Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

[ Wind whistling ]

[ Buffalo snorts ]

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♪♪

[Dallas] Remind me again why we're doing this.

[Kourtney] Because Belinda was traveling in Tibet,

and she feels guilty that she wasn't here when Mom died.

[Dallas] All right.

So guilty, it took her two months to get on a plane.

♪♪

[ Car lock chirps ]

[ Car alarm blaring ]

Forget something?

[ Alarm continues ]

[ Car lock chirps ]

[Kourtney] Sorry.

[Dallas] It's okay.

♪♪

Oh.

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Quietly ] What the...?

[ Whispering ] Why is it so hot in here?

I thought I was having a hot flash.

Excuse me. Um, we're here to see...

Uh, I forgot his name, actually.

Um, I had his business card...

um, the man that's helping us with this?

Um... shit. Uh...

[Woman] It's okay. Just tell me yours.

Uh, Kourtney. We're here, um...

for a cremation.

My... My mother's cremation.

Our mother's cre... Our mother's cremation.

- Uh... - So sorry for your loss.

Thank you. She actually died a couple months ago...

almost a couple months ago.

But my sister... our sister... our youngest sister,

she's been traveling in Tibet, she's trying to find herself.

And so, anyway, we're finally here.

- She should be here any minute. - Our mother's name was Ramona.

Oh, yeah. Ramona.

Looks like we're almost ready for you guys.

You can just take a seat in the waiting room.

[Kourtney] Okay.

Is that, uh...?

It's like right over there.

Like... right there.

- [ Quietly ] It's fine. - It's clearly labeled.

We must have missed it.

- Thank you. - Sure.

Right here?

[Woman] Yeah. That one.

Thank you.

♪♪

- [ Exhales deeply ] - Wow. She's fantastic.

Ah. Remind me why we're doing this again.

- Mm. - [ Sighs ]

♪♪

- Damn it! - What is his name again?

Go ask the receptionist. She was helpful.

Oh, yeah. She's kind of cute. Maybe you should ask her.

[ Clicks tongue ]

Don't do that.

Why don't we just call him Grim? Mr. Reaper?

He is not death himself. He is a mortician.

Please. He's about to flambée our mom like a crème brûlée.

He's at least Reaper once removed.

Hello. Hi.

Dallas. Kourtney.

- Hi. Uh... - Hi. Uh...

Uh, hey.

It's nice to see you both again.

We just need a few more minutes to finish preparing your mom.

And I do apologize about the temperature in here.

It's... I think something's wrong with the thermostat.

And does that, uh, affect anything in there?

Oh, yeah. Big time.

- Oh, I... - Well, maybe we shouldn't...

I don't want to see that if she's gonna be...

- [Kourtney] How does she look? - Oh, no no, no.

Your mom looks great. She's been in the cooler.

Oh, well, that's good.

But, yeah, anything over 70 degrees,

things happen pretty fast.

You know, decomposition, it's... it's really

the most fascinating thing.

The enzymes, they start to break down...

[Woman] Ramona's up.

Excuse me.

Fascinating.

- He really likes his job. - A little too much.

[ Kourtney scoffs ]

Okay. We're ready.

Please follow me.

♪♪

Jesus.

♪♪

[ Whispering ] We still don't know his name.

♪♪

[ Whispering ] Just call him Reaper.

♪♪

[Belinda] One of the hardest parts is going to be finding

the right urn for my mom.

[Woman] I'm sure it will be.

[Belinda] I mean, we can't just pick something random.

[Woman] Of course not.

[Belinda] So, I was thinking that,

since my mom is from Trinidad

and I'm going to be taking her home,

maybe a steel-drum urn?

[Woman] What is that?

[Belinda] Oh, you know, like a calypso drum.

[Woman] Oh, yeah. Do those exist?

[Belinda] Everything exists.

[Woman] Oh, here we are.

[Kourtney] God, why isn't she here yet?

I don't know. She couldn't find a Sherpa

to piggyback her to the airstrip?

- Namaste. - Oh, namaste.

[Kourtney] We can't do it without her.

I mean, she's the one who wanted this.

[Dallas] Oh, that's right. That's why we're doing this.

Not for Mom, not for us.

♪♪

[ Knocking on door ]

Hey! Hi!

I got here as fast as I could.

Did you walk?

- Oh. Hi, honey, I missed you. - Hi! I missed you, too.

Is Peter coming?

Oh, no. He wanted to give us some space.

I don't need space.

Well, he's with the kids,

and they are so excited for tomorrow.

What's tomorrow?

Halloween.

Jesus. How long are you staying for, exactly?

Am I already unwelcome?

- [ Chuckles ] - Of course not.

But, seriously, how long?

10 weeks. Why 10 weeks?

To shepherd the family through the holidays.

Took you two months to get here,

and you're the shepherd?

It took me 49 days exactly on purpose,

to allow for the bardo to take place.

The what?

Uh, the initial stages of death. It's Buddhist.

I must have missed that day in World Religion.

Didn't you miss all of college? Ha.

[ Laughter ]

What's with the suit?

Dallas had a job interview.

Ooh, Lizzy's finally demanding a little alimony, huh?

So, what's the hold-up? Where's Mom?

Oh, she's running behind due to the fact that she's deceased.

Well, I know that, but where's her body?

Where's Mitchell?

Oh, Mitch. That's it!

[Belinda] You forgot his name?

How do you know his name? You've been in Tibet.

Well, I called the morgue after she died.

His name is Mitchell Webber. Or it might be Webber. [Vebber]

- He's German. - [Dallas] Oh, that's just great.

The German's about to put my mom in the oven.

He's an interesting guy.

His parents are from Germany,

he's an avid golfer, and he loves tuna melts.

No one loves tuna melts.

I do.

Anyway, we've been talking on the phone.

[Dallas] I thought you didn't have a phone.

I didn't. Then I did.

- You bug me. - Clearly.

[ Knock on door ]

- Hi, everyone. - Oh.

- [Dallas] Hi, Mitch. - [Kourtney] Mitch, hi.

It's Mitchell.

- Hi. - Hi.

You must be Belinda.

It's so nice to finally meet you.

Oh!

Oh, we have met. Just not in this lifetime.

That's pretty.

Thanks.

Please.

[ Clears throat ] So...

Everything is on schedule.

It'll just be a couple of minutes.

I do want to reiterate that this is a witness cremation,

and we are completely aware it's a difficult choice to make.

If you've not selected an urn yet,

I'd be happy to sit with you afterwards.

We can go over some options.

Well, that's quite all right, Mitchell.

We are in the process of finding a nice, little steel-drum urn

to put my mom in and take her home to Trinidad.

We are?

Yes. It's what she wanted.

Well, all right. Let's get started.

[Dallas] Wait. Is she...

Is she naked?

Excuse me?

She's dead. That's about as naked as you can get.

She's wearing the pajamas she had on

when the coroner picked her up.

If you'd like to keep them, I can remove the PJs

prior to her entering the crematorium.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Keep... Keep her dressed.

He's afraid he's going to see her vagina.

- Jesus. God. - What? You are.

I mean, I don't necessarily want to see it either,

but we all came out of it, right?

Oh. I-I actually think you were a C-section.

I was?

Your detachment, it's awe-inspiring.

She's staying dressed.

[ Sighs ]

Okay.

