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1
00:00:01,768 --> 00:00:02,888
(THRILLING MUSIC PLAYING)
2
00:00:05,088 --> 00:00:08,240
NARRATOR: Stewie Griffin,
scientist, inventor, infant.
3
00:00:08,309 --> 00:00:11,960
Searching for a way to tapinto the hidden strengthsthat all humans have.
4
00:00:12,046 --> 00:00:17,082
Then an accidental overdoseof gamma radiationalters his body chemistry.
5
00:00:17,134 --> 00:00:20,435
And now wheneverStewie Griffin growsangry or outraged,
6
00:00:20,504 --> 00:00:22,787
a startling
metamorphosis occurs.
7
00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:24,776
I hurt myself
changing this tire!
8
00:00:33,034 --> 00:00:35,016
NARRATOR:
The creature is driven by rage
9
00:00:35,085 --> 00:00:37,152
and pursued by
an investigative reporter.
10
00:00:37,238 --> 00:00:39,198
Mr. Tucker,
don't make me angry.
11
00:00:39,222 --> 00:00:41,422
You wouldn't like me
when I'm angry.
12
00:00:52,602 --> 00:00:55,804
NARRATOR:
The creature is wanted fora murder he didn't commit.
13
00:00:55,873 --> 00:00:58,340
Stewie Griffin is
believed to be dead.
14
00:00:58,408 --> 00:01:01,175
And he must let the world
think that he is dead,
15
00:01:01,244 --> 00:01:03,662
until he can find
a way to control
16
00:01:03,714 --> 00:01:06,048
the raging spirit
that dwells within him.
17
00:01:16,927 --> 00:01:18,905
Oh, come on,
can we please
change the channel?
18
00:01:18,929 --> 00:01:20,256
I can't stand local news.
19
00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:21,896
No, Brian.
The new female anchor
20
00:01:21,965 --> 00:01:24,299
is about to do that
"Child of the Month"
segment.
21
00:01:24,368 --> 00:01:25,717
I like her.
22
00:01:25,785 --> 00:01:27,630
Good evening, I'm Joyce Kinney.
23
00:01:27,654 --> 00:01:30,083
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
And this is April'sChild of the Month,
24
00:01:30,107 --> 00:01:32,218
eight-year-old Angus Reed.
25
00:01:32,242 --> 00:01:34,420
Angus was born
with cerebral palsy.
26
00:01:34,444 --> 00:01:37,791
And his only wishis to one day becomea famous heart surgeon.
27
00:01:37,815 --> 00:01:40,748
All I want to do is help people.
28
00:01:40,817 --> 00:01:42,679
JOYCE:
Child of the Month,Angus Reed.
29
00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:45,499
Good luck withyour dream, Angus.We believe in you.
30
00:01:45,523 --> 00:01:47,940
What a weird little guy.
Thanks, Joyce.
31
00:01:48,008 --> 00:01:50,008
How old do they usually
live to be, by the way?
32
00:01:50,077 --> 00:01:52,517
Well, you never see
a gray-haired one.
33
00:01:52,763 --> 00:01:54,246
So inspiring.
34
00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:03,699
Mom, there's a row
open up there.
35
00:02:03,723 --> 00:02:05,590
Oh, good, I like
sitting in the front.
36
00:02:05,659 --> 00:02:08,460
Me, too. I didn't
dress up not to be seen.
37
00:02:11,565 --> 00:02:13,915
Hey, you, go easy on
the communion wine today.
38
00:02:13,984 --> 00:02:16,201
Don't want another one
of your drunken mishaps.
39
00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:17,731
(SLURRING) Let me
get at that belly.
40
00:02:17,755 --> 00:02:19,132
Let me kiss that belly.
Stop it!
41
00:02:19,156 --> 00:02:20,196
Cut it out!
42
00:02:20,257 --> 00:02:21,300
I'm gonna give
you a flubber kiss.
43
00:02:21,324 --> 00:02:22,991
Oh, Lois, that tickles!
44
00:02:23,060 --> 00:02:24,693
Flubber-belly,
pork-belly Stewie.
45
00:02:24,762 --> 00:02:25,762
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
46
00:02:28,398 --> 00:02:30,131
Give me that belly!
47
00:02:36,339 --> 00:02:37,706
Oh, my God!
48
00:02:39,810 --> 00:02:41,509
I'm sorry.
49
00:02:41,579 --> 00:02:43,946
I got a little nervous.
50
00:02:44,014 --> 00:02:46,765
It's just, I like you so much.
51
00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:49,501
Please turn to hymn number 487.
