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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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Why are you so jumpy?
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I haven't been to church
in years. .
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God's gonna smite me. .
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We're dedicating this church
as a historic landmark. .
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So deal with it, sinner boy. .
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This is important to the mayor. .
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Can't we just slap a plaque
on this sucker and bolt? .
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I can't sit in the front row.
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I don't know the routine. .
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Me neither. .
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Let's make a run for it. .
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Just follow my lead. .
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Welcome. .
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Let us begin
with the responsorial. .
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Lord, look upon us with mercy. .
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We pray for our loved ones
who have passed on. .
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We pray for our great mayor. .
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Dropped the rule book. .
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So you're Angie,
the new assistant.
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I was wondering
if anyone's told you
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about the traditional
new-employee bubble bath. .
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Not yet,
but I assume you're involved. .
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Well, I am the bath master. .
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Good morning, Angie.
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I see you've met Stewart. .
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And don't think the tie
goes with that desk. .
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Let's start. We got a lot
to talk about today. .
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Could we talk about
the new girl?
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I think she's a keeper. .
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As you all know,
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the mayor had a few problems
at yesterday's church service,
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including asking the priest,
"what's a guy like you make?"
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$32,500.
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In two weeks,
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the mayor's attending a mass
with the new bishop,
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and he needs a religious
refresher course.
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I can help. .
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No, you can't. .
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Why not? You're evil. .
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Right.
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I sing
with the gay men's choir. .
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We play some church gigs. .
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Can anyone beat
the gay singing thing? .
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My wife, Claudia, teaches
religion at a catholic school. .
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The nuns just love her. .
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Let's use Paul's idea.
Schedule it for 1:00.
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1:00's no good for you. .
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Hey, good morning. .
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Blind man walking. .
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Can someone help me? .
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Yes, sir, I can help. .
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You must be here
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for the coalition
for the visually impaired
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sight challenge conference. .
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What tipped you off? .
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Hello! .
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My name is Paul.
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I'm blind... .
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Not deaf. .
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He pushed me. Hey. .
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You want some of this? .
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Come here! .
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What's going on?! .
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Sorry, he started it! .
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I am so sorry about this.
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I hope there's some way
I could make it up to you.
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I don't know.
I'm pretty shaken up. .
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How about a little lunch,
get to know each other? .
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Well,
I'm kind of seeing someone. .
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What's that, a joke...
seeing someone? .
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It's just one date. Come on. .
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Okay, okay, I'll do it. .
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Great! And, really,
how often do you get to go out
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"with a 6'4" blind guy? .
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Hey, Nancy boy,
take me to the snack room. .
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Today we have a special treat. .
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The mayor and the deputy mayor
are joining our class. .
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We're going to learn the story
of Jonah and the whale. .
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Mrs. lassiter,
how do whales breathe? .
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That's a very good question. .
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Through their blowholes. .
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Mr. mayor... .
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Is there something you'd like
to share with the class? .
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No. .
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What's a blowhole?
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Charlie, shut your blowhole. .
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Children, please. .
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We are already behind
the other classes. .
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What kind of a whale was it? .
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Humpback. .
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Please stop it.
"Humpback" is not funny! .
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Ooh, you're in trouble. .
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Am not. .
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So... .
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How was your blind date? .
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Ha! .
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He's had to go to the bathroom
for an hour,
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but he didn't want to miss out
on saying that to you. .
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So, how was it? .
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He forgot about some meeting
and he left early. .
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So you're off the hook. .
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Come on, how often
do you get to go out
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"with a 6'4" blind guy? .
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Ned? .
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Uh-oh, meet me
in the snack room. .
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What's going on here? .
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You beg me
to go to lunch with you,
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and then you lied
and blew me off? .
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It's nothing personal. .
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It's just, you know, you, uh... .
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You weren't fun. .
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Sorry, toots. .
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Oh, yeah? .
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Well, you're only 5'6"!
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Caitlin, he's blind! .
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Oh, yeah. .
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And you're blind! .
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Thanks, Carter. .
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Could I talk to you
for a minute? .
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Sure. Pull up any tiny chair. .
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The mayor and I are really sorry
about what happened today.
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I guess religion makes us
a little nervous.
