Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

(Clark) 'Guess who?'

Give me a hint.

(Clark) 'Okay, but no peeking.'

I know you.

(Clark) Mm-hmm-hmm. Yes.

What?

I can't believe the first time I looked into your eyes

'I didn't instantly know'

you were the man I'd spend my life with.

So, did you find a movie you want to see?

No, actually, I wasn't able to get past

your piece on the Zarate crime family.

[chuckles]

- It's first-rate. - Thank you.

Meanwhile, I'm stuck with page three novelty robberies.

No, your piece on the museum robbery was excellent.

'A thief who can climb a seven-story building'

enter through a vent, and then escape

without setting off the alarm? Very good stuff.

- You think? - Absolutely.

Whoever's pulling off this thing..

...must be as agile as a monkey.

[chuckles]

"Seven stories.."

"Air vent.."

"Apparent acrobatic ability."

Dad?

Dad?

[chattering]

I knew it.

Daddy, you promised me.

'Didn't we just have this conversation?'

Well?

[groans]

[sighs]

Call me unreasonable

'but I refuse to discuss this with a primate.'

[chattering]

[dramatic music]

I have half a mind to call the SPCA.

This switching bodies with innocent animals

it's gotta stop.

You know I can't leave the house in my own body, kitten.

There's a price on my head, remember?

Yes, I remember, and don't call me kitten.

Makes me nervous.

How am I supposed to provide for us

if I have to stay locked up in here like some-some..

Animal?

I was trying to avoid the irony.

Anyway, I promised your mother on her deathbed

I'd look after you.

Mom is not dead.

She ran off to be an investment banker.

I'd rather think of her as dead.

[sniffs]

The point is, Becky, you mean the world to me.

That's what this last job was all about.

That's why I'm gonna get out from underneath this price

that Little Tony put on my head once and for all.

Really?

Little Tony agreed to cancel the contract?

Not exactly. I'm gonna cancel it.

But-but only Little Tony can do that.

That's why I'm gonna be Little Tony.

Wait, you're gonna switch bodies with a mob boss?

Just for a while, until I can clear up this mess.

Even if it could be done, you can't get near Little Tony.

You won't last for two minutes.

That's right.

That's why I have to get into a body

of someone that can get near Little Tony.

Like who?

Like, uh..

'...like him.'

[theme music]

[no audio]

[no audio]

[no audio]

(male #1) 'How is it, boss? Good?'

I'm undecided.

It lacks a certain esprit de la boue.

You was there when Kent interviewed me.

How do you think I came across?

Real good, boss. Stylish.

Yeah? I thought so too.

So how come I feel like I'm reading about

some kind of gangster?

Well, he don't know you, boss.

I ain't satisfied.

Arrange another sit-down with Kent.

We'll explain things to him.

- Good idea, boss. - Alright, what else you got?

Come on, come on, come on. Let's go.

Well, we think maybe Woody Samms is back in town.

Woody Samms? You seen him?

Well, somebody's been pulling some jobs.

It looks like his sig. We're looking into it.

Unbelievable.

Guy steals from me, then has the nerve

to come back to my town and pull more jobs.

[chuckles]

I want this mook found.

I want him turned over to doc

chopped up, freeze-dried..

...and made into little doggy biscuits

for Pepino here. My baby.

So...prowling the night

in the body of a lithe cat

or scaling sheer walls

in the form of the frolicsome monkey

wasn't enough for you, huh?

You return to Asabi, for the secret of human-to-human

body-soul transfer, hmm?

Look, can we just do this?

It's not safe for me to be out in the open.

I got the money.

'Do you want it or don't you?'

All the ancient Gods cry out to Asabi from the nether reaches

imploring him not to share the sacred knowledge..

...but...what the heck.

But before I impart to you the secret of the ancients..

...I must bid you warning.

What you seek is a power

straight from the pits of Barathrum.

To exile a man from his body, to take possession

there are many dangers.

I'll do whatever it takes.

Very well, but know this

there is no guarantee the transfer will hold.

The displaced soul would always attempt

to fight its way back to its rightful body.

Not a problem. I only need the other body temporarily.

I'll be back in my own skin before you know it.

Fine.

This..

...is the Zelig stone.

It contains properties for transformation.

You must clasp it..

...on to the palms of the one you wish to inhabit.

When you feel the other's heart beating

in time with your own, as if it were your own

only then you may take possession.

[dramatic music]

Sorry about having to do this on our day off, honey

but I promise you I'll make it up to you tonight.

How does dinner at Le Bardo sound?

Candlelight, violins.

Why don't we light some candles here

'and I'll go out later and pick up some steaks'

and a bottle of wine?