52
00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:50,570
(ORGAN PLAYING)
53
00:02:52,256 --> 00:02:58,559
♪ If we praise Jesus
by singing all together
54
00:02:58,628 --> 00:03:03,464
♪ It makes this whole
exercise seem less bizarre
55
00:03:03,533 --> 00:03:06,134
♪ Than it really is
when you actually stand back
56
00:03:06,203 --> 00:03:09,404
♪ And examine it
with some objectivity
57
00:03:09,472 --> 00:03:14,810
♪ Amen ♪
58
00:03:14,878 --> 00:03:16,544
PRIEST: Please be seated.
59
00:03:16,613 --> 00:03:19,163
Let me remind you all that
this Saturday at 5:00 pm,
60
00:03:19,232 --> 00:03:21,352
we'll have vespers,
not to be confused
61
00:03:21,402 --> 00:03:23,635
with the Italian motor scooter.
62
00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:24,770
(ALL LAUGHING)
63
00:03:24,838 --> 00:03:25,958
(LOIS LAUGHING OBNOXIOUSLY)
64
00:03:28,975 --> 00:03:30,409
LOIS: Vespers!
65
00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:33,222
And don't forget, next weekend,
66
00:03:33,246 --> 00:03:35,558
we will have the Sunday
afternoon family picnic,
67
00:03:35,582 --> 00:03:38,316
as God said to Noah,
weather permitting.
68
00:03:38,385 --> 00:03:39,550
(ALL LAUGHING)
69
00:03:39,619 --> 00:03:41,486
(LOIS LAUGHING OBNOXIOUSLY)
70
00:03:42,990 --> 00:03:44,356
LOIS: Stop it!
71
00:03:44,424 --> 00:03:46,705
And another reminder.
When you arrive to mass,
72
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:48,688
please do not park
behind the rectory.
73
00:03:48,712 --> 00:03:52,547
As the Corinthians
said to the Galatians,
"That's my land."
74
00:03:52,616 --> 00:03:53,815
(ALL LAUGHING)
75
00:03:53,883 --> 00:03:55,082
(LOIS LAUGHING OBNOXIOUSLY)
76
00:03:55,151 --> 00:03:56,484
LOIS: Look out, Gallagher!
77
00:03:56,553 --> 00:03:57,686
PETER: Stop kissing ass.
78
00:03:59,756 --> 00:04:01,484
Bless you.
Have a wonderful day.
79
00:04:01,508 --> 00:04:03,107
Thank you, Father.
80
00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:06,778
Hey, nice talk, chief.
There you go.
81
00:04:06,847 --> 00:04:08,108
Buy the wife something pretty.
82
00:04:08,132 --> 00:04:11,149
Oh, Father, your homily
was so moving today.
83
00:04:11,218 --> 00:04:12,329
Thank you, Lois.
84
00:04:12,353 --> 00:04:13,896
And thank you for
the great job you did
85
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,998
with the rummage sale
for the needy last weekend.
86
00:04:16,022 --> 00:04:17,922
Oh, it was my pleasure.
87
00:04:17,991 --> 00:04:19,691
You know, I accidentally almost
88
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,426
put a cashmere sweater in there.
89
00:04:21,495 --> 00:04:22,861
Can you believe?
90
00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:25,530
What would one of them do
with a cashmere sweater?
91
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:28,010
You know, Lois,
we also have
a bake sale coming up,
92
00:04:28,034 --> 00:04:29,812
and we're short
about eight pies.
93
00:04:29,836 --> 00:04:31,470
Well, I'll hit the grocery store
94
00:04:31,538 --> 00:04:33,138
this afternoon and get to work.
95
00:04:33,206 --> 00:04:36,641
Okay, Lois, bye!
Bye, church!
Bye, church guy!
96
00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:40,978
Bye, unending conversation!
Bye, terrible church people!
Bye!
97
00:04:46,270 --> 00:04:48,904
My God, does everything have
to have a mascot these days?
98
00:04:48,972 --> 00:04:52,168
I mean, look, there's
a lion in overalls
on the aluminum foil.
99
00:04:52,192 --> 00:04:53,942
I mean, who is that for?
100
00:04:54,011 --> 00:04:57,963
No, Lois, don't get that one!
Get the one with
the lion in overalls!
101
00:04:58,031 --> 00:05:02,718
Oh, my God, look!
It's Joyce Kinney
from Channel Five.
102
00:05:02,786 --> 00:05:04,702
Excuse me, Miss Kinney?
103
00:05:04,771 --> 00:05:07,856
I don't mean to bother you,
but my name is Lois Griffin.
104
00:05:07,924 --> 00:05:12,927
I am a huge fan, and I
just think you are doing
a fantastic job.
105
00:05:12,996 --> 00:05:14,974
And after what
I went through
with Diane Simmons,
106
00:05:14,998 --> 00:05:17,149
well, let me
just say it's nice
to be standing here
107
00:05:17,217 --> 00:05:18,983
with no one trying to murder me.
108
00:05:19,052 --> 00:05:20,601
Yeah, no, you're fine.
109
00:05:20,670 --> 00:05:22,954
Oh, well, that's
very nice of you to say.