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I hope you're not too upset. .
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So we're cool? .
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Don't cry. .
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Help!
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I'm a terrible teacher.
I should quit. .
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With kids like me and the mayor
in your class,
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you don't stand a chance. .
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We're bad apples. .
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How about a drink? .
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Wa-wa watermelon? .
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Cr-r-r-r-azy kiwi? .
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It's just, you know,
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all my life I wanted
to serve the church
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and help people,
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and even if I could reach
one person, I'd feel fulfilled,
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but I can't even do that! .
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What are you talking about? .
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You've helped me. .
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How? .
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Before today,
it's like religion is here
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and I'm here. .
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And after your class,
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religion's still here,
but now...
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I'm here. .
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And that's all you. .
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You're just saying that.
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Claudia, seeing how dedicated
you are is inspiring. .
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You obviously have a calling. .
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If teaching isn't right
for you in the church,
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try something else. .
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Maybe altar lady. .
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Thank you, Charlie. .
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That's really sweet. .
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The mayor
wanted me to assure you
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that he's learned his lesson. .
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Hello, Charlie, this is God. .
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The mayor wants to go home now.
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Stewart,
my trip to church yesterday
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got me thinking
about spirituality,
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and I realize that, well... .
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I don't have any. .
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And at this point in my life,
I need to believe in something. .
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Golf isn't enough? .
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And I need someone
to help me on that journey. .
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So let me ask you,
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do you ever wonder
what it's all about? .
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No. .
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Do you ever wonder
if we were put here
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for some divine purpose? .
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No. .
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Do you ever wonder what
lies in store for our spirit,
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our eternal soul,
on the other side? .
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No. .
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Then you're my man. .
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I need someone totally unbiased
to help me select a religion. .
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Now, I've set up interviews
with representatives
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from the big 10 faiths
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to see if I can connect
with any of them. .
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Ah, I think our 2:00 is here.
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I can't believe I got dumped!
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Caitlin, why are you
obsessing over this? .
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If he could see
what you look like,
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he wouldn't have dumped you. .
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That's the whole point.
For the first time in my life,
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a man is judging me
solely on my personality,
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and the verdict is in...
I'm not fun! .
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You're overreacting. .
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Don't you see?
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I've always gotten by
on my looks. .
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Take them away,
I'm one big dud. .
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Well,
I can certainly empathize. .
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Often I found my own good looks
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act more like an anchor
than a sail. .
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00:10:02,467 --> 00:10:05,400
What? .
197
00:10:05,434 --> 00:10:07,000
Hey... .
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00:10:07,033 --> 00:10:09,167
Would you date me
if I weren't attractive? .
199
00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:13,067
Is this like, "do these jeans
make my ass look fat?" .
200
00:10:16,601 --> 00:10:20,067
Because I always
get that one wrong. .
201
00:10:24,100 --> 00:10:26,701
Hey, Paul, what's happening?
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00:10:26,734 --> 00:10:29,601
I just had a long conversation
with Claudia. .
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00:10:29,634 --> 00:10:32,601
Apparently, Charlie gave her
quite a pep talk.
204
00:10:32,634 --> 00:10:35,100
I just helped her realize
what's important.
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I think I'm pretty good
at motivating people. .
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00:10:37,734 --> 00:10:40,467
She's leaving me. .
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00:10:40,501 --> 00:10:44,100
She wants to become a nun. .
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00:10:47,667 --> 00:10:50,367
I overshot that one.
209
00:10:53,868 --> 00:10:55,968
Stuart, what the hell
is going on?
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00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,834
I heard you're leaving at 4:30
this morning.
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00:10:58,868 --> 00:11:01,767
Caitlin got dumped
by a blind guy,
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00:11:01,801 --> 00:11:05,434
and Paul's wife
is becoming a nun. .
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00:11:05,467 --> 00:11:07,701
This is a big day for me. .
214
00:11:09,767 --> 00:11:12,400
Guess where I've been?
215
00:11:12,434 --> 00:11:15,634
I don't know, but I hope it
involves drinking and a dare. .
216
00:11:15,667 --> 00:11:18,234
Come on, suspenders are fun. .
217
00:11:18,267 --> 00:11:20,601
All fun people wear 'em. .