I'm going to give you a knock on the door

when it's time to open the blinds.

- Thank you, Mitch. - Thanks.

- Mitchell. - It's Mitchell.

Sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

[ Door closes ]

You brought booze?

Didn't everyone?

Absolutely not.

[ Kourtney chuckles ]

Give me some.

Okay, you know what? Give me some, too.

[ Chuckles ]

- To Mom. - To Mom. - To Mom.

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo.

The fuck are you doing?

I'm chanting for Mom.

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, nam-myoho-ren...

You find that particularly effective?

[Belinda] It's no different than praying on a rosary.

Okay.

Since you're oblivious...

your mother died with this very same rosary

under her pillow.

And another rosary wrapped in her hands.

And do you know where those rosaries came from?

From her church? Our Catholic church.

Wrong. Two churches, one in Italy and one in England.

I sent Mom a rosary from nearly every church

I went to on my travels.

Oh, I see. And so you know exactly...

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no. - Yeah.

- How would you know that? - I was there.

- No! Unh... No. - You were there?

- No, no, no! - Oh, she's a fucking spiritual mystic.

If we're going to have a pissing contest over Mom,

I'm going to kick you both out.

[ Sighs ]

[ Knock on door ]

Okay. I think we need to, uh, lift the blinds.

- Do we? - Yeah.

♪♪

Dallas?

Why don't we let the shepherd do the honors?

♪♪

Fine.

♪♪

Hey, Mom.

It's okay. It's just...

Oh, she...

She looks like she's asleep, Bellie.

[ Voice breaking ] Yeah, she...

She looks okay, right?

Yeah. Come here, sweetie.

♪♪

[ Machinery whirring ]

[ Sobbing ]

♪♪

[ Door opens ]

♪♪

[ Fire rumbling ]

♪♪

[ Gasps ]

♪♪

Hey.

♪♪

[ Sniffles, chuckles awkwardly ]

[ Chuckles ]

Um...

Do you know any place around here that serves tuna melts?

[Belinda] Oh, that is so embarrassing!

[Mitchell] And further proving my point that high school

is really a diabolical social experiment.

[Belinda] And the crush?

[Mitchell] Well, let's just say we didn't go to prom together.

[Belinda] Sad.

Oh, it's that one on the right.

[Mitchell] Uh, I'll get your bag.

Oh, wow. Cool graveyard.

[Belinda] I love the rain.

So, our tuna melts and deep conversation,

that was part of the cremation package?

Uh, n-not always. That'd be a lot of tuna melts.

Yeah.

So you grew up here?

Yeah. Since... Since I was four.

My dad died when I was seven,

and then eventually we all moved out.

But in an odd twist of fate, here we all are again.

Not for long, though.

It's a nice house.

I'm a little afraid to go in.

You don't have to rush.

♪♪

[ Door opens ]

♪♪

[Kourtney] "Picking up my dead mom"?

Can you believe she would say that?

- [ Laughs ] - So ridiculous.

- Hey, there. - Hey. Where are the kids?

There's some guy in a creepy white van outside

selling ice cream, so I gave them a 10-spot

and told them to go with God.

You are so inappropriate. They're with Peter's parents.

What's in the box?

Mom.

- Mom? - Yeah.

Mom's in the box?

Yeah, I picked her up from the morgue this afternoon.

I buckled her in the front seat, and I swear I could hear her

criticizing my driving, just like always.

[ Chuckles ]

- She fits in there? - [Belinda] Who fits in where?

Your mom. She's in that box.

She fits in there?

Better than you fit in that top.

This is how it's supposed to fit.

Yeah, if it's too small.

- I think it looks... - Oh, watch it.

I was just going to say ravishing.

- Oh, yeah. - [ Laughs ]

- Come here. - Hi, Peter.

It's so good to see you!

I want to hear all about Tibet.

- Yes. - Yeah, except for,

you gotta pick up the kids.

But duty calls.

And don't let them have any candy yet.

Aye, aye, captain. I shall return...

right after I find that jar with me balls in it.

- Good luck with that. - Love you!

[ Belinda chuckles ]

Sounded sincere.

Ah. Peter and I are perfectly happy.

Yeah. Sounds like bliss.

Maybe if you didn't prance around the house half naked

in front of your brother-in-law?

[Belinda] Ugh, Judgy McJudgerson.

Whatever, Wicked Witch of the Whatever.

Yeah.

Peter's known me since I was a kid, Dallas.

Well, I think you look cute.

♪♪

Hi, Mom.

♪♪

So, I figured that I would stay until February,

and then we could all jump on a plane,

take Mom to Trinidad just in time for Easter.

She doesn't want to go to Trinidad.

Of course she does, Dallas. It was her home.

This is her home.

Not really. Not since Dad died.

Yes, this is her home. And it will always be her home.

Can we just agree to disagree for the moment? It's Halloween.

Fine. But I'm not going trick-or-treating with my young daughter

while my sister is dressed like a whore.

What is this? Your laundry?

It's your costume. In honor of her Nani,

Jessica would like us all to go as ghosts.

Oh, that's a little dark for a 12-year-old, isn't it?

No, it's perfectly spiritual, and I am happy to oblige.

[ Knock on door ]

- Oh, I'll get it. - I'll get it.

Kourtney.

Mitch.

Uh, it's Mitchell. Hi.

Well... Well, is everything okay?

Did... Did I pick up the right box?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

- [Belinda] Oh, hey! - Hey.

[ Chuckles ] How was golf?

Oh, it was great. I made an eagle.

- What did you make it out of? - You look amazing.

Hey.

I'm going to go check on Jessica.

What is up his butt?

Mitchell, would you... would you like a beer?

Sure. Thanks.

Okay. Belinda, will you help me get him a beer?

- Sure. Okay. - Okay.

I'll be right back.

[Kourtney] Make yourself at home!

Surprise. Surprise is up his butt.

Well, he doesn't have to be such a dick about it.

Oh, come on!

In the span of a year, Dallas has lost his job,

his bitch of a wife cheated on him

and left him alone to be a single father,

his beloved mother died, and now his baby sister

is making out with the man that turned our mother to ash.

Huh! Maybe it's fitting, as it is Halloween and all.

[ Refrigerator door slams ]

Do you have something against Mitchell?

[Kourtney] No. I mean, it's just odd.

He's an odd guy.

I mean, what's with the "Mitchell" thing?

[Belinda] It's his name.

[Kourtney] Yeah, but he's so anal about it.

[Belinda] Why does it bother you so much?

Uh, 'cause sometimes I don't feel like using two syllables

- when I can use one. - [ Sniffs ]

[Belinda] Well, it doesn't make him odd.

A lot of people like to be called by their full name.

[Kourtney] Oh, whatever. He's odd for other reasons.

[ Whispering ] He... He deals with death all the time.

[ Whispering ] It's more than I can say for us.

- Oh, whatever. - I have to pee.

- Mitchell. - Thank you.

Are you... Are you really interested in this guy?

I mean, you just met him yesterday.

Yeah. We connected.

You connected how?

[ Urinating ] We grabbed a tuna melt after the cremation.

Oh, that's mildly disgusting.

- It is not. - [ Scoffs ]

Just... Can we just get off

the Mitchell thing for a little while?

Okay, fine, fine.

Don't flush. I got it.

