All language subtitles for Family Guy - S09E17 - Foreign Affairs [1080p Web x265][AAC 5.1][Sub][Ch]

ś It seems today
that all you see ś

ś Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ś

ś But where are those
good old-fashioned values ś

ś On which we used to rely? ś

ś Lucky there's a family guy ś

ś Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ś

ś All the things that make us ś

ś Laugh and cry ś

ś He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ś

MALE TV ANNOUNCER:
And now back to

the Disney Channel's
exclusive presentation,

Aladdin 5:
Jafar Answers the Census.

Okay, and how many people
live in your palace?

Um, does the bird count?

Does the bird live here?

Yes.
Then, yes, the
bird counts.

Uh, okay. Two.

Great.

What is your primary
source of income?

Um, sorcery.

And a little
from political corruption,

but primarily sorcery.

Yeah, I'll just
put sorcery.

Okay. Um, are you gay,
straight or not sure?

Uh, why are you
asking me this?

It's just... I-I don't...
I don't write the questions.

I know. It just seems
a little personal.
Yeah, I-I understand.

You're... you're free
not to answer it

if that's your choice.

No, no, no, it's okay.
You can put "not sure."

All right.
I'm off to Paris.

You guys going to be okay
without me for a week?

Ugh. I don't know.

I mean, who's going to put
those three magazines

in a neat stack
on the coffee table?

Lois, I realize you're excited
about going away

with Bonnie and all,
but could I... could I not

have to hear about the trip
when you get back?

I-I just...
I know you're going to have

pictures and stories,
and I-I just...

I-I-I just don't want to be
involved in any of that mess.

(knock at door)

You ready to go, Lois?

I sure am.
Oh, my God, Bonnie.

We're going to have
such a good time.

I know, and it's going to be
so much fun going with you.

Joe hates to fly

'cause they always put him
underneath with the dogs.

(dogs barking)

Indonesia better be worth it.

Okay. Bye, everyone.

Kids, you mind your father
while I'm gone.

Love you.

Bye, Mom.
Bye!

Oh, Peter,
I almost forgot.

Here's some money
for groceries

and a list
of the kids' schedules.

The fat man in charge
for a week?

He's going to be
in over his head.

Like when he was a boxing coach.

Punch him! Punch him again!
Punch him!

Punch him now! Again!
Now you're getting punched!

Punch back!
Don't let him hit you!

Get out of the way!
Punch him!

(bell clangs)
You know what I'm
going to tell you.

I got to punch him...
You got to
punch him more.

Hey, you ever check
Joe's Facebook?

Ugh, I know. Awful.

"Hittin' Cheesecake
Factory again. So amped."

And then the symbol
that means "wink."

Really? I mean, like,
why... why the wink?

I mean, is there...
is there something

that we're supposed
to be in on?

Is he not going there?

Is he... is
he not amped?

And-and... and who cares
if he is, you know?

Dick.

Coming up, our horribly outdated
scams reporter, Ken Redowski,

gets angry about a product
you don't care about.

Digital bathroom scales!

Thanks, Ken.
This just in:

there has been a confirmed
outbreak of goat flu

at James Woods High School.

Goat flu?
You got to be kidding me.

Every year, the stupid media

tries to scare us
with this kind of thing,

and every year,
it turns out to be nothing.

Yeah, it's nothing.
I know.

Every year,
it's nothing.
Well, now, hang on.

There might be
something to this.

Health officials have said

that a vaccine
is not yet available.

And if you're not scared yet,
here's some footage

of people sneezing
at a salad bar.

(sneezing)

Oh, dear.
Here's some footage

of people licking
subway turnstiles.

Oh.
Here's some footage of a man

with the flu making out with you
while you're asleep.

Oh, my God!

While James Woods High
remains open,

students are reminded
to wash their hands frequently

and watch for early signs
of infection.

Oh, my God. I got to get
the kids out of there.

What?
What are you talking about?

I'm talking
about homeschooling, Brian.

Just until the crisis is over.

Peter, that's a complete
overreaction.

I don't think
Lois would be happy

if you pulled the kids
out of school.

Well, she left me in charge,
didn't she?

And besides, you know me.

When I set my mind to something,
I am not easily deterred.

Like when I tried out
to be an Olympic gymnast.

(inhales deeply)

(gun fires)

(crowd gasps, cheers)

You did it, Peter.

Why'd you shoot me?

Because I'm weird,
creepy coach.

Now, let me give you
inappropriate personal shower

while I smoke and forbid
you to see parent.

This is... Somebody should
look into this sport.

Uh, I'd like to apologize
for yesterday,

when I assigned you
lab partners.