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00:11:20,634 --> 00:11:23,100
From now on, when people hear
"Caitlin Moore,"
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00:11:23,133 --> 00:11:26,300
I want them to think,
"Caitlin Moore fun." .
220
00:11:26,334 --> 00:11:29,267
Hey, Paul, check 'em out. .
221
00:11:29,300 --> 00:11:31,367
Hey! .
222
00:11:33,133 --> 00:11:36,467
What do you think
of these babies? .
223
00:11:36,501 --> 00:11:39,067
Sorry, Caitlin, I'm a leg man. .
224
00:11:43,334 --> 00:11:45,701
So, how are things
with Claudia? .
225
00:11:45,734 --> 00:11:47,767
She slept at her mother's
last night
226
00:11:47,801 --> 00:11:50,968
because she didn't want to be
tempted by the marital bed. .
227
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:54,033
Why, who was in it? .
228
00:11:55,133 --> 00:11:56,467
Hey, Paul. .
229
00:11:56,501 --> 00:11:58,200
Don't you "hey, Paul" me.
230
00:11:58,234 --> 00:12:00,934
I'm sorry, Claudia was crying
and I had to say something.
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00:12:00,968 --> 00:12:02,868
I never meant for her
to become a nun. .
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00:12:02,901 --> 00:12:05,968
Don't you "look, I'm sorry,
but Claudia was crying "
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00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:07,667
"and I had to say something,
234
00:12:07,701 --> 00:12:10,300
"I never meant for her
to become a nun" me. .
235
00:12:10,334 --> 00:12:12,100
You think it's possible
that Claudia
236
00:12:12,133 --> 00:12:13,868
could have been thinking
about this? .
237
00:12:13,901 --> 00:12:17,601
But if he hadn't talked to her,
she would've repressed it,
238
00:12:17,634 --> 00:12:20,701
led a life of quiet desperation
like we all do. .
239
00:12:20,734 --> 00:12:23,601
You think I don't have
fantasies, huh?
240
00:12:23,634 --> 00:12:25,234
I'd like to fly to London,
241
00:12:25,267 --> 00:12:27,901
take Elizabeth Hurley
up to my hotel room,
242
00:12:27,934 --> 00:12:30,100
get her autograph...
but I don't. .
243
00:12:30,133 --> 00:12:34,767
You do realize in a fantasy
you can do whatever you want? .
244
00:12:36,100 --> 00:12:39,467
So, rabbi elder, tell me... .
245
00:12:39,501 --> 00:12:41,100
In the Jewish religion,
246
00:12:41,133 --> 00:12:44,100
what would a person have to do
to warrant going to hell? .
247
00:12:44,133 --> 00:12:47,267
The torah contains a set
of moral codes for this life. .
248
00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:48,801
We don't believe in hell. .
249
00:12:50,467 --> 00:12:51,734
Nice.
250
00:12:54,667 --> 00:12:56,100
Paul, eventually,
251
00:12:56,133 --> 00:12:58,067
you're gonna
have to talk to me.
252
00:12:58,100 --> 00:13:01,267
I'm afraid to. I might get
the urge to become a priest. .
253
00:13:01,300 --> 00:13:03,100
Oh, I should've expected this.
254
00:13:03,133 --> 00:13:06,033
I've always had bad luck
with women. .
255
00:13:06,067 --> 00:13:09,067
It's like the girl
I took to the prom. .
256
00:13:09,100 --> 00:13:10,734
She became a lesbian. .
257
00:13:10,767 --> 00:13:13,834
Sometimes later on life,
people change. .
258
00:13:13,868 --> 00:13:16,367
It happened
during a slow dance. .
259
00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:18,334
Don't get down on yourself. .
260
00:13:18,367 --> 00:13:20,000
When I was in college,
261
00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:23,000
my girlfriend was attracted
to another woman, and...
262
00:13:23,033 --> 00:13:26,434
oh, wait,
that was for my birthday. .
263
00:13:26,467 --> 00:13:29,100
Look, Paul,
you've got to talk to Claudia. .
264
00:13:29,133 --> 00:13:31,567
You gotta fight
to save your marriage. .