- Clothing optional? - Ooh.

- You are making me weak. - Wait till tonight.

Kryptonite's got nothing on me.

Mmm.

I should get going.

Little Tony should be getting out of church right about now.

Did he say what this impromptu meeting was about?

No, but I'm guessing that he didn't like what he read.

Well, you just remind him

that when he agreed to this interview

you told him it wasn't a PR Piece.

If he wanted that, he should've hired a publicist.

'If he gives you any lip, or tries to intimidate you at all'

you just pull a Mike Wallace.

You take out a tape recorder because guys like Little Tony

they taste their breakfast when they see tape recorders.

In fact, I think I might have mine around here somewh--

- Lois, hi. - Oh.

Oh, I see.

So, you're-you're all set.

Well, have a nice time with your gangster.

(Becky) 'I can't believe what you're saying.'

I'm just not sure I like the idea

of my father taking over the body of a mobster.

I mean, that means you'll be a mobster.

You're sort of bad enough now.

Sweetheart, I told you, it's only gonna be for a couple

of days, just so I can get that death order canceled.

Well, what happens when Little Tony goes back to his old self?

What makes you think he won't reinstate it?

So, I haven't figured out every tiny detail.

Right now, let's just worry about making the switch.

I must've been crazy to get within a mile of Little Tony.

[inhales]

[exhales] But all is fine.

When Little Tony gets here, I'm gonna be safe and sound

tucked away in Clark Kent's body.

'You got the sedative?'

Yes.

Hey, get ready. There's Kent.

Clark Kent? I thought that was you.

Hey, I read you all the time.

You sure know how to expose the seamy underbelly

of a candy-coated Metropolis.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Hey, I'd love to buy you a drink.

Oh-oh, that's, that's very nice

but, uh, I'm waiting for someone right now. Sorry.

Ah, well, I'll leave you alone

but before I go, let me shake your hand.

Oh. Sure, sure.

[heart beating]

[dramatic music]

Yes.

- Becky, now. - Sorry.

Alright, alright, now, now we gotta stash the body someplace.

Little Tony can't see me...him here.

I'll help you drag him over this way.

Aah!

- Daddy! - Sorry.

This Kent guy is stronger than he looks.

[groaning]

Oh, he's still alive.

Good, 'cause I'm gonna need that body back.

Daddy, is...that really you?

Really me, princess.

How do you feel?

Well, this Kent guy must eat right or something

'cause I feel better than I've ever felt in my entire life.

Uh...duck down.

[sighs]

Okay, Woody, just play it real easy.

You're Clark Kent...reporter.

[exhales]

(female #1) 'All set with your loan docs, Mr. Davis.'

'Just sign in every place I've indicated.'

Uh-huh.

Yeah, ma'am, uh, seven bucks even.

(female #2) 'Alright. Here's the tip.'

- Keep the change. - Alright.

(female #3) A quarter for ten minutes.

(male #2) 'Oh, until we reach our cruising altitude of 35,000 feet'

'just keep those seat belts fastened.'

[crunching]

Dad! Are you alright?

Ugh, y-you don't have to shout. I-I'm fine. Fine.

What kind of drug is this Kent guy on?

[whooshing]

(male #3) 'Houston, I'm seeing unidentified debris'

'outside the shuttle.'

'It looks like a piece of... park bench.'

[dog barking]

Lois! Lois!

Shh!

[footsteps]

Kent, I got a bone to pick with you. What's wrong?

You got this look on your face.

You know what? I-I gotta go.

Um...why don't you guys feed the pigeons or-or whatever?

I-I have to get some air.

What are you talking about?

What's he talking about?

'Kent, come back here!'

[whispering] Dad! Um, Mr. Kent!

'Mr. Kent, come back!'

Aah! Oh, man. Man!

Big mistake. Oh, big mistake.

This guy's some kind of freak.

Ohh!

Why does that look so familiar?

Wait a minute.

No way.

No way!

[breathes heavily]

Okay, calm down, calm down.

Just relax.

[exhales]

[chuckles] Wow!

How cool is this!

I'm not on drugs.

I'm Superman.

[chuckles]

[instrumental music]

Okay!

[exhales]

Something in the park.

Red Kryptonite, maybe.

[chuckles]

Alright, how the heck does he do this part?

Ooh.

Oh, ho-ho-ho, yeah!

Ohh!

This is gonna be so cool!

Lois?

[dramatic music]

Yeah, boss.

Guess who I just bumped into? Woody Samms.

Yeah. Right out in the open.

You bet I will, boss.

Uh-huh.

Lois. Lois, something's happened.

