Original subtitles

It seems today that all you see.

Is violence in movies and sex on TV.

But where are those good old-fashioned values.

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy.

Lucky there's a man who positively can do.

All the things that make us.

Laugh and cry.

He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

All right, come on, hurry up, Brian.

I don't want to miss the movie trivia slides before the movie.

Peter, those questions are the easiest,

most pandering things in the world.

Oh! Oh! Tim Honks! Tim Honks!

Forrest Gump. I win.

Who?

Ah, good. It's starting.

Yeah, that's what you say.

I can never figure out when the hell the studio logos end

and the actual movie begins.

All right. Let's see what you got, FOX.

Oh, I bet that's a sea monst...

Oh, that's not the movie.

That's... yeah, I think I heard of them.

Here we go. Movie!

Well, now, that seems intentionally misleading.

All right, someone's coming to town.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Oh, all right. Period movie.

Oh, not a period movie.

Oh, this guy's in trouble.

Can't wait to hear his story.

Oh, come on!

Psst. Hey, Brian. You want a drink?

You snuck in liquor?

Yeah, loosens me up so I can talk to the people around me.

All right, I'll, uh, get in on that.

Hey, I already seen this movie.

Let's talk... let's talk about other movies we've seen.

That's an excellent idea.

I like... I like The Madness of King George.

Well, I don't know what that is,

but The... The Cat From Outer Space

is a solid motion picture.

Oh, and... and I like... I like King Ralph

'cause... 'cause that's... that's the last guy

you'd expect to be king of nothing.

Hey, shut up!

Hey, I'm... I'm not the only one talking.

That... that big guy up there on the screen's

been talking through the whole movie.

Hey, jerk. Hey, you keep it down.

I-I don't... I don't think he's...

that he's listening to you. Let's get him.

Dear Liesl, I'd like to be able to tell you

how I feel about you.

Leeza, get a... get away from him. He's a "Nazzi."

I-I know Jews is bad, but thems is worse.

Sit down! Move.

Stop blocking the screen, you jerk!

I don't think... I don't think you heard me, buddy.

Step away from the young lady.

All right, Ian Ziering, you asked for it.

Oh, my God. I think I'm in Narnia.

Where am I?

Hey, those guys are backwards now.

Get away from her!

We got a report of a disturban...

Oh, what the hell, Peter?

Joe, thank God. There's a situation here.

I've got a sore finger.

I don't give a crap. We got bigger problems!

Mr. Griffin and Mr. Griffin,

this court finds you guilty of creating a public disturbance

and destruction of private property.

And all of this while under the influence of alcohol.

Your Honor, if you'll just let us explain...

I've heard all the testimony I'm prepared to hear.

This court sentences you both

to 30 days of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Well, Your Honor, in that case,

I'll have to call my surprise witness, Mr. Sockerby.

Mr. Sockerby, before we begin,

have you ever been convicted of a felony?

Yes, but that bitch had it coming.

Ah, okay. Uh, Your Honor, I'm...

I'm afraid I have to withdraw this witness,

and I am going to those things you said I have to go to.

This sucks. Can't believe that judge

is making us go to a month of AA.

You know, if you ask me, this is going to be

a good thing for both of you.

There's a lesson you need to learn.

What are you talking about? What lesson?

I don't need to go to AA.

I'm a social drinker, not an alcoholic.

Yeah, that's like saying rappers are really poets.

I'm not saying she's a gold digger,

but she's not messing with...

Who isn't she messing with?

Hey, y'all.

Okay, we got us a few new friends here joining us tonight.

So let's all say us a big hello to Peter and Brian.

- Hello, Peter and Brian. - Hi there.

All right, who'd like to kick us off?

I will.

Um, my name is Greg, and, uh, I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Greg.

One fateful night, I, uh, got behind the wheel

of my brand-new sports car, blind-drunk.

I was responsible for the death

of an innocent eight-year-old girl.

What kind? What?

What kind of car?

You said you had a sports car.

That's cool, but what kind?

It was a Miata.

Oh, come on. That's not a sports car.

How... how does that even kill a kid?

What, did you hit her over the head with it?

That's a legitimate sports car. No. Next.

Jenny, would you like to talk?

My name is Jenny, and I'm an alcoholic.

Geez, anybody here in any other line of work?

Hi, Jenny.