110
00:05:23,022 --> 00:05:24,834
You know, it's my
first anchoring job,
111
00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:26,586
and I'm trying to
make a good impression.
112
00:05:26,610 --> 00:05:28,627
I love the "Child of
the Month" segment.
113
00:05:28,695 --> 00:05:30,962
We just watched that one
with the little goofball
114
00:05:31,031 --> 00:05:33,297
who thought he was
going to be a doctor.
115
00:05:33,366 --> 00:05:35,800
I can't believe I'm
actually meeting you.
116
00:05:35,869 --> 00:05:38,202
You know, the news
is so much better
with you on it.
117
00:05:38,271 --> 00:05:39,804
Well, you know, Lois,
118
00:05:39,873 --> 00:05:42,273
I'm on my way back to
the station after lunch.
119
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:44,387
I'd be happy to give you a tour.
120
00:05:44,411 --> 00:05:47,412
Oh, my goodness.
That'd be wonderful.
121
00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:50,059
Great. Why don't
you come down to
the station around 6:00?
122
00:05:50,083 --> 00:05:51,361
You can watch the broadcast.
123
00:05:51,385 --> 00:05:53,401
Okay. I'll see
you then.
124
00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:58,770
Oh, wait, wait.
BILF. Total BILF.
125
00:06:00,977 --> 00:06:04,329
Yeah, so, going pretty good.
I got six pacifiers now.
126
00:06:05,298 --> 00:06:06,797
That was a big nothing.
127
00:06:11,989 --> 00:06:14,050
And Julie Andrews
pleaded not guilty,
128
00:06:14,074 --> 00:06:16,719
saying that she brought
the gun to the nightclub
for protection.
129
00:06:16,743 --> 00:06:19,744
And that's all for today's
Channel Five News at 6:00.
130
00:06:19,813 --> 00:06:22,647
Oh, I almost forgot.
That little girl
is still missing.
131
00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:24,048
Do we have a picture?
132
00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:26,251
Do we... We... We don't?
We don't have a picture?
133
00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:27,885
Okay, we don't have
a picture. Okay.
134
00:06:27,954 --> 00:06:29,487
But she's...
She's Puerto Rican.
135
00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:32,123
So look out for a Puerto Rican.
136
00:06:35,862 --> 00:06:37,262
MAN: We're clear.
137
00:06:38,849 --> 00:06:41,977
That was so much
fun to watch.
What a pro you are.
138
00:06:42,001 --> 00:06:43,479
Lois, you've met Tom Tucker.
139
00:06:43,503 --> 00:06:44,819
Oh, yes, of course.
140
00:06:44,888 --> 00:06:47,951
I loved that piece you
did on the invention
of the guillotine.
141
00:06:47,975 --> 00:06:49,352
Oh, thank you.
You know, half the time
142
00:06:49,376 --> 00:06:50,696
those things didn't really work.
143
00:06:51,494 --> 00:06:52,744
How was it, honey?
144
00:06:52,813 --> 00:06:53,978
They couldn't finish.
145
00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:55,313
Oh, really?
146
00:06:55,381 --> 00:06:56,659
Yeah, I got to go back tomorrow.
147
00:06:56,683 --> 00:06:59,016
Oh, well, I made
cabbage for dinner.
148
00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:01,986
Yeah, that would be
the ending to this day.
149
00:07:02,055 --> 00:07:03,655
In here is our editor, Mike.
150
00:07:03,724 --> 00:07:05,969
They let him smoke
inside because all
the smoke from his cigarette
151
00:07:05,993 --> 00:07:08,103
just floats directly
back up into his face.
152
00:07:08,127 --> 00:07:09,889
Hey, Joyce, when you
get a chance,
153
00:07:09,913 --> 00:07:11,791
come take a look
at the Weekapaug thing.
154
00:07:11,815 --> 00:07:13,698
Oh, this is all so fascinating.
155
00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,533
You must have so many stories.
156
00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:18,631
Well, look, if you want
to grab a drink with
me later tonight,
157
00:07:18,655 --> 00:07:20,500
I'd be happy to tell you some.
158
00:07:20,524 --> 00:07:22,456
Oh, my God, I would love to.
159
00:07:22,526 --> 00:07:23,691
Look at me, huh?
160
00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:25,894
Stepping out on the town
with a big celebrity.
161
00:07:25,962 --> 00:07:28,007
Well, I think
you're exaggerating.
162
00:07:28,031 --> 00:07:32,150
No, you're a lady big shot,
like Miss Piggy.
163
00:07:32,202 --> 00:07:35,098
Hey, Kermit.
What happened to the
"Bears in Space" sketch?
164
00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:38,022
Sorry, it's
"Pigs in Space" now.
There's been a change.
165
00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:40,051
What?
There's been a change!