So [clears throat] I was thinking,

we should book our flights.

Book our flights?

Yeah, to Trinidad to take Mom home.

[Kourtney] Dallas just said he wanted Mom to stay here.

Oh! Maybe he's just not grown up enough to have a passport.

[Kourtney] Well, that's totally unfair, Bellie.

[ Sighs ] Is it?

I mean, no, actually, it's kind of true.

- [ Chuckles ] - But...

Dallas always had it harder than we have.

- In what way? - [ Toilet flushes ]

Well, let's start out with being a boy growing up

without a dad.

Oh, so having a penis makes the childhood trauma

of losing your father worse than it would be if you had a vagina?

Uh, why do you always have to bring up your genitals?

Oh, God.

I did not bring up my genitals.

You said "penis" and "vagina."

And you did not wash your hands.

I need a drink.

Okay, stop it. You're... You're all about shock.

You like to fling out sex to make everyone uncomfortable.

I did not fling out sex.

Although I am curious what flinging out sex looks like.

All I said was it's harder for a boy to grow up

without a father than a girl, and then you have to

[whispering] bring up your vagina.

I mean, like, as if it isn't the most talked-about subject

in your life.

- Vagina. - Oh, really?!

- Hey. - Hey.

Did you take your mom out yet?

Take her out where? Dancing?

No, just out of the box.

-All right, let's trick-or-treat.

So, I was just asking the girls

if you took a look at your mom.

I can't believe you're dating this fucking guy.

Uh, Dallas, that is a bubble thought.

[Dallas] What's a bubble thought?

Bubble thoughts are thoughts

that are better kept to yourself.

My mom used to call them "bubble thoughts."

Like the characters in cartoons?

- I don't have a bubble. - [Belinda] Never did.

Yeah. Let's go, Jess!

I'm sorry. I'm... I'm not trying to make anyone upset.

Eh, Dallas was born upset.

What... What am I supposed to do with this?

She's coming with us.

Well, then you take her.

♪♪

Jess. Costume?

Oh, yeah. Thanks, Dad.

After I fall down the stairs. Can you hold that?

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[Peter] Wow. What do we got? Some ghost costumes?

- [Kourtney] Oh, yeah. - [ Peter laughs ]

- Here you go, guys. - [Jessica] Hi, Victor.

- [Dallas] How you doing? - [Peter] That's awesome.

Hey! Happy Halloween!

- [Declan] Hi, Mama. - He's creepy.

That's creepy? Oh, no.

- Declan, what's up? - [Declan] You're weird.

I am weird.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Oh! Peter, this is Mitchell.

- Hey. - He cremated my mom.

Wow. That's somehow, um, very appropriate for tonight.

Come on, let's go trick-or-treating!

- [Victor] That sounds sweet. - [Belinda] All right, let's go.

[Peter] We're bringing Mom in a box. That's awesome. Wow!

[Dallas] Kourtney, are you not wearing your costume?

- [Kourtney] Nope. - [Dallas] Oh, great.

Glad I made it for you.

Ha, ha! Aah!

- [Victor] Careful! - [Peter] Let's go in here.

Come on. Let's go. Let's go ring the bell.

Let's ring the bell.

[Victor] Let me do it.

[Peter] Okay. Right, ring, ring, ring!

♪♪

[Peter] Let's go over here.

Ready? What'd you get?

Auntie Bellie, let's go before they run out of all the peanut butter cups.

[Belinda] Okay, sweetie. Let's go.

- Here. - [Dallas] What's this?

[Belinda] Hey, guys, wait up! I'm coming!

Hang on!

- [Man] Now let's go over here. - So, are you a golfer?

[ Indistinct conversations in distance ]

I wouldn't call it that, no.

What's your handicap?

What's yours?

Oh, I asked you first.

You burned my mom.

[Man] Let's go to this one. Let's go to this one. Yes!

I'm a two.

Yeah? Now I hate you.

Over a 10?

[ Chuckles ]

I guess I'd be better if I practiced more.

I know the head pro at the club. I can get us a time.

Yeah, greens fees aren't really in my alimony budget.

No greens fees. It's a family connection.

Oh, I see. So, now that you're fucking my sister,

we're practically family, is that it?

[Belinda] What's going on?

Nothing. Mitch and I are just bonding.

Is my brother being a dick?

No.

Okay, well, we gotta go, guys.

Peter and Kourtney are, like, three houses up.

- Why didn't they wait? - It's okay, Dallas.

- We'll just catch up. - No, we won't, 'cause...

[ Sighs ]

'Cause Mom can't move that fast?

It's okay, Dallas. It happens.

I mean, I-I still try to call her at least twice a day.

Fuck this.

[Kourtney] What's happening?

[Mitchell] I think Dallas needs a minute.

[ Sighs ]

You had to bring the fucking box, didn't you?

"The fucking box" is our fucking mother.

And she likes to trick-or-treat.

Auntie Bellie, aren't you coming?

Hey, Jess. Yeah, I'll... I'll walk you down.

Hey, Jess, this is Mitchell. He cremated your Nani.

[ Thud ]

[ Can tab pops ]

[ Footsteps approach ]

She had to... fucking bring her?

[Kourtney] Belinda deals with death differently than we do.

I... To her, Mom isn't gone.

She's... changed forms.

[ Exhales sharply ] Fucking bullshit.

- [ Refrigerator door slams ] - [Dallas] Fucking bullshit.

♪♪

Happy Halloween, Ma.

♪♪

Oh.

♪♪

[ Sniffling ]

♪♪

[ Humming ]

♪ Owen Fixley's body lies still by the side of the tracks ♪

♪♪

[ Glass thuds ]

♪♪

[Dallas] Ohh, look who it is.

Dallas.

[ Chuckles ] Mitch-ell.

Did Hades give you a hall pass?

I'm actually meeting your sister here,

although she tends to run late most of the time.

Buy you a beer?

Oh, I'm not that kind of girl, Mitchell.

But I'll buy you one. Hey, Mike.

- [Man] Yo! - Two more whiskeys, please.

- [Man] Got it. - Thanks.

Hey, you know, uh, I was thinking about

what we were talking about the other day, about your golf game?

Maybe you just need a new set of clubs.

Maybe. Maybe you just need a new girlfriend.

Maybe you shouldn't poke your nose in other people's business.

Maybe. Oh, one's his.

Thank you. Mike.

- Enjoy. - Thanks.

Maybe I'm just being protective.

Protective of what?

Oh, you know, Mitchell.

All it really takes is a tuna melt

and a box of tissues to get a grieving girl to...

Don't question my integrity.

[ Laughs ]

Your integrity?

You burn people for a living.

Where's the integrity in that?

Well, cremation, it's not a violent act.

And, by the way, you chose to witness.

No, I didn't. No, my lunatic baby sister chose to witness.

- Lunatic? - And my holier-than-thou

older sister wouldn't let me back out

because loony sister would then be traumatized.

But you know who's traumatized, Mitch?

I am. And I blame you and your bad-hair,

weirdo, Grim Reaper, death-loving ass

for even letting a family witness a thing like that.

Wow. You really don't have a bubble, do you?

- No, I don't. - No, you really don't.

You said that.

All right, look. [ Clears throat ]

Despite the fact that she's going to take

another half an hour to get ready,

I like your sister, Dallas.