Before I found AA, my ex-boyfriend and I

used to get drunk and party all night.

I missed work half the time.

One morning, I woke up naked with three Persians

high-fiving each other on the way out of my bedroom.

But now that I've joined the program,

I'm a whole different person.

And my two new cats, Clean and Sober,

just think I'm tops.

That's wonderful, Jenny.

All right. Peter, do you have a story that you'd like to share?

Oh, yeah, I got one.

This one time, me and Joe and Quagmire made a bet

to see who could drink the most beer and still drive.

And you know that water slide in South Attleboro?

Yeah! Water slide!

Summer fun!

Peter, it sounds to me like alcohol

is a very destructive influence in your life.

You need to relinquish your dependence

and give yourself over to a higher power.

You have a different view, Brian?

Oh, I-I don't know. Are we...

are we allowed to have a different view?

Brian, AA is the only way out for these people.

Millions are saved every year by the program.

Hey, people got along just fine

for thousands of years without AA.

Just like they got along

for thousands of years without religion.

I like you and have no reason not to.

I like you and have no reason not to.

Hey, did you hear about that magic baby

that was born in Bethlehem?

Oh, there you boys are.

How was your meeting?

29 more and we're done... That's how it was.

That doesn't sound like the right attitude.

Lois, you weren't there. It was awful.

Just a bunch of losers telling boring stories.

"My drinking ruined my marriage."

"My drinking ruined my family."

My drinking ruined my TV show, 24."

I see you got your own thing going on this week,

but there's a new teacher at preschool

who deactivates the camera and then hits us.

Brian, AA's been around for years.

It's helped a lot of people get over their addiction.

No, it hasn't.

They've just traded one addiction for another.

Their life goes from being all about drinking

to being all about AA.

The only difference is,

when it's all about drinking, they're more fun.

Well, like it or not,

you got to stick it out for 30 days.

You know what sucks, Brian?

We don't got a problem with our drinking.

It's everybody else who's got a problem with our drinking.

Wait a minute. Peter, that's it.

The issue isn't that these people are alcoholics.

They just have nowhere to drink without being judged.

She slams us into the monkey bars,

but none of us have the language skills to call her on it.

And then this one time, I was so drunk,

I gave someone a back adjustment.

I'm not a chiropractor.

You got to go to a weekend of school for that.

Hey, hey.

Anyone in the house addicted to alcohol?

Hi. Hello, Peter.

I enjoy alcohol.

I can't hear you.

Me. Hello. I have a very serious problem.

Mr. Griffin, alcohol is forbidden at our meetings.

Look, j-just hear me out.

I sat here and listened to you bums the other day,

and I got to tell you, I have never seen a duller bunch

of pathetic bastards in my life.

I don't know who you were when you were drinking,

but it sure as hell's got to be better

than who you are when you're sober.

Yeah, you all stopped drinking

because you were hurting your loved ones.

But you can't hurt them if they don't know you're drunk.

Let's make this our sanctuary.

I wants me that beer.

Attention, patrol cars,

we've got a noise complaint at the Quahog Community Center.

Is anyone in the area?

Wait a minute. That's where Peter's AA meeting is.

So I clicked on it, and the...

the girl's got a bigger wang than I got.

No way.

No way, right?

So I did... so I just put my thumb over it,

and then... and that got me through the rest of...

of the... of the session.

Oh, no. There's a policeman coming.

All right, everybody, you know what to do.

Alcoholics, transform.

All right, what the hell's going on in here?

We got a noise complaint. Joe, shh. Peter's about to start.

We are gathered here again tonight, fellow AA members,

to talk about the greatest temptation

the Devil ever created...

Alcohol.

Mr. Booze

Mr. Booze

Mr. Booze

Mr. B-double-O-Z-E.

That sure spells booze.

You will wind up wearing tattered shoes.

If you mess with Mr. Booze.

Don't mess with Mr. Booze.

Don't mess with Mr. Booze.

Don't mess with B-double-O-Z-E.

If you've been so stiff they thought you died.

You'll feel better once you've testified.

Testify Oh, yeah.

Testify I want to testify. I want to testify.

Well, then, cleanse yourself, my son. Cleanse yourself.

One time, I took a "liberry" book out,

and I fells asleep reading it, and I left it under the bed.

I forgot about it for three and a half years.