265
00:13:31,601 --> 00:13:33,534
There's nothing I can do. .
266
00:13:33,567 --> 00:13:36,667
There are so many great things
about being married. .
267
00:13:38,033 --> 00:13:40,767
I have no idea what they are.
268
00:13:40,801 --> 00:13:44,300
I'm not gonna wait around
for Claudia to make a decision.
269
00:13:44,334 --> 00:13:47,968
I'm gonna hit the town tonight
with the wildest guy I know.
270
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:50,801
I have this sick feeling
in my stomach
271
00:13:50,834 --> 00:13:52,834
that you're talking about me. .
272
00:13:52,868 --> 00:13:54,334
You and me. .
273
00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:57,334
We're gonna put on our best
members only jackets,
274
00:13:57,367 --> 00:14:00,067
practice our moonwalks,
275
00:14:00,100 --> 00:14:03,434
and ride the mechanical bull. .
276
00:14:03,467 --> 00:14:04,834
Okay.
277
00:14:04,868 --> 00:14:09,000
I'll pick you up in 1982.
278
00:14:09,033 --> 00:14:11,868
Charlie, why did Paul
just ask me
279
00:14:11,901 --> 00:14:14,033
if he could "bum a condom"?
280
00:14:14,067 --> 00:14:17,200
I thought you were gonna tell
him to go back to Claudia.
281
00:14:17,234 --> 00:14:19,167
I tried, but now, apparently,
282
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:21,834
I'm the charter member
of his posse. .
283
00:14:21,868 --> 00:14:23,400
What are you gonna do?
284
00:14:23,434 --> 00:14:26,167
I'm gonna show him
the worst time of his life. .
285
00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:28,868
By 10:00, he'll be banging
on Claudia's door.
286
00:14:28,901 --> 00:14:31,367
Charlie, you can't help
having a good time. .
287
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:32,834
Good times just find you. .
288
00:14:32,868 --> 00:14:35,334
If you're talking about
the wet t-shirt contest,
289
00:14:35,367 --> 00:14:37,200
those things happen
all the time. .
290
00:14:37,234 --> 00:14:40,934
Not at the dmv. .
291
00:14:40,968 --> 00:14:43,901
Oh, I'm glad
you took those things off.
292
00:14:43,934 --> 00:14:46,901
I found something
that's even more fun. .
293
00:14:46,934 --> 00:14:48,434
Bring her in, boys! .
294
00:14:48,467 --> 00:14:50,601
Everybody, gather 'round!
295
00:14:50,634 --> 00:14:52,667
I have got fun on a bun! .
296
00:14:52,701 --> 00:14:54,868
Isn't it a kick?
297
00:14:54,901 --> 00:14:57,334
10 pounds of ham
is not a good time. .
298
00:14:57,367 --> 00:14:59,200
It's prosciutto. .
299
00:14:59,234 --> 00:15:02,701
Ah, prosciutto... the fun meat. .
300
00:15:02,734 --> 00:15:05,567
Mr. mayor, have some hoagie! .
301
00:15:05,601 --> 00:15:07,801
No can-do on the ham.
302
00:15:07,834 --> 00:15:12,701
I may be Jewish and/or Muslim
by the end of the day. .
303
00:15:18,467 --> 00:15:20,334
Whoa. This stuff goes
right to your head. .
304
00:15:20,367 --> 00:15:21,767
What is it? .
305
00:15:21,801 --> 00:15:23,968
Light beer. .
306
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:27,234
So, Paul, you see
what I'm talking about? .
307
00:15:27,267 --> 00:15:31,133
This is what single life
is like every night. .
308
00:15:31,167 --> 00:15:33,501
It's not like in the movies. .
309
00:15:33,534 --> 00:15:35,968
It's a sad, lonely existence. .
310
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,734
Sure, occasionally, a dozen
or so attractive women
311
00:15:43,767 --> 00:15:46,200
will cross your path,
but it's just a tease,
312
00:15:46,234 --> 00:15:48,567
a painful reminder
of what you can't have.
313
00:15:48,601 --> 00:15:51,234
Charlie Crawford.
314
00:15:53,901 --> 00:15:57,334
I'm with the bachelorette party
and I'm a little tipsy. .