It has come to my attention
that this is an English class.

(knock at door)

(indistinct whispering)

Griffin?

Chris, Meg, I spoke to
your father on the phone,

and he said you needed to
be removed from school.

I didn't believe it
was really him at first,

but then I received
another call

from the very person
who I thought

was pretending
to be him.

It caused quite a
stir in my office.

Come on, children.

Is everything
all right?

Everything's fine.
It's me.

I just dressed up like your
father to jazz your teachers

and get you
out of here.
What do you mean?

I'm taking you
out of here.

That place is riddled
with goat flu, so I'm
gonna homeschool you kids.

Oh, okay.

Dad, where'd you
get this car?

I borrowed it
from Quagmire.

He's not home 'cause he got
abducted by aliens last night.

So, do you guys just
not do the anal probe anymore?

Is that...?
No, that's more
or less been retired.

I see, I see.

D-Do you still have the thing?

Oh, my God,
what a beautiful room.

Paris is so incredible.

I can't believe
we're really here.

I know.

Look at all the
people on the street.

Not a lot of people
of color here,

but the ones that are
black are really black.

I've noticed that, too.

All right, I've got
our whole day planned.

First, we'll go
to the Louvre.

Then we'll go shopping
along the Champs-Elysées.

Uh, Lois, I should
probably tell you

I didn't come all the way here
to go to museums and shops.

Well, I-I don't understand.

Why'd you even want
to come here, then?

Lois, I came here
to have an affair.

An affair?

With who?

Anyone.
My God.

Well, can we at least do
some Muppet-style
sightseeing first?

(accordion music playing)

All right, settle down.

Good morning, class.

BOTH:
Morning, Dad.

We're going to need a few
things for this class--

an eagerness to learn,
a thirst for knowledge--

but one thing we
won't need is this.

That's right, I know
you're all used to teachers

wearing tuxedos and Dracula
capes, but not this one.

There will be no pretense
in this classroom.

There will only be open
minds and new horizons.

Get ready for adventure.

I know some teachers
think class should be

an exercise in structure,
but not Mr. Griffin.

This is what my
class will be: this!

Learn with me!

Let's teach each other!

Yay, learning!

Chris, "A."

Meg, "F."

Ah, you know, this is
how you take a vacation.

Oh, Bonnie, would
you look at that?

I've never seen anything
like that before--

a croissant with
almonds on it.

And, and could you
bring me a beer?

Oh, I feel
so elegant.

What are you
going to have?

You know
what I'd really like?

A piece of that.

Bonnie, for God's
sake, stop it.

Lois, I already told you,
I'm in Paris to have an affair.

I'll even do a Muslim
if I have to.

But I just can't believe
you'd throw away

all those years with Joe
just to have some silly fling.

I'm not throwing
anything away.

Joe and I have been growing
apart for a long time.

Besides, we've had
a good run.

We've been married
for 80 years.

You what?

Well, that's in married-
to-a-handicapped-guy years.

Go, Dallas Cowboys, huh?
Hello.

Excuse me?

You are American, no?

I very much admire
your Garry Shandling.

Look, I know where
you're going with this,

and we're not
interested, okay,

so you might as well
just keep moving.

I'm interested.

(laughing lasciviously)

Bonnie.

Would you like to sample
a warm French baguette?

Oh, my.

My intention is to
void myself on you.

Oh, I'd almost forgotten
what it's like to be romanced.

Come on, Bonnie,
we are leaving.

What?
Look, I'm doing
you a favor.

My stool will sleep
alone tonight.

Bonnie, this is insanity.

Promise me you'll put
this whole affair thing

out of your head.

Lois, I'm just
having fun.

You're playing
with fire.

Look, no marriage
is perfect,

but Joe's the man you
gave your life to,

and besides,
you have a little girl.

You really want to be setting
this kind of example?

(sighs)

I guess you're right, Lois.

It's just that
sometimes I feel

like I don't even
know Joe anymore.

It's like I've become a
different person and so has he.

(American Dad theme playing)

ś Good morning, USA! ś

ś I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ś

ś The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ś

ś And he's shining a salute
to the American race ś

ś Oh, boy, it's swell to say ś

ś Good morning, USA ś

ś Good morning, USA! ś

All right, class, this
course is going to cover

all the significant
moments in human history,

starting with the settling
of the Old West,

where brave pioneers survived
against long odds.

Honey, I have to go into town
to get some supplies,

so I'm probably going to die,
but if I don't,

I'll see you in 18 months
with a canvas bag of salt

and a tin of whale fat
for the children.