166
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:45,225
NARRATOR:
We now return to
Ellen Only Talks
167
00:07:45,249 --> 00:07:47,043
When Her Guest Is Talking.
168
00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:48,294
So, you want to
hear about my movie?
169
00:07:48,318 --> 00:07:49,795
I had a great weekend.
We spent three months
170
00:07:49,819 --> 00:07:51,497
shooting in Louisiana.
I danced all over my house.
171
00:07:51,521 --> 00:07:53,199
And it's a thriller.It's reallya love story, too.
172
00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:54,900
I try to dance inevery room at leastonce a week.
173
00:07:54,924 --> 00:07:57,737
I also listen tojazz while I vacuum,which is cool.
174
00:07:57,761 --> 00:07:59,171
Anyway, it comes out
Friday. I got to work
175
00:07:59,195 --> 00:08:00,773
with Julianna Margulies...
My pets were going wild
176
00:08:00,797 --> 00:08:02,508
all weekend.I think there's, like,something in the air.
177
00:08:02,532 --> 00:08:03,876
Who could nothave been nicer.Like smog or pollen.
178
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:05,933
Or pollinated smog, or...
179
00:08:06,002 --> 00:08:07,269
Are you just gonna talk over
180
00:08:07,337 --> 00:08:08,881
everything that I say?
I love talking on TV.
181
00:08:08,905 --> 00:08:11,065
I'll... I'll do
anything to talk on TV.
182
00:08:11,508 --> 00:08:13,341
Hiya, lame asses.
183
00:08:13,409 --> 00:08:14,675
(ALL EXCLAIMING DISAPPROVAL)
184
00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:17,456
We were having a nice time.
185
00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:19,225
Sorry. I'm just
painfully aware
186
00:08:19,249 --> 00:08:20,960
that I'm the only
member of this family
187
00:08:20,984 --> 00:08:24,518
who's going out
for drinks with
a celebrity tonight.
188
00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:25,715
What are you talking about?
189
00:08:25,739 --> 00:08:29,107
Joyce Kinney invited
me out for drinks.
190
00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:33,044
So just order a pizza
or something, okay?
See you guys later.
191
00:08:33,113 --> 00:08:35,007
Man, I hate calling
that pizza place.
192
00:08:35,031 --> 00:08:37,310
They don't speak English,
and they always
mess up the order.
193
00:08:37,334 --> 00:08:40,012
It's like trying to
give my cell phone
number to the housekeeper.
194
00:08:40,036 --> 00:08:42,486
Okay, I'm expecting
a very important
delivery at the house.
195
00:08:42,555 --> 00:08:45,334
So, could you please
call me if it arrives?
I'll give you my cell number.
196
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:48,793
Okay. Yes.
No problem.
Give me number.
197
00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:52,897
Okay. 401-555-1125.
198
00:08:53,967 --> 00:08:56,367
Four...
199
00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:59,170
Four, zero...
200
00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:01,673
Four, four, zero...
201
00:09:01,741 --> 00:09:04,509
No, no, I was just
repeating the four.
One four.
202
00:09:04,578 --> 00:09:07,445
One, four...
203
00:09:07,514 --> 00:09:10,281
All right, let's start over.
Four, zero, one.
204
00:09:10,350 --> 00:09:11,916
Four.
205
00:09:11,984 --> 00:09:13,017
Zero.
206
00:09:13,086 --> 00:09:14,129
Zero...
207
00:09:14,153 --> 00:09:16,120
One.
One.
208
00:09:16,189 --> 00:09:17,300
Four, zero, one.
209
00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:18,324
Yes.
210
00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:20,525
Five, five, five.
211
00:09:20,594 --> 00:09:24,128
Five. Five. Five.
212
00:09:24,197 --> 00:09:27,882
That was painless.
Okay. One, one, two, five.
213
00:09:27,951 --> 00:09:30,852
One, one, two, five.
214
00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:32,120
There you go, you got it.
215
00:09:32,188 --> 00:09:33,388
One, five, five.
216
00:09:33,422 --> 00:09:34,555
What?
217
00:09:34,624 --> 00:09:38,325
You say,
"One one, two fives."
218
00:09:38,394 --> 00:09:39,927
One, five, five.
219
00:09:39,996 --> 00:09:43,097
No, no. Not one one
and two fives. Two ones.
220
00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:46,968
Two, one, one, one, two, five.
221
00:09:47,037 --> 00:09:48,269
Oh, my God.
222
00:09:48,337 --> 00:09:49,937
Okay. How many ones?
223
00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:52,040
I'm not giving you
quantities of the numbers,
224
00:09:52,108 --> 00:09:53,507
I'm giving you the numbers.
225
00:09:53,576 --> 00:09:55,843
One, one, two, five.
Those are the last
four numbers.
226
00:09:55,912 --> 00:09:58,312
Okay, one...
227
00:09:58,882 --> 00:10:00,331
One, one.