315
00:15:57,367 --> 00:15:59,033
This is my friend Paul. .
316
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:08,100
After this party wraps up,
317
00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:12,133
I'm having a small party
back at my place... very small. .
318
00:16:12,167 --> 00:16:14,467
Can you come by?
319
00:16:14,501 --> 00:16:17,567
I can't talk right now. .
320
00:16:17,601 --> 00:16:20,000
And yes. .
321
00:16:20,033 --> 00:16:21,767
See you later, Charlie. .
322
00:16:21,801 --> 00:16:23,234
Bye, Paul. .
323
00:16:23,267 --> 00:16:26,567
Bye, Paul. .
324
00:16:26,601 --> 00:16:28,234
Okay, sure, it seems fun,
325
00:16:28,267 --> 00:16:31,567
but you go broke hanging out
with these women for one night. .
326
00:16:31,601 --> 00:16:33,234
The bar tab alone...
327
00:16:33,267 --> 00:16:34,767
my daughter just had a baby! .
328
00:16:34,801 --> 00:16:37,334
Drinks are on the house! .
329
00:16:37,367 --> 00:16:38,968
All right! Yeah!
330
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:41,334
Paul, Paul, stay with me. .
331
00:16:41,367 --> 00:16:44,400
Sometimes there are hot babes
and the drinks are free,
332
00:16:44,434 --> 00:16:47,300
but trust me, this is as good
as it will ever get. .
333
00:16:47,334 --> 00:16:50,434
Do you and your friend want
to judge a wet t-shirt contest? .
334
00:16:52,434 --> 00:16:56,801
It's the dmv all over again.
335
00:17:00,267 --> 00:17:04,834
Caitlin, did you
silly-string my office? .
336
00:17:04,868 --> 00:17:07,400
Let me guess...
it wasn't silly? .
337
00:17:07,434 --> 00:17:10,367
This is insane. Who cares
about that idiot's opinion?
338
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:11,767
I think you're great. .
339
00:17:11,801 --> 00:17:14,300
It doesn't make any difference
what you look like,
340
00:17:14,334 --> 00:17:16,234
except for those earrings
yesterday. .
341
00:17:16,267 --> 00:17:18,367
They made you
look like a hooker. .
342
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:20,934
My point is, you don't need
to change a thing. .
343
00:17:20,968 --> 00:17:22,434
Thanks, Carter. .
344
00:17:22,467 --> 00:17:24,534
You're right.
What was I thinking? .
345
00:17:24,567 --> 00:17:27,267
Your opinion matters more
than some stranger's. .
346
00:17:28,634 --> 00:17:29,868
Hey, ned! .
347
00:17:29,901 --> 00:17:31,400
What? .
348
00:17:31,434 --> 00:17:33,000
You know what?
349
00:17:33,033 --> 00:17:36,367
I am sick of worrying about you
and your stupid opinions. .
350
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:39,000
You're wrong because I am fun.
351
00:17:39,033 --> 00:17:41,567
I didn't mean you weren't fun.
352
00:17:41,601 --> 00:17:43,667
I meant you weren't fun. .
353
00:17:43,701 --> 00:17:45,434
You didn't put out. .
354
00:17:45,467 --> 00:17:49,467
You expected me to put out
at lunch?
355
00:17:49,501 --> 00:17:52,300
I'm blind,
I don't have a lot of time. .
356
00:17:52,334 --> 00:17:54,334
You can't see.
You're not dying. .
357
00:17:54,367 --> 00:17:58,200
When you lose your sight,
other senses are heightened. .
358
00:18:00,534 --> 00:18:02,400
Horny is not a sense!
359
00:18:02,434 --> 00:18:03,801
Caitlin...
360
00:18:03,834 --> 00:18:05,501
I'm way ahead of you, Carter. .
361
00:18:05,534 --> 00:18:08,501
And you're bald! .
362
00:18:11,501 --> 00:18:13,534
How did it go with Paul
last night? .
363
00:18:13,567 --> 00:18:16,100
Did you manage to sour him
on the single life? .
364
00:18:16,133 --> 00:18:19,467
A bachelorette party showed up,
it reminded him of his wedding. .
365
00:18:19,501 --> 00:18:22,234
He freaked out and left by 9:00. .