Excuse me?

Lois, I don't know how it happened. It happened so fast.

This guy came up to me in the park. I'm dizzy, honey.

Take me home, and put me in a hot tub or something.

Listen, back off, pal.

Why are you looking at me like that?

You want me to drop you right here

'cause I'm a girl who can.

Hey! This fellow bothering you?

Yes, officer, he is.

What? Lois!

Officer, there's some misunderstanding.

This woman is my wife.

I've never seen this guy before in my life.

- Okay, buddy, let's go. - Why are you doing this?

Come on. You can sleep it off downtown.

Put your hands on top of the car.

(Clark as Woody) 'Some guy in the park drugged me.'

Always somebody else's fault.

The person you should be looking at is yourself.

Wait. Wait a minute!

Lois!

Lois!

Dad?

Yeah, honey, it's me.

- Where have you been? - Shopping.

This Kent guy's got more credit cards..

- Whoo. Hot wife too. - What happened?

Tiny change in plans.

I've decided not to take Little Tony's body.

I'm keeping this one instead.

Keeping it? Why?

Well, you know..

...I tried it on and it just looked so good on me.

Giving it a little bit of a different style though.

Dad, Clark Kent didn't do anything to you.

You can't just take his body.

It's not like I left him without a body.

He's got my old one.

Yeah, exactly, which happens to have a contract out on it.

I mean, every thug in Metropolis is gonna be gunning for him.

Don't you worry about that.

I'll take care of Little Tony myself.

He won't bother Kent

or anyone else when I'm through with him.

You're gonna get Clark Kent's body killed.

[chuckles]

Trust me, kitten, that ain't gonna happen.

You have no idea how safe you are.

Nothing bad is ever gonna happen to you from now on.

What are you talking about?

Trust me on this, kitten. I..

[groaning]

You! You're the girl from the park.

Ohh! Ooh!

Weird, for-for a minute there

I-I thought I was inside a jail cell.

You were back in your own body.

'That's what happened.'

Clark Kent was arrested this afternoon.

You switched places for a second.

I think you're right.

Dad...he's trying to get back into his own body.

You have to let him.

Yeah, yeah. He's trying to get back in.

Could be a problem.

[knock on door]

We're closed! Come back tomorrow!

But now is fine.

He's trying to get back in.

Can it be? It is you!

This is the body you've stolen?

Are you mad?

You couldn't settle for, I don't know, Michael Jordan?

It had to be...this?

Look, I didn't plan it this way. It just sort of...happened.

But he's trying to get back in now. How do I stop him?

You can't! You will almost surely lose this battle.

It is only a matter of time

before he takes back what is his.

[imitates buzzer]

[groans]

Wrong answer.

But I don't understand. Who posted my bail?

Your lawyer.

My lawyer?

Hi.

There is a way! Aah!

[items clatter]

If you wish to remain in this body, his soul must die.

'He must be released from the body he now inhabits'

into the next world

where he will no longer have claims to the flesh.

- But it must be done soon. - Why?

The longer he lives, the longer he battles

the more damage is done.

What damage?

Your soul is like an invading organism in this vessel.

Even now...this body you inhabit is being destroyed.

- But this is Superman's body. - Precisely.

And so it needs Superman's spirit to survive.

Unless you release that spirit from this world

and end the struggle

you make the body uninhabitable for anyone..

...you or him.

So, you're telling me..

...I have to kill him?

Kill my old body?

That is what I am saying, yes.

[telephone rings]

- Hello. - Lois. Lois, it's me.

Who?

Uh, Ms. Lane, uh, I have a story for you

something I think you'll want to hear.

Well, call me tomorrow at "The Planet."

Today's my day off.

- Who was that? - Oh.

Uh, uh, nobody. When did you get home?

And what is that outfit?

Little Tony's idea.

He said I was dressing too boring.

Well, what you won't do for a story.

It's kind of sexy though, in a tasteless, tacky

"Married To The Mob" meets "The A-Team" sort of way.

Listen, uh, sweetheart, I gotta ask you.

Have any strangers been by today..

...looking for me maybe?

- Strangers? Like who? - Funny guy.

Good-lookin' in a..

...virile, Silver Fox kind of way?

Actually, there was this guy when I was shopping.

He sort of fits that description

but I-I wouldn't call him virile.

Actually, more creepy.

He wanted my help. He thought I was his wife.

But it was sort of weird though.

I-I had this feeling like I knew him.

Nope. Different guy.

- So, w-what smells so good? - Steaks.

Why don't you change out of this ridiculous outfit

and I'll go check on 'em.

The sooner we eat, the sooner we get to dessert.