I've dug graves out back
for all of you

in the likely event that you,
too, shall perish.

WOMAN:
You were a good man, Abraham.

Please scrawl that
on a rough-hewn
piece of wood in my honor.

I shall.

(roaring, shrieking)

The reign of Henry VIII.

Did you enjoy what I
just did for you, sire?

Yes, very much so.

Wow, when this is over, I am
definitely keeping her head.

Joseph Smith discovering
the Book of Mormon.

Oh, an old
Con Ed bill--

I mean, a new testament
of Jesus Christ;

everyone has
to sleep with me.

What?
And no dancing.

But recent years
have also seen

many important
historical events.

1985 brought us the gayest
music video of all time.

(echoing whistle)

Okay, Tokyo.

(alternating male voices)
South America,
Australia, France.

Germany, U.K.

(whistling)
Africa!

(upbeat intro to "Dancing in
the Street" featuring trumpets)

ś Calling out
around the world ś

ś Are you ready
for a brand-new beat? ś

ś Summer's here,
and the time is right ś

ś For dancing in the street ś

ś Dancing in Chicago ś

ś Dancing in the street ś

ś Down in New Orleans ś

ś Dancing in the street ś

ś In New York City ś

ś Dancing in the street ś

ś All we need is music,
sweet music ś

ś Sweet music ś

ś There'll be music
everywhere ś

ś Everywhere ś

ś They'll be swinging, swaying,
records playing ś

ś Dancing in the street ś

ś Whoa ś

ś It doesn't matter
what you wear ś

ś Just as long
as you are there ś

ś So come on, every guy,
grab a girl ś

ś Everywhere
around the world ś

ś They'll be dancing ś

ś Dancing in the street ś

ś Dancing in the street ś

ś It's an invitation
across the nation ś

ś A chance for folks to meet ś

ś They'll be laughing
and singing ś

ś And music swinging ś

ś Dancing in the street ś

ś Philadelphia, P-A ś

ś Dancing in the street ś

ś Baltimore and DC now ś

ś Dancing in the street ś

ś Don't forget
the Motor City ś

ś Dancing in the street ś

ś On the streets of Brazil ś

ś Dancing in the street ś

ś Back in the USSR ś

ś Dancing in the street ś

ś No matter where you are ś

ś Dancing in the street ś

ś All we need is music,
sweet music ś

ś Sweet music ś

ś There'll be music everywhere ś

ś Everywhere ś

ś They'll be swinging, swaying,
records playing ś

ś And dancing
in the street ś

ś Oh ś

ś It doesn't matter
what you wear ś

ś Just as long
as you are there ś

ś So come on, every guy,
grab a girl ś

ś Everywhere,
around the world ś

ś They'll be dancing ś

ś Dancing in the street ś

ś Dancing in the street ś

ś Way down in L.A. ś

ś Every day ś

ś Dancing in the street ś

ś Dancing in the street ś

ś Cross in China, too ś

ś Me and you ś

ś Dancing in the street ś

ś Dancing in the... ś

That happened,
and we all let it happen.

All right, class,
two things today.

I'm no good at math,

and I don't have a certificate
to teach driver's ed,

so I hired a math tutor
and a driver's ed guy.

Okay, so, do you use my car,

or do you have, like,
a special one you brought?

Um, I'm the
math tutor.

Really? No way!

So that means you're the...
Driver's ed instructor, yes.

Well, I'll be
a son of a gun!

(laughing)
All right, time to learn math
from a black guy, I guess!

Ah! This is such
an amazing city!

L-Like, I could see them
having a special episode

of The Biggest Loser here!

Uh, Lois, didn't you see I
tied a tampon to the doorknob?

No. What does that mean?

It's what we used to do
in our sorority when
we had... company.

Company? What are you...?

Oh, my God.

Look, Lois, don't make
a big deal about it.

I just needed a
change from Joe.

Bonjour.

Lois, this is François.

(laughs)

Oh, you're serious.

Okay, students, 40 of you
will begin this course,

but only ten of you
will finish it.

Why is every day an introduction
to the course?

Now I know some teachers think
they're working outside the box

when they have class
on the lawn.

Well, I'm gonna take it
a step further.

We're gonna do peyote
in the desert.

(intro to the Doors'
"Riders on the Storm" plays)

(bird screeches)

Oh, it's beautiful!

Everything is so beautiful!

Come dance with me, Dad!

Soon, Meg, soon.

But first I must inhale.

(inhales deeply)

And again.

(inhales deeply)

And again.

(inhales deeply)

Let's go to the Hollywood Hills
and kill a bunch of people.