228
00:10:00,399 --> 00:10:02,133
One, one.
229
00:10:02,201 --> 00:10:03,735
Two.
Two.
230
00:10:03,803 --> 00:10:04,803
Five.
231
00:10:04,871 --> 00:10:06,904
Five. Oh, I see.
232
00:10:06,973 --> 00:10:08,673
One, one, two, five.
233
00:10:08,742 --> 00:10:12,577
Yes! One, one, two, five.
All right, now,
read the number back to me.
234
00:10:12,646 --> 00:10:14,512
Let me get my pen.
235
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:21,135
And that's why
whenever I have sex
without protection,
236
00:10:21,204 --> 00:10:23,404
I call it, "Taking
a John Chancellor."
237
00:10:23,473 --> 00:10:24,473
(BOTH LAUGHING)
238
00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:29,210
Oh, my God,
Joyce, you've got
so many great stories.
239
00:10:29,279 --> 00:10:33,498
Oh, come on, I'm sure
you've done some
crazy stuff in your time.
240
00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:34,799
Well...
241
00:10:34,868 --> 00:10:36,067
Oh, what is it?
242
00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:37,702
No, no, I can't.
243
00:10:37,771 --> 00:10:40,488
Lois, I feel like we're
really bonding here tonight.
244
00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:42,373
Come on, let's hear it.
245
00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:46,094
Well, I have had an abortion.
246
00:10:46,163 --> 00:10:47,311
(MOCK SNORING)
247
00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:49,246
Oh, wake me up when
you got something good.
248
00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:52,100
Oh, my goodness,
sarcastic sleeping.
249
00:10:52,168 --> 00:10:54,180
That puts a lot
of pressure on me.
250
00:10:54,204 --> 00:11:00,058
All right, well,
when I was in college,
I was in an adult film.
251
00:11:00,127 --> 00:11:02,393
Oh, my God, you did a porno?
252
00:11:02,462 --> 00:11:05,491
(SHUSHING) Please,
please, please do not
say a word to anybody.
253
00:11:05,515 --> 00:11:08,361
I have never
told anyone that,
not even my husband.
254
00:11:08,385 --> 00:11:10,285
I promise, I'll take it
to the grave.
255
00:11:10,353 --> 00:11:13,605
But, oh, my God,
Lois, that's hilarious!
256
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:14,789
Do you have a copy?
257
00:11:14,857 --> 00:11:16,668
Oh, no, that movie's long gone.
258
00:11:16,692 --> 00:11:18,637
Like the original
ending to Grease.
259
00:11:18,661 --> 00:11:19,821
(WE GO TOGETHER PLAYING)
260
00:11:27,804 --> 00:11:29,654
We've been up
here for four days.
261
00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:31,200
Why did you drive
the car into the air
262
00:11:31,224 --> 00:11:32,835
if you didn't know
how to get it back down?
263
00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:35,860
Look, Sandy, it seemed like
a good idea at the time.
264
00:11:35,929 --> 00:11:37,740
Obviously, I didn't think ahead.
265
00:11:37,764 --> 00:11:41,199
It's so cold. Let's cuddle
together for warmth.
266
00:11:41,267 --> 00:11:44,018
I'm... I'm...
I'm... I'm warm enough.
267
00:11:47,491 --> 00:11:48,968
Quick, we got
to turn the channel.
268
00:11:48,992 --> 00:11:52,376
I promised my friend
Joyce I'd watch
the news tonight.
269
00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:55,180
FEMALE SINGER:
♪ Channel Five
270
00:11:55,248 --> 00:11:57,315
♪ We're there for you
271
00:11:58,468 --> 00:12:00,685
♪ When times are tough
272
00:12:01,654 --> 00:12:04,722
♪ We'll help you through
273
00:12:04,791 --> 00:12:08,176
♪ With news and
sports and weather
274
00:12:08,245 --> 00:12:11,346
♪ We'll always be together
275
00:12:11,414 --> 00:12:13,981
♪ We're with
you through it all
276
00:12:14,050 --> 00:12:17,936
♪ Channel Five ♪
277
00:12:18,004 --> 00:12:21,122
Holy shit, that justturned out awful.Joyce, do your thing.
278
00:12:21,191 --> 00:12:24,492
Thanks, Tom. Pornography.
The very word conjures up
279
00:12:24,561 --> 00:12:26,038
images of red-light districts,
280
00:12:26,062 --> 00:12:28,129
unprotected sex, and of course,
281
00:12:28,198 --> 00:12:30,518
the turn-of-the-century
pornograph machine.
282
00:12:32,101 --> 00:12:33,167
Whoa, ho, ho!
283
00:12:33,236 --> 00:12:34,601
Sweet Mary!
284
00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:40,190
But it seems pornography
has finally found its way
285
00:12:40,259 --> 00:12:41,559
to our neighborhood.