Mm.

Well...

Belinda's had a tough time

figuring out the whole relationship thing.

She's been through a lot of shit.

It sounds to me like you two might have something in common.

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah, maybe.

If I come sit over there,

can you keep yourself from getting all handsy?

[ Chuckles ]

I can't make any promises.

I'm definitely coming over there now.

[ Mitchell chuckles ]

♪♪

Cheers.

♪♪

Bye, Mikey.

[ Door closes ]

♪♪

Ah!

[ Laughs ]

Hi!

- Okay. Okay. Okay. - Ah!

I'll see you later.

- Don't drive. - Ah.

Walk.

♪♪

[Mitchell] Hey, I read your blog.

- Yeah? - Yeah. It's cool.

How'd you get into all that?

Well, let's see. I have no practical skills,

but I love yoga, so naturally I blog.

How'd you get in the business of death?

It's a long story.

♪♪

You know, this is really beautiful.

♪♪

Thanks. So are you.

- Really? - What?

Do you have a PhD in cheese?

Yes, I do, actually. I got my...

I wrote my thesis on how "Gouda" it gets

when you're trying to compliment your way into a kiss.

[ Chuckles ] Are you sure it wasn't, um,

how to be humble when trying to get laid?

Oh, is that what I'm trying to do?

Is it? I don't know.

- Mm. - Maybe? Mm-hmm.

♪♪

- [Kourtney] What? - [Belinda] Oh, shit.

- [Belinda] Grab it. - [Kourtney] Oh. Oh, my God.

[ Indistinct conversation ]

♪♪

Wait, wait, wait.

♪♪

[Belinda] Okay. All right.

- Waaah. - [Kourtney] Oh, my God.

What are you doing with your hair down?

It's fine. I've never gotten hair in food in my life.

You have so much hair, for God sake.

Oh, my Lord. Kourtney, Jesus.

[ Snoring ]

♪♪

[ Groans ]

[ Children laugh ]

Who has woken me from my slumber?

[ Laughs ]

- Come on! - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Guys! Guys! Slow down.

[Peter] Right after I have this cookie right here.

- Shh. - Of course, Mom.

Thank you. Much-needed cookie break.

[Kourtney] Looks like you know what you're doing, Mitchell.

Yeah. Taking skin off is one of my specialties.

[Belinda] How the hell did Mom do this?

Hello in there. I'm going to name him Ferdinand.

Okay, well, let's get him in the oven. Okay?

Some good cookies in there.

- Any more of those? - Mm-hmm.

[ Grunts ] I'd have brought them in,

but it's every man for himself in this outfit.

Clearly.

♪♪

You got it?

One over there, and then just go around the table.

Yeah.

Nice work. You rock.

- [Kourtney] Let's do it. - [Mitchell] Everybody, we're good to go.

[Kourtney] Dinner!

[ Indistinct conversations ]

- Aww. - [Dallas] Wow.

- Sit over here? - Looks good.

- Looks great. - Wow!

[Belinda] Yeah.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

- [ Chuckles ] - [Belinda] All right.

All right. Here we go.

This is awesome. This is awesome.

Peter, thanks. This is amazing.

Should we say grace?

- Uh... yeah. Let's say grace. - [ Laughs ]

- Okay. - Okay.

Follow me.

[Belinda] Okay, so should we open the Jaffurs or the [indistinct]?

[Mitchell] Let's open both.

[ Laughs ] You're going to fit in this family just fine, you know that?

That was nice.

Yeah, but we should hurry back before those savages

eat all the Rice-A-Roni.

- [ Bang ] - Oh, God!

[ Retches ]

- [Kourtney] Are you okay? - Oh. Fuck.

- [Kourtney] Whoa. Dallas. - What is going on?

God. You tried to kill me.

- Not consciously. - Did you swallow it?

- No, I spit it out. - [Belinda] Spit what out?

- You tell me. - I don't know.

How the hell did this happen?

I'll tell you how it happened.

Three mimosas later, Belinda became an expert

on Thanksgiving turkeys,

and you decided to let her take over.

Yeah. Kourtney asked me to stuff the turkey, so I did.

I asked you to sew up the turkey's butt.

- [Belinda] And I did. - Well, then,

how did the needle end up in the stuffing?

Oh, my God. Did you eat the needle, Dallas?

How'd you work that one out, Mitch?

Okay. I was sewing up the turkey's butt,

just like Mom used to, and then I went to look

for a pair of scissors to cut the needle off, and I...

I think I might have gotten distracted, and I-I don't know.

- God. - [ Sighs ]

Belinda, why didn't you just rip it off?

- [Dallas] Because she was trying to kill me. - No, I wasn't.

- [ Water running ] - I told you,

I went to look for the scissors.

Yeah, right. You and Mitch are probably

trying to drum up more business for the mortuary.

[Mitchell] All right, that's not funny.

- [Belinda] It's kind of funny. - What the fuck?

[Kourtney] Dallas, are you okay?

Fine. Yeah.

I'm going to go finish my meal.

That is, if no one left a switchblade in the sweet potatoes?

I didn't make the sweet potatoes.

Mitchell did.

Oh, great. We're all fucked.

[ Door swings closed ]

Hey, could you go bring out the, uh, wine for me, babe?

Sure it's safe?

Not at all.

[ Muffled conversation ]

Okay.

Let's just get a pie out and get ready for dessert. Okay?

You're moving on to pie after that?

Are you a robot?

[ Sighs ] Stop trying to pick a fight.

Okay. Why don't you tell me where Mom is?

You had her ashes here on Halloween.

I haven't seen them since.

Are you just hoarding them like you hoard

every other possession from my childhood?

I-I had a childhood, too, Belinda,

and... and I kept things because they meant something to me.

And... And you ran from them.

Now you want to come back and claim some ownership

of a mother that Dallas and I took care of

while you smoked drugs and rode weird animals in some cult?

Oh, for God's sake, Kourtney, elephants are not weird animals.

[ Sighs ] Okay, what are you... what are you trying to prove?

That your facade doesn't ever crack.

In the entire time that I have been here,

I've never even seen you cry.

- I cry. - Not in front of me.

Well, why would I?

Why... Why would I want to upstage Meryl fucking Streep

in her award-winning pain?

Okay. Oh, there you go. Get ugly.

[ Scoffs ] You know what?

I don't want to do this anymore. I have pie to serve.

Ugh. All right, go serve your pie, Jackie O.

Don't... Don't don't worry about your baby sister.

[ Scoffs ] You know what? No.

That is why you are a selfish twat.

Is that ugly enough for you?

It's nice use of the word "twat."

[Kourtney] You want to know why I don't crack?

It's because ever since I was 14 and Dad died,

I had to step up

and make sure this family didn't fall through the cracks,

that Mom didn't jump over a ledge.

And part of this perfect facade

is a husband that is everybody's best friend but mine,

and a... and a special-needs kid that I will take care of

for the rest of my life.

Now that Mom is gone,

I am the fucking mother to everyone,

including you and Dallas,

who can't seem to grow the fuck up!

Hey, guys. Are you...

Are you coming in? It's... It's Thanksgiving.

We're going to be right there, Mitchell.

[ Dish clatters ]

If you want to know where Mom is,

she's in the coffee can.

- [Kourtney] Thanks, honey! - [Peter] Yes! Thank you!