Oh, Bonnie,
if I were a skunk

and you were a cat
who kept repeatedly wandering

into areas
where there was wet paint,

I would look at that stripe
on your back

and think you
were another skunk,

and I would try to rape you.

And it would be legal
because we are in France.

Oh, François, it's
like I'm in a dream.

Bonnie, I have something
very important to ask you.

What is it?

I have so enjoyed your intimacy

these past few days.

Will you stay here with me?

Here? In-in Paris?

Ugh, there you are,
Bonnie.

I've been looking
all over for you.

Lois, this is good timing.

There's something I
need to tell you.
What is it?

François has asked me to
stay here in Paris with him.

Oh, my God,
you're not gonna do it, are you?

Well, I-I don't know.

I'm thinking about it.

I-I can't believe
what I'm hearing right now.

You can't do this, Bonnie!

Oh, is that right?

Now you're telling me
what I can and can't do?

I invited you on
this trip to hang out

while I have sex with strangers,
and this is how you repay me?

I'll see you
back at the hotel.

I apologize for my
friend, François.

So, will you stay with me?

Well, it's tempting.

Paris is such a perfect city.

Ah, that is not entirely true.

We have a lot
of mime-on-mime violence.

All right, class, today's
final exam will consist

of two parts:
oral and anal.

Dad, we got to go back
to school--real school.

What do you mean?
The goat flu outbreak

at school is over,
and honestly,

I'm afraid we're
not learning anything.

Oh, Meg,
you couldn't be wronger.

You're learning
everything. Watch.

Chris, dates--
Battle of Hastings!
I don't know.

Franco-Prussian War!
I don't know.

Sherman's March
to the Sea!
I don't know.

Cuban Missile Crisis!
No idea.

Trail of Tears!
Never heard of it.

Death of
Charlemagne!
What is that?

Treaty of
Augsburg!
I got nothing.

Cortez reaches
South America!
Pumping a dry well.

Teapot Dome
Scandal!
Sounds fake.

September 11, 2001!
Also sounds fake.

The Bronze Age!
Nope.

King James Bible!
No.

San Juan Hill!
No!

Wounded Knee!
Great Schism!
Stop!

Dad!
I'll take you
back to school.

Oh, there you are.

Hurry up now, Bonnie.
We're gonna miss
our plane.

Lois, I've thought
a lot about this,

and I'm not going with you.

What?! What do you mean?

I'm staying here
with François.

I see. You know, I thought

you might say something
like this,

and that's why I called someone
who might be able
to change your mind.

(gasps)
Joe, what are you doing here?!

I came as soon
as Lois told me, Bonnie.

Please don't do it.

I'm sorry that I've
been neglecting you lately,

but I love you,
and I need you.

Please come home with me.

Oh, Joe, I'm sorry.

This is so hard.

Think about what we have
together, honey.

Think about our little girl.

You need to come home
with me.

Bonnie, stay
with me.

I promise, it will take
three years with this accent

before you figure out
I'm just a normal jerk.

Bonnie, listen to me.
I'm your husband.

He may be your husband, but
I would do anything for you.

Well, there's one thing
he can't do.

(inhales deeply)

Bonnie, I didn't think
it would have to come to this,

but I can see
there's only one way left

to prove my love to you.

(grunting)

(whimpering)

(slow, quivering breaths)

Joe! I don't believe it!

You're walking!

I am! I am!

Aah! I would
do anything for love,

but I won't do that.

Oh, Joe, I love you!

I love you so much!

I love you, too, Bonnie!

Let's go home, Joe.

You know what?

You can keep your
Paris, France.

I'll take
Quahog any day.

I mean, all that
place is, is skinny guys

rubbing up against you
in buses and subways,

jabbing you in the
thigh with their thing.

Yeah, countries is weird.

But at least you helped
save Joe and Bonnie's marriage.

I know. Those two lovebirds
haven't left their bedroom

since we got back.

(truck reverse
signal beeping)

(drill whirring,
gear grinding)

Ah, romance.

Speaking of which,
we ain't boofed
in a whole week.

Yeah, but what
about the kids?

Ah, they're back at school.

Turns out I wasn't quite
the professor I thought I was.

This is what my class
is all about!

Learn with
me, children!

Let's teach each other!

Chris, you know this.

Sherman's March to the Sea!

Yes! Finally
someone gets it!

Ah, (bleep),
children!

My (bleep) elbow!

Oh, all the saints
in Christendom!

My elbow's shattered!

Oh, it's shattered
to (BLEEP)!

Somebody get
the nurse!

Get that big,
(bleep) black nurse!

Oh, I am so
(bleep)!