286
00:12:41,628 --> 00:12:44,361
Yes, local housewife
and church organist
287
00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:47,081
Lois Griffin has
revealed to this reporter
288
00:12:47,150 --> 00:12:50,935
that she appearedin a pornographic movieback in the early 1980s.
289
00:12:51,003 --> 00:12:53,471
What?
Mom, that's you!
290
00:12:53,539 --> 00:12:57,041
Boy, that black bar would be
a lot lower now, huh? Huh?
291
00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:00,144
Huh? Would it not?
292
00:13:00,213 --> 00:13:03,498
Evidently, Lois Griffin,
star citizen of Quahog,
293
00:13:03,566 --> 00:13:06,784
is also Lois Griffin,star of Quest for Fur.
294
00:13:06,853 --> 00:13:08,752
It just goes to show
you never know
295
00:13:08,821 --> 00:13:11,022
what sort of person is
living next door. Tom?
296
00:13:11,757 --> 00:13:13,307
I can't believe this!
297
00:13:13,376 --> 00:13:15,016
Lois, you were in a porno?
298
00:13:15,044 --> 00:13:16,961
She totally betrayed me!
299
00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:19,808
I thought girlfriends
were supposed to
support each other.
300
00:13:19,832 --> 00:13:20,899
Ha!
301
00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:22,066
Slut!
302
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:33,138
How could you do
that to me, Joyce?
303
00:13:33,162 --> 00:13:34,679
Oh. Hello, Lois.
304
00:13:34,747 --> 00:13:38,466
I told you that in confidence!
You totally humiliated me!
305
00:13:38,535 --> 00:13:40,513
Well, then I guess
now we're even.
306
00:13:40,537 --> 00:13:44,922
What?
What are you talking about?
I never did anything to you!
307
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:47,053
You really don't
remember me, do you?
308
00:13:47,077 --> 00:13:48,193
Remember you?
309
00:13:48,261 --> 00:13:50,381
We went to high
school together, Lois?
310
00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:54,098
Chemistry class?
Freshman year? Joycie?
311
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,868
You're Joyce Chevapravatdumrong?
312
00:13:56,936 --> 00:14:00,454
Yes, but they'd never
let that name on TV,
so I changed it to Kinney.
313
00:14:00,523 --> 00:14:03,424
You ruined my adolescence, Lois.
314
00:14:03,493 --> 00:14:06,772
You told me I'd madethe cheer squad,blindfolded me,
315
00:14:06,796 --> 00:14:10,092
and told me we weregoing for a specialcelebration breakfast.
316
00:14:10,116 --> 00:14:12,043
When you took the blindfold off,
317
00:14:12,067 --> 00:14:13,996
I was standing in front
of the entire school
318
00:14:14,020 --> 00:14:17,180
with my pants aroundmy ankles and a hot dogin my mouth.
319
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:23,322
It was a horrible
thing to do, Lois.
320
00:14:23,346 --> 00:14:25,897
Look, Joyce,
that was a long time ago.
321
00:14:25,966 --> 00:14:28,466
And I'm very
sorry for what I did.
322
00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:30,101
But we're adults now,
323
00:14:30,170 --> 00:14:33,220
and that doesn't
give you any reason
to humiliate me like this.
324
00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:34,439
Boo-hoo!
325
00:14:34,507 --> 00:14:37,320
You don't like it,
you can go talk
to a reporter.
326
00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:39,310
Oh, my God.
327
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:41,123
I thought we were friends.
328
00:14:41,147 --> 00:14:42,491
The kind of really good friends
329
00:14:42,515 --> 00:14:43,792
that communicate with each other
330
00:14:43,816 --> 00:14:45,333
poorly through Facebook.
331
00:14:57,730 --> 00:14:59,680
Everyone, I think it's important
332
00:14:59,749 --> 00:15:02,115
that we talk openly about this.
333
00:15:02,184 --> 00:15:04,752
Now, kids, you all know
that your mommy
334
00:15:04,821 --> 00:15:08,473
once gave special
on-camera penis
kisses for money.
335
00:15:08,524 --> 00:15:11,609
Am I... Am I old enough
for this conversation?
336
00:15:11,678 --> 00:15:15,129
It was back in
a disgusting period
known as the early '80s.
337
00:15:15,198 --> 00:15:17,365
It was a time when women
would stand topless,
338
00:15:17,433 --> 00:15:19,534
high on coke, on the edge
of hotel balconies
339
00:15:19,602 --> 00:15:21,886
while the curtains
were billowing around them.
340
00:15:21,955 --> 00:15:24,555
I think there was actually
more wind back then.
341
00:15:26,659 --> 00:15:28,760
RAOUL:
Hey, Lois, get back inside!
342
00:15:28,828 --> 00:15:30,928
This coke isn't
gonna snort itself!