I was going to take it back on Amnesty Day,

but on Amnesty Day, I had a sip of rosГ© wine,

and I never made it out of the house.

Who's to blame? Who's to blame?

What's his name? We know his name.

His name is Mr. Booze

Mr. Booze

Mr. B-double-O-Z-E, don't ever choose.

Any game you play with him you lose.

So don't mess with Mr. Booze.

If your head feels like it's two miles wide Two miles wide.

You'll feel better once you've testified Testify.

Oh, yes Testify

I want to testify. I want to testify.

Well, come forward, dear brother, and testify.

I used to be a soda pop guy.

Then I switched to the bottle.

Now I don't leave my couch,

and I've seen every movie ever.

You name a movie, I've seen it.

Meet Dave. Seen it.

The Eiger Sanction. Seen it.

Donovan's Reef. Seen it.

License to Drive. Definitely seen it.

That's a shame What a shame.

Who's to blame? For Corey Haim?

His name is Mr. Booze, Mr. Booze

Mr. B-double-O-Z-E, you must refuse.

You'll make the obituary news.

If you mess with Mr. Booze.

If you've been so stiff they thought you died.

You'll feel better once you've testified.

Testify, testify.

This man wants to testify.

Very well, my brother.

Let us lead him on the path of righteousness.

This poor gentleman used to speak

in long, eloquent sentences,

but after years of drinking,

he can only speak in short, choppy utterances.

Why, at one time, if you asked him

who his favorite musicians were,

he'd say Leonard Bernstein, Johann Sebastian Bach

and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

But thanks to that old devil hooch, it's all changed.

Who's your favorite musician, Ollie?

Cher!

He doesn't even like Cher.

Now, alcohol makes a big man small.

And can lead to a life of crime Yeah!

Demon rum makes a gent a bum.

And you cash in before your time.

Yeah! Bootleg gin puts you in a spin.

Till you don't even know your name Yeah!

You're a basket case flat on your face.

And there's only one guy to blame

Mr. B-double-O-Z-E

Mr. Booze, Mr. Booze

Mr. B-double-O-Z-E, don't ever choose.

You will wind up wearing tattered shoes.

If you mess with Mr. Booze.

Don't mess with Mr. Booze.

Oh, Mr. Booze.

Don't mess with Mr. Booze.

Oh, Mr. Booze.

Don't mess with Mr. Booze.

Don't mess with B-double-O-Z-E.

'Cause that spells booze.

And you're gonna lose with Mr. Booze.

Oh, yeah.

Don't mess around with Mr. Booze.

Don't mess with Mr. Booze.

That's what he said, now Don't mess with Mr. Booze.

Oh, Mr. Booze Don't mess with Mr. Booze.

Don't you mess with Mr. Booze, don't mess with Mr.

Don't you mess with Mr., oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.

Don't mess with, ah-ah.

Oh, Mr. Booze.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.

Yeah!

Wow, you guys. I'm impressed

that you're taking your sentence so seriously.

And I know that the court will be happy to hear this, too.

Now, if you'll just keep it down

so I don't get any more complaints.

Sure. No problem, Joe.

Thanks for stopping by.

Yay!

So what do you say, guys?

Should we take this party to Denny's

and hang out with the cast of the high school play?

Nah. I think I'm... I'm just going to go home.

All right. You okay to drive?

Oh, yeah, I'll be fine.

I-I'll crank the heat, roll up the windows

and blast the Lullaby Channel. I'll be fine.

All right, take it easy.

All right, you, too. Get out of here.

Hey! Like your jeans.

Thanks. What... hey, what size are you?

Yeah, I don't think we're the same size.

Yeah, we'll figure it out tomorrow.

Come on, Brian. You ready to go home?

Uh, no, Peter.

I'm going to... I'm going to... going to meet Jenny's cats.

What are you talking about? You hate cats.

I'm going... to meet... her cats.

Geez. All right. Okay. All right.

You don't have to get all c-c-cat...

Hey, hey, cat dog, right?

You're a cat dog.

Hey, cat dog.

Cat dog.

Cat dog.

Hey, where's... you know,

where's all the poop go when the cat...

when the... in a... in a cat dog...?

When the cat poops...

what, does it come out of the dog's mouth?

And... and vice versa?

Oh, God.

Oh, that's... that's some kind of living hell.

