oh, the poor thing.

Look, you've made her come in all the way from her sick bed in So-Ha.

What?

I'm in and out, Anne. I don't want to give you my lurgy.

Just giving my car a quick juice.

You know what, Amanda, it's worse than we thought

because Della gave booze to our children.

Oh, grow up. Hmm!

Oh, that is not cool.

What do you mean? You said it was fine!

Huh? Have you been here all evening?

No. Well, I mean...

..I was en route to see you.

You were balls-deep in our jacuzzi up till five minutes ago.

ANNE GASPS

All right, calm down.

You lied to me.

Hey, Anne, while you were sinking Chablis in the pub,

I was saving your child.

I was saving all your children. I literally waded through vomit.

Was this after you'd dragged yourself out of the jacuzzi or...

All right! Everybody, please leave my house.

Thank you, Della.

No, especially you.

You know what?

Forget it. I'm out.

Come on. All right, come on, big man. Come on.

I came here tonight to find my people.

Well, the people have spoken,

and they have said, "We are very...

"..not very nice people."

OK, everybody, get out!

I'm serious this time. Yes, yes, we're going. Clear off!

BEEPING

Oh...

Eff my life!

Let that be a lesson to you, you silly billy.

If you have come to rub it in, Anne...

Do you want to lift?

Sorry you had to come and get me.

That's all right.

I like doing boring dad stuff.

I miss it. You hungry?

Yeah. Them hot dogs were disgusting.

You're on sick bowl duty.

Yup.

All right, who's ready to rave?

Skankin' by Tai Jason

RETCHING Oh, God!

Hello?

Mummy? Manus?

Quick! Shut the door before she sees us!

Who?

Hello? Mrs Sanderson? Oh...

I've come to take you home.

Oh, well done.