343
00:15:30,997 --> 00:15:32,547
(ELECTRONIC POP MUSIC PLAYING)
344
00:15:32,615 --> 00:15:35,983
Great party, Raoul.
I feel like I'm horking
all your cocaine.
345
00:15:36,052 --> 00:15:39,820
Hey, that's okay, Lois.
You can just buy
the next bag, eh?
346
00:15:39,889 --> 00:15:41,556
Right, other guy?
347
00:15:45,228 --> 00:15:46,956
Oh, I couldn't afford that.
348
00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:49,708
My daddy's making me
pay for my own
tuition this semester
349
00:15:49,732 --> 00:15:52,044
because I maxed out
all my credit cards
350
00:15:52,068 --> 00:15:54,312
buying a copy of E.T.
at the video store.
351
00:15:54,336 --> 00:15:56,570
It was $399.
352
00:15:56,639 --> 00:15:59,674
Yeah, but you own it.
You can just watch that now.
353
00:15:59,743 --> 00:16:03,878
And besides,
I got another way
you can make money.
354
00:16:03,947 --> 00:16:08,032
So Raoul gave me
a job at his pet store,
but I still needed money.
355
00:16:08,101 --> 00:16:09,850
One day I was
cleaning a bird cage,
356
00:16:09,919 --> 00:16:14,105
and a porn producer came in,
and, well, the rest you know.
357
00:16:14,173 --> 00:16:17,492
I kind of feel like
the part that we should
have seen was...
358
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:18,871
You know what?
Never mind. It works.
359
00:16:18,895 --> 00:16:21,712
Good Lord.
Am I a porn baby?
360
00:16:21,781 --> 00:16:25,382
Oh, I'm sure not.
They don't
usually finish inside.
361
00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:33,841
Your mom's in a porno!
I saw her boobs!
362
00:16:33,910 --> 00:16:34,953
Shut up!
363
00:16:34,977 --> 00:16:36,577
Hey, Griffin,
your mom's a whore!
364
00:16:36,646 --> 00:16:38,306
Come on, guys, knock it off!
365
00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:40,747
Yeah, Griffin,
your mom's gross
and nasty!
366
00:16:40,816 --> 00:16:42,249
Hey!
Not cool!
367
00:16:42,318 --> 00:16:43,517
That's a dude's mom!
368
00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:45,819
Well, she's also my mom.
369
00:16:45,888 --> 00:16:46,987
Your mom's a whore!
370
00:16:47,056 --> 00:16:48,133
Yeah! Suck it!
371
00:16:48,157 --> 00:16:49,590
You're a whore-daughter!
372
00:16:49,658 --> 00:16:51,041
Yeah, Griffin gets it!
373
00:16:56,398 --> 00:16:58,215
Boy, I'm really
looking forward to this.
374
00:16:58,284 --> 00:17:00,684
I really need some church
after the week I've had.
375
00:17:07,644 --> 00:17:09,477
(COUGHS) Sinner.
(COUGHS) Harlot.
376
00:17:09,546 --> 00:17:12,313
(COUGHS) Skank.
(COUGHS) I'm actually sick.
377
00:17:12,381 --> 00:17:15,182
You are no longer
welcome here, Lois Griffin.
378
00:17:15,251 --> 00:17:17,847
But, Father, I've been
an active member
of this church for...
379
00:17:17,871 --> 00:17:19,686
Leave this house of God!
380
00:17:19,755 --> 00:17:21,305
(ALL AGREEING)
381
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:23,390
But...
But I love the church.
382
00:17:23,460 --> 00:17:25,543
It's an important
part of my life.
383
00:17:25,612 --> 00:17:28,290
Maybe you should've
thought of that before
you made a porn.
384
00:17:28,314 --> 00:17:31,382
But, Father, I didn't mean...
Wait. Did you say "a porn"?
385
00:17:31,451 --> 00:17:32,917
Yes.
Oh.
386
00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:34,863
Well, that's
kind of weird.
Why?
387
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:35,948
Well, I mean, you'd either say,
388
00:17:35,972 --> 00:17:37,950
"You made porn,"
or "You made a porno."
389
00:17:37,974 --> 00:17:41,526
You don't say,
"Made a porn." It just...
It hits the ear wrong.
390
00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:44,945
Oh, God, have I been saying
it wrong this whole time?
391
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:52,169
Come on, Lois.
392
00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:54,216
If it makes you
feel any better,
I don't care.
393
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,451
And what does it matter
what those people
in church think?
394
00:17:56,475 --> 00:17:58,587
I mean, most of them
are just random
background people
395
00:17:58,611 --> 00:18:00,289
we've never seen before anyway.
396
00:18:00,313 --> 00:18:03,181
Half of them don't even move,
the other half just blink.
397
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:04,866
Peter, that...
That's very sweet,
398
00:18:04,934 --> 00:18:08,736
but how am I supposed
to live in this town
if I'm a social pariah?