That's some...

that's some kind of living hell, Brian.

Okay, I got to go.

You... you have a good time with Jenny.

Geez. Cat dog.

What-what if... what if they...

what if they want to marry different people?

You got a lawsuit on your hands.

That's what... that's what happens.

All right... all right, look,

let's get some music going on in here.

Where's the Lullaby Channel?

A gentle breeze.

From Hushabye Mountain.

Softly blows.

For Lullaby Bay.

Please be Rosie O'Donnell.

Please be Rosie O'Donnell. Please be Rosie O'Donnell.

Wait. Is it?

Hey.

Hey, fatty, wake up.

What... what the... what happened?

You're dead, jackass.

You died in a drunk driving accident.

Oh, God. Did I hold on to the touchdown pass?

What the...? What's wrong with you?

You know what?

I was so drunk, my ghost is drunk.

Look, I've been told I can give you another chance,

but there's some things we have to do first.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you understanding alcohol

just a little bit better.

Peter, I'm going to show you where your life is headed

if you keep drinking as much as you do.

All right, Peter. Here we are.

Well, everything looks fine.

All right, family. Line up for cigar burns.

Yow!

Wait a minute. Who are you?

I'm your other son, MacCawber.

Here for my cigar burn, good sir.

Stewie, go on, get out of here,

you stupid "laugh and cry, effin' cry."

What's the difference?

What's this?

This is the bathroom at my work.

That's right.

And there you are in the stall

with your boss, Angela. What?!

Oh, my God, Angela.

That was... that was... that felt so good.

All I want to do is please you, Griffin.

Well that... that was a good idea you had

dunking your hand in the toilet.

Oh, my God! I wouldn't have sex with Angela!

She's disgusting!

Not when you're drunk, she's not.

All right, Death, I get it.

I wish I'd never touched a drop

of alcohol in my life.

Never touched a drop, huh?

Well, guess what.

I'm going to show you that, too.

Okay, get ready for this.

Hey, hey, hey, gang!

Everybody line up for a triple "H":

A hug, a handshake or a high five. Your call.

Lois, hug... You got it.

Stewie, hug... Two in a row.

Try for three, Chris?

Oh, no, high five.

Well, that's okay. High five's great, too.

Meg, back to the hug. All right.

Hugs may win it today.

And we close with a handshake.

And all in time for my big bike ride announcement.

Who the is this jerk?

That's you, Peter, alcohol-free.

Hey, look, there's Joe and Quagmire.

Hey, let's have a drink with them.

You've never touched a drop, Peter.

You don't even know those guys.

Those are your friends over there.

Hey, do you guys mind keeping it down?

We're trying to have a conversation here.

Some people. Gee whiz.

Those are your friends, Phillip, Ernest and Jonathan.

Do I at least call him Jon?

No, he prefers Jonathan.

Aw, one of those guys?

You know, I have started taking

a Bufferin baby aspirin every day.

It's improved my heart one heck of a heap,

I'll tell you that, pardon my French.

This is even worse than the other one.

I mean, it's cool I know French,

but, Death, this ain't me.

What am I supposed to do?

If I'm a drunk, I'm a jerk,

and if I'm sober, I'm a douche.

Exactly, Peter.

It's called moderation.

You don't have to give up the booze cold turkey.

You just have to be responsible with it.

You members of the human race

have the ability to send a man to the moon

and make Justin Long a movie star.

With that kind of willpower, don't you think you can learn

to put the bottle down just sometimes?

We did it with Justin Long, didn't we?

America said no, but we kept at it.

All right, Death.

I'll try.

Well, we're home.

30 days of sobriety, and we can finally drink again.

Oh, for God's sake, Peter,

didn't you learn anything from this?

Yes, I did, Lois.

These are going in the garbage.

But these... I'm keeping for myself.

Moderation, Lois.

Wow, Peter.

I never thought I'd see the day.

Good for you.

From now on, half of every six-pack I buy

is going in the trash.

Hey, how... how come we're the only animals

with poo that's white?

I know. What the hell?

Right? We're not... we're not eating white stuff.

Hey, you want something good?

Just look for the containers that say "KFC" on them.

There's always something good in there.

Dude, that's birds in there.

You're eat... you're eating another bird.

What? That's bird meat, dude.

Wh-what? No.

You're eating a bird.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!