366
00:18:23,934 --> 00:18:26,234
Whoa, Chuck wagon! .
367
00:18:29,100 --> 00:18:31,534
Did you get the license plate
of the truck
368
00:18:31,567 --> 00:18:33,534
that hit us last night?
369
00:18:33,567 --> 00:18:36,100
Paul, are those the same
clothes you wore yesterday? .
370
00:18:36,133 --> 00:18:38,334
That is correct. .
371
00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:41,567
Pauly played an away game. .
372
00:18:41,601 --> 00:18:43,334
Hey, Chuck roast,
373
00:18:43,367 --> 00:18:49,000
please tell me I did not go home
with that double bagger, huh?
374
00:18:49,033 --> 00:18:51,000
I love being single.
375
00:18:51,033 --> 00:18:53,868
I'm having the time of my life! .
376
00:18:53,901 --> 00:18:54,934
What about Claudia? .
377
00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:56,934
Oh, God, I miss her so much. .
378
00:18:56,968 --> 00:18:58,901
Oh, God, I'm not having fun.
379
00:18:58,934 --> 00:19:01,701
I slept on her mother's lawn
last night,
380
00:19:01,734 --> 00:19:03,667
and I got bit by a mole. .
381
00:19:05,334 --> 00:19:08,534
Let's go in my office
and disinfect that mole bite. .
382
00:19:10,734 --> 00:19:12,133
Hello, Paul.
383
00:19:12,167 --> 00:19:14,000
Claudia. .
384
00:19:15,367 --> 00:19:16,968
Good luck, buddy. .
385
00:19:19,434 --> 00:19:20,968
Don't give up on us. .
386
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:23,534
If I'm not doing something
right, I can change.
387
00:19:23,567 --> 00:19:25,634
I'm not asking you to change. .
388
00:19:25,667 --> 00:19:28,567
You want me to dress up
like God? I can do that.
389
00:19:28,601 --> 00:19:31,100
Paul, this isn't your fault.
390
00:19:31,133 --> 00:19:35,334
I just realized this is
something I have to do. .
391
00:19:35,367 --> 00:19:39,033
But if you go, who am I
gonna tell about my day to, huh? .
392
00:19:39,067 --> 00:19:41,067
Who am I gonna buy flowers for? .
393
00:19:41,100 --> 00:19:44,267
Who's gonna put little
love notes in my jacket?
394
00:19:44,300 --> 00:19:47,934
I never put love notes
in your jacket, Paul. .
395
00:19:47,968 --> 00:19:52,801
Oh, my God,
our dry cleaner wants me. .
396
00:19:52,834 --> 00:19:55,067
For the first time in my life,
397
00:19:55,100 --> 00:19:59,200
I feel that I have a purpose
that's bigger than myself. .
398
00:19:59,234 --> 00:20:03,234
This is truly an amazing thing
that's happened to me. .
399
00:20:03,267 --> 00:20:06,367
And deep in your heart,
I think you know that. .
400
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:10,200
Now, having said that, I mean,
401
00:20:10,234 --> 00:20:13,267
if you want me to stay,
I'll stay. .
402
00:20:14,334 --> 00:20:16,033
Stay. .
403
00:20:17,267 --> 00:20:20,100
I don't want to stand in the way
of your happiness. .
404
00:20:20,133 --> 00:20:21,400
You go. .
405
00:20:21,434 --> 00:20:24,901
Thank you, pauly.
406
00:20:24,934 --> 00:20:27,434
I love you.
407
00:20:27,467 --> 00:20:30,167
I love you, too. .
408
00:21:09,801 --> 00:21:12,033
So, did the mayor
pick a religion yet? .
409
00:21:12,067 --> 00:21:14,200
No, he decided
he doesn't need one. .
410
00:21:14,234 --> 00:21:16,300
He's gonna stick with
being a wasp. .
411
00:21:16,334 --> 00:21:18,767
Well, he's doing
pretty good today. .
412
00:21:18,801 --> 00:21:22,534
So is it true that you
can only move diagonally?
413
00:21:24,467 --> 00:21:26,501
I'm kidding. .
414
00:21:29,634 --> 00:21:32,100
Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.
30072
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