- [ Sighs ] - [Peter] I want all the whipped cream.

[ Muffled conversation ]

- Oh, boy. - Give me a lot of it.

- You went a lot? - Yes.

Okay, I'll be right back.

[ High-pitched ] I'll be right back!

[ Victor laughs ]

[ Sighing ] Okay. Who wants pie?

- Me. - Me!

I didn't mean to leave the needle in there.

- [Dallas] Yeah, right. - What, you think I did?

I think you're capable of just about anything, Belinda.

Well, if I did, maybe you deserved it.

[ Scoffs ] Right.

Yeah. Consider it karmic payback.

Payback for what?

Well, let's start with all the times that you used

to make me play tackle football when we were kids.

You were nine and I was five, and you were fat.

- I was not fat. - I was kind of a fat kid.

Were you, Mitch?

Yeah. You would tackle me so hard that I would cry,

and then you would tell me to suck it up

and loogie in my face.

[ Sighs ] People, we're trying to have a meal here. Okay?

Yeah, it's... it's Turkey Day.

Yeah, this is between my brother and me.

- Don't shut him up. - What?

Don't shut him up. He puts up with you.

[Belinda] Oh, so you like him now?

- What's not to like? - What's not to like?

Oh!

That's hilarious. Have you guys been bonding?

There it is. The Bellie jealousy.

Can't stand to see your brother get a little attention.

[Belinda] Oh, a little attention.

Let's try all of Mom's attention all the time.

And now you want the German's?

When did I become "the German"?

So you have a problem with Mom now?

[Belinda] I had a problem with her, but we worked it out.

Oh, really? I don't seem to remember

her telling me you worked it out.

- I remember her crying a lot... - Dad.

- Because you never came home. - It's okay, Jess.

Maybe I didn't feel at home here.

- [ Scoffs ] - [Belinda] Yeah.

I didn't, Dallas.

She treated you like a king.

You acted like you owned her,

and then you practically peed on her leg

every time I showed up.

And you came home every two years to make sure

she didn't write you out of the will.

- Go straight to hell, Dallas. - No, you go to hell.

And take that stupid idea

of taking her back to Trinidad with you.

She's staying here in the coffee can,

in her home with her son, where she belongs.

- You knew she was in the can? - Wait, Auntie Bellie,

you didn't know she was in the can?

- Jess, please. - I told you that was creepy.

- Okay, okay. - Okay, wait. So you all knew?

Belinda, calm down.

No, I won't calm down. You told him a month ago?

- Oh, man, shit is about to go down. - Excuse me?

[Belinda] That is just fucking rich!

[Kourtney] Language, Bellie!

- Come on! - Okay, I'm done. All right?

Kids, let's go into the other room, please.

- Wh-What? The kids... - Sweetheart.

You think that they don't know the word "fuck"?

- We know the word, Mom. - Come on. Bellie, really?

- Really? Really? Come on. - God.

- Please. - Come on, Stinker.

- Come on, little man. - Follow Dad.

Let's go over here. Let's go over here.

You know what? I know that you guys don't believe me,

but I know what she wanted.

Okay, Belinda, maybe we should go for a walk.

That's it. I want you out of this house.

Okay, guys, let's just take a group breath.

No, no group breath.

Get out of my house and take the German with you.

All right, we will skip the breath.

- This is my house, too. - No, it isn't.

It stopped being your house when you abandoned all of us.

Stopped being your house after you threw your faith away.

Stopped being your house when Peter and Kourtney and I

took care of her while she was sick and terrified

and crying herself to sleep at night 'cause she couldn't

figure out why her youngest daughter never came home.

Okay, Dallas!

[Victor] I don't want to!

She's had enough.

[ Victor speaking indistinctly ]

[Peter] Victor. Victor, it's okay.

- [Peter] Hey, hey, hey. - [Victor] No! No!

[Victor] I need a mommy. I need a mommy.

Aunt Kourtney...

Uncle Peter can't get Victor to calm down.

Just give him a video cam, Jess.

What? What is wrong with you?

Are you going to leave while this fucking dickwad

tries to kick me out of the house?

My kids come first.

I'm sorry, Bellie. You need to go.

Oh, my God! Goddamn it!

Wait. Wait.

- [ Door slams ] - Belinda! Belinda, wait!

Pass the sweet potatoes.

[ Swallows, exhales ]

[Mitchell] Belinda, wait!

They're trying to hide her from me.

Bellie, did you listen to him? Did you understand

how it looked to them when you weren't here?

I left because I had to.

When I was little, my brother and I were best friends.

And then one day, suddenly, our whole lives

just became about death.

We would go sit on my father's grave every fucking weekend,

and all that did was terrify me.

I was so petrified all the time that Dallas or my mother...

that one of them would be next.

What about Kourtney?

I didn't really think about Kourtney.

I mean, it's not like I didn't care, but she's perfect,

so I just assumed she'd live forever.

Belinda.

I understand wanting to run from the pain.

But...

But what?

Maybe you were being selfish when you left.

Belinda, don't. Wait!

Don't run. I have asthma!

Okay, wait. That's a lie. I don't have asthma.

But I was a fat kid. I'm allergic to running.

- Go home, Mitchell. - Bellie, don't do this.

Did you really think that this was going to work out?

I mean, I am a fun free spirit,

and you are a totally bizarre person with obnoxious hair

that doesn't, incidentally, hide your bald spot.

I'm not trying to hide a bald spot.

Well, you're trying to hide something.

Nobody deals with death all the time 'cause they're normal.

Oh, and you're just surrounded by normalcy?

I'm the most normal person in your life.

Oh, yeah. You're just Joe Blow Normal Guy.

- Uh-huh, I am. - Yeah.

You're the fucking garbage man.

Hey, dead people are not garbage.

Then why do you burn them like they are?!

Because people pay me to!

Sorry. That came out wrong.

The check cleared, didn't it, Mitchell?

Goddamn it, you're fucking impossible.

You can go be normal somewhere else.

♪♪

[ Door opens ]

[ Exhales softly ]

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Jazzy music plays ]

♪♪

♪ Christmastime is the loveliest time ♪

♪ It's the loveliest time of the year ♪

[Man] [ Over television ] riding elephants.

♪ Carolers' bells will soon begin to chime ♪

♪ And we'll gather with joy and good cheer ♪

♪ We can hardly wait till it's time ♪

♪ For Christmastime is the loveliest time of the year ♪

♪♪

Yes! Here, put these up.

♪ Time for children and time for their toys ♪

♪ With their planes and their train sets abuzz ♪

♪ Time for parents to deal with the noise ♪

♪ When their tots sing "Here Comes Santa Claus" ♪

♪ They can hardly wait till it's time ♪

♪ For Christmastime is the loveliest time of the year ♪

♪♪

♪ Peggy wants a puppy doll ♪

♪ One that barks when you give it a push on its snout ♪

♪ But what's that loud box in the hall? ♪

♪ When she opens it up, a real puppy jumps out ♪

♪ Christmastime is the merriest time ♪

♪ It's the veriest merriest time of the year ♪

♪ My stocking's hung... ♪

[Belinda] Hey. It's Bellie.

I, uh... [ Sighs ]

Normally, I would call Mom right now,

but, oddly enough, she's not available.

Um... I could use a friend, and I'm fresh out.