[dramatic music]

[exhales]

- Are you okay? - Yeah.

Yeah. I was back in my own body.

A little longer this time.

Becky...I know where he is.

I was in my own house.

He's with Lois. I got to get to her.

No, wait, wait a minute. You can't go out there.

It's-it's not safe.

Little Tony's men will still be looking for you.

- I don't care. - Well, I do.

That's my dad's body that you're in.

I don't want anything to happen to it.

I got to get to my wife.

God, you really love her, don't you?

Yes.

Is it okay if I just pretend for a while

that you really are my father?

I kind of like him like this.

Is something wrong? You haven't touched it.

No, no, I'm fine.

I just had a, a big lunch, that's all.

Well, how about we move on to a little dessert?

Sure. Yeah. That sounds great.

I wasn't planning on serving it down here.

Oh.

Y-you mean you want to..

With me?

Well, it's alright. We're married, remember?

Oh, yeah. Right.

Good.

[intense music]

Mmm.

Uh...why don't you put on some music

and, uh, I'll be right back.

Sure thing.

♪ Yeah yeah ♪

♪ I got the love you need ♪

♪ So baby won't you ♪

♪ So baby won't you stop on by ♪♪

[radio beeps]

(man on radio) 'This just in.'

'A bloody standoff between police'

'and the transit bombing terrorists'

'continues at this hour.'

'We'll bring you developments as they happen.'

[radio beeps]

Honey?

Wow.

- Did you hear that? - Hear what?

Just now on the news. The terrorists.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Awful, awful thing.

'I guess it's just the, the times we live in.'

Phew.

You look...good.

Thanks.

Don't you think you should, you know..

...whoosh.

Whoosh. Yeah, sure, I'll whoosh.

Right now, just let me get the bed pulled back

and we can whoosh all night.

Clark, the terrorists.

Don't you think Superman should take care of that first?

Oh..

...right, yeah, of course.

You just..

...hold that pose.

I'll be back in a flash.

Terrorists!

That woman really knows how to kill a mood.

[whooshing]

Lois, don't panic.

I'm not gonna hurt you, but you have to listen to me.

You turn around and look at me, okay?

- Aah! - Whoa.

- You! - Now, honey.

Who are you to call me honey?

It's me. It's me, honey.

Lois..

...it's me, Clark.

I can prove it.

Honey, it's me.

[gunfire]

Blue Unit, respond! Blue Unit, respond!

Damn! Cut off.

[gunfire]

Superman! Thank heavens you're here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we get on with this?

I'm kind of in the middle of something.

Right. Sure.

Okay. Here's the situation, Superman.

The perps are heavily armed

and they've barricaded themselves in these areas.

Right.

One thing I'll say for the Man of Steel..

...he doesn't waste any time.

[all screaming]

Well...here you go, boys.

Bag 'em and tag 'em.

- Thanks, Superman. - No problemo.

Kind of fun actually.

[police siren wailing]

This superhero stuff's a cinch.

[imitating Asabi] Your spirit is poisoning this body.

Yeah, right.

If anything else, it's making it stronger.

I'm bleeding?

Lois, the first time you looked into Clark Kent's eyes

'you said you should have recognized him'

'for the man he was.'

Look into mine now.

If anyone can see past this shell

and into my soul, it's you.

Come on, honey. No glasses.

Should be a snap for you.

Don't move.

Oh, my God.

Clark, it is you. What happened?

He stole my body and left me in this.

So then, that wasn't..

I knew there was something weird about the way he kissed me.

- Nothing happened. - It's okay.

Been trying to get you all day.

And I wouldn't listen to you. I'm so sorry.

It's not your fault. You couldn't have known.

What you must have been going through.

- Clark, you're burning up. - Yeah.

Lois, I'm sick. This body's sick.

- I think it's dying. - Dying?

I don't know how much time I have.

I've got to get my own body back.

He knows your secret. He's looking for you.

That's not good.

I keep finding myself back in my own body

but never for very long.

He keeps pushing me out again.

Every time it happens, I seem to get weaker.

As long as he's you, he's unstoppable.

We have to take him... when he's not expecting it.

You have to get him to relax

but you can't let on that you know anything.

Okay.

Here's the phone number where I'm staying.

It's a motel.

Call me when he's most vulnerable.

You're leaving?

Honey, I can't stay here. He'll be looking for me.

I don't care what body you're in.

I'm with you no matter what.

That was some forward flip.

I love you.

Everything's all set.

Becky, you okay?

He found me..

...right after you went inside.

Woody Samms.

Little Tony would like a word with you.

A last word.

[gun cocks]

I'm so sorry about this.