399
00:18:08,805 --> 00:18:11,383
What's that?
Is that them little
fish that eat cows?
400
00:18:11,407 --> 00:18:13,808
Just...
Just leave me
alone, please.
401
00:18:13,877 --> 00:18:14,877
(SIGHS)
402
00:18:18,864 --> 00:18:21,224
Hey, Lois, can I talk
to you for a second?
403
00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:24,519
For the last time, Brian,
there's no link to
it anywhere online.
404
00:18:24,587 --> 00:18:28,472
No, no, that... That's not...
That's not what I'm here for.
405
00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:30,402
Look, Lois,
you did what you did,
406
00:18:30,426 --> 00:18:32,893
and there's nothing you
can change about that.
407
00:18:32,962 --> 00:18:35,808
But those people can only
make you feel ashamed
if you let them.
408
00:18:35,832 --> 00:18:37,509
If you own the choice
that you made,
409
00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:40,378
you take away all their
power to make you feel
bad about yourself.
410
00:18:40,402 --> 00:18:41,568
What do you mean?
411
00:18:41,637 --> 00:18:43,465
Well, you remember
a few years back,
412
00:18:43,489 --> 00:18:45,200
people used to
make all those jokes
413
00:18:45,224 --> 00:18:46,868
about how Ryan Seacrest was gay?
414
00:18:46,892 --> 00:18:48,837
And then he started
making those jokes himself,
415
00:18:48,861 --> 00:18:50,872
and now nobody makes
those jokes anymore.
416
00:18:50,896 --> 00:18:53,108
I mean, he's still gay,
but now it's no fun
to joke about it,
417
00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:55,043
because he...
He beat us to the punch.
418
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:57,084
My God!
419
00:18:57,153 --> 00:19:00,221
That little pole-smoker's
a fucking genius!
420
00:19:02,742 --> 00:19:04,926
And so did
the Corinthians finally
421
00:19:04,994 --> 00:19:07,160
write back to
Saint Paul, saying,
422
00:19:07,229 --> 00:19:09,149
"Dude, enough with the letters.
423
00:19:09,198 --> 00:19:10,676
"We have received them all,
424
00:19:10,700 --> 00:19:13,133
"and will get back to you
when we have the time.
425
00:19:13,202 --> 00:19:15,747
"And by the way,
a lot of the information
you're asking for
426
00:19:15,771 --> 00:19:17,170
"is available online."
427
00:19:19,609 --> 00:19:21,976
Oh, look, everybody,
it's the burning bush.
428
00:19:22,795 --> 00:19:23,795
(ALL GASPING)
429
00:19:28,201 --> 00:19:29,750
Hello, Father.
430
00:19:29,819 --> 00:19:32,931
I thought I made it
clear that you are
no longer welcome here.
431
00:19:32,955 --> 00:19:35,623
You know, I've been coming
to this church for years.
432
00:19:35,691 --> 00:19:37,375
I've heard all the stories.
433
00:19:37,443 --> 00:19:39,170
Who did Jesus hang around with?
434
00:19:39,194 --> 00:19:40,394
Mary Magdalene.
435
00:19:40,463 --> 00:19:41,595
And who was she?
436
00:19:41,664 --> 00:19:43,063
A prostitute.
437
00:19:43,132 --> 00:19:46,100
Which means,
if they had cameras
back then,
438
00:19:46,168 --> 00:19:48,319
I bet she would
have done a porno.
439
00:19:48,388 --> 00:19:49,388
(ALL CLAMORING)
440
00:19:53,726 --> 00:19:58,045
And if she did,
I know that Jesus
would have forgiven her.
441
00:19:58,113 --> 00:20:00,731
Am I any worse
than Mary Magdalene?
442
00:20:00,799 --> 00:20:04,618
And more importantly,
are you all better
than Jesus?
443
00:20:04,687 --> 00:20:06,253
I'm better than Jesus.
444
00:20:06,321 --> 00:20:09,106
Okay, yes, Tina Fey,
you're better than Jesus.
445
00:20:09,175 --> 00:20:10,841
But the rest of you...
446
00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:15,195
The rest of you need
to accept the fact that
I made a simple mistake.
447
00:20:15,264 --> 00:20:16,547
And here it is.
448
00:20:19,251 --> 00:20:21,168
(FUNKY INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
449
00:20:49,498 --> 00:20:50,514
(ALL GASPING)
450
00:21:03,862 --> 00:21:07,965
I know I'm a man of God,
but that shit is hot!
451
00:21:08,034 --> 00:21:09,616
(ALL CHEERING WILDLY)
452
00:21:19,678 --> 00:21:22,941
Oh, look at that. See,
now I'm really starting
to get suspicious.
453
00:21:22,965 --> 00:21:25,082
Somebody order a pizza?
454
00:22:02,171 --> 00:22:03,251
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