So call me, maybe, if you can?

Okay.

I mean, I don't know why I'm saying, "Okay."

You're not on the other end. I think I'm losing my mind.

Just call me. Okay? Bye.

[ Exhales sharply ]

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversation ]

[Man] Hey, Mike. You seen Bellie?

- Around the corner. - Thanks, man.

♪♪

- Psst! - [ Gasps ]

You scared me.

I'm a scary guy.

Yeah, you're terrifying.

[ Chuckles ]

How's that motel?

Uh, it's, uh... It's okay, you know?

I think my neighbors are cooking meth,

but, on the upside, there's no roaches.

That's a good thing.

I read that blog.

A little tough on the sibs, right?

Okay, Peter, don't come down on me. All right?

It's going to take some time, Bellie.

Hey, I was close to your mother, too.

I know. She called you her touchstone.

- Really? - Yeah.

She said you were close enough to get it,

but removed enough to be fair.

- God, I miss her. - Mm.

I was busy climbing some dumb mountain.

You were exactly where you were supposed to be.

Don't question that.

Did she miss me?

So much.

She told me three things before she passed.

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil?

I think it's see no evil, hear no evil.

Right? See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.

- That's right. - Anyway...

[ Clears throat ] She said, one,

that Dallas wouldn't be able to handle it after she passed.

Two, she said Kourtney would be a total control freak.

[ Chuckles ]

And curtain number three?

♪♪

She said, "Bellie will always figure it out."

♪♪

You ever find that jar with your balls in it?

I'm still working on that.

[ Both laugh ]

Let me get a beer.

Please do.

♪♪

- Hey, Mike, can I get a beer? - Yeah. You bet.

- [ Sipping, chewing ] - [ Dog barking in distance ]

Did you just eat a booger?

No.

Yeah, you did. I just watched you.

No, you didn't.

You're 12.

Aren't you a little past the booger phase?

I did not eat a booger.

And even if I did, it just came out of my body.

What's the big deal?

Well, it came out of your body because it's waste

and the body is trying to get rid of it.

Uh, okay.

I get it. That's an "F you, Dad."

So what? You say "F you" to everybody.

- No, I don't. - Yeah, you do.

You did to Auntie Bellie. You got rid of her.

Least I didn't eat her.

How do I know you didn't eat her?

Well, do I look like I just suddenly gained 300 pounds?

Um, yeah. You're kind of fat.

You're such an asshole.

And you probably ate Mom, too.

I'm not hungry.

Why? Did you eat too many boogers?

You're so mean. I hate you.

[ Footsteps thudding on stairs ]

[ Sighs ]

Shit.

[ Knocks ]

[Dallas] Jess.

Can we talk?

What, are you packing?

Jess, there's no place to go.

Mom left.

I didn't send her away. She just left us.

I'm trying to make it better. Okay, I don't know how.

Maybe you could stop being so grumpy all the time.

Am I grumpy all the time?

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah, I guess I am, huh?

[ Sighs ]

I miss Mom. And I miss Nani, too.

Me too.

I also miss Auntie Bellie.

[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

I'll get you a better dinner tomorrow.

Good idea.

[ Laughs ]

[ Line ringing]

[Belinda] [ Recorded ] Hi. You've reached Bellie.

I'm either in downward dog or sideways with a bottle of red.

- Leave me a message. - [ Beep]

[Mitchell] Hey, Bellie, it's the German.

Uh, listen, I wanted to clarify something that came up

in our last conversation about what I do for a living.

I don't do it for the money.

Uh, I mean, cremation is a... it's a sacred act,

and I'm just a normal guy who gives a shit

about people who are grieving.

♪♪

[ Clears throat ]

I lost my dad when I was 10,

and my mom killed herself when I was 18.

So...

I know what it's like to lose your childhood.

I've been surrounded by death my whole life.

It's always felt, I don't know, just normal to me.

So I-I do this job...

Let's face it, nobody alive has ever aspired to...

because I'm a shepherd.

It's... It's what I'm here to do.

Anyway. That's it. Hope you're well.

[ Line disconnects]

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

[ Birds chirping ]

[ Box rattling ]

[ Woman singing "Silent Night" in German]

♪♪

[ Whispering ] Oh, my God.

♪♪

- Hey. - Hey.

Your timing is impeccable.

♪♪

[Dallas] Holy shit. Is this Trinidad?

♪♪

[ Airplane engine roars ]

[Belinda] Wow.

I know.

Pretty good detective work, sis.

How'd you find me?

Well, I read your blog, dummy.

I didn't know that you read, dummy.

[ Both laugh sarcastically ]

You want some spaghetti?

Mm. Looks delicious, but, uh, no, thank you.

- Yeah. It's two days old. - Yeah.

Hey, do you have a little time right now?

- Sure. - Grab your shoes.

Where are we going?

You'll find out.

♪♪

You're not going to kill me and dump my body

in the river, are you?

Haven't decided yet.

♪♪

- [Man #1] No problem. - [Man #2] Like it was a weapon.

[ Men speaking indistinctly ]

♪♪

[Belinda] Hey, there.

- [Man #1] Hey! Hi! - [Kourtney] Hi!

[Kourtney] How'd you, uh, shoot?

Oh, this guy right here, he... he did pretty good.

- All right. Awesome. I like it. - [ Laughs ]

- What's so funny? - Ah. "Pretty good."

[Mitchell] I was a little off my game.

[Dallas] Oh, really? That's why you beat us so bad?

- [Peter] Yeah. - [Kourtney] Okay, well, are you

- ready to get out of here? - I am, I am, indeed.

Thank you for a great afternoon.

Thanks, Peter.

- [Mitchell] Thanks, Peter. - Have fun.

Kourtney, you can't leave me here.

- Oh, yes, I can. - Peter?

You're going to be fine.

♪♪

[ Door opens, closes ]

Hey.

We, uh, hit some balls in holes today?

Once in a while.

Sounds good.

- Hi. - Hi.

♪ Don't you tell a single soul what I'm going to say ♪

I'm going to get us a round.

- Great. - I'm good.

♪ Christmas Eve is coming soon ♪

[Mitchell] Hey, Mikey, can I get another round?

[Mike] Yeah. You bet.

Okay. Um...

I'm sorry.

[ Mitchell and Mike speaking indistinctly ]

I'm sorry that I was hyper-reactive.

Sorry if I was grumpy.

- You're always grumpy. - [ Both chuckle ]

I'm just teasing.

- No, I am. - Yeah, you are.

And as it turns out, there was this, uh... You were right.

♪ Susie wants a dolly ♪

♪ Nelly wants a story book ♪

♪ She thinks dolls a folly ♪

♪ Christmas Eve is coming soon ♪

Wow.

♪ Now, you dear, old man ♪

Jessica wants you home for Christmas.

Okay.

But there will be a security guard posted in the foyer

just to make sure that you're not packing heat.

Do we have an actual foyer?

Not by the definition of it.

- No. Yeah. - No. Yeah.

Anyway...

- Dallas. - Yeah?

Do you think we'll ever grow out of it?

No.

It's what makes us a family.

I'm going to go.

[Mitchell] What, are you out?

[Dallas] Yeah.

Thank you for a great game.

You played well. [ Chuckles ]

No, I didn't, but thanks for saying so.