It's not your fault.

No. It's my father's.

I'm so ashamed of him.

Ahh, Woody Samms.

You look pretty good for a dead guy.

Take the girl out of here. She shouldn't see this.

No! Wait!

Leave him alone!

He's not who you think he is!

You've got the wrong man!

Let her go. It's the father you want.

(Becky) 'You're making a terrible mistake..'

No. We keep her around just in case.

Just in case of what?

In case you don't tell me what I want to know.

What do you want to know?

That jewelry you stole belonged to my grandmother.

I want it back.

'Tell me where it is'

and I'll make your death quick and clean.

Refuse..

...and it's gonna take a little longer.

(Woody as Superman) 'Whoa!'

[sighs] Sorry. I've been a little off today.

- Where have you been? - Huh? What do you mean?

I was...taking care of those terrorists.

- You think that's easy? - No.

No, of course not.

I-I just heard the reports

that you got them to surrender over an hour ago.

Well, I stopped for a drink.

What do you want to do, bust my chops about that too?

No, no. Of course not.

[exhales]

- Clark, you're bleeding. - Oh!

Yeah, that, um, ahem, well, y-you know..

Let me see anyone else get out of that with just a scratch.

They fired five, 600 rounds at me. It was...whoo! I'm tired.

- You are? - Yeah.

Well...dear, why don't we, uh..

...do what we usually do?

Remind me again.

You just, uh, lay back here and relax.

I'll take care of everything.

Ahh. Oh...good.

[sighs]

[Woody groaning]

Are you sure this is the same Woody Samms?

I don't remember him being this tough.

I don't know, boss. He's just taking it.

I haven't got time for this.

Doc, he's all yours.

Come on. Let's get out of here.

'I've wasted enough time on this.'

[dramatic music]

[groaning]

Becky!

'Becky!'

'Becky!'

(male #4) 'Forget the girl! Get out of here!'

Come on, Clark. Answer.

[gasps]

Where is he?

Why don't you use the auto redial?

Whoops. Guess you can't.

[scoffs]

[zapping]

Becky!

Becky!

In here! I'm in here! Help!

He's been here.

You've talked to him.

Tell me what you know.

Come on.

Make this easy on yourself... and him.

I'm not fooling around here, lady!

Now tell me where he is!

It doesn't matter what you do to me.

He'll find you, and he'll stop you.

[chuckles]

He's gonna stop Superman?

- He is Superman. - Not anymore, lady.

I'm Superman now.

You'll never be Superman.

It's not the suit.

'It's not even the powers.'

It's something you'll never have.

Character.

To be Superman, you have to care about something.

Something other than yourself.

Real inspiring.

[gasps]

Now tell me where he is.

- No. - Okay.

(Becky) Help!

Help, daddy! Help me!

Becky?

Help!

Wh-what's happened? Where's Becky?

Inside. You've gotta go in there and get her.

- I'm afraid. - What? Well, get over it.

You're invulnerable. Trust me on this.

I don't think that's true.

Look, I got shot. Look.

It turns out I'm poison to this body.

I think it's breaking down because of me.

Help!

Help!

Th-the flames from the fire

I can, I can feel them. It's hot!

It'll sting a little, but it won't kill you.

Becky won't be so lucky. Now go in there and get her.

(Becky) 'Daddy!'

Help!

Help me!

W-what if I can't?

No, you have to do it!

- But I can't. - Y-yes, you could.

You could do it in this body. Please.

Sh-she's the only thing I care about. You've got to save her.

We have to do this fast.

Take my hand.

[grunts]

Help! Help! I'm in here!

'Somebody, please, help me!'

'Somebody help! Help me!'

You let me down, doc. Take the dog.

Now, it's simple, I want you to..

[gunshot]

- Clark! - No, Becky!

That's not Clark. It's your father.

Daddy!

[grunting]

[horn blaring]

Sweetheart, I'm so sorry.

Becky, your father's the one that got Superman here.

And when he realized that I was in danger too

he saved me by giving me back my body.

He took all the danger on himself.

(male #5) 'Anybody here witness what happened?'

I'm proud of you, daddy.

Oh, daddy, don't leave me.

(Little Tony) Come on, Pepino. Come to daddy. Come on.

Daddy, don't leave me.

(male #6) 'Come on, Tony.'

'You won't need a dog where you're going.'

[heart beating]

[dog whining]

(man on TV) 'Amazingly, only one fatality was suffered in the blaze.'

'The victim was identified as Woody Samms, 45'

'of Metropolis.'

- Guess who. - I don't have to guess.

I'd know you anywhere.

[theme music]