We'll do it again.

- Yes. Sometime soon. - All right.

So...

- So... - So...

Ready for Christmas?

Oh. Insert some small talk here?

Mm. Sure, yeah. Go ahead. Insert small talk.

I got your message.

Oh, you did?

Yeah. Mitchell, look, I'm...

I mean, I'm sorry that I pushed you away like that.

I...

But I'm back now and...

Belinda, you can't...

You can't just do that.

Do what?

Just shit on someone and then smile

and expect everything to be okay.

It's what I do.

I fuck things up, and I never mean to.

Maybe if you just stayed in one place

for more than a minute.

Tell me about your necklace.

What do you want to know?

Are your parents in there?

♪ Down through the chimney with good St. Nick ♪

I'm such an idiot.

No, you're not.

- Yeah, a little. - Just a little.

And, look, my family invited me home for Christmas,

and if you aren't doing anything...

I spent a holiday with your family.

I don't think I can do that again.

[ Chuckles ] That's totally fair.

But, you know, if you change your mind...

Think I need a minute. Or a month. Or less.

I don't... I don't know.

Okay. Cool.

♪♪

It was good to see you.

It's good to see you.

Okay. Uh, Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

♪♪

- [ Door opens ] - [ Exhales deeply ]

[ Door closes ]

♪♪

[ Gasps ]

♪ O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum ♪

[ Car lock chirps ]

[ Cellphone ringing ]

Hey. What's up?

[Belinda] Has it been a minute yet?

45 seconds. Why?

I don't have a car.

I'll call you a cab.

[Mitchell] Eh, I'm just fucking with you.

- Okay. - All right.

[ Tchaikovsky's "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" plays ]

♪♪

[Kourtney] It looks like someone could use some nog.

It's 3:00 a.m. Isn't that a little early?

[Kourtney] Mom used to drink nog all night long on Christmas Eve.

And now she's in a coffee can.

Okay.

♪♪

Shit, sorry. That was a bad bubble thought.

It's all good.

Are the doors closed?

Yes, and Mitchell and Peter

are sitting watching the hallway.

Are they drinking?

Not yet, but Bellie's bringing them some nog right now.

As soon as they start in,

they're going to be yapping like frat boys.

Kids are going to pop out of bed like little maniacs

and rip through this place.

Oh, would you relax? They're big boys.

They can handle a little nog and a few kids.

That's questionable.

[ Quietly ] Mine's a number. Okay, here we go.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.

Yes, yes, yes.

Mmm. Needs nutmeg. Taste.

Yeah, I'm not the alcoholic I used to be.

I think I can wait till breakfast.

Merry Christmas, siblings!

- Look who got up. - Got up?

I never went to bed.

If you're going to be down here, you need to help.

Well, we do have a bunch of presents to wrap.

I'll wrap. I love wrapping.

- [Kourtney] Okay, great. - [Belinda] All right.

[Kourtney] Mm, you know what, though? First, a toast to Mom.

[Belinda] Okay.

♪♪

[Peter] Orange, blue, or pink?

[Mitchell] Pink.

It's a question.

What is it?

Do you like the smell of your own farts?

Yes.

- There you go. - You gotta be honest.

I think it's the only way this works.

It's the whole key to this thing.

Bellie, will you grab the nutmeg?

[Belinda] Got it.

Dallas, I know it's late, but do you think

you can muster up a little holiday spirit?

Oh, don't muster, actually. That's unsettling.

All right, let's do this toast.

- You guys need some nutmeg. - [Kourtney] Yes.

Here's yours.

Thank you.

- All right. - All right.

To our mother.

She was a little fireball full of piss and vinegar.

- [Kourtney] And despite... - Being deeply flawed.

I was going to say, "Despite being a single mother."

She was an amazing mom.

- To Mom. - To Mom.

♪♪

♪ O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree ♪

Mm. Mmm?

Hmm. It's spicy.

♪ How faithfully you blossom ♪

Yeah, it's kind of smoky.

[Dallas] What kind of alcohol did you use?

Rum, dummy.

You're supposed to use bourbon.

[Belinda] Mom told me to use rum.

It's interesting. I like it.

It's just, did you change the recipe?

No. It's all Mom's.

Yeah, but it tastes different.

Did you use allspice or nutmeg?

[Belinda] Neither. It's Mom.

What do you mean?

I put Mom's ashes in the eggnog.

[ Retches ] Oh!

[Kourtney] I'm going to be sick!

- [Belinda] What? - Are you fucking kidding me?

- No! - God, were we out of allspice?

- [Belinda] No! - What the hell is wrong with you?

Nothing.

Oh, come on, you guys.

We've just been fighting so much.

I just thought this was a unique way

- to bring us all together. - Unique?

Well, we had to do something, Dallas.

She is just sitting there in that coffee can on the kitchen counter.

This morning, I almost brewed her.

It's a decorative coffee can. It's from the '70s.

I know, but...

I-I thought it would be healing to have a part of Mom in us.

Holy shit! Mom is in us!

Yeah. Pretty soon, she's going to be coming out of us.

- [Kourtney] What... - [Dallas] Is this something

your psycho guru put you up to?

Absolutely not. However, certain tribal people do believe...

It is our first Christmas without our mother,

and we drank her.

Jesus, why are you freaking out?

What if I get diarrhea?

What... What if I am Mom intolerant?

I've always been Mom intolerant.

- That's not funny, Belinda. - [Belinda] It's just the truth.

I mean, I think she thought something malfunctioned

when she had me because she was so close to menopause.

Yeah, something did malfunction.

You are a sociopath.

[Kourtney] She's not a sociopath.

Oh, yeah, no, she's a perfectly well-adjusted human being

with cannibalistic tendencies.

Oh, come on! It is not like I barbecued her

and you're chowing down on a rack of Mom ribs.

It's just a... a little ash and bone and flesh.

Why did you put my mom in the eggnog, you stupid bitch?!

Do not, do not, do not white- trash up this Christmas, Dallas.

- [Belinda] I'm warning you. - Me white-trash it up?

Me white-trash it up? I'm not the one that decided

to use our dead mother as a condiment.

She is a spice, you idiot, not a condiment.

- It's the same fucking difference! - Oh, Dallas, shut up!

Sit down!

[Peter] Guys.

Guys, we can hear you up here. Okay?

Be quiet. You said blue?

[Kourtney] Oh, God. What... What part of Mom did I drink?

Maybe it's a-a-a knuckle

or an elbow or... or something innocuous.

- Huh. - [Belinda] What if it wasn't?

What if it was another part of her?

Do not go there, Belinda. Please, I'm begging you.

[Kourtney] Know what, guys? Everything's fine.

I think it's going to be just fine.

Or we could all die. I mean, we could possibly die.

- We're not going to die. - Hey, guys.

Is everything all right?

Yeah. We are just bonding with my mom.

- Aww, sweetie, that's nice. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, that's nice?

So, how's that eggnog going down, Mitch?

It's good. It's really good.

Uh, Peter and I are going to need a little bit more

to pass time on the watch.

Oh, okay. Good. Now that you're digesting my mom,

everything's good, huh?

- [ Belinda sighs ] - What are you talking about?

[Belinda] I put my mom's ashes in the eggnog,

and he's freaking out.

♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah ♪

Pardon me?

Well, I didn't put her in your nog. You're not her kid.

Oh.

Well, that's a bit of a relief.

Oh, my gosh. You are way too sweet for this insanity, aren't you, Mitch?

Why is this insane?

I can field that one, if you like.

Wait. No, no, no. I want my sister to tell me

why any of this is insane.

Well, I'm pretty certain that most sane people

don't drink their mother's ashes on Christmas Eve.

- Right, Mitch? - It's Mitchell!

- [ Scoffs ] - Guys, guys, guys.

Can you just keep it down a little bit, please?

We can hear everything up on the landing. Okay?

And we're going to have an invasion

of little people down here if you don't give me some eggnog.

You can have some of my nog, Peter.

- [Peter] Thank you. - Oh, do not drink that.

- Why is that? - [Kourtney] Just trust me.

- You don't want to drink it. - [Peter] Pretty sure I do.

He's pretty sure he does, Kourtney.

Why don't you just let him?

'Cause she never lets me do shit.

Excuse me?

Oh, come on. Don't act all shocked and hurt.

Peter and I play golf together,

and some pretty interesting truths

come out on the back nine.

Meaning what?

Meaning, I know what a fucking rag you can be.

[ Clears throat ] Thank you, Dallas.

And here's to a very pissed-off wife for the rest of Christmas.

Cheers. Mmm!

Peter, you just drank my mother.

I know that.

[Kourtney] What do you mean, you know?

Because I could fucking hear everything, all right?

I mean, you're the loudest family in the world.

Why would you willingly drink my mother's ashes?

Because she's delicious. Mmm.

Hey, guys, the volume's going up, not down.

Wait a minute, Kourtney. I didn't call you a rag.

Yeah, not tonight, but it's there.

It's... It's what you all think.

It just takes a little booze to bring it out.

And that booze has been contaminated with your mother's ashes.

And perhaps we all drank the part with her loud fucking mouth.

Don't talk about my mother that way.

Oh, Kourtney, please.

She did have a big fucking mouth.

Stop trying to paint a rainbow over everything.

Okay, why is everyone attacking me?

Oh, here it comes. Okay. Poor you. Right?

Why don't you stand up on your own feet

when people start pointing out your bullshit?

What, because I can't insult people like they can?

Yes! Why not?!

Why would I want to?

Oh, my God! Why wouldn't you want to?!

I'm sorry.

I... I'm so sorry.

That just... It just slipped out.

Just get a little mom in the nog there?

[ Footsteps upstairs ]

- Oh, shit. - Oh, gosh. The kids!

Uh, report to the post, Mitchell.

Mitchell, grab the Taser.

Aah! Oh! Damn it!

If I had a Taser, I would have used it tonight.

What are you trying to say, Dallas?

That you would Tase me for putting Mom in the nog?

Would you stop being so pathologically

at peace with all this?

Don't you have any respect for her?

Of course I do. Why do you think I wanted to drink her?

I...

I can't believe we're related.

I can't believe you came out of my mother.

Knock it off. Knock it off, you guys.

This is Christmas. It's fucking Christmas!

[ Thud ]

♪♪

Oh.

♪♪

I j... I just wanted Christmas to be perfect.

Life is messy, Kourtney.

Yeah, but Mom always made Christmas incredible.

We... We always had amazing Christmases.

♪♪

You know, I think Mom's going down just fine.

I feel okay.

Dallas?

♪♪

I miss her.

I miss Mom.

♪♪

Let's have some more eggnog.

♪♪

Okay.

Why not?

♪♪

[ Laughs ]

God, that tastes like shit.

♪♪

[ Birds chirping ]

[ Exhales softly ]

Babe! I got the bag. I got your mom.

I locked the back door. We are ready to go.

Hey, Peter, check it out.

Oh, my God. Where did you get that?

I have no idea how we pulled this off.

- But thanks for your help. - What do you?

I did nothing. You know, I just kept a secret.

- The car is here. - Honey. Honey.

- Check it out. - What? Oh, my God!

- Where did you find this? - Ah! It's an urn! Right?

- Mitch found it. - Oh.

Thank you. Oh, I love it.

Don't cry. Okay? You're going to ruin your reputation.

[Belinda] Okay, we're good to go, guys.

But I think I need a shot or something.

- I hate flying. - Got you covered.

Ooh, you really are the shepherd, aren't you?

And a steel-drum urn.

- Oh, my God. - It's an urn!

- Is that awesome or what? - Love it.

- Where did that come from? - This guy right here.

- Aww. - Ohh.

Well, I say we let the Reaper do the honors.

No. You're not getting off that easy.

All right, how do we...?

All right, so, the parts you guys didn't drink,

they go right under here.

Oh. Okay.

Hold her.

- Ready, Mom? Here we go. - [ Exhales sharply ]

♪♪

There it is.

♪♪

- [ Car horn honks ] - Oh!

- We got a honker, kids. - Oh, my gosh.

- [ Kourtney speaking indistinctly ] - Let's go. Let's go.

- This is awesome! - Crap.

I-I forgot mine in my room. I'll meet you guys outside.

Here I go.

♪♪

[Peter] Whaddya, got a body in this thing?

Okay, but your flip-flops.

[Dallas] I'll be right back, Mitch. I forgot the...

- We almost forgot her. - Oh, isn't that just the Pereira way?

Dallas, wait.

♪♪

Take it.

Why?

Because that's what she would have wanted.

♪♪

Hey. What's this?

I decided to stay in one place for a little while.

- [ Car horn honks ] - Get your ass out of here.

Let's go.

[Dallas] All right, don't fucking leave us. We're coming.

[ "Bamboo Bungalow" by The Commandeers plays ]

♪♪

♪ There is a bamboo bungalow ♪

♪ Deep in the jungle, dontcha know ♪

- [ Car horn honks ] - ♪ Where all the people can let go ♪

♪ To the sweet sound of calypso ♪

♪ Come follow me, and you will see ♪

♪ A tin cabin in the wood ♪

♪ A getaway where lovers play ♪

♪ Like only lovers could ♪

♪ There is a bamboo bungalow ♪

♪ Deep in the jungle, dontcha know ♪

♪ Where all the people can let go ♪

♪ To the sweet sound of calypso ♪

♪ Now, leave your woe and the world you know ♪

♪ Behind you at the door ♪

♪ Step inside to take a ride ♪

♪ Like you never rode before ♪

♪ There is a bamboo bungalow ♪

♪ Deep in the jungle, dontcha know ♪

♪ Where all the people can let go ♪

♪ To the sweet sound of calypso ♪

♪ Calypso! ♪

♪♪

♪ You can find us here, just disappear ♪

♪ And take the path unknown ♪

♪ Join the fun with everyone ♪

♪ You'll never be alone ♪

♪ There is a bamboo bungalow ♪

♪ Deep in the jungle, dontcha know ♪

♪ Where all the people can let go ♪

♪ To the sweet sound of calypso ♪

♪ There is a bamboo bungalow ♪

♪ Deep in the jungle, dontcha know ♪

♪ Where all the people can let go ♪

♪ To the sweet sound of calypso ♪

♪ Calypso! ♪

♪♪

♪ Bamboo! ♪

♪♪

♪ Bungalow! ♪

♪♪

♪ Very good, now! ♪

♪♪

♪ Calypso! ♪

♪♪